GitHub repository: rprokap/entremanure
Primary language: HTML
Created: 2020-03-10T22:52:09Z
Description:  Once upon a time there was a lovely                           princess. But she had an enchantment                           upon her of a fearful sort which could                           only be broken by love's first kiss.                           She was locked away in a castle guarded                           by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.                           Many brave knights had attempted to                           free her from this dreadful prison,                           but non prevailed. She waited in the                           dragon's keep in the highest room of                           the tallest tower for her true love                           and true love's first kiss. (laughs)                           Like that's ever gonna happen. What                           a load of - (toilet flush)                  Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his                 day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go                 after the ogre.                  NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME                                       MAN1                          Think it's in there?                                       MAN2                          All right. Let's get it!                                       MAN1                          Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that                           thing can do to you?                                        MAN3                          Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's                           bread.                  Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.                                       SHREK                          Yes, well, actually, that would be a                           giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.                           They'll make a suit from your freshly                           peeled skin.                                        MEN                          No!                                       SHREK                          They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the                           jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's                           quite good on toast.                                        MAN1                          Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!                           (waves the torch at Shrek.)                  Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The                 men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long                 and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the                 men are in the dark.                                        SHREK                          This is the part where you run away.                           (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)                           And stay out! (looks down and picks                           up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.                           Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and                           throws the paper over his shoulder.)                                            THE NEXT DAY                 There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard                 sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures                 to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line                 are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto                 who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three                 little pigs.                                        GUARD                          All right. This one's full. Take it                           away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!                                                                  HEAD GUARD                          Next!                                       GUARD                          (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!                           Your flying days are over. (breaks the                           broom in half)                                        HEAD GUARD                          That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.                           Next!                                        GUARD                          Get up! Come on!                                       HEAD GUARD                          Twenty pieces.                                       LITTLE BEAR                          (crying) This cage is too small.                                       DONKEY                          Please, don't turn me in. I'll never                           be stubborn again. I can change. Please!                           Give me another chance!                                        OLD WOMAN                          Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)                                       DONKEY                          Oh!                                       HEAD GUARD                          Next! What have you got?                                       GIPETTO                          This little wooden puppet.                                       PINOCCHIO                          I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his                           nose grows)                                        HEAD GUARD                          Five shillings for the possessed toy.                           Take it away.                                        PINOCCHIO                          Father, please! Don't let them do this!                           Help me!                  Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up                 to the table.                                        HEAD GUARD                          Next! What have you got?                                       OLD WOMAN                          Well, I've got a talking donkey.                                       HEAD GUARD                          Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,                           if you can prove it.                                        OLD WOMAN                          Oh, go ahead, little fella.                 Donkey just looks up at her.                                       HEAD GUARD                          Well?                                       OLD WOMAN                          Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little                           nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.                           Talk, you boneheaded dolt...                                        HEAD GUARD                          That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!                                                                  OLD WOMAN                          No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends                           to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to                           talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing                           you ever saw.                                        HEAD GUARD                          Get her out of my sight.                                       OLD WOMAN                          No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!                 The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One                 of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's                 hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled                 with fairy dust and he's able to fly.                                        DONKEY                          Hey! I can fly!                                       PETER PAN                          He can fly!                                       3 LITTLE PIGS                          He can fly!                                       HEAD GUARD                          He can talk!                                       DONKEY                          Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm                           a flying, talking donkey. You might                           have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly                           but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey                           fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins                           to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink                           to the ground.)                  He hits the ground with a thud.                                       HEAD GUARD                          Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)                           After him!                                        GUARDS                          He's getting away! Get him! This way!                           Turn!                  Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.                 Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared                 for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He                 quickly hides behind Shrek.                                        HEAD GUARD                          You there. Ogre!                                       SHREK                          Aye?                                       HEAD GUARD                          By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized                           to place you both under arrest and transport                           you to a designated resettlement facility.                                                                  SHREK                          Oh, really? You and what army?                 He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well                 and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail                 and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and                 begins walking back to his cottage.                                        DONKEY                          Can I say something to you? Listen,                           you was really, really, really somethin'                           back here. Incredible!                                        SHREK                          Are you talkin' to...(he turns around                           and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back                           around and Donkey is right in front                           of him.) Whoa!                                        DONKEY                          Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell                           you that you that you was great back                           here? Those guards! They thought they                           was all of that. Then you showed up,                           and bam! They was trippin' over themselves                           like babes in the woods. That really                           made me feel good to see that.                                        SHREK                          Oh, that's great. Really.                                       DONKEY                          Man, it's good to be free.                                       SHREK                          Now, why don't you go celebrate your                           freedom with your own friends? Hmm?                                                                  DONKEY                          But, uh, I don't have any friends. And                           I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,                           wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll                           stick with you. You're mean, green,                           fightin' machine. Together we'll scare                           the spit out of anybody that crosses                           us.                  Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very                 loudly.                                        DONKEY                          Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you                           don't mind me sayin', if that don't                           work, your breath certainly will get                           the job done, 'cause you definitely                           need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause                           you breath stinks! You almost burned                           the hair outta my nose, just like the                           time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey                           continues to talk, so Shrek removes                           his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten                           berries. I had strong gases leaking                           out of my butt that day.                                        SHREK                          Why are you following me?                                       DONKEY                          I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause                           I'm all alone, There's no one here beside                           me, My problems have all gone, There's                           no one to deride me, But you gotta have                           faith...                                        SHREK                          Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't                           have any friends.                                        DONKEY                          Wow. Only a true friend would be that                           cruelly honest.                                        SHREK                          Listen, little donkey. Take a look at                           me. What am I?                                        DONKEY                          (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really                           tall?                                        SHREK                          No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your                           torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that                           bother you?                                        DONKEY                          Nope.                                       SHREK                          Really?                                       DONKEY                          Really, really.                                       SHREK                          Oh.                                       DONKEY                          Man, I like you. What's you name?                                       SHREK                          Uh, Shrek.                                       DONKEY                          Shrek? Well, you know what I like about                           you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me                           thing. I like that. I respect that,                           Shrek. You all right. (They come over                           a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)                           Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live                           in place like that?                                        SHREK                          That would be my home.                                       DONKEY                          Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.                           You know you are quite a decorator.                           It's amazing what you've done with such                           a modest budget. I like that boulder.                           That is a nice boulder. I guess you                           don't entertain much, do you?                                        SHREK                          I like my privacy.                                       DONKEY                          You know, I do too. That's another thing                           we have in common. Like I hate it when                           you got somebody in your face. You've                           trying to give them a hint, and they                           won't leave. There's that awkward silence.                           (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?                                                                  SHREK                          Uh, what?                                       DONKEY                          Can I stay with you, please?                                       SHREK                          (sarcastically) Of course!                                       DONKEY                          Really?                                       SHREK                          No.                                       DONKEY                          Please! I don't wanna go back there!                           You don't know what it's like to be                           considered a freak. (pause while he                           looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.                           But that's why we gotta stick together.                           You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!                                                                  SHREK                          Okay! Okay! But one night only.                                       DONKEY                          Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)                                                                  SHREK                          What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto                           a chair.) No! No!                                        DONKEY                          This is gonna be fun! We can stay up                           late, swappin' manly stories, and in                           the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.                                        SHREK                          Oh!                                       DONKEY                          Where do, uh, I sleep?                                       SHREK                          (irritated) Outside!                                       DONKEY                          Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,                           I don't know you, and you don't know                           me, so I guess outside is best, you                           know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek                           slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do                           like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was                           born outside. I'll just be sitting by                           myself outside, I guess, you know. By                           myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's                           no one here beside me...                  SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT                 Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights                 a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a                 noise. He stands up with a huff.                                        SHREK                          (to Donkey) I thought I told you to                           stay outside.                                        DONKEY                          (from the window) I am outside.                 There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that                 made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns                 and spots 3 blind mice on his table.                                        BLIND MOUSE1                          Well, gents, it's a far cry from the                           farm, but what choice do we have?                                                                  BLIND MOUSE2                          It's not home, but it'll do just fine.                                                                  GORDO                          (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.                                                                  SHREK                          Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes                           and lands on his shoulder.)                                        GORDO                          I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's                           ear)                                        SHREK                          Ow!                                       GORDO                          Blah! Awful stuff.                                       BLIND MOUSE1                          Is that you, Gordo?                                       GORDO                          How did you know?                                       SHREK                          Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are                           you doing in my house? (He gets bumped                           from behind and he drops the mice.)                           Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves                           with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,                           no, no. Dead broad off the table.                                                                  DWARF                          Where are we supposed to put her? The                           bed's taken.                                        SHREK                          Huh?                 Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.                 The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at                 him.                                        BIG BAD WOLF                          What?                 TIME LAPSE                 Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging                 him to the front door.                                        SHREK                          I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm                           a terrifying ogre! What do I have to                           do get a little privacy? (He opens the                           front door to throw the Wolf out and                           he sees that all the collected Fairy                           Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,                           no. No! No!                  The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his                 pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing                 flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.                                                        SHREK                          What are you doing in my swamp? (this                           echoes and everyone falls silent.)                                            Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a                 tent.                                        SHREK                          All right, get out of here. All of you,                           move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!                           Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more                           dwarves run inside the house) No, no!                           No, no. Not there. Not there. (they                           shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to                           look at Donkey)                                        DONKEY                          Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite                           them.                                        PINOCCHIO                          Oh, gosh, no one invited us.                                       SHREK                          What?                                       PINOCCHIO                          We were forced to come here.                                       SHREK                          (flabbergasted) By who?                                       LITTLE PIG                          Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed                           and he...signed an eviction notice.                                                                  SHREK                          (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where                           this Farquaad guy is?                  Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.                                       DONKEY                          Oh, I do. I know where he is.                                       SHREK                          Does anyone else know where to find                           him? Anyone at all?                                        DONKEY                          Me! Me!                                       SHREK                          Anyone?                                       DONKEY                          Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!                           Me, me!                                        SHREK                          (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy                           tale things. Do not get comfortable.                           Your welcome is officially worn out.                           In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad                           right now and get you all off my land                           and back where you came from! (Pause.                           Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)                           You! You're comin' with me.                                        DONKEY                          All right, that's what I like to hear,                           man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart                           friends, off on a whirlwind big-city                           adventure. I love it!                                        DONKEY                          (singing) On the road again. Sing it                           with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get                           on the road again.                                        SHREK                          What did I say about singing?                                       DONKEY                          Can I whistle?                                       SHREK                          No.                                       DONKEY                          Can I hum it?                                       SHREK                          All right, hum it.                 Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.                 DULOC - KITCHEN                 A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually                 dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.                                        FARQUAAD                          That's enough. He's ready to talk.                                            The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down                 onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the                 table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes                 up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.                                                        FARQUAAD                          (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs                           and plays with them) Run, run, run,                           as fast as you can. You can't catch                           me. I'm the gingerbread man.                                        GINGERBREAD MAN                          You are a monster.                                       FARQUAAD                          I'm not the monster here. You are. You                           and the rest of that fairy tale trash,                           poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell                           me! Where are the others?                                        GINGERBREAD MAN                          Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's                           eye.)                                        FARQUAAD                          I've tried to be fair to you creatures.                           Now my patience has reached its end!                           Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to                           pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)                                                                  GINGERBREAD MAN                          No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop                           buttons.                                        FARQUAAD                          All right then. Who's hiding them?                                                                  GINGERBREAD MAN                          Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the                           muffin man?                                        FARQUAAD                          The muffin man?                                       GINGERBREAD MAN                          The muffin man.                                       FARQUAAD                          Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives                           on Drury Lane?                                        GINGERBREAD MAN                          Well, she's married to the muffin man.                                                                  FARQUAAD                          The muffin man?                                       GINGERBREAD MAN                          The muffin man!                                       FARQUAAD                          She's married to the muffin man.                 The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.                                       HEAD GUARD                          My lord! We found it.                                       FARQUAAD                          Then what are you waiting for? Bring                           it in.                  More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.                 They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic                 Mirror.                                        GINGERBREAD MAN                          (in awe) Ohhhh...                                       FARQUAAD                          Magic mirror...                                       GINGERBREAD MAN                          Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks                           him up and dumps him into a trash can                           with a lid.) No!                                        FARQUAAD                          Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.                           Is this not the most perfect kingdom                           of them all?                                        MIRROR                          Well, technically you're not a king.                                                                  FARQUAAD                          Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a                           hand mirror and smashes it with his                           fist.) You were saying?                                        MIRROR                          What I mean is you're not a king yet.                           But you can become one. All you have                           to do is marry a princess.                                        FARQUAAD                          Go on.                                       MIRROR                          (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back                           and relax, my lord, because it's time                           for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.                           And here they are! Bachelorette number                           one is a mentally abused shut-in from                           a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi                           and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies                           include cooking and cleaning for her                           two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.                           (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette                           number two is a cape-wearing girl from                           the land of fancy. Although she lives                           with seven other men, she's not easy.                           Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and                           find out what a live wire she is. Come                           on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows                           picture of Snow White) And last, but                           certainly not last, bachelorette number                           three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded                           castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!                           But don't let that cool you off. She's                           a loaded pistol who likes pina colads                           and getting caught in the rain. Yours                           for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows                           picture of Princess Fiona) So will it                           be bachelorette number one, bachelorette                           number two or bachelorette number three?                                                                  GUARDS                          Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!                                                                  FARQUAAD                          Three? One? Three?                                       THELONIUS                          Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number                           three, my lord!                                        FARQUAAD                          Okay, okay, uh, number three!                                       MIRROR                          Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess                           Fiona.                                        FARQUAAD                          Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I                           have to do is just find someone who                           can go...                                        MIRROR                          But I probably should mention the little                           thing that happens at night.                                        FARQUAAD                          I'll do it.                                       MIRROR                          Yes, but after sunset...                                       FARQUAAD                          Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona                           my queen, and DuLoc will finally have                           the perfect king! Captain, assemble                           your finest men. We're going to have                           a tournament. (smiles evilly)                  DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section                 Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking                 lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.                                        DONKEY                          But that's it. That's it right there.                           That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.                                                                  SHREK                          So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.                                                                  DONKEY                          Uh-huh. That's the place.                                       SHREK                          Do you think maybe he's compensating                           for something? (He laughs, but then                           groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.                           He continues walking through the parking                           lot.)                                        DONKEY                          Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.                                       MAN                          Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.                                                                  SHREK                          Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing                           a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,                           screams and begins running through the                           rows of rope to get to the front gate                           to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.                           Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just                           - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins                           walking straight through the rows. The                           attendant runs into a wall and falls                           down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then                           continue on into DuLoc.)                  DULOC                 They look around but all is quiet.                                       SHREK                          It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?                                                                  DONKEY                          Hey, look at this!                 Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box                 marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors                 open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin                 to sing.                                        