I started to get better once I began to understand what had happened to me. It's awesome that you are already aware of your coping habits, how it's affecting you, and what you are trying to avoid. It took me a long time to realize I had even been affected by trauma, and it took even longer to realize how I was coping.

The book 'The Body Keeps the Score' that showed up recently on here[1] has been immensely helpful for me. It explains all of the changes your body and mind go through after trauma. Before reading that book I tried to treat the symptoms and it didn't work. I also didn't realize that a lot of the things I was dealing with were really symptoms of underlying trauma. Reading the book is hard (there are lots of stories of other people's trauma that can be triggering) and I cry a lot and need to take a break to self soothe but it's been my roadmap to getting through this. This is the first paragraph of chapter 13, when the book finally explains how to heal:

> What has happened cannot be undone. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of trauma on body, mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you may label as anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.

> Trauma robs you of the feeling of being in charge of yourself...The challenge of recovery is to reestablish ownership of your body and mind--of your self. This means feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed. For most people this involves 1.) finding a way to become calm and focused 2.) learning to maintain that calm in response to images, thoughts, sounds, or physical sensations that remind you of the past, 3.) finding a way to be fully alive in the present and engaged with the people around you, 4.) not having to keep secrets from yourself, including secrets about the ways that you have managed to survive.

For 1.) yoga and meditation have been really helpful for me. Both yoga and meditation have been clinically proven to help PTSD sufferers. For meditation I enjoy using the Headspace app. I've mostly been doing yoga with Youtube videos by 'Yoga with Adriene'. I would suggest starting with the video 'Yoga For Post Traumatic Stress' or the 'Dedicate 30 day Yoga Journey'. All you need is a mat. I've started going to in person yoga classes and it's been really nice but I did yoga on my own for about a month beforehand.

For 2.) I've been learning how to 'ground' which is essentially mindfulness with a focus on your touch points (your feet on the floor, your butt in the chair, etc). The breathwork from yoga and meditation is also super hepful. Your breath is one of the few things under both conscious and autonomic control so you can use it to tap into the part of your body that is losing it when you're triggered.

3.) comes back to mindfulness, and again yoga and meditation are really helpful. After experiencing trauma I started to disassociate all the time. Now I can usually notice when it starts and check back in with myself.

For 4.) therapy, journaling, and self help books have been helpful for me. I would suggest trying multiple therapists until you find one you like. The consensus seems to be that you eventually need to revisit trauma to move past it, but you don't want to do that until you have the tools to revisit it without reliving it. You might be able to do that on your own but I feel a lot safer doing that with a trained professional. I've also realized that the stuff I am dealing with is a little too intense to expect a friend or partner to deal with so my choices are either journaling or therapy.

As I've worked on those 4 things the hold of addictive behaviors and coping mechanisms has started to loosen. It's easier to not drink when I'm actually comfortable being in my own skin and feeling what I feel. I still compulsively check my phone sometimes but I try to acknowledge what I'm doing and ask myself what need I'm trying to fulfill when I do it.

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21340636