# Talk:C. Edmund Kells

This review is transcluded from Talk:C. Edmund Kells/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: AryKun (talk · contribs) 08:12, 2 September 2021 (UTC)
Pretty comprehensive article, but the prose could be tightened up a bit. Here's What I've got so far. AryKun (talk) 08:35, 2 September 2021 (UTC)

"cancer was spreading up his" → "cancer has started spreading up his"
Thanks for the review. In this case, I don't like started because it had most likely started much earlier than that (though we don't know for sure). Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
"Kells fatally shot himself" → The phrasing is a bit odd, "committed suicide" sounds better
I would be open to other phrasing, but I'd like to avoid suicide if possible. There's a long-running debate about the potentially offensive nature of “committed”, while the proposed alternative ("died by suicide”) has never sounded quite right to me. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
"Born in New Orleans on October 21, 1856, Kells was the son of" → "Born in New Orleans on October 21, 1856 to"
I prefer the original since it retains the subject of the sentence. Will try to tweak the wording if I can better understand the objection. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
" Achsah (née Cook)" → "Achsah Kells (née Cook)"
This is a fairly common way of delineating the names of parents on WP and saves us from redundancy. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
You should probably add a bit about when in Kells' life the Civil War occurred (i.e. what age he was when it happened) before the part about his memories of the Civil War.
The source doesn't specify. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
"so he missed" → "and consequently missed"
I'd prefer to keep the shorter construction here, but again, I'll reword if there's a specific issue with the original. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
"The governor was restored to power after three days, but Kells later" → "Although the governor was restored to power after three days, Kells later"
Done. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
Wikilink New York College of Dentistry.
Done. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
"and while he was in New York, he often visited the laboratory of Thomas Edison in Menlo Park, New Jersey." → "And often visited Thomas Edison's laboratory at Menlo Park while he was in New York."
I felt like switching the clauses around could introduce confusion (about who was in New York - Kells or Edison), but I did change "laboratory of Thomas Edison" to "Thomas Edison's laboratory". Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
"Returning to New Orleans" → "After returning to New Orleans"
"made it so that women could" → "allowed women to"
"Wilhelm Röntgen discovered X-rays in 1895, and Kells" → "After the discovery of X-rays in 1895, Kells" Also, wiki link X-rays.
"aspirate fluid or irrigate a body" → either wiki link aspirate and irrigate or explain what they mean.
"treatments, and he refused" → "treatments, and his refusal"
"X-rays to attempt to justify" → "X-rays to justify"
"dentistry but included" → "dentistry, but also included"
Are the costs of his houses and plots really relevant in the personal life section? Feels like WP:TRIVIA.
Everything else seems fine with the article. AryKun (talk) 06:36, 13 September 2021 (UTC)
Hey, @Larry Hockett:, will you be finishing up the rest of the suggestions? AryKun (talk) 09:31, 21 September 2021 (UTC)
Ah, sorry about that. I did not notice the rest of the feedback. My home internet has been down, so I'm mostly doing vandalism patrolling from my phone. I'll try to get somewhere with a connection this week where I can knock out the rest of the feedback. Thanks for the message. Larry Hockett (Talk) 20:40, 21 September 2021 (UTC)
AryKun, apologies for the delay. I think I've addressed the feedback above. I did remove the costs of the house and the lot. Thanks for the review. Let me know if I can address anything else. Larry Hockett (Talk) 00:50, 23 September 2021 (UTC)
Everything else is all good, so I'll be passing the article. AryKun (talk) 16:07, 26 September 2021 (UTC)