Lame joke time. - Page 1
Forum section: electronics / general

author: wilfred
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 06:20:42 am
content: A guy walks into a bar and orders ten times the beers everyone else has. The barman says "Now THAT's and order of magnitude!"

author: strangelovemd12
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 06:37:13 am
content: There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.*chirp*What? Did I tell it wrong?

author: c4757p
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:03:18 am
content: There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand ternary, those who do not, and those who confuse it for binary.

author: sachleen
author_rank: Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:27:01 am
content: I preferQuote

author: c4757p
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:29:45 am
content: Ah yes, that version actually has the potential to be funny. Mine spoils the joke before it's over...

author: strangelovemd12
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:37:53 am
content: Whatever the format, I think we can all agree that there are n types of people in this world, and none of them use quadrivigesimal. Unless they use a credit card.

author: Skimask
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:46:28 am
content: What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

author: Rerouter
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:47:35 am
content: What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?Dam Wall(You asked for lame jokes)

author: Stonent
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 07:48:46 am
content: Quote from: Skimask on January 01, 2014, 07:46:28 amBean him because he's about to walk anyway.

author: peter.mitchell
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 08:05:08 am
content: If only you and dead people can read HEX how many people can read hex?57006

author: Stonent
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 08:16:29 am
content: Quote from: peter.mitchell on January 01, 2014, 08:05:08 amDEAE?

author: free_electron
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 08:31:09 am
content: How do you make an elephant disappear ?Put a bowler hat on it.Ever seen an elephant with a bowler hat ? So that's proof it works !

author: andtfoot
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 09:20:06 am
content: Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?For being outstanding in his field.

author: experimentalist
author_rank: Newbie
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 09:26:46 am
content: Quote from: Stonent on January 01, 2014, 08:16:29 am57006 is gools upside down.

author: ludzinc
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:22:42 am
content: *AKA DAD'S JOKES *What's blue and smells like red paint?Blue Paint!What's the difference between Broccoli and cold snot?You can't get kids to eat Broccoli!

author: PA0PBZ
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 11:37:45 am
content: Quote from: experimentalist on January 01, 2014, 09:26:46 amAlso DEAD + 1 (you)

author: deth502
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 11:54:10 am
content: why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.a grizzly bear walks into a bar. he tells the bartender, "ill have a scotch.................on the rocks"the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"the bear replies, "i dont know, ive always had them"i tried to push the envelope, but i found it was stationary.

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 12:22:55 pm
content: What do you find up a clean nose?Fingerprints

author: G7PSK
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 12:44:50 pm
content: A man walks into a pharmacy in Glasgow where there is a Sweedish assistant and asks for some deodorant, the assistant asks him "Ball or aerosol" in a heavy accent, the man reply's " I was hoping for underarm actually"

author: TerraHertz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 12:56:38 pm
content: What do you call a Klingon machinist?Swarf.Conductance is infutile!

author: peter.mitchell
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 01:41:47 pm
content: Quote from: PA0PBZ on January 01, 2014, 11:37:45 am10/10Quote from: G7PSK on January 01, 2014, 12:44:50 pmThat is actually a pretty good one.Quote from: ludzinc on January 01, 2014, 10:22:42 amWhat is red and looks like a bucket?A red bucket.What is blue and looks like a bucket?A blue bucket?No, a red bucket in disguise.Did you hear about the irish man who tried to blow up the bus?He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 02:12:34 pm
content: A rope walks to a bar and the sign outside says "We do not serve ropes." The rope ties himself into a knot and frays his ends a bit. He walks into the bar and the bartender says "We do not serve ropes in here and you're a rope aincha'?" The rope says "No, I'm afraid not."

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 02:28:34 pm
content: Quote from: lemmegraphdat on January 01, 2014, 02:12:34 pmProbably the same bar...A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you" the white horse replies "What... Eric?"

author: NiHaoMike
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 03:06:14 pm
content: Quote from: sachleen on January 01, 2014, 07:27:01 amThose who understand binary...Those who don't...Those who are undecided...Those who don't answer...And those who argue!

author: Neilm
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 03:08:41 pm
content: Quote from: Rerouter on January 01, 2014, 07:47:35 amTwo fish in a tank. One looks at the other and says "You drive, I work the guns"

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 03:13:55 pm
content: Quote from: c4757p on January 01, 2014, 07:03:18 amThere are 111 types of people in the world: those who understand unary && have poor attention span, those who understand unary && do not have oooh a butterfly ...

author: free_electron
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 03:37:24 pm
content: A byte walks in to a bar.The bartender looks at it and says : you sick ?The byte says : how'd you know?The bartender answers : you look a bit off.

