You Still Don't Understand
Carefully researched, well written, provocative, and often quite funny, this timely little volume is full of deep wisdom and practical insights not found elsewhere. The narrative moves smoothly between our early origins and the awesome complexities of modern relationships. Truly, a fascinating read!" --Michael Dowd, author ofThank God for EvolutionA politically incorrect analysis of why men are bailing out of relationships and retreating into video games. If you are a man wondering why you aren't involved in a committed relationship, or a woman wondering where all the good men have gone, then you need to read this book. It explains the problem brilliantly." --Helen Smith, Ph.D., author ofThe Scarred HeartYou Still Don't Understandby Richard Driscoll, Ph.D. with Nancy Ann Davis, Ph.D. 2008.Reviewed by Steven Svoboda,TransitionsRichard Driscoll has published a rare thing: an original, even superlative book on two well-worn topics: relationships and gender. Production values are certainly passable enough, but the content itself is nothing less than golden.The author has developed a style all his own: breezy, confident, knowledgeable yet not stuffy, regularly drawing felicitous connections between seemingly unrelated issues.We know we are in for a treat from the very first page, in which Driscoll treats us to a deft, even brilliant paragraph summarizing the current state of gender relations.You Still Don't Understand is rich and concise and is already written as tightly as it can be. Nevertheless I will note that the author holds both sexes in the highest regard, sees their strengths and weaknesses, their similarities and differences, and earnestly wants each of us to understand all of this too so that we can make the very best out of our lives and relationships. He aptly suggests that each new conversation we strike up with our partner can offer a chance to write a better script for our future.Driscoll is certainly not afraid of controversial propositions, though he backs them up so ably that by the time he is done they have been bled of much of their power! For example, he demonstrates the practical and genetic advantages of men s dependence on women. He explains why men succeed at suicide more often while women attempt suicide more frequently. He describes the beneficial aspects of conflict with the other sex. Are you aware that expressions of love obligate men more than women? Driscoll explains why.Some of what the author has to say seems obvious, but only after we have read it, as when he points out that many questions women ask us feel to us like another chance to mess up! Women typically don t understand how strongly their discontent stresses their men. While women often feel their husbands don t take their positions seriously, often just the opposite is true.Moreover, the author is a very funny man. His imagined Stone Age conversation, in which she says the cave is cold and the fire is about to go out, and the fellow sympathizes with her feelings without doing anything about the situation, is hilarious. What s wrong with this picture? Men sometimes come under attack for doing rather than feeling, yet that s precisely what most women actually want us to do. Moreover, the men who are fixers and doers tend to be rewarded with reproductive success, thereby passing their genes on to future generations. Yet for a woman, there are genuine genetic advantages to expressing one s feelings. The author helpfully provides his and hers advice regarding how best to discuss problems a woman wants to share that she is experiencing at work.Driscoll interestingly delves into barriers faced by successful women seeking a mate, who generally desire a man who is more successful than they are. He also quite baldly states, and then documents, why a husband s willingness to comply with what the wife wants, and not the reverse, is the key to marital success. The author then goes on to show us why a supposedly patriarchal arrangement (with a man as head of the household and principal wage-earner and a woman taking the lead at home) benefits women at least as much as it does men. Both women and men find wife-dominated marriages to be the least satisfying.Truly we are all in the author s debt, for there is much we can learn from Driscoll. Do not miss this utterly remarkable and admirably succinct book! I promise you that you won t read another one this year that provides better word-for-word value. Your relationship and your life cannot help but benefit immensely. --Steven Svoboda, inTransitions