diff --git "a/scripts/Dr Strangelove.txt" "b/scripts/Dr Strangelove.txt" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/scripts/Dr Strangelove.txt" @@ -0,0 +1,3570 @@ + 1. + + + + FADE IN: + + SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in + the distance. + + NARRATOR + For more than a year, ominous + rumors have been privately + circulating among high level + western leaders, that the Soviet + Union had been at work on what was + darkly hinted to be the ultimate + weapon, a doomsday device. + Intelligence sources traced the + site of the top secret Russian + project to the perpetually fog + shrouded wasteland below the arctic + peaks of the Zokov islands. What + they were building, or why it + should be located in a such a + remote and desolate place, no one + could say. + + CUT TO: + + ROLL CREDITS + + Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts + "Try a Little Tenderness." Refueling nozzle gently breaks + away from recieving aircraft. + + CUT TO: + + +1 INT. COMPUTER ROOM – BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT 1 + + A phone buzzes. + + PETTY OFFICER + General Ripper, sir. + + MANDRAKE + (to phone on his desk) + Group Captain Mandrake speaking... + + Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the + light of his desk lamp. + + RIPPER + (to phone) + This is General Ripper speaking. + 2. + + + MANDRAKE +Yes, sir. + + RIPPER +You recognize my voice, Mandrake? + + MANDRAKE +I do sir, why do you ask? + + RIPPER +Why do you think I asked? + + MANDRAKE +Well I don't know, sir. We spoke +just a few moments ago on the +phone, didn't we? + + RIPPER +You don't think I'd ask if you +recognized my voice unless it was +pretty damned important do you, +Mandrake? + + MANDRAKE +No, I don't, sir. No. + + RIPPER +Alright, let's see if we stay on +the ball. Has the wing confirmed +holding at their failsafe points? + + MANDRAKE +Yes, sir. The confirmations have +all just come in. + + RIPPER +Very well, now, listen to me +carefully. The base is being put on +condition red. I want this flashed +to all sections immediately. + + MANDRAKE +Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good +idea, keeps the men on their toes. + + RIPPER +Group Captain, I'm afraid this is +not a exercise. + + MANDRAKE +Not an exercise, sir? + + RIPPER + 3. + + +I shouldn't tell you this, +Mandrake, but you're a good officer +and you have a right to know. It +looks like we're in a shooting war. + + MANDRAKE +Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved +sir? + + RIPPER +Mandrake, that's all I've been +told. It just came in on the Red +Phone. My orders are for this base +to be sealed tight, and that's what +I mean to do: seal it tight. Now, I +want you to transmit plan R, R for +Robert, to the wing. Plan R for +Robert. + + MANDRAKE +Is it that bad sir? + + RIPPER +It looks like it's pretty hairy. + + MANDRAKE +Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir. + + RIPPER +Now, last, and possibly most +important, I want all privately +owned radios to be immediately +impounded. + + MANDRAKE +Yes sir. + + RIPPER +They might be used to issue +instructions to saboteurs. As I +have previously arranged, Air +Police will have lists of all +owners and I want every single one +of them collected without +exception. + + MANDRAKE +Yes sir. + + RIPPER +And after you've done that, report +back to me. + 4. + + + Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at + the base. Outside, a SIREN SOUNDS. + + CUT TO: + + +2 EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S 2 + + With escorts. + + NARRATOR + In order to guard against surprise + nuclear attack, America's Strategic + Air Command maintains a large force + of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a + day. Each B- 52 can deliver a + nuclear bombload of 50 megatons, + equal to 16 times the total + explosive force of all the bombs + and shells used by all the armies + in World War Two. Based in America, + the Airborne alert force is + deployed from the Persian Gulf to + the Arctic Ocean, but they have one + geographical factor in common: they + are all two hours from their + targets inside Russia. + + CUT TO: + + +3 INT. B-52 3 + + Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives. + + GOLDIE + Major Kong, I know you're gonna + think this a crazy but I just got a + message from base over the CRM 114. + It decodes as Wing Attack plan R. R + for Romeo. + + KONG + Goldie, did you say Wing Attack, + plan R? + + GOLDIE + Yes Sir, I have. + + KONG + Goldie, how many times have I told + you guys that I don't want no + horsin' around on the airplane? + 5. + + + GOLDIE + I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's + how it decodes. + + KONG + Well I've been to one world fair a + picnic and a rodeo and that's the + stupidest thing I ever heard come + over a set of earphones. You sure + you got today's code? + + GOLDIE + Yes sir, it is. + + KONG + Ah, there's just gotta be something + wrong. Wait just a second, I'm + comin' back. + +Kong examines the decoded message and the code book. + + KONG + Maybe you better get a confirmation + from base. + + GOLDIE + Yes sir. + + BOMBARDIER + Major Kong, is it possible that + this is some kind of loyalty test. + You know, give the go code and then + recall to see who would actually + go? + + KONG + Ain't nobody ever got the go code + yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be + giving us plan R unless them + Russkies had already clobbered + Washington and alot of other towns + with a sneak attack. + + BOMBARDIER + Yes sir. + + GOLDIE + Major Kong, message from base + confirmed. + + KONG + 6. + + + Well boys, I reckon this is it: + nuclear combat, toe to toe with the + Russkies. + + Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn + of the Republic. + + KONG + Now look boys, I ain't much of a + hand at makin' speeches. But I got + a pretty fair idea that something + doggoned important's going on back + there. And I got a fair idea of the + kind of personal emotions that some + of you fella's may be thinking. + Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be + human beings if you didn't have + some pretty strong personal + feelings about nuclear combat. But + I want you to remember one thing, + the folks back home is a countin' + on ya, and by golly we ain't about + to let 'em down. Tell you somethin' + else. This thing turns out to be + half as important is I figure it + just might be, I'd say that you're + all in line for some important + promotions and personal citations + when this thing's over with. That + goes for every last one of you, + regardless of your race, color, or + your creed. Now, let's get this + thing on the hump. We got some + flying to do. + + CUT TO: + + +4 INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO 4 + + Phone rings. + + MISS SCOTT + (shouting) + Buck, should I get it? + + TURGIDSON + (muffled) + Yeah. You have to. + + MISS SCOTT + (to phone) + 7. + + +Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson +is here, but I'm afraid he can't +come to the phone at the moment. +Well, this is his secretary, Miss +Scott. + (softly) +Freddie, how are you? Fine and you? +Oh, we were just catching up on +some of the General's paperwork. +Well, look Freddie, he's very tied +up at the moment. I'm afraid he +can't come to the phone. + (listens) +Well, just a minute. + (shouts to Tuirgidson) +General Turgidson, a General +Puntridge calling. + + TURGIDSON +Tell him to call back. + + MISS SCOTT + (to phone) +Freddie, the General says could you +call back in a minute or two? Oh. + (shouting) +He says it can't wait. + + TURGIDSON +Ah, for Pete... well... Find out +what he wants. + + MISS SCOTT +Freddie, the thing is, the General +is in the powder room right now. +Could you tell me what it's about? +Just a second... + (shouting) +Apparently they monitored a +transmission about eight minutes +ago from Burpleson Air Force Base. + (to phone) +Right. + (shouting) +It was directed to the 843'rd bomb +wing on airborne alert. + (to phone) +Yeah. + (shouting) +It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R. + + TURGIDSON + 8. + + + Um ah, tell him to call uh what's + his name. Base commander. Ripper. I + have to think of everything? + + MISS SCOTT + (to phone) + The General suggests you call + General Ripper, the 843rd base + commander. Oh. + (shouting) + All communications are dead. + + TURGIDSON + Bull! Tell him to do it himself. + + MISS SCOTT + Freddie, the General asks if you + could possibly try again yourself. + (listens) + I see. + (shouting) + He says he's tried personally + several times, but everything is + dead. Even the normal phone lines + are shut down. + +Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling. + + TURGIDSON + (to phone) + Fred. Buck. What's it look like? + Yeah. Waa... are you sure it's plan + R? Huh. What's cookin' on the + threat board.? Nothin? Nothin at + all? Idon't like the look of this, + Fred. Alright, I tell you what you + better do, old buddy. + (slaps his belly) + You better give Elmo and Charlie a + blast, and bump everything up to + condition red and stand by the + blower, I'll get back to you. + (hangs up) + + MISS SCOTT + What's up? + + TURGIDSON + Nothing. Nothing. Where's my + shorts? + + MISS SCOTT + On the floor. Where are you going? + 9. + + + TURGIDSON + No place. No... no place... I just + thought I might mosey over to the + War room for a few minutes. See + what's doing over there. + + MISS SCOTT + It's three o'clock in the morning. + + TURGIDSON + (laughs) + The Air Force never sleeps. + + MISS SCOTT + Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy + either. + + TURGIDSON + I know how it is, baby. Tell you + what you do. You just start your + countdown, and old Bucky'll be back + here before you can say... Blast + Off! + + CUT TO: + + +5 