It all started when our (former porn) star, Bill Brasky, woke up in a
secret vineyard. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling
ridiculously angered, Bill Brasky backhanded a potato, thinking it would
make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so
extemperaneously, she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! 
Immediately she called her favorite Mormon, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky
had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of
which were flamboyant ones.  Leroy Jenkins was unique. He was
intelligent though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Bill Brasky
called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very nervous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins
calmly assured her that most long-haired sea monkeys cringe before
mating, yet venomous koalas usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating.
He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting
Bill Brasky.  Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? 
Because he had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only seven
days prior.  It was a sassy little iPad... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at
hand: her iPad. Leroy Jenkins yawned. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins
invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed
her whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy
Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide
the iPad and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Bill Brasky took
the tricked out go kart, he had take at least seven minutes before Bill
Brasky would get there.  But if she took the Segway?  Then Leroy Jenkins
would be abnormally screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was
interrupted by three insensitive marmots that were lured by his iPad.
Leroy Jenkins sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he
fearlessly reached for his ninja star and carefully groped every last
one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged
critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle,
squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard
the Segway rolling up.  It was Bill Brasky.

----o0o---- 

   As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an
unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so she knew
she was running late.  With a mighty leap, Bill Brasky was out of the
Segway and went wildly jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. 
Meanwhile inside,  Leroy Jenkins was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed
the iPad into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his
hammock. Leroy Jenkins was concerned but at least the iPad was
concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins flamboyantly purred.  With a inept push,
Bill Brasky opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being
chased by some selfish social outcast in a curb-jumping ghetto sled
(Impala),' she lied.  'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured her. Bill
Brasky took a seat mysteriously distant from where Leroy Jenkins had
hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his
nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Bill
Brasky was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Leroy Jenkins
noticed a clueless look on Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened
her mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his ear when Bill Brasky asked
this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad
right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A
lie.  A selfish look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. She turned
to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just
my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet disease-carrying
chipmunks.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Bill Brasky nodded
with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Bill
Brasky randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The iPad was
plainly in view.

   Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been two
days. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Leroy Jenkins
groped sassily in Bill Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill
Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Leroy
Jenkins let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so
protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Bill
Brasky,' he rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little dimwitted,
so Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to
escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking
live hand grenades at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later,
she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving
headlong through the glass panels.

   Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed
excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill
Brasky. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it
never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. 
You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and
looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.

----o0o---- 

   Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make her way through the
disease-infested jungle behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had
severely hurt her kidney during the window incident, and was starting to
lose strength.  Another pack of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having
caught wind of the iPad.  One by one they latched on to Bill Brasky. 
Already weakened from her injury, Bill Brasky yielded to the furry
onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing she saw before losing
consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with her iPad.

   About eleven hours later, Bill Brasky awoke, her scalp throbbing.  It
was dark and Bill Brasky did not know where she was.  Deep in the arid
swamp, Bill Brasky was ridiculously lost. Suddenly inspired by the wise
teachings of Confuscious, she remembered that her iPad was taken by the
marmots. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life.  That's
when, to her horror, a huge marmot emerged from the imaginery desert. 
It was the alpha marmot. Bill Brasky opened her mouth to scream but was
cut short when the marmot sunk its teeth into Bill Brasky's ear. With a
faint groan, the life escaped from Bill Brasky's lungs, but not before
she realized that she was a failure.

   Less than five miles away, Leroy Jenkins was entombed by anguish over
the loss of the iPad.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a
sharpened wolverine.  With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his
shin.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Bill
Brasky... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved
her.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the iPad
that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their
demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect
the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry
of distant marmots, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and
perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes
would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. 
So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(