Newsgroup: it.fan.studio-vit
Titolo: Six Months of War on Terror...

Terror's march backwards
An Absolute Atrocity Special by Armando Iannucci and Chris Morris
Sunday March 17, 2002
The Observer
September
9/11: The attacks change forever the British convention for placing the day
before the month in dates.
12th: Washington informs Tony Blair of attack on US.
13th: The immediate aftermath of the attacks generates fear and paranoia
across America. Angry shoppers beat up a woman who's put a towel on her head
to dry her hair, while people whose faces look like aeroplanes are subject
to 24-hour curfew. Citizens for whom this is 'a bad time' include Tiara
Ryzst, Tray Njinkampps, Mo Jardine, Moss Lamb, the Twain-Towers family, and
Will and Tray d'Senta.
14th: Airlines report no one willing to fly. Bush insists this is a sign of
defiance and commissions Hollywood to make films in which being scared to go
on an aeroplane is an act of bravery. Filming immediately commences on an
Arnold Schwarzenegger movie called Absolute Refusal about a businessman who
cannot face boarding a plane but heroically makes a meeting in Cairo by
crossing the Atlantic on a pedalo.
16th: Speculation about US retaliation grows. Expert opinion is divided over
whether the 'medievalist' regime of Afghanistan should be bombed back to the
Stone Age or forward into the twenty-first century. The prevailing Hawk
argument runs: 'There's a big stone at the back of the Stone Age and we'll
bomb them so hard back into that, they'll bounce all the way forward to
2002.'
19th: The pop singer Michael Jackson is refused permission to lie down and
sing songs from his new album into the World Trade Centre rubble.
21st: Tony Blair declares that Britain must share in America's pain as
Education Secretary Estelle Morris announces plans for children to drop
French and instead spend two hours a day chewing gum. And as a mark of
respect, all future Prom concerts will feature orchestras using baseball
bats instead of bows.
26th: Bush cheers American nation by launching Operation Death Unto Allah. C
oncern from coalition partners that this might constitute some sort of
gaffe.
27th: There are delays in sending American special forces to Afghanistan
when the entire air force refuse to fly in a plane.
30th: Twelve days after the collapse of the World Trade Centre, amazed
rescue workers uncover an entire office floor that is still doing business.
Despite falling 890 feet and being buried under 12,000 tons of rubble, all
workers at Leeman Sachs Trading Inc are unharmed. They have remained at
their desks since the bank's Tokyo HQ saw television pictures of the burning
towers, called them up and ordered them to keep working. 'We were still
sitting at our desks when we landed in the rubble,' said one dealer. 'I
actually completed three transactions on the way down.' In fact trading at
the buried floor has been so good since 11 September, the bank may sue the
New York Fire Dept for digging them out.
October
3rd: While donations pour into New York, a suppressed report reveals that a
huge benefit concert held last month for victims of the Pentagon attack
raised just $21. The show, featuring REM, Bon Jovi, Beck and the Rolling
Stones, took place in a purpose-built, 50,000-seat arena on the Pentagon
lawn but despite saturation advertising only attracted 74 fans. Sources say
that the Pentagon attack, already notorious as 'a TV dud', is now badly in
need of a relaunch.
4th: The US public is still so sensitive to images of New York that Woody
Allen is forced to remake Manhattan shot for shot but with all views of the
city taken out. Furious that the new version, Quebec, will lack resonance,
the director comforts himself by giving the part of Diane Keaton to eight
17-year-old girls.
6th: American Airlines launches a controversial emergency campaign to
persuade Americans to fly again. Posters put up in every major American city
show a fearful businessman reading a newspaper over the words 'Get the hell
out while you can! Australia from $120.'
7th: Bush announces the start of Operation Bomb Islamics. He tells the US
that coalition members agree this title is not offensive to 'good Muslims'.
This is confirmed in a hastily written episode of The West Wing in which a
good Muslim is played by Jeff Goldblum.
8th: World shown new US weaponry including the XMB0181 foaming missile
designed to flush out enemy hiding in caves. The device, known as the
'Condeleezza Cappuccino', is designed to deliver a sarcastic sprinkling of
cocoa powder on the routed enemy.
9th: US bombs hit a Red Cross emergency centre on the outskirts of Kabul,
but the Pentagon refuses to apologise, blaming the Red Cross logo for
'looking like the crosshairs on a viewfinder'. Spokesman Paul Wolfowitz
says: 'I'd ask this clearly self-loathing organisation to change its
suicidal insignia before they kill us all.' The Red Cross complies
immediately and changes its logo to a blue baseball hat.