EXT. BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT 5 + + Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers stand + listening. + + RIPPER + 10. + + + Your commie has no regard for human + life, not even his own. And for + this reason, men, I want to impress + upon you the need for extreme + watchfulness. The enemy may come + individually, or he may come in + strength. He may even come in the + uniform of our own troops. But + however he comes we must stop him. + We must not allow him to gain + entrance to this base. Now, I am + going to give you three simple + rules. First, trust no one, + whatever his uniform or rank, + unless he is known to you + personally. Second, anyone or + anything that approaches within 200 + yards of the perimeter is to be + fired upon. Third, if in doubt, + shoot first, and ask questions + afterwards. I would sooner accept a + few casualties through accident + than lose the entire base and its + personnel through carelessness. Any + variation on these rules must come + from me personally. Now, men, in + conclusion, I would like to say + that, in the two years it has been + my privilege to be your commanding + officer, I have always expected the + best from you, and you have never + given me anything less than that. + + CUT TO: + + +6 INT. COMPUTER ROOM – INT. BURPLESON AFB 6 + + Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening to + Ripper's speech, discovers a radio inside a line printer + and switches it on. Soft jazz is playing. + + RIPPER'S VOICE + Today, the nation is counting on + us. We are not going to let them + down. Good luck to you all. + + CUT TO: + + +7 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 7 + + Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic. + 11. + + + AIRMAN + (to Kong) +Here's the attack profile, sir. + + KONG + (announcing through + headset intercom) +This is your attack profile: to +insure that the enemy cannot +monitor voice transmission or plant +false transmission, the CRM114 is +to be switched into all the +receivercircuits. Emergency phase +code prefix is to be set on the +dials of the CRM. This'll block any +transmission other than those +preceded by code prefix. Stand by +to set code prefix. + + GOLDIE +Roger. Ready to set code prefix. + + KONG +Set code prefix. + + GOLDIE + (dials up letters) +OPE Code prefix set. + + KONG +Lock code prefix. + + GOLDIE +Code prefix locked. + + KONG +Switch all receiver circuits to CRM +discriminators. + + GOLDIE +All circuits switched to CRM +discriminators. + + KONG +Check auto destruct circuits. + + GOLDIE +Auto destruct circuits checked. + + KONG + 12. + + + Primary target, the ICBM complex at + Laputa. Target reference Yankee + Golf Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty + megaton nuclear device fused for + airburst at ten thousand feet. + Twenty megaton nuclear device will + be used if first malfunctions. + Otherwise proceed to secondary + target, missile complex seven miles + east of Barshaw. Target reference + November Bravo X-Ray One Zero + Eight. Fused airburst at ten, + check, twelve thousand feet. + + CUT TO: + + +8 INT. BURPLESON AFB 8 + + Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portable + radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrake + enters. + + +9 INT. RIPPER’S OFFICE 9 + + MANDRAKE + Excuse me sir, something rather + interesting's just cropped up. + Listen to that. Music. Civilian + broadcasting. I think those fellows + in the Pentagon have given us some + sort of exercise to test our + readiness. Personally, I think it's + taking it a bit too far; our + fellows will be inside Russian + radar cover in about twenty + minutes. You listen to that. + Traffic block full of stations all + churning it out. + + RIPPER + Mandrake. + + MANDRAKE + Yes, sir? + + RIPPER + I thought I issued instructions for + all radios on this base to be + impounded. + + MANDRAKE + 13. + + + (follows Ripper as he + rises from his chair to + lock his office door) +Well you did indeed sir and I was +in the process of impounding this +very one when I happened to switch +it on. I thought to myself our +fellows hitting Russian radar cover +in twenty minutes, dropping all +their stuff, I'd better tell you, +because if they do, it'll cause a +bit of a stink, won't it? + + RIPPER +Group Captain, the officer exchange +program does not give you any +special prerogatives to question my +orders. + + MANDRAKE +Well I realize that sir, but I +thought you'd be rather pleased to +hear the news. I mean after all, +well let's face it we...we don't +want to start a nuclear war unless +we really have to, do we? + + RIPPER +Please sit down. And turn that +thing off. + + MANDRAKE +Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes, +sir? Surely you must issue the +recall code immediately. + + RIPPER +Group Captain, the planes are not +going to be recalled. My attack +orders have been issued and the +orders stand. + + MANDRAKE +Well, if you'll excuse me saying +so, sir. That would be, to my way +of thinking, rather... well rather +an odd way of looking at it. You +see, if a Russian attack was in +progress we would certainly not be +hearing civilian broadcasting. + + RIPPER +Are you certain of that, Mandrake? + 14. + + + MANDRAKE + I'm absolutely positive about that, + sir, yes. + + RIPPER + And what if it is true? + + MANDRAKE + Well I'm afraid I'm still not with + you, sir. Because, I mean, if a + Russian attack was not in progress + then your use of plan R, in fact + your orders to the entire wing... + oh. Well I would say, sir, that + there was something dreadfully + wrong somewhere. + + RIPPER + Now, why don't you just take it + easy Group Captain. And please make + me a drink of grain alcohol and + rain water, and help yourself to + whatever you'd like. + + MANDRAKE + (salutes) + General Ripper, sir, as an officer + in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is + my clear duty, under the present + circumstances, to issue the recall + code, upon my own authority, and + bring back the wing. If you'll + excuse me sir. Mandrake tries all + exits and finds them locked I'm + afraid sir, I must ask you for the + key and the recall code. Have you + got them handy sir? + + RIPPER + I told you to take it easy, Group + Captain. There's nothing anybody + can do about this thing now. I'm + the only person who knows the three + letter code group. + + MANDRAKE + (voice cracking) + Then I must insist, sir, that you + give them to me. + +Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside, +revealing a blued, pearl handled .45 automatic. + 15. + + + MANDRAKE + Do I take it, sir, that you are + threatening a brother officer with + a gun? + + RIPPER + Mandrake, I suppose it never + occurred to you that while we're + chatting here so enjoyably, a + decision is being made by the + President and the Joint Chiefs in + the war room at the Pentagon. And + when they realize there is no + possibility of recalling the wing, + there will be only one course of + action open: total commitment. + Mandrake, do you recall what + Clemenzo once said about war? + + MANDRAKE + No. I don't think I do sir, no. + + RIPPER + He said war was to important to be + left to the Generals. When he said + that, fifty years ago, he might + have been right. But today, war is + too important to be left to + politicians. They have neither the + time, the raining, nor the + inclination for strategic thought. + I can no longer sit back and allow + Communist infiltration, Communist + indoctrination, communist + subversion, and the international + Communist conspiracy to sap and + impurify all of our precious bodily + fluids. + + CUT TO: + + +10 INT. WAR ROOM – PENTAGON 10 + + MUFFLEY + Sam, is everybody here? + + STAINS + 16. + + +Mr. President, the Secretary of +State is in Vietnam, the Secretary +of Defense is in Laos, and the Vice +President is in Mexico City. We can +establish contact with them at any +time if it's necessary. The +undersecretaries are all here, of +course. + + MUFFLEY +Right. Now, General Turgidson, +what's going on here? + + TURGIDSON +Mr. President, about thirty-five +minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, +the commanding General of Burpleson +Air Force Base, issued an order to +the 34 B-52's of his wing which +were airborne at the time as part +of a special exercise we were +holding called Operation Dropkick. +Now, it appears that the order +called for the planes to attack +their targets inside Russia. The +planes are fully armed with nuclear +weapons with an average load of 40 +megatons each. Now the central +display of Russia will indicate the +position of the planes. The +triangles are their primary +targets, the squares are their +secondary targets. The aircraft +will begin penetrating Russian +radar cover within 25 minutes. + + MUFFLEY +General Turgidson, I find this very +difficult to understand. I was +under the impression that I was the +only one in authority to order the +use of nuclear weapons. + + TURGIDSON +That's right sir. You are the only +person authorized to do so. And +although I hate to judge before all +the facts are in, it's beginning to +look like General Ripper exceeded +his authority. + + MUFFLEY + 17. + + +It certainly does. Far beyond the +point I would have imagined +possible. + + TURGIDSON +Well perhaps you're forgetting the +provisions of plan R, sir. + + MUFFLEY +Plan R? + + TURGIDSON +Plan R is an emergency war plan in +which a lower echelon commander may +order nuclear retaliation after a +sneak attack if the normal chain of +command is disrupted. You approved +it, sir. You must remember. Surely +you must recall, sir, when Senator +Buford made that big hassle about +our deterrent lacking credibility. +The idea was for plan R to be a +sort of retaliatory safeguard. + + MUFFLEY +A safeguard. + + TURGIDSON +I admit the