Newsgroup: it.cultura.linguistica.inglese
Titolo: The Twelve Days of Christmas (humor)

I am posting here a reply to the "Twelve Days of Christmas".  I think I already
did that last year, but I am reposting for those who missed it.  Unfortunately,
unless you are familiar with the original song, you won't find it funny.
Happy Holidays!
December 14, 1998
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased
darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
December 15, 1998
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule
doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and
generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
December 16, 1998
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity.
The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not
surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
December 17, 1998
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you
think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 1998
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger.
You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of
those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves.
Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1998
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where
will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with
all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1998
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of
sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up,
and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so
stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1998
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids
a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front
lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay
off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
December 22, 1998
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers
playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me,
and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 1998
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're
dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the
cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom
everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why
the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep!
I'm sicking the police on you!
One who means it!
December 24, 1998
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms
breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is
an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are
quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you
rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 1998
The Law Offices of Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction
of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze
Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this
letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

 already did that last year, 
Yes, but it's nice to read it again.
By the way, I might have already posted what follows, either, but here it
goes (again):
The original 12 days song
http://www.12days.com/library/carols/12daysofxmas.htm
The meaning of the various 'items' (according to what appears to be a
semi-integralist website : ))) )
http://www.cresourcei.org/cy12days.html
Some xmas trivia
http://people.howstuffworks.com/christmas.htm/printable
cheers,
Peltio
(Ti uì tusa, s'eri ciapaà cun el meè compiuter e t'ho minga faà i auguri de
Natal. T'i foò adess, va ben istess?)

Ti uì tusa, s'eri ciapaà cun el meè compiuter 
Ma te disi mi!  Ven chi no a cascia bal!  Ciapa' cun el compiuter?  Mi disi che
ti t'eret ciapa cun i tusan!  
Ma preocupes no!  va ben instess.  Auguri anca a ti.  E quan te vegnet chi?
Ari

 Agnes
But it's missing the point of the song and of the humor: 
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear
tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two turtle doves
*and a partridge in a pear tree.*
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three French hens,
*two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.*
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four calling birds,
*three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.*
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five go-ld rings,
*four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in
a pear tree.*
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six geese a-laying,
*five go-ld rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree.*
etc. ad nauseam. :)
--
 
This is my opinion of modern, colloquial, *conversational* American
English. 
If you feel the need to e-mail me, un-not my address first.

But it's missing the point of the song and of the humor: 
I know.  If you don't know the song, it's not funny  and reading the lyrics, if
you have never heard the song before and if you don't know what it is, it's not
going to make it any funnier.  It's still not funny.
I posted the joke for you and all those people (how may of us are there?  three
or four?) who are familiar with the original song.
bye
ari