Newsgroup: it.hobby.umorismo
Titolo: La saga della lampadina (n=28) (-128)

1. Quanti carabinieri servono per avvitare una lampadina? Mille e uno:
uno tiene ferma la lampadina e mille vi avvitano attorno l'edificio.
2. Perche' un carabiniere da solo non puo' avvitare una lampadina?
Perche' cerca di piantarla con il martello.
3. Quanti programmatori ci vogliono per avvitare una lampadina?
Nessuno, e' un problema hardware!
4. Quanti cloni ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Tanti quanti
ne vuoi. Tanti quanti ne vuoi.
5. Quante bionde sono necessarie per cambiare una lampadina? Nessuna,
perche' in ogni caso, prima che capiscano quello che devono fare, e'
gia' giorno.
6. Quanti uomini veri ci vogliono per avvitare una lampadina? Nessuno,
gli uomini veri non hanno paura del buio.
7. Quanti Bill Gates ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina ? Uno. Lui
infila la lampadina e il mondo comincia a girargli intorno.
8. Quanti psichiatri servono per cambiare una lampadina? Uno solo,
pero' la lampadina deve veramente volere di essere cambiata (Ann Eve
Ricks).
9. Quanti abitanti di Chernobyl ci vogliono per cambiare una
lampadina? Nessuno, si illuminano da soli!!!
10. Quanti uomini ci vogliono per svitare una lampadina? Cinque! Uno
che la svita e quattro che lo stanno ad ascoltare quando si vanta di
averlo fatto.
11. Quanti gay ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Tre. Uno avvita
la lampadina 'Art Deco' e gli altri due strillano 'Favolosa'.
12. Quanti consulenti ci vogliono per montare una lampadina? Dieci.
Uno per montarla e gli altri 9 per convincerlo che sta facendo la
scelta giusta. 
13. Quanti maestri Zen ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Uno.
Lui tiene ferma la lampadina e l'universo gli gira intorno.
14. Quanti americani ci vogliono per avvitare una lampadina? Cinque.
Uno per avvitarla e 4 per scrivere la dichirazione di impatto
ambientale.
15. Quanti americani di New York ci vogliono per avvitare una
lampadina? Due. Uno viene assassinato sotto la lampadina fulminata,
l'altro lo rimpiazza dopo la pubblicita'.
16. Quanti inglesi ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Perche'
cambiarla? E' una dannata perfetta lampadina. L'abbiamo da 100 anni e
ha sempre funzionato bene!
17. Quanti tedeschi ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Due. Uno
da' l'ordine e l'altro l'avvita.
18. Quanti iracheni ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Non e' un
problema reale: gli iracheni non hanno l'elettricita'.
19. Quanti politici ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Due. Una
la cambia e l'altro la ricambia.
20. Quante baby-sitter ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina?
Nessuna. Non fanno pannolini cosi' piccoli.
21. Quanti medici ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Uno solo, ma
con l'aiuto di un'infermiera che gli dica da che parte avvitarla.
22. Quanti psicologi ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Nessuno.
La lampadina cambiera' da sola quando sara' pronta.
23. Quanti cattolici ci vogliono per avvitare una lampadina? Due. Uno
l'avvita e l'altro si pente e va a confessarsi.
24. Quanti psicologi freudiani ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina?
Due. Uno tiene la scala e l'altro avvita il pene. Ohhh, scusa il
lapsus, volevo dire la lampadina.
25. Quanti avvocati ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Dipende da
quanto puoi spendere.
26. Quanti registi ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina? Uno solo,
ma lo fa e lo rifa' per 30 volte di seguito (e alla fine dice che la
prima lampadina era stata quella avvitata meglio).
27. Quante lesbiche ci vogliono per cambiare una lampadina?
Sessantanove.
28. Quanti marziani ci vogliono per avvitare una lampadina? Uno e
mezzo.
Dr. Zap
N.B. : le raccolte monotematiche (aggiornate una volta l'anno circa)
si possono trovare ai seguenti siti:
http://utenti.tripod.it/DrZap/
http://usa.sfera.net/piazzetta/ridiamoci/ridiamoci.htm
 

uno tiene ferma la lampadina e mille vi avvitano attorno l'edificio.
non e' completa, e' solo una mezza saga

 ha scritto nel messaggio
news:8o4u80$s2f$1...@nslave1.tin.it...

