# Talk:BlackBerry Bold 9700

This review is transcluded from Talk:BlackBerry Bold 9700/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.
Reviewer: Seabuckthorn (talk · contribs) 23:00, 26 February 2014 (UTC)
Nominator: Prism △
Hi! My review for this article will be here shortly.  --Seabuckthorn ♥ 23:00, 26 February 2014 (UTC)

1: Well-written

a. Prose is "clear and concise", without copyvios, or spelling and grammar errors: 
b. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists: 

2: Verifiable with no original research

a. Has an appropriate reference section:  Yes
b. Citation to reliable sources where necessary:  excellent (Thorough check on Google.)

c. No original research:   Done

3: Broad in its coverage

4: Neutral

5: Stable: No edit wars, etc:  Yes
6: Images  Done (Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 license) (Creative Commons Attribution 1.0 License)

I'm glad to see your work here. As per the above checklist, I do have some insights that I think will be useful in improving the article: 
Check for clarity, flow and neutrality:  (I suggest you reword the following. Please feel free to disagree.)

"Other visual changes were carried out in order to appeal both men and women."
I changed it to both sexes.
"Upon its release, the BlackBerry Bold 9700 garnered generally positive reception from critics." (shorten?)
Shortened.
"The first rumor reported that a trio of devices were being developed as high-end smartphones, codenamed Onyx, Driftwood and Magnum." (rumor was … ? Recommend replacing "rumor" with "speculation" and it’s synonyms throughout.)
Replaced.
"The same day, other information regarding technicalities were revealed on a surfaced AT&T filesheet about the smartphone." (jargon – reword for the nonspecialist reader.)
Is it better now?
"A previous prototype with a trackball was put up for sale on eBay, where it passed the mark of $600;[7] four days later, a pre-launch list of then-upcoming smartphones for AT&T surfaced online on August 9, 2009, which listed the device." (Make it clear and easy by breaking into short sentences.)
The sentences are now separated.
Can you rephrase the second para of the Announcement and release subsection to boost clarity and flow? The para is too unstructured without clear and easy flow. (The para starts with Germany, talks of "select business costumers" (country?), then moves to US, then a Thai website, mixes up North America and Canada, returns back to US and finally to "Team Canada")
I think it's better now.
"The device was officially presented in Bochum, Germany, where it was entirely developed, on October 21, 2009 by BlackBerry (then known as RIM) vice chairman Mike Lazaridis." (Can you simplify?)
Simplified to only cover the essential.
"Boy Genius Report reported on November 4 of that year that the smartphone would be available early five days later for "select business costumers"."
Reworded.
Can you rephrase the Hardware subsection to boost clarity and flow? The para is too non-encyclopedic, I believe, and reads more like a technical manual. I’d recommend simple encyclopedic language. I’d like to request you to take a look at Mission section of this FA – Apollo 8 which organizes technicalities into clear and free flowing prose.
I have rephrased it.
"The smartphone considerably reduces its predecessor's sizes, measuring 4.3 by 2.4 by 6 inches (10.92, 6.09 and 15.24 centimeters, respectively)."  (the company reduces sizes?)
Reworded.
"The model changes its predecessor's trackball to an optical trackpad,[24] with simple functionalities such as swiping the thumb to move it and press it to make a selection." (same as above)
Reworded.
"This change eliminated potential frustrations for device users, including the accumulation of dust behind the trackball." (colourful vague words, I’d say, for a technical article.)
Reworded.
"Similarly to previous BlackBerry models, BlackBerry 9700 has a 35-key QWERTY-type physical keyboard, which is smaller than that of Bold 9000.[23][25]." (Similar to?)
Reworded.
"On the top of the device, there are two buttons that respectively lock or mute it; on the right side of it, rubberized keys are found, which can either control the audio volume or the music player; further down, there is a camera shutter key." (respectively – unnecessary. I like this sentence because its clear and flows freely. May be you can model the rest of the paragraph like this, I’d say.)
Removed.
"For the Bold 9700, the system came with upgrades, specifically for Messaging, Calendar and Browser applications; support for BlackBerry Enterprise Server (BES) and BlackBerry Internet Service, the latter allowing having up to 10 personal or business-oriented POP3 or IMAP4 e-mail accounts registered." (Break it! The sentence loses flow after the semi colon.)
Separated sentences.
"The software also comes with "personal information management tools" and pre-loaded applications, such as a calculator, a clock, a task list and Documents To Go; along with more downloads found in BlackBerry World (then BlackBerry App World), though extra applications can only be downloaded to the smartphone's main memory and not to the microSD memory card." (same as above. Too long.)
Separated.
The Critical reception section should be rephrased because it has significant neutrality issues. I’d recommend you fine tune the wording a bit. I’d like to request you to refer the Reception in other FAs, mainly from Music category.
Can you use more quotes from critics in the reception section to preserve neutrality? I’d recommend you tell the reader what critics said rather than taking a position yourself like "He commended … ", "Mokey favored … ", "He was less positive", etc.
Avoid "awarded", "commended", "criticism", "favored", "", "less positive", "more mixed", "relatively dissapointed", "lack of originality", "preferred", "showed herself satisfied", "she was happy", "noting", "more negative"
"Jamie Lendino and Sascha Segan from PC Magazine, who respectively reviewed the AT&T and T-Mobile versions, gave the smartphone a rating of four out of five points—the former favored the robust design, the display, voice quality and its long battery life; the latter also highlighted the form of the keyboard and Wi-Fi calling, while she was more negative about the browser and its lack of originality." (Break it! Make it clear, simple and easy to follow.)
Could you help me with the last four points? I don't know how to do what you've asked for as it will become a quote farm. Prism △ 15:48, 28 February 2014 (UTC)
Besides that, I think the article looks excellent. All the best,  --Seabuckthorn ♥ 23:11, 27 February 2014 (UTC)

Hi! I'm sorry for the delay. I recently reviewed Mom & Me & Mom. Can you write Critical reception section on these lines? All the best,  --Seabuckthorn ♥ 21:41, 4 March 2014 (UTC)

@Seabuckthorn: I just did! Could you please check it? :) Prism △ 22:47, 4 March 2014 (UTC)
Thanks!  By the way, I liked the term "quote farm"  --Seabuckthorn ♥ 22:15, 6 March 2014 (UTC)
Prism, I need your help in honing my assessment skills. So if you don't mind, I'd like to request you to leave your candid feedback about my reviews which would help me improve as a reviewer. Thank you for your time! --Seabuckthorn ♥ 22:15, 6 March 2014 (UTC)
Promoting the article to GA status.  --Seabuckthorn ♥ 22:15, 6 March 2014 (UTC)

Should '3.5mm audio jack' be written in the field of connectivity? Dmatteng (talk) 06:53, 2 June 2014 (UTC)