"Hey." " Hey." " Oh, what's this?" " That is a demerit." "" Jim Halpert." " Tardiness."" " Oh." " I love it, already." " You've got to learn, Jim." " You are a second in command, but that does not put you above the law." " Oh, I understand." " And I also have lots of questions." " Like, what does a demerit mean?" " Let's put it this way." " You do not want to receive three of those." " Lay it on me." " Three demerits, and you'll receive a citation." " Now, that sounds serious." " Oh, it is serious." " Five citations, and you're looking at a violation." " Four of those, and you'll receive a verbal warning." " Keep it up, and you're looking at a written warning." " Two of those, that will land you in a world of hurt, in the form of a disciplinary review, written up by me, and placed on the desk of my immediate superior." " Which would be me." " That is correct." " Okay." " I want a copy on my desk by the end of the day or you will receive a full desaggelation." " What's a..." "What's that?" " Oh, you don't want to know." " Hey, Phyllis." " Are you all right?" " I think I just got flashed." " What?" " Really?" " In the parking lot." " Oh, my God." " Move!" " Okay, I'll call the real police." " What happened?" " What can I do to help?" " Okay." " I'll check the web." " Thank you." " The police are on it." " They say they've already had three calls." " Can you tell us what happened?" " I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions." " And he was holding a map." " And when I walked over, he had it out on the map." " Phyllis." " You're a married woman." " The guy was just hanging brain." " I mean, what's all the fuss?" " If that's flashing, then lock me up." " It's just, like, so creepy." " Yeah." " What's happening?" " Oh, some guy exposed himself to Phyllis in the parking lot." " Really?" " Is she okay?" " Yeah." " Bob Vance took her for a walk to calm down." " Okay." " Phyllis, you say?" " What is so funny?" " I mean, did he even see Pam?" " Or, Karen from behind?" " I'm guessing not." " I'm sorry." " It's pretty funny when you think about it." " Not really." " No." " It's disgusting and demeaning." " Oh, okay." " Masters of comedy, a guy dropped his pants." " Have you ever been to the circus?" " Okay." " He's back!" " Okay." "( SPEAKING GIBBERISH)" "Hey, what's going on?" " There's a police car in the..." "What?" "( EXCLAIMS)" "What's going on?" " Oh, Phyllis got flashed." " It's..." "I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response." " Oh, come on." " We're laughing at Phyllis but she's not even here." " So, no harm, no foul." " I don't think the women in this office..." "Incidentally, where were you during all of this?" " Maybe you're the flasher." " I was at a parent-teacher conference." " Prove it." " Let's see your penis." " I..." "You know..." "As that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong." " In all the excitement," "I forgot that my primary goal is to keep people safe." " Women can't have fun if they don't feel safe." " For example, Jan and I have a safe word in case things go too far." " Foliage." " And if one of us says that word, the other one has to stop." " Although last time, she pretended she didn't hear me." " JAN:" "Michael, come over after work tonight, okay?" " I miss your body." " I don't know." " I feel..." "I drive a lot." " I'm spending a fortune on gas and tools." " Okay." " I'll give you $200." " And if I get up before you, I'll leave it on the dresser." " That..." "I don't know." " That makes me kind of uncomfortable." " $300?" " Well..." "I don't know." " Look, whatever." " Just let my assistant know if you're coming over so he can get more vodka." " Okay?" " Hunter, are you on?" " HUNTER:" "You got it, Jan." "DWIGHT:" "The employees of this office are very small and delicate." " Deserve protection from local pervs." " Better a thousand innocent men are locked up than one guilty man roam free." " I am sick over this thing." " Those people out there are clearly afraid." " And that can't happen." " Not in my house." " Agreed." " Let me show you what I've been working on." " There are several penises there" "I'd love Phyllis to run her eyes over." " You know, see if we can catch this pervert." " This is the last thing that Phyllis needs to see right now, Dwight." " Look at that one." " Dwight, are those your pants?" " That's a Polaroid." " Attention, everybody." " Dwight has something he would like to say." " Due to a recent incident involving" "Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis," "I think you know what I'm referring to," "Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force." " Question." " Won't that interfere with your other task forces?" " Answer." " No, because this is being given priority one." " This is a petition for the business park to upgrade their security cameras as well as install two floodlights in the parking lot." " And I know what you're thinking." " Won't that just shed more light on the penises?" " But that is a risk we have to take." " Pam." " You can draw, kind of." " Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?" " Phallus?" " Phyllis." " Sorry." " I've got penises on the brain." " Back to work, everybody." " I don't often miss Roy, but I can tell you one thing." " I wish someone had flashed me when I was with Roy." " Because that would have been the ass-kicking of the year." " Especially if it had been Jim." " He would not have wanted me to have seen Jim's..." "I'm..." "I am saying a lot of things." " I didn't really get a good look." " That's okay." " I don't feel like answering phones." " Hey, did you guys see this memo that Dwight sent out?" "" Women will be sent home if they wear makeup" ""or heels exceeding one-quarter inch." "" Females are not allowed to speak to strangers" ""unless given written authorization by Dwight Schrute."" " This is ridiculous." " Attention." " I am removing all bananas from the kitchen." " Dwight, this memo that you distributed is insulting." " Desperate times call for desperate measures." "" Sleeves down to the wrists"?" "" Button-up collars and muted colors."" " Nobody dresses like that." " MICHAEL:" "Okay." " You know something, Dwight?" " We are not the terrorists." " Why don't you just take these women, put them in a burlap sack, and hit them with a stick?" " Because that's what you're doing." " I celebrate these women." " They deserve the right to dress as they please." " If Pam wants to show more cleavage, she should be able to." " I encourage that." " Look, it's really simple." " We just want you guys to treat us with respect." " See?" " That's what we're talking about." " Did you hear that, Dwight?" " Yes." " Did you hear that, Michael?" " No, Dwight." " Respect." " R-E-S-P-C-T." "Find out what it means to me." " All right." " You know what?" " That's it." " Conference room." " Five minutes." " Women's appreciation." " Wait a second." " How are you qualified for that?" " Oh, I don't know, James." " Did I come from a woman?" " Have I slept with a woman?" " More than one?" " Less than three." " That is not current." " You know what?" " Why doesn't Oscar run the meeting?" " He's a homosexual." " Why don't you run the meeting?" " You play with dolls." " Those are collectible action figures." " And they're worth more than your car." " You know what?" " I am the expert." " I will conduct it." " I know the crap out of women." " I would like to apologize for all the men who thought this was a laughing matter." " Are we still discussing this?" " I say again, what is the big deal?" " Nobody likes to be flashed." " When Meredith flashed me at that Christmas party," "I nearly vomited." " I don't remember doing that." " What a surprise." " Okay." " No catfights." " Please?" " Let's..." "My point is..." "My point is..." "A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman." " But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie." " Alien." " What?" " Shut it." " Shut up." " Okay." " So, what I want to engage us in today is a hardcore discussion about women's problems and issues and situations." " Magazines and TV shows and movies portray women as skinny, tall goddesses." " Well, look around." " Are women like that?" " No." " No, they are not." " Even the hot ones aren't really that skinny." " So, what does that say?" " That says that you women are up against it." " And it is criminal." " Society doesn't care." " Society sucks." " I don't even consider myself a part of society." " F.Y.I. Because I am so angry over all of this." " If it were up to me, you ladies would be the fashion models." " Yes, Andy." " Then, the fashion models could come here and work with me." " What you're saying is extremely misogynistic." " Yes." " Thank you." " That was not necessary, but I appreciated it." " And it proves my point." " Women can do anything." " I'm saying that you're being sexist." " No." " I'm being misogynistic." " That is insane." " I am not being sexist." " That's the same thing." " Michael." " Yes." " When I got my hair cut short, you asked me if I was a lesbian." " Because..." "That was one possible explanation as to why you got that haircut." " And when we get mad, you always ask us if we're on our periods." " I have to know whether you're serious or not." " I wish I could menstruate." " If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore." " I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle." " Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides." " Can we just get back to work?" " Yes." " Okay." " Yes." " This is not work talk." " You're right." " You're right." " And you know why?" " It's because of where we are." " This is a masculine environment." " We need to find a place where you feel comfortable." " You know where we're gonna go?" " Steamtown Mall." " Frankly, it's kind of insulting." " But I have a bunch of stuff I need to return in my car, so I can do that." " Malls are just awful and humiliating." " They're just store after store of these horrible sales people making a big fuss out of an adult shopping in a junior section." " There are petite adults who are sort of smaller who need to wear, maybe, a kids' size 