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 03:47:27 pm
content: Quote from: free_electron on January 01, 2014, 03:37:24 pmThat joke was a bit disparate.

author: kolbep
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 04:02:57 pm
content: Ok,So Dave walked into a BarChris Ducked.........Think About it

author: alanb
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 04:11:12 pm
content: Quote from: strangelovemd12 on January 01, 2014, 06:37:13 amYou told it wrongly, There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that dont.

author: strangelovemd12
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 04:20:50 pm
content: Quote from: kolbep on January 01, 2014, 04:02:57 pmChris walked into a bar.Dave didn't have to duck.Hydrogen: I've lost an electron!Helium: Are you sure?Hydrogen: I'm positive.

author: GeoffS
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 04:39:33 pm
content: Quote from: alanb on January 01, 2014, 04:11:12 pmAnd there are those where a joke goes right over their head.

author: Jay_Diddy_B
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 05:03:37 pm
content: Did you know when the guy who invented the binary code died. He left behind many loved ones and zeroesJay_Diddy_B

author: echen1024
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 06:13:32 pm
content: Resistance is not futile. It is V/IWhy are they called hyperlinks?Too much JavaWhy are Christmas and Halloween the same to engineers?OCT31=DEC25Why did the hard drive go to the doctor?Too many bytes.Three statisticians go duck hunting. Their dog chases out a duck and it starts to fly. The first statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too high. The second statistician aims and takes his shot, it misses a foot too low. The third statistician says, "We got him!"A byte walks into bar and orders a drink. The bar tender pours him a cold one and says, "You alright?"The byte responds, "Parity error."The bartender says, "Yeah, you looked a bit off."Why did the MCU take a painkiller?Because it megahertz

author: Kjetil
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 06:22:10 pm
content: Schrödingers cat walks into a bar, and doesn't.What is the difference between a lightsaber and a flashlight?You pick up more chicks with a lightsaber.How long does Luke Skywalker have to sleep?One jedi knight!Why are droid makers never lonely?They're always making new friends!

author: smashedProton
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 06:43:33 pm
content: What do you call a cow who lost a leg?..... Lean beef!

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 08:01:00 pm
content: Women walks into a bar with a pig under her arm. Bartender sais "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here."Women sais "It's not a dog, it's a pig."Bartender sais "I was talking to the pig."

author: os40la
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 08:55:39 pm
content: A baby seal walks into a club...

author: Kjetil
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 09:03:44 pm
content: Quote from: os40la on January 01, 2014, 08:55:39 pmWas it a Greenpeace club?Hmm, whenever I look for jokes about Australia I only get sheep jokes, strange

author: nctnico
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 09:17:13 pm
content: It is green and it goes downhill....... a Skiwi !

author: mtdoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 09:26:07 pm
content: Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two.One to screw in the light bulb -------and one not to.

author: Kjetil
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 09:47:16 pm
content: Q: How many storm troopers does it take to change a glow panel?A: Two! One to change it and the other to shoot him and take all the credit!

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:03:00 pm
content: Quote from: Kjetil on January 01, 2014, 09:03:44 pmThis calls for ...

author: 8086
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:08:41 pm
content: Quote from: G7PSK on January 01, 2014, 12:44:50 pm

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:21:02 pm
content: Quote from: nctnico on January 01, 2014, 09:17:13 pmThat's adorable.

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:29:41 pm
content: Quote from: lemmegraphdat on January 01, 2014, 10:21:02 pmThat's what she said!

author: c4757p
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:33:19 pm
content: Quote from: wilfred on January 01, 2014, 06:20:42 amQuote from: mrflibble on January 01, 2014, 10:29:41 pmmrflibble wins the thread!

