I'm in love with the prettiest girl from our school, for more than a year now, and till this week, this feeling was going away and back.  Of course now, I'm attracted to her again, but anytime I've tried to get closer to her, she hided from me, and she gave me a miss for over a week. After it came back to the normal situation: we are great friends, we do a lot of things together, and we have a lot in common. I can say that I'm her best friend (I mean from boys) from our school, but she doesn't let me close to her. Not just me, but her ex-boyfriends neither. That's why she had two relationships in the last year, which only lasted for a month and was like "walking with someone...and sometimes a kiss... so pathetic.  Anyway, I felt that it's time again to do something, and than I can forget her finally.  So, on Wednesday, I told her, what do I feel about her. I told her that I'm in love with her again, and I just wanted to tell it. That's all. She didn't know what to say of course, and covered her inconvenience with loughs, and tried to change the subject of the talk, as usual.  Conclusion: Now I get what I was expected. She is hiding from me, and she doesn't talk to me a word and avoids the situations when we could see each other for a second. The most shocking term happened yesterday, she and I went to the city center after school, (we usually went together on Thursdays together by the Suburban Railway) and when I ran to catch the train, I noticed her, getting off the train at the station, where I get on it, and realized that she is there...getting off, why? The doors closed and I realized that she must have got on it at the previous stop, and as she saw me from the train running, she frightened, and got off for fear of travelling with me. I saw her as I passed her at the station, but she turned away, pretending that she is 'waiting for someone'. I just smiled at her, and DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY is someone behaving like this if you tell them that you like her???  I guess it's the side-effect of FRIEND ZONE. We are great friends, but nothing more, and if I want to get closer than the unusual close border, where not everyone belongs, than she gets frightened, and run away. But why?  Wouldn't it be better to just say NO?  Or just...don't give a damn about it, because I'm not pushy, and nothing has changed since I told her about it.  I just can't understand it.  Maybe, dear reader you do, if so, please help me with your idea.  link.So there is this girl I really care for.  And she live very far from me  And in the past we have dated  but i really screwed up..  and got very paranoid that she was cheating on me   becuase of the distance and stuff   so i broke it off with her  it has been 3 years since   and i am a wreck   i tried dating other people but for some reason   i always seem to think about her and   then cop out of the relationship  so what do i do?  do i go one and try and live my life like it is?  or should i go up there and truely tell her how i feel?Ok, this is really long, and I am going to sound totally crazy but I need to get this out because I have no one to confide in, and keeping this bottled up is driving me crazy!  Two years ago, my relationship of 9 years ended with my ex saying "You are not worth it to me."... Just like that. Now I had dealt with his deceit and lies for the entire length of the relationship because I thought that was as good as a relationship would be for me, but when he said those words I became so angry that I had put up with all of that just so he could say that I wasn't worth it!    Since then I have been very cautious about trusting anyone.  I even went through a period where I did not want to interact with any men my friends were trying to set me up with on a blind date. I would cancel and kindly tell them that I was in no mental place to begin dating.  Eventually I did meet someone, which was an unexpected surprise for me. I think I bonded with him because he had ended a long term relationship because his ex had cheated on him several years back, and although he tried to make it work, she kept betraying his trust, so he thought enough was enough.    He is a really great guy, and we seem to have the same perspective about life.  He is sweet and romantic, and he is always trying to understand where I am coming from with my insecurities.  I have told him that I have a hard time trusting people.  He acknowledged that it's not a simple process to start trusting anyone again after what I had been through and he was willing to do what it would take to gain my trust.  He even said that he wouldn't care if I looked through his phone because he has nothing to hide from me.    So far everything has been going well, but there is something bothering me today that I would like some advice about. Maybe I just need some of you rational folks to snap me out of my negative funk.    Anyway when we first started dating, I noticed he had a box in his room titled "memories" out in plain view.  Of course I figured that there would be items in there about his ex seeing as how they were together for 8 years.  But I never looked through it, it just never bugged me at the time.  However, with time my insecurities start to creep in on me again.    Flash forward to Christmas day, I noticed the box again, in plain sight, and my weakness got the best of me.  I decided to look through the box.  I know I am a douche bag!  