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+[{"x": "yeah, what are you doing tonight?", "y": "hey, so you know how i've always had a thing for half-asian girls? well, now i've got a new favorite lebanese girls! lebanese girls are the new half-asians."}, {"x": "hey, you wanna do something tonight?", "y": "okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and suit up!"}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "where's your suit!? just once when i say suit up, i wish you'd put on a suit."}, {"x": "i did that one time.", "y": "it was a blazer!"}, {"x": "you know, ever since college it's been marshall and lily and me. now it's going to be marshall and lily... and me. they'll get married, start a family-before long i'm the weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call \"uncle ted\".", "y": "i see what this is about. have you forgotten what i said to you the night we met?"}, {"x": "oh, right. hi.", "y": "lesson one, lose the goatee. it doesn't look good with your suit."}, {"x": "i'm not wearing a suit.", "y": "lesson two, get a suit. suits are cool. exhibit a. lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty."}, {"x": "thirty, right. you're right. i guess it's just, you're best friend gets engaged-you start thinking about that stuff.", "y": "i thought i was your best friend. ted, say i'm your best friend."}, {"x": "you're my best friend, barney.", "y": "good! and as your best friend, i suggest we play a little game called... \"have you met ted?\""}, {"x": "wai-no, no, no. we're not playing \"have you met ted?\"", "y": "hi, have you met ted?."}, {"x": "why am i freaking out all of a sudden? this is crazy! i'm not ready to settle down.", "y": "how does carl land a lebanese girl?"}, {"x": "it's always been \"don't even think about it till you're thirty\"", "y": "exactly-the guy doesn't even own a suit!"}, {"x": "hey barney, see that girl?", "y": "hey, have you met ted?"}, {"x": "yeah, what the hell jerk! that was fun.", "y": "de-wait for it-nied! denied!"}, {"x": "we're going out tomorrow night.", "y": "i thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night?"}, {"x": "ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me...call him.", "y": "hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? because playing laser tag is awesome! oh, i k*lled you connor; don't make me get your mom!"}, {"x": "hey, listen. i need your opinion on something.", "y": "okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes-and suit up!"}, {"x": "so these guys think i chickened out. what do you think?", "y": "i can't believe you're still not wearing a suit!"}, {"x": "she didn't even give me the signal.", "y": "what is she goanna-is she goanna bat her eyes at you in morse code?? ted kiss me-no, you just kiss her!"}, {"x": "not if you don't get the signal.", "y": "ee did marshall give me the signal?"}, {"x": "no! i didn't, i swear.", "y": "but see-at least, tonight, i get to sleep knowing, marshall and me... never going to happen. you should've kissed her."}, {"x": "urgh, i should've kissed her. what about when she gets back from orlando?", "y": "a week? that's like-a year in hot girl time. she'll forget all about you. mark my words you will never see that one again."}, {"x": "i never do anything crazy! i'm always waiting for the moment! planning the moment! well she's leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment i'm goanna get! i gotta do what that guy couldn't, i gotta take the leap! okay not a perfect metaphor, for me it's fall in love and get married-for him it's... death.", "y": "actually, that is a perfect metaphor. by the way, did i congratulate you two?"}, {"x": "...barney?", "y": "alright, but under one condition."}, {"x": "okay. moment of truth. wish me luck.", "y": "ted's goanna get it on with a tv reporter this just in. okay"}, {"x": "marshall, remember this night. when you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're goanna tell this story.", "y": "why does he get to be the best man? i'm your best friend!"}, {"x": "go back in there!", "y": "you're wearing a suit!"}, {"x": "he's in.", "y": "so, ranjit... you must've done it with a lebanese girl."}, {"x": "actually, i'm from bangladesh.", "y": "the women hot there?"}, {"x": "here's a picture of my wife!", "y": "simple no would have sufficed. she's lovely."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "so, marshall. this \"olive theory\" based on you and lily?"}, {"x": "yeah...", "y": "you hate olives? lily loves them, you can't stand them."}, {"x": "yeah, hate olives.", "y": "two weeks ago, spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives-you had some. what up?"}, {"x": "you have to swear that this does not leave this cab.", "y": "i swear."}, {"x": "on our first date, i ordered a greek salad; lily asked if she could have my olives. i said, \"sure... i hate olives.\"", "y": "but you like olives!"}, {"x": "well, i was eighteen, okay? i was a virgin. been waiting for my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.", "y": "marshall, i'm going to get you an early wedding present. don't get married."}, {"x": "i think i'm in love with you.", "y": "come on man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right? you know what that is! hunger. you're hungry for experience. hungry for something new. hungry for olives. but you're too scared to do anything about it."}, {"x": "olives. thanks. i love you. what's wrong with me?", "y": "why are we still sitting here? let's go! we can still make last call. what do you say lil? yo, ho ho and a bottle o' rum? 'cuz you're a pirate..."}, {"x": "it's been like twenty minutes. you think they're doin' it?", "y": "you think they're doing it in front of the dogs?"}, {"x": "doggie style.", "y": "i had this girl in college; she had a golden retriever-"}, {"x": "okay, we can go to the bar, just stop talking.", "y": "hit it ranjit."}, {"x": "that long lingering handshake-you should've kissed her!", "y": "there's no such thing as the signal. but yeah-that was the signal."}, {"x": "guys, trust me. i've seen the signal. that was not the signal.", "y": "yeah ted, we're not on you anymore."}, {"x": "no, no, no-we're not playing \"have you met ted!\"", "y": "hi! have you met ted?"}, {"x": "i'm in love with her.", "y": "no! as your sponsor i will not let you relapse. you blew it; it's over-move on."}, {"x": "we are now-casual", "y": "yeah, cuz nothing says \"casual\" like inviting a hundred people over just to \"mac\" on one girl. oh, and lily-that's my leg."}, {"x": "get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest.", "y": "what's so special about the roof?"}, {"x": "we do it up there sometimes.", "y": "solid plan, my little friend."}, {"x": "we're the same height.", "y": "but may i suggest one little modification."}, {"x": "that's not the plan.", "y": "should be the plan, i mean look at her. ted, look at her. she's smokin'!"}, {"x": "yeah, but she's not robin.", "y": "exactly! ted, let's wrap. statistic, at every new york party there's always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. she knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. do you see-where i'm going-hu-with this?"}, {"x": "barney, i don't wanna say-", "y": "aargh! scoping, beep, scoping, beep!"}, {"x": "man you're a dork.", "y": "beep, beep, beep, beep. target acquired! and now it's time we play a little game i like to call \"have you met ted?\""}, {"x": "no, come on not this.", "y": "hi! have you met ted?"}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "do you know marshall? lily?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "hmm, do you know anyone at this party?"}, {"x": "i work with carlos.", "y": "excuse me, anyone know a carlos?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "on a silver platter! bon appetite!"}, {"x": "i don't think so.", "y": "your loss, her gain. excuse me, can i show you the roof? it's magical up there!"}, {"x": "whoa-whoa-hey hey. i got that roof reserved!", "y": "dude, robin's not coming."}, {"x": "i'm the luckiest girl alive", "y": "oh, you were so right about the roof. the roof. the roof is on fire, ted! girl from last night, took her back to my place then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple of times sent her walking-she will never find her way back and there she is. how did she get here? did you invite her?"}, {"x": "i have no idea who that is.", "y": "she said she works with carlos, who's carlos?"}, {"x": "i don't know any carlos.", "y": "grr. hi, you. you're back."}, {"x": "i sure am. come on, sweetie, i need a drink.", "y": "\"sweetie\"? really? sweetie?"}, {"x": "alright.", "y": "so, it's over between me-and-works with carlos girl."}, {"x": "oh, that was fast.", "y": "yeah, i was trying to think what's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "thanks, bro"}, {"x": "great, see you tonight. so that was robin.", "y": "oh, this is lame."}, {"x": "lame or \"casual\"?", "y": "lame."}, {"x": "hello, barney.", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "you look well. isn't it weird they invited both of us?", "y": "who? who invited you? no one even know who you are!"}, {"x": "i understand you're hurt, but, you don't have to be cruel. carlos was right about you.", "y": "who is carlos!?"}, {"x": "she's not just \"one of them\" she's the one.", "y": "yeah well, \"the one\" is heading up to \"the roof\"."}, {"x": "my friends are goanna love you-like you-you know, as a friend. jackass.", "y": "unbelievable. that is just a recipe for disaster, they work together"}, {"x": "you jealous?", "y": "oh, please, what does carlos have that i don't?"}, {"x": "ohh!!", "y": "i'm not sure i like her."}, {"x": "what's wrong with maclaren's?", "y": "maclaren's is bore, snore. ted, tonight we're going to go out. we're going to meet some ladies. it's going to be legendary. phone-five!"}, {"x": "yeah, cause maclaren's is fun...", "y": "maclaren's is this much fun. what i'm offering is the chance to have this much fun."}, {"x": "see, you say that. you say it's going to be this much fun. but most of the time it ends up being this much fun. this much fun is good! it's safe. it's guaranteed!", "y": "this hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?"}, {"x": "no it doesn't.", "y": "get in the cab. marshall you too."}, {"x": "oh, i wish i could... i think lily and i are just goi...", "y": "i understand. get in the cab."}, {"x": "why can marshall say no?", "y": "uhh... because he's getting laid."}, {"x": "consistently.", "y": "ted, ted, ted. right here. you keep going to the same bar, you're in a rut and i am a rut buster. i'm going to bust your rut."}, {"x": "it's not a rut, okay. it's a routine and i like it!", "y": "ted, what's the first syllable in rutting peace out, suckers."}, {"x": "alright, so what's this legendary plan.", "y": "first we got to pick someone up at the airport."}, {"x": "okay, i'm outta here.", "y": "estaban, doors!"}, {"x": "why do you have those suitcases, and who are we picking up?", "y": "i don't know. maybe her? or her."}, {"x": "wait so when you said you were going to \"pick someone up at the airport\". you meant you were going to \"pick someone up at the airport\".", "y": "scenario. couple of girls fly into town, looking for a fun weekend in nyc when they meet two handsome international business men just back from a lucrative trip to japan. sample dialogue, \"you have a wheelie bag? wh... i have a wheelie bag!\""}, {"x": "you've gotta be kidding me.", "y": "false. sidebar, tuck in your shirt. you look sketchy."}, {"x": "i'm sketchy?", "y": "trust me, it's going to be legendary."}, {"x": "so...uh, did you just get in from detroit? japan.", "y": "okay, carousel four is tapped out. ready? because i'm about to drop some knowledge. cute girls are not from buffalo. time-out. ten o'clock. you ready to rock this, tedder?"}, {"x": "alright, um, i think we need to refine our back-story first. how did we...", "y": "ted, you klutzy, great guy, you! hey, barney."}, {"x": "philadelphia.", "y": "philly? that's where we're headed!"}, {"x": "you are? well...uh...guess we'll see you on the plane.", "y": "yes, you will. follow them, tickets on me."}, {"x": "that is awesome.", "y": "hey, is that marshall? marshall, stop whatever you're doing, get in that hoopty-ass vierro of yours and come meet us in philly. it's going to be legendary."}, {"x": "man, i wish i could, guys, but...", "y": "yeah, yeah, yeah... i sent you some pictures on my phone, check it. philly! admit it, you're having fun. this much fun. thirty-five thousand feet of fun!"}, {"x": "well i didn't think we'd be on a flying to philadelphia when i woke up this morning, i'll give you that.", "y": "let's go talk to those girls."}, {"x": "whoa, whoa, whoa, the seatbelt light is on.", "y": "ted, you've been living your whole life in a seatbelt. it's time to unclick."}, {"x": "sir, seatbelt light's on.", "y": "yeah, sorry, sorry."}, {"x": "fine!", "y": "no! no! the night is just started. look, airport bar. flight attendants! they'll get your tray table at its full upright position. say what?"}, {"x": "barney, i am going to k*ll you.", "y": "don't say you're going to k*ll someone in front of airport security, not cool. not cool."}, {"x": "we got footage of you placing two bags on jfk carousel three, and abandoning them to purchase a last minute flight with cash.", "y": "those bags were your responsibility."}, {"x": "look, this is all just... it's a misunderstanding.", "y": "please. we are international businessmen. my colleague accidentally left the bags there now please let us go before we miss our international business meeting."}, {"x": "can't remember the last time i saw an international business man with an untucked shirt. in addition, we received this footage taken over the last few months.", "y": "believe it or not, that duff bag thing worked."}, {"x": "yes, he's that lame. tell them you're that lame!", "y": "we are international businessmen..."}, {"x": "sir! lower your voice or we'll restrain you.", "y": "dude, seriously, relax."}, {"x": "we at least get to call our lawyer.", "y": "exactly! we have a lawyer?"}, {"x": "you had to play the race card.", "y": "relax, ted. we didn't do anything wrong. and, b.t.w, we'd be out of here by now if you'd have tucked in your shirt."}, {"x": "no, we can't just... we're going home!", "y": "we're going to sascha's?"}, {"x": "who the hell is sascha?", "y": "sascha. she's having friends over for drinks at her house. it's goanna be legen... wait for it...and i hope you're not lactose intolerant 'cuz the second half of that word is... dairy."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "legendary!"}, {"x": "fine. hold on i have another call. hello.", "y": "marshall, we're going to sascha's!"}, {"x": "no, we're not.", "y": "ted, ted, ted. yes, we are."}, {"x": "oh, damn it!", "y": "so, uh... you're sascha's friends, huh?"}, {"x": "you guys, keep the volume down. you're goanna wake my grandpa. who wants hard lemonade?", "y": "philly!"}, {"x": "shh!", "y": "philly!"}, {"x": "no! don't interrupt it's awesome. so the rings really off, huh? it's awesome... well just tell her i called and... tell her that... she's awesome. really, really awesome. our relationship is built on mutual trust. i can't breathe!", "y": "did you hear that, ted? dana works security at the liberty bell."}, {"x": "i do okay.", "y": "wow it must be really well cordoned off over there. you ever go behind the rope and touch it?"}, {"x": "only all the time.", "y": "ever, like, stick your head inside it?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "d'you ever lick it?"}, {"x": "nope, i have never licked it.", "y": "hmm... i bet nobody in history has ever licked the liberty bell! if someone were to pull that off i dare say it would be... what's the word?"}, {"x": "well, this is my stop.", "y": "legendary, ted, legendary!"}, {"x": "hey!", "y": "could have licked the liberty bell."}, {"x": "we're going to the airport.", "y": "bong, bong..."}, {"x": "why do i hang out with you? why? all i wanted was to have a regular beer, in a regular bar with my regular friends, in my regular city!", "y": "ted, ted... you're not even looking."}, {"x": "no, i'm not.", "y": "look, our forefathers d*ed for the pursuit of happiness, okay. not for the sit around and wait of happiness. now if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer talk to the same people everyday, or you can lick the liberty bell! you can grab life by the cr*ck and lick the crap out of it!"}, {"x": "that was beautiful, man!", "y": "thanks, leonard. ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson!"}, {"x": "look, i don't need you to teach me how to live, okay. i know how to live. if you want to go lick the liberty bell just go lick it yourself.", "y": "no, it has to be the two of us."}, {"x": "why? why do you need me?", "y": "because, you're my best friend, alright? you don't have to tell me i'm yours. but the way i see it, we're a team. without you, i'm just the dynamic uno. you know what, fine. if you wanna go home... then we'll go home."}, {"x": "fine...we'll go lick the liberty bell!", "y": "good, 'cuz we're here!"}, {"x": "that's the crazy part. i've had this shirt for, like, six years... until this morning i wasn't into it at all, but now it's like my tastes have changed.", "y": "booger."}, {"x": "barney's offering me fifty bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.", "y": "not some stupid word, \"booger\"."}, {"x": "but i'm not doing it, i am a journalist.", "y": "what? journalist? you do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. old people, babies, monkeys... that's not journalism, that's just things in a diaper."}, {"x": "so i'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying \"booger\" for fifty bucks.", "y": "of course not, because now you're saying \"nipple\" and it's a hundred! step into my web."}, {"x": "not goonies, girls. what if there's someone from my past, who i thought was wrong for me at the time, but in fact she, like my shirt, is actually a perfect fit?", "y": "hold up, there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated. breast, implants."}, {"x": "i just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time, of course now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad... maybe i should call her? what do you guys think?", "y": "you dumped a p*rn star? friendship over friendship over!"}, {"x": "at least it's better than booger. booger.", "y": "there she is. hey is it cold in here, because i can kind of see robin's nickels? now for your next challenge..."}, {"x": "no, there is not going to be another challenge, i don't care how much you offer me.", "y": "oh, search your soul, robin. you and i both know this wasn't about the money. sure, metro news one pays you jack and hey, a little green salad on the side's good for you, me and mr. mcgee."}, {"x": "seriously, who talks like that?", "y": "well baby really likes, is the thrill of pulling one over on those bean counters, who under appreciate you and still haven't promoted you. and for two more hundy-sticks, baby's going to look in the camera and say this"}, {"x": "i don't know!", "y": "did you sleep with her sister?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "sleep with her mom?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "i'm losing interest in your story."}, {"x": "hi, marshall, it's lily. we're not going have sex for at least a month. but you're awesome. okay bye-bye.", "y": "know, that was a big mistake, ted. you should've done it in person."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "desperate \"please-don't-leave-me\" sex is amazing."}, {"x": "that was me then, okay? this is the new old shirt-wearing, sack-having ted. i'm gonna make this right.", "y": "you know what else? my younger sister just got married and i'm about to turn thirty-sex. fantastic."}, {"x": "i have no idea. some kind of yoga?", "y": "you know, that natalie... she's good times."}, {"x": "ineffable... good word. so when are you going to do it?", "y": "she's probably on the subway by now. you could call her voice mail. beep, dumped. click. done!"}, {"x": "no, no. we're going to get you out of this. okay, how about... \"it's not you it's me\"?", "y": "mm... mm! six words! you... look... fat... in... those... jeans..., you're free to go."}, {"x": "ted, have you considered telling her the truth?", "y": "seriously, honey, men are working, here."}, {"x": "want to talk mature? i just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.", "y": "and great tv was had by all. alright scherbatsky, new challenge. and this one's big. but so, is the cash reward. for one thousand dollars, you heard me, all you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these..."}, {"x": "the ickey shuffle.", "y": "and as you do it, you say this, \"elbert ickey woods. the bangles were fools to cut you in '91. your 1521 rushing yards and your 27 touch downs will not be forgotten. so coach dave shullah, screw you and your crappy steakhouse.\""}, {"x": "well...", "y": "ahh! this is it."}, {"x": "oh, boy, here we go.", "y": "everyone, everyone... if i may direct your attention to the television. you're about to see something... amazing."}, {"x": "and them, in '72, mickey mantle rode my cab for the fourth time.", "y": "come on, baby... bring it home."}, {"x": "you planned that?", "y": "no, marshall. that was beyond my wildest dreams"}, {"x": "it's in my hair!", "y": "but isn't it nice to know that people are watching?"}, {"x": "i'm bleeding internally.", "y": "hey, ted, you know what always picks me up when i'm down? other people's misfortune. you missed something so amazing."}, {"x": "please can we please have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it?", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "because tonight, i am getting us all into \"okay\".", "y": "\"okay\"!? awesome!!"}, {"x": "what's going on, did i just have a stroke?", "y": "\"okay\" is the name of a club. yeah, it's supposed to be incredibly exclusive. this friend of mine once waited outside for two hours, he couldn't get in."}, {"x": "a friend of yours named you?", "y": "no... a friend of mine named, shut up."}, {"x": "he's even getting me into the vip room.", "y": "yeah, he just wants to show you his own vip if you know what i mean..."}, {"x": "okay, what does \"vip\" stand for in your universe?", "y": "... i know that the \"p\" is penis."}, {"x": "ever since then she's been signing him up for book clubs, cooking classes...", "y": "all the things you do when you know where the next ten thousand lays are coming from."}, {"x": "oh, you are gonna love kelly. she's fun, she's smart, she lives in the moment.", "y": "translation, she's ugly, she's ugly, she ugs in the ugly."}, {"x": "okay, i guess i can take her off your hands for an evening.", "y": "so, do you have any other hot single fr..."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "and his hair was perfect."}, {"x": "hey we're wearing the same shirt! oh, wait no that's just my shirt reflected in yours.", "y": "one of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects. you really never read my blog, do you?"}, {"x": "alright, well, have fun at your little disco, guys.", "y": "what the hell happened to these two?"}, {"x": "yeah, it's going to be sweet, too. like tonight we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool gourmet cheeses...", "y": "wow, who knew being committed in a heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay."}, {"x": "alright, cool kids are leaving now. grandma, grandpa... don't wait up.", "y": "my, oh, my there are some ferocious looking cutlets here tonight. alright, hookup strategy, colon, find a cutlet; lock her in early, grind with her all night till she's mine."}, {"x": "do strategies ever work for you?", "y": "question is do these strategies ever not work for me? either way the answer's \"about half the time\"."}, {"x": "whoa... this place in lourd!", "y": "you think?"}, {"x": "i'm bailing, see ya.", "y": "oh hey, i can't see her face. is she hot?"}, {"x": "...any aspirin?", "y": "maybe theres..."}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "ted, bring your coat, we're leaving."}, {"x": "what? what happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?", "y": "that was my cousin, leslie."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "no, no, no... we are not laughing about this, ted. this is not going to be some funny story that we'll be telling in a couple months. it's not gonna be like, \"hey, remember that time when you were grinding with... no! and you know why? because, italics, this night did not happen. and you promise me that you will never, ever, ever tell another soul what transpired here tonight. you promise. promise"}, {"x": "alright, i promise. let's get marshall and go, okay. hey. thanks for saving my night. i'll talk to you soon? umm, hey... tip her, barney.", "y": "why, i didn't check a coat. and even if i did, on principle tip jars have become so..."}, {"x": "funny story, barney was grinding with this girl all night...", "y": "fine! just... eh."}, {"x": "tarzan nipple blue.", "y": "you know what i love about halloween? it's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. if a girl dresses up as she a witch, she's a slutty witch. if she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. if she's a nurse..."}, {"x": "wow, we get it.", "y": "she's a slutty nurse."}, {"x": "and she...", "y": "and she called it the tootsie roll."}, {"x": "never found her number, never saw her again. but every year they have a halloween party up on the roof so that's where i'll be.", "y": "you know, ted, it's been four years. she could be engaged or married or, god forbid, fat."}, {"x": "it's an elaborate costume.", "y": "no, no, not again. not this year. you're going as my wingman. flight suit up!"}, {"x": "no thanks. i'm sticking with the hanging chad.", "y": "oh you're dangerous, maverick. your ego's writing check your body can't cash. ok. here's the plan, and i crap you not. i'm getting us into the victoria's secret halloween party. trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging."}, {"x": "we can get rejected by supermodels any night of the year. tonight, i'm going up to the roof, i'm gonna have a few beers, i'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin. that's just what i do.", "y": "hm, victoria's secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or yale preppies reuniting their stupid a capella group. what's that left hand? right hand sucks? word."}, {"x": "i'm heading up to the roof.", "y": "well, boys, looks like it's just the three of us. what's that? self-five? nice. we out."}, {"x": "i think we got them b*at.", "y": "i can't believe you talked me into this."}, {"x": "i didn't. you followed me up here.", "y": "this party sucks. there are seven chicks here."}, {"x": "my bonnie lies over the ocean. my bonnie lies over the sea. my bonnie lives over the ocean. oh bring back my bonnie to me...", "y": "what be a pirate's favorite kind of sweater?"}, {"x": "arr-gyle.", "y": "and what be a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?"}, {"x": "arrr-by's", "y": "would think it would be arby's, but actually it's long john silver's."}, {"x": "really tasty.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "so, what does a fella have to do to get lei'd around here? yeah."}, {"x": "right, cuz i'm wearing a lei.", "y": "it isn't funny if you explain the joke."}, {"x": "oh, barney, come on, i'm having fun. it's really great seeing these guys again.", "y": "name one person you know at this party."}, {"x": "well, there's ninja, back of horse. where's front of horse? that guys a riot. where is he?", "y": "ok, i'm leaving, but just know that this victoria's secret party is on a yacht. and what will be sticking to that yacht? the barnacle."}, {"x": "really? that's the nickname now?", "y": "yeah, the barnacle."}, {"x": "the barnacle.", "y": "that's it. barnacle out."}, {"x": "barney. what, you're back?", "y": "that's right."}, {"x": "in a totally new costume.", "y": "every halloween, i bring a spare costume in case i strike out with the hottest girl at the party. that way i have a second chance to make a first impression."}, {"x": "it's half you're pathetic, half i have to pee.", "y": "so go to the bathroom."}, {"x": "no, there's a huge line. i don't want to miss the slutty pumpkin.", "y": "so pee off the roof. ooh, ted, pee off the roof."}, {"x": "whoa, i wouldn't do that if i were you. there's people walking down there.", "y": "come on, ted, who are you going to listen to? me or mr. goody-goody over there."}, {"x": "well, let's dig in, mi... mi... microwave oven.", "y": "let me guess. every guy has used the lei'd line on you tonight."}, {"x": "you wouldn't believe.", "y": "i apologize for my gender. let me make it up to you. make you a drink."}, {"x": "you certainly are a charming devil.", "y": "i'm also a horny devil. yeah."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "oh, go to hell."}, {"x": "brain freeze.", "y": "ok victoria's secret party right now."}, {"x": "nope.", "y": "come on, i can't stand to watching my delusional friend waste another precious halloween. the slutty pumpkin is not coming."}, {"x": "she might.", "y": "oy."}, {"x": "come on, barney, this is not about the odds, this is about believing. this girl, she represents something to me, i don't know, hope.", "y": "wow. i did not understand a word you just said. lingerie models on a boat!"}, {"x": "see ya.", "y": "no, see ya. ow."}, {"x": "uh, excuse me, this is gonna sound crazy, but i met someone up on this roof four years ago and they mixed that cocktail and they loved penguins. by any chance, was that you? it's you. i was crazy but i can't...", "y": "you are such a loser. come on, i came back for you, ted. i penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. and to score hula girl's number. check and check."}, {"x": "unbelievable.", "y": "yes, it is."}, {"x": "wait a minute. you're that lame army guy.", "y": "what? no no, that's some other guy and he was a kick-ass fighter pilot"}, {"x": "i cannot believe i gave you my number", "y": "yeah, well, you did, thanks."}, {"x": "well, give it back.", "y": "uh, i don't think so. i earned it fair and square. i'm calling you."}, {"x": "but i'm never gonna go out with you.", "y": "but how will you know it's me? i'm a master of disguise. yeah."}, {"x": "nice.", "y": "come on, ted, victoria's secret party now. let's go."}, {"x": "i'm staying.", "y": "fine. fine."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i'm flippering you off."}, {"x": "i know, i'm still shaking.", "y": "what the? haha, joke's on you, i have a cold."}, {"x": "but those things coming out of his head, those were antennae", "y": "marshall ran away from a cockroach."}, {"x": "it, it was a mouse.", "y": "oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. you're a man."}, {"x": "science. everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.", "y": "was that chick at the end really a client?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "we're signing up."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "ted, these chicks are desperate and hot. that's a perfect cocktail. shake well, then sleep with."}, {"x": "oh my god.", "y": "come on."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "my boat is sinking."}, {"x": "your boat is sinking. that was good.", "y": "come on, ted, this is an incredible opportunity. we'll meet our soulmates, nail 'em and never call them again."}, {"x": "all finished, gentlemen? congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.", "y": "gosh, thanks, ellen. i sure hope this works. i'm so done with the single life, all the games, the meaningless sex."}, {"x": "you deserve more.", "y": "that is so true, ellen. i really think i'm ready to stop being a me and start being a we."}, {"x": "oh, of course you can. that is so...", "y": "it's kinda hard to talk about with ted here, but i just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night when the tears come. ellen, can you help me find her?"}, {"x": "get out.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i get 15 guys like you every week. jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call them again.", "y": "oh my god, people do that."}, {"x": "you wanna do this the easy way or the hard way?", "y": "what's the hard way? security roughs me up and tosses me out?"}, {"x": "that's the easy way. the hard way is that i stomp the crap out of you myself.", "y": "ok, ted, let's go."}, {"x": "you're cute. you're an architect. good career and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend, jack package.", "y": "it's pronounced 'pa-kojj.'"}, {"x": "ok, it's back and this time we got a good look.", "y": "hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that."}, {"x": "shh, shh, it's ok, it's over.", "y": "so did you get a good look at it?"}, {"x": "it's some sort of mutant combination of the two. it's as if a cockroach and a mouse...you know...", "y": "hit the horizontal ten-legged interspecies cha-cha?"}, {"x": "did you just use my name as a verb?", "y": "oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. ted-out to overthink. also see ted-up. ted-up to overthink something with disastrous results. sample sentence billy tedded up when"}, {"x": "my god, this is incredible. we're like the same person. sarah o'brien loves brunch.", "y": "wow, ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman."}, {"x": "ok, this is getting weird, the similarities go on and on. she hates phonies. i totally hate phonies too. she's a dermatologist. i have skin.", "y": "you wanna be her boyfriend. she already has a boyfriend. it's uncanny."}, {"x": "whoa whoa whoa, let's not skip over this. raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.", "y": "come on, lily, don't hate the player, hate the game."}, {"x": "ted, hi, this is dr. o'brien. about today, listen, i really need to talk to you. call me, i'll be at the office all day.", "y": "the doctor will see you now."}, {"x": "yeah, an 8.5 guy. look, if i was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it, i'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.", "y": "happy ending."}, {"x": "look, i have to go down there. i don't know what's gonna happen when i get there but i have to give it a sh*t.", "y": "all right, see you later. happy hunting."}, {"x": "wait, where are you guys going? don't you want to stay and see the cockamouse.", "y": "yeah, we're gonna make some crop circles."}, {"x": "yeah. i mean, you basically live here anyway. it's not like it'll change anything.", "y": "no, it's like it'll change everything. oh, ted, you are so screwed."}, {"x": "and why is that girl checking you out?", "y": "because i look good. now focus, you and marshall are roommates. you have an amazing apartment. marshall and lily just got engaged"}, {"x": "yeah, so?", "y": "so, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? someone's going to move out. so who's it gonna be?"}, {"x": "dammit past ted", "y": "you blew it, dude. now that lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic. they're edging you out."}, {"x": "one of my best friends. he wouldn't do that to me.", "y": "just keep your eyes open. that's all i'm saying, ted. little things are gonna be changing around that apartment."}, {"x": "come on, barney, you're just being paranoid. ok, seriously, what is this girl's deal?", "y": "sort of on a date with her."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i found her online. i'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. i'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who i can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. but this girl, she wants the same stuff and it's bumming me out. all right, ted, call me from the hospital."}, {"x": "oh, lord, fake emergency? that is lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book. i expect more from you, barney.", "y": "well, stay tuned, i'm working on some stuff. but in the meantime, wish me luck."}, {"x": "ooh, can i do it?", "y": "hello? robin hi there, sexy."}, {"x": "oh, nothing. just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.", "y": "an accident? well, is uncle rudy gonna be ok? robin aunt kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy."}, {"x": "come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.", "y": "well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. i'll be right there."}, {"x": "they're edging me out. they're totally edging me out. i didn't' believe it but you're right.", "y": "told you. that lily, she's a shrewd one."}, {"x": "one of your best friends. the point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.", "y": "healthy communication? that's the worst idea ever. look, you held off their first advance. that's good. now it's time to counter-strike."}, {"x": "yeah, well, what am i supposed to do?", "y": "you gotta mark your territory, and i don't mean missing the toilet. you gotta do something big."}, {"x": "what, like buy a new sofa?", "y": "bigger."}, {"x": "a lemon law, like for cars.", "y": "exactly. from the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. and if you don't, it's no hard feelings just good night, thanks for playing, see you never. huh? huh? the lemon law, it's gonna be a thing, possibly starting right now."}, {"x": "hi, it's good to finally meet you.", "y": "hm, yeah. katie, you are about to be a part of history."}, {"x": "you're a jerk.", "y": "no, i'm a visionary. lemon law, it's gonna be a thing!"}, {"x": "for the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention span society.", "y": "no, wrong, lemon law is awesome."}, {"x": "it takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone. you keep giving up on people so quickly, you're gonna miss out on something great.", "y": "ok, you're on a blind date, sitting across the table is that guy."}, {"x": "yes i do. for all i know, that guy's my soul-mate.", "y": "bad move, scherbatsky."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "time's running out, scherbatsky. last chance for the lemon law."}, {"x": "leave me alone.", "y": "456, 457, 458."}, {"x": "we're only just getting to know each other.", "y": "say i'm right and this could all be over. this could be your call from the hospital."}, {"x": "they're just patching her up. she's gonna be fine.", "y": "so get this, i was on a date with this girl, jackie."}, {"x": "yeah, i'm sorry, i'm gonna have to lemon law you.", "y": "it's out there, it's a thing. the lemon law is a thing. damn, i should have called it barney's law."}, {"x": "not how much? what.", "y": "the thankstini. a fun and delicious new novelty drink i invented. cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. tastes just like a turkey dinner."}, {"x": "no, barney's got his own thanksgiving tradition.", "y": "thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? the lusty leopard has a surprisingly good thanksgiving buffet. plus, they do this thing. heather dresses up as a pilgrim and misty dresses up as an indian, and they share a meal."}, {"x": "oh, barney.", "y": "i'm sorry, native american."}, {"x": "yeah, i thought i'd just spend the day giving back, you know, doing some good.", "y": "canceling out barney."}, {"x": "i know. i'm so psyched we did this. look at all these people, giving up their thanksgiving to help their fellow man. these have got to be the best people in new york.", "y": "excuse me, guys. coming through."}, {"x": "barney?", "y": "well, hi guys."}, {"x": "what are you doing here?", "y": "oh, just the lord's work."}, {"x": "but you're satan.", "y": "guys, ok, look, i don't advertise it, but i volunteer here. i think it's important to help the less fortunate. i'm the angelina jolie of incredibly hot guys."}, {"x": "barney, we need you out front. there is a logjam on the stuffing line. can you show them how it's done?", "y": "i'm on it."}, {"x": "every sunday, all year long. he's our best volunteer", "y": "that's because i was trained by the best, kendall."}, {"x": "come on, we just wanna help out.", "y": "kendall, they're cool."}, {"x": "fine, but i'm not promising anything. wait here, we'll let you know if we need you.", "y": "ok, well, i better get out there. there's a lot of food to give out. and a lot of smiles."}, {"x": "hey, barn? what do you say you let us sub in for you, scoop stuffing for a little bit?", "y": "you wanna scoop stuffing your first day out? hello, nfl, can i be quarterback this sunday? dude."}, {"x": "lily!", "y": "so, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. you know, ted, it's called thanksgiving, not thankstaking. damn."}, {"x": "barney, you need me to sign your time sheet, right?", "y": "yeah, right. thanks."}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "yeah, what's up?"}, {"x": "you have a time sheet. no one else has a time sheet.", "y": "yeah, so."}, {"x": "all right, let me see that.", "y": "that's my private personal business!"}, {"x": "court-mandated community service.", "y": "that's my private personal business."}, {"x": "you peed on a church?", "y": "i peed in an alley which happened to have a church which i did not see because i was drunk."}, {"x": "now, all's right with the world again.", "y": "ok, fine, so a judge is making me do this but i'm still doing it, and kicking ass at it, btw."}, {"x": "apparently you can. and his two non-mushroom-throwing friends.", "y": "i can't believe that i told kendall you guys were cool. i had 40 hours left on my community service and now i've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, i'm sorry. ok, look, if there's anything i can do to make it up to you, just tell me, i'll do it.", "y": "ted, i'm glad you asked."}, {"x": "surprisingly good.", "y": "right? i told you so."}, {"x": "you wanna know why i have to work tomorrow? my firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company. in the fight against cancer, i'm on the side of cancer.", "y": "ok, ted, i found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. this is walter, and walter is homeless. and walter would like a lap dance."}, {"x": "are you joking?", "y": "i never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment."}, {"x": "no, i'm stuffed. just a lap dance would be fine.", "y": "ted, walter's been to three shelter dinners. you know where he hasn't been? to heaven with samantha. look, it's the one chance you've had all day to help someone in need. now buy this man a lap dance."}, {"x": "i hope not.", "y": "no, no."}, {"x": "ok, i know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that carl is a vampire?", "y": "that's ridiculous."}, {"x": "$1500, stop rounding up. and it's for third world hunger.", "y": "you gonna put out?"}, {"x": "ok, first of all, hundred millionaire. and second, she's not the girl of my dreams. we're just friend. look, it would not be smart if we got together. i mean, i'm looking to settle down. she's looking for...", "y": "what? you done? great. check out table number four. see that little hottie on the end. she's short but has an ample bosom. i love it. she's like half-boob. let's go."}, {"x": "yeah, and say what? what's our big opening line?", "y": "daddy's home."}, {"x": "daddy's home?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "you want us to go over there right now and say to those girls, 'daddy's home.' really think about that, barney.", "y": "hm. yeah, i think it's pretty solid."}, {"x": "oh, daddy's back. see, if you'd taken a moment to think about that...", "y": "then daddy wouldn't have gotten this seven-digit father's day card from amy, huh?"}, {"x": "that worked. i hate the world.", "y": "ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. i'm teaching you how to do, do, do."}, {"x": "doo-doo.", "y": "totally."}, {"x": "so, i think a lot. i happen to have a very powerful brain. it can't be helped.", "y": "oh yes it can."}, {"x": "interesting", "y": "ted, i believe you and i met for a reason. it's like the universe was saying, hey, barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool but it's your job to make him awesome. your brain screws you up, ted. it gets in the way. it happened with robin, it happened with half-boob. and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neuroses inebriation-style."}, {"x": "so, what? you want me to do a sh*t.", "y": "oh no. i want you to do five sh*ts."}, {"x": "barney, i think you've officially...", "y": "no, don't think. do."}, {"x": "even alcohol cannot stop this brain.", "y": "i love it, i love it, i love it."}, {"x": "oh.", "y": "no....dammit."}, {"x": "oh, bad idea.", "y": "no, no, that's a great idea. that's the whole point of getting drunk. you do things you would never do in a million years if you were sober."}, {"x": "you'll get this back at the end of class.", "y": "ding, class dismissed. here you go, kid, you call whoever you want."}, {"x": "that girl in there is alive, right? ted i should call barney, maybe he knows what happened.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "why are you sleeping in our tub?", "y": "the porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."}, {"x": "wait, were you here when i went to the bathroom in the middle of the night?", "y": "don't worry, i slept through it. i totally didn't sleep through it. for a little girl, you've got a big t*nk."}, {"x": "how did you get in here anyway? we put ted to bed around one.", "y": "oh, you put ted to bed all right."}, {"x": "i'm back baby doll!", "y": "hey, hey hey hey, he rallies. and the night begins now."}, {"x": "i think....", "y": "ehhh! trick question, no thinking. you know what time it is? it's do o'clock. let's ride."}, {"x": "bring it.", "y": "have you met ted?"}, {"x": "i'm calling robin.", "y": "ted, as your mentor and spiritual guide, i forbid you from calling her."}, {"x": "oh yeah? what you gonna do?", "y": "if you complete that call, i will set your coat on fire."}, {"x": "you set me on fire.", "y": "real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast. you got robbed, this is a blend."}, {"x": "and a pineapple. am i the only one who's curious about the pineapple?", "y": "who is she?"}, {"x": "i have no idea.", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "you really don't know who that is?", "y": "no, after i hosed you down with a beverage g*n, i brought you back here."}, {"x": "barney, you've always taken care of me. you are a gentleman and a scholar. go into my stable and take my finest stallion. he's yours, his name is windjammer.", "y": "sleep it off, bra."}, {"x": "did you guys?", "y": "oh come on. you've gotta give me this one. those five sh*ts got you farther with robin than your brain ever did. see what happens when you don't think? you do! more importantly, you do robin. come on."}, {"x": "still, what does this mean? are we dating now? i mean, i never pictured it going down this way, but maybe that's how it had to happen. i mean, think about it...", "y": "someone get him a sh*t, he's thinking again."}, {"x": "wake her up and say what?", "y": "daddy's home."}, {"x": "i know, it's two years of my life i'm never getting back. a little part of me just wants to jump the bones of the next guy i see.", "y": "daddy's home."}, {"x": "or the one after that.", "y": "ok, fair enough. i've got to prove a point to a friend, so you just gave me your number and your name is amy."}, {"x": "hey guys.", "y": "robin."}, {"x": "hi robin.", "y": "top of the morning."}, {"x": "i love to snack.", "y": "i'm good."}, {"x": "okay, people, let's talk strategy. last new years, we went our separate ways, and it sucked. this year we party together or not at all. now, i sifted through your party submission and i narrowed them down to these five.", "y": "question?"}, {"x": "yes, barney, your submissions were received and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.", "y": "but you enjoyed the e-vite, right? thas an actual picture of my pants."}, {"x": "oh, she works in my office. she seems like she might be into me. she's always finding reasons to hug me. so tonight...", "y": "people often ask me \"barney, how is it that you're so psyched so much of the time?\""}, {"x": "by who? who asks you that?", "y": "and the answer is right here... my own, personal \"get psyched\" mix. now, people often think a good mix should rise and fall, but people are wrong. it should be all rise, baby. now prepare yourselves for an audio journey into the white-hot center of adrenaline. bam."}, {"x": "oh, god. i'm reaching dangerous levels of psychage. must do robot.", "y": "let's do this!"}, {"x": "yes! let's! oh, driver?", "y": "ranjit! dude, you're driving a limo now. that's awesome."}, {"x": "oh, we rode in his cab one time. it's a long story.", "y": "hey, what are we waiting for? we got five parties to hit, and three hours to do it."}, {"x": "party number one!", "y": "party number one!"}, {"x": "so, barney, who's your new friend?", "y": "natalya."}, {"x": "so, where are you from, natalya?", "y": "she... who knows? the former soviet republic of drunk-off-her-ass-istan?"}, {"x": "super-drunk-fantastic, huh?", "y": "isn't she awesome?"}, {"x": "okay, ted, but these dogs are really barking.", "y": "it's true. i can hear them. what's that, little boys? what's that? you wanna go for a... rock?"}, {"x": "party number three. yeah.", "y": "oh, wait, wait, wait. we have to turn around. we left natalya."}, {"x": "barney, none of us really liked her.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "sorry.", "y": "oh, very nice, lily. you know, she is a guest in this country. so while you may chose to turn your back on her, i choose to turn my front on her. what up?"}, {"x": "oh, dude, not now!", "y": "what? she needs to get psyched. fine."}, {"x": "maybe i should just go home.", "y": "my finger slipped."}, {"x": "oh, yes. ted, you rock.", "y": "we couldn't go back for natalya, a human being, but we do have time for hot dogs?"}, {"x": "yeah, we like hot dogs.", "y": "no. no. we are already behind schedule. ted, come on. we have an hour and a half before midnight i don't want to be kissing ranjit."}, {"x": "should i say something? i should say something, right? moby! hey, moby!", "y": "oh, my god. he's coming over. everybody be cool. everybody be cool."}, {"x": "wow. you're friendly.", "y": "big fan. barney stinson. so, uh... what about this party?"}, {"x": "this is a cool mix. you know, people think a great mix has to rise and fall. i think it should be all rise.", "y": "yes. moby... yeah, it should start high, get higher. this mix is my pride and joy. i never leave home without it."}, {"x": "oh, that's how i feel about janice here.", "y": "jan... aah!"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "but when we said, \"hey, moby,\" you said, \"yeah.\""}, {"x": "you're sure? come on. it's going to get nuts in there. there's this dude who owes me money.", "y": "no, uh, we're good. we're good. happy new year, not moby."}, {"x": "oh, hey, hey, um, be safe.", "y": "why did we think that guy was moby?"}, {"x": "i don't know. i see a short bald hipster, my mind goes straight to moby.", "y": "that's marshall's phone. hello."}, {"x": "oh, marshall, thank god i got through.", "y": "hey, sexy."}, {"x": "barney, where's marshall?", "y": "he left his phone in the limo. he's out looking for you."}, {"x": "what? where?", "y": "party number three."}, {"x": "well, i'm here at party number three and... oh, my god! guess who just walked in... moby!", "y": "moby?! she's upstairs."}, {"x": "who was that guy?!", "y": "well, we know it's not moby and it's not tony."}, {"x": "no, no, no, no you were at party number four. you must have looked at the list wrong.", "y": "well, after that rather unpsyching experience, you know what it's time for? it's time to... what? that's right, re-psych. re-psy... where's the...? oh, my god! not moby took my \"get psyched\" mix!"}, {"x": "i wish marshall would call. i guess the circuits are jammed.", "y": "yeah, you know why all the circuits are jammed because everyone's calling their loved ones, everyone around the world. everyone except barney. oh, sure, laugh. laugh for barney stinson. laugh for the sad clown trapped on his whirling carousel of suits and cigars and bimbos and booze. round and round it goes. and where's it all heading? nowhere."}, {"x": "is this just 'cause you lost your \"get psyched\" mix?", "y": "i'm sorry. am i not allowed to have a pensive side?"}, {"x": "oh, she just had to make an appearance at this other party. it's no big deal.", "y": "the first time i rode in a limo i was five. i was on the way to my grandfather's funeral. i suppose, in a way, i still am."}, {"x": "marshall!", "y": "give it a rest, ted."}, {"x": "give what a rest?", "y": "trying to turn this night into anything more than what it is, which is new year's eve which is the single biggest letdown of a night every single year."}, {"x": "come on, come on, we can still turn this thing around. we've still got ten minutes.", "y": "stop trying to chase down some magical, perfect new years, ted. it doesn't exist."}, {"x": "yes, moby's party. check it out. he signed my shirt. and guess what i found. yeah, i heard it playing at the party, so i swiped it. yeah, i know. come on.", "y": "come on! oh! oh!"}, {"x": "natalya?", "y": "yeah, it turns out she was asleep in the front seat the whole time. ranjit, why didn't you tell me?"}, {"x": "who the hell am i gonna bring to this wedding?", "y": "ted, have you ignored all my teachings? ted for the most part, yeah."}, {"x": "deer carcass, really? that's the metaphor you're going for?", "y": "ted, it's a simile."}, {"x": "never really clicked. i felt bad though, he was pretty bummed.", "y": "don't b*at yourself up. he'll be fine. i mean, the guy's like a billionaire. he can put his platinum card on a fishing line and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you."}, {"x": "i need a date to this wedding. wish me luck", "y": "what i don't get is, why is claudia marrying stuart? she's way hotter than him. how way? way way."}, {"x": "ah, here we go.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "a little girl?", "y": "what up?"}, {"x": "right. but i'm the bride, so i win.", "y": "seriously, claudia and stuart?! i mean, i've hooked up with the odd lass who was beneath my level of attractiveness, but, you know, i was drunk. there's no way claudia has been drunk for three years."}, {"x": "yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?", "y": "invigorating, thanks."}, {"x": "i don't believe this, claudia is crazy.", "y": "but to be fair, she's also hot."}, {"x": "i totally checked 'plus one', i'm sure i did.", "y": "yeah, right."}, {"x": "i did.", "y": "yeah, i don't think you did. you know why? because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date. see, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship, deep down you're single. it's your default setting. ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?"}, {"x": "oh great, here comes the 'little barney' speech.", "y": "behind a curtain, in a dark little room, secretly controlling your every move..."}, {"x": "a little barney.", "y": "a little barney. and you know what he said? \"ted, you will bring no dates to this wedding. you will hit on drunk bridesmaids with actual-size barney.\""}, {"x": "let's say we get these crazy kids back together.", "y": "hi, sad-eyes. what's got you down? claudia stuart and i just broke up."}, {"x": "you remembered i drink vodka cranberries.", "y": "remember? when it comes to you, how could i forget?"}, {"x": "you got $400,000?", "y": "no, but i do have a hug."}, {"x": "you know i don't have $400,000, right?", "y": "that's just, that's... two more vodka cranberries please."}, {"x": "thanks for listening, barney. really means a lot to me.", "y": "isn't it weird that we should run into each other like this? two souls of equal levels of attractiveness, both fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle."}, {"x": "oh, hell no.", "y": "oww"}, {"x": "claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me god, if i catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, i will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and i will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then i'll feed them to you like grapes.", "y": "wait, my eyes or my testicles? lily one of each."}, {"x": "wow, the peace corps?", "y": "yeah, i ship out tomorrow for two years. you know, some people say the peace corps is the most noble thing a person can do. to those people, i say, \"is it?\" and usually they say, \"yes it is.\""}, {"x": "barney, they are so right. i wish there was something i could do.", "y": "oh, tanya, i'm so glad you said that."}, {"x": "wow, this is kind of exciting. our names will forever be shrouded...", "y": "ted, ted, ted, look, i got a bridesmaid, ted, look, look, ted, the second hottest bridesmaid, ted, look. see ya ted."}, {"x": "great. how do we get in touch with the bridesmaids?", "y": "this better be good, i'm about to enter nirvana. by the way, i should give you nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. say what?"}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "ow. i know the house rules. es un chiste."}, {"x": "uh, listen, barney, i saw you talking to that bridesmaid last night. did you happen to get her phone number?", "y": "you know i did."}, {"x": "great. i'm gonna need you to call her for me.", "y": "you know i won't."}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "because we just hooked up last night. i can't call the girl the next day. i have to wait at least, like, forever. oh snap. never gonna call her. besides, she thinks i'm on my way to india."}, {"x": "oh, come on, barney. it's for a good cause.", "y": "ted going all castrati over another girl is exactly not a good cause. sorry, buddy, i wish i could help you, my hands are tied. oh no, wait, that was last night."}, {"x": "ok, barney, i'll tell you what i'm gonna do. you make this call and i will go with you to foxy boxing.", "y": "really? ted yeah."}, {"x": "i'm ready to be proven wrong.", "y": "tonight? ted tonight. dial."}, {"x": "actually.", "y": "oh come on."}, {"x": "whoa. there she goes.", "y": "apparently she was wearing brown shoes with little snowflakes on them."}, {"x": "i have no idea.", "y": "and here's the most amazing part. because i told her i converted all my money to india dollars, she gave me fifty bucks to take a cab to the airport. that's right, i just got paid for sex."}, {"x": "going. getting.", "y": "ted, oh my gosh, i love this moment. you know why? because i'm gonna say it and this time you're actually gonna say yes. you ready? you ready to say yes? ted, suit up!"}, {"x": "yes! no.", "y": "oh come on!"}, {"x": "good luck, dude. grab me a cupcake.", "y": "ted, you still with us?"}, {"x": "and to our dying day, we will remember everything about that night as perfect. maybe we both need that. so many things go wrong in life, but this is the one thing that never will. it'll always, always be pure, unadulterated awesome. if i walk in there, i'm robbing both of us of what could be...", "y": "the meter's running, dude. crap or get off the pot."}, {"x": "burn!", "y": "ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years, 11 months old."}, {"x": "well, looks like it's going to be just you and me.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "good, cause this thing's empty.", "y": "hundred dollars says when you turn around, i say \"wow.\""}, {"x": "barney, this is the third time you've hit on me by accident.", "y": "it's one of the many risks of the blind approach. it's usually a two-man operation where ted signals that the target is hot. but ted's too busy being in a lesbian relationship."}, {"x": "why don't you just check out the girl's reflection in the bar mirror?", "y": "you can't just... wow!"