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 10:58:52 pm
content: Quote from: c4757p on January 01, 2014, 10:33:19 pmThank you, thank you! I'll be here all week!

author: digsys
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 01, 2014, 11:03:00 pm
content: I blame the toxic smoke off the fireworks ...

author: nitro2k01
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 12:00:56 am
content: One I got in a spam once:Konfucius say: Foolish man have small piano. Wise man have big organ.Yeah...

author: peter.mitchell
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 01:50:38 am
content: A platypus walks into a pharmacy, and hes like "Could I have some chapstick? And can you put it on my bill?"A man is running around yelling "I'm a wigwam, i'm a tipi, i'm a wigwam, i'm a tipi" so i go to the fellow "calm down man, you're two tents..."

author: digsys
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 02:05:53 am
content: Sheeesh ok -So, Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.The bartender says, "Okay, I'll serve you a beer, just don't get any ideas."A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer."How much will that be?" asks the neutron."For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"Silence is golden. Duct Tape is silver. Coincidence? I think not!

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 02:34:11 am
content: A big brown bear went to the bar to have a drink.Frustrated at not being served he took a big bite out of the barA little while later the bar tender approached and asked him to leave."All I want is a beer" retorted the bear."We don't serve beer to drugo's" said the bar tender"I'm not on drugs!" snapped the bearUnperturbed the bar tender asked "Isn't that a bar bit you ate!"

author: hiddensoul
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 02:42:23 am
content: A photon walks up to the bar.The bartender says "I didn't see you come in, which door did you come in the front door or the back door" ?To which the photon replies "I came in both doors because you weren't looking"

author: Unknown
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 02:50:40 am
content: Quote from: digsys on January 02, 2014, 02:05:53 amGrey actually.I think this thread is a great example of why a joke thread shouldn't be started on a forum where a large percentage of posters don't speak English as a first language!

author: Frenchie
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 03:00:38 am
content: A neutrino walks into a bar, the bartender says 'Sorry we don't serve neutrinos here'. The neutrino replies 'That's okay, I'm only passing through'.

author: gnif
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 03:12:39 am
content: Schroedinger and Heisenberg get pulled over for speeding, the officer approaches Heisenberg and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?", at which he replies, "No! But I can tell you exactly where I was!". Puzzled by this response the officer decides to look the car over and upon opening the boot finds a dead cat, so he returns to the window and asks "Did you know there is a dead cat in your boot?" at which Schroedinger replies, "I do now!".Did you hear that two men were pulled over the other day... one was eating fireworks and the other was drinking battery acid.No?They charged one and let the other off.

author: free_electron
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 04:25:47 am
content: two cops are driving, on nightshift, through a street of which the left side belongs to one county and the right side belongs to anouther county. On their side of the road they found a guy that couldn't take it anymore and hanged himself from a tree.As it is close to 6AM, and their shift is almost over they decide to move the guy to the other side of the road and let the cops of the other county take care of all the paperwork and hassle.5 minutes later they corpse is hanging from a treebranch on the other side and the cops make like a tree and leave.A bit later the patrol car from the other county comes through and sees the guy hanging from the tree.Their reaction : Dammit , they put him back.---A journalist for the New york times is driving around looking for a scoop when he spots a three legged chicken. Thinking that will fill a hole ona page somewhere he tries to approach the chicken to get a good picture , but the chicken runs off down the street. the journalist gives chase but very quickly realises this chicken is waaay to fast for him , so he goes back to his car and begins pursuit.he spots the chicken andcreeps up to it ,the chicken spots him and starts running. 10 miles, 20 miles , 30 miles, 40 miles an hour at which the chicken makes a 90 degree turn and enters a farm and disappears into the barn. The journalist parks the car , gets out and walk to the farmhouse.He rings the bell.A old codger opens the door and the journalist ask : is that your 3 legged chicken ?The farmer goes: Yep.Journalist : Wow, that is surely is exceptional.Farmer; nope, we breed em.Journalist : Really ? Why ?Farmer: Well , theres the missus, me and my son. We all like thigh meat. If we prepare one chicken we are short one thigh, if we prepare two chickens we have one thigh too many. So we breed three legged chickens.Journalist : Wow. that is really worth an article. Tell me , do they taste the same as ordinary chickens ?Farmer: Dunno, we haven't been able to catch one yet ...