I noticed he had three very full packets of photos in the box, some concert tickets, and a letter that his ex wrote to him for their 8th valentine's day together.  The three packets had a lot of pictures of him, his family, his time in college, and of course a bunch of photos of his ex.  I immediately closed the box and felt angry and guilty at the same time.  Mostly I was jealous that this girl had this incredible guy who did everything for her, including trying to work out their relationship after her infidelity and she just took him for granted. And here he was holding on to all of these things associated with her, and all I ever wanted was someone to do that for me.  Again, stupid rationality on my part considering she lost him in the end and now that incredible guy is with me.     New Year's Eve, we go to a friend's party, have a few drinks, and I confessed what I did and how I felt when I saw the photos. He wasn't mad and said that he hadn't looked through that box in a long time, and he kept it out in the open because he didn't want to hide it from me. They were memories of good times for him and that was all.  I told him that I wish someday he would go through the box with me and tell me the stories behind the photos, and to not throw out any of the photos of his ex because I didn't want him to just throw away memories like that because I asked him.     Two days later, we were texting each other and I asked him if he remembered what we talked about on New Year's eve.  He said he didn't remember because he had one too many drinks but he wanted to know what we talked about. I said "ok no biggy we can always talk about it again in person."  The next day we are in his room and he asked me what we had talked about that night, I told him it had to do with his box of memories.  Without me having a chance to go into any detail, he says "Can I show you something?" I replied "sure."  He brought out the box. When he opened it I noticed there was now only one packet of photos in the box, which I immediately thought was strange.  Then he went through the photos with me and there were no photos of his ex at all!    At this point, I know that he lied to me about remembering the conversation and went through the box and moved the other pictures.  He kind of pretended like that one packet of photos was all that was in there all along, even though I know there were a lot more photos.  The fact that he is constantly pushing me to be honest with him about my feelings, and then he does this makes me worry.  Should I be concerned that he did that?  There is no way that he could have just thrown out those photos, right?  I want to bring it up to him, but I don't know how.  Part of me is disappointed that he couldn't just be honest with me and acknowledge that he had those photos there especially after we talked about it.  I don't know this is driving me nuts now because I am constantly thinking the worst.Unsure if the relationship with oneself (in this situation, affected by friends and, um, not friends) would be applicable here, but because it's bothering me and I haven't felt this much unrest in a while (since the ex situation, which I've finally overcome, thankfully, and have made no attempts to go back), I feel like I need to let it out and see if I'm wrong.Oh, wait, re-reading? This person wants mod powers? NOT ON YOUR LIFE! DON'T DO IT! The potential for sabotage and attempting to take over YOUR stuff is HUGE. Don't do it don't do it don't do it! DO NOT give any control to that person!    My sire was emotionally abusive to my mom, and I grew up in that environment, hiding behind the paper-doll of "his daughter" that was in his mind. When I turned 18 and ripped away his delusions about me (namely, that I was going to go move up with a guy), he tried to brain-**** me into breaking up with the guy, using emotional, psychological, and religious tactics that... Yeah, well, I managed to get my head straightened out, and I've been married to THAT GUY for 20 years, and he's wonderful, so the enormity of my sire's sin grows more every day. I know what emotional abusers can be like, and how they can be so very charming on the surface. *offers hugs* You may benefit from a professional listener of some kind, even if it was "just" a month and a half of full-on abuse. I know how emotional abusers can leave scars, and I know that they rarely change. I cherish my scars carefully, because my sire could have sold ice to Inuit. Eventually, being 2,000 miles away, I told my sire that he's not to talk to me until he meets certain conditions, and it's been... years, I think, since I've heard from him. Because changing would be too hard, and he'd rather be estranged from his daughter and my kid, apparently.I confronted my friend with this. Hopefully, she understands. The funny thing is, if she wants to be friends with her, that's her choice, I've never begrudged her that, but the continuous saying of "but she's making an effort" and "remember, there's a line between professional and personal," was really hurting me. It felt almost like she was invalidating what I went through. Granted, she kept saying "it's your comm" and "I'm behind you 100%", but if you are, why are you pushing the idea that this person who nearly ruined me, emotionally, is "making an effort". No, she's not. She's just acting sweet, but inside, she's still a raging c---.    