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1.
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FADE IN:
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SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in
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the distance.
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NARRATOR
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For more than a year, ominous
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rumors have been privately
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circulating among high level
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western leaders, that the Soviet
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Union had been at work on what was
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darkly hinted to be the ultimate
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weapon, a doomsday device.
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Intelligence sources traced the
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site of the top secret Russian
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project to the perpetually fog
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shrouded wasteland below the arctic
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peaks of the Zokov islands. What
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they were building, or why it
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should be located in a such a
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remote and desolate place, no one
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could say.
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CUT TO:
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ROLL CREDITS
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Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts
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"Try a Little Tenderness." Refueling nozzle gently breaks
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away from recieving aircraft.
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CUT TO:
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1 INT. COMPUTER ROOM – BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT 1
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A phone buzzes.
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PETTY OFFICER
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General Ripper, sir.
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MANDRAKE
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(to phone on his desk)
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Group Captain Mandrake speaking...
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Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the
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light of his desk lamp.
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RIPPER
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(to phone)
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This is General Ripper speaking.
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2.
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MANDRAKE
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Yes, sir.
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RIPPER
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You recognize my voice, Mandrake?
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MANDRAKE
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I do sir, why do you ask?
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RIPPER
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Why do you think I asked?
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MANDRAKE
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Well I don't know, sir. We spoke
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just a few moments ago on the
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phone, didn't we?
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RIPPER
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You don't think I'd ask if you
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recognized my voice unless it was
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pretty damned important do you,
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Mandrake?
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MANDRAKE
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No, I don't, sir. No.
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RIPPER
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Alright, let's see if we stay on
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the ball. Has the wing confirmed
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holding at their failsafe points?
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MANDRAKE
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Yes, sir. The confirmations have
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all just come in.
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RIPPER
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Very well, now, listen to me
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carefully. The base is being put on
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condition red. I want this flashed
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to all sections immediately.
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MANDRAKE
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Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good
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idea, keeps the men on their toes.
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RIPPER
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Group Captain, I'm afraid this is
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not a exercise.
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MANDRAKE
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Not an exercise, sir?
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RIPPER
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3.
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I shouldn't tell you this,
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Mandrake, but you're a good officer
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and you have a right to know. It
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looks like we're in a shooting war.
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MANDRAKE
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Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved
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sir?
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RIPPER
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Mandrake, that's all I've been
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told. It just came in on the Red
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Phone. My orders are for this base
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to be sealed tight, and that's what
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I mean to do: seal it tight. Now, I
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want you to transmit plan R, R for
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Robert, to the wing. Plan R for
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Robert.
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MANDRAKE
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Is it that bad sir?
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RIPPER
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It looks like it's pretty hairy.
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MANDRAKE
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Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.
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RIPPER
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Now, last, and possibly most
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important, I want all privately
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owned radios to be immediately
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impounded.
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MANDRAKE
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Yes sir.
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RIPPER
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They might be used to issue
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instructions to saboteurs. As I
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have previously arranged, Air
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Police will have lists of all
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owners and I want every single one
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of them collected without
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exception.
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MANDRAKE
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Yes sir.
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RIPPER
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And after you've done that, report
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back to me.
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4.
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Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at
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the base. Outside, a SIREN SOUNDS.
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CUT TO:
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2 EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S 2
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With escorts.
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NARRATOR
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In order to guard against surprise
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nuclear attack, America's Strategic
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Air Command maintains a large force
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of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a
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day. Each B- 52 can deliver a
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nuclear bombload of 50 megatons,
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equal to 16 times the total
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explosive force of all the bombs
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and shells used by all the armies
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in World War Two. Based in America,
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the Airborne alert force is
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deployed from the Persian Gulf to
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the Arctic Ocean, but they have one
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geographical factor in common: they
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are all two hours from their
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targets inside Russia.
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CUT TO:
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3 INT. B-52 3
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Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.
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GOLDIE
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Major Kong, I know you're gonna
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think this a crazy but I just got a
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message from base over the CRM 114.
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It decodes as Wing Attack plan R. R
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for Romeo.
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KONG
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Goldie, did you say Wing Attack,
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plan R?
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GOLDIE
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Yes Sir, I have.
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KONG
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Goldie, how many times have I told
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you guys that I don't want no
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horsin' around on the airplane?
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5.
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GOLDIE
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I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's
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how it decodes.
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KONG
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Well I've been to one world fair a
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picnic and a rodeo and that's the
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stupidest thing I ever heard come
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over a set of earphones. You sure
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you got today's code?
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GOLDIE
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Yes sir, it is.
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KONG
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Ah, there's just gotta be something
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wrong. Wait just a second, I'm
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comin' back.
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Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.
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KONG
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Maybe you better get a confirmation
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from base.
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GOLDIE
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Yes sir.
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BOMBARDIER
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Major Kong, is it possible that
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this is some kind of loyalty test.
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You know, give the go code and then
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recall to see who would actually
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go?
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KONG
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Ain't nobody ever got the go code
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yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be
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giving us plan R unless them
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Russkies had already clobbered
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Washington and alot of other towns
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with a sneak attack.
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BOMBARDIER
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Yes sir.
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GOLDIE
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Major Kong, message from base
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confirmed.
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KONG
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6.
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Well boys, I reckon this is it:
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nuclear combat, toe to toe with the
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Russkies.
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Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn
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of the Republic.
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KONG
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Now look boys, I ain't much of a
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hand at makin' speeches. But I got
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a pretty fair idea that something
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doggoned important's going on back
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there. And I got a fair idea of the
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kind of personal emotions that some
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of you fella's may be thinking.
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Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be
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human beings if you didn't have
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some pretty strong personal
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feelings about nuclear combat. But
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I want you to remember one thing,
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the folks back home is a countin'
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on ya, and by golly we ain't about
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to let 'em down. Tell you somethin'
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else. This thing turns out to be
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half as important is I figure it
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just might be, I'd say that you're
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all in line for some important
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promotions and personal citations
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when this thing's over with. That
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goes for every last one of you,
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regardless of your race, color, or
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your creed. Now, let's get this
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thing on the hump. We got some
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flying to do.
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CUT TO:
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4 INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO 4
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Phone rings.
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MISS SCOTT
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(shouting)
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Buck, should I get it?
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TURGIDSON
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(muffled)
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Yeah. You have to.
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MISS SCOTT
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(to phone)
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7.
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Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson
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is here, but I'm afraid he can't
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come to the phone at the moment.
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Well, this is his secretary, Miss
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Scott.
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(softly)
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Freddie, how are you? Fine and you?
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Oh, we were just catching up on
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some of the General's paperwork.
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Well, look Freddie, he's very tied
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up at the moment. I'm afraid he
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can't come to the phone.
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(listens)
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Well, just a minute.
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(shouts to Tuirgidson)
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General Turgidson, a General
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Puntridge calling.
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TURGIDSON
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Tell him to call back.
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MISS SCOTT
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(to phone)
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Freddie, the General says could you
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call back in a minute or two? Oh.
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(shouting)
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He says it can't wait.
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TURGIDSON
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Ah, for Pete... well... Find out
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what he wants.
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MISS SCOTT
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Freddie, the thing is, the General
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is in the powder room right now.
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Could you tell me what it's about?
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Just a second...
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(shouting)
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Apparently they monitored a
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transmission about eight minutes
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ago from Burpleson Air Force Base.
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(to phone)
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Right.
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(shouting)
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It was directed to the 843'rd bomb
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wing on airborne alert.
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(to phone)
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Yeah.
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(shouting)
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It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.
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TURGIDSON
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8.
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Um ah, tell him to call uh what's
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his name. Base commander. Ripper. I
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have to think of everything?
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MISS SCOTT
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(to phone)
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The General suggests you call
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General Ripper, the 843rd base
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commander. Oh.
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(shouting)
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All communications are dead.
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TURGIDSON
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Bull! Tell him to do it himself.
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MISS SCOTT
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Freddie, the General asks if you
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could possibly try again yourself.
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(listens)
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I see.
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(shouting)
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He says he's tried personally
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several times, but everything is
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dead. Even the normal phone lines
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are shut down.
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Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.
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TURGIDSON
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(to phone)
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Fred. Buck. What's it look like?
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Yeah. Waa... are you sure it's plan
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R? Huh. What's cookin' on the
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threat board.? Nothin? Nothin at
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all? Idon't like the look of this,
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Fred. Alright, I tell you what you
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better do, old buddy.
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(slaps his belly)
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You better give Elmo and Charlie a
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blast, and bump everything up to
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condition red and stand by the
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blower, I'll get back to you.
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(hangs up)
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MISS SCOTT
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What's up?
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TURGIDSON
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Nothing. Nothing. Where's my
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shorts?
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MISS SCOTT
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On the floor. Where are you going?
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9.
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TURGIDSON
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No place. No... no place... I just
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thought I might mosey over to the
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War room for a few minutes. See
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what's doing over there.
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MISS SCOTT
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It's three o'clock in the morning.
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TURGIDSON
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(laughs)
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The Air Force never sleeps.
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MISS SCOTT
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Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy
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either.
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TURGIDSON
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I know how it is, baby. Tell you
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what you do. You just start your
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countdown, and old Bucky'll be back
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here before you can say... Blast
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Off!
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CUT TO:
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5 EXT. BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT 5
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Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers stand
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listening.
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RIPPER
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10.
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Your commie has no regard for human
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life, not even his own. And for
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this reason, men, I want to impress
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upon you the need for extreme
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watchfulness. The enemy may come
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individually, or he may come in
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strength. He may even come in the
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uniform of our own troops. But
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however he comes we must stop him.
