THE LADY OF THE DECORATIONByFRANCES LITTLETO ALL GOOD SISTERS AND TO MINE IN PARTICULARThe Lady of the DecorationSAN FRANCISCO July 30 1901My dearest MateBehold a soldier on the eve of battle  I am writing this in a stuffylittle hotel room and I dont dare stop whistling for a minute Youcould cover my courage with a postage stamp In the morning I sail forthe Flowery Kingdom and if the roses are waiting to strew my path itis more than they have done here for the past few years  When thetrain pulled out from home and I saw that crowd of loving tearfulfaces fading away I believe that for a few moments I realized theactual bitterness of death I was leaving everything that was dear tome on earth and going out into the dark unknown aloneOf course its for the best the disagreeable always is You areresponsible my beloved cousin and the consequences be on yourhead You thought my salvation lay in leaving Kentucky and seeking myfortune in strange lands Your tender sensibilities shrank from havingme exposed to the world as a young widow who is not sorry So youshipped me somewheres East of Suez and tied me up with a fouryears contractBut honor bright Mate I dont believe in your heart you can blameme for not being sorry I stuck it out to the lastfaced neglecthumiliations and days and nights of anguish almost losing myselfrespect in my effort to fulfil my duty But when death suddenlyput an end to it all God alone knows what a relief it was  And howcuriously it has all turned out First my taking the Kindergartencourse just to please you and to keep my mind off things that oughtnot to have been Then my sudden release from bondage and thedreadful manner of it my awkward position my dependenceand in themidst of it all this sudden offer to go to Japan and teach in aMission schoolIsnt it ridiculous Mate Was there ever anything so absurd as my lotbeing cast with a band of missionaries  I who have never missed aKentucky Derby since I was old enough to know a bay from a sorrel Iguess old Sister Fate doesnt want me to be a one part star Foreighteen years I played pure comedy then tragedy for seven and now Iam cast for a character partNobody will ever know what it cost me to come All of them were soterribly opposed to it but it seems to me that I have spent my entirelife going against the wishes of my family Yet I would lay down mylife for any one of them How they have stood by me and loved methrough all my blind blunders Id back my mistakes against anybodyelses in the worldThen Mate there was Jack You know how it has always been withJack When I was a little girl on up to the time I was married afterthat he never even looked it but just stood by me and helped me likea brick If it hadnt been for you and for him I should have put anend to myself long ago But now that I am free Jack has begun rightwhere he left off seven years ago It is all worse than useless I ameverlastingly through with love and sentiment Of course we all knowthat Jack is the salt of the earth and it nearly kills me to give himpain but he will get over it they always do and I would rather forhim to convalesce without me than with me  I made him promise not towrite me a line and he just looked at me in that quiet quizzical wayand said All right but you just remember that Im waiting untilyou are ready to begin life over again with meWhy it would be a death blow to all his hopes if he married me Mywidows mite consists of a wrecked life a few debts and a worldlynotion that a brilliant young doctor like himself has no right tothrow away all his chances in order to establish a small hospital forincurable children Whenever I think of his giving up thatlongcherished dream of studying in Germany and buying ground for thehospital instead I just gnash my teethOh I know that you think it is grand and noble and that I am horridto feel as I do Maybe I am At any rate you will acknowledge that Ihave done the right thing for once in coming away I seem to have beena general blot on the landscape and with your help I have erasedmyself In the meanwhile I wish to Heaven my heart would ossifyThe sole power that keeps me going now is your belief in me You havealways claimed that I was worth something in spite of the fact that Ihave persistently proven that I was not  Dont you shudder at therisk you are taking Think of the responsibility of standing for me ina Board of Missions  Ill stay bottled up as tight as I know how butsuppose the cork _should_ flyPoor Mate the Lord was unkind when he gave me to you for a cousinWell its done and by the time you get this I will probably be wellon my seasick way I cant trust myself to send any messages to thefamily I dont even dare send my love to you  I am a soldier ladyand I salute my officerON SHIPBOARD August 8th 1901Its so windy that I can scarcely hold the paper down but Ill makethe effort The first night I came aboard I had everything tomyself There were eighty cabin passengers and I was the only lady ondeck It was very rough but I stayed up as long as I could The bluedevils were swarming so thick around me that I didnt want to fightthem in the close quarters of my stateroom But at last I had to gobelow and the night that followed was a terror Such a storm raged asI had never dreamed of