Well, she didn't ask for mod powers, but she volunteered to do something that mods do, which is banner making. I didn't ask for volunteers of any sort, so I thought not only was that out of place, but it was disrespectful. It's like...imagine a woman who divorced her husband of 10+ years because he had a mistress, they have three kids together, and fastforward, the ex married the mistress and one of the kids is getting married, and the mistress volunteers to help the mother plan the wedding?     Again, not the same scenario, but how do you thing the ex-wife will feel? It's just disrespectful. I would gladly let her come to the wedding (in this case, the community). I won't make a scene for the sake of the kids (in this case, the members). But this is my baby, my community and I will not let her be that involved.    I'm just hurt that my friend said that...I mean, really, the words "she's making an effort" is replaying in my head like a broken record because all I remember is all the crappy things she said and did when no one was around, and it hurts that only I remember that 'cause no one else has any idea, and even though I've told them, I guess they think I might be overreacting? Maybe.    *hugs* And I'm sorry you had to go through that. My dad was emotionally abusive and physically. My mom got away from it before I was born, but my stepmom stepped in to take it. I tried to get her away from it and when he shoved me against the kitchen counter...that's the last I ever saw or spoke to him. It's been years. He doesn't even know I moved to the U.S. I've had my share of emotional abusers and I've no idea how I keep attracting them, but I don't stay long. I run because I don't like the feeling they leave behind. No one should put themselves through that. Ever.People are strange, indifferent, wonderful, frustrating, trustworthy and mostly, a pain in our derrieres but I seem to love everyone though I do not like everyone. For the people whom I do not like and find them hard to tolerate, a say a little mantra to myself that I'm sending to them, "Bless you and your indifference". I say this mantra because it makes me remember that they are what they are and why others find them to be hard to be around because of how they drain others. And believe me, I 'do not' spend hardly anytime time with these people unless I have too. I truly do not have any advise on how people should deal with others but what I know is people will be what they are until they 'have' to change because one day, if they are lucky, they'll wake up and everyone will be gone, and they might begin to ask the question of 'why' to themselves and realize to wasn't everyone else, it was them: hopefully. Be well ...You also have to know what you can give: emotionally, financially, etc. (If you are the one with more money, then you may need to bear the brunt of the long distance bills, for instance.) Don't tell yourself that you can do AAAAAANYthing. You have to be honest with yourself. You have to own your issues, and your emotions. (Which, in turn, means that you will have more ability to deal with them. If you're sending messages to the absent landlord, "Help, my emotions aren't fixed and this place is a wreck," then nothing can happen. If you're saying, "Okay, the emotions are leaking and this place is a wreck, but no one is going to yell at me if I start fixing things myself," then you can get further.)    So the first thing is: KNOW YOURSELF.    The second thing is: you have to be a functional human being on your own. Yes, everyone needs friends and supports and helpers and companions of some sort or another. But unless you are looking for a full-time Dominant to run your life, you have to be able to walk on your own. Because sometimes, you're going to be the one who gets leaned on, if you're in an equal partnership with someone else. They have to be able to trust that they can do that. They have to not be constantly thinking of your emotions as well as their own; for most people, it's exhausting to be responsible for someone else all the time. It activates Mommy Brain and that is going to wreck libido and create what is probably not the relationship you're looking for.    Next... that girl you dated? She's not there anymore. She's NOT THERE. It's been three years. She's going to have changed. You basically can't build up this memory, and put it on a pedestal, and expect anyone human to live up to it. You will be disappointed, at the least.    Which doesn't mean you can't call her. CALL, not show up on her doorstep. Showing up on her doorstep with a protestation of love may work in the movies, but in real life, it's a 50-50 chance (or worse) that someone doing that is going to come off as extremely creepy and possibly dangerous.    But after you get your own mind straight, about what you want in a relationship, what you need in a relationship, what you can offer in a relationship -- you can most certainly write or email, or maybe even give a phone call, and you can say something like, "Hey, it's Goml 42. I know it's been a while. I wanted to apologize for being paranoid and screwing up something good." And then you listen, really really hard. If she's moved on, if she has a new relationship, the chances are extremely good that she will tell you. And then the only thing that you can do with dignity is say, "Hey, I hope your life is going well" and assuming she doesn't confess that the guy/gal is a jerk, "I won't keep you." And then you have to move on yourself.    