16th: Less than two weeks into the bombing campaign, the US admits its new
range of smart weapons may be too intelligent. Sources say the $7m
Supersophic missiles have a range of only 50 metres because less than a
second after launch the onboard computer has worked out that violence only
leads to more violence and that all war is futile. Realising there's no
point any more, the weapon either deliberately crashes itself into a
beautiful woman or flies back home to America to spend the rest of its days
buzzing round a farm. The Pentagon orders that, from now on, missiles must
be 'no more intelligent than a steelworker'.
18th: Rising concern over humanitarian crisis in Afganistan. Henry Belt,
renowned as the most mordant scurgist in Fleet Street, produces a cartoon
which is said to have made Alistair Campbell 'weep like a bereaved child'.
19th: Blair announces support for the US intention to bomb during Ramadan
but confirms that out of respect for Islam, all food parcels dropped during
this period will be empty.
20th: The Pentagon denies reports of civilian casualties and adds that even
if there were some, they couldn't be shown in case they 'died in shapes that
could be code'.
24th: Bush announces: 'It may take another 98 years to find bin Laden unless
we've got him already.' In a TV address, standing next to a large veiled
object, the President continues: 'For security reasons I cannot reveal
whether this titanium steel canister does or does not contain the terror
atrocity, Mr bin Laden. But I give the American people my word: bin Laden
has definitely been or will be captured. I have ordered that this box be
placed, with its contents either full or empty, at the foot of the Lincoln
memorial, and opened in 2099. In the meantime, I would ask you to remember
that any future video statements by Mr bin Laden could well have been
recorded before we put him in this containment. Unless he isn't in there.'
26th: Anthrax scare in Britain - BBC advises staff
TO: ALL USERS SUBJECT: SECURITY
This email is being issued to all staff.
Be alert about your handling your mail, particularly if it:
· is mailed from a foreign country
· has protruding wires
· is lopsided or uneven
· has a strange odour
· has discolourations, oily stains or crystallisation on the wrapper · is
unexpected
· appears to contain powder or other unusual contents
· is covered in bin Laden's piss or something that smells like it
· has a couple of miniature AK47's sticking out of it and the muffled sound
of jibbering muslim midgets
· the envelope keeps spinning and pointing to Mecca when you put it on a
table · the envelope bears a stamp advising you not to read the letter so
much as lick it all over and eat it
· the letter inside claims that the white matter in the envelope is 'the
first instalment of some free salt you've won' or 'some sugar for your
morning coffee'.
NB: If you are unsure about your regular postal consignment of cocaine (or
speed if you are black and a cleaner) the BBC will for a limited period
only, check the powder for anthrobacillus. We regret we cannot be legally
responsible for any errors in this analysis and staff will be required to
sign a waiver. In the event of a long queue for this service, priority will
be given to those whose drugs are supplied by Cocaine Direct or similar who
ensure the coca harvesters are part of a profit sharing initiative based on
end user purchase receipts.
November
3rd: US on maximum alert as the FBI announces 'credible' intelligence
suggesting al-Qaeda are planning to trample thousands of Americans to death
under rampaging hippos. Bureau chiefs believe a build-up of four million
mother hippos could be hidden north of the Canadian border and say a mother
hippopotamus will charge at anything that comes between it and its calf. The
alert follows the recent discovery of a baby hippo in a White House
cupboard. Meanwhile, seven young hippos are said to have walked into a
Chicago department store yesterday while an eighth was mysteriously
presented as a gift to the actor Ben Affleck. Hardware shops in most states
report they've now run out of anti-hippo suits.
7th: Described as 'ill-conceived', a Broadway production in which New York
firemen perform "The Vagina Monologues" closes after just three days.
12th: New figures reveal that the number of people who perished in the
attacks on 11 September may be as low as three. Counsellors are on standby
to help New Yorkers deal with the trauma of being more upset than they
needed to be. Pressure mounts on Mayor Giuliani - already criticised for his
insistence that Ground Zero be kept shrouded in smoke - after the dust
cleared briefly last week to reveal that the South Tower was still standing.
Psychologists say original estimates of 6,000 were probably much larger due
to 'all kinds of ****'.
18th: US confidently announces the 'further complete death' of Osama bin
Laden. Defence chiefs credit the new Fairhunter talking missile which pays
local Afghan shepherds to report the location of enemy forces. If leads turn
out to be false, Fairhunter returns to the shepherd and blows him up.