Già ma quella lunga è in inglese
Quanti xxx servono per cambiare una lampadina?
...Americani...   Uno, ma da 30 chilometri con un
dispositivo laser di puntamento, e al costo di $800,000.
...Avvocati...   nessuno, lo fanno fare all'usciere. Ma tu
riceverai la fattura.
...Avvocati...   tanti quanti te ne puoi permettere.
...Carabinieri...   Centouno. Uno per tenere la lampadina e
il resto della compagnia per girare la caserma.
...Gay...    Sette! Uno per salire sulla scala e cambiare la
lampadina, e sei sotto per gridare: "E' meravigliosoooo...!"
...Gay...    Tre. Uno sulla scala e gli'altri due che
abbracciandosi dicono "Cielo!! Stai attento!!"
...Hillary Clinton ...          Una. Tiene la lampadina in
mano ed il mondo le gira attorno.
...Impiegati comunali...  DIECI, ovvero il personale dell'
ufficio appalti: indicono una gara, intascano le bustarelle
e NON fanno cambiare una lampadina. Cosi` poi possono indire
un' altra gara....
...Inglesi... Due.   Uno sulla scala e l'altro per versare i
drink.
...Iracheni...   Nessuno. Non la possono accendere comunque.
...Leghisti...   Quattro. Uno per trovare un
extracomunitario, uno per trovare un randello, uno per
picchiare l'extracomunitario e uno per trovare un
interprete, dal lombardo, che dica all'extracomunitario che
e` colpa sua se la lampadina si e` fulminata.
...Membri della coalizione...  "Non siamo ancora pronti a
dare dei numeri precisi."
...Missionari...   Centouno. Uno per avvitarla,e cento per
convincere gli altri ad avvitare lampadine anche loro.
...Operai statali..   CINQUE, uno cambia la lampadina, gli
altri quattro li ha imposti il sindacato
...Pittori surrealisti...  Quattro. Uno per tenere la
giraffa e gli altri per riempire la vasca da bagno con
attrezzi meccanici dai colori vivaci.
...Politici onesti...   Entrambi.
...Progettisti di Pentium...  1.99904274017, è abbastanza
esatto per del personale  non-tecnico.
...Progettisti di hardware...  Nessuno, basterà indicarlo
nella documentazione
...Programmatori MicroSoft...  Nessuno, Bill Gates cambia lo
standard in buio.
...Programmatori MicroSoft...  Uno. Deve tenere una
lampadina nuova in una mano e mettere due dita dell'altra
mano in una presa di corrente... (La compatibilita` con lo
standard passato va mantenuta ad ogni costo)
...Programmatori...   Nessuno, è un problema hardware
...Scrittori di manuali...  Nessuno è un problema di
assistenza tecnica
...Segretari di Reagan...  Nessuno. Adorano tenerlo all'
oscuro.
...Membri del GCN...  Una maggioranza dei Region Coordinator
di tutto il mondo per approvare un emendamento alla policy
che consenta di cambiare le lampadine.
...Tecnici dell'assistenza...  Nessuno, è un problema a
livello utente.
...Uomini veri...   Nessuno. Gli uomini veri non hanno paura
del buio.
...burocrati ...                Dunque, vediamo. Uno per
individuare la lampadina bruciata, uno per autorizzarne la
requisizione, dodici per archiviare la requisizione, uno per
consegnare l'ordine di requisizione all'ufficio di acquisto,
uno per eseguire l'ordinazione, uno per ricevere la
lampadina....
...cloni ...                    Tanti quanti ne vuoi
...femministe ...               Quattordici. Sei per formare
un Comitato Femminile di Cambio delle Lampadine e otto per
protestare che cambiare le lampadine è sfruttamento delle
donne.
...poeti ...                    Tre! Uno per maledire
l'oscurità, uno per accendere una candela e uno per cambiare
la lampadina.
...socialisti ...               Uno solo. Ma ci mette 40anni
a capire che e` rotta!
...terapisti del sesso ...      Due! Uno perché lo faccia e
l'altro perché gli dica che lo fa in modo sbagliato.
...veneti ...                   Due. Uno per tenere la
lampadina e l'altro per bere fino a che non gira tutta la
stanza!
- Cos'è quella cosa nera, abbrustolita che pende dal
soffitto?
- Un Carabiniere che ha provato a cambiare una lampadina.