}, {"x": "hey? what's taking so long? i have to go.", "y": "not so fast, scherbotsky. i like the way you think. that mirror thing. simple. elegant. okay, limited-time offer i need a \"bro\" for my bro-ings on about town. how would you like to be said bro?"}, {"x": "okay, fine. i guess i'll actually floss.", "y": "you suited up!"}, {"x": "well, i figured if i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this right.", "y": "emilio? the woman will have..."}, {"x": "i'll have a johnny walker blue, neat, and a montecristo no. 2 thanks.", "y": "ah, the no. 2, a.k.a. \"the torpedo.\" or, as the rollers call it, \"piramide.\""}, {"x": "my father was a cigar fanatic, it was the only way to get his attention.", "y": "father issues. hot."}, {"x": "i know... i was this close to being a huge slut.", "y": "slut would have been better, but i'll settle for bro. especially now that ted's with victoria and can't drink. because he's pregnant. cause he's the girl."}, {"x": "oh, come on, ted can't be pregnant. you need to have sex to get pregnant.", "y": "what up! freeze frame high five!"}, {"x": "so. what do you and ted usually do after the cigar bar?", "y": "are you kidding? ted's never been here. you've already flown higher and faster than he ever did. still..."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "there is one other thing we could do. if you're up for it."}, {"x": "oh, i had no idea laser tag still existed!", "y": "yeah, well, enjoy it before it becomes cool again. i give it two months."}, {"x": "oh, i believe it... this is awesome!", "y": "okay, follow my lead, stay low, and never underestimate a 12-year-old with a... scherbotsky, you have to focus! you just saved my life, didn't you?"}, {"x": "oh, god. these brats have us completely surrounded. i counted nine, maybe ten. i'll lay down some cover fire, you make a run for it.", "y": "no. leave no man behind. either we all get out of here or no one does."}, {"x": "but i...", "y": "don't be a hero, scherbotsky."}, {"x": "see you on the other side.", "y": "damn. want to go get a soft pretzel?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "playing laser tag really takes me back. you know what game i really miss? battleship. i've never lost a game.", "y": "neither have i. of course i cheat."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, me, too. the trick is to bend the aircraft carrier so it makes an l.", "y": "ah. i always just stacked the ships on top of each other."}, {"x": "nice. you know, we should have a cheaters grudge match. i think i still have a... hello. target acquired. hottie by the jukebox.", "y": "ooh, good eye, scherbotsky. i got someone for you. two o'clock, blue shirt."}, {"x": "that's a woman.", "y": "oh, my mistake. or is it?"}, {"x": "let's just focus on your target.", "y": "right."}, {"x": "you always do.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "let's get out of here. let's go somewhere else."}, {"x": "what happened?", "y": "eh, you sometimes like to do a little catch and release."}, {"x": "but why?", "y": "leave no man behind. either we all score or no one scores."}, {"x": "right on. hey, you want to go play battleship?", "y": "hit!"}, {"x": "i love you, lily.", "y": "well, you make a good bro. you're a better ted than ted. hey, in fact, you have just earned yourself an invite to marshall's bachelor party. and you don't even have to come out of the cake."}, {"x": "thanks. and, um, thanks for sticking around tonight. i hope you're ready for some hard-core battleship. come on, boys.", "y": "hard-core? that's the only way i play."}, {"x": "i found it. are you ready to... what the hell are you doing?", "y": "i'm birthday suiting up.vi'm sorry, did you want to undress me?"}, {"x": "no! i thought we were just hanging out as friends.", "y": "oh, come on, you have been throwing yourself at me all night."}, {"x": "what?! i did the opposite! i threw some other girl at you.", "y": "you invited me up to your apartment to \"play battleship.\" is that not an internationally recognized term for sex?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "great. i hope you're happy. you sunk my battleship."}, {"x": "okay, you and me, that's insane. if you even thought about it for one second...", "y": "but i have thought about it for three seconds, and it makes a lot of sense. we both think the marriage commitment thing's a drag. we both want something casual and fun. and we clearly get along really well."}, {"x": "wow, that actually did make a lot of sense. but what about ted?", "y": "i checked with ted."}, {"x": "sure. good luck with that.", "y": "totally gave us his blessing."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "really."}, {"x": "so ted didn't care that you wanted to make a move on me?", "y": "didn't care at all. oh. oh..."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you like ted."}, {"x": "i didn't say i liked ted.", "y": "you like ted. wow. this is huge."}, {"x": "barney, i don't like ted. he's moved on, and i'm really happy for...", "y": "yeah, yeah. look, are we gonna play battleship or what?"}, {"x": "you're not gonna tell him, are you?", "y": "no. that's the bro code. a bro doesn't tell a mutual bro that a third bro has a crush on him. just like the third bro doesn't tell the mutual bro that the original bro went bare pickle in front of her. it's quid pro bro."}, {"x": "a-7.", "y": "miss."}, {"x": "okay, i want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. barney, i actually like victoria... a lot, so don't say anything embarrass... don't say anything. and guys, i haven't exactly told victoria that i used to have a kind of thing for robin, so we you could just avoid the...", "y": "well, well, well. how rich. you make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. excuse me.hi. leg warehouse? yeah, my friend ted needs something to stand on. so, nothing for him to stand on? okay, and thanks so much. ted, doesn't victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for robin? i have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return."}, {"x": "victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. you may advance to the gumdrop mountains.", "y": "so victoria, did you ever re-return to this guy?"}, {"x": "oh, barney, by the way, i went to a party in that new building on 82nd, and the host said she knew you. what is her name? sharon? shannon?", "y": "shannon?! shannon, shannon... no, don't remember any shannon."}, {"x": "really? well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give...", "y": "where's the tape?"}, {"x": "fine. i'll go get it.", "y": "cool, okay. you know, whenever."}, {"x": "oh, slut alert!", "y": "oh, great, there it is. thanks, lily. you're a peach. oh, wow, look at that. robin landed on the chocolate swamp. that's five chips for me."}, {"x": "barney, what was on that tape?", "y": "too bad you'll never find out."}, {"x": "oh, damn it! if only i'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse. oh, wait. that's exactly what i did.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "yeah, you were acting so weird about it, i gave you ted's graduation tape instead. so, should we pop it in?", "y": "give it to me, give it, give me..."}, {"x": "play the tape, play it, play it!", "y": "ted! fine, fine. you cannot play it. shannon! i love you! i love you so much. what about us changing the world together? don't tell me you've forgotten. i know i haven't. will i ever see another rainbow? will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? baby, please don't go there's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love there's a thief in the palace and she's..."}, {"x": "yeah, i left two messages. i checked the cigar club, the lusty leopard. he's off the grid.", "y": "hey, guys, what up?"}, {"x": "come on. stay!", "y": "i'm sorry. i don't want to talk about it. it was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing that ever happened to me."}, {"x": "well, we all have embarrassing stories. sometimes it's good to-to talk about it.", "y": "oh, really? then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, marshall? show me how good it is."}, {"x": "the kids still call him funny butt.", "y": "okay. i'll tell you my story. believe it or not, i was not always as awesome as i am today."}, {"x": "i love your singing, barney.", "y": "and i love you, shannon."}, {"x": "joining the peace corps with you is gonna be legendary.", "y": "i know. only five short weeks till we're down in nicaragua."}, {"x": "hey, nonfat latte to go.", "y": "mellow order, bro, mellow order."}, {"x": "dude, that your g-friend? all right, high five!", "y": "sorry, i only give high twos."}, {"x": "whatevs. as long as you're nailing that.", "y": "listen to you. that? you know, women aren't objects. they're human beings. and fyi, shannon and i have decided to wait till we're married. you can read about it in my zine."}, {"x": "hey, haircut, right here. open up your knowledge basket, 'cause here it comes. forget that touchy-feely crap. you get money, you get laid. end of discussion.", "y": "i feel sorry for you, man."}, {"x": "peace out, hombre.", "y": "suits. five weeks later, we were all set to leave for the peace corps. only problem was... she never showed up."}, {"x": "so, what happened next?", "y": "you know what? this was a mistake."}, {"x": "fine. i'll go next.", "y": "not the slipping-in-horse-poop story!"}, {"x": "wow, wow!", "y": "victoria, i deem your offering... worthy. my saga... continues."}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "sugar bear, where were you?"}, {"x": "oh, i'm sorry. my dad won't let me go.", "y": "but the nicaraguans need us!"}, {"x": "it's just, he's still supporting me, and... look, he's coming by soon to talk about it, but i think you should go on without me.", "y": "shannon, there is no..."}, {"x": "barney, it's your dream. it's only two years. i know we can make it.", "y": "as i walked away, i realized shannon was an adult. her father couldn't control her life. i had to go back and confront him. she was in the middle of a heated argument with her dad."}, {"x": "oh, my god. what happened next?", "y": "i don't know, guys."}, {"x": "barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us. we just earned a huge chunk of story.", "y": "right. so where was i? oh, yeah. shannon was sucking face with her dad."}, {"x": "barney, that's not my dad. his name's greg. i've been seeing him for a few weeks. i was hoping you'd just leave, and we could avoid all this.", "y": "we're breaking up? but what about the peace corps?"}, {"x": "yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. greg's older. he's successful. he buys me all this cool stuff.", "y": "but i love you."}, {"x": "but he has a boat. you should go to the peace corps and forget about me.", "y": "i didn't go. that night, i recorded my video and mailed it to shannon. i didn't see her until a week later. there's sugar in the basket. shannon! shannon, you came back!"}, {"x": "i'm just picking up my last paycheck.", "y": "oh. did you... did you get my tape?"}, {"x": "oh, she got the tape.", "y": "you? it was you?"}, {"x": "oh, you poor thing.", "y": "the story's not over. i did see shannon one more time."}, {"x": "you've got to tell us.", "y": "i don't know, i think i might need one last story to get me through it."}, {"x": "fine. um... oh! the green testicle story. so i was playing ultimate frisbee in college and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails...", "y": "oh, come on, ted! you know what story i want to hear. everyone else here has manned up tonight and told the truth. why can't you?"}, {"x": "and i drank... a lot. so you guys think i should have kissed her? well, i'll tell you what, i'm gonna go kiss her right... now.", "y": "yes! do it!"}, {"x": "yeah. it kind of is.", "y": "wow, ted, you were right. you shouldn't have told that story. but you did earn yourself the right to the end of mine. we fast-forward eight years into the future."}, {"x": "wait, eight years, that's, that's this year.", "y": "marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight."}, {"x": "barney?", "y": "hi, shannon."}, {"x": "what are you doing here?", "y": "just listen. when you left me for that guy greg, it changed me. now i'm this. i-i know this is crazy. it's just, you were once such a big part of my life. and it just seemed insane that you didn't know who i am now. so here i am. and then she told me about her life."}, {"x": "um, i think those need to stay in the oven a while longer. here's a professional tip. if it's still runny, it's not a cupcake. it's a beverage.", "y": "um, are you coloring in your butt?"}, {"x": "i have a big interview coming up, and my suit has holes in it. i can't sew, i don't own navy boxers, so, yeah, i'm coloring in my butt.", "y": "so wear another one."}, {"x": "i don't have another one. i'm flat broke. my only other suit options are track or birthday.", "y": "dude, you show up to an interview in that, even the hippie lawyers from granola mountain earth pals will hackey sack you straight out the door."}, {"x": "okay, it's the national resource defense council, and it's my dream job. except it's only an internship, and i won't be getting paid. mostly getting people coffee. but the people i'm getting coffee for... their bosses are going to save the world.", "y": "okay, tomorrow... oh, and i should mention this is going to rock your world-- tomorrow i'm taking you to my personal tailor."}, {"x": "a tailor? barney, i make negative $300 a week, and i need every negative penny of that for my wedding.", "y": "relax, my guy does everything for one third the cost. and there is no way you're getting married in that sarcastic-quotation-marks \"suit.\" tomorrow, noon, my tailor."}, {"x": "no thanks, dude. noon?", "y": "noon. see you then."}, {"x": "bye. hey, barney, i'm not sure about this. a tailor in the back room of a pet store?", "y": "look, do you want a quality suit and a free rabbit or not? ted, sergei says stop moping around. you're distracting him from his process."}, {"x": "no. no, no, no. no way. you know who likes long distance? girls. it's all talking and no sex. k*ll me now.", "y": "don't knock long-distance relationships. i really think they can work."}, {"x": "really? you?", "y": "absolutely. i'm juggling four right now. there's lisa in madrid, there's erica in tokyo, there's laura in denmark, and kelly on 34th street. the lass thinks i'm a humble sheep shearer from killarney."}, {"x": "look, she can't be a cat person. i'm a dog person, i'm attracted to other dog people.", "y": "are you sure?"}, {"x": "good to know. um, okay. good-bye. she's a cat person. i don't know this girl at all.", "y": "oh, excellent. we'll take this one."}, {"x": "whoa. hey, hey, it's my suit. shouldn't i be the one to choose?", "y": "here. play with this pin cushion."}, {"x": "god. i'm going to look hot.", "y": "marshall, i can't let you waste a suit this nice fighting a losing battle for our planet's survival. this is a suit for winners. i am getting you an interview at my office. we need good men like you in our legal department. we get sued a lot."}, {"x": "no way. the kid does not sell out.", "y": "oh, come on, dude! three months working with me, you'll make more than lily makes in a year."}, {"x": "yeah, but only, like, second base.", "y": "look at us two guys in suits. you feel that slight tingle? that's every girl in the bar wanting you, and every guy wanting to be you. actually, it's mostly me, but you're getting some of the splash."}, {"x": "hey, babe. dollar beer night, so i splurged and got us each our own.", "y": "so, have you thought more about coming to work for barney corp?"}, {"x": "oh, please... your company is not called barney corp.", "y": "yet. oh, i almost forgot. sergei sent me your bill."}, {"x": "b... barney, this says $4,000. i thought you said that it was one-third price.", "y": "yeah, must be a $12,000 suit. oh, well, guess you'll have to come work at my company."}, {"x": "you set this up! you set this whole thing up!", "y": "i most certainly did..."}, {"x": "what time is the interview?", "y": "900 a.m., and you'll need new shoes. don't worry, i know a guy."}, {"x": "god, that is so me at 15.", "y": "go for barney."}, {"x": "mr. stinson, this is willis from lobby security. sorry to bother you, but we've had reports of a sasquatch loose in the building.", "y": "a sasquatch?"}, {"x": "that's right, sir, a bigfoot. we don't want to alarm you, but he's been spotted on your floor.", "y": "yes! look at you. you suited in an unmistakably upward direction."}, {"x": "whoa. that is a butt-load of motivational posters.", "y": "yeah, hell, yeah. i got 'em all teamwork, courage, awesomeness..."}, {"x": "there's one for awesomeness?", "y": "yeah, i had it made. sit."}, {"x": "hey, so, now that i'm working here, are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is?", "y": "please."}, {"x": "my dawg!", "y": "hey, blauman, bilson, this is marshall. these guys are in legal. you're gonna be working with them."}, {"x": "where, i don't, i don't see...", "y": "marshall? sidebar. your tie is steak sauce. it means a-1. a-1? get it? try to keep up."}, {"x": "i quit.", "y": "what? no. we're having so much fun. you, me, working together. it's great."}, {"x": "we're not even working together, barney. i'm in the legal department and you're... seriously, what is it that you do?", "y": "please."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, dude, this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me.", "y": "oh, of course it's not for you. it's for lily."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "marshall. lily's a catch. but do you really think you're going to hang onto a girl that great without the package?"}, {"x": "the package?", "y": "the package. the house. the car. sending your kids to a great school. a vacation once in a while."}, {"x": "lily doesn't care about that stuff.", "y": "well, no-- now she doesn't, but how's she going to feel in a couple years, when she's supporting you on a kindergarten teacher's salary while you're off in court defending some... endangered... south american... flying beaver."}, {"x": "she'll be happy.", "y": "okay. but will you be happy knowing you could have made her a lot happier."}, {"x": "barney, how do i get these idiots to leave me alone?", "y": "marshall, consider the penguins."}, {"x": "the penguins?", "y": "on the wall."}, {"x": "\"conformity. it's the one who's different that gets left out in the cold.\" this is a motivational poster?", "y": "look at yourself, marshall. you're not happy. and you know why? because you're different. now, i suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake that you are, or... you could change your entire personality, which is just so much easier."}, {"x": "good boy.", "y": "okay, i'm psyched about this. but if i'm going to mentor you, i need to know you're psyched about this, too."}, {"x": "oh, i am. i'm, i'm psyched.", "y": "yeah, but it's one thing to say it, it's another thing to show it. show it."}, {"x": "i'm psyched!", "y": "what was that? marshall, i should feel tremors of psychitude rock my body like a seizure. that was like a declawed pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy sunday afternoon."}, {"x": "wow, that was really specific.", "y": "show me you're psyched! let's do this! ow! that hurt!"}, {"x": "so badly.", "y": "and then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake and he'll get it done."}, {"x": "right. get what done?", "y": "whatever."}, {"x": "cool. and what guy is this?", "y": "there's always a guy."}, {"x": "okay, all right, i, uh, i think i'm ready.", "y": "you sure? you want to practice your story one more time?"}, {"x": "so, barney, you gonna sing anything?", "y": "nah. i'm so over karaoke."}, {"x": "really? i thought you'd be totally into it.", "y": "oh, don't get me wrong. i'm good. the best, really. but it's the greatest samurai who lets his sword rust in its scabbard."}, {"x": "okay, let's have a big hand for robin the reporter. all right, our next guest is another friend...", "y": "so, robin, you ever report on train wrecks? 'cause i just saw one. what up? tiny five."}, {"x": "he has a job doing... what do you do?", "y": "please. kids, let's rap. you guys don't give half a brown crayola what i do for a living, do you?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "no. i know what you want. magic."}, {"x": "let me call you back. honey, there's a situation developing. do you remember the huge secret that you told me that you weren't supposed to but you did? the thing... about robin?", "y": "oh, you mean how robin's in love with ted?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "yeah, she told me already. go on."}, {"x": "wait. so i'm the only one that she didn't tell? she told you and not me?", "y": "well, i guess i'm just better friends with her than you are."}, {"x": "well, i'm better friends with ted than you are.", "y": "that is a lie!"}, {"x": "it is not a lie.", "y": "okay, that's it! you and me! i'm not afraid of you!"}, {"x": "okay, it's time for bed.", "y": "what? no. it's 230."}, {"x": "nothing good ever happens after 200 a.m.", "y": "you know, i have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 200 a.m. when i look back at the best stories of my life-- the liberty bell incident, the little scrape i got in at the russian embassy, the almost four-way."}, {"x": "you never had a four-way.", "y": "i said \"almost.\" all those things happened after 200 a.m. because after 200 a.m. is when things get-- audience, say it with me-- legendary."}, {"x": "we're going home.", "y": "what's that? interesting theory, barney, but i'll need some proof? okay. korean elvis. how would you like to have a drink with me and my friends?"}, {"x": "rock 'n' roll.", "y": "and it begins."}, {"x": "it's not ideal.", "y": "come on, lily. how many women can say they've been personally serenaded by korean elvis?"}, {"x": "barney, you tried, i think that's great, but we're going.", "y": "no! no, come on."}, {"x": "yes!", "y": "dude, we haen't hit legendary yet. we're only at the \"le\". we still got the \"gen.\" the \"da.\" the \"ry.\""}, {"x": "i'm sorry, it's just... god, i... i'm crazy about this girl. it feels like maybe... i don't want to say it.", "y": "trust that impulse, ted."}, {"x": "i'm going to miss victoria. i should just skip this thing entirely. robin's still pissed at me after... you know.", "y": "you lied and said you were broken up with victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night?"}, {"x": "you should definitely go. look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her.", "y": "or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. even better, triple thr*at-- hotter and bigger boobs."}, {"x": "that's only two.", "y": "count again."}, {"x": "barney, i'm not bringing a date. even if i wanted to, the thing's in two hours.", "y": "so get an escort."}, {"x": "by \"escort,\" you mean prost*tute?", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "because... gross?", "y": "oh, gross. what, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? dude, it's the world's oldest profession."}, {"x": "you really think that's true?", "y": "oh, yeah. i bet even cro-magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out."}, {"x": "aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. kaboom! you've been lawyered.", "y": "come on, ted, let's get you a hooker. it'll be fun."}, {"x": "okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have sex with?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "no! it's illegal. and did i mention gross?", "y": "that's adorable. ted, you're such a hayseed. the companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. you do realize that one out of every eight adult women in america is a prost*tute."}, {"x": "you just made that up.", "y": "withdrawn."}, {"x": "57 days.", "y": "is that your water? may i?"}, {"x": "yeah, go ahead.", "y": "much obliged. 57 days?! ted, you are in a slump."}, {"x": "no, it's not a slump. it's an intentional hiatus from girls. a slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate. but i'm off the roster, baby. i'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. and i'll tell you something, it feels pretty good.", "y": "yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? a naked dudes hanging brain. ted, you need a lady. and i've got the next best thing-- mary. she lives in my building. she's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool."}, {"x": "oh, she sounds great. and who knows? maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. you know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp.", "y": "you want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? that's racism. and i do not drink with racists. good day."}, {"x": "you're just waiting for me to speak, so you can...", "y": "i said good day!"}, {"x": "no, it's fine. look, in spite of whatever happened between us, robin and i are still friends. i don't think it'll be weird.", "y": "yeah, it won't be weird."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "because you're going to bring your own date."}, {"x": "hello, barney.", "y": "hi, mary. have you met ted?"}, {"x": "uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? barney.", "y": "see you in two shakes, mare. you two make yourselves comfortable."}, {"x": "what the hell?", "y": "dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow. so i got you a date for the evening."}, {"x": "you got me a hooker. a really hot hook-- a hooker!", "y": "think about it, this is perfect. a it will make robin insanely jealous... b you get to have sex with her... and c maybe by getting to know mary, you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. and d \"b\" all night long."}, {"x": "i'm not taking a prost*tute to robin's banquet.", "y": "the only people who will know are you, me and marshall. no one will suspect a thing. they'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... okay, that's a little bit suspicious. look, i'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight. but if you're not interested, fine, i'm out 500 bucks. whatever."}, {"x": "500 bucks?", "y": "ted, you're my cabron. you think i'm gonna stick you with some toothless tr*nny from the port authority? look at how hot she is. robin would be so jealous."}, {"x": "yeah, i can't believe you let her and lily go to the ladies' room together, man. secrets come out in there.", "y": "oh, please. how's it's going to come out? \"uh, pass me a towel. p.s., i have sex for money.\""}, {"x": "well, i teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time.", "y": "lily, quit your job. work at a private school. you won't have to deal with the school board, and you'll make a ton more money."}, {"x": "so, mary, what do you do for a living?", "y": "she's a paralegal."}, {"x": "yeah? maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.", "y": "room 1506. my treat. you kids go nuts. actually, don't use the mini-bar. do it. come on, ted, do it. this is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30."}, {"x": "sleep with a prost*tute?", "y": "no, lose your virginity. what up. statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship with a prost*tute are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships."}, {"x": "you just made that up.", "y": "withdrawn."}, {"x": "i put him in a cab.", "y": "so you and he aren't...?"}, {"x": "no!", "y": "okay, well, i guess now is as good a time as any. in keeping with tonight's award show motif, i'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending! vampire lou, would you do the honors?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that's all, vampire lou. nicely done."}, {"x": "so she's not...?", "y": "no. mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. oh-- ha-ha! and here's the best part-- she has no idea that ted thinks she's a hooker. oh, come on. if you don't laugh, it just seems mean."}, {"x": "wow. that was really awkward, lil. and still. it's still really awkward right now.", "y": "hey, what about me? what's my job? what do i get to do?"}, {"x": "okay, your job is very simple. at the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.", "y": "lil, you know i can't promise that."}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "guys! i just tasted an amazing caterer."}, {"x": "we already have a caterer.", "y": "oh, right. you're getting married. you see what i did there? took a..."}, {"x": "'cause it turns out we're not in high school.", "y": "no sweat, we'll just sneak in."}, {"x": "it's nine weeks till the wedding. at this point, i'd say yes to just about anything.", "y": "well..."}, {"x": "yeah. i never got to go to my prom. we always had field hockey nationals in the spring.", "y": "lesbian."}, {"x": "the cough is supposed to cover the \"lesbian.\"", "y": "no, i'm trying to start a thing where the cough is separate."}, {"x": "do you think we look young enough to blend in at a high school?", "y": "please, i'm ageless, scherbotsky just needs a good night's sleep, and you've got \"statutory\" written all over your body."}, {"x": "'cause, you know, you be a bad, bad man, and i be an outlaw.", "y": "wow. hey, thelma, louise, y'all don't drive off no cliffs now, ya hear? lame! but seriously, leave me a message, and we'll meet up later."}, {"x": "all right, what do you think?", "y": "horrible."}, {"x": "you're gonna make such a great dad.", "y": "you look so classy and nice. you're going to stick out like a sore thumb. have you seen how the kids are dressing these days, with the ashlee and the lindsay and the paris? they all dress like strippers. it's go ho or go home."}, {"x": "all right.", "y": "that's the spirit. now, ladies, slut up!"}, {"x": "no, baby. we're gonna be an umpire someday.", "y": "nice. you ladies look good, but your outfits are missing just one thing."}, {"x": "no, barney, this is as far as we're going to go. i'm not showing anymore...", "y": "two beautiful flowers for two beautiful flowers."}, {"x": "aw. sweet. thank you.", "y": "oh, robin, are you tearing up?"}, {"x": "and you're just finding a band?", "y": "hey, ho, hey!"}, {"x": "wow. \"ma'am?\" check and mate.", "y": "it's cool. time to activate plan b. scherbotsky, how comfortable are you with a crossbow? scherbotsky?"}, {"x": "oh, hey, wait. how's barney getting in?", "y": "don't worry about me. i'll get in. oh... i'll get in."}, {"x": "oh, hey. where's lily?", "y": "she's in the bathroom."}, {"x": "all right.", "y": "how did you guys get in here?"}, {"x": "we just snuck in the back.", "y": "you just snu... are you serious? i've been trying to get in here all night. i finally paid a janitor 200 bucks to let me borrow this mascot costume."}, {"x": "oh, geez, barney, don't do this.", "y": "i have to, it's my birthday present to ted."}, {"x": "oy, gevalt.", "y": "ah... happy birthday, ted."}, {"x": "whoo-hoo!", "y": "uh, excuse me, has anyone ever told y... oh, my god."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "oh! call an ambulance!"}, {"x": "what's going on?", "y": "try not to speak. here, sit down. just don't talk, don't talk."}, {"x": "is she okay?", "y": "i'm serious, call 911."}, {"x": "what's wrong? what's the matter?", "y": "shh! shh! just don't move. don't move. just try... here, have some water. water! here, drink this. shh! shh!"}, {"x": "and here come the paramedics.", "y": "oh, thank god, you're here."}, {"x": "what is going on?!", "y": "i think there might be some internal bleeding. probably some fractures. we got to get her to the hospital."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "you've had a terrible fall."}, {"x": "no, i haven't.", "y": "really? 'cause i could swear you fell straight out of heaven. angel... give him your number. what? give him your number. what?"}, {"x": "give him your number.", "y": "come on, guys, you're embarrassing me."}, {"x": "give him your number.", "y": "what are you...? come on. they're not going to stop 'til you give me your number."}, {"x": "all right!", "y": "it works!"}, {"x": "maybe she really does have a brain injury.", "y": "thank you, everyone. thank you, everyone. it's been fun. it's wendy the waitress. tip her well. thanks a lot, guys. troilus and cressida. neighborhood playhouse. check them out, they're good."}, {"x": "hey, barney, i had some questions about filling out these requisition forms.", "y": "binoculars. second pair on my desk."}, {"x": "i don't have time to be creepy, dude. i have a lot of work to do.", "y": "just take a look, will ya? okay, corner office. top floor. check out that guy. name's clark butterfield. he works over at nicholson, hewitt and west and every morning, he orders a sandwich from the deli downstairs."}, {"x": "so?", "y": "so guess what i did to that sandwich? here, i took a picture."}, {"x": "oh! sweet lord.", "y": "and now i'm e-mailing said picture to him."}, {"x": "ooh! duck! that is sick! why would you do that?", "y": "who knows? this feud goes so far back i can't remember who fired the first sh*t."}, {"x": "you?", "y": "totally. well, look, if you would just... help me fill out these forms, that would be great."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "butterfield is going to retaliate within the next four hours. that's been his pattern. this is w*r, eriksen. i need you to clear your schedule, call lily, tell her you'll be home late."}, {"x": "this is stupid.", "y": "stu... come on, man, i didn't recruit you to work here for your lawyering skills. i recruited you to be my executive mischief consultant."}, {"x": "this is a job for me, barney. it's a way to make some extra wedding money, and that's it. now i'm sorry, but i have work to do.", "y": "tracy, could you come in here, please? would you please inform mr. eriksen that i'm no longer speaking to him."}, {"x": "you wanted to see me, so i guess that means we're talking again?", "y": "will you taste this latte for me? i think they gave me decaf."}, {"x": "tastes normal to me.", "y": "that's what i thought, too. then i got this e-mail from butterfield."}, {"x": "oh, god!", "y": "it got me as well."}, {"x": "well, then why did you have me drink it?!", "y": "because now... you're in."}, {"x": "okay. don't think i'm overlooking the obvious fact that i should just be mad at you. but executive mischief consultant marshall eriksen reporting for duty. let's make that bastard pay. you think that we should brush our teeth first?", "y": "yeah, it's probably a good idea."}, {"x": "forgive you for what? lily. lily! hey, lily, this is ted, the guy you left stranded by the side of the road. i just wanted to say good luck with the interview, remember to pick up some milk... oh, and, when i get home, i'm going to k*ll you. and, also, i texted you the same thing. hey, i need a big favor.", "y": "anything, bro."}, {"x": "i need you to come up to duchess county and pick me up.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "it's kind of an emergency.", "y": "what are you doing in duchess county?"}, {"x": "apple picking. can you just get up here?", "y": "i wish i could help, buddy, but i'm stuck here at work. we're kind of swamped."}, {"x": "is that ted?", "y": "yeah. he's stuck in duchess county."}, {"x": "yep. gotcha! classic! gotta go.", "y": "hey, check out this one. it actually looks like butterfield."}, {"x": "you know, over at the nrdc, it's a bunch of really committed people who take their job of saving the earth very, very seriously. which is great, and everything, but i can't imagine having this much fun over there.", "y": "you thinking about coming to work here full-time?"}, {"x": "taking off for the night.", "y": "thanks, tracy."}, {"x": "are you guys planning on punching some holes in that box?", "y": "of course we are. were you going to think of that?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "that would have been bad."}, {"x": "so... what do you think?", "y": "robin again? ted, the universe clearly does not want you and robin to be together. don't piss off the universe. the universe will slap you."}, {"x": "look, i realize we've been down this road before, but the fact is, whatever i do, it all keeps coming back to robin, so... i gotta do this. ow! what the hell?", "y": "that wasn't me. that was the universe."}, {"x": "i am going to make her... a mix cd. no, i'm kidding. i got a plan. lily, i'm going to need the spare key to robin's apartment.", "y": "i see where this is going. ted, waiting naked in a girl's bed wearing whipped cream undies does not work... usually. the setting-- martha's vineyard, 1999. the characters yours truly and a raven-haired au pair by the name..."}, {"x": "i was never going to take it.", "y": "ted, she is going on that camping trip. dude, barring some act of god, robin's gonna be with sandy this weekend."}, {"x": "fine. if an act of god is what it takes, then an act of god it is.", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "i'm gonna make it rain. i can't let robin go camping with this guy. so how do i keep that from happening? simple... i make it rain!", "y": "ted, do you want me to slap you again? 'cause i kind of enjoyed it the first time."}, {"x": "look, i-i might be crazy right now... no, you know what? i am definitely crazy right now, but i have a plan. that girl you used to go out with, penelope, wasn't she getting her phd in native american culture?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "are you still in touch with her?", "y": "sure. i mean, even though we stopped having sex, we still get together, like, once a month to chat and catch up, and of course i'm not in touch with her!"}, {"x": "well, you're gonna need to get in touch with her. she's gonna teach me how to do a rain dance.", "y": "did you just say a \"rain dance\"?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "a rain dance."}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "a dance to make it rain."}, {"x": "yes. we're finding penelope!", "y": "no, we are not!"}, {"x": "yes, we are!", "y": "ted, you're forcing me to be the voice of reason, and it's not a good look for me!"}, {"x": "why the hell should i help you?", "y": "come on, i know it didn't work out between us, but we did... have a relationship."}, {"x": "we had sex twice in your car, and then you dumped me. how is that a relationship?", "y": "twice!"}, {"x": "barney, there is no way...", "y": "shh!"}, {"x": "kind of.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "you hit on my mom!", "y": "we weren't exclusive!"}, {"x": "okay. crouch down and bend over a little bit.", "y": "wow, it took five sh*ts of tequila to get you in that position."}, {"x": "i will throw you off this roof.", "y": "there's so much of your mom in you."}, {"x": "happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy birthday, happy, happy, happy, happy, appy, happy birthday, happy, happy...", "y": "ted, this is funny. still funny. still fu... and now it's sad."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "hey, ted. whatcha doing?"}, {"x": "a rain dance.", "y": "dude, that's not a rain dance, that's a fat kid with a bee in his pants."}, {"x": "look, i highly doubt the great spirit is a stickler for choreography. it's the thought that counts. she's leaving in half an hour.", "y": "these are your awesome years. you're wasting them on this girl. this isn't gonna work!"}, {"x": "yeah. i know that.", "y": "well, then why are you doing this?"}, {"x": "because i love her. i love her! i told her that the first night we went out, and here it is, eight months later, and nothing's changed. so yes, i know this isn't gonna work. but it has to work! you hear me, universe? this is ted mosby talking! give me some rain! come on! come on! come on...!", "y": "oh, come on!"}, {"x": "well, she left. and i don't even know if she's coming back.", "y": "i didn't get your message until i woke up. bro, i am so sorry."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "i know it must be tough. but are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better but will actively excite you?"}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "for the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. i've dreamed about this day boys and it's going to be legendary! together, we will own this city. any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge-drinking, we will be there. any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out, shouting \"what's up new york?\" we will be what is up new york! gentlemen, we are about to embark on.... oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!"}, {"x": "fine. than i'll just have the leftover", "y": "so he stays home all the time not getting laid? no, see, that's what you do when you have a fianc\u00e9e. he should be down here celebrating. he's free. he got that red-head-tumor removed."}, {"x": "you should write and illustrate children's books.", "y": "you know what marshall needs to do? he needs to stop being sad. when i get sad, i stop being sad and be awesome instead. true story."}, {"x": "this has to stop! ted, we just started dating. we agreed we don't wanna move too fast and yet somehow we have a baby. he can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night...", "y": "have you tried breast-feeding? nailed it!"}, {"x": "it is time for some tough love. we need to get him out of that apartment. he needs fresh air. he needs sunshine.", "y": "mmm. sunshine."}, {"x": "barney, i really don't think this is gonna help.", "y": "do you know why you're not over lily yet? it's 'cause you can still picture her naked. you can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. it's a scientific fact. the average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or bpegs and your hard drive's filled to capacity with lily's."}, {"x": "there are a lot of them.", "y": "they won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. two at the time. those count as four."}, {"x": "see, this is the problem with guys, you don't know how to deal with heartbreak.", "y": "so what's your prescription, dr oestrogen? eat h\u00e4agen-dazs and watch love actually until your periods sync up?"}, {"x": "because, robin, they are like fuzzy tube-shaped rats.", "y": "those charges are from a month ago."}, {"x": "exactly!", "y": "for new charges, you have to go to her online account. you can see credit card activity from like two hours ago. but... you know... don't...."}, {"x": "why do you talk? why do you talk?", "y": "he needs her password. its not like he has her password. ooh, he has her password. this is... he has her password."}, {"x": "no! you're not calling her. this changes nothing. you, come here.. while we're away this weekend can you keep an eye on him? make sure he doesn't call her hotel.", "y": "you want me to baby-sit him? 20 bucks. an hour. and money for pizza."}, {"x": "um yeah. how about you do it for free or every time we hang out you have to watch this. come here my little baby.", "y": "ok, i'll do it! stop being a couple."}, {"x": "hello?! a guy answered. there is... there is a guy in her room. i'm going down there.", "y": "no!"}, {"x": "because you're pathetic! i'm sorry. but right now, you are not marshall. you are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a sh*t in hell with a girl like lily. you know who might have a sh*t somewhere down the line? marshall. the real marshall. but if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. of course, whatever i say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend, good luck screwing up your life. come on, robin... is it still ok if we borrow the car?", "y": "bold. bold to go for the car."}, {"x": "i'm gonna call barney, see how they're doing.", "y": "barney."}, {"x": "uh, hey. where are you guys?", "y": "we're at a fundraiser helping young women raise money for college."}, {"x": "strip-club. nice. is marshall ok?", "y": "yeah, he's here and he's great. hang on. marshall, tell ted... uh-oh."}, {"x": "what? what uh-oh?", "y": "he's gone."}, {"x": "you lost him? i can't believe it! he's gonna go down to that hotel.", "y": "crap, you're right. ok, here is the plan. here is the plan. you go down to the hotel and find him. i'll stay here and get a lap dance. bye ted!"}, {"x": "see ya.", "y": "you just checked out robin's ass."}, {"x": "what? no. i... barney, i was...", "y": "dude, that's awesome! you're finally forgetting about that short redhead."}, {"x": "lily.", "y": "yes, lily, thank you. that was gonna drive me crazy all night. hey, ted! marshall's just checked out your girlfriend's ass."}, {"x": "awesome! you're finally getting better.", "y": "this is the moment i've been waiting for. starting tonight, i'm gonna teach you how to live. ted, you're out of chance, marshall's in."}, {"x": "oh, god!", "y": "marshall, being a single guy in new york city is like... pfff... what does everybody like?"}, {"x": "candy.", "y": "yeah! it's like being in a candy store. you just walk right in and grab yourself some whoppers. yeah. is whoppers the best ones?"}, {"x": "mounds.", "y": "milk duds."}, {"x": "gobstoppers.", "y": "um..."}, {"x": "dubble bubbles.", "y": "nice! marshall, we're doing this. i am not taking no for an answer."}, {"x": "thank you!", "y": "hi. have you met marshall?"}, {"x": "hi. look how sweaty my hands are! it's weird, right? uh, sweat. like this... smelly water coming out of your skin. it was nice meeting you.", "y": "i-i-i hate to interrupt but, uh... do you like magic?"}, {"x": "umm... i guess.. oh my god! anyway, marshall here is awesome. salad in a bag? his idea!", "y": "dude, you were awesome last night. you were charming, you were funny. you were totally working that girl."}, {"x": "you went home with her!", "y": "yes, i did. but she told me that if it wasn't for me you would've had a sh*t with her. so in hypothetical terms, you scored last night! all right! hypothetical high five! nice! tonight, we're gonna go to the bar..."}, {"x": "barney, no, i'm not going out with you ever again.", "y": "come on! i'll teach you all my strategies!"}, {"x": "oh, really?", "y": "my favorite, number seven. create a mystery about yourself. that way, they become so intrigued that they have to hang out with you all night."}, {"x": "oh, come on. does that really work?", "y": "maybe it does and maybe it doesn't."}, {"x": "well, it happens. i've fallen out of love faster than that before. sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. one day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. but we're great! honey?", "y": "let's review barney's rules for mating without dating. lesson two corollary five."}, {"x": "make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive and she'll be putty in your hands.", "y": "excellent. have you chosen your entr\u00e9e?"}, {"x": "i have. a sweet brunette, eight o'clock. nine o'clock. ten; thirty. she's walking to the bar.", "y": "her? really? no, you're right. ambition is the enemy of success. ok, hit it."}, {"x": "hi marshall. amy. don't worry, i've been there. hold on.", "y": "nice recovery. i think it's working."}, {"x": "hey barney, nice to meet you.", "y": "hi. amy, do you like... magic?"}, {"x": "i hate you.", "y": "i am so sorry. it's a sickness. i'm the real victim here."}, {"x": "twice! twice in a row you took my candy! that was my candy!", "y": "i know but tonight..."}, {"x": "no, forget it. you're such a jackass!", "y": "i though you were gonna call me a jerk. all right, i'm sorry. but i will make it up to you. tonight, we'll go to a college bar near nyu. the scorpion & the toad. i figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly. and, as a third-year law student, more smarter."}, {"x": "ok, but no magic.. how did you do that?", "y": "i'm taking a leak, dumb-ass."}, {"x": "tequila. it's her weakness. three sh*ts, she tells you the truth about anything.", "y": "marshall eriksen, suit up!"}, {"x": "no way.", "y": "yeah you're good in that. let's go."}, {"x": "wait. empty your pockets. come on.", "y": "come on..."}, {"x": "sleeves.", "y": "there is nothing in my sl..."}, {"x": "oh is that right?", "y": "huh? huh? let's go."}, {"x": "behind my ear.", "y": "oh there is nothing behind your... ohh!"}, {"x": "great. nice.", "y": "hi, i'm barney."}, {"x": "oh, no.", "y": "do you mind giving my friend your phone number?"}, {"x": "whoo! i did it! i got a girl's phone number! oh, and her handwriting is so cute. look. i'll take her out for chinese food and then we'll walk through the park. it'll be so... what?", "y": "sorry buddy, i'm taking this one too."}, {"x": "gimme the card! i swear i'm gonna...", "y": "i'm not giving you..."}, {"x": "the apartment is a metaphor for marshall!", "y": "stop it!"}, {"x": "you don't want to see me when i'm angry!", "y": "stop! if we can't settle this like gentlemen, then no one gets the number.."}, {"x": "stop the cab!", "y": "no, wait. come on. wait. marshall! 81st and 1st please.. oh, she does have a cute handwriting."}, {"x": "this guy like pennies!", "y": "hi marshall."}, {"x": "no, go away, i don't want to talk to you.", "y": "ok. i know what i did a couple nights back was is in a moral grey area. but the great news is she loved you. if things had gone your way, you'd gone out a couple time, i think she definitely would've had sex with you."}, {"x": "there is no \"would\" in sex. there totally is. i'm just no good at this barney! i'm good at being in a couple. i'm good at being lily's boyfriend. being single, forget it.", "y": "you can't give up now. what if i told you that you could relive that night with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes, only this time you get her and i don't."}, {"x": "that's not possible.", "y": "oh, but it is. she has... wait for it. here it comes. almost there...an identical twin. yes!"}, {"x": "a twin isn't the same person.", "y": "of course, it is. what do you think \"identical\" means? \"ident-\" - same. \"-ical\" - person. same person. hey, we could double date."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "ah!"}, {"x": "but you have to promise me you're not gonna steal my new twin and leave me with your old, used-up twin.", "y": "used-up? they're a human being marshall."}, {"x": "great. amazing. this is so much fun. me and the girl are really cliking.", "y": "you are. you definitely are. listen, you're gonna have to leave now. i just talked with the twins and, get this, i'm going home with both of them! yeah. that's happening."}, {"x": "it is impossible that you're doing this to me again.", "y": "but they're twins."}, {"x": "you said to me that being single would be like being in a candy store.", "y": "well, it's not like a candy store. it's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland. i may be your best friend..."}, {"x": "ted's my best friend.", "y": "...but in this world it's every hombre for himself. that's what being single is. and after nine years of captivity, that is the single greatest lesson i can teach you about surviving in the wild. now, if you'll excuse me, i have two unique breasts an two duplicates waiting for me.. oh bad news. marshall got food poisoning."}, {"x": "that's so bad. i really liked him.", "y": "yeah. i guess we're just a threesome tonight."}, {"x": "i'm going to k*ll him.", "y": "i can't say i blame you."}, {"x": "lily is evil! she just wore that dress to t*rture me. well, you know what? two can play at that game. see, at brunch, i'm going to t*rture lily right back. yeah. there's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for, too.", "y": "dude, you can't whip that out at brunch."}, {"x": "no, not that. i'm going to unleash my calves.", "y": "that's crazy. nobody's turned on by men's calves. they're a thoroughly unerotic body part."}, {"x": "well, yeah, i'd say that, too, if i had those skinny little chicken legs.", "y": "i'll be waiting by the phone for your apology."}, {"x": "i'm going to k*ll him.", "y": "i can't say i blame you."}, {"x": "barney, what are you doing here?", "y": "uh... i'm here to meet your parents. they must be dying to meet me after all the legendary barney stories you've told them."}, {"x": "i haven't told them any legendary barney stories.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "barney, here is a list of all the things i talk with my dad about baseball.", "y": "but i'm your best friend."}, {"x": "well, actually marshall's my...", "y": "i'm the most important person in your life."}, {"x": "well, robin's actually...", "y": "how could your parents not know about me? i'm delightful."}, {"x": "to us, sure, in very small, infrequent doses. i mean, come on, you're not exactly the kind of friend parents want their kid to have.", "y": "oh, really? then i guess those shoes aren't the thing you're most wrong about today."}, {"x": "i know you've all been excited to meet...", "y": "barney stinson. an honor to meet the two of you. that needlepoint \"bless this mess\" pillow you made for ted - what a stitch. stitch! did that just happen?"}, {"x": "that's funny, i didn't even \"look\" in the mirror today. that's not anything, is it? so, i made a reservation at san marino tonight for 800.", "y": "san marino! oh, you're serious? yikes. no. we have to try casa a pezzi. best salmon risotto i have ever had."}, {"x": "i love salmon risotto.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "how are we supposed to get a table at casa a pezzi? they're booked for weeks.", "y": "well, lucky for you, i happen to know the head waitress, which is ironic because..."}, {"x": "stop it! don't, don't!", "y": "ironic because we both work at a homeless shelter where i serve the food. where do you volunteer, robin?"}, {"x": "what's the matter with you? i'm his girlfriend, and i'm not even trying that hard. way to wreck the curve, kiss-ass.", "y": "robin, i'm his best friend. that's a commitment. girlfriend? that's like a bad flu. out of your system after a couple weeks in bed. high five!"}, {"x": "can i help?", "y": "yes, you can, virginia. there's a story behind that broach, and i'm going to hear it."}, {"x": "that is my all-time favorite sonata.barney, you are just delightful.", "y": "no, virginia, you're delightful, i am deligh-ted. and he's just ted. i'm really not planning these things; they just keep happening."}, {"x": "all right, that's it, i'm out of here. in a minute.", "y": "anyone up for a drink at maclaren's?"}, {"x": "i'd join you, too, but i want to get up early for mass tomorrow.", "y": "st. peter's, 845 a.m., it's my favorite service."}, {"x": "wait a minute. you're able to cross the threshold of a church?", "y": "i'll save you a seat."}, {"x": "robin.", "y": "susan, her name is virginia."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "last night, we go to maclaren's for a drink, right?"}, {"x": "wow. you're like a hero.", "y": "oh, i'm no hero, wendy. you know who is a hero? my dalmatian, smokey. he... didn't... make it out. i'm sorry."}, {"x": "why don't you give the guy a hug?", "y": "i'm... oh.."}, {"x": "my dad was your wingman? this is really messing with my head. barney, is... is my dad cool?", "y": "i'm not done. so, your dad stays to finish his drink, but i take off because i have to be up early for mass with your mom."}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "anyway, i realize that i left my phone on the bar, so i come back..."}, {"x": "oh, my god! is that really...? oh, my god!", "y": "i know. can you believe your dad rack-jacked me like that?"}, {"x": "my dad made out with wendy the waitress? he cheated on my mom? no, that's impossible.", "y": "ted, it's a well-known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side."}, {"x": "do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use \"83%\"?", "y": "you think i'm lying. well, have you done any surveys on the subject? because the good people at www.swingers.open-marriage-is-natural-l ... lygamy.org have, and they beg to differ."}, {"x": "that's not a real web site.", "y": "oh, and i suppose i didn't get a real t-shirt for running in their 10k."}, {"x": "i wanted to confront him, but i couldn't. i guess i got the let's-not-talk-about-anything-uncomfortable gene", "y": "well, you didn't get your dad's close-the-deal gene, that's for sure."}, {"x": "good. focus on your job now, because your career clock is ticking. there's time for marriage and kids and all that other stuff later.", "y": "ooh, a piano!"}, {"x": "wow, so it's the whole package.", "y": "yeah, you did."}, {"x": "had to.", "y": "oh, dude, if they're selling condos, you got to get me in. and don't give me the shaft."}, {"x": "yeah, you did.", "y": "had to."}, {"x": "then at the end of the movie when he has a catch with his dad, like... like he never did when he was young enough for it to matter.", "y": "can we talk about something else?"}, {"x": "you know what, dude? forget about robin, okay? you're hanging with us tonight. i've got an awome party lined up.", "y": "oh, god! this gonna be another one of your weird all-guy parties?"}, {"x": "that was a poker game. what is wrong with you? no, it's the first law school party of the year and it's gonna be awesome. i haven't seen this guys since, like, last year before lily and i broke up. so i'm gonna have to break the news to everybody. it's really gonna bum them out. this party's gonna suck.", "y": "well, love to join you at that one. but i got tickets to foxy boxing."}, {"x": "robin thinks so.", "y": "dude, lots of chicks think architects are hot. think about it, you create something out of nothing. you're like god. there's nobody hotter than god."}, {"x": "i love it when you quote scripture.", "y": "i'm telling you, you should use the architect angle with the ladies."}, {"x": "okay, first of all, i have a girlfriend. second, the architect angle doesn't even work on her. and, third, i can't imagine that working on anyone ever.", "y": "that's 'cause you're always like... \"ted mosby, architect\". if it were me, i'd be like... \"ted mosby, architect\". anything sounds impressive when it's said with the right attitude."}, {"x": "marshall ericksen. recently dumped and heading to a lame party. whoa. whoa, ladies, please take it easy. there's enough of me for everyone. oh. hi. hello. all right. we're gonna take off..", "y": "wait up, i'll leave with you guys. \"ted mosby, architect\". trust me."}, {"x": "what do you think you're...? barney?", "y": "thank god you're here. can you help with this? i need nails."}, {"x": "okay, i'm totally lost here. where's ted?", "y": "ted? he's at work."}, {"x": "how did you get here?", "y": "awesome story. as per usual."}, {"x": "yes, she did.", "y": "sorry, i forgot my binocs for foxy boxing. whoo, looks like things just got a little foxier right here."}, {"x": "don't go. we don't even know your name to look out for your buildings.", "y": "yeah, stay"}, {"x": "excuse us for one second. okay, you were right - the architect thing totally works. but i've got a girlfriend and i've got to get back to work. this project is getting harder and harder.", "y": "yeah, you did."}, {"x": "yeah, had to. see ya.", "y": "sorry, my, uh... intern had to leave."}, {"x": "oh, well, that's too bad. i'm anna, by the way.", "y": "ted mosby... architect."}, {"x": "dude, dude, what are you doing?", "y": "galloping."}, {"x": "aren't you afraid a certain somebody might find out about this? i mean, this isn't you, ted.", "y": "it is tonight."}, {"x": "what about your place, barney? i know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.", "y": "the fortress of barnitude? no way."}, {"x": "come on. she's desperate.", "y": "hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women i bring home, but... pass."}, {"x": "i'm sorry,but you know i'd only come here if i had no other choice. but earlier today, i was getting ready to go to sleep and...", "y": "that's terrible. well, see ya."