'She's like any other lass, you must get to know her, and then what might seem inconstant is clearly revealed as a kind of consistency – faithfulness even. And so the first thing you must know about our darling girl is that her bore tends up and to larboard of her centerline. And she's a tight one, is our virginal Wendy, which is why we on the dub-dub crew must keep a sharp eye for undersized balls and husband 'em carefully . . .'