Living with Depression / Bipolar Disorder - Page 1
Forum section: electronics / general

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 05:21:03 am
content: Not really electronics related but I imagine that many electronics guys and girls are affected. Would be interesting to hear other people's stories and hear how you cope with down phases when you just HAVE to function (work, family, etc.).This video shows some of my cuts on my arms half way into the video. So if you can be triggered by such images, do not watch!

author: Halcyon
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 05:40:28 am
content: Thanks for sharing that part of your life with us. Although I frequently see the 'negative' side of people suffering from various mental illnesses, I had the pleasure of meeting three people who suffered from varying types of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia at an intensive mental health training course as part of my employment. They were very open and had great insight into their conditions and sat down with our group for hours to discuss their lives. I must say I learnt a lot from those guys and it was great to actually sit down, have an in-depth conversation and learn from their first hand experiences as opposed to dealing with people who are experiencing an episode. The clinical side of things was also very informative such as how the various drugs work and the type of side-effects people experience.I'll be watching this thread with great interest.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 05:49:47 am
content: I'd been suspicious of my own 'differences' for many years, but more intensely over the last five... I finally received a tentative assessment of BP -two days ago.Knowing just means I have a hook to hang my despair on, but no way outyet.I expressed it to the doc as - 'I'm a dumb optimist, and still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, but can't see it yet... I'm just hoping there's a bend in the tunnel - and it will appear 'soon'.Luckily no thoughts of self-harm, but there are other fears hidden in loneliness.

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 07:13:56 am
content: Keep the self harm under control, it can be a bitch. Lost a brother in law to that.

author: lapm
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 08:13:40 am
content: My hats off for you man. Takes some serious balls to come out even todays civilized world.

author: Mechanical Menace
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 10:25:57 am
content: I haven't had a manic episode in years but I'm still terrified of feeling happy. Am I really just in a good mood or about to go off on a few weeks of been an ultramanipulative idiot who actually believes the bullshit I'm coming out with and making my loved ones lives hell? I'd rather spend all my days isolating myself and trying to not to cry than than adversely affect others.EDIT: In summary I just accept the depression as the lesser of two evils.

author: EEVblog
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 10:38:47 am
content: Quote from: lapm on May 30, 2015, 08:13:40 am+1

author: nctnico
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 11:39:43 am
content: Quote from: Mechanical Menace on May 30, 2015, 10:25:57 amThat doesn't sound very healthy to me. I once knew a guy who just couldn't be happy about anything (depressed FUBAR style). He had everything going for him (good job, couple of kids, loving girlfriend) but there was never light at the end of the tunnel for him. In the end he cleared out his savings and went to Thailand to party with drinks and women but even that didn't make him happy. In the end he made sure the train didn't miss him (and got about 30000 people stuck at a music festival by doing so). From that I learned that it is important to make sure you do things that make you happy or at least feel good and if your life isn't organised in a way that makes you feel good you have to re-organise it.

author: Mechanical Menace
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 12:12:11 pm
content: Nctino thanks but it's not that I can't be happy, it's that I find it hard to tell the difference between an onset of mania and just being happy because things are good. And I'm one of those who gets delusions of grandeur and more than a bit... psychopathic when manic. So I'mhappierdepressed and knowing I'm not going to come around one day remembering what I've done and said. Even if I wasn't in my right mind I wasn't insane and should have known better. I wouldn't kill myself though, even though I'm aware of my failings I have an overinflated view of myself lol.

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 03:50:09 pm
content: QuoteAbsolutely know what you're talking about! Unaffected people won't understand. As I said in the video, usually, the lows are in equal amplitude as the highs. So if you're having a time of your life, are on cloud 9 and are on top of the world, you do have to think about whether or not the next low may be the last. It's sad but true. I have developed a just as dangerous "live every high like it could be your last" attitude. It's dominated by reckless behaviour.P.S. That reminds me of the line "I'm so happy I could kill myself." Yet again a line you can only understand if you've felt that way.QuoteBelieve it or not, cutting is actually an improvement. People around me are glad when I "only cut this time." I have no problem admitting that I took a .40 caliber handgun to my head last year. I only got through that because a friend was extremely aware of me being "off" in earlier text messages. I didn't talk about anything negative or announce what I was about to do. He just had familiarized himself with the signs beforehand. For him I was "too nice" and too "unargumentative." Glad he did, the officers arrived just in time. But that was before I took medications. Now I'm stable in that I "only" cut or behave reckless.QuoteDoesn't matter what you believe in as long as it helps you!