human element seems to +have failed us here. But the idea +was to discourage the Russkies from +any hope that they could knock out +Washington, and yourself, sir, as +part of a general sneak attack, and +escape retaliation because of lack +of proper command and control. + + MUFFLEY +Well I assume then, that the planes +will return automatically once they +reach their failsafe points. + + TURGIDSON +Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see +the planes were holding at their +failsafe points when the go code +was issued. Now, once they fly +beyond failsafe they do not require +a second order to proceed. They +will fly until they reach their +targets. + + MUFFLEY + 18. + + +Then why haven't you radioed the +planes countermanding the go code? + + TURGIDSON +Well, I'm afraid we're unable to +communicate with any of the +aircraft. + + MUFFLEY +Why? + + TURGIDSON +As you may recall, sir, one of the +provisions of plan R provides that +once the go code is received the +normal SSB radios in the aircraft +are switched into a special coded +device, which I believe is +designated as CRM114. Now, in order +to prevent the enemy from issuing +fake or confusing orders, CRM114 is +designed not to receive at all, +unless the message is preceded by +the correct three letter code group +prefix. + + MUFFLEY +Then do you mean to tell me, +General Turgidson, that you will be +unable to recall the aircraft? + + TURGIDSON +That's about the size of it. +However, we are plowing through +every possible three letter +combination of the code. But since +there are seventeen thousand +permutations it's going to take us +about two and a half days to +transmit them all. + + MUFFLEY +How soon did you say the planes +would penetrate Russian radar +cover? + + TURGIDSON +About eighteen minutes from now, +sir. + + MUFFLEY +Are you in contact with General +Ripper? + 19. + + + TURGIDSON +Ah... No sir, no, General Ripper +sealed off the base and cut off all +communications. + + MUFFLEY +Where did you get all this +information? + + TURGIDSON +General Ripper called Strategic Air +Command headquarters shortly after +he issued the go code. I have a +partial transcript of that +conversation if you'd like me to +read it. + + MUFFLEY +Read it. + + TURGIDSON +The duty officer asked General +Ripper to confirm the fact the he +had issued the go code and he said, +"Yes gentlemen, they are on their +way in and no one can bring them +back. For the sake of our country +and our way of life, I suggest you +get the rest of SAC in after them, +otherwise we will be totally +destroyed by red retaliation. My +boys will give you the best kind of +start, fourteen hundred megatons +worth, and you sure as hell won't +stop them now. So let's get going. +There's no other choice. God +willing, we will prevail in peace +and freedom from fear and in true +health through the purity and +essence of our natural fluids. God +bless you all." Then he hung up. +We're still trying to figure out +the meaning of that last phrase, +sir. + + MUFFLEY +There's nothing to figure out +General Turgidson. This man is +obviously a psychotic. + + TURGIDSON + 20. + + + Well, I'd like to hold off judgment + on a thing like that, sir, until + all the facts are in. + + MUFFLEY + (anger rising) + General Turgidson, when you + instituted the human reliability + tests, you assured me there was no + possibility of such a thing ever + occurring. + + TURGIDSON + Well I don't think it's quite fair + to condemn a whole program because + of a single slip up sir. + + MUFFLEY + I want to speak to General Ripper + on the telephone, personally. + + TURGIDSON + I'm afraid that's impossible, sir. + + MUFFLEY + General Turgidson, I am becoming + less and less interested in your + estimates of what is possible and + impossible. General Faceman. + + FACEMAN + Yes, sir. + + MUFFLEY + Are there any army units stationed + anywhere near Burpleson? + + FACEMAN + Well ah, I'll just check, sir. + +Turgidson's phone beeps. + + TURGIDSON + Hello. + (pause, then whispering) + I told you never to call me here; + don't you know where I am? + (pause) + Well look, baby, I can't talk to + you now. My president needs me. Of + course Bucky would rather be there + with you. + (pause) + 21. + + +Of course it isn't only physical. I +deeply respect you as a human +being. Someday I'm going to make +you Mrs. Buck Turgidson. + (pause) +Listen, you go back to sleep. +Bucky'll be back there just as soon +as he can. Alright. Listen, sug', +don't forget to say your prayers. + (hangs up and composes + himself) + + FACEMAN +Apparently, the 23rd airborne +division is stationed seven miles +away at Alvarado. + + MUFFLEY +General Faceman, I want them to +enter the base, locate General +Ripper, and put him in immediate +telephone contact with me. + + FACEMAN +Yes, sir. + + TURGIDSON +Mr. President, if I may advise, +under condition red it is standard +procedure that the base be sealed +off, and the base be defended by +base security troops. Any force +trying to enter there would +certainly encounter very heavy +casualties. + + FACEMAN +General Turgidson, with all due +respect for your defense team, my +boys can brush 'em aside without +too much trouble. + + TURGIDSON +Mr. President, there are one or two +points I'd like to make, if I may. + + MUFFLEY +Go ahead, General. + + TURGIDSON + 22. + + +One, our hopes for recalling the +843rd bomb wing are quickly being +reduced to a very low order of +probability. Two, in less than +fifteen minutes from now the +Russkies will be making radar +contact with the planes. Three, +when they do, they are going to go +absolutely ape, and they're gonna +strike back with everything they've +got. Four, if prior to this time, +we have done nothing further to +suppress their retaliatory +capabilities, we will suffer +virtual annihilation. Now, five, if +on the other hand, we were to +immediately launch an all out and +coordinated attack on all their +airfields and missile bases we'd +stand a damn good chance of +catching 'em with their pants down. +Hell, we got a five to one missile +superiority as it is. We could +easily assign three missiles to +every target, and still have a very +effective reserve force for any +other contingency. Now, six, an +unofficial study which we undertook +of this eventuality, indicated that +we would destroy ninety percent of +their nuclear capabilities. We +would therefore prevail, and suffer +only modest and acceptable civilian +casualties from their remaining +force which would be badly damaged +and uncoordinated. + + MUFFLEY +General, it is the avowed policy of +our country never to strike first +with nuclear weapons. + + TURGIDSON +Well, Mr. President, I would say +that General Ripper has already +invalidated that policy. + (laughs) + + MUFFLEY +That was not an act of national +policy and there are still +alternatives left open to us. + 23. + + + TURGIDSON +Mr. President, we are rapidly +approaching a moment of truth both +for ourselves as human beings and +for the life of our nation. Now, +the truth is not always a pleasant +thing, but it is necessary now make +a choice, to choose between two +admittedly regrettable, but +nevertheless, distinguishable post- +war environments: one where you got +twenty million people killed, and +the other where you got a hundred +and fifty million people killed. + + MUFFLEY +You're talking about mass murder, +General, not war. + + TURGIDSON +Mr. President, I'm not saying we +wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I +do say... no more than ten to +twenty million killed, tops. Uh... +depended on the breaks. + + MUFFLEY +I will not go down in history as +the greatest mass murderer since +Adolph Hitler! + + TURGIDSON +Perhaps it might be better, Mr. +President, if you were more +concerned with the American people, +than with your image in the history +books. + + MUFFLEY +General Turgidson, I think I've +heard quite sufficient from you, +thank you very much! + + STAINS +Mr. President, they have the +ambassador waiting upstairs. + + MUFFLEY +Oh, good. Any difficulty? + + STAINS +They say he's having a fit about +that squad of MPs. + 24. + + + MUFFLEY + Yes, that can't be helped. Have him + brought down here straight away. + + STAINS + Yes, sir. + + TURGIDSON + Is that the Russian Ambassador + you're talking about? + + MUFFLEY + Yes, it is, General. + + TURGIDSON + Ahh, am I to understand the Russian + Ambassador is to be admitted + entrance to the War Room? + + MUFFLEY + That is correct. He is here on my + orders. + + TURGIDSON + I don't know exactly how to put + this, sir, but are you aware of + what a serious breach of security + that would be? I mean... + (begins closing his + notebooks) + ... he'll see everything. He'll see + the big board! + + MUFFLEY + That is precisely the idea, + General. That is precisely the + idea. Stains, get Premier Kissov on + the Hotline. + + CUT TO: + + +11 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 11 + + KONG + 25. + + + Survival Kit contents check. In + them you will find: one 45 caliber + automatic, two boxes of ammunition, + four days concentrated emergency + rations, one drug issue containing + antibiotics, morphine, vitamin + pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, + tranquilizer pills, one miniature + combination Rooshan phrase book and + Bible, one hundred dollars in + rubles, one hundred dollars in + gold, nine packs of chewing gum, + one issue of prophylactics, three + lipsticks, three pair of nylon + stockings – shoot, a fellah could + have a pretty good weekend in Vegas + with all that stuff.... + + CUT TO: + + +12 INT. WAR ROOM 12 + + DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of + a drinking glass, and places the glass on a banquet table + covered with an ornate array of meats, breads, and pies. + + DESADESKI + You don't have any fresh