Newsgroup: it.arti.cinema
Titolo: FWD da non so dove: un altro Titanic...

Many of you have seen the film 'Titanic,' which is about a great big
boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason
everyone is just now getting worked up about. Some of you -- I am
speaking to the women here -- have seen this movie several times. And
I would like to know why. Have the principles of film-making not been
adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance the movie
will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a
'Choose Your Own Adventure' movie?  Because it's not. No matter how
many times you see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people
are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on
the railing on the way down. 
 I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the
Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times
that long.  As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened
screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the
script for a shorter version of 'Titanic.' All I want in return is a
lot of money. 
 (Scene 1)
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you 
asked for. It is by an artist named 'Picasso.' I am certain he will
amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of
course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are 
very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
 'brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back  
again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be
soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here 
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though 
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat
you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be
physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the
audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely
one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the  water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
(Scene 2)
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot have 
sex together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no
doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they 
would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same
thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you will have to take off all your clothes.
KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
(Scene 3)
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: (silence)
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
(Scene 4)
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
KATE: Certainly.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me, I --
AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo!
WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here. 
(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-
somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you
to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with
water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been
mentioned previously.
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway--
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an
actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's   
pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and
who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music,
it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why,
when I was -- hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie!
I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in  the head
with this huge diamond!  Come back here!  (Fade to black;  roll
credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
[Puo' piacere come non piacere, maper amopre dell'informazione...
:-))]
Proudly brought to you by...
 
"You don't fuck Jesus"
                     (Jesus Quintana, The Big Lebowski)

 
.. bellina, ma preferisco lo stesso i mitici DISEGNI & CAVIGLIA .. :)
ciao
-- 
****************
Cine®
Fabio Zambarbieri
e-mail: 
za...@tin.it
UIN: 1066151
****************

.. bellina, ma preferisco lo stesso i mitici DISEGNI & CAVIGLIA .. :)
Per me questa era ovviamente piu' a portata di mano... :-)))


.. ti spedisco un po' di copie dell'ultima pagina degli ultimi ciak ..
;)
ciaoooo


                      (Jesus Quintana, The Big Lebowski)
ROTFL!!!
Matteo
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