### Human: Hey, stop! I've got nothing but respect for the office of town crier, but this is well outside your jurisdiction. ### Assistant: Oh yeah? Well, put this in your fife and smoke it!


### Human: Well, then I will thank you to stop peering at my screenplay, "Homer." And if I see a movie where computers threaten our personal liberties, I will know that you stole my idea. ### Assistant: I'm just waitin' for my kid.


### Human: He wouldn't let me put it up. ### Assistant: Okay, well, that's not gonna stop us. I know a much better way to get attention...


### Human: Well, yes, but human decency prevents-- ### Assistant: DIG HIM UP! Dig up that corpse!! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong!


### Human: Well, yes, but human decency prevents-- ### Assistant: Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!


### Human: Yes. ### Assistant: What do we win if the tongue is there?


### Human: Credibility. ### Assistant: What a jip.


### Human: I was so sure... ### Assistant: Hear ye, hear ye, everybody makes mistakes. Let's go home.


### Human: By the power vested in me, I hereby strip you of your ceremonial bell-- ### Assistant: No! Nooooooo!!


### Human: Oh, Dad, I'm really sorry. I know how much you wanted to be in the parade. ### Assistant: Oh, it's not your fault, honey. I'm supposed to be the responsible one. I shouldn't have let you let me get carried away.


### Human: Well, hey, it's Homer! Good to see ya, neighb-- ### Assistant: Get lost!


### Human: Well, hey, it's Homer! Good to see ya, neighb-- ### Assistant: Hear ye, HEAR YE, HEAR YE!!


### Human: Our first race is a benefit for daredevil Lance Murdock  , who's hospitalized with cirrhosis of the liver ! ### Assistant: All right! Liver!


### Human: Yah. Now I realize caring for Mr. Burns seems like a big job, but actually it's just 2800 small jobs. ### Assistant: Uh-huh. But this is the chair, right?


### Human: Montgomery Burns' office... Oh, hello Mrs. Burns... I'll see if your son is available. ### Assistant: Mr. Burns has a mother!? She must be a hundred million years old!


### Human: Simpson, eh? ### Assistant: Uh, Mr. Smithers? I don't understand 2700 of my new duties.


### Human: Well, the van's leaving. Which one duty is giving you the most trouble? ### Assistant: Um, what do I do in case of fire?


### Human: Sorry, can't hear you. Bye-bye! ### Assistant: Just my luck.


### Human: Good lord, Smithers! You look atrocious. I thought I told you to take a vacation. ### Assistant: Uh, Smithers already left, Sir. I'm his replacement, Homer Simpson.


### Human: Ah, yes, Simpson. I'll have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg. ### Assistant: But I think the dodo went extinct...


### Human: Get going! And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills. ### Assistant: Uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things?  The things?


### Human: Homie, it's 4:30 in the morning. "Little Rascals" isn't on 'til 6. ### Assistant: I know. I'm taping it. I want to get to Mr. Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast.


### Human: Eh? What about my options? ### Assistant: Well, you can either get up or go back to sleep.


### Human: Scrub harder. Got to get that layer of dead skin off. ### Assistant:


### Human: Did you get that report on the accounting department? ### Assistant: Yes, Sir, I did.


### Human: Did you get that report on the accounting department? ### Assistant: The accounting department is located on the third floor. Its hours are 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. The head of this department is a Mr. Johnson or Johnstone.


### Human: Did you get that report on the accounting department? ### Assistant: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."


### Human: Did you get that report on the accounting department? ### Assistant: Hello. Mr. Burns' office.


### Human: Is it about my cube? ### Assistant: It's Mr. Smithers. He's calling for you.


### Human: Everything's fine, Smithers. But this Simpson fellow seems to be getting dumber by the minute. I've never seen anything quite like it... Anyhoo, you just enjoy your vacation. ### Assistant:


### Human: Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick! ### Assistant: Yes! Yes, sir!


### Human: Now get cracking on my long division. And don't forget to show your work, Simpson. ### Assistant: I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.


### Human: Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down and relax. ### Assistant: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.


### Human: Sorry, but you need a good night's rest. ### Assistant:


### Human: The telephone has been ringing for some time. Answer it. ### Assistant: Yello?... It's for you.


### Human: I asked for light starch on my nightcap! ### Assistant:


### Human: You're a travesty of a truke of an assistant. ### Assistant:


### Human: Is there something wrong, Homie? ### Assistant: No.


### Human: Except... ### Assistant: Except... I killed Mr. Burns.


### Human: What happened, Dad? ### Assistant: I punched Mr. Burns right in his 104 year-old face.


### Human: No, please! I can't bear another thrashing. Just leave me be. ### Assistant: Yes, sir.


### Human: Now I can make my escape... ### Assistant: Hi, Mr. Burns. Do you want your coffee now?


### Human: Stay back, Homer! Approach no further. Coffee's already made. I stomped the beans myself. ### Assistant: Well, can I at least drive you home, Mr. Burns? It's five o'clock.


### Human: Ahoy-hoy?  No, you have the wrong number. This is 5-2-4-6. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine.  Not at all. Ahoy. ### Assistant: Mr. Burns, is there anything at all I can do for you?


### Human: Ah, and my dear, dear Smithers... you're no longer needed at all. You're fired. Ta! ### Assistant: You shouldn't've gone away on vacation.


### Human: Cheer up, Homie. ### Assistant: I just feel terrible about getting Mr. Smithers fired. That job was all he had. Imagine how you'd feel, Marge, if you got fired from the... those things... that you do.


### Human: I look forward to working with you! ### Assistant: Mr. Smithers, wait!


### Human: I look forward to working with you! ### Assistant: You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices: You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job, like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back.


### Human: Mr. Burns may have mastered 2,799 of my 2,800 duties. But I'll wager dollars to donuts he still can't handle a call from his mother. ### Assistant: You're on.


### Human: Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him, I'll rush in and save the day. ### Assistant: Got it.


### Human: Perfect. When I give the signal, you transfer the call to Mr. Burns. After she tears into him, I'll rush in and save the day. ### Assistant: I'm transferring a call into you, Mr. Burns.


### Human: No problemo. ### Assistant:


### Human: No problemo. ### Assistant: Uh-oh.


### Human: Ahoy-hoy? Hoy? ### Assistant: Hello, Mr. Burns? This is your mother.


### Human: Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns! ### Assistant: Son, this is Mrs. Burns! I just called to say I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel!


### Human: So! ### Assistant:


### Human: Impersonate my mother, will you? And you, Smithers! You must have put him up to it! I'm glad I fired you. ### Assistant: You really blew it this time, Smithers.


### Human: Stop fighting like a girl, Simpson. ### Assistant: Okay.


### Human: It's for you. ### Assistant: I'll show you.


### Human:  ### Assistant:


### Human: What did you get that for? ### Assistant: For knocking Mr. Burns out a third story window.


### Human: Did he die? ### Assistant: What am I -- a doctor?


### Human: Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. ### Assistant: Bye, kids. On your way back, pick up a six pack of beer.


### Human: Save our seats! ### Assistant: Will do.


### Human: Hello. ### Assistant:


### Human: The mouse. ### Assistant: Oh. I guess that's not him then.


### Human: Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement. And Dad's upstairs. ### Assistant: Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger.


### Human: Hey Dad, can I have $1,000? ### Assistant: All right... Wait a minute. For what?


### Human: To pay for a lawyer for my bum. ### Assistant: Forget it.


### Human: That does it. One of them has to go. ### Assistant: Okay. Grampa.


### Human: No. The b-u-m. ### Assistant:


### Human: I've got it! Dad, give me $750! ### Assistant: Okay.


### Human: Well, first off, here's your $1,000 back for hiring that lawyer. And $750 for the drawing. And here's a couple of bucks for your trouble. ### Assistant: Woo hoo! Look, Marge! A couple of bucks!


### Human: Dad, can we have $183,000? ### Assistant: What for?


### Human: Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons. ### Assistant: Oh... Forget it.


### Human: Dad, what's a "muppet?" ### Assistant: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but, man...  So to answer your question, I don't know.


### Human: That's not a leather muppet, that's Troy McClure.  Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob! ### Assistant: Yeah, who'd've thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?


### Human: What are you talking about? ### Assistant: You know, his bizarre "personal" life? Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium? Why I heard...


### Human: Hey, Homer, isn't this your sister-in-law on a date with Troy McClure? ### Assistant: Troy McClure? He's a washed-up movie star. He could be dating washed-up supermodels.


### Human: This play has everything! ### Assistant: Oh, I love legitimate theater.


### Human: Oh... well... thank you... ### Assistant: Down in front!


### Human: Oh, come on. Guess which one. ### Assistant: I know! I know! It's Selma, right?


### Human: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. ### Assistant:


### Human: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier. ### Assistant: That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.


### Human: What?!! Oh, my God! ### Assistant: Marge, could you close your eyes? I'm trying to sleep.


### Human: I can't help it if Mom's workplace contains our TV. ### Assistant: 'Cause they won't hire an assistant.


### Human: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? ### Assistant: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.


### Human: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit? ### Assistant: Uh... Oh -- this is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I am responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.


### Human: Maybe we can make your job more fun... What are those? ### Assistant: I don't know.


### Human: I'm going after him! ### Assistant: Boy, this is a lot more fun with a second person!


### Human: Hello?... Oh, Homie, hello! I can't remember the last time you called me from --  Oh, you want to speak to Lisa? ### Assistant: Hi, Lisa. How's your Spring Break going?


### Human: I'm learning about owls. ### Assistant: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me...


### Human: Security guards? ### Assistant: Great! Ya wanna get some lunch?


### Human: Sure! ### Assistant: The way I figure it, if the candy stays in the machine for more than a year, it's up for grabs.


### Human: Why do you need me? ### Assistant: Well, it's a two-man operation, and you're the only man here I trust. Ready?