author: mcinque
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 07:26:24 pm
content: you have all my respect man.

author: void_error
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 09:10:59 pm
content: Quote from: SL4P on May 30, 2015, 05:49:47 amI've always wondered how people can be optimistic about anything... I can't. I always see the worst part of things but I've learned to live with them even if that makes my pessimism more extreme but I guess that's what drives me. I'm never happy with anything I do no matter how close to perfection it is in my point of view, even though everyone else tells me whatever I designed/built is awesome. Gave up all hope that there's still a light at the end of the tunnel which at times seems to be just a closed circle.Quote from: SL4P on May 30, 2015, 05:49:47 amI went through that in my teens, ended up with at least a few dozen visible scars... not exactly the best part of my life.On the other hand I don't really think I have bipolar disorder, I just feel that my enthusiasm about electronics projects has worn off over they years even though I've learned a lot of new stuff during the last two years and even more since I joined this forum.

author: connectTek
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 09:45:07 pm
content: Diagnosed 20 years ago.Been off the mediction for 5 years now.Hardest part of this illnes is other people, they cant SEE my disability.Im a pessimist, my saftey net. :-)I have developed my own coping skills, but it still can be a lonely anxious place.Please dont push my buttons and im ok, most times!I hope i can help other people whom suffer this disability.Cheers.Pete.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 10:35:25 pm
content: ConnectTek -Hardest part of this illnes is other people, they cant SEE my disability.That's a big deal...People - without thinking - often believe you 'fall back' onto depression as a way out - like ADHD has become popular in the last twenty years.Both are real, and may or may not be correctly diagnosed - often by doctors untrained in 'what to look for', or dissipated by thatdistancefrom 'people that are different'.On several occasions - I have 'reached out' to the publicly declared 'support organisations' - and in my experience they are useless. In one specific case (RUOK during a recent media campaign), said "we don't actually handle these cases - call XXX. YYZY or ZZZ". WTF do they do? Collect donations... The SALVOS are another interesting case... they dispense emergency Centrelink welfare under Centrelink rules. To receive anything more complex, I was told you need to be a member of the Salvos church flock - the retirement homes etc.The other weak link: That most of the assistance offered are 'nice people' on the phone that don't have complex experience or training, and read their help from a pre-written template that avoids liability - subsequently offering little help in the dynamics of individual cases.Once again funds in, salaries out, minimal risk... "we do what we can".The front line staff are genuinely interested in helping as many people as they can, but constrained by budget & management policies - becoming hog-tied by protocol and actuaries.Lose the computers, and put on your 'listening ears'!

author: NiHaoMike
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 10:41:26 pm
content: In high school, I once spotted what looked like cut marks and blood stains on my friend's arm. I didn't have time to ask her what happened so needless to say, I was very worried about her for the rest of the day. (It didn't help that she was very pretty and smart...) Thankfully, the next day, she revealed that it was just paint and she actually did it as a stunt to see how many would panic in response.

author: Mechanical Menace
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 10:51:08 pm
content: Quote from: SL4P on May 30, 2015, 10:35:25 pmThat's one reason I'm quite open about my bipolar and co-morbid ADHD. They're a bit like Assburgers*, a trendy way for certain groups of people who don't have them to try and negate responsibility for being massive douches...Now I am a massive douche, but that's just a character trait not a result of my conditions.*As opposed to Asperger's

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 30, 2015, 10:58:30 pm
content: This could turn into a huge discussion, as I see traits of various conditions in many 'real' EE's.Not so much hobbyists, or tinkerers, but people that take the commitment seriously.Perhaps the intense concentration, or working in a domain that 95% of the population have no interest.Young people should be steered into a healthy balance - I wasn't.

