# Talk:Theodore Paleologus (Junior)

This review is transcluded from Talk:Theodore Paleologus (Junior)/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Gog the Mild (talk · contribs) 16:19, 5 November 2020 (UTC)

I have done a little copy editing, which you will want to check.

"File:Tombstone of Teodoro Paleologus (son).png" needs a PD tag for the original engraving.
Not sure what you mean here. A second copyright tag aimed at the engraving specifically?
Yes. Eg, see how File:Carthage - Double Shekel - c.160-149 BC.jpg is licensed.
Done. Ichthyovenator (talk) 19:29, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"Parliamentarists". The usual term is Parliamentarians.
Fixed. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"despite his friend Richard Grenville and his two brothers being Cavaliers (royalists)". This causes uncertainty as to whether the two brothers are the siblings of Paleologus or Grenville. Perhaps 'despite his two brothers and his friend Richard Grenville being Cavaliers (royalists)'?
Changed to your suggestion. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"a brother of Emperor Constantine XI Palaiologos". Possibly → 'a brother of the last Byzantine emperor, Constantine XI Palaiologos'?
Changed. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"since his father served the hated and feared Earl Henry Clinton as Master of the Horse". Hated and feared by whom?
By his own subjects and significant portions of the rest of the nobility. Hall (2015) calls him one of the most hated and feared noblemen in all of England at his time; I could move in some of the stuff in the article on Theodore Paleologus if clarification is needed. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
A suggestion 'where his father served as Master of the Horse for the Earl Henry Clinton; the modern historian John Hall describes Clinton as one of the most hated and feared noblemen in all of England at the time.'?
Makes sense, changed to your suggestion. Ichthyovenator (talk) 19:29, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"documents confidently place Theodore Junior in the city as well". Contemporary documents? Is it known what they were?
Changed "documents" to "a legal paper", which is what the source says. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"Grenville returned to England years later, in order to join the 1640 army raised by King Charles I". This is repetitive and a little clumsy. Why not 'Grenville returned to England in 1640 order to join the army raised by King Charles I' or similar?
Removed/rephrased this bit (as per another suggestion below).
"(now at the age of 31)" → '(now aged 31)'.
Done. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"Grenville was imprisoned, but fled to Germany, where he would earn the nickname "Skellum", derived from the German "scheim", meaning "scoundrel". Grenville returned to England years later, in order to join the 1640 army raised by King Charles I against the Scots during the Bishops' Wars. Serving in this army." Why all this detail on Grenville, when the article is about Theodre?
Hall (2015) spends a lot of time on the "side characters" in the life stories of the Paleologi so I suppose some of that filtered through; I've removed some of the detail and made this part more focused on Theodore. See if you think it works better now. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
I believe that St John was Baron St John of Bletso until 1624 and then Earl Bolingbroke and was never a lord. Which source states that he was?
I linked the wrong Oliver St John here (fixed). The source calls him "Lord St John of Bletso" and not "Baron St John of Bletso", but Baron appears to be correct so I'll assume "Lord" is just a mistake. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"Like his father before him, Theodore Junior now served as a professional soldier." As Theodore's brother's military career has not previously been mentioned, and as the prior sentence establishes that he was serving as a professional soldier, this seems redundant, and may be best deleted.
Deleted. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"Soon thereafter, The English Civil War (1642–1651)" → 'In 1642 the English Civil War'.
Done. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"a miserable way to die". PoV, delete.
Yeah, removed. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"his service towards the Parliamentarist cause". "towards" → 'to'.
Done. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"possibly also because of the influence of Theodore's commander, Oliver St John". It is usual to only give a person's surname, or equivalent.
Done I think. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
Cite 2 should be 'pp.', not "p.".
Done. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
Nicol needs an ISSN. (2241-1674)
Added 2241-1674 as ISSN. Ichthyovenator (talk) 17:05, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
Looking good so far. A nice little article. Gog the Mild (talk) 16:19, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
That all looks fine, bar my two resonses above.

Legacy: There seems to be duplication between the first and third sentences. Could one be slimmed down or amalgamated?
Removed the first sentence and rephrased the second sentence. Ichthyovenator (talk) 19:29, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"which reads "THEODORUS PALÆOLOGUS 1644" " seems to be duplicated by "records 'Theodorus Palaeologus 1644' ". Perhaps lose the first mention?
The second mention is of course part of a quote but I can see how it feels repetitive; I've removed the first mention. Ichthyovenator (talk) 19:29, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
"Since then, Theodore Junior's grave has attracted some attention." Optional: delete this, I don't see that it adds any content.
Removed. Ichthyovenator (talk) 19:29, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
And that's all I have. Gog the Mild (talk) 18:40, 5 November 2020 (UTC)

That's everything responded to; many thanks for taking on the review! Ichthyovenator (talk) 19:29, 5 November 2020 (UTC)
No problem. I enjoyed it. Promoting. Gog the Mild (talk) 19:44, 5 November 2020 (UTC)