WOODEN PEOPLE                          Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town                                            Here we have some rules                 Let us lay them down                 Don't make waves, stay in line                 And we'll get along fine                 DuLoc is perfect place                 Please keep off of the grass                 Shine your shoes, wipe your... face                 DuLoc is, DuLoc is                 DuLoc is perfect place.                 Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.                                       DONKEY                          Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready                           to run over and pull the lever again)                                                                  SHREK                          (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)                           No. No. No, no, no! No.                  They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.                                       FARQUAAD                          Brave knights. You are the best and                           brightest in all the land. Today one                           of you shall prove himself...                  As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena                 Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.                                        SHREK                          All right. You're going the right way                           for a smacked bottom.                                        DONKEY                          Sorry about that.                                       FARQUAAD                          That champion shall have the honor -                           - no, no - - the privilege to go forth                           and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona                           from the fiery keep of the dragon. If                           for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,                           the first runner-up will take his place                           and so on and so forth. Some of you                           may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing                           to make. (cheers) Let the tournament                           begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is                           that? It's hideous!                                        SHREK                          (turns to look at Donkey and then back                           at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.                           It's just a donkey.                                        FARQUAAD                          Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who                           kills the ogre will be named champion!                           Have it him!                                        MEN                          Get him!                                       SHREK                          Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps                           into a table where there are mugs of                           beer)                                        CROWD                          Go ahead! Get him!                                       SHREK                          (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just                           settle this over a pint?                                        CROWD                          Kill the beast!                                       SHREK                          No? All right then. (drinks the beer)                           Come on!                  He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel                 of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the                 other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides                 past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.                 As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger                 beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.                 Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much                 fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice                 to say that Shrek kicks butt.                                        DONKEY                          Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!                 Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek                 gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.                                        SHREK                          Yeah!                 A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time                 and sees him.                                        WOMAN                          The chair! Give him the chair!                 Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men                 are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding                 sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.                                        SHREK                          Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you                           very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try                           the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)                  The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on                 Shrek.                                        HEAD GUARD                          Shall I give the order, sir?                                       FARQUAAD                          No, I have a better idea. People of                           DuLoc, I give you our champion!                                        SHREK                          What?                                       FARQUAAD                          Congratulations, ogre. You're won the                           honor of embarking on a great and noble                           quest.                                        SHREK                          Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest                           to get my swamp back.                                        FARQUAAD                          Your swamp?                                       SHREK                          Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those                           fairy tale creatures!                                        FARQUAAD                          Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you                           a deal. Go on this quest for me, and                           I'll give you your swamp back.                                        SHREK                          Exactly the way it was?                                       FARQUAAD                          Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.                                                                  SHREK                          And the squatters?                                       FARQUAAD                          As good as gone.                                       SHREK                          What kind of quest?                 Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field                 heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.                                        DONKEY                          Let me get this straight. You're gonna                           go fight a dragon and rescue a princess                           just so Farquaad will give you back                           a swamp which you only don't have because                           he filled it full of freaks in the first                           place. Is that about right?                                        SHREK                          You know, maybe there's a good reason                           donkeys shouldn't talk.                                        DONKEY                          I don't get it. Why don't you just pull                           some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle                           him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds                           his bones to make your bread, the whole                           ogre trip.                                        SHREK                          Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have                           decapitated an entire village and put                           their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,                           cut open their spleen and drink their                           fluids. Does that sound good to you?                                                                  DONKEY                          Uh, no, not really, no.                                       SHREK                          For your information, there's a lot                           more to ogres than people think.                                        DONKEY                          Example?                                       SHREK                          Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.                           (he holds out his onion)                                        DONKEY                          (sniffs the onion) They stink?                                       SHREK                          Yes - - No!                                       DONKEY                          They make you cry?                                       SHREK                          No!                                       DONKEY                          You leave them in the sun, they get                           all brown, start sproutin' little white                           hairs.                                        SHREK                          No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres                           have layers! Onions have layers. You                           get it? We both have layers. (he heaves                           a sigh and then walks off)                                        DONKEY                          (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both                           have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,                           not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody                           loves cakes! Cakes have layers.                                        SHREK                          I don't care... what everyone likes.                           Ogres are not like cakes.                                        DONKEY                          You know what else everybody likes?                           Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,                           you say, "Let's get some parfait," they                           say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?                           Parfaits are delicious.                                        SHREK                          No! You dense, irritating, miniature                           beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!                           And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.                                                                  DONKEY                          Parfaits may be the most delicious thing                           on the whole damn planet.                                        SHREK                          You know, I think I preferred your humming.                                                                  DONKEY                          Do you have a tissue or something? I'm                           making a mess. Just the word parfait                           make me start slobbering.                  They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through                 a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying                 to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,                 so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.                  DRAGON'S KEEP                 Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to                 house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.                                                        DONKEY                          (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?                           You gotta warn somebody before you just                           crack one off. My mouth was open and                           everything.                                        SHREK                          Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd                           be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We                           must be getting close.                                        DONKEY                          Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking                           about it's the brimstone. I know what                           I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It                           didn't come off no stone neither.                                            They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There                 is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where                 the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very                 foreboding.                                        SHREK                          Sure, it's big enough, but look at the                           location. (laughs...then the laugh turns                           into a groan)                                        DONKEY                          Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said                           ogres have layers?                                        SHREK                          Oh, aye.                                       DONKEY                          Well, I have a bit of a confession to                           make. Donkeys don't have layers. We                           wear our fear right out there on our                           sleeves.                                        SHREK                          Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.                                                                  DONKEY                          You know what I mean.                                       SHREK                          You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.                                                                  DONKEY                          No, I'm just a little uncomfortable                           about being on a rickety bridge over                           a boiling like of lava!                                        SHREK                          Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside                           ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll                           just tackle this thing together one                           little baby step at a time.                                        DONKEY                          Really?                                       SHREK                          Really, really.                                       DONKEY                          Okay, that makes me feel so much better.                                                                  SHREK                          Just keep moving. And don't look down.                                                                  DONKEY                          Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.                           Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't                           look down. (he steps through a rotting                           board and ends up looking straight down                           into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!                           Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me                           off, please!                                        SHREK                          But you're already halfway.                                       DONKEY                          But I know that half is safe!                                       SHREK                          Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.                           You go back.                                        DONKEY                          Shrek, no! Wait!                                       SHREK                          Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance                           then, shall me? (bounces and sways the                           bridge)                                        DONKEY                          Don't do that!                                       SHREK                          Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces                           the bridge again)                                        DONKEY                          Yes, that!                                       SHREK                          Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to                           bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across                           the bridge)                                        DONKEY                          No, Shrek! No! Stop it!                                       SHREK                          You said do it! I'm doin' it.                                       DONKEY                          I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,                           I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)                           Oh!                                        SHREK                          That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks                           towards the castle)                                        DONKEY                          Cool. So where is this fire-breathing                           pain-in-the-neck anyway?                                        SHREK                          Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.                           (chuckles)                                        DONKEY                          I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.                                            INSIDE THE CASTLE                                       DONKEY                          You afraid?                                       SHREK                          No.                                       DONKEY                          But...                                       SHREK                          Shh.                                       DONKEY                          Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton                           and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong                           with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible                           response to an unfamiliar situation.                           Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might                           add. With a dragon that breathes fire                           and eats knights and breathes fire,                           it sure doesn't mean you're a coward                           if you're a little scared. I sure as                           heck ain't no coward. I know that.                                                                  SHREK                          Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.                           Now go over there and see if you can                           find any stairs.                                        DONKEY                          Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for                           the princess.                                        SHREK                          (putting on a helmet) The princess will                           be up the stairs in the highest room                           in the tallest tower.                                        DONKEY                          What makes you think she'll be there?                                                                  SHREK                          I read it in a book once. (walks off)                                                                  DONKEY                          Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle                           the stairs. I'll find those stairs.                           I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs                           won't know which way they're goin'.                           (walks off)                  EMPTY ROOM                 Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.                                                        DONKEY                          I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it                           to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm                           the stair master. I've mastered the                           stairs. I wish I had a step right here.                           I'd step all over it.                  ELSEWHERE                 Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.                                       SHREK                          Well, at least we know where the princess                           is, but where's the...                                        DONKEY                          (os) Dragon!                 Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.                 Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon                 breathes fire.                                        SHREK                          Donkey, look out! (he manages to get                           a hold of the dragons tail and holds                           on) Got ya!                  The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek                 goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the                 tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying                 on the floor.                                        DONKEY                          Oh! Aah! Aah!                 Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small                 part of the bridge he's on.                                        DONKEY                          No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,                           what large teeth you have. (the dragon                           growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.                           I know you probably hear this all time                           from your food, but you must bleach,                           'cause that is one dazzling smile you                           got there. Do I detect a hint of minty                           freshness? And you know what else? You're                           - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!                           I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.                           You're just reeking of feminine beauty.                           (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes                           at him) What's the matter with you?                           You got something in your eye? Ohh.                           Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,                           but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon                           blows a smoke ring in the shape of a                           heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm                           an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd                           work out if you're gonna blow smoke                           rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him                           up with her teeth and carries him off)                           No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                  FIONA'S ROOM                 Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona                 so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She                 then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off                 the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.                 Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for                 a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders                 and shakes her away.                                        FIONA                          Oh! Oh!                                       SHREK                          Wake up!                                       FIONA                          What?                                       SHREK                          Are you Princess Fiona?                                       FIONA                          I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to                           rescue me.                                        SHREK                          Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!                                       FIONA                          But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our                           first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,                           romantic moment?                                        SHREK                          Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.                                                                  FIONA                          Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should                           sweep me off my feet out yonder window                           and down a rope onto your valiant steed.                                                                  SHREK                          You've had a lot of time to plan this,                           haven't you?                                        FIONA                          (smiles) Mm-hmm.                 Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down                 the hallway.                                        FIONA                          But we have to savor this moment! You                           could recite an epic poem for me. A                           ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!                                                                  SHREK                          I don't think so.                                       FIONA                          Can I at least know the name of my champion?                                                                  SHREK                          Uh, Shrek.                                       FIONA                          Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds                           out a handkerchief) I pray that you                           take this favor as a token of my gratitude.                                                                  SHREK                          Thanks!                 Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.                                       FIONA                          (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?                                                                  SHREK                          It's on my to-do list. Now come on!                           (takes off running and drags Fiona behind                           him.)                                        FIONA                          But this isn't right! You were meant                           to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.                           That's what all the other knights did.                                                                  SHREK                          Yeah, right before they burst into flame.                                                                  FIONA                          That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly                           stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek                           ignores her and heads for a wooden door                           off to the side.) Wait. Where are you                           going? The exit's over there.                                        SHREK                          Well, I have to save my ass.                                       FIONA                          What kind of knight are you?                                       SHREK                          One of a kind. (opens the door into                           the throne room)                                        DONKEY                          (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.                           I believe it's healthy to get to know                           someone over a long period of time.                           Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs                           worriedly) (we see him up close and                           from a distance as Shrek sneaks into                           the room) I don't want to rush into                           a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally                           ready for a commitment of, uh, this                           - - Magnitude really is the word I'm                           looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that                           is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what                           are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just                           back up a little and take this one step                           at a time. We really should get to know                           each other first as friends or pen pals.                           I'm on the road a lot, but I just love                           receiving cards - - I'd really love                           to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's                           my tail! That's my personal tail. You're                           gonna tear it off. I don't give permission                           - - What are you gonna do with that?                           Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.                           No, no, no. No! Oh!                  Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings                 toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks                 up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.                 He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps                 Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.                 Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and                 roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto                 her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms                 a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey                 take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and                 then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.                                        DONKEY                          Hi, Princess!                                       FIONA                          It talks!                                       SHREK                          Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's                           the trick.                  They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots                 a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a                 crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His                 eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles                 off and walks lightly.                                        SHREK                          Oh!                 Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.                                                        SHREK                          Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll                           take care of the dragon.                  Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the                 castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping                 chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that                 is still around the dragons neck.                                        SHREK                          (echoing) Run!                 They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot                 pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons                 breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on                 for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They                 are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look                 in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to                 get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the                 dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs                 quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a                 sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.                                        FIONA                          (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You                           did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.                           (behind her Donkey falls down the hill)                           You're - - You're wonderful. You're...                           (turns and sees Shrek fall down the                           hill and bump into Donkey) a little                           unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed                           is great, and thy heart is pure. I am                           eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears                           his throat.) And where would a brave                           knight be without his noble steed?                                                                  DONKEY                          I hope you heard that. She called me                           a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.                                                                  FIONA                          The battle is won. You may remove your                           helmet, good Sir Knight.                                        SHREK                          Uh, no.                                       FIONA                          Why not?                                       SHREK                          I have helmet hair.                                       FIONA                          Please. I would'st look upon the face                           of my rescuer.                                        SHREK                          No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.                                       FIONA                          But how will you kiss me?                                       SHREK                          What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the                           job description.                                        DONKEY                          Maybe it's a perk.                                       FIONA                          No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know                           how it goes. A princess locked in a                           tower and beset by a dragon is rescued                           by a brave knight, and then they share                           true love's first kiss.                                        DONKEY                          Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.                           Wait. You think that Shrek is you true                           love?                                        FIONA                          Well, yes.                 Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.                                       DONKEY                          You think Shrek is your true love!                                                                  FIONA                          What is so funny?                                       SHREK                          Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:                           Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.                           Now - - Now remove your helmet.                                        SHREK                          Look. I really don't think this is a                           good idea.                                        FIONA                          Just take off the helmet.                                       SHREK                          I'm not going to.                                       FIONA                          Take it off.                                       SHREK                          No!                                       FIONA                          Now!                                       SHREK                          Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.                           (takes off his helmet)                                        FIONA                          You- - You're a- - an ogre.                                       SHREK                          Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.                                                                  FIONA                          Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is                           all wrong. You're not supposed to be                           an ogre.                                        SHREK                          Princess, I was sent to rescue you by                           Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who                           wants to marry you.                                        FIONA                          Then why didn't he come rescue me?                                                                  