### Human: Zagnut bar, Mr. Smithers? Razzles? Skittles? Whatchamacallit? Twizzlers? ### Assistant: They all have hilarious names and are delicious.


### Human: We could have a slumber party. ### Assistant: Oh, that'd be great! Sleeping bags on the floor, a roaring fire... It'll be just like the time they kicked me out of the sporting-goods store.


### Human: Okay. Time for truth or dare. You go first. ### Assistant: Eh... Truth.  Ask me anything.


### Human: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie? ### Assistant: All right, dare.


### Human: Okay... Why don't you... ### Assistant: Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball? First name, Ura?


### Human: Hmmm... Truth. ### Assistant: Ummm...  Do you have a crush on anyone?


### Human: Da-ad! ### Assistant: I won't tell anybody.


### Human: Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist. ### Assistant: Moe thinks he knows a lot more than Moe knows!  Well, just give me another chance, and I'll prove I can keep your secrets.


### Human: Langdon Alger. ### Assistant: I have no idea who that is.


### Human: Nobody does!  He's very quiet and enjoys puzzles.  But that still doesn't mean you can tell anyone! ### Assistant: I've already forgotten his name.  It was Larsen something, right?


### Human: Whee. ### Assistant: What's wrong, honey?


### Human: There's something troubling me, Dad...but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret. ### Assistant: Uh, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your new boyfriend.


### Human: Langdon Alger?  Oh, I don't like him anymore...  Okay, but you've got to promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart. ### Assistant: I promise.


### Human: Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. ### Assistant: Yes, that's a real pickle.  Would you excuse me for a moment?


### Human: Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. ### Assistant:


### Human: Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong. ### Assistant: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, and then I will murder him.


### Human: No, no! Then he'll know I told!  Dad, you said I could trust you. ### Assistant: Okay, we'll work this out together. First things first: where is Knoxville?


### Human: It's in Tennessee, right next to the Oak Ridge Nuclear Facility, birthplace of the atomic bomb. ### Assistant: Well, maybe we could order something from Oak Ridge...


### Human: ...and Bart could be the courier! ### Assistant: Y'ello, Oak Ridge? This is Springfield Nuclear. We need to order a... uh...T-437 Safety Command Console.


### Human: Uh, I suggest you...  Oh my God! Oh, God, no! Oh! This can't be happening! This... You're operating without a T-437, Springfield!! Oh, Sweet Mother of Mercy! I mean... I mean... My God!... ### Assistant: And have it sent to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, care of Homer J.--


### Human: No! Don't use your real name, or Bart will know! ### Assistant: Forget the name Homer Simpson. Have it sent care of... Langdon Alger.


### Human: Hello?  No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam! ### Assistant:


### Human:  ### Assistant: It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. See, Daddy's here.


### Human:  ### Assistant: C'mon, Maggie, maybe if you just squeeze a little...


### Human:  ### Assistant: That's it, that's it, I...


### Human:  ### Assistant:


### Human:  ### Assistant: Okay. Okay. Think, Homer...


### Human:  ### Assistant: ... The dog!


### Human:  ### Assistant: Okay! Go, boy! Go find help! Go find help, boy!


### Human:  ### Assistant: Oh, bad dog! Bad dog!


### Human:  ### Assistant: Oh, don't worry, Maggie! I'll think of something!


### Human: ...And then he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories? ### Assistant: Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home.


### Human: No! Old people deserve our respect! Look at Jacques Cousteau and Goldie Hawn. You wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens. ### Assistant: Second class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert jewelry, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.


### Human: Lemme in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet Merciful McGillicuddy, ya gotta open the door! ### Assistant: Who is it?


### Human: But where are we going to put him? ### Assistant: Bart's room.


### Human: Uh, yes. But we gotta act fast! ### Assistant: Where are you two going at this hour?


### Human: On a treasure hunt. ### Assistant: Oh, can I come?


### Human: Only if you're ready to stare danger in the face, put your manhood to the ultimate test, and take-- ### Assistant: Pass.


### Human: Well, things were bad everywhere. ### Assistant: I'm sick of these constant bear attacks! It's like the freakin' country bear jamboroo around here.


### Human: Well, now realistically, Homer, I've lived here some 30-odd years. This is the first and only bear I've ever seen. ### Assistant: Hey -- if you want wild bears eating your children and scaring away your salmon, that's your business. But I'm not gonna take it! Who's with me?


### Human: Hey, Homer, that's a pretty catchy chant. Where'd you learn it? ### Assistant: Oh, I heard it at the Mustache Parade they have every year.


### Human: I phoned ahead. ### Assistant: Mr. Mayor, I hate to break it to you, but your city is infested with bears.


### Human: Very well. I promise swift and decisive action against these hibernating hucksters. ### Assistant:


### Human: That's specious reasoning, Dad. ### Assistant: Thank you, Honey.


### Human: By your logic, I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. ### Assistant: Oh, how does it work?


### Human: It doesn't work. ### Assistant: Uh-huh.


### Human: It's just a stupid rock. ### Assistant: Uh-huh.


### Human: But I don't see any tigers around here, do you? ### Assistant: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.


### Human: But I don't see any tigers around here, do you? ### Assistant: Woo-hoo! A perfect day -- zero bears, and one big fat hairy paycheck!


### Human: But I don't see any tigers around here, do you? ### Assistant: Hey... how come my pay is so low?


### Human: But I don't see any tigers around here, do you? ### Assistant: "Bear Patrol Tax: $5?!" What?! This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history!


### Human: Actually, Dad, it's the smallest tax increase in history. ### Assistant: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer Tax.


### Human: That's the Home-Owner Tax. ### Assistant: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.


### Human: I don't see how you can support Proposition 24, Dad. ### Assistant: Open your eyes, Lisa. Our schools are so jam-packed with immigrants, kids like Bart have lost the will to learn.


### Human: Ah... Mr. Simpson? It may astonish you to learn that I am an immigrant. ### Assistant: You? Pfft. I don't believe it.


### Human: Oh, I wish... Oh, I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me. ### Assistant: Oh my God. I got so swept up in the scapegoating and fun of Proposition 24, I never stopped to think it might affect someone I cared about.


### Human: Oh, I wish... Oh, I wish I could have stayed just one more year or two. There was so much I wanted to see and to do and to have done to me. ### Assistant: You know what, Apu...  I am really, really gonna miss you.


### Human: Ya know what really aggravazes me, is them immiggants. They want all the benefits of livin' in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language. ### Assistant: Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies.


### Human: Hey there, Homer, how's it hangin'? ### Assistant: Low and lazy, so --  Hey! Say something again.


### Human: Apparently, I just plumb forgot about it.  Say, let's take a relaxed attitude toward work and watch the baseball match. The NY Mets  are my favorite squadron. ### Assistant: Hey, you got rid of that goofy sacred elephant statue.


### Human: I have brought shame to my parents, to my homeland, and to myself. ### Assistant: Don't forget Ganesha.


### Human: Oh, Homer. Are you rounding up immigrants? ### Assistant: No, Marge. Apu convinced me that Proposition 24 is a big mistake.


### Human: That's nice, although three of you are below voting age. ### Assistant: And I'm not registered!


### Human: Oh no. That is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history. ### Assistant: Oh. It can't be that many. C'mon, Apu. I'll be your tutor.


### Human: Oh no. That is not nearly enough time to learn over 200 years of American history. ### Assistant: Please identify this object.


### Human: It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the public library last year. ### Assistant: Correct. Now we all know the thirteen stripes are for good luck. But why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?


### Human: Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date. The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did. ### Assistant: Uh... partial credit.


### Human: Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date. The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did. ### Assistant: Now, they may ask you to locate your town on a map of the U.S, so let's do that.  Uh, Springfield, Springfield... Ah, right here.


### Human: ...Executive, legislative, and, uh, judicial. ### Assistant: No, no, and no.  Maybe we should start all over with the electrical college.


### Human: Please, Mr. Simpson, my brain needs sleep. The test is in six hours, and many of these facts you speak of are completely new to me. ### Assistant: Sleep is for the weak, Apu! Now I'm gonna go to bed while you look over my notes from ninth grade history.


### Human: You know, Apu, in a way, all Americans are immigrants -- except Native Americans. ### Assistant: Yeah, native Americans like us.


### Human: No, I mean-- ### Assistant: Hi, everyone. If I could just say a few words... I'd be a better public speaker.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Now that you're all relaxed...  Most of us here were born in America. We take this country for granted. But not immigrants like Apu. While the rest of us are drinking ourselves stupid, they're driving the cabs that get us home safely...


### Human:  ### Assistant: They're writing the operas that entertain us every day...


### Human:  ### Assistant: They're training our tigers, and kicking our extra points... These people are the glue that holds together the gears of our society.


### Human:  ### Assistant: If we pass Proposition 24, we'll be losing some of the truest Americans of all.


### Human: He's right! / You said it, Homer! / etc. ### Assistant: When you go to the polls tomorrow, please -- vote "NO" on Proposition 24!


### Human: He's right! / You said it, Homer! / etc. ### Assistant: NO ON 24! NO ON 24! NO ON 24! NO - ON - TWEN - TY - FOUR!


### Human: "Dear parents. Due to yesterday's unscheduled field trip to the auto wrecking yard, the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. By reading this letter out loud, you have waived any legal responsibility on our part in perpetuity, throughout the universe." ### Assistant: Well we'll have to organize a carpool.  Every day will be like a road trip!... With your dad!... To school!


### Human: Dad? ### Assistant: Pretty cool way to keep your pants up, eh?


### Human: Dad? ### Assistant: I see these kids now with "jive" printed on their shirts.  Now, I can teach you how you're supposed to say "jive"...


### Human: Uh, Mr. Simpson, sir? Can you please change the radio station? ### Assistant: But this is Grand Funk Railroad! You guys back there know Grand Funk, right?


### Human:  ### Assistant: Nobody knows the band, Grand Funk? The wild shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner? The bong-rattling bass of Mel Schacher? The competent drumwork of Don Brewer? Oh, man.


