Node: Advanced Early Warning System

Wasn’t quite sure what to name this commit, so had some fun with it.

This will never, ever, ever pass the bot, and may well give it some
kind of panic attack so I apologise for that in advance. This is
intended largely for Mike to see what I’d like to do, and then tell me
how much of it is possible and what just isn’t possible.

I apologise in advance for the likely expression on Mike’s face when he
reads through the changes and wonders if I’ve completely lost it as
well. It’s half written in programming valid languages, albeit not
anywhere near correctly in terms of syntax choice, and half written in
“Hmm, if I could just tell computers what to do this would be it”.