If she doesn't have a new relationship, then she'll probably tell you that, as well -- depending on how messily you broke up! You could then say, "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I was wondering if you'd consider giving me a second chance." And if she says no, then you do the dignity thing, above. If she says that she'd consider it, then don't push to try to get what you remember having. For one thing, those memories are 3 years old; you need to find out who she is now, and show her who you are now. You're starting over from square negative one (since you broke up with her once before, which is going to make her wonder if you're messing with her head now).    I hope that's useful to you. I'm sorry it's blunt. Good luck!i dont think i will want another relationship with her well at aleast not now like you said i need to find my self but i think it was more like closer.. like should i keep those memories of us and see there is a chance for a future of just for get about it and move on.I think that if-and-when you come to Know Yourself, the answer will become more clear. When you know what you're looking for in a relationship, and not just going by instinct and by what society says a "relationship" is supposed to look like... You'll be able to think about your old relationship and realize if you are putting a soft filter over the memories and adding hearts and flowers -- or if there was, indeed, something fundamentally flawed about it.    If you can know yourself, if you can look at the old relationship, and see that there was something there you'd like another chance at... Call, being extremely prepared to bow out with dignity and grace.    If you see that you have moved on emotionally, and have different needs, then put the memories in the Bittersweet Box and write out a list of what you're looking for in a relationship now, so you can recognize it when you see it -- and so you can get a better idea of where to look!    (I did the "list" by accident, unconsciously, when I was a teenager. Then I met someone who fit nearly ever important piece of that list, and we've been married over 20 years. Knowing what you're looking for is vital.)    But it's really hard to say what you should do before you've gotten yourself grounded and Known. Odds are high that you'll wind up needing to move on, either way, but if you don't have that Self-Knowledge, there won't be any closure to doing so, and you'll risk just repeating the pattern of looking for something (or someone) you're not finding and breaking up again.  People raised as girls are taught to Be Polite. That means not saying "no" if you can avoid it. The extent of this varies from girl to girl, and region to region, but it's a real message. Be Polite. Don't Hurt People's Feelings. So what she's doing is saying "no," but she's trying to say it in a way that gives everyone their dignity. She's trying to be "busy" and let you have the space to say, "Oh, hey, I guess it was just a crush after all, ha-ha, isn't life funny." She's not doing a very good job of it, but I'm guessing y'all are in high school? The whole Be Polite thing doesn't actually come with any other rules for how to say "no" without hurting someone's feelings, so she's really confused, too.    2: People raised as girls are also, as a side effect of the first one, taught that other people's emotions are their fault. Again, it's not a formal education thing, and not all girls absorb it the same way, but we're told that if someone likes us... We did something to do that. Whether we did or not. Since she doesn't know what she did (except be herself, and a good friend), she doesn't know how to un-do it. So there's another reason to hide away; if she's not there, she's not doing Whatever It Is, so the situation can't escalate.    3: She may not be ready to be liked that way by anyone! She may want to have friends, and she may've been pushed (socially, trying to fit in) into having boyfriends in the past, but not want to have a romantic friend. That's not pathetic! It's just how people are wired. Some people get romantic interest in others much later than everyone else (I was 16 when I first started to maybe kinda be interested in boys!). Some people never get a romantic interest in anyone.    3a: She may like girls, either consciously or unconsciously. Some people are just wired that way, and she knows no way to tell you, "I like you, but I have as much romantic interest in you as I have in a bird feeder." If she's attracted to girls-only, then she may not even realize it herself yet.    3b: She may hate thinking of herself as a girl! She may feel like a boy in a girl's body, and any hint of "traditional" relationships remind her that she's physically a girl, which hurts her. People who are like that can be very heartbroken that their bodies don't match their minds. (This isn't ultra-common, but it's a possibility.)    