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We must not allow him to gain
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entrance to this base. Now, I am
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going to give you three simple
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rules. First, trust no one,
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whatever his uniform or rank,
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unless he is known to you
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personally. Second, anyone or
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anything that approaches within 200
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yards of the perimeter is to be
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fired upon. Third, if in doubt,
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shoot first, and ask questions
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afterwards. I would sooner accept a
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few casualties through accident
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than lose the entire base and its
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personnel through carelessness. Any
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variation on these rules must come
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from me personally. Now, men, in
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conclusion, I would like to say
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that, in the two years it has been
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my privilege to be your commanding
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officer, I have always expected the
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best from you, and you have never
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given me anything less than that.
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CUT TO:
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6 INT. COMPUTER ROOM – INT. BURPLESON AFB 6
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Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening to
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Ripper's speech, discovers a radio inside a line printer
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and switches it on. Soft jazz is playing.
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RIPPER'S VOICE
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Today, the nation is counting on
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us. We are not going to let them
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down. Good luck to you all.
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CUT TO:
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7 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 7
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Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.
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11.
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AIRMAN
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(to Kong)
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Here's the attack profile, sir.
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KONG
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(announcing through
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headset intercom)
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This is your attack profile: to
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insure that the enemy cannot
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monitor voice transmission or plant
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false transmission, the CRM114 is
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to be switched into all the
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receivercircuits. Emergency phase
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code prefix is to be set on the
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dials of the CRM. This'll block any
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transmission other than those
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preceded by code prefix. Stand by
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to set code prefix.
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GOLDIE
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Roger. Ready to set code prefix.
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KONG
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Set code prefix.
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GOLDIE
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(dials up letters)
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OPE Code prefix set.
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KONG
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Lock code prefix.
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GOLDIE
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Code prefix locked.
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KONG
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Switch all receiver circuits to CRM
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discriminators.
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GOLDIE
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All circuits switched to CRM
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discriminators.
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KONG
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Check auto destruct circuits.
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GOLDIE
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Auto destruct circuits checked.
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KONG
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12.
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Primary target, the ICBM complex at
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Laputa. Target reference Yankee
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Golf Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty
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megaton nuclear device fused for
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airburst at ten thousand feet.
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Twenty megaton nuclear device will
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be used if first malfunctions.
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Otherwise proceed to secondary
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target, missile complex seven miles
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east of Barshaw. Target reference
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November Bravo X-Ray One Zero
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Eight. Fused airburst at ten,
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check, twelve thousand feet.
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CUT TO:
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8 INT. BURPLESON AFB 8
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Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portable
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radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrake
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enters.
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9 INT. RIPPER’S OFFICE 9
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MANDRAKE
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Excuse me sir, something rather
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interesting's just cropped up.
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Listen to that. Music. Civilian
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broadcasting. I think those fellows
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in the Pentagon have given us some
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sort of exercise to test our
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readiness. Personally, I think it's
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taking it a bit too far; our
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fellows will be inside Russian
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radar cover in about twenty
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minutes. You listen to that.
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Traffic block full of stations all
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churning it out.
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RIPPER
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Mandrake.
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MANDRAKE
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Yes, sir?
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RIPPER
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I thought I issued instructions for
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all radios on this base to be
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impounded.
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MANDRAKE
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13.
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(follows Ripper as he
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rises from his chair to
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lock his office door)
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Well you did indeed sir and I was
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in the process of impounding this
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very one when I happened to switch
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it on. I thought to myself our
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fellows hitting Russian radar cover
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in twenty minutes, dropping all
|
|
their stuff, I'd better tell you,
|
|
because if they do, it'll cause a
|
|
bit of a stink, won't it?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Group Captain, the officer exchange
|
|
program does not give you any
|
|
special prerogatives to question my
|
|
orders.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well I realize that sir, but I
|
|
thought you'd be rather pleased to
|
|
hear the news. I mean after all,
|
|
well let's face it we...we don't
|
|
want to start a nuclear war unless
|
|
we really have to, do we?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Please sit down. And turn that
|
|
thing off.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes,
|
|
sir? Surely you must issue the
|
|
recall code immediately.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Group Captain, the planes are not
|
|
going to be recalled. My attack
|
|
orders have been issued and the
|
|
orders stand.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well, if you'll excuse me saying
|
|
so, sir. That would be, to my way
|
|
of thinking, rather... well rather
|
|
an odd way of looking at it. You
|
|
see, if a Russian attack was in
|
|
progress we would certainly not be
|
|
hearing civilian broadcasting.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
|
|
14.
|
|
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
I'm absolutely positive about that,
|
|
sir, yes.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
And what if it is true?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well I'm afraid I'm still not with
|
|
you, sir. Because, I mean, if a
|
|
Russian attack was not in progress
|
|
then your use of plan R, in fact
|
|
your orders to the entire wing...
|
|
oh. Well I would say, sir, that
|
|
there was something dreadfully
|
|
wrong somewhere.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Now, why don't you just take it
|
|
easy Group Captain. And please make
|
|
me a drink of grain alcohol and
|
|
rain water, and help yourself to
|
|
whatever you'd like.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
(salutes)
|
|
General Ripper, sir, as an officer
|
|
in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is
|
|
my clear duty, under the present
|
|
circumstances, to issue the recall
|
|
code, upon my own authority, and
|
|
bring back the wing. If you'll
|
|
excuse me sir. Mandrake tries all
|
|
exits and finds them locked I'm
|
|
afraid sir, I must ask you for the
|
|
key and the recall code. Have you
|
|
got them handy sir?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
I told you to take it easy, Group
|
|
Captain. There's nothing anybody
|
|
can do about this thing now. I'm
|
|
the only person who knows the three
|
|
letter code group.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
(voice cracking)
|
|
Then I must insist, sir, that you
|
|
give them to me.
|
|
|
|
Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside,
|
|
revealing a blued, pearl handled .45 automatic.
|
|
15.
|
|
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Do I take it, sir, that you are
|
|
threatening a brother officer with
|
|
a gun?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Mandrake, I suppose it never
|
|
occurred to you that while we're
|
|
chatting here so enjoyably, a
|
|
decision is being made by the
|
|
President and the Joint Chiefs in
|
|
the war room at the Pentagon. And
|
|
when they realize there is no
|
|
possibility of recalling the wing,
|
|
there will be only one course of
|
|
action open: total commitment.
|
|
Mandrake, do you recall what
|
|
Clemenzo once said about war?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
No. I don't think I do sir, no.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
He said war was to important to be
|
|
left to the Generals. When he said
|
|
that, fifty years ago, he might
|
|
have been right. But today, war is
|
|
too important to be left to
|
|
politicians. They have neither the
|
|
time, the raining, nor the
|
|
inclination for strategic thought.
|
|
I can no longer sit back and allow
|
|
Communist infiltration, Communist
|
|
indoctrination, communist
|
|
subversion, and the international
|
|
Communist conspiracy to sap and
|
|
impurify all of our precious bodily
|
|
fluids.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 INT. WAR ROOM – PENTAGON 10
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Sam, is everybody here?
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
16.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mr. President, the Secretary of
|
|
State is in Vietnam, the Secretary
|
|
of Defense is in Laos, and the Vice
|
|
President is in Mexico City. We can
|
|
establish contact with them at any
|
|
time if it's necessary. The
|
|
undersecretaries are all here, of
|
|
course.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Right. Now, General Turgidson,
|
|
what's going on here?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Mr. President, about thirty-five
|
|
minutes ago, General Jack Ripper,
|
|
the commanding General of Burpleson
|
|
Air Force Base, issued an order to
|
|
the 34 B-52's of his wing which
|
|
were airborne at the time as part
|
|
of a special exercise we were
|
|
holding called Operation Dropkick.
|
|
Now, it appears that the order
|
|
called for the planes to attack
|
|
their targets inside Russia. The
|
|
planes are fully armed with nuclear
|
|
weapons with an average load of 40
|
|
megatons each. Now the central
|
|
display of Russia will indicate the
|
|
position of the planes. The
|
|
triangles are their primary
|
|
targets, the squares are their
|
|
secondary targets. The aircraft
|
|
will begin penetrating Russian
|
|
radar cover within 25 minutes.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
General Turgidson, I find this very
|
|
difficult to understand. I was
|
|
under the impression that I was the
|
|
only one in authority to order the
|
|
use of nuclear weapons.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
That's right sir. You are the only
|
|
person authorized to do so. And
|
|
although I hate to judge before all
|
|
the facts are in, it's beginning to
|
|
look like General Ripper exceeded
|
|
his authority.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
17.
|
|
|
|
|
|
It certainly does. Far beyond the
|
|
point I would have imagined
|
|
possible.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Well perhaps you're forgetting the
|
|
provisions of plan R, sir.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Plan R?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Plan R is an emergency war plan in
|
|
which a lower echelon commander may
|
|
order nuclear retaliation after a
|
|
sneak attack if the normal chain of
|
|
command is disrupted. You approved
|
|
it, sir. You must remember. Surely
|
|
you must recall, sir, when Senator
|
|
Buford made that big hassle about
|
|
our deterrent lacking credibility.
