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+Produced by An Anonymous Volunteer
+
+
+
+
+
+THE STORY OF THE GADSBY
+
+By Rudyard Kipling
+
+
+
+
+     Preface
+
+     Poor Dear Mamma
+     The World Without
+     The Tents of Kedar
+     With Any Amazement
+     The Garden of Eden
+     Fatima
+     The Valley of the Shadow
+     The Swelling of Jordan
+
+
+
+
+Preface
+
+To THE ADDRESS OF
+
+CAPTAIN J. MAFFLIN,
+
+Duke of Derry's (Pink) Hussars.
+
+DEAR MAFFLIN,--You will remember that I wrote this story as an Awful
+Warning. None the less you have seen fit to disregard it and have
+followed Gadsby's example--as I betted you would. I acknowledge that you
+paid the money at once, but you have prejudiced the mind of Mrs. Mafflin
+against myself, for though I am almost the only respectable friend
+of your bachelor days, she has been darwaza band to me throughout the
+season. Further, she caused you to invite me to dinner at the Club,
+where you called me "a wild ass of the desert," and went home
+at half-past ten, after discoursing for twenty minutes on the
+responsibilities of housekeeping. You now drive a mail-phaeton and sit
+under a Church of England clergyman. I am not angry, Jack. It is your
+kismet, as it was Gaddy's, and his kismet who can avoid? Do not think
+that I am moved by a spirit of revenge as I write, thus publicly, that
+you and you alone are responsible for this book. In other and more
+expansive days, when you could look at a magnum without flushing and
+at a cheroot without turning white, you supplied me with most of the
+material. Take it back again--would that I could have preserved your
+fatherless speech in the telling--take it back, and by your slippered
+hearth read it to the late Miss Deercourt. She will not be any the more
+willing to receive my cards, but she will admire you immensely, and you,
+I feel sure, will love me. You may even invite me to another very bad
+dinner--at the Club, which, as you and your wife know, is a safe
+neutral ground for the entertainment of wild asses. Then, my very dear
+hypocrite, we shall be quits.
+
+Yours always,
+
+RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+P. S.--On second thoughts I should recommend you to keep the book away
+from Mrs. Mafflin.
+
+
+
+
+POOR DEAR MAMMA
+
+The wild hawk to the wind-swept sky, The deer to the wholesome wold, And
+the heart of a man to the heart of a maid, As it was in the days of old.
+Gypsy Song.
+
+SCENE.--Interior of Miss MINNIE THREEGAN'S Bedroom at Simla. Miss
+THREEGAN, in window-seat, turning over a drawerful of things. Miss EMMA
+DEERCOURT, bosom--friend, who has come to spend the day, sitting on
+the bed, manipulating the bodice of a ballroom frock, and a bunch
+of artificial lilies of the valley. Time, 5:30 P. M. on a hot May
+afternoon.
+
+Miss DEERCOURT. And he said: "I shall never forget this dance," and,
+of course, I said: "Oh, how can you be so silly!" Do you think he meant
+anything, dear?
+
+Miss THREEGAN. (Extracting long lavender silk stocking from the
+rubbish.) You know him better than I do.
+
+Miss D. Oh, do be sympathetic, Minnie! I'm sure he does. At least I
+would be sure if he wasn't always riding with that odious Mrs. Hagan.
+
+Miss T. I suppose so. How does one manage to dance through one's heels
+first? Look at this--isn't it shameful? (Spreads stocking--heel on open
+hand for inspection.)
+
+Miss D. Never mind that! You can't mend it. Help me with this hateful
+bodice. I've run the string so, and I've run the string so, and I can't
+make the fulness come right. Where would you put this? (Waves lilies of
+the valley.)
+
+Miss T. As high up on the shoulder as possible.
+
+Miss D. Am I quite tall enough? I know it makes May Older look lopsided.
+
+Miss T. Yes, but May hasn't your shoulders. Hers are like a hock-bottle.
+
+BEARER. (Rapping at door.) Captain Sahib aya.
+
+Miss D. (Jumping up wildly, and hunting for bodice, which she has
+discarded owing to the heat of the day.) Captain Sahib! What Captain
+Sahib? Oh, good gracious, and I'm only half dressed! Well, I sha'n't
+bother.
+
+Miss T. (Calmly.) You needn't. It isn't for us. That's Captain Gadsby.
+He is going for a ride with Mamma. He generally comes five days out of
+the seven.
+
+AGONIZED VOICE. (Prom an inner apartment.) Minnie, run out and give
+Captain Gadsby some tea, and tell him I shall be ready in ten minutes;
+and, O Minnie, come to me an instant, there's a dear girl!
+
+Miss T. Oh, bother! (Aloud.) Very well, Mamma.
+
+Exit, and reappears, after five minutes, flushed, and rubbing her
+fingers.
+
+Miss D. You look pink. What has happened?
+
+Miss T. (In a stage whisper.) A twenty-four-inch waist, and she won't
+let it out. Where are my bangles? (Rummager on the toilet-table, and
+dabs at her hair with a brush in the interval.)
+
+Miss D. Who is this Captain Gadsby? I don't think I've met him.
+
+Miss T. You must have. He belongs to the Harrar set. I've danced with
+him, but I've never talked to him. He's a big yellow man, just like a
+newly-hatched chicken, with an enormous moustache. He walks like this
+(imitates Cavalry swagger), and he goes "Ha--Hmmm!" deep down in his
+throat when he can't think of anything to say. Mamma likes him. I don't.
+
+Miss D. (Abstractedly.) Does he wax that moustache?
+
+Miss T. (Busy with Powder-puff.) Yes, I think so. Why?
+
+Miss D. (Bending over the bodice and sewing furiously.) Oh,
+nothing--only--Miss T. (Sternly.) Only what? Out with it, Emma.
+
+Miss D. Well, May Olger--she's engaged to Mr. Charteris, you
+know--said--Promise you won't repeat this?
+
+Miss T. Yes, I promise. What did she say?
+
+Miss D. That--that being kissed (with a rush) with a man who didn't wax
+his moustache was--like eating an egg without salt.
+
+Miss T. (At her full height, with crushing scorn.) May Olger is a
+horrid, nasty Thing, and you can tell her I said so. I'm glad she
+doesn't belong to my set--I must go and feed this man! Do I look
+presentable?
+
+Miss D. Yes, perfectly. Be quick and hand him over to your Mother, and
+then we can talk. I shall listen at the door to hear what you say to
+him.
+
+Miss T. 'Sure I don't care. I'm not afraid of Captain Gadsby.
+
+In proof of this swings into the drawing-room with a mannish stride
+followed by two short steps, which Produces the effect of a restive
+horse entering. Misses CAPTAIN GADSBY, who is sitting in the shadow of
+the window-curtain, and gazes round helplessly.
+
+CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Aside.) The filly, by Jove! 'Must ha' picked up that
+action from the sire. (Aloud, rising.) Good evening, Miss Threegan.
+
+Miss T. (Conscious that she is flushing.) Good evening, Captain Gadsby.
+Mamma told me to say that she will be ready in a few minutes. Won't you
+have some tea? (Aside.) I hope Mamma will be quick. What am I to say to
+the creature? (Aloud and abruptly.) Milk and sugar?
+
+CAPT. G. No sugar, tha-anks, and very little milk. Ha--Hmmm.
+
+Miss T. (Aside.) If he's going to do that, I'm lost. I shall laugh. I
+know I shall!
+
+CAPT. G. (Pulling at his moustache and watching it sideways down his
+nose.) Ha--Hamm. (Aside.) 'Wonder what the little beast can talk about.
+'Must make a shot at it.
+
+Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, this is agonizing. I must say something.
+
+Both Together. Have you Been--CAPT. G. I beg your pardon. You were
+going to say--Miss T. (Who has been watching the moustache with awed
+fascination.) Won't you have some eggs?
+
+CAPT. G. (Looking bewilderedly at the tea-table.) Eggs! (Aside.) O
+Hades! She must have a nursery-tea at this hour. S'pose they've wiped
+her mouth and sent her to me while the Mother is getting on her duds.
+(Aloud.) No, thanks.
+
+Miss T. (Crimson with confusion.) Oh! I didn't mean that. I wasn't
+thinking of mou--eggs for an instant. I mean salt. Won't you have some
+sa--sweets? (Aside.) He'll think me a raving lunatic. I wish Mamma would
+come.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) It was a nursery-tea and she's ashamed of it. By Jove!
+She doesn't look half bad when she colors up like that. (Aloud, helping
+himself from the dish.) Have you seen those new chocolates at Peliti's?
+
+Miss T. No, I made these myself. What are they like?
+
+CAPT. G. These! De-licious. (Aside.) And that's a fact.
+
+Miss T. (Aside.) Oh, bother! he'll think I'm fishing for compliments.
+(Aloud.) No, Peliti's of course.
+
+CAPT. G. (Enthusiastically.) Not to compare with these. How d'you make
+them? I can't get my khansamah to understand the simplest thing beyond
+mutton and fowl.
+
+Miss T. Yes? I'm not a khansamah, you know. Perhaps you frighten him.
+You should never frighten a servant. He loses his head. It's very bad
+policy.
+
+CAPT. G. He's so awf'ly stupid.
+
+Miss T. (Folding her hands in her Zap.) You should call him quietly and
+say: "O khansamah jee!"
+
+CAPT. G. (Getting interested.) Yes? (Aside.) Fancy that little
+featherweight saying, "O khansamah jee" to my bloodthirsty Mir Khan!
+
+Miss T Then you should explain the dinner, dish by dish.
+
+CAPT. G. But I can't speak the vernacular.
+
+Miss T. (Patronizingly.) You should pass the Higher Standard and try.
+
+CAPT. G. I have, but I don't seem to be any the wiser. Are you?
+
+Miss T. I never passed the Higher Standard. But the khansamah is very
+patient with me. He doesn't get angry when I talk about sheep's topees,
+or order maunds of grain when I mean seers.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside with intense indignation.) I'd like to see Mir Khan
+being rude to that girl! Hullo! Steady the Buffs! (Aloud.) And do you
+understand about horses, too?
+
+Miss T. A little--not very much. I can't doctor them, but I know what
+they ought to eat, and I am in charge of our stable.
+
+CAPT. G. Indeed! You might help me then. What ought a man to give his
+sais in the Hills? My ruffian says eight rupees, because everything is
+so dear.
+
+Miss T. Six rupees a month, and one rupee Simla allowance--neither more
+nor less. And a grass-cut gets six rupees. That's better than buying
+grass in the bazar.
+
+CAPT. G. (Admiringly.) How do you know?
+
+Miss T. I have tried both ways.
+
+CAPT. G. Do you ride much, then? I've never seen you on the Mall.
+
+Miss T. (Aside.) I haven't passed him more than fifty times. (Aloud.)
+Nearly every day.
+
+CAPT. G. By Jove! I didn't know that. Ha--Hamm (Pulls at his moustache
+and is silent for forty seconds.) Miss T. (Desperately, and wondering
+what will happen next.) It looks beautiful. I shouldn't touch it if I
+were you. (Aside.) It's all Mamma's fault for not coming before. I will
+be rude!
+
+CAPT. G. (Bronzing under the tan and bringing down his hand very
+quickly.) Eh! What-at! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! (Laughs uneasily.) (Aside.)
+Well, of all the dashed cheek! I never had a woman say that to me yet.
+She must be a cool hand or else--Ah! that nursery-tea!
+
+VOICE PROM THE UNKNOWN. Tchk! Tchk! Tchk!
+
+CAPT. G. Good gracious! What's that?
+
+Miss T. The dog, I think. (Aside.) Emma has been listening, and I'll
+never forgive her!
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) They don't keep dogs here. (Aloud.) 'Didn't sound like
+a dog, did it?
+
+Miss T. Then it must have been the cat. Let's go into the veranda. What
+a lovely evening it is!
+
+Steps into veranda and looks out across the hills into sunset. The
+CAPTAIN follows.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Superb eyes! I wonder that I never noticed them
+before! (Aloud.) There's going to be a dance at Viceregal Lodge on
+Wednesday. Can you spare me one?
+
+Miss T. (Shortly.) No! I don't want any of your charity-dances. You only
+ask me because Mamma told you to. I hop and I bump. You know I do!
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) That's true, but little girls shouldn't understand
+these things. (Aloud.) No, on my word, I don't. You dance beautifully.
+
+Miss T. Then why do you always stand out after half a dozen turns? I
+thought officers in the Army didn't tell fibs.
+
+CAPT. G. It wasn't a fib, believe me. I really do want the pleasure of a
+dance with you.
+
+Miss T. (Wickedly.) Why? Won't Mamma dance with you any more?
+
+CAPT. G. (More earnestly than the necessity demands.) I wasn't thinking
+of your Mother. (Aside.) You little vixen!
+
+Miss T. (Still looking out of the window.) Eh? Oh, I beg your par don. I
+was thinking of something else.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Well! I wonder what she'll say next. I've never known
+a woman treat me like this before. I might be--Dash it, I might be an
+Infantry subaltern! (Aloud.) Oh, please don't trouble. I'm not worth
+thinking about. Isn't your Mother ready yet?
+
+Miss T. I should think so; but promise me, Captain Gadsby, you won't
+take poor dear Mamma twice round Jakko any more. It tires her so.
+
+CAPT. G. She says that no exercise tires her.
+
+Miss T. Yes, but she suffers afterward. You don't know what rheumatism
+is, and you oughtn't to keep her out so late, when it gets chill in the
+evenings.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Rheumatism. I thought she came off her horse rather
+in a bunch. Whew! One lives and learns. (Aloud.) I'm sorry to hear that.