author: rexxar
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 05:42:07 am
content: "No user serviceable parts inside"

author: Odysseus
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 05:45:50 am
content: Did you hear why six was scared of seven?Yes, because seven ate nine.Ah, but did you hear why fifteen was scared of sixteen?Nope.Because sixteen ate four too!

author: mtdoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 06:09:48 am
content: A man walks up to the Buddhist monk selling hot dogs and says "make me one with everything".......After getting his hot dog he hands the monk a $20 bill. The monk takes it and goes back to making hot dogs for other customers. The man then asks "were's my change?"To which the monk replies "my friend, change must come from within".......

author: vk6zgo
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 12:58:51 pm
content: This bloke is standing in the pub,with his dog at his feet.The Publican,noticing that he is "a few sheets to the wind",saunters over.The drunk looks up & says,"You know,mate,thish dog can talk""No dog can talk!"replies the Publican." I bet you ten bucks thish dog can talk."insists the drunk."Ten bucks is ten bucks!"thinks the Publican,& accepts the bet."OK,Fido,talk!""Arf! Arf!""Talk!"Bow! Wow!"The drunk walks out of the Pub & yells at the dog,"You mongrel,why didn't you talk!"The dog looks up at him & says,Don't be so bloody stupid!----We'll come back tomorrow,& take him for his Pub!"

author: amyk
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 01:07:07 pm
content: An infinite number of mathematicians, a polar bear, helium, and a neutrino walk into a bar (ouch). One of the mathematicians then says, "the bar is now empty" and they begin to play hide and seek. The neutrino is then stopped by a police officer. Officer Heisenberg says, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" The neutrino replies, "I'm positive and a pascal but I don't know where I am." The bar tender then says "You're all idiots, the cows are all black" and pours 10 (in base 2, i mean 10) drinks and there is an extra dollar. The polar bear then dissolves in water while the helium does not react.

author: BillyD
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 01:27:05 pm
content: Math and alcohol do not mix, so never drink and derive.In order to define recursion, you must first define recursion.

author: 8086
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 02:26:46 pm
content: Quote from: mtdoc on January 02, 2014, 06:09:48 am

author: nctnico
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 02, 2014, 10:05:03 pm
content: Quote from: amyk on January 02, 2014, 01:07:07 pmThis reminds me of those stupid programs you could talk (type) to. After a while it would come up with the same slightly hilareous gibberish.

author: hiddensoul
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 11:00:49 am
content: Quote from: nctnico on January 02, 2014, 10:05:03 pmIsn't that called Siri ?

author: KedasProbe
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 11:49:55 am
content: Q: How do you call a wife that does not tell you what to do?A: someone else's wifeedit: Sorry wrong thread, this isn't a joke.

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 01:36:14 pm
content: Got something you don't want anymore?Give it to an ex-wife, they take everything.

author: Unknown
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 03:44:29 pm
content: Quote from: lemmegraphdat on January 05, 2014, 01:36:14 pmI couldn't be arsed with all the hassle of getting married so I just found a woman I didn't like and gave her my house and a car.

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 04:01:09 pm
content: Quote from: Lurch on January 05, 2014, 03:44:29 pmSmart move, just think of the money you saved on solicitors

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 04:02:53 pm
content: They all laughed at me when I said I would become a comedian.Well, their not laughing now.

author: strangelovemd12
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 05, 2014, 04:18:42 pm
content: Quote from: lemmegraphdat on January 05, 2014, 04:02:53 pm-Bob Monkhouse (Credit where due)Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.-Bob MonkhouseQuoteAussies call them solicitors too? Good to know.And pertinent to the topic (in this, of all threads!):What's the difference between a goldfish and the Taj Mahal?37.Not funny? Well that's you're problem. It killed at the numerology conference.

author: Jon86
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 06, 2014, 08:44:53 pm
content: Quote from: GK on January 02, 2014, 02:48:00 pmI feel like I'm missing something...

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 07, 2014, 08:11:53 am
content: Equador?

author: con-f-use
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 07, 2014, 10:37:27 am
content: Quote from: Jon86 on January 06, 2014, 08:44:53 pmThe man is a lame joke?

author: Jon86
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 07, 2014, 10:17:43 pm
content: Quote from: con-f-use on January 07, 2014, 10:37:27 amIn what way exactly?