|
|
The idea was for plan R to be a
|
|
sort of retaliatory safeguard.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
A safeguard.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
I admit the human element seems to
|
|
have failed us here. But the idea
|
|
was to discourage the Russkies from
|
|
any hope that they could knock out
|
|
Washington, and yourself, sir, as
|
|
part of a general sneak attack, and
|
|
escape retaliation because of lack
|
|
of proper command and control.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Well I assume then, that the planes
|
|
will return automatically once they
|
|
reach their failsafe points.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see
|
|
the planes were holding at their
|
|
failsafe points when the go code
|
|
was issued. Now, once they fly
|
|
beyond failsafe they do not require
|
|
a second order to proceed. They
|
|
will fly until they reach their
|
|
targets.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
18.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Then why haven't you radioed the
|
|
planes countermanding the go code?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Well, I'm afraid we're unable to
|
|
communicate with any of the
|
|
aircraft.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Why?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
As you may recall, sir, one of the
|
|
provisions of plan R provides that
|
|
once the go code is received the
|
|
normal SSB radios in the aircraft
|
|
are switched into a special coded
|
|
device, which I believe is
|
|
designated as CRM114. Now, in order
|
|
to prevent the enemy from issuing
|
|
fake or confusing orders, CRM114 is
|
|
designed not to receive at all,
|
|
unless the message is preceded by
|
|
the correct three letter code group
|
|
prefix.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Then do you mean to tell me,
|
|
General Turgidson, that you will be
|
|
unable to recall the aircraft?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
That's about the size of it.
|
|
However, we are plowing through
|
|
every possible three letter
|
|
combination of the code. But since
|
|
there are seventeen thousand
|
|
permutations it's going to take us
|
|
about two and a half days to
|
|
transmit them all.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
How soon did you say the planes
|
|
would penetrate Russian radar
|
|
cover?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
About eighteen minutes from now,
|
|
sir.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Are you in contact with General
|
|
Ripper?
|
|
19.
|
|
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Ah... No sir, no, General Ripper
|
|
sealed off the base and cut off all
|
|
communications.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Where did you get all this
|
|
information?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
General Ripper called Strategic Air
|
|
Command headquarters shortly after
|
|
he issued the go code. I have a
|
|
partial transcript of that
|
|
conversation if you'd like me to
|
|
read it.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Read it.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
The duty officer asked General
|
|
Ripper to confirm the fact the he
|
|
had issued the go code and he said,
|
|
"Yes gentlemen, they are on their
|
|
way in and no one can bring them
|
|
back. For the sake of our country
|
|
and our way of life, I suggest you
|
|
get the rest of SAC in after them,
|
|
otherwise we will be totally
|
|
destroyed by red retaliation. My
|
|
boys will give you the best kind of
|
|
start, fourteen hundred megatons
|
|
worth, and you sure as hell won't
|
|
stop them now. So let's get going.
|
|
There's no other choice. God
|
|
willing, we will prevail in peace
|
|
and freedom from fear and in true
|
|
health through the purity and
|
|
essence of our natural fluids. God
|
|
bless you all." Then he hung up.
|
|
We're still trying to figure out
|
|
the meaning of that last phrase,
|
|
sir.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
There's nothing to figure out
|
|
General Turgidson. This man is
|
|
obviously a psychotic.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
20.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well, I'd like to hold off judgment
|
|
on a thing like that, sir, until
|
|
all the facts are in.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(anger rising)
|
|
General Turgidson, when you
|
|
instituted the human reliability
|
|
tests, you assured me there was no
|
|
possibility of such a thing ever
|
|
occurring.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Well I don't think it's quite fair
|
|
to condemn a whole program because
|
|
of a single slip up sir.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
I want to speak to General Ripper
|
|
on the telephone, personally.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
General Turgidson, I am becoming
|
|
less and less interested in your
|
|
estimates of what is possible and
|
|
impossible. General Faceman.
|
|
|
|
FACEMAN
|
|
Yes, sir.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Are there any army units stationed
|
|
anywhere near Burpleson?
|
|
|
|
FACEMAN
|
|
Well ah, I'll just check, sir.
|
|
|
|
Turgidson's phone beeps.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Hello.
|
|
(pause, then whispering)
|
|
I told you never to call me here;
|
|
don't you know where I am?
|
|
(pause)
|
|
Well look, baby, I can't talk to
|
|
you now. My president needs me. Of
|
|
course Bucky would rather be there
|
|
with you.
|
|
(pause)
|
|
21.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Of course it isn't only physical. I
|
|
deeply respect you as a human
|
|
being. Someday I'm going to make
|
|
you Mrs. Buck Turgidson.
|
|
(pause)
|
|
Listen, you go back to sleep.
|
|
Bucky'll be back there just as soon
|
|
as he can. Alright. Listen, sug',
|
|
don't forget to say your prayers.
|
|
(hangs up and composes
|
|
himself)
|
|
|
|
FACEMAN
|
|
Apparently, the 23rd airborne
|
|
division is stationed seven miles
|
|
away at Alvarado.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
General Faceman, I want them to
|
|
enter the base, locate General
|
|
Ripper, and put him in immediate
|
|
telephone contact with me.
|
|
|
|
FACEMAN
|
|
Yes, sir.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Mr. President, if I may advise,
|
|
under condition red it is standard
|
|
procedure that the base be sealed
|
|
off, and the base be defended by
|
|
base security troops. Any force
|
|
trying to enter there would
|
|
certainly encounter very heavy
|
|
casualties.
|
|
|
|
FACEMAN
|
|
General Turgidson, with all due
|
|
respect for your defense team, my
|
|
boys can brush 'em aside without
|
|
too much trouble.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Mr. President, there are one or two
|
|
points I'd like to make, if I may.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Go ahead, General.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
22.
|
|
|
|
|
|
One, our hopes for recalling the
|
|
843rd bomb wing are quickly being
|
|
reduced to a very low order of
|
|
probability. Two, in less than
|
|
fifteen minutes from now the
|
|
Russkies will be making radar
|
|
contact with the planes. Three,
|
|
when they do, they are going to go
|
|
absolutely ape, and they're gonna
|
|
strike back with everything they've
|
|
got. Four, if prior to this time,
|
|
we have done nothing further to
|
|
suppress their retaliatory
|
|
capabilities, we will suffer
|
|
virtual annihilation. Now, five, if
|
|
on the other hand, we were to
|
|
immediately launch an all out and
|
|
coordinated attack on all their
|
|
airfields and missile bases we'd
|
|
stand a damn good chance of
|
|
catching 'em with their pants down.
|
|
Hell, we got a five to one missile
|
|
superiority as it is. We could
|
|
easily assign three missiles to
|
|
every target, and still have a very
|
|
effective reserve force for any
|
|
other contingency. Now, six, an
|
|
unofficial study which we undertook
|
|
of this eventuality, indicated that
|
|
we would destroy ninety percent of
|
|
their nuclear capabilities. We
|
|
would therefore prevail, and suffer
|
|
only modest and acceptable civilian
|
|
casualties from their remaining
|
|
force which would be badly damaged
|
|
and uncoordinated.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
General, it is the avowed policy of
|
|
our country never to strike first
|
|
with nuclear weapons.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Well, Mr. President, I would say
|
|
that General Ripper has already
|
|
invalidated that policy.
|
|
(laughs)
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
That was not an act of national
|
|
policy and there are still
|
|
alternatives left open to us.
|
|
23.
|
|
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Mr. President, we are rapidly
|
|
approaching a moment of truth both
|
|
for ourselves as human beings and
|
|
for the life of our nation. Now,
|
|
the truth is not always a pleasant
|
|
thing, but it is necessary now make
|
|
a choice, to choose between two
|
|
admittedly regrettable, but
|
|
nevertheless, distinguishable post-
|
|
war environments: one where you got
|
|
twenty million people killed, and
|
|
the other where you got a hundred
|
|
and fifty million people killed.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
You're talking about mass murder,
|
|
General, not war.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Mr. President, I'm not saying we
|
|
wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I
|
|
do say... no more than ten to
|
|
twenty million killed, tops. Uh...
|
|
depended on the breaks.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
I will not go down in history as
|
|
the greatest mass murderer since
|
|
Adolph Hitler!
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Perhaps it might be better, Mr.
|
|
President, if you were more
|
|
concerned with the American people,
|
|
than with your image in the history
|
|
books.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
General Turgidson, I think I've
|
|
heard quite sufficient from you,
|
|
thank you very much!
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
Mr. President, they have the
|
|
ambassador waiting upstairs.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Oh, good. Any difficulty?
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
They say he's having a fit about
|
|
that squad of MPs.
|
|
24.
|
|
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Yes, that can't be helped. Have him
|
|
brought down here straight away.
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
Yes, sir.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Is that the Russian Ambassador
|
|
you're talking about?
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Yes, it is, General.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Ahh, am I to understand the Russian
|
|
Ambassador is to be admitted
|
|
entrance to the War Room?
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
That is correct. He is here on my
|
|
orders.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
I don't know exactly how to put
|
|
this, sir, but are you aware of
|
|
what a serious breach of security
|
|
that would be? I mean...
|
|
(begins closing his
|
|
notebooks)
|
|
... he'll see everything. He'll see
|
|
the big board!
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
That is precisely the idea,
|
|
General. That is precisely the
|
|
idea. Stains, get Premier Kissov on
|
|
the Hotline.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 11
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
25.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Survival Kit contents check. In
|
|
them you will find: one 45 caliber
|
|
automatic, two boxes of ammunition,
|
|
four days concentrated emergency
|
|
rations, one drug issue containing
|
|
antibiotics, morphine, vitamin
|
|
pills, pep pills, sleeping pills,
|
|
tranquilizer pills, one miniature
|
|
combination Rooshan phrase book and
|
|
Bible, one hundred dollars in
|
|
rubles, one hundred dollars in
|
|
gold, nine packs of chewing gum,
|
|
one issue of prophylactics, three
|
|
lipsticks, three pair of nylon
|
|
stockings – shoot, a fellah could
|
|
have a pretty good weekend in Vegas
|
|
with all that stuff....