Come dicevo appunto il grosso (390) è in Inglese, si
accettano volontari per la traduzione!!!
--
 ______________
(___
____) lartibartfast
How many
is needed to screw a lightbulb?
Carl Sagans
Billions and billions.
Bugs
Two, but how the fuck did they get in there in the first
place?
Mice
Two. But how do you get them in the lightbulb in the first
place?
SCA'ers
A light-what?
epeeists
Only two, but they take forever planning how to do it.
epeeists
Two, but they have difficulty getting both bulbs in at the
same time.
foilists
Three. Two to screw in the lightbulb, and one to call the
action.
foilists
Trick question -- changing lightbulbs is too practical for
foilists.
jugglers
One. But there must be at least three lightbulbs.
sabreurs
"If we fenced dry, we wouldn't have to change lightbulbs!"
sabreurs
8, 2 to charge at each other screaming, one to call the halt
and four to abstain on making any claims. The 8th guys runs
and gets someone to change the lightbulb.
sabreurs
None, sabreurs have yet to see the light.
sabreurs
None. Sabreurs aren't afraid of the dark.
Gorillas
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Mice
Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Sexual
;
Feminists
That's not funny!
Gays
One. But it takes the an entire staff of a hospital casualty
department to remove it.
Gays
Only one, with the use of some vaseline.
Gays
Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Jewish-American Princesses
Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Lesbians
Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much
better it is than with a man.
Men
None, men aren't afraid of the dark.
Men
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
Necrophiliacs
None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
Real Men
None of your damn business!
Real Men
None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
Real Women
None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
S.Francisco hetero
Both of them.
Sadists
Just one. Excuse me, but could you please test this socket
with your finger while I get a new bulb?
Stright San Franciscans
Both of them.
Valley Girls
Ohhh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure!
Theatre
actors
One
 if he can find it.
actors
One; the actor holds the lightbulb, and the world revolves
around the actor
actors
What's it's motivation?
art directors
Well
Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?
directors
3
no, make it 4
on second thought 3
make it 5 just to be safe.
directors
Hmmmmmm
Light bulb
Allow me to ponder the changing of the bulb.
Electricians
None of your damn business.
electricians
None: its a lamp.
electricians
None
if it worked once they aren't gonna play with it
grips
2 one to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the
base.
IA guys
One, once he puts down the donut and coffee.
interns
I dunno
I'm just happy to be here.
interns
It doesn't matter, you'll have to do it again anyway.
lighting designers
None. Its a carefuly orchestrated blackout.
PA's
None, they're still f**king with the switch.
stage managers
I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
stagehands
None. That's an Electrician's job.
straight actors
Both of them.
Stuntmen
11. 1 to change the bulb, 10 to clap.
teamsters
15. You gots a f***ing problem wit dat?
Faith
Anglo-Catholics
None. They always use candles instead.
Atheists
One. But they are still in darkness.
Bratzlaver Chassidim
None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as
the first one.
Brethren
Change?????
Calvinists
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
Calvinists
None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it
Himself!
Charismatics
One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
Charismatics
Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
Charismatics
Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the
experience!
Christian Scientists
None, but it takes at least one to pray for the old bulb to
go back on.
Christians
Three, but they're really one.
Conservative Anglicans
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if
the person changing it is a woman.!
Episcopalians
10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much
they like the old one.
Evangelicals
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out
the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to
change itself.
Evangelistas
All of them. One to publish the old bulb's e-Mail address
and the rest mail-bomb it until it goes away.
Evangelists
One. Praaaaaaaaaaaaiiisse the Lord!
Existentialists
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light
bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of
subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Independent Baptists
Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
Jewish mothers
None. ("That's all right
I'll just sit here in the dark
")
Liberals
10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the
lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence
of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for
fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
Member of the church of Christ
5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.
Missionaries
10. Five to determine
can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary
funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Missionaries
101. One to change the bulb and 100 to convince everyone
else to change light bulbs, too.
Pentecostals
10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit
of darkness.
Pentecostals
25. One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the
powers of darkness.
Presbyterians
Well, it should require about five committees to review the
idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members,
that's what
30?
Pro-Lifers
Six. Two to screw in the light bulb and four to testify that
it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Religious fundamentalists
3,000. One to change the bulb and the rest to start a jihad
over those who don't believe that bulb was holy.
