A hookah comprising: a hookah bottle having a solid sidewall defining a bottle interior and a bottle neck ; a hookah stem releasably affixable to said hookah bottle , said stem comprising: a primary stem, positioned above said bottle neck , adapted to hold a hookah burner and having: a central, substantially-vertical dry smoke conduit bounded by a dry smoke inlet and a lower dry smoke outlet formed by a transverse stem wall ; and a wet smoke conduit bounded by a wet smoke inlet and a peripheral wet smoke outlet above said bottle neck ; a down tube , affixed to said dry smoke outlet and further defining said dry smoke conduit , terminating in a lower dry smoke release aperture and forming a peripheral wet smoke intake , dimensioned to extend into said hookah bottle to a penetration depth at least half of a bottle height; characterised in that the hookah further comprises a pressure-actuated check valve , exteriorly affixed to said down tube and co-planar to said bottle , so that a horizontal line that intersects the check valve would necessarily intersect the hookah bottle 102, and in gaseous communication with said dry smoke conduit of said down tube , with a wet smoke entry exposed to said bottle interior and adapted to selectively impede, during neutral and negative bottle pressure events, and allow, during positive bottle pressure events, gaseous communication from said wet smoke entry to said wet smoke intake , said check valve including a manually-removable valve aperture granting interior access to said check valve ; and a hose fitting, affixed to said wet smoke outlet , for the releasable affixation of a hookah hose to said hookah stem . a hookah bottle having a solid sidewall defining a bottle interior and a bottle neck ; a hookah stem releasably affixable to said hookah bottle , said stem comprising: a primary stem, positioned above said bottle neck , adapted to hold a hookah burner and having: a central, substantially-vertical dry smoke conduit bounded by a dry smoke inlet and a lower dry smoke outlet formed by a transverse stem wall ; and a wet smoke conduit bounded by a wet smoke inlet and a peripheral wet smoke outlet above said bottle neck ; a down tube , affixed to said dry smoke outlet and further defining said dry smoke conduit , terminating in a lower dry smoke release aperture and forming a peripheral wet smoke intake , dimensioned to extend into said hookah bottle to a penetration depth at least half of a bottle height; a primary stem, positioned above said bottle neck , adapted to hold a hookah burner and having: a central, substantially-vertical dry smoke conduit bounded by a dry smoke inlet and a lower dry smoke outlet formed by a transverse stem wall ; and a wet smoke conduit bounded by a wet smoke inlet and a peripheral wet smoke outlet above said bottle neck ; a down tube , affixed to said dry smoke outlet and further defining said dry smoke conduit , terminating in a lower dry smoke release aperture and forming a peripheral wet smoke intake , dimensioned to extend into said hookah bottle to a penetration depth at least half of a bottle height; characterised in that the hookah further comprises a pressure-actuated check valve , exteriorly affixed to said down tube and co-planar to said bottle , so that a horizontal line that intersects the check valve would necessarily intersect the hookah bottle 102, and in gaseous communication with said dry smoke conduit of said down tube , with a wet smoke entry exposed to said bottle interior and adapted to selectively impede, during neutral and negative bottle pressure events, and allow, during positive bottle pressure events, gaseous communication from said wet smoke entry to said wet smoke intake , said check valve including a manually-removable valve aperture granting interior access to said check valve ; and a hose fitting, affixed to said wet smoke outlet , for the releasable affixation of a hookah hose to said hookah stem . <EOS>