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
12 INT. WAR ROOM 12
|
|
|
|
DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of
|
|
a drinking glass, and places the glass on a banquet table
|
|
covered with an ornate array of meats, breads, and pies.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
You don't have any fresh fish?
|
|
|
|
AIDE
|
|
I'm afraid not sir.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Your eggs, then, they are fresh?
|
|
|
|
AIDE
|
|
Oh, yes, sir.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
I will have poached eggs. And bring
|
|
me some cigars, please. Havana
|
|
cigars.
|
|
|
|
AIDE
|
|
That will be all for you sir?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Yes.
|
|
|
|
AIDE
|
|
Then I'll see to it right away.
|
|
26.
|
|
|
|
|
|
GENERAL
|
|
Try one of these Jamaican cigars,
|
|
ambassador, they're pretty good.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Thank you, no. I do not support the
|
|
work of imperialist stooges.
|
|
|
|
GENERAL
|
|
Oh, only commie stooges, huh?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
(whispers, clutching his
|
|
notebooks to his chest)
|
|
Mr. President, you gonna let that
|
|
lousy commie punk vomit all over us
|
|
like this?
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
Mr. President, we haven't been able
|
|
to reach Premier Kissov in the
|
|
Kremlin. They say they don't know
|
|
where he is, and he won't be back
|
|
for another two hours.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Try B86543 Moscow.
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
Yes, sir.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
You would never have found him
|
|
through his office, Mr. President.
|
|
Our Premier is a man of the people,
|
|
but he is also... a man, if you
|
|
follow my meaning.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(laughs)
|
|
Fine.
|
|
|
|
Turgidson mutters to a seated General.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
What did you say?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
I said, Premier Kissov is a
|
|
degenerate atheist commie! That's
|
|
what I said.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
27.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mr. President, I formally request
|
|
that you have this ignorant fool
|
|
removed from the war room.
|
|
|
|
DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat,
|
|
each waving a pointed finger at another.
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
(interrupts argument)
|
|
I think they're trying the number.
|
|
|
|
TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle
|
|
begins between DeSadeski and Turgidson.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(to Turgidson and
|
|
DeSadeski who is on
|
|
Turgidson's lap)
|
|
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here.
|
|
This is the War Room! What is going
|
|
on here? I demand an explanation.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
This clumsy fool tried to plant
|
|
that ridiculous camera on me.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr.
|
|
Commie. Look at this, Mr.
|
|
President. This lousy commie rat
|
|
was taking pictures with this
|
|
thing. Of the big board!
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Mr. Ambassador!
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
This clumsy fool attempted to plant
|
|
that ridiculous camera on me.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
That's a damn lie! I saw him, with
|
|
my own eyes!
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I
|
|
have never heard of such behavior
|
|
in the war room before.
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
Mr. President, I think they're
|
|
getting him on the line.
|
|
28.
|
|
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
13 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 13
|
|
|
|
The attack begins.
|
|
|
|
SOLDIER #1
|
|
You sure gotta hand it to those
|
|
commies.
|
|
|
|
SOLDIER #2
|
|
Yeah.
|
|
|
|
SOLDIER #3
|
|
Gee, those trucks look like the
|
|
real thing, don't they?
|
|
|
|
SOLDIER #2
|
|
I wonder where they got 'em from.
|
|
|
|
SOLDIER #3
|
|
Probably bought them from the army
|
|
as war surplus.
|
|
|
|
SOLDIER #1
|
|
OK. Open up at 200 yards.
|
|
|
|
Firefight begins
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
14 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 14
|
|
|
|
Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
15 INT. WAR ROOM 15
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Tell him where you are, and that
|
|
you'll enter the conversation if I
|
|
say anything that's untrue, but
|
|
please don't tell him anything more
|
|
than that. Alexiy, Alexiy,
|
|
please... I beg you.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
I don't have a phone.
|
|
29.
|
|
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(snaps fingers)
|
|
Give him your phone, Frank.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Govorit DeSadeski.
|
|
(continues in Russian,
|
|
then...)
|
|
I've done as you asked. Be careful
|
|
Mr. President. I think he's drunk.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I
|
|
can't hear too well, do you suppose
|
|
you could turn the music down just
|
|
a little? Oh, that's much better.
|
|
Yes. Fine, I can hear you now,
|
|
Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming
|
|
through fine. I'm coming through
|
|
fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then
|
|
as you say we're both coming
|
|
through fine. Good. Well it's good
|
|
that you're fine and I'm fine. I
|
|
agree with you. It's great to be
|
|
fine.
|
|
(laughs)
|
|
Now then Dimitri. You know how
|
|
we've always talked about the
|
|
possibility of something going
|
|
wrong with the bomb. The bomb,
|
|
Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well
|
|
now what happened is, one of our
|
|
base commanders, he had a sort of,
|
|
well he went a little funny in the
|
|
head. You know. Just a little...
|
|
funny. And uh, he went and did a
|
|
silly thing.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Well, I'll tell you what he did, he
|
|
ordered his planes... to attack
|
|
your country.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me
|
|
finish, Dimitri.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Well, listen, how do you think I
|
|
feel about it? Can you imagine how
|
|
I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do
|
|
you think I'm calling you? Just to
|
|
say hello?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
30.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Of course I like to speak to you.
|
|
Of course I like to say hello. Not
|
|
now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm
|
|
just calling up to tell you
|
|
something terrible has happened.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
It's a friendly call. Of course
|
|
it's a friendly call. Listen, if it
|
|
wasn't friendly, ... you probably
|
|
wouldn't have even got it. They
|
|
will not reach their targets for at
|
|
least another hour.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
I am... I am positive, Dimitri.
|
|
Listen, I've been all over this
|
|
with your ambassador. It is not a
|
|
trick.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Well I'll tell you. We'd like to
|
|
give your air staff a complete run
|
|
down on the targets, the flight
|
|
plans, and the defensive systems of
|
|
the planes.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Yes! I mean, if we're unable to
|
|
recall the planes, then I'd say
|
|
that, uh, well, we're just going to
|
|
have to help you destroy them,
|
|
Dimitri.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
I know they're our boys.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Alright, well, listen... who should
|
|
we call?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Who should we call, Dimitri?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
The people...? Sorry, you faded
|
|
away there.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
The People's Central Air Defense
|
|
Headquarters. Where is that,
|
|
Dimitri?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
In Omsk. Right. Yes.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Oh, you'll call them first, will
|
|
you?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Uh-huh. Listen, do you happen to
|
|
have the phone number on you,
|
|
Dimitri?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
31.
|
|
|
|
|
|
What? I see, just ask for Omsk
|
|
Information. I'm sorry too,
|
|
Dimitri. I'm very sorry.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Alright! You're sorrier than I am!
|
|
But I am sorry as well. I am as
|
|
sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't
|
|
say that you are more sorry than I
|
|
am, because I am capable of being
|
|
just as sorry as you are. So we're
|
|
both sorry, alright?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes,
|
|
he wants to talk to you. Just a
|
|
second.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
(continues in Russian.
|
|
Gradually becomes
|
|
alarmed, then...)
|
|
Das voydaniya...
|
|
(rests phone on the table
|
|
before him)
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
What... what is it, what?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
The fools... the mad fools.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
What's happened?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
The doomsday machine.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
The doomsday machine? What is that?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
A device which will destroy all
|
|
human and animal life on earth.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
All human and animal life?
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
16 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 16
|
|
|
|
Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a
|
|
comforting arm around his shoulder.
|
|
32.
|
|
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
(through his cigar)
|
|
Mandrake.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes, Jack?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Have you ever seen a commie drink a
|
|
glass of water?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well, no I... I can't say I have,
|
|
Jack.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Vodka. That's what they drink,
|
|
isn't it? Never water?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well I... I believe that's what
|
|
they drink, Jack. Yes.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
On no account will a commie ever
|
|
drink water, and not without good
|
|
reason.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see
|
|
what you're getting at, Jack.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Water. That's what I'm getting at.
|
|
Water. Mandrake, water is the
|
|
source of all life. Seven tenths of
|
|
this earth's surface is water. Why,
|
|
you realize that.. seventy percent
|
|
of you is water.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Uhhh God...
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
And as human beings, you and I need
|
|
fresh, pure water to replenish our
|
|
precious bodily fluids.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes.
|
|
(chuckles nervously)
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
33.
|
|
|
|
|
|
You beginning to understand?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes.
|
|
(chuckles – begins
|
|
laughing/crying quietly)
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never
|
|
wondered why I drink only distilled
|
|
water, or rain water, and only pure
|
|
grain alcohol?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Have you ever heard of a thing
|
|
called fluoridation? Fluoridation
|
|
of water?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Ah, yes, I have heard of that,
|
|
Jack. Yes.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Well do you now what it is?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
No. No, I don't know what it is.
|
|
No.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Do you realize that fluoridation is
|
|
the most monstrously conceived and
|
|
dangerous communist plot we have
|
|
ever had to face?
|
|
|
|
Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons
|
|
fire.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
(walks to window and
|
|
shouts)
|
|
Two can play at this game soldier!
|
|
|
|
More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the
|
|
overhead desk lamp.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
That's nice shooting, soldier!
|
|
34.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his
|
|
closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear
|
|
with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Mandrake! Come here!