Religious fundamentalists
Five. One to change the bulb, 2 to throw their children in
front of moving cars at the Women's Clinic and 2 to go to
the gun store to stock up on shotgun shells for the night's
festivities.
Religious fundamentalists
None. That lightbulb isn't saved.
Religious fundamentalists
None. They already believe that they have the Way, the Truth
and the Light.
Religious fundamentalists
None. Why bother? "The End Is Nigh!"
Religious fundamentalists
Two. One to obtain the light and another to make sure it is
the "One, true light."
Roman Catholics
Two; one to screw it in and another to repent.
Roman Catholics
Two; one to screw it in and another to repent.
TV evangelists
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth,
send in your donation today.
University chaplains
None - they wouldn't change it in case it offended any other
sincere lightbulbs.
Worship leaders
1 - he just holds it in the socket and the rest of the world
revolves around him.
Worship leaders
One- he just holds it in the socket and the rest of the
world revolves around him.
Zen Buddhists
Two. One to replace the bulb, and one not to replace the
bulb.
Zen masters
"One to change and one not to" is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is six. One to change the bulb.
Zen masters
Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the
novice. A tree in a golden forest.
Zen masters
Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
Zen masters
Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their
own light within themselves.
Zodiac
Aquarians
A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to
change the bulb and bring light into the world.
Aquarians
Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking
me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, rea me questions.
Aquarians
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so
Arians
Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
Arians
None. Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
Arians
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs. (smash pop
crash)
Cancerians
Just one, but it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grieving process.
Capricorns
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Capricorns
None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs -- unless
they're a legitimate business expense.
Capricorns
None. Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn
out again tomorrow anyway.
Geminis
Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're
done the lightbulb will do your homework, speak French, and
shine any color you want it to.
Geminis
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be
done!
Geminis
Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about
who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.
Geminis
Two. Plus a portable phone, an internet link, and a copy of
the "Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs."
Leos
Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their
agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
Leos
None, Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.
Leos
One, He holds the bulb and the world spins around him.
Libras
Er, two, or, maybe one. No--on second thought, make that
two. Is that OK with you?
Libras
Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the
bulb, and where it burned out. It might perhaps just take
one if it's just an ordinary bulb, or maybe two if the
person doesn't know where to find a new bulb, or
Libras
Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
Pisceans
Huh? The light's out?
Pisceans
Light bulb? What light bulb?
Pisceans
None, They concern themselves with inner light.
Pisceans
What lightbulb?
Sagittarians
A whole bunch, You can only keep them in the room long
enough for each of them to give the bulb a quarter turn.
Sagittarians
Look, as me when I get back from India, OK?
Sagittarians
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Scorpios
None -- they'd rather sit in the dark.
Scorpios
That information is strictly secret and only shared with the
inner members of the hierarchical order.
Scorpios
Why do you want to know? Are you a cop?
Tauruses
None; Tauruses never want to change anything.
Tauruses
One, but just *try* to convince them that he burned-out one
is useless and should be thrown away.
Tauruses
One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten
course meal and some great sex.
Virgos
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Virgos
Let's see, one to spot the bulb, one to record the time the
bulb burned out and the date it was purchased, one to decide
who's fault it is that the bulb burned out and ask why that
brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to
remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb
Virgos
Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs,
they're too busy changing them for everyone else.
Students.
Acadi.. ; Two--One to change the bulb and the other to say
loudly how he did it better than the Dalhousie student.
Agricultural College
None--They still use oil lamps.
Amherst
Thirteen--one to change the bulb and an a capella group to
immortalize the event in song
Bard
One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light
bulb.
Boston College
Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party
because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
Boston University
Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math
homework.
Bowdoin
Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the
bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to
screw it in.
Brown
Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the
experience.
Brown
Four---one to change the lightbulb, two to protest the lack
of longer-lasting, environmentally-friendly lightbulbs, and
one to get another nose ring.
Bucknell
One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light
bulb.
College of Art and Design
does it take to change a lightbulb? Four--One to change the
light bulb, one to hold her clothes, one to > call it
performance art, and one to post the others' bail. >
Columbi.. ; Seventy-six --one to change the lightbulb, fifty
to protest the lightbulb's right not to change, and
twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.
Columbi.. ; Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to hold
the gun.
Connecticut College
Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if
they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.
