# Talk:Priscilla Johnson McMillan

This review is transcluded from Talk:Priscilla Johnson McMillan/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: LM150 (talk · contribs) 15:30, 30 December 2020 (UTC)
Hi, happy to review this article! I've done a quick read and I only have mainly prose issues to raise. I think it's very close to being a GA. Comments so far..

The very first sentence - could we split this into two sentences? (eg. "..is an American journalist, translator, author, and historian. She is a Center Associate..")
"In that capacity" - perhaps "In that role"?
"and his killer" - perhaps "and Oswald"?


### Early life and education
Could we merge the second and third paragraphs?
"While having a background of having been well born and going to the "right" schools and engaging in the "right" activities" - I think this sentence could be simplified without using "having" and "right" twice, eg. "With a privileged background, attending good schools engaging in recreational activities, Johnson.."
"While at Bryn Mawr, where she majored in Russian, she was an advocate of the World Federalist Movement, belonging.." - why don't you place this sentence next to the college paragraph, so that it stays together?
@LM150: Thanks very much for undertaking this review.  I'm not sure whether there are more comments coming, but in any case I've now made changes to address the first two groups of comments you've made.  The only one I didn't change is "and his killer", because I think it has more impact when worded like that.  However I did change the beginning of the associated Note to say "Kennedy and Oswald".  I will shortly look at the next two groups of comments.  Wasted Time R (talk) 13:18, 5 January 2021 (UTC)
Great thanks, I've added additional feedback below, and this should hopefully be it!


### Congressional aide
"Her first stint in the Soviet Union" - perhaps add "(USSR)" next to Soviet Union because you use USSR later on
"There in November 1959" - try not to start a sentence with "There"
"she was called to testify" - just curious, is there anything from her testimony worth mentioning here?
Could we merge some paragraphs in this section?


### Author and scholar
"Meanwhile" is an unnecessary word
"And now the daughter" - try not to start with "And"
"glowing reviews" - perhaps "positive reviews"?
"She was able to gain greater-than-usual.." - perhaps "She was granted.."?
"Her book happened to come out right after.." - perhaps "Her book was published right after.."? Sounds more encyclopedic.
"More than other works about Oppenheimer" - doesn't make sense to me
"Upon this happening" - perhaps "Upon release"?
"By now she was 85 years old.." - be time specific, eg. "By 2013, she was 85 years old"


### Additional feedback
"she became friendly with Oswald's widow" - perhaps "she befriended Oswald's widow"?
You've used the word "subsequently" six times in the article. This word is usually always redundant and can be safely removed from all your sentences
The same goes for "in order to". Example: "she had a student-tourist visa in order to study Soviet law"
"people associated with the memory of physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer" - do we need "with the memory" part?
Reference 4 has an author available: Debbie M. Lord. Also I believe the agency name is "Alabama Local", not "Advance Local"
Reference 22 has two publishers: The Miami News. The New York Times News Service. I think the latter can be removed. Thanks, LM150 16:48, 5 January 2021 (UTC)
@LM150: I think I've now addressed all your comments and issues.  Regarding her Warren Commission testimony, I didn't see anything in it worth including, and many of the "sources" that cover her testimony quickly descend into JFK conspiracy land.   Regarding fn 4, thanks for spotting the author, and I decided to assume that the item did appear in the Birmingham News and so I switched to that.  Regarding fn 22, in this context the New York Times News Service is just like a wire service and so should be credited in the cite, especially since the byline is Harrison Salisbury who was heavily associated with the Times.  Wasted Time R (talk) 13:18, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
Good to go :) LM150 16:18, 6 January 2021 (UTC)
@LM150: Thanks again for the review.  (Priscilla Johnson McMillan has seen a lot of American history go by, I can only imagine what she thinks about what's been happening in Washington today.)  Wasted Time R (talk) 22:37, 6 January 2021 (UTC)

…is little better than unsourced trivial fluff. The problem is the fluffiness and the triviality. Qwirkle (talk) 00:14, 15 July 2021 (UTC)