author: timofonic
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 12:13:42 am
content: Quote from: Mechanical Menace on May 30, 2015, 10:51:08 pmWell, ADHD can be bipolar in a more or less way. But I'm more in the depression side, because I'm unable to get results without tons of support and that costs MONEY.I'm ADHD andI showed my "shit" here too, but I'm too afraid to make a public video and such. Maybe I'll do it once I'm satisfied with my knowledge and able to get stable incomes, someday.Anyway, I'm starting to think my diagnostic isn't good enough. I'm having anhedonia/depressive phases, but never self harmed myself (I thinked about it, even simulated them in my mind in an extremely detailed way). I just was in my bed or couch doing nothing, reading shit on Internet, talking by phone with friends or chatting to distract from my shitty thinkings (like now, but I'm feeling better). I also try to meet people, but my experience is that people see you in low mood and run away unless they are real friends that really appreciate you (I have very few of them).I can be very empathic with people I appreciate, but a bit "assburger" when I'm full of anxiety or an environment I dislike. And that happens tons of times, but it seems I often choose the wrong environments for my activities (and my town is full of shit, too).Quote from: SL4P on May 30, 2015, 10:35:25 pmNot looking disabled can be an advantage sometimes, but not when you need help. And that's a pain in the ass.Here most support groups are useless, most of them are just disguised business that want monthly fees and offer psychotherapy discounts. NGOs in Spain are totally full of shit.And they often have no clue about Adult ADHD support, but some of us are difficult beasts and require private tutors if your self-steem is very related to our studies and long unemployment. We aren't good for getting profits because we can have low incomes, like an immature adult.In my experience, most doctors don't know a shit or just try to not think much about it because they are unable to give you the necessary time and effort (that costs money!). They often are too inclined in doing tests, or just trust in their "clinic eye". And public mental health sucks here, and I'm unable to pay for it.If you are "mad" and poor, you are fucked up. Period.

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 01:53:42 am
content: Wow, I had a feeling that there must be many EEs that are affected by this but I didn't expect this overwhelming response. This is great, let's keep this thread going. It's nice to see that many people on here describe feelings that sound all too familiar. Society, especially in the US, feels uncomfortable when dealing with mental disorders. Often because people are somewhat creeped out by anything they can't grasp. But many people with bipolar disorder are excelling at what they do so I knew that professional EEs just had to be a heavily affected group.Not sure if anybody wants to go as far as openly discussing what medications they take but maybe it helps some who don't have the right combination yet. I'll put substance name and US brand name as they vary around teh world. I take Quetiapine (Seroquel) at night. It has a similar "don't care" effect like alcohol and helps to just tune out the world and go to sleep. It's antihistamine properties also make you sleep like a baby. Good sleep is key in both major depression and bipolar disorder. Then in teh morning I take escitalopram (Lexapro), a serotonegetic antidepressant. It helps getting out of bed during down phases. Also in the mornings I take Aripiprazole (Abilify). It's an atypical antipsychotic similar to Quetiapine (Seroquel) but newer. And newer is better, right?

author: timofonic
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 02:09:19 am
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on May 31, 2015, 01:53:42 amMaybe this is half offtopic, but I can show my drugs...First I was into Strattera. Later I was into a 54mg Concerta generic that gave me good results for some time but lately I had anxiety attacks and too ineffective at doing things. Now they switched me back to Strattera, less anxiety but still depressed and dumb as a potato.Ironically, Strattera was developed as being an antidepressive and later used for ADHD treatment.Antidepressive stuff is dangerous in ADHD it seems. It needs to be controlled carefully, it can make us dumber.I have severe sleep problems. It's 4AM here and can't sleepI also smoke sometimes, despite I try to avoid it. It's one of the few things that calms me and makes me less lazy, pseudoamphetamine wasn't enough and Strattera is like lemonade to me.Mental health doesn't recommend to use caffeine, but I sometimes do it by the morning (but rarely).

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 02:20:50 am
content: Only recently assessed - not yet diagnosed --EPILIM twice a day. Valium (very infrequently) if I know i'm going into a conflict - so I don't just get up and walk out of the meeting!I've always slept like a baby whenever and wherever I want. Lucky there!That was brought about by travelling extensively as a child - 5-9 years old around the world - and subsequently going into broadcast television (post-operations & engineering / management). That means you work 24/7 anyway - you just sleep when you can, or need to.Sadly when that was all over 15 years ago - I heard that an irregular circadian rhythm can be a precursor to diabetes - so I drew the short straw... but had a great time getting here! Then was completely shafted by business partner which dumped stress on top.

author: Mechanical Menace
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 02:48:59 am
content: My meds are constantly changing when I don't just stop taking them, which I do too often if I'm honest. Some of them make me feel stupid, some of them make me lazy, all of them make me unable to eat and mess up my already screwed sleeping pattern. Apparently people with my particular mix of symptoms are very hard to find the right balance to help, and the normal problems with abusing meds, ignoring them, or self medicating are amplified. I think my current shrink is just trying to keep me going until I can finally get in with one of the 4/5 specialists in the country. One has already confirmed the diagnosis but it's waiting until they can fit me in, and tbh I know others need them more.I also smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish, but try to eat healthily and exercise regularly, even if it sometimes is no more than a good walk lol.