### Human:  ### Assistant: For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library!


### Human: INT. SIMPSONS' CAR - CONTINUOUS) ### Assistant: And when I listen to a really good song, I start nodding my head, like I'm saying "yes!" to every beat.  "Yes, yes, yes this rocks!" And then sometimes I switch it up like  "No, no, no, don't stop a-rockin'..."


### Human: Dad, please. You're embarrassing us. ### Assistant: No, I'm not. I'm teaching you about rock music.


### Human: Dad, please. You're embarrassing us. ### Assistant: Now -- Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of Hovercraft...


### Human: Dad! No one cares about any of your stupid dinosaur bands! You have the worst, lamest taste in music ever! ### Assistant: I'm just trying to party with you guys.


### Human: Oldies. ### Assistant: Oldies?


### Human: Oldies. ### Assistant: But you've got all the top bands in here.  Styx? I just heard them on "The King Biscuit Flour Hour."  Now here are some of your no-name bands: Sonic Youth, Nine Inch Nails, Hullabalooza...


### Human: What Computers? ### Assistant:


### Human: Wicked! ### Assistant: Back then, we didn't care what anyone thought, and the chicks found that irresistible.


### Human: Sandra, that was mean. ### Assistant: But most of all, I remember the music.


### Human: It's called rocking out. ### Assistant: You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it.


### Human: I used to be "with it." But then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it," and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you. ### Assistant: No way, man. We're gonna keep on rocking forever... forever... forever...


### Human: What's wrong, Homie? ### Assistant: I went to the record store today, and they were playing all this music I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.


### Human: Dad, you forgot to pick up Milhouse! ### Assistant: I did? I must be getting forgetful in my old age. Open the glove compartment and fetch me my brain medicine.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Well... what have we here? Looks like your un-cool dad scored tickets to Hullabalooza.


### Human: This is an authentic Hullabalooza ticket. For authentic refreshment, eat Clark Bars. And for totally outrageous class rings, it's Josten's. Gooooo, Josten's! ### Assistant: You're not going to school today. Today, your classroom will be the Capitol City Amphitheater. Your teacher? Four dozen rock bands. So get ready for some well-supervised craziness while you rock out with your father. Woo hoo!


### Human: People, have your tickets out. Throw your cameras out. Surrender all identification. ### Assistant: Oh, my homemade Kahlua.


### Human: Generation X may be shallow, but at least they have tolerance and respect for all people. ### Assistant: Hey, a freak show!


### Human: It smells like Otto's jacket. ### Assistant: Oh, I get it.


### Human: Dad, you cannot wear that! That's a rastafarian hat! ### Assistant: Hey, I've been safari-in' since before you were born.


### Human: Wearing a Jamaican hat makes a bold statement about your connection to reggae music. ### Assistant: Well, excuuuuuuse me!


### Human: You know what, Dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while. ### Assistant: Well, Homer, this is it. Time to get back with the people. The young people.


### Human: You know what, Dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while. ### Assistant: Alright. Yeah.


### Human: You know what, Dad? Maybe we'll go exploring on our own for a while. ### Assistant: Cool concert, am I right?


### Human: Where's the Narc! / Who? / That fat Jamaican guy. ### Assistant: What did I say? What's going on?


### Human: Don't commit your hate crimes here.  Hate crime! ### Assistant: Okay, I'm heading out now!  More butt support! More butt support!


### Human: Don't commit your hate crimes here.  Hate crime! ### Assistant:


### Human: Dad, are you okay? ### Assistant: I'm fine.


### Human: So you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show. ### Assistant: I don't think I have a choice, Marge.


### Human: Of course you have a choice. ### Assistant: How do you figure?


### Human: You don't have to join a freak show just because the opportunity came along. ### Assistant: You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people...


### Human: And now, get ready for the man...with the iron stomach! ### Assistant: Hi, everybody.  Is everybody... good?


### Human: And now, get ready for the man...with the iron stomach! ### Assistant: Thank you. Thank you very much.


### Human: And now, get ready for the man...with the iron stomach! ### Assistant: "Stay in school. Your hero, Homer."


### Human: Hey, Cannonball -- I like your statement: When life takes a cheap shot at you, you stand your ground.  Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. ### Assistant: Homer Simpson, smiling politely. You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.


### Human: "Dear Bart and Lisa..." ### Assistant: All is well on tour with America's most popular alternative music festival...


### Human: "Dear Bart and Lisa..." ### Assistant: Our first job is to entertain...


### Human:  ### Assistant: ...and I like to think sometimes we get a message across as well.


### Human:  ### Assistant: But the main thing is, I've finally tapped into that spirit of self-destruction that makes rock 'n' roll the king of musics.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Woo hoo!


### Human: I don't even know anymore. ### Assistant: Thank you! And remember: Don't trust anyone over thirty. And now, Peter Frampton!


### Human: Is it true that we have to bring our own water? ### Assistant: We've got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.


### Human: Hey -- I wasn't a weirdo. I was in the Audio Visual Club. ### Assistant: Really? Me, too. But I got kicked out 'cause of my views on Vietnam. Also, I was stealing projectors.


### Human: Hey -- I wasn't a weirdo. I was in the Audio Visual Club. ### Assistant: Anyway, get ready, beer belly! We're gonna show Springfield what we're made of!


### Human: Alright, Homer! / etc. ### Assistant: That was odd.


### Human: Gee. I don't like the sound of that. ### Assistant: No biggie. I'm cool.


### Human: My God. Those cannonballs have practically demolished your stomach. From now on, no cannonballs, no spicy foods, and when you lie in a hammock, please -- rest your beer on your head or your genitals. ### Assistant: Rules. I'm a rocker. I don't care for rules.


### Human: Mr. Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut...  you will die! ### Assistant: Die?  Well, you don't scare me, Doc.  'Cause dying would be a stone groove. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?


### Human: So what's it like being famous, Dad? ### Assistant: People know your name, but you don't know theirs. It's great.


### Human: Dad, do you wear boxers or briefs? ### Assistant: Nope.


### Human: What religion are you? ### Assistant: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life --  Christianity.


### Human: What religion are you? ### Assistant: What's with all the questions?


### Human: Just some report I gotta do for school. Hey, you want some pie? ### Assistant: Sure, we've got a lotta catchin' up to do.


### Human: Just some report I gotta do for school. Hey, you want some pie? ### Assistant:


### Human: Do... wait... Do you... do you feel... do... do you feel...? oh, come on...  Do you feel? ### Assistant: ...so I realized that being with my family is more important than being cool.


### Human: I used to carpool with that guy. ### Assistant: Oh, this is heavy.  Okay, Homer, don't fear the Reaper.


### Human: I used to carpool with that guy. ### Assistant: Oh, I'm gonna die.


### Human: You're the coolest dad alive! ### Assistant: Oh, Marge. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.


### Human: Homer, I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than a yellow-bellied freak, unless that's his act. I expect your letter of resignation on my desk. ### Assistant: You have a desk?


### Human: I mean the hood of my car. ### Assistant: I'll miss you Pumpkins, but I just can't share your bleak world view. I've got too much to live for.


### Human: Dad, what you just said was powerfully un-cool. ### Assistant: You know what the song says, "It's hip to be square."


### Human: That song is so lame. ### Assistant: So lame that it's cool?


### Human: Well, how the hell do you be cool? I feel like we've tried everything here. ### Assistant: Wait, Marge. Maybe if you're truly cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.


### Human: Now they're trying it as a maritime offense.  So anyhoo, how'd you like to use my beach house? Free of charge. ### Assistant: I only get two weeks of vacation a year -- and you want me to spend it in your lousy beach house?


### Human: Well, if it'll seal the deal, I'll take a look at your septic tank. See if I can get her hummin' again. ### Assistant: Deal. See, Flanders, you give a little, you get a little.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Lisa, let's go!


### Human:  ### Assistant: Hey. Hmm, somebody's travelin' light.


### Human: Maybe you're getting stronger. ### Assistant: Well, I have been eating more...


### Human: Wave bye-bye to our house, Maggie. Bye-bye, tree. ### Assistant: Bye-bye, job.


### Human: No, Springfield is "America's crud-bucket."  At least according to Newsweek. ### Assistant: "Wel-diddly-elcome Simpsons."  Oh, geez. He actually wrote "diddly."


### Human: "Put food in me." ### Assistant: I'll take that.


### Human:  ### Assistant: I forgot my swimsuit, too. But I improvised.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Hello.


### Human:  ### Assistant: It's low tide, boys.


### Human: Because it was the only one in the house.  Come on, Homer, open the door for your Mystery Date! ### Assistant: Ooh, Captain of the Football Team! He's a dreamboat!  Don't wait up, Marge.


### Human: You got "The Dud!" ### Assistant: Hey, he looks just like you, Poindexter!


### Human: How come Lisa doesn't have to play? Why does she get to hang out with her friends? ### Assistant: You've got friends. You got "The Dud" right here.  Stand up for yourself, Poindexter!


### Human:  ### Assistant: Hmm. I bet this place sells illegal fireworks. Just go in and act casual, like you buy 'em all the time.


### Human: Any red-blooded, flag-fearing American would love  the M-320. Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. ### Assistant: All right.


### Human: This is the most thoughtful thing anybody ever -- ### Assistant: Sweet merciful crap! My car!


### Human: Uh huh. ### Assistant: Well, get a last look at the beautiful ocean scenery, kids.


### Human: Did you guys hear something moving around in the attic last night? ### Assistant: Attic? Oh, that's silly.  Seriously, though, don't ever go up there.


### Human: Homer, isn't it about time for the...  ...you know. ### Assistant: Yeah, yeah. I'll go feed it.


### Human: Homer, isn't it about time for the...  ...you know. ### Assistant: Fish heads, fish heads, do de do de doo...


### Human: Homer, isn't it about time for the...  ...you know. ### Assistant:


### Human: What's up there? / Is it a monster? / We have to know! / What's the secret? ### Assistant: No more questions. I work my butt off to feed you four kids and all you do I -- what?


