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1.
FADE IN:
SLOW TRACK over dense cloud cover. Rocky peaks visible in
the distance.
NARRATOR
For more than a year, ominous
rumors have been privately
circulating among high level
western leaders, that the Soviet
Union had been at work on what was
darkly hinted to be the ultimate
weapon, a doomsday device.
Intelligence sources traced the
site of the top secret Russian
project to the perpetually fog
shrouded wasteland below the arctic
peaks of the Zokov islands. What
they were building, or why it
should be located in a such a
remote and desolate place, no one
could say.
CUT TO:
ROLL CREDITS
Tracking shot of B-52 in mid-air refuel. Soundtrack lilts
"Try a Little Tenderness." Refueling nozzle gently breaks
away from recieving aircraft.
CUT TO:
1 INT. COMPUTER ROOM – BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT 1
A phone buzzes.
PETTY OFFICER
General Ripper, sir.
MANDRAKE
(to phone on his desk)
Group Captain Mandrake speaking...
Ripper sits at his desk, cigar smoke wafting up through the
light of his desk lamp.
RIPPER
(to phone)
This is General Ripper speaking.
2.
MANDRAKE
Yes, sir.
RIPPER
You recognize my voice, Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
I do sir, why do you ask?
RIPPER
Why do you think I asked?
MANDRAKE
Well I don't know, sir. We spoke
just a few moments ago on the
phone, didn't we?
RIPPER
You don't think I'd ask if you
recognized my voice unless it was
pretty damned important do you,
Mandrake?
MANDRAKE
No, I don't, sir. No.
RIPPER
Alright, let's see if we stay on
the ball. Has the wing confirmed
holding at their failsafe points?
MANDRAKE
Yes, sir. The confirmations have
all just come in.
RIPPER
Very well, now, listen to me
carefully. The base is being put on
condition red. I want this flashed
to all sections immediately.
MANDRAKE
Condition red, sir. Yes. Jolly good
idea, keeps the men on their toes.
RIPPER
Group Captain, I'm afraid this is
not a exercise.
MANDRAKE
Not an exercise, sir?
RIPPER
3.
I shouldn't tell you this,
Mandrake, but you're a good officer
and you have a right to know. It
looks like we're in a shooting war.
MANDRAKE
Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved
sir?
RIPPER
Mandrake, that's all I've been
told. It just came in on the Red
Phone. My orders are for this base
to be sealed tight, and that's what
I mean to do: seal it tight. Now, I
want you to transmit plan R, R for
Robert, to the wing. Plan R for
Robert.
MANDRAKE
Is it that bad sir?
RIPPER
It looks like it's pretty hairy.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Plan R for Robert, sir.
RIPPER
Now, last, and possibly most
important, I want all privately
owned radios to be immediately
impounded.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir.
RIPPER
They might be used to issue
instructions to saboteurs. As I
have previously arranged, Air
Police will have lists of all
owners and I want every single one
of them collected without
exception.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir.
RIPPER
And after you've done that, report
back to me.
4.
Ripper closes the blinds on wall of windows looking out at
the base. Outside, a SIREN SOUNDS.
CUT TO:
2 EXT. AIRBORNE B-52'S 2
With escorts.
NARRATOR
In order to guard against surprise
nuclear attack, America's Strategic
Air Command maintains a large force
of B-52 bombers airborne 24 hours a
day. Each B- 52 can deliver a
nuclear bombload of 50 megatons,
equal to 16 times the total
explosive force of all the bombs
and shells used by all the armies
in World War Two. Based in America,
the Airborne alert force is
deployed from the Persian Gulf to
the Arctic Ocean, but they have one
geographical factor in common: they
are all two hours from their
targets inside Russia.
CUT TO:
3 INT. B-52 3
Machines spring to life as a transmission arrives.
GOLDIE
Major Kong, I know you're gonna
think this a crazy but I just got a
message from base over the CRM 114.
It decodes as Wing Attack plan R. R
for Romeo.
KONG
Goldie, did you say Wing Attack,
plan R?
GOLDIE
Yes Sir, I have.
KONG
Goldie, how many times have I told
you guys that I don't want no
horsin' around on the airplane?
5.
GOLDIE
I'm not horsin' around, sir, that's
how it decodes.
KONG
Well I've been to one world fair a
picnic and a rodeo and that's the
stupidest thing I ever heard come
over a set of earphones. You sure
you got today's code?
GOLDIE
Yes sir, it is.
KONG
Ah, there's just gotta be something
wrong. Wait just a second, I'm
comin' back.
Kong examines the decoded message and the code book.
KONG
Maybe you better get a confirmation
from base.
GOLDIE
Yes sir.
BOMBARDIER
Major Kong, is it possible that
this is some kind of loyalty test.
You know, give the go code and then
recall to see who would actually
go?
KONG
Ain't nobody ever got the go code
yet. And old Ripper wouldn't be
giving us plan R unless them
Russkies had already clobbered
Washington and alot of other towns
with a sneak attack.
BOMBARDIER
Yes sir.
GOLDIE
Major Kong, message from base
confirmed.
KONG
6.
Well boys, I reckon this is it:
nuclear combat, toe to toe with the
Russkies.
Kong climbs back into the cockpit. Soundtrack: Battle Hymn
of the Republic.
KONG
Now look boys, I ain't much of a
hand at makin' speeches. But I got
a pretty fair idea that something
doggoned important's going on back
there. And I got a fair idea of the
kind of personal emotions that some
of you fella's may be thinking.
Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be
human beings if you didn't have
some pretty strong personal
feelings about nuclear combat. But
I want you to remember one thing,
the folks back home is a countin'
on ya, and by golly we ain't about
to let 'em down. Tell you somethin'
else. This thing turns out to be
half as important is I figure it
just might be, I'd say that you're
all in line for some important
promotions and personal citations
when this thing's over with. That
goes for every last one of you,
regardless of your race, color, or
your creed. Now, let's get this
thing on the hump. We got some
flying to do.
CUT TO:
4 INT. GENERAL TURGIDSON'S STUDIO 4
Phone rings.
MISS SCOTT
(shouting)
Buck, should I get it?
TURGIDSON
(muffled)
Yeah. You have to.
MISS SCOTT
(to phone)
7.
Hello? Oh, yes, General Turgidson
is here, but I'm afraid he can't
come to the phone at the moment.
Well, this is his secretary, Miss
Scott.
(softly)
Freddie, how are you? Fine and you?
Oh, we were just catching up on
some of the General's paperwork.
Well, look Freddie, he's very tied
up at the moment. I'm afraid he
can't come to the phone.
(listens)
Well, just a minute.
(shouts to Tuirgidson)
General Turgidson, a General
Puntridge calling.
TURGIDSON
Tell him to call back.
MISS SCOTT
(to phone)
Freddie, the General says could you
call back in a minute or two? Oh.
(shouting)
He says it can't wait.
TURGIDSON
Ah, for Pete... well... Find out
what he wants.
MISS SCOTT
Freddie, the thing is, the General
is in the powder room right now.
Could you tell me what it's about?
Just a second...
(shouting)
Apparently they monitored a
transmission about eight minutes
ago from Burpleson Air Force Base.
(to phone)
Right.
(shouting)
It was directed to the 843'rd bomb
wing on airborne alert.
(to phone)
Yeah.
(shouting)
It decoded as Wing Attack, Plan R.
TURGIDSON
8.
Um ah, tell him to call uh what's
his name. Base commander. Ripper. I
have to think of everything?
MISS SCOTT
(to phone)
The General suggests you call
General Ripper, the 843rd base
commander. Oh.
(shouting)
All communications are dead.
TURGIDSON
Bull! Tell him to do it himself.
MISS SCOTT
Freddie, the General asks if you
could possibly try again yourself.
(listens)
I see.
(shouting)
He says he's tried personally
several times, but everything is
dead. Even the normal phone lines
are shut down.
Turgidson emerges from the bathroom, grumbling.
TURGIDSON
(to phone)
Fred. Buck. What's it look like?
Yeah. Waa... are you sure it's plan
R? Huh. What's cookin' on the
threat board.? Nothin? Nothin at
all? Idon't like the look of this,
Fred. Alright, I tell you what you
better do, old buddy.
(slaps his belly)
You better give Elmo and Charlie a
blast, and bump everything up to
condition red and stand by the
blower, I'll get back to you.
(hangs up)
MISS SCOTT
What's up?
TURGIDSON
Nothing. Nothing. Where's my
shorts?
MISS SCOTT
On the floor. Where are you going?
9.
TURGIDSON
No place. No... no place... I just
thought I might mosey over to the
War room for a few minutes. See
what's doing over there.
MISS SCOTT
It's three o'clock in the morning.
