質問: 自由英作文の添削をお願いします。 題名:高校が高校生のアルバイトを禁止することに賛成ですか。反対ですか。 i disaree with the idea that high schools prohibit high school students from doing part time job for two reasons. firstly, high school students should get used to work. it is because some new employees tend to quit their jobs quickly that their jobs are not what they expected firstly. solving this problem high school should admit the students to do part time job to make them understood what the work is. secondly, we should make the students require the way of making better use of their time through part time jobs. it is because they don't know that and waste their times.they should strike a balance between their part time jobs and their studies.it enables the students to get the way of better use of the time naturally. with these reasons i mentioned above, i disagree with the idea that high schools prohibit high school students from doing part time job. 訳:私は高校が高校生にアルバイトを禁止することに以下の二つの理由から反対です。 一つ目は、高校生は仕事になれるべきであるからである。なぜなら、いくらかの新卒採用の社員が、自分が当初思っていたものと違っていたという理由ですぐに仕事を辞めているからである。なので高校は高校生に仕事とは何かをわからせるために彼らがアルバイトをすることをみとめるべきだ。 二つ目は生徒達にアルバイトをすることを通して時間の有効活用の方法を習得させるためである。 なぜなら彼らはその方法を知らずに、時間を無駄にしているからである。彼らはアルバイトと勉強の両立させるべきだ。それらの両立は生徒達に時間の有効活用の方法を自然と習得させることにつながる。 以上の理由から、私は高校が高校生にアルバイトを禁止するというアイディアに反対します。
回答: i disaree with the idea that high schools prohibit [high school->their] students from doing part time job for two reasons. firstly, high school students should [get used to work -> learn about work]. (次の文は、事実が書いてあるだけで理由になっていないのでbecauseはおかしいです)[it is because some new employees tend to quit their jobs quickly that their jobs are not what they expected firstly.-> today, we are seeing concerning trend that young workers newly employed tend to quit the jobs due to gaps between the jobs and what the workers expected to them at the beginning.] [solving this problem -> to solve the problem, ] high school[s] should admit the[their] students to do part time job[s] to make them understood what [the work is -> works are]. secondly, [we should make the students require the way of making better use of their time through part time jobs. -> we, as teachers, should give students opportunities to learn how to use their time efficiently through the part time jobs.] [it is because they don't know that and waste their times.-> they tend to waste their time only because they don't know how to improve the situations. ] they should [strike a -> lean to manage] balance between their part time jobs and their studies. (次の文はitが何か曖昧です)[it enables the students to get the way of better use of the time naturally. -> part time jobs may help students to learn naturally how to use their time efficiently.] [with these reasons i mentioned above -> by those two reasons i describe above] , i disagree with the idea that high schools prohibit high school students from doing part time job. ちょっと細かいところまでコメントしちゃいましたが、全体的にはbecauseの使い方、あるいは使わなくて良いところを考えたほうが良いかと思います。元の文を読んでいて、because ~ が必ずしも前の文の論理的な説明になっていなくて、独立した事実の様に思います。であれば、結論を導き出すための事実として、because無しでかけば良いように思いました。