+She hasn't mentioned it to me.
+
+Miss T. (Flurried.) Of course not! Poor dear Mamma never would. And
+you mustn't say that I told you either. Promise me that you won't. Oh,
+CAPTAIN Gadsby, promise me you won't!
+
+CAPT. G. I am dumb, or--I shall be as soon as you've given me that
+dance, and another--if you can trouble yourself to think about me for a
+minute.
+
+Miss T. But you won't like it one little bit. You'll be awfully sorry
+afterward.
+
+CAPT. G. I shall like it above all things, and I shall only be sorry
+that I didn't get more. (Aside.) Now what in the world am I saying?
+
+Miss T. Very well. You will have only yourself to thank if your toes are
+trodden on. Shall we say Seven?
+
+CAPT. G. And Eleven. (Aside.) She can't be more than eight stone, but,
+even then, it's an absurdly small foot. (Looks at his own riding boots.)
+
+Miss T. They're beautifully shiny. I can almost see my face in them.
+
+CAPT. G. I was thinking whether I should have to go on crutches for the
+rest of my life if you trod on my toes.
+
+Miss T. Very likely. Why not change Eleven for a square?
+
+CAPT. G. No, please! I want them both waltzes. Won't you write them
+down?
+
+Miss T. J don't get so many dances that I shall confuse them. You will
+be the offender.
+
+CAPT. G. Wait and see! (Aside.) She doesn't dance perfectly, perhaps,
+but--
+
+Miss T. Your tea must have got cold by this time. Won't you have another
+cup?
+
+CAPT. G. No, thanks. Don't you think it's pleasanter out in the veranda?
+(Aside.) I never saw hair take that color in the sunshine before.
+(Aloud.) It's like one of Dicksee's pictures.
+
+Miss T. Yes I It's a wonderful sunset, isn't it? (Bluntly.) But what do
+you know about Dicksee's pictures?
+
+CAPT. G. I go Home occasionally. And I used to know the Galleries.
+(Nervously.) You mustn't think me only a Philistine with--a moustache.
+
+Miss T. Don't! Please don't. I'm so sorry for what I said then. I was
+horribly rude. It slipped out before I thought. Don't you know the
+temptation to say frightful and shocking things just for the mere sake
+of saying them? I'm afraid I gave way to it.
+
+CAPT. G. (Watching the girl as she flushes.) I think I know the feeling.
+It would be terrible if we all yielded to it, wouldn't it? For instance,
+I might say--POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Entering, habited, hatted, and booted.)
+Ah, Captain Gadsby? 'Sorry to keep you waiting. 'Hope you haven't been
+bored. 'My little girl been talking to you?
+
+Miss T. (Aside.) I'm not sorry I spoke about the rheumatism. I'm not!
+I'm NOT! I only wished I'd mentioned the corns too.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a shame! I wonder how old she is. It never
+occurred to me before. (Aloud.) We've been discussing "Shakespeare and
+the musical glasses" in the veranda.
+
+Miss T. (Aside.) Nice man! He knows that quotation. He isn't a
+Philistine with a moustache. (Aloud.) Good-bye, Captain Gadsby. (Aside.)
+What a huge hand and what a squeeze! I don't suppose he meant it, but he
+has driven the rings into my fingers.
+
+POOR DEAR MAMMA. Has Vermillion come round yet? Oh, yes! Captain Gadsby,
+don't you think that the saddle is too far forward? (They pass into the
+front veranda.)
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) How the dickens should I know what she prefers? She
+told me that she doted on horses. (Aloud.) I think it is.
+
+Miss T. (Coming out into front veranda.) Oh! Bad Buldoo! I must speak to
+him for this. He has taken up the curb two links, and Vermillion bates
+that. (Passes out and to horse's head.)
+
+CAPT. G. Let me do it!
+
+Miss. T. No, Vermillion understands me. Don't you, old man? (Looses
+curb-chain skilfully, and pats horse on nose and throttle.) Poor
+Vermillion! Did they want to cut his chin off? There!
+
+Captain Gadsby watches the interlude with undisguised admiration.
+
+POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Tartly to Miss T.) You've forgotten your guest, I
+think, dear.
+
+Miss T. Good gracious! So I have! Good-bye. (Retreats indoors hastily.)
+
+POOR DEAR MAMMA. (Bunching reins in fingers hampered by too tight
+gauntlets.) CAPTAIN Gadsby!
+
+CAPTAIN GADSBY stoops and makes the foot-rest. POOR DEAR MAMMA blunders,
+halts too long, and breaks through it.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Can't hold up even stone forever. It's all your
+rheumatism. (Aloud.) Can't imagine why I was so clumsy. (Aside.) Now
+Little Featherweight would have gone up like a bird.
+
+They ride oat of the garden. The Captain falls back.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) How that habit catches her under the arms! Ugh!
+
+POOR DEAR MAMMA. (With the worn smile of sixteen seasons, the worse for
+exchange.) You're dull this afternoon, CAPTAIN Gadsby.
+
+CAPT. G. (Spurring up wearily.) Why did you keep me waiting so long?
+
+Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
+
+(AN INTERVAL OF THREE WEEKS.)
+
+GILDED YOUTH. (Sitting on railings opposite Town Hall.) Hullo, Gandy!
+'Been trotting out the Gorgonzola! We all thought it was the Gorgan
+you're mashing.
+
+CAPT. G. (With withering emphasis.) You young cub! What the--does it
+matter to you?
+
+Proceeds to read GILDED YOUTH a lecture on discretion and deportment,
+which crumbles latter like a Chinese Lantern. Departs fuming.
+
+(FURTHER INTERVAL OF FIVE WEEKS.) SCENE.--Exterior of New Simla Library
+
+on a foggy evening. Miss THREECAN and Miss DEERCOURT meet among the
+'rickshaws. Miss T. is carrying a bundle of books under her left arm.
+
+Miss D. (Level intonation.) Well?
+
+Miss 'I'. (Ascending intonation.) Well?
+
+Miss D. (Capturing her friend's left arm, taking away all the books,
+placing books in 'rickshaw, returning to arm, securing hand by third
+finger and investigating.) Well! You bad girl! And you never told me.
+
+Miss T. (Demurely.) He--he--he only spoke yesterday afternoon.
+
+Miss D. Bless you, dear! And I'm to be bridesmaid, aren't I? You know
+you promised ever so long ago.
+
+Miss T. Of course. I'll tell you all about it to-morrow. (Gets into
+'rickshaw.) O Emma!
+
+Miss D. (With intense interest.) Yes, dear?
+
+Miss T. (Piano.) It's quite true---- about--the--egg.
+
+Miss D. What egg?
+
+Miss T. (Pianissimo prestissimo.) The egg without the salt. (Porte.)
+Chalo ghar ko jaldi, jhampani! (Go home, jhampani.)
+
+
+
+
+THE WORLD WITHOUT
+
+Certain people of importance.
+
+SCENE.--Smoking-room of the Degchi Club. Time, 10.30 P. M. of a stuffy
+night in the Rains. Four men dispersed in picturesque attitudes and
+easy-chairs. To these enter BLAYNE of the Irregular Moguls, in evening
+dress.
+
+BLAYNE. Phew! The Judge ought to be hanged in his own store-godown. Hi,
+khitmatgarl Poora whiskey-peg, to take the taste out of my mouth.
+
+CURTISS. (Royal Artillery.) That's it, is it? What the deuce made you
+dine at the Judge's? You know his bandobust.
+
+BLAYNE. 'Thought it couldn't be worse than the Club, but I'll swear he
+buys ullaged liquor and doctors it with gin and ink (looking round the
+room.) Is this all of you to-night?
+
+DOONE. (P.W.D.) Anthony was called out at dinner. Mingle had a pain in
+his tummy.
+
+CURTISS. Miggy dies of cholera once a week in the Rains, and gets drunk
+on chlorodyne in between. 'Good little chap, though. Any one at the
+Judge's, Blayne?
+
+BLAYNE. Cockley and his memsahib looking awfully white and fagged.
+Female--girl--couldn't catch the name--on her way to the Hills,
+under the Cockleys' charge--the Judge, and Markyn fresh from
+Simla--disgustingly fit.
+
+CURTISS. Good Lord, how truly magnificent! Was there enough ice? When I
+mangled garbage there I got one whole lump--nearly as big as a walnut.
+What had Markyn to say for himself?
+
+BLAYNE. 'Seems that every one is having a fairly good time up there in
+spite of the rain. By Jove, that reminds me! I know I hadn't come across
+just for the pleasure of your society. News! Great news! Markyn told me.
+
+DOONE. Who's dead now?
+
+BLAYNE. No one that I know of; but Gandy's hooked at last!
+
+DROPPING CHORUS. How much? The Devil! Markyn was pulling your leg. Not
+GANDY!
+
+BLAYNE. (Humming.) "Yea, verily, verily, verily! Verily, verily, I say
+unto thee." Theodore, the gift o' God! Our Phillup! It's been given out
+up above.
+
+MACKESY. (Barrister-at-Law.) Huh! Women will give out anything. What
+does accused say?
+
+BLAYNE. Markyn told me that he congratulated him warily--one hand held
+out, t'other ready to guard. Gandy turned pink and said it was so.
+
+CURTISS. Poor old Caddy! They all do it. Who's she? Let's hear the
+details.
+
+BLAYNE. She's a girl--daughter of a Colonel Somebody.
+
+DOONE. Simla's stiff with Colonels' daughters. Be more explicit.
+
+BLAYNE. Wait a shake. What was her name? Thresomething. Three--
+
+CURTISS. Stars, perhaps. Caddy knows that brand.
+
+BLAYNE. Threegan--Minnie Threegan.
+
+MACKESY. Threegan Isn't she a little bit of a girl with red hair?
+
+BLAYNE. 'Bout that--from what from what Markyn said.
+
+MACKESY. Then I've met her. She was at Lucknow last season. 'Owned a
+permanently juvenile Mamma, and danced damnably. I say, Jervoise, you
+knew the Threegans, didn't you?
+
+JERVOISE. (Civilian of twenty-five years' service, waking up from his
+doze.) Eh? What's that? Knew who? How? I thought I was at Home, confound
+you!
+
+MACKESY. The Threegan girl's engaged, so Blayne says.
+
+JERVOISE. (Slowly.) Engaged--en-gaged! Bless my soul! I'm getting an old
+man! Little Minnie Threegan engaged. It was only the other day I went
+home with them in the Surat--no, the Massilia--and she was crawling
+about on her hands and knees among the ayahs. 'Used to call me the
+"Tick Tack Sahib" because I showed her my watch. And that was in
+Sixty--Seven-no, Seventy. Good God, how time flies! I'm an old man.
+I remember when Threegan married Miss Derwent--daughter of old Hooky
+Derwent--but that was before your time. And so the little baby's engaged
+to have a little baby of her own! Who's the other fool?
+
+MACKESY. Gadsby of the Pink Hussars.
+
+JERVOISE. 'Never met him. Threegan lived in debt, married in debt,
+and 'll die in debt. 'Must be glad to get the girl off his hands.
+
+BLAYNE. Caddy has money--lucky devil. Place at Home, too.
+
+DOONE. He comes of first-class stock. 'Can't quite understand his being
+caught by a Colonel's daughter, and (looking cautiously round room.)
+Black Infantry at that! No offence to you, Blayne.
+
+BLAYNE. (Stiffly.) Not much, thaanks.
+
+CURTISS. (Quoting motto of Irregular Moguls.) "We are what we are," eh,
+old man? But Gandy was such a superior animal as a rule. Why didn't he
+go Home and pick his wife there?
+
+MACKESY. They are all alike when they come to the turn into the
+straight. About thirty a man begins to get sick of living alone.
+
+CURTISS. And of the eternal muttony-chop in the morning.
+
+DOONE. It's a dead goat as a rule, but go on, Mackesy.
+
+MACKESY. If a man's once taken that way nothing will hold him, Do you
+remember Benoit of your service, Doone? They transferred him to Tharanda
+when his time came, and he married a platelayer's daughter, or something
+of that kind. She was the only female about the place.
+
+DONE. Yes, poor brute. That smashed Benoit's chances of promotion
+altogether. Mrs. Benoit used to ask "Was you gem' to the dance this
+evenin'?"
+
+CURTISS. Hang it all! Gandy hasn't married beneath him. There's no
+tarbrush in the family, I suppose.
+
+JERVOISE. Tar-brush! Not an anna. You young fellows talk as though
+the man was doing the girl an honor in marrying her. You're all too
+conceited--nothing's good enough for you.
+
+BLAYNE. Not even an empty Club, a dam' bad dinner at the Judge's, and
+a Station as sickly as a hospital. You're quite right. We're a set of
+Sybarites.
+
+DOONE. Luxurious dogs, wallowing in--
+
+CURTISS. Prickly heat between the shoulders. I'm covered with it. Let's
+hope Beora will be cooler.
+
+BLAYNE. Whew! Are you ordered into camp, too? I thought the Gunners had
+a clean sheet.
+
+CURTISS. No, worse luck. Two cases yesterday--one died--and if we have a
+third, out we go. Is there any shooting at Beora, Doone?
+
+DOONE. The country's under water, except the patch by the Grand Trunk
+Road. I was there yesterday, looking at a bund, and came across four
+poor devils in their last stage. It's rather bad from here to Kuchara.
+
+CURTISS. Then we're pretty certain to have a heavy go of it. Heigho!
+I shouldn't mind changing places with Gaddy for a while. 'Sport with
+Amaryllis in the shade of the Town Hall, and all that. Oh, why doesn't
+somebody come and marry me, instead of letting me go into cholera-camp?
