Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:45:31 NZDT 2013

To do nothing is to be nothing.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:46:22 NZDT 2013

Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.
		-- Alfieri
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:47:22 NZDT 2013

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should
be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
		-- R.A. Heinlein
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:48:22 NZDT 2013

'Tell the truth and run.'
-- Yugoslav proverb
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:49:22 NZDT 2013

revolutionary, adj.:
	Repackaged.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:50:22 NZDT 2013

'I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned.'
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:53:22 NZDT 2013

		William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be
used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with
their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of
view.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of
a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:54:22 NZDT 2013

A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 09:57:22 NZDT 2013

Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?
A:	The same middle name.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:21:22 NZDT 2013

We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should
govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the
center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major
prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual
concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get
Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God.
But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual
resources.  If, in addition, we can get them to accept the further
proposition that whatever form the Deity may have in their own theology,
the Deity is not only external, but internal and acts through them, and
they themselves give proof or disproof of the Deity in what they do and
think; if this further proposition can be accepted, then we come that
much closer to a truly religious situation on earth.
- Norman Cousins, from his book 'Human Options'
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:22:22 NZDT 2013

Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station
rate.
		-- Howard Kandel
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:23:22 NZDT 2013

A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
	'Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,'
apologized the rabbit.
	'That's quite all right,' replied the snake, 'I have the same
problem!'
	'All my life I've been wondering what I am,' said the rabbit, 'Do
you think you could help me find out?'
	'I'll try,' said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!'
	'Great!' said the rabbit.  'Thanks, I really owe you one!'
	'Well,' replied the snake, 'I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?'
	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  'Well, you're low, cold
and slimey...'  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, 'and you have
no balls.  You must be an attorney!'
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:26:22 NZDT 2013

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:28:22 NZDT 2013

Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:31:22 NZDT 2013

There was a phone call for you.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 10:40:22 NZDT 2013

New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 11:09:22 NZDT 2013

I was at this restaurant.  The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime.'  So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
		-- Steven Wright
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 11:10:22 NZDT 2013

Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of 'Deck the Halls'):

'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la)
Snatch them from their little housies (...)
First we chase them 'round the field (...)
Then we have them for a meal (...)

Toss them here and catch them there (...)
See them flying through the air (...)
Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...)
Falling mice have great appeal (...)

See the hunter stretched before us (...)
He's chased the mice in field and forest (...)
Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...)
Of the blood of little critters (...)
Autocommit Sun Dec 08 11:22:22 NZDT 2013

Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the
molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- whose
existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A fifth
theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about
the matter than the others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'
Autocommit Thu Dec 12 19:21:57 NZDT 2013

Magnet, n.:
	Something acted upon by magnetism.

Magnetism, n.:
	Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of
one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with
a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, 'The Devil's Dictionary'