Newsgroup: it.fan.culo
Titolo: The Blues

Yeah, you either got it, or you ain't got it. There are only a few
simple rules for the blues. Master those and you got it. Gettit?
Part #1: "The basics..."
1. Most Blues begin: "Woke up this morning" (not "As I stepped out one
fine morning in May..." or "Wack fol-der-diddle-oh,
fol-do-dithery-der-ee-oh").
2. A really baaaaaaad way to begin the Blues is "I got a good woman" -
unless you stick something nasty in the next line, e.g. "I got a good
woman with the meanest dog in town."
3. The Blues is simple though.  After you got the first couple of
lines right, repeat them. Or find something that rhymes... sort of.
Example: "Got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town. Got teeth
like Maggie Thatcher - and he weigh 500 pound."
4. Good places for the Blues:
-highway
-jailhouse
-empty bed.
Bad places:
-Croke Park
-gallery openings
-RTE Radio Centre canteen
-yacht in Kinsale
-golf course in Kerry.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down pick-up trucks.
Not Blues cars: Volvos, Landrovers, "Sport Utility Vehicles", a
Volkswagen Golf or "a '98 Polo 1.0 in mint condition, one previous
owner, lady driver". NB most Blues transportation is a Greyhound Bus
or a southbound train, not a DART carriage or "the Friday Love Bus To
Kiltimagh". Jet aircraft and anything by Peugeot or BMW ain't even in
the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So
does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet, they
still listening to Robbie Williams. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
adulthood is not defined as having an I.D. card for your local
off-licence. Adult is being old enough to get the electric chair if
you shoot a man in Memphis.
Lesson #2: "It's in E, A and B..."
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii, any
place in Canada or the Acorn Grove housing estate just outside Milton
Keynes. Hard times in St Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago,
St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain. And
Ireland don't count, even if you is Rory Gallagher.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with
male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cos you snowboarding in
Italy is not the Blues.
9. Breaking your leg cos a big fat alligator be chomping on it is.
10. You can't have no Blues in an office or a suburban shopping
centre. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the car park.
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, not unless
you happen to be an old black man, an' you slept in it.
12. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck
in a ditch, ain't no way out - ain't like they teach you in Macra
tractor driving class.
Lesson #3: "Including the "make yer own Blues name" starter kit"
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
-you're older than dirt
-you're blind
-you shot a man in Memphis
-you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
-you have all your teeth
-you were once blind but now can see
-the man in Memphis lived
-you have a pensions and retirement plan (but held onto those Eircom
shares).
14. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white
people also got a leg up on the Blues. Just look at Bono.
15. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline (for Irish
readers, that's Blues-speak for petrol), it's the Blues. Other
acceptable Blues beverages are:
-bad wine
-bad whiskey or bad bourbon
-muddy water
-black coffee.
But the following are NOT Blues beverages:
-mixed drinks
-a pint of stout
-anything involving Baileys
-a "skinny cappuchino" from the West Coast coffee shop
-sparkling mineral water
-a Club Orange and a bag of crisps.
16. If it occurs in a "cheap motel" or a "shotgun shack", it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover, now that's another
Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and
dying lonely on a broken down cot, and you deserve a good epitaph on
your Blues musician's tombstone (e.g.  "I didn't wake up this
morning"). But you can't have a Blues death if you die during a
tennis match at Wimbledon or during the RTE version of "Who Wants To
Be A Millionaire" or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d)
Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men: a) Joe; b) Big Joe; c)
Willie; d) Little Willie; e) Big Willie.
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia and Rainbow can't sing the
Blues. People called Sada, Grainne, Sorcha, Thecla and Padraig don't
stand no chance neither, no matter how many big fellows they shoot in
Memphis.
18. Finally, make yer own Blues name (starter kit): take the name of a
physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame etc), plus the name of a
fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi etc) or a Southern State in the US, e.g.
Georgia) plus the name of a US President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore etc). For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc.
And that's the end of all three lessons! Easy wasn't it - now you're
called Blind Lemon Meringue or something, and now you got the Blues!
But frankly we don't care how tragic your life is, because... you
have a computer. And you got full high-speed Internet access. So you
cannot sing the Blues.  You best destroy your PC - with fire, a
spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun and chop it down in
its prime. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. We don't care.
Throw that load of Pentium chips out the window. Then tell your
supervisor: "Cripple Kiwi Fillmore made me do it."
Isa
-- 
Secondo. Pensavo: ma il fatto che tra fanculer ci apprezziamo così
tanto, sarà mica anche perché non ci conosciamo abbastanza?
(Vecchio fancooler, dicembre 2000)