TURGIDSON
(laughs)
The Air Force never sleeps.
MISS SCOTT
Buck, honey... I'm not sleepy
either.
TURGIDSON
I know how it is, baby. Tell you
what you do. You just start your
countdown, and old Bucky'll be back
here before you can say... Blast
Off!
CUT TO:
5 EXT. BURPLESON AFB – NIGHT 5
Ripper's voice booms over the PA. Ready soldiers stand
listening.
RIPPER
10.
Your commie has no regard for human
life, not even his own. And for
this reason, men, I want to impress
upon you the need for extreme
watchfulness. The enemy may come
individually, or he may come in
strength. He may even come in the
uniform of our own troops. But
however he comes we must stop him.
We must not allow him to gain
entrance to this base. Now, I am
going to give you three simple
rules. First, trust no one,
whatever his uniform or rank,
unless he is known to you
personally. Second, anyone or
anything that approaches within 200
yards of the perimeter is to be
fired upon. Third, if in doubt,
shoot first, and ask questions
afterwards. I would sooner accept a
few casualties through accident
than lose the entire base and its
personnel through carelessness. Any
variation on these rules must come
from me personally. Now, men, in
conclusion, I would like to say
that, in the two years it has been
my privilege to be your commanding
officer, I have always expected the
best from you, and you have never
given me anything less than that.
CUT TO:
6 INT. COMPUTER ROOM – INT. BURPLESON AFB 6
Mandrake, who has been closing up shop while listening to
Ripper's speech, discovers a radio inside a line printer
and switches it on. Soft jazz is playing.
RIPPER'S VOICE
Today, the nation is counting on
us. We are not going to let them
down. Good luck to you all.
CUT TO:
7 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 7
Soundtrack: Battle Hymn of the Republic.
11.
AIRMAN
(to Kong)
Here's the attack profile, sir.
KONG
(announcing through
headset intercom)
This is your attack profile: to
insure that the enemy cannot
monitor voice transmission or plant
false transmission, the CRM114 is
to be switched into all the
receivercircuits. Emergency phase
code prefix is to be set on the
dials of the CRM. This'll block any
transmission other than those
preceded by code prefix. Stand by
to set code prefix.
GOLDIE
Roger. Ready to set code prefix.
KONG
Set code prefix.
GOLDIE
(dials up letters)
OPE Code prefix set.
KONG
Lock code prefix.
GOLDIE
Code prefix locked.
KONG
Switch all receiver circuits to CRM
discriminators.
GOLDIE
All circuits switched to CRM
discriminators.
KONG
Check auto destruct circuits.
GOLDIE
Auto destruct circuits checked.
KONG
12.
Primary target, the ICBM complex at
Laputa. Target reference Yankee
Golf Tango Three Six Zero. Thirty
megaton nuclear device fused for
airburst at ten thousand feet.
Twenty megaton nuclear device will
be used if first malfunctions.
Otherwise proceed to secondary
target, missile complex seven miles
east of Barshaw. Target reference
November Bravo X-Ray One Zero
Eight. Fused airburst at ten,
check, twelve thousand feet.
CUT TO:
8 INT. BURPLESON AFB 8
Mandrake walks hurredly through the halls with the portable
radio producing another jazz tune, now upbeat. Mandrake
enters.
9 INT. RIPPER’S OFFICE 9
MANDRAKE
Excuse me sir, something rather
interesting's just cropped up.
Listen to that. Music. Civilian
broadcasting. I think those fellows
in the Pentagon have given us some
sort of exercise to test our
readiness. Personally, I think it's
taking it a bit too far; our
fellows will be inside Russian
radar cover in about twenty
minutes. You listen to that.
Traffic block full of stations all
churning it out.
RIPPER
Mandrake.
MANDRAKE
Yes, sir?
RIPPER
I thought I issued instructions for
all radios on this base to be
impounded.
MANDRAKE
13.
(follows Ripper as he
rises from his chair to
lock his office door)
Well you did indeed sir and I was
in the process of impounding this
very one when I happened to switch
it on. I thought to myself our
fellows hitting Russian radar cover
in twenty minutes, dropping all
their stuff, I'd better tell you,
because if they do, it'll cause a
bit of a stink, won't it?
RIPPER
Group Captain, the officer exchange
program does not give you any
special prerogatives to question my
orders.
MANDRAKE
Well I realize that sir, but I
thought you'd be rather pleased to
hear the news. I mean after all,
well let's face it we...we don't
want to start a nuclear war unless
we really have to, do we?
RIPPER
Please sit down. And turn that
thing off.
MANDRAKE
Yes sir. Ah, what about the planes,
sir? Surely you must issue the
recall code immediately.
RIPPER
Group Captain, the planes are not
going to be recalled. My attack
orders have been issued and the
orders stand.
MANDRAKE
Well, if you'll excuse me saying
so, sir. That would be, to my way
of thinking, rather... well rather
an odd way of looking at it. You
see, if a Russian attack was in
progress we would certainly not be
hearing civilian broadcasting.
RIPPER
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
14.
MANDRAKE
I'm absolutely positive about that,
sir, yes.
RIPPER
And what if it is true?
MANDRAKE
Well I'm afraid I'm still not with
you, sir. Because, I mean, if a
Russian attack was not in progress
then your use of plan R, in fact
your orders to the entire wing...
oh. Well I would say, sir, that
there was something dreadfully
wrong somewhere.
RIPPER
Now, why don't you just take it
easy Group Captain. And please make
me a drink of grain alcohol and
rain water, and help yourself to
whatever you'd like.
MANDRAKE
(salutes)
General Ripper, sir, as an officer
in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is
my clear duty, under the present
circumstances, to issue the recall
code, upon my own authority, and
bring back the wing. If you'll
excuse me sir. Mandrake tries all
exits and finds them locked I'm
afraid sir, I must ask you for the
key and the recall code. Have you
got them handy sir?
RIPPER
I told you to take it easy, Group
Captain. There's nothing anybody
can do about this thing now. I'm
the only person who knows the three
letter code group.
MANDRAKE
(voice cracking)
Then I must insist, sir, that you
give them to me.
Ripper lifts a folder off of his desk and tosses it aside,
revealing a blued, pearl handled .45 automatic.
15.
MANDRAKE
Do I take it, sir, that you are
threatening a brother officer with
a gun?
RIPPER
Mandrake, I suppose it never
occurred to you that while we're
chatting here so enjoyably, a
decision is being made by the
President and the Joint Chiefs in
the war room at the Pentagon. And
when they realize there is no
possibility of recalling the wing,
there will be only one course of
action open: total commitment.
Mandrake, do you recall what
Clemenzo once said about war?
MANDRAKE
No. I don't think I do sir, no.
RIPPER
He said war was to important to be
left to the Generals. When he said
that, fifty years ago, he might
have been right. But today, war is
too important to be left to
politicians. They have neither the
time, the raining, nor the
inclination for strategic thought.
I can no longer sit back and allow
Communist infiltration, Communist
indoctrination, communist
subversion, and the international
Communist conspiracy to sap and
impurify all of our precious bodily
fluids.
CUT TO:
10 INT. WAR ROOM – PENTAGON 10
MUFFLEY
Sam, is everybody here?
STAINS
16.
Mr. President, the Secretary of
State is in Vietnam, the Secretary
of Defense is in Laos, and the Vice
President is in Mexico City. We can
establish contact with them at any
time if it's necessary. The
undersecretaries are all here, of
course.
MUFFLEY
Right. Now, General Turgidson,
what's going on here?
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, about thirty-five
minutes ago, General Jack Ripper,
the commanding General of Burpleson
Air Force Base, issued an order to
the 34 B-52's of his wing which
were airborne at the time as part
of a special exercise we were
holding called Operation Dropkick.
Now, it appears that the order
called for the planes to attack
their targets inside Russia. The
planes are fully armed with nuclear
weapons with an average load of 40
megatons each. Now the central
display of Russia will indicate the
position of the planes. The
triangles are their primary
targets, the squares are their
secondary targets. The aircraft
will begin penetrating Russian
radar cover within 25 minutes.
MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I find this very
difficult to understand. I was
under the impression that I was the
only one in authority to order the
use of nuclear weapons.
TURGIDSON
That's right sir. You are the only
person authorized to do so. And
although I hate to judge before all
the facts are in, it's beginning to
look like General Ripper exceeded
his authority.
MUFFLEY
17.
It certainly does. Far beyond the
point I would have imagined
possible.
TURGIDSON
Well perhaps you're forgetting the
provisions of plan R, sir.
MUFFLEY
Plan R?
TURGIDSON
Plan R is an emergency war plan in
which a lower echelon commander may
order nuclear retaliation after a
sneak attack if the normal chain of
command is disrupted. You approved
it, sir. You must remember. Surely
you must recall, sir, when Senator
Buford made that big hassle about
our deterrent lacking credibility.