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 02:57:08 am
content: QuoteToo common for most of us. They dampen our natural highs, they dull out our personalities, etc. Being bipolar or depressive sucks a** but at the end of the day it defines who we are. Medication may keep us alive but I often develop a" f*ck this" attitude towards them as my highs and lows define the person that I am. They take my lows but they also take my highs. Tough to deal with.QuoteDon't smoke, don't drink coffee. But I understand teh remainder. It's the best mind-numbing drug. better than any antipsychotic.

author: EEVblog
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 03:12:37 am
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on May 30, 2015, 03:50:09 pmOk, I know this is America, but I can't read this and not say something, I'm sorry, I care too much for your safety and for those around you, so please don't take this the wrong way.Why on earth do you have a gun or have access to a gun?Please carefully consider removing all guns or access to guns from your life, for your own sake and for that of others.

author: steve30
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 03:26:58 am
content: Not experienced bipolar disorder myself, but I've had problems with depression and anxiety for years. I've been on medication for just over 4 years, and it helps a lot, but is not a cure. Currently I use 40mg Citalopram, which seems to work well. Previous to that I had 150mg Sertraline, which didn't help much, and made me sweat way too much. The first anti depressant I use was Escitalopram (10mg) which worked very well, but then stopped working, though it might have been circumstances which made my problems worse at the time.I've never smoked, so I can't comment on that. I find alcohol doesn't really help, but I do like beer, so I have the odd pint now and then - enjoy to be enjoyable, but not enough to make me feel ill.Keeping fit and eating healthy is also good, but sometimes in order to stay fit, I have to leave the house, and that makes my anxiety worse, so it doesn't always help.

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 03:30:06 am
content: QuoteI won't take it the wrong way, I'm German.QuoteBecause this is America. I own a .22 Walther P22, a .40 Glock 23 and a 7mm magnum rifle.QuoteI did. I gave my .22 to a Sheriff's Deputy friend and all my other firearms to an Airforce Pilot friend of mine who I trust to not give them back to me until I am stable.

author: Halcyon
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 05:51:38 am
content: Quote from: SeanB on May 30, 2015, 07:13:56 amMany people don't realise that self harm doesn't always equal an attempt at suicide. Many people use self harm (cutting etc...) as a means to cope and have absolutely no intention of killing themselves. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone what their intentions are.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 05:57:59 am
content: An interesting point raised..Almost every time I talk to a 'professional', they ask if I have any thoughts of self-harm or hurting others. I'm not the least bit interested in hurting myself, and the only person I'd 'slip the dagger' into would be my former business partner if I ever had the chance!What worries me is leaving my life in the hands of others 'with my best interests in mind' as my physical situation drops away.I'm Just looking for that bend in the tunnel... what a dumbass!

author: VK3DRB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 08:26:24 am
content: The plethora of guns in the so-called "land of the free" is simply grotesque and criminal. There is no excuse for it.Back onto the main subject...I have no data to back me up but only experience in suggesting that in Australia a greater percentage of ham radio operators and electronic engineers (I am both) suffer from some form of mental illnesses or personality disorder than in the general population. Oddly enough, living in Texas for a while I found ham radio operators and engineers there more "normal" than those here.Most people who suffer mental illness do so through no fault of their own. Some relatives suffer from mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar and mild Aspergers). The one with schizophrenia was triggered by immense personal trauma. He manages it thought medication.However a daughter of a good friend and former engineering colleague caused her own mental illness. She is an methamphetimine addict. She has robbed people, prostituted herself, mixed with criminal bikie gangs, and according to her parents probably has permanent brain damage. Ice is a serious plague in Australia. The government has taken a soft approach to it in my opinion.There is an organisation here calledhttps://www.beyondblue.org.au/. It is exemplary in helping people.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: May 31, 2015, 08:41:52 am
content: Quote from: VK3DRB on May 31, 2015, 08:26:24 amI agree that ice (meth) is being overtalked and underaddressed in Australia... There's no money in it for the responsible authorities - just more work.However, I'd like to be corrected on my opinion of beyondblue - when I phoned them 18 months ago, the first call hit an answering machine, and the second told me to ring 'lifeline', or 'men's help line'...No wonder I'm pessimistic about available help.

