Found myself writing another damn monolithic loader in order to save queries in exchange for joins. I don't think that would even pay off performancewise.

Committing anyway because I guess I'm kind of a packrat.
Er, actually I AM splitting up the loaders sort of like that. What I was doing wrong before, was keeping the data in a dictionary and waiting a while prior to instantiating--could have been sensible if I were in a statically typed setting?