The idea was for plan R to be a
sort of retaliatory safeguard.
MUFFLEY
A safeguard.
TURGIDSON
I admit the human element seems to
have failed us here. But the idea
was to discourage the Russkies from
any hope that they could knock out
Washington, and yourself, sir, as
part of a general sneak attack, and
escape retaliation because of lack
of proper command and control.
MUFFLEY
Well I assume then, that the planes
will return automatically once they
reach their failsafe points.
TURGIDSON
Well, sir, I'm afraid not. You see
the planes were holding at their
failsafe points when the go code
was issued. Now, once they fly
beyond failsafe they do not require
a second order to proceed. They
will fly until they reach their
targets.
MUFFLEY
18.
Then why haven't you radioed the
planes countermanding the go code?
TURGIDSON
Well, I'm afraid we're unable to
communicate with any of the
aircraft.
MUFFLEY
Why?
TURGIDSON
As you may recall, sir, one of the
provisions of plan R provides that
once the go code is received the
normal SSB radios in the aircraft
are switched into a special coded
device, which I believe is
designated as CRM114. Now, in order
to prevent the enemy from issuing
fake or confusing orders, CRM114 is
designed not to receive at all,
unless the message is preceded by
the correct three letter code group
prefix.
MUFFLEY
Then do you mean to tell me,
General Turgidson, that you will be
unable to recall the aircraft?
TURGIDSON
That's about the size of it.
However, we are plowing through
every possible three letter
combination of the code. But since
there are seventeen thousand
permutations it's going to take us
about two and a half days to
transmit them all.
MUFFLEY
How soon did you say the planes
would penetrate Russian radar
cover?
TURGIDSON
About eighteen minutes from now,
sir.
MUFFLEY
Are you in contact with General
Ripper?
19.
TURGIDSON
Ah... No sir, no, General Ripper
sealed off the base and cut off all
communications.
MUFFLEY
Where did you get all this
information?
TURGIDSON
General Ripper called Strategic Air
Command headquarters shortly after
he issued the go code. I have a
partial transcript of that
conversation if you'd like me to
read it.
MUFFLEY
Read it.
TURGIDSON
The duty officer asked General
Ripper to confirm the fact the he
had issued the go code and he said,
"Yes gentlemen, they are on their
way in and no one can bring them
back. For the sake of our country
and our way of life, I suggest you
get the rest of SAC in after them,
otherwise we will be totally
destroyed by red retaliation. My
boys will give you the best kind of
start, fourteen hundred megatons
worth, and you sure as hell won't
stop them now. So let's get going.
There's no other choice. God
willing, we will prevail in peace
and freedom from fear and in true
health through the purity and
essence of our natural fluids. God
bless you all." Then he hung up.
We're still trying to figure out
the meaning of that last phrase,
sir.
MUFFLEY
There's nothing to figure out
General Turgidson. This man is
obviously a psychotic.
TURGIDSON
20.
Well, I'd like to hold off judgment
on a thing like that, sir, until
all the facts are in.
MUFFLEY
(anger rising)
General Turgidson, when you
instituted the human reliability
tests, you assured me there was no
possibility of such a thing ever
occurring.
TURGIDSON
Well I don't think it's quite fair
to condemn a whole program because
of a single slip up sir.
MUFFLEY
I want to speak to General Ripper
on the telephone, personally.
TURGIDSON
I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I am becoming
less and less interested in your
estimates of what is possible and
impossible. General Faceman.
FACEMAN
Yes, sir.
MUFFLEY
Are there any army units stationed
anywhere near Burpleson?
FACEMAN
Well ah, I'll just check, sir.
Turgidson's phone beeps.
TURGIDSON
Hello.
(pause, then whispering)
I told you never to call me here;
don't you know where I am?
(pause)
Well look, baby, I can't talk to
you now. My president needs me. Of
course Bucky would rather be there
with you.
(pause)
21.
Of course it isn't only physical. I
deeply respect you as a human
being. Someday I'm going to make
you Mrs. Buck Turgidson.
(pause)
Listen, you go back to sleep.
Bucky'll be back there just as soon
as he can. Alright. Listen, sug',
don't forget to say your prayers.
(hangs up and composes
himself)
FACEMAN
Apparently, the 23rd airborne
division is stationed seven miles
away at Alvarado.
MUFFLEY
General Faceman, I want them to
enter the base, locate General
Ripper, and put him in immediate
telephone contact with me.
FACEMAN
Yes, sir.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, if I may advise,
under condition red it is standard
procedure that the base be sealed
off, and the base be defended by
base security troops. Any force
trying to enter there would
certainly encounter very heavy
casualties.
FACEMAN
General Turgidson, with all due
respect for your defense team, my
boys can brush 'em aside without
too much trouble.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, there are one or two
points I'd like to make, if I may.
MUFFLEY
Go ahead, General.
TURGIDSON
22.
One, our hopes for recalling the
843rd bomb wing are quickly being
reduced to a very low order of
probability. Two, in less than
fifteen minutes from now the
Russkies will be making radar
contact with the planes. Three,
when they do, they are going to go
absolutely ape, and they're gonna
strike back with everything they've
got. Four, if prior to this time,
we have done nothing further to
suppress their retaliatory
capabilities, we will suffer
virtual annihilation. Now, five, if
on the other hand, we were to
immediately launch an all out and
coordinated attack on all their
airfields and missile bases we'd
stand a damn good chance of
catching 'em with their pants down.
Hell, we got a five to one missile
superiority as it is. We could
easily assign three missiles to
every target, and still have a very
effective reserve force for any
other contingency. Now, six, an
unofficial study which we undertook
of this eventuality, indicated that
we would destroy ninety percent of
their nuclear capabilities. We
would therefore prevail, and suffer
only modest and acceptable civilian
casualties from their remaining
force which would be badly damaged
and uncoordinated.
MUFFLEY
General, it is the avowed policy of
our country never to strike first
with nuclear weapons.
TURGIDSON
Well, Mr. President, I would say
that General Ripper has already
invalidated that policy.
(laughs)
MUFFLEY
That was not an act of national
policy and there are still
alternatives left open to us.
23.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, we are rapidly
approaching a moment of truth both
for ourselves as human beings and
for the life of our nation. Now,
the truth is not always a pleasant
thing, but it is necessary now make
a choice, to choose between two
admittedly regrettable, but
nevertheless, distinguishable post-
war environments: one where you got
twenty million people killed, and
the other where you got a hundred
and fifty million people killed.
MUFFLEY
You're talking about mass murder,
General, not war.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, I'm not saying we
wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I
do say... no more than ten to
twenty million killed, tops. Uh...
depended on the breaks.
MUFFLEY
I will not go down in history as
the greatest mass murderer since
Adolph Hitler!
TURGIDSON
Perhaps it might be better, Mr.
President, if you were more
concerned with the American people,
than with your image in the history
books.
MUFFLEY
General Turgidson, I think I've
heard quite sufficient from you,
thank you very much!
STAINS
Mr. President, they have the
ambassador waiting upstairs.
MUFFLEY
Oh, good. Any difficulty?
STAINS
They say he's having a fit about
that squad of MPs.
24.
MUFFLEY
Yes, that can't be helped. Have him
brought down here straight away.
STAINS
Yes, sir.
TURGIDSON
Is that the Russian Ambassador
you're talking about?
MUFFLEY
Yes, it is, General.
TURGIDSON
Ahh, am I to understand the Russian
Ambassador is to be admitted
entrance to the War Room?
MUFFLEY
That is correct. He is here on my
orders.
TURGIDSON
I don't know exactly how to put
this, sir, but are you aware of
what a serious breach of security
that would be? I mean...
(begins closing his
notebooks)
... he'll see everything. He'll see
the big board!
MUFFLEY
That is precisely the idea,
General. That is precisely the
idea. Stains, get Premier Kissov on
the Hotline.
CUT TO:
11 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 11
KONG
25.
Survival Kit contents check. In
them you will find: one 45 caliber
automatic, two boxes of ammunition,
four days concentrated emergency
rations, one drug issue containing
antibiotics, morphine, vitamin
pills, pep pills, sleeping pills,
tranquilizer pills, one miniature
combination Rooshan phrase book and
Bible, one hundred dollars in
rubles, one hundred dollars in
gold, nine packs of chewing gum,
one issue of prophylactics, three
lipsticks, three pair of nylon
stockings – shoot, a fellah could
have a pretty good weekend in Vegas
with all that stuff....
CUT TO:
12 INT. WAR ROOM 12
DeSadeski enters in a great coat, finishes the contents of
a drinking glass, and places the glass on a banquet table
covered with an ornate array of meats, breads, and pies.
