TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: *
* * the following review contains some harsh language . . .
but what did you expect when you clicked on this title ?
*
*
* cast : kristen holly smith , danica sheridan , alex boling , michael dotson , sonya hensley , janet krajeski ,
sabrina lu , dionysius burbano , calvin grant , jeff b .
harmon written and directed by : jeff b .
harmon running time : 97 minutes " the thought of losing you
makes me all vomity inside .
"
--- blatz balinski ( danica sheridan ) laments the fact that her lesbian lover , april ( kristen holly smith ) , has just received a telegram from her ex - fiance .
isle of lesbos is an incredibly offensive musical comedy about april pfferpot ( smith ) , a resident of the small town of bumfuck , arkansas who is about to get married to high school
sweetheart and football hero dick dickson ( michael dotson ) .
when april gets extreme cold feet she runs home , sticks a gun in her mouth , and pulls the trigger .
instead of killing herself , she is magically transported through her mirror into the isle of lesbos , an alternate dimension where lesbians rule and no men are allowed ( except for lance , the homosexual toilet cleaner / slave ) .
april loves her new home and friends , but dick and her parents are not so ready to give her up .
mr .
and ms .
pfferpot ( director jeff b . harmon and janet krajeski ) decide they need medical help
so they enlist the aid of dr .
sigmoid colon ( also jeff b . harmon ) , who claims he can cure homosexuality .
in actuality , dr .
colon is homosexual as well and begins his special " treatment " on dick dickson ( unbeknownst to dick ) .
when april turns down dick 's demand for her to return to bumfuck , he decides to take matters in his own hands and attack the isle of lesbos rambo - style .
instead of leveling the place he falls in love with lance ( alex boling ) and the two of them , along with april and her lover blatz , get married .
( note to the filmmaker : why did the character of lance make asides to the camera followed by silence that i 'm assuming was inserted for the purpose of waiting until the laughter of the audience had subsided ? )
april 's parents , feeling like there is no recourse , call in a favor to president clinton and send a nuclear bomb ( whose circuitry inexplicably is made up of a homosexual performer ) their way .
the bomb is a dud thanks to the work of the " circuitry " and they re - wire it and send it back to washington d .
c .
, destroying it .
mr .
and ms .
pfferpot give up trying to get their daughter back and instead decide to join her as they have some alternative sexual practices of their own .
i 'm not sure if writer / director / co - star jeff b .
harmon was purposely trying to offend people because he believes in some of the ideas his movie presents or if he was just going for cheap laughs .
either way , he manages to present some of the most offensive material i have ever seen in a movie .
the film opens with a preacher running a small african - american child out of town , and then later moves on to the hanging of a michael jackson impersonator by the ku klux klan ( during a jaunty musical number ) , preceded by remarks about " gays and straights finally being able to put their differences behind them and work together to hate others , such as the jews " .
if harmon was merely trying to point out how idiotic society can be , then i apologize for being so harsh on elements of his film , but it is presented so mean spiritedly that i ca n't help but feel like he had some serious intent .
as for the entire central theme of the movie , i 'm afraid that it 's one that i just do n't get .
i tried to keep an open mind while watching it , but the homosexual elements were just too prevalent for my tastes .
it was hard enough to watch them bash other races and sexes without them preaching about the virtues of being homosexual and accepted by society .
how does one expect to be accepted if they are just as guilty of non - acceptance ?
i 'm not prone to judging anyone and i believe that people should be free to explore whatever avenues they wish free from the scornful eye of society , but do n't force your particular rhetoric down my throat if you are n't going to show the same respect for my preferences that you wish from me .
again , maybe i 'm missing the satirical point that harmon is trying to make , but if so , i think it could have been handled a little more tactfully . as far as musical comedies go , isle of lesbos is no trey parker and matt stone musical , but a good portion of the songs are maddeningly catchy .
despite the disturbing visuals , " mom and apple pie " stuck with me for the rest of the day .
speaking of disturbing visuals , " wedding bells ai n't ringing " could have been a decent song , but the accompanying visuals of spousal abuse are more harrowing than this film should be displaying .