}, {"x": "wait, can i stay here maybe?", "y": "i'd let you, but i don't have any room."}, {"x": "you live in a two-bedroom apartment. you have one room just for your suits.", "y": "hey i'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family. look around you lily. you are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. now,you can try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. 14 if you qualify for multiple entry."}, {"x": "ewww!...is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but i say give me multiple high fives.", "y": "wow, you really are desperate."}, {"x": "i really am.", "y": "oh okay, you can stay here for two days. but i only have one rule. you can't change anything."}, {"x": "why would i change anything? this place is... perfect. except for the fact that you don't have a tv.", "y": "see that wall? 300-inch flat-screen. they only sell them in japan, but i know a guy. had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' king kong."}, {"x": "it hurts my eyes.", "y": "yeah. that doesn't go away."}, {"x": "i don't care what either of you say, i am going to the popover pantry with brad. we're here. we're hungry. get used to it, brunch.", "y": "uhm, smells delicious."}, {"x": "thank you. there was no food in the fridge, so i picked up... what are you doing?", "y": "lily, what was the first rule again?"}, {"x": "\"don't change anything\"?", "y": "and what was the second rule?"}, {"x": "there was no second rule.", "y": "exactly! there was only one rule and you broke it."}, {"x": "i bought groceries. that counts as changing something?", "y": "lily, if i wanted a fridge full of groceries or fresh coffee in the morning, i'd be in a relationship. but i don't want to be in a relationship. that's why i make it crystal-clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. this is not a place to leave a contact lens case. this is a place to leave. come on, 'll give you a tour. uh, no flash photography please. bienvenido to the bedroom. dig this king-sized bed, full-sized blanket, one pillow. everything about this bed says \"our work here is done.\" next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. what, only one towel? what, no hairdryer? you know where i keep that stuff? your place. b*at it. and the coup de gr\u00e2ce... yeah, that's right. patent-pending. and wilkommen to the hallway. while guys like ted and marshall may hide their p*rn..."}, {"x": "marshall doesn't have p*rn.", "y": "aww, that's sweet. while guys like ted and marshall may hide their p*rn, i had mine professionally lit. girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough."}, {"x": "and if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-sized storm-trooper.", "y": "no,that's just awesome. so you see, whenever a girl wakes up here, i never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. my apartment does it for me."}, {"x": "yeah!", "y": "hey. did the cold wake you?"}, {"x": "no,i've just been watching you sleep.", "y": "oh,did you try and take a shower? i'm sorry, i only have one clean towel."}, {"x": "i don't buy into the myth that we need to shower every day.", "y": "okay. i'd offer you some coffee, but i don't have any, so you're gonna have to..."}, {"x": "i'm boycotting coffee. you may as well drink the tears of a colombian peasant farmer. god, i love this place. good thing i don't have a job because i could stay here all day.", "y": "i think i left something on the bookshelf. whoops. oh, no, oh, look oh, i'm disgusting."}, {"x": "wow, you're open about your sexuality and that's one of the reasons i love you. did i just say that? oh well. cat's out of the bag. i love you.", "y": "whoa, uh, okay. beep beep. backing up, um..."}, {"x": "oh my god! are you married? is this your wife?", "y": "what? no. yes!"}, {"x": "yes?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "you son of a bitch! i can't believe i let you enter my sacred temple.", "y": "come on, baby. please, no. you don't understand. what have i done? this is the worst. how could you...? you're not going anywhere. live claritin clear. wow, that was close. that hippie chick wouldn't leave. she was ready to squat here."}, {"x": "well, she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?", "y": "she was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment... except you. you're better than p*rn."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "how would you like to extend your stay here? all you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife, and scare off the occasional one-night stand. i know,i know. you've got your ethics. you've got your principles..."}, {"x": "i'll do it.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "barney,you've clearly got some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. but, in my other apartment, i would be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.", "y": "i'll take it."}, {"x": "i was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin... oh, you know what? shut up.", "y": "can you pass the arts and leisure? can you pass the arts and leisure?"}, {"x": "honey, i'm... barney, what the hell is going on here?", "y": "lily, i can explain..."}, {"x": "just get out. this is what i get after i worked as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school? i got breast implants for you. i... i was just about to turn on the tears.", "y": "brava. that was incredible. and that slap was genius. you did not hold back."}, {"x": "yeah, that i just always wanted to do.", "y": "fair enough. i have to say, it's kind of nice having food around here for a change."}, {"x": "you know... oh nah, never mind.", "y": "what? you're my wife. you can tell me anything."}, {"x": "well,if you really wanted to sell this ruse, we should try to make this place a little more... you know, homey. like... like a woman would actually live here.", "y": "what did you have in mind?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry.", "y": "oh, hi, lily. we were just in the neighborhood, thought we'd get some lunch. we didn't even know you'd be here.."}, {"x": "aloha, island visitors. the big wave brought you to our humble luau. for that, we thank you. or in my native tongue, mahalo.", "y": "i didn't catch your name. did you guys catch her name?"}, {"x": "yeah, well, it was supposed to be, but my professor's like the toughest grader i've ever seen. she had like a bad divorce this summer and now she's taking it out on us. to tell you the truth, i think she just needs to get laid.", "y": "really? laid, you say?"}, {"x": "you wouldn't be into her.she's, like, in her late 40s.", "y": "she hot?"}, {"x": "yeah, i guess she's kind of hot, yeah.", "y": "and she's looking for some action. sounds to me like she could be a cougar."}, {"x": "a what?", "y": "a cougar. an older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single and on the prowl for a younger man."}, {"x": "what's a woman in her 60s or 70s? a turtle?", "y": "marshall, i've thought it over and i accept your challenge."}, {"x": "i didn't challenge you to have sex with...", "y": "tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins."}, {"x": "it was an whole chicken. and did i mention she had 12 sides?", "y": "oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. real classy, ted."}, {"x": "okay, wait, wait, wait. that's professor lewis's office there.", "y": "okay, let's take a look. oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. a prime specimen. see, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. start with the hair. the cougar keeps up with current hairstyles as a form of camouflage. the prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar until he's already being dragged, helpless, back to her lair. now, the blouse. the cougar displays maximum cleavage possible to captivate her prey. if you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. see the claws? long and sharp, to ward off rival females... or open alimony checks. yeah, this one's a beaut. okay, let the hunt begin."}, {"x": "wait, wait, wait.i'm not so sure i'm comfortable with you hunting my constitutional law professor.", "y": "who do you rather have grading your papers a savage, man-eating jungle cat, or a purring, satisfied kitty?"}, {"x": "go, barney. go mount and stuff that cougar.", "y": "scusi, i am luigi, italian exchange student. i was, uh, walking to class, but then i noticed you... bella principessa..."}, {"x": "tell me what you want or get out.", "y": "direct. i like that. the name's barney. what i want... is you."}, {"x": "are you kidding? he's hammond druthers. he's a legend. i'm just part of his team. this building is huge for the firm, so it's really important we don't blow it. all right, enough!", "y": "oh, my god. incredible."}, {"x": "hmm... c minus.", "y": "c minus? what are you talking about? i just pulled an all-nighter!"}, {"x": "i'd ask you how last night went, but we had a pop quiz today. nobody got higher than a c-minus.", "y": "i know, i know."}, {"x": "you claim to have so much sex. i only assumed you'd be good at it.", "y": "look, i miscalculated. i thought she'd be old and fragile, like most cougars. but kitty's got claws. don't worry though. tonight, i'm seeing her again."}, {"x": "just let it go, man. you're making things worse.", "y": "i promise you, after tonight, that cougar will be my pet, and i its master."}, {"x": "oh, god. that wasn't your first time, was it? although that would explain a lot.", "y": "what? no.we had sex yesterday."}, {"x": "dude, you're k*lling me. you didn't tame the cougar. you just made her angrier.", "y": "do you not see the powerbar in my hand? i'm fueling up."}, {"x": "so you're going back over there?", "y": "oh, yeah. and tonight, just like john mellencamp, i am going to get rid of the \"cougar\" once and for all. get it? 'cause that's what he did with his name."}, {"x": "barney, i teach all day. it's the last thing i want to do when i get home.", "y": "but you don't understand. see, i've been going easy on you, holding back, 'cause i was afraid you'd break a hip or something. but, this time, no mercy.i don't care how long it takes days, weeks, half a year."}, {"x": "yup.", "y": "hanging out at a coffee place is not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar."}, {"x": "that cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name. somebody has a crush on you.", "y": "somebody thinks you're me."}, {"x": "mine says \"ted,\" no heart.", "y": "mine says... \"swarley.\" how'd they get \"swarley\" from \"barney\"? it's not even a name. who would ever be called \"swarley\"? oh, please don't start calling me \"swarley.\" this would never happen at a bar!"}, {"x": "hey, dude, by the way, i really like that suit. tell me about the fabric. is it foreign or something?", "y": "wow. it is foreign. i'm impressed, ted. it's moroccan, actually."}, {"x": "i got a call for swarley. is there a swarley here?", "y": "you weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?"}, {"x": "geez, can't you hear him, swarley? there's a call for you.", "y": "stop calling me that."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "it's right back there. right? right? she's hot! and she likes me? she likes italian food. i also like italian food. she likes billy joel. i also like... music. and i think we're going to go out again.", "y": "dude, you gotta ditch her."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "she's got the crazy eyes."}, {"x": "what are you guys talking about, the crazy eyes?", "y": "it's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi."}, {"x": "no. just pupils.", "y": "it's an indicator of future mental instability."}, {"x": "you just can't see it because you're afflicted with \"haven't been laid in a while\" blindness.", "y": "she was too far away in the coffee place, but when i saw her up close just now..."}, {"x": "hi.", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "guys, i'm not going to stop dating chloe just because you think she has the crazy eyes.", "y": "you can keep going out with her, but you're gonna regret it. one time, i met a girl at this very bar. i saw that she had the crazy eyes... but i ignored it. and then, sure enough."}, {"x": "barney, can i ask you a question?", "y": "anything."}, {"x": "would you like to have a threesome?", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "so, did you do it?", "y": "no. it ended up being just a twosome with the third one watching from a chair."}, {"x": "which one were you?", "y": "i'd rather not say."}, {"x": "so, she's needy crazy. that's one of the worst kinds.", "y": "i've had one of those. makes up stories to get attention. went out with her for three weeks, her dad d*ed twice."}, {"x": "guys, she was really freaked out, okay? maybe the story is true.", "y": "what in the world would make you believe that's a true story?"}, {"x": "she's really hot.", "y": "they always are."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "ned. i told you to call him ned."}, {"x": "what's up swarlz?", "y": "no. okay? no. no more. i will not let this become a thing. it's over. no more swarley. no swarlz. no more swar-lay. no more swar... wait for it... ley. no more bob swarley, man. no more. no! it's over. do you understand?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "oh. for his date. good for him. hope he has a good time tonight.", "y": "relax, you've got nothing to worry about. the girl's crazy."}, {"x": "thanks!", "y": "he'll just have wild monkey sex with her five times, max, and be done with her."}, {"x": "thanks again.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "and this next one's going out to swarley. all your friends know you miss barney, but he's gone, and you got to accept that, baby. and, swarley, you're gonna be  a better woman for it. here's \"i am woman\" by helen reddy.", "y": "ha-ha! now i'm a woman. i love it! you know, i was thinking about this whole new name thing last night, and you know what i realized? i like it."}, {"x": "you like being called swarley?", "y": "are you kidding? i want you to call me that."}, {"x": "do you really think this is gonna work?", "y": "do i think what's gonna work? i'm just saying, i love my new name, so please only call me that from now on."}, {"x": "call you what?", "y": "you know, that-that-that new name that you've been calling me."}, {"x": "say it.", "y": "why? you guys know what it is."}, {"x": "say the name.", "y": "no, i don't want to! i hate it! i hate it! it's not funny! it's never been funny! i've never done any... no!"}, {"x": "okay, i ran it by the group, and we decided we're gonna give you a choice. we will agree to stop calling you swarley, but instead, we'll call you jennifer. well?", "y": "i'm thinking. how about this? on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, you..."}, {"x": "it's nice to meet you, roland. i'll see you guys later.", "y": "roland? your name's roland. that's funny, right? rock and roland. warsaw is the capital of what? roland. you're monica roland-ski. hey, yeah, that's just how i roland."}, {"x": "nice try, swarley.", "y": "damn it."}, {"x": "you got it.", "y": "hey, guys."}, {"x": "wow. a pedicure.", "y": "uh, if there were any shame in a dude getting a pedicure i don't think there would have been a feature about it in details magazine."}, {"x": "we're going to atlantic city to elope right now!", "y": "oh, congratulations, lily. marshall, you're getting married? what the hell?"}, {"x": "so are you in or not?", "y": "hell, yeah, i'm in! just... i'm almost done."}, {"x": "and something blue. somebody should really check on this lady.", "y": "ah, a.c., always in decline, never hitting bottom. it's good to be back, old friend."}, {"x": "you been here before?", "y": "oh, uh, once or twice."}, {"x": "barney!", "y": "ah, good to see you, too. three times, maybe."}, {"x": "yeah, okay.", "y": "no, you guys go ahead. i'm going to find the veil."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, definitely.", "y": "okay, i got the veil. she wasn't ready to be married. all right, let's talk bachelor party. are we thinking full-on strip club, or should we rent a room and have a private toy show?"}, {"x": "barney, no.", "y": "marshall, i'm your best man."}, {"x": "right here.", "y": "and as your best man, i have to throw you a bachelor party. that's part of being a best friend."}, {"x": "oh, good. did you get the veil?", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "unbelievable!"}, {"x": "about the marriage laws of the state where i work in a wedding chapel? yeah, i'm pretty sure.", "y": "bright side the bachelor party continues!"}, {"x": "hey, it's barney! barney!", "y": "hi."}, {"x": "...suit up! legen-...-dary!", "y": "see you."}, {"x": "what the hell was that?", "y": "a... chinese guy?"}, {"x": "geez, you go to a vending machine for 30 seconds.", "y": "vultures."}, {"x": "sweet.", "y": "guys, let's bail. this is never gonna happen."}, {"x": "look, i know this is turning into a bit of a disaster, but believe me, it's better than the alternative.", "y": "you throwing a big, free party with lots of booze and food and all your single, desperate girlfriends from college? yeah, glad we dodged that b*llet."}, {"x": "all right, what was that look? what's going on?", "y": "they broke up over the summer. lily totally ran off to san francisco and these two just had sex in the closet. what? we're under oath."}, {"x": "no, we're not.", "y": "yeah, we are. he's a judge."}, {"x": "wh-- did we take an oath? do you even know what an oath is?", "y": "uh, yeah. courthouse. oath. we're under it."}, {"x": "deal. $5,000, okay, we can do that. come on, everybody. fork over your cash. don't think. just do it.", "y": "i can get us that money."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "have you noticed that all day today chinese guys have been coming up and saying hi to me?"}, {"x": "yes. have you noticed i haven't asked about it because i'm too scared of the answer?", "y": "well, those are my old gambling buddies. truth is... i used to come here all the time. play an old chinese game called \"shing hasabu shing\". had a small gambling problem. actually, it wasn't so small. i kind of lost my entire life's savings. but tonight, i don't know, i'm feeling hot. i think i can win us that money."}, {"x": "no, we're not letting you gamble all our money away.", "y": "uh, it's not gambling if you absolutely know you're going to win. i'll get us that money. i swear it, nay... i oath it."}, {"x": "i totally understand the game, theodore. barney, split your tiles. you can triple your money if you find the jellybean.", "y": "marshall, please. don't you think i know what i'm... my god, you're right."}, {"x": "thanks, barney.", "y": "did you guys see me? i was on fire tonight. man, i can't wait to get back to the shore. god, i love gambling!"}, {"x": "when we get home, we're gonna go to a little meeting. okay?", "y": "why can't i do it just a little?"}, {"x": "just doc. he's creepy. i mean, the guy went to medical school. what's he doing living with six coal miners?", "y": "oh, man, i'm so excited. i couldn't sleep last night. i bet you guys couldn't either."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "ah, only the gala event for the grand opening of sharper image's 500th store. didn't you get my email?"}, {"x": "no, i blocked your address after the fourth time you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt.", "y": "come on, it's on me! i'm buying three of you foot massagers and one of you a nose hair trimmer. you know who you are."}, {"x": "all right, i'm in.", "y": "to the willowbrook mall!"}, {"x": "no, i don't go to malls! sorry, i just don't like malls.", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "what, i don't get it, why won't robin tell me why she hates malls?", "y": "ted, you should be happy robin has a secret. the more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal 'oh' moment."}, {"x": "the 'oh' moment?", "y": "yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal breaker."}, {"x": "it's a promise ring. i made a pact with god to stay a virgin till i'm married.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "i don't have an eating disorder. it's just when i put food in my mouth, i chew it and then i spit it out.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "i just turned 30.", "y": "oh."}, {"x": "yeah, i agree with ted. in a real relationship, you share everything. that's why marshall and i don't keep any secrets.", "y": "you are such a cutie pie. here's a quarter, go play something on the jukebox."}, {"x": "it's true. they tell each other everything.", "y": "i can think of tons of things there's no way marshall told you"}, {"x": "try me.", "y": "do you know about the time the marshall was in trenton?"}, {"x": "doggie ate his pants. yep.", "y": "bill's bachelor party in memphis."}, {"x": "oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach?", "y": "ok, seattle."}, {"x": "trick question, marshall's never been to the pacific northwest because he's afraid of sasquatch.", "y": "damn."}, {"x": "what happened next?", "y": "fine, do you want to know what robin's secret is?"}, {"x": "you know?", "y": "of course i know. she couldn't look at us. her face got flushed. that's shame. our friend, robin, used to do p*rn, wait for it, ography."}, {"x": "my friend in canada who got married way too young, they had to do their vows twice, once in french.", "y": "they speak french there too? god! that place is a mess."}, {"x": "oh, i'm sure there is. just like i have a friend who wet his bed till he was ten. use your brain, ted.", "y": "guys, there's not way robin's married. it's ludicrous to even suggest it."}, {"x": "thank you barney.", "y": "'cause it's p*rn."}, {"x": "robin is not in p*rn. i'll bet you anything that she's married.", "y": "20,000 says it's p*rn."}, {"x": "i don't have 20,000.", "y": "well then, what do you have?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "i got it. the ultimate wager. slap bet."}, {"x": "ok.", "y": "your hand is monstrous."}, {"x": "see, that's just it. i'm not the boyfriend, i'm the mistress. no, not the mistress. the mastress. master. what do you call it?", "y": "i'm pretty sure we're gonna call is mistress."}, {"x": "i can see my hand print on your face.", "y": "don't get too cocky, slappy. i just got a shipment of p*rn from canada i have to go through."}, {"x": "i won the bet. why are you still searching?", "y": "just because you were right doesn't mean i'm wrong."}, {"x": "oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch p*rn.", "y": "canadian p*rn. trust me when i tell you their universal health care system doesn't cover breast implants. if i have to sit through one more flat-chested nova scotian riding a mountie on the back of a zamboni, i'll go \"oat\" of my mind."}, {"x": "he moved there for business.", "y": "you, you got something to say to me?"}, {"x": "you told him? lily i had to. i'm slap bet commissioner. baby, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.", "y": "don't count on it. i've been practicing on a tree trunk."}, {"x": "one because you lied. and two for being prematurely slapped. three slaps.", "y": "oh my god. are you gonna cry? marshall no. you're gonna cry."}, {"x": "- no.", "y": "private jet. teeterboro airport, skinny-skydiving. who's in?"}, {"x": "- no, thanks.", "y": "one beer. bar, downstairs, 15 second walk. who's in?"}, {"x": "- no.", "y": "yes. and do you know why? hang on to your bedsores, grandparents from willy wonka, because guess who's on his way up to this apartment right now? my... wait for it... brother, james. react."}, {"x": "- you have a brother?", "y": "- yeah. he's the awesome-est, most best looking-est, greatest guy ever."}, {"x": "he's exactly like barney.", "y": "that's what i just said."}, {"x": "awesome, as per \"yoozh.\" i just went skinny-skydiving. legendary. and my laser tag team, just made it to regional finals.\"legendarier.\" and by now you've noticed the suit. go 'head, touch it. handcrafted by pietro dellacamera, milan's famous 101-year-old tailor who upon completing the very last stitch in this suit dropped dead, which is ironic because that is how gorgeous i look in it. c'mon. gimme five.", "y": "is \"gimme five\" back?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. i put it in my blog this morning.", "y": "guys, \"gimme five\" is back!"}, {"x": "so what are you guys gonna do tonight?", "y": "i'll tell you what james is gonna do. he's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. and, as always, he'll do it a lot better than you ever did. ted... james is my wingman now."}, {"x": "and then there was the time they scored the brother/sister combo.", "y": "it was everything we ever dreamed of when watching donnie and marie. she was a little bit country."}, {"x": "what? i would never know, 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. oh, i can't see. hey! you know, speaking of things that would look good wrapped around you, have you met my straight brother, barney? oh, he is fab--don't you go nowhere-- \"ulous.\" okay?", "y": "help, i don't think he's breathing. does anyone know mouth-to-mouth?"}, {"x": "oh, my god, i do!", "y": "okay, great. how 'bout you instead?"}, {"x": "testify!", "y": "daddy's home! yeah. all right, bro. what do you like? guy in super tight black t? super tight black guy? guy who looks like mr. t?"}, {"x": "mmm, yes, yes, and... talk to me after two martinis. let's focus on you, my man.", "y": "i'm feeling lazy. how 'bout girl with the chocolatini?"}, {"x": "oh... boom, back tattoo. hero and the pig?", "y": "- let's ride."}, {"x": "- get off me, you pig!", "y": "- hey! hey! her body art is not an invitation to grope her, it's an expression of her inner self. i'm sure, in many ways, she is the dolphin encircled by flowers."}, {"x": "- what? what?", "y": "- what? what?"}, {"x": "cool.", "y": "let me know if he bothers you again."}, {"x": "thanks. you should stay close... just in case.", "y": "sure. if it'll make you feel safer. i'm barney."}, {"x": "- break.", "y": "- boiling hot."}, {"x": "have you met my brother?", "y": "oh, hello. have a drink."}, {"x": "this is gonna k*ll barney.", "y": "what's gonna k*ll me? what's going on?"}, {"x": "b-barney? have you noticed anything...different about james?", "y": "no. i mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean."}, {"x": "we have reason to believe that james is, uh, maybe hiding something from you. i-i know you're not gonna like hearing this, but... barney... your brother is...monogamous.", "y": "that's ridiculous! just because he's a little sleepy, and he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall... he hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall."}, {"x": "and, barney... i hate to be the one to tell you this, but... he's texting.", "y": "no, he... no! that... is impossible. excuse... excuse... ex..."}, {"x": "hey, bro.", "y": "don't change the subject. let me see your phone."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "i just want to see your phone. let me see your phone."}, {"x": "no, it's just a phone. it's just a phone! and it's got internet access, and it's got a camera on it, and you can surf the web and do the whole thing. it's so amazing how far technology has come. what kind of phone do you have?", "y": "i got... who is this? and the answer better be \"i don't remember his name.\""}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "i don't support this."}, {"x": "gay marriage?", "y": "not gay marriage-- marriage! how can you do this?we were raised in the same house, with the same values!"}, {"x": "believe me, i fought this for a long time. come on, it's embarrassing. look, this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. but i fell in love. and tom and i realized you can't fight love.", "y": "oh, god. is that what you two do together? you sit around the house and talk about love? i think... i'm gonna be sick."}, {"x": "okay, okay, look,i need you to wrap your head around this, okay? because it is happening. and i want you to be my best man.", "y": "what? no way."}, {"x": "two beers, one sh*t.", "y": "oh, it's a freaking epidemic."}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "clam bake. staten island. who's in? okay, i didn't have high hopes for that one. okay, here's my thing. if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. that's how it works. they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. like now everyone gets manicures."}, {"x": "i don't get manicures.", "y": "okay, then like how... like getting your chest waxed."}, {"x": "you get your chest waxed?", "y": "you know what i mean! gay marriage is going to cause single life, as we know it, to die out. think of how the american family will be strengthened."}, {"x": "barney, i'm sorry you're upset, but you got to suck it up and be a man about this.", "y": "no. it's always been me and him together, being awesome, while the rest of you walked two-by-two onto your ark of sexless boredom."}, {"x": "just because james is getting married doesn't mean things are going to change.", "y": "yeah. like things haven't changed with you people."}, {"x": "look, my sister married a guy i didn't like. sandals and socks--come on, buddy. but i took her out, we celebrated. it was the right thing to do. you got to support him.", "y": "you're right, ted. this is a cause for celebration. we need to take him out and celebrate the commitment he and tom are about to make."}, {"x": "yeah. this is where we're celebrating the commitment that tom and i are about to make?", "y": "what? yeah! see, that cage represents your commitment."}, {"x": "and then tom says to the dealer that the handmade georgian clock has a chip on the corner. blam, we get that puppy half price. what up?! bam!", "y": "sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, oh, yeah. hey, oh, my god. this is so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. i cannot wait for you to meet tom.", "y": "and i cannot wait for you to meet my good friend... this guy. excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink?"}, {"x": "eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, barnaby. okay. all right. i spy a group of women who have let their defenses down because they are in a gay club. you see that chick right there? she looks like she'd fall for sports agent and football player.", "y": "okay, i'm in. which one am i?"}, {"x": "please.", "y": "he's very shy, loves tennis and brazil, and drops his pants after three dirty martinis. now go, man, go!"}, {"x": "oh, totally. let's go find a sports bar.", "y": "james, james, since you like arts and crafts, look at what charles here made with cherry stems. he did it with his tongue. yeah."}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "so, charles, why don't you put your number in my brother's phone, and once he's in a funner mood..."}, {"x": "okay, okay, excuse me. barney, family talk. okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay? i know that my getting married is threatening to your way of life...", "y": "oh, so now it's my way of life? i thought it was our way of life. you've completely turned your back on it. look at you, not even suited up. do you remember why we suit up, james?"}, {"x": "to get laid.", "y": "to show people that we are different from the millions of t-shirt and jeans lemmings out there. the suit shows that we are a force to be reckoned with, a two-person army that plays by its own rules. but you've taken off the uniform, you've crossed enemy lines, and you've abandoned me. well, i'm not gonna let you do that. it's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! you don't have to do this, bro!"}, {"x": "- yes, i do.", "y": "- why?!"}, {"x": "because tom and i are gonna have a baby.", "y": "what? there's gonna be a baby?"}, {"x": "yes. we're adopting.", "y": "oh, my god. i'm gonna be an uncle?"}, {"x": "for the rest of your life.", "y": "to james and tom. may you have a long and happy life together. and may i always have the skin and libido of a much younger man.- cheers."}, {"x": "- cheers.", "y": "thanks. i decided to leave out the hetero college phase. no one wants to"}, {"x": "oh, stop calling me that. it makes me sound fat.", "y": "ugh, it's a freaking epidemic."}, {"x": "yeah. no, you're right. lily would laugh at anything.", "y": "she'd give it up for a bad pun. i'm telling you, she's a laugh slut."}, {"x": "remember that time we heard her laughing and we thought she was watching weekend at bernie's, but it turned out she was watching weekend at bernie's 2?", "y": "and her art? \"i'm lily, i'm an artist.\" she doesn't even own a beret."}, {"x": "why is this such a big deal? it's just a word. we use lots of words, every day. it shouldn't be any different than any other word.", "y": "then why don't you say it now?"}, {"x": "grinch. you timed that didn't you?", "y": "perfectly."}, {"x": "oh, you'll be sorry, ted mosby.", "y": "ted vivian mosby!"}, {"x": "that's not my middle name.", "y": "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"}, {"x": "like you've never said that word.", "y": "i don't kiss your mother with my mouth. yet."}, {"x": "are you sick?", "y": "is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?"}, {"x": "no, i meant do you have a cold?", "y": "i'm fine. i'm fine. my nose is just overflowing with awesome and i had to get some of it out. now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time when people are lonely and desperate. it's the most wonderful time of the year."}, {"x": "yeah. i mean, slamming doors and screaming curses? if i wanted that, i would have gone home for the holidays.", "y": "i don't see any mistletoe, but..."}, {"x": "oh! oh, god!", "y": "uh... \"bless you\" would have been nice."}, {"x": "you're sick.", "y": "i'm not sick."}, {"x": "you're sick.", "y": "you know what? i am sick. sick of you telling me i'm sick. what up?"}, {"x": "barney! what the hell are you doing? get in here, it's freezing outside. are you insane?", "y": "hey, blame lily and her oppressive \"no cigars in the apartment rule.\" god, it's like marshall's marrying the taliban.. high five."}, {"x": "eww. no. you have to go home and get to bed.", "y": "oh, robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing i like to call mind over body. you see, whenever i start feeling sick, i just stop being sick and be awesome instead. true story. yeah, in two minutes, i'm going to pound a sixer of red bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. it's gonna be legen... wait for it..."}, {"x": "hey, hey, no, no, no. ted, ted. you don't know this yet, but you and i are going to be great friends. now, the native americans have this ritual...", "y": "this is a low moment for the barnacle. i should be off playing laser tag right now, but instead... don't look at me. i'm hideous."}, {"x": "you just look like a regular guy.", "y": "exactly. i'm a ted. i'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants."}, {"x": "and isn't it more comfy?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "come on, you need eat something.", "y": "too weak... to hold... bowl."}, {"x": "fine, i'll feed you.", "y": "ouchie in my mouth! i don't want it. i want ice cream."}, {"x": "no, you're not having ice cream for dinner just 'cause you're sick.", "y": "but my throat hurts."}, {"x": "no!", "y": "i hate you!"}, {"x": "spider! spider!", "y": "i left something in the hallway."}, {"x": "don't tell me you're actually buying into barney's freeway theory.", "y": "watch your steps when you get up, kids, 'cause i am about to drop some knowledge. relationships are like a freeway."}, {"x": "wait a minute, a month ago you told me relationships are like a traveling circus.", "y": "no, this is new. this trumps that. freeways have exits. so do relationships. the first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. you meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower."}, {"x": "so every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? actually, yeah, i get that.", "y": "the next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months--that's when you guys are gonna break up, mark your calendars."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "then a year and a half, 18 years, and the last exit-- death. which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like, \"are we there yet?\""}, {"x": "yeah, i don't have any of those.", "y": "discouraging premarital sex is against my religion."}, {"x": "totally. you should wait.", "y": "sex is fun."}, {"x": "well, how do you know that? you left your diary in your old room slash my new room.", "y": "i'll pay you $10,000 for that diary."}, {"x": "barney was probably 12.", "y": "good one, ted. i was, uh, six... fourt... how old were you again?"}, {"x": "17.", "y": "dude, me, too."}, {"x": "barney, you okay?", "y": "yeah, of course. what, you don't believe me? - it was at camp, so i'm..."}, {"x": "what camp?", "y": "this place in the catskills. look it up. i was there teaching for the summer."}, {"x": "what did you teach?", "y": "uh, dance."}, {"x": "dance?", "y": "yeah, ted, dance. maybe you've heard of it. it was just a simple summer job, but it turned into so much more. her name was frances houseman, but everyone called her baby."}, {"x": "yes, mickey?", "y": "how you call your loverboy?"}, {"x": "come here, loverboy", "y": "and if he doesn't answer"}, {"x": "oh, loverboy", "y": "and if he still doesn't answer?"}, {"x": "no, it doesn't. it doesn't count. end of story.", "y": "ooh, why, lily aldrin, you saucy little harlot. could it be that before marshall took a swim, someone else tested the water?"}, {"x": "no. nobody else tested the water, right? scooter?", "y": "who's scooter?"}, {"x": "i... i can't believe this. we're marshall and lily, when people see us, they say, \"oh, look at them, they've only had sex with each other.\"", "y": "no, marshall, they say, \"oh, look at them, they've only had sex with each other.\""}, {"x": "well, 'cause only good-looking people can get away with saying things like that.", "y": "i have found that to be true."}, {"x": "angela.", "y": "mona."}, {"x": "mona?", "y": "watch it more closely. rock your world."}, {"x": "fine, mosby can stay. but tell him he's on thin ice. come here. i like you, crosby.", "y": "you mind if i charge my phone?"}, {"x": "you know what? i'm gonna do it. i'm gonna fire druthers tomorrow.", "y": "oh, my god!"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "do you know about this?"}, {"x": "what is that?", "y": "only the greatest thing ever. wait, wait, wait-- that's not enough buildup. if they were to cure cancer tomorrow, this would still be the greatest thing to happen all week. okay. now you're ready for naked marshall."}, {"x": "oh, my god. this is awesome times awesome. it's awesome squared.", "y": "i know, right? behind the piano this whole time."}, {"x": "wait. if marshall went to all this trouble to hide it, he clearly doesn't want us to find it.", "y": "oh, come on, robin."}, {"x": "no, i'm saying that he must be really embarrassed by this. we are gonna have so much fun.", "y": "i know! we're gonna have so much fun!"}, {"x": "i can't fire a guy on his birthday. everyone would hate me. besides, they put a party hat on me. my authority was compromised.", "y": "oh, hey, marshall. have a seat. i know how much you love stools."}, {"x": "thank you. that's so sweet. you guys are being... so sweet.", "y": "hey, guys. guess what i got. a new dart."}, {"x": "i did not know you were such a fan of new dart, barney.", "y": "oh, yes, robin, i just love new dart. nude art."}, {"x": "we're not in high school anymore. people don't make fun of you for posing nude for a painting. we're adults now.", "y": "we totally saw your butt."}, {"x": "this painting has caused too much grief already. i'm destroying it right now.", "y": "oh, no, what's the matter, marshall?"}, {"x": "where is it?", "y": "i'll tell you where it is if you'll answer these riddles three."}, {"x": "you hung it up in the bar, didn't you?", "y": "yo, why you gotta ruin my riddles?"}, {"x": "field trip!", "y": "oh, no. someone put your painting up behind the bar. classic! what a memorable prank."}, {"x": "okay, where should we put it up next? in his law school? ooh on the side of a bus. oh, oh! how much do billboards cost?", "y": "easy, scherbatsky. finesse. i've got a five-year rollout plan. i'll have you know that painting's got commitments all over the city. then, after new york..."}, {"x": "you know, i wish everyone didn't have to make fun of that painting.", "y": "eh, we're not making fun of the painting, we're just making fun of marshall. the painting's actually really great."}, {"x": "are you serious?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "well, thank you. you know, seeing it again makes me miss painting nudes. what?", "y": "paint me."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "paint me."}, {"x": "maybe we can.", "y": "paint me."}, {"x": "okay, i don't get this. you've been making fun of that painting all this time and now you want me to paint you?", "y": "we knew we could t*rture marshall because he has shame. i do not. in my body, where the shame gland should be, there's a second awesome gland. true story."}, {"x": "yeah, that's not the gland i'm worried about painting.", "y": "yeah. a nude barney is a challenge. but i think you're talented enough to immortalize this. now is the time-- i'm 31. i'm at the peak of my physical beauty. if i were a woman, i'd have passed it long, long ago. long ago."}, {"x": "forget it. i promised marshall he was the only guy i would ever see naked.", "y": "i'll give you $5,000."}, {"x": "okay, let's get this over with.", "y": "hey, hey! i don't want you phoning this in. this painting could, someday, become a serious work of art. i mean, you have been blessed with an amazing gift."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "i meant me. now, i like how you captured marshall's essence. goofy and unburdened, with wit. but me, i want something more regal. something my progeny could look at and say, \"there's stands barnabus stinson.\" he was wise... and strong."}, {"x": "i don't think your sword will fit.", "y": "i get that a lot."}, {"x": "hold still. hold still. hold still!", "y": "paint faster!"}, {"x": "okay, i guess it's time. drop your shorts.", "y": "yeah. wait, wait! that wasn't enough buildup. i need... in a world without justice, one man..."}, {"x": "oh, just drop them!", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "no! no, this is not right!", "y": "we had a deal!"}, {"x": "well, i'm going back on the deal. barney, get out!", "y": "you...!"}, {"x": "it's over!. lily, i can't let you go through with this! i found a castle we can stay in, but it's an extra two grand. it's just not right!. it's beautiful and they say it's haunted.", "y": "before you say anything, i'll give you an extra five grand."}, {"x": "we accept.", "y": "you people are so easy to control. dance for me, puppets, dance."}, {"x": "marshall, you're on beer detail. lily, you're making the bean dip. uh, robin, you're on chips and pretzels, and barney, i'm giving you nothing to do so you can just focus on controlling your gambling problem.", "y": "\"problem.\" oh, poor superman, he should really do something about his flying problem. it's not a problem if you're awesome at it."}, {"x": "no idea.", "y": "not a clue."}, {"x": "oh, my god. this monkey was so cute.", "y": "seriously, that's the last time i'm gonna call you today. okay. good-bye. you didn't hang up either! i know! you hang up! you hang up! my bookie. great guy."}, {"x": "so let me get this straight. a funeral is the one time you don't suit up?", "y": "have i taught you nothing, ted?"}, {"x": "virtually.", "y": "suits are full of joy. they're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile."}, {"x": "sartorial\"?", "y": "\"of or pertaining to tailors or their trade.\" suits are for the living. that's why when it's my time to r.i.p. i'm going out of this world the same way i came into it buck naked. yeah. it's gonna be awesome. open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. what up?!"}, {"x": "i know. he was so young.", "y": "a hand-stitched, cashmere, double-breasted dolce & gabbana. it must be so frightened."}, {"x": "oh, let's face it, we're not going to get to watch it. we should just find out the score.", "y": "oh, thank god! i'll find out."}, {"x": "second down, everyone drink.", "y": "ted, it's not a drinking game if you drink anytime anything happens."}, {"x": "hey, barney, i bet you 20 bucks that casey misses this field goal.", "y": "i don't bet. betting's for suckers."}, {"x": "make it like a dollar or something, you know. who cares? no big deal.", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "see, there you go, he made it. you win.", "y": "wait. this is mine, just like that? god, that feels good. no, that feels really... good. what else can we bet on?"}, {"x": "i can't believe you invited this girl we've only known for a few months to our sacred day. now she's gonna be in all the pictures.", "y": "yeah, yeah, whatever. i'll give you the seahawks plus six points for 500 bucks."}, {"x": "are you crazy? maybe for $50.", "y": "$50?! what fun is $50?! why don't we just bet air?! god, marshall! okay, $50."}, {"x": "look, we always watch the super bowl together. so we make a pact to watch it tomorrow at 600 and go the next 18 hours without finding out who won.", "y": "that's impossible."}, {"x": "i'm in.", "y": "what the hell, i'm in. high five!"}, {"x": "dude, we're at a wake.", "y": "sorry. solemn low five."}, {"x": "what? no.", "y": "come on, ted, you eat salads. it'll be out by game time."}, {"x": "lots more, no.", "y": "i'm not messing around, theodore. i've got a lot of money riding on this game. if i don't handcuff myself to this radiator, i'll check the score. please take the key."}, {"x": "just went up to eight.", "y": "unlock me, ted. i've never gone this long without calling my bookie. he worries."}, {"x": "not until game time.", "y": "where are you going?"}, {"x": "pick up the hot wings.", "y": "what? how the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? there's tvs everywhere."}, {"x": "i want my money back. and your pudding snack pack.", "y": "sir, who won the super bowl?"}, {"x": "sorry. i missed the game.", "y": "you missed...?! how could he miss...? excuse me! who won the super bowl?!"}, {"x": "i... don't really follow sports.", "y": "oh, my...! emmitt smith! oh, thank god."}, {"x": "yeah, i get that a lot.", "y": "you got to tell me, who won the super bowl?"}, {"x": "the game was last night? you know, once you win two or three of those things, it's kind of like, eh.", "y": "but you're emmitt smith. you're a football player, it's super bowl sunday. what could possibly be more important than football?!"}, {"x": "dance, my friend. dance.", "y": "no...!"}, {"x": "no...!", "y": "no...!"}, {"x": "i almost got fired today.", "y": "i met emmitt smith today."}, {"x": "yeah, go ahead, barney.", "y": "well, i was frantically running down the street trying to find out the score to the game..."}, {"x": "yeah. it sucks, all that work i put in training for the marathon was a total waste.", "y": "training for a marathon."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you don't need to train for a marathon. you just run it."}, {"x": "you're kidding, right?", "y": "not at all. i could run a marathon anytime i wanted to."}, {"x": "so like tomorrow, you think you could wake up, roll out of bed, and just run the new york city marathon?", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "thanks, canada. i'll take it from here. barney, it's like 26 miles.", "y": "here's how you run a marathon. step one, you start running. there is no step two."}, {"x": "you have a gambling problem. you'll bet me 50.", "y": "fine, then no bet. okay, $50."}, {"x": "well, it looks like, \"barney\" should be coming over the queensboro bridge and up first avenue within the next hour or so. but... there is no way that that's really him.", "y": "what up, non-finishers?"}, {"x": "wow. very impressive, barney.", "y": "right? yeah, my time would have been like a half an hour better, but i met this total hottie on mile seven. we took a quick detour and had our own mini marathon behind a nathan's. i won."}, {"x": "i'm not sure anyone in that story is a winner.", "y": "so where's my 50 bucks?"}, {"x": "all right. i got to admit, you earned this.", "y": "huh? can't believe they haven't made a coin for this yet. anyway, i'm heading home. might go hit the gym."}, {"x": "oh, hey, just so you know, uh, all marathon runners get to use the subway for free today.", "y": "wow. you know i really should check out this \"subway.\" heard so much about it. wow. look at me. slumming it. maybe i'll make a weekend out of it and i'll call my bridge and tunnel girl tonight."}, {"x": "you're dating a girl from new jersey?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "hello?", "y": "ted, it's barney. listen to me, i need you to come and pick me up on the subway."}, {"x": "what, what are you talking about?", "y": "i was sitting here, totally minding my own business."}, {"x": "86th street.", "y": "my legs don't work. i've already ridden the subway twice end to end. i've seen where it turns around. ted, you don't ever want to see where the subway turns around."}, {"x": "best 50 bucks i ever spent.", "y": "listen to me, ted. i'm going to lose you any second. i'm on the fourth car of the six train heading south from pelham bay park in the bronx. meet me at the 86th street station in, like, half an hour?"}, {"x": "all right. i'll be right there. stay where you are.", "y": "ted, ted."}, {"x": "oh, come on. you're not even going to give up your seat for him?", "y": "i'm sorry. i can't."}, {"x": "barney?!", "y": "ted!"}, {"x": "hey!", "y": "no...!"}, {"x": "you don't understand. this is an amazing sale. i've heard about it before, but i never knew where it was. we'll have a wedding dress campout. it'll be fun.", "y": "i can't go. i've got this thing."}, {"x": "what thing?", "y": "a penis."}, {"x": "okay, so you have to have sex with one. either classic mermaid; bottom half fish, top half human, or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human. go!", "y": "i don't know. is she fat?"}, {"x": "hot off the presses!", "y": "i-i don't take flyers."}, {"x": "you took one two seconds before you walked in here.", "y": "that's different. it was for a strip club. two bucks off wings. how much is your flyer going to save me on wings?"}, {"x": "fine. it's a flyer from my play.", "y": "oh, lily, i'd love to, but we're not in college and i'm not trying to sleep with you. so anyway, this mermaid..."}, {"x": "hey, lily's friend asked her to be in this play, and it's gonna be really good.", "y": "lily, i love you, but we're too old for this. asking someone to come see your play is like asking someone for a ride to the airport or to crash on your couch or to help you move. call a cab, book a room, hire some movers and repeat after me friends don't let friends come see their crappy play."}, {"x": "okay, first of all, i've thought about it and top half fish. second of all, we need you guys to decide something for us.", "y": "yes, you should break up."}, {"x": "i know we should, but you just look so sexy in my red sweatshirt.", "y": "oh, god, why is this part of the story?"}, {"x": "oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!", "y": "what's wrong with her?"}, {"x": "she hates that word.", "y": "what word, \"moist\"?"}, {"x": "yeah, like we did with marshall's pants.", "y": "ah, the 2005 landmark case of lily v. the joey buttafuoco pants."}, {"x": "yes!", "y": "i vote they can stay. \"check out the jackass in the parachute pants\" is a good icebreaker."}, {"x": "they were insanely comfortable! they were like pajamas you could wear outside.", "y": "marshall, it's over. we even gave you an appeal and they didn't look any better with combat boots."}, {"x": "all right, barney. it all comes down to you.", "y": "i side with robin."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "ted, your place is too cluttered. it's like you're living in a bennigan's."}, {"x": "eight flights, of stairs. who puts a theater up eight flights of stairs? what kind of building is this?", "y": "from the smell of it, i'm guessing a urine factory."}, {"x": "where do you guys want to sit?", "y": "i know where i don't want to sit."}, {"x": "guys, four together!", "y": "i brought a bag in case anyone needs to puke."}, {"x": "come on. it's not gonna be that bad.", "y": "no? okay."}, {"x": "i am rage... envy!", "y": "i am outta here."}, {"x": "and when it became a play within a play, i was, like, \"now we are really cookin'!\"", "y": "wow, lily, that sucked!"}, {"x": "barney!", "y": "what? it was terrible. i mean, come on. you guys agree, right? hey, sorry, i'm just being honest 'cause, you know, we're friends."}, {"x": "no, friends make each other feel good. they build each other up and support them. that's what being a good friend is about.", "y": "yeah, if you're a smurf."}, {"x": "you know if you did a play, i would sit through the whole thing and i would compliment you on it afterwards.", "y": "oh, really? you would?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "bad move, aldrin, bad move."}, {"x": "what's the matter with you?", "y": "even i wouldn't do that."}, {"x": "i miss jebediah.", "y": "oh, i almost forgot. flyers for my new play."}, {"x": "very funny.", "y": "oh, it's not a joke. it's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night. and even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long, i expect you all to be there since we're such good friends."}, {"x": "oh, we'll be there.", "y": "unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong..."}, {"x": "never.", "y": "good. okay, i gotta go rehearse. oh, i almost forgot. bring a poncho; the first three rows get wet."}, {"x": "i know, but i'm gonna sit through the whole thing, and i'm gonna say something nice about it afterwards. you know why? because that's what friends do.", "y": "moist. moist. moist. moist."}, {"x": "i never get picked for audience participation.", "y": "feelings. inside. oh, no!"}, {"x": "okay! stop! you win. fine. barney, i'm sorry i made you come to my show.", "y": "thank you, lily. is there anything you'd like to say about my show?"}, {"x": "no. no, i have nothing nice to say about your show. you were right, barney. let's go to the bar.", "y": "yes! i win! i love winning! oh, lily. oh, lily, lily, lily. i was just getting"}, {"x": "well, i imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go.", "y": "pretty awful? pretty awful?! it was a masterpiece of awful. it's genius how bad it is. i kind of wish you guys could see it."}, {"x": "yeah, well, anyway.", "y": "act two is where i really hit my stride. spoiler alert the robot falls in love. lily how about this, barney? how about we stay and-and watch the rest of your show?"}, {"x": "we felt bad that you guys were missing the super-fun origami folding party, so... we suggested moving it here.", "y": "we insisted."}, {"x": "terrific.", "y": "how's the fiero?"}, {"x": "barney. that's like the third one in a row that you've screwed up.", "y": "well, i'm trying, but it's..."}, {"x": "look. you fold twice to the middle, fold back and forth, pull the ends out, flip over, open the flaps, fold the edges, crease the front, fold in half, fold the wings down, push in the bottom corners, and fold the wings back out. or would you like one of my kindergartners to show you?", "y": "wait, wait, wait. wait, i think i've got it."}, {"x": "no. forget it; the paper's too expensive. you're out.", "y": "aw, nerts."}, {"x": "whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. hold on. i think you skipped something.", "y": "really? seems impossible."}, {"x": "that trip is when marshall and i became best friends.", "y": "with privileges, from the sound of it."}, {"x": "eriksen.", "y": "wow. looks like he really needs a hug. ted."}, {"x": "i know that it's a lot of money, but it's my fiero, you know? i'm about to graduate and take some sellout corporate law job, and without that fiero, i'm just another guy in a suit.", "y": "how dare you..."}, {"x": "i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.", "y": "come on, marshall. this is your fiero. you know the rightthing to do here."}, {"x": "wow, barney, why do you love that car so much?", "y": "love it? hold on a second. love it? i hate it!"}, {"x": "what? why?", "y": "why? why? why?! why?!"}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey. uh, is marshall around? i have a massage in queens in half an hour. i need a ride."}, {"x": "uh, no, he's at the library all day. just take the keys.", "y": "hey! why don't you drive me? it'll be like a total road trip."}, {"x": "to queens?", "y": "yeah, we'll get, we'll get beef jerky, triscuits."}, {"x": "uh, actually i have a lot of work to do, so.", "y": "okay. well, anyway, i'll cancel. see you later."}, {"x": "wait! you know how to drive, right?", "y": "what, of course i know how to drive. i love driving. hitting the road. cruising the lanes. and braking. honking. love it. except for lady drivers. don't get me started on lady drivers."}, {"x": "which pedal's the gas?", "y": "trick question."}, {"x": "no, it's not", "y": "yes, it is."}, {"x": "no, it's not.", "y": "middle, left, right? i never learned how to drive! i grew up in the city. i never had a chance."}, {"x": "well, guess what? you're getting your chance. because i'm going to teach you. barney stinson, buckle up.", "y": "this isn't right. god never meant for us to travel at such breakneck speeds."}, {"x": "relax. you're doing great. ignore the old lady on the rascal; this isn't a race.", "y": "dude, a dog."}, {"x": "zitch dogs, this. or nothing.", "y": "what do i do? tell me what to do, ted."}, {"x": "step on the brakes. sometime in the next 20 minutes.", "y": "which? which one's the break again?"}, {"x": "the left one.", "y": "left. oh, man, left. i'm totally blanking."}, {"x": "why did you just turn on the radio?", "y": "i don't know why i turned on the radio! we're going to die. tell me what to do, ted."}, {"x": "relax. you're being crazy.", "y": "help me, ted! i'm being serious."}, {"x": "stop, drop and roll. screaming is fun! screaming is fun!", "y": "i can't move. i can't... i can't feel my... wait. wait. we're okay."}, {"x": "we're okay.", "y": "we're okay. it's a miracle, ted!"}, {"x": "actually, he had two accidents if you add the fact that he...", "y": "ummina-hummina-hummina-hummina ummina-hummina-hummina hummina. i shouldn't even be here, thanks to that deathtrap. but fate... fate gave me a second chance. and helped me realize that our days on this planet are too few to squander. so i decided from that moment on to continue living life to its fullest."}, {"x": "so you made a life-changing decision to not change your life at all.", "y": "true story."}, {"x": "guys. this fiero's meant a lot to all of us. friendships were made. adventures had. horrors faced. that's why we have to get rid of it.", "y": "yes!"}, {"x": "just because we like spending time together doesn't mean we're codependent.", "y": "really? then whatever happened to your plan of spending the last two weeks before your wedding sleeping apart?"}, {"x": "long story. i'll tell you later.", "y": "yeah. it's a dirty story, isn't it? you guys went out to dinner, did it in the kitchen and got caught. scherbatsky reeks of someone who likes to get caught."}, {"x": "oh, you didn't. that's right.", "y": "so you and lily really think you can spend two weeks apart?"}, {"x": "marshmallow, don't forget to pack my night-night tape.", "y": "night-night tape? did you make a tape of you saying \"night-night\" to her?"