DESADESKI
You don't have any fresh fish?
AIDE
I'm afraid not sir.
DESADESKI
Your eggs, then, they are fresh?
AIDE
Oh, yes, sir.
DESADESKI
I will have poached eggs. And bring
me some cigars, please. Havana
cigars.
AIDE
That will be all for you sir?
DESADESKI
Yes.
AIDE
Then I'll see to it right away.
26.
GENERAL
Try one of these Jamaican cigars,
ambassador, they're pretty good.
DESADESKI
Thank you, no. I do not support the
work of imperialist stooges.
GENERAL
Oh, only commie stooges, huh?
TURGIDSON
(whispers, clutching his
notebooks to his chest)
Mr. President, you gonna let that
lousy commie punk vomit all over us
like this?
STAINS
Mr. President, we haven't been able
to reach Premier Kissov in the
Kremlin. They say they don't know
where he is, and he won't be back
for another two hours.
DESADESKI
Try B86543 Moscow.
STAINS
Yes, sir.
DESADESKI
You would never have found him
through his office, Mr. President.
Our Premier is a man of the people,
but he is also... a man, if you
follow my meaning.
MUFFLEY
(laughs)
Fine.
Turgidson mutters to a seated General.
DESADESKI
What did you say?
TURGIDSON
I said, Premier Kissov is a
degenerate atheist commie! That's
what I said.
DESADESKI
27.
Mr. President, I formally request
that you have this ignorant fool
removed from the war room.
DeSadeski, Muffley, and Turgidson form a triangular spat,
each waving a pointed finger at another.
STAINS
(interrupts argument)
I think they're trying the number.
TRACK ON Muffley as he walks towards Stains. A struggle
begins between DeSadeski and Turgidson.
MUFFLEY
(to Turgidson and
DeSadeski who is on
Turgidson's lap)
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here.
This is the War Room! What is going
on here? I demand an explanation.
DESADESKI
This clumsy fool tried to plant
that ridiculous camera on me.
TURGIDSON
Yeah, you bet your sweets, Mr.
Commie. Look at this, Mr.
President. This lousy commie rat
was taking pictures with this
thing. Of the big board!
MUFFLEY
Mr. Ambassador!
DESADESKI
This clumsy fool attempted to plant
that ridiculous camera on me.
TURGIDSON
That's a damn lie! I saw him, with
my own eyes!
MUFFLEY
Gentlemen, this is outrageous. I
have never heard of such behavior
in the war room before.
STAINS
Mr. President, I think they're
getting him on the line.
28.
CUT TO:
13 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 13
The attack begins.
SOLDIER #1
You sure gotta hand it to those
commies.
SOLDIER #2
Yeah.
SOLDIER #3
Gee, those trucks look like the
real thing, don't they?
SOLDIER #2
I wonder where they got 'em from.
SOLDIER #3
Probably bought them from the army
as war surplus.
SOLDIER #1
OK. Open up at 200 yards.
Firefight begins
CUT TO:
14 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 14
Ripper and Mandrake listen to the fighting in silence.
CUT TO:
15 INT. WAR ROOM 15
MUFFLEY
Tell him where you are, and that
you'll enter the conversation if I
say anything that's untrue, but
please don't tell him anything more
than that. Alexiy, Alexiy,
please... I beg you.
DESADESKI
I don't have a phone.
29.
MUFFLEY
(snaps fingers)
Give him your phone, Frank.
DESADESKI
Govorit DeSadeski.
(continues in Russian,
then...)
I've done as you asked. Be careful
Mr. President. I think he's drunk.
MUFFLEY
Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I
can't hear too well, do you suppose
you could turn the music down just
a little? Oh, that's much better.
Yes. Fine, I can hear you now,
Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming
through fine. I'm coming through
fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then
as you say we're both coming
through fine. Good. Well it's good
that you're fine and I'm fine. I
agree with you. It's great to be
fine.
(laughs)
Now then Dimitri. You know how
we've always talked about the
possibility of something going
wrong with the bomb. The bomb,
Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well
now what happened is, one of our
base commanders, he had a sort of,
well he went a little funny in the
head. You know. Just a little...
funny. And uh, he went and did a
silly thing.
(listens)
Well, I'll tell you what he did, he
ordered his planes... to attack
your country.
(listens)
Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me
finish, Dimitri.
(listens)
Well, listen, how do you think I
feel about it? Can you imagine how
I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do
you think I'm calling you? Just to
say hello?
(listens)
30.
Of course I like to speak to you.
Of course I like to say hello. Not
now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm
just calling up to tell you
something terrible has happened.
(listens)
It's a friendly call. Of course
it's a friendly call. Listen, if it
wasn't friendly, ... you probably
wouldn't have even got it. They
will not reach their targets for at
least another hour.
(listens)
I am... I am positive, Dimitri.
Listen, I've been all over this
with your ambassador. It is not a
trick.
(listens)
Well I'll tell you. We'd like to
give your air staff a complete run
down on the targets, the flight
plans, and the defensive systems of
the planes.
(listens)
Yes! I mean, if we're unable to
recall the planes, then I'd say
that, uh, well, we're just going to
have to help you destroy them,
Dimitri.
(listens)
I know they're our boys.
(listens)
Alright, well, listen... who should
we call?
(listens)
Who should we call, Dimitri?
(listens)
The people...? Sorry, you faded
away there.
(listens)
The People's Central Air Defense
Headquarters. Where is that,
Dimitri?
(listens)
In Omsk. Right. Yes.
(listens)
Oh, you'll call them first, will
you?
(listens)
Uh-huh. Listen, do you happen to
have the phone number on you,
Dimitri?
(listens)
31.
What? I see, just ask for Omsk
Information. I'm sorry too,
Dimitri. I'm very sorry.
(listens)
Alright! You're sorrier than I am!
But I am sorry as well. I am as
sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't
say that you are more sorry than I
am, because I am capable of being
just as sorry as you are. So we're
both sorry, alright?
(listens)
Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes,
he wants to talk to you. Just a
second.
DESADESKI
(continues in Russian.
Gradually becomes
alarmed, then...)
Das voydaniya...
(rests phone on the table
before him)
MUFFLEY
What... what is it, what?
DESADESKI
The fools... the mad fools.
MUFFLEY
What's happened?
DESADESKI
The doomsday machine.
MUFFLEY
The doomsday machine? What is that?
DESADESKI
A device which will destroy all
human and animal life on earth.
MUFFLEY
All human and animal life?
CUT TO:
16 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 16
Mandrake is sitting worriedly on a couch. Ripper puts a
comforting arm around his shoulder.
32.
RIPPER
(through his cigar)
Mandrake.
MANDRAKE
Yes, Jack?
RIPPER
Have you ever seen a commie drink a
glass of water?
MANDRAKE
Well, no I... I can't say I have,
Jack.
RIPPER
Vodka. That's what they drink,
isn't it? Never water?
MANDRAKE
Well I... I believe that's what
they drink, Jack. Yes.
RIPPER
On no account will a commie ever
drink water, and not without good
reason.
MANDRAKE
Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see
what you're getting at, Jack.
RIPPER
Water. That's what I'm getting at.
Water. Mandrake, water is the
source of all life. Seven tenths of
this earth's surface is water. Why,
you realize that.. seventy percent
of you is water.
MANDRAKE
Uhhh God...
RIPPER
And as human beings, you and I need
fresh, pure water to replenish our
precious bodily fluids.
MANDRAKE
Yes.
(chuckles nervously)
RIPPER
33.
You beginning to understand?
MANDRAKE
Yes.
(chuckles – begins
laughing/crying quietly)
RIPPER
Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never
wondered why I drink only distilled
water, or rain water, and only pure
grain alcohol?
MANDRAKE
Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
RIPPER
Have you ever heard of a thing
called fluoridation? Fluoridation
of water?
MANDRAKE
Ah, yes, I have heard of that,
Jack. Yes.
RIPPER
Well do you now what it is?
MANDRAKE
No. No, I don't know what it is.
No.
RIPPER
Do you realize that fluoridation is
the most monstrously conceived and
dangerous communist plot we have
ever had to face?
Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons
fire.
RIPPER
(walks to window and
shouts)
Two can play at this game soldier!
More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the
overhead desk lamp.
RIPPER
That's nice shooting, soldier!
34.
Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his
closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear
with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.
RIPPER
Mandrake! Come here!
MANDRAKE
You calling me, Jack?
RIPPER
Just come over here and help me
with this belt.
MANDRAKE
(prone on couch)
I ah, I haven't had very much
experience, you know, with those...
sort of machines, Jack. I only ever
pressed a button in my old
Spitfire.
RIPPER
Mandrake, in the name of Her
Majesty and the Continental
Congress come here and feed me this
belt, boy!
