Newsgroup: it.fan.starwars
Titolo: PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

(fun email I got)
STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP
LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the
federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree.  This one planet and how it trades with other
planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the
entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
EVIL ALIEN
Werr.  What wirr we do now?  My evil, obviousry Asian race
must prevair.  I wirr not face de Jedi.  Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI
A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking
the Jedi.  The Jedi use the high concentration of
midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the
CGI.  They run outside.
EXT. NABOO
They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really
staring at him) I am a Jedi.  There are bad things coming.
Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR
I see.  That is quite interesting.  I  will guide you to the
land from which I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't
selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh!  Meesa sorry!  Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to
Jamaica mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good.  Do you have
a hotel room for me and Liam?  We have..uh..Jedi business to
attend to.
JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE
Die.  Die, Jar Jar.  Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK
The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be
better in technology than the kinds of things in the original
trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell
the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time.  The voice
changes don't help you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me!  Droids, capture the queen.. or
Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!
LIAM and EWAN and, fuck, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and
other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape.  They
go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD
Hi there!  Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD
I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone
you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I
need and free you.
JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind.  Good luck.
They pod race.  It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety) Oh! Look!  There's a video game of this
scene... uh.. buy it!  Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my
grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be
turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in
episode 2.
JAKE wins!  He has to leave his mother, which will become
very important in the next movie.  He also has to leave his
protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO?  Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the
original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up.  Speaking of stuff I'm just making
up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of
my ass?
They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.
YODA
Nope.  Sorry.  Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems.
Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one.  He will bring balance to the
force.  I'm training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthafucka.  What the fuck is wrong with
you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin'
bad ass in the next two fuckin' movies, you know.  My toy has
a fuckin' lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So
there.
He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T!  This does not make the film
HYPER-CUTESY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your
cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need
to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can
capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy?  The climax of this film revolves entirely around us
capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make
this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that this entire film
revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one,
pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever.  Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence.
Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a
red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has
horns.  He is EVIL.
Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant
guy and we really don't care.
Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we
really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.
Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the
space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives.
We care a little bit.
INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS
MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which
has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is
thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle
in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles
going on at the time.  Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell) Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising,
especially to those of us who bought the film score which has
a song whose title gives away the ending.  He then kicks EWAN
into a shaft.  EWAN grabs onto something on the side and
holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is
little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump
up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the
saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an
idiot and does nothing at all.  He dies.
EXT. SPACe
JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa!  I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee!  Uh
oh!  Man, I'm so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship
is kept.  He accidentally blows it to SHIT.
JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh!  I better leave!  Let's leave, Artoo!
They exit quickly.  The ship explodes, which stops all the
droids and just makes everything great, because it's always
enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a
slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO
The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive.  A huge party
ensues.
AUDIENCE
Wow!  Watching this party and all this celebration has
convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been
taken care of is actually really significant!  Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless
celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually
happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated
everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem
has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been
created.
GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers.  I'd make them come out sooner, but I
work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker
due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism.  Now go buy
some Star Wars toys!
END
            This piece of Star Wars Humor brought
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