Produced by Juliet Sutherland Charles Franksand the Online Distributed Proofreading TeamA FOOL AND HIS MONEYBYGEORGE BARR McCUTCHEONCONTENTSCHAPTERI I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELFII I DEFEND MY PROPERTYIII I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERYIV I BECOME AN ANCESTORV I MEET THE FOE AND FALLVI I DISCUSS MATRIMONYVII I RECEIVE VISITORSVIII I RESORT TO DIPLOMACYIX I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNERX I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMYXI I AM INVITED TO LEND MONEYXII I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVEXIII I VISIT AND AM VISITEDXIV I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HEROXV I TRAVERSE THE NIGHTXVI I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGEXVII I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGSXVIII I SPEED THE PARTING GUESTXIX I BURN A FEW BRIDGESXX I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTSXXI SHE PROPOSESILLUSTRATIONSIn the aperture stood my amazing neighbour   FrontispieceI found myself staring as if stupefied at the white figure of a womanwho stood in the topmost balconyI sat bolt upright and yelled Get outWe faced each other across the bowl of rosesUp to that moment I had wondered whether I could do it with my left handCHAPTER II MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELFI am quite sure it was my Uncle Rilas who said that I was a fool Ifmemory serves me well he relieved himself of that conviction in thepresence of my motherwhose brother he wasat a time when I wasleast competent to acknowledge _his_ wisdom and most arrogant inasserting my own I was a freshman in college a factor conditionperhapswhich should serve as an excuse for both of us I possessedanother uncle incidentally and while I am now convinced that he musthave felt as Uncle Rilas did about it he was one of those who sufferin silence The nearest he ever got to openly resenting me as a freshmanwas when he admitted as if it were a crime that he too had been incollege and knew less when he came out than when he entered Which wasa mild way of putting it I am sure considering the fact that heremained there for twentythree years as a distinguished member of thefacultyI assume therefore that it was Uncle Rilas who orally convicted mean assumption justified to some extent by putting two and two togetherafter the poor old gentleman was laid away for his long sleep He hadbeen very emphatic in his belief that a fool and his money are soonparted Up to the time of his death I had been in no way qualified todispute this ancient theory In theory no doubt I was the kind offool he referred to but in practice I was quite an untried noviceIt is very hard for even a fool to part with something he hasnt gotTrue I parted with the little I had at college with noteworthypromptness about the middle of each term but that could hardly havebeen called a fair test for the adage Not until Uncle Rilas died andleft me all of his money was I able to demonstrate that only dead menand fools part with it The distinction lies in the capacity forenjoyment while the sensation lasts Dead men part with it becausethey have to fools because they want toIn any event Uncle Rilas did not leave me his money until my freshmandays were far behind me wherein lies the solace that he may haveoutgrown an opinion while I was going through the same process Attwentythree I confessed that _all_ freshmen were insufferableand immediately afterward took my degree and went out into the worldto convince it that seniors are by no means adolescent Havingsuccessfully passed the age of reason I too felt myself admirablyqualified to look with scorn upon all creatures employed in the businessof getting an education There were times when I wondered how on earthI could have stooped so low as to be a freshman I still have thedisquieting fear that my uncle did not modify his opinion of me untilI was thoroughly over being a senior You will note that I do not sayhe changed his opinion Modify is the wordHis original estimate of me as a freshman of coursewas utteredwhen I at the age of eighteen picked out my walk in life so tospeak After considering everything I decided to be a literary manA novelist or a playwright I hadnt much of a choice between the twoor perhaps a journalist Being a journalist of course was preliminarya sort of makeshift At any rate I was going to be a writer My UncleRilas a hardheaded customer who had read Scott as a boy and the WallStreet news as a manwithout being misled by eitherwas scornfulHe said that I would outgrow it there was some consolation in thatHe even admitted that when he was seventeen he wanted to be an actorThere you are said he I declared there was a great difference betweenbeing an actor and being a writer Only handsome men can be actorswhile Iwell by nature I was doomed to be nothing more engaging thana novelist who doesnt have to spoil an illusion by showing himselfin publicBesides I argued novelists make a great deal of money and playwrightstoo for that matter He said in reply that an ordinarily vigorouswasherwoman could make more money than the average novelist and shealways had a stocking without a hole to keep it in which was more tothe pointNow that I come to think of it it _was_ Uncle Rilas who oracularlyprejudged me and not Uncle John who was by way of being a sort ofliterary chap himself and therefore lamentably unqualified to guideme in any course whatsoever especially as he had all he could do tokeep his own wolf at bay without encouraging mine and who besidesteaching good English loved it wisely and too well I think UncleRilas would have held Uncle John up to me as an examplea scarecrowyou might sayif it hadnt been for the fact that he loved him inspite of his English He must have loved me in spite of mineMy mother felt in her heart that I ought to be a doctor