# Talk:Typhoon Halola

This review is transcluded from Talk:Typhoon Halola/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Hurricanehink (talk · contribs) 16:06, 5 March 2020 (UTC)

 that traversed the Pacific Ocean along a 7,640 km (4,750 mi) long path. --> "that traversed 7,640 km... of the Pacific Ocean". I felt like this wording could've been improved, so as to avoid "along" and "long" in the same sentence.
Changed to your recommendation, but IMO it still sounds a bit strange. I may change it again later. ~ KN2731 {talk · contribs} 10:57, 6 March 2020 (UTC)
Okay, I changed it to "traveled 7,640 km (4,750 mi) across the Pacific Ocean". Hopefully this sounds better. ~ KN2731 {talk · contribs} 11:04, 6 March 2020 (UTC)
" On July 6, a low-level circulation that had developed a few days prior began increasing in organization. " - this threw me off by saying that the circulation developed a few days prior. You said in the previous sentence that the trough moved into the CPAC on 7/5. Do you have a definitive start to the storm?
Reworked this part - didn't notice that TCR mentioned the circulation formed on July 3. ~ KN2731 {talk · contribs} 10:57, 6 March 2020 (UTC)
Parts of the MH are heavy on jargon. This part felt a bit wonky - "A weakening trend soon followed as wind shear increased once again and a tropical upper tropospheric trough that had been aiding outflow began to dissipate."
I tried cutting down on some of the jargon, including removing mentions of TUTTs and replacing some of the technical terms. I'm not sure how much more I can cut without compromising factual accuracy. ~ KN2731 {talk · contribs} 10:57, 6 March 2020 (UTC)
in the third MH paragraph, you say "Vertical wind shear", as opposed to regular wind shear, or easterly wind shear. I think you could get away with each time just saying "wind shear"
Fixed. ~ KN2731 {talk · contribs} 10:57, 6 March 2020 (UTC)
Could you mention Halola's path through the Ryukyus in the MH? You talk a lot about its fluctuations in intensity, and then suddenly the landfall in Japan.
Added more info. ~ KN2731 {talk · contribs} 10:57, 6 March 2020 (UTC)
The article is in really good shape, so there wasn't a whole lot to point out. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments, but I think it should be easy to address. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk)  16:06, 5 March 2020 (UTC)