### Human: Three! We have three kids, Homer! ### Assistant: Yeah, three nosy kids. And you know what happens to nosy kids who ask too many questions?


### Human:  ### Assistant: See, Marge? Who needs a car wash when you can just drive around in the rain.


### Human: You went into the attic?  I'm very disappointed and terrified. ### Assistant: Oh my God, Marge, it's escaped!


### Human: So I have two brothers? ### Assistant: Lisa, please. Yes, Bart, you have a twin brother. You see, when you were born, there was... an irregularity.


### Human: But what to do with poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town, the child was an outcast. So we did the only humane thing. ### Assistant: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.


### Human: We've got to find Hugo. ### Assistant: We'll search out every place a sick, twisted, solitary misfit might run to.


### Human: I'll start with Radio Shack. ### Assistant: Right. Bart, you stay home and tape the hockey game.


### Human: There, there, Hugo. I understand. All those years caged up in here... why, you've probably never even seen your own face in the mirror, have you? Here... ### Assistant: We think we saw Hugo at the airport! He was boarding a plane to Switzerland and...  Oh.


### Human: Your micro-jerks attacked me! ### Assistant: Lookin' good, son.


### Human: Hello. ### Assistant: I suppose you'll want to probe me. Well, might as well get it over with.


### Human: This is a mission of conquest. Take us to your leader. ### Assistant: I guess you mean President Clinton. He usually hangs around Washington, D.C.


### Human: President Clin-Ton. Excellent. ### Assistant: Except... um, there's this election next week, so after that it might not be him anymore. It might be what's-his-name, uh, Mumbly-Joe... uh, I saw him on TV the other...  Uh, Bob Dole.


### Human: Commence bio-duplication. ### Assistant: Oh no. Aliens... bio-duplication... nude conspiracies... Oh my God! Lyndon LaRouche was right!


### Human: What? Are you still here?  I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you. ### Assistant: No! NO! What are you spraying me with!?


### Human: That's Slick Willie for you. Always with the smooth talk. ### Assistant: Marge, Marge! There I was, I had just caught the largest fish you'd ever seen, when I was abducted by a flying saucer!


### Human: Sure you were, rummy. ### Assistant: That's one of the creatures!


### Human: Well, a refreshingly frank response there from Senator Bob Dole. ### Assistant: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror! I've got to stop them!


### Human: My fellow Americans: as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward... upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! ### Assistant: Stop! Those candidates are phonies!


### Human: My fellow Americans: as a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward... upward, not forward... and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! ### Assistant: You heard me -- They're alien replicons from beyond the moon!


### Human: I am so mad at the secret service right now.  Hey, who the hell are you? ### Assistant: I'm Homer Simpson, Sir, and I'm gonna get you back to Washington before it's too late!


### Human: Friend, you've got a deal. Homer -- let us out! It's time to tear those aliens a third corn-chute. ### Assistant:


### Human: Friend, you've got a deal. Homer -- let us out! It's time to tear those aliens a third corn-chute. ### Assistant: Oh no! What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do?!


### Human: I am looking forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath. ### Assistant: America, take a good look at your beloved candidates! They're nothing but hideous space reptiles!


### Human: Ow!  I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. ### Assistant: Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.


### Human: Ow!  I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of. ### Assistant:


### Human: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family? ### Assistant: Of course not. I wouldn't do that.  Why not?


### Human: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards... Bart's lawyer is here. ### Assistant: But Marge, this is a chance for me to fulfill my lifelong dream.


### Human: What lifelong dream? ### Assistant: Promise not to laugh?  I always wanted to own the Dallas Cowboys.


### Human: Homer, I don't want to leave Springfield. I've dug myself into a happy little rut here and I'm not about to hoist myself out of it. ### Assistant: Just bring the rut with you, honey. Come on, take a look.


### Human: Cypress Creek. A tale of one city... ### Assistant: Ah, let's watch something else.


### Human: Homer! You're trying to talk us into moving to this place. ### Assistant: Oh yeah, that's right. Let's watch this.


### Human: Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries, and shareholders. ### Assistant: Well! What do you think of me and Cypress Creek now, Marge?


### Human: Even if we sell the house, we still won't come close to paying off the mortgage. ### Assistant: Heeeeey...


### Human: Uh... Homer... Ah, about those things you borrowed from me over the years -- you know -- the TV trays, the power sander, that downstairs bathtub... you going to be needing those things in Cypress Creek? ### Assistant: Yes.


### Human: Oh... uh... ### Assistant: Okily dokily.


### Human: Haw-haw. ### Assistant: I'm gonna miss Springfield. This town's been awfully good to us.


### Human: Oooh! ### Assistant: Here we are, 15201 Maple Systems Road... Our new home.


### Human: I am here to welcome you on behalf of the President of the Globex Corporation, me.  Try the papayas. They're juicy and full of papayine. Makes you strong. Like Popeye.  Popeye, papayine. Popeye, papayine. See, same thing? Same... Ah, forget it. How are ya? I'm Hank Scorpio. ### Assistant: Wow! My boss!


### Human: Aw sure, I come later in the day, I get paid a lot more and I take longer vacations. But I don't like the word "boss". Hey, look at my feet. ### Assistant: Okay...


### Human: Ha! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe? ### Assistant: Yes, once.


### Human: See you at work tomorrow! Although I don't really like to call it "work"! ### Assistant: Wowww.


### Human: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are pretty casual around here. ### Assistant: Yes sir, I will notice that. Very casual, Mr. Scorpion.


### Human: Don't call me Mr. Scorpion. It's Mr. Scorpi-o. But don't call me that, either. Call me Hank.  Uh, say, before we continue our tour, would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall, please? ### Assistant:


### Human: Relax, Homer. At Globex, we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact, I didn't even give you my coat. ### Assistant: Wow.


### Human: Having a place like this has always been my dream, Homer. What's your dream? ### Assistant: Uh... to work for you?


### Human: Don't do that. My butt is for sitting, not for kissing. Now you tell me the truth -- What's your real dream? Your real dream? ### Assistant: Um...  Someday I'd like to own the Dallas Cowboys.


### Human: I bet people laughed at you when you told them that dream. ### Assistant: Yeah.


### Human: Homer, don't give up. They laughed at me the first time I wore jeans with a sport coat. I was the first wealthy man in America to ever do that. Now they all do it!... Didja ever hear of Mike Milken? ### Assistant: Ye... No.


### Human: Now Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears and, should the need arise, they'll fill in for any other part of your body. Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give them the benefit of your years of experience. ### Assistant: Don't worry. That won't take long.


### Human: I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready? ### Assistant: All right.


### Human: One second...  Hello? ### Assistant: Doh!


### Human: Yes sir, Mr. Simpson. ### Assistant: Could you, um... work any harder than this?


### Human: Sure thing, boss. ### Assistant: Hey, call me Homer.


### Human: I moved here from Canada and they think I'm slow, eh? ### Assistant: Hey, what's with you sad sacks?


### Human: Sports collectibles!  Wow, a baseball made out of Secretariat! ### Assistant: Tom Landry's hat! And it's autographed!  "To Berman's Dry Cleaning, Best Wishes, Tom Landry."


### Human: Why don't you buy it? ### Assistant: I can't buy that. Only management type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that.  Guys like me? I'm a guy like me!


### Human: I'm sorry, we're just a little tired, sir. We've been pushing ourselves real hard to get the reactor on-line. ### Assistant: Tired, eh?  What you guys need... is hammocks.


### Human: Oh, hi, Homer! What can I do for you? ### Assistant: All right... What's the number?


### Human: Oh, hi, Homer! What can I do for you? ### Assistant: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.


### Human: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there are four places: There's the "Hammock Hut"; that's on Third... ### Assistant: Uh-huh.


### Human: There's "Hammocks-R-Us"... ### Assistant: Got it...


### Human: That's on Third, too. You got "Put Your Butt There"... ### Assistant: Umm-hmmm...


### Human: That's on Third. ### Assistant: Yes...


### Human: "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"... ### Assistant: Right...


### Human: That might... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex. It's the Hammock Complex, down on Third? ### Assistant: Oh, the Hammock District.


### Human: Uh, Homer. One second. I gotta take care of this. Very important. 'Be right back. ### Assistant: Fine.


### Human: Back to the hammocks, my friend. ### Assistant: Yes.


### Human: You know, there's a little place called "Mary Ann's Hammocks". The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.  I'm just kiddin'. ### Assistant: Oh.


### Human: You know who invented the hammock, Homer? ### Assistant: No?


### Human: That's something for you to do. Find that out. ### Assistant: Any sugar around here?


### Human: Good. By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France? ### Assistant: France.


### Human: Nobody ever says Italy. ### Assistant: I've never noticed this office before.


### Human: Why should you? -- It's mine. ### Assistant: Eh, you have any sugar around here?


### Human: Here you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream? ### Assistant: Eh... I... no.


### Human: Stop him! He's supposed to die! ### Assistant: Aargh!


### Human: Nice work, Homer. Am I prouda you! ### Assistant: Well...


### Human: I've been so bored since we moved here, I've found myself drinking a glass of wine every day. I know doctors say you should drink a glass and a half, but I just can't drink that much. ### Assistant: Well, the Simpson men are doing fine, right, Bart? You haven't even gotten in trouble at school.


### Human: We want to go back to Springfield. ### Assistant: What?! We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.


### Human: It's up to you, Homer. Whatever you decide, that's what we'll do. ### Assistant:


### Human: T minus 1 minute 35 seconds. ### Assistant: Uh, I've got a problem, Hank.


### Human: Aw, gee, Homer, could it wait a sec, please? ### Assistant: Well, it's pretty important.


### Human: Aw, gee, Homer, could it wait a sec, please? ### Assistant: Say, what's going on?


### Human: I'm having a little trouble with the government. ### Assistant: Aw, those jerks. Always walking over the small businessman. Don't get me started about the government.