}, {"x": "he doesn't say it. he sings it.", "y": "oh, that is so sweet. why don't you kiss? i love it when two chicks make out."}, {"x": "damn it. nobody's bought us anything cool yet off our registry.", "y": "what's on there?"}, {"x": "ooh, lots of stuff. kitchen aide artisan series tilt-head stand mixer...", "y": "retail price $319.99. what else?"}, {"x": "um, the dyson dc17 animal vacuum.", "y": "ah, $549.99. a little greedy, don't you think?"}, {"x": "did you memorize our registry?", "y": "no, i'm training."}, {"x": "training? for what?", "y": "i'm glad you asked. ted, robin, get in here! you guys know how it's hard to be friends with me 'cause i'm so awesome?"}, {"x": "yes, it's hard to be friends with you. go on.", "y": "well, this isn't going to make it any easier. i am going to be on... the price is right."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "yes, in a couple days, rich fields is going to call out my name, and i will come on down."}, {"x": "barney, i didn't know you were such a fan of the price is right.", "y": "are you kidding? t.p.i.r. is not just an indescribably entertaining hour of television, it's a microcosm of our entire economic system-- a capitalist utopia, where consumers are rewarded for their persistence, market acumen and intrepid spirit. i gaze upon the glory of the price is right, and i see the face of america. and it is divine. plus, you know, hot chicks on sports cars."}, {"x": "his favorite grandson is getting married, ted. i think he can take a day off from haunting the barn to make an appearance.", "y": "so which one, \"a\" or \"b\"?"}, {"x": "what was that?", "y": "i have to decide how to run to contestant's row when they say, \"barney stinson, come on down!\""}, {"x": "oh, i didn't realize that's what it was. can you do them again?", "y": "yeah, of course."}, {"x": "well, you guys have been spending the last few nights apart. i figured there'd be a lot of giggling, crying, jumping up and down, and then whatever lily would do", "y": "check it out. okay, imagine... imagine, if you will, that this is the $1 space on the price is right wheel. ready?"}, {"x": "oh, wow, that was pretty close.", "y": "close? close?! it's called the price is right, not the price is close! oh, man, this is bad. if i don't win the spin-off, and i can't get into the showcase showdown, everything's ruined! it's all ruined!"}, {"x": "what is ruined? why, why is this such a big deal?", "y": "okay, guys... sit down, i've got to tell you something. the reason i'm going on the price is right is because i've decided that it's time for me to meet my real father."}, {"x": "your father?", "y": "that's right. my father... is bob barker."}, {"x": "your dad... is bob barker?", "y": "that's right"}, {"x": "the host of the price is right, bob barker?", "y": "that's pops."}, {"x": "why in the world do you think bob barker is your father?", "y": "uh, because my mother told me he was, that's why."}, {"x": "hey, dad, guess who i'm going as for halloween?", "y": "want to play some catch, pop?"}, {"x": "you're gonna tell bob barker that you're his son on national television?", "y": "why is this so hard for you people to believe?"}, {"x": "man, i'm well nourished right now!", "y": "calcium promotes healthy teeth and bones."}, {"x": "bob, it's barney stinson! come on down! you're the next contestant on the price is right.", "y": "nooo. oh, my god!"}, {"x": "welcome to contestant's row, barney. nice suit.", "y": "thanks, da... bob."}, {"x": "and barney, what do you bid on that?", "y": "um... wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. retail price is $1,349.99, so, since you round off, i'll say $1,350, bob."}, {"x": "barney, you won that camcorder in just one second! that is impressive. i mean impressive.", "y": "thank you, bob."}, {"x": "now, to win the computer, you're going to have to bid again, and again i will say higher or lower. and let's show the audience the price of the computer, and audience, please, do not try to help us. and the clock will start with your first bid.", "y": "$1 billion."}, {"x": "lower.", "y": "so, i brought some photos that i thought you might like to see. this is me on my first birthday."}, {"x": "that's very nice, but look, the clock is moving. you have only about 16 seconds. keep bidding.", "y": "no, no, i want you to see this. this is great."}, {"x": "so, we've decided on a small, outdoor wedding, just family and close friends. no more than 25 people in a beautiful garden somewhere, maybe an acoustic guitar playing while we walk down the aisle.", "y": "and maybe you already know someone who went down to the courthouse and registered as an officiant so that he or she-- he-- could perform the ceremony."}, {"x": "but you hate marriage. why do you want to perform the ceremony?", "y": "because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there that when i ask a question, you say, \"i do.\" yeah."}, {"x": "so now, instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. yeah. my dad owes a guy, and... that guy's daughter plays the harp.", "y": "is she hot? i'd love to be able to cross \"harp player\" off my list."}, {"x": "how long is this list?", "y": "dude, i'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. i'm not crass."}, {"x": "well, it doesn't matter anyway. she's pregnant.", "y": "sweet! i can cross off two things."}, {"x": "robin, i'm not going to freak myself out. i hate those women who say, \"oh, my wedding has to be perfect.\" things go wrong. sometimes the deejay screws up your playlist. sometimes you slip on placenta during the recessional.", "y": "can i grab a scotch and soda real quick?"}, {"x": "no. i'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception.", "y": "wow. you just cost yourself a big tip, buddy."}, {"x": "i'm not allowed to accept tips, buddy.", "y": "you allowed to accept criticism? you, sir, are an ass... buddy."}, {"x": "really? that didn't work.", "y": "not even a little. hey! who's bill?"}, {"x": "bill?", "y": "yeah. this guy came up to me at the bar."}, {"x": "can i ask you something? where in the ceremony is the place where they ask if anyone objects?", "y": "uh... don't think they do that anymore."}, {"x": "oh, no. did he look like a guy who tried to be an umpire but failed?", "y": "he kind of did."}, {"x": "our families are really close. but my ex-boyfriend? come on, mom. i didn't invite that professional squash player dad busted you with. oh, i need a glass of wine.", "y": "i'll get it."}, {"x": "oh, thanks. hey, how's marshall doing?", "y": "he's great. he's about to get his hair cut."}, {"x": "oh. i'm worried my cousin's going to cut it too short.", "y": "me, too. i was up all night."}, {"x": "hello, lily.", "y": "hey, bill."}, {"x": "you're really cute. oh, no. really?", "y": "i need a glass of wine."}, {"x": "and i need you to get out of my face.", "y": "it's for the bride, so..."}, {"x": "you got it.", "y": "she'd also like a bowl of smoked almonds."}, {"x": "i don't have any, but i guess i could run out to the corner and get some.", "y": "well, it's only the biggest day of her life, so...the barman leaves... let the games begin."}, {"x": "i'm on it.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "can i have your phone number?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "it's for the bride."}, {"x": "oh. hold on. let me go get a pen.", "y": "the bride wants you to walk slower."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "well, it's not too short."}, {"x": "my hair! look at my hair! she ruined my hair! i look like one of the backstreet boys!", "y": "you totally do. and not even the good backstreet boys, the older, lame dance move, comeback tour backstreet boys."}, {"x": "i can't get married like this! there's no way!", "y": "ah, let me see what i can do."}, {"x": "what? what can you do?", "y": "i have a superpower."}, {"x": "let me come at this from a different angle. i got $50 in my pocket which is probably a lot more... barney comes and takes the toupee.", "y": "the bride needs this."}, {"x": "barney?", "y": "to be honest, i'm, uh, i'm jealous i don't get to wear it."}, {"x": "okay, you know what? i need some air. i think we should go for a walk, okay?", "y": "it would cover up the problem. it's festive and it celebrates the heritage of this great nation."}, {"x": "get married now. right here. look, it's outside like you always wanted. intimate, close friends. there's no guitar, but it's pretty close. barney can officiate.", "y": "yes. yes, i can. uh, excuse me, guys. you all dropped something your jaws-- because barney stinson is about to aid and abet a marriage."}, {"x": "hat. we thought of authentic native american headdress before we thought of hat.", "y": "thank you all for coming. for those of you who don't know me... i'm not the biggest believer in marriage. but... you two are so great together, you know? it's like you were, uh, made for each other."}, {"x": "he's gonna cry.", "y": "no, i'm not. i'm not, i'm not, i'm not, i'm not, i'm not. lily and marshall... when everyone sees you, they... see true love. it's the best love... can we just, um, move on to the rings or something?"}, {"x": "no problem.", "y": "it's totally okay."}, {"x": "i'm good.", "y": "marshall, do you take lily to be your wife to have and to hold from this day forward?"}, {"x": "slow down.", "y": "i can't from this day forward so as long as you both shall live?"}, {"x": "i do.", "y": "lily, do you promise to take marshall to be your husband to have and to hold... live?"}, {"x": "i do.", "y": "okay, then, by the power invested in me by the very bitter old pakistani man who works down at the courthouse on lafayette street, i now pronounce you man and wife. you may kiss the bride."}, {"x": "i guess starting tomorrow, we can tell people.", "y": "tell people what?"}, {"x": "hi, barney.", "y": "tell people what?"}, {"x": "the food looks delicious, doesn't it?", "y": "tell people what?"}, {"x": "nothing.", "y": "oh, okay. tell people what?"}, {"x": "can we talk about this later?", "y": "absolutely. tell people what?"}, {"x": "hi. have you met barney?", "y": "hey. barney stinson. lovely dress. i know, i'm sick of these things, too. it's like the same wedding over and over again. you're totally right. you want to dance? great, see you out there. tell people what?"}, {"x": "look, this is just not something we want to talk about right now, okay, barney?", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "can i get a water please?", "y": "tell people what?"}, {"x": "so just forget about it until they leave for the honeymoon.", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "it's pretty big, though.", "y": "oh, my god, just tell me!"}, {"x": "oh, that's great. going on the list.", "y": "what list?"}, {"x": "horrible wedding clich\u00e9es we're not going to touch with a ten-foot limbo pole.", "y": "oh, like first corinthians? that bible verse? they do that at every wedding."}, {"x": "yeah...", "y": "anyway, guys, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could go bicker or share a tense, sexless silence or whatever married people do somewhere else, that'd be great."}, {"x": "no, barney, this is my wedding, and i will sit wherever i damn well...", "y": "are those mini quiches? tell the secret."}, {"x": "okay, uh... it was our anniversary, so we went to this restaurant carmichael's, which is where we went on our first date. remember, the place where i stole the blue french horn for robin?", "y": "oh, right, that was you. i knew that was somebody i knew."}, {"x": "what? dude, you were there. that was like a big iconic moment in all of our lives.", "y": "maybe in your life-- i got a lot of stuff going on."}, {"x": "mini quiche. you're a mega-douche.", "y": "oh, that's right, they moved that table back toward the kitchen, because that's where they're setting up a surprise chocolate fountain. oh, no, i gave it away so what was in the glass?"}, {"x": "right. so the waiter comes up with two glasses of dom. he says, \"champagne?\" \"we didn't order any champagne.\" \"compliments of the house.\" \"wow.\"", "y": "you said that already!"}, {"x": "anything you want to say to the bride and groom?", "y": "don't get married."}, {"x": "why don't i come back.", "y": "an engagement ring?no. no, no, no, no, no, no. ted, you cannot do"}, {"x": "oh, look, more strawberries!", "y": "so what happened next?"}, {"x": "we have an expiration date, don't we?", "y": "oh, my god. you guys broke up. you guys broke up. i can't believe it."}, {"x": "run!", "y": "run? your strategy was run?"}, {"x": "okay. let's do it-- let's move to argentina.", "y": "no es posible! nobody moves to argentina. the argentinean peso has dropped two-thirds in five years, the government is opposed to free market reforms, and the railroad has been a mess since the breakup of ferrocarriles argentinos. i hooked up with an argentinean exchange student in a porta-john outside yankee stadium. man, she was chatty."}, {"x": "right? right?", "y": "you caught the bouquet?"}, {"x": "risk it.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "all right, ladies and gentlemen, if you're all gather around, lily and marshall are going to cut the cake.", "y": "no. robin, you're not... no, say the story's not over."}, {"x": "come on, they're cutting the cake.", "y": "say the story's not over! oh, god, this is the 12th most worried i've ever been that someone's pregnant."}, {"x": "we love you. i love you.", "y": "getting married, having kids. it's all a mistake. it's a horrible, horrible mistake."}, {"x": "i would have stolen you a whole orchestra.", "y": "you did break up."}, {"x": "yep.", "y": "you're not pregnant?"}, {"x": "nope.", "y": "an-and marshall and lily don't know?"}, {"x": "we decided not to say anything till after the wedding.", "y": "you guys okay?"}, {"x": "i dont' know... robin and i broke up two weeks ago. i'm... i'm not ready.", "y": "when will you be ready?"}, {"x": "i'm not ready.", "y": "finish line of a woman 10k. salty girls on an endorphin high who just want to lie down. yeah."}, {"x": "i'm not ready.", "y": "female acrobats from montreal. super flexible. we're going to get \"cirque de so-laid\". what up?"}, {"x": "that's my wife.", "y": "of course it's a competition, lil. how else do you explain... what's his name?"}, {"x": "gael.", "y": "kyle?"}, {"x": "what a jerk? i don't go to your stupid country and try to seduce woman with my sexy accent.", "y": "that's a great point, persian nightclub owner."}, {"x": "career? such an american idea. my career is living. windsurfing. making love. sometimes at the same time.", "y": "how? how would one do that exactly? seriously, don't giggle. tell me."}, {"x": "how do you know?", "y": "glad you asked lily. i have crafted a list of every vehicle land-based, aquatic and airborne in which/on which it's possible to have sex. and of those 33 vehicles, i have had sex in/on 31. windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. oh, p.s., in order to hit 33, all i need is bobsled and the apollo 11 space capsule."}, {"x": "to get that last one, you'd have to break into the smithsonian.", "y": "this conversation never happened."}, {"x": "all right, you're suit up, i bearded down. let's get out there and win this thing.", "y": "yes!"}, {"x": "\"i just want to make sure you're okay with this\"? damn it! i can't believe she's the one that gest to say that. she's winning, isn't she?", "y": "hum-hum. not for long. okay, pep talk. take a knee. ted, tonight, we're going to get you someone way hotter than robin. okay, robin's a ten. fine we'll get you a 12. or, you know... two sixes. failing that, four threes. and break glass in case of emergency we'll go the staten island, i'll get you 12 ones. ted, my boy, i'm going to re-teach you... ah."}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "barney. ted, we are back. up here. up high. fivin' it up five-style!"}, {"x": "damn it! he checks out...", "y": "ted. ted. ted. ted. ted."}, {"x": "what?!!", "y": "let's bail, this place is dead."}, {"x": "yeah, you're right. we're both totally striking out.", "y": "yes, exactly, plus, we're on a tight schedule. i've got the entire evening perfectly planned out... spoiler alert our last stop is an after hours club so after hours, it's three days from now. what up?"}, {"x": "are you blind? i'm making out with a 12. i am winning.", "y": "yeah. but i didn't get to help."}, {"x": "so you're saying you want me to throw away a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her?", "y": "apology accepted. let's go."}, {"x": "hum. this is barney. barney, amy.", "y": "i'm not gonna remember that. now, if you'll excuse me, random chick from earlier tonight, as you shall henceforth be known. ted and i have a schedule to keep."}, {"x": "oh, well. you can check out off 0854, dress up like a dork and bother the cool kids. b*at it, nerd.", "y": "wow. wow. great stuff, tommy lee. see what you don't understand is, i'm ted wingman. it's a sacred bond, much stronger that any... they're making out again!"}, {"x": "weren't you wearing a bra?", "y": "they know us here! you're gonna get us in trouble."}, {"x": "tell me something. do you ask your tailor to leave extra room in the crotch for your huge vag*na?", "y": "you... your vag*na... ted, this chick is crazy. we're leaving."}, {"x": "good idea. let's all go back to my place.", "y": "your place? thanks, but no thanks, 1994 courtney love."}, {"x": "i have a hot tub.", "y": "okay, this place is actually pretty nice."}, {"x": "oh, thanks. you should get one.", "y": "wrong. ted has a classic clean-cut look that never goes out of style season after season, burn."}, {"x": "yeah? well. i think he would look hot with some ink.", "y": "no, he wouldn't."}, {"x": "yes, he would.", "y": "no, he wouldn't."}, {"x": "yuh-huh.", "y": "nuh-uh."}, {"x": "i'm ready to do anything you want by the way. anything. right now.", "y": "ted. who are you gonna side with on this tattoos thing?"}, {"x": "sorry. i used to nanny for those jerks before they fired me. so unfair.", "y": "unfair? i wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids i make up to score with single moms. that's it ted, we're going home. ted? ted, you okay?"}, {"x": "i'm okay. in fact, here's how okay i am. i'm gettin' a tattoo.", "y": "you're not getting a tattoo. it's not you. ted, you are heading down a dark path."}, {"x": "that dark path is my driveway.", "y": "but you need a plan and you need a wingman!"}, {"x": "want to have sex?", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "way ahead of you.", "y": "hey, guys, what's the big emergency? oh and b the w i am never speaking to ted again."}, {"x": "hum. really, never? not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "hum. hum. what?", "y": "ted?"}, {"x": "hmm?", "y": "i came here this morning because... i want to apologize."}, {"x": "apology accepted, barney. as you can see, i do just fine on my own. i don't need a baby-sitter.", "y": "see. all this time, i thought you need a wingman to fly, but the truth is you... you've got your own wings now."}, {"x": "hmm.", "y": "since you and robin split, you've been gestating. growing in your cocoon. and last night... you burst out of that cocoon..., like a majestic, uh... gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? i was always bad at science."}, {"x": "a butterfly? what?", "y": "nothing, buddy."}, {"x": "ow. why did that hurt so...? oh my god! i have a tattoo.", "y": "oh, that's not a tattoo. that, dear boy, is a tramp stamp."}, {"x": "tramp stamp?", "y": "you know, a ho tat. ass antlers. a panama city license plate."}, {"x": "no no no no no no no. give me this.", "y": "oh, yeah, that'll get it out."}, {"x": "it's the same. mostly, except i think i might be getting carpal tunnel. my hands keeps cramping up.", "y": "i think the whole point of getting married was that you didn't have to do that anymore."}, {"x": "yeah. you're writing constantly. there's forms we have to sign, our death folders, thank you notes...", "y": "whoa. whoa. what are death folders?"}, {"x": "i am such a jerk.", "y": "yeah. wait, why?"}, {"x": "number six. yeah. oh, god, i am a bad husband. no, uh, no, i'll just write, i'll write lily a letter tonight, everything'll be fine.", "y": "that's right. unless... you die between now and then. ooh. but, come on, that's never gonna happen."}, {"x": "yes! there is one thing we can state with absolute certainly, it's that marshall eriksen is not going to die before writing that letter.", "y": "no way at all. in fact, i dare god to smite down this perfectly healthy..."}, {"x": "and here i am at the drum circle.", "y": "whoa. are you topless? ted, check this out."}, {"x": "wow. there's a lot of nude people in here.", "y": "you haven't changed, scherbatsky. you're a sophisticated, scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, g*n-toting new yorker."}, {"x": "just shoes and a shirt. that's a look.", "y": "what you are not is a massage-giving, windsurfing, bongo-playing, teetotaling, vegan, peacenik, hippy like you soon to be ex-boyfriend, gael. back me up here, ted."}, {"x": "i'm evolved, and i'm enjoying living my life a little bit closer to the way gael and i did in argentina.", "y": "please, vacation romances have an expiration date. gael's got a \"best if banged by\" sticker on him. once your romance starts to stink, you'll dump his ass down the drain like sour milk and go back to being \"unevolved robin\", the one we actually like. back me up here, ted."}, {"x": "i'm just happy robin's happy.", "y": "i'm telling you, within three days..."}, {"x": "ooh, here he comes. switched to big words.", "y": "within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association."}, {"x": "what are we talking of? baseball?", "y": "this is all gonna returns to masticate you in the gluteals. support my hypotehesis, ted."}, {"x": "my windsurfing board... it had floated away. and the shark... he was getting closer. they say to escape you punch a shark in the nose. but i said... \"brother shark, we are both children from the same earth mother.\" and that's all i remember until the hospital.", "y": "that guy..."}, {"x": "yeah. that guy. look at how easy he has it.", "y": "well. you and me, we have to bend over backwards to get a woman to, well, bend over backwards. but that guy... every woman in the bar is hanging on his every slightly mispronounced word. and why?"}, {"x": "he's better looking than us.", "y": "no. because he's from out of town."}, {"x": "yeah. plus a*t*matic out, you're leaving in a couple of days. god, i wish we were tourists.", "y": "yeah. actually... you know where i've been meaning to visit?"}, {"x": "okay, okay. we're from a small town in the south of france. our plane leaves sunday morning.", "y": "uh, hey, uh, howdy, ladies. hate to bother you. we seem to be a little bit lost. would you happen to know which street the statue of liberty's on?"}, {"x": "oh.", "y": "oh, it's right. and, thank you very... uh, my name is, uh, ignatius peabody nobel, from east westerton, missouri. and this is my friend... ted."}, {"x": "hi, um, i'm colleen.", "y": "hi, colleen."}, {"x": "this is lindsay.", "y": "hi, lindsay."}, {"x": "well, it's just we're leaving sunday morning. it sure would be nice to have some real new yorkers show us around.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "well. we're tonight, but... maybe tomorrow afternoon? atfer lunch?", "y": "well. hotdog! should we... you want to just meet here in front of mac... maclaren's pub?"}, {"x": "we'll see you tomorrow.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "i'm just saying it seems like a kind of bar a lot of cool people would hang out there.", "y": "okay. all right."}, {"x": "i'm gonna go, too.", "y": "this is the easiest date ever. you know what i'm gonna try next? a knock, knock joke."}, {"x": "easiest? somehow we have managed to find the two lamest new yorkers of all time.", "y": "ted, ted, ted. dude."}, {"x": "i'm looking at you. what?", "y": "right. stay with me. we are on the cusp of moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers. ay-o?"}, {"x": "all right, ignatius, one more hour.", "y": "nice. nice. hey, nice."}, {"x": "hey. our friends invited us to a party. you guys want to come along?", "y": "knock, knock."}, {"x": "who's there?", "y": "yes, we do."}, {"x": "hey. if we're going north, why did we cross over the fdr? we should have taken the hudson.", "y": "now he knows all the streets. someone's been watching too many \"steinfield reruns\"."}, {"x": "a hundred... on the south of bronx at this time of night? we're going to get k*lled.", "y": "ted. i think these local new yorkers know more about the city than we do, so relax. we're in very capable hands."}, {"x": "there were three of them, at least two g*ns... they took all our money.", "y": "well. i only had traveler's checks."}, {"x": "you're the best. and maybe a couple polaroids?", "y": "what?! this night couldn't have gone any better. we've just survived a mugging. you know what that means."}, {"x": "\"thank god, we're alive\" sex.", "y": "\"thank god we're alive\" sex. it's even better than \"i can't believe you just proposed to me\" sex, which i've only had, like, four of five times. ted, please, we are so close."}, {"x": "yeah. i just want to celebrate the fact that we survived. you know?", "y": "mmm-mm. me too. so where do you live?"}, {"x": "you guys live in new jersey, not new york?", "y": "theodore."}, {"x": "new jersey?", "y": "teddy?"}, {"x": "oh, no. oh, no.", "y": "oh, no."}, {"x": "because i live here. that's right. i live here. yes, we're full of crap. yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. but you know what's even worse than that?! saying you're a new yorker when you're not. because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a new yorker. so why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the holland tunnel and flush yourselves back to \"pretty much new york\"? because i will do a lot to get laid, but i am not going to new jersey!", "y": "you're not from missouri? well, i will be a monkey's unc..."}, {"x": "ew. can we get a ride?", "y": "hey, um, sir, can we get ride, too?"}, {"x": "no, i'm not. listen, gael, i need to talk to you about something.", "y": "welcome home, scherbatsky."}, {"x": "oh, good to be back. although it's weird, vacation robin popped into my dream again last night.", "y": "listening."}, {"x": "oh my god. barney...oh my god.", "y": "use your words, ted."}, {"x": "ok. barney, i'm about to go for the belt.", "y": "the belt?"}, {"x": "the belt.", "y": "but that's impossible. you were up here less than half an hour ago."}, {"x": "yes, advantage ericksen.", "y": "don't get cocky. wimbledon lasts a fortnight."}, {"x": "what? we agreed, i suited up.", "y": "you take too long to get ready"}, {"x": "yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.", "y": "and then he starts on his hair. ace."}, {"x": "ha ha ha ha. look, are we going or not?", "y": "just go without us, we'll be there in five minutes."}, {"x": "you just made the list, bitch.", "y": "so many questions. firstly, what do you think would happen if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots?"}, {"x": "oh, that's the point. it's to hide the point that i haven't shaved my legs. i've begun a strict no-shave policy for the first three dates. it's all about self-control. if i don't shave, i must behave.", "y": "fyi, it doesn't matter, baby. guys just wanna get on the green. they don't mind going through the rough."}, {"x": "shekwakie.", "y": "stinson."}, {"x": "all right, the beers are here.", "y": "yeah, we're not gonna make it."}, {"x": "oh come on, we agreed...did marshall take his pants off?", "y": "yeah, pants are off."}, {"x": "kazouwee. vanquished, old bean.", "y": "that's 'cause you distracted me. you've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set."}, {"x": "i've got a situation. trudy is here, you know, the pineapple incident.", "y": "you mean, the girl who chalked your pool cue and snuck down the fire escape."}, {"x": "and i don't know which one to go for.", "y": "go for the new girl."}, {"x": "new girl? what new girl?", "y": "two girls are allegedly vying for ted's affections and i think..."}, {"x": "i thought we were in for the evening.", "y": "that's what i thought about your bangers and mash down there but i guess we're both wrong, governor."}, {"x": "it's a tricycle.", "y": "no way, no way, no way!"}, {"x": "well, i'll just say it right now, all sorority girls are sluts.", "y": "put him on speaker."}, {"x": "you actually bought a belt.", "y": "that's right, it's resplendent."}, {"x": "it's just a thing we said, we were kidding around.", "y": "i never kid. remember you said if i ever slept with that girl from days of our lives, i'd be the king? well..."}, {"x": "guys, come on, help me out. what do i do?", "y": "all right, ted, if you're about to go for the belt, then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions. one, is the aggregate age of all the participants under 83?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "two, is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds."}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "theodore mosby, are you paying these women?"}, {"x": "what? no.", "y": "ted?"}, {"x": "no, but fifty will.", "y": "oh, hold on. ted's texting me. we're combing upsars."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i cannot allow ted to do this."}, {"x": "why, why?", "y": "because the belt is my birthright. you can't claim it before i do. that would be like jimmy olsen capturing lex luther while superman watches impotently from the bedroom."}, {"x": "but barney, you've done way dirtier stuff than ted. you're disgusting.", "y": "i've never ridden the tricycle. i was on the verge last year, it was so close."}, {"x": "ok.", "y": "i'll get the video camera."}, {"x": "get out!", "y": "ok then."}, {"x": "wish me luck.", "y": "oh my god."}, {"x": "ted, you're ruining this for everyone.", "y": "leave him alone! sometimes even the greatest warriors sh**t themselves in the foot."}, {"x": "so, barney, why don't we take this party to a more horizontal location?", "y": "oh no, the night's ruined!"}, {"x": "no, baby, it's not.", "y": "yes it is. whatever this night was heading towards is ruined. where's my coat?"}, {"x": "why would you do that to yourself?", "y": "because you get up in your head, man. start thinking, i can't do this. it's two women. that's two of everything, four of some things. the logistics alone are enough to cr*pple even a pro like me."}, {"x": "see? if a complete degenerate like barney choked, what chance do i have?", "y": "the best chance in the world. fear took the belt from me. fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends. but fear will not get a second turn."}, {"x": "it won't?", "y": "no, because i now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt. it is my destiny to help my friend win it. ted is fated to go there first. he is our neil armstrong. space-suit-up, ted, 'cause you're going to the moon. step 1."}, {"x": "why would i want to tire them out?", "y": "that's your excuse to unleash pretext for physical contact number one."}, {"x": "ok, what the hell.", "y": "ok, wait for it."}, {"x": "mortality angle, that's actually pretty good. i can do this.", "y": "yes you can."}, {"x": "i'll see you on the other side.", "y": "so, what happened next? did you do it? ted doesn't seem right to talk about it."}, {"x": "some stories you tell, some stories you don't.", "y": "because you didn't do it. he didn't do it. you did it, you did it, you did it. tell me, did you?"}, {"x": "what do you mean? ted when someone wants to set you up they always tell you the good qualities first but then they leave out their huge flaw.", "y": "she's totally hot and really fun."}, {"x": "hey, you know what, not every setup has a 'but'. what about, um, jamie, that girl that lily set you up with? she was really nice.", "y": "if memory serves me, she had a huge 'but'. her huge butt. nailed it!"}, {"x": "i like sports cars but it doesn't mean i wanna push a ferrari through my vag*na", "y": "shotgun."}, {"x": "you can't blame us for thinking that the kid would be a problem. i mean, if we were friends with garfield, we wouldn't set him up on a date with mondays.", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "but she's a g*n nut.", "y": "but she's canadian."}, {"x": "but she didn't like field of dreams.", "y": "i can't think of anything."}, {"x": "you don't have a 'but'.", "y": "ok, i've got it. here, put on this eye patch."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "the ultimate ice breaker."}, {"x": "so, what are the eye patches for?", "y": "we got bit."}, {"x": "both of us.", "y": "they're different eyes. i don't see why this bugs you. patch up!"}, {"x": "ok, i'm gonna let you in on a little secret. people with real game don't need eye patches.", "y": "oh, theodore..."}, {"x": "yeah, well, i got so much game, i'm cornish game hen.", "y": "oh yeah? i'm the new york state gaming commissioner."}, {"x": "well, i'm the game, well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring michael douglas and sean penn.", "y": "wow."}, {"x": "i may have made some wildly inappropriate h*m* comments to a gentleman wearing your shoes.", "y": "ok, marshall."}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "which one of us has more game?"}, {"x": "neither of you guys has any game, right, or else you'd be married like me.", "y": "what? marshall if dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game."}, {"x": "you're joking. i have mad game, bra.", "y": "ok. one, we agreed not to ever say 'bra' anymore. it was a good week, we had a lot of fun, but it's over. two, you've been with lily for eleven years. you're idea of good game is slapping on a dr. seuss hat and flashing two tickets to a spin doctors concert."}, {"x": "what? i am not irrelevant. i know tons of stuff. i could help you guys. i don't wanna be left out.", "y": "ted, you do not have more game than me. by sheer numbers alone, i win. come on, dude, you've seen my list."}, {"x": "are you a model? that one's good because it's flattering to the girl.", "y": "ted, i challenge you to a picking-up-girls olympiad."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "there will be 26 events spread out over 11 weeks. we will travel to a neutral city where a panel of international judges..."}, {"x": "or we could just choose a girl and the first one to seal the deal wins.", "y": "that's good too."}, {"x": "you're on.", "y": "before we start, why don't we jot down a few basic ground rules?"}, {"x": "rule number two, this bet is for one million dollars.", "y": "i win."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "oh, i slept with her, about a year ago, i just forgot."}, {"x": "oh, well, that doesn't count. the bet started the moment we shook.", "y": "i can't sleep with her again. she hates me."}, {"x": "get out of my way.", "y": "by the look of those shoes, here comes your bathroom buddy."}, {"x": "you see this. game face.", "y": "whatever, ted."}, {"x": "oh, get this, she plays bass in a reggae band. they're having a show this friday. how cool is that?", "y": "oh, does she know that one song? mm-hm chaka, mm-hm chaka. what's that song called? oh, right, it's called every reggae song."}, {"x": "i am not irrelevant. i ran the numbers. if lily and i have sex twice a week, which, let's be honest, we all know is being conservative. and we've been together for ten years plus seventeen more times on the honeymoon. minus the two week drought when i said the checker at the grocery store reminded me of a young lily. then we have had sex a total of...wait for it...", "y": "nice."}, {"x": "one thousand fifty-three and a half times...my mom called once. but that's more times than barney has ever had sex and to your point, ted, lily is a quality girl. i win. lawyered.", "y": "doesn't count."}, {"x": "you're right, it counts. it counts as one. you've had sex once. how was it? marshall i still matter.", "y": "ok, ted, go win the bet. you have my blessing. she's a wonderful girl. i should know."}, {"x": "oh, ok, ok, i see what you're doing.", "y": "we've never shared a woman, have we, ted? isn't that funny? you're with her now, i was with her a year ago. you figure for her, that's like 200 showers ago. you gotta ask yourself, ted, is 200 enough? ted you know what, i don't mind. barney no, of course you don't mind. just like the second guy to climb mt. everest didn't mind getting all the way to the top only to find sir edmund hilary's flagpole thrust into its supple peak."}, {"x": "barney, i'm not afraid of catching your cooties, ok?", "y": "really? ted's not afraid of cooties. ok, well then i guess you'd have no problem having a sip of my gin and tonic."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "and i only stirred that with my pinky."}, {"x": "what do you mean, win? you couldn't even talk to her. you tried, you got slapped.", "y": "that's what you think happened."}, {"x": "ok, great, rule number one no eye patches or props of any...", "y": "here's the deal. my friend just got dumped so he's a little shy but he'd love to buy you a drink and get to know you. the problem is he thinks a pretty girl like you won't go for a guy like him. so would you slap me across the face so he could see you're not into guys who feed you lines? what do you say? for my friend?"}, {"x": "you are so sweet.", "y": "so now, whatever nice things ted does for her, in her mind, i'm the guy who's even nicer than him."}, {"x": "so you never slept with her?", "y": "not even at all."}, {"x": "wow, that's good.", "y": "it gets better. remember ted's phone conversation?"}, {"x": "well., have fun in yoga", "y": "well?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry.", "y": "stacy, right?"}, {"x": "yeah. oh, you're ted's friend from the bar?", "y": "yeah, wait, don't tell me you go to yoga here too?"}, {"x": "i do.", "y": "i'm gonna head out to a reggae concert. i'm a huge fan of reggae."}, {"x": "oh my gosh, i play in a reggae band.", "y": "no way, i wonder why ted didn't tell me about that. like i said, i'm a huge reggae fan."}, {"x": "see you later alligator.", "y": "we are two peas."}, {"x": "you are a sociopath. that was my yoga mat.", "y": "so now with ted out of the picture, i'm gonna swoop in and take the whole thing."}, {"x": "no, no, this doesn't prove anything because...", "y": "hold one, hold on a second. stacy."}, {"x": "oh, there's a stigma. that's why people always say there's no stigma anymore.", "y": "so, she's hot."}, {"x": "oh, she's gorgeous.", "y": "then she's crazy."}, {"x": "no she's not.", "y": "ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet for dudes are crazy, hookers or dudes."}, {"x": "ok, she's not crazy, she's not a hooker, she's not a dude. though there's this guy i pass on my work every day who's all three, scares the crap out of me.", "y": "there's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale."}, {"x": "wait, hot-crazy scale?", "y": "let me illustrate."}, {"x": "ok, so please, just play along with her fake story. we met in a cooking class.", "y": "i don't know, ted, i don't know if i can just play along with your crazy girlfriend's fake story. now, if you had said fake breasts..."}, {"x": "she's not crazy.", "y": "ok, we'll see."}, {"x": "long story short, thank goodness i'm such a bad cook or i never would have met ted.", "y": "it's crazy how cute that is. it's crazy."}, {"x": "no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no. barney and i are not together. no. no.", "y": "really? sixteen no's. really?"}, {"x": "oh, i get it. ted told you i didn't go to college so now you're giving me a cute little backhanded slap.", "y": "oh, here we go."}, {"x": "well, while you were busy majoring in being freaking beautiful, i was starting my own line of handbags.", "y": "your own line of handbags? that's crazy."}, {"x": "you know what else is a good story, how barney and i met. barney, tell that story, right now. please.", "y": "ok, ted, this is a crazy story. you're gonna love it."}, {"x": "oh, i'm sorry about that.", "y": "no, it's ok. i have to take care of him now. of course, i have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but i'm happy to. he's my brother and i love him. i'm sorry, it's all still so fresh."}, {"x": "oh man, i'm really sorry.", "y": "wow, you bought that?"}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "are you a total idiot, ted?"}, {"x": "well, i'm still having this conversation, so... barney well played.", "y": "i like you ted."}, {"x": "oh right, hi.", "y": "lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't go with your suit."}, {"x": "i'm not wearing a suit.", "y": "lesson two, get a suit. sutis are cool. exhibit a."}, {"x": "hi, my name is audrey. nice to meet you", "y": "he doesn't sign. he's embarrassed by his hands. they're tiny and lady-like."}, {"x": "i'm edward. nice to meet you too.", "y": "what? you are over your hand issues. it's about time."}, {"x": "here. call me.", "y": "and even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number, i knew that ted and i would be each other's wingmen forever."}, {"x": "he's lying to you. just give him a fake number.", "y": "great, funny. god, with a wingman like ted, i might need to resort to meeting someone in a super desperate and lame way, like online. online. online."}, {"x": "ok, yes, i told them, but it's not a big deal. lots of people meet on the internet. that whole seeing a stranger across a crowded room thing, that only happens in the movies.", "y": "yeah, that never happens. oh wait, except you and robin. that's how you guys met, right?"}, {"x": "come on, blah-blah, it's not like that.", "y": "well, we're closing in on the half. let's see how blah-blah's doing on the crazy-hot scale."}, {"x": "no, no no no no no no no no no no no.", "y": "how much fun is this? all of us reminiscing about how we met me? robin, have i told you how i met marshall? robin yeah, like five or six times."}, {"x": "this is barney, i met him the other day. he's kind of a jackass.", "y": "i'm teaching ted how to live, and lucky you, i have room for one more student. think of me as yoda, only instead of being little and green, i wear suits and i'm awesome. i'm your bro. i'm bro-da. and tonight you are gonna use the force to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed."}, {"x": "you're gonna use force? 'cause that sounds wrong, bro-da.", "y": "no, the force. it's a star wars reference."}, {"x": "i'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.", "y": "yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. look at her."}, {"x": "you know what, i don't care. i've been with one woman for too long. i need me some strange.", "y": "yes, yes, pep talk. you can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. you're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you. so, remember, tonight isn't about scoring, it's about believing that you can do it even though you probably can't. go get him, tiger."}, {"x": "for like a week after, barney followed me around, asking me to teach him how to live. i even got him to do my laundry once.", "y": "i thought it was a mr. miyagi kind of thing."}, {"x": "and i'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.", "y": "worst superheroes ever."}, {"x": "another girl, ted? who haven't you made out with? you know what, i don't need this. i design handbags. i'm writing a memoir. i'm a superstar. this is totally my year. someday the name blah-blah will be up in lights. ted, next time you're online playing world of warcraft, don't even think about chatting with me.", "y": "world of warcraft? the online role playing game? that's how you two met online?"}, {"x": "oh my god! i can't believe it!", "y": "i have big news!"}, {"x": "oh my god!", "y": "okay. my thing's pretty huge. but fine, you can go first."}, {"x": "okay, i just found out...", "y": "i just find a p*rn starring ted mosby!"}, {"x": "what are you... what you're talking about?", "y": "i'm talking about welcome to the sex plane, and look who plays the navigator, ted mosby"}, {"x": "oh my god. this totally explains the thing at my doctor's the other day.", "y": "all right. let's meet your new doppelganger. or should i say doppel banger."}, {"x": "this is really bizarre. the only other famous mosby i know was a confederate general during the civil w*r.", "y": "probably not the same guy."}, {"x": "yeah, it really is.", "y": "oh, hey, hey-o. new guy entering the cockpit. could it be the navigator, ted mosby."}, {"x": "uh, no. no, navigators have three stripes on their hats. captains have four. that guy's a captain.", "y": "yeah, and i'm sure complete accuracy in all those details was very important to the directors... \"dirt and skank, the raunch brothers\"."}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "and i found a p*rn starring ted mosby."}, {"x": "oh my god, that's amazing!", "y": "i know, right?"}, {"x": "oh, congratulations, marshall!", "y": "congratulation for us all."}, {"x": "oh, let's go celebrate.", "y": "the fact that i found a p*rn starring a guy named ted mosby... let's do it!"}, {"x": "apparently you can.", "y": "ted, ted, ted, guy in the hat! three stripes, ladies and gentlemen, i give you ted mosby, p*rn star."}, {"x": "i know what kind of plane this is. it's a \"boing\".", "y": "see, this is way better than marshall's intership."}, {"x": "oh yeah. a little bit. yeah.", "y": "more around the eyes."}, {"x": "ah, ah, very funny, wendy. now we know you watch p*rn. this ted mosby must be getting kind of famous.", "y": "hmm. you're not wrong. according to the web site, of the far superior ted mosby... he's been in the business three months, and he's made 125 movies."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. stop. i can't do this with a straight face. you don't want to work here. you're only here 'cause your dad went to high school with joe hewitt. fact is, you just got a sweet job at the nrdc. and it's awesome. man, i could have gone the non-profit route. i didn't. and it eats me up inside every day. i hate myself. i hate myself.", "y": "oh, he is good. classic seduction technique."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "oh, i use it all the time. first i buy her... and by her i mean you... a drink. now, i'm the guy who gets her what she wants. then i pretend to care about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. for you, that would be the enviroment. now, i'm the great guy who shares her interests. and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment, shouting \"oh-oh bar-r-r-ne-e-y\"! and by you, i mean her."}, {"x": "he is not trying to seduce me. he didn't even offer me the job.", "y": "that comes later. at dinner. he did invite you to dinner, didn't he?"}, {"x": "oh, you should go. i mean, you're not gonna take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.", "y": "don't wait up."}, {"x": "hmm. wait, are you telling me that they actually have conventions for p*rn?", "y": "affirmative. or to put in another way... god bless america."}, {"x": "yeah i thought i was gonna get married to my last boyfriend but, boy, did that guy have commitment issues! that whole relationships, that 3 weeks of my life i'll never get back.", "y": "well, i love commitment. i wish i could marry commitment."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "so perky and full of life and not at all fake."}, {"x": "you're talking about her boobs, right?", "y": "c! and that wasn't spanish, that was cup size! what up!"}, {"x": "so these boobs...", "y": "mmmm..."}, {"x": "paint me a word picture.", "y": "all right, ted. imagine the heads of two irish babies. let's call them.. and"}, {"x": "well, clearly i wasn't!", "y": "pay up! p*ssy!"}, {"x": "oh, they're on vacation in france for 2 weeks.", "y": "i see. between you and me, i'm also interested in this apartment. so is there any way i could come back later and check it out while you'rte showing them other places?"}, {"x": "are you serious? you're trying to sneak this apartment away from marshall and lily?", "y": "ted, do you think i have no morals whatsoever? i simply want to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment so i can nail her once and never have to see her again. i'm not a monster!"}, {"x": "wait! that cork is the size of a softball and you're pointing it directly at wendy the waitress's face.", "y": "welcome to my humble abode."}, {"x": "this place is so nice.", "y": "ah, make yourself at home. please get comfortable. if you see something you like, just take it."}, {"x": "who are these people?", "y": "uh... that's my parents."}, {"x": "they're asian.", "y": "yeah! they're a chinese couple that wanted a white baby, it works both ways. cookie?"}, {"x": "wow! did you make those?", "y": "you got me. my sisters taught me how to bake and how to listen."}, {"x": "wow, i feel so at home here.", "y": "i'm glad. sometimes, i don't. a place like this really needs a lady of the house. i know it's early to be thinking of you as... oh, god, i'm freaking you out, aren't i? it's just you make me feel so safe. i didn't...\""}, {"x": "okay, let me get this straight. you just snuck this girl into some stranger's apartment?", "y": "yeah, we spent the night."}, {"x": "i'm wearing your bathrobe. i hope you don't mind.", "y": "the only thing missing from that bathrobe are your initials."}, {"x": "my mom's gonna be in town next week. it's okay if she stays with us?", "y": "only if she sleeps in the bed and i sleep on the couch."}, {"x": "you're so sweet.", "y": "i love you. there, i said it and i'm not taking it back."}, {"x": "oh my god! i love you too. i'm finally not the first one to say it!", "y": "how about you get in the shower, and i will make us some waffles."}, {"x": "wait. that time that you offered to walk my dogs when i went to visit my dad in vancouver...", "y": "yup!"}, {"x": "is that why my yorkie trembled for like a week after i got back?", "y": "yeah. that little guy saw some stuff i'm not proud of."}, {"x": "a water bott.", "y": "don't touch the evidence. i got your back partner."}, {"x": "ew, that was on the floor.", "y": "if you wwant to get to the bottom of this, you're gonna need a stronger stomach than that, doll face."}, {"x": "and then marshall tried to storm out... but lily went for the hail marpass.", "y": "what do you think, make obsess?"}, {"x": "nice catch, robin.", "y": "i'll just, uh, take this down to the lab.."}, {"x": "bup bup bup bup bup... theres's only one possible conclusion. lily and marshall are fighting about peanut butter.", "y": "ah!"}, {"x": "i know what they were fighting about, and it wasn't peanut butter.", "y": "robin, just..."}, {"x": "i appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is robin, not batman.", "y": "just..."}, {"x": "they were fighting because they didn't get the loan and it's all lily's fault.", "y": "robin, just..."}, {"x": "this can't be happening.", "y": "they can't... get divorced."}, {"x": "yeah, it is. it's weird.", "y": "the world needs marshall and lily... together... i'm not crying, there's something in my eye."}, {"x": "we have an annoucement.", "y": "i know, it's a terrible idea. you can't do it. just look at me."}, {"x": "wow, guys! you scared us.", "y": "oh, thank god. cause, i mean, if you did then who'd be the lame married couple i get to make fun of? like 'hey marshall, you're married mrs right, you just didn't know her first name was always.' that stuff is cold."}, {"x": "colonel stuck-in-my-teeth.", "y": "i gotta go."}, {"x": "yeah, this is gonna be the best slapsgiving ever.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry,sometimes i forget how seriously you guys take american thanksgiving. real thanksgiving happened over a month ago.", "y": "i'm sorry. did you just say canadian thanksgiving was and i'm quoting,\"the real thanksgiving\"? what do canadians even have to celebrate about?"}, {"x": "canadian thanksgiving celebrates explorer martin frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the northwest passage.", "y": "why are you guys even a country?"}, {"x": "oh, hey, by the way, if anyone wants to come over early thursday, we can watch the slapsgiving day parade.", "y": "well, there, you said it again."}, {"x": "said what?", "y": "slapsgiving."}, {"x": "slapcountdown.com.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "how many days are in october?", "y": "uh, thirty."}, {"x": "is also tomorrow.", "y": "damn it!"}, {"x": "slapsgiving.", "y": "that's not allowed. lily, you're the slap bet commissioner, is that allowed?"}, {"x": "the hostess in me who's using her wedding china for the first time wants to say hell, no, but yeah, i 'm going to allow it.", "y": "well, you know what? if you're trying to freak me out about spending thanksgiving..."}, {"x": "slapsgiving.", "y": "...at your place, then you failed. truth is, i'm not scared."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "right. cause you blew it. the worst part about getting slapped is not knowing when it's going to happen. but now i know exactly when i'm gonna get slapped. so, you took all the suspense out. you showed your hand."}, {"x": "how are you guys not seeing this? he's 150; robin's 27. barney, come on,what do you got?", "y": "nothing but respect for that man."}, {"x": "i'm going to make a phone call. hey, it's me. listen, you have to come over here and make pies.", "y": "yeah, i'll be there, absolutely."}, {"x": "oh, awesome, you're a lifesaver. it's still kind of weird being alone with robin, but if you were here...", "y": "hey, say no more. i mean, when i pulled you out of that burning wreckage, i wasn't doing it to have a battleship named after me. but if you insist, yes, i'll be there for the christening."}, {"x": "you're hitting on someone right now, aren't you?", "y": "no, i'm not going to wear the medal of honor. that would just be tacky."}, {"x": "so you're not coming to make pies.", "y": "no, no. thank you, mr. president. sorry."}, {"x": "in a minute, baby. i've only got so many hands. you see what i got going on here? they're turkeys, but they're also hands, because later, we're going to eat turkey... and then i'm going to slap you in your face.", "y": "please, you took out all the suspense. in a horror movie, the k*ller does not grab a bullhorn and announce, \"attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house at precisely 300 a.m., i'm gonna jump out of that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. p.s. fire is my one weakness.\""}, {"x": "i mean, you can't talk about how close you used to be. you can't talk about how close you're not now. you just feel like everything you say is gonna make things worse.", "y": "exactly. and you know why? because you don't want to hurt someone you really care about, especially around the holidays. i mean, what decent human being would want to cause any kind of emotional or physical pain..."}, {"x": "remember last year's thanksgiving, when we had sex seven times?", "y": "ooh. terrible."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "she's got you making pies for this guy?"}, {"x": "horrible idea.", "y": "relapse five! that's where we high-five, then it's awkward for a little bit... and then we high-five again!"}, {"x": "you know what? that's it! this is thanksgiving. solve this right now. and if you have sex again, neither of you gets dessert! oh, what the hell kind of thanksgiving is this anyway?", "y": "um, most thanksgivings."}, {"x": "oh, my! look at that. that means we're in the final hour of the countdown.", "y": "i'm not scared."}, {"x": "then why is your right cheek twitching? it's not... maybe it's because future me slaps future you so hard, it reverberates back to the present, shattering the time-slap continuum.", "y": "please don't slap me."}, {"x": "i'm sorry, what?", "y": "oh, god! don't slap me again! i don't want to get slapped again, and the first two times hurt so bad, i don't like it! i don't like it one bit!"}, {"x": "i thought i ruined it by putting a clock on it, barney?", "y": "well, you didn't ruin it; you made it so much worse! i can't eat. i can't sleep. i've lost ten pounds; my suits are wearing me. you know what? i'm outta here."}, {"x": "well, no, no, no. you can't leave.", "y": "why can't i?! nowhere in the rules does it say that i have to sit through sort of mental t*rture! you are allowed to slap my face, sir, but you are not allowed to slap my mind! good day!"}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "yes! in your face! not my face... your face!"}, {"x": "happy thanksgiving.", "y": "marshall, you're not eating. did something spoil your slap-petite?"}, {"x": "oh, no...", "y": "i thought we were done with that?"}, {"x": "guess we're not.", "y": "hey, check it out! we're in the last 20 seconds of marshall's countdown to nothing."}, {"x": "barney, put it away.", "y": "how does it feel, marshall,to sit there, impotently... your large, flaccid hand,just dangling in the wind?"}, {"x": "the slap will occur in ten..", "y": "ooh, classy touch, dude. too bad!"}, {"x": "...six...", "y": "i will in... five..."}, {"x": "...three...", "y": "what?! wait, you..."}, {"x": "i have a tattoo!", "y": "oh, that's not a tattoo. that, dear boy, is a tramp stamp!"}, {"x": "dr stella zinman. she's the best in the business. and she's rather cute in fact. in fact... we're going to a movie together tonight.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "ted, why would you do that?", "y": "what's matter with you?"}, {"x": "what? what do you mean?", "y": "dude... don't poop where you eat."}, {"x": "and in this case, you're paying them... then yes, it counts.", "y": "you've heard of the golden rule, right? \"love their neighbor?\""}, {"x": "uh, actually, it's \"do unto others as you would have them do unto you.\" it's from the bible.", "y": "damn it ted, i've worked out this whole thing where the golden rule is \"love thy neighbor\", ok?... now the golden rule is \"love thy neigbor\". but, there's one rule above it the platinum rule \"never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor.\""}, {"x": "oh, yeah, and remember what happened with us and the gerards across the hall?", "y": "need i remind you about me and wendy the waitress?"}, {"x": "yeah, i don't have time for this. i'm out the door as soon as i'm finished with my hair.", "y": "good, then we've got a solid half hour. and in that time, we will convince you not to set foot out that door. it's a story older than time, my friend, and it always plays out in the same eight steps. step 1 attraction."}, {"x": "that's not even possible.", "y": "12 of them."}, {"x": "here's your gin and tonic.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "hockey.", "y": "the attraction is instant and undeniable."}, {"x": "we're not gonna date them. we're just gonna be friends with them.", "y": "that's the couples version of dating."}, {"x": "and you've got the couples version of the hots for them. oh, yeah, you want to browse at pottery barn with them. you want to go antiquing with them, don't you? oh, yeah, you want to antique the crap out of them.", "y": "need i remind you what happened with me and wendy the waitress?"}, {"x": "no! don't do it!", "y": "request denied! what rule is there that say's i can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?"}, {"x": "yeah, with some sort of catchy name.", "y": "well, i don't. i don't have one and i never will be because it's a great idea. come on, guys! she's gullible. i'm bored. we're perfect for each other."}, {"x": "don't k*ll the bar, dude.", "y": "yeah, well... i think it'll be okay."}, {"x": "yeah, well... i think it'll be okay.", "y": "ted, trust me. you don't want to do this."}, {"x": "we're just seeing a movie. if it seems at all weird, i'll back off.", "y": "that's what everyone thinks and then along comes step 3 submission."