+
+MACKESY. Ask the Committee.
+
+CURTISS. You ruffian! You'll stand me another peg for that. Blayne,
+what will you take? Mackesy is fine on moral grounds. Done, have you any
+preference?
+
+DONE. Small glass Kummel, please. Excellent carminative, these days.
+Anthony told me so.
+
+MACKESY. (Signing voucher for four drinks.) Most unfair punishment.
+I only thought of Curtiss as Actaeon being chivied round the billiard
+tables by the nymphs of Diana.
+
+BLAYNE. Curtiss would have to import his nymphs by train. Mrs. Cockley's
+the only woman in the Station. She won't leave Cockley, and he's doing
+his best to get her to go.
+
+CURTISS. Good, indeed! Here's Mrs. Cockley's health. To the only wife in
+the Station and a damned brave woman!
+
+OMNES. (Drinking.) A damned brave woman
+
+BLAYNE. I suppose Gandy will bring his wife here at the end of the cold
+weather. They are going to be married almost immediately, I believe.
+
+CURTISS. Gandy may thank his luck that the Pink Hussars are all
+detachment and no headquarters this hot weather, or he'd be torn
+from the arms of his love as sure as death. Have you ever noticed the
+thorough-minded way British Cavalry take to cholera? It's because they
+are so expensive. If the Pinks had stood fast here, they would have been
+out in camp a. month ago. Yes, I should decidedly like to be Gandy.
+
+MACKESY. He'll go Home after he's married, and send in his papers--see
+if he doesn't.
+
+BLAYNE. Why shouldn't he? Hasn't he money? Would any one of us be here
+if we weren't paupers?
+
+DONE. Poor old pauper! What has become of the six hundred you rooked
+from our table last month?
+
+BLAYNE. It took unto itself wings. I think an enterprising tradesman got
+some of it, and a shroff gobbled the rest--or else I spent it.
+
+CURTISS. Gandy never had dealings with a shroff in his life.
+
+DONE. Virtuous Gandy! If I had three thousand a month, paid from
+England, I don't think I'd deal with a shroff either.
+
+MACKESY. (Yawning.) Oh, it's a sweet life! I wonder whether matrimony
+would make it sweeter.
+
+CURTISS. Ask Cockley--with his wife dying by inches!
+
+BLAYNE. Go home and get a fool of a girl to come out to--what is it
+Thackeray says?-"the splendid palace of an Indian pro-consul."
+
+DOONE. Which reminds me. My quarters leak like a sieve. I had fever last
+night from sleeping in a swamp. And the worst of it is, one can't do
+anything to a roof till the Rains are over.
+
+CURTISS. What's wrong with you? You haven't eighty rotting Tommies to
+take into a running stream.
+
+DONE. No: but I'm mixed boils and bad language. I'm a regular Job all
+over my body. It's sheer poverty of blood, and I don't see any chance of
+getting richer--either way.
+
+BLAYNE. Can't you take leave? DONE. That's the pull you Army men have
+over us. Ten days are nothing in your sight. I'm so important that
+Government can't find a substitute if I go away. Ye-es, I'd like to be
+Gandy, whoever his wife may be.
+
+CURTISS. You've passed the turn of life that Mackesy was speaking of.
+
+DONE. Indeed I have, but I never yet had the brutality to ask a woman to
+share my life out here.
+
+BLAYNE. On my soul I believe you're right. I'm thinking of Mrs. Cockley.
+The woman's an absolute wreck.
+
+DONE. Exactly. Because she stays down here. The only way to keep her fit
+would be to send her to the Hills for eight months--and the same with
+any woman. I fancy I see myself taking a wife on those terms.
+
+MACKESY. With the rupee at one and sixpence. The little Doones would be
+little Debra Doones, with a fine Mussoorie chi-chi anent to bring home
+for the holidays.
+
+CURTISS. And a pair of be-ewtiful sambhur-horns for Done to wear, free
+of expense, presented by--DONE. Yes, it's an enchanting prospect. By the
+way, the rupee hasn't done falling yet. The time will come when we shall
+think ourselves lucky if we only lose half our pay.
+
+CURTISS. Surely a third's loss enough. Who gains by the arrangement?
+That's what I want to know.
+
+BLAYNE. The Silver Question! I'm going to bed if you begin squabbling
+Thank Goodness, here's Anthony--looking like a ghost.
+
+Enter ANTHONY, Indian Medical Staff, very white and tired.
+
+ANTHONY. 'Evening, Blayne. It's raining in sheets. Whiskey peg lao,
+khitmatgar. The roads are something ghastly.
+
+CURTISS. How's Mingle?
+
+ANTHONY. Very bad, and more frightened. I handed him over to Few-ton.
+Mingle might just as well have called him in the first place, instead of
+bothering me.
+
+BLAYNE. He's a nervous little chap. What has he got, this time?
+
+ANTHONY. 'Can't quite say. A very bad tummy and a blue funk so far. He
+asked me at once if it was cholera, and I told him not to be a fool.
+That soothed him.
+
+CURTIS. Poor devil! The funk does half the business in a man of that
+build.
+
+ANTHONY. (Lighting a cheroot.) I firmly believe the funk will kill him
+if he stays down. You know the amount of trouble he's been giving Fewton
+for the last three weeks. He's doing his very best to frighten himself
+into the grave.
+
+GENERAL CHORUS. Poor little devil! Why doesn't he get away?
+
+ANTHONY. 'Can't. He has his leave all right, but he's so dipped he can't
+take it, and I don't think his name on paper would raise four annas.
+That's in confidence, though.
+
+MACKESY. All the Station knows it.
+
+ANTHONY. "I suppose I shall have to die here," he said, squirming all
+across the bed. He's quite made up his mind to Kingdom Come. And I know
+he has nothing more than a wet-weather tummy if he could only keep a
+hand on himself.
+
+BLAYNE. That's bad. That's very bad. Poor little Miggy. Good little
+chap, too. I say--
+
+ANTHONY. What do you say?
+
+BLAYNE. Well, look here--anyhow. If it's like that--as you say--I say
+fifty.
+
+CURTISS. I say fifty.
+
+MACKESY. I go twenty better.
+
+DONE. Bloated Croesus of the Bar! I say fifty. Jervoise, what do you
+say? Hi! Wake up!
+
+JERVOISE. Eh? What's that? What's that?
+
+CURTISS. We want a hundred rupees from you. You're a bachelor drawing a
+gigantic income, and there's a man in a hole.
+
+JERVOISE. What man? Any one dead?
+
+BLAYNE. No, but he'll die if you don't give the hundred. Here! Here's a
+peg-voucher. You can see what we've signed for, and Anthony's man will
+come round to-morrow to collect it. So there will be no trouble.
+
+JERVOISE. (Signing.) One hundred, E. M. J. There you are (feebly). It
+isn't one of your jokes, is it?
+
+BLAYNE. No, it really is wanted. Anthony, you were the biggest
+poker-winner last week, and you've defrauded the tax-collector too long.
+Sign!
+
+ANTHONY. Let's see. Three fifties and a seventy-two twenty-three
+twenty-say four hundred and twenty. That'll give him a month clear
+at the Hills. Many thanks, you men. I'll send round the chaprassi
+to-morrow.
+
+CURTISS. You must engineer his taking the stuff, and of course you
+mustn't--
+
+ANTHONY. Of course. It would never do. He'd weep with gratitude over his
+evening drink.
+
+BLAYNE. That's just what he would do, damn him. Oh! I say, Anthony, you
+pretend to know everything. Have you heard about Gandy?
+
+ANTHONY. No. Divorce Court at last?
+
+BLAYNE. Worse. He's engaged!
+
+ANTHONY. How much? He can't be!
+
+BLAYNE. He is. He's going to be married in a few weeks. Markyn told me
+at the Judge's this evening. It's pukka.
+
+ANTHONY. You don't say so? Holy Moses! There'll be a shine in the tents
+of Kedar.
+
+CURTISS. 'Regiment cut up rough, think you?
+
+ANTHONY. 'Don't know anything about the Regiment.
+
+MACKESY. It is bigamy, then?
+
+ANTHONY. Maybe. Do you mean to say that you men have forgotten, or is
+there more charity in the world than I thought?
+
+DONE. You don't look pretty when you are trying to keep a secret. You
+bloat. Explain.
+
+ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott!
+
+BLAYNE. (After a long pause, to the room generally.) It's my notion that
+we are a set of fools.
+
+MACKESY. Nonsense. That business was knocked on the head last season.
+Why, young Mallard--
+
+ANTHONY. Mallard was a candlestick, paraded as such. Think awhile.
+Recollect last season and the talk then. Mallard or no Mallard, did
+Gandy ever talk to any other woman?
+
+CURTISS. There's something in that. It was slightly noticeable now you
+come to mention it. But she's at Naini Tat and he's at Simla.
+
+ANTHONY. He had to go to Simla to look after a globe-trotter relative of
+his--a person with a title. Uncle or aunt.
+
+BLAYNE And there he got engaged. No law prevents a man growing tired of
+a woman.
+
+ANTHONY. Except that he mustn't do it till the woman is tired of him.
+And the Herriott woman was not that.
+
+CURTISS. She may be now. Two months of Naini Tal works wonders.
+
+DONE. Curious thing how some women carry a Fate with them. There was a
+Mrs. Deegie in the Central Provinces whose men invariably fell away and
+got married. It became a regular proverb with us when I was down there.
+I remember three men desperately devoted to her, and they all, one after
+another, took wives.
+
+CURTISS. That's odd. Now I should have thought that Mrs. Deegie's
+influence would have led them to take other men's wives. It ought to
+have made them afraid of the judgment of Providence.
+
+ANTHONY. Mrs. Herriott will make Gandy afraid of something more than the
+judgment of Providence, I fancy.
+
+BLAYNE. Supposing things are as you say, he'll be a fool to face her.
+He'll sit tight at Simla.
+
+ANTHONY. 'Shouldn't be a bit surprised if he went off to Naini to
+explain. He's an unaccountable sort of man, and she's likely to be a
+more than unaccountable woman.
+
+DONE. What makes you take her character away so confidently?
+
+ANTHONY. Primum tern pus. Caddy was her first and a woman doesn't allow
+her first man to drop away without expostulation. She justifies the
+first transfer of affection to herself by swearing that it is forever
+and ever. Consequently--
+
+BLAYNE. Consequently, we are sitting here till past one o'clock, talking
+scandal like a set of Station cats. Anthony, it's all your fault.
+We were perfectly respectable till you came in Go to bed. I'm off,
+Good-night all.
+
+CURTISS. Past one! It's past two by Jove, and here's the khit coming for
+the late charge. Just Heavens! One, two, three, four, five rupees to
+pay for the pleasure of saying that a poor little beast of a woman is
+no better than she should be. I'm ashamed of myself. Go to bed, you
+slanderous villains, and if I'm sent to Beora to-morrow, be prepared to
+hear I'm dead before paying my card account!
+
+
+
+
+THE TENTS OF KEDAR
+
+Only why should it be with pain at all Why must I 'twix the leaves of
+corona! Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow? Why should the other women
+know so much, And talk together--Such the look and such The smile he
+used to love with, then as now.--Any Wife to any Husband.
+
+SCENE--A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and
+khitmatgars carefully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less
+Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers.
+
+MRS. HERRIOTT. (After conversation has risen to proper pitch.) Ah!
+'Didn't see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (Sotto voce.) Where
+have you been all this while, Pip?
+
+CAPTAIN GADSBY. (Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and
+settling hock glasses.) Good evening. (Sotto voce.) Not quite so loud
+another time. You've no notion how your voice carries. (Aside.) So much
+for shirking the written explanation. It'll have to be a verbal one now.
+Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable,
+engaged member of society and it's all over between us?
+
+MRS. H. I've a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday
+Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts' tennis? I
+was looking everywhere.
+
+CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (Aside.) It's for
+Minnie's sake, but it's going to be dashed unpleasant.
+
+MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have.
+I couldn't help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a
+week before you came up.
+
+CAPT. G. I didn't know--
+
+MRS. H. It really was.
+
+CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.
+
+MRS. H. What has upset you today? All these days? You haven't been near
+me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it kind of you,
+Pip? And I've been looking forward so much to your coming.
+
+CAPT. G. Have you?
+
+MRS. H. You know I have! I've been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it.
+I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the
+twelve o'clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: "That
+brings me nearer to Pip. My Pip!"
+
+CAPT. G. (With an uneasy laugh). What will Mackler think if you neglect
+him so?
+
+MRS. H. And it hasn't brought you nearer. You seem farther away than
+ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
+
+CAPT. G. No.
+
+MRS. H. Have I grown old in' the last few months, then? (Reaches forward
+to bank of flowers for menu-card.)
+
+PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (Hands menu-card. MRS. H. keeps her arm at
+full stretch for three seconds.)
+
+MRS. H. (To partner.) Oh, thanks. I didn't see. (Turns right again.) Is
+anything in me changed at all?
+
+CAPT. G. For Goodness's sake go on with your dinner! You must eat
+something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (Aside.) And I fancied
+she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of
+himself!
+
+MRS. H. (Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped
+carrots and a spoonful of gravy.) That isn't an answer. Tell me whether
+I have done anything.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) If it isn't ended here there will be a ghastly scene
+somewhere else. If only I'd written to her and stood the racket--at long
+range! (To Khitmatgar.) Han! Simpkin do. (Aloud.) I'll tell you later
+on.
+
+MRS. H. Tell me now. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you
+know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. We, of all
+people in the world, can't afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don't
+you like to say so? On my honor--
+
+CAPT. G. I haven't given the Vaynor man a thought.
