TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: in my opinion , a movie reviewer 's most important task is to offer an explanation for his opinion .
but with soul survivors , i 'm so full of critical rage that this review is liable to turn into a venomous , uncontrollable rant , obligations damned .
however , protocol forces me to do otherwise .
soul survivors tells the story of four college - bound friends : cassandra ( melissa sagemiller ) is sweet and innocent .
party girl annabel ( eliza dushku of bring it on ) is dating world - weary harvard student matt ( wes bentley ) .
matt still has feelings for cassie , who is now dating sean ( casey affleck ) .
driving back from a creepy , gothic party , the quartet gets into a horrific car crash .
sean dies , leaving cassie crestfallen and guilty , made worse because sean saw matt kiss cassie just minutes after sean revealed his love for her . as cassie mopes through her classes , she sees the ghost of sean all over the place , urging her to follow him .
along with being plagued by other ghastly visions , cassie is also followed by thugs from that strange party .
annabel and matt try calming her down , but no one shares cass 's visions .
she has to figure out this purgatory all by herself .
rarely have i seen a director
so thoroughly mishandle material .
in his directorial debut , steve carpenter does nothing to provoke the audience into feeling any emotion .
when the movie 's camerawork is n't pedestrian , it 's clich ?
d .
carpenter 's need for close - ups , his camera following sagemiller from behind , drain the movie of any anticipation .
we already know what to look for , so why should we be surprised ? and the sense of scary atmosphere , which was recently done so well in the others , is nowhere to be found here .
carpenter 's script relies on random twists and turns with a minimum of logic and loads of laziness .
this is a movie where the ending features one character providing an explanation about the plot to another character , which is one of the lamest screenwriting devices around .
the second lamest device , of course , is the , " oh , it was all a dream " resolution . and guess what ?
this movie has both ! not that the main body of the film , which has sagemiller constantly running in fear or having a nervous breakdown , is anything worthwhile .
since there 's no captivating dialogue , no character chemistry exists anywhere .
that 's a huge problem , since the four main characters are supposed to be couples .
carpenter ca n't even get the smutty scenes right , which are becoming more prevalent in pg-13 movies like bring it on and get over it .
[ the film was recently re - cut from an r rating to get more kids in the seats .
-ed . ]
when sagemiller and dushku dance together at a club , he rarely shows them in a full shot and he never keeps the camera on them for longer than a second before relating to some michael bay - style quick cuts .
and when sagemiller and dushku take a shower together after getting covered in paint , they 're fully clothed . regardless ,
any sexiness in that scene is undercut by its stupidity .
why would n't they wash the clothes in the sink or in the washing machine ?
why would they shower in their clothes ?
what if they were n't covered in latex paint ?
the cast , which will see better material in the future , would be wise to leave this one off their resumes .
i felt sorry for affleck , who i 've liked in other movies , and bentley , who was great in american beauty .
dushku , who possesses an alluring femme fetale quality , has got to stop taking roles belonging to rose mcgowan .
as for sagemiller ( star of the aforementioned get over it ) , i want to see her in a movie where she plays a person , and not an object for gawking .
and i 'm not even getting into luke wilson 's role as a priest .
at least he 's friends with wes anderson .
bottom line : soul survivors is so awful i feel compelled to knock on doors and warn people about it .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: it was with a huge lack of something to do that i decided to watch this on good old upn on sunday afternoon , when the only good things on tv are the second - rate movies they show ( some are good : they showed " total recall " before this one ) . if you know me , i think seagal is probably the most boring action star to ever live .
and this includes keanu reeves .
what do i hate about seagal ?
i hate how he uses one facial expression for every single threatening and non - threatening situation ( the squint ) .
i hate those scenes in every movie where he goes around , bullying people up , saying stupid lines with a brooklyn accent more fake than burt reynold 's hairpiece in " boogie nights .
" i despise how he never gets a bruise
in any of his fights .
i hate how every single plot twist leads to just a melodramatic fight between he and the chief villain .
i hate his non - satirical messages ( in the beginning of this one , he slaps on a quote from arthur miller , which has nothing to do with the film , except it 's about brooklyn where this film takes place ) .
and i hate how he 's so narcissistic that he thinks that he can actually fucking sing
( during the end credits , he has a good old hill billy rock tune sung and penned by him ) .
sure , the guy 's probably a nice guy in person
( i actually found him very non - threatening when he was on letterman not too long ago ) .
but the guy makes worse films than reagan did .
so what 's the plot of this shit - terpiece ?
well .
