TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: " virus " is a monster movie without a monster .
any movie with a hurdle that large to overcome had better be pretty damn good
otherwise .
sadly , " virus " does not deliver , on any level .
the movie opens with the russian space station mir about to transmit something ( we never find out what ) to a big boat with lots of satellites on it .
sudddenly , a wave of colorful lightning comes flying through space , and winds up destroying mir and using it to transmit itself to the aforementioned big boat .
cut to seven days later , we meet donald sutherland and his band of seafaring vultures .
see , they spend all their time sailing around looking for dead - in - the - water ships to rescue , and then collect the reward money .
at least , i * think
* that 's what they do .
along with many other things in the film , their reason for being out in the middle of the ocean is n't really explained .
so , they stumble upon this big boat with lots of satellites on it , and decide to haul it back to russian waters .
the only problem is , the crew starts disappearing one - by - one and turning into borg .
yes , borg .
complete with the red laser beam in place of an eye .
apparently , this alien lifeform can only survive if inside something electrical .
so , it creates make - shift machines and uses humans for " spare parts " .
blah , blah , blah .
i could go on forever describing the ludicrous so - called plot , but i wo n't .
suffice it to say the most original thing about this movie is having donald sutherland play an irish man ( !
) . everything else in this movie has been taken from other ( better ) movies .
for example , many of the machines resemble those found in the little - seen japanese movie , " tetsuo - the iron man " .
and the plot is right out of " aliens " .
the funny thing is , i was actually expecting to enjoy this movie .
i have a soft spot for cheesy monster movies , like last years under - appreciated " deep rising " .
but " virus " , as i mentioned earlier , does n't even have a monster .
it just has a big pile of circuits and wires and expects the audience to fear this ridiculous looking contraption .
" virus " is the type of movie that really makes you wonder what the screenwriter was thinking about when he wrote it .
besides the lame " monster " , it 's chock full of dialogue that no real person would ever say , and situations that no real person would ever allow themselves to get into .
for example , there is a scene late in the movie in which one of the characters actually attempts to * negotiate * with the alien !
now , i do n't know about you , but if i came upon a lifeform that viewed mankind as a virus to be eliminated , i doubt that i would attempt to reason with it .
that makes about as much sense as a baby squirrel calmly asking a fierce predator to spare his life .
finally , " virus " is n't scary .
the least the filmmakers could have done was to make the movie just a little scary .
as it is , it 's about as frightening as a box of cookies .
skip " virus " .
if it 's a cool monster movie you want , rent the far superior ( and the granddaddy of this genre ) " aliens " .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: meet joe black ( reviewed on nov .
27/98 )
starring brad pitt , anthony hopkins , claire forlani in " meet joe black " , brad pitt plays death .
that 's all that really needs to be said , but nevertheless , i will provide the three of you that have seemingly been living in a cave with a plot description .
death decides to take a holiday , what with all the rigors of soul - collecting and all , and forces anthony hopkins into showing him what it 's like to be human .
death assumes the body of brad pitt , and from there , much trouble ensues .
for one thing , death - as - pitt falls in love with hopkins daughter , played by claire forlani .
obviously this enrages hopkins , because really , what can death offer ?
besides eternal damnation , of course .
there is also a sub - plot about forlani 's ex - boyfriend ( she dumps him for pitt ) trying to take over hopkins company .
" meet joe black " runs just under three hours .
i 've always thought that such obscene running times should be limited to historical epics .
" meet joe black " is neither historical nor is it an epic , though i get the feeling martin brest ( the director )
desperately wants it to be .
every single scene in the movie goes on about 3 - 4 minutes too long .
and the ending takes about 20 minutes longer than it really should .
a severe editing job could have made this movie excellent , instead of just good , which is what it is .
pitt , an actor i normally loathe , is actually quite engaging as death .
i believed his performance , and i could see why forlani 's character would fall in love with him .
i have to agree with roger ebert , though , who found it hard to believe that an entity that 's been around for all time would n't know what peanut butter was .
that has nothing to do with pitt 's performance , of course , but it is a little distracting .
hopkins gives his usual excellent performance .
he 's able to portray the angst of a man who knows he has very little time left , without making him an obnoxious whiner .
and in her first major studio role , claire forlani is surprisingly good .
she has a sweet tenderness that allows the audience to instantly root for her .
so , " meet joe black " is
a good movie hampered by it 's ridiculous running time .
had the film been cut by an hour or so , i have no doubt that i would be calling it one of the best movies of the year in this review .

SOLUTION: P

PROBLEM: one night , during a torrential downpour that flooded the streets , we went to see -- what else -- hard rain .
"
so , are we all going to die ?
"
the sheriff ( randy quaid ) asks in the story 's opening line as he evacuates his flooded town .
the answer is pretty much yes , but not nearly soon enough . and to add insult to injury , the supposedly dead , regretfully , often turn out not to be so . populating this bad tv - movie - of - the - week material are a host of talented actors .
one can only hope they were rewarded handsomely for acting in this hopelessly muddled picture .
besides the obvious hardships of acting most scenes while dog paddling in the water , they will all receive black marks on their records for appearing in this dismal movie .
graham yost 's script serves up one cliche after another for the actors , who thankfully managed to mumble quite a few of the lines .
director mikael salomon 's staging is so confusing that you may have trouble figuring out what is happening .
the befuddled presentation is exacerbated by peter menzies , jr .
's dark and ugly cinematography .
the plot concerns an armored car that gets stuck in the raging water .
onboard are guards tom and his uncle charlie .
christian slater , who is much better in his tender roles as in untamed heart , plays tom .
edward asner drops by briefly to take on the role of the soon to be dead charlie .
coming to their " rescue " is a gang headed by jim , played on autopilot by the great actor morgan freeman .
he views the loot , three million dollars worth , as his retirement plan .
the entire movie is one big watery chase with the sheriff and his posse tracking jim and his gang , who are in turn after tom .
along the way , tom picks up a love interest in the person of a crucifix - weapon wielding woman named karen , played in a totally wasted performance by minnie driver .
the action sequences are repetitive and without much interest .
they do feature lots of explosions and gunfire to keep you awake .
christopher young 's emotionless score
for the film has a single trait , ear - shattering loudness .
the plot holes are as big as the ones in the dam that breaks , submerging the town .
the characters have an infinite number of bullets and rarely do they have to bother reloading their guns .
the weapons and the ammunition spend most of the time under water or being rained on but always fire perfectly .
when one of the bad guys drops a gun into the water , it stays in the same place until much later when tom swims to get it , even though the swift water is so strong it is uprooting large trees .
counting these improbabilities is one of the more enjoyable ways to spend your time as you wait for the characters to kill each other .
the show has a single , but unprintable , good line .
betty white plays an incessantly bossy wife , and , when her hen - pecked husband finally told her off , our audience roared with laughter .
the show concludes with a sickening set of twists .
the best that can be said of the picture is that it is merely stupefyingly awful as opposed to laughably bad .
hard rain runs 1 : 37 .
it is rated r for violence and would be fine for teenagers .
( the two families behind us shockingly had a half - dozen preschoolers among them . )

SOLUTION:
N