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: June 01, 2015, 04:33:50 pm
content: QuoteGetting help is surprisingly difficult many of the times. Even the suicide hotlines and such are often staffed by non-professional volunteers with little to basic training. During severe down phases, if someone calls the cops, all they're gonna do - at least here in the US - is lock you up for 48 - 72 hours on a suicide hold without any actual help. I got to "enjoy" a 72 hour suicide hold last year and I talked maybe a total of 5 minutes to a doctor during that stay. And they only asked "How are you feeling? Do you wanna hurt yourself? Do you wanna hurt anybody else?" That's it, absolutely nothing useful. What people don't get is that when depressive people come forward and actually ask for help, they need help. Usually, coming forward and sharing with someone what we did (cutting, etc.) is tough enough. If the following experience is not a good one, we won't ask for help again.

author: Mechanical Menace
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 01, 2015, 05:10:17 pm
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on June 01, 2015, 04:33:50 pmAnd of course you'd never lie if you were planning either :/QuoteAnd I think it's hard for people to realise how much harder than normally asking for help is. It's not like we don't know how... ridiculous it can sound ourselves.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 02, 2015, 12:00:56 am
content: I was thinking about this more over the weekend. And the issue I'm seeing as the common 'solution' is just to to 'tell' you what to do.Whereas. I get depressed and discouraged very quickly if I don't see 'small steps' in the right direction.Simply saying 'try to get out' and come see me again in 3 weeks - works for about 3-4 days.In my case, I think a bit of handholding, and incremental rewards (glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel) would make recovery far more likely.Currently I run about one week up, then two weeks down. Not really helping.

author: SArepairman
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: June 02, 2015, 03:06:41 am
content: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1a5QQoHh60&feature=youtu.be

author: calexanian
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 02, 2015, 05:36:48 am
content: Quote from: EEVblog on May 31, 2015, 03:12:37 amDave, what you said needs to be said. I lost a friend a few years ago. He suffered from both Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. He was a very talented musician. Part of his condition was being a savant. Unfortunately this ultimately added to his isolation where he only felt comfortable performing on stage or around other musicians. Following a period where that stimulation was not as present as it should be he took his like with a rifle. His condition was understood by people around him, but what could we have done? locked him away? Made him feel even more trapped by his condition? Gun or not he would have done it anyways we later found out. Next thing would have been with pills. Never the less a tragedy. I will continue to own my guns though.That being said.For as progressive as our lets call it "Liberal" media is over here by way of the politically correctness we are subjected to, the question of why is mental health not addressed in our country always comes to the front of my mind. Is it so important that we not possible offend anybody that it cannot be discussed? The same goes for domestic violence and drugs. All we hear is the death toll. Not anybody addressing it and admitting that a significant portion of the population has some kind of mental health problem, or deep psychological trauma. We cant bring it up though because certain groups may be offended. They are the first one to point fingers when a troubled person drives their car through a crowded market or a busy sidewalk at society, but these finger pointers are the first ones to attack when you try to address that a specific person needs help. I could go on for hours about this broken system we have. My friend Dr Drew does regularly.

author: calexanian
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 02, 2015, 05:39:11 am
content: Quote from: SArepairman on June 02, 2015, 03:06:41 amNot to be an ass but not cool. My friend who killed himself as said above used lots of pot to try to take the edge off of his condition. In the end it was a fools errand.

author: calexanian
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 02, 2015, 05:51:16 am
content: I think I hit one of my own nerves. We also have various conditions in my family. GAD on one side, OCD on the other, and my sibling has all the signs of bipolar, however they do not believe in addressing it. I saw the patterns and being the baby of the bunch I decided to get out in front of it and do something before the wave crashed on me, and I could feel it coming. For me it took mostly internal work. I had to come to terms with the person I thought I was and reconcile it with the person I thought I needed to be. I needed medication to get over my hump. I was suffering from the beginning stages of GAD. I was really getting freaked out about the concept of eternity. The fear that we might really have to deal with it. Everybody prays for life to go on after death, but do they really know what they are asking for? After the therapist talked me down out of that shit spiral and got me under control I realized that it does not matter and I am a good person surrounded by good people. To break it down in terms we can understand, if when I go and somebody hits the big MCLR in my mind, I will not be around to care or know any better. Reality most likely takes care of that little problem of having a consciousness that has to hang around looking at the same grains of sand for eternity.Sorry I got off topic here. I try to help out local NAMI organization. They promote awareness of mental illness concerns.