### Human: What's the problem? ### Assistant: Well, my family wants to move back to Springfield.


### Human: What's bothering them? ### Assistant: Nothing big. It's just a lot of little things.


### Human: Homer, I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family. ### Assistant: Well... Thanks for everything, Hank.


### Human: Telegram. ### Assistant: "Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio."


### Human: Telegram. ### Assistant: Aw, the Denver Broncos.


### Human: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good. ### Assistant: Yeah yeah.


### Human: Well explain to me why it isn't. ### Assistant: You just don't understand football, Marge.


### Human: Weren't there three Indians last year? ### Assistant: Look, Marge! They opened a new high-tech gadget store! You love high-tech gadgets!


### Human: No, I don't. ### Assistant: Like bull you don't! Come on!


### Human: Homer, please, you're hurting my arm! ### Assistant: No, I'm not!


### Human: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Soviet sub? A suede briefcase-case? Oh, anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems... ### Assistant: Marge, look!


### Human: Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a Soviet sub? A suede briefcase-case? Oh, anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems... ### Assistant: "The World's Best Jacket!" If I had this it would show everybody...  show everybody!


### Human: Some bullies beat me up and took it. ### Assistant: Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start.


### Human: But then they'll just beat me up even worse. ### Assistant: Yesss, they are a clever bunch.  I know, I'll squeal for you. To their parents.


### Human: This is for the crummy life I've had to live! ### Assistant: The thing is -- oof! -- Bart really loves that belt and -- ugh!


### Human: Jeez, Homer, I never seen a guy stand up to that kinda punishment -- I mean, you took a three-man poundin' and didn't ever fall down. ### Assistant: Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back. The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings.


### Human: There ya go! That's the spirit! Homer, I seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you!  Y'know, boxing might be right up your alley! ### Assistant: Really?


### Human: Aw, please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal! ### Assistant: Dressing?


### Human: Their choice. ### Assistant: You really think I could do it?


### Human: Well, I dunno, are you man enough to test every one of your limits? ### Assistant: Yes!


### Human: And are you man enough to throw a punch, should the opportunity arise? ### Assistant: Yes!


### Human: And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut? ### Assistant: YES!!


### Human: I'll take it!! ### Assistant: Woo hoo!


### Human: Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office. ### Assistant: You used to be a boxer just like me?


### Human: Yep. They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe." ### Assistant: Hey, what's this?


### Human: Aw, that -- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I been meanin' to empty that out. ### Assistant: You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too.


### Human: Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time. ### Assistant: Why not?


### Human: 'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics... ### Assistant: Lousy Democrats.


### Human: Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You're thirty-eight years old, you don't know how to box and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor. ### Assistant: No problemo.


### Human: A competent doctor! ### Assistant:


### Human: You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson's Syndrome." ### Assistant: Oh, why me?


### Human: Oooo-kay... Let's see the right. ### Assistant: Just a second.


### Human: When you're ready... ### Assistant: All right... Ready... Wait a minute... All right... Wait a minute... Just a sec...


### Human: Okay, punching isn't your thing. But that's okay... you're not that kind of fighter. What you're gonna do is stand there while your opponent gets exhausted from overpunching. ### Assistant: Then I can just push him over.


### Human: Who's gonna knock you down? ### Assistant: No one.


### Human: When are you gonna fight back? ### Assistant: Never.


### Human: What are you gonna do? ### Assistant: Nothing.


### Human: Okay. You're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob. ### Assistant: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?


### Human: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did. ### Assistant: Gee, thanks, Moe... What's this?


### Human: I gotta be honest with ya, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar-paper. ### Assistant: You... didn't?


### Human: No. Homer, how would you like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World? ### Assistant: Uh, sure.


### Human: Great. All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass. ### Assistant: Ooh, "General!"  Who's Drederick Tatum, anyway? Is he another hobo?


### Human: Uh, you know what? I'm gonna have to check on that... ### Assistant: Well, I trust you, Moe. If you say I can beat this guy, then he doesn't stand a chance.


### Human: Homer, why are they saying you're going to fight Drederick Tatum? ### Assistant: Uh, well... I was gonna surprise you, but, um... happy anniversary, baby!


### Human: Have you lost your mind?! ### Assistant: Aw, c'mon, I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We could have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted car ports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes --


### Human: But you'll get killed! ### Assistant: Marge, will you let me finish? ...Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car --


### Human: Mom's right, Dad. The odds against you winning are a thousand to one. ### Assistant: Well, I don't think it's that unlikely.


### Human: Those are the odds they're giving in Vegas. ### Assistant: All right, I think we've heard just about enough from Mr. Newspaper today.


### Human: All right, Homer, I'm not going to lie to you: there's a good chance you can beat Tatum. But you gotta visualize how you're going to win, okay? ### Assistant: Gotcha.


### Human: Due to popular demand, we will forgo our national anthem. And now, Ladies and gentlemen, LET'S GET READY TO RUM-BLE!!! ### Assistant: Okay, Homer, nothing to be worried about... just--


### Human: Homer! Homer, he's not going to get tired! You've got to hit him back! Hit him back! ### Assistant:


### Human: Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! Ladies and gentlemen, whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window! ### Assistant: Are you an angel?


### Human: Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks. ### Assistant: But you stopped the fight. Won't everyone be mad at you?


### Human: Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farah slacks. ### Assistant: Aaar, matey.


### Human: Ah, let 'em be mad. The only thing that matters to me is, you're safe. ### Assistant:


### Human: Oh, Homie, are you okay? ### Assistant: I can't remember where we parked.


### Human: I got your tooth, Dad! ### Assistant: Eh, not mine.


### Human: Well, so long, Springfield... ### Assistant: Where are you going?


### Human: I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series! ### Assistant: Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.


### Human: Well, if God didn't make little green apples -- it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here? ### Assistant: Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.


### Human: I can't excape  Lisa, our little walking libary! ### Assistant: Can't they get a pole for that sign?


### Human: That's a hitchhiker, Homer. ### Assistant: Ooh, let's pick him up!


### Human: No! What if he's crazy? ### Assistant: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.


### Human: We're not picking him up! ### Assistant: Oh, yes we are!


### Human: There's not enough room! ### Assistant: Oh, yes, there is!


### Human: I just don't think it's a good idea. ### Assistant: And I think it's the best idea I've ever had! We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.


### Human: He stole my fiancée. ### Assistant: He made fun of my weight.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Hey, you're that hitchhiker! What are you doing here?


### Human: Learnin' the family business.  I'm Larry Burns, the boss's son. ### Assistant:


### Human: Hey, relax. I don't wanna work. I'm so lazy, I took lessons on the player piano. ### Assistant: Wow, that's really lazy.


### Human: Lazy? You're not kidding. I'm like a rug on Valium, I'm talkin' lazy. ### Assistant: So lazy.


### Human: Oh, "yakkety-yak-yak"...  You, Foodbag -- do you have a son? ### Assistant: Yes, sir. I do.


### Human: And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them? ### Assistant: Oh, all the time! Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who...


### Human: I'll tell you what's with me -- the humiliation of having a coarse, boorish, ignoramus for a son! ### Assistant: Eh, I should go.


### Human: Sheesh, Dad and I, we started out great, but now it's fallin' apart, like a Chinese motorcycle. ### Assistant: It's so unfair. You're everything a dad could hope for.


### Human: Yeah. I tell ya, I don't get no regard, no regard at all. No esteem, either. ### Assistant: Larry, there's only one sure way to make him realize how much he loves you. And that... is a phony kidnapping.


### Human: Yeah, right. I dunno, maybe I should just leave town. ### Assistant: Pho-ny kid-napping...


### Human: What are you doing in the basement? It's like you're hiding out down here. ### Assistant: Hiding out?  Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books.


### Human: And what's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us? ### Assistant: Of course not. We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.


### Human: Ahoy-hoy? ### Assistant: Hello, Mr. Burns, this is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son?


### Human: Yes! I'm missing one son! Return it immediately! ### Assistant: If you really love Larry, prove it and you can have him back today.


### Human: Oh, how much proof do you need? Five thousand? Six thousand? I swear, that's all I've got. ### Assistant: Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money!


### Human: More important than money?  Who is this? ### Assistant: Just a second.


### Human: Can't we just go upstairs? ### Assistant: No!


### Human: Kidnapped?! ### Assistant: Marge, it's not a real kidnapping. It's a simple hoax to win a father's love.


### Human: You know how I feel about hoaxes! ### Assistant: Still?


### Human: I want you to take Larry back to Mr. Burns right now, before you get in a lot of trouble. ### Assistant: What... But... Marge, it's broad daylight and there's cops everywhere!


### Human: No excuses! Just do it! ### Assistant:


### Human: Of course we'll bring you updates as soon as they... Oh, wait a minute! There they are! Larry Burns and his kidnapper! ### Assistant:


### Human: We gotta find someplace to hide! ### Assistant: The abandoned warehouse!


### Human: Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us! ### Assistant: Heh-heh, they'll never look for us here.


### Human: Some people are trying to watch the movie! ### Assistant: You don't like it, call the cops!


### Human:  ### Assistant: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.


### Human: With pleasure, sir. ### Assistant: Hold on, Mr. Burns. Maybe we did fake a kidnapping, but is that really such a crime? All your son wanted was a little attention, a little love.


### Human: With pleasure, sir. ### Assistant: I'm a father myself, sir. And sure, sometimes my kids can be obnoxious... or boring... or stinky --


### Human: With pleasure, sir. ### Assistant: -- but they can always count on one thing: their father's unconditional love.


### Human: And where is all that liquor coming from? ### Assistant: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.


### Human: Da-ad! V-chip, V-chip! ### Assistant: Sorry, sorry. My fault.


### Human: We interrupt this cartoon for a Special Report. ### Assistant: Someone found my keys!


### Human: Now, the cat needs his medication every morning -- ### Assistant: No problem... Can do.


### Human: And the furnace has been giving off a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window o-- ### Assistant: Right... Uh huh... Gotcha...  Cat in the furnace.


