When You Can't Say "I Forgive You": Breaking the Bonds of Anger and Hurt
More than a dozen titles have been published in the last year on forgiveness. What does true forgiveness mean, and how does one achieve it? These two titles attempt to answer those questions and more. Each, in fact, goes so far as to claim that forgiveness is important not only for spiritual but also medical reasons (it lowers blood pressure, for example). The Unburdened Heart focuses on Nelson's five-step formula for complete forgiveness: awareness, validation, compassion, humility, and self-forgiveness. The former professional basketball player and sports writer also considers whether to reconcile with the perpetrator or say goodbye and whether one can still forgive if the apology is insincere. At the core of her compelling narrative is her experience of being sexually abused by her high school coach; at the time, she very much believed his story that they were having an adult affair. While researching a previous book, The Stronger Women Get, the More Men Love Football (LJ 5/15/94), she could not get other coaches to comment on abuse, but here she reconnects with her old coach after 20 years to start the forgiving process. Written in straightforward workbook style, Nelson's text ends with three pages of group discussion questions. Ketterman and Hazard, a speaker/ psychiatrist and an author, respectively, write in a more folksy, storytelling style, but their point is no less convincing. Because they take a Christian stance, their book may be especially helpful to religious counselors; the chapter "A Personal Reckoning" poignantly illustrates what forgiveness means. Like Nelson, Ketterman has a deep personal connection to her topic: she had already divorced her successful husband when he called to tell her that he had been arrested and needed her help. They worked through their problems and remarried after he was released from prison. Both of these titles use forceful personal vignettes to show the process of working through events to exoneration. Nelson's book is better arranged for group work, while Ketterman and Hazard's is more amenable to an individual read.DLisa Wise, Broome Cty. P.L., Binghamton, NYCopyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.