Cornell
None---They're all to heavy to climb the ladder to change
the bulb, since there's nothing to do in Ithaca but eat all
day, and they all get depressed so they get an extra week of
vacation so they don't kill themselves after taking 6
classes AND P.E.
Cornell
Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the
pressure.
Dalhousie
One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him
Dartmouth
No one knows---they were all too drunk to remember.
Dartmouth
None--Hannover doesn't have electricity.
Duke
A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get
the bulb out of the socket.
Five, One to hold the bulb and four to drink until the room
spins.
Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out
from under him.
Generic students
Only one, but it takes him about five years to get it done.
Generic students
Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to
get it done.
Georgetown
Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their
progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U. .
Harvard
One--he calls his Ivy League alum secretary and has it
changed.
Harvard
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves
around him.
Harvard
1600--All of the freshmen want to change it, since there's
nothing else to do.
Harvard
One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
ITI
It depends--Is there any money in it for them?
King's
Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual
orientation
MIT
Five--one to design a nuclear-powered bulb that never needs
changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston
using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to
write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
Med students
Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out
from under him.
Memorial
Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party
because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
Middlebury
Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the
perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
Mount Holyoke
One--she calls a Smithie to do it.
Mount Saint Vincent
Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the
perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
Mt. Allison
None--Sackville doesn't have electricity.
Oberlin
Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get
high off the old one.
Penn
None--when Penn reordered more lightbulbs, they were
mistakenly sent to State College.
Penn
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
Princeton
Five--one to tip the man-servant, and four to comment about
all "those Jews and Communists at Harvard" over cocktails.
Princeton
Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the
electrician.
Reed
One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has
platform Birkenstocks.
Saint Mary's
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
Santa clara university
One--but you would never know about it because only Caland
Stanford get press for changing their lightbulbs
Sarah Lawrence
Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive
dance about it.
Smith
One--all you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a
heterosexual lightbulb again.
St. F.X
 ; None--Antigonish looks better in the dark.
St.George's
Where's that?
Stanford
One, dude.
Swarthmore
Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's
just that they're all violently twitching from too much
stress.
Tufts
Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how
he did it as well as an Ivy League student
Tuns
Five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs
changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Halifax using
that
nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the
computer program that controls the wall switch.
U.C.C.B
 ; Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how
if they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go
out.
U.P.E.I
 ; U.P.E.I. has students?
University de Moncton
Two--One to change the lightbulb et un person de changer la
lumiere.
University of New Brunswick
Four--One to shoot out the origional one with a shotgun, one
to drive the pickup truck to the site of the lightbulb, one
to pass out wads of chewing tobacco, and one to play the
theme song from "Deliverence" to keep them all happy
Vassar
Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual
orientation.
Wellesley girls
First of all, it's Wellesley WOMEN, thank you, and one
student .
Wesleyan
Wesleyan's boycotting GE
you know, military-industrial complex and all that.
Williams
The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's
nothing else to do.
Yale
None--New Haven looks better in the dark.
Yale
Twelve--one to write a play about the ramifications of
changing a lightbulb, and eleven drama majors to star in it.
Computer:
America Online users
None. They wait for new lightbulbs to be added.
Apple gurus
750. Six hundred to design the graphics, one hundred to
write the menus and fifty to file a 'look and feel' lawsuit
against Thomas Edison.
Bell Labs Vice Presidents
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T
on payment of license fee.
Computer magazine editors
We don't know, they never return calls or e-Mail.
Database programmers
Three. One to write a light bulb removal program, One to
write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a
light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries
to change the bulb at the same time.
IBM employees
One hundred. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
X25BP-2JH99, multitasking Incandescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page
intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of
the form "A------" consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks.
IBM engineers
None. The just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a
new feature.
IBM types
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number
GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System
Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page
intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of
the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank
characters separated by blanks".
IS guys
I'll put you in the queue and get back to you next week.
Internet mail list subscribers
1,33, 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
list that the light bulb has been changed, 14 to share
similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently, 7 to caution
about the dangers of changing light bulbs, 27 to point out
spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs,
53 to flame the spell checkers, 156 to write to the list
administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion
and its inappropriateness to this mail list, 41 to correct
spelling in the spelling/grammar flames, 109 to post that
this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this
email exchange to alt.lite.bulb, 203 to demand that cross
posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation
about changing light bulbs be stopped, 111 to defend the
posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list,
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is
superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of
light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands
are faulty, 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
different light bulbs, 14 to post that the URLs were posted
incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs, 3 to post about
links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list, 33 to
concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add "Me Too.", 12 to post to
the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversey, 19 to quote the "Me
Too's" to say, "Me Three.", 4 to suggest that posters
request the light bulb FAQ, 1 to propose new
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup, 47 to say this is just what
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here, 143 to
votes for alt.lite.bulb.