### Human: Woo hoo! ### Assistant: A whole week of just father and son!  See you at dinner.


### Human: What time? ### Assistant: You know, I don't know.


### Human: Shall we say ten? ### Assistant: All right. Just wake me up.


### Human: Shall we say ten? ### Assistant:


### Human: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth? ### Assistant: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.


### Human: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? ### Assistant: Do I have to sit up?


### Human: No. ### Assistant: Knock yourself out.


### Human: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and... are you wearing a grocery bag? ### Assistant: I have misplaced my pants.


### Human: I'm not going to press charges, but I assume you'll want to punish him. ### Assistant: 'Preciate the suggestion, lady, but he hates that. And I gotta live with him.


### Human: Well, if you won't discipline him, I'll come back and speak with his mother. ### Assistant: No! Wait! Wait!  Madam, I run a house of discipline. The boy will be disciplined, and disciplined severely. Good day.


### Human: Well, if you won't discipline him, I'll come back and speak with his mother. ### Assistant: Oh, I don't know how to punish you! What does Marge usually do?


### Human: She makes me taste beer. ### Assistant: C'mon, boy. Give your old man a little credit.


### Human: She makes me taste beer. ### Assistant: Yeah, well, I still get to punish you.


### Human: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are? ### Assistant: I told you last night, no!  Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.


### Human: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for -- ### Assistant: I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz! He's my son and I don't want him --


### Human: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for -- ### Assistant: working... so... late... that...


### Human: Oh, I agree. Kids need rules and boundaries. ### Assistant: Yes, everyone loves rules...


### Human: It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs... ### Assistant: Oh, yeah, drugs. Ya gotta have drugs.


### Human: This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it? ### Assistant: Uh, this isn't gonna be about Jesus, is it?


### Human: That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there. ### Assistant: Helen, as a responsible parent, I was already well aware of that.


### Human: Homer, I'm as permissive as the next parent. I mean, just yesterday, I let Todd buy some Red Hots with a cartoon devil on the box. But you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a burlesque house! ### Assistant: Oh, no?! Well, if Homer Simpson wants his ten-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten-year-old son is going to work in a burlesque house! That's...


### Human: Homer, I'm as permissive as the next parent. I mean, just yesterday, I let Todd buy some Red Hots with a cartoon devil on the box. But you can't possibly think it's appropriate for your ten-year-old son to work in a burlesque house! ### Assistant: Hi! Now, Marge, you're going to hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house...


### Human: "Maison Derriere"?! I can't believe there's a place like that in our wholesome little town. Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there? ### Assistant: No! I only learned that four days ago.


### Human: What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? ### Assistant: I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So, in a way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up!


### Human: Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle! Do something! ### Assistant: Don't you worry, son.


### Human: Dad, we can't let this happen to Belle! Do something! ### Assistant: My friends! Stop!


### Human: Please hurry. ### Assistant: Sure, we could tear this house down...


### Human: Please hurry. ### Assistant: No! My friends! Stop!


### Human: Please hurry. ### Assistant: Let me finish. We could tear it down, but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves...


### Human: Please hurry. ### Assistant: You could close down Moe's or the Kwik-E-Mart, and nobody would care / But the heart and soul of Springfield's in our Maison Derriere...


### Human: Stop! No! ### Assistant: What are you doing, Marge? Didn't you hear the song?


### Human: Chip! ### Assistant: Take it off!


### Human: All right, Dad, you've been warned. Let's go. ### Assistant: Hey...


### Human: C'mon... ### Assistant: Easy...


### Human: Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating? We're getting food all over. ### Assistant: Yoink.


### Human: Hello Marge. How's the family?  I don't want to talk about it. Mind your own business. ### Assistant: Keep it down in there, everybody.


### Human: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? ### Assistant: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.


### Human: Well, I pictured cocktail parties and candle-lit dinners. I pictured napkins...  Homer, I want to throw a dinner party. ### Assistant: Oh, I hate having parties. The toilet always gets backed up.


### Human: Oooh, a punch bowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't it be perfect for the dinner party? ### Assistant: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?


### Human: Well... maybe we could use it once and then return it. ### Assistant: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.


### Human: Homer?! ### Assistant: Whaaaaaat?!


### Human: Are you ready? ### Assistant: I just gotta put my shoes on.


### Human: Huh. I should have asked them to hurl some bacon, then maybe I coulda had a decent breakfast for once. ### Assistant: You know what you two need? A little comic strip called "Love Is." It's about two naked eight year olds who are married.


### Human: You wanna talk? Go ahead, Luann, talk! Why don't you tell 'em one of your little bedtime stories, huh?  Like the one about how rotten it is to be married to a loser; or how about the one about how I carry a change-purse? Yeah, a purse! ### Assistant: Shut up and let the woman talk.


### Human: Okay, Kirk, I'll tell a story. It's about a man whose father-in-law gave him a sweet job as manager of a cracker factory... ### Assistant: Boring!


### Human: A man whose complete lack of business sense and managerial impotence... ### Assistant: Ooh, here we go!


### Human: It's a door. Use it! ### Assistant: That's a door?


### Human: Oh, okay.  Ta-ta, I'm off to the beauty salon. ### Assistant: G'night... Thanks for coming... We'll see you... Ba-bye...  Well, I think that went pretty well.


### Human: I feel terrible. The Van Houtens split up at our party. ### Assistant: Marge, please, that was twenty minutes ago.


### Human: I shouldn't have served those North Korean fortune cookies. They were so insulting: "You are a coward." No one likes to hear that after a nice meal. ### Assistant: You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once and move on.


### Human: Uh, singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want.  Today I drank a beer in the bathroom. ### Assistant: The one down the hall.


### Human: I sleep in a racing car. Do you? ### Assistant: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.


### Human: That's Jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store. ### Assistant: Thanks for introducing me.


### Human: Homer, get ready! ### Assistant: For what?


### Human: Remember? Luann and Chase are taking us out to hear Spalding Gray. ### Assistant: I don't wanna go to that.


### Human: You said you'd do it as a favor to me. ### Assistant: That doesn't sound like something I'd say.


### Human: Fine. I'll go without you. ### Assistant: Okay. Love you.


### Human: Oh! My demo tape! ### Assistant: "Can I Borrow A Feeling?"  "Can I Borrow A Feeling?"  There's your picture on the front.


### Human: Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. ### Assistant: I already did.


### Human: You know why all this happened, don't you? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. Y'know, in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework. ### Assistant: Oh yeah. You gotta do that.


### Human: I could've at least stayed in shape for her. ### Assistant: Oh, and for yourself.


### Human: I could've taken just a little time to... to make her feel special. ### Assistant: It can't just be sex. It can't.


### Human: God, I was so self-centered. No wonder I didn't see it coming.  That's how it is, though: one day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink. ### Assistant: Ooh, that's tough, pal. But it's never going to happen to me.


### Human: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special? ### Assistant: 'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.


### Human: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special? ### Assistant: Marge, I'm home! Where are you? Are you okay? I don't smell dinner!


### Human: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special? ### Assistant: "Dear Homer," aww.  "Sorry you didn't want to join me tonight. I left you hot dogs for dinner. They're thawing in the sink."


### Human: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special? ### Assistant:


### Human: Oh, okay.  Can I stay up? ### Assistant: All right.


### Human: Oh, okay.  Can I stay up? ### Assistant: As you know, there's been a lot of talk about divorce lately, and I think your mom might not be happy with me.


### Human: You've done a lot of crazy stuff over the years and she's stood by you. Why would she leave you now? ### Assistant: 'Cause there's lots of stuff she doesn't know about.


### Human: You mean like your poker shack out in the swamp? ### Assistant: Mm-hm.


### Human: She knows. ### Assistant: Oh, I knew this would happen. Our whole marriage started off on the wrong foot.


### Human: You're very lucky to have Mom. ### Assistant: That's your advice?! Go to bed!


### Human: Homie, I appreciate this, but I'd really like to get some sleep. ### Assistant: Oh, of course, my sweet. I'll just make some soothing ocean sounds for you.


### Human: Edmondo, don't you think you're taking a lot off --  Ah!... Homer! What are you doing?! ### Assistant: I wanted to surprise you with a kicky summer 'do. How many husbands would do that for their wives?


### Human: None! They would have more sense than that. ### Assistant: Ooh! You're feisty. I'm gonna give you a Madonna cut.


### Human: Only three cavities, Bart. Your best check-up ever. I'm going to make you my specialty -- butterscotch chicken. ### Assistant: Marge? Can you come in here? We need to talk.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Marge, will you marry me?


### Human: Why? Am I pregnant? ### Assistant: No, it's a second wedding, Honey. Our first one was so crummy, I had to make it up to you. I really love you.


### Human: Oh, Homie. I know you love me. We don't need to get married again. ### Assistant: Yes, we do. I got us a divorce this afternoon.


### Human: What? ### Assistant: I didn't want a hokey second wedding like those ones on TV. This one is for real. I want our marriage to be perfect, right from the start, so we don't end up like Kirk and Luann.


### Human: Dearly beloved -- ### Assistant: Wait! I want one last chance to enjoy single life.


### Human: Dearly beloved -- ### Assistant: Okay, ready.


### Human: Good morning.  One donut with sprinkles, and...   Wait a minute -- these are not sprinkles, Sir! ### Assistant: Whaddya mean?


### Human: You have clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the donut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles! ### Assistant: Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was.


### Human: Ah, looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. Frankly, I would've expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag. ### Assistant: Hey, what's this thing?


### Human: An automatic dialer? Is that legal? I don't want you getting arrested, Homer... ### Assistant: I won't.


### Human: Or swindling our neighbors. ### Assistant: Let me show you how it works. This baby has every phone number in town programmed into it. It automatically calls them one by one and plays my message. Listen.


