osc/rdma: clean up group process matching a bit

cmr=v1.8.2:ticket=#4732:reviewer=dgoodell
This isn't as big a change as it appears - a change in one place caused a whole bunch of files to require updated #include's due to some arcane linkage. Rework the orte_wait code to reflect the introduction of the state machine. If we are in cleanup mode and just want to kill all our local children, then there is no reason to be polite about it as that introduces *very* long delays at scale. Just kill the procs and move on.

Refs #4717