# Talk:Dawn Mabalon

This review is transcluded from Talk:Dawn Mabalon/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Canada Hky (talk · contribs) 12:42, 22 March 2019 (UTC)

Hello!  I am happy to review this article for GA status.  When I review, I usually go through and make comments / suggestions as I read, and then once everything has been addressed / discussed, I run through the official checklist to make sure I didn't miss anything.  Canada Hky (talk) 12:42, 22 March 2019 (UTC)


### Initial thoughts
The lead should be expanded to accurately address the full scope of the article.  One sentence per section is a good starting point.
"Mabalon's grandfather, Pablo "Ambo" Mabalon, ran the Lafayette Lunch Counter;[4] it was frequented by Carlos Bulosan, run as a Filipino restaurant until 1983, and was later torn down in 1999" - A lot is being said in this sentence, and it may be clearer if it was broken up a bit more, and unnecessary details removed.
"Mabalon was also the niece of the Cordovas;[8] they were some of the founders of the Filipino American National Historical Society.[9]" - this sentence does not adequately identify the Cordovas - is it referring to the family, a single couple, etc.  First names would be helpful to identify the individuals referred to here.
Much of the material from the 'Other Activities' section would be better placed into longer context in the 'Career' section.  Those single sentences may seem like trivia if left in isolation.
'Getting her ashore, 9-1-1 was called, CPR was attempted by paramedics, and she was transported to an emergency room' - this sentence switches tenses and could be more encyclopedic.
No issue with the image, properly tagged and appropriately used.
No copyvio obvious.  Sources are accurately represented in the text.
Ref 9 - no access date.
ref 11 - is this two separate references that have gotten combined via formatting glitch?  I can't tell and I don't want to make a change incorrectly.  Same with 17 and 23.
Can some of the external links be worked into the article as references?  It is a long-ish list for a relatively short article.
These are my initial comments.  If anything needs clarification, I am happy to help!  Canada Hky (talk) 17:09, 22 March 2019 (UTC)

@Canada Hky: I have expanded the lead of the article.
The sentence regarding the subject's grandfather's restaurant is to show her connection to other notable, and historically relevant, Filipino Americans. The restaurant served as a cross roads for many Filipino Americans in the early and mid 20th century, who at that time were largely transitory following jobs in the aquaculture and agricultural sectors. Therefore, I have expanded upon it.
The expansion looks good.  I made some grammar tweaks.  Could you please check that I haven't changed any meaning?
The Cordovas were family to the subject, as well as a couple. I have stated each individually, and added a reference for clarification.
The Other activities section was created due to the process of getting the article on the main page for DYK, and was created by Yoninah (talk · contribs) during a copy edit, which was part of a larger copy edit effort. Should this work be undone?
I wouldn't undo it, but a section like that with multiple one sentence paragraphs is out of place in a good article.  All of those items seem to be part of her career, and I think could be folded into that section in the appropriate chronological period.
I have attempted to fix the issues with the tense.
Thank you, I have made a few more tweaks, and I think it reads better now.
I have added an access date.
For references 11, 17, 23, see WP:CITEBUNDLE.
My apologies - thank you for that policy!
The external links follow WP:ELMAYBE and WP:ELYES. While some can be made into inline sources, can a obit from FANHS, a speech by a California State Assemblyman, and a podcast be considered reliable sources?
Perhaps not for content, but could the speech by the Assemblyman (the fact that it happened) be included in part of the death and legacy section?
If there are any other things I can do to improve this article for elevation for GA, please let me know.--RightCowLeftCoast (Moo) 20:31, 23 March 2019 (UTC)
Thanks for your work on this!  I think if we can get the Other Work section folded in, we are basically good to go!  Canada Hky (talk) 13:19, 24 March 2019 (UTC)

@Canada Hky: I modified the wording in the "Early life and education" and added more citations. My understanding is inline citations usually come at the end of sentences or after semicolons, so I also modified that to keep consistency in style.
I have also folded in the Other works section, as requested.
Please let me know if there is anything else needed to be done.--RightCowLeftCoast (Moo) 01:19, 28 March 2019 (UTC)


### Templated review
GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not) Thank you for your effort in improving this article.  I made a few tweaks, and I think everything is good to go now.
It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar):  b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): 

It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section):  b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR):  d (copyvio and plagiarism): 

It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects):  b (focused): 

It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias: 

It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.: 

It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales):  b (appropriate use with suitable captions): 

Overall: Congratulations!  It was enjoyable to read the article and I had the opportunity to learn something!Canada Hky (talk) 23:25, 30 March 2019 (UTC)
Pass/Fail: