# Talk:Murder of Jastine Valdez

This review is transcluded from Talk:Murder of Jastine Valdez/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Nominator: WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk · contribs) 15:46, 18 July 2024 (UTC)
Reviewer: IntentionallyDense (talk · contribs) 21:37, 29 October 2024 (UTC)

I will review this shortly. IntentionallyDense (talk) 21:37, 29 October 2024 (UTC)

This isn't what I expect from a GA lead. A well written lead shouldn't need citations and should be at least one good sized paragraph (preferably at least 2). See Wikipedia:How to create and manage a good lead section for more guidance. IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
i have reworded, please review WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:47, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
Is there a reason why you have bolded the vehicle numbers? IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
to make it stand out amongst the other text, can undo if you like ? WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:02, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
I dont think it needs to be bolded. IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:10, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
i will unbold the text WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 07:18, 31 October 2024 (UTC)
Thanks! IntentionallyDense (talk) 15:28, 31 October 2024 (UTC)
She was born in Aritao on the northern island of Luzon in the Philippines, and raised there from a young age by her maternal grandparents Marcelina and Alfredo Caluza, after her own parents had emigrated to Ireland in search of work. This sentence is a bit hard to follow and long. Could you rephrase? IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
yes, i have rephrased, i was adding to the original test so it was a bit jumbled WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:06, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
There is a bit of WP:PROSELINE going on in the section "Abduction in Enniskerry" specifically the way that you start a lot of the sentences with either a time or date. IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
i did this on purpose to give the reader a feel for the short timeline of the abduction and presumed time of death, but will rephrase WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:07, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
Is the correct spelling "Gardaí" or "Garda"? You use both spellings which is a bit confusing. IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
we use the two words interchangeably in Ireland, which i agree is a bit confusing ! the official name for the police is "Garda Síochána", however a group of police men uses the plural "Gardaí" while a single policeman is a "Garda", and we would also refer to the actual police force itself as the Garda or a police car as a "garda car" ... in other words both spellings are correct  WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:18, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
Okay sounds good. IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:10, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
For consistency purposes it may be best to stick to either referring to the subject by her last or first name. IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
agreed, i will use her last name WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:19, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
Could you put the timezone for the times (just putting it by the first time mentioned should be fine). IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
done WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:25, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
They then witnessed Hennessy bend into the passenger footwell, and believing Valdez to be in the car and Hennessy was about to slit her throat, the Detective Garda fired one shot at Hennessy from his service revolver. The wording here is a bit awkward and hard to follow, could you try to rephrase it a bit? IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
done WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:28, 30 October 2024 (UTC)
after a post-mortem was conducted did you mean to say after a post-mortem autopsy was conducted? IntentionallyDense (talk) 22:18, 29 October 2024 (UTC)
yes, i have replaced the text WorldTravleerAndPhotoTaker (talk) 09:29, 30 October 2024 (UTC)