# Talk:Byron McLaughlin

This review is transcluded from Talk:Byron McLaughlin/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Brad78 (talk) 15:01, 2 January 2011 (UTC)

Lead
Although the lead is good, it seems too long according to the length of the actual article, per WP:LEAD. Two paragraphs would be much more appropriate. Try and either trim down the details or write what's there more concisely.
 Done Trimmed to two. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:12, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"McLaughlin, a right-handed pitcher, had a compiled a major league record" needs rewording; "had a compiled a" particularly isn't correct.
 Done Fixed. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:12, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"he did start on occasion." A bit inexact and very informal. Do you more precise details to change this?
 Done Reworded. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:12, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"bouncing around" is also very informal and journalistic jargon.
 Done Removed. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:12, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"McLaughlin was traded the Minnesota Twins," Should this be "traded to"?
 Done Yes, but it's been removed in the trimming. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:12, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Early life
"He would then go on to attend Los Angeles Valley College." Don't incorrectly mix tenses. This should just be "He went on to attend..." or something similar. Just use the past tense, not the pluperfect or future perfect tenses.
 Done --Muboshgu (talk) 00:14, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Early career
"He was assigned the their minor league organization" Should this be "to their minor ..."?
 Done --Muboshgu (talk) 00:14, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Why did the Expos release him?
That is hard to know. We may not be able to get that information. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:14, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Mariners
"That was his only major league appearance that season." Do you have a reference for this?
That is in the game logs of Baseball Reference, listed in the external links.  Does it need an inline citation? --Muboshgu (talk) 00:14, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Inline citations are always best. People don't always know what to look for in external links. Brad78 (talk) 01:32, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Added; modified sentence so it didn't feel forced. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 04:13, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"On August 14, it was reported by The Miami News that McLaughlin was carrying a .357 Magnum when he traveled.[22] It was discovered that he was carrying the weapon when Mariners trainer Gary Nicholson, who taking McLaughlin's bags through airport security, was detained by authorities after the bag set off the metal detector." What's the relevance of this? It seems a bit like trivia, which either needs some context, moving to the section later on, or removing.
 Done Removed, doesn't seem relevant at all. --Muboshgu (talk) 00:19, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"With Seattle that season, McLaughlin compiled a record of 7–7 with a 4.22 with 14 saves, and 74 strikeouts in 47 games, seven starts." Could do with another reference. As does the next paragraph.
Later career
"With the Indians that season, McLaughlin went 1–0 with a 1.26 ERA, and nine strikeouts in six games, one of which was a start." Needs a reference.
"When ask what it felt like to be back in the majors, McLaughlin responded," Presumbaly "when asked"?
 Done --Muboshgu (talk) 00:19, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"McLaughlin would go on to comment" Should be "went on to comment"
 Done "McLaughlin commented..." --Muboshgu (talk) 00:19, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
"However, McLaughlin continued to play in the California minor league system, and even returned to the majors in September.[32] In the minors that year, he played for the Triple-A Edmonton Trappers and the Double-A Beaumont Golden Gators, going a combined 5–4 with a 4.26 ERA in 26 games in 961⁄3 innings pitched. With the Angels, McLaughlin compiled a 2–4 record with a 5.17 ERA, and 45 strikeouts in 16 games, seven of which were starts." Needs referencing.
Later life
Numbers above 10 should be spelled out in numbers.
 Done --Muboshgu (talk) 00:19, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
Others
One disambig link in the toolbox above needs fixing.
 Done --Muboshgu (talk) 00:20, 14 January 2011 (UTC)
One deadlink to reference 20 "A's Deck Mariners Again" too.
Generally the article is fine, although a bit stat-heavy. It does, however, need a good prove read to pick up minor grammatical errors, most of which I think I've highlighted above. Once those points, as well as referencing and a few other issues I've pointed out, this should be a pass. I'll put on hold for the time being. Brad78 (talk) 16:43, 3 January 2011 (UTC)

Further comments
"With the Indians that season, McLaughlin went 1–0 with a 1.26 ERA, and nine strikeouts in six games, one of which was a start." Still needs a reference.
As does "In the minors that year, he played for the Triple-A Edmonton Trappers and the Double-A Beaumont Golden Gators, going a combined 5–4 with a 4.26 ERA in 26 games in 961⁄3 innings pitched. With the Angels, McLaughlin compiled a 2–4 record with a 5.17 ERA, and 45 strikeouts in 16 games, seven of which were starts."
The deadlink reference hasn't been fixed or changed.
Otherwise, will be a pass when they're fixed. Brad78 (talk) 14:52, 21 January 2011 (UTC)

Issues now fixed. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 04:34, 22 January 2011 (UTC)
The final paragraph of the Mariners section still needs a reference. Brad78 (talk) 00:43, 26 January 2011 (UTC)
GA review (see here for criteria)
It is reasonably well written.
a (prose):  b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): 

It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references):  b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR): 

It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects):  b (focused): 

It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias: 

It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.: 

It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales):  b (appropriate use with suitable captions): 

Overall:
Pass/Fail: 
Brad78 (talk) 23:53, 26 January 2011 (UTC)