}, {"x": "hey barney! carl had to take off. you mind giving me a hand?", "y": "not at all."}, {"x": "that was an intersting use of the beverage g*n.", "y": "club soda can get anything off."}, {"x": "it finally happened, all this time, every drink i brought you... i always felt there was this unspoken connection between us. and i was right!", "y": "hey, can i get a gin and tonic?"}, {"x": "see, i bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic.", "y": "oh, i paid for it."}, {"x": "but you got to admit, there is an upside to breaking the platinum rule. like maybe as her boyfrien, i could get a discount on treatments.", "y": "oh, ted, of course there's an upside. at first, that's step 4 perks."}, {"x": "we can split a cab to work together. we always have a standing lunch date. and last night, at the hockey game, curt got us into the locker room, and i met mason raymond. left wing for the vancouver canucks.", "y": "what the opposite of name-dropping?"}, {"x": "say we want to play a game of charades...", "y": "you just go across the hall?"}, {"x": "come on people, get excited for us! we've got a great thing going here.", "y": "that's what i thought."}, {"x": "dude, you got to flick it.", "y": "you don't have..."}, {"x": "hi, sweetie. i had the kitchen whip these up, no charge. okay. bye. i mean, not bye. i'm not leaving. i'll be over there. okay.", "y": "come on, guys, free nachos. what?"}, {"x": "you're k*lling the bar.", "y": "i'm not k*lling the bar. wendy the waitress has seen how i operate in this place. it is perfectly clear to everyone involved that this is nothing more than a temporary fling. it's fiiine."}, {"x": "but it wasn't.", "y": "which brings us to step 5 the tipping point."}, {"x": "on my suggestion, you...", "y": "hey, wendy, uh, do me a favor and send a glass of champagne to that pretty young girl over there."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "over there... you... you're the pretty young thing...is what i meant. champagne? would you? on me."}, {"x": "oh, okay, thanks sweetie.", "y": "okay. all right."}, {"x": "what do you say?", "y": "which brings to step 6."}, {"x": "yeah, listen i'm leaving so if you want to write the rest of these down, i will read it tomorrow.", "y": "don't do this ted."}, {"x": "dude! ya! it was perfect! you're such a jerk!", "y": "which brings us to step 6. you finally realize you've made a huge mistake and now you have to live with it. step 6 is called purg... wait for it. keep waiting. keep waiting for the eternity only to dicover there's no escap-atory."}, {"x": "ro! we are such idiots!", "y": "yeah!"}, {"x": "\"hey neighbor!\" \"hey, neighbor\"\"hey neighbor.\"", "y": "i remember that."}, {"x": "we said \"don't do it!\"", "y": "tss"}, {"x": "you've got a whole meat locker at home full of corpses, don't you?", "y": "now look at me. declawed. neutered. what was once my jungle is now my zoo and i am forced to mate with the same old lioness again, and again, and again while families pay to watch."}, {"x": "yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart.", "y": "put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly kids, for i am just a docile housecat now. miaou!"}, {"x": "don't k*ll the bar dude.", "y": "i don't like you."}, {"x": "we're getting a little sick of charades.", "y": "i mean, i don't like you that way. i used to like you that way but now that i've seen everything there is to see, i don't know, i kind of want to see those same parts just on other girls."}, {"x": "maybe we should just go back to being neighbors.", "y": "other girls and you, if you're into that but the other girls have to be there, too. that's the important part."}, {"x": "gosh, you're just terrified of ever getting close to anyone, aren't you?", "y": "or that. let's say it's that. so can i get a gin and tonic?"}, {"x": "barney, i just want you to know, i have no hard feelings. it wasn't the best idea for us to get involved. i hope we can still be friends.", "y": "thanks wendy. of course we can."}, {"x": "waouh. i've got to hand it to wendy the waitress that was very mature of her.", "y": "she's gonna try to k*ll me. this is poisoned."}, {"x": "what? you're being ridiculous.", "y": "yours is poisoned too. she's trying to k*ll me and everyone close to me."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "ted! look at the facts. i dump her and she says \"no hard feelings\". she's a psycho! what other explanation is there?"}, {"x": "uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy so you don't have to face the far more likely possibility that she doesn't want to date you either?", "y": "where did marshall get that hamburger?"}, {"x": "i don't know, i guess wendy the waitress brought it to him.", "y": "noooooooo!"}, {"x": "dude.", "y": "you're welcome."}, {"x": "wait a second. you've been sitting here, pretending to be the expert on all this, but the truth is, this was no real fallout from your breakup at all?", "y": "yet."}, {"x": "all right, i'm taking off.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you're such a jerk!", "y": "ted, have you not been listening? attraction, bargaining, submission, perks, tipping point, purgatory, confrontation, fallout! these things will all happen to you as surely as they happened to all of us! it's a rule of nature."}, {"x": "apparently, there's a rule that says i can't date stella.", "y": "exactly, the platinum rule. stella reads my blog."}, {"x": "sloppy joe, shrimp cocktail and a milk shake.", "y": "ted, do you know how long it takes a woman to decide whether or not she's going to sleep with a guy? 8.3 seconds. after that, her decision is made. she will not change her mind."}, {"x": "that's ridiculous.", "y": "is it? describe your first 8.3 seconds with stella."}, {"x": "give me ten sessions, i'm going to turn that \"no\" into a \"yes.\"", "y": "really, ted? you think so? well, tell me, how did the rest of that session go?"}, {"x": "still no. what's up with that? i mean, i juggled.", "y": "you juggled? i thought you were trying to impress her."}, {"x": "you do magic. how is juggling any lamer than magic?", "y": "magic's not lame."}, {"x": "i don't get it. i mean...", "y": "is this lame?"}, {"x": "barney...", "y": "i..."}, {"x": "we've talked about this. it's a fire code violation.", "y": "yeah, but ted provoked me."}, {"x": "no, no, you are on a time-out. go sit over there.", "y": "but..."}, {"x": "i got four sessions left. ther-there's got to be an angle i'm not seeing.", "y": "you can't turn a \"no\" into a \"yes,\" ted. can't be done."}, {"x": "i don't know, barney. i mean, sometimes persistence pays off. i said \"yes\" eventually.", "y": "no, you didn't. you were like, \"no, we can't, we're friends. it would mess up the dynamic of the group.\""}, {"x": "to ted.", "y": "oh, right."}, {"x": "the receptionist. that's my way in.", "y": "i like this. seduce the receptionist. that's a great plan."}, {"x": "that's not the plan. and how would that help me with stella?", "y": "who?"}, {"x": "i'm not gonna nail the receptionist.", "y": "ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. somebody's gotta nail the receptionist."}, {"x": "no. i like stella.", "y": "okay, i'm gonna stop you right there, ted. your little stella is not so perfect."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "i went down there and checked her out for myself. yeah. and while i was down there, i discovered that she had a secret, a terrible... terrible secret."}, {"x": "what? what is it?", "y": "hold on, i gotta pee. okay, i'm back. what's going on at work?"}, {"x": "what's the big secret?!", "y": "oh. oh, right."}, {"x": "sure, what's it regarding?", "y": "oh, i just want to see her. want to look at her, see what she looks like."}, {"x": "i-i don't understand.", "y": "i'm sorry, did i accidentally oprima numero dos when i called? do you speak english? i want to see her!"}, {"x": "sir, please don't yell at me because when people yell at me, i have a tendency to start crying.", "y": "what are your credentials?!"}, {"x": "please don't do that. please.", "y": "i want to know who am i speaking with!"}, {"x": "folliculaphilia?", "y": "folliculaphilia."}, {"x": "what is that?", "y": "ted, your perfect woman can only be attracted to men with moustaches."}, {"x": "that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard. that's not real.", "y": "you're right, ted. i'm just making that up."}, {"x": "why? just why?", "y": "y-you don't remember?"}, {"x": "you sabotaged my next to last chance with stella for ten dollars?", "y": "i know. i would've done it for free. but, no. you owe me ten bucks."}, {"x": "that's because in the past, we were just guessing. this year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. this isn't march madness. this is march meticulously thought-outness.", "y": "your team lost 20 minutes ago."}, {"x": "you okay, barney?", "y": "something strange is going on. i was down at the hardware store trying to get a little somethin' somethin'."}, {"x": "wait. you go to the hardware store to pick up girls?", "y": "there are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves."}, {"x": "of course there are.", "y": "single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch."}, {"x": "you could not be more evil.", "y": "sorry. five. recently widowed. so, i'm talking to this girl..."}, {"x": "single girl, mid-twenties, looking for a canine replacement for the boyfriend who just dumped her. instead, finds barney.", "y": "god bless you, ted. you're reading my blog."}, {"x": "i'm really bored at work.", "y": "i'd call your ex a dog, but that would be an insult to little ladybug here."}, {"x": "oh, i want to take her home right now.", "y": "not without a chew toy from uncle barney first. and when i got back... i'm sorry,i'm already spoiling her but diamond in the rough... could your heart just melt?"}, {"x": "jerk!", "y": "weird, right? yeah. the same thing happened last week at the museum."}, {"x": "ooh, ooh, ooh!", "y": "lily."}, {"x": "you pretend to be a struggling young artist who needs a new muse.", "y": "no. marshall."}, {"x": "you're a millionaire art thief casing the joint for a thrill money can no longer give you!", "y": "oh. no. robin."}, {"x": "you're going blind, and you're trying to soak up all the beauty in the world before the darkness descends.", "y": "bingo! so, i was talking to this girl..."}, {"x": "i'm so sorry.", "y": "my god, you are beautiful. how about i get you a headset so you can see with your ears like i do? i couldn't have been gone more than 20 seconds, but when i came back... hmm.you know, i also love the smell of great art."}, {"x": "maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.", "y": "oh, really? then why am i not in prison for perjury? but i don't want to talk about work. something weird is going on here."}, {"x": "you never gonna believe what just happened.", "y": "who was that, um, guy from mash? the main guy. what...? hawkeye from mash. how can i be blanking on this?"}, {"x": "alan alda?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "hey, a word of advice? that guy you were talking to, barney stinson... i know he seems charming, but he's just saying whatever it takes to get in your pants. sleeping with barney was the biggest mistake of my life.", "y": "oh, my god. where is she?"}, {"x": "she must have left. she...", "y": "well, she-she said i hooked up with her? what was her name? what did she look like?"}, {"x": "she didn't say her name, but she had blonde hair, boobs. kind of trashy.", "y": "dead in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair?"}, {"x": "yes!", "y": "that's all of them. okay. stay calm. let's think this through. one of the girls who i lied to, seduced and abandoned is trying to ruin my life. shouldn't be too hard to figure out which one it is. oh, dear god!"}, {"x": "it's karma.", "y": "nah, it's not karma. she's stripping in vegas. plus, we're good."}, {"x": "look, if you want to figure out who it is, why don't you just start by checking your list?", "y": "my list? dude, do not pretend you're not the kind of guy who keeps a list of all the girls he's slept with."}, {"x": "come on, let's see the list.", "y": "ted, don't be crass. i would never demean the women that i've slept with by putting their names on some tawdry list."}, {"x": "how many of these girls know they're being photographed?", "y": "all of them, but only about half buy a copy on the way out."}, {"x": "oh, lily, come on, lighten up. i mean, any girl who's gonna be with a guy like barney and do this or that, or this and that, or do this with those in that... i mean, she should have known what she was getting into.", "y": "absolutely. and what i do with these women should be between me and them. and you guys. and heloise. she helped me do the decoupage."}, {"x": "i don't know, barney. i don't recognize any of these women. i mean, some minor celebrities, one government official, and what appears to be a national fast food chain mascot.", "y": "this is impossible. there's too many girls. how the hell am i gonna narrow this down?"}, {"x": "oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!", "y": "okay, okay, everybody! hands."}, {"x": "damn it!", "y": "okay, toss up. \"thought i was jorge posada,\" or \"you have my dead wife's kidney?\""}, {"x": "she bought yankees season tickets to watch him play!", "y": "that's true..."}, {"x": "i was there. trust me. it's fake baby.", "y": "down to the sweet 16. and coming out of the upper west side, we have the number three seed, \"girl who thought i owned google,\" up against the number seven seed, \"girl who thought i was a scuba instructor.\""}, {"x": "she got the bends!", "y": "yeah, she did."}, {"x": "barney, you're the tiebreaker.", "y": "i'm going with evil twin."}, {"x": "you're kidding me!", "y": "sorry, but i did sleep with that girl twice. as barney and larney. okay, we're down to the final four. what do you think, people? come on, dig deep."}, {"x": "is that the blackboard from my classroom?", "y": "come on! marshall?"}, {"x": "i'm tired and sad.", "y": "mosby?"}, {"x": "i want to call my mom, just tell her i love her.", "y": "okay. then this is as far as we get. the final four. it's got to be meg, anna, kate or holly. we are gonna track these girls down, and you're going to tell me which one approached you at the bar."}, {"x": "you guys stole my blackboard!", "y": "okay, there's her building. when she comes out, i'm gonna hide, and once you figure out if she's the girl from the bar, we run like hell."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "what do you mean \"no\"?"}, {"x": "that woman, like every woman in your final four, deserves an apology, and i'm not telling you if she's the one until hear you say, \"i'm sorry.\"", "y": "are you nuts? that would involve me speaking to a woman i've already had sex with, which, frankly, is a little t like changing the oil in a rental car."}, {"x": "barney, you're doing this.", "y": "lily, this girl hates me. i hooked up with her in an apartment i was pretending was my own, told her i loved her, and then ditched her there. she got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail. oh, crap, there she is! if she sees me, she's gonna k*ll me!"}, {"x": "okay, here's what we're gonna do. hey, meg! over here! look who it is! yo old friend meg barney! barney?", "y": "if she kills me, i want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the east river."}, {"x": "what are you doing here?", "y": "look, meg, we need to talk."}, {"x": "it was all my fault. i know it was, baby. i just came on too strong.", "y": "and i forgive you. i love you."}, {"x": "no! what's the matter with you? get off of him! look, she's not the one, but you still owe her an apol...", "y": "so you remember who this one is, right?"}, {"x": "yes. you told her you were ted and that you were an architect.", "y": "right, and if you recall, her computer had a web cam and a t-1 line, so i..."}, {"x": "yeah, i know, barney, you showed me. and that still doesn't count as a christmas present. so go over there and apologize.", "y": "ah, there she is."}, {"x": "ooh and she's holding hot coffee. maybe she'll throw it in your face.", "y": "you're really enjoying this, aren't you?"}, {"x": "i'm making a scrapbook.", "y": "anna, hi."}, {"x": "look who it is, mr. big sh*t architect. if you're here to ask me to take down the web site, forget it.", "y": "what web site?"}, {"x": "ted-mosby-is-a-jerk-dot-com.", "y": "you're right, i do deserve that. that's all i came here to say. you know what? i don't care who knows about it. excuse me. excuse me. i, ted mosby, am a jerk to women. tell your sisters. tell your daughters to stay away! ted-mosby-is-a-jerk-dot-com."}, {"x": "okay, which one is this again?", "y": "she's..."}, {"x": "larney! die!", "y": "is it her?"}, {"x": "smile.", "y": "you look good. have you lost weight?"}, {"x": "that is the worst thing you've ever done. that's the worst thing anyone has ever done.", "y": "but in my defense, she was kind of annoying."}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "holly."}, {"x": "and if you ditching holly in the woods made her stop running around with guys like you, then cheers.", "y": "well then, to the last fourth of july weekend i'll spend getting eaten alive by mosquitoes."}, {"x": "we ruined their lives. and the worst part of it is that you didn't apologize to any of those women.", "y": "no, the worst part is that we still have no idea who my stalker is."}, {"x": "well, that's because you're going about this all wrong. i mean, why chase someone who's following you? all you need to do is go down to the bar, hit on someone, and wait until she turns up.", "y": "that's not a bad idea."}, {"x": "no. look, i can do this, okay? i mean, how else are you going to find out who this girl is.", "y": "i'm in."}, {"x": "...she knows what you look like, so just hang out at the jukebox, and don't draw any attention to yourself. and the guys will be in the booth, just pretending to have a normal conversation.", "y": "talking, we should be talking. words. here are words. why is this so hard? laughter!"}, {"x": "i just, uh.... shh, go away. but come back later. and then barney will make his move.", "y": "hey, there, how are you doing?"}, {"x": "fine, barney. i mean, um, fine, stranger.", "y": "wow, you really are awful at this, aren't you?"}, {"x": "get your hand off my thigh, barney.", "y": "it's supposed to look like we're about to hook up, robin."}, {"x": "you know i'm curious. what do you say to these girls to get them to come home with you?", "y": "usually i just lean in and whisper this one thing in their ear. you're a little turned on right now, aren't you?"}, {"x": "no. oh. look, somebody's watching us. make your move to the bathroom.", "y": "uh, i'm going to go to the bathroom now, but, uh, when i come back we'll go to my place and have sex."}, {"x": "i don't know what to do with my hands. what do i normally do with my hands? barney. i brought a copy of the bracket. which one is she?", "y": "i don't recognize her. she's not on the top 64."}, {"x": "are you okay?", "y": "i don't even recognize her. i don't remember you. i've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that i've slept with and all the horrible things that i have done to them. and i have done some horrible things. i mean, at one point, i'm pretty sure i sold a woman. i didn't speak the language, but i shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a mercedes, and i left her there. i'm the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all of the women i have slept with, but i never thought i was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. so from the bottom of my heart, for whatever i did to you, i apologize."}, {"x": "oh, barney! oh, i'm so proud of you. that's not her. i'm so sorry.", "y": "what? what?"}, {"x": "barney, i'm sorry, that's my friend sally from work. we just ran into each other.", "y": "so i apologized for nothing?"}, {"x": "a new car!", "y": "ted, this is new york city... you're never gonna drive it. this is a really, really stupid purchase, and i'm sorry, but none of us can support it. shotgun for eternity!"}, {"x": "you can't call shotgun for eternity.", "y": "i just called it."}, {"x": "you can't just call things, barney.", "y": "i call that i can call things!"}, {"x": "oh, baby, i'm so sorry.", "y": "what, that's it? you're upset because a guy talked loudly near you?"}, {"x": "come on, when's the last time you got screamed at at work?", "y": "i got screamed at three times today. once in korean. this is corporate america, marshall. screaming is a motivational tool, like christmas bonuses or sexual harassment. it's just good business."}, {"x": "all of it. the fact that i became a lawyer to save the environment, and now i'm working for the bad guys instead. the fact that i am stuck in this job because of a mortgage i can barely afford on an apartment that is crooked. the fact that i am a grown man, and nobody, not even a*tillery arthur, has the right to talk to me like that!", "y": "dude i can't believe you cried in front of your boss."}, {"x": "and the worst thing is, tomorrow morning i have to walk into arthur's office and give him the ninja report.", "y": "ooh. ooh. ninjas are cool."}, {"x": "it's great to fantasize about, but nobody ever actually does it.", "y": "gary blauman did it. guy i used to work with, the guy's a legend now. we were at the morning meeting and old blauman was getting reamed out but good."}, {"x": "you know what, bilson? you can kiss my ass.", "y": "oh, snap."}, {"x": "does this help?", "y": "eventually, he just gave up and left. and then his cousin's website tanked. and then he became a janitor at an old folks' home and moved into a one-room apartment above a bowling alley."}, {"x": "that's it? that's the end of the story?", "y": "no, no, of course not... he d*ed."}, {"x": "how does that help me? how does any of this help me? can somebody, for god's sakes, please give me one piece of useful advice?", "y": "lily, control your woman. the lesson of blauman is that when your boss screams at you, you never scream back. that's why there's a little thing in corporate america i like to call the chain of screaming."}, {"x": "chain of screaming?", "y": "yes. the chain of screaming starts at the top. arthur's boss's boss screams at arthur's boss. arthur's boss screams at arthur. arthur screams at you. you go home and scream at lily. lily screams at one of the kids in her kindergarten class. then that kid screams at her dad, arthur's boss's boss. and the whole thing starts all over again, thus completing the circle of screaming."}, {"x": "i thought it was a chain of screaming.", "y": "it's a circle, ted, i called it a circle."}, {"x": "so it's not a circle.", "y": "fine! you want it to be a chain of screaming, it's a chain of screaming. i came up with the circle idea halfway through, 'cause i thought it was a more elegant metaphor, but fine, ruin it! you guys always undermine me when i'm trying to make a point, and i'm sick of it! god, i'm surrounded by idiots! idiots! see, doesn't everyone feel better now?"}, {"x": "well, what i teach my kids in kindergarten...", "y": "oh, god."}, {"x": "after we all finished talking last night, i went to the diner to finish working on the ninja report.", "y": "hey, marshall."}, {"x": "how long have you been sitting there?", "y": "if you go in there with lily's kindergarten nonsense, you're gonna get torn apart. i'm here to save your life. you hungry?"}, {"x": "yeah, i was just about to order.", "y": "what do you want?"}, {"x": "okay, friends, what do you like?", "y": "a green tea with lemon for me, and for my friend here, the meatloaf, please."}, {"x": "no, i didn't want meatloaf.", "y": "marshall, the chain of screaming is a real thing. arthur screamed at you... now you have to scream at someone else."}, {"x": "no, i don't.", "y": "yes, you do, or else that anger is gonna eat you alive."}, {"x": "who would i even scream at?", "y": "i don't know. how about somebody who's disappointed you? someone who's let you down. someone who's gonna bring you meatloaf when you explicitly ordered a sandwich and gravy fries."}, {"x": "i'm not gonna scream at the waiter, barney.", "y": "yes, you are. that waiter is every boss and every bully who ever embarrassed or belittled you. and how dare he deny you the one thing that you want, that would make you happy at this moment. a sandwich and gravy fries."}, {"x": "one green tea with lemon, one meatloaf. enjoy, my friends.", "y": "marshall."}, {"x": "no, no, i am not going to stand here and take this! i am at the end of a triple shift... that's 18 hours!... and then i have to take two trains and a bus to astoria to have my wife scream at me because i'm never home. no, no, you eat your damn meatloaf!", "y": "hey, what are you guys doing out here?"}, {"x": "uh-uh. against car rules, it's against car rules!", "y": "oh, ted, relax, it's cuban. people pay to have their car smell like this."}, {"x": "well, that's just not true.", "y": "oh, marshall, switch seats with me. i called shotgun for all eternity."}, {"x": "you can't call shotgun for eternity.", "y": "well, that's funny, cause i did!"}, {"x": "guys, i'm telling a life-altering story here!", "y": "a 20% tip, really, for that waiter?"}, {"x": "i don't know, barney, he worked a triple, it just...", "y": "i can't believe it! if you're not gonna yell at the waiter, yell at me."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "yell at me."}, {"x": "i'm not gonna yell at you, barney.", "y": "what, you think you're gonna upset me? please, give me your best sh*t."}, {"x": "okay, fine... what, you want me to yell at you?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "this is me yelling at you, barney.", "y": "i'm sorry, i couldn't hear you over the sound of a butterfly landing on a leaf about three blocks away."}, {"x": "this is me yelling at you, barney!", "y": "okay, you got some volume, now give me some content. make it hurt."}, {"x": "you don't look as good in suits as you think you do!", "y": "no, something that's true-- come on. the man made you cry. make me cry."}, {"x": "your mom's a slut!", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "your mom's a slut, and i'm sorry, barney, but you and your brother clearly have different fathers, and you know why? it's probably because your mom is a slutty slut!", "y": "keep going."}, {"x": "i don't care what you say. bob barker is not your father!", "y": "okay, now, well, that's just not cool."}, {"x": "oh my god, barney, i'm so sorry...", "y": "no, i'm kidding... keep going."}, {"x": "i'm sorry.", "y": "don't blame this on me, marshall. i told you to yell at someone beneath you. the circle of screaming is... the chain of scr... pyramid... the pyramid of screaming! the pyramid of screaming."}, {"x": "everybody out, everybody out of the new car! out of the new car!", "y": "ted, screaming never solves anything."}, {"x": "and old friend from canada is in town and i'm meeting him for a drink.", "y": "ooh! somebody you went to degrassi with?"}, {"x": "no. actually, he was my first boyfriend.", "y": "tell me more. tell me more. like, did he have a car?"}, {"x": "no, it wasn't like that.", "y": "sounds to me like he gave you your first \"o, canada!\" face."}, {"x": "um, something about fur trapping.", "y": "did you ride his zamboni?"}, {"x": "well, i'm sorry, guys. it was all very tame. we only dated for a week and a half.", "y": "wha...? i thought you said you were together all summer."}, {"x": "well, since you brought it up, let's add up the points.", "y": "you're starting out with two big ones right there."}, {"x": "no. it's stupid. it's not cool, like simon's shirt.", "y": "i'm sorry, simon. here we are nattering on about our big celebrity. what do you do for a living?"}, {"x": "i know. i'm sorry. but you guys just don't understand. the fact that he kept the band going...that's impressive! i mean, i gave up my musical dream.", "y": "which brings us to the most important piece of information from tonight."}, {"x": "well, once you win mr. teen winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.", "y": "i'm sorry. i've seen \"let's go to the mall\" about a thousand times, and you, sir, are not in it."}, {"x": "no, i was in the other one.", "y": "there's another video?!"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "all right! you leave me no choice. from this moment on, i will spend every waking minute ching down this tape. i will not sleep. i will not eat. my life will be a living hell of search engines and overseas phone calls, chasing down something that possibly can't be found."}, {"x": "you know who gets really bad revertigo? lily when she around her high school friend, michelle.", "y": "michelle? she sounds hot."}, {"x": "you don't know about lily and michelle?", "y": "no. what about lily and michelle?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. i'll give her a call, see if she wants to hang out.", "y": "what... do they make out?"}, {"x": "the coup de grace.", "y": "finish him!"}, {"x": "for reals.", "y": "i want her around all the time. i'd even consider not trying to sleep with her if that's what it takes. guys, i've decided to seduce michelle."}, {"x": "no. actually, it's associative regression. you see, the neural pathways that... oh, no, you did not just put on my jam! oh. put your hands up, girl!", "y": "all right. i can't find your video. i've wasted three days tr... what's the matter?"}, {"x": "uh... simon dumped me in his van after the show.", "y": "yeah, robin, that was, like, ten years ago."}, {"x": "no, tonight.", "y": "ooh. really?oh! oh, come here."}, {"x": "it's just... when i was young, i was so... vulnerable and-and open to things, you know? and... i guess i just... i wanted to feel that way again. i wanted to be 16 again.", "y": "robin, that is the stupidest thing i've ever heard come out of your mouth. you want to be 16 again? i have watched your first robin sparkles video 1,000 times, and it's not because i'm proud of you as a friend. it's because you were totally, totally lame back then. but now, come on. pa-cow! you're the most awesome person i have ever known. well, second most awesome."}, {"x": "right. of course, the-the first being you.", "y": "no. no. the first is this guy who lives in a place called the mirror. what up?! i'm saying that you are way more awesome than simon ever will be."}, {"x": "barney, do you want to come back to my place?", "y": "your place?"}, {"x": "check.", "y": "then i make up some cabinet meeting, heart surgery, rocket test flight i've got to be at, slip out of the apartment and never call you again."}, {"x": "and later at the bar, you tell your good friend robin the story of your latest conquest, and she thinks to herself, \"who is this sad, self-loathing idiot who climbed into bed with barney stinson?\"", "y": "actually, you usually say that out loud. so...i just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend"}, {"x": "and i just slept with my ex-boyfriend's really good friend.", "y": "best friend."}, {"x": "okay, here's the deal, barney. the second my feet touch the ground, this never happened.", "y": "okay. wait. right click, save as... into the.bpeg folder, and okay. this never happened. it's a good plan."}, {"x": "now we go back to exactly the way things were before.", "y": "okay. right. so, robin?"}, {"x": "yes, barney?", "y": "guess who nailed the chick from metro news one last night?"}, {"x": "i'm gonna shower... till june, and, um, since you were never here to begin with, you won't be here when i get out.", "y": "okay. this never happened. never happened. never... happened."}, {"x": "so, tell us, what was it like?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "penetrating that barrier. you and i are the first ones to hit it. well, not the first ones, certainly, but the first ones at this table.", "y": "i... i... i'm... i'm..."}, {"x": "it's gonna be all night, and i think i want a clown there. i'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, i'm there.", "y": "what are you talking about?!"}, {"x": "the big three-oh. you know, my 30th birthday's this friday. did you forget? what kind of friend is this guy?", "y": "ha-ha right. a great friend, by the way. the best. is it my imagination, or are these drinks getting smaller? if this were a doctor's office, they'd say, \"try again.\" how you doing there, robin?"}, {"x": "oh, so, i made a a decision. i'm going to go through all my old stuff, and i'm getting rid of anything i have no use for anymore. hmm. barney, you want my xbox?", "y": "ted, she has a name! and just what are you accusing me of?"}, {"x": "i'm gonna get a drink.", "y": "i'll come with you."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "god, this is awkward."}, {"x": "what is?", "y": "being around ted."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "because of our thing."}, {"x": "what thing?", "y": "you're really gonna pretend this never happened?"}, {"x": "guys, cut the act. i know. i know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. marshall let it slip earlier today. hey, i'll totally act surprised and everything. just be sure to invite stella.", "y": "stella! you have a serious girlfriend now! you're over this one. robin who, right? stella makes this one look like a filthy bag of gbabage, am i right? happy birthday, bro."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "hey, marshall, i need your help."}, {"x": "yeah, i'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now.", "y": "i know. i want to hire you."}, {"x": "for the last time, barney, i will not be your butler.", "y": "i need a lawyer. i'll pay you."}, {"x": "how much?", "y": "a little."}, {"x": "hey. so, i'm reading this, and, i got to say, this might be a little bit over my head. for one thing, i'm fairly certain that if these contracts aren't ex*cuted precisely, we will be at w*r with portugal.", "y": "forget that. that's a tuesday for me. new shredder. this baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. from sky mall. it's all from sky mall. whenever i get upset, i shop at sky mall. want a hot dog?"}, {"x": "of course. why are you upset?", "y": "marshall, i'm about to tell you a secret that you can't tell anyone-- not ted, not robin, not lily."}, {"x": "no. no, no, no, i don't want any more secrets, especially now that i know what you guys did to the drinking water in lisbon. i...", "y": "you are hearing this secret, marshall. i... i slept... stop..stop doing that. i slept... i slept with robin."}, {"x": "you slept with robin?", "y": "are you mad at me?"}, {"x": "i don't know.", "y": "how's the hot dog?"}, {"x": "it's helping. you slept with robin?! i... i cannot keep that secret. i mean, you know i at least have to tell lily.", "y": "you can't. you can't tell anyone. attorney-client privilege."}, {"x": "why are you doing this to me?!", "y": "because i need you, marshall, as my lawyer, to prove that i didn't do anying wrong."}, {"x": "how can i help you as your lawyer? you didn't break any laws, did you? robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she?", "y": "i didn't break any state or federal laws, but i think i broke a much, much higher law. the bro code."}, {"x": "this is not a legal docume.. this is just something you wrote.", "y": "you think i wrote that? oh, marshall, don't you know the glorious history of the bro code?"}, {"x": "and i have to do some kite-flying or setething.", "y": "i shall write this set of rules. and i shall inscribe it on theacack of the constitution. to save paper."}, {"x": "it's resolved! barney stinson shall write... the bro code.", "y": "and i shall l include a provision that stateth \"no eye contact in a devil's three-way.\""}, {"x": "listen, what do you want me for?", "y": "i've just been losing my mind lately, and do you know why i feel so bad?"}, {"x": "yeah, because you slept with robin.", "y": "no, that was awesome. i feel bad because the bro code clearly states \"no sex with your bro's ex.\" but if you, my lawyer,can find a loophole somewhere, then that bad feeling will go bye-bye."}, {"x": "and you would pay me for that?", "y": "no, i'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in pyongyang."}, {"x": "barney, i'm no shrink, okay, but don't you see that this is just a desperate way for you to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with ted?", "y": "hey, if i wanted a psychological evaluation, i'd hire the guy we pay to hint notize us before depositions. now, get cracking!"}, {"x": "ted is never finding out about this, you understand? because it never happened, none of us are saying anything. and don't even think about opening that can until i'm out of the splash zone.", "y": "fantastic, you're here. give me the good news."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. you did too good of a job writing this thing. it's-it's iron-clad.", "y": "no! bad lawyer! i need a loophole! i want to feel better, marshall! i can't keep buying things! i have six self-cleaning litterboxes and i don't even have a kid. wait. how about this? ted's probably broken this thing himself, right? and if he's broken the bro code, then i'm off the hook."}, {"x": "dude, two girls are fighting at maclaren's.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "yeah, yeah. it was crazy. this one girl was like... oh, hey.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "that feels nice.", "y": "good."}, {"x": "i just wish we had some wine.", "y": "yeah. i wish we had some wine, too."}, {"x": "okay, this isn't about the bro code, and you know it. the reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong. and the only way you're ever gonna feel any better about it is if you tell ted what you did.", "y": "what if he never wants to talk to me again?"}, {"x": "hey, where are you?", "y": "i'm in the limo, right outside of ted's office."}, {"x": "great. well, everyone's here. stella just arrived and there is something here so awesome, i'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe...", "y": "goat in a party hat?"}, {"x": "damn it! well, you still gotta see it. it's so much fun having a goat at a party!", "y": "uh, gotta go. here he comes."}, {"x": "whoa, we're leaving the city. where the hell is this party?", "y": "vegas."}, {"x": "vegas? i thought the party was on the rooftop.", "y": "surprise! just a decoy, my friend."}, {"x": "so there's no roof party?", "y": "oh, no. there is. we're just not going. this is how good a friend i am. they want you to spent your 30th standing around drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. but not me, bro. i pulled out all the stops. private jet, valderrama suite at the bellagio. steaks at boa, scotch at ghostbar, then two ringside seats to watch floyd mayatather go ten rounds with, wait for it... a grizzly bear!"}, {"x": "take me home, barney.", "y": "no! we have to go to vegas. look, ted, i didn't want to say this, but... there's something that i have to tell you, and i wanted you to be in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it."}, {"x": "you slept with robin? barney! that is ted's ex-girlfriend!", "y": "when did you find out?"}, {"x": "well, i'm... it's a little weird, but, um... no, i'm not mad.", "y": "so you're not mad?"}, {"x": "no, i'm not mad. i mean, robin and i broke up a year ago. we've, we've both dated lots of people since then. i'm with stella now. seriously, i...i'm fine with this.", "y": "i'm so relieved to hear you say that."}, {"x": "three billion women on the planet! three billion! and you have to sleep with the one that i dated for a year! are you kidding me? are you kidding me?! robin?!", "y": "you think i'm proud of this?! i'm horrified that this happened."}, {"x": "how did it happen? huh? barney, i want to know. tell me exactly how it happened.", "y": "you mean... what position? stop it! stop it!"}, {"x": "hit him!", "y": "ted! stop!"}, {"x": "hit him!", "y": "stop!"}, {"x": "hit him!", "y": "okay. okay. you're pissed. you deserve to be. fine. you know what? one free sh*t. on me. anywhere but the face. who punches someone in the groin? okay.okay. i deserved that. i deserved that. but what's important now is... we're passed this whole robin thing now, right?"}, {"x": "you think that this is just about robin? this is about... you know, i've seen you do some bad stuff. i mean some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. i just always thought there had to be a limit. i always thought i was the limit. you're always spouting off these rules for bros. isn't one of them, \"don't do this\"?", "y": "yeah. and i broke it. i'm sorry. but, ted...seriously, this suite at the bellagio..."}, {"x": "i am not going to vegas with you! i'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. the fact that you think i would... you know, barney,earlier this week i started putting things in a box and that box was labeled \"stuff i have no use for anymore.\"", "y": "what does that mean?"}, {"x": "it means... maybe you belong in that box.", "y": "are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?"}, {"x": "i'm saying i don't want to be friends anymore.", "y": "okay, i'm going to stop you right there, because it seems like you're about to say something that's going to pretty much ruin vegas."}, {"x": "it's barney. dude, seriously you need to stop calling me.", "y": "ted, i'm sorry, i haven't returned your calls."}, {"x": "yeah i never called you, you called me fifteen times and my parents twice.", "y": "i'm sorry, i gotta let you go. it's just too many good wingmen out there. ted are you crying?"}, {"x": "no i'm not.", "y": "sh! let it out, let it out."}, {"x": "hey barney, new sky mall come in. so worldaround blog's fear is you are looking for a new wingman. i wanna let you know, i'm available. just the say the word, or don't even say the word. just do something with you eyebrow. was that it?", "y": "no offence randy, but there is a long list of candidats for this slot. this slot is for vice president of awesome. and you are like assistant under secretary of only ok."}, {"x": "assistant under secretary of only ok. thank you, i will not let you down.", "y": "pitt, barney stinson!"}, {"x": "hey! i haven't been calling you, it has been a while.", "y": "yeah. yeah. so, listen you should meet me in mclaren's tonight."}, {"x": "you never gonna believe this. i'm at the hospital. just had a baby daughter.", "y": "so what do you think? 930 or 10 o'clock?"}, {"x": "what up, chef?", "y": "i need a new bro, what do you say?"}, {"x": "dude, i'do love to but now i'm bro with duck stan.", "y": "oh, i understand. duck stan is a good bro. i'm happy for you. best of luck."}, {"x": "what up b dog, long time no bro, so are we gonna tire it up tonight or what?", "y": "yes finally!"}, {"x": "hello?", "y": "hanging up on you once wasn't enough."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "hey, randy. could you come here for a minute? good news. i'm calling you up to the majors. starting tomorrow night, how would you like to be my new wingman?"}, {"x": "it happens. i knew a guy in med school... we used to joke that we was one ball away from getting walked.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "what up bro-seph lieberman?", "y": "no, uh-uh. randy, we never use the word \"bro\" in the name of a failed democratic vice presidential candidate."}, {"x": "goodbye \"geraldine ferrar-bro\".", "y": "you know what? i'm excited about this, randy. you will be my next masterpiece. it's like with ted. when i first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you."}, {"x": "what a loser.", "y": "but tonight, i'm going to make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen."}, {"x": "oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. yeah. i've been reading your blog for years. you are like a god to me. that's why tonight is going to be legendary... wait for it... dary.", "y": "oh, okay, randy, let's do this."}, {"x": "ok.", "y": "you ready?"}, {"x": "yes. no, no, no, no, no, no!", "y": "what? what's the matter?"}, {"x": "nothing, let's do this. no, no, no, no, no, please, please, please! just wait, just wait, just wait, just wait!", "y": "randy what are you doing?"}, {"x": "dripping with game, that's what i'm doing. okay let's go. no. yes. no! randy listen to me you can do this okay? ok. i don't know. are thos girls really that hot? yes, they're hot. let's do this. okay!", "y": "hey, laddies. have you met..."}, {"x": "jerk!", "y": "again? really? wait..."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "what are you doing on friday?"}, {"x": "abby.", "y": "riiiggghhhttt!!!"}, {"x": "hmm, but, girlfriend, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen.", "y": "why are you trying to ruin my life?"}, {"x": "well, you slept with me and then you never called me again.", "y": "and?"}, {"x": "that's it.", "y": "that's it? as far as i'm concerned, if i leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about."}, {"x": "well, it hurt, okay? and then ted, the love of my life started dating my boss instead of me. do you know how that feels?", "y": "oh, boo-hoo, poor little ashley."}, {"x": "abby!", "y": "abby. a few weeks ago, ted dumped me as his wingman. you had a crush on him for a couple weeks? i was ted's best friend for seven years."}, {"x": "ted said marshall was his best friend.", "y": "seven years!"}, {"x": "sorry.", "y": "ted. what an idiot. with his stupid \"meaningful relationship\" with stella."}, {"x": "i hate ted.", "y": "i hate ted more."}, {"x": "are you as turned on as i am?", "y": "probably not quite as much."}, {"x": "i'm sorry i yelled out \"ted.\"", "y": "i'm sorry i yelled out \"abby.\""}, {"x": "i am abby.", "y": "oh, cool."}, {"x": "you know what i hate most about ted?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "his stupid hair. his stupid, lame awesome hair. it's so stupid and awesome.", "y": "you know what i hate most about ted?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "how he's always like, \"oh, i want to fall in love and have a relationship. i care about the people i have sex with.\" he's so lame."}, {"x": "he's so lame and awesome.", "y": "you know what he needs? he needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship."}, {"x": "yeah, and i need to show ted that i'm over him. are you thinking what i'm thinking?", "y": "i think so."}, {"x": "that's an amazing idea. i'm going to go call them. i can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare. oh, wait, marshall. there was something i had to tell you. what was it? oh, that's right. suck it.", "y": "ted, fancy bumping into you here. have you guys met my girlfriend abby?"}, {"x": "uh, yeah.", "y": "hi, abby."}, {"x": "hello, abby. so, uh, s-so you guys are dating now?", "y": "that's right. i am done with this whole being awesome thing. now i'm all about farmers' markets and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts. isn't that right, sweetie?"}, {"x": "that's right. and girlfriends are lame. unless they're me. i miss you, ted.", "y": "abby and i are in love. not hot passionate love. couple love. you know, movie night with my girlfriend, then waiting for her to go to bed so i can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor."}, {"x": "we're showing ted how lame he is.", "y": "you don't have to say it, though."}, {"x": "uh, okay, barney, you can stop.", "y": "stop what, ted? stop being in love? next he'll ask us to stop breathing."}, {"x": "um, barney, i, i see what you're doing. please stop.", "y": "not before i share with you what being in a relationship leads to, ted. abby, pookie bear... i am so pathetically desperate for you that... aw, heck, i'll just say it. would you marry me?"}, {"x": "wait, really?", "y": "i would never joke about true love."}, {"x": "yes, i'll marry you.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "thank you, thank you. i have to call my mom.", "y": "that's you."}, {"x": "uh, yeah, i don't think abby knows you're kidding.", "y": "uh, yes, she does."}, {"x": "it finally happened, mama. i just wish daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle.", "y": "totally committed to the bit."}, {"x": "okay, i officially hate my job. i'm not a reporter, i'm just someone who shows up at night and scares people. i'm the bogeyman with a teleprompter.", "y": "\"bogeyman with a teleprompter.\" that's hilarious! great joke, robin, great joke."}, {"x": "barney, no offense to robin, but that wasn't that funny.", "y": "are you kidding? that was a great joke. it's smart, funny, beautiful, the whole package. it's everything you're afraid to let yourself want. in a joke. \"bogeyman with a teleprompter.\" classic."}, {"x": "okay, what is so urgent that you called me and begged me to come over at 722 in the morning?", "y": "i could tell you knew something was up with me, and you're right. but i can't tell you what it is. i should tell you, but i can't! i have to. i never will! i'm going to. let's just drop it. what's up with you?"}, {"x": "barney, just say it.", "y": "i think i'm in love with robin."}, {"x": "i don't believe it. i thought you called me over here to uncuff you from your sex swing again, but you're in love? that is so sweet!", "y": "it's not \"sweet.\" it's like a disease. i slept with robin one time and i caught feelings. i caught feelings bad. i used protection and everything."}, {"x": "barney, you don't \"catch\" feelings, you just have them. and they're good.", "y": "they're terrible! i can't eat, i can't sleep. she's all i think about. i close my eyes, i see robin. i, i hear a song; it reminds me of robin."}, {"x": "morning.", "y": "i sleep with that chick, i'm thinking about robin."}, {"x": "you love her? barney, how can you be in love, and still be sleeping with anything that moves?", "y": "i'm sorry, i don't follow you. that's like saying, \"how can an ant carry \"20 times its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious?\" are the two even related? really?"}, {"x": "barney, you're going to have to stop screwing around if you want to be robin's boyfriend.", "y": "\"boyfriend\"? i don't want to be robin's boyfriend."}, {"x": "well, what do you want, then?", "y": "i don't know. i just want to be with her. all the time. i want to hear about her day and tell her about mine. i want to hold her hand and smell her hair. but i don't want to be her stupid boyfriend."}, {"x": "barney, what you just described is a relationship between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. and a pretty clingy one at that.", "y": "look, lily, are you going to help me out with this or not?"}, {"x": "i'm a kindergarten teacher. i see a confused, little kid in the corner trying to eat the lefty scissors, i gotta help the poor, little bastard. but only if you stop sleeping around. deal?", "y": "deal."}, {"x": "robin just needs to see this new see of you.", "y": "so just call her up?"}, {"x": "just call her up.", "y": "hi, robin. she wasn't there. i left a voice mail."}, {"x": "you left a voice, but it wasn't male. barney, i don't get it. you've called a million girls a million times.", "y": "yeah, but those were just booty calls."}, {"x": "a question mark? you got laid off a question mark?", "y": "it's no worse than your super-obvious code words."}, {"x": "we have to go.", "y": "ah, ah, it's her, it's robin. what do i do? no-no-no-no, aah! robin... great to hear from you. to what do i owe the pleasure?"}, {"x": "you called, said..., and hung up. what do you want?", "y": "help me!"}, {"x": "just ask her something.", "y": "how are you feeling today?"}, {"x": "something personal.", "y": "at what age did you first get your period?"}, {"x": "did you just ask me about about my period?", "y": "no, i did not."}, {"x": "just ask her out.", "y": "robin, i was wondering if... nothing. gotta go. bye. that was just a practical joke. i'm not really in love with robin. you should've seen the look on your face. there's cameras right there and there and there. what a legendary prank that we're never going to speak of again."}, {"x": "i do.", "y": "where are the boys? i thought this was a group thing."}, {"x": "i lied. they're not coming and i'm about to leave.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "because... they're not in love with robin, and neither am i. i mean, she's great and sweet. i'm not going to pretend that i haven't noticed her body, but this is off topic. good luck.", "y": "wait, wait, i can't do this. she'll never take me seriously. she thinks i'm some womanizing idiot."}, {"x": "we both know you're more than that. show robin the barney i met the other day.", "y": "you mean the insecure, touchy-feely she-male who sounded alarmingly close to ted?"}, {"x": "ted hit that for over a year.", "y": "wish me luck."}, {"x": "i really do, don't i?", "y": "so, robin... tell me about your day, and not just what happened, how you felt about what happened."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i'm not looking to problem-solve, i'm just looking to listen."}, {"x": "why are you acting like this?", "y": "like what?"}, {"x": "you're being super nice. it's... freaking me out. be... gross, be inappropriate. be barney.", "y": "i'm being barney, and i think tonight's going to be de... wait for it... lightful. delightful."}, {"x": "right. so i went to the chiropractor yesterday. that guy bent me over the table and pounded me for a good hour.", "y": "is insurance going to cover that? sometimes they don't."}, {"x": "that's it? today i was at the dentist. that guy drilled me all day long. he drilled me hard. he filled all of my cavities. come on, man.", "y": "your teeth look fantastic."}, {"x": "what part, what part?", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "nothing? not even a glance? even i was thinking about rocking a motorboat on those bad boys. what the hell is wrong with you?", "y": "i don't always want to be that guy. sometimes i want to be someone you can have an actual conversation with. now, tell me something about you that i don't know yet. seriously."}, {"x": "there's a job opening at a new cable network that would be perfect for me... completely legit world news, interviews with people who matter... but i decided i'm not going to apply.", "y": "why not?"}, {"x": "because i'm a joke. i'm just the scary news lady from some stupid local news channel.", "y": "we both know you're more than that. promise me you'll apply."}, {"x": "it's not as easy...", "y": "promise me you'll apply."}, {"x": "i don't believe this. i believe, she knows this is important to me. she's blatantly.. \"stop watching me, jackasses.\"", "y": "to taking chances."}, {"x": "to taking chances.", "y": "you know, robin, there's actually something, i do want to talk to you about."}, {"x": "last call.", "y": "of course it is. one more for the road?"}, {"x": "then, ted's a lucky guy. bear.", "y": "so, here's the deal."}, {"x": "april, have... you met barney? april just finished her shift, she's looking to blow off some steam.", "y": "would you excuse us for one sec? what are you doing?"}, {"x": "so are you... nervous about the game?", "y": "yeah, i'm nervous for the other team 'cause when i step up to that plate... i am not a new york yankee. any other night, i would probably try to convince you that i am, but i'm not. i'm just some guy who's in love with the girl that just left, and she's never going to feel the same way. so i'm just going to go."}, {"x": "okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. and, second, why are you so excited about some bank?", "y": "our company just bought them out in a ruthless takeover. took two months. cost 2,000 jobs. it was brutal. who wants a t-shirt? hey, marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. i could get you a job."}, {"x": "we had sushi last night.", "y": "italian."}, {"x": "oh.", "y": "i don't like chinese."}, {"x": "indian?", "y": "i just said i don't like chinese."}, {"x": "indian isn't chinese.", "y": "weird meats, funny music, side of rice. why are we splitting hairs?"}, {"x": "mexican?", "y": "i just said i don't like chinese."}, {"x": "it's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at maclaren's. where the chef k*lled it and ran it through the meat grinder.", "y": "i love this burger so much, i want to sew my ass shut."}, {"x": "and then, right when i started to get a little hungry, i turned a corner...", "y": "name two places where things get stuffed."}, {"x": "probably tucked between her legs.", "y": "you know what's not a drag? getting a home equity loan at goliath national bank. i'm just saying."}, {"x": "there was that one time we thought we had a break in the case, remember?", "y": "get this. you know who works out at my gym? regis philbin."}, {"x": "and if you tell me it's at the corner bistro, i'm gonna smack you right in the face!", "y": "no. no, we don't know where it is."}, {"x": "listen, blondie! don't mess with me! daddy needs his meat.", "y": "i don't know where it is, regis, i swear!"}, {"x": "what about you, lurch? and what about you, satchel-mouth? this is my cell. you find that burger; you call me day or night.", "y": "ok, regis, we will, we will."}, {"x": "what are you waiting for? get out and find the burger!", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "honey, i'm so excited for you. after all these interviews, after all these disappointments, you deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat.", "y": "you know what else is a mouthful? all that double-talk other banks give you. at goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment."}, {"x": "barney, i hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame.", "y": "how lame is free a*t*matic bill pay? how lame is 3.3% apy online savings? yeah, that's right. hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice. he laughs."}, {"x": "we should probably call regis.", "y": "reg... that guy scares me. i think i'll leave him a text."}, {"x": "just shut up and eat.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "i think i just had my first burg-asm.", "y": "i want... to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, then take it back to my place, put on a little terence trent d'arby, and then i would just... fool around a little bit. nothing serious, just take it slow, you know?"}, {"x": "come on, lily, he'll find a job eventually.", "y": "you know, lil, when times are tough, i like to remember the uplifting words of my favourite song. he starts singing. \"we'll be on your side when you need a friend. through thick and thin you can always depend. on the world leaders in credit and banking. goliath national bank.\" member fdic."}, {"x": "106th and manhattan avenue.", "y": "barney stinson."}, {"x": "barney, where the hell are you?", "y": "i'm sorry, this is...?"}, {"x": "regis. i'm at the place.", "y": "of course. i'm sorry, i forgot to call you. that's not the place. the real place is on 106th and manhattan avenue. we're headed there right now."}, {"x": "what? uptown? he breaks a mail box. fine, fine, i'll be there in 20. if you get there first, medium rare.", "y": "onions?"}, {"x": "onions?", "y": "okay, no onions."}, {"x": "this is it.", "y": "one of 9,000 convenient locations."}, {"x": "but... food.", "y": "what the..."}, {"x": "this is your fault, you and your stupid bank. you did this.", "y": "it's not my... stop, okay. she hits his knee. stop that, lily."}, {"x": "i will never use a goliath atm ever again. goliath national bank sucks. it's the worst bank on the face of the earth. attention, new yorkers, this bank sucks! they suck!", "y": "marshall, geez."}, {"x": "they suck, suck!", "y": "will you just tell her already?"}, {"x": "goliath national bank. that's why barney's been going on and on about how, how great goliath is. he wanted you to be excited for me since we will to working together.", "y": "well, technically not together. you won't have access to my floor."