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
You calling me, Jack?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Just come over here and help me
|
|
with this belt.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
(prone on couch)
|
|
I ah, I haven't had very much
|
|
experience, you know, with those...
|
|
sort of machines, Jack. I only ever
|
|
pressed a button in my old
|
|
Spitfire.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Mandrake, in the name of Her
|
|
Majesty and the Continental
|
|
Congress come here and feed me this
|
|
belt, boy!
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's
|
|
happened, you see, is the string in
|
|
my leg's gone.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
The what?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
The string. I never told you, but,
|
|
you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh
|
|
dear. Gone. Shot off.
|
|
|
|
Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Mandrake, come over here. The Red
|
|
Coats are coming. Come on!
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
17 INT. WAR ROOM 17
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
35.
|
|
|
|
|
|
When it is detonated, it will
|
|
produce enough lethal radioactive
|
|
fallout so that within ten months,
|
|
the surface of the earth will be as
|
|
dead as the moon!
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's
|
|
ridiculous. Our studies show that
|
|
even the worst fallout is down to a
|
|
safe level after two weeks.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
You've obviously never heard of
|
|
cobalt thorium G.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
No, what about it?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive
|
|
halflife of ninety three years. If
|
|
you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the
|
|
hundred megaton range and jacket
|
|
them with cobalt thorium G, when
|
|
they are exploded they will produce
|
|
a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud
|
|
of radioactivity which will
|
|
encircle the earth for ninety three
|
|
years!
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I
|
|
mean, afterall...
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
I'm afraid I don't understand
|
|
something, Alexiy. Is the Premier
|
|
threatening to explode this if our
|
|
planes carry out their attack?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
No sir. It is not a thing a sane
|
|
man would do. The doomsday machine
|
|
is designed to to trigger itself
|
|
automatically.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
But surely you can disarm it
|
|
somehow.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
36.
|
|
|
|
|
|
No. It is designed to explode if
|
|
any attempt is ever made to
|
|
untrigger it.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Automatically?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick,
|
|
Mr. President.
|
|
(walks backwards towards
|
|
the big board)
|
|
We're wasting valuable time.
|
|
(falls over backwards and
|
|
does a somersault, and
|
|
brings himself back onto
|
|
his feet)
|
|
Look at the big board! They're
|
|
getting ready to clobber us!
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
But this is absolute madness,
|
|
ambassador. Why should you build
|
|
such a thing?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
There are those of us who fought
|
|
against it, but in the end we could
|
|
not keep up with the expense
|
|
involved in the arms race, the
|
|
space race, and the peace race. And
|
|
at the same time our people
|
|
grumbled for more nylons and
|
|
washing machines. Our doomsday
|
|
scheme cost us just a small
|
|
fraction of what we'd been spending
|
|
on defense in a single year. But
|
|
the deciding factor was when we
|
|
learned that your country was
|
|
working along similar lines, and we
|
|
were afraid of a doomsday gap.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
This is preposterous. I've never
|
|
approved of anything like that.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
Our source was the New York Times.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Dr. Strangelove, do we have
|
|
anything like that in the works?
|
|
37.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley
|
|
and DeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly
|
|
turn their heads in search of Strangelove.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
(in wheelchair)
|
|
A moment please, Mr. President.
|
|
|
|
Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the
|
|
table and begins wheeling towards the discussion between
|
|
Muffley and DeSadeski.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Under the authority granted me as
|
|
director of weapons research and
|
|
development, I commissioned last
|
|
year a study of this project by the
|
|
Bland corporation. Based on the
|
|
findings of the report, my
|
|
conclusion was that this idea was
|
|
not a practical deterrent, for
|
|
reasons which, at this moment, must
|
|
be all too obvious.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Then you mean it is possible for
|
|
them to have built such a thing?
|
|
|
|
Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking
|
|
right hand, which is in a black glove.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Mr. President, the technology
|
|
required is easily within the means
|
|
of even the smallest nuclear power.
|
|
It requires only the will to do so.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
But, how is it possible for this
|
|
thing to be triggered
|
|
automatically, and at the same time
|
|
impossible to untrigger?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
38.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mr. President, it is not only
|
|
possible, it is essential. That is
|
|
the whole idea of this machine, you
|
|
know. Deterrence is the art of
|
|
producing in the mind of the
|
|
enemy... the fear to attack. And
|
|
so, because of the automated and
|
|
irrevocable decision making process
|
|
which rules out human meddling, the
|
|
doomsday machine is terrifying.
|
|
It's simple to understand. And
|
|
completely credible, and
|
|
convincing.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Gee, I wish we had one of them
|
|
doomsday machines, Stainsy.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
But this is fantastic, Strangelove.
|
|
How can it be triggered
|
|
automatically?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Well, it's remarkably simple to do
|
|
that. When you merely wish to bury
|
|
bombs, there is no limit to the
|
|
size. After that they are connected
|
|
to a gigantic complex of computers.
|
|
Now then, a specific and clearly
|
|
defined set of circumstances, under
|
|
which the bombs are to be exploded,
|
|
is programmed into a tape memory
|
|
bank.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Strangelove. What kind of a name is
|
|
that? That ain't no kraut name, is
|
|
it, Stainsy?
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
He changed it when he became a
|
|
citizen. It used to be
|
|
Merkwurkdigliebe.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Hmm. A kraut, by any other name,
|
|
huh, Stainsy?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
39.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yes, but the... whole point of the
|
|
doomsday machine... is lost... if
|
|
you keep it a secret! Why didn't
|
|
you tell the world, eh?
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
It was to be announced at the Party
|
|
Congress on Monday. As you know,
|
|
the Premier loves surprises.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
18 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 18
|
|
|
|
Firefight continues.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
19 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 19
|
|
|
|
Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper,
|
|
standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is
|
|
now crouching by his side.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and
|
|
Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.
|
|
Alright, Mandrake, now feed me.
|
|
Feed me.
|
|
|
|
Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops.
|
|
Enemy fire subsides.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
(laughs)
|
|
Jack, don't you think we'd be
|
|
better off in some other part of
|
|
the room, away from all this flying
|
|
glass?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake,
|
|
do you realize that in addition to
|
|
fluoridated water, why, there are
|
|
studies underway to fluoridate
|
|
salt, flour, fruit juices, soup,
|
|
sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream,
|
|
Mandrake. Children's ice cream?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Good Lord.
|
|
40.
|
|
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
You know when fluoridation first
|
|
began?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
No. No, I don't, Jack. No.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Nineteen hundred and forty six.
|
|
Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How
|
|
does that coincide with your
|
|
postwar commie conspiracy, huh?
|
|
It's incredibly obvious, isn't it?
|
|
A foreign substance is introduced
|
|
into our precious bodily fluids
|
|
without the knowledge of the
|
|
individual, and certainly without
|
|
any choice. That's the way your
|
|
hard core commie works.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Jack... Jack, listen, tell me,
|
|
ah... when did you first become,
|
|
well, develop this theory.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Well, I ah, I I first became aware
|
|
of it, Mandrake, during the
|
|
physical act of love.
|
|
|
|
Mandrake sighs fearfully.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a
|
|
feeling of emptiness followed.
|
|
Luckily I was able to interpret
|
|
these feelings correctly: loss of
|
|
essence.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes...
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
I can assure you it has not
|
|
recurred, Mandrake. Women... women
|
|
sense my power, and they seek the
|
|
life essence. I do not avoid women,
|
|
Mandrake, but I do deny them my
|
|
essence.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Heh heh... yes.
|
|
41.
|
|
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
20 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 20
|
|
|
|
Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defending
|
|
troops.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
21 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 21
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Boys must have surrendered.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now
|
|
Jack, listen. While there's still
|
|
time, I beg you, let's recall the
|
|
wing.
|
|
|
|
Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun
|
|
as a walking stick, kicking debris en route. Sits.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Those boys were like my children,
|
|
Mandrake. Now they let me down.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No,
|
|
I'm sure they all gave you their
|
|
very best. And I'm equally sure
|
|
they all died thinking of you,
|
|
every man jack of them, heh, Jack.
|
|
Supposing a bit of water has gone
|
|
off, eh? And certainly one can
|
|
never be too sure about those sort
|
|
of things. Would you look at me
|
|
now. Do I look all rancid and
|
|
clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh?
|
|
Look, eh? And I drink a lot of
|
|
water, you know. I'm what you might
|
|
call a water man, Jack. That's what
|
|
I am. And I can swear to you, my
|
|
boy, swear to you, that there's
|
|
nothing wrong with my bodily
|
|
fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner
|
|
of war?
|
|
42.
|
|
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well, Jack, the time's running...
|
|
very... huh?
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Were you ever a prisoner of war?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack,
|
|
I was.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Did they torture you?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured
|
|
by the Japanese, Jack, if you must
|
|
know. Not a pretty story.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
Well what happened?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Oh... well... I don't know, Jack.
|
|
Difficult to think of under these
|
|
conditions. But, well, what
|
|
happened was they got me on the old
|
|
Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying
|
|
train mines for the bloody Japanese
|
|
puff puffs.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
No, I mean when they tortured you,
|
|
did you talk?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think
|
|
they wanted me to talk, really. I
|
|
don't think they wanted me to say
|
|
anything. It was just their way of
|
|
having... a bit of fun, the swines.
|
|
Strange thing is they make such
|
|
bloody good cameras.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
You know those clowns outside are
|
|
gonna give me a pretty good going
|
|
over in a few minutes. For the
|
|
code.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
43.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yes. does a double take Yes, well
|
|
you may have... you may have quite
|
|
a point there, Jack.