Mac users
None. Lightbulbs are made of glass, and that makes them too
much like Windows.
Macintosh computer users
None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
OS/2 users
It's never been put to the test
OS/2 bulbs are crash-resistant.
PC engineers`
None. It's a software problem.
Programmers
None. It's a hardware problem.
Support technicians
Please hold and someone will be with you shortly.
Unix operators
As many as you want, they're all virtual anyway.
Webmasters
404 (Not found).
Windows 3.1 users
Only one at a time; they don't do pre-emptive multitasking.
Windows 95 users
As many as you like, but only if your system meets or
exceeds a fast 486 processor with 16MB of RAM.
Lawyers
;
65. 42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying
power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made
the bulb burn out in the first place, 14 to sue the
electrician who wired the house, and 9 to sue the bulb
manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to
object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to
dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their
time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two
to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
How many can you afford?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his
light bulb.
None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the
following bill: Item Charge, Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum) $
400, Connectivity charge $ 100, Staff charge $ 250,
Secretary prepared bill $ 2, Research fee $ 422, Consulting
fee $ 431, Paralegal processing fees $ 25, Specialized
equipment $ 122, Bought bulb $ 5, Overnight express delivery
$ 34, Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge $ 394, Total $ 2185
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated
task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures
of the following agreement
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as
"Lawyer",and the party of the second part, also known as
"Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction
wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be
removed from the current position as a result of failure to
perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway,
terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal
transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps: The party of art (Lawyer) shall, with or
without elevation at his option, by means of a chair,
stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise
direction, this point being non-negotiable. Upon reaching a
point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"),the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes. Once separation and
disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This
installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being
non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be
performed, at the option of the party of the first part
(Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the
party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and
one to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to change it and two to keep interrupting by
standing up and shouting "Objection!"
Ethnic
:
Gods
Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the
planet.
<ethnics>
10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Californians
Five. One to change the lightbulb, and four to share the
experience.
Californians
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to
relate to the experience.
Frat guys
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
Frat guys
Three. One to screw it in and two to help him down off the
keg.
Gods
Two. One to hold the lightbulb, the other to rotate the
planet.
Iraqis
None. They can't turn them on anyway.
Irishmen
Five. One to hold the lightbulb, and four to turn the ladder
around.
Jewish wives
Only one. But it's alright, I can sit in the dark.
New Yorkers
F**k you! Its none of your business.
New Yorkers
Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, fifty! It's in the contract.
New Yorkers
None of your fuckin' business!
Oregonians
Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Oregonians
Six. One to screw in the bulb, and the other five to mop the
floor.
People does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple
People from New Jersey
Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third
to shoot the witness.
Polacks
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Strong <ethnics>
115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Strong Irishmen
Five. One to hold the lightbulb, and four to turn the room
around.
WASPs
Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
WASPs
Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the
martinis.
Professional
Accountants
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Army commanders
1,000,000. One to change the bulb, and 999,999 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Board meetings
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is
incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will
be continued next week. Meanwhile
Brewers
One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Builders
I'll get you an estimate by next Thursday.
Bureaucrats
Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done
while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Campfire worship leaders
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
Civil servants
Fifty. One to change it, and 49 to fill in the paperwork.
Civil servants
45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Company biotechnologists
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the
bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to
design the bulb.
Consultants
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Cops
None. It turned itself in.
Country and western singers
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Doctors
Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Economists
Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the
ladder.
Editors of Poor Richard's Almanac
Many hands make light work.
Enviormentalists
11 - one to install the new one, and 10 to lead protests
about how to dispose of the old one.
Ergonomicists
Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and
Exixtentialists
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light
bulb itself symbolizes a single reflective beacon of
subjectivereality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
FBI Agents
I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Federal employees
Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Folk singers
Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about
how good the old light bulb was.
Football players
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for
it!
Freelance biotechnologists
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the
old bulb and screw itself in.
Generals/Politicians
1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Jugglers
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Junkies
Oh, like wow, man. Is it dark out, or what?