}, {"x": "i haven't worked since march.", "y": "if only there were an easy, convenient way to get some cash right now."}, {"x": "there he is.", "y": "you there, what's your name?"}, {"x": "excuse me?", "y": "your name, woman, what's your name?"}, {"x": "from the future?", "y": "the future, and i can prove it to you. in exactly four seconds, the woman at this table will slap this man."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "in a few minutes, the young me your time will enter through this door. i know it sounds crazy, but to save the planet, you have to sleep with him tonight."}, {"x": "you mean what?", "y": "i have not the time to explain. i must return to reality accelerator before the vortex closes. only you can save us, cindy. i must go!"}, {"x": "excellent. a bottle of beer with it, and what do you think will cancel the scotch?", "y": "vive la vodka."}, {"x": "my god, you are... ho, my god! i offer you a drink?", "y": "i guess i have time for a drink and 45 minutes to an hour for other activities, but after that, i must return to the top secret research project i'm working on."}, {"x": "global warming?", "y": "my god! how do you know that?"}, {"x": "it's good enough!", "y": "it does not stop a fight between girls! ever!"}, {"x": "thank you. this is the boost i need. i love you all.", "y": "this is the man of the evening. it's time to let the monster out of his cage!"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "come on, man. people want to see bruce banner.they want hulk. what?"}, {"x": "it's true. we live.", "y": "you're going to seriously continue to wear this hat?"}, {"x": "we know, darling, you know. this is a brand new vest.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "specifically, those with fire.", "y": "the magic tricks? guys, interventions are meant to help people, not to address every aspect you do not like.sorry, but it warms me. it makes me boil! i mean, i am filled with a burning rage! thanks! oh, sh*t."}, {"x": "what was your biggest problem with me and stella?", "y": "yes! in the mouth! you said that the \"barney the future\" work out. you told me i was crazy. my shrink told me i was crazy. which is the narcissist with severe emotional disorders, dr. grossbard? a banner of intervention?that's what?"}, {"x": "stella.", "y": "\"i can not remain indifferent... \""}, {"x": "you kept it on you?", "y": "please. \"i can not remain impassive while you make the biggest mistake a man can do... get married. keep my words, it will all part... \"flames! oh, sh*t! i sent the flame too soon. i had so many important things to say, and... the fact is, ted, marriage is stupid. each year there are a million girls aged 22, sexy, who go to bars and call me, \"glass half full\", but i think they become beasts."}, {"x": "even you, you will meet more girls in 22 years when you get 80.", "y": "i meet this challenge."}, {"x": "what challenge?", "y": "prove that i will be just as great at 80. i'll go out with a girl of 22 years with my old man makeup."}, {"x": "i'm not ready for this responsibility, let alone to be the stepfather of a 7 year old daughter. if i get married and moved to the suburbs, in a twinkling, i exchange old!", "y": "good evening, young lady. you want a caramel?what do you mean, \"nothing in common\"? we're both older."}, {"x": "you're cute. how old are you?", "y": "83 years. how old are you?"}, {"x": "oh, my god!", "y": "i think someone owes me $ 200."}, {"x": "barney, it was not a gamble. person...", "y": "this proves that i will be as great as that when i have 80 years. tope my arthritis."}, {"x": "because it will age like it or not, then the real question is do we want to go forward or clinging desperately to the past and end up like that?", "y": "you mean great? i am 80 years old guy, and i pack a girl of 22 years."}, {"x": "take me with you, darling. i want to see your medals from world w*r ii.", "y": "in an instant my child."}, {"x": "okay, it matters not.", "y": "what? why?"}, {"x": "amazing.", "y": "it's amazing."}, {"x": "not at all.", "y": "i would much red bull."}, {"x": "it is.", "y": "okay, burial of bachelorhood. tonight, i have three exotic dancers most flexible physically and mentally that you've ever seen..."}, {"x": "no time.", "y": "i'll tell you."}, {"x": "do we really have to rent the cars for tomorrow.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "no \"you not married, ted?\" no \"you're making a big mistake, ted?\" have you stopped the fight against marriage?", "y": "no, i recognize a lost cause, when i see it. that's why i'm not recycle. in addition, ted getting married, it is my interest. you know..."}, {"x": "so you come back to robin.", "y": "let's hope. this weekend is my best chance to start with it."}, {"x": "you'll never there. too many opportunities. the first bridesmaid drunk, you'll have your head under the dress as a photographer of yesteryear.", "y": "lily, kidding. i want to look cutesy and romantic, but this weekend, robin will be the only girl that i will draw."}, {"x": "it's not really the place i imagined for the wedding of ted.", "y": "\"the collective namaste yoga and meditation.\""}, {"x": "honey, will see the dirty hippie to the reservation there, we, we'll take to drink.", "y": "you have anything like scotch?"}, {"x": "yes, and they are all 100% vegan.", "y": "i need alcohol. i'm not gonna do that stuff with robin.look at that. berry cocktail, conditioner meninges. i dream, these drinks could make a girl smarter. what hell ted brought us?"}, {"x": "i know. i understand something is \"no ex\". why would we want that history failed to come see one successful?it's like inviting the seattle mariners world series. it's embarrassing for everyone.", "y": "what? no. robin must come."}, {"x": "i do not care, why do such.", "y": "dude, robin has to be there."}, {"x": "it should not come.", "y": "what are you parl..."}, {"x": "it's gonna be the worst phone call of all time.", "y": "co-witness, i'll handle this."}, {"x": "hello?", "y": "robin, where are you?"}, {"x": "i'm off to the airport.", "y": "ok, in a few hours. have a good flight. bad news. i can not have it. robin is gone."}, {"x": "you are barney?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "i heard you were a real bastard, so listen. tomorrow night, i want to do things so nasty and depraved that i forget that it was supposed to be my wedding.", "y": "i'm here with someone."}, {"x": "this is the big day. you hydrate?", "y": "dear wife, thank you for the interest you have for barney stinson..."}, {"x": "your back will look like a jackson pollock.", "y": "i regret to inform you that at this time..."}, {"x": "i have been vegan for 2 years. i need meat.", "y": "there are currently no positions available."}, {"x": "i am a teacher of yoga. all positions are possible. your room in 20 minutes. no preliminary.", "y": "i will not do, huh?"}, {"x": "i spend a very bad day. i've stolen scotch at the duty free. it tells you?", "y": "let's go to your room. far from it. and can be the whistle."}, {"x": "i have no room. in fact, i thought i could stay with you.", "y": "no problem. i just need to tidy up a little. of clothes on the floor and..."}, {"x": "and a girl naked, tied to your bed.", "y": "the towels in the bathroom, a real mess. so, give me 10 minutes... to restore order..."}, {"x": "ok, let's go. who's that?", "y": "the girl on reception."}, {"x": "i know. that's all i advance. a new chapter in my life begins today, and we'll celebrate. here, we need two things.we need kool and the g*ng. it's time the jukebox!", "y": "i watch this young man dancing near the jukebox, and i can not help thinking... stella may have made the right choice. ouch!"}, {"x": "how can he dance here? he should be trying to smash the car with a club of stella.", "y": "assumption. he is not pretending to be happy. ted is really happy. he did not want to marry from the start. ted had the best train dodge since stand by me well, not the first kid, but others."}, {"x": "i'm fine.", "y": "hey, kid."}, {"x": "barney, i'm fine! it is not necessary, and it is rather unhealthy. sorry, ladies.", "y": "i did not know you'd be here. girls stairwell."}, {"x": "it's ok.", "y": "guys, let him go. he is happy. listen, if ted was married, then he would be married, he would live in new jersey, and he would be married. it is well. good, let's eat. let flat michael's?"}, {"x": "two blocks from her mother's hairdresser.", "y": "okay, ted, is there a place in manhattan where one can dine?"}, {"x": "he is serious?", "y": "i will not in this table. possibly, in this one."}, {"x": "she looks happy? she talked about me? i do not care.where are the almonds?", "y": "where may well be nuts ted? you should check the garage in the grip of stella."}, {"x": "this is the last person i would like to see here. michael purifier. this is a guy i was in high school.", "y": "lily, you're all been there. when we loose one, it's not pretty."}, {"x": "the gazeur nickname stuck. he had so much ridicule, he had to change schools.", "y": "the kids are great."}, {"x": "ted, this is ridiculous.", "y": "i am a person who... well, are facing. there are a bunch of people i do not want to see... as the group of \"girls that i skipped\"... but if one of them came here, i would stay there, and i would look into his eyes. for some, this would be the first time."}, {"x": "really, you hide from anybody? not even... becca delucci?", "y": "son of a bitch."}, {"x": "who is becca delucci?", "y": "do you mind?"}, {"x": "who is becca delucci?", "y": "becca is this girl who lives in the north. i saw her from time to time."}, {"x": "where exactly in the north, barney?", "y": "bedford hills federal penitentiary."}, {"x": "that's not true?", "y": "really. and that i had with becca was a perfect relationship. she was allowed to call me once a week. if it becomes too sticky, the armed guards stoppaient. i've never had to pay for dinner. in fact, this is false. i pay taxes. i guess we all paid for dinner. thank you, guys. anyway, at the last visit, i screwed up."}, {"x": "you're the only thing that kept me here.", "y": "that's why i'm here, baby. i am your strength. i'm...oh, my god. hello, stranger. barney stinson, attorney. let's talk about your output."}, {"x": "hell, no!", "y": "now i have letters from becca who say, \"i'll come see you the day i get out of here. i'll hang your eyes in my rearview mirror. \"women, eh?"}, {"x": "my father.", "y": "boy, this sure is another table. what are we talking?"}, {"x": "my body started to change...", "y": "wait a second. sorry, continues."}, {"x": "no, it's you, the idiot.", "y": "my poor. being forced to grow up in canada with america, right next door."}, {"x": "and kyle and i are doing anything serious. it was only the blue line.", "y": "the blue line?"}, {"x": "sorry.", "y": "it's hot."}, {"x": "i'll talk to him. she's gone. i'll catch up.", "y": "there, there."}, {"x": "i will say, \"sorry it did not work. \"we will discuss in adults. she'll tell me his views and... i will listen. what i should have done more before.", "y": "you can fly it into the lamp? fasten your seat belts!not you, ted."}, {"x": "that's his problem.", "y": "come on, ted. she left you on the altar."}, {"x": "get rid of your demons!", "y": "i have ants in my leg!"}, {"x": "it kills!", "y": "from cold blood."}, {"x": "and those girls over there? they are cannon.", "y": "absolutely not."}, {"x": "barney, they are canon.", "y": "there is so much to learn. you are only victims of...the effect cheerleaders. good question. the effect cheerleading is when a group of women air cannon, but only in groups. as with the cheerleaders. they look like cannon, but take them individually? cod."}, {"x": "anything.", "y": "look at it carefully. individually."}, {"x": "yeah, really cute.", "y": "and this, my friends, is \"the effect cheerleaders.\" also known as the paradox of a bridesmaid syndrome sorority, and for a brief moment in the 90s, the conspiracy of the spice girls.scary spice, indeed. barney stinson. ok.understood. great, we remember."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "apparently, i'll be a father."}, {"x": "you're gonna be a father? how will it happen?", "y": "it's a girl i plugged in a few weeks ago. it is not certain.she sees the doctor tomorrow."}, {"x": "that may be a false alarm. it is perhaps not pregnant.", "y": "no part of barney stinson does not run at less than 110%. if one of my michael phelps escaped, he swims for gold. it's a nightmare. i want no children. how can want to have children without being mad?"}, {"x": "enjoy it. it is a good time.", "y": "good news! i'm not a father!"}, {"x": "congratulations, buddy.", "y": "this is the best time of my life, marshall. what i feel in having no children? i have never thought something like it as much. that's why i created a public holiday. now, today is \"day of non-fathers.\""}, {"x": "you create a holiday?", "y": "why not? everyone has one mothers, fathers, soldiers. why not a day for singles who like it?"}, {"x": "hello, stinson.", "y": "hi. how are the children?"}, {"x": "i'm not sorry. i'm just disappointed.", "y": "that's it!"}, {"x": "i do not appreciate that tone, young lady.", "y": "the no-fathers day is a success! laraby finklestein and help me celebrate. matt. mugs \"best non-father of the world.\" there... t-shirts \"who is your daddy? \"available on fetedesnonperes.com. looking greeting cards."}, {"x": "\"for everything you do for your pear, for all the tape on your desk, on the road darkens your porsche carrera, i wish you... a night of threesome. happy birthday non-fathers. \"", "y": "look at the illustration."}, {"x": "it looks like an asian hooker.", "y": "because at the non-fathers day, you have a thai girl you a blowjob. tope, puns!"}, {"x": "do not depict me as a monster for wanting to remain independent. in there is a lot of people who do not want it.", "y": "my brother, lay your hand on the box tops and repeat after me. me, the false name you give to women."}, {"x": "i, johnny banana.", "y": "swear to always choose the wet t-shirts to wet diapers."}, {"x": "super.", "y": "welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity. in is one of ours."}, {"x": "no one saw the girl drunk?", "y": "guys, you did not... this is a picture of me without children. and with macaroni glued to the frame. guys, i love it."}, {"x": "sure.", "y": "the last great idea for fathers day-no, a pregnancy test, but instead of a blue line, there is a small blue barney who does that."}, {"x": "day of non-fathers, it sucks. it's a feast for the losers.", "y": "what are you talking? this is a good group of friends."}, {"x": "this is the effect cheerleaders.", "y": "no, ted. it works for girls."}, {"x": "you always mycoses?", "y": "i want to take this moment."}, {"x": "which one?", "y": "the last time you and i are just competing for the title of best friend ted."}, {"x": "marshall is my best friend.", "y": "exactly. draw. but it's all about to change. is it correct that you are an architect?"}, {"x": "my best friend does not, but still.", "y": "you draw what now?"}, {"x": "no, not the new york public library. this is the library nouillorc, in dakota. their books are in two parts fishing and not fishing.", "y": "i think you'll love what's happened at work."}, {"x": "who's going to draw?", "y": "that was my first question."}, {"x": "\"it is not a company. it is a collective. \"", "y": "i know. \"we're swedish. it's so cool with our baguettes and our eiffel tower. \""}, {"x": "sweden, this is not france. you know that?", "y": "it's france. no matter, i told bilson..."}, {"x": "you realize what a hero i'd be if i brought this project to my box?", "y": "it's not the best. we three, we'll work together."}, {"x": "ted will come to call.", "y": "yes, totally."}, {"x": "what is it?", "y": "it works like this one of us goes into the office the other and said..."}, {"x": "sorry, i gotta go.", "y": "and then you go up on the roof... and drink beer."}, {"x": "it's great. drinking at work.", "y": "basically, it is of \"mad men.\""}, {"x": "yes! there is too much \"mad men\"!", "y": "i'll spank a secretary."}, {"x": "that's exactly what they would do in this series.", "y": "what series?"}, {"x": "i love to do that.", "y": "i will realize your dream."}, {"x": "okay, be cool with me. this is a first draft.", "y": "ted, it's incredible. detail. shadows. the liveliness of the lines. this is exactly what princess leia would look like, topless."}, {"x": "my way of saying thank you. okay, you wanna see my designs for the building?", "y": "no, that's fine."}, {"x": "no thank you... drag ignorant.", "y": "lily aldrin, little secretive. for years, i say that our g*ng needs a woo, and thou hast hid me in a whole herd."}, {"x": "you do not need a woo. nobody needs it.", "y": "attention lily. the world badly needs the woos. if there were not woos, there would not girls gone wild, no bachelor party girl, no pool bar in las vegas... all the things you hold dear would not exist."}, {"x": "none of this stuff...", "y": "industry sh**t memories would collapse. just like the glitter body and that of hummer limos. the mini cowboy hats would be worn by the little cowboys. and when \"brown eyed girl\" happen on a jukebox, you do not hear... that silence. and \"brown eyed girl.\" but who would woo, lily?who would woo? would you? you'd... woo?"}, {"x": "wooo!", "y": "well you'll excuse me, i have a date with bataille and fontaine."}, {"x": "hey, barney! give me the good news.", "y": "you did not have."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "the board... sven decided to choose."}, {"x": "i can not believe i had not. i thought i had hit the nail. why did they choose sven?", "y": "i've done everything to change their minds. but they did not budge. i'm sorry."}, {"x": "i think i need it.", "y": "finish your beer. fill the machine."}, {"x": "it's not you, that.", "y": "it's okay. all withdrawals at atms are free."}, {"x": "you wanna tell me something?", "y": "good grief. i told heather to put everything back as it was on your desk."}, {"x": "bilson told me he wanted to give the job to ted.what has happened?", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "i'm sven jorgensen. with me, there's pilsen and sven sven johanssen, and it is... sven! you are the goliath national bank. you are at the forefront. you are new and fresh.women want to be with you, men want to hurt you, but the fool who dares challenge you will be crushed! your home office will show the world these facts. and one more thing... do not look now! who is barney stinson, the head of the research committee?", "y": "oh, my god. it's me!"}, {"x": "you, barney stinson, are a man of power and virility.your office will be here in the head of tyrannosaurus.", "y": "i've never known so far, but i've always wanted."}, {"x": "on your desktop rosewood honduras, there is this button.", "y": "what does this button?"}, {"x": "press! press for the glory!", "y": "it's building the coolest of the universe. it could not be more awesome."}, {"x": "what is your problem? this is the big break of ted!you have betrayed to work in the brain of a tyrannosaurus, which, incidentally, if you knew the dinosaurs is very, very small.", "y": "it's not my office. the building was well ted. that of sven was better. and i will not let the fact that i am the best friend of ted influence business."}, {"x": "you have not chosen one of sven because he was better. you wanted an office dinosaur.", "y": "it's a lie! i chose it because it... he breathes fire, marshall."}, {"x": "\"fire marshall\".", "y": "i have not even paid attention."}, {"x": "how could you do that to ted after all that happened with stella? you are an egoist.", "y": "i never made a career choice by selfishness. i am a professional. go. spend a good day, drunk, and throw the bodies of the pigeons."}, {"x": "no. for two reasons. a, pigeons are smarter than you think. they are resentful. and two, it's our last conference call, mr. stinson. there are repercussions to ride a friend.", "y": "like what?"}, {"x": "ll cool j stuff always comes out?", "y": "that's great, sven. you are so much cooler than marshall. he has not even mix. who wants a foam?"}, {"x": "i do not understand. where is the call?", "y": "it's the call. got it? in america, when we work late, you lie on a conference call, and here we ascend a few beers. it's great."}, {"x": "what hat?", "y": "it turned sven."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "those guys were morons. of course, they had cool ideas... really cool ideas. in fact, i wonder if it's not too late...the fact is you have the job."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "the committee realized he had erred. in addition, you are precious to them and they want you to be happy."}, {"x": "it's weird.", "y": "your plans were the best and you deserve it. you should know one thing that you did not get the job early. you see, ted..."}, {"x": "it was bilson. bilson wanted to have a head office in the dinosaur, barney convinced him that it was really, really stupid.", "y": "you know..."}, {"x": "thank you, barney. i believe it. i brought in my box the largest contract that she had. wooo! the next is for me.", "y": "why you helped me?"}, {"x": "you did the right thing. you got a well deserved boost. and then it would have disappointed ted, and it is finally... very happy for the moment.", "y": "you are truly the best friend ted. and me too. tie.thank you, marshall."}, {"x": "i love you, man.", "y": "me too, buddy."}, {"x": "you mount the bull?", "y": "no, even if you pay me. i have an inner ear problem."}, {"x": "one week for every month you were together.", "y": "you can\u2019t measure something like this in time. there\u2019s a series of steps. from her bed to the front door. bam! out of there. next!"}, {"x": "two out of three times. he guaranteed it.", "y": "oh, come on. there is no way that\u2019s gonna work on robin. she\u2019s gonna walk in there, take one look at that idiont and send him packing."}, {"x": "mr. wang\u2019s is back in business?", "y": "\"the naked man\" works! this is gonna revolutionize the one-night stand. this is like the forward pass in football. the slam dunk in basketball. the haircutting technique where they hold it between their fingers, and cut right above it. it\u2019s a total game changer!"}, {"x": "barney, this guy has slept with robin, who you claim to be in love with. how can you be excited about this?", "y": "lily, the naked man is bigger than me and robin. all these years, i have been busting my hump, with my secret identities, and my tricks and my gadgets. i mean, i\u2019m like batman. but this mitch fellow, he\u2019s superman. he just rips off his clothes and he\u2019s good to go."}, {"x": "i\u2019m gonna name 50. there\u2019s make-up sex, break-up sex, and your-friend-just-told-you-about-a-new-position-sex.", "y": "you're welcome. there\u2019s also reveng, rebound, paratrooping. you know, when you go out of town, but instead of getting a hotel room, you go straight to a bar with the sole intention of hooking up with a girl, so you have a place to stay?"}, {"x": "hotel-room sex.", "y": "curiosity, as in, i\u2019ve always wondered what it\u2019s like to have sex with a really tall girl. not a big girl, just a tall girl. like, if a normal girl were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall, and wore a denim miniskirt. i would have to know what that is like."}, {"x": "44.", "y": "the condoms are about to expire."}, {"x": "45. wow! this is getting a little hard.", "y": "46!"}, {"x": "the one? mitch? the naked man?", "y": "you mean the naked genius. all these years, i\u2019ve been suiting up when i should have been suiting down. that\u2019s it. i am doing the naked man tonight. ted, so are you!"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "with the elevator girl. you\u2019re going out with her tonight, right? naked man!"}, {"x": "no. barney, come on, this is the first girl i\u2019ve had the courage to ask out since stella.", "y": "naked man!"}, {"x": "it's not makeup, okay? it\u2019s a sunscreen with a subtle hint of... it\u2019s made for men. sue me, i want my eyes to pop.", "y": "naked maaan!"}, {"x": "no, barney, i like vicky. this could actually go somewhere. i don\u2019t wanna do anything stupid to jeopardize it.", "y": "well, i really like that girl, but oh! i didn\u2019t see her from the back. i really like that girl. and i\u2019m willing to jeopardize our future together for one night of glory. naked maaan!"}, {"x": "reason number 48 \"to reinforce good behavior, such as shaving or dental hygiene.\" oh, now you\u2019re conditioning me? great! that explains why i always get an erection when i floss.", "y": "thank you for letting me look at your aquarium. you\u2019re a life saver."}, {"x": "sure, no problem.", "y": "i just need to use the bathroom, then i\u2019ll be on my way. ted, i\u2019m doing it. i\u2019m doing the naked man!"}, {"x": "me too!", "y": "you..."}, {"x": "i\u2019m doing it. i\u2019m doing the naked man.", "y": "that\u2019s great! what made you change your mind?"}, {"x": "once i realized there was no possible future in this relationship, i just decided to go for it.", "y": "awesome. okay, big question, what pose will you display your naked man in?"}, {"x": "huh. that is a big question. i hadn\u2019t really thought about it.", "y": "i was thinking \"the superman.\""}, {"x": "what about the \"captain morgan\"?", "y": "how about the, \"oops, i didn\u2019t see you there\"?"}, {"x": "the thinker?", "y": "what about the heisman?"}, {"x": "mr. clean.", "y": "the \"burt reynolds\"."}, {"x": "what about the old coppertone baby?", "y": "the olympic gymnast who stuck the landing."}, {"x": "yep. i gotta go.", "y": "naked man."}, {"x": "oh my god! what\u2019s the matter with you? get out!", "y": "i just have to grab my suit. it\u2019s very expensive. the tie alone\u2026"}, {"x": "get out of here right now! get out, you sick son of a bitch!", "y": "all right. okay. call me!"}, {"x": "one week per month spent together.", "y": "you can not measure something like that in a while. it is step by step. from his bed at the front door. bam! you're outside. next!"}, {"x": "two out of three. he assured me.", "y": "seriously. no chance it works on robin. it will come, take a look at this idiot and send tampers."}, {"x": "the business returns for mr. popol.", "y": "\"the naked guy\" works! it will revolutionize the blows of an evening! it's like the forward pass in american football.dunk the basketball. this stuff barber where they hold the wick and cut above. it changes everything!"}, {"x": "barney, this guy has slept with robin, you say that being in love. how it makes you excited?", "y": "\"the naked guy\" is more important than me and robin. all these years, i broke my ass, with my secret identity, my laps and my gadgets. i mean, i'm batman. but this guy is superman. he tears his clothes and go."}, {"x": "i'll give you 50. there's sex reconciliation... breaking sex, and sex \"a friend told you about a new position.\"", "y": "you're welcome. there is also \"revenge\", \"bounce back\", \"parachuting\". when you're traveling, but instead of going to the hotel, you'll live in a bar to find a girl to get a foothold."}, {"x": "the sex \"hotel room\".", "y": "\"curiosity,\" style, \"me have always wondered how to do this is with a great girl.\" big guy not a girl, just great. like...if a normal girl was 2.10 m, 2.25 m high, and... wearing a mini denim skirt. i wonder how it is."}, {"x": "44.", "y": "\"condoms will expire.\""}, {"x": "45. it gets a little tough.", "y": "46!"}, {"x": "the good? mitch? the guy naked?", "y": "you mean the naked genius. all this time i wore a suit when i should have removed it. that's it. i \"the guy naked,\" tonight. and you too."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "with the girl from the elevator. you're with her tonight?\"dude naked\"!"}, {"x": "this is the first girl i had the courage to invite, from stella.", "y": "\"dude naked\"!"}, {"x": "it's not the makeup! it is a sun cream with a subtle shade of... it is for men. it's good, i want my eyes stand out.", "y": "\"dude naked\"!"}, {"x": "no, barney, i like vicky. it could be serious. i want to do anything stupid to jeopardize that.", "y": "i really like... this girl, but... i had not seen from behind. i really like... this girl. and i am willing to compromise our future for a night of glory. \"dude naked\"!"}, {"x": "reason 48 \"to reinforce good behavior, such as shaving or dental hygiene.\" now you conditioned me? great!that's why i have an erection when i go floss.", "y": "thanks for letting me see your aquarium. you save my life."}, {"x": "sure, no problem.", "y": "i just go to the bathroom and i'm off. ted, i do. i \"the guy naked\"!"}, {"x": "me too!", "y": "you..."}, {"x": "i do. i \"the guy naked\"!", "y": "it's great! why did you change your mind?"}, {"x": "when i realized that there was no future in this relationship, i decided to do.", "y": "great! ok, the important question what will your pose \"naked guy\"?"}, {"x": "it's a good question. i have not really thought.", "y": "i thought \"superman.\""}, {"x": "and the \"captain morgan\"?", "y": "and \"oops, i did not have you seen?\""}, {"x": "the thinker?", "y": "and the heisman?"}, {"x": "mr. clean?", "y": "the \"burt reynolds\"."}, {"x": "what do you think of the good old \"baby cadum\"?", "y": "the olympic gymnast successful landing."}, {"x": "i gotta go.", "y": "\"dude naked\"!"}, {"x": "my god. what is your problem? vire!", "y": "i take my costume. it is expensive. just tie..."}, {"x": "get out, now! releases, you ugly whack!", "y": "call me."}, {"x": "we'll have to go elsewhere. in this bar, i will always be the guy left at the altar. it sucks!", "y": "good times."}, {"x": "there's a girl there in a sweater wrap. he does not listen to a word they say. hein, barney?", "y": "leave me alone!"}, {"x": "he understood, there is little time, he could hold a conversation with just the titles of sitcoms \"black\" of the 70s and 80s.", "y": "what's going on?"}, {"x": "barney, you wanna go and get my stuff does not marshall?", "y": "diff'rent strokes."}, {"x": "what is this?", "y": "you... been to ted?"}, {"x": "it is not play \"you know ted.\"", "y": "i'm dead? i'm dead? tonight... i am a lesbian."}, {"x": "we're going down the aisle and fight with these guys.", "y": "what's going on?"}, {"x": "a fight. we gotta go?", "y": "no, i would fight for three things, the closing of a stubborn bra, accusations of sexual harassment... 9 of 9! and wanted to vomit when i see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit."}, {"x": "no, it's true! i love it! i have a culture of hockey. if a guy is a fighter, it is rather sexy. and scars, seriously! if a guy has one, it has a robin. and if he lost a tooth, i lose my panties.", "y": "i lost my wisdom tooth. without surgery. local anesthesia. frankly, it's nothing."}, {"x": "my brothers.", "y": "yeah, it was surely the ruckus in the playroom of eriksen."}, {"x": "oh yeah? i seem to remember that this guy was well dumped by his girlfriend for a taekwondo teacher. it might sound crazy, but... i need that. i think it's an experience i do. i go there.", "y": "it's been what?"}, {"x": "he thinks he fought with him.", "y": "we fought with him. so we will go and tell everyone the legendary story of how we b*at types. and everyone will find it great and everyone goes back to bed with me."}, {"x": "come on man, no one will believe we fought, we look at.", "y": "oh, it's good..."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "what i should have done there is a lease."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i dunno, i typed the eye! i even know what i say! i have a great right, either. you ready?"}, {"x": "to go home?", "y": "no, for that."}, {"x": "you hit me in the nose!", "y": "are you crying?"}, {"x": "yes, i cry! you hit me in the nose!", "y": "it's going to swell to death. you're going to look like owen wilson. come on, we go."}, {"x": "just look at that eye. you look like a bad boy. i did not know you had it in me. you. that you had it in you.", "y": "you... want to touch?"}, {"x": "you know what, doug? i will gladly pay. and why?as adults do. they pay their glasses, and they fight it. you know what i did when you were kids? that's what i did.", "y": "your nails?"}, {"x": "no. i was...", "y": "your best to not cry when big came to carrie at the end of the film sex and the city?"}, {"x": "so you've just beaten?", "y": "just?"}, {"x": "amanda, was it that simple? you know, the fight in melee, it is more than using force against his opponent, huh b?", "y": "exactly!"}, {"x": "but i do not understand, what they did to deserve this?", "y": "it may seem insignificant, but they got to our table."}, {"x": "at our table.", "y": "and..."}, {"x": "no one.", "y": "... no one sits at our table."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "relax, it was doug. doug supports us."}, {"x": "he's not here tonight.", "y": "i offer you what? a drink? money? these two girls over there?"}, {"x": "and you're barney stinson?", "y": "they know who you are. all right, guys. it lets you go without kick your ass. this time. okay?"}, {"x": "as*ault! they continue to att*ck us!", "y": "what is the penalty for as*ault? i'll have a fine?picking up garbage on the highway? because i already did that."}, {"x": "you could have a good time in prison.", "y": "the prison?"}, {"x": "i can not go to jail! i could read a bunch of books, writing short stories. drag me all the time. seriously, if i get lost really hefty...", "y": "you can not go to jail! they are dying in the hallways!and meals are really heavy."}, {"x": "i knew it! you have not even given a single sh*t.", "y": "i hit ted and me, so..."}, {"x": "you know the old saying \"if you can not assume, do not pretend to have done, do not laugh and refuses glasses blackjack and not defend your friend, who, coincidentally, lived full of fights with his brothers. \"", "y": "you gotta help us, marshall. we're the three musketeers! if i let ted i how long?"}, {"x": "the ones you do not beaten. they will not go to trial.lawyer.", "y": "what? they dropped?"}, {"x": "yes, i just told them you were wimps. it has made us laugh. poilade good, actually. i said that you did manicure every month.", "y": "weeks, wolverine... some are careful."}, {"x": "they what?", "y": "we can tell you..."}, {"x": "it's true. they have nothing to do with it. look at them.", "y": "it's ted's fault!"}, {"x": "ok, maybe it was... than me. in fact, it makes sense. i have many black holes. in short, i have always supported. i expected much from you. and you did what? nothing. we can not count on you. no wonder your girlfriend has dumped you.", "y": "ok, i'm hot. let's go."}, {"x": "wimp! wimp!", "y": "ok, i'm hot. let's go. what has happened?"}, {"x": "it's still him. i should answer. hello, barney.", "y": "hi. what are you doing tonight?"}, {"x": "incredibly gay. dude, quail out there.", "y": "why, hello. i was expecting you."}, {"x": "one second. it is not our chair. you've made yourself?", "y": "i needed one that rotates."}, {"x": "do not tell me anything! you know i can not keep secrets if it's almost christmas! robin offers you an ipod!", "y": "can i talk to one second in the kitchen? not touch the chair. i praise him. i can not believe that thou hast hid thy sister all these years."}, {"x": "really? you're like \"weird al\" yankovic to write that song on how to jump my sister.", "y": "first, i'm flattered. then it's just jokes. a friend can joke on a friend's sister. does not mean i'm going to act."}, {"x": "i love my sister, and as a big brother, it's my job to protect guys like you.", "y": "you do not trust me?"}, {"x": "no. and it either.", "y": "okay. all right. i'll just... take my chair and leave."}, {"x": "wait... rest... back... lily and i were dining out with heather sunday. want to go?", "y": "i have already called to add a person."}, {"x": "you really can not tell lily.", "y": "no, nothing really..."}, {"x": "go. you're wrong.", "y": "i'll take the vichyssoise with a hint of cream. dairy ballonnent me."}, {"x": "let me think.", "y": "it, it means he will not."}, {"x": "we'll talk later, ok?", "y": "you do not have any illusions."}, {"x": "you're my sister.", "y": "there he just says the obvious."}, {"x": "i just think you have no idea of the difficulty of succeeding in new york.", "y": "exactly. do you need relationships. if only ted knew someone who works at, say... goliath national bank, then...expect. what? i work for goliath national bank. incredible!"}, {"x": "my god!", "y": "before you say or do something, give me a favor."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "move away. it's a prada."}, {"x": "why canadians are not of birthday wishes? because they are too afraid to put out the candles. my god, i love this place!", "y": "i think your prospects are good for gnb. u you have shown me that you can take any position."}, {"x": "this is the new coasters?", "y": "i hope you get the job. nothing makes me happier than to fill an opening."}, {"x": "ok, enough! i can not believe you hast slept with my sister!", "y": "you've sneaked?"}, {"x": "come on. lily saw you.", "y": "oh yeah?"}, {"x": "... that we decided to show you what you expect from us.", "y": "and as we can count on lily to sneak."}, {"x": "because you deserve it.", "y": "ted, you know, i'm not a saint. and yes, it is true that the times i drove your mother at the airport, say that there has been a... sexually confused and confusing time in the parking lot, but i said i draguerai not your sister, and i thought. you should have me believe."}, {"x": "you're so convinced that i am still a teenager out of control, you forgot that i grew up. i'll find a hotel. i will take my business later. merry christmas.", "y": "your mother and i, we kissed."}, {"x": "as barney's theory on world peace?", "y": "i explained. i said, madeline, every international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."}, {"x": "all international conflicts?", "y": "all, man."}, {"x": "so, the crisis in the middle east could be solved by...", "y": "gaza strippers. next."}, {"x": "apartheid?", "y": "\"apartouze\". you have what?"}, {"x": "the cold w*r?", "y": "\"mrs. gorbachev, removed her underwear.\""}, {"x": "thank you, lily.", "y": "you... have slept together. what are \u00e9pouv...stouflant. epouvstouflant. well done, ted. bravo."}, {"x": "yes. thank you, barney. you were right. peace was established. more than once.", "y": "so, i am responsible for... excellent. excellent.excellent. the next tour is for me!"}, {"x": "are you okay?", "y": "yes. why you ask?"}, {"x": "for one thing, you cry openly.", "y": "from joy. i am so happy for them."}, {"x": "barney, admit it. you always have feelings for robin and it tortures you.", "y": "i'm going quite well. excuse me just a minute. i'm going quite well."}, {"x": "you must learn to express your feelings. perhaps you should see a psychiatrist.", "y": "wait. if i pay a woman $ 200 an hour to feel better, it will not discuss. and there will be both on the couch. the woman in my scenario, she is a prost*tute. dirty, vulgar, all redone, from eastern europe..."}, {"x": "i knew you had not of paddler!", "y": "wonderful, we still speak of that!"}, {"x": "you do not want me to see if the waitress at a huge scale for this haughty tone with you? nobody likes reading a magazine at work and they say they are not human.", "y": "dude, i read a magazine at work every day. i will not say how many meetings where i was late because i 'was reading a magazine. \" but i'm not ashamed of that. this is my moment. sure, \"magazine is read\" is not sexy, but you know, this is something i have to do. why be ashamed? wait, \"read a magazine\" that's wank, right?"}, {"x": "this is the ideal plan. each time you start to yell, he lieth in place. one minute you're on the back of each other, and the one after that, well, the same thing.", "y": "super."}, {"x": "this morning, she cried through the door, \"you're too long in the shower! \". a second later, she joined me. there, it has not bothered me to take my time.", "y": "if great."}, {"x": "sorry for the delay. i was typing a scherbatsky. she used all my stamps, so in short, the postman rang twice. should you stamp it!", "y": "it's... just... if... excuse me one second."}, {"x": "okay, but crts have the deepest blacks.", "y": "so if i want a very good contrast ratio..."}, {"x": "the deep structure of the crt pixel resolution produces unrivaled in lcd.", "y": "i take the crt."}, {"x": "barney, it's crazy.", "y": "i'm fine, thank you."}, {"x": "no, it's wrong. you must learn to get it out. as we did in my kindergarten class. \"the time for emotions\", every tuesday morning.", "y": "look, maybe your kids resent their friends sleep together, but not me. i have never been better."}, {"x": "do you have any?", "y": "yes, i love it. that's what... it's you, man."}, {"x": "no. it meant nothing. it was just a reflex when we were a couple. but i did everything go wrong.", "y": "clearly. this is the end."}, {"x": "what is your problem?", "y": "this one."}, {"x": "it works.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "because of your bickering roommates are always a source of conflict between you two, i wanted to help. in fact, i went to the post. i took you stamps. in about 10 000. that should be enough."}, {"x": "thanks, i guess. you want a beer?", "y": "i took it in passing. it's nothing."}, {"x": "you have bought us a dishwasher?", "y": "it has always been there. you've been here how long?"}, {"x": "so you take it all and you can avoid to argue, eh?", "y": "exactly. i worry about you."}, {"x": "it bothers you that we sleep together, right?", "y": "not at all. it's crazy. what?"}, {"x": "you're in love with robin? you're in love with robin.that's why you not want people sleeping together.", "y": "what? you say anything. a friend can not clean the apartment of another friend like friends do?"}, {"x": "cite me a buddy in the story of friends who has already done that.", "y": "i give you two clean and gentlemen solcarlus."}, {"x": "that thing between me and robin is completely innocent.i flipperai if you tell me not feel something for her. this is the case?", "y": "no. this is not true, no. this is not true, no. no. robin is all yours, man. exploding yourself with it. now if you'll excuse me, i'll go sleep with other girls."}, {"x": "are you sure?", "y": "yes!"}, {"x": "positive?", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "get out of here.", "y": "but it's time and emotions i emotive, bears sharing.whoever emotive, bear's shares, can sit on the chair of the division."}, {"x": "who wants to do the coloring?", "y": "great, it's lily who sent you? i have not the bear, ok?i will make it! why are you smiling?"}, {"x": "i just... reading a magazine. here at work.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "watch the road.", "y": "congratulations."}, {"x": "thank you. i would have done well at some point.sometimes you have to... you have to say and... go there.", "y": "marshall, i gotta go. in fact, there are toilets here, if you want to use."}, {"x": "i go step-louse. if you are looking for ted, he was released. and... our little arrangement is... completed, by the way.", "y": "really? that's wife... vantable."}, {"x": "epousvantable?", "y": "yes, it is \u00e9pousvantable. what has happened?"}, {"x": "he insisted. he said \"no longer able to do\" if \"it hurt someone.\" i think we all know who he is talking about.", "y": "oh?"}, {"x": "it's not obvious?", "y": "it is?"}, {"x": "yes. this is ted. you know how it romantic. he can not separate the physical emotion. it is kind of...", "y": "i love you."}, {"x": "right. it's not like you, you know? in addition, we are friends. i want to complicate matters by committing. hanging out with friends never works. so... you want to go eat a taco?", "y": "a taco?"}, {"x": "you love them, right?", "y": "just."}, {"x": "but... you are an inspiration to us all, you are so dedicated and linked. i look at you, and that's all i want in the world.", "y": "there are two students out, and they look easy!"}, {"x": "arizona... you know... i always wanted to see what looks like a license in arizona.", "y": "i already did that. 21 years."}, {"x": "you have a group? we will perhaps see you.", "y": "excuse me one second. what is your problem? we will not see them play."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "if you go see them, it is not better than blondes showing their tits at a concert by van halen."}, {"x": "yes, but these girls they sleep with van halen after?", "y": "if you want to sleep with van halen, do it on your spare time. we're not guys who-could-come-you-see. it is the other guys, those older, who ever came and whose recognition is required."}, {"x": "we are their fathers?", "y": "exactly. this is a great meeting, i think that we can come. another time, girls."}, {"x": "if you want to see us afterwards, we can exchange our numbers.", "y": "excuse us a minute. have you gone crazy? we do not want their numbers."}, {"x": "i know not what i was doing. i had panic there.", "y": "qua na you exchange a number, you give him the opportunity to call to cancel. if you give a number without an appointment, they must come. checkmate! no number, just my fingers. truck."}, {"x": "you're still their father?", "y": "why not arrange to meet you here tomorrow night to 22h."}, {"x": "i think it will snow. what do we do if there is a blizzard?", "y": "whatever happens, we will be there."}, {"x": "that's all \"ski\" account.", "y": "sorry one last time."}, {"x": "what is the problem here?", "y": "well done."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "at tomorrow night."}, {"x": "great!", "y": "'definitely. great! \"dude, these students seem stupid."}, {"x": "bluntly.", "y": "awesome. here's the thing tomorrow night, dress up well, it will move!"}, {"x": "we would still have had to make their numbers.", "y": "you always imagine the worst. ted, i promise, everything will be okay. it begins to snow."}, {"x": "it's really bad outside. they will not.", "y": "but if it will come. it has to. if i can touch one of those girls, i get a \"bingo party student.\" come on, ted. you're the only one here."}, {"x": "sorry, a \"bingo party student\"?", "y": "every year, playboy publishes a list of the best student parties in the country. i take the top 25, and i do... a bingo card. all i need now that arizona tech, which is crazy. in a contest, it would be given automatically."}, {"x": "how many people are on this festive bingo student?", "y": "just me."}, {"x": "what is the purpose then?", "y": "the goal is to make it five in a row."}, {"x": "and you got what, if you succeed?", "y": "i have a bingo."}, {"x": "no! it is only 21h.", "y": "and it rocks here, yo!"}, {"x": "i'm really sorry, but i have to install beds in the church. it becomes a refuge, snowy nights.", "y": "selfish bastard! there are two cannons girls who come to us here."}, {"x": "you two? impossible. you ignore the low bar.", "y": "serve the g*ns first?"}, {"x": "there should be a bar.", "y": "of course, we should have a bar!"}, {"x": "you really should have a bar.", "y": "it really should have a bar."}, {"x": "our bar would be great.", "y": "and dude, dude, dude, dude... the name of our bar will be... puzzles. people will, \"why puzzles? \"that's the puzzle."}, {"x": "that's... a great name for a bar! and also, puzzles no nightcap.", "y": "no nightcap!"}, {"x": "except where everyone ended up spending the best night of his life, then we put the chairs on the tables and pulled out the margarita fountain.", "y": "there should be a bar."}, {"x": "barman. triple sec.", "y": "it happens, keep tap. we will buy one."}, {"x": "served.", "y": "served."}, {"x": "reminds me of when i was sledding with my father... before he leaves.", "y": "and prem's."}, {"x": "it is the intention of getting drunk. really get drunk.as my father did.", "y": "prem's, prem's prem's."}, {"x": "there's no sink. and you get out of the kitchen.", "y": "is there anything in a gin and tonic? there's what in a gin and tonic?"}, {"x": "hold a bar, it sucks. is closed.", "y": "no nightcap! puzzles, barney here."}, {"x": "well, you're still there. i arrive in 5 minutes.", "y": "last glass."}, {"x": "do it. now, go find your wife.", "y": "okay, go. you are not obliged to return, but you can not stay. i always wanted to say that. i mean, in a bar. i say all the time with me."}, {"x": "we said no last drink. we must do.", "y": "we should do what? carl will be there from one moment to another."}, {"x": "caring for a bar, it's boring. we should stick to what we know.", "y": "we should start a band."}, {"x": "guys, this festival is great! you are true friends of hens fighting. if necessary, do not hesitate to ask.", "y": "the flute section does she see anyone?"}, {"x": "these guys think what? i am far from my phase \"dating a prisoner.\" it's like \"hi, i am over 19 years.\"", "y": "the daughter of the lottery is there."}, {"x": "i'm sorry for these women. this is where careers go to die on tv.", "y": "look. it's funny. i invented a little game"}, {"x": "the lotto numbers tonight are... 19...", "y": "your age on arrival in new york after a photographer you have \"discovered\" to be published in vogue."}, {"x": "53...", "y": "the number of nude photos that he has done before you realize he had no connection to vogue."}, {"x": "22...", "y": "the age that you say you have."}, {"x": "31...", "y": "your real age."}, {"x": "45...", "y": "the number of minutes for me to put in a taxi, get undressed and into my jacuzzi."}, {"x": "and the super bowl tonight is...", "y": "what happens after that is out of the jacuzzi. great?"}, {"x": "i went very confident. i knew it was just me against two other girls.", "y": "i listening."}, {"x": "i always ended up with a simple \"all of us at metro news one, have a great evening.\"", "y": "mine \"from all of us in barney's apartment, get out.\""}, {"x": "i will not be a presenter at channel 10, right?", "y": "it just fell."}, {"x": "if you think people liked your show, it's wrong...", "y": "bizarre. look at what is mixed with your fan mail."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "it comes from the ministry of immigration."}, {"x": "my work permit. if i can not find a job in the coming...seven days, they will refer me to canada.", "y": "i can not believe you that turns the country."}, {"x": "good question, norm. for the first, i was an intern for channel 22 in red deer. alberta. in canada. the snow falls hard enough, but these intrepid fishermen are still happy to contribute to the gathering of bass fishing lake athabasca, a tradition of 1 august to you, norm. what? it was my first job. it shows where i come from.", "y": "unless a bear att*cks you in 3 seconds with your legs and you break his neck, it has nothing to do in your demo."}, {"x": "obviously, the stirrups were too far apart during his last visit to the gynecologist.", "y": "folks, sorry to stop you before marshall falls into tears, but robin, check it out. what you need is a super video resume. like mine. i present to you barneysvideocv.com hello. barney stinson, you have achieved great successes in business, sport and personal relationships, and have been an inspiration to many people."}, {"x": "is that you? you interviewed yourself?", "y": "how could that be me? he is an englishman. what would you recommend to your many admirers who want to reach the peak of their potential?"}, {"x": "and a little scottish.", "y": "the first thing to know about success is that it will not come to you. most people associate success with money and power, but in fact it is a mindset."}, {"x": "you were supposed to be on a motorcycle to say that?", "y": "and when it comes to success, the only limit is that there is no limit."}, {"x": "barney, i do not understand. you doing anything in these clips.", "y": "exactly. because that's what the world wants to work.people who seem to take risks, but never do anything. in fact, you do things will turn. i write a book about this phenomenon."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "no, it would be... you listen? all my life i have dared to go beyond the possible. until the impossible? in fact, beyond that... where the possible and the impossible meet to become... the possimpossible."}, {"x": "the possimpossible? oh yeah?", "y": "inventing your own word shows creativity and vision...\"visia-ness.\" if i can leave you with one thought, is this one nothing... and all... is possimpossible. this guy is awesome."}, {"x": "it's you again...? you sing a song about you?", "y": "absolutely not. it would be stupid. stinson, barney stinson singing this song, it would be really stupid. one of the fans who think this guy is awesome. perfect and available.great, great, great, great, great, great... great, great. barney stinson, committed. this jewel has earned me 11 jobs."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "now, we talk about it."}, {"x": "what? i will be deported. i would try anything.", "y": "ok, we should get started. i have much to sh**t, i can not use the tapes i have of you."}, {"x": "bands on me?", "y": "let's start."}, {"x": "i do not know how to answer that.", "y": "what does it mean to be a reporter for you?"}, {"x": "since i was little...", "y": "cut! you're mired in details. we need you to be vague, at ease with buzzwords like \"synergy\" and \"dynamism\". you can invent a word, as... \"relationality.\""}, {"x": "how does make me feel stupid commit somewhere?", "y": "all right. do not do it. there are many exciting stories to cover in canada. i just read it, the nephew of the mayor of winnipeg went fishing on the ice and took a pole of 7 kg live from the worst place in the world, i'm robin scherbatsky."}, {"x": "rotate the camera. connectitude.", "y": "i like it."}, {"x": "transformatation.", "y": "come on!"}, {"x": "relationality.", "y": "relationality, this is mine."}, {"x": "these clothes are ridiculous. in addition, the armor of the amazon princess itch.", "y": "showdown. you're not the first to wear it here. but it expresses the power. and that, too. now, i need you break these 15 bricks with your forehead."}, {"x": "what? but you do anything in your video. you were right next to a horse and sitting on a motorcycle.", "y": "i am a man. you're a woman. assume that you can do nothing. you must prove that society is wrong."}, {"x": "i can not break 15 bricks with my forehead.", "y": "there is more in 1950. yes, you can."}, {"x": "i'm off.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "i remember the night before. they made me a farewell party. they gave me a camera to take pictures and send them home. everyone was sure i will have much success. you will really miss.", "y": "what's the matter?"}, {"x": "robin must leave canada.", "y": "oh, my god. it's horrible. it'll be along to commute."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "i've finished your video resume myself. i posted it to all channels of the city. a guy called from channel 8. he adores you. he wants you to pass an audition."}, {"x": "my god!", "y": "i said no. robin scherbatsky do not audition. he is given the job or anything."}, {"x": "so, i have the job.", "y": "no. he cursed me and hung up. but after channel 12, called. they'll love it too. they offer you to host their new talk show in the morning."}, {"x": "it's amazing!", "y": "i sent them sh*t."}, {"x": "dude!", "y": "they want you even more. so they increased their offer by 10%. congratulations. looks like you'll have to stay."}, {"x": "how did you do that?", "y": "i am the master of possimpossible."}, {"x": "pretty radar chest. this is my wife.", "y": "no, i must go."}, {"x": "seriously? they are blond and stuffed. this is not your type?", "y": "maybe i did not like. my god, you think that the male spirit is really so simple, we all have a favorite type? lord.asian, big tits. i go to the bathroom, then i'm going."}, {"x": "you think it is possible that barney stinson has a girlfriend?", "y": "a plus."}, {"x": "wait. where are you going?", "y": "nowhere. at the beach. it's winter. laser tag. at home. shut up! it is you who are going somewhere."}, {"x": "he stops.", "y": "what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "where is she?", "y": "who?"}, {"x": "your girlfriend. you did not really like, huh?", "y": "these are my friends. ted, marshall, lily and robin.guys, here is loretta. my mother."}, {"x": "you call your mother every day?", "y": "mom!"}, {"x": "so that's what we hide you? you did not want people to know that you're a momma's boy.", "y": "yes, you got me. i guess you can leave."}, {"x": "who are these people?", "y": "ted, marshall, lily, robin. i present to you betty... my wife. and my son, tyler."}, {"x": "but forget, one meatloaf, after what was said dr. grossbard on your cholesterol.", "y": "she wants me to live long."}, {"x": "guilty. i love you.", "y": "me too."}, {"x": "me-seven!", "y": "will in, little rascal! i'll see you at the bar?"}, {"x": "what's that, barney?", "y": "it's a long story. as you know, my father had to leave my mother when i was a baby because he became presenter of the just price."}, {"x": "bob barker is your father.", "y": "she had to raise my brother and i, all alone. and his only wish was that his son did not end up alone like her. and there seven years, she fell ill."}, {"x": "i'm pregnant!", "y": "and then my mother went better. it was miraculous.but i had to keep \"betty\" and make a casting to find my son, tyler."}, {"x": "it's crazy. did you actually cast your own son?", "y": "for a while, it was enough to borrow / keep the baby from neighbors. and once at christmas, my mother was drunk at the grog, i went out with a bag of flour and a chucky mask.but eventually i had to audition."}, {"x": "you said if i slept with you, my son would have the role.", "y": "apparently i'm better actor than your son. bring those from 11!"}, {"x": "come on, grant looks pretty good.", "y": "really? look. tyler? tyler? tyler? grant?"}, {"x": "yes?", "y": "you see? this is amateur work. believe me, the child stars had better possession in the 80s."}, {"x": "it's a huge karate kid poster above your bed.", "y": "karate kid's a great movie. this is the story of a young karate enthusiast whose dreams led him to karate championship all star valley. unfortunately, he loses in the final against another loser. but he learned an important lesson in accepting his defeat."}, {"x": "wait. when you watch karate kid, you are the wicked little blonde?", "y": "no, i'm for the other loser from new jersey who barely knows karate. when i watch karate kid, i'm for real karate kid johnny lawrence of cobra kai dojo. do not get dumber than you are, lily."}, {"x": "you must tell the truth to your mother, ok? listen, this is a nice woman, loving, a little too direct that deserves better.", "y": "no, no question. the truth would k*ll her."}, {"x": "nothing. you want to go do it again in the bedroom of barney?", "y": "on the bed \"race car\"?"}, {"x": "meatloaf? tyler to love!", "y": "we talked about it a million times! you get no slogan!"}, {"x": "but it's funny.", "y": "i can make another cast. will remember your sentences for the big dinner scene."}, {"x": "wait. you wrote that we will have dinner?", "y": "just a little script. things that my mother will be pleased to hear."}, {"x": "and i really thought that barney had forgot our anniversary. so i rushed into the garden, smoke coming out of my ears.", "y": "the nostrils dilated. they do it when she gets mad. i love it. as now. like now!"}, {"x": "you better stop!", "y": "sorry, my little bear. continues. you really like that for a relationship."}, {"x": "and my boy ty-ty. what's new?", "y": "funny story, the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. he came to tell us what it was, you remember what you said?"}, {"x": "well...", "y": "page 4..."}, {"x": "thank you very much, man. tonight i will not sleep.", "y": "tyler said \"in my nightmare, mom and you did not know how much i loved you. so i'm here to say it was great...like that. \""}, {"x": "it was cute.", "y": "we're a happy family."}, {"x": "i will take a little ice in the freezer downstairs and make the ice creams in the kitchen.", "y": "no weak link in this scene. bravo!"}, {"x": "you can stop with that?", "y": "go and eat your ice."}, {"x": "i can not. i'm lactose intolerant.", "y": "guess who is not lactose intolerant tyler. tyler will go there and enjoy every bite."}, {"x": "it's time for ice!", "y": "yum!"}, {"x": "tyler dislike.", "y": "you're not gonna get us out a slogan."}, {"x": "i do not understand.", "y": "i, yes. follow me. i... been betrayed by my best friend.how could you do that, ted? think of the poor tyler who tries valiantly to hold back tears. it's good my boy, you can cry.weep!"}, {"x": "i do not want my mom and dad divorced!", "y": "what can you have to say for yourself?"}, {"x": "is it i who betrayed, or that you have betrayed me?", "y": "sorry. what?"}, {"x": "november 14, 1998. the night train to monte carlo. i was in the car pool arnaquant algerians few thousand dinars, while thou s\u00e9duisais my bride! who is blind and took you for me.", "y": "for god's sake, what are you talking?"}, {"x": "you know not well what i mean?", "y": "no, not at all."}, {"x": "of course i do! and for sure i'll hear you admit it, manure!", "y": "mom, you leave us a moment?"}, {"x": "there was chocolate and caramel. there are lots of kinds of noodles and marshmallows.", "y": "you've lost your mind?"}, {"x": "honestly, i played a really ted, i tried not to be him.", "y": "what's wrong with you? how do i explain this to my mother?"}, {"x": "honey, you okay?", "y": "mom, i've got something to tell you. something i should have told you long ago. tyler is dying. and betty said that when he is gone, it will go out. so it may soon be over."}, {"x": "my god!", "y": "none of this is true! the truth is that... betty and tyler are actors i hired to pretend to be my family."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i just wanted you to think i had the life you wanted for me. i wanted you to be proud of me. it sounds crazy, and i'm sorry, mom."}, {"x": "well, betty is not your wife?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "thank you god! i do not like this woman.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "yes. and tyler... i know i am his grandmother and i'm supposed to love him, but i hate him. \"tyler not love! \"what does that mean?", "y": "is it not?"}, {"x": "with your fake friends over there, i wanted to sh**t myself.", "y": "i know! they are not horrible? so really, you angry with me?"}, {"x": "i'm confused. i do not know why you thought having to do that. i love you, perfect family or not. i love you, no matter what.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "really.", "y": "i'm really relieved because in reality, i am also far from being a married man can be. my stories with women you would shock and horrify you."}, {"x": "whatever. i love you always.", "y": "seriously, you can not imagine what i could do."}, {"x": "when you were 3 years old, i left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with grand funk railroad, from one guy to another like a bang.", "y": "mom!"}, {"x": "the taxi is here.", "y": "i'll try."}, {"x": "this makeup has one month to go. i met with parents of lily. i have never looked so stupid.", "y": "so far. tells the story, tells the story!"}, {"x": "wait. it's really funny?", "y": "i'm not kidding. i almost do not want you to hear, because really, for the rest of your life, nothing will ever be as fun and you, curse you for agreeing to hear. you gotta hear it.this is too funny."}, {"x": "yeah, or the fallopian tube.", "y": "wait. expect. i want to say."}, {"x": "okay. say it.", "y": "he searched his bag to get his stuff, and... no, say it.it's more fun if you say so. let me say it. no, say it. you say.say it. at the same time. no, go ahead."}, {"x": "i forgot...", "y": "he forgot his pants!"}, {"x": "she came to see you in college and when you had my back turned, she brought the guys in your room?", "y": "respect."}, {"x": "are you kidding!", "y": "the pants!"}, {"x": "why do you want to lunch with an ex?", "y": "good question, there are four reasons for a \"meal ex '.1 they want to get back together."}, {"x": "happy is that way at last. you know, after you have rejected nine times, i almost drop.", "y": "but you did not do it, you've continued to insist."}, {"x": "actually, there is one thing i wanted to give you.", "y": "g*n! she's got a g*n!"}, {"x": "we did well to break.", "y": "or four you taunt with their success."}, {"x": "how to say goodbye in these situations? a kiss on the cheek, too familiar. a handshake, too formal.", "y": "and a hug is like a hug in public."}, {"x": "the pants.", "y": "the pants! the pants!"}, {"x": "it was nothing! i had a small problem, so i called lily.", "y": "tell us, what was this concern?"}, {"x": "ted, you're not going out so easily. while the history of pants is fun...", "y": "fun? rather, very fun."}, {"x": "you did what?", "y": "how could you?"}, {"x": "i'll have a beer. you want one? a beer. i decanted bordeaux.", "y": "ted, that's for sure, it's fun to look back when you were a farm girl fresh complexion and a virgin. but all that stuff... ohio, karen, in college... it was a.s. \"before stinson.\" now your life is great! okay, you still live with your ex, which is ridiculous. laser tag your skills are almost nonexistent. and your wardrobe, it's like, what, you're allergic to fabric quality?seriously, pull yourself together. what are we talking?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "pant, pant..."}, {"x": "okay! lily came to the office to bring me my pants...", "y": "why she did this?"}, {"x": "because i forgot.", "y": "lily, what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "i just give something to marshall.", "y": "he \"give\" something. understood. nice."}, {"x": "but i'm in a hurry. i can give it to you?", "y": "of course, yes."}, {"x": "and you give him?", "y": "wait. i do not know. yours had better be really good."}, {"x": "what are you talking?", "y": "what about you?"}, {"x": "marshall forgot his pants, so i brought him one.", "y": "he forgot his pants. good thing you came because today it has an important meeting, and it would be embarrassing and not at all funny if it were to show no pants. i will make sure he has."}, {"x": "and you did not give him.", "y": "theodore evelyn mosby. of course i gave him. i gave him my word. it is concrete. for cons, i made a few alterations."}, {"x": "auditions for oliver twist are down!", "y": "please, can i have more... pants?"}, {"x": "sorry, can not stay.", "y": "it's unfortunate!"}, {"x": "i arrive.", "y": "i do not know what it is, this shrew. okay, she has boobs, but... in fact, i see."}, {"x": "that is clear.", "y": "i've never seen."}, {"x": "sure!", "y": "i've never seen."}, {"x": "weather.", "y": "i've never seen."}, {"x": "sorry.", "y": "i just said."}, {"x": "i knew you were listening!", "y": "we should not celebrate. ted has just been dumped.tell us everything, everything that happened. seriously, do not forget any details. she said what? you, you said what? how you going? if you had to redo it from start, perhaps you...?"}, {"x": "that's it. she's gone.", "y": "what a story. what courage to share it with us."}, {"x": "wait. that's your pajamas? you sleep in pajamas suit?", "y": "of course. you think i'm sleeping in it?"}, {"x": "it's not look comfortable at all. you wear a tie.", "y": "first, it's a tie night. second, it's not for comfort. this class is to be at any time."}, {"x": "why have the class at any time?", "y": "let me tell you a story that happened to me recently."}, {"x": "this is not \"a\" skin flick, it's the scene... forget it.", "y": "but it could happen. if it happened and i was in top form for these oiled b*tches, i would regret it."}, {"x": "sorry, dude, but it is the nightwear most ridiculous i've seen in my life. finally...", "y": "marshall wearing a nightgown! he wears a nightgown! you know when they say, \"remember, he was wearing a nightgown? \"it is now! this is a nightgown. call it, \"held danger of ninja,\" if you want. you stay still a tr*nsv*stite."}, {"x": "i do not care. it's comfortable.", "y": "nice to fly to neverland with peter pan? me, again! it was nice to get out of bed to accompany charlie to the chocolate? oh, me, me! something about scrooge! come on, guys. i do all the work."}, {"x": "why was it on your dresser?", "y": "it is pretty!"}, {"x": "bridge! i won!", "y": "you know not to play bridge, eh?"}, {"x": "you're better off without her.", "y": "if the angel clarence says it's true, it should be."}, {"x": "you know what? go ahead, laugh.", "y": "why are you wearing this stuff?"}, {"x": "several reasons.", "y": "you can not even give five."}, {"x": "three my grandfather was olaf and he d*ed at 107 years. four no elastic waistband leaving its mark around my thanksgiving belly. and five each night as i sleep, it's the most wonderful and free feeling in the world. i feel... as if i was flying. that's how i'm going to bed at night happy, light. with a heart full of joy. and you?", "y": "i have to stand still to avoid offending my pajama suit.but at least i do not wear a dress."}, {"x": "i can not believe it. i need another drink.", "y": "i feel a little breeze there. it's nice."}, {"x": "you think that's good? come to the mouth of heating.it's like your bazaar was on a tropical island.", "y": "the little barney says \"mahalo.\""}, {"x": "too glad you watched that one!", "y": "my god, what has happened?"}, {"x": "you have not seen the show?", "y": "the show! sorry. it happened something?"}, {"x": "a shirt.", "y": "it's called a shirt."}, {"x": "i want to hear!", "y": "calm down! let us be calm! i have a question. this is how when you're in bed?"}, {"x": "soot, breadcrumbs, placenta. you have not even registered?", "y": "you're at home, every night, and lily layer always with you?"}, {"x": "yeah, marriage, man, unconditional love. you can wear what you want and you get laid.", "y": "tell me about marriage."}, {"x": "sometimes when you're married, the smell of breakfast wakes you ready.", "y": "the coffee too?"}, {"x": "the cafe also. sometimes she even puts a vase of fresh flowers.", "y": "i love flowers. and sometimes when you're afraid of making wrong choices and you're not the one you wanted to be, what it does?"}, {"x": "it says you're great and everything will be fine.", "y": "it's beautiful. and it helps you to find other girls to sleep with?"}, {"x": "yes, and i also know that the draft of the new headquarters was abandoned last month. nice try.", "y": "look at scarlett johansson at the oscars. if i could get a celebrity, it would be scarlett johansson. canon, talented and you do not turn as woody allen's father without issue."}, {"x": "you know, the celebrities, they like really weird sex stuff. believe me.", "y": "how do you know that?"}, {"x": "please, calm down. you swallow too much air.", "y": "but before you poursuives, i'm flattered, but technically i'm not a celebrity. also, one last time, the mask, it was a joke."}, {"x": "as you collect stamps or coins. but i say nothing.", "y": "tell us at least the weird thing he wanted to do."}, {"x": "i do not even know of canadian sex act.", "y": "you have the sled dog, the lobster trap, the mounted police."}, {"x": "how do you know that?", "y": "canadiansexact.org, this is a favorite."}, {"x": "point org?", "y": "yeah. it's nonprofit. they just want to disseminate information."}, {"x": "i just had a conversation strange. a woman at the gnb told me that the new tower was abandoned last month. it's crazy, right? what is this look?", "y": "it is said? it should."}, {"x": "no. i want to.", "y": "there's been no light."}, {"x": "tell him, you're his best friend.", "y": "no, it's you."}, {"x": "no, it's really you. shhh, it happens.", "y": "white or asian? you see, i hardly know him."}, {"x": "i'm frustrated. the least innovative thing in my drawings, bilson cuts with a machete. i hate to depend on what kind of guy.", "y": "you should leave the project."}, {"x": "it is clear, leave him. it is unworthy of you.", "y": "it's decided. a new beginning! may the winds be with you..."}, {"x": "are you kidding? they still come to turn a guy in my box.bilson, is heavy, it is clear, but without this project, i have more work.", "y": "it's funny you mention the project. because..."}, {"x": "thank you. i needed it. well, i go back to work. i must insert a plank in the dark hallway of bilson. you have understood me.", "y": "what was that?"}, {"x": "i have an idea. the next two months ted has paid anyway. we could not let it continue and not to tell her? he had a tough year. let the fun a little.", "y": "you suggest a complicated lie in the long term that implies a lot of discipline. a guy like you will not succeed."}, {"x": "but if i can.", "y": "lie to me, there."}, {"x": "i have a spaceship.", "y": "what kind of fuel?"}, {"x": "i have no spaceship.", "y": "but no! defend yourself! if someone asks, diverts it from the original lie with other lies. i show you. i have a pony.question me."}, {"x": "it is what color?", "y": "when i was dandelion, her complexion was of a deep hazel, unfortunately, his barn is located near a chemical plant, which contaminated water. over time, it became a dull gray and the vet can not do anything to help."}, {"x": "not at all.", "y": "you've been slow."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "wayne gretzky, former hot wheels, an eskimo kneeling."}, {"x": "wait. if they canceled the project a month ago, why did i go every week to see the new working group?", "y": "of course, you could not see you point and bilson."}, {"x": "good job.", "y": "all right!"}, {"x": "when you played third base for the softball team gnb.", "y": "there is no softball team. we just rented a field, a bunch of guys together so they make you a hero."}, {"x": "false! never lie to his friends. i should never have lied.", "y": "really? and this open mic night at the comedy club?"}, {"x": "super. very funny.", "y": "fatal... thursday evening for everyone."}, {"x": "hello, lying bastards. no lies before i go to work to get fired?", "y": "nice shirt."}, {"x": "if it's a lie, it's really bad. and i will do what?", "y": "this is the p.t.e. 18th floor. basically, bilson wants a piece like that, two floors above us."}, {"x": "wait, what is a p.t.e.?", "y": "room for transitional employees."}, {"x": "what does that mean?", "y": "it's a place where a manager and an employee initiate a transfer of knowledge about an impending career change."}, {"x": "gnb think we need a safe place to meet new.", "y": "it's serious there."}, {"x": "leaving space dismissal, you get into what i call \"the renaissance corridor quiet.\" here, an oval room of rest with psychological support. right there, after the fountain of the new departure. and here it is. instead of a sad and gloomy cell, a protective womb... giving birth to a new life.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "my god. i am so excited. i will read.", "y": "read it."}, {"x": "i do not understand any of these words.", "y": "one of them is supposed to be famous?"}, {"x": "my hiccups are gone. perhaps forever.", "y": "you again. you even found a way to spoil it. why?why let yourself do we as a country?"}, {"x": "i can not work for large corporations with no heart. in selling me your \"working group\", i was the most inspired work of my career. in fact, you reminded me how my job could be fun when i'm not dealing with bilson, so... i resigned.", "y": "they've turned, eh?"}, {"x": "it's exciting.", "y": "with this economy?"}, {"x": "ultimately, i am grateful.", "y": "what was it with bilson?"}, {"x": "after he proposed a career change, i made an impromptu presentation with a four-step approach that put him in the knee.", "y": "you've hit with a chair?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "well done."}, {"x": "people freaked out because of a calibrated in suits who bothered their children?", "y": "yeah, almost."}, {"x": "my shoulder!", "y": "come on."}, {"x": "stinson, in my office! now!", "y": "sh*t."}, {"x": "foul play, three stampedes, and now this! stinson, you are a ball!", "y": "i know, i'm not your precious rules, mccracken, but, damn, the results are there!"}, {"x": "listen, you're a good player laser tag. perhaps the best i've seen. but someday, you will hurt someone.maybe even you.", "y": "you forget what it's there. your fat ass is stuck here for too long."}, {"x": "i can not believe i do that. but i'll leave you one last chance. but be aware, if you exceed the limits of a toe, you play the duck sh**ting in your mother's so fast it will make you dizzy. get out!", "y": "you regret it."}, {"x": "i can not believe you're kicked out of laser tag. are you gonna do?", "y": "what shall i do? i'll tell you that ted and i will do. we will introduce and apply the pq everywhere."}, {"x": "barney, you're too old to put toilet paper because you can play laser tag more. and by the way, too old for laser tag.", "y": "ted, laser tag has no age limit. as the striptease in the west midlle."}, {"x": "yeah, whatever. i added laser tag to the list of murtaugh.", "y": "no list of murtaugh."}, {"x": "yeah? no way! oranges, it's for the winners, and you little shits, you have not yet put one basket! shame on you, shame on you miss aldrin, and worse, necks make me ashamed! enough! su1c1de, on the line! and make it snappy!here we go.", "y": "there's nothing on this list for which you're too old. in fact, if you did everything on the murtaugh list, i would call it a nice weekend."}, {"x": "barney, you have more 18 years. if you did the whole list, you would die. it was not a challenge.", "y": "challenge accepted. the next 24 hours, i will do everything on the list. and after that, you go to the pq laser tag with me."}, {"x": "and if you fail?", "y": "i'll spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture."}, {"x": "an agreement of honor!", "y": "come on guys, you do it!"}, {"x": "there's some pretty hefty on the list. finally, do you really think barney is going to get ear pierced?", "y": "\"to pierce the ear. \"done. well, i go to a laundry at my mother. do you mind if i use your futon?"}, {"x": "there is no futon.", "y": "put it there, guys."}, {"x": "what's the matter?", "y": "it's on the list. \"landing on the futon with a friend rather than going to the hotel. \""}, {"x": "you got anything in your ear? it looks like the inside of a pumpkin after halloween.", "y": "what, this? just a quick foul '. just a kid like me has to worry about. then, \"pushing a medical\" on the list. hold on. bar here..."}, {"x": "it is not stop! you know, it's funny, i came to teach them... do not stop running! all this time, it is they who have taught me things. you not being there! you fall!", "y": "done. \"drinking sh*ts with strangers. \"done."}, {"x": "ok, barney? you seem to have a bad back.", "y": "no, it's just the raver's hump. i like it. it brings me closer to my glass. a youth! you should have a straw?"}, {"x": "everything that's chinese to me.", "y": "hi, this is barney."}, {"x": "and robin.", "y": "we can not answer because..."}, {"x": "he watches football and i'm...", "y": "part shopping. leave a message, you are reminded..."}, {"x": "... soon...", "y": "... we..."}, {"x": "... can!", "y": "\"making an autoresponder message to two annoying.\"done. it will probably cost me a few appointments, but it's okay."}, {"x": "your ear begins to feel.", "y": "it's good."}, {"x": "removes \"colonoscopy\" and \"sleeping with an old\", and is a cinch.", "y": "new bet, then. if you can finish your list before me, we will cover the laser pq and you pay toilet paper.biodegradable and not this crap. i want up there forever."}, {"x": "well, if i finished first, it's six hours of study of american architecture from the early 20th, and you can not ever do something in the list of murtaugh. this is for your own good.", "y": "bet held."}, {"x": "\"put on reading glasses. \"done. \"yelled the boy from the neighborhood. \"with pleasure. what happened to you?", "y": "i just had a little \"screw up my knee and it hurts\" incident."}, {"x": "how did you do?", "y": "it... \"helped to move the sixth floor walk against pizza and beer.\""}, {"x": "yes, ma'am. what is ironic is that...", "y": "ted calls. i want to go."}, {"x": "got up at 4am... done.", "y": "it answers?"}, {"x": "i have not called yet.", "y": "hurry up, robin."}, {"x": "okay. \"take time to answer the phone. \"", "y": "come on, ted. i was given aspirin and i do not think it was."}, {"x": "as a manager, i threw in the towel. this bet is over.your ear looks like a danish pastry in a french breakfast.", "y": "no, he remains a. \"the beer funnel. \""}, {"x": "yes, it's... a little hot. i hope this is not a problem.", "y": "no, no. okay. you won, i hate it. i hate it. my back is k*lling me. at the rave, i was mistaken for a cop. i have an earache so i can hear... i hear my own ear. think about it. my clothes... what... take that! i have redeemed you your best costume for twice its price. this is... $ 30. and throw the shoes. you won, ted. i will not make anything of the murtaugh list. i'm too old for this stuff."}, {"x": "... that murtaugh kept repeating \"i'm too old for this stuff,\" but every time he says, he changes his mind, made another movie, and stuff. what i'm trying to say is that... the toilet, age.will cover the pq laser tag.", "y": "and then the hospital."}, {"x": "come on. she will not like it. it's funny for the guys, not girls.", "y": "it's sexist! when it's funny, it's funny. lily's cool. she'll love it."}, {"x": "tell it.", "y": "ready? what is the difference between jam and nutella? it's funny."}, {"x": "yeah, i can not hang out with you.", "y": "come on. it's funny. this is..."}, {"x": "i told you so.", "y": "she'll be back."}, {"x": "i've suggested! i removed the felt. i make fun of that? the felt is back.", "y": "you know for layoffs?"}, {"x": "yes, i know. i tag. are you worried?", "y": "are you kidding? i know one thing about this company. i will never be fired. it is likely that one day i was stranded on a beach with no footprints or teeth, but i will not fire."}, {"x": "i would like to have your insurance.", "y": "you just gotta find a way to make you absolutely critical."}, {"x": "i work harder than anyone in my division.", "y": "keep your job has nothing to do with being a hard worker. you need something."}, {"x": "what do you mean something?", "y": "you know, something that makes you funny and loved, as marcus denisco."}, {"x": "i love chow-man. they can not fire him. you know what i like about chow-man?", "y": "it's always food."}, {"x": "it's always food.", "y": "you see? you need it. you need that thing that makes you a man."}, {"x": "i have this thing that makes me a guy. maybe even a guy and a half.", "y": "not this stuff. you know, something. toy-like man."}, {"x": "that's great!", "y": "claw tape!"}, {"x": "i love toy-man.", "y": "you see? you need something. youtube-like man."}, {"x": "you're right. i need something.", "y": "but choose wisely. you want to become the horrible man massage."}, {"x": "okay, but pj does not help.", "y": "if ted says that pj is necessary to society, then pj will go nowhere."}, {"x": "you see? it is useful.", "y": "pj is a guy? pj, this is not a hottie you f*ck?"}, {"x": "no, i guide him.", "y": "a guide. i guided a young, once. i made him my co-pilot. then one day, he hired an assistant to work 3 meters from her room, which... check it out... is not a hottie, proving he has never listened. you know how to call this type?"}, {"x": "ted mosby?", "y": "maybe. i remember more. because for me he is dead pj will receive a mail with a disruptive place, it should in any circumstances be three days and then send it to me."}, {"x": "i thought of something to become indispensable.the ecolo-man! everyone loves recycling, eh?", "y": "fired. what else you got?"}, {"x": "i have others. ties-fun-man.", "y": "fired."}, {"x": "info-unusual-man?", "y": "did you know? whether you're fired?"}, {"x": "stretch-man?", "y": "upside down vir\u00e9."}, {"x": "the monty-python-man?", "y": "we are the knights who say... you're fired."}, {"x": "wait! i ran a simulation league baseball in school.", "y": "not bad. you got maybe something."}, {"x": "great! great! i simulates-man!", "y": "actually, you'll sports-man. we have already simulates-man."}, {"x": "ok, guys?", "y": "hi, frank."}, {"x": "mr. mosby and i are going camping on the roof.", "y": "sports-man. i heard people talking about your club."}, {"x": "really, dude, i know not how long i'll keep.", "y": "last week you were a waste that nobody was looking.now you're sports-man."}, {"x": "a waste?", "y": "last week!"}, {"x": "this is our apartment. you let a cake on the counter, mama's going to offer a slice.", "y": "i've told you, commits a pretty assistant with whom you can sleep instead of hiring an assistant with whom robin sleeps. of course he'll sleep with her. it is the coolest on the planet. i am off topic! you're an idiot! this is my message!you're an idiot! an angry person, that's not enough! marshall with me!"}, {"x": "dude, why are you so upset that ted does not sleep with the people he hires?", "y": "because it hurts!"}, {"x": "how so?", "y": "it hurts because i love... when ted... layer with women. i am a very devoted friend! lily is the only one i can talk. tell him to talk to me."}, {"x": "i'll try, but no warranty. she is still shocked by this joke. this joke. it tore our group, which turns the people i love against the other. frankly, i would... i would like this joke is never entered our lives.", "y": "it's funny anyway, right?"}, {"x": "you do not use this short-stop that the mariners have discussed. i must have.", "y": "you see, sports-man. people adore you."}, {"x": "apparently, robin and pj are together again.", "y": "you're kidding!"}, {"x": "how are you?", "y": "as lily not speaking to me, i must tell you something.and it's not easy to say, ok? i... wait... 'm... wait... love...wait... of... wait... a... wait... some... wait..."}, {"x": "i know you're in love with robin.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "lily told me.", "y": "she told you? great. i guess you marrez my back all this time."}, {"x": "actually, oddly, we both think you're meant for each other.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "it even tries to sit on the same side for you to sit side by side.", "y": "really? this is so cute. but let's be clear. i do not like it, ok? it's just that... i miss when she is not there. i think about her all the time, i guess one day we will run towards each other in slow motion and i wear a suede jacket."}, {"x": "tell her how you feel?", "y": "no. perhaps. ever. i know not. listen... i just need to get rid of that idiot pj. if lily was there, she would know how to get rid of him."}, {"x": "i can perhaps help you.", "y": "you're not lily. lily is a diabolical puppet master, the subtle situations to achieve its ends. this is evil incarnate. you have the right. cling to it."}, {"x": "i'll find something.", "y": "hire the kid as his assistant. he does all the work and you're still sports-man. evil incarnate, eriksen. evil incarnate."}, {"x": "i had the number of that girl. look. holly.", "y": "owl. the girls with a name ending in ly are dirty.holly, kelly, carly, lily."}, {"x": "yeah, it's true.", "y": "and not to mention the girls with names ending in i instead of a y. these girls are like rides. you make the long tail, but once inside, you hold on, hoping not to lose your keys."}, {"x": "you know what i'm going to do? i'll call on. i will do \"you remember me? it's been a \". it's funny because i just saw.", "y": "you can not. you must wait three days before calling.this is the rule."}, {"x": "this rule is completely outdated. they know exactly what you do. i have another rule. it's a bit crazy, but i call it, \"you like him, you call him.\"", "y": "sorry. can you repeat that? i do not mean the i-f*ck-ever."}, {"x": "my rule of three days, it is anything. who invented it?", "y": "jesus."}, {"x": "barney, do not do that. not with jesus.", "y": "seriously. jesus began this thing for three days. he waited three days to return to life. it was perfect. if he had waited one day we would not have known he was dead! they would have said \"jesus, are you? \"and jesus would probably have said,\" you okay? i d*ed yesterday! \"and they would say\" you have the air alive, man. \" and they should explain his resurrection. and the miracle. and then the guy would say, \"okay, whatever you want, dude.\""}, {"x": "the dialogues seem pompous old now.", "y": "and he will not come back on a saturday. everyone is busy doing chores. weave, cut the beard. no. it looked exactly the right number of days... three."}, {"x": "i promise, i'll wait three days. stop talking.", "y": "and it's sunday, they are all already in the church.they are all there, \"no, jesus d*ed.\" then, bam! he burst through the door, crossed the aisle, everyone is excited. and by the way, that's where he invented the \"tope there! \"3 days.we wait three days to call a woman because it is the time that jesus wants us to wait. true story."}, {"x": "bizarre. holly sent a message to ted talking about a meal generro. a second. band of bastards!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you are holly! so ted did not send messages to holly? he sent to you?", "y": "we knew he would try to call three days before, so i took his cell phone and changed his number from mine."}, {"x": "we wanted to call the chopper too early, but then he... sent text messages.", "y": "\"piti texting\"?"}, {"x": "poor, little ted. it should... he should say it estnous.", "y": "yeah. or... it pretends to holly and we are in the bath."}, {"x": "it's better. it was funny. he should say that it is us.", "y": "it should. or... it is said that red is our favorite color and found the look \"cowboy\" sexy."}, {"x": "i wear them right now and they are very sexy.", "y": "he put the boots!"}, {"x": "he bluntly put! it was great! but it's time to tell him that he wears.", "y": "or... we remove our shirts."}, {"x": "it's better.", "y": "maybe that door below, a black bra with lace."}, {"x": "i believe that wearing anything underneath.", "y": "it is hot."}, {"x": "there, he wears only cowboy boots! here we go!", "y": "too! tell him we slowly drag our... what do we do?"}, {"x": "no, actually it was for his good. it protects it from itself. he really likes this girl. he had that look.", "y": "the crazy eyes, \"i'm going too fast and i will f*ck up everything.\""}, {"x": "the same he had with you the first time.", "y": "we all know what it gave."}, {"x": "it's been that ted did not like someone. he stored much... we thought him to say \"i love you\" when he contacted her.", "y": "and it's coming. it shows all the telltale signs."}, {"x": "first he jokes with the marriage.", "y": "\"you like architecture? we should get married. ha-ha.mdr. just kidding. so what? \""}, {"x": "deuzio it's far too early suggestions crazy travel.", "y": "\"i like beer. we should go to germany. mdr. jp.mdr. \""}, {"x": "third it says too early personal things.", "y": "\"my parents divorced two years there. it was really hard. mdr. \""}, {"x": "yeah, but that's the problem. ted did not say \"i love you\" as easily as we thought.", "y": "and then we met stan."}, {"x": "super stan. who is it?", "y": "a guard who works nights."}, {"x": "he eats here every day.", "y": "and he had not finished."}, {"x": "it's... really nice.", "y": "no matter. it's ok."}, {"x": "i do not know... what comes to the bread here, but it touches me... here... and here.", "y": "well, if ted does not say, i will. i love you."}, {"x": "it is perhaps not in love with us.", "y": "how is this possible? it's all there waiting!"}, {"x": "that guy you fell in love. i hope his girlfriend is not jealous. he spoke of a friend or...?", "y": "all was well until he sends a text message for lily and ruins everything."}, {"x": "it's okay. it's over now. i have to leave, but that's what happens you call it now, tell him what you did and apologize.got it?", "y": "yes. or..."}, {"x": "he replied! \"i probably should not tell you, finally, we barely knew, but never mind, i say it anyway. \"", "y": "that's it, man. this is the \"i love you.\""}, {"x": "i would like stan to be there.", "y": "stan. what?"}, {"x": "\"i sometimes have dreams about my gay best friend.\"", "y": "\"i sometimes have dreams about my gay best friend. \""}, {"x": "ted why send text messages to a girl he barely knows, where he says he dreams about me gay?", "y": "easy. you? he speaks clearly to me."}, {"x": "dude, i'm his best friend.", "y": "okay, one it has never been proven. two if anyone had any dreams about gays one of us would be on me! finally, look at me. now look at you. an octogenarian still in her closet would not be in this state."}, {"x": "that's the trick. i hug you, no. who would not want to cuddle in this case, on sunday morning? wrapped in the quilt while it is raining, and there are muffins in the oven. i'm cuddly, bitch. you must do.", "y": "i train every day. one thing we know about ted is that he likes a nice body. this body would vibrate."}, {"x": "ted and i, we lived. i know what he likes. there are things i can do it... he \u00e9poustoufleraient why do they sleep with ted?", "y": "i know. it's weird."}, {"x": "it's a bit weird, but... i had a strange dream yesterday. it's a bit embarrassing.", "y": "you can tell us. this is a secure area."}, {"x": "that's it?", "y": "no more dreams? nothing disturbing or erotic?"}, {"x": "and.. why should i \"make me\" one of you?", "y": "machines force you. they want to watch. that's how they erupt."}, {"x": "sorry. it was just trying to help you.", "y": "and also, it was really funny."}, {"x": "hi, friends.", "y": "you work right?"}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "what..."}, {"x": "wait. you can not just sit there and have your date with us?", "y": "yeah, it will be fun! look, i'm kidding! it explodes! do you like magic?"}, {"x": "someone has already put on youtube?", "y": "yeah... someone. so... why did you vomit? you're pregnant?"}, {"x": "why do you have told me? schlegel's? thank you! i'll have to find another new york place that serves bagels.", "y": "the bro's life magazine. page 83. look."}, {"x": "\"what does your paintball on your personality? \"", "y": "lowest."}, {"x": "\"the last 3 kilos how the push to lose. \"", "y": "highest."}, {"x": "petra petrova.", "y": "the girl of the year in may, according to bro's life magazine. a delicate flower in stiletto heel leopard thong and riding a 4x4."}, {"x": "these magazines are broken. it is certainly retouched.", "y": "i have an appointment with."}, {"x": "you are my hero! really? how did you do?", "y": "it's not in the story. i waited a long time to say that.this girl... is the daughter."}, {"x": "of course it is. marry them! it.", "y": "marrying? i have something even more special in mind. petra, if all goes well, will be my... wait, my 200th! can not wait. too exciting."}, {"x": "the 200th with that... get laid?", "y": "who i'll lie. i want the highest \"tope there.\""}, {"x": "even if i was wearing protective clothing. 200 is too much!", "y": "as if there could be too much of something wonderful.\"babe ruth, gently, my grandfather. do not hit too many home runs. steve guttenberg, you should not do that three police academy. america has laughed enough. \""}, {"x": "who are these girls? it was rhetorical. show me the list.", "y": "199 satisfied customers. finally, the big night is thursday. i give a reception before, in mcclaren's. prepares a toast. tuxedo optional but desired. gifts are, i would say useless, but follow your heart."}, {"x": "200 is too much.", "y": "it's not too much."}, {"x": "it's not too much.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "do not misunderstand. you're disgusting and the cops should put a shoe on your part, but this number should be higher. after barney told me about that, i reviewed the figures and... i have some graphics. barney dredge about 20 girls a week.", "y": "it's more than 20. b. does nothing more precise estimate."}, {"x": "let 20. so 20 girls a week, that's 1,040 girls a year.in its 16 years of sexual activity, it would mean that he has dredged 16,640 girls. if he has slept with 199, it's a success rate... slightly higher than one per cent. this is an average of 12 hits, eight times worse than average in career... launcher in one hand, the launcher... jim abbott.", "y": "jealous. jealous. hero. strangely silent during this conversation on his number of sexual partners. hero. the grand total, it is the only number that matters."}, {"x": "who said so?", "y": "matthew panning, the stud of port richmond college."}, {"x": "stinson, you're an amateur. i bet you've never done.", "y": "you neither."}, {"x": "how many times i have to tell you? i did it with 100 girls. fifth in school from my cousin in long island.", "y": "you know what, matthew? one day, i would have done with 200."}, {"x": "call me when it happens.", "y": "and i'll call."}, {"x": "i think he'll say it again very slowly.", "y": "i will... the call."}, {"x": "you have noted gaby allan dual, 78 and 162.", "y": "what? let me see. sixty... once. oh, my god. wait...i counted the same girl twice? that means i'm only at 198?"}, {"x": "it just means you're less than 0.5% was thought disgusting.", "y": "i win a czech supermodel in two hours. i can not waste it in the 199th. petra must be the 200th."}, {"x": "are you gonna do? you will find not a partner in the next 2 hours.", "y": "astronaut millionaire. you come home to see shells?"}, {"x": "get out.", "y": "i come from the grave of my wife. i buried her there was just one year. i miss her. i need comfort."}, {"x": "you're scary.", "y": "you're not as sick of all these games? i just want to settle down and have an army of toddlers at once."}, {"x": "i have a mass and i love to use it.", "y": "marshall? knowing how important it is for me, you think that lily... i would do the job..."}, {"x": "i'll k*ll you.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "you know, looking at the names on this list, i do not see a lot of ethnic diversity. it should really be questioned.", "y": "it's done. 199 made of, more than one. have you finished your drink? that's better."}, {"x": "it has happened to you what?", "y": "there... a girl in the gym. pauline. she runs after me for a while."}, {"x": "why wait till then?", "y": "it's not really my type."}, {"x": "ok, this is the hour of cardio.", "y": "good grief! mom!"}, {"x": "i hate to tell you this, but...", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you did the right gaby allan counted 2 times, but...you're also spent 138 to 138. have you used the same number twice.", "y": "so that means... pauline is not the 199th, it is the 200th?"}, {"x": "congratulations!", "y": "it must have petra! petra was to be the 200th!beautiful, feminine, \"unrestrained power in bed\", petra!"}, {"x": "go! happened to you at 200. you should be proud. you should be tested, but you should be proud. we do not care if pauline does not pose in bikinis in magazines.", "y": "it does. she will be in the next muscle sexxy. and like many women in this magazine, sexxy has two x and one y."}, {"x": "that's enough tables.", "y": "what about the graphics."}, {"x": "i'm not stupid. i know what you think of my paintings and graphics. in fact, i made a picture of your reactions to my paintings. see it. yes, that's true, since cecilia, your interest in my paintings do not stop falling. but based on recent trends, i also... projection boards! and look... a large peak of interest is coming! and it's not just a blip dead cat. it is a long-term growth.", "y": "it's you, sustained growth."}, {"x": "sorry, there is a star of earth? start.", "y": "i slept with 200 women."}, {"x": "my god! this is too much. finally... it's disgusting.have you thought of consulting as a sex addict? you're the perfect candidate.", "y": "you've thought of consulting as \"i win, you lose\"?suddenly, your 100 girls in fifth, it is so impressive."}, {"x": "100 girls? this is what it is? i lied!", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "i was 12, i was lying of course. i had no ewok companion.", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "your adult life is built on... something... on which i lied to 12?", "y": "jealous?"}, {"x": "you're f*cked up. he f*cked up, right?", "y": "well played, sir."}, {"x": "i think you've been great.", "y": "i would say even more. you, sir, did think stella. \"ted looked so cool now. do i chose the wrong? \"wait a week. the bush on the back. and belly. have you felt that? there was an earthquake \"tope-there\"."}, {"x": "tony is rich? tell me that you wrote a check. tell me that you did a very big check. so big that he not remove his shirt to go swimming.", "y": "it's a very big check. if big, that if you sleep with, you would not tell your friends."}, {"x": "it's...", "y": "a very big check!"}, {"x": "i will not be a professor. that's what you do when your career is in trouble and you have to pay the bills. manager of small business. the lung of the economy. i will not take this job, okay? i'll get through. new topic.", "y": "okay. today, i had a $ 200 fine for speeding."}, {"x": "that sucks, dude. you did not manage to blow it up?", "y": "you can not blow a fine."}, {"x": "you go to this address? follow me with the siren.it will burn red lights.", "y": "i would have done that too, if i went to a barbecue.slim, i went there."}, {"x": "handling a police officer with your sausage. it's sexy.", "y": "you think i can not blow a fine? you think i can not blow my fine? i am barney stinson, master of manipulation. if i managed to make me pay for a stripper to dance, i can blow a fine. challenge accepted... wait."}, {"x": "now that's a very big check.", "y": "let's go."}, {"x": "driver and vehicle registration.", "y": "of course, officer. on."}, {"x": "sir, this is a gift certificate for a custom italian suit.", "y": "so, what's good?"}, {"x": "you're wrong about that, man.", "y": "anything, robin. like you've already blown a fine."}, {"x": "i will not do it!", "y": "come on. mr. officer, please, my wife is having a baby! she just lost the waters!"}, {"x": "where is your wife?", "y": "she took the other car. it's italian leather, so... i... go..."}, {"x": "enter!", "y": "ok, you can do it. you can do it! you can do it."}, {"x": "driver and...", "y": "licensing and registration papers."}, {"x": "pardon?", "y": "you must have a permit to be as pretty. and this body? i imagine that something as expl*sive must be registered with the authorities."}, {"x": "exit the vehicle.", "y": "why, am i under arrest?"}, {"x": "it's from a p*rn. i saw him. sh*t, i did.", "y": "when will you understand the difference between my life and a p*rn is that my life has better lighting."}, {"x": "you're lying.", "y": "i'm not lying! i swear on my mother. i swear goliath national bank. i swear on my costumes. i... do... mens... not."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "it's me! this is barney. with the help! i have big problems!"}, {"x": "slow down. what's going on?", "y": "i imagine that something as expl*sive must be registered with the authorities."}, {"x": "get out.", "y": "why, am i under arrest?"}, {"x": "yes, i did a search. you have 15 offenses of the past three days. exit the vehicle.", "y": "no, my wife will give birth! i have a sausage with your name!"}, {"x": "get out!", "y": "you must come to brazzaville, in new jersey to take me out."}, {"x": "i'm a little busy.", "y": "come on. you have no idea what kind of criminals with whom they put me."}, {"x": "let's get our painting?", "y": "save me, ted!"}, {"x": "you pay the toll, eh? i laugh.", "y": "by the way, how's the girl you see? this superb french with huge tits?"}, {"x": "you talk about claudette? she is fine.", "y": "the highest good of all those with whom you're never out! ever!"}, {"x": "an old joke. i know you're tired of waiting and may require you to wait a little longer, but it happens, ted. and it happens as fast as she can.", "y": "you're back!"}, {"x": "when listening to this joke of peanut butter and jam, i was completely disgusted. but this morning in the shower, i thought about it and it made me laugh. peanut butter. so i think i could win. according to marshall.", "y": "it's good to see you, lily."}, {"x": "thank you. so what's new?", "y": "i'm in a world of amnesia with lots of pictures of my son and an alliance. i will find the best woman / woman and we will..."}, {"x": "i pass this building, so i see you in three days.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "a hat-shaped building.", "y": "it's time to talk?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "what do you think of robin?"}, {"x": "i have to really work, so...", "y": "awesome. say that is a tailor and you have found a nice suit. a nice suit canada. superb chest. you try it, but it does not suit you perfectly. so you return it. then i try it. i'm not too keen... a suit that you have caught the eye, but at the same time, i love this costume."}, {"x": "buy the costume. it is important to you. tell him how you feel.", "y": "but ted, remember your answer, because... the costume is robin. i know! okay?"}, {"x": "i'm with you.", "y": "now. for i have explained."}, {"x": "lily, i have to! it's useless to procrastinate.", "y": "forget it. it really is not class. at best, it sucks."}, {"x": "it looks to be a... sacred... spa.", "y": "owl. how do we go? we will do what? jump?"}, {"x": "look.", "y": "actually, it's not bad."}, {"x": "this is the permission i needed.", "y": "look, robin... i must tell you something."}, {"x": "wait. before that, i must tell you something.", "y": "what is it?"}, {"x": "you said what?", "y": "in your opinion? what we can say to that?"}, {"x": "you must be right. have fun.", "y": "you too, sweetie."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "once she told me that, more than feelings. i'm more in love."}, {"x": "you were in love with her, throughout the year and when she feels the same, you love him more.", "y": "it's not great?"}, {"x": "it is. it... is... go! it is.", "y": "tracey, tell lily what you just said."}, {"x": "what i just arrived in new york?", "y": "no, how you've arrived there."}, {"x": "i just get off the bus from iowa.", "y": "come off the bus from iowa! how lucky that apprentice... dancer off the bus from iowa... meeting... the producer of the rockettes?"}, {"x": "honey, you're there. you're really there.", "y": "you can make us one of those rum and beer, that your father loves so much?"}, {"x": "damn.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "everyone always says, \"do not tell lily. lily can not keep a secret. \"and, usually, they are right. but this time i kept the secret. and here you come with that crap and you force me to become the lily will spill the beans!", "y": "what song? there was a piece?"}, {"x": "there was a song.", "y": "the costume is robin. i know! okay?"}, {"x": "i'm with you.", "y": "now. as i explained..."}, {"x": "you're really pretty, but abnormally high and you will not believe in ghosts.", "y": "so... when she said love me, she meant... otherwise."}, {"x": "that's it. it worked well. you are back to normal.", "y": "yes. it's true. and it's great. it's great. so robin does not like me."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "you got b*at by a girl.", "y": "so... you're in love with me?"}, {"x": "what? yes. much.", "y": "you can stop. lily told me everything."}, {"x": "damn, lily!", "y": "i can not believe it."}, {"x": "it's just... you mean to me, barney. and... this kind of stuff, the emotional side. this is not your type. i thought you avoid that.", "y": "maybe i will not avoid it. i am perhaps. i have not wanted for a long time. but with you, it does not look so...difficult. i know not. i thought... you felt the same."}, {"x": "maybe. i know not. i am not good to face the feelings.there is clearly something... between us. maybe my head said, \"stifles it in the bud\" because my heart said... something else. listen... i feel for you. maybe even that i love you.", "y": "it's going pretty fast, do not you think?"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "we're good friends. why risk everything? friends?"}, {"x": "friends.", "y": "my god. you just do it again. you've mosbys\u00e9!"}, {"x": "but no.", "y": "but if, little flirtatious."}, {"x": "you're right. i've just mosbyser.", "y": "why are you scared to try?"}, {"x": "because i'm afraid of how i could love you.", "y": "bad idea."}, {"x": "you're right. there must be a mistake.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "i love you.", "y": "friends."}, {"x": "friends, then.", "y": "i love you."}, {"x": "let's get married.", "y": "no, you're smothering me."}, {"x": "ok, forget it.", "y": "you know what? we'll see later."}, {"x": "i'll tell you, i will eat more chops.", "y": "yeah, right."}, {"x": "sorry. whoo! it's just they kissed! they're finally a couple. oh, my god, you guys! this is our first double date! first of millions! what if our kids get married?! oh i love this!", "y": "yeah, lily, listen."}, {"x": "barney's awesome.", "y": "robin's more than just awe-\"some.\" she's awe-\"quite a bit.\" she's awe-\"a whole darn lot.\""}, {"x": "we're just not feeling it right now. but we'll totally still be friends.", "y": "oh yeah."}, {"x": "oh no, no, no. god, no. lily, it's not you. it's us.", "y": "yeah, it's us. you understand, right?"}, {"x": "a fedora! i'm indiana jones! i'm indiana jones!!", "y": "that, my friend, is the dominator 8000, the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy. yeah, i have a whip guy."}, {"x": "ok, i should get going. i got a date.", "y": "you're still seeing that guy?"}, {"x": "what!", "y": "i should go, too. i hooked up with this chinese girl last night and i don't know, it's weird. i already feel like seconds."}, {"x": "so, how long has this been going on?", "y": "all summer."}, {"x": "wow, wow...", "y": "girlfriend?"}, {"x": "slow your roll there, lilypad.", "y": "yeah, yeah."}, {"x": "we should figure out what this is.", "y": "yes, we should. or. or..."}, {"x": "okay, now, we have to figure this out.", "y": "yes, we do. or. or..."}, {"x": "we kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.", "y": "yeah, the talk sucks. you have to, like, talk. and be all, \"i don't know."}, {"x": "yeah, we knew you would say that. that's why we kept it a secret.", "y": "well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on."}, {"x": "no, no, no. you need to define the relationship. you ne to have the talk.", "y": "or. or..."}, {"x": "barney, it was awful. i was teaching...", "y": "ted, now's not a good time. where do you keep your condoms?"}, {"x": "i am freaking out. i don't think i can do this.", "y": "okay, look, mistake number 1 was taking that girl's question. you don't take questions on the first day. it shows weakness. mistake number 2 was you should've hit that. dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream. class dismissed."}, {"x": "i think what barney's saying is that definitions are important. you're their teacher, not their friend.", "y": "exactly."}, {"x": "if people don't know their place, nobody's happy.", "y": "amen."}, {"x": "you have to make things clear.", "y": "run tell that."}, {"x": "define the relationship.", "y": "yes! no! lily, private convo time."}, {"x": "you're not happy. you just think you're happy because you feel happy.", "y": "and that's not happy?"}, {"x": "of course not. you and robin need to have the talk.", "y": "why? give me one good reason."}, {"x": "i'll give you 20...", "y": "waow, you can't even think of one. headlights. dear. lily, for the last time, things with me and robin are as good as they can possibly be. oh, hey, look, brad's here."}, {"x": "hey barn!", "y": "hey brad."}, {"x": "sounds like you guys need to have the talk.", "y": "we're not gonna have the talk."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "thank you, ted."}, {"x": "because robin is already his girlfriend.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "maclaren's bar, four years ago...", "y": "how do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins."}, {"x": "\"gremlins\"?", "y": "gremlins. rule number 1. never get them wet. in otherords, don't let her take a shower at your place. number 2. keep them away from sunlight. i.e. don't ever see them"}, {"x": "what about brunch? is brunch cool?", "y": "no, ted. brunch is not cool."}, {"x": "ok, new topic. how do i pick a tie?", "y": "simple. remember in the movie predator..."}, {"x": "why not? lay it on me.", "y": "brad, we can't fight like this all night! we both got some good sh*ts in. let's call a truce!"}, {"x": "it's okay, dude. i shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.", "y": "wow, wow, wow, girlfriend? hey, come on."}, {"x": "that's putting it a bit strongly.", "y": "a bit strongly. she's not my girlfriend."}, {"x": "okay, seriously. we're at the point of physical v*olence. now, will you please have the talk?", "y": "because of that? come on. that's my thing. i'm always punching guys. girls... i'll punch a baby. i don't care."}, {"x": "we've been over this. unless i say \"flugelhorn\" you haven't gone too far.", "y": "no, i meant punching brad."}, {"x": "god. the doorknob's broken off. we're locked in here. did, did you do this?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "no. sit down, define the relationship, write down that definition on a piece of paper, slip it under the door, and if i like what i read, you can go.", "y": "we are not having the talk!"}, {"x": "nice job, ted.", "y": "hey, ted, door five! were you there?"}, {"x": "dude, i'm starving. let's... let's just have the stupid talk. come on.", "y": "fine. but how do these things even work? what do we say?"}, {"x": "where do you see this relationship going? my god, that sounds so cheesy.", "y": "i know, right?"}, {"x": "totally. but hum... where do you see this relationship going?", "y": "i don't know. i mean, it's not like i don't like you. i just haven't had a girlfriend"}, {"x": "maybe. but hum... i don't want to stop having sex.", "y": "good. me, neither."}, {"x": "friends isn't gonna work.", "y": "we're not good at being friends. we're not good at being in a relationship. what are we good at?"}, {"x": "i know something we're good at.", "y": "i don't know. if we're gonna do it again, i'm gonna need some gatorade..."}, {"x": "really. we sat down. we had the talk. barney's my boyfriend now.", "y": "and robin's my girlfriend. i know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say."}, {"x": "we're both afraid of commitment but... the fact is, we also can't live without each other.", "y": "and if the alternative is not being together, then it's worth taking this risk 'cause... she's awesome."}, {"x": "and he's awesome. he looks nice in a suit.", "y": "she can handle her scotch."}, {"x": "he's my boyfriend.", "y": "and she's my girlfriend."}, {"x": "she bought it.", "y": "hook, line, and sinker. we are good."}, {"x": "totally. so, you want to get some breakfast?", "y": "you know, brunch actually does sound kind of good."}, {"x": "well, lead the way, sweetie pie.", "y": "flugelhorn?"}, {"x": "it's nice to meet you, too.", "y": "guess who just got four tickets to the \"origins of chewbacca\" star wars exhibit?"}, {"x": "why?", "y": "no, i said, \"guess who?\""}, {"x": "what? no, what are you talking about? it can be our first double date as couples! and plus, it sounds awesome! is the original chewbacca going to be there?", "y": "peter mayhew, in the fur. who's with me?"}, {"x": "hey, do you think they'll have wookiee to english dictionaries there? i mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.", "y": "we're not going to the \"origins of chewbacca\" exhibit,marshall. it's inhouston this year. everyone knows that. i just wanted to get rid of the girls."}, {"x": "wait a second, the \"origins of chewbacca\" exhibit's inmontreal this year. everyone knows that. where are you taking me?", "y": "my guy in the da's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. but we're still stopping for chili dogs first."}, {"x": "barney, why are we here?", "y": "marshall, now that robin and i are together, i've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and lily."}, {"x": "thanks, man.", "y": "you're a terrible couple. lily has taken all the man out of you. i used to think that's just every relationship. but what i've got with robin proves that you can have a girlfriend and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time."}, {"x": "okay, right. so, if robin knew that you were here, she would be completely fine with it?", "y": "are you kidding? she'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles and a poncho for the 1030 jell-o show. bt-dub, i called ahead it's lime."}, {"x": "married!", "y": "what is wrong with you? you're just looking. it's like fantasizing about other women. it's harmless. wait. don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women."}, {"x": "i do! it's just not that easy.", "y": "false! i once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mudflaps. took me less than a mile."}, {"x": "and then watch out, because it is on!", "y": "that is the saddest thing i've ever heard. dude, lily gets you in real life she has no business in your fantasies."}, {"x": "it's all i know, okay? i can't, i can't help it.", "y": "i accept your invitation. marshall eriksen, from this day forward, i will be the wingman of your mind. now, focus on the next dancer. put lily completely out of your mind."}, {"x": "gentlemen, say hello j-j-j-jasmine.", "y": "ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like lily!"}, {"x": "yeah, i can't talk right now.", "y": "i'm speechless, too. everything's as perky as we've always imagined!"}, {"x": "uh, look, i got to go. take a picture.", "y": "oh, i will. but first, i'm going to makemarshall watch as i wedge ulysses s. grant between his wife's tatas."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "you will not believe who we saw tonight."}, {"x": "dude, um...", "y": "we saw the third doppelganger!"}, {"x": "oh!", "y": "yeah, i couldn't get her face in it. but she looks just like you."}, {"x": "so you went to a strip club?", "y": "busted."}, {"x": "so... strip club.", "y": "marshall made me go."}, {"x": "was there a shower on stage? sometimes there's a shower on stage. i bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas.", "y": "see,marshall? we got to have a bros' night at a strip club and both of our ladies are totally cool with it."}, {"x": "i'm not cool with it.", "y": "because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time."}, {"x": "it's disgusting.", "y": "because it's harmless."}, {"x": "did one of your whores tell you that?", "y": "and, lil,marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble just to have an innocent fantasy."}, {"x": "it's, no, it's nothing.", "y": "marshall, tell her. we're all friends here."