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
I don't know how well I could stand
|
|
up under torture.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Well of course the answer to that
|
|
is, boy, no one ever does. And my
|
|
advice to you, Jack, is to give me
|
|
the code now. And if those devils
|
|
come back and try any rough stuff,
|
|
we'll fight them together, boy,
|
|
like we did just now, on the floor,
|
|
eh? You with the old gun, and me
|
|
with the belt and the ammo, feeding
|
|
you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and I
|
|
was feeding you, Jack.
|
|
(pats Ripper on the
|
|
shoulder)
|
|
|
|
RIPPER
|
|
No, Mandrake. I happen to believe
|
|
in a life after this one, and I
|
|
know I'll have to answer for what
|
|
I've done. And I think I can.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes, well of course you can, Jack,
|
|
of course you can. You can! I'm a
|
|
religious man, myself, you know,
|
|
Jack. I believe in all that sort of
|
|
thing, and... I'm hoping, you know,
|
|
Jack.
|
|
|
|
Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about
|
|
the room, dragging the 50 cal. which he lets fall.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
You dropped your gun, Jack, yes...
|
|
(picks up the machine gun
|
|
and carries it)
|
|
... you know what I'm...
|
|
(Ripper begins removing
|
|
his jacket here)
|
|
... no, Jack. Let me take that for
|
|
you. I'll take that for you, Jack.
|
|
(takes Ripper's jacket
|
|
and drapes it over the
|
|
gun)
|
|
44.
|
|
|
|
|
|
And, ah, you know what I'm hoping,
|
|
Jack? I'm hoping you're going to
|
|
give me the code, boy. That's what
|
|
I'm hoping. And, oh...
|
|
(Ripper enters the
|
|
washroom)
|
|
oh, you're going have a little wash
|
|
and brush up, are you? What a good
|
|
idea. Always did wonders for a man,
|
|
that, Jack. A little wash and brush
|
|
up. Water on the back of the neck,
|
|
and... makes you feel marvelous.
|
|
That's what we need, Jack! Water on
|
|
the back of the neck and the code.
|
|
Now, ... now supposing I play a
|
|
little guessing game with you,
|
|
Jack, boy.
|
|
(Ripper shuts washroom
|
|
door)
|
|
I'll try and guess... I'll try and
|
|
guess what the code is...
|
|
|
|
A gun shot rings out from within the washroom – Mandrake
|
|
gapes at the closed door, drops the machine gun, and pushes
|
|
on the door, which is blocked after opening a few inches.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
22 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 22
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Co-pilot to navigator, I'm ready
|
|
with the fuel figures now. We have
|
|
one hundred and nine thousand
|
|
total, seventy nine thousand in the
|
|
mains, and thirty thousand in the
|
|
auxiliaries. And that works out to
|
|
roughly seven hours fifteen minutes
|
|
endurance for this time.
|
|
|
|
DSO
|
|
DSO to Captain, I have an
|
|
unidentified radar blip. Distance:
|
|
60 miles. Approximate speed: mach
|
|
three. Looks like a missile
|
|
tracking us! Confirmed, definite
|
|
missile track. Commence evasive
|
|
action right. Missile still closing
|
|
range; distance: 50 miles. Continue
|
|
evasive action.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
45.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Lock ECM to target intercept mode.
|
|
|
|
DSO ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still
|
|
tracking and closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue
|
|
evasive action. Electronic guidance scrambler to blue grid.
|
|
Missile still tracking steady and closing distance. Range:
|
|
30 miles. Missile still closing true and steady. Continue
|
|
evasive action. Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing
|
|
distance... and tracking steady.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Evac range gate on maximum scan.
|
|
|
|
DSO
|
|
Range gate on maximum scan. Range:
|
|
10 miles. Missile track deflecting.
|
|
Continue evasive action. Deflection
|
|
increasing; range: 8 miles.
|
|
Deflection still increasing; range:
|
|
6 miles. Missile still deflecting;
|
|
range: 4 miles. Range: 2 miles;
|
|
missile still deflecting. Range:
|
|
one mile; missile detonated!
|
|
|
|
DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong is
|
|
jolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to
|
|
attend to fires, regain control of aircraft.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Spot lever to cutoff... reselect to
|
|
central power... Extinguishers...
|
|
Transfer switches... boost pumps
|
|
up. Fuel valves three four and six.
|
|
Give me full power.
|
|
|
|
Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
23 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE – BURPLESON AFB 23
|
|
|
|
Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered
|
|
with doodles and an interlocking pattern of the words Peace
|
|
On Earth, and Purity Of Essence.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth.
|
|
Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of
|
|
essence. O P O E.
|
|
(whispers)
|
|
O P E.
|
|
46.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door
|
|
to the office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1
|
|
carbine.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
Put your hands over your head.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
What the devil do you think you're
|
|
doing, shooting your way in here?
|
|
Who are you?
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
I said, put your hands over your
|
|
head. What kind of suit you call
|
|
that, fellah?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
What do you mean, suit? This
|
|
happens to be an R. A. F. uniform,
|
|
sir. And I am Group Captain Lionel
|
|
Mandrake. I am General Ripper's
|
|
Executive Officer.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
Where's General Ripper?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
He's dead, in the bathroom.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
Where's the bathroom?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Next to you.
|
|
|
|
Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in
|
|
exclamation.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Look, I don't know what sort of
|
|
stupid game this is you're playing,
|
|
but I've got a very good idea what
|
|
the recall code is and I have to
|
|
get in touch with SAC headquarters
|
|
immediately.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
I said put your hands over your
|
|
head and keep 'em there. Got any
|
|
witnesses?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
47.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Witnesses? What are you talking
|
|
about, witnesses? He shot himself!
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
While he was shaving, huh?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if
|
|
that really is your name, may I
|
|
tell you that I have a very, very
|
|
good idea, I think, I hope, I pray,
|
|
what the recall code is. It's some
|
|
sort of recurrent theme he kept
|
|
repeating. It's a variation on
|
|
Peace on Earth or Purity of
|
|
Essence. E O P. O P E. It's one of
|
|
those!
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
Put your hands up on top of your
|
|
head. Start walking.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Don't you know that General Ripper
|
|
went as mad as a bloody march hare
|
|
and sent the while wing to attack
|
|
the Soviets? Don't you know that?
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
What are you talking about?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
I'll tell you what I'm talking
|
|
about. I'm going to pick up this
|
|
red telephone which is connected to
|
|
SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast!
|
|
Shot away, I expect by one of your
|
|
men during this ridiculous
|
|
fighting! picks up another phone
|
|
Right.
|
|
(glances down to
|
|
discover)
|
|
this phone has no cord at all)
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
Alright, Charlie, I been wasting
|
|
too much time on you. I got a lot
|
|
of wounded men outside. Start
|
|
walking.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
48.
|
|
|
|
|
|
24 INT. B-52 24
|
|
|
|
Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.
|
|
|
|
GOLDIE
|
|
All the radio gear is out,
|
|
including the CRM-114. I think the
|
|
auto-destruct mechanism got hit and
|
|
blew itself up.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
The fire is out. Emergency power is
|
|
on. Everything seems to check out
|
|
alright. Will advise.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Roger. Navigator...
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
I've worked out our rate of fuel
|
|
loss at approximately one six two
|
|
per minute. This gives us a radius
|
|
of action sufficient to take out
|
|
primary and secondary targets. But
|
|
we will not, repeat, not be able to
|
|
make it back to any base or neutral
|
|
country. However we would have
|
|
enough fuel to ditch at weather
|
|
ship tango delta: grid coordinates
|
|
zero zero three six nine one.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Now, boys, we got three engines
|
|
out; we got more holes in us than a
|
|
horse trader's mule, the radio's
|
|
gone and we're leaking fuel, and if
|
|
we's flying any lower, why, we'd
|
|
need sleigh bells on this thing.
|
|
But we got one little budge on them
|
|
russkies, at this this height, why,
|
|
they might harpoon us but they dang
|
|
sure ain't gonna spot us on no
|
|
radar screen.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
25 INT. HALLWAY – BURPLESON AFB 25
|
|
|
|
Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at
|
|
gunpoint.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
49.
|
|
|
|
|
|
The other way.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Where are you taking me?
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
The main gate.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Colonel! Colonel, I must know what
|
|
you think has been going on here!
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
You wanna know what I think?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Yes.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
I think you're some kind of
|
|
deviated prevert. And I think
|
|
General Ripper found out about your
|
|
preversion, and that you were
|
|
organizing some kind of mutiny of
|
|
preverts. Now, move!
|
|
|
|
Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
On top of that I don't know
|
|
anything about any planes attacking
|
|
Russia. All I was told to do was
|
|
get General Ripper on the phone to
|
|
the President of the United States.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Now just one second. You just
|
|
said... the President.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
What about the President?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Now, the president wants to speak
|
|
to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,
|
|
General Ripper is dead, is he not?
|
|
I am General Ripper's executive
|
|
officer, so the president will
|
|
bloody well want to speak to me,
|
|
won't he? There's a telephone box
|
|
over there, and the line may be
|
|
open.
|
|
50.
|
|
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
You want to talk to the president
|
|
of the United States?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
I don't want to talk to him,
|
|
Colonel, I've got to talk to him.
|
|
And I can assure you, if you don't
|
|
put that gun away and stop this
|
|
stupid nonsense, the court of
|
|
inquiry on this'll give you such a
|
|
pranging, you'll be lucky if you
|
|
end up wearing the uniform of a
|
|
bloody toilet attendant!
