In its latest bulletin from the frontiers of mental health research, the Daily Mail reports that Prince Charles seems to be, tragically, losing his tenuous hold on sanity, smashing china and losing his temper. "So just what is wrong with the Prince of Wales," probed Richard Kay. Well, it's pretty obvious isn't it? He's gone mad. Or worse. "Friends ... are increasingly concerned about his wellbeing." Which sounds as if the prince has joined Les Dennis, Winona Ryder, Michael Barrymore and Jeffrey Archer, all of whom have been reported, at various times, to be on "suicide watch". If only it were so easy! In jail, where the term originated, suicidal inmates can be checked every hour or more, through a handy peephole. But distressed celebrities are scattered all over the place, often behind closed doors, and quite impossible for their carers in the press to keep tabs on. The safest solution, surely, would be for Lord Rothermere or one of his competitors to establish a sort of celebrity Bedlam adjacent to their newsrooms into which these tragic individuals could be committed for their own good. With the stars monitored 24 hours a day by staff reporters and media mental health experts such as Raj Persaud, we could rest assured that everything was being done to stand between our favourite celebrities and their besetting problems with depression and alcoholism, shop-lifting and overweight and - perhaps saddest of all - crockery.