SHREK                          Good question. You should ask him that                           when we get there.                                        FIONA                          But I have to be rescued by my true                           love, not by some ogre and his- - his                           pet.                                        DONKEY                          Well, so much for noble steed.                                       SHREK                          You're not making my job any easier.                                                                  FIONA                          I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.                           You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he                           wants to rescue me properly, I'll be                           waiting for him right here.                                        SHREK                          Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all                           right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.                           (he swiftly picks her up and swings                           her over his shoulder like she was a                           sack of potatoes)                                        FIONA                          You wouldn't dare. Put me down!                                       SHREK                          Ya comin', Donkey?                                       DONKEY                          I'm right behind ya.                                       FIONA                          Put me down, or you will suffer the                           consequences! This is not dignified!                           Put me down!                  WOODS                 A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just                 hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.                                        DONKEY                          Okay, so here's another question. Say                           there's a woman that digs you, right,                           but you don't really like her that way.                           How do you let her down real easy so                           her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't                           get burned to a crisp and eaten?                                        FIONA                          You just tell her she's not your true                           love. Everyone knows what happens when                           you find your...(Shrek drops her on                           the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to                           DuLoc the better.                                        DONKEY                          You're gonna love it there, Princess.                           It's beautiful!                                        FIONA                          And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?                           What's he like?                                        SHREK                          Let me put it this way, Princess. Men                           of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.                           (he and Donkey laugh)                  Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off                 the dust and grime.                                        DONKEY                          I don't know. There are those who think                           little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:                           Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're                           just jealous you can never measure up                           to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.                                                                  SHREK                          Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.                           But I'll let you do the "measuring"                           when you see him tomorrow.                                        FIONA                          (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?                           It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop                           to make camp?                                        SHREK                          No, that'll take longer. We can keep                           going.                                        FIONA                          But there's robbers in the woods.                                       DONKEY                          Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting                           to sound good.                                        SHREK                          Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything                           we're going to see in this forest.                                                                  FIONA                          I need to find somewhere to camp now!                                            Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.                                  MOUNTAIN CLIFF                 Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves                 a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.                                        SHREK                          Hey! Over here.                                       DONKEY                          Shrek, we can do better than that. I                           don't think this is fit for a princess.                                                                  FIONA                          No, no, it's perfect. It just needs                           a few homey touches.                                        SHREK                          Homey touches? Like what? (he hears                           a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona                           who has torn the bark off of a tree.)                                                                  FIONA                          A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee                           good night. (goes into the cave and                           puts the bark door up behind her)                                                                  DONKEY                          You want me to read you a bedtime story?                           I will.                                        FIONA                          (os) I said good night!                 Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the                 boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona                 still inside.                                        DONKEY                          Shrek, What are you doing?                                       SHREK                          (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,                           come on. I was just kidding.                  LATER THAT NIGHT                 Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring                 up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations                 to Donkey.                                        SHREK                          And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,                           the only ogre to ever spit over three                           wheat fields.                                        DONKEY                          Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future                           from these stars?                                        SHREK                          The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.                           They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,                           the Flatulent. You can guess what he's                           famous for.                                        DONKEY                          I know you're making this up.                                       SHREK                          No, look. There he is, and there's the                           group of hunters running away from his                           stench.                                        DONKEY                          That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little                           dots.                                        SHREK                          You know, Donkey, sometimes things are                           more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.                                                                  DONKEY                          (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what                           we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?                                                                  SHREK                          Our swamp?                                       DONKEY                          You know, when we're through rescuing                           the princess.                                        SHREK                          We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's                           no "our". There's just me and my swamp.                           The first thing I'm gonna do is build                           a ten-foot wall around my land.                                        DONKEY                          You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real                           deep just now. You know what I think?                           I think this whole wall thing is just                           a way to keep somebody out.                                        SHREK                          No, do ya think?                                       DONKEY                          Are you hidin' something?                                       SHREK                          Never mind, Donkey.                                       DONKEY                          Oh, this is another one of those onion                           things, isn't it?                                        SHREK                          No, this is one of those drop-it and                           leave-it alone things.                                        DONKEY                          Why don't you want to talk about it?                                                                  SHREK                          Why do you want to talk about it?                                       DONKEY                          Why are you blocking?                                       SHREK                          I'm not blocking.                                       DONKEY                          Oh, yes, you are.                                       SHREK                          Donkey, I'm warning you.                                       DONKEY                          Who you trying to keep out?                                       SHREK                          Everyone! Okay?                                       DONKEY                          (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.                           (grins)                  At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to                 the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.                                        SHREK                          Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and                           walks over to the edge of the cliff                           and sits down)                                        DONKEY                          What's your problem? What you got against                           the whole world anyway?                                        SHREK                          Look, I'm not the one with the problem,                           okay? It's the world that seems to have                           a problem with me. People take one look                           at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,                           stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before                           they even know me. That's why I'm better                           off alone.                                        DONKEY                          You know what? When we met, I didn't                           think you was just a big, stupid, ugly                           ogre.                                        SHREK                          Yeah, I know.                                       DONKEY                          So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?                                                                  SHREK                          Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small                           and Annoying.                                        DONKEY                          Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny                           one, right there. That one there?                                            Fiona puts the door back.                                       SHREK                          That's the moon.                                       DONKEY                          Oh, okay.                 DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom                 The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays                 in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic                 Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.                                        FARQUAAD                          Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,                           show her to me. Show me the princess.                                                                  MIRROR                          Hmph.                 The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.                                                        FARQUAAD                          Ah. Perfect.                 Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up                 to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly                 at her image in the mirror.                  MORNING                 Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey                 who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes                 across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along                 with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles                 to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too                 big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but                 she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona                 is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still                 sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking                 in his sleep.                                        DONKEY                          (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like                           it like that. Come on, baby. I said                           I like it.                                        SHREK                          Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)                                       DONKEY                          Huh? What?                                       SHREK                          Wake up.                                       DONKEY                          What? (stretches and yawns)                                       FIONA                          Good morning. Hm, how do you like your                           eggs?                                        DONKEY                          Oh, good morning, Princess!                 Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.                                       SHREK                          What's all this about?                                       FIONA                          You know, we kind of got off to a bad                           start yesterday. I wanted to make it                           up to you. I mean, after all, you did                           rescue me.                                        SHREK                          Uh, thanks.                 Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.                                       FIONA                          Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead                           of us. (walks off)                  LATER                 They are once again on their way. They are walking through the                 forest. Shrek belches.                                        DONKEY                          Shrek!                                       SHREK                          What? It's a compliment. Better out                           than in, I always say. (laughs)                                        DONKEY                          Well, it's no way to behave in front                           of a princess.                  Fiona belches                                       FIONA                          Thanks.                                       DONKEY                          She's as nasty as you are.                                       SHREK                          (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly                           what I expected.                                        FIONA                          Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people                           before you get to know them.                  She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly                 from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into                 a tree.                                        ROBIN HOOD                          La liberte! Hey!                                       SHREK                          Princess!                                       FIONA                          (to Robin Hood) What are you doing?                                                                  ROBIN HOOD                          Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!                           And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses                           up her arm while Fiona pulls back in                           disgust)...beast.                                        SHREK                          Hey! That's my princess! Go find you                           own!                                        ROBIN HOOD                          Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a                           little busy here?                                        FIONA                          (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't                           know who you think you are!                                        ROBIN HOOD                          Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please                           let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.                           (laughs)                  Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out                 from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.                                        MERRY MEN                          Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.                                       ROBIN HOOD                          I steal from the rich and give to the                           needy.                                        MERRY MEN                          He takes a wee percentage,                                       ROBIN HOOD                          But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty                           damsels, man, I'm good.                                        MERRY MEN                          What a guy, Monsieur Hood.                                       ROBIN HOOD                          Break it down. I like an honest fight                           and a saucy little maid...                                        MERRY MEN                          What he's basically saying is he likes                           to get...                                        ROBIN HOOD                          Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush                           grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.                                                                  MERRY MEN                          That's bad.                                       ROBIN HOOD                          When a beauty's with a beast it makes                           me awfully mad.                                        MERRY MEN                          He's mad, he's really, really mad.                                                                  ROBIN HOOD                          I'll take my blade and ram it through                           your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys                           'cause I'm about to start...                  There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and                 knocks Robin Hood unconscious.                                        FIONA                          Man, that was annoying!                 Shrek looks at her in admiration.                                       MERRY MAN                          Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at                           Fiona but she ducks out of the way)                                            The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to                 get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.                                  Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and                 then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is                 a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in                 mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,                 and Fiona begins walking away.                                        FIONA                          Uh, shall we?                                       SHREK                          Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins                           walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,                           whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come                           from?                                        FIONA                          What?                                       SHREK                          That! Back there. That was amazing!                           Where did you learn that?                                        FIONA                          Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,                           uh, one has to learn these things in                           case there's a...(gasps and points)                           there's an arrow in your butt!                                        SHREK                          What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you                           look at that? (he goes to pull it out                           but flinches because it's tender)                                                                  FIONA                          Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so                           sorry.                                        DONKEY                          (walking up) Why? What's wrong?                                       FIONA                          Shrek's hurt.                                       DONKEY                          Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,                           Shrek's gonna die.                                        SHREK                          Donkey, I'm okay.                                       DONKEY                          You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm                           too young for you to die. Keep you legs                           elevated. Turn your head and cough.                           Does anyone know the Heimlich?                                        FIONA                          Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help                           Shrek, run into the woods and find me                           a blue flower with red thorns.                                        DONKEY                          Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on                           it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die                           Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay                           away from the light!                                        SHREK & FIONA                          Donkey!                                       DONKEY                          Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.                           (runs off)                                        SHREK                          What are the flowers for?                                       FIONA                          (like it's obvious) For getting rid                           of Donkey.                                        SHREK                          Ah.                                       FIONA                          Now you hold still, and I'll yank this                           thing out. (gives the arrow a little                           pull)                                        SHREK                          (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the                           yankin'.                  As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and                 Shrek keeps dodging her hands.                                        FIONA                          I'm sorry, but it has to come out.                                                                  SHREK                          No, it's tender.                                       FIONA                          Now, hold on.                                       SHREK                          What you're doing is the opposite of                           help.                                        FIONA                          Don't move.                                       SHREK                          Look, time out.                                       FIONA                          Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his                           hand over her face to stop her from                           getting at the arrow) Okay. What do                           you propose we do?                  ELSEWHERE                 Donkey is still looking for the special flower.                                       DONKEY                          Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,                           red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.                           This would be so much easier if I wasn't                           color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.                                                                  SHREK                          (os) Ow!                                       DONKEY                          Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a                           flower off a nearby bush that just happens                           to be a blue flower with red thorns)                                            THE FOREST PATH                                       SHREK                          Ow! Not good.                                       FIONA                          Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.                           (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just                           about...                                        SHREK                          Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall                           over with Fiona on top of him)                                        DONKEY                          Ahem.                                       SHREK                          (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing                           happend. We were just, uh - -                                        DONKEY                          Look, if you wanted to be alone, all                           you had to do was ask. Okay?                                        SHREK                          Oh, come on! That's the last thing on                           my mind. The princess here was just-                           - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he                           turns to look at Fiona who holds up                           the arrow with a smile) Ow!                                        DONKEY                          Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)                           That's...is that blood?                  Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue                 on their way.                  There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.                 Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a                 small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as                 Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back                 into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting                 and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb                 that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it                 around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins                 eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.                 Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting                 it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning                 it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group                 arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.                  WINDMILL                                       SHREK                          There it is, Princess. Your future awaits                           you.                                        FIONA                          That's DuLoc?                                       DONKEY                          Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks                           Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,                           which I think means he has a really...(Shrek                           steps on his hoof) Ow!                                        SHREK                          Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move                           on.                                        FIONA                          Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried                           about Donkey.                                        SHREK                          What?                                       FIONA                          I mean, look at him. He doesn't look                           so good.                                        DONKEY                          What are you talking about? I'm fine.                                                                  FIONA                          (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's                           what they always say, and then next                           thing you know, you're on your back.                           (pause) Dead.                                        SHREK                          You know, she's right. You look awful.                           Do you want to sit down?                                        FIONA                          Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.                                                                  DONKEY                          I didn't want to say nothin', but I                           got this twinge in my neck, and when                           I turn my head like this, look, (turns                           his neck in a very sharp way until his                           head is completely sideways) Ow! See?                                                                  SHREK                          Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.                                                                  FIONA                          I'll get the firewood.                                       DONKEY                          Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't                           feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)                           I don't have any toes! I think I need                           a hug.                  SUNSET                 Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while                 Fiona eats.                                        FIONA                          Mmm. This is good. This is really good.                           What is this?                                        SHREK                          Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.                                       FIONA                          No kidding. Well, this is delicious.                                                                  SHREK                          Well, they're also great in stews. Now,                           I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean                           weed rat stew. (chuckles)                  Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.                                       FIONA                          I guess I'll be dining a little differently                           tomorrow night.                                        SHREK                          Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp                           sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff                           for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare                           - - you name it.                                        FIONA                          (smiles) I'd like that.                 They smiles at each other.                                       SHREK                          Um, Princess?                                       FIONA                          Yes, Shrek?                                       SHREK                          I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)                           Are you gonna eat that?                                        DONKEY                          (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?                           Just look at that sunset.                                        FIONA                          (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's                           late. I-It's very late.                                        SHREK                          What?                                       DONKEY                          Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on                           here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't                           you?                                        FIONA                          Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.                           You know, I'd better go inside.                                        DONKEY                          Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to                           be afraid of the dark, too, until -                           - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of                           the dark.                  Shrek sighs                                       FIONA                          Good night.                                       SHREK                          Good night.                 Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks                 at Shrek with a new eye.                                        DONKEY                          Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on                           here.                                        SHREK                          Oh, what are you talkin' about?                                       DONKEY                          I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm                           an animal, and I got instincts. And                           I know you two were diggin' on each                           other. I could feel it.                                        SHREK                          You're crazy. I'm just bringing her                           back to Farquaad.                                        DONKEY                          Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell                           the pheromones. Just go on in and tell                           her how you feel.                                        SHREK                          I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,                           even if I did tell her that, well, you                           know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause                           I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm                           - -                                        DONKEY                          An ogre?                                       SHREK                          Yeah. An ogre.                                       DONKEY                          Hey, where you goin'?                                       SHREK                          To get... move firewood. (sighs)                 Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already                 is.                  TIME LAPSE                 Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is                 nowhere to be seen.                                        