fish? + + AIDE + I'm afraid not sir. + + DESADESKI + Your eggs, then, they are fresh? + + AIDE + Oh, yes, sir. + + DESADESKI + I will have poached eggs. And bring + me some cigars, please. Havana + cigars. + + AIDE + That will be all for you sir? + + DESADESKI + Yes. + + AIDE + Then I'll see to it right away. + 26. + + + GENERAL + Try one of these Jamaican cigars, + ambassador, they're pretty good. + + DESADESKI + Thank you, no. I do not support the + work of imperialist stooges. + + GENERAL + Oh, only commie stooges, huh? + + TURGIDSON + (whispers, clutching his + notebooks to his chest) + Mr. President, you gonna let that + lousy commie punk vomit all over us + like this? + + STAINS + Mr. President, we haven't been able + to reach Premier Kissov in the + Kremlin. They say they don't know + where he is, and he won't be back + for another two hours. + + DESADESKI + Try B86543 Moscow. + + STAINS + Yes, sir. + + DESADESKI + You would never have found him + through his office, Mr. President. + Our Premier is a man of the people, + but he is also... a man, if you + follow my meaning. + + MUFFLEY + (laughs) + Fine. + +Turgidson mutters to a seated General. + + DESADESKI + What did you say? + + TURGIDSON + I said, Premier Kissov is a + degenerate atheist commie! That's + what I said. + + DESADESKI + 27. + + + Mr. President, I formally request + that you have this ignorant fool + removed from the war room. + +DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat, +each waving a pointed finger at another. + + STAINS + (interrupts argument) + I think they're trying the number. + +TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle +begins between DeSadeski and Turgidson. + + MUFFLEY + (to Turgidson and + DeSadeski who is on + Turgidson's lap) + Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. + This is the War Room! What is going + on here? I demand an explanation. + + DESADESKI + This clumsy fool tried to plant + that ridiculous camera on me. + + TURGIDSON + Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr. + Commie. Look at this, Mr. + President. This lousy commie rat + was taking pictures with this + thing. Of the big board! + + MUFFLEY + Mr. Ambassador! + + DESADESKI + This clumsy fool attempted to plant + that ridiculous camera on me. + + TURGIDSON + That's a damn lie! I saw him, with + my own eyes! + + MUFFLEY + Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I + have never heard of such behavior + in the war room before. + + STAINS + Mr. President, I think they're + getting him on the line. + 28. + + + CUT TO: + + +13 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 13 + + The attack begins. + + SOLDIER #1 + You sure gotta hand it to those + commies. + + SOLDIER #2 + Yeah. + + SOLDIER #3 + Gee, those trucks look like the + real thing, don't they? + + SOLDIER #2 + I wonder where they got 'em from. + + SOLDIER #3 + Probably bought them from the army + as war surplus. + + SOLDIER #1 + OK. Open up at 200 yards. + + Firefight begins + + CUT TO: + + +14 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 14 + + Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence. + + CUT TO: + + +15 INT. WAR ROOM 15 + + MUFFLEY + Tell him where you are, and that + you'll enter the conversation if I + say anything that's untrue, but + please don't tell him anything more + than that. Alexiy, Alexiy, + please... I beg you. + + DESADESKI + I don't have a phone. + 29. + + + MUFFLEY + (snaps fingers) +Give him your phone, Frank. + + DESADESKI +Govorit DeSadeski. + (continues in Russian, + then...) +I've done as you asked. Be careful +Mr. President. I think he's drunk. + + MUFFLEY +Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I +can't hear too well, do you suppose +you could turn the music down just +a little? Oh, that's much better. +Yes. Fine, I can hear you now, +Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming +through fine. I'm coming through +fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then +as you say we're both coming +through fine. Good. Well it's good +that you're fine and I'm fine. I +agree with you. It's great to be +fine. + (laughs) +Now then Dimitri. You know how +we've always talked about the +possibility of something going +wrong with the bomb. The bomb, +Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well +now what happened is, one of our +base commanders, he had a sort of, +well he went a little funny in the +head. You know. Just a little... +funny. And uh, he went and did a +silly thing. + (listens) +Well, I'll tell you what he did, he +ordered his planes... to attack +your country. + (listens) +Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me +finish, Dimitri. + (listens) +Well, listen, how do you think I +feel about it? Can you imagine how +I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do +you think I'm calling you? Just to +say hello? + (listens) + 30. + + +Of course I like to speak to you. +Of course I like to say hello. Not +now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm +just calling up to tell you +something terrible has happened. + (listens) +It's a friendly call. Of course +it's a friendly call. Listen, if it +wasn't friendly, ... you probably +wouldn't have even got it. They +will not reach their targets for at +least another hour. + (listens) +I am... I am positive, Dimitri. +Listen, I've been all over this +with your ambassador. It is not a +trick. + (listens) +Well I'll tell you. We'd like to +give your air staff a complete run +down on the targets, the flight +plans, and the defensive systems of +the planes. + (listens) +Yes! I mean, if we're unable to +recall the planes, then I'd say +that, uh, well, we're just going to +have to help you destroy them, +Dimitri. + (listens) +I know they're our boys. + (listens) +Alright, well, listen... who should +we call? + (listens) +Who should we call, Dimitri? + (listens) +The people...? Sorry, you faded +away there. + (listens) +The People's Central Air Defense +Headquarters. Where is that, +Dimitri? + (listens) +In Omsk. Right. Yes. + (listens) +Oh, you'll call them first, will +you? + (listens) +Uh-huh. Listen, do you happen to +have the phone number on you, +Dimitri? + (listens) + 31. + + + What? I see, just ask for Omsk + Information. I'm sorry too, + Dimitri. I'm very sorry. + (listens) + Alright! You're sorrier than I am! + But I am sorry as well. I am as + sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't + say that you are more sorry than I + am, because I am capable of being + just as sorry as you are. So we're + both sorry, alright? + (listens) + Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes, + he wants to talk to you. Just a + second. + + DESADESKI + (continues in Russian. + Gradually becomes + alarmed, then...) + Das voydaniya... + (rests phone on the table + before him) + + MUFFLEY + What... what is it, what? + + DESADESKI + The fools... the mad fools. + + MUFFLEY + What's happened? + + DESADESKI + The doomsday machine. + + MUFFLEY + The doomsday machine? What is that? + + DESADESKI + A device which will destroy all + human and animal life on earth. + + MUFFLEY + All human and animal life? + + CUT TO: + + +16 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 16 + + Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a + comforting arm around his shoulder. + 32. + + + RIPPER + (through his cigar) +Mandrake. + + MANDRAKE +Yes, Jack? + + RIPPER +Have you ever seen a commie drink a +glass of water? + + MANDRAKE +Well, no I... I can't say I have, +Jack. + + RIPPER +Vodka. That's what they drink, +isn't it? Never water? + + MANDRAKE +Well I... I believe that's what +they drink, Jack. Yes. + + RIPPER +On no account will a commie ever +drink water, and not without good +reason. + + MANDRAKE +Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see +what you're getting at, Jack. + + RIPPER +Water. That's what I'm getting at. +Water. Mandrake, water is the +source of all life. Seven tenths of +this earth's surface is water. Why, +you realize that.. seventy percent +of you is water. + + MANDRAKE +Uhhh God... + + RIPPER +And as human beings, you and I need +fresh, pure water to replenish our +precious bodily fluids. + + MANDRAKE +Yes. + (chuckles nervously) + + RIPPER + 33. + + + You beginning to understand? + + MANDRAKE + Yes. + (chuckles – begins + laughing/crying quietly) + + RIPPER + Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never + wondered why I drink only distilled + water, or rain water, and only pure + grain alcohol? + + MANDRAKE + Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes. + + RIPPER + Have you ever heard of a thing + called fluoridation? Fluoridation + of water? + + MANDRAKE + Ah, yes, I have heard of that, + Jack. Yes. + + RIPPER + Well do you now what it is? + + MANDRAKE + No. No, I don't know what it is. + No. + + RIPPER + Do you realize that fluoridation is + the most monstrously conceived and + dangerous communist plot we have + ever had to face? + +Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons +fire. + + RIPPER + (walks to window and + shouts) + Two can play at this game soldier! + +More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the +overhead desk lamp. + + RIPPER + That's nice shooting, soldier! + 34. + + + Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his + closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear + with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk. + + RIPPER + Mandrake! Come here! + + MANDRAKE + You calling me, Jack? + + RIPPER + Just come over here and help me + with this belt. + + MANDRAKE + (prone on couch) + I ah, I haven't had very much + experience, you know, with those... + sort of machines, Jack. I only ever + pressed a button in my old + Spitfire. + + RIPPER + Mandrake, in the name of Her + Majesty and the Continental + Congress come here