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 02:22:21 am
content: Quote from: Jon86 on January 07, 2014, 10:17:43 pmHe's a preening little shit on the lam.

author: wilheldp
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 02:44:17 am
content: A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?"

author: c4757p
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 03:31:39 am
content: I think it's time for bed. I read that as "a ferrite walks into a bar" and was looking for the EE twist.

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 03:49:50 am
content: Quote from: c4757p on January 08, 2014, 03:31:39 amGood thing that it didn't. You might choke with laughter.shoooot meeeee

author: echen1024
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 03:55:38 am
content: Quote from: mrflibble on January 08, 2014, 03:49:50 am. I think I will die of laughter now. Thank you guys for letting me know you.

author: vk6zgo
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 01:10:36 pm
content: What is Captain Jack Sparrow's fitness regime of choice?Pilates of the Caribbean!& the Grandaddy of them all:-A horse walks into a bar---The Bartender says:- Why the long face!

author: Jay_Diddy_B
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 01:13:20 pm
content: HiDid you know the dissident electron asked the Bus Driver to take him to Q\ (Q bar).Jay_Diddy_B

author: VintageTekFan
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 07:37:34 pm
content: What did the wind turbine say about renewable energy?............"I'm a huge fan!"

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 09:04:02 pm
content: Quote from: PA0PBZ on January 08, 2014, 08:09:20 pmPlus 1 for that!

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 09:32:34 pm
content: ThisEE themed jokeshould be right at home in this thread.

author: VintageTekFan
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 08, 2014, 09:37:23 pm
content: I ran into a buddy of mine the other day,I should send his family flowers...

author: deth502
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 12:41:55 am
content: Your mother is so fat, that the escape velocity at her surface exceeds 3*10^8 m/s

author: rsjsouza
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 03:33:58 am
content: How does a Hydrogen atom commit suicide? Jumps off the hydrogen bridge.Why did the electron leave the valence band and move to the conduction band? He had a fight with the vocalist of the valence band.Why does a cell go to the psychoanalyst? Because it has Golgi complex.

author: Falcon69
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 04:47:12 am
content: So, this blonde goes to the doctor because she feels ill every morning. The doctor runs some test, comes back into the room and tells the blonde that she is pregnant. She asks the doctor, 'Is it mine?'

author: bronson
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 05:57:34 am
content: Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the bartender gives it to her.(say the last few words sleeeazy)

author: Unknown
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 05:59:35 am
content: Quote from: bronson on January 09, 2014, 05:57:34 am*gives her one.

author: Rerouter
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 06:35:10 am
content: Quote from: mrflibble on January 08, 2014, 09:32:34 pmI'm not really following that? is it the 500pA leakage, the 3uS recovery time in a switching diode or the small form factor?

author: Kryoclasm
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 07:04:11 am
content: A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

author: Zbig
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 09, 2014, 05:24:35 pm
content: Quote from: Rerouter on January 09, 2014, 06:35:10 amOr maybe quite high Vf? Meeh

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 10, 2014, 07:39:53 pm
content: Another one for you as well, fresh from Twitter.....http://t.co/mHZxWkjRKXNot a Rick roll.

author: bronson
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 10, 2014, 08:16:00 pm
content: Quote from: Lurch on January 09, 2014, 05:59:35 amBoth work. As does "slips it to her", "delivers her one", etc etc. Kinda makes you wonder about humans and language.

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 10, 2014, 08:39:30 pm
content: Language was developed as an alternative to the club. That way you could ask before instead of just hoping there was not another with a bigger club looking out.

