# Talk:Paper clothing

This review is transcluded from Talk:Paper clothing/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Ingenuity (talk · contribs) 20:49, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

Hello Mabalu! I'll be reviewing this GA nomination. First off, it's amazing how much improvement this article has had over the past few days, good work! I haven't looked thoroughly yet, but it appears to be well sourced and well written. >>> Ingenuity.talk(); 20:49, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

Wonderful! Thank you. I've actually just found another source to help expand the Japanese section so am adding it in as we type. Mabalu (talk) 20:51, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

Mabalu: Okay, it looks like it meets the main GA criteria. I've looked over most of the references and footnotes and they look good. I've made a couple minor changes, mainly just small edits to make it a bit clearer. There are a few sentences that could be improved -- I'll list them here:

"Kamiko became a traditional Japanese craft of Shiroishi, Miyagi carried out to a very high standard and skill during the Edo period, after which it began to become a lost art before being revived in the mid-20th century." in this sentence "began to become" sounds awkward, and the punctuation in the first part could be improved. Maybe something like this?
"Kamiko became a traditional Japanese craft of Shiroishi, Miyagi, where it was carried out to a very high standard and skill during the Edo period. The practice began to die out in the late 19th century, before being revived in the mid-20th century."
"In the late 1950s, manufacturers of disposable paper goods such as the Scott Paper Company developed cellulose-based bonded fiber textiles that they intended to be used for laboratory and medical garments." this is a bit of a run-on sentence, maybe adding a comma could help break up the sentence:
"In the late 1950s, manufacturers of disposable paper goods such as the Scott Paper Company developed cellulose-based bonded fiber textiles, which were intended to be used for laboratory and medical garments."
"A significant collection of paper fashion was built in the first decade of the 21st century by the ATOPOS cultural foundation in Athens, which in the form of an internationally travelling museum and art gallery exhibition, has raised awareness and appreciation of the innovation of paper and paper-substitutes as a fashion and wearable art material over the last millennium." this is quite long, and the punctuation seems a bit weird. "... has raised awareness of appreciation ..." also seems sightly promotional. This may or may not be better:
"A significant collection of paper fashion was built in the first decade of the 21st century by the ATOPOS cultural foundation in Athens. In the form of an internationally travelling museum and art gallery exhibition, it has raised awareness of the innovation of paper and paper-substitutes as a fashion and wearable art material over the last millennium."
I'll probably come up with some more suggestions tomorrow. >>> Ingenuity.talk(); 23:17, 31 May 2022 (UTC)

All great suggestions, thank you - edits made. Mabalu (talk) 23:59, 31 May 2022 (UTC)
Mabalu a few more things:

The lead is a bit long, especially the second paragraph -- it would be great if that could be trimmed down a couple sentences
"In Japan, washi is usually made using kōzo (paper mulberry), mitsumata, or ganpi, typically kōzo as unlike ganpi, it can be cultivated, and unlike mitsumata, it has long, narrow trunks and a rhizomatic structure creating long fibres that are easy to farm, harvest and process." this sentence is a bit awkward, splitting it up might help:
"In Japan, washi is usually made using kōzo (paper mulberry), mitsumata, or ganpi. Kōzo is typically used, as unlike ganpi, it can be cultivated, and unlike mitsumata, it has long, narrow trunks and a rhizomatic structure creating long fibres that are easy to farm, harvest, and process."
As for the history merge tag on the article right now -- I don't think that's actually necessary since you are the only editor to the sandbox, so the attribution requirements are met.
I've read through the article a few times now and nothing else has really jumped out at me, so this is pretty close to passing. >>> Ingenuity.talk(); 13:04, 1 June 2022 (UTC)

Thank you - I've made the copyedits suggested and cut out one sentence from the lede and made some small tweaks. On my last major GA nom, (Crinoline), I was told the lede was too short, so I erred on the side of caution. Do let me know if you spot anything else, I caught a spelling error and I am sure there are some instances where my British English is showing in what should probably be an US English article (just checked and fixed another errant British Englishism!). Thanks so much! Mabalu (talk) 13:56, 1 June 2022 (UTC)
@Mabalu as a Canadian, I certainly understand that struggle! Our vocabulary is a combination of both, so it's really annoying to make consistent articles... Anyway, I think that's everything addressed, so this has  Passed. Thanks for making such a great and interesting article! >>> Ingenuity.talk(); 14:46, 1 June 2022 (UTC)