Newsgroup: it.cultura.linguistica.inglese
Titolo: Customer complaint letter (English humour)

A friend of mine sent me this example of english humour, so I thought
of posting it here for you to enjoy.
+--
 A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL-a telephony services
 company in the UK-from their Complaints Department.
Dear Cretins
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
 your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
 During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
 which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
 stupidity of monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking
B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I
spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and
the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website....How?
I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place
some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a
number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several
further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my
modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and
begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday
to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of  disinterested individuals, who
are also, it seems, highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
thatI will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they
are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest
to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise
and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by
derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short lives, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
Yours faithfully,
+--
I know you can't speak, I know you can't sign
So cry right here on the dotted line

  company in the UK-from their Complaints Department.
Quasi quasi la giro all'abuseman di Libero Infostrada,  che, come forse non
vi ho mai detto, mi ha BLACKLISTATO il numero di telefono e disattivato
diversi account (anche quello che adesso uso come mittente) per ragioni come
minimo idiote (segnalazioni di Peltio, Lupo Buono e altri buontemponi
telematici).

Lupo, thanks.  I needed that.  I will file it and adapt it to my needs.  I'm
sure I'll get a lot of use out of it.
ciao
arianna