text: EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!
  LAO TZU, SUN TZU, AND CONFUCIUS!
  VERSUS!
  NIETZSCHE, SOCRATES, AND VOLTAIRE!
  BEGIN!
  Im coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium
  Dont bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium
  The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention
  Rolling with the flyest nihilist
  And me, their French henchman
  We got the wisdom
  And the wit
  That even I couldnt question
  Dropping Western medicine
  On these East infections
  Its evident
  Youve never been
  Our type of mental brethren
  Were better
  Thinkers
  Better speakers
  Better lovers
  Better men
  This type of arrogance is sure to be expected
  From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is
  You westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life
  You lack control of yourselves, and of the mic
  While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration
  Hand you an ass-whipping our descendants will honor for generations
  We filled a nation
  With patience
  And the presence
  For living
  And you’ll never hold a candle to the wisdom weve written
  Oh, I’ll give you something you can bow and kowtow to
  When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu
  You need to take control of the life you’re given
  They call me Übermensch, cause I’m so driven
  And I’m a freethinker
  So confronting conformists like you? It’s my job
  Got a sharp wit, like a spit that’ll skewer you like a Confu-shish-kebab 
  You flubbed the mission, Im beating your submissive ass into submission
  Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays Ive been publishing
  Now that we’ve covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move onto Jackie Chan
  Sun Tzu, I’ll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man
  This seminal general isn’t so tough on the mic
  All your men must be like, yo, what happened?
  You’re pitiful lyrically
  Lucky for history, you didn’t author the Art of Rapping
  Bitch, I wrote the Art of War so you better get your guns out
  These white boys getting burned ‘cause guess what?
  Now the Sun’s out
  Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn’t SARS
  Laozi, kick the beat, now Confucius, drop some bars
  Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire
  French drip with the egg noodle hair
  Your ego’s just so distracting
  Free speech doesn’t mean just keep yapping
  And you killed God, so I gotta ask:
  Did he die of shame when he made your moustache?
  You try to plan a new German psyche
  But you just grew hate, me no Third Reichy
  And it all starts with you, you’re the father, Socrates
  Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology
  I wouldn’t exactly call myself a student of this plebe
  Don’t make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi
  Cause I’m N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E
  And I’ll end any motherfucker like my name in a spelling bee
  Plebe, bitch? I’m toxic like a hemlock sip
  Hang a sandal on the door cause you can suck Soc’s dick
  Sacrebleu, Socrates! You’re making things a little tense
  Come, let’s blind these Chinese hinies with some shiny bright enlightenment
  Ill not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery
  You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee
  Let me be frank, don’t start beef with The Frank
  Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks
  I have turned them on themselves, their chaos is our opportunity
  You must remember, a bowl is most useful when it is empty
  Ugh, Laozi, I don’t mean no disrespect
  But you need to fill your bowl with some shit that makes some sense
  Oh, you don’t want to stand in the path of Lao Tzu today
  I’ll make you move, bitch, get out the way
  Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written
  That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens?
  Man, Confucius, you always trying to put something in its place
  Why don’t you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face?
  Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that?
  I’ll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat
  So here’s the real golden rule, I’m way above you weak rookies
  Confucius say you can all hold these fortune cookies
  WHAT IS WINNING?
  WHO IS NEXT?
  YOU DECIDE!
  EPIC!
  QUIET!!!
  RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!