I won't make it through the end of the year and it's all preventable. Nearly everything I see posted about suicidal people from non-suicidal people, and ESPECIALLY doctors get it wrong and avoids root causes in some self serving attempt to justify their failures or live with that existential fear. Most people I have known professionally when I was a provider, and personally since I became a victim, who were suicidal didn't have some unexplainable mental illness. Their depression and psychological issues were entirely rooted in real life things that could be solved or mitigated, but people, systems, society refuses to solve them because it costs money...and money matters more than lives. Very few people have primary, intractable mental illnesses.

I tried one last time to talk to my family recently...very right wing, faux Christian, self-righteous, bigoted people who think those in need are weak, didn't try hard enough, are to blame. They have never been decent people and I avoided them my entire adult life but was forced to grovel when my health got worse and I was denied official assistance. It's been nothing but misery and makes everything worse. It's a gravity well I cannot escape, I am powerless to do anything but scream online between gurgling breaths as the riptide takes me away and they seem to enjoy that power and getting me back for all that time I did avoid them. Despite a career seeing the worst people did to each other, you never want to accept those who claim to love you are that bad as well. But people show their true selves when they have power over others, when they have an opportunity to exercise their wills, when there is someone smaller/weaker/needier in their path...people will show you who they are every time. Every time.

I am not depressed because of some temporary situation. I am not suicidal because of a chemical imbalance. I had my health stolen, my finances decimated, and my life punched down on hard by anyone who was supposed to be there for me...for whom I would have been there. I am clinging to Maslow's bottom rung and losing my grip and nobody who can do anything cares at all. Everyone I have ever known who is suicidal has some real, actionable reasons like this underlying it. But all people say is "get help"..."take pills"...."meditate". That's all putting a bandaid over a gunshot wound and ignoring the trauma underneath because dealing with that is harder and costs more. People just aren't worth that to others. I am going to die angry and alone and they all know it and do nothing but antagonize, threaten, and make it about themselves. They have important things to do like rage at "liberals" ruining the world and how unfair everyone is being to Trump. Their kids and neighbors and everyone else are tools and threats to them, nothing more, they are so incredibly ego driven it's astonishing. They say "not with MY money" to everything social for others, even as they collect their social security or use subsidized systems. That's what matters to them...their own gain and power. Not me...not others. They are legion in this country. By an accident of birth I was both ruined and abandoned. Both rooted in selfish profit driven mindsets. Had I been born in the fist world the profit driven surgery likely wouldn't have even happened, but had it I would get social assistance. Not here...here I get to go live in a ditch or die.I am too old, too broken, need too much to survive and I refuse to suffer MORE because of this backwards culture so option B it is. Thanks Murica.

No SSRI or deep breathing solves those situations...and most people who end their lives didn't have to if people would do the right thing. But the right thing isn't profitable. So they push pills, write articles, cherry pick survivor-biased tales that show someone who "got better" who didn't really have any problems at the core. They show this as some enlightenment or evidence and hold it up but the light is focused on that and ignores the piles and piles of bodies underneath who were ignored or bypassed because it was too hard and not good for business. Most people don't care about you...they don't care about society...they care about themselves.

I had a nightmare just last night about a victim I recall from early in my career...in such a horrible personal situation...who died in such a terrible way. She didn't have to. She was pushed to it and then allowed to because nobody she reached out to would help. I've seen dozens like that...and not a single one of them had to die. Every one of them was failed by their family, by their neighbors, by systems...it's shameful. But enough about silly bleeding heart things like people and the planet and whatever. There are important things to do like get those likes, those dopamine hits, shut down those losers in a political argument or downvote someone to signal how wrong they are, make those dolla dolla bills convincing someone to buy that useless to society "product" or cash out big to someone else who will because those luxury status symbols won't buy themselves. After all anyone who is suffering only has themselves to blame and didn't want it bad enough or step on enough other heads to get it. Losers.