10." " Okay!" " Let's go, ladies of Dunder Mifflin." " Hey, we should have a calendar printed up." " Pam, put that in my good idea folder." " Let's go!" " Are you finished with the sketch?" " Yeah." " Doesn't seem like the type." " Phyllis got a good look." " I plan on plastering this pervert's face everywhere." " You can run, but you cannot hide." " Meredith, slow down!" " We're not gonna get there any faster if we're dead." " Thanks." " I know how to drive." " Oh." " Yeah." " You really shouldn't litter." " My car." " My rules." " Hey, Jim." " You want to go in the women's bathroom?" " No." " Thank you, though." " You aren't curious?" " Not really." " I've seen a bathroom before." " Yeah, but, it's every guy's fantasy." " I think you mean a girl's locker room." " And in the fantasy, there's usually girls in it." " Yeah." " I'm going in." " Go crazy." " Oh, my God." " I really appreciate your letting me work alongside you so closely today." " Of course you do, moonface." " That's because you're a preppy freak, you're the office pariah, and nobody likes you." " So, start hanging these all around the building." " This guy looks like a real deviant." " No duh." " That's why we've got to catch him." " Start hanging those." " Aye, aye, Captain." " More like, aye, aye, General." " MICHAEL:" "I don't think she's gonna make it." " Don't think she's gonna make it!" " It's a little too tight." " I'm gonna find another spot." " Many women are competent drivers." " Okay." " Come on." " This is what we know." " Well, I stand corrected." " This is pretty cool." " Yes." " Hey, where did you decide to take Karen tonight?" " Anna Maria's." " RYAN:" "What's the occasion?" " Six-month anniversary." " What?" " Nothing." " I think, we all kind of thought you guys were just, like, hooking up." " No." " We've been dating for six months." " She might mention an e-mail that I wrote a while back." " Oh, right." " I remember that one." " She read it to me." " She said she's not really ready to date somebody in the office, but she really likes you as a friend." " I figured." " That's cool." " I wouldn't want to be in an office relationship, anyway." " All right." " I hope nobody's on a diet." " Thanks, Michael." " Thank you, Michael." " You're welcome." " You're welcome." " Okay." " So." " Let's dish." " What do you want to dish about?" " Anything you guys want." " This is your time." " What is a Pap smear?" " Or is it shmear like cream cheese?" " Okay." " New topic." " Kelly, how are things with Ryan?" " Awesome." " Awful, I mean." " But, sometimes awesome." " What..." "What do you think of role-play?" " It can be fun." " Yeah?" " Well, Jan has this schoolgirl fantasy." " That's a pretty common one." " I just..." "I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress." " Okay." " I'm gonna be at the doll store." " Sometimes the clothes at GapKids are just too flashy." " So, I am forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls." " Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with." " Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing." " I don't know." " Maybe we're different people." " I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex." " Oh, my God." " And then, watching it back right afterward to improve my form." " That is not healthy behavior." " No." " It's not that bad." " The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it." " Michael, you need to get out of this." " No." " She's just fooling around." " It's a woman thing." " No." " Normal women don't do stuff like that." " This is bad." " No." " No, that's all right." " I'm okay." " I'm okay." " You guys, what am I gonna do about Jan?" " Done." " Read the pros first." " Okay." "" Jan is smart, successful." "" Good clothes." " Hot." "" Perfect skin." " Nice butt."" " She does have very nice clothes." " Okay, okay." " Cons?" " Cons." "" Wears too much makeup." "" Breasts not anything to write home about." "" Insecure about body." "" I'm unhappy when I'm with her." "" Flat-chested."  What was the last one?" " She's totally flat." " Shrunken chesticles." " No." " The one before that." "" I'm unhappy when I'm with her."" " Michael." " You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy." " I'm happy sometimes." " When we scrapbook." " Or right towards the end of having sex." " Look, most relationships have their rough patches." " You just have to push through it sometimes." " Yeah." " That's smart." " Maybe." " But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other." " That sounds good, too." " I don't know who's right." " I just don't." " I don't know." " I don't know." " I bet you know." " Don't think." " Just answer." " What do you want to do about Jan?" " I want to break up with Jan." "Wow!" " I want to break up with Jan." "My mom taught me that." " Wow!" " I cannot believe this yogurt has no calories." " No one said it has no calories." " Oh, hey, guys." " I want to do something nice for you, because you did something so nice for me earlier." " I want you to go in there." " I want you to buy one item, on me." " As a thank you." " Come