DONKEY                          Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,                           where are you? Princess?                  Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.                                                        DONKEY                          It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing                           no games.                  Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't                 look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking                 out.                                        DONKEY                          Aah!                                       FIONA                          Oh, no!                                       DONKEY                          No, help!                                       FIONA                          Shh!                                       DONKEY                          Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                       FIONA                          No, it's okay. It's okay.                                       DONKEY                          What did you do with the princess?                                                                  FIONA                          Donkey, I'm the princess.                                       DONKEY                          Aah!                                       FIONA                          It's me, in this body.                                       DONKEY                          Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to                           her stomach) Can you hear me?                                        FIONA                          Donkey!                                       DONKEY                          (still aimed at her stomach) Listen,                           keep breathing! I'll get you out of                           there!                                        FIONA                          No!                                       DONKEY                          Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!                                       FIONA                          Shh.                                       DONKEY                          Shrek!                                       FIONA                          This is me.                 Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets                 down.                                        DONKEY                          Princess? What happened to you? You're,                           uh, uh, uh, different.                                        FIONA                          I'm ugly, okay?                                       DONKEY                          Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?                           'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a                           bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.                           Now - -                                        FIONA                          No. I - - I've been this way as long                           as I can remember.                                        DONKEY                          What do you mean? Look, I ain't never                           seen you like this before.                                        FIONA                          It only happens when sun goes down.                           "By night one way, by day another. This                           shall be the norm... until you find                           true love's first kiss... and then take                           love's true form."                                        DONKEY                          Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know                           you wrote poetry.                                        FIONA                          It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little                           girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every                           night I become this. This horrible,                           ugly beast! I was placed in a tower                           to await the day my true love would                           rescue me. That's why I have to marry                           Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun                           sets and he sees me like this. (begins                           to cry)                                        DONKEY                          All right, all right. Calm down. Look,                           it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.                           Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.                           But you only look like this at night.                           Shrek's ugly 24-7.                                        FIONA                          But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this                           is not how a princess is meant to look.                                                                  DONKEY                          Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry                           Farquaad?                                        FIONA                          I have to. Only my true love's kiss                           can break the spell.                                        DONKEY                          But, you know, um, you're kind of an                           orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a                           lot in common.                                        FIONA                          Shrek?                 OUTSIDE                 Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his                 hand.                                        SHREK                          (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's                           it going, first of all? Good? Um, good                           for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower                           and thought of you because it's pretty                           and - - well, I don't really like it,                           but I thought you might like it 'cause                           you're pretty. But I like you anyway.                           I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.                           Okay, here we go.                  He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey                 and Fiona talking.                                        FIONA                          (os) I can't just marry whoever I want.                           Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,                           really, who can ever love a beast so                           hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"                           don't go together. That's why I can't                           stay here with Shrek.                  Shrek steps back in shock.                                       FIONA                          (os) My only chance to live happily                           ever after is to marry my true love.                                            Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks                 away.                  INSIDE                                       FIONA                          Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how                           it has to be. It's the only way to break                           the spell.                                        DONKEY                          You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.                                                                  FIONA                          No! You can't breathe a word. No one                           must ever know.                                        DONKEY                          What's the point of being able to talk                           if you gotta keep secrets?                                        FIONA                          Promise you won't tell. Promise!                                       DONKEY                          All right, all right. I won't tell him.                           But you should. (goes outside) I just                           know before this is over, I'm gonna                           need a whole lot of serious therapy.                           Look at my eye twitchin'.                  Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks                 down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back                 inside the windmill.                  MORNING                 Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still                 awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.                                        FIONA                          I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,                           I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly                           runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!                           Shrek, there's something I want...(she                           looks and sees the rising sun, and as                           the sun crests the sky she turns back                           into a human.)                  Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards                 her.                                        FIONA                          Shrek. Are you all right?                                       SHREK                          Perfect! Never been better.                                       FIONA                          I - - I don't - - There's something                           I have to tell you.                                        SHREK                          You don't have to tell me anything,                           Princess. I heard enough last night.                                                                  FIONA                          You heard what I said?                                       SHREK                          Every word.                                       FIONA                          I thought you'd understand.                                       SHREK                          Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who                           could love a hideous, ugly beast?"                                                                  FIONA                          But I thought that wouldn't matter to                           you.                                        SHREK                          Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at                           him in shock. He looks past her and                           spots a group approaching.) Ah, right                           on time. Princess, I've brought you                           a little something.                  Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal                 sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only                 like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers                 march by.                                        DONKEY                          What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots                           the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?                           Couldn't have been the donkey.                                        FARQUAAD                          Princess Fiona.                                       SHREK                          As promised. Now hand it over.                                       FARQUAAD                          Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece                           of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared                           out, as agreed. Take it and go before                           I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)                           Forgive me, Princess, for startling                           you, but you startled me, for I have                           never seen such a radiant beauty before.                           I'm Lord Farquaad.                                        FIONA                          Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad                           snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,                           for I was just saying a short... (Watches                           as Farquaad is lifted off his horse                           and set down in front of her. He comes                           to her waist.) farewell.                                        FARQUAAD                          Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have                           to waste good manners on the ogre. It's                           not like it has feelings.                                        FIONA                          No, you're right. It doesn't.                 Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.                                                        FARQUAAD                          Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless                           Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.                           Will you be the perfect bride for the                           perfect groom?                                        FIONA                          Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would                           make - -                                        FARQUAAD                          (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start                           the plans, for tomorrow we wed!                                        FIONA                          No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get                           married today before the sun sets.                                                                  FARQUAAD                          Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.                           The sooner, the better. There's so much                           to do! There's the caterer, the cake,                           the band, the guest list. Captain, round                           up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona                           on the back of his horse)                                        FIONA                          Fare-thee-well, ogre.                 Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches                 them go.                                        DONKEY                          Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting                           her get away.                                        SHREK                          Yeah? So what?                                       DONKEY                          Shrek, there's something about her you                           don't know. Look, I talked to her last                           night, She's - -                                        SHREK                          I know you talked to her last night.                           You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if                           you two are such good friends, why don't                           you follow her home?                                        DONKEY                          Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.                                       SHREK                          I told you, didn't I? You're not coming                           home with me. I live alone! My swamp!                           Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!                           Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,                           talking donkeys!                                        DONKEY                          But I thought - -                                       SHREK                          Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!                           (stomps off)                                        DONKEY                          Shrek.                 Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona                 being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running                 into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner                 alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.                  SHREK'S HOME                 Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes                 outside to investigate.                                        SHREK                          Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues                           with what he's doing.) What are you                           doing?                                        DONKEY                          I would think, of all people, you would                           recognize a wall when you see one.                                                                  SHREK                          Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed                           to go around my swamp, not through it.                                                                  DONKEY                          It is around your half. See that's your                           half, and this is my half.                                        SHREK                          Oh! Your half. Hmm.                                       DONKEY                          Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.                           I did half the work. I get half the                           booty. Now hand me that big old rock,                           the one that looks like your head.                                                                  SHREK                          Back off!                                       DONKEY                          No, you back off.                                       SHREK                          This is my swamp!                                       DONKEY                          Our swamp.                                       SHREK                          (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working                           with) Let go, Donkey!                                        DONKEY                          You let go.                                       SHREK                          Stubborn jackass!                                       DONKEY                          Smelly ogre.                                       SHREK                          Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks                           away)                                        DONKEY                          Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through                           with you yet.                                        SHREK                          Well, I'm through with you.                                       