Ever since the baby who &hearts;s al-Qaida, I have been trying to figure out a workable formula for what kind of person attends what kind of protest march. If you were to come down from space, I mean, and read the papers. Not if you were actually on a protest march.All regular marches against all regular evils are populated by extremely pretty 18-year-old women. The template for this was the Paris student riots of 1968. "Never mind the issues," said we English. "Why can't we have one of those very attractive blond ladies, waving flags? Why do we always have to have beardy trade unionists?" However, innovators pointed out that we, too, could have young women at demonstrations - all we needed to do was concentrate, like we do when the A-level results come out. See that group of young men, with spots, punching the air, making you feel ashamed for your nation, nay, species? Ignore them. Ignore the fat ones, who are crying. Happy... young... yes, you're almost there... female. Bingo. If you were to come down from space, you could be forgiven for thinking that men weren't allowed to take A-levels at all; they took some kind of BTEC, the results of which came out on Christmas Day and sadly couldn't be published.Anyway, there are, of course, some exceptions to the Pretty Protester rule. Protesters against war, environmental issues, poll tax, these will all be pretty - even publications that are fervently in favour of poll tax will concede there are some very pretty women around and it would be a shame not to take pictures of them. Countryside Alliance marches, as represented in the leftwing press, will, again, involve some very pretty people. In the rightwing press, however, they will mainly be populated by families. These are proper people, with proper sperm, put to proper use. Anarchist protesters, however, are not ladies. They are aggressive young men. Rationale: these marches were not cleared with the police; attractive people do not break the law; ergo, there were no attractive people at this protest. Either that, or the coloured mohican hairstyles were so special it seemed a shame to overshadow them with blondness.Likewise, on a march where the majority are Muslims, there won't be any pretty ones. If there are pretty ones, they will have snuck in, under an umbrella of shouting people. And really, I can't make up my mind which is less respectful - the pretty approach, which is really a means of saying, "We don't need to worry about these people, they are just young, with high spirits," or the non-pretty approach, which is a way of saying, "Do worry about these people; they may also be young, but they mean you no good."Ideally, of course, the pictures chosen to represent a march should be of a sensible, not particularly attractive person, of a sensible, not particularly young age, chanting a sensible chant, not disfigured by hate and rage. Someone like me. Only take pictures of me. I'm always there. I'll be near the back.