MANDRAKE
Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's
happened, you see, is the string in
my leg's gone.
RIPPER
The what?
MANDRAKE
The string. I never told you, but,
you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh
dear. Gone. Shot off.
Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.
RIPPER
Mandrake, come over here. The Red
Coats are coming. Come on!
CUT TO:
17 INT. WAR ROOM 17
DESADESKI
35.
When it is detonated, it will
produce enough lethal radioactive
fallout so that within ten months,
the surface of the earth will be as
dead as the moon!
TURGIDSON
Ah, come on DeSadeski, that's
ridiculous. Our studies show that
even the worst fallout is down to a
safe level after two weeks.
DESADESKI
You've obviously never heard of
cobalt thorium G.
TURGIDSON
No, what about it?
DESADESKI
Cobalt thorium G has a radioactive
halflife of ninety three years. If
you take, say, fifty H-bombs in the
hundred megaton range and jacket
them with cobalt thorium G, when
they are exploded they will produce
a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud
of radioactivity which will
encircle the earth for ninety three
years!
TURGIDSON
Ah, what a load of commie bull. I
mean, afterall...
MUFFLEY
I'm afraid I don't understand
something, Alexiy. Is the Premier
threatening to explode this if our
planes carry out their attack?
DESADESKI
No sir. It is not a thing a sane
man would do. The doomsday machine
is designed to to trigger itself
automatically.
MUFFLEY
But surely you can disarm it
somehow.
DESADESKI
36.
No. It is designed to explode if
any attempt is ever made to
untrigger it.
MUFFLEY
Automatically?
TURGIDSON
Ahh.. it's an obvious commie trick,
Mr. President.
(walks backwards towards
the big board)
We're wasting valuable time.
(falls over backwards and
does a somersault, and
brings himself back onto
his feet)
Look at the big board! They're
getting ready to clobber us!
MUFFLEY
But this is absolute madness,
ambassador. Why should you build
such a thing?
DESADESKI
There are those of us who fought
against it, but in the end we could
not keep up with the expense
involved in the arms race, the
space race, and the peace race. And
at the same time our people
grumbled for more nylons and
washing machines. Our doomsday
scheme cost us just a small
fraction of what we'd been spending
on defense in a single year. But
the deciding factor was when we
learned that your country was
working along similar lines, and we
were afraid of a doomsday gap.
MUFFLEY
This is preposterous. I've never
approved of anything like that.
DESADESKI
Our source was the New York Times.
MUFFLEY
Dr. Strangelove, do we have
anything like that in the works?
37.
Stains and Turgidson, who have been listening to Muffley
and DeSadeski Stains' station at the round table, slowly
turn their heads in search of Strangelove.
STRANGELOVE
(in wheelchair)
A moment please, Mr. President.
Stomps one foot on the tile floor, pushes back from the
table and begins wheeling towards the discussion between
Muffley and DeSadeski.
STRANGELOVE
Under the authority granted me as
director of weapons research and
development, I commissioned last
year a study of this project by the
Bland corporation. Based on the
findings of the report, my
conclusion was that this idea was
not a practical deterrent, for
reasons which, at this moment, must
be all too obvious.
MUFFLEY
Then you mean it is possible for
them to have built such a thing?
Strangelove carefully plucks cigarette from his shaking
right hand, which is in a black glove.
STRANGELOVE
Mr. President, the technology
required is easily within the means
of even the smallest nuclear power.
It requires only the will to do so.
MUFFLEY
But, how is it possible for this
thing to be triggered
automatically, and at the same time
impossible to untrigger?
STRANGELOVE
38.
Mr. President, it is not only
possible, it is essential. That is
the whole idea of this machine, you
know. Deterrence is the art of
producing in the mind of the
enemy... the fear to attack. And
so, because of the automated and
irrevocable decision making process
which rules out human meddling, the
doomsday machine is terrifying.
It's simple to understand. And
completely credible, and
convincing.
TURGIDSON
Gee, I wish we had one of them
doomsday machines, Stainsy.
MUFFLEY
But this is fantastic, Strangelove.
How can it be triggered
automatically?
STRANGELOVE
Well, it's remarkably simple to do
that. When you merely wish to bury
bombs, there is no limit to the
size. After that they are connected
to a gigantic complex of computers.
Now then, a specific and clearly
defined set of circumstances, under
which the bombs are to be exploded,
is programmed into a tape memory
bank.
TURGIDSON
Strangelove. What kind of a name is
that? That ain't no kraut name, is
it, Stainsy?
STAINS
He changed it when he became a
citizen. It used to be
Merkwurkdigliebe.
TURGIDSON
Hmm. A kraut, by any other name,
huh, Stainsy?
STRANGELOVE
39.
Yes, but the... whole point of the
doomsday machine... is lost... if
you keep it a secret! Why didn't
you tell the world, eh?
DESADESKI
It was to be announced at the Party
Congress on Monday. As you know,
the Premier loves surprises.
CUT TO:
18 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 18
Firefight continues.
CUT TO:
19 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 19
Bullets cut down picture frames behind the desk. Ripper,
standing, shoots back at unseen machinegunner. Mandrake is
now crouching by his side.
RIPPER
Stay with me Mandrake. Ripper and
Mandrake crawl to one side of desk.
Alright, Mandrake, now feed me.
Feed me.
Ripper stands and exchanges fire with attacking troops.
Enemy fire subsides.
MANDRAKE
(laughs)
Jack, don't you think we'd be
better off in some other part of
the room, away from all this flying
glass?
RIPPER
Ah, naah. We're ok here. Mandrake,
do you realize that in addition to
fluoridated water, why, there are
studies underway to fluoridate
salt, flour, fruit juices, soup,
sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream,
Mandrake. Children's ice cream?
MANDRAKE
Good Lord.
40.
RIPPER
You know when fluoridation first
began?
MANDRAKE
No. No, I don't, Jack. No.
RIPPER
Nineteen hundred and forty six.
Nineteen fortysix, Mandrake. How
does that coincide with your
postwar commie conspiracy, huh?
It's incredibly obvious, isn't it?
A foreign substance is introduced
into our precious bodily fluids
without the knowledge of the
individual, and certainly without
any choice. That's the way your
hard core commie works.
MANDRAKE
Jack... Jack, listen, tell me,
ah... when did you first become,
well, develop this theory.
RIPPER
Well, I ah, I I first became aware
of it, Mandrake, during the
physical act of love.
Mandrake sighs fearfully.
RIPPER
Yes a profound sense of fatigue, a
feeling of emptiness followed.
Luckily I was able to interpret
these feelings correctly: loss of
essence.
MANDRAKE
Yes...
RIPPER
I can assure you it has not
recurred, Mandrake. Women... women
sense my power, and they seek the
life essence. I do not avoid women,
Mandrake, but I do deny them my
essence.
MANDRAKE
Heh heh... yes.
41.
CUT TO:
20 EXT. BURPLESON AFB 20
Firefight settles into a surrender of Ripper's defending
troops.
CUT TO:
21 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE 21
RIPPER
Boys must have surrendered.
MANDRAKE
It's the way it is. Heh heh. Now
Jack, listen. While there's still
time, I beg you, let's recall the
wing.
Ripper struts over to an available chair, using machinegun
as a walking stick, kicking debris en route. Sits.
RIPPER
Those boys were like my children,
Mandrake. Now they let me down.
MANDRAKE
No no, Jack. Not a bit of it. No,
I'm sure they all gave you their
very best. And I'm equally sure
they all died thinking of you,
every man jack of them, heh, Jack.
Supposing a bit of water has gone
off, eh? And certainly one can
never be too sure about those sort
of things. Would you look at me
now. Do I look all rancid and
clotted? You look at me, Jack, eh?
Look, eh? And I drink a lot of
water, you know. I'm what you might
call a water man, Jack. That's what
I am. And I can swear to you, my
boy, swear to you, that there's
nothing wrong with my bodily
fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
RIPPER
Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner
of war?
42.
MANDRAKE
Well, Jack, the time's running...
very... huh?
RIPPER
Were you ever a prisoner of war?
MANDRAKE
Ah yes I was. Matter of fact, Jack,
I was.
RIPPER
Did they torture you?
MANDRAKE
Ah... yes, they did. I was tortured
by the Japanese, Jack, if you must
know. Not a pretty story.
RIPPER
Well what happened?
MANDRAKE
Oh... well... I don't know, Jack.
Difficult to think of under these
conditions. But, well, what
happened was they got me on the old
Rangoon HNRR railway. I was laying
train mines for the bloody Japanese
puff puffs.
RIPPER
No, I mean when they tortured you,
did you talk?