21st Success of 9/11 attacks giving al-Qaeda acute 'second album'
difficulty. FBI sources say the poor quality of follow-up activities reveals
al-Qaeda's dreadful fear that they will never top the impact of the 11
September atrocities. In a recent attack described as 'a shoddy and lame
retread', one man attempted to crash 100,000 paper darts into Chicago's
Sears Tower. He was arrested without a struggle after throwing just seven
darts through the fire escape window of a nearby office block. Similar plots
in Washington and Los Angeles were also foiled although a visiting Egyptian
did successfully hurl a lobster at Jimmy Connors.
23rd: Western capitals are disrupted by a wave of hoaxers claiming to have
sent anthrax through the post. The police report particular difficulties
with people claiming to be hoaxers who turn out not to be hoaxers at all.
Says an angry NYPD spokesman: 'False hoaxers are blocking the lines so the
real hoaxers can't get through... How can we catch genuine hoaxers if false
hoaxers prevent them from making their hoax in the first place?'
December
1st: An email print-out dated 10 September and signed by Jo Moore is
discovered in a house in Kandahar. It reads: 'Need to bury story about local
councillors' expenses... Fly two airliners into World Trade Centre?'
2nd: Media sources suggest the number of Afghan civilians killed in US
bombing raids is 1,800. The Pentagon protests that, with the correct
counting methods, the figure is actually 29. Defence Secretary Donald
Rumsfeld says: 'If you just find a head, that's not a whole person. To
increase the death toll by one, you're talking seven or eight heads at
least.' Experts on US network Fox news explain that Islamic numbers are
smaller than they look and agree that 'in their tradition, 120 usually means
five'.
4th: Defence Department announces that a bearded US missile has been
captured and imprisoned near the Afghan city of Mazar-e-Sharif. The missile,
which disappeared last March, told CIA interrogators it wanted to 'blow up
women and gays and kites'.
5th: Bin Laden seen 'dead on a dead horse on top of a dead hill that had
been absolutely blown up with bombs', confirms Afghan villager pleased to
see he has given the right answer.
6th: Sheaves of terrorist plans found in Kabul reveal that al-Qaeda
terrorists were behind a string of atrocities including the Heisel stadium
disaster in 1986. A ballpoint pen drawing of a squashed football with a
brick on top of it shows how the Muslim extremists planned every detail of
the horrifying crush of spectators - believed at the time to be the work of
hooligans. The documents are just part of a huge cache of terror tools shown
to blindfolded Western reporters. One describes how he also 'felt a system
of levers which control all major volcanoes and tectonic faultlines on
earth'. A White House spokesman said: 'We have no reason to doubt that these
apocalyptic savages conceived their children to recordings of passengers
screaming in the Lockerbie air crash.' The discoveries come just days after
looters offered a Wall St Journal reporter 'a tidal wave in a suitcase' big
enough to destroy the entire US eastern seaboard.
9th: An outcry in Harpenden when a branch of the al-Qaeda network opens a
shop in the town's high street. The store sells dirty nuclear devices and
videos of clerics demonstrating how to make soup out of women. Home
Secretary David Blunkett confesses: 'Our draconian anti-terrorism
legislation doesn't cover actual shops.'
22nd: Man arrested with network of caves in shoe. Taken to the Nevada desert
and told to stand still while his shoes are attacked with thermobaric bombs.
23rd: US strategists now admit bin Laden is still at large claiming he is
'probably a lot smaller than we thought... and may be only six inches tall'.
29th: Shock scientific survey proves that America really did have it coming.
The results of a new study show that at the time of the 11 September
attacks, America was unequivocally asking for it. American researchers at
the highly respected Massachusetts Institute of Technology who collated the
DNA profiles, conversational attitudes and facial disposition of more than
8,000 Americans are said to be 'devastated' by the results. Test supervisor
Bill Porman said: 'I'm sorry to say but spend any time with these people and
you start to think, sure, I'd do it, they're absolutely fucking
insufferable.' Security Chief John Ashcroft is said to be demanding that,
from now on, objective scientific research be classified as an act of
terrorism.
January
3rd: There are calls for immediate review of UK airport security after two
journalists from the Daily Mail board a British Airways 737 jet at
Manchester airport with two knives and a fork concealed in their hand
luggage. The reporters force their way into the cockpit, overpower the
pilot, take control of the plane, and crash it into a tall building, killing
over 2,000 people and injuring hundreds more. An incandescent editorial by
Mail editor Paul Dacre describes airport security standards as 'inexcusably
laxative'. This latest exposure recalls events last September, when Mohamed
Atta of the Daily Express, along with a colleague from the Evening Standard,
crashed two jets into the World Trade Centre in New York, greatly
embarrassing security officers in the US.
