He knew vaguely that he did not want the nurse to die at that moment, even though it was certainly its right and possibly its obligation to do so.  The abrupt change from the rapport of the Water ritual to a situation in which a newly won water brother might possibly be considering withdrawal or discorporation would have thrown him into panic had he not been consciously suppressing such disturbance.  But he decided that if Jill died now he must die at once also - he could not grok it in any other wise, not after the giving of water.