 Blues. People called Sada, Grainne, Sorcha, 
<non solo sogliole>
  ho abboccato?
</non solo sogliole> 
-- 
sapete contare fino a venticinque?
Olimpia Milano Jugoplastika Split Partizan Beograd
Roberto Premier Duska Ivanovic Zarko Paspalj

</non solo sogliole> 
Non era una lenza!


 simple rules for the blues. Master those and you got it. Gettit?
KIP and ROTFLMAO.  Dove l'hai trovato?  Come ho fatto a non incapparci
prima?
(peccato non menzioni "sittin' on the old rockin' chair")
Signed, Blind Thomas Jefferson Airplane
-- 
fB               "I regret that I have but one country to give for my life"
                                                              -- Phil Ochs

Lesson #3: "Including the "make yer own Blues name" starter kit"
LOL.
---
New Magic Flash
I love this fucking job. This job loves fucking me.
                -- Paul Tomblin in a.s.r.

Signed, Blind Thomas Jefferson Airplane
I don't think I got de blues but just in case, avevo pensato a 
Dumb Apple Bush


 Dumb Apple Bush
"Blind Thomas Jefferson Airplane" era il nome di un bluesman fittizio
inventato da Jorma Kaukonen, nome da cui derivò quello di un famoso gruppo.
Alcuni tentativi:
Smelly Durian Lincoln
Incontinent Plum Truman
Deaf Banana Nixon
Crazy Cucumber Carter
Elenco random di veri bluesmen (e un paio di blueswomen):
Blind Willy McTell
Scrapper Blackwell
Sleepy John Estes
Big Bill Broonzy
Memphis Minnie
Mississippi John Hurt
Six Cylinder Smith
Barbecue Bob
Stick McGhee
Blind Lemon Jefferson
Sonny Boy Williamson (che sono due)
John Lee Hooker
Little Willie John
Reverend Gary Davies
Willie Mae Big Mama Thornton


 c.

fB wrote:
Per favore, il reverendo Davies citato cosi' a casaccio, ma non
scherziamo! Morte, non avere pieta per lui su questa terra!
Carlo


 scherziamo! Morte, non avere pieta per lui su questa terra!
Davies è di epoca piú recente del resto della compagnia, ma gli altri
- per quanto citati a caso - non sono certo da meno: li ho tirati
fuori dagli elenchi dei migliori.


 c.

simple rules for the blues. Master those and you got it. Gettit?
Mentre ero qui che cazzeggiavo coi niusgruppi, giuro che non stavo
pensando al blues ne' ai post sul blues, mi son detto "ci vuole un po'
di musica"; ho scorso i titoli, non avevo voglia di ascoltare le
solite cose, cosi' ho scelto piu' o meno a caso un cd che avevo da un
po' ma che non avevo mai ascoltato; ho aperto winamp, opzione shuffle,
e venti secondi stevie ray ha esordito, testuale:
Woke up this morning I was all alone
Saw your picture by the telephone
Che fare? Inquietarsi riflettendo sulla potenza delle oscure e quindi
potenzialmente minacciose forze che governano l'universo e che di
tanto in tanto si manifestano in quelle che noi ingenuamente chiamiamo
coincidenze, oppure farsi una ghignata? 
Nel dubbio mi sono schiantato sulla tastiera dal ridere. 
Pero' magari piu' tardi, con calma, mi inquieto un po'.