Homes and Other Black Holes
Time for Q & A with Dave Barry about that age-old question: "What do I need to know before I buy a house?":Q:What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?"A:Take your total annual family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you may have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may have already won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than 6.Q:Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?A:Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.Q:How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?A:Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among ruins. You must too.Q:What do 1) "charming" and 2) "newly renovated" mean in house ads?A:That's easy! 1) Rooms the size of nasal spray cartons, and 2) that the walls have been pretty well scraped clean in the room where the demonic beings from another dimension came through the TV set and caused the previous occupant's heads to explode.I've been avoiding buying a house for years, and after reading this book, I am convinced I have made the right decision.