### Human: Hmm. One dollar for eternal happiness... Mmmm, I'd be happier with the dollar. ### Assistant: Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in!


### Human: But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling! ### Assistant: Tele-panhandling.


### Human: But I'm all Milhouse! Plus, my Mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school! ### Assistant:


### Human: Why it's the AT-5000 Autodialer, my very first patent!  Aw, wouldja listen to the gibberish they've got you saying! It's sad and alarming. You were designed to alert schoolchildren about snow days and such. Well, let's get you home to Frinky. Hope your wheels still work. ### Assistant: Oh, no you don't!


### Human: Lisa! The cops are chasing me. I need a place to hide! ### Assistant: Lisa's window is the next one!


### Human: Ned, did you plug that phone back in?! ### Assistant: Shut up!!


### Human: Well, that thing's been drivin' the whole town nuts! Got me out of the bath seven times. Seven! ### Assistant: Hey, who shot the auto-dialer?  Marge's auto-dialer?


### Human: Dad, wake up! ### Assistant: ... Is it... Wah?


### Human: I think a hurricane is coming! ### Assistant: Oh, Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.


### Human:  ### Assistant: What is it, boy? Fire? Earthquake? Hippies?


### Human:  ### Assistant: Hurricane!  Somehow the animals are always the first to know.


### Human: Oh, it'll be fun. We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra. ### Assistant: Oh, I'm sure I'd be a third wheel.


### Human: No, sirree, we'd be happy as hens to ha-- ### Assistant: I would make it my business to be a third wheel.


### Human: Okilly-dokilly.  Oo, I better go take down the manger scene. If baby Jesus got loose, he could really do some damage. ### Assistant: Okay, it's the standard Grampa drill. Everybody into the cellar!


### Human: Why don't we do something to take our minds off the storm? ### Assistant: Use your main finger on the yellow side and your other finger on the orange side and turn it.


### Human: It's dying down! ### Assistant: All clear, everyone.


### Human: Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. ### Assistant: Relax. Can't you see how eerily calm it is?


### Human: Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. ### Assistant: See? I told you it was over.


### Human: Dad, no! This may just be the eye of the hurricane. ### Assistant: Hmm. I don't remember a bowling alley being th--


### Human: The hurricane's over. ### Assistant: He fell for it! Way to go, Marge!


### Human: Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for. ### Assistant: Now that kinda attitude's not gonna get your house back.


### Human: I'm sure your insurance will cover the house. ### Assistant: Talk to me!!


### Human: Y'know, it's kinda funny. The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones. They're all we have left. ### Assistant: Well, call us if you need anything.


### Human: Glad to do it. / Sure. / Happy to help out. / Etc. ### Assistant: Hope you like it, neighbor. We didn't have the best tools or all the know-how, but we did have a wheelbarrow full of love.


### Human: Uh-huh. Ooh, looks like a loose nail. ### Assistant: Eh, one out of twenty-five ain't bad.


### Human: Uh-huh. Ooh, looks like a loose nail. ### Assistant: Your beautiful kitchen, Ned. Just as you remember it.


### Human: Well, I've seen about enough. ### Assistant: So, Flanders, what do you think of the house that love built?


### Human: Well, I've seen about enough. ### Assistant: Aw, shoot.


### Human: Homer, you are the worst human being I have ever met. ### Assistant: Hey, I got off pretty easy.


### Human: The man who lived next door until his house blew down. ### Assistant: Oh, him.


### Human: Homer, can you be that annoying? ### Assistant: I... What?


### Human: Mmm. He's not responding.  Proceed to Level Two Antagonism. ### Assistant: "Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent."


### Human: Ah, he's still repressing.  Maximum hostility factor. ### Assistant: "I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other."  Now that's psychiatry!  Eh? Eh?


### Human: Ho ho ho. Very funny, wise guy. ### Assistant: Aw, that's it. You just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.


### Human: Hi, neighbor! ### Assistant: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.


### Human: Um, did you like it? ### Assistant: C'mon, Flanders. There's got to be something you hate. What about mosquito bites?


### Human: Mmm, mmm. 'Sure are fun to scratch. Mmm. Satisfying. ### Assistant: What about, uh,  fluorescent lights?


### Human: Oh, they hum like angels. You're never lonely if you've got a fluorescent light. ### Assistant: See? You like everything.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Ned, you so crazy.


### Human: Well, I just felt like filling the house with the rich, satisfying smell of tobacco. ### Assistant: You're nuts.  I gotta get some fresh air.


### Human: No, Homie, wait! ### Assistant: What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from m--  What's that smell? Onions... Chili powder... Cumin... Juicy ground chuck...  It's chili! Oh my God, I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off!


### Human: No, Homie, wait! ### Assistant: I'm missing the Cook-Off! It's going on right now and I'm missin' it!


### Human: Okay, we'll go to the Chili Cook-Off. But I want you to promise me you won't have any beer. ### Assistant: Okay, quit naggin' me. I won't have any beer. Geez, why don't you have a cigarette or something?


### Human: Eight spices! Oh, some must be doubles.  "Or-uh-GAHN-o?" What the hell...? ### Assistant: Marge, we're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy!


### Human: Eight spices! Oh, some must be doubles.  "Or-uh-GAHN-o?" What the hell...? ### Assistant: Fine. I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun.


### Human: Remember your promise: no drinking. ### Assistant: Stupor Pooper.


### Human: They say he carved it himself, from a bigger spoon. ### Assistant: Five-alarm chili, eh?


### Human: Um-hm. ### Assistant: One... two...  Hey, what's the big idea?


### Human: Woo-woo! ### Assistant: Hmmm. A bland, timid entry -- suitable, perhaps, for patients recovering from surgery. Heh, heh, heh.


### Human: That Simpson, he thinks he's the Pope of Chilitown. Well, this year I am ready for him! ### Assistant: Hello, Chief.


### Human: Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. ### Assistant: Uh, Wiggy...? My chili's gettin' cold.


### Human: Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. ### Assistant:


### Human: Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. ### Assistant: Hot! Hot!


### Human: You promised you wouldn't drink! ### Assistant: But I need it!


### Human: You promised you wouldn't drink! ### Assistant: Aw, lousy Wiggum. Now the whole town thinks I'm a chili wuss...


### Human: You don't wanna get wax in your mouth, do you? ### Assistant: Maybe I do, son. Maybe I do.


### Human: You don't wanna get wax in your mouth, do you? ### Assistant: Outstanding.


### Human:  ### Assistant: More, please.


### Human: His ears if we're lucky! ### Assistant: Well, Chief, don't quit your day job... heh, heh, heh... whatever that is.


### Human: His ears if we're lucky! ### Assistant: Heh, heh! My finest hour!  And Marge wasn't even here to see it.


### Human: His ears if we're lucky! ### Assistant: Ooh. I don't feel so good.


### Human: His ears if we're lucky! ### Assistant: Flanders! You gotta help me!


### Human:  ### Assistant: What's happening to me? Okay, retrace your steps... woke up, fought with Marge, ate Guatemalan insanity peppers. Then I --  Ohhhh.


### Human: You are on a quest for knowledge. ### Assistant: Who said that?


### Human: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide. ### Assistant: Hiya.


### Human: There is a lesson you must learn. ### Assistant: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.


### Human: No, I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away, with a thousand thoughts at once. ### Assistant: Yeah, that's me all right.


### Human: Clarity is the path to inner peace. ### Assistant: But what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?


### Human: Are you kidding? If anything, you should get more possessions. You don't even have a computer! ### Assistant: You know, I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey, and I would -- Hey!!


### Human:  ### Assistant: Knock it off!


### Human: Sorry.  I am a coyote... ### Assistant: Look, just gimme some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with ya.


### Human: Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness. So listen well: To make yourself complete, you must find your soul mate. ### Assistant: Soul mate?


### Human: Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond... a profound, mystical understanding. ### Assistant: That's it? Well, that's Marge. Big deal.  Great spiritual quest, wolfie. My soul mate is Marge.


### Human: Is it? ### Assistant: Hey, wait! Come back!...


### Human: Is it? ### Assistant: A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way!... Now less!... Now none!


### Human: Is it? ### Assistant:


### Human: Hey, get off the course, you bum! Security! ### Assistant: Wha? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap...  Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the Pro Shop!


### Human: Hey, get off the course, you bum! Security! ### Assistant: Carl?


### Human: Hey, get off the course, you bum! Security! ### Assistant: And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.


### Human: Hi, Homer. Find your soul mate. ### Assistant: Hey, wait a minute. There's no such thing as a talking dog.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Damn straight.


### Human: So then I says to Mabel, I says... ### Assistant: Hi, kids.


### Human: I'll finish this later.  Hi, Dad. ### Assistant: Where's your mother?


### Human: So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says... ### Assistant: Hi, honey.


### Human: So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says... ### Assistant: Uh-oh. I guess you're cranky because I didn't come home last night...


### Human: I'm "cranky" because my husband got drunk and humiliated me in front of the entire town. You broke your promise, Homer. ### Assistant: Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk. I just went to a strange fantasy world.  C'mon, you gotta believe me. You're my soul mate.


### Human: Don't "soul mate" me! ### Assistant: Okay.


### Human: Don't "soul mate" me! ### Assistant: That coyote said my soul mate would understand me, but Marge doesn't understand me at all. Maybe we're not kindred spirits. We don't have anything in common...


### Human: Don't "soul mate" me! ### Assistant: Look at these records! Jim Nabors, Glen Campbell, the Doodletown Pipers! Now look at her records... They stink!  Maybe I had that crazy dream for a reason...


### Human: Don't "soul mate" me! ### Assistant: Wherever my soul mate is, it's not here.


### Human: Don't "soul mate" me! ### Assistant: ...I always just figured my wife was my soul mate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?


### Human: Okay, but I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum. ### Assistant: Well what about you, Lenny?


### Human: Find your soul mate, Homer. Find your soul mate. ### Assistant: Where? Where?!


### Human: Either that or Batman has really let himself go. ### Assistant: Alone! I'm alone! I'm a lonely, insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!