+
+MRS. H. But how d'you know that I haven't?
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Here's my chance and may the Devil help me through
+with it. (Aloud and measuredly.) Believe me, I do not care how often or
+how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
+
+MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that! Oh, what is the good of squabbling
+and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a
+time? Pip, don't be a stupid!
+
+Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and
+continues his dinner.
+
+CAPT. G. (In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes.) Corns--my worst.
+
+MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I'll
+never do it again.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, I don't think you will; but I wonder what you will
+do before it's all over. (To Khitmatgar.) Thorah ur Simpkin do.
+
+MRS. H. Well! Haven't you the grace to apologize, bad man?
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) I mustn't let it drift back now. Trust a woman for
+being as blind as a bat when she won't see.
+
+MRS. H. I'm waiting; or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?
+
+CAPT. G. (Desperately.) By all means dictate.
+
+MRS. H. (Lightly.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names
+after me and go on: "Profess my sincere repentance."
+
+CAPT. G. "Sincere repentance."
+
+MRS. H. "For having behaved"--
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) At last! I wish to Goodness she'd look away. "For
+having behaved"--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and
+heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of
+making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and forever.
+(Aside.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard--!
+
+MRS. H. (Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate.) That's not
+a pretty joke.
+
+CAPT. G. No. It's a reality. (Aside.) I wonder if smashes of this kind
+are always so raw.
+
+MRS. H. Really, Pip, you're getting more absurd every day.
+
+CAPT. G. I don't think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
+
+MRS. H. No! For pity's sake don't do that. It's too terrible, even in
+fur.
+
+CAPT. G. I'll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be
+horsewhipped.
+
+MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.
+
+CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
+
+MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What have I done?
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) If she only wouldn't look at me. (Aloud and very
+slowly, his eyes on his plate.) D'you remember that evening in July,
+before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come
+sooner or later--and you wondered for which of US it would come first?
+
+MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was
+breath in your body, it should never come. And I believed you.
+
+CAPT. G. (Fingering menu-card.) Well, it has. That's all.
+
+A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the
+bread-twist into little pellets; G. stares at the oleanders.
+
+MRS. H. (Throwing back her head and laughing naturally.) They train us
+women well, don't they, Pip?
+
+CAPT. G. (Brutally, touching shirt-stud.) So far as the expression goes.
+(Aside.) It isn't in her nature to take things quietly. There'll be an
+explosion yet.
+
+MRS. H. (With a shudder.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow people
+to wriggle when they're being tortured, I believe. (Slips fan from
+girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin.)
+
+PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close tonight, isn't it? 'You find it too much for
+you?
+
+MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs,
+even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn't they? (Turns, dropping fan and
+raising eyebrows.)
+
+CAPT. G. It's all right. (Aside.) Here comes the storm!
+
+MRS. H. (Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand.) It was
+very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore--you never
+contented yourself with merely Saying a thing--you swore that, as far
+as lay in your power, you'd make my wretched life pleasant for me. And
+you've denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have
+done it--indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this
+refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (Fan-guard as before.) You have
+explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven't spoken or
+written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the
+last minute. You haven't condescended to give me your reason yet. No!
+A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many men like
+you in the world?
+
+CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. (To Khitmatgar.) Ohe! Simpkin do.
+
+MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don't you? Do men of the
+world behave like Devils when they a woman the honor to get tired of
+her?
+
+CAPT. G. I'm sure I don't know. Don't speak so loud!
+
+MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens. Don't be afraid
+of my compromising you. You've chosen your ground far too well, and I've
+been properly brought up. (Lowering fan.) Haven't you any pity, Pip,
+except for yourself?
+
+CAPT. G. Wouldn't it be rather impertinent of me to say that I'm sorry
+for you?
+
+MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You're growing
+very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You
+said I was. You've made me what I am. What are you going to do with
+me? What are you going to do with me? Won't you say that you are sorry?
+(Helps herself to iced asparagus.)
+
+CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you Want the pity of such a brute as I
+am. I'm awf'ly sorry for you.
+
+MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that
+admission clears you?
+
+CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You
+can't think worse than that?
+
+MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all
+this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken?
+
+CAPT. G. (Angrily, his eyes still lowered.) No! The thing has come to an
+end on my side. That's all. Mafisch!
+
+MRS. H. "That's all. Mafisch!" As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You
+used to make prettier speeches. D'you remember when you said?--
+
+CAPT. G. For Heaven's sake don't bring that back! Call me anything you
+like and I'll admit it--
+
+MRS. H. But you don't care to be reminded of old lies? If I could
+hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-night--No, I
+wouldn't--I couldn't do it--liar though you are.
+
+CAPT. G. I've spoken the truth.
+
+MRS. H. My dear Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the
+reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don't know yourself. You
+have been everything to me, though you are--(Fan-guard.) Oh, what a
+contemptible Thing it is! And so you are merely tired of me?
+
+CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it--Yes.
+
+MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so
+in-effectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no
+fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you
+more than I do. Simply Mafisch, is it?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes. (Aside.) I think I deserve this.
+
+MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her
+name.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) I'll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the
+business! (Aloud.) Is it likely?
+
+MRS. H. Very likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity.
+You'd cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.
+
+CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end to this business.
+
+MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not--And so you were going to be virtuous
+and blase', were you? To come to me and say: "I've done with you. The
+incident is clo-osed." I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so
+long.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner.
+(Aloud.) You know what I think of myself.
+
+MRS. H. As it's the only person in he world you ever do think of, and as
+I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and--Oh,
+I can't keep you back! And you're going--think of it, Pip--to throw me
+over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were--Pip,
+my Pip! She can't care for you as I do. Believe me, she can't. Is it any
+one that I know?
+
+CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn't. (Aside.) I expected a cyclone, but not
+an earthquake.
+
+MRS. H. She can't! Is there anything that I wouldn't do for you--or
+haven't done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you,
+knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?
+
+CAPT. G. (Wiping his mouth to hide a smile.) Again? It's entirely a work
+of charity on your part.
+
+MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.--Is she better-looking
+than I? Who was it said?--
+
+CAPT. G. No--not that!
+
+MRS. H. I'll be more merciful than you were. Don't you know that all
+women are alike?
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.
+
+MRS. H. All of them! I'll tell you anything you like. I will, upon
+my word! They only want the admiration--from anybody--no matter
+who--anybody! But there is always one man that they care for more than
+any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, do
+listen! I've kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he
+believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I'll tell you what
+he said to me.
+
+CAPT. G. Spare him. (Aside.) I wonder what his version is.
+
+MRS. H. He's been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner.
+Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?
+
+CAPT. G. "But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?"
+
+MRS. H. Watch! (Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to
+combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare
+of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance.)
+
+CAPT. G. (Critically.) He doesn't look pretty. Why didn't you wait till
+the spoon was out of his mouth?
+
+MRS. H. To amuse you. She'll make an exhibition of you as I've made of
+him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can't you see that? It's
+as plain as the noonday Sun. You'll be trotted about and told lies, and
+made a fool of like the others. I never made a fool of you, did I?
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) What a clever little woman it is!
+
+MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?
+
+CAPT. G. I feel better.
+
+MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I
+couldn't have done it if I hadn't cared for you so much. I have spoken
+the truth.
+
+CAPT. G. It doesn't alter the situation.
+
+MRS. H. (Passionately.) Then she has said that she cares for you! Don't
+believe her, Pip. It's a lie--as bad as yours to me!
+
+CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I've a notion that a friend of yours is looking at
+you.
+
+MRS. H. He! I hate him. He introduced you to me.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) And some people would like women to assist in making
+the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (Aloud.) Well, you see, if
+you can remember so far back as that, I couldn't, in' common politeness,
+refuse the offer.
+
+MRS. H. In common politeness I We have got beyond that!
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Old ground means fresh trouble. (Aloud.) On my honor
+
+MRS. H. Your what? Ha, ha!
+
+CAPT. G. Dishonor, then. She's not what you imagine. I meant to--
+
+MRS. H. Don't tell me anything about her! She won't care for you, and
+when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you'll
+find me occupied with--
+
+CAPT. G. (Insolently.) You couldn't while I am alive. (Aside.) If that
+doesn't bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.
+
+MRS. H. (Drawing herself up.) Couldn't do it? I' (Softening.) You're
+right. I don't believe I could--though you are what you are--a coward
+and a liar in grain.
+
+CAPT. G. It doesn't hurt so much after your little lecture--with
+demonstrations.
+
+MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing ever touch you in this life?
+There must be a Hereafter if it's only for the benefit of--But you will
+have it all to yourself.
+
+CAPT. G. (Under his eyebrows.) Are you certain of that?
+
+MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.
+
+CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment
+ago? (Aside.) Oh, I am a brute!
+
+MRS. H. (Fiercely.) Will that con-sole me for knowing that you will go
+to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same pet
+names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over
+my story. Won't that be punishment heavy enough even for me--even for
+me?--And it's all useless. That's another punishment.
+
+CAPT. G. (Feebly.) Oh, come! I'm not so low as you think.
+
+MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters
+your vanity, there's nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and
+no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without
+knowing that?
+
+CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don't see why I
+should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue.
+
+MRS. H. If you denied everything you've said this evening and declared
+it was all in' fun (a long pause), I'd trust you. Not otherwise. All
+I ask is, don't tell her my name. Please don't. A man might forget: a
+woman never would. (Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect
+eyes.) So it's all ended, through no fault of mine--Haven't I behaved
+beautifully? I've accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly
+as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven't I? (Arranging
+gloves and fan.) I only pray that she'll know you some day as I know you
+now. I wouldn't be you then, for I think even your conceit will be
+hurt. I hope she'll pay you back the humiliation you've brought on me.
+I hope--No. I don't! I can't give you up! I must have something to look
+forward to or I shall go crazy. When it's all over, come back to me,
+come back to me, and you'll find that you're my Pip still!
+
+CAPT. G. (Very clearly.) False move, and you pay for it. It's a girl!
+
+MRS. H. (Rising.) Then it was true! They said--but I wouldn't insult you
+by asking. A girl! I was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip.
+I daresay she believes in' you.
+
+Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and
+settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves.
+
+CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He
+kindly tell me what I have done? (Reaching out for the claret, and half
+aloud.) What have I done?
+
+
+
+
+WITH ANY AMAZEMENT
+
+And are not afraid with any amazement.--Marriage Service.
+
+SCENE.--A bachelor's bedroom-toilet-table arranged with unnatural
+neatness. CAPTAIN GADSBY asleep and snoring heavily. Time, 10:30 A.
+M.--a glorious autumn day at Simla. Enter delicately Captain MAFFLIN of
+GADSBY's regiment. Looks at sleeper, and shakes his head murmuring "Poor
+Gaddy." Performs violent fantasia with hair-brushes on chairback.
+
+CAPT. M. Wake up, my sleeping beauty! (Roars.)
+
+"Uprouse ye, then, my merry merry men! It is our opening day! It is our
+opening da-ay!"
+
+Gaddy, the little dicky-birds have been billing and cooing for ever so
+long; and I'm here!
+
+CAPT. G. (Sitting up and yawning.) 'Mornin'. This is awf'ly good of
+you, old fellow. Most awf'ly good of you. 'Don't know what I should do
+without you. 'Pon my soul, I don't. 'Haven't slept a wink all night.
+
+CAPT. M. I didn't get in till half-past eleven. 'Had a look at you then,
+and you seemed to be sleeping as soundly as a condemned criminal.
+
+CAPT. G. Jack, if you want to make those disgustingly worn-out jokes,
+you'd better go away. (With portentous gravity.) It's the happiest day
+in my life.
+
+CAPT. M. (Chuckling grimly.) Not by a very long chalk, my son. You're
+going through some of the most refined torture you've ever known. But be
+calm. I am with you. 'Shun! Dress!
+
+CAPT. G. Eh! Wha-at?
+
+CAPT. M. Do you suppose that you are your own master for the next twelve
+hours? If you do, of course-(Makes for the door.)
+
+CAPT. G. No! For Goodness' sake, old man, don't do that! You'll see
+through, won't you? I've been mugging up that beastly drill, and can't
+remember a line of it.
+
+CAPT. M. (Overturning G.'s uniform.) Go and tub. Don't bother me. I'll
+give you ten minutes to dress in.
+
+(Interval, filled by the noise as of one splashing in the bath-room.)
+
+CAPT. G. (Emerging from dressing-room.) What time is it?
+
+CAPT. M. Nearly eleven.
+
+CAPT. G. Five hours more. O Lord!
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'First sign of funk, that. 'Wonder if it's going to
+spread. (Aloud.) Come along to breakfast.
+
+CAPT. G. I can't eat anything. I don't want any breakfast.
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) So early! (Aloud) CAPTAIN Gadsby, I order you to eat
+breakfast, and a dashed good breakfast, too. None of your bridal airs
+and graces with me!
+
+Leads G. downstairs and stands over him while he eats two chops.
+
+CAPT. G. (Who has looked at his watch thrice in the last five minutes.)
+What time is it?
+
+CAPT. M. Time to come for a walk. Light up.
+
+CAPT. G. I haven't smoked for ten days, and I won't now. (Takes cheroot
+which M. has cut for him, and blows smoke through his nose luxuriously.)
+We aren't going down the Mall, are we?
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) They're all alike in these stages. (Aloud.) No, my
+Vestal. We're going along the quietest road we can find.
+
+CAPT. G. Any chance of seeing Her? CAPT. M. Innocent! No! Come along,
+and, if you want me for the final obsequies, don't cut my eye out with
+your stick.