MANDRAKE
Ah, oh no, I ah... I don't think
they wanted me to talk, really. I
don't think they wanted me to say
anything. It was just their way of
having... a bit of fun, the swines.
Strange thing is they make such
bloody good cameras.
RIPPER
You know those clowns outside are
gonna give me a pretty good going
over in a few minutes. For the
code.
MANDRAKE
43.
Yes. does a double take Yes, well
you may have... you may have quite
a point there, Jack.
RIPPER
I don't know how well I could stand
up under torture.
MANDRAKE
Well of course the answer to that
is, boy, no one ever does. And my
advice to you, Jack, is to give me
the code now. And if those devils
come back and try any rough stuff,
we'll fight them together, boy,
like we did just now, on the floor,
eh? You with the old gun, and me
with the belt and the ammo, feeding
you, Jack! Feed me, you said, and I
was feeding you, Jack.
(pats Ripper on the
shoulder)
RIPPER
No, Mandrake. I happen to believe
in a life after this one, and I
know I'll have to answer for what
I've done. And I think I can.
MANDRAKE
Yes, well of course you can, Jack,
of course you can. You can! I'm a
religious man, myself, you know,
Jack. I believe in all that sort of
thing, and... I'm hoping, you know,
Jack.
Rises to follow Ripper, who is walking despondently about
the room, dragging the 50 cal. which he lets fall.
MANDRAKE
You dropped your gun, Jack, yes...
(picks up the machine gun
and carries it)
... you know what I'm...
(Ripper begins removing
his jacket here)
... no, Jack. Let me take that for
you. I'll take that for you, Jack.
(takes Ripper's jacket
and drapes it over the
gun)
44.
And, ah, you know what I'm hoping,
Jack? I'm hoping you're going to
give me the code, boy. That's what
I'm hoping. And, oh...
(Ripper enters the
washroom)
oh, you're going have a little wash
and brush up, are you? What a good
idea. Always did wonders for a man,
that, Jack. A little wash and brush
up. Water on the back of the neck,
and... makes you feel marvelous.
That's what we need, Jack! Water on
the back of the neck and the code.
Now, ... now supposing I play a
little guessing game with you,
Jack, boy.
(Ripper shuts washroom
door)
I'll try and guess... I'll try and
guess what the code is...
A gun shot rings out from within the washroom – Mandrake
gapes at the closed door, drops the machine gun, and pushes
on the door, which is blocked after opening a few inches.
CUT TO:
22 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 22
CO-PILOT
Co-pilot to navigator, I'm ready
with the fuel figures now. We have
one hundred and nine thousand
total, seventy nine thousand in the
mains, and thirty thousand in the
auxiliaries. And that works out to
roughly seven hours fifteen minutes
endurance for this time.
DSO
DSO to Captain, I have an
unidentified radar blip. Distance:
60 miles. Approximate speed: mach
three. Looks like a missile
tracking us! Confirmed, definite
missile track. Commence evasive
action right. Missile still closing
range; distance: 50 miles. Continue
evasive action.
CO-PILOT
45.
Lock ECM to target intercept mode.
DSO ECM locked to target intercept mode. Missile still
tracking and closing distance. Range: 40 miles. Continue
evasive action. Electronic guidance scrambler to blue grid.
Missile still tracking steady and closing distance. Range:
30 miles. Missile still closing true and steady. Continue
evasive action. Range: 20 miles. Missile still closing
distance... and tracking steady.
CO-PILOT
Evac range gate on maximum scan.
DSO
Range gate on maximum scan. Range:
10 miles. Missile track deflecting.
Continue evasive action. Deflection
increasing; range: 8 miles.
Deflection still increasing; range:
6 miles. Missile still deflecting;
range: 4 miles. Range: 2 miles;
missile still deflecting. Range:
one mile; missile detonated!
DISTORTED VOICES AUDIBLE through headset intercom. Kong is
jolted as shock wave hits the plane. Crew scrambles to
attend to fires, regain control of aircraft.
KONG
Spot lever to cutoff... reselect to
central power... Extinguishers...
Transfer switches... boost pumps
up. Fuel valves three four and six.
Give me full power.
Aircraft returns to straight and level; under control.
CUT TO:
23 INT. RIPPER'S OFFICE – BURPLESON AFB 23
Mandrake examines a notepad on Ripper's desk. It is covered
with doodles and an interlocking pattern of the words Peace
On Earth, and Purity Of Essence.
MANDRAKE
Peace on Earth. Peace on Earth.
Peace on Earth: P O E. Purity of
essence. O P O E.
(whispers)
O P E.
46.
Shots ring out as the doorlock is destroyed, and the door
to the office opens. Enter Bat Guano, brandishing an M-1
carbine.
GUANO
Put your hands over your head.
MANDRAKE
What the devil do you think you're
doing, shooting your way in here?
Who are you?
GUANO
I said, put your hands over your
head. What kind of suit you call
that, fellah?
MANDRAKE
What do you mean, suit? This
happens to be an R. A. F. uniform,
sir. And I am Group Captain Lionel
Mandrake. I am General Ripper's
Executive Officer.
GUANO
Where's General Ripper?
MANDRAKE
He's dead, in the bathroom.
GUANO
Where's the bathroom?
MANDRAKE
Next to you.
Guano peers around bathroom door and whistles in
exclamation.
MANDRAKE
Look, I don't know what sort of
stupid game this is you're playing,
but I've got a very good idea what
the recall code is and I have to
get in touch with SAC headquarters
immediately.
GUANO
I said put your hands over your
head and keep 'em there. Got any
witnesses?
MANDRAKE
47.
Witnesses? What are you talking
about, witnesses? He shot himself!
GUANO
While he was shaving, huh?
MANDRAKE
Now look, Colonel... Bat Guano, if
that really is your name, may I
tell you that I have a very, very
good idea, I think, I hope, I pray,
what the recall code is. It's some
sort of recurrent theme he kept
repeating. It's a variation on
Peace on Earth or Purity of
Essence. E O P. O P E. It's one of
those!
GUANO
Put your hands up on top of your
head. Start walking.
MANDRAKE
Don't you know that General Ripper
went as mad as a bloody march hare
and sent the while wing to attack
the Soviets? Don't you know that?
GUANO
What are you talking about?
MANDRAKE
I'll tell you what I'm talking
about. I'm going to pick up this
red telephone which is connected to
SAC. And I hope... blast. Blast!
Shot away, I expect by one of your
men during this ridiculous
fighting! picks up another phone
Right.
(glances down to
discover)
this phone has no cord at all)
GUANO
Alright, Charlie, I been wasting
too much time on you. I got a lot
of wounded men outside. Start
walking.
CUT TO:
48.
24 INT. B-52 24
Goldie is examining the damage to the radios.
GOLDIE
All the radio gear is out,
including the CRM-114. I think the
auto-destruct mechanism got hit and
blew itself up.
BOMBARDIER
The fire is out. Emergency power is
on. Everything seems to check out
alright. Will advise.
KONG
Roger. Navigator...
NAVIGATOR
I've worked out our rate of fuel
loss at approximately one six two
per minute. This gives us a radius
of action sufficient to take out
primary and secondary targets. But
we will not, repeat, not be able to
make it back to any base or neutral
country. However we would have
enough fuel to ditch at weather
ship tango delta: grid coordinates
zero zero three six nine one.
KONG
Now, boys, we got three engines
out; we got more holes in us than a
horse trader's mule, the radio's
gone and we're leaking fuel, and if
we's flying any lower, why, we'd
need sleigh bells on this thing.
But we got one little budge on them
russkies, at this this height, why,
they might harpoon us but they dang
sure ain't gonna spot us on no
radar screen.
CUT TO:
25 INT. HALLWAY – BURPLESON AFB 25
Guano is marching Mandrake out of Ripper's office at
gunpoint.
GUANO
49.
The other way.
MANDRAKE
Where are you taking me?
GUANO
The main gate.
MANDRAKE
Colonel! Colonel, I must know what
you think has been going on here!
GUANO
You wanna know what I think?
MANDRAKE
Yes.
GUANO
I think you're some kind of
deviated prevert. And I think
General Ripper found out about your
preversion, and that you were
organizing some kind of mutiny of
preverts. Now, move!
Mandrake replaces hands on head and begins walking.
GUANO
On top of that I don't know
anything about any planes attacking
Russia. All I was told to do was
get General Ripper on the phone to
the President of the United States.
MANDRAKE
Now just one second. You just
said... the President.
GUANO
What about the President?
MANDRAKE
Now, the president wants to speak
to General Ripper, doesn't he? Now,
General Ripper is dead, is he not?
I am General Ripper's executive
officer, so the president will
bloody well want to speak to me,
won't he? There's a telephone box
over there, and the line may be
open.
50.
GUANO
You want to talk to the president
of the United States?
