Newsgroup: it.arti.cinema
Titolo: (OT) Da idlm...mi sono rotflato...

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say
the help desk employee was 
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization
for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialog of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" 
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's
because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have
is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- you won't be following an umbrella! -
ciaociao
mrwhite
U.I.N. 10210099
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
use the condom, remove it to reply.

L'avevo gia'.
Questa l'hai letta?
 
     Computers will never be completely "idiot proof" because idiots
     continue to be so resourceful. The following is an excerpt taken
     from a Wall Street Journal article:
 
     1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
     "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
     "Any" key is.
 
     2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
     hard to control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be
     the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
 
     3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
     that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
     (5.1/4") diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat
     failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had
     labeled the diskettes,then rolled them into the typewriter to type
     the labels.
 
     4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
     diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
     along with photocopies of the floppies.
 
     5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
     back in the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the tech
     hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
     crossing the room to close the door to his room.
 
     6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
     to fax anything.  After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
     technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by
     holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
     key.
 
     7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
     longer worked.  He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap
     and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
     keys and washing them individually.
 
     8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
     because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
     tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
     responses shouldn't be taken personally.
 
     9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
     He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
     printer".  The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
     face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the
     printer.
 
     10.  An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
     get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
     was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
     pushed the power button.  Her response,  "I pushed and pushed on
     this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out
     to be the computer's mouse.
 
     11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
     computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
     in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
     When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
     asked "What power switch?"
 
     12.  True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller:  "Hello, is
     this Tech Support?" Tech:    "Yes, it is. How may  I help you?"
     Caller:  "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within  my
     warranty period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm
     sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller:  "Yes, it's attached
     to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a
     bit stumped, it's  because I am. Did you receive this as part of a
     promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does
     it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I
     don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At
     this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
     stand it. He was laughing too hard.  The caller had been using the
     load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off
     in the drive.
 
     13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
     for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
     put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk.
     When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it
     in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to
     remove Disk 1 first.
 
     14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions
     for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk
     from its cover and insert it into the drive.  The user had
     physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there
     were problems. Say no more....

     in the drive.
Naaaaaaaa questa e' _davvero_ troppo!!!!!


 Naaaaaaaa questa e' _davvero_ troppo!!!!!
Visto che si celia, chiudo la trilogia con questo annuncio di virus:
WARNING, VIRUS ALERT... If you see a message in your email with a
subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it.
This is the most dangerous virus yet.  It will re-write your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to
your computer (up to 20 feet). It will recalibrate your refrigerator's
coolness setting  so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.  It will
demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM
access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace
fieldharmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your
ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.  It will program your phone
autodial to call only your mother's number.  It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It will mix antifreeze into
your fish tank.  It will drink all your beer.  It will hide your car
keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so
that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.  It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo
with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current
boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to
your Visa card.  It will seduce your grandmother.  It does not matter if
she is dead. Such is the power of "Badtimes" that it reaches out beyond
the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. It will rewrite your
back-up files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and
incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the
interpretation of key sentences. "Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm
disease.  It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer
plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.  It will wantonly remove
the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows,and refill your skim
milk with whole. "Badtimes" is an evil virus conceived by evil people.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few
signs.  Be very, very afraid!  PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE
YOU KNOW!!! >>

U.I.N. 10210099
Inutile Thread Memories
--
Ciao, D&M 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/1739/
NAIMA is on-line
#2 Fan of Rat-Man (fletto i muscoli e sono nel vuoto)

