Newsgroup: it.cultura.linguistica.inglese
Titolo: For Anglophiles

Ricevo e inoltro. E ne approfitto per ricambiare i graditissimi auguri di
Bambi e augurare a mia volta sorrisi e balocchi a tutto il Realm.
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A letter to America from, allegedly, the great John Cleese
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
ommonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the
suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as American English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than
a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation (note the hyphen).
*******************************
-- 
Ciao,
Anna

 communication.
Using old-fashioned filler noises such as "if you will" is a more
elegant... unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
;)