4: Her ex-boyfriends may have made it clear to her that they expected some form of genital touching, which she wasn't ready to do. (They may even have tried to force her to have sexual touching of some kind, which she didn't tell anyone. Many to most girls won't tell, because they'll be blamed for causing the Unthinking Lust -- see #2, above -- and get called a "tease" at best and possibly even called a slut or a whore.) If she's had bad relationships, then unfortunately, you just put yourself into the same category as them: you like her as they undoubtedly claimed they liked her, and now she fears (consciously or unconsciously) that you're going to decide that your emotions of liking are going to trump her desire to not have sexual contact with people.Basically, she's not ready for a relationship with you, and may never want one. It sucks, but we (boys or girls) can't turn our emotions on and off just because someone else is a great friend who likes us that way. Movies and TV say otherwise, but movies and TV are telling a story to make people feel better -- not a story of how to deal with one-sided romantic feelings. (I've had a case where I thought a boy liked me... but over the summer, he got together with someone else. Someone I didn't like, even! So I spent my junior year of high school watching them be all cuddly and lovey, keeping anyone from seeing that I was hurt and angry. It wasn't pleasant, but anything else would've been even more drama and pain, and at least I had my dignity.)    About the best thing you can try, I'd say, is to give her a phone call or a note that says, "I don't want my crush to get in the way of our friendship. I miss my friend. Is there anything we can do so you're not hiding from me? I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or upset, and I'm not going to push you to go out together if you're not interested." And you have to NOT PUSH HER if she agrees to hang out with you again. Not ask her why she doesn't like you romantically, not tell her your feelings anymore (you've told her; if she changes her mind, she can tell you), and absolutely NOT hang around "in the Friend Zone" if all you're doing is hoping that her emotions will change. If you want her as a friend whether you can have her as a girlfriend or not, then that's one thing, but if you're just waiting for her to realize that you're the love of her life... Don't do that to yourself; it will only make you bitter and resentful, and it's not fair to either of you.    I hope this is helpful to you! I'm sorry that the situation is tangled; be aware that if she's so upset as to be hiding, it's pretty stressful for her, too. I hope that y'all can at least get your friendship back. Good luck!Thanks for the helpful words. I really appreciate it.  I was wondering about talking to her or not about it? To tell her, that I realized her hiding and not talking to me, but she should'nt be like that. Or just asking: you missed the stop at the train yesterday? Maybe it would be to cruel. Or even, to write or not?  But I like your idea...of writing a letter.  Also I have seen it in a video, on Youtube, about how to escape from Friend Zone, (I know it seems funny now) and in that video there is an idea--> to write her an sms in the name of my friend, pretending a fake and absurd death in which I died, and my cellphone survived it. My friend tells her how much she meant to me and that's it. Best regards...  So what do you think? :D  Anyway, I like your idea best.Uh, no, do not do the sms thing, that's really manipulative and wrong. If she sees you as a friend it is disrespectful of you to try and convince her otherwise, especially with cruel lies. You told her your feelings already, she doesn't need to be told again and again hoping you'll get a new response. This girl is not obligated to return your feelings; nor can you make her feel anything for you other than friendship. It's time to move on and look for a girl who likes you back.The only kind of girl you will attract is one who plays them right back at you, and you will wind up in toxic and cruel relationships, full of drama. Mindgames are BAD for a real relationship, and they are a bad habit to get into.    Be forthright and mean what you say, at all times. (This doesn't mean being cruel; you can be forthright without being cruel and nasty.) If you refer to her avoiding you, just say, "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable." Say, "I won't bring it up anymore; our friendship means a lot to me." And DON'T BRING IT UP ANYMORE. If you are going to prove yourself to be a good friend, then you have to keep your promises; you're promising that you won't make her uncomfortable by asking more of her than she's willing to give. You wouldn't want to keep making a friend uncomfortable, right? You wouldn't put tacks in her shoes, right? Same thing.    If you can't be her friend without wanting to be her boyfriend... Then you are going to have to go on the very fringes of the Friend Zone (like, the Friendly Acquaintance Zone), because, as I said, pretending to be "just friends" when you're really secretly angling to Be Her Boyfriend... It's going to make you bitter. Pretending to be Just Friends leads to this kind of scene.. It can be very awkward when a friend tells you they like you romantically but you don't know how to say no. It sounds like this girl hasn't had enough experience in relationships and just isn't ready for one.    