"My friend, listen to me. Really listen and actually think about the words. Okay? That, what you are describing, is what happens to witnesses, but you are not a witness because you were never here. The hotel has no record of your stay, the airline says you never showed up for your flight. INS has no listing for your entry into the U.S. In fact it’s a matter of public record that you never left Madrid. You got a little drunk and blew two hundred and twenty grand gambling and partying. I’m told you had a great time. There’s a few paparazzi photos of you getting friendly with some footballer’s ex-wife. There’s even a sex tape, if you want to go that road. There’s a date stamp on the footage, a copy of El País on the bedside, and a little bit of light relief where some French tourists walk in on you. They filed a complaint with the manager of the casino. You’ll find the whole thing in your carry-on. The lady wants a rematch, by the way, so don’t be surprised."