+
+CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I say, isn't She the dearest creature that
+ever walked? What's the time? What comes after "wilt thou take this
+woman"?
+
+CAPT. M. You go for the ring. R'clect it'll be on the top of my
+right-hand little finger, and just be careful how you draw it off,
+because I shall have the Verger's fees somewhere in my glove.
+
+CAPT. G. (Walking forward hastily.) D---- the Verger! Come along! It's
+past twelve and I haven't seen Her since yesterday evening. (Spinning
+round again.) She's an absolute angel, Jack, and She's a dashed deal too
+good for me. Look here, does She come up the aisle on my arm, or how?
+
+CAPT. M. If I thought that there was the least chance of your
+remembering anything for two consecutive minutes, I'd tell you. Stop
+passaging about like that!
+
+CAPT. G. (Halting in the middle of the road.) I say, Jack.
+
+CAPT. M. Keep quiet for another ten minutes if you can, you lunatic; and
+walk!
+
+The two tramp at five miles an hour for fifteen minutes.
+
+CAPT. G. What's the time? How about the cursed wedding-cake and the
+slippers? They don't throw 'em about in church, do they?
+
+CAPT. M. In-variably. The Padre leads off with his boots.
+
+CAPT. G. Confound your silly soul! Don't make fun of me. I can't stand
+it, and I won't!
+
+CAPT. M. (Untroubled.) So-ooo, old horse You'll have to sleep for a
+couple of hours this afternoon.
+
+CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) I'm not going to be treated like a dashed
+child. Understand that!
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) Nerves gone to fiddle-strings. What a day we're
+having! (Tenderly putting his hand on G.'s shoulder.) My David, how long
+have you known this Jonathan? Would I come up here to make a fool of
+you--after all these years?
+
+CAPT. G. (Penitently.) I know, I know, Jack--but I'm as upset as I can
+be. Don't mind what I say. Just hear me run through the drill and see if
+I've got it all right:-"To have and to hold for better or worse, as it
+was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, so
+help me God. Amen."
+
+CAPT. M. (Suffocating with suppressed laughter.) Yes. That's about the
+gist of it. I'll prompt if you get into a hat.
+
+CAPT. G. (Earnestly.) Yes, you'll stick by me, Jack, won't you? I'm
+awfully happy, but I don't mind telling you that I'm in a blue funk!
+
+CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Are you? I should never have noticed it. You don't
+look like it.
+
+CAPT. G. Don't I? That's all right. (Spinning round.) On my soul and
+honor, Jack, She's the sweetest little angel that ever came down from
+the sky. There isn't a woman on earth fit to speak to Her.
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this is old Gandy! (Aloud.) Go on if it relieves
+you.
+
+CAPT. G. You can laugh! That's all you wild asses of bachelors are fit
+for.
+
+CAPT. M. (Drawling.) You never would wait for the troop to come up. You
+aren't quite married yet, y'know.
+
+CAPT. G. Ugh! That reminds me. I don't believe I shall be able to get
+into any boots Let's go home and try 'em on (Hurries forward.)
+
+CAPT. M. 'Wouldn't be in your shoes for anything that Asia has to offer.
+
+CAPT. G. (Spinning round.) That just shows your hideous blackness of
+soul--your dense stupidity--your brutal narrow-mindedness. There's only
+one fault about you. You're the best of good fellows, and I don't know
+what I should have done without you, but--you aren't married. (Wags his
+head gravely.) Take a wife, Jack.
+
+CAPT. M. (With a face like a wall.) Va-as. Whose for choice?
+
+CAPT. G. If you're going to be a blackguard, I'm going on--What's the
+time?
+
+CAPT. M. (Hums.)--
+
+     "An' since 'twas very clear we drank only ginger-beer,
+     Faith, there must ha' been some stingo in the ginger."
+
+Come back, you maniac. I'm going to take you home, and you're going to
+lie down.
+
+CAPT. G. What on earth do I want to lie down for?
+
+CAPT. M. Give me a light from your cheroot and see.
+
+CAPT. G. (Watching cheroot-butt quiver like a tuning-fork.) Sweet state
+I'm in!
+
+CAPT. M. You are. I'll get you a peg and you'll go to sleep.
+
+They return and M. compounds a four-finger peg.
+
+CAPT. G. O bus! bus! It'll make me as drunk as an owl.
+
+CAPT. M. 'Curious thing, 'twon't have the slightest effect on you. Drink
+it off, chuck yourself down there, and go to bye-bye.
+
+CAPT. G. It's absurd. I sha'n't sleep, I know I sha'n't!
+
+(Falls into heavy doze at end of seven minutes. CAPT. M. watches him
+tenderly.)
+
+CAPT. M. Poor old Gandy! I've seen a few turned off before, but never
+one who went to the gallows in this condition. 'Can't tell how it
+affects 'em, though. It's the thoroughbreds that sweat when they're
+backed into double-harness.--And that's the man who went through the
+guns at Amdheran like a devil possessed of devils. (Leans over G.) But
+this is worse than the guns, old pal--worse than the guns, isn't it? (G.
+turns in his sleep, and M. touches him clumsily on the forehead.) Poor,
+dear old Gaddy I Going like the rest of 'em--going like the rest of
+'em--Friend that sticketh closer than a brother--eight years. Dashed
+bit of a slip of a girl--eight weeks! And--where's your friend? (Smokes
+disconsolately till church clock strikes three.)
+
+CAPT. M. Up with you! Get into your kit.
+
+CAPT. C. Already? Isn't it too soon? Hadn't I better have a shave?
+
+CAPT. M. No! You're all right. (Aside.) He'd chip his chin to pieces.
+
+CAPT. C. What's the hurry?
+
+CAPT. M. You've got to be there first.
+
+CAPT. C. To be stared at?
+
+CAPT. M. Exactly. You're part of the show. Where's the burnisher? Your
+spurs are in a shameful state.
+
+CAPT. G. (Gruffly.) Jack, I be damned if you shall do that for me.
+
+CAPT. M. (More gruffly.) Dry' up and get dressed! If I choose to clean
+your spurs, you're under my orders.
+
+CAPT. G. dresses. M. follows suit.
+
+CAPT. M. (Critically, walking round.) M'yes, you'll do. Only don't look
+so like a criminal. Ring, gloves, fees--that's all right for me. Let
+your moustache alone. Now, if the ponies are ready, we'll go.
+
+CAPT. G. (Nervously.) It's much too soon. Let's light up! Let's have a
+peg! Let's--CAPT. M. Let's make bally asses of ourselves!
+
+BELLS. (Without.)--
+
+"Good-peo-ple-all To prayers-we call."
+
+CAPT. M. There go the bells! Come an--unless you'd rather not. (They
+ride off.)
+
+BELLS.--
+
+"We honor the King And Brides joy do bring--Good tidings we tell, And
+ring the Dead's knell."
+
+CAPT. G. (Dismounting at the door of the Church.) I say, aren't we much
+too soon? There are no end of people inside. I say, aren't we much too
+late? Stick by me, Jack! What the devil do I do?
+
+CAPT. M. Strike an attitude at the head of the aisle and wait for Her.
+(G. groans as M. wheels him into position before three hundred eyes.)
+
+CAPT. M. (Imploringly.) Gaddy, if you love me, for pity's sake, for the
+Honor of the Regiment, stand up! Chuck yourself into your uniform! Look
+like a man! I've got to speak to the Padre a minute. (G. breaks into
+a gentle Perspiration.) your face I'll never man again. Stand up!
+(Visibly.) If you wipe your face I'll never be your best man again. Stand
+up! (G. Trembles visibly.)
+
+CAPT. M. (Returning.) She's coming now. Look out when the music starts.
+There's the organ beginning to clack.
+
+(Bride steps out of 'rickshaw at Church door. G. catches a glimpse of her
+and takes heart.)
+
+ORGAN.--
+
+     "The Voice that breathed o'er Eden,
+     That earliest marriage day,
+     The primal marriage-blessing,
+     It hath not passed away."
+
+CAPT. M. (Watching G.) By Jove! He is looking well. 'Didn't think he had
+it in him.
+
+CAPT. G. How long does this hymn go on for?
+
+CAPT. M. It will be over directly. (Anxiously.) Beginning to beltch and
+gulp. Hold on, Gabby, and think o' the Regiment.
+
+CAPT. G. (Measuredly.) I say there's a big brown lizard crawling up that
+wall.
+
+CAPT. M. My Sainted Mother! The last stage of collapse!
+
+Bride comes Up to left of altar, lifts her eyes once to G., who is
+suddenly smitten mad.
+
+CAPT. G. (TO himself again and again.) Little Featherweight's a woman--a
+woman! And I thought she was a little girl.
+
+CAPT. M. (In a whisper.) Form the halt--inward wheel.
+
+CAPT. G. obeys mechanically and the ceremony proceeds.
+
+PADRE.... only unto her as ye both shall live?
+
+CAPT. G. (His throat useless.) Ha--hmmm!
+
+CAPT. M. Say you will or you won't. There's no second deal here.
+
+Bride gives response with perfect calmness, and is given away by the
+father.
+
+CAPT. G. (Thinking to show his learning.) Jack give me away now, quick!
+
+CAPT. M. You've given yourself away quite enough. Her right hand, man!
+Repeat! Repeat! "Theodore Philip." Have you forgotten your own name?
+
+CAPT. G. stumbles through Affirmation, which Bride repeats without a
+tremor.
+
+CAPT. M. Now the ring! Follow the Padre! Don't pull off my glove! Here
+it is! Great Cupid, he's found his voice.
+
+CAPT. G. repeats Troth in a voice to be heard to the end of the Church
+and turns on his heel.
+
+CAPT. M. (Desperately.) Rein back! Back to your troop! 'Tisn't half
+legal yet.
+
+PADRE.... joined together let no man put asunder.
+
+CAPT. G. paralyzed with fear jibs after Blessing.
+
+CAPT. M. (Quickly.) On your own front--one length. Take her with you. I
+don't come. You've nothing to say. (CAPT. G. jingles up to altar.)
+
+CAPT. M. (In a piercing rattle meant to be a whisper.) Kneel, you
+stiff-necked ruffian! Kneel!
+
+PADRE... whose daughters are ye so long as ye do well and are not afraid
+with any amazement.
+
+CAPT. M. Dismiss! Break off! Left wheel!
+
+All troop to vestry. They sign.
+
+CAPT. M. Kiss Her, Gaddy.
+
+CAPT. G. (Rubbing the ink into his glove.) Eh! Wha-at?
+
+CAPT. M. (Taking one pace to Bride.) If you don't, I shall.
+
+CAPT. G. (Interposing an arm.) Not this journey!
+
+General kissing, in which CAPT. G. is pursued by unknown female.
+
+CAPT. G. (Faintly to M.) This is Hades! Can I wipe my face now?
+
+CAPT. M. My responsibility has ended. Better ask Misses GADSBY.
+
+CAPT. G. winces as though shot and procession is Mendelssohned out of
+Church to house, where usual tortures take place over the wedding-cake.
+
+CAPT. M. (At table.) Up with you, Gaddy. They expect a speech.
+
+CAPT. G. (After three minutes' agony.) Ha-hmmm. (Thunders Of applause.)
+
+CAPT. M. Doocid good, for a first attempt. Now go and change your kit
+while Mamma is weeping over "the Missus." (CAPT. G. disappears. CAPT. M.
+starts up tearing his hair.) It's not half legal. Where are the shoes?
+Get an ayah.
+
+AYAH. Missie Captain Sahib done gone band karo all the jutis.
+
+CAPT. M. (Brandishing scab larded sword.) Woman, produce those shoes
+Some one lend me a bread-knife. We mustn't crack Gaddy's head more than
+it is. (Slices heel off white satin slipper and puts slipper up his
+sleeve.)
+
+Where is the Bride? (To the company at large.) Be tender with that rice.
+It's a heathen custom. Give me the big bag.
+
+* * * * * *
+
+Bride slips out quietly into 'rickshaw and departs toward the sunset.
+
+CAPT. M. (In the open.) Stole away, by Jove! So much the worse for
+Gaddy! Here he is. Now Gaddy, this'll be livelier than Amdberan! Where's
+your horse?
+
+CAPT. G. (Furiously, seeing that the women are out of an earshot.) Where
+the--is my Wife?
+
+CAPT. M. Half-way to Mahasu by this time. You'll have to ride like Young
+Lochinvar.
+
+Horse comes round on his hind legs; refuses to let G. handle him.
+
+CAPT. G. Oh you will, will you? Get 'round, you brute--you hog--you
+beast! Get round!
+
+Wrenches horse's head over, nearly breaking lower jaw: swings himself
+into saddle, and sends home both spurs in the midst of a spattering gale
+of Best Patna.
+
+CAPT. M. For your life and your love-ride, Gaddy--And God bless you!
+
+Throws half a pound of rice at G. who disappears, bowed forward on the
+saddle, in a cloud of sunlit dust.
+
+CAPT. M. I've lost old Gaddy. (Lights cigarette and strolls off, singing
+absently):--
+
+"You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card, That a
+young man married is a young man marred!"
+
+Miss DEERCOURT. (From her horse.) Really, Captain Mafflin! You are more
+plain spoken than polite!
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) They say marriage is like cholera. 'Wonder who'll be
+the next victim.
+
+White satin slipper slides from his sleeve and falls at his feet. Left
+wondering.
+
+
+
+
+THE GARDEN OF EDEN And ye shall be as--Gods!
