# Talk:Peter Trombino

This review is transcluded from Talk:Peter Trombino/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Sarastro1 (talk) 11:37, 17 October 2010 (UTC)
Background

Jumps straight in to his career: I would begin by stating which high school he attended, and any other teams you mention. Which are his school teams and which are other teams? It states a lot of achievements but it is not clear who they were for.
I have tried to separate his teams.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:23, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Prose is not great: four successive sentences begin with "he".
Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:23, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Why not begin with his birthplace and any details about his early life and family? It would make more sense to me if it was here rather than at the end.
I have tried to merge the personal content into the main text.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:23, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
And a section should normally begin with the name of the person rather than he: "As a junior in high school, Trombino..."
Not sure I get your point, but the text has been revised.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:25, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
College career

Again, should begin with Trombino, not "he".
O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:35, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Who did he play for in 2004 when he was Rookie of the Year? Who chose him? Why? Presumably he was playing for Princeton, but it should say so in the main body.
O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:35, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Ditto for other awards mentioned.
Should be clearer.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:14, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Prose is hard work: Lots of sentences beginning "he" or "In [year], ..." and some very short sentences.
I have tried to fix this.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:41, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Very brief and sketchy details; a short sentence on each season. Needs expanding, if only to make it more readable. What about games he scored/did well in?
Basically, my experience with WP athlete bios is to add college details for important games.  Generally, this means post season details and conference championship games.  I rarely even read the articles for regular season games to try to find content.  In this case, since we are reliant on The New York Times, I have found every article that mentions came up in a search for his name and found all encyclopedic content.  There are not many places to look for more content.  Basically, the only newspapers that reliably cover college lacrosse are the NYT and the Baltimore Sun.  I can try the Sun.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  05:47, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
I have added what I could find from the Sun, but there was not much more.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  06:50, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Chronology is confusing: why not begin with his first year, details of games, awards; then second yaer, games, awards, etc. Would make it easier to follow.
Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:14, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
I would include details about what he did in college here rather than below.
O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  06:51, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Professional career

Far too short. What did he achieve in the two seasons? How many games? How many goals? How did the team perform?
Not much to add, but I added what I could.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Personal

Typo: Parants.
Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:22, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
"The Influence of Sir William Johnson Among the Iroquois Indians" should be italicised if it is a title, presumably.
Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:22, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Again, sentences "he... he... he..."
Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:22, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Some of the Princeton details would make more sense in his college career to give some background to his college sports. The source also gives more details about his parents.
Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:22, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
General

Sourcing mainly fine (although ref 1 links to page 1 of a 2 page report and Trombino is mentioned on page 2)
Standard format in my experience.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:31, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Ref 11 is a dead link.
Nothing currently in the article is dead according to the tool in the box at the top of this page.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:33, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Odd, seems to be working now. Never mind! --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Any info on his playing style or what made him successful?
Nothing that I could find.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:29, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Prose and lack of comprehensiveness main concerns. Prose is a bare recital of information taken from sources. It needs expanding to make it flow a little more. Comprehensiveness in terms of details of games in each seasons and details of individual games in which he did well (if available).
Did what I could.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR)  13:29, 18 October 2010 (UTC)
Dab links fine.
Image seems OK.
I'll put this on hold for a week, but it shouldn't be too difficult to sort out. And short length is not enough to stop it passing, but more info is out there, even in the sources you have used. --Sarastro1 (talk) 11:37, 17 October 2010 (UTC)

OK, happy with all this now. Prose may need a bit of work if you ever take it to FAC and it may need a clean up for jargon, but fine for GAN. Nice work in a short space of time. Passing it now. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:20, 18 October 2010 (UTC)