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
OK. Go ahead. Try and get the
|
|
President of the United States on
|
|
the phone.
|
|
|
|
Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano
|
|
pushes it back open.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
If you try any preversions in there
|
|
I'll blow your head off.
|
|
|
|
Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Operator? This is Group Captain
|
|
Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from
|
|
Burpleson Air Force Base. Look,
|
|
something very urgent has come up
|
|
and I want you to place an
|
|
emergency person to person call
|
|
with President Merkin Muffley in
|
|
the Pentagon, Washington D.C.
|
|
Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm
|
|
perfectly serious, operator, the
|
|
President, yes the President of the
|
|
United States. I'm sorry, I haven't
|
|
got enough change. Um, could you...
|
|
could you make this a collect call,
|
|
operator?
|
|
|
|
Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks
|
|
on.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Just one second, operator.
|
|
(to Guano)
|
|
51.
|
|
|
|
|
|
They won't accept the call. Have
|
|
you got fifty-five cents?
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
Well, you don't think I'd go into
|
|
combat with loose change in my
|
|
pocket, do you?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
Operator, look, ah... is it
|
|
possible to make this an
|
|
ordinary... ordinary trunk call?
|
|
Well, what do you call it... you
|
|
know, ah...
|
|
(raps on phone box with
|
|
knuckles)
|
|
... oh, ah... station to station.
|
|
(counts change in his
|
|
palm)
|
|
Oh, blast. Still twenty cents
|
|
short. Operator, hold on one...
|
|
ah... I shan't keep you a second.
|
|
(to Guano)
|
|
Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I
|
|
want you to shoot the lock off it.
|
|
There may be some change in there.
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
That's private property.
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
(exasperated)
|
|
Colonel, can you possibly imagine
|
|
what is going to happen to you,
|
|
your frame, outlook, way of life
|
|
and everything, when they learn
|
|
that you have obstructed a
|
|
telephone call to the President of
|
|
the United States? Can you imagine?
|
|
Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun!
|
|
That's what the bullets are for,
|
|
you twit!
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
OK. I'm gonna get your money for
|
|
you. But if you don't get the
|
|
President of the Unites States on
|
|
that phone, you know what's going
|
|
to happen to you?
|
|
|
|
MANDRAKE
|
|
What?
|
|
52.
|
|
|
|
|
|
GUANO
|
|
You're going to have to answer to
|
|
the Coca-Cola Company.
|
|
|
|
Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills
|
|
from the coin return slot. As Guano bends to collect it,
|
|
coke streams from a bullet hole and showers his face.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
26 INT. WAR ROOM 26
|
|
|
|
VOICE ON PA
|
|
This is SAC communications control.
|
|
The recall code, OPE, is being
|
|
acknowledged roger by elements of
|
|
the 843 bomb wing.
|
|
|
|
Cheering starts among men in the War Room.
|
|
|
|
VOICE ON PA
|
|
These are the details: missions 12,
|
|
22, 30, and 38 are reported
|
|
destroyed by enemy action. All
|
|
other missions have acknowledged
|
|
recall code. This is SAC
|
|
communications control, over and
|
|
out.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
(whistles loudly)
|
|
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
|
|
|
|
War room falls silent.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm
|
|
not a sentimentalist at all, by
|
|
nature, but I think I know what's
|
|
in every heart in this room. I
|
|
think we ought to all just bow our
|
|
heads and give a short prayer of
|
|
thanks for our deliverance. Lord,
|
|
we have heard the wings of the
|
|
angel of death fluttering over our
|
|
heads from the valley of fear. You
|
|
have seen fit to deliver us from
|
|
the forces of evil...
|
|
|
|
STAINS
|
|
Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's
|
|
calling again and he's hopping mad.
|
|
53.
|
|
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
27 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 27
|
|
|
|
GOLDIE
|
|
Fuel flow in active engines and
|
|
leakage has increased. Now works
|
|
out at two zero five. Estimate
|
|
remaining fuel at eight seven nine
|
|
zero.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Roger. Confirm two zero five per
|
|
minute and remaining fuel eight
|
|
seven nine zero.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
28 INT. WAR ROOM 28
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
No. No, Dimitri, there must be some
|
|
mistake.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
No, I'm certain of that. I'm
|
|
perfectly certain of that, Dimitri.
|
|
Just a second.
|
|
(puts down phone)
|
|
You know what he says? He says that
|
|
one of the planes hasn't turned
|
|
back. He says according to
|
|
information forwarded by our air
|
|
staff, it's headed for the missile
|
|
complex at Lapuda.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
|
|
WHAH...
|
|
(laughs in wheezing
|
|
incredulity)
|
|
That's impossible, Mr. President. I
|
|
mean, look at the big board!
|
|
Thirty-four planes, thirty recalls
|
|
acknowledged, and four splashes,
|
|
and one of them was targeted for
|
|
Lapuda!
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
54.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dimitri? Look, we've got an
|
|
acknowledgement from every plane
|
|
except the four you've shot down.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a
|
|
second, Dimitri.
|
|
(covers phone)
|
|
He says their air staff now only
|
|
claims three aircraft confirmed.
|
|
The fourth may only be damaged.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Mr. President, I'm beginning to
|
|
smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,
|
|
supposing Kissov is lying about
|
|
that fourth plane, just looking for
|
|
an excuse to clobber us. I mean, if
|
|
the spaghetti hits the fan, now
|
|
we're really in trouble.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
Dimitri, look, if this report is
|
|
true and the plane manages to bomb
|
|
the target, is it... is this going
|
|
to full.. is this going to set off
|
|
the doomsday machine?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Are you sure?
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Well, I... I guess you're just
|
|
going to have to get that plane,
|
|
Dimitri! Dimitri, I'm sorry they're
|
|
jamming your radar and flying so
|
|
low, but they're trained to do it.
|
|
You know, it's it's initiative!
|
|
Look, Dimitri, you know exactly
|
|
where they're going and I'm sure
|
|
your entire air defense can stop a
|
|
single plane. Listen, I mean, it's
|
|
not going to help either one of us
|
|
if the doomsday machine goes off,
|
|
now is it?
|
|
|
|
(LISTENS)
|
|
Dom... Dimitri there's no point in
|
|
you getting you hysterical at a
|
|
moment like this! Dimitri! Keep
|
|
your feet on the ground when you're
|
|
talking, Dimitri.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
55.
|
|
|
|
|
|
I... I am not I am not getting...
|
|
no, Dimitri. I... I just am
|
|
worried, that's all. Look, now if
|
|
our air staff say it's primary
|
|
target is Lapuda and it's secondary
|
|
target it Bordkov, I mean it's it's
|
|
true, Dimitri! You gotta believe
|
|
it.
|
|
|
|
Turgidson nods affirmative
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Look, can I gi...
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Dimitri, can I give you just one
|
|
word... can I give you just one
|
|
word of advice, Dimitri? Listen,
|
|
Dimitri, put everything you've got
|
|
into those two sectors and you
|
|
can't miss.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
29 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 29
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at
|
|
the present rate, I estimate we
|
|
only have thirty-eight minutes
|
|
flying time which will not even
|
|
take us as far as the primary.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me
|
|
that you'd get me to the primary!
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was
|
|
based on the original loss rate
|
|
factor, not at two zero five.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
I don't give a hoot in hell how you
|
|
do it, you just get me to the
|
|
primary, you hear?
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
I'm sorry Sir, but those are the
|
|
figures. We'll be luck to reach
|
|
weather ship at tango delta.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
56.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Well... shoot. We ain't come this
|
|
far just to dump this thing in the
|
|
drink. What's the nearest target
|
|
opportunity?
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Sir, if the rate of loss does not
|
|
increase, we have a chance to reach
|
|
target three eight four,grid
|
|
coordinate zero zero three six nine
|
|
one, and possibly make it from
|
|
there to the tango delta weather
|
|
ship.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
What kind of a target is that,
|
|
anyhow?
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Sir, that's the ICBM complex at
|
|
Kodlosk.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Alright. Designating new target
|
|
three eight four. Give me a rough
|
|
heading on that just as soon as you
|
|
can get it worked out, will you?
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
30 INT. WAR ROOM 30
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
(into phone)
|
|
Well, we'll keep our fingers
|
|
crossed, Dimitri, and remember,
|
|
there's just one thing, we are all
|
|
in this together. We're right
|
|
behind you, Dimitri. We're with you
|
|
all the way.
|
|
(listens)
|
|
Yes. Well, we'll keep the line
|
|
open. Alright Dimitri.
|
|
(rests phone on the
|
|
table)
|
|
General Turgidson, is there really
|
|
a chance for that plane to get
|
|
through?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
57.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mr. President, if I may speak
|
|
freely, the Russkie talks big, but
|
|
frankly, we think he's short of
|
|
know how. I mean, you just can't
|
|
expect a bunch of ignorant peons to
|
|
understand a machine like some of
|
|
our boys. And that's not meant as
|
|
an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean,
|
|
you take your average Russkie, we
|
|
all know how much guts he's got.
|
|
Hell, lookit look at all them them
|
|
Nazis killed off and they still
|
|
wouldn't quit.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Can't you stick to the point,
|
|
General?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the
|
|
pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's
|
|
really... sharp, he can barrel that
|
|
baby in so low spreads his arms
|
|
like wings., laughs you oughtta see
|
|
it sometime, it's a sight. A big
|
|
plane, like a '52, vroom! There's
|
|
jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the
|
|
barnyard!
