TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you must classify if a given review is positive/negative, indicating your answer as P or N.
PROBLEM: sandra bullock in high heels and wielding a chainsaw ?
yup , it 's got ta be summer .
just when you thought the pointless sequel had gone the way of franchise films and direct - to - video releases , into port slams speed 2 : cruise control , the gloriously godawful follow - up to the 1994 sleeper about a bus rigged to explode if it slowed below a certain speed .
the gimmick , this time , is an ocean liner rigged to , well , crash into stuff .
sound exciting ?
dennis hopper 's disgruntled bomb squader , the villain of the first film , has given way to willem dafoe 's disgruntled computer programmer , a maniac whose main beef has something to do with having to use live leeches , i kid you not , as a self - treatment for copper
poison- ing .
( and said poisoning induced by prolonged exposure to electro- magnetic fields , no less !
calling dean edell . . . )
so , he overrides the boat 's computer , convinces the crew to abandon ship , and sends the remaining passengers , those who could n't evacuate in time , on a col- lision course with destiny .
( oddly , no one thinks to just . . .
jump off the back of the boat . )
with keanu reeves electing not to return--
perhaps he read the script ?
-- the job of john mcclane goes to jason patric ( sleepers ) , as the * second * la cop and swat team member that that bus drivin ' babe annie ( bullock ) has dated .
( what are the odds ? )
they 're on this caribbean cruise for pleasure , as are a handful of requisite stock characters , including a deaf teenager
( ! ) who has a crush on the hero
( ! ! ) who also knows how to sign
( ! ! ! ) .
( and you thought the raptor slam was a cool summer movie move ?
wait till you see the feats that * this * little girl can do , when stuck on a shipboard elevator ! )
bullock is her pesky , perky self , though she ends up with far less screen time than her top billing suggests .
( those paying attention to her bikini-
and tank- tops probably wo n't complain , however ) patric is the main man in motion and that 's damn good , 'cause when he stops to talk , he 's only slightly less monotone than his predecessor .
( his first lol line is to ms .
bullock :
" i 'd like to boogie with you .
" ) of course , nobody in front of the camera embarrasses themselves quite the way that returning director jan de bont does .
he also produced this mess , which is insulting even by the most lax summer standards .
( con air , buddy , father 's day , romy and michelle 's high school reunion , murder at 1600 , 8 heads in a duffle bag , anaconda , vegas vacation , meet wally sparks , metro , bevery hills ninja , the relic , all is forgiven ) .
worse , he 's spent a hundred mil on a premise that does n't even live up to its title !
there 's no sweat - inducing motion of the ocean here-- just two hours of shaky handheld camera work and a handful of cross - cut exteriors , all leading up to the big slam , when the love boat sideswipes an oil tanker and then plows into a harbor town .
( oh , how far we 've come in twenty years .
remember the simple fun of seeing a locomotive smash into railway station in the silver streak ? )
admittedly , either of the aforementioned sequences is worth the price of admission .
it 's just the rest of the movie-- the other hundred or so minutes-- that 's pure nonsense .
and wonderful nonsense at that .
i know he did n't intend to , but de bont has done one thing right : he 's created the hands - down funniest film of the year .
so , now , allow to present a few more things that made me laugh :
o a box with a big label :
" fiber optic converter " o plain english , whole - sentence computer instructions o an entire sequence devoted to opening a fire door o jason patric 's character walks onto the bridge and immediately understands everything that 's happening o a ships ' navigator who speaks in a scottish accent and actually gets to say " i canna override it !
"
o willem dafoe 's amazing arm - mounted keyboard o two living , breathing adults ( bullock 's character and the first mate ) who have to be told , step by step , how to disconnect a trip wire from the pin of a hand grenade .
duh
o " no wait !
"
screams
the ship 's intercom o
yet another damn dog in peril
o fishing reel .
pontoon plane .
memories of weekend at bernie 's

