# Talk:Eir Aoi

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This review is transcluded from Talk:Eir Aoi/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Maplestrip (talk · contribs) 10:51, 14 November 2018 (UTC)
I shall be reviewing this article today, as part of a review trade deal I made with Narutolovehinata5 on Discord. Just skimming the article at a first glance, it seems a bit short and only really has one prose section. This lack of subdivisions in the prose doesn't necessarily keep it from reaching GA status, however. I'll go through the article more thoroughly today; please be patient ^_^ ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 10:51, 14 November 2018 (UTC)


### Review
GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar):  b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): 
The prose can use a bit of work, as it currently reads more like a list of singles she released. See also "broad in its coverage", the article just doesn't go into the kind of detail that might be interesting for readers.
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section):  b (citations to reliable sources):  c (OR):  d (copyvio and plagiarism): 
Most of the content of the article is reliably sourced, with a few exceptions as listed in comments section below. Nothing controversial seems to be going on, though, so this isn't really keeping the article from passing.
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects):  b (focused): 
Two studio albums do not seem to be mentioned in the prose at all.
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias: 

It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.: 

It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales):  b (appropriate use with suitable captions): 
Images are good, are used right, and have proper licensing.
Overall:
Pass/Fail: 

I cannot pass this article as-is, as I believe it has a few too many issues. I'll give you time to go through the comments listed below and try to improve the article. Best of luck. ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 14:01, 14 November 2018 (UTC)


### Comments
At least a few of these comments should be processed before I will pass this article. A few of these are pretty minor, while others are more important. ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 14:01, 14 November 2018 (UTC)

The lead sections states that Aoi has performed at anime conventions in the United States, Southeast Asia, and Europe. Besides the fact that this order seems odd (not alphabetical, nor ordered by any kind of relevance as far as I can see), the source given does not really support the claim, as it gives a much wider perspective: "20 concerts overseas in Asia, Europe, North and South America."
The "J!-ENT" interview is not properly cited, as it's basically a bare link with an access date.
Not sure if J!-ENT Online is a reliable source, but I'll allow it for the one fact it is used for.
I assume there is literally no other early life information to find on Aoi?
Aoi's discovery through Niconico is not confirmed by the sources given (Rockin'On Japan and Oricon).
I would wonder if you can't write more prose about BLAU, Aoi's first studio album. The Natalie interview cited does seem to include some potentially interesting information.
I find the second paragraph in the Biography section very amusing, as most of its sentences start with "Her xth single,". This might actually be optimal, as it reads easily.
Prayer is not mentioned in the prose. It does not count as her first album?
Aube is not mentioned in prose; the prose does not mention her "second album" at all.
"Aoi cancelled a scheduled appearance at Animelo Summer Live in August 2015" – The reason for the cancellation should be noted here. This could be "sudden illness" or "doctor's orders" or something along those lines. Right now, it is technically unclear why she "pushed through."
Isn't "Cynthia no Hikari" her eleventh single?
Can't you say more about Best -E- and Best -A-, such as which songs appear on them?
"with the release of the music video "Yakusoku" (約束 Promise) YouTube version." – This feels like an incorrect usage of grammar. "the music video 'X' YouTube version" seems a weird thing to say, and I am not entirely certain how to interpret it.
I believe there may be another photograph of Aoi from Commons that could be used somewhere in the article, to spice things up a bit. There are quite a few!
The "Singles" table could potentially use a new column, with a title along the lines of "Television usage", showing in which anime each of the songs are used. I am not sure if this is common, however.
Thanks for the feedback, I can start working on the rest by tomorrow. I'm actually planning on writing a "musical style and influences" section to explain more about her career. As for the information about her early life... it's complicated. There's actually quite a lot of information about her pre-music life (she was originally a fashion model, and before that a gravure model), but the link is not confirmed in reliable sources, only Japanese social media. I'm not sure if a mention would be allowed per WP:BLP, though. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 15:46, 14 November 2018 (UTC)
1) I'm happy to put this review on hold while you expand the article and potentially add information/sections that I have not even proposed. I'll be happy to review these when you believe they are ready. 2) The article does not need an extensive early life section to pass for GA, and I do value secondary sources way more than primary ones. I do not intend to force you to write about something that is not covered by reliable independent sources. That being said, what are the best sources (primary or otherwise) we could use to cite some information about her early life? We can discuss potential ways to incorporate some more information if you want. ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 15:52, 14 November 2018 (UTC)
I suppose her blogs could be a good place to start. Interviews could also be a productive source of information; since those are planned to be the sources for the upcoming style section, I suppose I can hit two birds with one stone there. I also read that she was a big fan of the Digimon franchise, and later on in her career she did sing a song for a Digimon game, so I could try incorporating that into the article. As for the awkward grammar, most of the pre-SAO and post-2015 content were written by other users, so that could be a factor. I'll try working on the sourcing and grammar tomorrow as it's getting late, then the style section will follow. There's also this source which discusses how she initially hid her face after her debut and she didn't reveal her face until around the time of her 3rd single: can this be in the article? Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 16:04, 14 November 2018 (UTC)
I am not particularly aware of animeanime.jp, and the website is not listed on WP:ANIME/RS, but it looks fairly reliable, so I don't see why it couldn't be used. It is interesting that she did not fully reveal her face until this specific live show. Her being a fan of the Digimon franchise as a child is relatively unlikely to be relevant in the early life section, unless she was a particularly big fan. Feel free to post the source you may want to cite here first. ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 19:46, 15 November 2018 (UTC)
@Maplestrip: I've addressed as much as possible some of the most pressing issues that were raised above. The bare references have now been expanded, the lede has been reworded, and the missing releases have been added to the prose. "Cynthia no Hikari" was a digital release so as far as I could tell it wasn't officially considered as one of her numbered singles. I've added some information on her best albums, and I added a second image of her, from her appearance in Russia. Have your concerns been addressed? I'm still not finished with the style section, so if yes, I'd suggest you not pass this until I'm done with it. Thanks. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 03:37, 15 November 2018 (UTC)