4th: A chaotic war of recrimination breaks out between the CIA and MI5 when
it is disclosed that Osama bin Laden attended a waxwork sitting at London's
Madame Tussaud's on 1 September. A Tussaud's spokesman says: 'He was
extremely polite and bought all the ladies tea. We just assumed someone
would pop in and arrest him when we'd finished.' It is believed that bin
Laden returned for follow-up sittings on 4 December and shortly after
Christmas.
17th: State of the Nation address: Bush declares that countries with which
America has 'unfinished business' constitute a 'spindle of atrocity'. These
include Libya, Vietnam, Japan, Colin Powell, Germany and the northern
anti-slavery states of the US.
24th: There is worldwide outrage that prisoners detained at Guantanamo Bay
in Cuba are regularly being dropped out of aircraft over 5,000 feet above
the ground. Tony Blair is later reassured by Donald Rumsfeld's guarantee
that jettisoned British prisoners will be allowed to fight over a parachute.
Downing Street remains tight-lipped over the restriction of parachute
diameter to two inches but sources say Geoff Hoon is persuaded that larger
chutes would allow prisoners to strangle themselves. The US practice of
nailing detainees to their seats during transportation from Afghanistan is
justified as a precaution 'against them building a terrorist training camp
in the aircraft toilet' although they are criticised for classifying
prisoners as 'hazardous invertebrate vermin', a term not recognised under
the Geneva Convention. The Red Cross will monitor conditions at Camp X-ray
for three months and then publish a report 'under no circumstances
whatsoever'.
February
9th: WTC legal fall-out. A New York banker whose car was hit by a man
jumping out of the burning north tower is suing the dead man's estate
because he failed to curl up into a neat ball to minimise the damage. The
city of New York is to sue firms occupying the upper 38 storeys of both
towers because as they crashed earthwards, they added hugely to the numbers
of people on the lower floors, thus 'momentarily breaking fire regulations'.
20th: US is criticised over 'manipulative' Olympics opening ceremony in
which the entire American team form a human twin towers which is then
smashed into by a flying snowboarder dressed as an Arab and carrying the
ribcage of a genuine New York fireman. As chained al-Qaeda suspects sing
'God Bless America' at gunpoint, 100,000 doves with weights tied to their
ankles are released to recreate an engulfing mass of white dust and the
crowd tearfully applaud for five hours.
24th: Hosting the film Baftas, Stephen Fry delivers an unspeakably trite and
fucked-up heap of **** urging film makers to 'keep telling stories' in the
face of world events - as if films make any fucking difference to anything,
least of all the advancement of peace, as if in fact they don't more often
promote, through piss like Black Hawk Down, the very surfeit of
self-regarding superiority that makes the American West so unpopular in the
first place. Naturally the audience of actors and industry luvvies
spontaneously applaud like the blinkered, solipsistic, self-congratulating
cunts they are.
March
2nd: The World Trade Centre owners announce plans to rebuild the skyscrapers
on exactly the same floorplan as before - but due to the disputed insurance
settlement, the towers will only be three storeys high.
24th: As as tribute to America's pain, President Bush commissions a new book
of the Bible, called The Acts of the Folks. The book comes after Revelations
and describes how Manhattan street vendors gained the kingdom of heaven by
giving firemen free doughnuts. The new scripture also praises the 'ordinary
folks' who turned their babies into flags, made bonfires of beards or stood
on hills and stared angrily eastwards. Speaking at an Easter ceremony in
Wisconsin in which a shaved rabbit is nailed upside down to a cross, the
President said: 'Every Christian on earth will agree this book improves the
Bible. Amen.'

 ha scritto nel messaggio
news:a8c7lh$440$1...@newsreader.mailgate.org...
[CUT]
Troppo lungo, lo leggerò quando avrò tempo e voglia. Ho letto solo la fine,
è posso intuire i toni del discorso.
--
~ xAm ~
"If I seem superhuman I have been misunderstood"
-------------
Sto ascoltando: Rocco Tanica - barbiere di siviglia
-------------
According to the Red Book of Westmarch,
In Middle-earth, Massimo Malabotta was a Inbred Snaga
Elven Name: Minyalygion
Hobbit Name: Isengrim Goodbody from Scary
Dwarven Name: Narin Talonfoot
Orkish Name: Morbad the Squasher
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Nome usato in Girsa: Isemboldo Belladonna