Newsgroup: it.hobby.umorismo
Titolo: Monty Python (4) da tradurre

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through
it ! (Monty Python) 
ATTENZIONE!!!  
L'URL del sito del DrZap e' cambiato:
http://utenti.lycos.it/umorismo/
(oltre 27.100 battute e barzellette)
Dr.Zap

it ! (Monty Python) 
questo incontro tra zap e i monthy python comincia  a
risultarmi angosciante.


A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Customer: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Customer: (pause) I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a
complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this
very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian
Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's
dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Customer: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable
bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Customer: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Customer: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle
fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Customer: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Customer: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Customer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to
the floor.) 
Customer: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Customer: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Customer: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely
'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and
when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me
that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired
and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the
fjords.
Customer: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is
that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I
got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!
Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Customer: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it
had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it
had been NAILED there.
(pause) 
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't
nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those
bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Customer: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you
put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Customer: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no
more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is
maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If
you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the
daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off
the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is
mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin'
choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause) 
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
Owner: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the
shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Customer: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I got a slug.
(pause) 
Customer: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS
IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton,
he'll replace the parrot for you.
Customer: Bolton, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves. 
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting
on a false moustache. 
Customer: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Customer: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for
you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked
"Complaints".
Customer: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Customer: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job
because I like being my own boss!
Customer: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python
files out to 150 lines, you know.
Customer: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton
train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Customer: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was
lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Customer: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does. 
Customer: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Customer: You told me it was Ipswitch!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Customer: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells
the same backwards as forwards?
Customer: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Customer: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton"
would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Customer: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any
longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too
silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've
got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off
stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving
the owner alone on the set)
Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in
the first place.
I wanted to be...
A LUMBERJACK!
(he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt
and suspenders under it) 
Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!
With my best girl by my side! etc. etc. etc.
( continued in LUMBERJACK PYTHON )
Alternative Ending
Customer: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Customer: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS
IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Customer: Well.
(pause) 
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my
place?
Customer: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.


"Do you want a 30 cm. crazy man?"