An interesting, and different aspect of “resilience” you sort of touch on but don’t spell out is resistance to temptation. Avoiding gluttony if you refer to the deadly sins.

Some family environments may “spoil” the child because wealth allows the care-givers to provide a “Brave New World” like environment to grow up in.

This is very different than an environment where food and shelter isn’t being met and the challenge is to acquire the basics.

In an environment where “getting spoiled” might be an issue what is lacking is the fundamental need to develop autonomy and self-efficacy.

This is the environment I grew up in.

While a student—my dad was always trying to cheer me up with fancy dinners, and sumptuous gifts instead of trying to teach me how to create this same environment for myself.

Later, as an adult—they would discourage me from all attempts to overcome struggle.

Once I had a problem with a supplier while trying to launch a business and the first reaction out from my dad was that I should quit. My struggle was too much for my parents to bear. He didn’t believe I could endure the challenge.

Two things further complicate the situation.

1-

The child in question may also be continually told that they are lucky to be provided for. Isolation may ensue.

2 -

If only one parent is the breadwinner—the spouse may also end up being spoiled because they are out of touch with the circumstances that created the financial privilege.

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Without going too much more into it, I do believe I have developed a much better sense of what to accept and what to reject as gifts. I’m not perfect at it, but here is my thinking right now.

Reject material goods. Reject rent payments. Reject the payment of household expenses.

Accept experiences and time together. This is not as easy as it sounds.

For example, how should I pay for extra activities if my dad has picked out a luxurious resort and is inviting me on his dime? If it was my dollar, I would have opted for a much cheaper backpacking trip where 7 days camping equate to to one night at said resort. Still—I don’t want to have a bad time while I’m on vacation and so I choose to do these activities which he is more than happy to pay for. (Previously I have been on miserable vacations where I did nothing fun because I felt bad about spending his money. Truth is—I can’t afford this place on my own.)

At the end of the day—we are a family and we need to get along and we need to understand each other. We need to spend time together. We actually even like spending time together.

If I’m ever as financially successful as my father I need to make sure that these rules are clear up front for my children.

The more complicated wrinkle is with my mother who divorced my father. She is spoiled and spends her money very poorly. There is nothing I wish for more than to see her run her life with self-efficacy. She should have enough self-restraint so that she can actually enjoy the very exciting things she does do in life. Still—she dosen’t. In fact, she may never develop the capacity to do this for herself.

Money is a powerful creature. If used correctly—it can really enhance life. If used incorrectly, it can destroy you. In my life—I have seen it do both.