TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: plot : a separated , glamorous , hollywood couple must pretend to reunite for a press junket of the last movie that they ever shot together .
kewl . . .
now
i only wish that i could pretend never to have seen this movie . . .
critique : trite , unfunny , boring and a waste of everyone 's talent .
how a premise with such zest and bite can turn into a movie that does n't feature any chemistry , any real laughs , any surprises or any spice is beyond me .
how julia roberts is used solely as a " puppy dog " character , puttering around in the background while we endure the complete bitchiness of zeta - jones ' character , who is not one bit funny or romantic
( two ideal ingredients in a " romantic comedy " ) , is also beyond me .
and why they chose john cusack , a great , quirky actor in his own right , to play
the most bland , uninteresting and unfetching character ( with zero chemistry with either of his leads ) is further more , beyond me .
and to anybody who decided that this project was " funny " enough to greenlight featuring the talents mentioned above , along with billy crystal , christopher walker , seth green and stanley tucci .
. .
well , what can i say .
. .
i just do n't have the words .
so is this the worst movie that i 've seen all year ?
no .
but it definitely sucks
and it 's basically because . . .
well , it 's just not funny .
and for the record , allow me to state a few more problems with it .
it starts off slow , it 's got no energy , it does n't engage you with any of its characters
( julia barely gets somewhat interesting in the film , everyone else . . .
lame ! ) , it utilizes way too many flashbacks to move the story forward , it 's utterly predictable , standard , routine , see - through and uninteresting as a plot and it just sits there on the screen , big and ugly , waiting . . .
waiting for you to laugh or find something in it that is amusing .
and then hank azaria shows up . . .
aaaaaah , the film 's savior ( mind you , some might be offended by his exaggeration of a stereotype , but that 's another story altogether ) .
but when an experienced " voice " actor upstages all of the main stars in a summer " blockbuster " romantic comedy with an over - the - top antonio banderas accent , damn dude . . .
your film 's in trouble ! ! rent this movie on video just to see what went wrong yourself .
the references to ricky ricardo and senor wences
( huh ! ? ) , the idio - plot points like when one of the characters goes on the roof to stretch his arms out and relax , but everyone believes that he 's going to kill himself ( hardy - har - har ) and the cheap way of getting the audience to leave the theater laughing by bringing back a ball - sniffing dog that has no place being in the location at the end of the movie , well .
. .
i could go on .
but i wo n't because i do still respect all of the actors in this film and actually did laugh at azaria , green and tucci 's antics from time to time ( ironic , eh .
. .
what about the leads , dammit ! )
and liked the premise behind the film ( before i saw the finished product , of course ) .
a dud all the way around .
btw , all the talk about this film was that julia roberts was to be in a fat suit for one scene
( her character is supposed to have lost 60 pounds ) , so when the scene finally came , i did get a little excited about what it might look like and then . . .
well , it basically just looked like julia roberts in a fat suit ! ugh .
i think i 'm gon na start drinking again after this lame - ass movie .
c'mon hollywood , enough with the crud !
where 's joblo coming from ?
beautiful ( 1/10 ) - my best friend 's wedding ( 7/10 ) - notting hill ( 5/10 ) - pretty woman ( 7/10 ) -runaway bride ( 5/10 ) - someone like you ( 4/10 ) - wedding planner ( 3/10 ) - when harry met sally ( 10/10 )
- you 've got mail ( 4/10 )

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: one of the 90s ' most unwelcome thriller trends returns from the grave : it 's the " _ _ _ from hell " movie !
starting in the early nineties , we were subjected to nearly every conceivable combination of relationships - from - hell !
there were boyfriends from hell , friendly neighborhood cops from hell , nannies from hell , and even secretaries from hell .
but hush has found an old standby that somehow was forgotten in the rush : the mother - in - law from hell ! ! ! ! !
the mother - in - law in question is martha , played by jessica lange .
she has been single - handedly running the family horse farm , kilronan .
her son , jackson ( johnathon schaech ) and his girlfriend , helen ( gwyneth paltrow ) , live in new york , and have no intention to move back down south to the rural kilronan .
but those intentions are about to change .
you see , martha lives by manipulation .
she has used it in years past to breed many championship horses .
now , she believes she can use it to breed herself a grandson .
though at first , helen finds martha charming , soon she is caught in the domineering martha 's web of deception .
it 's hard to understand why nobody ever wises up to martha ' schemes .
as written , most of the characters in the film must be very slow witted .
but then , the film even treats the audience like idiots .
it tries to get away with things ( like leaving a critical piece of evidence in a rather unlikely place ) without even batting an eye .
then again an audience which accepts characters as shallow as these is n't one that 's likely to question details .
jessica lange 's martha is the only semi - developed character in the film , and she applies her talents to redeem it as much as she can .
a character that could have been simply awful is merely groan - worthy .
gwyneth paltrow does n't have much to build upon , as helen 's only character trait seems to be " daughter - in - law " .
still , she fares better than johnathon schaech , whose character is so nonexistent , he 's inexplicably missing for much of the film .
still , there have been much worse
" _ _ _
_ from hell " films .
even with its paper - thin characters and ludicrous setups , hush manages to create a few thrills in a color - by - numbers fashion .
you know what 's coming , but occasionally the film will deliver a shock or two .
the old formulas are around for a reason , but that does n't mean they taste fresh .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: guilt .
guilt is something i felt while watching basic instinct for the ninth time ; the penultimate t & a thriller , basic instinct made my last few teenage years worth living .
but i know so well that it 's a terrible film , made by a terrible director incapable of feeling guilt
.
verhoeven went on to make the even more offensive showgirls and , on november seventh , 1997 , unleashed starship troopers to innocent moviegoers like me , who can not control the urge to see giant bug movies .
the pic begins with the most unintentional laugh of the year .
a simple , white on black title card reads " starship troopers " -my friends and i speculated that the night before the prints were shipped , verhoeven realized he forgot the credits .
is this how a hundred million dollar movie should open ?
were the rest of the film that subdued . . .
starship troopers is about a group of white , blond - haired himbos and bimbos who all have spanish last names .
they graduate high school , join the military , and then , rather curiously , decide to travel to an alien planet and destroy all lifeforms on that planet .
the story is so incomprehensible , and told so bombastically , it 's akin to 129 minutes of someone screaming punishments at you in a foreign tongue .
( aside , club lovers will be happy to know that dance music has n't changed in the future . )
one plus : starship troopers contains some very funny sequences , specifically the newsreels of the future .
hysterically funny , actually .
but the cynicism of these reports left me curious as to whether verhoeven felt pessimistic about the story in between .
the storytelling lacks focus , to say the least .
the politics of the film are scary .
the actions of the major female characters are dictated by their out - of - control libidos .
there 's even a creepy sex scene : the lovely dina meyer makes out , nude , with the sickening van dien while half her face is covered by her opaque sweater , just the way he seems to like it .
i use the term sickening because van dien is the least appealing actor i 've encountered in a big budget picture ; all chiseled features and machismo , he even barks a eulogy at a funeral like military orders .
of course , verhoeven 's probably the one to blame , and perhaps i 'm jealous because i 'm so disgusting .
at any rate , a movie called starship troopers should n't be about sex .
exactly ten years ago , verhoeven made robocop , which was about nothing but skillfully made and oddly moving .
and r - rated , despite its goofy premise .
maybe it 's asking too much for verhoeven to make a pg - movie
, then - he 's a master of insipid violence .
however , ten year old boys would adore starship troopers if they could see it .

SOLUTION:
N