author: zapta
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 03, 2015, 03:43:25 am
content: Quote from: SL4P on June 02, 2015, 12:00:56 am... which brings to mind the ethereal Stop It sketch.I don't think I can offer any help but you have my sympathy.

author: EEVblog
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: June 03, 2015, 04:04:20 am
content: Quote from: calexanian on June 02, 2015, 05:36:48 amMental health was a huge key election promise in a recent federal election here, almost to the point of being the most important election topic.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 04, 2015, 06:27:14 am
content: I'll raise another factor here, which is a key to my depressive moments... fear.I've had a few life experiences - most of the great, but always tried to live for the benefit of those around me in the 'hope' the appropriate reward would come my way if it was due... I'm an idiot.After being screwed over too many times I'm out of options now, and unable fight back - living in fear of situations which might take me down further. Health, finances, everything is pretty close to rock bottom.

author: BradC
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 04, 2015, 07:04:27 am
content: Quote from: SL4P on June 04, 2015, 06:27:14 amI can relate to that. Spent the 1st 40 years of my life with the assumption that I had to make everyone like me. That meant I spent an inordinate amount of time prioritizing other people over myself and my family, very nearly resulting in the breakdown of my marriage.The biggest revelation for me was that I am actually different than most, and I don't get a lot of simple social cues that come naturally to others. Conversely I have skills and abilities that turn out to be pretty highly valued that I've spent 40 years downplaying because more people "liked" me when they felt I was inferior to them. I now have a lot fewer friends, but those that stuck around turned out to be the sort of friends that help you movie bodies. I have more time for my family, and I actually don't stress about whether people like me or not. Real friends don't actually take advantage of you.Now it has taken nearly 5 years of regular sessions with a psychologist, and 4 years on anti-depressants (came off in feb-mar) to get to where I can actually function well again, but the end result is on the whole each day has been better than the last. Contrast that to 2010 where I'd reached the end of my rope and just wanted out and things are generally much better.Everyone is different, and every situation is generally completely unique, but I've discovered a few little things that have helped me and can be pretty generally applicable.- I'm different and that's actually ok.- Don't worry about things you have no control over. I can worry about and fix my car, but I can't do anything about what the ATO is likely to say in this years assessment.- Everybody has bad days. I've recently had to re-learn this as the medication generally stopped me having bad days. It also stopped me having good days, generally leaving me in a permanent state of "meh".- People (and friends) are generally a pretty selfish bunch. Keep the ones that aren't and throw the rest back in the lake. Success is not measured by the number of friends you have (despite what bookface would have you believe).- Don't measure yourself against anyone else. We all have different scales.- Social networks are generally incredibly damaging to the self-esteem of most sane people (I've only witnessed this second hand as I refuse to play that game. I'm still friends with the school friends I want to keep in contact with).- Alcohol will make you feel much worse both short and long term. I still love my Scotch, but it's no longer a refuge.Nothing I can say will help any of you other than as another voice to say "it affects me too".

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 04, 2015, 07:46:03 am
content: 100% on all those points.I just left it a bit late!Still a dumbass optimist tho'

author: jay
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: June 07, 2015, 07:35:47 am
content: KF50BS, I think it's great that you're willing to talk about this things publicly. These things are not uncommon, but still a lot of people have all sorts of misconceptions about these things.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: June 10, 2015, 08:49:37 am
content: you'll appreciate this...I'm just as likely to be the guy with the V, happy in the knowledge no-one will see my fingers, but others that can't see 'the big picture' make simple incorrect assumptions!

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: August 04, 2015, 01:50:03 am
content: I thought I'd bump this thread and give an update. When I originally started this thread, I thought I kinda hit my rock bottom and it could only move forward from there. Little did I expect me to be found blood covered in the pouring rain in front of my house sometime mid June. So that's when I thought "now this MUST be rock bottom!" Little did I expect that on my birthday, June 29th, things would go so drastically out of hand that I don't even want to describe it. What followed was one night in the County Jail in "protective custody" and a 7 day government paid trip to the State Hospital. Great birthday, talk about a wake-up call.Since then I have debated going back to Germany. On one side I think having friends and family may be beneficial, on the other I am uncertain if this may be just running away from the problem. For starters, my primary Boss (I'm an independent contractor) has relocated me to Oklahoma, where the company's headquarters are. A change of venue was likely needed. He's also paying for a Psychiatrist twice a week. And just working in an actual office on a 9:00 - 17:00 type schedule instead of being at home basically 24/7 and sleeping / working whenever desired is helping quite a bit, too.Has anyone else have to share any recovery stories / suggestions?