### Human: Either that or Batman has really let himself go. ### Assistant: A ship! A ship with people! I know... I'll bring them to me! And then they'll have to be my friends!


### Human: Either that or Batman has really let himself go. ### Assistant: Come here, people!


### Human: Aye... the hotpants. ### Assistant: Well, I won't be lonely for long....


### Human: Aye... the hotpants. ### Assistant:


### Human: Oh, Homer, thank goodness you're safe! ### Assistant: Marge?


### Human: I woke up and you weren't there, and I was so worried... ### Assistant: Really? You were?  But how did you find me?


### Human: Well, I was sure you'd be on foot, because you always say public transportation is for losers. And I was sure you'd head west, because Springfield slopes down that way. And then I saw the lighthouse, and I remembered how you love blinking lights... like the one on the waffle iron... ### Assistant: Or that little guy on the "Don't Walk" sign.


### Human: Yeah. ### Assistant: Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soul mates because...


### Human: ...we had a fight? ### Assistant: Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus...


### Human: ...and you're from Mars. ### Assistant: Oh, sure. Give me the one with all the monsters.


### Human: Homer, don't you see? Our differences are only skin-deep... ### Assistant: ...But our sames go right down to the bone. Maybe we do have a...


### Human: ...a profound mystical understanding? ### Assistant: Hey... we do! Oh, Marge!


### Human: ...a profound mystical understanding? ### Assistant: We're number one! We're number one! In your face, space coyote!


### Human: Space coyote? ### Assistant: Omigod! The ship!


### Human: We'll all be killed! ### Assistant: The light! We gotta get the light back on!


### Human: We did it! ### Assistant: We sure did... soul mate.


### Human: But Homer, it's ten in the morning. ### Assistant: Don't worry, I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system like so...


### Human: But Homer, it's ten in the morning. ### Assistant: Then, I insert this old videotape of us working on a continuous loop...


### Human: Another Duff, Homer? ### Assistant: Nah, it's Friday night Moe. I wanna try something special.


### Human: Uh, here you go. Düff.  From Sweden. ### Assistant: Skoal!  Wait a minute -- this is Duff!


### Human: Ah, ha ha, you got me, didn't ya?  All right, here you go -- "Red Tick Beer." ### Assistant: Hmm, bold -- refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on.


### Human: Just a second, Homer, you gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home. ### Assistant: Eh, I guess I'll walk home.


### Human: Oh, son, I'm glad to see ya. I went for the morning paper and I got lost, and... ### Assistant: No time for you, old man!


### Human: Aww. ### Assistant: Please, don't hurt me!


### Human: Don't be afraid. ### Assistant: Yaaaa...


### Human: Don't be afraid. ### Assistant: Uh!


### Human: Homer, it's two a.m.! What happened? ### Assistant: It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid!"


### Human: Have you been drinking? ### Assistant: No! Well, ten beers...


### Human: Maybe you just dreamed it. ### Assistant: Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky translucent goo! Explain that!


### Human: More sausage? ### Assistant:


### Human: Dad, according to "Junior Skeptic Magazine" the chances are a hundred seventy-five million-to-one of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours. ### Assistant: So?


### Human: I am the thing from Uranus! ### Assistant: Oh. It's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked... by my own children... on my birthday!


### Human: It's your birthday? ### Assistant: Yes. Remember, it's the same day as the dog's?


### Human: Good doggy. Good doggy! ### Assistant: Lousy loveable dog.


### Human: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass... I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. ### Assistant: You don't have to humiliate me.


### Human: Yo! ### Assistant: No, I'm sorry.


### Human: Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie-detector. I'll ask you a few yes-or-no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand? ### Assistant: Yes.


### Human: All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien. ### Assistant: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.


### Human: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. ### Assistant: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?


### Human: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. ### Assistant: You are one fine-lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that.


### Human: I don't believe you, Homer. ### Assistant: You do?! Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy!


### Human: You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear. ### Assistant: Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.


### Human: Homer, please! I try to be supportive, but this has gone too far. Please just let it be. ### Assistant: No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?


### Human: Please, let's just go to sleep. ### Assistant: No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy.  Unless you're feeling... amorous?


### Human: No, I'm not. ### Assistant: Well then, good night!


### Human: Hey, Dad. What's the word from Planet Crackpot? ### Assistant: Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me, too.


### Human: Well, actually, Dad... I believe you. ### Assistant: You do?


### Human: Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure. ### Assistant: Thank you, son. And do you think you could stop the casual swearing?


### Human: Hell, yes. ### Assistant: That's my boy. Well, if you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday we're going back to the woods, and we're going to find that alien!


### Human: What if we don't? ### Assistant: We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.


### Human: They'll buy anything! ### Assistant: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.


### Human: They'll buy anything! ### Assistant:


### Human: They'll buy anything! ### Assistant: I kill me.


### Human: Yo, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer? ### Assistant: Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs... besides, it's such a beautiful night. How about a ghost story?


### Human: And that is how much college will cost for Maggie! ### Assistant: No! No! No-o-o-o-o!


### Human: You know, Dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. I've really had a great time out here. ### Assistant: Yeah, me too.


### Human: You know, Dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. I've really had a great time out here. ### Assistant: It's him!


### Human: I bring you peace. ### Assistant: As a representative of planet earth, let me be the first to say...


### Human: I bring you peace. ### Assistant: Bwah! Bwah! Bwaaaaah!


### Human: I bring you peace. ### Assistant: It's gone. And we still don't have any proof.


### Human: Oh yes we do! I got it all on tape. ### Assistant: Good work, son! We did it! We did it!


### Human: I think there must be a more logical explanation. And I think the people of this town aren't gonna be won over by three seconds of videotape. ### Assistant: Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Doctor Hibbert?


### Human: Is the alien Santa Claus? ### Assistant: Uh, yes.


### Human: Uh, were you on my roof last night, stealing my weathervane? ### Assistant: This interview is over!


### Human: Surprise me! ### Assistant: Take a look at this, Lisa.  You don't see any "Homer is a Dope" T-shirts, do you?


### Human: We sold those out in five minutes. ### Assistant:


### Human: We sold those out in five minutes. ### Assistant: Marge! How could you?


### Human: These shirts are a hundred per cent cotton! And look at the fine stitching on "Dope!" ### Assistant: I'll take two!


### Human: These shirts are a hundred per cent cotton! And look at the fine stitching on "Dope!" ### Assistant: Look! There it is!


### Human: Well, you said you'd bring them peace and love and it looks like you did it. I'm proud of you, Homie. ### Assistant: Thanks, Marge.


### Human: ...and then they gave me back my 500 dollar investment and kicked me out of the club. ### Assistant: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait -- back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail?


### Human: Well, maybe it's all for the best... ### Assistant: What do you need to make money for anyway? As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about.


### Human: Well, maybe it's all for the best... ### Assistant: Ow!  Oh! Call work and tell 'em I won't be in tomorrow.


### Human: Well, that's the miracle of the franchise. You get all the equipment and know-how you need, plus a familiar brand name people trust. You'll be on a rocket ride to the moon. And while you're there, would you pick up some of that nice green moon money for me, Royce McCutcheon. ### Assistant: No deal, McCutcheon. That moon money is mine!


### Human: Marge. ### Assistant: Oh yeah.


### Human: Did you know that disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continue,  aaaayyyyyy... ### Assistant: Uh, your fish are dead.


### Human: Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating! ### Assistant: Hey, pretzels!


### Human: Here? Our plant? ### Assistant: That's right, Lenny. Let's all give in to deliciousness, the Pretzel Wagon way.


### Human: Thank you. ### Assistant: That means thank you, Marge.


### Human: Oh, cheer up, Mom. You can't buy publicity like that. Thousands and thousands of people saw your pretzels injuring Whitey Ford. ### Assistant: You could call 'em Whitey Whackers.


### Human: Of course. Right this way. ### Assistant: Oh, I guess I should speak to the executor of his estate.


### Human: Hello?  Uh, no, Pretzel Wagon's no longer -- Three hundred pretzels?! Wait, wait, let me get this down.  Mmm... Mmm... Meatpackers Union Hall... Batavia, New York... I'll send them right out!  Homer, Homie, wake up! Wake up, I'm back in business! ### Assistant: I had a feeling things would work out for you, honey.


### Human: Here you go, Homer. ### Assistant: Thanks, Moe.


### Human: Hey, wait a minute -- this is real money! ### Assistant: Yeah, my wife is raking it in.


### Human: Greetings, Homer. ### Assistant: Hey, Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?


### Human: Now, the time has come for you to do us a favor. ### Assistant: You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony...  I will say good day to you, sir.


### Human: Homer, did you tell the Mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder? ### Assistant: In those words? Yes.


### Human: Oh, it just sickens me. How could you do this to someone you love? ### Assistant: How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere. I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already bloated snack-hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do: I reached out to some violent mobsters.


### Human: Oh, Homer, I know you were trying to shield me from failure, but this is my business, and the Mafia's not getting one cent of my money! ### Assistant: So what are we gonna do?


### Human:  ### Assistant: Oh, thank God. It's only Grampa.


### Human:  ### Assistant: Now what?


### Human: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies: "Where's the money?," "When are you going to get the money?," "Why aren't you getting the money now?," and so on. So please, the money. ### Assistant: You heard her. She said "no."


### Human: Homie, maybe we should go inside. ### Assistant: But Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet.


### Human: Homie, maybe we should go inside. ### Assistant: Look at him. He's gonna do something. And you know it's gonna be good!


### Human:  ### Assistant:


### Human:  ### Assistant: You must hate me, Marge. Every time I try to help, I just fail miserably.


### Human: Alright, popcorn's ready! ### Assistant: Hey, that's the fire alarm!


### Human: Damnation! What kind of slowcoaches do I have working for me?  Ah, here comes one of our fellows now. ### Assistant: I think I won, Mr. Burns.