Also do NOT play mind games with her either. It's going to make you look like a total jerk. It's cruel and wrong. You have to put yourself in her shoes for a moment: if she already has trust issues with men, you're going to completely ruin your friendship if you lie to her or try to manipulate her feelings. It's time to move on and look for love elsewhere.She doesn't want a relationship with you, OP. She probably just wants to be friends with you, and if you do care about her like you say, you should respect that and do your best to be her friend and nothing more. Don't be her friend hoping she'll like you too someday; that's not fair to her and does not make you a very good friend either.As an aside, saying no can be hard even for guys. Think of a time when you made up an excuse to not do something with/for a friend. Why didn't you just say no? It's part of being a member of this highly-social species - we want to make our friends happy and we want them to like us. There's nothing wrong with that, but it helps to realize that it makes "just saying no" surprisingly difficult (and it's gets more difficult to just say no to more important/serious things, not less.She's your friend, she cares way too much about you to give a blunt "NO" to your face. If another chick did that to you, she'd be upset for you and mad at the chick for hurting your feelings. She's not going to engage in the same shitty behavior.     She must really like you as a friend if she's going to such lengths to not hurt your feelings. Maybe she just really wants to keep things as they are, staying good friends.     Now that she knows your feelings, she has two options: 1) Accept your feelings and go out with you, when she only likes you as a friend but you obviously like her as more. 2) Reject you honestly and lose a really good friend, or worse try to stay friends and have that awkwardness linger. Either way she's fucked, man. So she hides because she's anxious and feels like there's no right decision that would make everyone happy.    It's a shitty situation, so good luck to you. Stay direct, understanding, and open to communication, and she will definitely notice your maturity and it will factor highly into her eventual final decision.You know what I was taught, told, nudged, pushed, socialized, reinforced to do for much of my life, especially when I was young?    "Be nice." "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." "It's only polite to reciprocate when someone is nice to you."    There was very little about how to firmly set your own boundaries and /not/ feel bad about it. And avoidance is a very common tactic when caught in a bind like that. Because what's a girl who's never been told, "It's okay to say no," supposed to do? There's a strong, strong social pressure to reciprocate positive feelings in some way - witness how people will smile and make nice even with other people they can't stand. And that's not even in a romantic situation. She can either say yes (which she obviously doesn't want to do), do something she's been told is Mean,(which she can't do, because girls are supposed to be Nice *sarcasm mark*), or avoid the person who, in stating his feelings, put pressure on her to reciprocate.     Mind you, I'm not blaming you for that at all. I think you did the right thing - it's always best to state outright, and without pressure from you, your true feelings. But you have to understand that the way boys are socialized and the way girls are socialized can be very different, especially in the area of romance. It's her socialization that's placing her in an awkward dilemma.     The best thing to do is to be understanding. Don't try to approach her or pressure her into a definitive answer, because the more you do, the more she's probably thinking, "He says he's in love with me, but I'm not in love with him, but he keeps coming after me, I don't want to but I can't say no," interspersed with a little, "Oh god did I Lead Him On, I don't want to be giving off signals that maybe I liked him as more than a friend." It sounds like she has some maturing to do, too, but there's nothing you can do about that - the only thing you can control are your actions. So give her some space, and as time passes (I'd give it at least a few weeks, maybe longer) and she sees that you're not trying to pressure her into anything, I'm guessing she'll probably relax.    In the meantime, join some clubs or get involved in something new where you're likely to meet other girls who might be interested in dating you, rather than obsessing over the one who isn't.    Also, I skipped over to your journal for a little bit, and let me add this: please, please, please for the love of your future relationships and friendships with women, drop the concept of the friend zone. It is a toxic concept that has no place in the life of a mature adult. Do NOT hang around with someone only because you want to get with them. On the flipside, people (at least, the reasonable, mature people you would actually want a relationship with) do not put people into a zone marked, "Never gonna happen but because they're hot for me they're easier to use."     If someone is not interested in you, they're not interested, period. It doesn't matter how "perfect" or "kind" or how many things you do for her. Most of the time, there's no real explanation beyond, "Sorry, I'm just not feeling it." Human chemistry and attraction is a mysterious thing. I have plenty of friends, male and female, who are exceedingly good-looking, charismatic, and sweet that I would never be interested in a relationship with, because we just don't click. Similarly, I've clicked with some mousy-lookin' dudes and ladies that other people might have passed right  over.Sorry to derail the thread, but I have a question... I always thought the term "friend zone" meant "we're just friends FULL STOP and nothing else." I have several friends whom I've decidedly "friend-zoned" by this definition, and we're all pretty happy and healthy in