+
+SCENE.--Thymy grass-plot at back of t!'e Mahasu dak-bungalow,
+overlooking little wooded valley. On the left, glimpse of the Dead
+Forest of Fagoo; on the right, Simla Hills. In background, line of the
+Snows. CAPTAIN GADSBY, now three weeks a husband, is smoking the pipe of
+peace on a rug in the sunshine. Banjo and tobacco-pouch on rug. Overhead
+the Fagoo eagles. MRS. G. comes out of bungalow.
+
+MRS. G. My husband! CAPT. G. (Lazily, with intense enjoyment.) Eb,
+wha-at? Say that again.
+
+MRS. G. I've written to Mamma and told her that we shall be back on the
+17th.
+
+CAPT. G. Did you give her my love?
+
+MRS. G. No, I kept all that for myself. (Sitting down by his side.) I
+thought you wouldn't mind.
+
+CAPT. G. (With mock sternness.) I object awf'ly. How did you know that
+it was yours to keep?
+
+MRS. G. I guessed, Phil.
+
+CAPT. G. (Rapturously.) Lit-tle Featherweight!
+
+MRS. G. I won' t be called those sporting pet names, bad boy.
+
+CAPT. G. You'll be called anything I choose. Has it ever occurred to
+you, Madam, that you are my Wife?
+
+MRS. G. It has. I haven't ceased wondering at it yet.
+
+CAPT. G. Nor I. It seems so strange; and yet, somehow, it doesn't.
+(Confidently.) You see, it could have been no one else.
+
+MRS. G. (Softly.) No. No one else--for me or for you. It must have been
+all arranged from the beginning. Phil, tell me again what made you care
+for me.
+
+CAPT. G. How could I help it? You were you, you know.
+
+MRS. G. Did you ever want to help it? Speak the truth!
+
+CAPT. G. (A twinkle in his eye.) I did, darling, just at the first. Rut
+only at the very first. (Chuckles.) I called you--stoop low and I'll
+whisper--"a little beast." Ho! Ho! Ho!
+
+MRS. G. (Taking him by the moustache and making him sit up.)
+"A--little--beast!" Stop laughing over your crime! And yet you had
+the--the--awful cheek to propose to me!
+
+CAPT. C. I'd changed my mind then. And you weren't a little beast any
+more.
+
+MRS. G. Thank you, sir! And when was I ever?
+
+CAPT. G. Never! But that first day, when you gave me tea in that
+peach- muslin gown thing, you looked--you did indeed, dear--such
+an absurd little mite. And I didn't know what to say to you.
+
+MRS. G. (Twisting moustache.) So you said "little beast." Upon my word,
+Sir! I called you a "Crrrreature," but I wish now I had called you
+something worse.
+
+CAPT. G. (Very meekly.) I apologize, but you're hurting me awf'ly.
+(Interlude.) You're welcome to torture me again on those terms.
+
+MRS. G. Oh, why did you let me do it?
+
+CAPT. G. (Looking across valley.) No reason in particular, but--if it
+amused you or did you any good--you might--wipe those dear little boots
+of yours on me.
+
+MRS. G. (Stretching out her hands.) Don't! Oh, don't! Philip, my King,
+please don't talk like that. It's how I feel. You're so much too good
+for me. So much too good!
+
+CAPT. G. Me! I'm not fit to put my arm around you. (Puts it round.)
+
+MRS. C. Yes, you are. But I--what have I ever done?
+
+CAPT. G. Given me a wee bit of your heart, haven't you, my Queen!
+
+MRS. G. That's nothing. Any one would do that. They cou-couldn't help
+it.
+
+CAPT. G. Pussy, you'll make me horribly conceited. Just when I was
+beginning to feel so humble, too.
+
+MRS. G. Humble! I don't believe it's in your character.
+
+CAPT. G. What do you know of my character, Impertinence?
+
+MRS. G. Ah, but I shall, shan't I, Phil? I shall have time in all the
+years and years to come, to know everything about you; and there will be
+no secrets between us.
+
+CAPT. G. Little witch! I believe you know me thoroughly already.
+
+MRS. G. I think I can guess. You're selfish?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes.
+
+MRS. G. Foolish?
+
+CAPT. G. Very.
+
+MRS. G. And a dear?
+
+CAPT. G. That is as my lady pleases.
+
+MRS. G. Then your lady is pleased. (A pause.) D'you know that we're two
+solemn, serious, grown-up people--CAPT. G. (Tilting her straw hat over
+her eyes.) You grown-up! Pooh! You're a baby.
+
+MRS. G. And we're talking nonsense.
+
+CAPT. G. Then let's go on talking nonsense. I rather like it. Pussy,
+I'll tell you a secret. Promise not to repeat?
+
+MRS. G. Ye-es. Only to you.
+
+CAPT. G. I love you.
+
+MRS. G. Re-ally! For how long?
+
+CAPT. G. Forever and ever.
+
+MRS. G. That's a long time.
+
+CAPT. G. 'Think so? It's the shortest I can do with.
+
+MRS. G. You're getting quite clever.
+
+CAPT. G. I'm talking to you.
+
+MRS. G. Prettily turned. Hold up your stupid old head and I'll pay you
+for it.
+
+CAPT. G. (Affecting supreme contempt.) Take it yourself if you want it.
+
+MRS. G. I've a great mind to--and I will! (Takes it and is repaid with
+interest.)
+
+CAPT. G, Little Featherweight, it's my opinion that we are a couple of
+idiots.
+
+MRS. G. We're the only two sensible people in the world. Ask the eagle.
+He's coming by.
+
+CAPT. G. Ah! I dare say he's seen a good many sensible people at Mahasu.
+They say that those birds live for ever so long.
+
+MRS. G. How long?
+
+CAPT. G. A hundred and twenty years.
+
+MRS. G. A hundred and twenty years! O-oh! And in a hundred and twenty
+years where will these two sensible people be?
+
+CAPT. G. What does it matter so long as we are together now?
+
+MRS. G. (Looking round the horizon.) Yes. Only you and I--I and you--in
+the whole wide, wide world until the end. (Sees the line of the Snows.)
+How big and quiet the hills look! D'you think they care for us?
+
+CAPT. G. 'Can't say I've consulted em particularly. I care, and that's
+enough for me.
+
+MRS. G. (Drawing nearer to him.) Yes, now--but afterward. What's that
+little black blur on the Snows?
+
+CAPT. G. A snowstorm, forty miles away. You'll see it move, as the wind
+carries it across the face of that spur and then it will be all gone.
+
+MRS. G. And then it will be all gone. (Shivers.)
+
+CAPT. G. (Anxiously.) Not chilled, pet, are you? Better let me get
+your cloak.
+
+MRS. G. No. Don't leave me, Phil. Stay here. I believe I am afraid. Oh,
+why are the hills so horrid! Phil, promise me that you'll always love
+me.
+
+CAPT. G. What's the trouble, darling? I can't promise any more than I
+have; but I'll promise that again and again if you like.
+
+MRs. G. (Her head on his shoulder.) Say it, then--say it! N-no--don't!
+The--the--eagles would laugh. (Recovering.) My husband, you've married a
+little goose.
+
+CAPT. G. (Very tenderly.) Have I? I am content whatever she is, so long
+as she is mine.
+
+MRS. G. (Quickly.) Because she is yours or because she is me mineself?
+
+CAPT. G. Because she is both. (Piteously.) I'm not clever, dear, and I
+don't think I can make myself understood properly.
+
+MRS. G. I understand. Pip, will you tell me something?
+
+CAPT. G. Anything you like. (Aside.) I wonder what's coming now.
+
+MRS. G. (Haltingly, her eyes 'owered.) You told me once in the old
+days--centuries and centuries ago--that you had been engaged before. I
+didn't say anything--then.
+
+CAPT. G. (Innocently.) Why not?
+
+MRS. G. (Raising her eyes to his.) Because--because I was afraid of
+losing you, my heart. But now--tell about it--please.
+
+CAPT. G. There's nothing to tell. I was awf'ly old then--nearly two and
+twenty--and she was quite that.
+
+MRS. G. That means she was older than you. I shouldn't like her to have
+been younger. Well?
+
+CAPT. G. Well, I fancied myself in love and raved about a bit, and--oh,
+yes, by Jove! I made up poetry. Ha! Ha!
+
+MRS. G. You never wrote any for me! What happened?
+
+CAPT. G. I came out here, and the whole thing went phut. She wrote to
+say that there had been a mistake, and then she married.
+
+MRS. G. Did she care for you much?
+
+CAPT. G. No. At least she didn't show it as far as I remember.
+
+MRS. G. As far as you remember! Do you remember her name? (Hears it and
+bows her head.) Thank you, my husband.
+
+CAPT. G. Who but you had the right? Now, Little Featherweight, have you
+ever been mixed up in any dark and dismal tragedy?
+
+MRS. G. If you call me Mrs. Gadsby, p'raps I'll tell.
+
+CAPT. G. (Throwing Parade rasp into his voice.) Mrs. Gadsby, confess!
+
+MRS. G. Good Heavens, Phil! I never knew that you could speak in that
+terrible voice.
+
+CAPT. G. You don't know half my accomplishments yet. Wait till we are
+settled in the Plains, and I'll show you how I bark at my troop. You
+were going to say, darling?
+
+MRS. G. I--I don't like to, after that voice. (Tremulously.) Phil, never
+you dare to speak to me in that tone, whatever I may do!
+
+CAPT. G. My poor little love! Why, you're shaking all over. I am so
+sorry. Of course I never meant to upset you Don't tell me anything, I'm
+a brute.
+
+MRS. G. No, you aren't, and I will tell--There was a man.
+
+CAPT. G. (Lightly.) Was there? Lucky man!
+
+MRS. G. (In a whisper.) And I thought I cared for him.
+
+CAPT. G. Still luckier man! Well?
+
+MRS. G. And I thought I cared for him--and I didn't--and then you
+came--and I cared for you very, very much indeed. That's all. (Face
+hidden.) You aren't angry, are you?
+
+CAPT. G. Angry? Not in the least. (Aside.) Good Lord, what have I done
+to deserve this angel?
+
+MRS. G. (Aside.) And he never asked for the name! How funny men are! But
+perhaps it's as well.
+
+CAPT. G. That man will go to heaven because you once thought you cared
+for him. 'Wonder if you'll ever drag me up there?
+
+MRS. G. (Firmly.) 'Sha'n't go if you don't.
+
+CAPT. G. Thanks. I say, Pussy, I don't know much about your religious
+beliefs. You were brought up to believe in a heaven and all that,
+weren't you?
+
+MRS. G. Yes. But it was a pincushion heaven, with hymn-books in all the
+pews.
+
+CAPT. G. (Wagging his head with intense conviction.) Never mind. There
+is a pukka heaven.
+
+MRS. G. Where do you bring that message from, my prophet?
+
+CAPT. G. Here! Because we care for each other. So it's all right.
+
+Mrs. G. (As a troop of langurs crash through the branches.) So it's all
+right. But Darwin says that we came from those!
+
+CAPT. G. (Placidly.) Ah! Darwin was never in love with an angel. That
+settles it. Sstt, you brutes! Monkeys, indeed! You shouldn't read those
+books.
+
+MRS. G. (Folding her hands.) If it pleases my Lord the King to issue
+proclamation.
+
+CAPT. G. Don't, dear one. There are no orders between us. Only I'd
+rather you didn't. They lead to nothing, and bother people's heads.
+
+MRS. G. Like your first engagement.
+
+CAPT. G. (With an immense calm.) That was a necessary evil and led to
+you. Are you nothing?
+
+MRS. G. Not so very much, am I?
+
+CAPT. G. All this world and the next to me.
+
+MRS. G. (Very softly.) My boy of boys! Shall I tell you something?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes, if it's not dreadful--about other men.
+
+MRS. G. It's about my own bad little self.
+
+CAPT. G. Then it must be good. Go on, dear.
+
+MRS. G. (Slowly.) I don't know why I'm telling you, Pip; but if ever you
+marry again-(Interlude.) Take your hand from my mouth or I'll bite! In
+the future, then remember--I don't know quite how to put it!
+
+CAPT. G. (Snorting indignantly.) Don't try. "Marry again," indeed!
+
+MRS. G. I must. Listen, my husband. Never, never, never tell your wife
+anything that you do not wish her to remember and think over all her
+life. Because a woman--yes, I am a woman--can't forget.
+
+CAPT. G. By Jove, how do you know that?
+
+MRS. G. (Confusedly.) I don't. I'm only guessing. I am--I was--a silly
+little girl; but I feel that I know so much, oh, so very much more than
+you, dearest. To begin with, I'm your wife.
+
+CAPT. G. So I have been led to believe.
+
+MRS. G. And I shall want to know every one of your secrets--to share
+everything you know with you. (Stares round desperately.)
+
+CAPT. G. So you shall, dear, so you shall--but don't look like that.
+
+MRS. G. For your own sake don't stop me, Phil. I shall never talk to you
+in this way again. You must not tell me! At least, not now. Later on,
+when I'm an old matron it won't matter, but if you love me, be very good
+to me now; for this part of my life I shall never forget! Have I made
+you understand?
+
+CAPT. G. I think so, child. Have I said anything yet that you disapprove
+of?
+
+MRS. G. Will you be very angry? That--that voice, and what you said
+about the engagement--
+
+CAPT. G. But you asked to be told that, darling.
+
+MRS. G. And that's why you shouldn't have told me! You must be the
+Judge, and, oh, Pip, dearly as I love you, I shan't be able to help you!
+I shall hinder you, and you must judge in spite of me!
+
+CAPT. G. (Meditatively.) We have a great many things to find out
+together, God help us both--say so, Pussy--but we shall understand each
+other better every day; and I think I'm beginning to see now. How in the
+world did you come to know just the importance of giving me just that
+lead?
