Anything inside of a `defineProperties` block needs to have the `.prototype`.  Things defined directly on the object in the constructor function do not.  That's why `Model` works as it does.  In reality we need to update JSDoc as I'm sure there are plenty of fixes to these quirks, @shunter said the latest version can do our entire code base in under a minute. Whatever pain we have to go through to update will be worth it.