Newsgroup: it.cultura.linguistica.inglese
Titolo: Showers (long-ish)

Dear Realmers,
I hope you don't *all* know this already. It was actually faxed to me,
and I found it really funny.
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning
   because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the
   temperature dropping below 73 degrees. Carefully fold and place in
   clothes hamper.
2. Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up
   any exposed flesh immediately.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
   so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're
   getting fat.
4. Position the shower nozzle away from you and turn on water.
5. Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.
6. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide
   loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
   added vitamins.
8. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
   added vitamins.
9. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
   with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
10. Watch fallen hair accumulate on drain & fret.
11. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub until raw red.
12. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
    wash.
13. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once
    again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
14. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes
    as you must make sure that it has all come off).
15. Shave armpits and evaluate if there is time left for legs.
16. Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
17. Use pumice stone to soften rough spots on feet.
18. Use massage mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.
19. Use nail brush to clean toenails.
20. Scream loudly when your husband runs faucet and you get a rush of
    cold water.
21. Cover your entire body in baby oil.
22. Turn hot water on full and rinse off, making shower dangerously
    slippery for husband.
23. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
24. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in
    an uncommon place.
25. Apply body lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize!
26. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
    If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
    immediately, and then rush to bedroom.
How to Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to bathroom.
3. If wife seen, shake knob at her making the "Woo" sound.
4. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have
pecks (No!).
5. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers
for one last whiff.
6. Get in shower.
7. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
8. Wash face.
9. Wash armpits.
10. Crack up at how loud farts sound in the shower.
11. Wash privates and surrounding area.
12. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
13. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
14. Make shampooed hair into Mohican style. Pull back curtain to see
self in mirror.
15. Pee (in shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of shower.
17. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath
for whole shower time.
18. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob
(again).
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
20. Leave bathroom light and fan on.
21. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
22. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob and go "Yeah baby" and
thrust pelvis at her.
23. Put on yesterday's clothes.
-- 
Isa
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching
http://web.tiscalinet.it/alfabeto_auschwitz/

 How to Shower Like a Man
What's this world coming to?!
First we had Ron with his 40-inch busted, topless, G-stringed
Californian girls.
Now we have Isa with her knob-infatuated husband. All right, it's not
hers, it's someone else's, sent to her.
And then there is, of course, Frank challenging every able-bodied man
to a duel.
Two days to go! That'll be quite a raucous party at Milan.
--
Xakero
 Sapere aude!  (Horace, Epistulae)

 hers, it's someone else's, sent to her.
This is a custom that I never realized had reached quite that level of mutual
cooperation. La donna č mobile, ma la moglie del marito č anche piů generosa.
Ciao,
Ron
USA

hers, it's someone else's, sent to her.
Indeed, but this one sadly lost the Knob Contest and I had to send him
back, poor thing. (Not that the faint armpit whiff has vanished
completely, though... I'd better leave that window open.)


Two days to go! That'll be quite a raucous party at Milan.
36 hours to go! I see Bolly flowing everywhere!
(What was that story about Pinocchio?) :o)
Ciao
Frank

How to Shower Like a Woman
Ehm...
isn't there anything on how to shower *with* a woman?
Ciao
Carpet-turkeying Frank

 isn't there anything on how to shower *with* a woman?
Yeah  - let her hog the warm water and sacrificially stand on the edge
of the water flow and freeze for love.  :-)))
cheers,
Loki
And a happy Raduno to all - how many Realmers can fit in a shower
cubical?
-- 

 notoriously unfair... :o)).
Ruscalla!
Cerca di essere onesto!
Il tuo dramma non č che tu non ti consideri particolarmente dotato: sono
gli altri che non ti considerano tale!
Ruscalla!
Qui non si tratta di Mother Nature: si tratta di Natura Matrigna!
Mumble... come si dice "natura matrigna" in inglese?
P.

 completely, though... I'd better leave that window open.)
ROTFWILAT!
(Rolling on the floor with Isabella laughing and trombing)

 ROTFWILAT!
If my attempts at humor ever become so lame, vulgar, and disrespectful, someone
give me a soul transplant.
Ciao,
Ron
USA

 wrote in message
99k5mf$1itcm$1...@ID-55125.news.dfncis.de...

How lame, vulgar and disrespectful of you, Ronald!

give me a soul transplant.
I think it will be hard to find a soul donor... but maybe you can
clone one :)
Ciao,		beatrice.
-- 
     Per rispondermi in email rimuovi .bea
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others. -John Andrew Holmes

give me a soul transplant.
Yeah, right, as if finding a compatible donor was easy...


Mumble... come si dice "natura matrigna" in inglese?
Azzardo: Stepmother Nature?


cubical?
Depends if it's before or after they've had lunch...


I think it will be hard to find a soul donor... 
...and now, Isabella, write 100 times on the blackboard: "I will read
the whole thread before shooting off a reply"...


Azzardo: Stepmother Nature?
Mica sarai una di quelle che traduce "buonanotte al secchio" con
"goodnight to the bucket"?
:-P
Ciao
Frank-KIHA

"goodnight to the bucket"?
If you go on insulting me like this, I will take barrack and puppets
and go!
:-P


:-P
Gee, you got such a straw tail!
:-PP
Frank-KIHA (by permission etc. etc.)

