# Talk:Dee Duponte

This review is transcluded from Talk:Dee Duponte/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 23:00, 3 January 2022 (UTC)
can review


### Prose and other miscellany
(Apologies, got swamped with work this week)

A four paragraph lede feels like a lot for an article of this size (MOS:LEADLENGTH), could it be condensed at all?
I gave it a try. See what you think?
The sentence beginning "In 1948, she was" feels rather run-on-y to me. Could it be, perhaps, split up or rephrased? For instance, is "during an election campaign season" even needed, as it could well be garnered from context?
Rephrased to "In 1948, she was fired; she claimed that the firing was motivated by her support for her husband Harold Duponte's campaign to be County Attorney as a Democrat." Better, I think?
suggest reviewing for overlinks, I remoed links to education and secretary. Similar broad concept links are probably not needed
Overlinks are an Achilles' heel of mine. I appreciate the removals you made. I made a few others.
"Duponte went on to run" could this be quantified? Even if just "After being fired,"
Added!
What does "last-minute campaign" in this context mean? surely not literally last minute
Surely not, but the source isn't any more specific. Changed to "after beginning her campaign late in the election season" which I feel is less idiomatic while still being supported by the source. Made a similar change for both occurrences of "last-minute".
" Duponte served two terms in the Territorial House" suggest adding the term length
The source doesn't say, and I don't want to add original research
" a controversial figure" is there anything to add about the controvery? controversial to whom? for the actions the next sentence describes?
Clarified – what I have there now is all the source says on the subject
"difficulties caused by her" could this be elaborated upon at all?
I wish it could - but not with the source currently used, and I haven't been able to find a more detailed one on the subject, though that doesn't mean it isn't out there.
If we know how long the couple were married, suggest adding the approximate year of their marrieage earlier in the text.
Great suggestion! Done.
Just some thoughts, prose is generally fine. Nothing super major. Suggestions, all. Will be back with source check. Eddie891  Talk Work  02:55, 7 January 2022 (UTC)

Thanks so much for reviewing, Eddie891, and please don't feel any rush – real life takes priority. I've made changes based on your suggestions and will look forward to the source check! ezlev (user/tlk/ctrbs) 04:23, 7 January 2022 (UTC)
Happy with your changes to date. Eddie891  Talk Work  19:41, 9 January 2022 (UTC)
Image seems licensed appropriately Eddie891  Talk Work  19:41, 9 January 2022 (UTC)
I haven't found much that would substantially add Eddie891  Talk Work  19:45, 9 January 2022 (UTC)
sources seem reliable Eddie891  Talk Work  19:45, 9 January 2022 (UTC)
one thing about the sources I checked doesn't line up: this cites a Louisville birthplace. suggest mentioning both.  Happy to pass after that point is resolved. Eddie891  Talk Work  19:53, 9 January 2022 (UTC)
That article also says she came to Hawaii in 1958, which is off by more than two decades according to the other sources – that's why I chose not to cite that source except for details about her death and funeral. Happy to add it if you still think it should be added, Eddie891, but I want to double-check with you first since details suggest that source may be inaccurate. Let me know! ezlev (user/tlk/ctrbs) 00:59, 10 January 2022 (UTC)
No, that is fair. I've done similar things at May Childs Nerney and Fabian Ware-- Obituaries can be iffy particularly when they just contain funeral information. Happy to pass Eddie891  Talk Work  01:17, 10 January 2022 (UTC)