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 10, 2014, 08:57:35 pm
content: Quote from: bronson on January 10, 2014, 08:16:00 pmGives heroneworks better together with thedouble entendreresulting in a doubleplusplus entendre.And language seems to be a collection of arbitrary suggestions (wouldn't go so far as to call them rules) along the lines of "oh well, whatever works to get the point across".

author: strangelovemd12
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 11, 2014, 01:27:21 am
content: Quote from: SeanB on January 10, 2014, 08:39:30 pm"It's easier to seek forgiveness than permission" doesn't apply to sex. Found that one out the hard way. Still not allowed in Utah.

author: han
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 11, 2014, 01:45:57 am
content: bad signal.. what have you done...you have cross the lineYou Are Grounded

author: rolandpenplotter
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 11, 2014, 02:02:16 am
content: ~ I said to my mate "Don't EVER mention deodorant again" - he said "Sure. Mum's the word"~ A doctor asks his pregnant patient "So, are you experiencing unusual cravings? Please be frank - some mothers do have 'em."

author: IO390
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 15, 2014, 10:12:59 am
content: Quote from: free_electron on January 01, 2014, 08:31:09 amThis is an extraordinarily late reply, but you are wrong.

author: hiddensoul
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 15, 2014, 12:58:18 pm
content: Quote from: IO390 on January 15, 2014, 10:12:59 amThat is just an artists rendition of what an elephant with a bowler hat would look like, he had to draw it because we all know that elephants in bowler hats are invisible !

author: rolandpenplotter
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 15, 2014, 06:30:02 pm
content: I said to my mate "Don't EVER mention deodorant again" - "Sure. Mum's the word", he replied.

author: IO390
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 15, 2014, 07:44:06 pm
content: Justin Beiber reportedly caused $20,000 in damage to his neighbor's home by egging it. It's being called the most pointless use fo an egg since the fertilization of Justin Beiber.

author: ptodorov
author_rank: Contributor
timestamp: January 15, 2014, 08:42:20 pm
content: A wire is just some inductance, capacitance, and resistance floating in a loose formation.Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do withthe old one for the next 10,000 years.

author: kfitch42
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 16, 2014, 03:28:24 pm
content: Quote from: peter.mitchell on January 01, 2014, 08:05:08 amIf you, me, and dead people can read hex, how many people can read hex?Deaf people.

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 17, 2014, 04:29:14 am
content: Quote from: kfitch42 on January 16, 2014, 03:28:24 pmMeh. Time for 12648430.

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 17, 2014, 04:38:04 am
content: Quote from: mrflibble on January 17, 2014, 04:29:14 amIs it 912559?

author: Falcon69
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 17, 2014, 04:48:44 am
content: Quote from: mrflibble on January 17, 2014, 04:29:14 amis that beer #12648430?

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 17, 2014, 04:54:37 am
content: Quote from: AlfBaz on January 17, 2014, 04:38:04 amHell 0.

author: Skimask
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 18, 2014, 08:38:27 am
content: Quote from: smashedProton on January 01, 2014, 06:43:33 pmWhat do you call a cow with no legs?Ground beefWhat do you call a cow with 3 legs?SkipWhat do you call a cow with 2 legs?Lean beefWhat do you call a bull cow out in the field masterbating?Beef stroganoffYou're driving down the road and hit a cow. Now what?Steak on the grille.Where do cows go on the weekends?To the moooo-vies.And I'm out....

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 18, 2014, 11:23:29 pm
content: ... carrying on with that themeWhat do you call a deer with no eyes?No ideaWhat do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?Still no ideaWhat do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?Still no f**king idea

author: free_electron
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 18, 2014, 11:31:16 pm
content: my neighbur adopted a leggles dog.I asked him what's the dogs name ?My heighbour said he hasn't got a name.Why ?If i call him he doesn't come anyway

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 19, 2014, 11:31:24 am
content: I went to college to become a brain surgeon. After graduation I became a stand up comic, sort of as a joke on my parents.

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 19, 2014, 11:44:21 am
content: Guy calls out a plumber one night. Plumber comes at 9, diagnoses the problem and fixes it in 15 minutes, and gives a bill for $300 including parts. Guy says " Wow, I make less than that as a brain surgeon per hour" . Plumber replies " That is why I stopped being a surgeon and became a plumber".

author: Jon86
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 07:32:03 pm
content: Quote from: ptodorov on January 15, 2014, 08:42:20 pmI don't get it...

author: c4757p
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 07:35:52 pm
content: Quote from: Jon86 on January 22, 2014, 07:32:03 pmIt doesn't seem so much a "joke" as the truth, to me.

author: SeanB
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 07:41:24 pm
content: If you get it cold enough then the R turns to fairy dust, but the L and C keep going for forever.