MANDRAKE
I don't want to talk to him,
Colonel, I've got to talk to him.
And I can assure you, if you don't
put that gun away and stop this
stupid nonsense, the court of
inquiry on this'll give you such a
pranging, you'll be lucky if you
end up wearing the uniform of a
bloody toilet attendant!
GUANO
OK. Go ahead. Try and get the
President of the United States on
the phone.
Mandrake enters phone booth and closes the door. Guano
pushes it back open.
GUANO
If you try any preversions in there
I'll blow your head off.
Mandrake places coins in the slot and dials.
MANDRAKE
Operator? This is Group Captain
Lionel Mandrake, I'm speaking from
Burpleson Air Force Base. Look,
something very urgent has come up
and I want you to place an
emergency person to person call
with President Merkin Muffley in
the Pentagon, Washington D.C.
Aaaa... Burpleson3-9180. No, I'm
perfectly serious, operator, the
President, yes the President of the
United States. I'm sorry, I haven't
got enough change. Um, could you...
could you make this a collect call,
operator?
Mandrake waits on the call to be placed while Guano looks
on.
MANDRAKE
Just one second, operator.
(to Guano)
51.
They won't accept the call. Have
you got fifty-five cents?
GUANO
Well, you don't think I'd go into
combat with loose change in my
pocket, do you?
MANDRAKE
Operator, look, ah... is it
possible to make this an
ordinary... ordinary trunk call?
Well, what do you call it... you
know, ah...
(raps on phone box with
knuckles)
... oh, ah... station to station.
(counts change in his
palm)
Oh, blast. Still twenty cents
short. Operator, hold on one...
ah... I shan't keep you a second.
(to Guano)
Colonel, that Coca-Cola machine, I
want you to shoot the lock off it.
There may be some change in there.
GUANO
That's private property.
MANDRAKE
(exasperated)
Colonel, can you possibly imagine
what is going to happen to you,
your frame, outlook, way of life
and everything, when they learn
that you have obstructed a
telephone call to the President of
the United States? Can you imagine?
Shoot it off! Shoot! With the gun!
That's what the bullets are for,
you twit!
GUANO
OK. I'm gonna get your money for
you. But if you don't get the
President of the Unites States on
that phone, you know what's going
to happen to you?
MANDRAKE
What?
52.
GUANO
You're going to have to answer to
the Coca-Cola Company.
Turns to the Coke machine and fires into it. Change spills
from the coin return slot. As Guano bends to collect it,
coke streams from a bullet hole and showers his face.
CUT TO:
26 INT. WAR ROOM 26
VOICE ON PA
This is SAC communications control.
The recall code, OPE, is being
acknowledged roger by elements of
the 843 bomb wing.
Cheering starts among men in the War Room.
VOICE ON PA
These are the details: missions 12,
22, 30, and 38 are reported
destroyed by enemy action. All
other missions have acknowledged
recall code. This is SAC
communications control, over and
out.
TURGIDSON
(whistles loudly)
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
War room falls silent.
TURGIDSON
Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm
not a sentimentalist at all, by
nature, but I think I know what's
in every heart in this room. I
think we ought to all just bow our
heads and give a short prayer of
thanks for our deliverance. Lord,
we have heard the wings of the
angel of death fluttering over our
heads from the valley of fear. You
have seen fit to deliver us from
the forces of evil...
STAINS
Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's
calling again and he's hopping mad.
53.
CUT TO:
27 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 27
GOLDIE
Fuel flow in active engines and
leakage has increased. Now works
out at two zero five. Estimate
remaining fuel at eight seven nine
zero.
NAVIGATOR
Roger. Confirm two zero five per
minute and remaining fuel eight
seven nine zero.
CUT TO:
28 INT. WAR ROOM 28
MUFFLEY
(into phone)
No. No, Dimitri, there must be some
mistake.
(listens)
No, I'm certain of that. I'm
perfectly certain of that, Dimitri.
Just a second.
(puts down phone)
You know what he says? He says that
one of the planes hasn't turned
back. He says according to
information forwarded by our air
staff, it's headed for the missile
complex at Lapuda.
TURGIDSON
WHAH...
(laughs in wheezing
incredulity)
That's impossible, Mr. President. I
mean, look at the big board!
Thirty-four planes, thirty recalls
acknowledged, and four splashes,
and one of them was targeted for
Lapuda!
MUFFLEY
(into phone)
54.
Dimitri? Look, we've got an
acknowledgement from every plane
except the four you've shot down.
(listens)
Oh. Oh. He says... Hang on a
second, Dimitri.
(covers phone)
He says their air staff now only
claims three aircraft confirmed.
The fourth may only be damaged.
TURGIDSON
Mr. President, I'm beginning to
smell a big fat commie rat. I mean,
supposing Kissov is lying about
that fourth plane, just looking for
an excuse to clobber us. I mean, if
the spaghetti hits the fan, now
we're really in trouble.
MUFFLEY
(into phone)
Dimitri, look, if this report is
true and the plane manages to bomb
the target, is it... is this going
to full.. is this going to set off
the doomsday machine?
(listens)
Are you sure?
(listens)
Well, I... I guess you're just
going to have to get that plane,
Dimitri! Dimitri, I'm sorry they're
jamming your radar and flying so
low, but they're trained to do it.
You know, it's it's initiative!
Look, Dimitri, you know exactly
where they're going and I'm sure
your entire air defense can stop a
single plane. Listen, I mean, it's
not going to help either one of us
if the doomsday machine goes off,
now is it?
(LISTENS)
Dom... Dimitri there's no point in
you getting you hysterical at a
moment like this! Dimitri! Keep
your feet on the ground when you're
talking, Dimitri.
(listens)
55.
I... I am not I am not getting...
no, Dimitri. I... I just am
worried, that's all. Look, now if
our air staff say it's primary
target is Lapuda and it's secondary
target it Bordkov, I mean it's it's
true, Dimitri! You gotta believe
it.
Turgidson nods affirmative
MUFFLEY
Look, can I gi...
(listens)
Dimitri, can I give you just one
word... can I give you just one
word of advice, Dimitri? Listen,
Dimitri, put everything you've got
into those two sectors and you
can't miss.
CUT TO:
29 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 29
NAVIGATOR
Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at
the present rate, I estimate we
only have thirty-eight minutes
flying time which will not even
take us as far as the primary.
KONG
Dog gonnit, Sweets, you told me
that you'd get me to the primary!
NAVIGATOR
I'm sorry, Sir. That estimate was
based on the original loss rate
factor, not at two zero five.
KONG
I don't give a hoot in hell how you
do it, you just get me to the
primary, you hear?
NAVIGATOR
I'm sorry Sir, but those are the
figures. We'll be luck to reach
weather ship at tango delta.
KONG
56.
Well... shoot. We ain't come this
far just to dump this thing in the
drink. What's the nearest target
opportunity?
NAVIGATOR
Sir, if the rate of loss does not
increase, we have a chance to reach
target three eight four,grid
coordinate zero zero three six nine
one, and possibly make it from
there to the tango delta weather
ship.
KONG
What kind of a target is that,
anyhow?
BOMBARDIER
Sir, that's the ICBM complex at
Kodlosk.
KONG
Alright. Designating new target
three eight four. Give me a rough
heading on that just as soon as you
can get it worked out, will you?
CUT TO:
30 INT. WAR ROOM 30
MUFFLEY
(into phone)
Well, we'll keep our fingers
crossed, Dimitri, and remember,
there's just one thing, we are all
in this together. We're right
behind you, Dimitri. We're with you
all the way.
(listens)
Yes. Well, we'll keep the line
open. Alright Dimitri.
(rests phone on the
table)
General Turgidson, is there really
a chance for that plane to get
through?
TURGIDSON
57.
Mr. President, if I may speak
freely, the Russkie talks big, but
frankly, we think he's short of
know how. I mean, you just can't
expect a bunch of ignorant peons to
understand a machine like some of
our boys. And that's not meant as
an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean,
you take your average Russkie, we
all know how much guts he's got.
Hell, lookit look at all them them
Nazis killed off and they still
wouldn't quit.
MUFFLEY
Can't you stick to the point,
General?
TURGIDSON
Well, I'm sorry. Ah... If the
pilot's good, see. I mean, if he's
really... sharp, he can barrel that
baby in so low spreads his arms
like wings., laughs you oughtta see
it sometime, it's a sight. A big
plane, like a '52, vroom! There's
jet exhaust, fryin' chickens in the
barnyard!
MUFFLEY
Yeah, but has he got a chance?
TURGIDSON
Has he got a chance? Hell Ye...
ye...
(covers mouth in solemn
realization)
CUT TO:
31 INT. AIRBORNE B-52 31
NAVIGATOR
Navigator to Captain, approaching
target. Distance, one zero miles.