 Frank-KIHA (by permission etc. etc.)
Uh? I didn't give you any permission...
P.

 give me a soul transplant.
One of the most striking features of the Ron is its upgradeability.
The hot-swap capability allows the user to turn off the offending module,
pull it off the system and plug in a brand new module of your choice without
even turning the main power off.
Competing systems, on the other hand, can at most reach a state of
self-conscience where they realise that they'd better turn their own power
off, and stand by for maintenance.
Alas, this is not always the case.
saluti,
Peltio

Uh? I didn't give you any permission...
Mr. Bonardi, once and for all:
1. You don't even know what KIHA means, since that's the new title I
gained last Sunday at the Raduno.
2. The whole sentence goes: "Title granted by permission of HRH Sweet
Bambi"
3. As far as I'm concerned (and everyone else around here: watch out,
Bonardi!), only one of our beloved Queens has the privilege to grant
permission for anything.
4. At the Raduno, I even had to ask permission to go to the bathroom,
but that's a different story.
5. Don't you ever forget you're talking to a Knight of this wonderful
Realm. Knight, Mr. Bonardi, not Night! Can you tell the difference?
Take care, my bitter-sweet friend.


 permission for anything.
Uh oh.
Deep trouble ahead.
cheers,
Peltio
cautiously stepping aside.

Take care, my bitter-sweet friend.
Oh. Is this the end?


 Take care, my bitter-sweet friend.
Grunf! Ho appena provveduto a denunziarla presso il Locale Commissariato
di Zona!
Ruscalla! Ne vedremo delle belle, ne vedremo!
P.

 Oh. Is this the end?
Yes. This is the end. My only friend, the end.
bye bye
 sTeVe
a zonzo

 expression himself.
At any rate, wouldn't 40 be rather top-heavy? Wasn't it Dolly Parton
who had herself partially reduced again because she kept toppling
over, suffered from back pain, etc.? Small is beautiful!


 over, suffered from back pain, etc.? Small is beautiful!
That imagination has you reading subtext rather than . . .what is that thing
called? It's just above the subtext?. . . Anyway, I was only being descriptive
of a possible cultural reference, not expressing any personal preferences,
aesthetic or otherwise. I save such poetic enlargements for postings to
alt.topography.comparative.female.
Ciao,
Ron
USA
PS: Regarding "toppling over" I can only point again to that imagination, and
suggest that you lay off the cartoons for a while. Some of my best friends are .
. . oh, never mind.

 even turning the main power off.
Il modulo è mobile, ma la capacità per scambiare è anche più calda.
Ciao,
Ron
USA

 > >Uh? I didn't give you any permission...
Sir,
Permission was humbly sought and duly granted by our very own Frank Ruscalla
K.I.S.A( K.I.H.A). He has said so and as if it were necessary to give
confirmation to the word of a K.I.S.A (which one finds quite an offensive
notion in itself), one does so now.
Whilst we are most pleased to have you visiting the Realm, kindly remember
who's who and what's what. and refrain  from meddling in the affairs of
others.
With all good wishes,
--
I remain, as always, ecc., ecc.,
Bambi
dtb

 With all good wishes,
Ruscalla!
Sono rovinato: e tu, torbido mestatore, devi averne una qualche responsabilità.
Io ipotizzo una qualche tua carbonara attività atta (ovvero tesa) a gettare
discredito sulla mia trasparente e amichevole personalità.
Io, l'amico più caro e sincero che tu avevi, costretto sic et simpliciter ad
abbandonare questo gruppo!
Ruscalla!
Io mi ritiro in buon ordine!
Ruscalla!
Hai vinto una battaglia!
Ruscalla!
Ma rimane la guerra!
Troppo potenti sono i tuoi alleati: e io ammetto la sconfitta. Provai a gettare
discredito sulla tua fosca persona: fui ripagato con sonante moneta.
Parafrasando: andai per suonare e fui suonato!
Ruscalla. Me ne vado. Non mi cercare mai più: un dì ti ammirai, ora ti
disprezzo.
Signorina Bambi: mi inchino al suo valore.
P.

 Signorina Bambi: mi inchino al suo valore.
Dear Paolo,
Pray you, do not leave sir!
You altogether misunderstood our intent. We merely wished to point out that
K.I.S.A. Frank (K.I.H.A. by permission etc)
has found favour with he undersigned (and be not I mistaken, also another of
our Gracious Highnesses) and we are aghast to see his word doubted  so
shamelessly.
As for your goodself however, it cannot be denied that you have a way about
you, and we have hopes that you will transit among us here in the Realm so
long as it shall please you, under the proviso however that K.I.S.A Frank
not be baited too harshly. A little baiting would be quite in order, for
after all, some amusement is needed at Court. But please remain among us and
continue your most delightful banter. I can have no doubts that K.I.S.A
Frank also joins us  in our entreaty that you not bid us adieu just yet.
Hoping you will accept this invitation in the spirit with which it was
intended,


that you not bid us adieu just yet.
Paul!
Please do not leave us!
Come back!
Frank-KIHA (now by  definitive permission etc. etc.)