author: dfmischler
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:04:24 pm
content: Dad and Mom took little Billy on a nature hike. After they had been walking through the woods for a while they came into a clearing and Billy caught a butterfly. He said, "Watch this, Mom!" and squashed the butterfly.Mom said, "That was not funny Billy. You killed that poor creature for no reason. You will not get any butter for the next year."They continued and found a hollow log with a bees nest in it. Billy began to poke the nest with a stick and killed as many bees as he could, and somehow managed not to get stung.Mom said, "For killing those bees, you will not get any honey for a year."Billy behaved pretty well until it was time to go home.On the way home, a cat darted out in front of the car, and was run over.Billy said, "Dad ran over and killed that poor pussy cat. Do you want to tell him his punishment, Mom, or should I?"

author: GreyWoolfe
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:07:14 pm
content: The burning question is: is it really a joke if it requires an explanation? The venerable king of one liners, Henny Youngman, I believe once said that he was doing a show and told a joke that didn't go over well. After the show a gentleman approached him on it and said, "Sir there is nothing like a good joke and that was nothing like a good joke." Kind of like this thread, but that is the point of it isn't it. Keep the lame jokes coming.Quote from: c4757p on January 22, 2014, 07:35:52 pm

author: BillyD
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:19:25 pm
content: - "What do we want?"- "Hearing aids!"- "When do we want them?"- "Hearing aids!"

author: rolandpenplotter
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:20:54 pm
content: Quote from: BillyD on January 22, 2014, 09:19:25 pmSo, deaf people heard the first question but not the second? There's a gaping logic hole here...

author: Zbig
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:27:54 pm
content: Quote from: rolandpenplotter on January 22, 2014, 09:20:54 pmWhich part of "lame" exactly don't you understand?Have a nice evening...

author: rolandpenplotter
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:31:40 pm
content: Quote from: Zbig on January 22, 2014, 09:27:54 pmI don't see quite why you needed to be condescending; that's not kind. Yes, I know what "lame" means, but even a lame joke is supposed to be a BIT funny...

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 09:32:37 pm
content: Quote from: rolandpenplotter on January 22, 2014, 09:20:54 pmWhat?

author: con-f-use
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 10:35:53 pm
content: What's long, white and lies in the desert? A peace of white twine.What's long, red and lies in the desert? A peace of white twine with a sunburn.What's long, black and lies in the desert? The shadow of a peace of white twine.How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open door, put elephant in, close door.How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open door, take elephant out, but giraffe in, close door.It's the conference of animals, but the way there is blocked by a river full of alligators. How do you get there? Why would you go there, your're a human.You are an animal now, how do you get to the conference? Just swim, the alligators are all at the conference.At the conference, which animal is missing? The giraffe, it's in the fridge.

author: c4757p
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 10:42:28 pm
content: Quote from: rolandpenplotter on January 22, 2014, 09:20:54 pmTotally deaf people don't use hearing aids,almost-deaf people do.

author: GeoffS
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 10:44:03 pm
content: Quote from: Zbig on January 22, 2014, 09:27:54 pmIf we start to get decent jokes in this thread, I'm locking it!

author: BillyD
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 11:24:19 pm
content: We are pleased to report that the man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.----------------------Why should you never stand behind the devil in a post office queue?Because he takes many forms.

author: grumpydoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 11:47:36 pm
content: How do you know there's an elephant in the fridge?Footprints in the butter.

author: GeoffS
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 22, 2014, 11:50:25 pm
content: Quote from: grumpydoc on January 22, 2014, 11:47:36 pmHang on, I thought the giraffe was now in the fridge?

author: mtdoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 12:31:09 am
content: Quote from: c4757p on January 22, 2014, 10:42:28 pmOK - reminds me of a medical joke:The doctor is looking in an elderly man's ear and surprisingly finds a rectal suppository in there. He pulls it out and shows the patient who says "Well, I guess that explains where my hearing aid went.."

author: Phaedrus
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 12:39:35 am
content: Quote from: mtdoc on January 23, 2014, 12:31:09 amI was going to make a gay joke, butt fuck it.

author: lemmegraphdat
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 01:33:11 am
content: How do you fix a broken pumpkin?