}, {"x": "yeah, that would've been good.", "y": "psst! ted!"}, {"x": "bring out stripper lily!", "y": "you know, i don't come here that much."}, {"x": "hey, barney. he's the usual and i'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching.", "y": "thank you, kindly stranger."}, {"x": "wow.", "y": "you are the best. my girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less."}, {"x": "i do care, barney. look, we're dating now, okay? that changes things. we have to have a serious talk about this.", "y": "just the best."}, {"x": "hey. girlfriend trouble? i wish i could help, but my unbelievably cool wife just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double. so if you need me, i'll be getting grinded like some pepper, in thechampagne room.", "y": "just the best."}, {"x": "barack obama jr.?!", "y": "mm-hmm. and yes... we can."}, {"x": "and it's not just that, it's other things.", "y": "hey. what's wrong?"}, {"x": "it was just one thing after another at work today, and then... i found out my aunt's in the hospital. i'm just, i'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...", "y": "shh, shh, shh. what you need to do is talk through this stuff."}, {"x": "oh, thanks.", "y": "and then, once you're off the phone with lily, i'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. mm-kay?"}, {"x": "bowl?", "y": "she really said that?"}, {"x": "and she meant it. trust me. i dated robin for a year-- if you don't want to lose her, you gotta try a little harder. be more attentive to where she is emotionally. you know, just be present.", "y": "yes, totally. yeah. only thing, and this is just me--"}, {"x": "mm-hmm.", "y": "i like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in robin's purse. stinson out!"}, {"x": "well...", "y": "stinson back in. say, hypothetically, i did want to change who i am to become a better boyfriend to robin, which i do not! what kind of changes are we talking about?"}, {"x": "why, i mean, there's just so much you need to know about her. okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front her.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "\"how to date robin scherbatsky.\" lesson one. now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, what robin really wants, deep down...", "y": "i'm bored."}, {"x": "you said you wanted my help.", "y": "can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?"}, {"x": "we did that ready.", "y": "no, like, really big boobs."}, {"x": "no. look, i need this, too. i've only been a professor a few weeks. being up here, it's, it's good practice for me.", "y": "can we have class outside?"}, {"x": "barney!", "y": "what? i'm tweeting about you. you should be flattered. how do you spell blah-blah-blah- \"h's\" or no?"}, {"x": "wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?", "y": "they said i had a-d... something. can we have class outside?"}, {"x": "barney, i'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. i love you and i love robin. and i want to make this work. so if you give me a few weeks of attention, i could give you a lifetime of happiness. can you do that for me?", "y": "do you think i should get sports illustrated for 70% off the cover price? can we have class outside? i got to find a way to reach this kid."}, {"x": "now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. what do these mean?", "y": "you guys just had sex? oh! wasn't me."}, {"x": "dude! i worked really hard on these slides, okay? can we just...", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "this look is hunger. if you ever see robin looking like this, get some food in her quick,or one of two things will happen. one weird, out-of-context laughter. or two spontaneously falling to sleep in strange places. but the most important facial expression of all?", "y": "that's a building."}, {"x": "oh... that's for my class. theflatironbuilding. fun story about it. it was designed bychicago's daniel burnham in the beaux arts style; this architectural gem...", "y": "dude!"}, {"x": "right. the most important facial expression of all.", "y": "whoa..."}, {"x": "now, we all know robin's not what you'd call \"touchy-feely.\" she doesn't say, \"i love you,\" like a normal person. instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, \"you're an idiot.\"", "y": "\"you're an idiot\"?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah...lefty like that.", "y": "i can't believe i'm taking sexual advice from ted mosby. that's like taking fashion advice from... well, ted mosby."}, {"x": "three \"never, ever play the 'guess who' game with her.\"", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "barney! do you have a problem with this class?", "y": "yeah, it's boring as hell and i'm not learning anything."}, {"x": "uh, well, maybe the problem is your attitude. you're not listening to a word i say.", "y": "uh-huh. uh, can you hear this, professor? or should i turn it up for you?."}, {"x": "oh, you think you're not learning anything, huh? okay. pop quiz.", "y": "what..."}, {"x": "when robin's pms-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?", "y": "trick question. get her butterscotch."}, {"x": "correct! why?", "y": "butterscotch is to canadian women what chocolate is to american women."}, {"x": "correct! what is robin's dream job?", "y": "to become the most successful female tv journalist of all time."}, {"x": "correct! and if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?", "y": "no! robin's deep-seated need for attention can traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad \"robin, i'm proud of you, eh?\""}, {"x": "how good was dead poet's society?", "y": "i know, right? the end? tears."}, {"x": "flared nostril ridges. wide, unblinking eyes. uh-oh.", "y": "i got this. so, emperor penguins-- crazy, huh?"}, {"x": "what the hell do you two think you're doing?", "y": "marshall, did you sells out?"}, {"x": "well, tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, but i don't think he speaks much english.", "y": "on the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you during the role-playing exercises."}, {"x": "you know, i can't believe you, ted. you actually think you're some kind of an expert on me?", "y": "hey! he is an expert. he's a great teacher!"}, {"x": "and you. you know, i got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me. i even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence.", "y": "that is a huge violation of my privacy! go on."}, {"x": "you know...", "y": "hmm?"}, {"x": "that notebook, um, does contain a lot of personal info, and i think it has my home address.", "y": "and your work address."}, {"x": "you know, i've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches.", "y": "because the people who wear them are constantly going, \"aw, geez, why can't i get laid?\""}, {"x": "best night ever!", "y": "worst night ever."}, {"x": "really? how?", "y": "it was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call."}, {"x": "in cabo, i saw sammy hagar eating a belgian waffle!", "y": "and they kept shoving platters of food in our faces."}, {"x": "ooh...tick-tock goes thegouda clock.", "y": "um, we-we-we didn't realize there was gonna be dinner. we sucked down a couple tacos outside the subway."}, {"x": "show him.", "y": "this is a web sitemarshall already made about last night. it's called itwasthebestnightever.com."}, {"x": "then we played charades. lily made some creme brulee, lay-lay-lay-lay and now that we're best couple friends there's only one thing left to say... are you free? are you free? are you free? are you free? are you free next saturday? that's the 17th.are you free? friday or sunday would also work. or basically any other day.", "y": "needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses."}, {"x": "i don't understand. if last night went so horribly, why do lily and marshall think it was such a hit?", "y": "i mean, we knew we were gonna have fun tonight, but we had no idea how much."}, {"x": "yeah, tough luck, every saturday night i've ever had, 'cause this one just blew you out of the water.", "y": "let's do it again, soon."}, {"x": "oh, i don't want to brag, but it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing. last night, she picked me up at the bar. and then... well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. but, hey, that happens.", "y": "uh, no, it doesn't."}, {"x": "sure, it does. you know, she was, she was just exhausted from being turned on. but you heard her. she wants to do it again, soon.", "y": "ted, let me ask you a question. where does this girl live, exactly?"}, {"x": "westchester. why?", "y": "you're the sexless innkeeper."}, {"x": "what the hell is \"the sexless innkeeper\"?", "y": "ted, many a man--nay, many a soul--has their own tale of the sexless innkeeper. why, i had run-in with one just last year. i even composed a poem about it. would you care to hear it?"}, {"x": "not really.", "y": "t'was the night before new year's, and the weather grew mean. it was 300 in the morning, and i was stranded in queens. the tavern grew empty, the gas lights grew dim. the horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in..."}, {"x": "wait. if this was last year, why are you acting like it was oliver twist?", "y": "ted, it's a poem. last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. then i turned to my left and stifled a shriek. she had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. she gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. i muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.i asked, \"where do you live?\"and she said, \"one block south.\". i swallowed my pride and six sh*ts of whiskey. and prayed to the gods that she wasn't too frisky. back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 'neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did cr*ck. but when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. and thus she became the sexless innkeeper. and so are you"}, {"x": "wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?", "y": "ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. she saw the tweed jacket"}, {"x": "no way.", "y": "i'm not the sexless innkeeper. ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you."}, {"x": "and then on sunday, we're up at 600 a.m. for the fall foliage hike. now, you better pack your long johns, 'cause it is cold up there.", "y": "look! i'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, but we respect you guys too much as friends to give you some song and dance. you deserve the truth. the us navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean. for reasons i can't explain, robin and i have been tapped to lead the expedition."}, {"x": "look, all the couple-y stuff, it's just not us. barney and i are barely equipped to date each other, let alone you guys.", "y": "plus, the alien thing."}, {"x": "guys, lily and marshall haven't been to the bar all week. they're taking this really hard.", "y": "ted, i could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? i mean, who's working the front desk?"}, {"x": "seriously, they're your friends. you got to go apologize.", "y": "to your point, ted, as an innkeeper. do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? i mean, i mean, i mean, how much water is that actually saving?"}, {"x": "hey! hey, guys.", "y": "hey. long time no see. have a seat."}, {"x": "oh, it's just... we haven't seen you guys all week.", "y": "hey, maybe all six of us could hang out."}, {"x": "oh, it might be weird. we're kind of on a double date. wouldn't want you to feel like a fifth and sixth wheel.", "y": "who the hell are these people?"}, {"x": "pfft, who needs 'em?", "y": "pfft. not us."}, {"x": "just the two of you?", "y": "hey, why don't we call that weird couple down the hall from you? you know, with the ferrets? maybe they want to come over and play taboo."}, {"x": "barney, are you wearing sweat pants?", "y": "maybe. but they're armani."}, {"x": "you know what? we have two very nice people up in that apartment who are perfect for us.", "y": "then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?"}, {"x": "hey, barney. i got a little poem for you. you want to hear it?", "y": "no, not really."}, {"x": "'twas the night before, i had hours to k*ll. i sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.", "y": "with quill?"}, {"x": "barney. it's a poem. a busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. her garb said \"classy,\" but her eyes whispered \"sin.\" she said, \"you're a teacher?\" i said, \"yes, indeed.\" \"i must have you,\" she moaned.\"i'm turned on by tweed.\" with haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. we fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. i unlaced her bodice. our passions grew deeper. and thus ends the tale of the sexless innkeeper.", "y": "no way. you made that up."}, {"x": "you want to go? you want to go?! come on! make fun of the great white north all you want. it's the best country in the world.", "y": "the... mmm. social experiment. u.s.a, u.s.a, u.s.a, u.s.a..."}, {"x": "i am ready to hit the road. i got baby wipes. i got a variety of jerky. i got six cans of tantrum. well, four. one b*rned though the can, the other one i drank already. tantrum! i am so psyched! marshall and i haven't done something, just the two of us, for so long. ever since he got married, he's turned from an \"i\" to a \"we\".", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "we no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.", "y": "hmm."}, {"x": "well, there's only one possible way to avoid getting deported. my lawyer said i could become an american citizen.", "y": "perfect. problem solved. welcome aboard."}, {"x": "well, it's not that simple. i'm a canadian. i was born there. my family's there. it's who i am.", "y": "i know, and it's provided us with a lot of laughs. but, robin, if you want to live here, work here and throw chairs at people here, you have to do this."}, {"x": "well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow.", "y": "a cit..."}, {"x": "i'll think about it.", "y": "no, no, you have to do it. i'll help you study. we're gonna stay up all night long. i'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. no, seriously. we're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. no, seriously. we're gonna bone up on..."}, {"x": "okay, barney.", "y": "sorry. it's a rich area."}, {"x": "it is.", "y": "but you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. it's not like the canadian citizenship test."}, {"x": "how do you know the canadian test is easy?", "y": "it's canada. question one do you want to be canadian? question two really?"}, {"x": "we most certainly did!", "y": "i don't know if you caught that, but he did the \"we\" thing."}, {"x": "yeah, i heard him.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "that reminds me, i have to pee.", "y": "\"how many stars are on the flag?\""}, {"x": "50, one for each state.", "y": "\"what are the first ten amendments to the constitution called?\""}, {"x": "the bill of rights. look, barney, i know all this. i'm ready.", "y": "ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an american? not on your sweet life. for you to be an american, we got to get the canadian out of you. that's why i've created these questions. question one \"who is this?\""}, {"x": "queen elizabeth ii.", "y": "no, the answer is elton john. question two \"what the hell is this?\""}, {"x": "oh, curling. um, it's a sport played...", "y": "wrong. the answer we were looking for was \"i don't care, it's dumb\". let's go buy something that's bad for us and then sue the people who made it. that's america, robin."}, {"x": "i want to say- jefferson?", "y": "correct."}, {"x": "oh!", "y": "archie bunker's neighbor was george jefferson."}, {"x": "oh, boo-ya! i am nailing this. god, i'm buzzing on america right now!", "y": "all right, hold your horses. now to prove that you are as american as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to- who is this?"}, {"x": "that, barney, is the american actor, beloved by millions, the \"hey, vern\" guy from the popular series of ernest films. and his name... jeff foxworthy.", "y": "jeff foxworthy? no, it's jim varney. you're kidding me. you don't know that?"}, {"x": "uh, that's jeff foxworthy, dumbass. end of story. now shut your stupid face.", "y": "not only are you wrong, but you are belligerently sticking to your g*ns and insulting me in the process. robin scherbatsky- you are an american."}, {"x": "pfft.", "y": "good morning."}, {"x": "barney? oh, my god. what happened last night?", "y": "you went canadian."}, {"x": "how canadian?", "y": "this canadian. oh. that was supposed to be a dramatic view of the toronto sky- you're in toronto."}, {"x": "how did you find me, anyway?", "y": "you called me, said you were never coming back. so, i jumped on a plane, flew across the atlantic..."}, {"x": "canada isn't across the atlantic.", "y": "you're talking nonsense. now, listen... you slipped up. it's fine. the test is in a few hours."}, {"x": "barney, i'm not taking the test.", "y": "god, you're still drunk."}, {"x": "look, i appreciate your help, but... who am i kidding? i'm canadian. i always will be.", "y": "now, that's ridiculous. we're gonna get some coffee, in you, we'll sober you up, and get you back to new york for that test. but, before any of that, we're gonna do it on this bed 'cause... hotel room. okay, let's get some coffee."}, {"x": "i can't believe we're still open. gotcha! these are getting bigger.", "y": "it's like an entire country without a tailor."}, {"x": "american money? didn't watch the leafs game? no \"please\" or \"thank you\" for the coffee? you sure don't seem like a canadian.", "y": "what's wrong? other than the fact that this five dollar bill they gave you is blue."}, {"x": "wow. i'm not american, and apparently, i'm not canadian either.", "y": "and there's kids playing hockey on the back. it's like you want us to make fun of you."}, {"x": "well, you know what? that mushroom's not the only thing that's living. car keys, please.", "y": "look at this money! this one has a moose, this one has a beaver, and they all have elton john on the back."}, {"x": "when i moved to the states, i swore to myself, i wasn't going to change. and yet, here i am, in the most canadian place in the universe- tim horton's- around the corner from the hockey hall of fame, and i don't belong. it's like i don't have a country.", "y": "okay, that's it. attention, canada! i am barney from america. and i'm here to fix your backward-ass country. number one get real money. don't know what board game this came from, but it's a \"jhoke\". number two- and this is the biggie- quit letting awesome chicks like robin scherbatsky get away because, guess what? you don't want her? i'm planting my flag in her- if you know what i mean, which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. you may now return to being pointless. ah, this coffee is excellent. oh. hey, fellas. it's called a \"tie\"."}, {"x": "okay. let's listen to it again.", "y": "man, those canadian doctors banded me up, reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, and they didn't even bill me. idiots. all right, i guess they're no idiots. the coffee was extraordinary. huh. i guess canada's not so bad. they play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday."}, {"x": "barney, i've thought about this. when you stood up and told off those people, i thought, \"yeah, america's cool.\"", "y": "hmm."}, {"x": "and then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you, i thought, \"yeah, canada's pretty cool, too.\" i may have taken a few pokes myself. so, i've decided, dual citizenship. i'm going to be american and canadian.", "y": "wait, you can do that?"}, {"x": "yeah, dummy. instead of being a woman with no country, i'm going to be a woman with two.", "y": "i see."}, {"x": "you understand?", "y": "no, i can see out of my left eye again."}, {"x": "not at all.", "y": "look what i saw yesterday."}, {"x": "no problem.", "y": "i gotta go."}, {"x": "there is nothing serious. and certainly nothing serious enough that you hold my hand.", "y": "they have a big problem."}, {"x": "i see what happens. you, my friend, you suffer from a disease little known... \"little known\" because i just invented it... called adequacy of new relationship. robin, you are in your honeymoon stage. everything is perfect. the songs on the radio talking about you. other couples are concerned. enjoy it. the snr does not last forever.", "y": "if, when you're great like me. listen to this. robin taking into account the number of beds in which we did. one is 83 and a half."}, {"x": "and a half?", "y": "an ottoman 19th in an antique shop."}, {"x": "what's new?", "y": "big tiger. you holding up? want a hug? you mean yesterday? you're safe here."}, {"x": "why? lily loves a clean sink so i do the dishes right away, what's the problem?", "y": "i'll tell you what's the problem. you know how i was always the best single? now i'm the best in relationship. even better than you and lily."}, {"x": "look at you. you got a girlfriend for 5 minutes and you think playing in the big leagues. adorable. son... i'm in a relationship for your ponytail and that you were playing the guitar with dave matthews mom. i am a good boyfriend when i sleep. i can do a k*ller foot massage, hand and prepare a great chamomile on the other, which would make you cry. damn, i know more about how to make popcorn and watch movies with sandra bullock in that you'll ever know, but thank you to worry, blue.", "y": "let me ask you a question."}, {"x": "go ahead.", "y": "do you mind you, if the sink is full of dirty dishes?"}, {"x": "not really.", "y": "so what is the problem of lily, not yours."}, {"x": "but if i said that, we will play, so...", "y": "you argue. robin, we do not fight."}, {"x": "of course i do.", "y": "no. and here's the secret, every time we say we're going to argue..."}, {"x": "so when you think you will play and you get up you go?", "y": "it works in 100% of cases. no fighting if you're not there.this is what gandhi said."}, {"x": "i can not believe robin supports it.", "y": "do not worry. it also has a good way to avoid arguments."}, {"x": "but when you have a problem with lily, it is discussed.", "y": "there's so much to do with the mouth. why spoil it by talking? but if you insist, here's what i would say on the dishes if i was married to lily."}, {"x": "go to the basics!", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "honey, you're going to wash it?", "y": "i'm glad you mention it. no. and that's why. i know you do not like dirty sinks. but do it for me to clean it? if one day i looked up the ceiling of the room and think, \"hey, i want a replica of the sistine chapel\" is what you will paint the?"}, {"x": "no. of course not.", "y": "exactly! similarly, if you do not like having lots of dirty dishes, it's your washing."}, {"x": "thank you explained that. i get confused easily.", "y": "it's because you're a woman."}, {"x": "i do not even know why we laugh!", "y": "of course not."}, {"x": "wait, ted. listen to the man.", "y": "once i have his attention, it's time to get out the heavy a*tillery."}, {"x": "no. marshall, look at me. do not go into the circus of barney stinson, the house of mirrors and illogical logic. you got ear pierced like that in 2003.", "y": "the piercing was cool."}, {"x": "i hate it! i hate it from the depths of my soul! i hate it! i hate it i hate it!", "y": "you're welcome."}, {"x": "i think that's true.", "y": "i told you."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "super. here are your tasks for the weekend. ted, you're gonna go see the neighbors. marshall, you go see lily. robin and i need you for a crouched position on an animal skin in our chalet. ready? break!"}, {"x": "how was the trip?", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "what has happened between you? when did you become disgusting?", "y": "it's not great to finally see blossomed emotionally, spiritually and sexually?"}, {"x": "we all came out a year.", "y": "short, and your weekend?"}, {"x": "i do not know what happened. i am a lawyer. i earn my living by arguing but when it is with lily, i'm... confused. how not to be with her eyes and her breasts?", "y": "what happened to the \"i'm tired after my exhausting day and i want to use what little energy i have left to cover you with love\"?"}, {"x": "dude, lily is played badly. it is small... but as a vicious badger that your brother would have caught and starved for 5 days and placed in your sleeping bag. i should go and apologize.", "y": "you need to be angry. dispute yourself stronger.imagine that marshall never have to wash dishes in all your life, all the plates are clean. why, it would relieve any anxiety to any meal. not having to tie your t-shirt to form a bowl of salted fortune for your pleasures. this world belongs to you, marshall.beach house, take it, put yourself in holiday clothes, benefits."}, {"x": "this dish is my manhood! and i want to leave my manhood deep in the dirty sink full of ketchup and pasta...", "y": "what do you eat?"}, {"x": "where is he was not riding? hey, barnstormer.", "y": "hey, ro-ro."}, {"x": "nothing. we're just happy.", "y": "as gandhi said, \"a smile costs nothing, baby.\""}, {"x": "they're probably playing the bagpipes on the shower chair.", "y": "how will marshall and lily?"}, {"x": "those two worry me, really.", "y": "you and your big, huge heart."}, {"x": "enough. the game is over.", "y": "what do you mean by that?"}, {"x": "phil told me.", "y": "who the hell is phil?"}, {"x": "and it has everything... heard. so phil told me that ro-ro and barnstormer argue... a lot. explanations?", "y": "all was going well. our techniques dodges worked perfectly until the skiing trip last weekend."}, {"x": "it's your board that is zero.", "y": "you're on the side of lily? you... no. we will argue and i can not spin."}, {"x": "i can not undress. it's freezing here. i'll be hypothermic.", "y": "or so i tried the jump?"}, {"x": "or just the pants?", "y": "this trick of dodging is over?"}, {"x": "i think.", "y": "you have the? this is the smallest!"}, {"x": "they fight because of you!?", "y": "and it does not stop there. we argue non-stop since."}, {"x": "all the disputes that had prevented us are above benefits.the bag of panties.", "y": "the tie m*rder*d by robin."}, {"x": "the hidden camera in the headboard.", "y": "as a quarterback to stay on top. monday morning, he sits on an ice pack and are studying the tape of the match."}, {"x": "i knew it! i knew you were too cute and perfect!", "y": "look, we were fed up everyone to tell us how we are no relations."}, {"x": "and keep in mind that the love you have for that other person is more important than winning.", "y": "more important than winning."}, {"x": "good night.", "y": "what about now?"}, {"x": "i think we should talk about advantage and get down to business.", "y": "or, there is a bench in the elevator."}, {"x": "that's better. it is not the best couple in the world, so what?", "y": "grave. it's not a competition."}, {"x": "it's your p*rn collection.", "y": "this is my collection of p*rn! i offer you my p*rn. now that it goes really well with robin, i need more."}, {"x": "this is obvious.", "y": "what does that mean?"}, {"x": "nothing, it's just, you know, you have love handles.", "y": "what?! i have no love handles. this is ridiculous."}, {"x": "he really is growing at a time.", "y": "we gotta go. goodbye, my dear friends. you were always there for me. we will miss you."}, {"x": "archisexture.", "y": "if you watch this tape, and i knew it... is that you are in possession of all my p*rn. it can only mean two things, either i'm dead or i'm in a committed relationship. if i d*ed, i want you honor my memory by taking my body in the hamptons and recreating weekend at bernie. i want to dance. i want to make love. and i want to go fishing. if, on the other hand, i'm in a relationship, as best friend, i have one favor to ask. please, for god's sake, get me out of here!"}, {"x": "i wanted to go to a concert. him at a party. we could obviously do what the other wanted, so we stayed to watch a movie on cable.", "y": "it was legen... wait... the autumn. legends of the fall!it was fun."}, {"x": "i spotted this girl there, and i will need help to land the plane.", "y": "sorry, i have my own way tonight."}, {"x": "how do you go?", "y": "super. relations are deadly..."}, {"x": "shut up...", "y": "exchanges and compromise..."}, {"x": "shut up...", "y": "monogamy is the best."}, {"x": "shut up.", "y": "tagline!"}, {"x": "shut up.", "y": "more hungry..."}, {"x": "two against one, ted. let them.", "y": "did you notice that the beef ribs were absolutely disgusting, but recently they have become delicious?"}, {"x": "i'll get to the point, and ask you a question. are you happy with robin?", "y": "are you kidding?! how could i not be? it's robin!"}, {"x": "so you're happy?", "y": "can you ask me this question. we argue constantly, but you know what they say about relationships, \"every moment is a battle.\""}, {"x": "so you're happy?", "y": "and you know what happens right after a fight? gender reconciliation. what is different... when you're in a loving and lasting relationship."}, {"x": "okay. decides that the piece.", "y": "what was the pizza again?"}, {"x": "face.", "y": "it's face."}, {"x": "please, shut up.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i thought you had mentioned, sorry. this is an engagement ring?are you...?", "y": "no, this is not one. they had the wrong table. you can imagine we are married?"}, {"x": "we're committed to one another.", "y": "your business is already in my apartment."}, {"x": "easier for taxes.", "y": "and for your naturalization."}, {"x": "\"scherbatsky\" is hard to spell.", "y": "my mother would be so happy."}, {"x": "yeah, i guess.", "y": "no reason not to do so."}, {"x": "you do not know any that girl over there?", "y": "no, i do not think. no, actually, i do not know... this is meg. i do not compare in my mind there. can you pick me?"}, {"x": "you're not a bit old for that stupid doll?", "y": "it's not a doll. it's a stormtrooper."}, {"x": "he wears a diaper.", "y": "no, it's protective armor."}, {"x": "a stormtrooper? rather a storm-merdeur.", "y": "come on."}, {"x": "it looks like your storm-merdeur the changes we need.", "y": "you know, i'm sick."}, {"x": "i said nothing.", "y": "the jokes about magic, the stormtrooper..."}, {"x": "you know neil young is my favorite musician.", "y": "she was the wife of archie in all in the family, or the same voice?"}, {"x": "neil young is a canadian treasure. do not make fun of neil young.", "y": "i never make fun of an old lady paralyzed vocal cord..."}, {"x": "look at us. it is horrible all the time like that?", "y": "i'm not happy. finally, i would be. nothing would make me happier than to be happy, but... i'm not."}, {"x": "what are we doing wrong? we love. if it does not work, what then? we are so similar.", "y": "we love scotch. it is awesome."}, {"x": "that might be it. there may be too great there.", "y": "exactly. two awesome cancel out, and... i'm tired of being canceled."}, {"x": "me too. we separate?", "y": "i think. sh*t. following happens. after which you and i can not become friends again."}, {"x": "it's a stormtrooper?", "y": "it's not a stormtr... we're going from here?"}, {"x": "how do you know?", "y": "friends that are found. i like it."}, {"x": "one for the road?", "y": "and then who knows? maybe in 40 years, if you have not found anyone..."}, {"x": "i am already involved with ted.", "y": "it's true. thin. maybe in 39 years, if you have not found anyone..."}, {"x": "well, i think. it may take a while to recover, but... you had a thrill?", "y": "dad returned."}, {"x": "clip? the video for \"sandcastles\"! it was also this together.", "y": "what do you mean \"too\"?"}, {"x": "my career. this is my new priority. from now on, more a date. the job.", "y": "all women of new york. that's right, barney stinson is back on the market. mother, lock your daughters. daughters, lock your maqacenjar."}, {"x": "wait, i can find. with mothers who i'd like sunset and never forgot.", "y": "you have the right answer!"}, {"x": "you're not rush a little, then?", "y": "since i went out with robin there is a trick that i have not used as much as i wanted. it is... rather large, surprisingly heavy, with the skin, and it's black. my friends, this is the book of... roles."}, {"x": "you're writing another book? stephen king was one right there.", "y": "it's all there. everything, starting from the basic, like le bois do not ca..."}, {"x": "what? who?", "y": "this guy."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "... until more advanced maneuvers, such as the ms. stinsfire."}, {"x": "what the lorenzo von matterhorn?", "y": "glad you asked. the lorenzon von matterhorn will be my comeback on stage. or, you know, in my bed. in fact, my bed is on a stage. i put it on a platform and installed lighting. a real production. barney goes!"}, {"x": "i had put aside for ted shelly for 3 years.", "y": "my hen, ted did not miss much. she is brainy, boring, a bit boring in bed. in fact it would have been perfect for ted.oops! if i had known she was there for ted, i would have obviously not done, but... given the circumstances, i think ted would be proud of me. i managed the lorenzo von matterhorn."}, {"x": "what the lorenzo von matterhorn?", "y": "glad you asked."}, {"x": "i know you?", "y": "i'm lorenzo von matterhorn."}, {"x": "you are, kind known?", "y": "yes. you do not know who i am, does not it? it feels good for once. nice to meet you..."}, {"x": "shelly.", "y": "shelly? again, i'm lorenzo von matterhorn. it is written as it is pronounced, with two \"t\". then, once you leave, she takes out her phone and tries lorenzo von matterhorn on the internet. and that's when she discovers... a series of fake websites, all devoted to the incredible life of lorenzo von matterhorn. a false item of business on lorenzo, the hermit billionaire. the fake of the explorer club newsletter on his trip to the north pole in an airship, a feat of imagination and challenge. the fake medical journal with a story to make you cry the doctors saying that a reduction of the penis is not an option. and time to return... i hate to be cheeky, but i can offer you a coffee?"}, {"x": "yes! please.", "y": "how much is a coffee today, $ 50? and here we go."}, {"x": "it's horrible. you realize you've broken her heart? she is inconsolable.", "y": "why would it be inconsolable? the airship of lorenzo will not disappear in the arctic for a week. sorry if this is that someone told her that it was lies."}, {"x": "lies!", "y": "oh my god! well, i hope you are pleased with you."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "thou hast broken my heart."}, {"x": "me?", "y": "you! she will never trust a man. you've spoiled for ted.not to mention julio von matterhorn, the twin brother of lorenzo."}, {"x": "you're an astronaut?", "y": "actually, i'm in a top secret government space program called secret nasa... sn\u00e5sa."}, {"x": "sn\u00e5sa? you went to the moon and everything?", "y": "no moon you know, but i went on slune."}, {"x": "well, barney, you go out... you just get out of a sincere relationship. you're a big boy now. you can return to your towers to two euros.", "y": "tours to two euros?! none of these towers is. the tower a except two euros."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "let it go. he will not come he will not come. she's not coming? sorry. until... he will not come."}, {"x": "what happened?", "y": "i tried the he will not come, and it worked. monstrous.you should have seen this girl."}, {"x": "i'm leaving.", "y": "so, we came up to me, and i go to my room to prepare the camera... lighting candles... and when i go out, nobody, paper and more roles! we all know who is responsible for that."}, {"x": "yes, we know.", "y": "al-qaeda."}, {"x": "no, you idiot. that was me.", "y": "you... enfoir\u00e9e dirty!"}, {"x": "an actress friend.", "y": "an actress. of course. that explains his perfect diction and style of drag."}, {"x": "i'm almost to the point of taking this book and put it on the net for everyone to see.", "y": "you would not dare."}, {"x": "no, as you stop scams and confidence tricks, deception, underhand, tricks, schemes and embobinages.", "y": "you did not say nonsense."}, {"x": "no more nonsense!", "y": "slim."}, {"x": "really? a genie comes out?", "y": "only if you rub hard enough."}, {"x": "apparently, it will rain.", "y": "if you wonder, i would be at mclaren's playing a character from the book of roles being called the diver. that's all."}, {"x": "sure baby, but there is something odd. i flipped through the whole book. there is no role called the diver.", "y": "now you want to know what the diver. in fact, it was on the last page of the book, but i pulled in case. but do not worry.you will see it in action. you see the blonde next to the bar?cizzible rep\u00e9rizz\u00e9e."}, {"x": "barney, no. you are...", "y": "forget it, kid. if anyone should be angry with me, this is robin. she loves the book."}, {"x": "i did not worship the book.", "y": "but what...? the book of the rolls, this is gold. granted this is truly spectacular."}, {"x": "we just broke. the costumes are nice, but... it just broke.", "y": "i did not know you felt it. i was so caught up with my own projects as... damn, she looks out there. quickly dispersed."}, {"x": "so what does the diver? claire and here, in passing.", "y": "hello, claire. i am lieutenant frank lyman. i train dolphins b*mb detectors for... you know what? i can not do that.robin, i'm sorry. i think this break is harder for me than expected.the book of roles was just a way to change my mind."}, {"x": "i'm delighted that you stop it. and frankly, the real barney is better than all the false barney's book of roles.", "y": "is it true? claire, you must have heard a lot about the real barney tonight. want some coffee?"}, {"x": "before refusing, you should know that in this neoprene combined with what appears to be a pair of socks...", "y": "a pringles, but still."}, {"x": "yes, and you know why? because i love you. and i'll show you how. ted mosby and robin scherbatsky, i bring you... the fourth slap.", "y": "wait. what?"}, {"x": "certainly not. unless you were thinking... \"baffegiving two revenge of the lower\" in this case, yes, that's what i'm saying!", "y": "the slaps are not transferable."}, {"x": "awesome.", "y": "absolutely not!"}, {"x": "me too. she speaks little, but that thing with his father gave him much trouble.", "y": "tell me which of you is going to slap me!"}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i die, i, here. ted takes a chip, i jump! robin arranges her hair, i jump! i jump all the time. it's bad for my skin. it gives me wrinkles. wrinkles!"}, {"x": "do not underestimate. you're a rock star of slaps. your name should be eric baffe-pton.", "y": "this is t*rture. put me in the chair..."}, {"x": "the throne of baffe.", "y": "and finish it!"}, {"x": "no, not at all.", "y": "this is interesting."}, {"x": "let me do it. it was my idea to call the objects found in the prefecture.", "y": "it's a good point. rebuttal?"}, {"x": "i slipped a note of the type 20!", "y": "philosophical riddle. idea against execution. itemize your arguments."}, {"x": "you have to let it calm down. finish the game.", "y": "repeat-a. the first seven!"}, {"x": "it's decided. barney, go. come on the throne.", "y": "you're gonna..."}, {"x": "yep. go.", "y": "i guess this is the best choice, robin. finally... the men are stronger than women."}, {"x": "do not listen. it's decided.", "y": "and that's what you always wanted, is not it? a strong man to take care of you? of course, teenager, you were a feisty, playing hockey with the boys, you skinned your knees on the ice. but what you could say to your teammates... or even to yourself... that is all you really wanted was this pretty white dress in this beautiful white chapel. and at the end of the aisle strewn with pretty white flowers, a man to take care of all your slaps."}, {"x": "everyone. before we begin, barney, we'll need you on the throne of baffe.", "y": "commissioner of the bet-baffe, tie me to the chair is a violation..."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "this is the worst."}, {"x": "i know.", "y": "it's downright hell."}, {"x": "i do not either.", "y": "thank you god."}, {"x": "so, i want to move. mickey?", "y": "no way!"}, {"x": "really? it's a bit weird for me, i just met barney and i have nothing against him but how many times have we a chance to slap someone in the face?", "y": "gently!"}, {"x": "i'm sorry. i can not do it.", "y": "thank you god."}, {"x": "i know i have not been a good father.", "y": "you're kidding me."}, {"x": "so for all dance recitals that i missed, for all the art exhibitions that i should attend... for the wedding that i was not able to offer you... i give you, to you this slap.", "y": "no. no, no, no, no. it is the commissioner of the bet-baffe. it must remain impartial!"}, {"x": "the commissioner of the bet-baffe says it's good.", "y": "it's not good. please... let me..."}, {"x": "close your eyes. it will soon be over.", "y": "i'm running in a meadow."}, {"x": "because... the slap did exactly what i hoped. it brought us together. and it forced us to recognize the weakness and at the same time the greatness in ourselves and in others.", "y": "stop your bullshit."}, {"x": "lily.", "y": "that girl over there."}, {"x": "we went to college together, she's great. everybody liked him.", "y": "oh i know what we do here. tell me when it stops."}, {"x": "and now, a single and maggie is available along the way to this bar right now. i made him take a taxi with a woman driver for there is no interaction with a man, so far.", "y": "even when i arrived here, she still will not touch with a man. i feel good tonight, this evening will be well."}, {"x": "she's right baby, if you had worn it in college, even i would not have slept with you. and if you remember, i wanted to.", "y": "no way, no one could sleep while wearing it. challenge accepted. i, barney stinson, brilliant mind in an extraordinary body, this will overalls, and lie with a woman."}, {"x": "your challenge not interest me but you're cheating. wear a suit under the overalls.", "y": "no. they are called not on the shirt, or on t-shirts for wholesale repairing the car and my mother spent some time with her top. they are called overalls, and i can relate to what i want."}, {"x": "bizarre as drinking game.", "y": "i offer you a drink?"}, {"x": "it was a big tractor 3-axis.", "y": "what do i do?"}, {"x": "you let him with barney?", "y": "ted, will you calm down? i'm your pal!"}, {"x": "you're an animal!", "y": "and i know our relationship has suffered in this area, i assure you i'll be the perfect gentleman."}, {"x": "thank you! in fact, i love this bib!", "y": "you have 10 minutes to get here, the window closes."}, {"x": "10 minutes?", "y": "yeah, because we're friends!"}, {"x": "how could you?", "y": "i'm challenged to have sex with overalls. and if you stay on my path, then you let barney win. and you do not want that!this place will never tell us the end of history."}, {"x": "put yourself on the line bob!", "y": "yeah, i'll sleep with her. after, he'll tell her he loves her.and you can do... what you want. is there agreement on the order?"}, {"x": "i'm in love with her for 12 years!", "y": "i wear this jumpsuit since 130!"}, {"x": "we continue to negotiate until we have a very small window of opportunity.", "y": "guys, let me assure you that if you let me... the window will reopen in about 10 minutes."}, {"x": "well... i'll see you next time!", "y": "well, i found! there are bars country, \"the giddy ups\", there are tons of guys in overalls. copilot me!"}, {"x": "i do not want the \"giddy ups.\" that's what i want. i had forgotten how it felt to seeking the real thing... but i think i'm ready again.", "y": "let me tell you where i am... i want to sleep with a girl in order to remove this jumpsuit. go, go. you gotta help me, i have to remove this damn thing."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "i just let something like that to my apartment."}, {"x": "so that's why you're worried?", "y": "the new head of legal department is hobes arthur."}, {"x": "wow, he not remember you.", "y": "not great, it does not matter that arthur hobes not like marshall, he loves no one. it is the people he knows that he has to separate. he just fired, \"what's his head? \"."}, {"x": "look, i understand you to be upset but this is not a reason to k*ll you.", "y": "yeah, after you turn'm doing... then you can k*ll you. as \"what is his head? \". now i think it is, where is his head?"}, {"x": "i can not believe they're smoking outside, it's really cold.", "y": "do you remember when you could smoke in bars?"}, {"x": "i think there's a pretty girl smiling at me there.", "y": "hey, this is a chair, but go ahead and drag it."}, {"x": "our group is divided into smokers and nonsmokers, and it's great.", "y": "you're right. going for a smoke."}, {"x": "hey you two, smoking, like us.", "y": "i'm not a smoker. i do not smoke on certain occasions.after sex, when i'm with german, sometimes both at the same time. during sex, for birthdays, to annoy my mother, just before sex, on a sailboat. the day the mentor mc mailly eliminated each year, and of course... wait, because god knows it's true fear of pregnancy."}, {"x": "and why you smoke there?", "y": "i'm always on the verge of sleep ted."}, {"x": "maybe that smoking is not so bad, at least it is outdoors.", "y": "and my abs muscle nicotine. i... am... muscular."}, {"x": "actually, my throat is a little dry.", "y": "my god, i hope that arthur is well. i reserve her office in case."}, {"x": "yes, we stop.", "y": "i'm proud of you guys. i heard how it was difficult to stop smoking for as you, then the part of non-smokers, i tell you hat, so give me your cigarettes and i rid, one at a time."}, {"x": "i can not stop now, not before the most important interview of my life. it's too stressful.", "y": "it's too stressful!"}, {"x": "barney stops eating your fingers.", "y": "i do not bite my nails, i try to suck the rest of nicotine on my fingers."}, {"x": "what, you're a dinosaur?", "y": "what do cigarettes now? you believe they think of us?"}, {"x": "we will not smoke.", "y": "i have a hiding on the roof."}, {"x": "you know it's the perfect time there. for one last cigarette. the real last.", "y": "come on, let's do it."}, {"x": "she wants to do a doctorate, she reads the philosophy for fun, she finished the crossword in the sunday new york times.", "y": "ted, i am happy for you. sorry, not for you, not to be you."}, {"x": "why it's almost that guys?", "y": "only two things can cause this turmoil."}, {"x": "we'd better find a new bar.", "y": "what... are you crazy? it's a sexy barmaid. do you know how long i've waited for me... my friends, i slept with many women in my glory days. lawyers, professors, poets, doctors, professional riders, and animators... a butcher, a baker, a candle maker. yes, we got to the part where it rhymes. a teacher, a restorative, an observer... a puppeteer, a croupier, a housewife, it is also a job, guys. a circuit court judge..."}, {"x": "abbreviates!", "y": "i never, never slept with a barmaid sexy, until tonight."}, {"x": "no. shut up!", "y": "wish me luck."}, {"x": "it will never happen. she will pretend to enjoy yourself in the same way she has mesmerized all these geniuses.", "y": "guess who will not fall under his spell? i will make him \"do not try, baby. papa needs a gin and tonic. \"and when she will, i recracherai saying\" do it again. \" the dominant male where it should be on top, and after a few minutes below. why should i do anything?"}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "amateurs."}, {"x": "what do you want?", "y": "do not even try, baby. wait, what?"}, {"x": "you're going to stay there in order to be ridiculous?", "y": "uh..."}, {"x": "yeah, i'm gay. gay for you.", "y": "no matter. you understand why i'm the only guy she does not know this bar?"}, {"x": "yes... you will not like the answer.", "y": "it's easy. i just have to stop wearing costumes."}, {"x": "is that all? come on, you're always in costume.", "y": "true... but for these two... and, for that... finally, for her... i'll stop wearing, wait..."}, {"x": "sorry to have misjudged you. if there is a kind of men i can not stand are those in costume. ca, and a woman who does not comply.", "y": "the costumes and complexed. i hate them. i hate them."}, {"x": "we will order food.", "y": "i arrive in a second."}, {"x": "sorry, barney. there is nothing more to do.", "y": "so young. you can not do anything else?"}, {"x": "no. but we can use the buttons on this costume to another.", "y": "it can... as an organ donor?"}, {"x": "the death of this suit could save the life of another.", "y": "but i... do it."}, {"x": "you do what it takes. do not cry about it. it's silk.", "y": "sorry. i know. i know."}, {"x": "finally, you can abandon the quest for so-called sexy barmaid.", "y": "no. my costume gave his life for this cause, and i do not should rest before these two... well, it... finally,... be it mine."}, {"x": "barney, sorry about your friend. tell me about him.", "y": "it was italian. classic, elegant. and my god he knew how to deal with women. they could not say no."}, {"x": "how old was he?", "y": "7 years. i miss him so much!"}, {"x": "you should not be alone tonight. i will finish earlier.", "y": "thank you, old friend. you go on a good sh*t."}, {"x": "get out.", "y": "it was so special, you know? we should observe a minute of silence. followed by about 20 minutes of grunting."}, {"x": "i'll help you feel much better. let me refresh.", "y": "okay. expected. no, this is not the bathroom. this is..."}, {"x": "they are yours?", "y": "i'm the suit-sitting for someone."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "you heard me."}, {"x": "you want to sleep with jenkins?", "y": "with jenkins, of jenkins, near jenkins. you said it, i want to put like a sock."}, {"x": "as the show starts early, it is often at the bar. so when she did an interview, one should drink when she says \"but um\".", "y": "but huh?"}, {"x": "but um, it would seem, she often said.", "y": "it's funny, i also had a drinking game based on robin, robin finally. at the bottom of her stomach..."}, {"x": "it was agreed that you do not speak of those things.", "y": "sorry, you're right. she did not like anyway. she said it woke her up. does she said \"but um\" so often?"}, {"x": "she thinks she is strong. that's right, i have to prove that i am not the weak. i will make her jealous.", "y": "easy, that's the plan a, layer with jenkins. two, i sleep with jenkins first. three, the second rule is the first i'm going to rule 2."}, {"x": "exactly, i feel bad and i hate myself. if what i have done you got injured or affected your relationship with marshall, forgive me!", "y": "marshall, you're in the field!"}, {"x": "he decides his victim.", "y": "whatever the girl i'm trying to point is that i go with her tonight. and... they're off!"}, {"x": "so, the first night was pretty normal.", "y": "jim, there is nothing in my usual way to pack."}, {"x": "respect. which brings us to the second night.", "y": "that brings us to the second night. you see the b*mb that pampers its black russian? she left to exchange it with a white american. enter me five! you know... if you're not careful, you'll lose me."}, {"x": "it's all i want to be.", "y": "i guess that's just what they said when i was gone."}, {"x": "i believe it. you are awesome. now, night 3. describe it to us.", "y": "jim, i can tell you that i was gone, so i wanted a little spice."}, {"x": "you're yucky.", "y": "lily, it's people too."}, {"x": "wear what bad luck?", "y": "i had left to do... flawless."}, {"x": "awesome. i mean, it's the equivalent of sexual perfect game in baseball, in even harder.", "y": "yeah. the only player in history to have accomplished both pete was drexell 'the mustache' in 1896."}, {"x": "it was not the first time you were about to accomplish. so you knew that one mistake, and we reach the end. sometimes a teammate makes a mistake. sometimes a minefield...", "y": "you and me in the closet of the spanish supermarket next door."}, {"x": "... takes you straight into the wall. and sometimes you spread yourself. and it almost always ends badly. but this week, you were to 3 of 3, and no sign of abating.", "y": "i can even say, without a fault. i'd love to say the same of my friends."}, {"x": "so you're at four, he'll just make a 5 to 7.", "y": "well done, jim."}, {"x": "i'm going. he needs a brother. hey buddy.", "y": "hey!"}, {"x": "is everything okay?", "y": "absolutely. a background. it could not get better. i make fun of that? i need you."}, {"x": "anything you want. what's the matter?", "y": "which of these girls look the most stupid?"}, {"x": "let's see it. already heated to perfection? the smashed out? ok i will deal for big mac.", "y": "thank you, skip."}, {"x": "barney, i will interrupt you one second, i must ask you something. have you ever taken viagra?", "y": "no, sir. i like to play by the rules. while i can not say i did not propose to."}, {"x": "it was pretty awesome. you should try it. i still have a few.", "y": "no thank you."}, {"x": "you sure? ok, do as you like. what time is it?", "y": "it's 800."}, {"x": "800? i have to go to hospital.", "y": "i've never touched. i can pee in a jar if you like, jim nantz."}, {"x": "hey, what are you doing here? returns to the bar!", "y": "ted, relax. i am already 6 of 6."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "yeah. i ate at the tavern of vegetables, i started talking to the swedish top model, and the next moment we batifolait in the back of a carriage. go my beautiful, hue!"}, {"x": "great. what really happened?", "y": "i ate at the \"staten island chili's,\" and i jumped a hairdresser completely stuffed. are you happy, ulysses?"}, {"x": "barney, we know that you are going you may get fired. wait, you ought to speak. you turn away from reality, kissing unnecessarily on all sides.", "y": "no vain, ok? between number 5 and i, there was a connection. she will resume her studies, she has a child or who is studying... something with \"studies\"."}, {"x": "unbelievable. you know, there are two things that do not.first you do not open an email from phil simms to your children.and second you do not wear bad luck to a man on track to flawless.", "y": "i do not know what to tell you, lily is always trying to ruin me any."}, {"x": "i think she cracked a bit for the barnacle.", "y": "you have the eye to notice such details, jim nantz."}, {"x": "do not tell me that she dared to say \"the door-jinx, it does not exist.\"", "y": "i wish i had power."}, {"x": "you were about to achieve something so beautiful.", "y": "well, thank you to her, the only thing that can prevent a stroke insured was about to walk out the door. a member of the new york yankees world champions in 2009."}, {"x": "it's happening, look.", "y": "you wanna come to my house and watch the collection of snowballs?"}, {"x": "it was well played, well played, well played.", "y": "but not play well enough. all this week was a waste of time. and tomorrow i'm getting fired."}, {"x": "we frightened a couple great just because we share a toothbrush.", "y": "you share a toothbrush?"}, {"x": "well, they and ted.", "y": "... huh?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry. lily, nick swisher think it's cute.", "y": "martini?"}, {"x": "what do you say we go home?", "y": "wow, to be honest, this is not my habit, but i feel a real connection, number 7... christy. i beg you. i did it! i did it!"}, {"x": "unbelievable. congratulations on your faultless.", "y": "thank you, jim. i would never have done it without the help of my friends."}, {"x": "hey, on another subject, you really think you could get fired today?", "y": "uh, jim, i told you i wanted to talk about it."}, {"x": "barney, i go straight from your imagination, so apparently we must talk! think about it.", "y": "what a c**t."}, {"x": "stinson, we made a decision. we keep you. i know this last week has been hard.", "y": "i barely slept."}, {"x": "dibs on his wings!", "y": "hey, guys!"}, {"x": "hey!", "y": "does anyone know who won the superbowl?"}, {"x": "you were there. it was the...", "y": "i won! because i'm now in possession of a magic phone that always rings. and you know who's always usually on the other end? a chick. so how many chicks do i have calling me now? infinity! guys, remember ranjit?"}, {"x": "good to see you.", "y": "ok i've enlisted ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week i'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and i don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs!"}, {"x": "wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?", "y": "oh, indubitably! i'm meeting the first one here any minute. keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis."}, {"x": "hi, you are the guy from the superbowl.", "y": "magic phone, guys. magic phone!"}, {"x": "i did not...say... it was a good plan.", "y": "guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. and it is getting in-teh-resting. looks at these texts. read this one. yowza! now look at this one. does she text her mother with those fingers? now look at this one... or this one, or this one, or this one, or..."}, {"x": "ok ok ok buddy, how about you do this? go nail that girl, then read your texts.", "y": "i can't do that, ted. i just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked."}, {"x": "isn't there always a hotter girl?", "y": "i know, isn't it wonderful? go for barney. cut to the chase, what's your cup size?...oh, hi mom!"}, {"x": "see! that right there is what free will gets you. constant ego-shattering uncertainty. i'm done with that. i want what ranjit has. i've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and i'm spending valentine's day scrubbing the toilet. i need someone else to find me that woman. marshall, lily, arrange-marriage me!", "y": "or this one, or this one, or this one..."}, {"x": "lawyered.", "y": "there is no place i would rather be and no one i would rather be with... i should get that. go for barney... look, i'm sort of in the middle of someone, something right now and i... you're a hot lady bullfighter?... you gotta go."}, {"x": "mclaren's pub.", "y": "well, heeelllooo."}, {"x": "mclaren's pub.", "y": "well, heeelllooo."}, {"x": "mclaren's pub.", "y": "well, heeelllooo."}, {"x": "i realize that you're very busy, so i'll just get straight to the point.", "y": "ok."}, {"x": "and that's my bad leg. very bad. are you ok?", "y": "yeah of course. why, why wouldn't i be?... go for barney."}, {"x": "what's wrong?", "y": "did you hear that?"}, {"x": "hear what?", "y": "shhhhhhhh. aaahhhh"}, {"x": "mclaren's pub!", "y": "go-o for barrr-neeeeyy. d cups, really?"}, {"x": "well, she's not getting any younger.", "y": "get rid of it. this phone is cursed. cursed, i tell you! i tried to ignore it but it just never stops ringing. it's ruining my life! i should get that. no, please, please, please, marshall, let me answer it, it could be an emergency, she could be trapped in a giant bra."}, {"x": "barney, barney, let it go... to voicemail.", "y": "ok..."}, {"x": "why would ted order the rabbit if he's just gonna run out?", "y": "i need it back. where is the phone? well, heeellooooo. oh i met you already. where is the phone?"}, {"x": "it's hidden.", "y": "where?"}]
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