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 04, 2015, 02:51:25 am
content: I's great to hear that you're confronting it rather than running way from your demons.It may have been a harsh slap in the lockup, but it didn't kill you - so must be a light shining in the right direction! Your dialogue certainly says you are looking outward, rather than being too reflective.My doctor - seeing him again tonight - has made an initial assessment of a hyperthymic personality, but in trying to find a therapist for me - says they're hard to find!Maybe more info tomorrow... Good luck on your journey.Take care, but it sounds you're heading in the right direction emotionally.

author: zapta
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 04, 2015, 03:22:16 am
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on August 04, 2015, 01:50:03 amNot personally but this is a tech/gadget related blogger that I follow and once in a while he tells about his struggle with depression. He is married with at least one kid and an ex Microsoft employee.

author: SL4P
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 04, 2015, 03:38:49 am
content: I add a reason I believe a lot of people with an 'engineer personality' have problems...'We're solving problems that other people don't even know they have!'

author: Richard Crowley
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 04, 2015, 04:04:27 am
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on August 04, 2015, 01:50:03 amhttp://www.amazon.com/Depression-The-Way-Neil-Nedley/dp/0966197941I have met the author and he is a very smart and caring person. Not your typical physician.I believe he operates a depression clinic in the midwest somewhere.

author: German_EE
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 04, 2015, 08:48:16 pm
content: Good to see that you're still around, I was beginning to worry. Working in an office instead of by yourself will help and having a boss who understands and is willing to pay for a Psychiatrist is amazing so hats off to himIf I were you I would stay in OK for now. The culture shock of moving from the USA to Germany plus the hassle of dealing with the German health system is the last thing you need right now.

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: August 06, 2015, 03:40:42 pm
content: QuoteI thought about the latter. My step-dad offered to pay private practice. But it looks that staying here is the right choice for now. My employer is extremely supportive. I mean how many bosses can you call from a state hospital, tell them you're involuntarily committed for trying to kill yourself a few times and still have a job when you get out? Not many. And how many will actively negotiate with the hospital, negotiate your release, drive 4 hours to come pick you up and have an apartment completely ready and set up for you by the time you get there? That has extremely high value for me at the moment.All sponsors for my blog got an eMail before I posted here, explaining all the circumstances. The responses are all quite positive. So I'm confident to continue the blog once I have my lab all set up.

author: zapta
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 07, 2015, 03:33:30 am
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on August 06, 2015, 03:40:42 pmIt also means that you are a special person that is not worth loosing. Not necessarily he will do it for anybody.

author: ez24
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 07, 2015, 06:31:21 am
content: QuoteHow is this possible with their "happy" Aussie accent ?My story: During my breakdown I confessed to the doc that I had a gun collection when asked and it was taken away from me. My "problem" was diagnosed as no sleep. A few months later I got my guns back. My mind was so screwed up, I did not even know I was not sleeping. I asked the doc why he took my guns away (I never mention any harm to myself or others), he said it was just too easy sometimes for people to just pull the trigger. It has been 5 years and no meds and no docs, but plenty of sleep

author: BalticLab
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: August 23, 2015, 03:43:44 am
content: I finally wrote up what happened in more detail. Here's the article:https://jaunty-electronics.com/blog/2015/08/blog-inactivity-depression-gone-wrong/

author: Mechanical Menace
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: August 23, 2015, 11:41:28 am
content: Quote from: KF5OBS on August 04, 2015, 01:50:03 amIt's almost a decade since my last major manic episode and I still haven't gotten over the embarrassment. Right now I'm drug free and have been for years apart from a small collection of "just in case if they're needed" meds, I have very very good friends I don't really deserve and a half decent social life which seems to help an awful lot. But I flat out refuse to do anything about my down periods. It's too easy to get the balance wrong and end up pushing myself over into a egocentric almost psychopathic rampage and I'd rather pretend there's nothing wrong than end up there again.So I'm sorry but apart from making sure you socialise with your friends I can't suggest anything. I only have coping mechanisms and most of them are still unhealthy. But they do stop me hurting others which is my number one priority.