"
i 'm a lesbian " ( which is touted in the press release as being particularly popular ) is also pretty good , but a good portion of that could be due to the stellar singing voice of ms .
smith .
it 's mainly on her excellent vocals that my rating of this film is based .
the other performers are decent , save for the rosie o'donnell like performance given by danica sheridan .
i have no inherent problem with her character ; it is just her singing voice that leaves little to be desired .
one particular musical number , " lesbian rock " , was one of the lowest points i have ever experienced in my film - going life thanks to a strained and lackluster vocal job by sheridan .
the film ends about twenty minutes before the credits actually roll .
the remainder of the running time is padded out with a few more songs ( " lesbian rock " included ) and the ridiculously presented anti - nukes message tacked on to the end for no reason other than to make it a feature length film .
once the " isle of lesbos reprise " was reached , i felt the story had already been wrapped up well enough to end it all .
why was the film needlessly stretched out past its obvious end ?
isle of lesbos is available on videocassette from www .
indie - underground .
com .
the transfer is pretty clean ( and all the detail of the wrinkled cloth and paint backdrops are readily apparent ) and the film is letterboxed at approximately 1 .
85 : 1 .
in many respects , isle of lesbos has incredible cult potential ( like a rocky horror for the new millennium ) .
this film is by no means my cup of tea , but i know there are those out there who will enjoy it . if you think it might be for you , then by all means seek it out .
i , on the other hand , will be cleansing my palette with a good action film like gladiator . . .
wait .
are n't gladiator films considered to be . . .
oh , never mind .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: it was with a huge lack of something to do that i decided to watch this on good old upn on sunday afternoon , when the only good things on tv are the second - rate movies they show ( some are good : they showed " total recall " before this one ) . if you know me , i think seagal is probably the most boring action star to ever live .
and this includes keanu reeves .
what do i hate about seagal ?
i hate how he uses one facial expression for every single threatening and non - threatening situation ( the squint ) .
i hate those scenes in every movie where he goes around , bullying people up , saying stupid lines with a brooklyn accent more fake than burt reynold 's hairpiece in " boogie nights .
" i despise how he never gets a bruise
in any of his fights .
i hate how every single plot twist leads to just a melodramatic fight between he and the chief villain .
i hate his non - satirical messages ( in the beginning of this one , he slaps on a quote from arthur miller , which has nothing to do with the film , except it 's about brooklyn where this film takes place ) .
and i hate how he 's so narcissistic that he thinks that he can actually fucking sing
( during the end credits , he has a good old hill billy rock tune sung and penned by him ) .
sure , the guy 's probably a nice guy in person
( i actually found him very non - threatening when he was on letterman not too long ago ) .
but the guy makes worse films than reagan did .
so what 's the plot of this shit - terpiece ?
well .
. .
something about him trying to catch a stupid - ass crook ( william forsythe ) who shot and killed his partner in broad daylight .
i could n't believe how bad this scene was - the guy was conveniently with his family so we get the maximum emotional effect ( ahem ! ) .
and forsythe even said some stupid lines to him before he took off .
i 'm sorry , did anyone ever hear of concealing one 's self ?
so in comes ex - brooklynite seagal , who dedicates his life to catching this guy .
and i just wished he had caught him in the beginning , then ended the film .
but noooo ,
this drags on , as he bullies forsythe 's family members ( including a stupid bar - owner , and none other than gina gershon as his other bar - owner sister ) .
and forsythe more than once threatens his family .
at one point , he actually comes to their house and stalks them like a non - threatening nicholson in " the shining " ( complete with them all hiding in the bathroom , but with an added bonus of one girl conveniently loosing her cool and screaming to give them away ) .
seagal paints himself as a lovable person , with a son , and a fiancee .
he even shows him hanging with his son , checking up on his homework , and then about to take him out for a bit of " catch , " when he 's conveniently called away on assignment .
i dunno about you , but playing " catch " with seagal was one of my childhood nightmares .
he also shows him as that bad - ass he wants to be , with scenes of him bullying crooks around , and taking out people who are stupid enough to attack him even after he 's unarmed a chinese guy swinging bats with a pool cue .
serves them right .
this film , as some of his do , has an interesting supporting cast of actors who are actually talented , but do n't appear to be in this film .
i already mentioned gina gershon ( who 's pretty horrible in this one ) , as well as william forsythe , who over - acts terribly .
i know this guy can act : he was awesome in " raising arizona " as goodman 's partner in crime .
but he 's just awful here .
jerry orbach gives the only credible performance in the film as the police chief who checks up on segal after things have gone down .
why is he the only one who gives a good performance ?
well , because his role is small enough and sporadic enough to not tarnish his credibility .
he seems to be in here just to give it a cool " law and order " feeling ( even if it 's not a " cool " feeling ) .
and in cameos are b - rated erotic - thriller - cinemax - style stars , shannon whirry ( as " terry malloy , " which is more of a bad joke than a clever one ) and athena massey .
oh !
and " er " 's
julliana margiulles has two scenes .
