# Talk:Thames Valley Royals proposal

This review is transcluded from Talk:Thames Valley Royals proposal/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Casliber (talk · contribs) 09:32, 3 September 2013 (UTC)

okay - I remember this when it happened - will read and copyedit as I go and jot queries below...Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 09:32, 3 September 2013 (UTC)
Right, now where was I .....hmmm....
it nearly went through - a tad colloquial-sounding....but I can't think of a better phrase - "it nearly came to fruition"? hmmmm
OK —Cliftonian (talk) 11:29, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
it derailed at the last minute  - " it was derailed at the last minute " (more used to seeing it in passive tense...)
OK —Cliftonian (talk) 11:29, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
Probably replace at least one "Maxwell" with a pronoun in para 2 of lead.
Yes —Cliftonian (talk) 11:29, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
I am wondering if we can improve the structure of the lead - currently it has para 1 = very potted summary, paras 2 & 3 are more details....but this makes the article have a three-tiered level of detail. I think maybe rearranging the lead strictly chronologically would be better - otherwise it comes across as repetitive.
Okay. I have trimmed it down and put it more chronologically; what do you think now? —Cliftonian (talk) 11:29, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
Much better. Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 11:33, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
 "There was fear in the faces of the older players," he said. "It was a feeling of incredulity, confusion, worry and fear." - bit laboured using "fear" twice in the one sentence....
Yes —Cliftonian (talk) 11:29, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
The residents of neither Didcot nor Wallingford elicited much interest - "The residents of neither Didcot nor Wallingford showed much interest" You elicit something in something - i.e. someone eliciting interest out of the locals...
Ok, thanks for this —Cliftonian (talk) 11:29, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
1. Well written?:

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2. Factually accurate and verifiable?:

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Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales: 
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Overall: 

Pass or Fail:  - nice and tight/interesting read, well done. Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 11:37, 11 September 2013 (UTC)
Thanks Casliber! —Cliftonian (talk) 11:43, 11 September 2013 (UTC)