Kendok
One -- but he has to use both hands.
Managers
Three. One to find out if it needs changing, and two to tell
an employee to change it.
Managers
Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Maoists
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight
Darkness!"
Marxists
None, the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own
revolution.
Mathematicians
One. He gives it to five students, thus reducing it to a
previously solved problem.
Members of the Impossible Missions Force
Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy
dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist
dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic
mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to
sneak upto the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a
new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile,
Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just
before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the
laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
United States. This tape will self distruct in ten seconds.
Mystery writers
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Nuclear Scientists
Fifty one. One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure
what to do with the old one.
Nuclear engineers
Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what
to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Policemen
None. It was not forced. It changed itself.
Policemen
None. There never was a lightbulb.
Professors
Only one, but he can get a research grant for it, and should
be able to produce at least three reports on the outcome.
Professors
Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it and a
grant from the National Science Foundation.
Psychiatrists
None, the lightbulb will change itself when it's ready.
Psychiatrists
Only one, but it must really want to change.
Psychiatrists
KS> Only one. But it takes a long time, and the light bulb
has to WANT to change. NOW you've done it
Psychiatrists
Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Psychologists
None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Recombinant DNA Engineers
Two and a half.
Russian leaders
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light
bulbs.
Shi'ites
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to
the Beirut airport, one to hold a press conference, and one
to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of
fluorescent bulbs held hostage around the world.
Supply-side economists
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.
Supply-siders
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by
itself.
Surrealists
Nineteen. One to hold the elephant, and the penguin to fill
up the car with a deaf fish.
Surrealists
Fish.
Surrealists
Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Technical writers
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain
how to do it.
Terrorists
Two: One to stage a suicide attack on the old bulb and one
to claim responsibility in a phone call to the media.
Thought police
None. There never *was* any light bulb.
U.S. Marines
50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
University chaplains
None - they wouldn't change it in case it offended any other
sincere lightbulbs.
Vietnam Veterans
You could never understand if you weren't there, man.
Vulcans
"Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000000."
White House Interns
None, they are too busy screwing the President.
Space
Bandersnatchii
Two. One to sit on your armoured hunting car, and one to
explain what you'll have to do before it gets off
again.&quot;
Big black monoliths
Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Carlos Wus
With an unlimited breeding licence, who needs lightbulbs?
Creatures from (sorority)
Two. One to change it and one to chaperone.
Creatures from Altair VII
One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his
fingers will provide quite nice illumination.
Grogs
One. Something with manipulatory appendages will be along
eventually.
Kdatlyno
None. It sounds perfectly OK to them.
Kzin
None. You can scream and leap in the dark.
Members of the Starship Enterprise
Fifteen. Stardate 21-47-16. While using the "Corbomite
Maneuver" to escape from the Tholian Web, Kirk orders the
ship to warp factor nine. Scotty calls from engineering and
complains that "Me engines canna take much more o' this,
Capin'." With that, a light bulb on the bridge burns out.
Kirk orders yellow alert and calls sick bay for Bones to
come to the bridge and pronounce the bulb dead. "It's dead,
Jim.", Bones finalizes. "What are we to do?"; Kirk asks of
the bridge crew. "Dammit, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not an
electrician!". Spock notes that planet Ceti Alpha 12 (famous
for the quality of their light bulbs and near savage
populace) lies only 2.105434343234 solar days journey from
the present position if they only deviate slightly from
their present course. Kirk nods in assent and tells Sulu to
plot such a course; where Sulu replies: "It's already
programmed in, Captain." Chekov secretly wishes for Sulu's
position and haircut. 2.10543434343234 days later, Uhura
hails the planet on all known hailing frequencies (with the
universal translator tied in, of course) and replies:
"They're receiving, but they just won't answer." Kirk
decides to transport to the planet surface, with Spock,
Bones, Chekov, two red-shirted security guards and Lt.