" out for justice " just proves once again that american action films just suck .
i know that there 's such a good thing as good action - he 's called john woo .
but if you 're in the mood for some good old no - brainer , fun - yet - dumb action , do n't bother watching this .
it 's so stupid that it 's boring .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: uncompromising french director robert bresson 's " lancelot of the lake " achieves the exact opposite effect of sir thomas malory 's " morte darthur .
" instead of enshrining the legend of king arthur and his knights of the round table , it dethrones them by revealing arthur as a weak , ineffectual leader and the knights as a group of jealous , bickering men who failed to live up to the legends prescribed to them .
chivalry has no place in " lancelot of the lake , " except as that of a dying ideal .
bresson begins his tale as the knights of the round table are returning , decimated , after failing merlin 's command to retrieve the holy grail , the mystical cup that was filled with christ 's blood .
bresson immediately gives us his impression of the essential meaning of the grail quest : bloodshed and failure .
the opening sequence is a series of clumsy , disjointed fights amongst anonymous knights -- a head is hacked off , a stomach is impaled , a skull is split open , skeletal remains hang from trees , and
burning bodies smolder in the ruins of a flaming house .
since the film starts with camelot in near - ruin , and takes only an hour and a half to arrive at its inevitable conclusion , it does n't carry the grand , tragic resonance of other arthurian films .
we never get to see camelot at the peak of its power , therefore there is no real downfall to witness .
but , then again , it is not the name of camelot that is evoked in the title of the film .
rather , it is lancelot , and bresson is more interested in the internal battle within his heart , than the external downfall of a kingdom .
lancelot has always been a tragic figure in the arthurian tales , and bresson uses him as the central figure to explore the battle between the spirit and the flesh .
the greatest of all knights , he was flawed only in his love for arthur 's wife , queen guinevere , and it was that illicit affair that eventually caused the downfall of camelot .
even when lancelot attempts to end the affair with guinevere ( laura duke condominas ) , he only finds himself falling back into her arms against his better judgment .
he knows it means the destruction of the idealized kingdom , but he is powerless in his passion .
when sir mordred ( patrick bernhard ) accuses lancelot of the affair , other knights , including sir gawain ( humbert balsan ) spring to lancelot 's defense .
it is this battle within the knights that is the eventual undoing of the round table ; the flesh wins out over the spirit , and the consequences are dire .
bresson is an intensely personal filmmaker most interested in the interiors of men 's hearts and minds .
" lancelot of the lake " is filled with his particular trademarks : a stripped - down , minimalist style , flat , expressionless dialogue , and a grand use of natural sounds in place of music .
he uses background music only twice in the film , during an opening narration segment and during the opening credits .
the music here is a heavy drumbeat and accompanying bagpipes , but the rest of the film is scored with natural sounds that punctuate the film 's thematic elements : the incessant clanking and creaking of heavy armor , the neighing of horses , the rhythm of hooves beating down dirt roads , and the natural chirping and whispering of the forest .
like most of his other films , bresson employed nonprofessional actors who recite the dialogue in emotionless , flat voices .
all the actors he used in " lancelot of the lake " had never acted before , and with the exception of patrick bernhard , they never acted again .
never once do they raise their voices or put any emphasis on a given word .
instead of using vocal inflection , bresson strove to create emotion through images .
in some ways , this technique works ; in other ways , it does n't .
the final montage of arthur 's men battling each other is quite marvelous , and the final image of the knights in shining armor reduced to a literal scrap - pile sums up the entire film in one moment .
however , other times bresson 's uncompromising methods are distracting and questionable .
for instance , during an important jousting contest , bresson films the majority of the action so that the only things visible are the horses ' legs .
he does this repeatedly , opening each shot with the same few notes from a bagpipe and the raising of a different flag .
while there might be symbolic value in this , the resulting experience of watching it can be bothersome .
nevertheless , " lancelot of the lake " is a fascinating cinematic experience boldly made by a master filmmaker .
bresson 's style may not be for everyone , but one has to respect his strength as an artist .
by re - evaluating the arthurian legends and making them his own
, he turns " lancelot of the lake " into something rare in modern cinema : a truly personal film .

SOLUTION:
P