author: strangelovemd12
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 03:11:57 am
content: What has more locks than the Panama Canal?EEVblog's "Recent Topics" page.Edit:Also, not sure where to post this but there is a German mechanical/EE company (name escapes me) that has a Mechanical Design Efficiency Coordinator position open. Modern Germany being the cool place it is, they've set up a site with contest parameters (anyone remember the link?), with the winner getting the position (6mo contract option) and about 20k Euro moving expenses for foreigners, less for Germans. Contest is outlining a manufacturing process to turn 30g of wood pulp (provided) into the largest sheet of paper you can. Largest surface area wins, holes over .05mm disqualify you. Last year a Hungarian won by a wide margin.

author: grumpydoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 08:16:54 am
content: Quote from: GeoffSThey got bored and went to the animal's meeting.How do you get 4 elephants in a mini?Two in the front and two in the back.(hint, highlight the text above to reveal)

author: grumpydoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 08:19:57 am
content: Why did the elephant paint his balls red?So he could hide in the cherry tree.Which animal makes the loudest sound?Birds pecking at cherries.

author: notsob
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 08:29:38 am
content: What's the longest word in the english language----> smiles <-----

author: grumpydoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 02:28:46 pm
content: How do you get 4 giraffes in a mini? (now that they're back from the animal's meeting)You can't - it's full of elephants.

author: con-f-use
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 03:34:46 pm
content: Quote from: GeoffS on January 22, 2014, 11:50:25 pmBut nobody ate the butter since the elephant left!

author: GreyWoolfe
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 09:33:18 pm
content: Speaking of elephants, what do elephants use as tampons? Sheep.

author: grumpydoc
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 10:44:49 pm
content: How do you know if there's 4 elephants in the fridge?Their mini's parked outside.

author: cybermaus
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: January 23, 2014, 11:25:23 pm
content: Don't you have to lead up to that one with a mini-cooper and a giraffe?

author: AlfBaz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: January 24, 2014, 12:55:21 am
content: How do you fit 100 people in a mini?Maxwell Smart and 99

author: GreyWoolfe
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: January 24, 2014, 05:52:58 pm
content: Use a food processor.

author: t0m
author_rank: Regular Contributor
timestamp: February 02, 2014, 07:02:21 am
content: What's orange and treacherous?Judas Isacarrot.

author: hamster_nz
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: February 02, 2014, 09:40:07 am
content: Knock knock.Who's there?[long pause]Java.

author: deth502
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: February 02, 2014, 12:44:14 pm
content: guy and a giraffe walk into a bar.the giraffe lays down and goes to sleep.bartender comes over and asks the guy, "whats that lyin' on the floor there?"guy says "thats not a lion, its a giraffe"

author: han
author_rank: Frequent Contributor
timestamp: February 08, 2014, 12:45:57 am
content: Q: where do you buy broadband THz to PHz signal generator..A: Lamp store

author: june
author_rank: Newbie
timestamp: February 08, 2014, 08:07:52 am
content: I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

author: mrflibble
author_rank: Super Contributor
timestamp: February 08, 2014, 08:21:34 am
content: Quote from: deth502 on February 02, 2014, 12:44:14 pmAnd then the bartender says " Hey waitaminute, that's the giraffe that stole my mini!"

author: warp_foo
author_rank: Unknown
timestamp: February 11, 2014, 11:23:44 pm
content: A Surgeon, Lawyer, Cardinal, and an Engineer met at their usual time at Bushwood Country Club for their usual Thursday afternoon round of Golf. The round started well, but by the the fourth hole, the foursome was getting considerably held up.At the fifth hole, the Lawyer caught the Club pro golfer's attention, hailed him over, and when the pro reached the four, complained."We've been coming here for years and never had such a poor outing. What is going on with the foursome ahead of us? Can't you tell them to get a move on?"The golf pro said, "That's a charity group of blind veterans. Once a year we get them out on the links and let them have an afternoon in the sun to enjoy a nice game."The Cardinal, with a tear in his eye said, "That's a lovely thing to do. I'll pray for them tonight."The Lawyer then offered, "Here is my card. If they ever need assistance, have them call me."The Doctor, not to be outdone also offered his card and said, "If they ever need anything, have them stop by my hospital, and I'll make sure they are well cared for."The Engineer paused, then said,"Why don't they golf at night?"