text: EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY
  GEORGE R.R. MARTIN!
  VERSUS!
  J.R.R. TOLKIEN!
  BEGIN!
  Brace yourself!
  Gather up your trolls and your soldier Elves!
  And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings
  Your Dwarves and Glamdrings
  Cause theres a new literary Lord in the Ring!
  My readers fall in love with every character Ive written
  Then I kill em Theyre like No! He didnt!
  All your bad guys die, and your good guys survive!
  We can tell whats gonna happen by page and age five!
  Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies 
  Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!
  There’s edgier plots in that David the Gnome
  Your Hobbit-hole heroes can’t handle my throne
  Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves
  Horses, fortresses, magic and swords
  You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack
  You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!
  In book sales you’ve got nothing to say
  I’m number one and two, you’re under Fifty Shades of Grey
  I’ve got the prose of a pro, your shit’s subpar
  You’re a pirate, you even stole my R.R.
  Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy
  So yes, it’s true-to-life for characters to die randomly
  But news flash, the genre’s called fantasy
  It’s meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee
  I conscientiously object to what you’re doing on these beats
  I’ll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast
  You went too deep, Professor Tweed Pants
  We don’t need the backstory on every fucking tree branch
  I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme
  You LARPed your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam
  And it’s hard for me to take criticism on clothes
  From a dude who sends a raven to say Hi to his toes
  Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke
  My show’s the hottest thing on H-B-O!
  I’m rock and roll, you’re a nerdy little nebbish
  And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg
  Even the names of your characters suck
  You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks
  I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks
  Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts
  C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing
  How you and Jon Snow... both know nothing!
  Because the backstory of my box office is billions
  Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions
  And I’m more rock and roll than you’ve ever been
  Don’t believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin
  You can’t reach this Fellow, shit, I’m Two Towering
   Every time I battle, it’s Return of the King
  WHO WON?
  WHO’S NEXT?
  YOU DECIDE!
  EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!