Switch from green grid to target
orange.
KONG
Roger. Ready for final bomb run
check. Take over, Ace.
58.
CO-PILOT
Roger.
DSO
DSO ready.
BOMBARDIER
Bombardier ready, sir.
KONG
Bomb fusing master safety on,
electronics, barometrics, time and
impact.
BOMBARDIER
Bomb fusing master safeties on,
electronic, barometric, time and
impact.
KONG
Fused for ground burst, delay
factor yellow three.
BOMBARDIER
Fused for ground burst, delay
factor yellow three.
KONG
Bomb fusing circuits one through
four, test.
BOMBARDIER
Bomb fusing circuits one through
four, test. Lights on.
KONG
Bomb arming test lights on, one
through four.
BOMBARDIER
Bomb arming test lights on, one
through four.
KONG
Engage primary trigger switch
override.
BOMBARDIER
Primary trigger switch override,
engaged.
KONG
59.
Track indicators to maximum
deflection.
BOMBARDIER
Track indicators to maximum
deflection.
KONG
Detonator set to zero altitude.
BOMBARDIER
Detonator set to zero altitude.
KONG
Release first safety.
AIRMAN
First safety released.
BOMBARDIER
First safety.
KONG
Release second safeties.
AIRMAN
Second safety released.
BOMBARDIER
Second safety.
KONG
Check bomb door circuits one
through four.
BOMBARDIER
Ah... bomb door circuits, negative
function. Lights red.
KONG
Switch in backup circuits.
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Backup circuits switched in,
still negative function.
KONG
Engage emergency power.
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Emergency power on. Still
negative function.
60.
KONG
Operate manual override!
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Ah... still negative
function. The teleflex drive cable
must be sheared away.
KONG
Fire the explosive bolts!
BOMBARDIER
Roger. Um... still negative, sir.
The operating circuits are dead,
sir.
KONG
Stay on the bomb run, Ace. I'm
going down below to see what I can
do.
CO-PILOT
Roger.
KONG
(to DSO and Bombardier)
Stay on the bomb run boys. I'm
goin' to get them doors open if it
hare lips everybody on Bear Creek.
(proceeds through hatch
to bomb bay)
Kong studies a sparking tangle of wires above a suspended
bomb, and then climbs atop the it, fanning the sparks with
his stetson.
NAVIGATOR
Target orange grid reference,
checks. Target distance, eight
miles.
CO-PILOT
Roger, eight miles. Telemetric
guidance computer into orange grid.
BOMBARDIER
Telemetric guidance computer into
orange grid.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, seven miles.
Correct track indicator, minus
seven.
61.
CO-PILOT
Roger. Seven miles. Set GPI
acceleration factor.
BOMBARDIER
GPI diversion factor set.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, six miles.
CO-PILOT
Roger. Six miles. False ident
transponder active.
BOMBARDIER
False ident transponder active.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, five miles.
CO-PILOT
Five miles. Bundling alignment
factor zero mode.
BOMBARDIER
Bundling alignment factor to zero
mode.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, four miles.
CO-PILOT
Roger. Four miles. Auto CDC into
manual teleflex link.
BOMBARDIER
Auto CDC is to manual teleflex
link.
NAVIGATOR
Target distance, three miles.
CO-PILOT
Roger. Three miles.
NAVIGATOR
Target in sight. Where in hell is
Major Kong?
Kong busily works to splice two wires together. He finishes
and then attaches an alligator clip to a patch panel above
his head. The bomb doors open. He grabs his stetson to keep
it from blowing away in the sudden slipstream.
62.
KONG
Aaaaaa hooooo! Aaaaaaaa hooooo!
The bomb is dropped, and Kong along with it
BOMBARDIER
Hey, what about Major Kong?
KONG
Aaaaaa hoooo! Waaaaa hooooo!
Kong rides the bomb in its falling arc waving his hat over
his head, celebrating his success in ecstatic rodeo style.
On reaching the ground, the bomb detonates.
CUT TO:
32 INT. WAR ROOM 32
Strangelove executes an about face from the big board to
face the camera.
STRANGELOVE
Mr. President, I would not rule out
the chance to preserve a nucleus of
human specimens. It would be quite
easy... heh heh...
(rolls forward into the
light)
At the bottom of ah... some of our
deeper mineshafts. The
radioactivity would never penetrate
a mine some thousands of feet deep.
And in a matter of weeks,
sufficient improvements in dwelling
space could easily be provided.
MUFFLEY
How long would you have to stay
down there?
STRANGELOVE
Well let's see now ah...
(searches within his
lapel)
... cobalt thorium G...
(notices circular slide
rule in his gloved hand)
... aa... nn... Radioactive
halflife of uh, ... hmm.. I would
think that uh... possibly uh... one
hundred years.
63.
On finishing his calculations, he pulls the slide rule
roughly from his gloved hand, and returns it to within his
jacket.
MUFFLEY
You mean, people could actually
stay down there for a hundred
years?
STRANGELOVE
It would not be difficult mein
Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could,
heh... I'm sorry. Mr. President.
Nuclear reactors could provide
power almost indefinitely.
Greenhouses could maintain
plantlife. Animals could be bred
and slaughtered. A quick survey
would have to be made of all the
available mine sites in the
country. But I would guess... that
ah, dwelling space for several
hundred thousands of our people
could easily be provided.
MUFFLEY
Well I... I would hate to have to
decide.. who stays up and.. who
goes down.
STRANGELOVE
Well, that would not be necessary
Mr. President. It could easily be
accomplished with a computer. And a
computer could be set and
programmed to accept factors from
youth, health, sexual fertility,
intelligence, and a cross section
of necessary skills. Of course it
would be absolutely vital that our
top government and military men be
included to foster and impart the
required principles of leadership
and tradition.
Slams down left fist. Right arm rises in stiff Nazi salute.
STRANGELOVE
Arrrrr!
(restrains right arm with
left)
64.
Naturally, they would breed
prodigiously, eh? There would
bemuch time, and little to do. But
ah with the proper breeding
techniques and a ratio of say, ten
females to each male, I would guess
that they could then work their way
back to the present gross national
product within say, twenty years.
MUFFLEY
But look here doctor, wouldn't this
nucleus of survivors be so grief
stricken and anguished that they'd,
well, envy the dead and not want to
go on living?
STRANGELOVE
No sir...
His right arm rolls his wheelchair backwards
STRANGELOVE
Excuse me.
He struggles with wayward right arm, ultimately subduing it
with a beating from his left
STRANGELOVE
Also when... when they go down into
the mine everyone would still be
alive. There would be no shocking
memories, and the prevailing
emotion will be one of nostalgia
for those left behind, combined
with a spirit of bold curiosity for
the adventure ahead! Ahhhh!
Right arm reflexes into Nazi salute. He pulls it back into
his lap and beats it again. Gloved hand attempts to
strangle him.
TURGIDSON
Doctor, you mentioned the ration of
ten women to each man. Now,
wouldn't that necessitate the
abandonment of the so called
monogamous sexual relationship, I
mean, as far as men were concerned?
STRANGELOVE
65.
Regrettably, yes. But it is, you
know, a sacrifice required for the
future of the human race. I hasten
to add that since each man will be
required to do prodigious...
service along these lines, the
women will have to be selected for
their sexual characteristics which
will have to be of a highly
stimulating nature.
DESADESKI
I must confess, you have an
astonishingly good idea there,
Doctor.
STRANGELOVE
Thank you, sir.
TURGIDSON
(to Muffley)
I think we should look at this from
the military point of view. I mean,
supposing the Russkies stashes away
some big bomb, see. When they come
out in a hundred years they could
take over!
DeSadeski begins walking away from the crowd around
Strangelove and the President, toward the banquet table.
GENERAL
I agree, Mr. President. In fact,
they might even try an immediate
sneak attack so they could take
over our mineshaft space.
TURGIDSON
Yeah. I think it would be extremely
naive of us, Mr. President, to
imagine that these new developments
are going to cause any change in
Soviet expansionist policy.
DeSadeski kneels, unseen, and begins photographing the big
board with a secret camera within a pocket watch.
TURGIDSON
66.
I mean, we must be... increasingly
on the alert to prevent them from
taking over other mineshaft space,
in order to breed more prodigiously
than we do, thus, knocking us out
in superior numbers when we emerge!
Mr. President, we must not allow...
a mine shaft gap!
STRANGELOVE
... Sir!
(stands up out of his
wheelchair)
I have a plan. Heh.
(pauses, realizing that
he is standing)
Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!
MULTIPLE SCENES OF EXPLODING BOMBS
Dancing to the tune of "We'll Meet Again."
FADE OUT
THE END
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