SOLUTION: N

PROBLEM: with his last two films - shine and snow falling on cedars - australian director scott hicks has proven his cinematic flashbacks to be some of the best out there , and his latest , hearts in atlantis , is no different .
its structure - beginning and ending in present day with one long flashback in the middle - is similar to the green mile , which is a bit ironic considering both were based on stephen king books .
the parallels do n't end there , either .
atlantis was adapted by william goldman , who had previously penned the big - screen version of misery and is in the process of working on the script for king 's dreamcatcher .
even the film 's content is a bit reminiscent of mile .
in fact , it 's the perfect blend of the feel - good ' 60s nostalgia of stand by me ( also by king ) and mystical power hokum of mile .
king 's atlantis is a book comprised of five related short stories , but the main focus here is on the first ( and longest ) tale , called low men in yellow coats ( the film 's title comes from the second chapter ) .
it 's set in 1960 harwich , connecticut , where 11-year - old bobby garfield ( anton yelchin )
lives in a boarding house run by his cold , self - centered mother elizabeth ( hope davis , joe gould 's secret ) , who seems to care more about her wardrobe than her son .
bobby spends his time with his two closest friends , john sullivan ( will rothhaar ) and tomboy carol gerber ( mika boorem ) , who become something like the kevin , paul and winnie of harwich .
when a new tenant moves into the vacant room , the fatherless bobby finds a male role model in ted brautigan ( anthony hopkins , hannibal ) , a mysterious stranger who is vague enough about his past to make bobby 's mom suspicious enough to at least momentarily turn her head away from the mirror .
ted teaches his young neighbor about the wonders of literature ( after his cheapskate mother gives him a library card for his birthday ) , dispenses prophetic words of wisdom and even pays bobby one dollar a week to read him the local newspaper and keep his eyes peeled for the low men , a group of people chasing ted to exploit his special powers .
i wo n't go into what these powers are , but they 're considerably toned down from the book ( and do n't involve black stuff flying out of ted 's mouth , a la mile ) .
atlantis ' present - day setting which bookends the film is based on the novel 's final chapter , titled heavenly shades of night are falling , and features david morse ( in yet another connection to the green mile ) as a married , middle - aged bobby who learns of the death of both of his childhood friends and returns to the dilapidated boarding house in which he spent his formative years .
atlantis is nowhere near as flashy as hicks ' cedars , which is disappointing but understandable considering the switch from the completely amazing robert richardson to the occasionally amazing piotr sobocinski , the oscar - nominated cinematographer behind krzysztof kieslowski 's red .
the acting is solid from everyone , including hopkins , who never once makes you think of dr .
lecter .
most impressive are youngsters yelchin and boorem , who both had tiny parts in along came a spider .
while i did n't really have much of a problem with goldman 's screenplay , i do need to point out at least one inconsistency .
goldman , for those of you who do n't read premiere , writes what seems like an annual criticism of everybody else 's films , carefully explaining why they all suck , make no sense and insult their audiences , while somehow failing to mention the crap that he 's penned ( like the general 's daughter ) .
it 's mean - spirited but fun to read , mostly on account of nobody else in hollywood having the balls to say anything remotely negative about anybody else in the business ( including michael jackson , o .
j . and robert blake ) .
in atlantis , which is supposed to be told through the eyes of young bobby , one would assume he would have to be in each scene in order to have the memory to which to flash back .
well , he 's not , and it does n't make sense .
1
: 41 - pg-13 for violence and thematic elements

SOLUTION: P

PROBLEM: the " fab 4 " of ronald reagan high are four stuck - up girls , played by rose mcgowan , rebecca gayheart , julie benz and charlotte roldan , who overdress like 4 posh spice wannabes .
their daily ritual is to parade up and down the school halls like royalty , and their constant reflex action is to grab their compacts so they can check their make - up and powder their cheeks .
under no circumstances will they ever let themselves be seen eating in public .
in writer and director darren stein 's jawbreaker , it is n't as funny as it sounds .
in fact , it is n't funny at all .
stein has taken the black comedy of a teen movie like heathers and stripped it of any intelligence , wit or charm .
his actresses toss off their lines so fast that they do n't have time to add any emotion .
and all of his female characters have considerably more lipstick than brains .
the setup for the movie has one of the fab 4 , liz , who is referred to as " the princess di of reagan high , " be killed when a prank by the other 3 goes wrong .
the princess di reference is in bad taste , as is much of the movie .
granted , bad taste can sometimes be funny , but the mere presence of bad taste does n't guarantee it .
liz 's girlfriends stick a jawbreaker that is literally larger than a golf ball in her mouth , tape her mouth shut , and stick her bound body in the trunk of a car .
when they open the trunk later , liz is dead .
they eventually put her blue and bruised body into a sexual position and make it look like liz was the victim of a brutal rape .
these realistic and disgusting scenes of a dead , seminude teen have a pornographic feeling that is hard to forget and will likely turn the stomach of many a viewer .
the film 's dialog
not only is n't funny , it 's trite .
one nerdy young girl introduces herself with " my name is fern mayo , as in hold the mayo .
"
when fern discovers what has happened , the fab 3 make her an offer she ca n't refuse -- make - up !
they cake it on her and welcome her to the clan .
the parents in the movie brag about learning parenting skills from watching oprah .
the teachers fare no better , especially in the ridiculous lines they are given .
" miss shayne , please cover your bosom , " one young teacher , who has been made up to look old and ugly , says without any conviction .
"
this is a learning institution , not a brothel .
" besides the obvious question of why this movie was ever made , there is one other question that i 'd like to ask the director .
why do you have a phone number start with 555 if you going to cover the rest of the number anyway ?
in a cameo , pam grier plays detective vera cruz , who investigates liz 's murder .
as she interrogates the other people , she stares at them like they are all idiots , proving that she is the only one that gets it .
i am sure that if the hard nosed detective cruz were to see this movie , she 'd walk out after about 5 minutes , and you 'd be well advised to do the same if you should happen to find yourself in a theater showing it .
jawbreaker runs 1 : 27 .
it is rated r for violence , gore , profanity and sex .
i would advise everyone to avoid it , but if teenagers go they should be older and mature .

SOLUTION:
N