DONKEY                          Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,                           "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now                           it's my turn! So you just shut up and                           pay attention! You are mean to me. You                           insult me and you don't appreciate anything                           that I do! You're always pushing me                           around or pushing me away.                                        SHREK                          Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so                           bad, how come you came back?                                        DONKEY                          Because that's what friends do! They                           forgive each other!                                        SHREK                          Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive                           you... for stabbin' me in the back!                           (goes into the outhouse and slams the                           door)                                        DONKEY                          Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,                           onion boy, you're afraid of your own                           feelings.                                        SHREK                          (os) Go away!                                       DONKEY                          There you are , doing it again just                           like you did to Fiona. All she ever                           do was like you, maybe even love you.                                                                  SHREK                          (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a                           hideous creature. I heard the two of                           you talking.                                        DONKEY                          She wasn't talkin' about you. She was                           talkin' about, uh, somebody else.                                                                  SHREK                          (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't                           talking about me? Well, then who was                           she talking about?                                        DONKEY                          Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.                           You don't wanna listen to me. Right?                           Right?                                        SHREK                          Donkey!                                       DONKEY                          No!                                       SHREK                          Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)                           I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,                           stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?                                                                  DONKEY                          Hey, that's what friends are for, right?                                                                  SHREK                          Right. Friends?                                       DONKEY                          Friends.                                       SHREK                          So, um, what did Fiona say about me?                                                                  DONKEY                          What are you asking me for? Why don't                           you just go ask her?                                        SHREK                          The wedding! We'll never make it in                           time.                                        DONKEY                          Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's                           a will, there's a way and I have a way.                           (whistles)                  Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so                 they can climb on.                                        SHREK                          Donkey?                                       DONKEY                          I guess it's just my animal magnetism.                                            They both laugh.                                       SHREK                          Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a                           noogie)                                        DONKEY                          All right, all right. Don't get all                           slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All                           right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't                           had a chance to install the seat belts                           yet.                  They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.                 DULOC - CHURCH                 Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.                 The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.                                                        PRIEST                          People of DuLoc, we gather here today                           to bear witness to the union....                                        FIONA                          (eyeing the setting sun) Um-                                       PRIEST                          ...of our new king...                                       FIONA                          Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead                           to the "I do's"?                                        FARQUAAD                          (chuckles and then motions to the priest                           to indulge Fiona) Go on.                  COURTYARD                 Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with                 a boom. The guards all take off running.                                        DONKEY                          (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.                           If we need you, I'll whistle. How about                           that? (she nods and goes after the guards)                           Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You                           wanna do this right, don't you?                                        SHREK                          (at the Church door) What are you talking                           about?                                        DONKEY                          There's a line you gotta wait for. The                           preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or                           forever hold your peace." That's when                           you say, "I object!"                                        SHREK                          I don't have time for this!                                       DONKEY                          Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen                           to me! Look, you love this woman, don't                           you?                                        SHREK                          Yes.                                       DONKEY                          You wanna hold her?                                       SHREK                          Yes.                                       DONKEY                          Please her?                                       SHREK                          Yes!                                       DONKEY                          (singing James Brown style) Then you                           got to, got to try a little tenderness.                           (normal) The chicks love that romantic                           crap!                                        SHREK                          All right! Cut it out. When does this                           guy say the line?                                        DONKEY                          We gotta check it out.                 INSIDE CHURCH                 As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the                 windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.                                        PRIEST                          And so, by the power vested in me...                                            Outside                                       SHREK                          What do you see?                                       DONKEY                          The whole town's in there.                 Inside                                       PRIEST                          I now pronounce you husband and wife...                                            Outside                                       DONKEY                          They're at the altar.                 Inside                                       PRIEST                          ...king and queen.                 Outside                                       DONKEY                          Mother Fletcher! He already said it.                                                                  SHREK                          Oh, for the love of Pete!                 He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.                                  INSIDE CHURCH                                       SHREK                          (running toward the alter) I object!                                                                  FIONA                          Shrek?                 The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.                                       FARQUAAD                          Oh, now what does he want?                                       SHREK                          (to congregation as he reaches the front                           of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'                           a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first                           of all. Very clean.                                        FIONA                          What are you doing here?                                       SHREK                          Really, it's rude enough being alive                           when no one wants you, but showing up                           uninvited to a wedding...                                        SHREK                          Fiona! I need to talk to you.                                       FIONA                          Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little                           late for that, so if you'll excuse me                           - -                                        SHREK                          But you can't marry him.                                       FIONA                          And why not?                                       SHREK                          Because- - Because he's just marring                           you so he can be king.                                        FARQUAAD                          Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.                                                                  SHREK                          He's not your true love.                                       FIONA                          And what do you know about true love?                                                                  SHREK                          Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -                                       FARQUAAD                          Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen                           in love with the princess! Oh, good                           Lord. (laughs)                  The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The                 whole congregation laughs.                                        FARQUAAD                          An ogre and a princess!                                       FIONA                          Shrek, is this true?                                       FARQUAAD                          Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,                           my love, we're but a kiss away from                           our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!                           (puckers his lips and leans toward her,                           but she pulls back.)                                        FIONA                          (looking at the setting sun) "By night                           one way, by day another." (to Shrek)                           I wanted to show you before.                  She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.                 She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.                                        SHREK                          Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona                           smiles)                                        FARQUAAD                          Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!                           I order you to get that out of my sight                           now! Get them! Get them both!                  The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights                 them.                                        SHREK                          No, no!                                       FIONA                          Shrek!                                       FARQUAAD                          This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This                           marriage is binding, and that makes                           me king! See? See?                                        FIONA                          No, let go of me! Shrek!                                       SHREK                          No!                                       FARQUAAD                          Don't just stand there, you morons.                                                                  SHREK                          Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!                                       FARQUAAD                          I'll make you regret the day we met.                           I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll                           beg for death to save you!                                        FIONA                          No, Shrek!                                       FARQUAAD                          (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And                           as for you, my wife...                                        SHREK                          Fiona!                                       FARQUAAD                          I'll have you locked back in that tower                           for the rest of your days! I'm king!                                            Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.                                       FARQUAAD                          I will have order! I will have perfection!                           I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon                           show up and the dragon leans down and                           eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!                                        DONKEY                          All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon                           here, and I'm not afraid to use it.                           (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on                           the edge!                  The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth                 and falls to the ground.                                        DONKEY                          Celebrity marriages. They never last,                           do they?                  The congregation cheers.                                       DONKEY                          Go ahead, Shrek.                                       SHREK                          Uh, Fiona?                                       FIONA                          Yes, Shrek?                                       SHREK                          I - - I love you.                                       FIONA                          Really?                                       SHREK                          Really, really.                                       FIONA                          (smiles) I love you too.                 Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes                 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.                                                        CONGREGATION                          Aawww!                 Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted                 up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around                 her.                                        WHISPERS                          "Until you find true love's first kiss                           and then take love's true form. Take                           love's true form. Take love's true form."                                            Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell                 and then is slowly lowered to the ground.                                        SHREK                          (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are                           you all right?                                        FIONA                          (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,                           yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed                           to be beautiful.                                        SHREK                          But you ARE beautiful.                 They smile at each other.                                       DONKEY                          (chuckles) I was hoping this would be                           a happy ending.                  Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...                 THE SWAMP                 ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm                 a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek                 and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting                 carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet                 which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end                 up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet                 instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now                 has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona                 walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over                 singing the song.                                        GINGERBREAD MAN                          God bless us, every one.                                       DONKEY                          (as he's done singing and we fade to                           black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't                           breathe. I can't breathe.                  THE END