and feed me this + belt, boy! + + MANDRAKE + Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's + happened, you see, is the string in + my leg's gone. + + RIPPER + The what? + + MANDRAKE + The string. I never told you, but, + you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh + dear. Gone. Shot off. + + Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action. + + RIPPER + Mandrake, come over here. The Red + Coats are coming. Come on! + + CUT TO: + + +17 INT. WAR ROOM 17 + + DESADESKI + 35. + + +When it is detonated, it will +produce enough lethal radioactive +fallout so that within ten months, +the surface of the earth will be as +dead as the moon! + + TURGIDSON +Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's +ridiculous. Our studies show that +even the worst fallout is down to a +safe level after two weeks. + + DESADESKI +You've obviously never heard of +cobalt thorium G. + + TURGIDSON +No, what about it? + + DESADESKI +Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive +halflife of ninety three years. If +you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the +hundred megaton range and jacket +them with cobalt thorium G, when +they are exploded they will produce +a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud +of radioactivity which will +encircle the earth for ninety three +years! + + TURGIDSON +Ah, what a load of commie bull. I +mean, afterall... + + MUFFLEY +I'm afraid I don't understand +something, Alexiy. Is the Premier +threatening to explode this if our +planes carry out their attack? + + DESADESKI +No sir. It is not a thing a sane +man would do. The doomsday machine +is designed to to trigger itself +automatically. + + MUFFLEY +But surely you can disarm it +somehow. + + DESADESKI + 36. + + +No. It is designed to explode if +any attempt is ever made to +untrigger it. + + MUFFLEY +Automatically? + + TURGIDSON +Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick, +Mr. President. + (walks backwards towards + the big board) +We're wasting valuable time. + (falls over backwards and + does a somersault, and + brings himself back onto + his feet) +Look at the big board! They're +getting ready to clobber us! + + MUFFLEY +But this is absolute madness, +ambassador. Why should you build +such a thing? + + DESADESKI +There are those of us who fought +against it, but in the end we could +not keep up with the expense +involved in the arms race, the +space race, and the peace race. And +at the same time our people +grumbled for more nylons and +washing machines. Our doomsday +scheme cost us just a small +fraction of what we'd been spending +on defense in a single year. But +the deciding factor was when we +learned that your country was +working along similar lines, and we +were afraid of a doomsday gap. + + MUFFLEY +This is preposterous. I've never +approved of anything like that. + + DESADESKI +Our source was the New York Times. + + MUFFLEY +Dr. Strangelove, do we have +anything like that in the works? + 37. + + +Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley +and DeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly +turn their heads in search of Strangelove. + + STRANGELOVE + (in wheelchair) + A moment please, Mr. President. + +Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the +table and begins wheeling towards the discussion between +Muffley and DeSadeski. + + STRANGELOVE + Under the authority granted me as + director of weapons research and + development, I commissioned last + year a study of this project by the + Bland corporation. Based on the + findings of the report, my + conclusion was that this idea was + not a practical deterrent, for + reasons which, at this moment, must + be all too obvious. + + MUFFLEY + Then you mean it is possible for + them to have built such a thing? + +Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking +right hand, which is in a black glove. + + STRANGELOVE + Mr. President, the technology + required is easily within the means + of even the smallest nuclear power. + It requires only the will to do so. + + MUFFLEY + But, how is it possible for this + thing to be triggered + automatically, and at the same time + impossible to untrigger? + + STRANGELOVE + 38. + + +Mr. President, it is not only +possible, it is essential. That is +the whole idea of this machine, you +know. Deterrence is the art of +producing in the mind of the +enemy... the fear to attack. And +so, because of the automated and +irrevocable decision making process +which rules out human meddling, the +doomsday machine is terrifying. +It's simple to understand. And +completely credible, and +convincing. + + TURGIDSON +Gee, I wish we had one of them +doomsday machines, Stainsy. + + MUFFLEY +But this is fantastic, Strangelove. +How can it be triggered +automatically? + + STRANGELOVE +Well, it's remarkably simple to do +that. When you merely wish to bury +bombs, there is no limit to the +size. After that they are connected +to a gigantic complex of computers. +Now then, a specific and clearly +defined set of circumstances, under +which the bombs are to be exploded, +is programmed into a tape memory +bank. + + TURGIDSON +Strangelove. What kind of a name is +that? That ain't no kraut name, is +it, Stainsy? + + STAINS +He changed it when he became a +citizen. It used to be +Merkwurkdigliebe. + + TURGIDSON +Hmm. A kraut, by any other name, +huh, Stainsy? + + STRANGELOVE + 39. + + + Yes, but the... whole point of the + doomsday machine... is lost... if + you keep it a secret! Why didn't + you tell the world, eh? + + DESADESKI + It was to be announced at the Party + Congress on Monday. As you know, + the Premier loves surprises. + + CUT TO: + + +18 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 18 + + Firefight continues. + + CUT TO: + + +19 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 19 + + Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper, + standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is + now crouching by his side. + + RIPPER + Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and + Mandrake crawl to one side of desk. + Alright, Mandrake, now feed me. + Feed me. + + Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops. + Enemy fire subsides. + + MANDRAKE + (laughs) + Jack, don't you think we'd be + better off in some other part of + the room, away from all this flying + glass? + + RIPPER + Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake, + do you realize that in addition to + fluoridated water, why, there are + studies underway to fluoridate + salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, + sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, + Mandrake. Children's ice cream? + + MANDRAKE + Good Lord. + 40. + + + RIPPER + You know when fluoridation first + began? + + MANDRAKE + No. No, I don't, Jack. No. + + RIPPER + Nineteen hundred and forty six. + Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How + does that coincide with your + postwar commie conspiracy, huh? + It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? + A foreign substance is introduced + into our precious bodily fluids + without the knowledge of the + individual, and certainly without + any choice. That's the way your + hard core commie works. + + MANDRAKE + Jack... Jack, listen, tell me, + ah... when did you first become, + well, develop this theory. + + RIPPER + Well, I ah, I I first became aware + of it, Mandrake, during the + physical act of love. + +Mandrake sighs fearfully. + + RIPPER + Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a + feeling of emptiness followed. + Luckily I was able to interpret + these feelings correctly: loss of + essence. + + MANDRAKE + Yes... + + RIPPER + I can assure you it has not + recurred, Mandrake. Women... women + sense my power, and they seek the + life essence. I do not avoid women, + Mandrake, but I do deny them my + essence. + + MANDRAKE + Heh heh... yes. + 41. + + + CUT TO: + + +20 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 20 + + Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defending + troops. + + CUT TO: + + +21 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 21 + + RIPPER + Boys must have surrendered. + + MANDRAKE + It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now + Jack, listen. While there's still + time, I beg you, let's recall the + wing. + + Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun + as a walking stick, kicking debris en route. Sits. + + RIPPER + Those boys were like my children, + Mandrake. Now they let me down. + + MANDRAKE + No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No, + I'm sure they all gave you their + very best. And I'm equally sure + they all died thinking of you, + every man jack of them, heh, Jack. + Supposing a bit of water has gone + off, eh? And certainly one can + never be too sure about those sort + of things. Would you look at me + now. Do I look all rancid and + clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh? + Look, eh? And I drink a lot of + water, you know. I'm what you might + call a water man, Jack. That's what + I am. And I can swear to you, my + boy, swear to you, that there's + nothing wrong with my bodily + fluids. Not a thing, Jackie. + + RIPPER + Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner + of war? + 42. + + + MANDRAKE +Well, Jack, the time's running... +very... huh? + + RIPPER +Were you ever a prisoner of war? + + MANDRAKE +Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack, +I was. + + RIPPER +Did they torture you? + + MANDRAKE +Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured +by the Japanese, Jack, if you must +know. Not a pretty story. + + RIPPER +Well what happened? + + MANDRAKE +Oh... well... I don't know, Jack. +Difficult to think of under these +conditions. But, well, what +happened was they got me on the