'Easier said than done when you love someone, have a 20 year history and 3 kids ;)|||I haven't posted since back in early November.  A brief overview~ husband is INTP, over the past couple of years we have been going through therapy, learning our different communication and...|||These were really good, concrete examples, thank you.  For me, specifics really help.  He is similar in bringing up big/global issues and I sometimes take them personally, and they are not personal...|||An update: Still continuing our evening talks which have been good.  I think we are both learning how to listen to one another.  I had hoped my update would be filled with insight and big ah ha...|||Quote Originally Posted by Kebachi View Post Let us know if there's a status update on this BTW, I hope things are working out better between the two of you.  Thanks, I will post an update...|||Thanks, I will post an update~ lots of talking, really trying to keep all of the good advice in mind as we work through some of this.  It is hard and emotionally draining but I feel like we are...|||LOL, on Titanic, definitely his idea of hell!  Baran it is!  So funny you mention the molecular delectable cuisine, he has talked about these molecular restaurants (none in our area).  And I love the...|||I tried to post a Thank Your earlier but don't see it anywhere.  I'll try to re-say what I said before.  I want to thank all of the INTPs that have given their input related to the things my husband...|||I think he is learning how to take more control and I'm learning how to let him.  Part of that is us learning how to communicate since whether we are together or separated, we will have to always...|||So much good stuff here.   Your comment: But in this you cannot offer solutions or push him in the direction you want him to go even if you are doing so to help him with the best of intentions....|||All such good points, it sounds like you talked to him and are typing the words he needs me to hear!  I just hope I can find the ways to make him feel heard, understood, loved but also in a way that...|||You are exactly right about the passive/steam rolling, thinking/getting stuff done...that is exactly it and has been our pattern for a long time.  I am so glad he finally shared this with me in a way...|||I agree, staying together just for the kids would not be right.  As I've said, his happiness is really important to me and if we can't find a way to break old patterns and for each of us to have a...|||This is very good advice.  We have been talking each day and much of the focus has been breaking old patterns and meeting his needs.  Thanks for your input :)|||Thank you, haven't heard of Fireproof, will check it out.|||I do want him to pursue his hobbies and he knows that.  A few things he has noted in regards to compatibility 1.  since we come from different places, him a thinker, me a feeler, it takes more work. ...|||I hope we can make it work too.  I think the common goals/interests is a good idea.  He and I have a very different perspective on the compatibility.  He doesn't feel we are compatible, I do and want...|||He is pretty confident he is an INTP.  And I would say he is definitely a thinker, that is probably the strongest of all areas for him.  At this point, I think his goals are vague.  That is part of...|||This made me laugh~ I needed that :)   I don't think my husband really knew he wanted to get married, it was more that it was the next step of what you are suppose to do.  For my personality, the...|||Thankfully, we get along very well and respect one another.  We don't yell, name call, insult.  We are both rational people which makes this easier and I need to appreciate that. I think the...|||In broad terms, some of the values we have recently discussed are things like traditional Christmas, the way most people do the holiday, his family, my family and now our family doesn't match up...|||I'm sure you are right that it does take a shit-ton of energy on his part.  That is part of the work we are doing, finding a balance so he doesn't feel so out of control.  Cog in the machine is...|||I have to keep reminding myself that as an INTP he does say things that he is processing but isn't sure he wants that.  Hard for me because I would not say I think we should separate unless I had...|||I think he doesn't know if separating would change it but he feels if he never tries it he will never know?  He thinks we are very different people and may want different things out of the future. ...|||I agree that finding things to show him that I appreciate about him is key.  I worry that if I lean on the you are irreplaceable he will feel I am clinging.  I am going to work on finding ways to...|||That is one of the tough things.  I truly do want him to find happiness and I know I can't provide that!|||Keeping notes of his needs/wants, etc.. is a great idea.  I started that awhile ago but stopped, need to start back up.  I try to keep the calendar updated so he knows what is going on since it is...|||No offense taken, I'm really not trying to get people to say he has issues, I just am looking for input on understanding his personality type a little better so I can work on us in an effective way. ...|||Thanks for the retreat suggestion, will look it over!|||This is good advice, showing him that I need him and appreciate his opinion.  But I feel I have to tread lightly here because he doesn't like the needy thing, that really pushes him away.  BUT,...|||Divorce is right for some people.  I just feel in our case, we have something worth continuing to fight for.  There is a lot of love there on both ends, he is definitely going through something,...|||Divorce is right for some people.  I just feel in our case, we have something worth continuing to fight for.  There is a lot of love there on both ends, he is definitely going through something,...|||This was definitely an issue prior to 2 years ago, especially have 3 young kids!  But now our sex life is pretty great.  We saw a sex therapist and really worked on this, me understanding his need...|||We spent much of last year making time for us a priority.  He says he kind of felt like he was playing a part not being himself in that.  So over the past 4 months or so, I've let him lead.  We...|||You are exactly right about the alone time.  He knows I am in FULL support of this.  He sometimes takes it, sometimes not.  I usually go to bed around 10 and he stays up partly because he needs this...|||We have learned a lot about our patterns over the past couple of years.  I had kind of a rough relationship with my brother.  This resulted in me shutting people down when conversations got too...|||Yes, communication is why we are seeing a therapist.  I thought this forum might give me INTP insight that I can't find elsewhere.  I agree, it is impossible to convey all he feels/thinks since I'm...|||Follow your heart...maybe a break will lead you back to one another?  Easier said than done!  Your happiness is important.  I do think INTPs matter of fact nature, makes them seem critical when they...|||This is helpful.  I do think that is something that he would appreciate and enjoy.  I know he tires very easily from all the relationship talk but we are dealing with a pretty heavy thing, so that is...|||I don't know how long you have been together but if he is open to going to a counselor, I would suggest going and talking things through.  I think maybe relationships are harder for INTPs.  I often...|||[QUOTE=Bazinga187;11477074]Do you know his love language?    Yes, physical touch very important.  And we have really learned a lot from understanding the 5 love languages.  I feel like the part I...|||I replied to this post but didn't realize it was from 2010~ hope things ended up working out if you are even still on this forum :)|||I have been married to an INTP for 15 years.  About two years ago, he shared that he had been in a depression for awhile and I didn't even realize.  We have 3 young kids and so I was very distracted...|||I posted a thread two days ago INTP husband not happy, if interested, that will give you more background.  In short, my INTP husband doesn't think we are compatible.  We both care deeply for one...|||I know just how you feel :(  It is heartbreaking to love someone who loves you back but is struggling so much within.  I'm sure your boyfriend is similar to my husband and just doesn't want to keep...|||Your second paragraph sounds a LOT like us.  I just wish we had done all this hard work/counseling before getting married and having kids.  I think we are a good balance to one another but throw the...|||It is hard to convey everything about him/me/us in a post.  I think for him, it is mostly about us not being compatible.  I come from things as a feeler and he comes from things as a thinker.  This...|||I know that is true for INTPs, that is part of what makes this hard to balance.|||engineer, runner|||Thanks for the input!  I don't have time to reply fully now but so appreciate the reply.  I will reply more later but in short  I know him being a thinker, he analyzes everything and I am sure he...'