+
+MRS. G. I've told you that I don't know. Only somehow it seemed that, in
+all this new life, I was being guided for your sake as well as my own.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then Mafilin was right! They know, and we--we're blind
+all of us. (Lightly.) 'Getting a little beyond our depth, dear, aren't
+we? I'll remember, and, if I fail, let me be punished as I deserve.
+
+MRS. G. There shall be no punishment. We'll start into life together
+from here--you and I--and no one else.
+
+CAPT. G. And no one else. (A pause.) Your eyelashes are all wet, Sweet?
+Was there ever such a quaint little Absurdity?
+
+MRS. G. Was there ever such nonsense talked before?
+
+CAPT. G. (Knocking the ashes out of his pipe.) 'Tisn't what we say, it's
+what we don't say, that helps. And it's all the profoundest philosophy.
+But no one would understand--even if it were put into a book.
+
+MRS. G. The idea! No--only we ourselves, or people like ourselves--if
+there are any people like us.
+
+CAPT. G. (Magisterially.) All people, not like ourselves, are blind
+idiots.
+
+MRS. G. (Wiping her eyes.) Do you think, then, that there are any people
+as happy as we are?
+
+CAPT. G. 'Must be--unless we've appropriated all the happiness in the
+world.
+
+MRS. G. (Looking toward Simla.) Poor dears! Just fancy if we have!
+
+CAPT. G. Then we'll hang on to the whole show, for it's a great deal too
+jolly to lose--eh, wife o' mine?
+
+MRS. G. O Pip! Pip! How much of you is a solemn, married man and how
+much a horrid slangy schoolboy?
+
+CAPT. G. When you tell me how much of you was eighteen last birthday and
+how much is as old as the Sphinx and twice as mysterious, perhaps I'll
+attend to you. Lend me that banjo. The spirit moveth me to jowl at the
+sunset.
+
+MRS. G. Mind! It's not tuned. Ah! How that jars!
+
+CAPT G. (Turning pegs.) It's amazingly different to keep a banjo to
+proper pitch.
+
+MRS. G. It's the same with all musical instruments, What shall it be?
+
+CAPT. G. "Vanity," and let the hills hear. (Sings through the first and
+hal' of the second verse. Turning to MRS. G.) Now, chorus! Sing, Pussy!
+
+BOTH TOGETHER. (Con brio, to the horror of the monkeys who are settling
+for the night.)--
+
+  "Vanity, all is Vanity," said Wisdom, scorning me--
+  I clasped my true Love's tender hand and answered frank and free-ee
+  "If this be Vanity who'd be wise? If this be Vanity who'd be wise?
+  If this be Vanity who'd be wi-ise (Crescendo.) Vanity let it be!"
+
+MRS. G. (Defiantly to the grey of the evening sky.) "Vanity let it be!"
+
+ECHO. (Prom the Fagoo spur.) Let it be!
+
+
+
+
+FATIMA
+
+And you may go in every room of the house and see everything that is
+there, but into the Blue Room you must not go.--The Story of Blue Beard.
+
+SCENE.--The GADSBYS' bungalow in the Plains. Time, 11 A. M. on a
+Sunday morning. Captain GADSBY, in his shirt-sleeves, is bending over a
+complete set of Hussar's equipment, from saddle to picketing-rope, which
+is neatly spread over the floor of his study. He is smoking an unclean
+briar, and his forehead is puckered with thought.
+
+CAPT. G. (To himself, fingering a headstall.) Jack's an ass. There's
+enough brass on this to load a mule--and, if the Americans know anything
+about anything, it can be cut down to a bit only. 'Don't want the
+watering-bridle, either. Humbug!-Half a dozen sets of chains and pulleys
+for one horse! Rot! (Scratching his head.) Now, let's consider it all
+over from the be-ginning. By Jove, I've forgotten the scale of weights!
+Ne'er mind. 'Keep the bit only, and eliminate every boss from the
+crupper to breastplate. No breastplate at all. Simple leather strap
+across the breast-like the Russians. Hi! Jack never thought of that!
+
+MRS. G. (Entering hastily, her hand bound in a cloth.) Oh, Pip, I've
+scalded my hand over that horrid, horrid Tiparee jam!
+
+CAPT. G. (Absently.) Eb! Wha-at?
+
+MRS. G. (With round-eyed reproach.) I've scalded it aw-fully! Aren't you
+sorry? And I did so want that jam to jam properly.
+
+CAPT. G. Poor little woman! Let me kiss the place and make it well.
+(Unrolling bandage.) You small sinner! Where's that scald? I can't see
+it.
+
+MRS. G. On the top of the little finger. There!--It's a most 'normous big
+burn!
+
+CAPT. G. (Kissing little finger.) Baby! Let Hyder look after the jam.
+You know I don't care for sweets.
+
+MRS. G. In-deed?--Pip!
+
+CAPT. G. Not of that kind, anyhow. And now run along, Minnie, and leave
+me to my own base devices. I'm busy.
+
+MRS. G. (Calmly settling herself in long chair.) So I see. What a mess
+you're making! Why have you brought all that smelly leather stuff into
+the house?
+
+CAPT. G. To play with. Do you mind, dear?
+
+MRS. G. Let me play too. I'd like it.
+
+CAPT. G. I'm afraid you wouldn't. Pussy--Don't you think that jam will
+burn, or whatever it is that jam does when it's not looked after by a
+clever little housekeeper?
+
+MRS. G. I thought you said Hyder could attend to it. I left him in the
+veranda, stirring--when I hurt myself so.
+
+CAPT. G. (His eye returning to the equipment.) Po-oor little
+woman!--Three pounds four and seven is three eleven, and that can be cut
+down to two eight, with just a lee-tle care, without weakening anything.
+Farriery is all rot in incompetent hands. What's the use of a shoe-case
+when a man's scouting? He can't stick it on with a lick-like a
+stamp--the shoe! Skittles--
+
+MRS. G. What's skittles? Pah! What is this leather cleaned with?
+
+CAPT. G. Cream and champagne and--Look here, dear, do you really want to
+talk to me about anything important?
+
+MRS. G. No. I've done my accounts, and I thought I'd like to see what
+you're doing.
+
+CAPT. G. Well, love, now you've seen and--Would you mind?--That is to
+say--Minnie, I really am busy.
+
+MRS. G. You want me to go?
+
+CAPT. G, Yes, dear, for a little while. This tobacco will hang in your
+dress, and saddlery doesn't interest you.
+
+MRS. G. Everything you do interests me, Pip.
+
+CAPT. G. Yes, I know, I know, dear. I'll tell you all about it some day
+when I've put a head on this thing. In the meantime--
+
+MRS. G. I'm to be turned out of the room like a troublesome child?
+
+CAPT. G. No-o. I don't mean that exactly. But, you see, I shall be
+tramping up and down, shifting these things to and fro, and I shall be
+in your way. Don't you think so?
+
+MRS. G. Can't I lift them about? Let me try. (Reaches forward to
+trooper's saddle.)
+
+CAPT. G. Good gracious, child, don't touch it. You'll hurt yourself.
+(Picking up saddle.) Little girls aren't expected to handle numdahs.
+Now, where would you like it put? (Holds saddle above his head.)
+
+MRS. G. (A break in her voice.) Nowhere. Pip, how good you are--and how
+strong! Oh, what's that ugly red streak inside your arm?
+
+CAPT. G. (Lowering saddle quickly.) Nothing. It's a mark of sorts.
+(Aside.) And Jack's coming to tiffin with his notions all cut and dried!
+
+MRS. G. I know it's a mark, but I've never seen it before. It runs all
+up the arm. What is it?
+
+CAPT. G. A cut--if you want to know.
+
+MRS. G. Want to know! Of course I do! I can't have my husband cut to
+pieces in this way. How did it come? Was it an accident? Tell me, Pip.
+
+CAPT. G. (Grimly.) No. 'Twasn't an accident. I got it--from a man--in
+Afghanistan.
+
+MRS. G. In action? Oh, Pip, and you never told me!
+
+CAPT. G. I'd forgotten all about it.
+
+MRS. G. Hold up your arm! What a horrid, ugly scar! Are you sure it
+doesn't hurt now! How did the man give it you?
+
+CAPT. G. (Desperately looking at his watch.) With a knife. I came
+down--old Van Loo did, that's to say--and fell on my leg, so I couldn't
+run. And then this man came up and began chopping at me as I sprawled.
+
+MRS. G. Oh, don't, don't! That's enough!--Well, what happened?
+
+CAPT. G. I couldn't get to my holster, and Mafflin came round the corner
+and stopped the performance.
+
+MRS. G. How? He's such a lazy man, I don't believe he did.
+
+CAPT. G. Don't you? I don't think the man had much doubt about it. Jack
+cut his head off.
+
+MRS. G. Cut-his-head-off! "With one blow," as they say in the books?
+
+CAPT. G. I'm not sure. I was too interested in myself to know much about
+it. Anyhow, the head was off, and Jack was punching old Van Loo in the
+ribs to make him get up. Now you know all about it, dear, and now--
+
+MRS. G. You want me to go, of course. You never told me about this,
+though I've been married to you for ever so long; and you never would
+have told me if I hadn't found out; and you never do tell me anything
+about yourself, or what you do, or what you take an interest in.
+
+CAPT. G. Darling, I'm always with you, aren't I?
+
+MRS. G. Always in my pocket, you were going to say. I know you are; but
+you are always thinking away from me.
+
+CAPT. G. (Trying to hide a smile.) Am I? I wasn't aware of it. I'm
+awf'ly sorry.
+
+MRS. G. (Piteously.) Oh, don't make fun of me! Pip, you know what I
+mean. When you are reading one of those things about Cavalry, by that
+idiotic Prince--why doesn't he be a Prince instead of a stable-boy?
+
+CAPT. G. Prince Kraft a stable-boy--Oh, my Aunt! Never mind, dear. You
+were going to say?
+
+MRS. G. It doesn't matter; you don't care for what I say. Only--only
+you get up and walk about the room, staring in front of you, and then
+Mafflin comes in to dinner, and after I'm in the drawing-room I can hear
+you and him talking, and talking, and talking, about things I can't
+understand, and--oh, I get so tired and feel so lonely!--I don't want to
+complain and be a trouble, Pip; but I do indeed I do!
+
+CAPT. G. My poor darling! I never thought of that. Why don't you ask
+some nice people in to dinner?
+
+MRS. G. Nice people! Where am I to find them? Horrid frumps! And if I
+did, I shouldn't be amused. You know I only want you.
+
+CAPT, G. And you have me surely, Sweetheart?
+
+MRS. G. I have not! Pip why don't you take me into your life?
+
+CAPT. G. More than I do? That would be difficult, dear.
+
+MRS. G. Yes, I suppose it would--to you. I'm no help to you--no
+companion to you; and you like to have it so.
+
+CAPT. G. Aren't you a little unreasonable, Pussy?
+
+MRS. G. (Stamping her foot.) I'm the most reasonable woman in the
+world--when I'm treated properly.
+
+CAPT. G. And since when have I been treating you improperly?
+
+MRS. G. Always--and since the beginning. You know you have.
+
+CAPT. G. I don't; but I'm willing to be convinced.
+
+MRS. G. (Pointing to saddlery.) There!
+
+CAPT. G. How do you mean?
+
+MRS. G. What does all that mean? Why am I not to be told? Is it so
+precious?
+
+CAPT. G. I forget its exact Government value just at present. It means
+that it is a great deal too heavy.
+
+MRS. G. Then why do you touch it?
+
+CAPT. G. To make it lighter. See here, little love, I've one notion
+and Jack has another, but we are both agreed that all this equipment is
+about thirty pounds too heavy. The thing is how to cut it down without
+weakening any part of it, and, at the same time, allowing the trooper
+to carry everything he wants for his own comfort-socks and shirts and
+things of that kind.
+
+MRS. G. Why doesn't he pack them in a little trunk?
+
+CAPT. G. (Kissing her.) Oh, you darling! Pack them in a little trunk,
+indeed! Hussars don't carry trunks, and it's a most important thing to
+make the horse do all the carrying.
+
+MRS. G. But why need you bother about it? You're not a trooper.
+
+CAPT. G. No; but I command a few score of him; and equipment is nearly
+everything in these days.
+
+MRS. G. More than me?
+
+CAPT. G. Stupid! Of course not; but it's a matter that I'm tremendously
+interested in, because if I or Jack, or I and Jack, work out some sort
+of lighter saddlery and all that, it's possible that we may get it
+adopted.
+
+MRS. G. How?
+
+CAPT. G. Sanctioned at Home, where they will make a sealed pattern--a
+pattern that all the saddlers must copy--and so it will be used by all
+the regiments.
+
+MRS. G. And that interests you?
+
+CAPT. G. It's part of my profession, y'know, and my profession is a good
+deal to me. Everything in a soldier's equipment is important, and if we
+can improve that equipment, so much the better for the soldiers and for
+us.
+
+MRS. G. Who's "us"?
+
+CAPT. G. Jack and I; only Jack's notions are too radical. What's that
+big sigh for, Minnie?
+
+MRS. G. Oh, nothing--and you've kept all this a secret from me! Why?
+
+CAPT. G. Not a secret, exactly, dear. I didn't say anything about it to
+you because I didn't think it would amuse you.
+
+MRS. G. And am I only made to be amused?
+
+CAPT. G. No, of course. I merely mean that it couldn't interest you.