old +Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying +train mines for the bloody Japanese +puff puffs. + + RIPPER +No, I mean when they tortured you, +did you talk? + + MANDRAKE +Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think +they wanted me to talk, really. I +don't think they wanted me to say +anything. It was just their way of +having... a bit of fun, the swines. +Strange thing is they make such +bloody good cameras. + + RIPPER +You know those clowns outside are +gonna give me a pretty good going +over in a few minutes. For the +code. + + MANDRAKE + 43. + + + Yes. does a double take Yes, well + you may have... you may have quite + a point there, Jack. + + RIPPER + I don't know how well I could stand + up under torture. + + MANDRAKE + Well of course the answer to that + is, boy, no one ever does. And my + advice to you, Jack, is to give me + the code now. And if those devils + come back and try any rough stuff, + we'll fight them together, boy, + like we did just now, on the floor, + eh? You with the old gun, and me + with the belt and the ammo, feeding + you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and I + was feeding you, Jack. + (pats Ripper on the + shoulder) + + RIPPER + No, Mandrake. I happen to believe + in a life after this one, and I + know I'll have to answer for what + I've done. And I think I can. + + MANDRAKE + Yes, well of course you can, Jack, + of course you can. You can! I'm a + religious man, myself, you know, + Jack. I believe in all that sort of + thing, and... I'm hoping, you know, + Jack. + +Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about +the room, dragging the 50 cal. which he lets fall. + + MANDRAKE + You dropped your gun, Jack, yes... + (picks up the machine gun + and carries it) + ... you know what I'm... + (Ripper begins removing + his jacket here) + ... no, Jack. Let me take that for + you. I'll take that for you, Jack. + (takes Ripper's jacket + and drapes it over the + gun) + 44. + + + And, ah, you know what I'm hoping, + Jack? I'm hoping you're going to + give me the code, boy. That's what + I'm hoping. And, oh... + (Ripper enters the + washroom) + oh, you're going have a little wash + and brush up, are you? What a good + idea. Always did wonders for a man, + that, Jack. A little wash and brush + up. Water on the back of the neck, + and... makes you feel marvelous. + That's what we need, Jack! Water on + the back of the neck and the code. + Now, ... now supposing I play a + little guessing game with you, + Jack, boy. + (Ripper shuts washroom + door) + I'll try and guess... I'll try and + guess what the code is... + + A gun shot rings out from within the washroom – Mandrake + gapes at the closed door, drops the machine gun, and pushes + on the door, which is blocked after opening a few inches. + + CUT TO: + + +22 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 22 + + CO-PILOT + Co-pilot to navigator, I'm ready + with the fuel figures now. We have + one hundred and nine thousand + total, seventy nine thousand in the + mains, and thirty thousand in the + auxiliaries. And that works out to + roughly seven hours fifteen minutes + endurance for this time. + + DSO + DSO to Captain, I have an + unidentified radar blip. Distance: + 60 miles. Approximate speed: mach + three. Looks like a missile + tracking us! Confirmed, definite + missile track. Commence evasive + action right. Missile still closing + range; distance: 50 miles. Continue + evasive action. + + CO-PILOT + 45. + + + Lock ECM to target intercept mode. + + DSO ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still + tracking and closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue + evasive action. Electronic guidance scrambler to blue grid. + Missile still tracking steady and closing distance. Range: + 30 miles. Missile still closing true and steady. Continue + evasive action. Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing + distance... and tracking steady. + + CO-PILOT + Evac range gate on maximum scan. + + DSO + Range gate on maximum scan. Range: + 10 miles. Missile track deflecting. + Continue evasive action. Deflection + increasing; range: 8 miles. + Deflection still increasing; range: + 6 miles. Missile still deflecting; + range: 4 miles. Range: 2 miles; + missile still deflecting. Range: + one mile; missile detonated! + + DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong is + jolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to + attend to fires, regain control of aircraft. + + KONG + Spot lever to cutoff... reselect to + central power... Extinguishers... + Transfer switches... boost pumps + up. Fuel valves three four and six. + Give me full power. + + Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control. + + CUT TO: + + +23 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE – BURPLESON AFB 23 + + Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered + with doodles and an interlocking pattern of the words Peace + On Earth, and Purity Of Essence. + + MANDRAKE + Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth. + Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of + essence. O P O E. + (whispers) + O P E. + 46. + + +Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door +to the office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1 +carbine. + + GUANO + Put your hands over your head. + + MANDRAKE + What the devil do you think you're + doing, shooting your way in here? + Who are you? + + GUANO + I said, put your hands over your + head. What kind of suit you call + that, fellah? + + MANDRAKE + What do you mean, suit? This + happens to be an R. A. F. uniform, + sir. And I am Group Captain Lionel + Mandrake. I am General Ripper's + Executive Officer. + + GUANO + Where's General Ripper? + + MANDRAKE + He's dead, in the bathroom. + + GUANO + Where's the bathroom? + + MANDRAKE + Next to you. + +Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in +exclamation. + + MANDRAKE + Look, I don't know what sort of + stupid game this is you're playing, + but I've got a very good idea what + the recall code is and I have to + get in touch with SAC headquarters + immediately. + + GUANO + I said put your hands over your + head and keep 'em there. Got any + witnesses? + + MANDRAKE + 47. + + +Witnesses? What are you talking +about, witnesses? He shot himself! + + GUANO +While he was shaving, huh? + + MANDRAKE +Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if +that really is your name, may I +tell you that I have a very, very +good idea, I think, I hope, I pray, +what the recall code is. It's some +sort of recurrent theme he kept +repeating. It's a variation on +Peace on Earth or Purity of +Essence. E O P. O P E. It's one of +those! + + GUANO +Put your hands up on top of your +head. Start walking. + + MANDRAKE +Don't you know that General Ripper +went as mad as a bloody march hare +and sent the while wing to attack +the Soviets? Don't you know that? + + GUANO +What are you talking about? + + MANDRAKE +I'll tell you what I'm talking +about. I'm going to pick up this +red telephone which is connected to +SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast! +Shot away, I expect by one of your +men during this ridiculous +fighting! picks up another phone +Right. + (glances down to + discover) +this phone has no cord at all) + + GUANO +Alright, Charlie, I been wasting +too much time on you. I got a lot +of wounded men outside. Start +walking. + + CUT TO: + 48. + + +24 INT. B-52 24 + + Goldie is examining the damage to the radios. + + GOLDIE + All the radio gear is out, + including the CRM-114. I think the + auto-destruct mechanism got hit and + blew itself up. + + BOMBARDIER + The fire is out. Emergency power is + on. Everything seems to check out + alright. Will advise. + + KONG + Roger. Navigator... + + NAVIGATOR + I've worked out our rate of fuel + loss at approximately one six two + per minute. This gives us a radius + of action sufficient to take out + primary and secondary targets. But + we will not, repeat, not be able to + make it back to any base or neutral + country. However we would have + enough fuel to ditch at weather + ship tango delta: grid coordinates + zero zero three six nine one. + + KONG + Now, boys, we got three engines + out; we got more holes in us than a + horse trader's mule, the radio's + gone and we're leaking fuel, and if + we's flying any lower, why, we'd + need sleigh bells on this thing. + But we got one little budge on them + russkies, at this this height, why, + they might harpoon us but they dang + sure ain't gonna spot us on no + radar screen. + + CUT TO: + + +25 INT. HALLWAY – BURPLESON AFB 25 + + Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at + gunpoint. + + GUANO + 49. + + + The other way. + + MANDRAKE + Where are you taking me? + + GUANO + The main gate. + + MANDRAKE + Colonel! Colonel, I must know what + you think has been going on here! + + GUANO + You wanna know what I think? + + MANDRAKE + Yes. + + GUANO + I think you're some kind of + deviated prevert. And I think + General Ripper found out about your + preversion, and that you were + organizing some kind of mutiny of + preverts. Now, move! + +Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking. + + GUANO + On top of that I don't know + anything about any planes attacking + Russia. All I was told to do was + get General Ripper on the phone to + the President of the United States. + + MANDRAKE + Now just one second. You just + said... the President. + + GUANO + What about the President? + + MANDRAKE + Now, the president wants to speak + to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now, + General Ripper is dead, is he not? + I am General Ripper's executive + officer, so the president will + bloody well want to speak to me, + won't he? There's a telephone box + over there, and the line may