on." " Get in here." " Let's face it." " Most guys are from the Dark Ages." " They're cavemen." " And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels." " And to be wearing see-through underpants." " But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked." " This is so great, huh?" " We should do this much more often." " I think we hang out an appropriate amount of time." " What are you doing in here?" " This is the woman's room." " You're in here." " I pay for that privilege." " Okay." " I'm a pretty normal guy." " I do one weird thing." " I like to go in the women's room for number two." " I've been caught several times, and I have paid dearly." "( EXCLAIMS)" "You don't want anything?" " My treat." " Some panties, or..." "Like, a thong or G-string, T-back?" " Get a nice bra." " Padded bra." " See-through?" " Push-up?" " Lace?" " Thigh-high?" " Bustier?" " Anything." " It's just..." "You know what?" " I would love to buy you a fresh set of underwear." " Phyllis?" " What do you think?" " Too much?" " Jim's gonna love it." " I'm kind of in between boyfriends right now, so I don't need anything sexy." " But I do need some new hand towels." " I figure I can cut up this robe." " Slower." " Slower." "( CELL PHONE RINGING) Meredith." " Slow it up." " Oh, no." " It's Jan. What do I do?" " Answer it." " Don't answer it." " Okay." " It stopped." "( TIRE BURSTS) Oh, crap." " That is pretty cool." " Michael?" " You know how to change a wheel, right?" " Yeah." " Yep." " Can somebody grab me the lever?" " And I will..." "Here." " Meredith?" " Why don't you put your hazards on?" " Yeah." " Get your hazards on for safety." " Let's see." " There we go!" " Good." " Yes." " We have the..." "All right." " I think I've got it." " Do you have a Crescent?" " A Crescent-Allen?" " I don't think we really need that, Michael." " You know what?" " I'm going to..." "You take care of that." " I'm gonna do traffic detail." " You know?" " I changed a tire today." " All by myself." " This bathrobe's already coming in handy." "( HORN HONKING) Coming!" " Think we'll find him?" " Yeah, I do." " Because justice never rests." " Halvsies?" " No." " Wholesies." " Listen, man." " I really appreciate you letting me shadow you today." " I feel like I learned a lot." " Natch." " Yep." " If you don't mind, I think I'll hang up some of these posters around my neighborhood, schools, post office, et cetera." " You know?" " I may have underestimated you." " You're not a total ass." " Okay." " I am really going to do this." " PAM:" "Good luck, Michael." " You know what?" " I need my girls with me." " Pam, Karen, even Phyllis." " Come on." " Let's do this." " Let's do it." " Okay." " Remember." " Be strong." " I love you guys." " No, I'm getting her voicemail." " Don't leave a..." "Hey, Jan. It's me." " Michael." " I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break." " Permanently." " And, I know everybody says this, but I want to remain friends." " Or, at least, business associates who get along." " Oh." " Just so you know, it's not me." " It's you." " Okay, buddy." " Somebody just walked in." " I have to go." " So, I'll talk to you later." " Michael." " I was..." "I was really unhappy with our conversation earlier." " And I..." "I just..." "I couldn't stop thinking about it, so I decided that I would drive down here and apologize to you in person." " So..." "I'm sorry." " Thank you." " So, we're good?" " Abso-fruitly." "( CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Oh." " Hold on." " Sorry." " No." " Wait a second." " Oh." " It's from you." " Want to grab some dinner?" " MICHAEL:" "Hey, Jan. It's me." " Michael." " Yeah." " Okay." " I'm just calling to say that I think we need a little break." " Permanently." " And, I know everybody says this, but I want to remain friends." " Maybe some Italian." " Or, at least, business associates..." "Chinese?" "...  get along." " Oh." " Just so you know, it's not me." " It's you." " Okay, buddy..." "(MICHAEL EXCLAIMS)" "Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool." " Because they are un-understandable." " There's a wishing fountain at the mall, and I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish." " I wished for Jan to get over me." " I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV." " I wished for Pam to gain courage." " I wished for Angela a heart and for Kelly a brain." " Michael." " How can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" " You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional?" " Well, maybe I learned something from women after all." "( PHONE RINGING)" "Dunder Mifflin Paper I Sex Predator Hotline." " This is Dwight Schrute." " Hey, Dwight." " It's Jim." " Jim, what are you doing?" " I'm busy." " No." " You're not." " I'm looking right at you." " I'm hanging up." " Don't." " I have information about the sex predator." " You have information about the sex predator?" " I saw him two minutes ago." " Where?" " In the women's bathroom, above the sink." " Anti-flashing task force!" " Above the sink." " Above the sink." " Pam!"