Hamlin, the ships' extraterrestrial light bulb expert. Upon
arrival, the two security guards are immediately killed, and
the rest of the landing party is taken prisoner. While
interned, Kirk falls in madly love with his alien female
jailer, but Spock preforms a mind-meld on her and convinces
her to let them go. Bones sits in the corner muttering about
half-breed Vulcans always stealing scenes. In their escape
attempt, the female jailer is grievously injured, but Bones
nurses her back to health while Lt. Hamlin shows the
backward populace how to increase their light bulb
production while cutting production costs. After they win
the support of the Ceti Alphans and get their communicators
back, Scotty calls to say that a Klingon and Romulan warship
is bearing down on the Enterprise as he speaks. Kirk bellows
to "Get my ship out of there!" while Uhura says:" We'll
never leave you, Captain." Kirk overrides that and tells
Scotty you warp the hell out of there. Scotty notes that the
bulb that they are getting a replacement for is the
illumination control bulb for the warp engines, but that he
may be able to jury-rig something. "Just save my ship,
Mister!" reminds Kirk. Scotty rigs up an elaborate warp
illuminator out of spare parts from Sargon's sphere and the
top of Nomad. He lights the engines just as the two alien
ships begin firing. The Enterprise disappears in a puff of
light speed, while the Klingon bolt vaporizes the Romulan
ship and the Romulan bolt barbeques the Klingon ship. Scotty
returns to Ceti Alpha 12 to beam up the landing party. Kirk
leaves, laden with a replacement light bulb and the thought
of his love for his injured jailer. He vows to return
someday. The landing party beams back and gives the light
bulb to Engineer Sixth Class Freeson for him to replace the
old one. Engineer Sixth Class Freeson promptly drops the
light bulb, shattering it into a million pieces. Spock
suggests that a warp speed slingshot around the double sun
of the Ceti Alpha system would propel them back in time to
just before Engineer Sixth Class Freeson drops the bulb, so
the whole incident really would have never occurred. With
everyone back on the bridge, they attempt time travel, and
return exactly 5.604 seconds before Engineer Sixth Class
Freeson drops the light bulb. Spock, with his exceptional
Vulcan physique and green blood, snatches the bulb only mere
milliseconds before it hits the floor. He hands it over to
Scotty, who successfully replaces the bulb. With shields
dropped, our intrepid bunch is free to continue on their now
well-lit 5 year mission to boldly go where no man has gone
before
Motie Mediators
Are you insane? Only Crazy Eddie would want to change
anything.
Motie Warriors
None. One of the dead ones will do it.
Motie Watchmakers
One. Four to change the lightbulb and seventeen to convert
the old bulb into an escape capsule for all the others.
Outsiders
Personal questions cost one trillion stars.
Pak Protectors
Only one, but the lightbulb has to smell right.
Puppeteers
None. They hire Beowulf Shaeffer to to it. Lightbulbs can be
dangerous.
Ringworld Engineers
Thirty. Hey, moving suns around isn't easy
Romulans
151, one to change the bulb and 150 to self-destruct the
ship out of disgrace.
Slavers
Dunno. How susceptible are lightbulbs to telepathy?
Teela Browns
Stupid question.
Tnuctip
Depends what you want them to change it into.
Trinoc
Why do you want to know about our maintenance schedules? Are
you planning to attack us in the dark?
Other lightbulb jokes
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light
bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling? An actor
changing a light bulb.
A final Theatre observation
I presume this mysterious lamp is in the toilets - if it was
a stage lantern, you would also need : 1 to go and look for
a new coloUr filter, 1 to hold the swatch book, 1 to find a
Stanley knife, 1 to re-frame the colour, and 1 to focus the
damn lantern. Plus of course 1 person on the switchboard to
bring the level down a point 'cos it is now too bright, plus
absolute silence in the theatre so that they can discuss the
problem, and absolute darkness without notice, so that the
carpenters have to stop in mid hammer blow or risk
amputation of a thumb.
Miscellaneous electrical Jokes
What's the difference between the lighting tech and the
sound tech? The lighting tech washes his hands BEFORE he
goes to the bathroom.
"You know.. I worked in the theatre for {insert relevant
time period} before I learned that F***ingElectricians was
really TWO words!"
What do you call an electrician with a hammer? Thief!
What do you call a carpenter working in a panel? Dead!
Why don't you run over an electrician on a bicycle? Might be
your bike.
What do you get when you make an electrician a carpenter? A
bad carpenter.
What do you get when you make a carpenter an electrician? A
dead carpenter.
How tall is the average union electrician? Don't know. Never
seen one stand up.
How do you know when a union electrician is dead? The
doughnut rolls out of his hand.

 accettano volontari per la traduzione!!!
Non penso che sia necessaria la traduzione... solo gli inglesi possono
ridere alle loro battute !!!