be + open. + 50. + + + GUANO + You want to talk to the president + of the United States? + + MANDRAKE + I don't want to talk to him, + Colonel, I've got to talk to him. + And I can assure you, if you don't + put that gun away and stop this + stupid nonsense, the court of + inquiry on this'll give you such a + pranging, you'll be lucky if you + end up wearing the uniform of a + bloody toilet attendant! + + GUANO + OK. Go ahead. Try and get the + President of the United States on + the phone. + +Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano +pushes it back open. + + GUANO + If you try any preversions in there + I'll blow your head off. + +Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials. + + MANDRAKE + Operator? This is Group Captain + Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from + Burpleson Air Force Base. Look, + something very urgent has come up + and I want you to place an + emergency person to person call + with President Merkin Muffley in + the Pentagon, Washington D.C. + Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm + perfectly serious, operator, the + President, yes the President of the + United States. I'm sorry, I haven't + got enough change. Um, could you... + could you make this a collect call, + operator? + +Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks +on. + + MANDRAKE + Just one second, operator. + (to Guano) + 51. + + +They won't accept the call. Have +you got fifty-five cents? + + GUANO +Well, you don't think I'd go into +combat with loose change in my +pocket, do you? + + MANDRAKE +Operator, look, ah... is it +possible to make this an +ordinary... ordinary trunk call? +Well, what do you call it... you +know, ah... + (raps on phone box with + knuckles) +... oh, ah... station to station. + (counts change in his + palm) +Oh, blast. Still twenty cents +short. Operator, hold on one... +ah... I shan't keep you a second. + (to Guano) +Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I +want you to shoot the lock off it. +There may be some change in there. + + GUANO +That's private property. + + MANDRAKE + (exasperated) +Colonel, can you possibly imagine +what is going to happen to you, +your frame, outlook, way of life +and everything, when they learn +that you have obstructed a +telephone call to the President of +the United States? Can you imagine? +Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun! +That's what the bullets are for, +you twit! + + GUANO +OK. I'm gonna get your money for +you. But if you don't get the +President of the Unites States on +that phone, you know what's going +to happen to you? + + MANDRAKE +What? + 52. + + + GUANO + You're going to have to answer to + the Coca-Cola Company. + + Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills + from the coin return slot. As Guano bends to collect it, + coke streams from a bullet hole and showers his face. + + CUT TO: + + +26 INT. WAR ROOM 26 + + VOICE ON PA + This is SAC communications control. + The recall code, OPE, is being + acknowledged roger by elements of + the 843 bomb wing. + + Cheering starts among men in the War Room. + + VOICE ON PA + These are the details: missions 12, + 22, 30, and 38 are reported + destroyed by enemy action. All + other missions have acknowledged + recall code. This is SAC + communications control, over and + out. + + TURGIDSON + (whistles loudly) + Gentlemen, gentlemen. + + War room falls silent. + + TURGIDSON + Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm + not a sentimentalist at all, by + nature, but I think I know what's + in every heart in this room. I + think we ought to all just bow our + heads and give a short prayer of + thanks for our deliverance. Lord, + we have heard the wings of the + angel of death fluttering over our + heads from the valley of fear. You + have seen fit to deliver us from + the forces of evil... + + STAINS + Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's + calling again and he's hopping mad. + 53. + + + CUT TO: + + +27 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 27 + + GOLDIE + Fuel flow in active engines and + leakage has increased. Now works + out at two zero five. Estimate + remaining fuel at eight seven nine + zero. + + NAVIGATOR + Roger. Confirm two zero five per + minute and remaining fuel eight + seven nine zero. + + CUT TO: + + +28 INT. WAR ROOM 28 + + MUFFLEY + (into phone) + No. No, Dimitri, there must be some + mistake. + (listens) + No, I'm certain of that. I'm + perfectly certain of that, Dimitri. + Just a second. + (puts down phone) + You know what he says? He says that + one of the planes hasn't turned + back. He says according to + information forwarded by our air + staff, it's headed for the missile + complex at Lapuda. + + TURGIDSON + + WHAH... + (laughs in wheezing + incredulity) + That's impossible, Mr. President. I + mean, look at the big board! + Thirty-four planes, thirty recalls + acknowledged, and four splashes, + and one of them was targeted for + Lapuda! + + MUFFLEY + (into phone) + 54. + + +Dimitri? Look, we've got an +acknowledgement from every plane +except the four you've shot down. + (listens) +Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a +second, Dimitri. + (covers phone) +He says their air staff now only +claims three aircraft confirmed. +The fourth may only be damaged. + + TURGIDSON +Mr. President, I'm beginning to +smell a big fat commie rat. I mean, +supposing Kissov is lying about +that fourth plane, just looking for +an excuse to clobber us. I mean, if +the spaghetti hits the fan, now +we're really in trouble. + + MUFFLEY + (into phone) +Dimitri, look, if this report is +true and the plane manages to bomb +the target, is it... is this going +to full.. is this going to set off +the doomsday machine? + (listens) +Are you sure? + (listens) +Well, I... I guess you're just +going to have to get that plane, +Dimitri! Dimitri, I'm sorry they're +jamming your radar and flying so +low, but they're trained to do it. +You know, it's it's initiative! +Look, Dimitri, you know exactly +where they're going and I'm sure +your entire air defense can stop a +single plane. Listen, I mean, it's +not going to help either one of us +if the doomsday machine goes off, +now is it? + + (LISTENS) +Dom... Dimitri there's no point in +you getting you hysterical at a +moment like this! Dimitri! Keep +your feet on the ground when you're +talking, Dimitri. + (listens) + 55. + + + I... I am not I am not getting... + no, Dimitri. I... I just am + worried, that's all. Look, now if + our air staff say it's primary + target is Lapuda and it's secondary + target it Bordkov, I mean it's it's + true, Dimitri! You gotta believe + it. + + Turgidson nods affirmative + + MUFFLEY + Look, can I gi... + (listens) + Dimitri, can I give you just one + word... can I give you just one + word of advice, Dimitri? Listen, + Dimitri, put everything you've got + into those two sectors and you + can't miss. + + CUT TO: + + +29 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 29 + + NAVIGATOR + Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at + the present rate, I estimate we + only have thirty-eight minutes + flying time which will not even + take us as far as the primary. + + KONG + Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me + that you'd get me to the primary! + + NAVIGATOR + I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was + based on the original loss rate + factor, not at two zero five. + + KONG + I don't give a hoot in hell how you + do it, you just get me to the + primary, you hear? + + NAVIGATOR + I'm sorry Sir, but those are the + figures. We'll be luck to reach + weather ship at tango delta. + + KONG + 56. + + + Well... shoot. We ain't come this + far just to dump this thing in the + drink. What's the nearest target + opportunity? + + NAVIGATOR + Sir, if the rate of loss does not + increase, we have a chance to reach + target three eight four,grid + coordinate zero zero three six nine + one, and possibly make it from + there to the tango delta weather + ship. + + KONG + What kind of a target is that, + anyhow? + + BOMBARDIER + Sir, that's the ICBM complex at + Kodlosk. + + KONG + Alright. Designating new target + three eight four. Give me a rough + heading on that just as soon as you + can get it worked out, will you? + + CUT TO: + + +30 INT. WAR ROOM 30 + + MUFFLEY + (into phone) + Well, we'll keep our fingers + crossed, Dimitri, and remember, + there's just one thing, we are all + in this together. We're right + behind you, Dimitri. We're with you + all the way. + (listens) + Yes. Well, we'll keep the line + open. Alright Dimitri. + (rests phone on the + table) + General Turgidson, is there really + a chance for that plane to get + through? + + TURGIDSON + 57. + + + Mr. President, if I may speak + freely, the Russkie talks big, but + frankly, we think he's short of + know how. I mean, you just can't + expect a bunch of ignorant peons to + understand a machine like some of + our boys. And that's not meant as + an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, + you take your average Russkie, we + all know how much guts he's got. + Hell, lookit look at all them them + Nazis killed off and they still + wouldn't quit. + + MUFFLEY + Can't you stick to the point, + General? + + TURGIDSON + Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the + pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's + really... sharp, he can barrel that + baby in so low spreads his arms + like wings., laughs you oughtta see + it sometime, it's a sight. A big + plane, like a '52, vroom! There's + jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the + barnyard! + + MUFFLEY + Yeah, but has he got a chance? + + TURGIDSON + Has he got a chance? Hell Ye... + ye... + (covers mouth in solemn + realization) + + CUT TO: + + +31 