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Yeah, but has he got a chance?
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Has he got a chance? Hell Ye...
|
|
ye...
|
|
(covers mouth in solemn
|
|
realization)
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
31 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 31
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Navigator to Captain, approaching
|
|
target. Distance, one zero miles.
|
|
Switch from green grid to target
|
|
orange.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Roger. Ready for final bomb run
|
|
check. Take over, Ace.
|
|
58.
|
|
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger.
|
|
|
|
DSO
|
|
DSO ready.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Bombardier ready, sir.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Bomb fusing master safety on,
|
|
electronics, barometrics, time and
|
|
impact.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Bomb fusing master safeties on,
|
|
electronic, barometric, time and
|
|
impact.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Fused for ground burst, delay
|
|
factor yellow three.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Fused for ground burst, delay
|
|
factor yellow three.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Bomb fusing circuits one through
|
|
four, test.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Bomb fusing circuits one through
|
|
four, test. Lights on.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Bomb arming test lights on, one
|
|
through four.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Bomb arming test lights on, one
|
|
through four.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Engage primary trigger switch
|
|
override.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Primary trigger switch override,
|
|
engaged.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
59.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Track indicators to maximum
|
|
deflection.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Track indicators to maximum
|
|
deflection.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Detonator set to zero altitude.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Detonator set to zero altitude.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Release first safety.
|
|
|
|
AIRMAN
|
|
First safety released.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
First safety.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Release second safeties.
|
|
|
|
AIRMAN
|
|
Second safety released.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Second safety.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Check bomb door circuits one
|
|
through four.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Ah... bomb door circuits, negative
|
|
function. Lights red.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Switch in backup circuits.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Roger. Backup circuits switched in,
|
|
still negative function.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Engage emergency power.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Roger. Emergency power on. Still
|
|
negative function.
|
|
60.
|
|
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Operate manual override!
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Roger. Ah... still negative
|
|
function. The teleflex drive cable
|
|
must be sheared away.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Fire the explosive bolts!
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Roger. Um... still negative, sir.
|
|
The operating circuits are dead,
|
|
sir.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm
|
|
going down below to see what I can
|
|
do.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger.
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
(to DSO and Bombardier)
|
|
Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm
|
|
goin' to get them doors open if it
|
|
hare lips everybody on Bear Creek.
|
|
(proceeds through hatch
|
|
to bomb bay)
|
|
|
|
Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended
|
|
bomb, and then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with
|
|
his stetson.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target orange grid reference,
|
|
checks. Target distance, eight
|
|
miles.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger, eight miles. Telemetric
|
|
guidance computer into orange grid.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Telemetric guidance computer into
|
|
orange grid.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target distance, seven miles.
|
|
Correct track indicator, minus
|
|
seven.
|
|
61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI
|
|
acceleration factor.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
GPI diversion factor set.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target distance, six miles.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger. Six miles. False ident
|
|
transponder active.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
False ident transponder active.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target distance, five miles.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Five miles. Bundling alignment
|
|
factor zero mode.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Bundling alignment factor to zero
|
|
mode.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target distance, four miles.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into
|
|
manual teleflex link.
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Auto CDC is to manual teleflex
|
|
link.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target distance, three miles.
|
|
|
|
CO-PILOT
|
|
Roger. Three miles.
|
|
|
|
NAVIGATOR
|
|
Target in sight. Where in hell is
|
|
Major Kong?
|
|
|
|
Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes
|
|
and then attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above
|
|
his head. The bomb doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep
|
|
it from blowing away in the sudden slipstream.
|
|
62.
|
|
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo!
|
|
|
|
The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it
|
|
|
|
BOMBARDIER
|
|
Hey, what about Major Kong?
|
|
|
|
KONG
|
|
Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo!
|
|
|
|
Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over
|
|
his head, celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style.
|
|
On reaching the ground, the bomb detonates.
|
|
|
|
CUT TO:
|
|
|
|
|
|
32 INT. WAR ROOM 32
|
|
|
|
Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to
|
|
face the camera.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Mr. President, I would not rule out
|
|
the chance to preserve a nucleus of
|
|
human specimens. It would be quite
|
|
easy... heh heh...
|
|
(rolls forward into the
|
|
light)
|
|
At the bottom of ah... some of our
|
|
deeper mineshafts. The
|
|
radioactivity would never penetrate
|
|
a mine some thousands of feet deep.
|
|
And in a matter of weeks,
|
|
sufficient improvements in dwelling
|
|
space could easily be provided.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
How long would you have to stay
|
|
down there?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Well let's see now ah...
|
|
(searches within his
|
|
lapel)
|
|
... cobalt thorium G...
|
|
(notices circular slide
|
|
rule in his gloved hand)
|
|
... aa... nn... Radioactive
|
|
halflife of uh, ... hmm.. I would
|
|
think that uh... possibly uh... one
|
|
hundred years.
|
|
63.
|
|
|
|
|
|
On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule
|
|
roughly from his gloved hand, and returns it to within his
|
|
jacket.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
You mean, people could actually
|
|
stay down there for a hundred
|
|
years?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
It would not be difficult mein
|
|
Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could,
|
|
heh... I'm sorry. Mr. President.
|
|
Nuclear reactors could provide
|
|
power almost indefinitely.
|
|
Greenhouses could maintain
|
|
plantlife. Animals could be bred
|
|
and slaughtered. A quick survey
|
|
would have to be made of all the
|
|
available mine sites in the
|
|
country. But I would guess... that
|
|
ah, dwelling space for several
|
|
hundred thousands of our people
|
|
could easily be provided.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
Well I... I would hate to have to
|
|
decide.. who stays up and.. who
|
|
goes down.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Well, that would not be necessary
|
|
Mr. President. It could easily be
|
|
accomplished with a computer. And a
|
|
computer could be set and
|
|
programmed to accept factors from
|
|
youth, health, sexual fertility,
|
|
intelligence, and a cross section
|
|
of necessary skills. Of course it
|
|
would be absolutely vital that our
|
|
top government and military men be
|
|
included to foster and impart the
|
|
required principles of leadership
|
|
and tradition.
|
|
|
|
Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Arrrrr!
|
|
(restrains right arm with
|
|
left)
|
|
64.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Naturally, they would breed
|
|
prodigiously, eh? There would
|
|
bemuch time, and little to do. But
|
|
ah with the proper breeding
|
|
techniques and a ratio of say, ten
|
|
females to each male, I would guess
|
|
that they could then work their way
|
|
back to the present gross national
|
|
product within say, twenty years.
|
|
|
|
MUFFLEY
|
|
But look here doctor, wouldn't this
|
|
nucleus of survivors be so grief
|
|
stricken and anguished that they'd,
|
|
well, envy the dead and not want to
|
|
go on living?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
No sir...
|
|
|
|
His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Excuse me.
|
|
|
|
He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it
|
|
with a beating from his left
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Also when... when they go down into
|
|
the mine everyone would still be
|
|
alive. There would be no shocking
|
|
memories, and the prevailing
|
|
emotion will be one of nostalgia
|
|
for those left behind, combined
|
|
with a spirit of bold curiosity for
|
|
the adventure ahead! Ahhhh!
|
|
|
|
Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into
|
|
his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to
|
|
strangle him.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Doctor, you mentioned the ration of
|
|
ten women to each man. Now,
|
|
wouldn't that necessitate the
|
|
abandonment of the so called
|
|
monogamous sexual relationship, I
|
|
mean, as far as men were concerned?
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
65.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Regrettably, yes. But it is, you
|
|
know, a sacrifice required for the
|
|
future of the human race. I hasten
|
|
to add that since each man will be
|
|
required to do prodigious...
|
|
service along these lines, the
|
|
women will have to be selected for
|
|
their sexual characteristics which
|
|
will have to be of a highly
|
|
stimulating nature.
|
|
|
|
DESADESKI
|
|
I must confess, you have an
|
|
astonishingly good idea there,
|
|
Doctor.
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
Thank you, sir.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
(to Muffley)
|
|
I think we should look at this from
|
|
the military point of view. I mean,
|
|
supposing the Russkies stashes away
|
|
some big bomb, see. When they come
|
|
out in a hundred years they could
|
|
take over!
|
|
|
|
DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around
|
|
Strangelove and the President, toward the banquet table.
|
|
|
|
GENERAL
|
|
I agree, Mr. President. In fact,
|
|
they might even try an immediate
|
|
sneak attack so they could take
|
|
over our mineshaft space.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
Yeah. I think it would be extremely
|
|
naive of us, Mr. President, to
|
|
imagine that these new developments
|
|
are going to cause any change in
|
|
Soviet expansionist policy.
|
|
|
|
DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the big
|
|
board with a secret camera within a pocket watch.
|
|
|
|
TURGIDSON
|
|
66.
|
|
|
|
|
|
I mean, we must be... increasingly
|
|
on the alert to prevent them from
|
|
taking over other mineshaft space,
|
|
in order to breed more prodigiously
|
|
than we do, thus, knocking us out
|
|
in superior numbers when we emerge!
|
|
Mr. President, we must not allow...
|
|
a mine shaft gap!
|
|
|
|
STRANGELOVE
|
|
... Sir!
|
|
(stands up out of his
|
|
wheelchair)
|
|
I have a plan. Heh.
|
|
(pauses, realizing that
|
|
he is standing)
|
|
Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!
|
|
|
|
MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS
|
|
|
|
Dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again."
|
|
|
|
FADE OUT
|
|
|
|
THE END
|
|
|