Visto che si celia, chiudo la trilogia con questo annuncio di virus:
Quadrilogia: queste due sono un po' vecchiotte ma efficaci (per chi ha
vissuto certe esparienze sono davvero belle) in piu' la seconda e' quasi In
Topic visto che si parla di Hal 9000 ^_^
WHY WE SHOULD ALL BUY PC's -
Here's a list of excellent reasons...
Because 8-character filenames are *FUN* for the whole family!  Round up the
wife and kids, and have a game of "Guess the Filename".  Countless hours of
deciphering  cplx  abrvtd  flnms  <complex appreviated filenames> await you
with   the   purchase   of   your   new   PC!    Its  just  like  Wheel  Of
Fortune--America's favorite game show, now in your own home!
Windows  3.11!!!   -REAL-  operating  systems  demand FAR too much of their
users.   Using  a  dressed-up  program  launcher which lacks the ability to
store  applications  in  subdirectories  alleviates the user from having to
remember  where  he  or she stored those pesky, overhyped, nonstandardized,
overgrown,  RAM  hungry, sluggish applications you'll come to know and love
with your new PC.
100  %  Multitasking-Free!   The  PC  makes  such  an excellent choice over
so-called  "superior"  platforms  such  as  the  Amiga because the PC won't
confuse  you,  the user, with the difficulties involved in keeping track of
several  things  at the same time!  TAKE YOUR TIME!  You only have to worry
about  doing  -just one- thing at the time on your PC!  Infact, hundreds of
programmers  at  Microsoft  are  busy  working  on  new, innovative ways to
prevent  your  PC  from  being  forced  to  "multy-task"  in the future, by
cleverly  disguising  their  efforts  to protect your comfort with "General
Protection  Faults"  and system lock-ups!  Their newest product, Windows95,
will  even SLOW DOWN your entire system to allow you more time to think and
cope if you try and make your PC multy-task!  What a plus!
Configurability--Let's  face  it.  There are a few things more enjoyable in
this  world than sitting down with your trusty PC and having the priviledge
of  changing the wide variety of IRQ settings, jumpers, CMOS settings, .BAT
files,  hex  addresses,  COM  port assignments, and memory regions that are
available  to  you  as a PC user.  Don't let any of those pesky Amiga users
tell  you  its  not  fun!!!   Just  imagine  all  the enjoyment you'll have
spending  quality time with your machine, and growing emotionally closer to
your  motherboard  :)  You  will  begin  to  care for your PC just like the
indigent,  senile, bed-ridden vegetable of a grandmother you never had as a
kid!   But  wait,  THERE'S MORE!  The fun doesn't end there!  Luckilly, the
"standards"  in  the  PC  world are changed changed radically about every 8
months,  so  you  will  have  ENDLESS  *fun* trading configuration tips and
tricks  with  your  friends.   Not  since  the ALTAIR 8008 has there been a
computer  with  such  a  variety  of interface, memory, sound, and graphics
standards!!
Graphics Power!  Today's PC are actually capable of SCROLLING!!!!  Yes, you
heard  me,  and  entire  graphics screen image can be smoothly moved up and
down!!!   Hold  on  to  your  hats--that's  not all!!!  Today's PC can even
scroll  graphics  HORIZONTALLY!   Let  your imagination take you to the new
horizons  with  the  incredible new graphics capability.  You'll finally be
able to tell all those Apple II and C64 users who the real boss of 1996 is!
Imagine  the  thrill of discovering that software you previously own can be
easily  (with  only  about  2  hours  of work) reconfigured to use the $400
graphics card needed to do smooth scrolling!
Sound Power!  You'll be reminded of gentle summers around the campfire once
you  hear  the  authentic  pop  and crackle of a typical PC's sound system.
You'll swear you were hearing the bell's of St.  Mary's when you experience
the  1-bit  INTERNAL  SPEAKER  wich  comes  standard  in every PC.  Yep, no
expensive  add-on's  needed  this  time!  you'll also enjoy the pleasure of
reconfiguring  EVERY piece of software you own to use a seperate sound card
in  the  future!   The  wide  variety  of  poppy  and  scratchy sound cards
available  for the PC will push the envelope of sound performance available
on any personal computer!
Many  different  program  interfaces to learn and enjoy!  It can be awfully
boring  for  so  called "superior" platform users like Amiga fanatics to be
forced  to  use the SAME way of loading and saving files, running programs,
and  selecting  options.   With  the  PC  each  application  you  use has a
different  and *FUN* way of accessing options, and files!  Each application
has  its  own distinct look, feel, and personality!  You'll become attached
to  your  new-found  friends as you spend even more quality time getting to
know    them!     Now    you    can    be   the   "individualist"   running
the--truly--"creative"  computer!  Forget about those Amiga guys!  Buy a PC
today!
4/2/97 dke
HAL Marketing Problems
A problem in the making...
"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
<Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.>
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."
"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat..."
"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."
"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems.That is what I was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
<Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.>
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."
"Dave, I think we shou . . ."
"Open the module bay doors, HAL."
<Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.>
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . ."
<The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.>
"Say something, HAL."
Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
"Volume in C: has no label"
Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets."
3/23/97 dke
Inutile Thread Humor
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Ma non ricordi? L' avevo raccontata a Sam qualche tempo fa...distratto! ^_^
Seeee...secondo te posso ricordarmi di qualcosa che viene da questo
NG??
Ma lo sai quanti post ci sono, ogni giorno? ^__^
E poi c'e' una nuova sindrome psicologica, teorizzata di recente, che
consiste nell'affidare alcuni compiti del cervello (vedi memoria) agli
HD e ai database...


mrwhite
Inutile Thread E se ti si corrompe il file di swap?
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Inutile Thread E se ti si corrompe il file di swap?
AAAAAHHHHHHH...


mrwhite
Inutile Thread 98
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