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 31 + + NAVIGATOR + Navigator to Captain, approaching + target. Distance, one zero miles. + Switch from green grid to target + orange. + + KONG + Roger. Ready for final bomb run + check. Take over, Ace. + 58. + + + CO-PILOT +Roger. + + DSO +DSO ready. + + BOMBARDIER +Bombardier ready, sir. + + KONG +Bomb fusing master safety on, +electronics, barometrics, time and +impact. + + BOMBARDIER +Bomb fusing master safeties on, +electronic, barometric, time and +impact. + + KONG +Fused for ground burst, delay +factor yellow three. + + BOMBARDIER +Fused for ground burst, delay +factor yellow three. + + KONG +Bomb fusing circuits one through +four, test. + + BOMBARDIER +Bomb fusing circuits one through +four, test. Lights on. + + KONG +Bomb arming test lights on, one +through four. + + BOMBARDIER +Bomb arming test lights on, one +through four. + + KONG +Engage primary trigger switch +override. + + BOMBARDIER +Primary trigger switch override, +engaged. + + KONG + 59. + + +Track indicators to maximum +deflection. + + BOMBARDIER +Track indicators to maximum +deflection. + + KONG +Detonator set to zero altitude. + + BOMBARDIER +Detonator set to zero altitude. + + KONG +Release first safety. + + AIRMAN +First safety released. + + BOMBARDIER +First safety. + + KONG +Release second safeties. + + AIRMAN +Second safety released. + + BOMBARDIER +Second safety. + + KONG +Check bomb door circuits one +through four. + + BOMBARDIER +Ah... bomb door circuits, negative +function. Lights red. + + KONG +Switch in backup circuits. + + BOMBARDIER +Roger. Backup circuits switched in, +still negative function. + + KONG +Engage emergency power. + + BOMBARDIER +Roger. Emergency power on. Still +negative function. + 60. + + + KONG + Operate manual override! + + BOMBARDIER + Roger. Ah... still negative + function. The teleflex drive cable + must be sheared away. + + KONG + Fire the explosive bolts! + + BOMBARDIER + Roger. Um... still negative, sir. + The operating circuits are dead, + sir. + + KONG + Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm + going down below to see what I can + do. + + CO-PILOT + Roger. + + KONG + (to DSO and Bombardier) + Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm + goin' to get them doors open if it + hare lips everybody on Bear Creek. + (proceeds through hatch + to bomb bay) + +Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended +bomb, and then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with +his stetson. + + NAVIGATOR + Target orange grid reference, + checks. Target distance, eight + miles. + + CO-PILOT + Roger, eight miles. Telemetric + guidance computer into orange grid. + + BOMBARDIER + Telemetric guidance computer into + orange grid. + + NAVIGATOR + Target distance, seven miles. + Correct track indicator, minus + seven. + 61. + + + CO-PILOT + Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI + acceleration factor. + + BOMBARDIER + GPI diversion factor set. + + NAVIGATOR + Target distance, six miles. + + CO-PILOT + Roger. Six miles. False ident + transponder active. + + BOMBARDIER + False ident transponder active. + + NAVIGATOR + Target distance, five miles. + + CO-PILOT + Five miles. Bundling alignment + factor zero mode. + + BOMBARDIER + Bundling alignment factor to zero + mode. + + NAVIGATOR + Target distance, four miles. + + CO-PILOT + Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into + manual teleflex link. + + BOMBARDIER + Auto CDC is to manual teleflex + link. + + NAVIGATOR + Target distance, three miles. + + CO-PILOT + Roger. Three miles. + + NAVIGATOR + Target in sight. Where in hell is + Major Kong? + +Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes +and then attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above +his head. The bomb doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep +it from blowing away in the sudden slipstream. + 62. + + + KONG + Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo! + + The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it + + BOMBARDIER + Hey, what about Major Kong? + + KONG + Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo! + + Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over + his head, celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style. + On reaching the ground, the bomb detonates. + + CUT TO: + + +32 INT. WAR ROOM 32 + + Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to + face the camera. + + STRANGELOVE + Mr. President, I would not rule out + the chance to preserve a nucleus of + human specimens. It would be quite + easy... heh heh... + (rolls forward into the + light) + At the bottom of ah... some of our + deeper mineshafts. The + radioactivity would never penetrate + a mine some thousands of feet deep. + And in a matter of weeks, + sufficient improvements in dwelling + space could easily be provided. + + MUFFLEY + How long would you have to stay + down there? + + STRANGELOVE + Well let's see now ah... + (searches within his + lapel) + ... cobalt thorium G... + (notices circular slide + rule in his gloved hand) + ... aa... nn... Radioactive + halflife of uh, ... hmm.. I would + think that uh... possibly uh... one + hundred years. + 63. + + +On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule +roughly from his gloved hand, and returns it to within his +jacket. + + MUFFLEY + You mean, people could actually + stay down there for a hundred + years? + + STRANGELOVE + It would not be difficult mein + Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, + heh... I'm sorry. Mr. President. + Nuclear reactors could provide + power almost indefinitely. + Greenhouses could maintain + plantlife. Animals could be bred + and slaughtered. A quick survey + would have to be made of all the + available mine sites in the + country. But I would guess... that + ah, dwelling space for several + hundred thousands of our people + could easily be provided. + + MUFFLEY + Well I... I would hate to have to + decide.. who stays up and.. who + goes down. + + STRANGELOVE + Well, that would not be necessary + Mr. President. It could easily be + accomplished with a computer. And a + computer could be set and + programmed to accept factors from + youth, health, sexual fertility, + intelligence, and a cross section + of necessary skills. Of course it + would be absolutely vital that our + top government and military men be + included to foster and impart the + required principles of leadership + and tradition. + +Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute. + + STRANGELOVE + Arrrrr! + (restrains right arm with + left) + 64. + + + Naturally, they would breed + prodigiously, eh? There would + bemuch time, and little to do. But + ah with the proper breeding + techniques and a ratio of say, ten + females to each male, I would guess + that they could then work their way + back to the present gross national + product within say, twenty years. + + MUFFLEY + But look here doctor, wouldn't this + nucleus of survivors be so grief + stricken and anguished that they'd, + well, envy the dead and not want to + go on living? + + STRANGELOVE + No sir... + +His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards + + STRANGELOVE + Excuse me. + +He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it +with a beating from his left + + STRANGELOVE + Also when... when they go down into + the mine everyone would still be + alive. There would be no shocking + memories, and the prevailing + emotion will be one of nostalgia + for those left behind, combined + with a spirit of bold curiosity for + the adventure ahead! Ahhhh! + +Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into +his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to +strangle him. + + TURGIDSON + Doctor, you mentioned the ration of + ten women to each man. Now, + wouldn't that necessitate the + abandonment of the so called + monogamous sexual relationship, I + mean, as far as men were concerned? + + STRANGELOVE + 65. + + + Regrettably, yes. But it is, you + know, a sacrifice required for the + future of the human race. I hasten + to add that since each man will be + required to do prodigious... + service along these lines, the + women will have to be selected for + their sexual characteristics which + will have to be of a highly + stimulating nature. + + DESADESKI + I must confess, you have an + astonishingly good idea there, + Doctor. + + STRANGELOVE + Thank you, sir. + + TURGIDSON + (to Muffley) + I think we should look at this from + the military point of view. I mean, + supposing the Russkies stashes away + some big bomb, see. When they come + out in a hundred years they could + take over! + +DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around +Strangelove and the President, toward the banquet table. + + GENERAL + I agree, Mr. President. In fact, + they might even try an immediate + sneak attack so they could take + over our mineshaft space. + + TURGIDSON + Yeah. I think it would be extremely + naive of us, Mr. President, to + imagine that these new developments + are going to cause any change in + Soviet expansionist policy. + +DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the big +board with a secret camera within a pocket watch. + + TURGIDSON + 66. + + + I mean, we must be... increasingly + on the alert to prevent them from + taking over other mineshaft space, + in order to breed more prodigiously + than we do, thus, knocking us out + in superior numbers when we emerge! + Mr. President, we must not allow... + a mine shaft gap! + + STRANGELOVE + ... Sir! + (stands up out of his + wheelchair) + I have a plan. Heh. + (pauses, realizing that + he is standing) + Mein Fuhrer, I can walk! + +MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS + +Dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again." + +FADE OUT + +THE END + \ No newline at end of file