Newsgroup: it.cultura.linguistica.inglese
Titolo: Traduzione brano

Ho provato a cimentarmi nella traduzione di un 
breve brano e mi piacerebbe avere commenti a riguardo.
Prima c'e' la versione originale in italiano, poi quella
in inglese:
------------
L'altra notte ho fatto un incubo tremendo. Mi trovavo
nella stazione di una cittadina a me sconosciuta.
Ero appena scesa dal treno, quando fui avvicinata 
da due poliziotti che mi chiesero i documenti con
aria intimidatoria. Presa alla sprovvista, cominciai
a cercarli prima nella borsa, poi nelle tasche ed infine
nella valigia, da cui estraevo ogni indumento ed ogni 
oggetto, uno per uno, prima con calma, poi affannosamente
anche perche' mi stavo rendendo conto che quella non era
la mia valigia. Cominciai allora a farmi prendere dal
panico, a guardare in giro a destra e a sinistra per 
cercare una via di scampo ma la stazione era circondata
da un filo spinato ed a poco a poco mi apparve non piu'
come una stazione ma come un campo di concentramento.
Ed io non ero piu' una viaggiatrice qualsiasi ma una
deportata e quelli non erano poliziotti ma soldati. 
Presa dall'angoscia e dal panico mi svegliai di 
soprassalto e il cuore mi batteva cosi' forte che ci 
vollero alcuni minuti prima che mi rendessi conto che
era tutto un sogno.
(Anna Ortolani)
------------
I had a dreadful dream the other night.
I found myself in the station of an unfamiliar little town.
I had just got off the train, when I was approached by two 
policemen who asked for my documents with an intimidating air.
I was taken aback and I began looking for them, at first in my
hand-bag, then in my pockets and finally in my suitcase,
from which I extracted every garment and every object, one by
one, at first with calm, then breathlessly, also because I was
realising that that was not my suitcase. I then began to panic,
to look around in every direction to find a way out, but the
station was surrounded by barbed wire and, little by little, 
it didn't appear to me as a station any more but as a 
concentration camp. And I was not an ordinary traveller any more
but a deportee, and those were not policemen but soldiers.
Overwhelmed with anxiety and panic, I woke up with a start,
my heart pumping so strongly that it took me a few minutes
before I realised it was all a dream.
------------
Il problema nella mia versione, a parte eventuali errori grammaticali,
e' secondo me di stile. Ad esempio, la frase che comincia "I was taken 
aback..." mi sembra troppo lunga in inglese, ma non so come 
spezzarla. Inoltre, non metterei la mano sul fuoco sulla la
punteggiatura...
E' corretta la parte "...that that..." ? Si puo' evitare la ripetizione?
La parte "...to find a way out" mi suona male.
"it was all a dream" e' accettabile?
meglio "I had a dream" o "I made a dream"? 
"I began looking for them" o "I began to look for them"?
E' curioso notare che nella versione tradotta non si puo' capire
se chi parla e' uomo o donna...
grazie
Lorenzo
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The other (and lesser) false note to which I referred was 'and
, little by little , it didn't appear to me as a station any more but as a 
concentration camp' - not wrong this time , but it just sounds awkward in 
English  ; maybe just 'and , little by little , it seemed to be no longer a 
station but a concentration camp '
Finally , 'I then began' - I'd say 'Then I began' (or probably omit the 
'then') (on stylistic grounds only) .
I have to say that , if I'd read your translation casually in another 
context , probably only the 'also because' might have made me think that 
this wasn't written by an Englishman .
Mike

 this wasn't written by an Englishman .
Thanks.
Anyway, I must say that I didn't write it 'impromptu' but often consulting
the dictionary...
Anyway, here is the revised version... is it 100% fine now?
[ver. 2.0]
I had a dreadful dream the other night.
I found myself in the station of an unfamiliar little town.
I had just got off the train, when I was approached by two
policemen who asked for my documents with an intimidating air.
Taken aback, I began looking for them, at first in my
hand-bag, then in my pockets and finally in my suitcase,
from which I extracted every garment and every object, one by
one, at first with calm, then breathlessly, all the more so because
I was beginning to realise that the suitcase was not mine.
Then I began to panic, to look around in every direction to find
a way out, but the station was surrounded by barbed wire and,
little by little, it seemed to be no longer a station but a
concentration camp. And I was not an ordinary traveller any more
but a deportee, and the men were not policemen but soldiers.
Overwhelmed with anxiety and panic, I woke up with a start,
my heart pumping so strongly that it took me a few minutes
before I realised it was all a dream.
Lorenzo

 I had a dreadful dream the other night.
[...]
Ahem, I tried to read out this second version.
It can be found here: 
http://web.tiscali.it/Astro/Bad_Dream.mp3
Listening again to it, I can hear I mispronounced (probably among other
thing) "surrounded".
Could someone point out the passages where I sound particularly "weird"?
Thanks
Lorenzo


Fine !
Mike