You have improved the article so much that I would feel comfortable passing it in its current state, but of course I'll be very happy to see you produce a section like this in the article, and I would be more than happy to review it. I'll keep the review on hold for a while longer. Do keep in mind, however, that it is typically preferred to have the article "ready" when you GAN it. This review preferably shouldn't take much longer than a week. I know you're a quick editor, though, so we'll see what happens ^_^ ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 19:46, 15 November 2018 (UTC)
@Maplestrip: I'm done adding the style section. Hoping it's good enough and waiting for your feedback. Is the article good enough for GA now? Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 04:42, 16 November 2018 (UTC)
With four new paragraphs added to the article, I have a few new comments. Despite the fact that you added a lot of prose, the article still seems of high quality!

The article states at one point that she did not show her face at all, while in fact she only hid part of her face (her mouth area).
Aoi describes the internet as a tool to "connect the world," not "connect with the world."
"make dreams come true" sounds a bit corny and should definitely be in quotation marks if we keep it in.
"In an interview with the website JpopAsia, Aoi detailed her experiences in performing and writing songs for anime." – this line actually adds very little to the article. I recommend getting rid of it and edit the rest of the paragraph a bit so it still flows.
Thanks for the new comments Mable. I think I've been able to address all of the issues you've raised so far: I've added some more information about Blau in both the Biography and Style sections, the J-ENT! reference has been fixed, and the awkward wording raised above has been rephrased. As for the tables part, it's rather uncommon actually to have a list of tie-ups in tables on the English Wikipedia (it's more common in the Japanese one though) so I suppose that part is at best optional. In any case, the tie-ups are mentioned in the prose anyway, though I'm willing to add a separate table for that if you think it's necessary. Hoping this is good now. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 23:42, 16 November 2018 (UTC)

Definitely do not create a whole separate table for it! The only concern I am now left with, is that I do not understand the connection between "real sadness" or "fun expressions" and sounding like an adult. Moreover, her "previous releases" would just be Prayer, right? Regardless, I'll just pass the article now, as it meets all the GA criteria. Congrats! ~Maplestrip/Mable (chat) 18:14, 17 November 2018 (UTC)