# Talk:2016 Camellia Bowl

This review is transcluded from Talk:2016 Camellia Bowl/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 15:21, 19 March 2021 (UTC)

Hi there! I'll be reviewing this page within the next week or so. For full transparency, I have made two edits to this page (22 Dec 2016 and 23 Dec 2016), though they were merely adding statistics to, and updating formatting on, a table that no longer exists within the article; I had nothing to do with the article's expansion. Note also that this is my first GA review, so I'll try my best! PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 15:21, 19 March 2021 (UTC)
I have added some comments on the first few sections, I should get to the rest of the article in the coming days. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 07:16, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
I've finished with the rest of the comments below. Thanks for your patience. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 05:02, 23 March 2021 (UTC)
Placing on hold for now, take as much time as you need to address further changes. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 02:22, 25 March 2021 (UTC)


### Lead
"Played on December 17, 2016 at the Cramton Bowl..." → add comma after 2016
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
"it was the third edition of the bowl game" → I'd specify that it was the third edition of the Camellia Bowl, specifically
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
"Division I-FBS" → I think the hyphen is included for "Division I-A", but not for "Division I FBS"
Done. Toa Nidhiki05
"a share of the Sun Belt conference championship" → capitalize "Conference", as the game is the championship of the Sun Belt Conference
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
"The Rockets entered the game as one-point favorites, but the matchup was widely expected to be competitive" → reword this slightly, since the fact that Toledo was a one-point favorite supports the expectation for a competitive game instead of contradicting it.
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)


### Team selection
"with a team from the Mid-American Conference" → add "(MAC)" after "Mid-American Conference" to specify since "MAC" is used elsewhere in the article
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
"The game's creation was requested by the two conferences, lower-tier conferences in Division I-Football Bowl Subdivision (Division I-FBS) that desired additional bowl bids." → this sentence reads awkwardly, I'd reword this to eliminate repetition and see if the comma can be dropped (and nix the hyphens on Division I-FBS).
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)
"Although the Rockets had the 4th-ranked offense in the nation as compared to 55th for the Mountaineers, the 15th-ranked Mountaineer defense was ranked well above the 55th-ranked Toledo defense." → I would be consistent with how you refer to each team; you refer to App State as "Mountaineers" twice but use "Toledo" and "Rockets" once each in that sentence.
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 17:43, 22 March 2021 (UTC)


#### App State
"Appalachian State nearly upset the #9-ranked Tennessee Volunteers" → "No. 9 Tennessee Volunteers"; per MOS:POUND, the "#" symbol should not be used as a number indicator.
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:30, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
"falling 20–13 in double overtime" → "falling 13–20 in double overtime" - typically, the team in question's score comes first, rather than the winner's score regardless. Also applies to "45–10" loss to Miami and "28–24" loss to Troy
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:30, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
"12 Appalachian State players were named..." → WP:NUMNOTES advises to avoid starting a sentence with a number
Done. Toa Nidhiki05
"...but had recorded 872 rushing yards and eight touchdowns..." → since the first figure is represented by numerals (872), it's better to do the same for the second as well.
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:30, 24 March 2021 (UTC)


#### Toledo
"...but had won the 2015 Boca Raton Bowl against #24 Temple." → change to "No. 24 Temple", per above
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
"The Rockets only losses..." → "Rockets" is possessive, so add an apostrophe and change to "The Rockets' only losses"
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
In the start of the second paragraph, swap the order of the scores for losses and replace "#" with "No."
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)
"they would won the West division" → "they would have won the West division"
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:18, 24 March 2021 (UTC)


### Game summary
#### Broadcast and game notes
"was broadcast on television on ESPN and on radio at ESPN Radio." → sounds more natural to me to say it was broadcast "by" xyz rather than broadcast "on" xyz
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
specify the conference that the referee crew represented
Done, but had to add a new source.. Toa Nidhiki05 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"ended at 8:00" → "ended at 8:00 p.m."
isn't the eight implied? PM is already used earlier and it specifies the length overall as less than four hours. Toa Nidhiki05 00:44, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
Good point, struck. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 05:34, 26 March 2021 (UTC)


#### First quarter
"...Nick Ellis punted the ball on fourth down to Jaquil Capel of Appalachian State, who fair caught the ball at..." → gets a little repetitive, with "ball" in there twice
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"...but were called for pass interference..." → link to pass interference
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"...and the extra point from Jameson Vest made tied the game at 7–7." → doesn't read very well, I'd leave out "made"
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
I'd be consistent with how you refer to yard lines; although MOS says to write out numbers from zero to nine, I think consistency is more important here. I'd go with numerals for all yard lines (that is, 8-yard line rather than eight-yard line).
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:04, 26 March 2021 (UTC)


#### Second quarter
"...but the return was called back due to a holding penalty." → link "holding penalty" to Holding (American football)
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"seven-play" → "7-play" for consistency within the sentence
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"Appalachian State fair caught the punt at their 28-yard line, but a personal foul penalty pushed the ball back..." → link "fair caught" to fair catch and "personal foul penalty" to Personal foul (American football)
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"nine-play" → "9-play", as above
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 02:00, 26 March 2021 (UTC)


#### Third quarter
"fourth-down conversion" → hyphen is unneeded
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"On the ensuing drive, Toledo answered with their own touchdown drive - a 14-play, 75-yard drive that ended with a four-yard touchdown pass from Woodside to Thompson." → I'd reword to make this a touch less repetitive (emphasis is mine)
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"five-play" → "5-play", as above
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"...a Moore rush for no yards, before the half expired." → This occurred at the end of a quarter, as opposed to the end of a half.
Corrected. Toa Nidhiki05 01:57, 26 March 2021 (UTC)


#### Fourth quarter
"third-down run" → hyphen is unneeded
Done. Toa Nidhiki05
"third and 11" → "3rd and 11", since you use "4th and 1" and "4th and 7" later in the paragraph.
done. Toa Nidhiki05 00:55, 26 March 2021 (UTC)
"Corey Jones returned the ensuing kickoff the Toledo 43-yard line." → "...kickoff to the Toledo..."
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 00:55, 26 March 2021 (UTC)


### Aftermath
"...down 25 and 20% from the previous year's..." → I'd add a percent sign after "25" as well, just to make it as easy to read as possible.
Done. Toa Nidhiki05 18:09, 24 March 2021 (UTC)


### Overall assessment
My concerns have been addressed, so I am passing. Congrats, well done. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 05:34, 26 March 2021 (UTC)