. .
something about him trying to catch a stupid - ass crook ( william forsythe ) who shot and killed his partner in broad daylight .
i could n't believe how bad this scene was - the guy was conveniently with his family so we get the maximum emotional effect ( ahem ! ) .
and forsythe even said some stupid lines to him before he took off .
i 'm sorry , did anyone ever hear of concealing one 's self ?
so in comes ex - brooklynite seagal , who dedicates his life to catching this guy .
and i just wished he had caught him in the beginning , then ended the film .
but noooo ,
this drags on , as he bullies forsythe 's family members ( including a stupid bar - owner , and none other than gina gershon as his other bar - owner sister ) .
and forsythe more than once threatens his family .
at one point , he actually comes to their house and stalks them like a non - threatening nicholson in " the shining " ( complete with them all hiding in the bathroom , but with an added bonus of one girl conveniently loosing her cool and screaming to give them away ) .
seagal paints himself as a lovable person , with a son , and a fiancee .
he even shows him hanging with his son , checking up on his homework , and then about to take him out for a bit of " catch , " when he 's conveniently called away on assignment .
i dunno about you , but playing " catch " with seagal was one of my childhood nightmares .
he also shows him as that bad - ass he wants to be , with scenes of him bullying crooks around , and taking out people who are stupid enough to attack him even after he 's unarmed a chinese guy swinging bats with a pool cue .
serves them right .
this film , as some of his do , has an interesting supporting cast of actors who are actually talented , but do n't appear to be in this film .
i already mentioned gina gershon ( who 's pretty horrible in this one ) , as well as william forsythe , who over - acts terribly .
i know this guy can act : he was awesome in " raising arizona " as goodman 's partner in crime .
but he 's just awful here .
jerry orbach gives the only credible performance in the film as the police chief who checks up on segal after things have gone down .
why is he the only one who gives a good performance ?
well , because his role is small enough and sporadic enough to not tarnish his credibility .
he seems to be in here just to give it a cool " law and order " feeling ( even if it 's not a " cool " feeling ) .
and in cameos are b - rated erotic - thriller - cinemax - style stars , shannon whirry ( as " terry malloy , " which is more of a bad joke than a clever one ) and athena massey .
oh !
and " er " 's
julliana margiulles has two scenes .
" out for justice " just proves once again that american action films just suck .
i know that there 's such a good thing as good action - he 's called john woo .
but if you 're in the mood for some good old no - brainer , fun - yet - dumb action , do n't bother watching this .
it 's so stupid that it 's boring .

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: capsule : not as bad a sequel as crow 2 or batman & robin , but still horribly putrid , cheesy and ill - conceived .
this one belongs in saturday morning cartoons . . .
extended review : you know , about halfway through this movie , i realized that if you hacked out everything except the fight scenes , you 'd have a damn fine 35 minutes or so of flashy , hong kong style martial arts .
beautifully choreographed by robin shou , who also plays liu kang , the fight scenes are both mind - blowing and graceful , acrobatic enough to make olympic gymnasts weep .
this is what made the original so fun , but
unfortunately for the sequel , we are without the frenetic directorial style of paul anderson .
instead , they got john r .
leonetti , the cinematographer for the original mortal kombat . not a good choice .
while the fight scenes are brutal and eye - popping , the rest of the movie looks like standard made for tv fare .
the acting is sub - par , which i could endure if it were not for a . )
the director 's style , b . )
the special effects , & c . )
the treatment of the story and characters .
a . )
mr .
leonetti should go back to lighting , in my opinion .
i could say dozens of bad things about him :
he way overuses slow - motion
, he has no eye for action , he ca n't get even mediocre performances out of actors , and so on .
but by far his worst move was the way he treated jumping .
apparantly , everybody can now fly .
hell , i 'm all for the occaisional gravity defying flip kick and whatnot , but not when it happens every few minutes , and is done so poorly .
better jumping and acrobatics has been seen in xena : warrior princess .
in short , they should have gotten paul anderson back .
or at least let robin shou direct . . .
b . )
unlike the first one , whose sfx were vibrant and somewhat realistic , mk : a 's special effects are bland , fake looking , and overall just plain bad
.
i counted at least half a dozen times that blue - screening was painfully obvious .
had this movie been made in the 80 's , it would have been ground - breaking .
but in today 's industry , it does n't even look finished .
c . )
now for
the _ really _ bad parts .
i admit , i 'm an avid fan of the mortal kombat series .
the games are amusing diversions , an easy way to work off stress and anger .
the first movie was a mindlessly fun thrillride .
this could have been a really cool movie .
it is n't .
the writers apparantly deemed it necessary to lower the target audience from teens to preschoolers .
some of the plot elements are just plain stupid .
how stupid ?
take , for instance , how our heroes move around .
they use giants spheres the roll around underground , supposedly at thousands of miles per hour . . .
oh boy . . .
even worse is the treatment of secondary characters .
blink and you 'll miss 'em .
most characters had more depth in the video games .
if you thought batman & robin was bad about this , you ai n't seen nothin' yet .
a good 75 % of the characters are introduced , kick somebody around a bit , then either die or are forgotten about .
there 's no explanation at all for this .
and for the final blasphemy , the fight that all the fans were waiting rabidly for , the fight hyped to be the most intricate of the movie , lasted about 3 minutes and then just sort of . . . ended .
it almost made me weep . to sum it all up , rent it on video , and fast - forward through everything except the fight scenes .

SOLUTION:
N