+
+MRS. G. It's your work and--and if you'd let me, I'd count all these
+things up. If they are too heavy, you know by how much they are too
+heavy, and you must have a list of things made out to your scale of
+lightness, and--
+
+CAPT. G. I have got both scales somewhere in my head; but it's hard to
+tell how light you can make a head-stall, for instance, until you've
+actually had a model made.
+
+MRS. G. But if you read out the list, I could copy it down, and pin it
+up there just above your table. Wouldn't that do?
+
+CAPT. G. It would be awf'ly nice, dear, but it would be giving you
+trouble for nothing. I can't work that way. I go by rule of thumb. I
+know the present scale of weights, and the other one--the one that
+I'm trying to work to--will shift and vary so much that I couldn't be
+certain, even if I wrote it down.
+
+MRS. G. I'm so sorry. I thought I might help. Is there anything else
+that I could be of use in?
+
+CAPT. G. (Looking round the room.) I can't think of anything. You're
+always helping me you know.
+
+MRS. G. Am I? How?
+
+CAPT. G. You are of course, and as long as you're near me--I can't
+explain exactly, but it's in the air.
+
+MRS. G. And that's why you wanted to send me away?
+
+CAPT. G. That's only when I'm trying to do work--grubby work like this.
+
+MRS. G. Mafflin's better, then, isn't he?
+
+CAPT. G. (Rashly.) Of course he is. Jack and I have been thinking along
+the same groove for two or three years about this equipment. It's our
+hobby, and it may really be useful some day.
+
+MRS. G. (After a pause.) And that's all that you have away from me?
+
+CAPT. G. It isn't very far away from you now. Take care the oil on that
+bit doesn't come off on your dress.
+
+MRS. G. I wish--I wish so much that I could really help you. I believe I
+could--if I left the room. But that's not what I mean.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Give me patience! I wish she would go. (Aloud.) I
+as-sure you you can't do anything for me, Minnie, and I must really
+settle down to this. Where's my pouch?
+
+MRS. G. (Crossing to writing-table.) Here you are, Bear. What a mess you
+keep your table in!
+
+CAPT. G. Don't touch it. There's a method in my madness, though you
+mightn't think of it.
+
+MRS. G. (At table.) I want to look--Do you keep accounts, Pip?
+
+CAPT. G. (Bending over saddlery.) Of a sort. Are you rummaging among the
+Troop papers? Be careful.
+
+MRs. G. Why? I sha'n't disturb anything. Good gracious! I had no idea
+that you had anything to do with so many sick horses.
+
+CAPT. G. 'Wish I hadn't, but they insist on falling sick. Minnie, if
+I were you I really should not investigate those papers. You may come
+across something that you won't like.
+
+MRS. G. Why will you always treat me like a child? I know I'm not
+displacing the horrid things.
+
+CAPT. G. (Resignedly.) Very well, then. Don't blame me if anything
+happens. Play with the table and let me go on with the saddlery.
+(Slipping hand into trousers-pocket.) Oh, the deuce!
+
+MRS. G. (Her back to G.) What's that for?
+
+CAPT. G. Nothing. (Aside.) There's not much in it, but I wish I'd torn
+it up.
+
+MRS. G. (Turning over contents of table.) I know you'll hate me for
+this; but I do want to see what your work is like. (A pause.) Pip, what
+are "farcybuds"?
+
+CAPT. G. Hab! Would you really like to know? They aren't pretty things.
+
+MRS. G. This Journal of Veterinary Science says they are of "absorbing
+interest." Tell me.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) It may turn her attention.
+
+Gives a long and designedly loathsome account of glanders and farcy.
+
+MRS. G. Oh, that's enough. Don't go on!
+
+CAPT. G. But you wanted to know--Then these things suppurate and
+matterate and spread--
+
+MRS. G. Pin, you're making me sick! You're a horrid, disgusting
+schoolboy.
+
+CAPT. G. (On his knees among the bridles.) You asked to be told. It's
+not my fault if you worry me into talking about horrors.
+
+MRS. G. Why didn't you say--No?
+
+CAPT. G. Good Heavens, child! Have you come in here simply to bully me?
+
+MRS. G. I bully you? How could I! You're so strong. (Hysterically.)
+Strong enough to pick me up and put me outside the door and leave me
+there to cry. Aren't you?
+
+CAPT. G. It seems to me that you're an irrational little baby. Are you
+quite well?
+
+MRS. G. Do I look ill? (Returning to table). Who is your lady friend
+with the big grey envelope and the fat monogram outside?
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Then it wasn't locked up, confound it. (Aloud.)
+"God made her, therefore let her pass for a woman." You remember what
+farcybuds are like?
+
+MRS. G. (Showing envelope.) This has nothing to do with them. I'm going
+to open it. May I?
+
+CAPT. G. Certainly, if you want to. I'd sooner you didn't though. I
+don't ask to look at your letters to the Deer-court girl.
+
+MRS. G. You'd better not, Sir! (Takes letter from envelope.) Now, may I
+look? If you say no, I shall cry.
+
+CAPT. G. You've never cried in my knowledge of you, and I don't believe
+you could.
+
+MRS. G. I feel very like it to-day, Pip. Don't be hard on me. (Reads
+letter.) It begins in the middle, without any "Dear Captain Gadsby," or
+anything. How funny!
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) No, it's not Dear Captain Gadsby, or anything, now.
+How funny!
+
+MRS. G. What a strange letter! (Reads.) "And so the moth has come
+too near the candle at last, and has been singed into--shall I say
+Respectability? I congratulate him, and hope he will be as happy as he
+deserves to be." What does that mean? Is she congratulating you about
+our marriage?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes, I suppose so.
+
+MRS. G. (Still reading letter.) She seems to be a particular friend of
+yours.
+
+CAPT. G. Yes. She was an excellent matron of sorts--a Mrs.
+Herriott--wife of a Colonel Herriott. I used to know some of her people
+at Home long ago--before I came out.
+
+MRS. G. Some Colonel's wives are young--as young as me. I knew one who
+was younger.
+
+CAPT. G. Then it couldn't have been Mrs. Herriott. She was old enough to
+have been your mother, dear.
+
+MRS. G. I remember now. Mrs. Scargill was talking about her at the
+Dutfins' tennis, before you came for me, on Tuesday. Captain Mafflin
+said she was a "dear old woman." Do you know, I think Mafilin is a very
+clumsy man with his feet.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) Good old Jack! (Aloud.) Why, dear?
+
+MRS. G. He had put his cup down on the ground then, and he literally
+stepped into it. Some of the tea spirted over my dress--the grey one. I
+meant to tell you about it before.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) There are the makings of a strategist about Jack
+though his methods are coarse. (Aloud.) You'd better get a new dress,
+then. (Aside.) Let us pray that that will turn her.
+
+MRS. G. Oh, it isn't stained in the least. I only thought that I'd tell
+you. (Returning to letter.) What an extraordinary person! (Reads.)
+"But need I remind you that you have taken upon yourself a charge of
+wardship"--what in the world is a charge of wardship?--"which as you
+yourself know, may end in Consequences"--
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) It's safest to let em see everything as they come
+across it; but 'seems to me that there are exceptions to the rule.
+(Aloud.) I told you that there was nothing to be gained from rearranging
+my table.
+
+MRS. G. (Absently.) What does the woman mean? She goes on talking about
+Consequences--"almost inevitable Consequences" with a capital C-- for
+half a page. (Flushing scarlet.) Oh, good gracious! How abominable!
+
+CAPT. G. (Promptly.) Do you think so? Doesn't it show a sort of motherly
+interest in us? (Aside.) Thank Heaven. Harry always wrapped her meaning
+up safely! (Aloud.) Is it absolutely necessary to go on with the letter,
+darling?
+
+MRS. G. It's impertinent--it's simply horrid. What right has this woman
+to write in this way to you? She oughtn't to.
+
+CAPT. G. When you write to the Deercourt girl, I notice that you
+generally fill three or four sheets. Can't you let an old woman babble
+on paper once in a way? She means well.
+
+MRS. G. I don't care. She shouldn't write, and if she did, you ought to
+have shown me her letter.
+
+CAPT. G. Can't you understand why I kept it to myself, or must I explain
+at length--as I explained the farcybuds?
+
+MRS. G. (Furiously.) Pip I hate you! This is as bad as those idiotic
+saddle-bags on the floor. Never mind whether it would please me or not,
+you ought to have given it to me to read.
+
+CAPT. G. It comes to the same thing. You took it yourself.
+
+MRS. G. Yes, but if I hadn't taken it, you wouldn't have said a word.
+I think this Harriet Herriott--it's like a name in a book--is an
+interfering old Thing.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) So long as you thoroughly understand that she is old,
+I don't much care what you think. (Aloud.) Very good, dear. Would you
+like to write and tell her so? She's seven thousand miles away.
+
+MRS. G. I don't want to have anything to do with her, but you ought to
+have told me. (Turning to last page of letter.) And she patronizes me,
+too. I've never seen her! (Reads.) "I do not know how the world stands
+with you; in all human probability I shall never know; but whatever I
+may have said before, I pray for her sake more than for yours that all
+may be well. I have learned what misery means, and I dare not wish that
+any one dear to you should share my knowledge."
+
+CAPT. G. Good God! Can't you leave that letter alone, or, at least,
+can't you refrain from reading it aloud? I've been through it once. Put
+it back on 'he desk. Do you hear me?
+
+MRS. G. (Irresolutely.) I sh-sha'n't! (Looks at G.'s eyes.) Oh, Pip,
+please! I didn't mean to make you angry--'Deed, I didn't. Pip, I'm so
+sorry. I know I've wasted your time--CAPT. G. (Grimly.) You have. Now,
+will you be good enough to go--if there is nothing more in my room that
+you are anxious to pry into?
+
+MRS. G. (Putting out her hands.) Oh, Pip, don't look at me like that!
+I've never seen you look like that before and it hu-urts me! I'm sorry.
+I oughtn't to have been here at all, and--and--and--(sobbing.) Oh, be
+good to me! Be good to me! There's only you--anywhere! Breaks down in
+long chair, hiding face in cushions.
+
+CAPT. G. (Aside.) She doesn't know how she flicked me on the raw.
+(Aloud, bending over chair.) I didn't mean to be harsh, dear--I didn't
+really. You can stay here as long as you please, and do what you please.
+Don't cry like that. You'll make yourself sick. (Aside.) What on earth
+has come over her? (Aloud.) Darling, what's the matter with you?
+
+Mrs. G. (Her face still hidden.) Let me go--let me go to my own room.
+Only--only say you aren't angry with me.
+
+CAPT. G. Angry with you, love! Of course not. I was angry with myself.
+I'd lost my temper over the saddlery--Don't hide your face, Pussy. I
+want to kiss it.
+
+Bends lower, MRS. G. slides right arm round his neck. Several interludes
+and much sobbing.
+
+MRS. G. (In a whisper.) I didn't mean about the jam when I came in to
+tell you--
+
+CAPT'. G. Bother the jam and the equipment! (Interlude.)
+
+MRS. G. (Still more faintly.) My finger wasn't scalded at all.
+I--wanted to speak to you about--about--something else, and--I didn't
+know how.
+
+CAPT. G. Speak away, then. (Looking into her eyes.) Eb! Wha-at? Minnie!
+Here, don't go away! You don't mean?
+
+MRS. G. (Hysterically, backing to portiere and hiding her face in
+its fold's.) The--the Almost Inevitable Consequences! (Flits through
+portiere as G. attempts to catch her, and bolts her self in her own
+room.)
+
+CAPT. G. (His arms full of portiere.) Oh! (Sitting down heavily in
+chair.) I'm a brute--a pig--a bully, and a blackguard. My poor, poor
+little darling! "Made to be amused only?"--
+
+
+
+
+THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW Knowing Good and Evil.
+
+SCENE.--The GADSBYS' bungalow in the Plains, in June. Punkah--coolies
+asleep in veranda where Captain GADSBY is walking up and down. DOCTOR'S
+trap in porch. JUNIOR CHAPLAIN drifting generally and uneasily through
+the house. Time, 3:40 A. M. Heat 94 degrees in veranda.
+
+DOCTOR. (Coming into veranda and touching G. on the shoulder.) You had
+better go in and see her now.
+
+CAPT. G. (The color of good cigar-ash.) Eb, wha-at? Oh, yes, of course.
+What did you say?
+
+DOCTOR. (Syllable by syllable.) Go--in--to--the--room--and--see--her.
+She wants to speak to you. (Aside, testily.) I shall have him on my
+hands next.
+
+JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (In half-lighted dining room.) Isn't there any?--
+
+DOCTOR. (Savagely.) Hsh, you little fool!
+
+JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. Let me do my work. Gadsby, stop a minute! (Edges after
+G.)
+
+DOCTOR. Wait till she sends for you at least--at least. Man alive, he'll
+kill you if you go in there! What are you bothering him for?
+
+JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Coming into veranda.) I've given him a stiff
+brandy-peg. He wants it. You've forgotten him for the last ten hours
+and--forgotten yourself too.
+
+CAPT. G. enters bedroom, which is lit by one night-lamp. Ayak on the
+floor pretending to be asleep.
+
+VOICE. (From the bed.) All down the street--such bonfires! Ayah, go and
+put them out! (Appealingly.) How can I sleep with an installation of the
+C.I.E. in my room? No--not C.I.E. Something else. What was it?
+
+CAPT. G. (Trying to control his voice.) Minnie, I'm here. (Bending over
+bed.) Don't you know me, Minnie? It's me--it's Phil--it's your husband.
+
+VOICE. (Mechanically.) It's me--it's Phil--it's your husband.
+
+CAPT. G. She doesn't know mel--It's your own husband, darling.
+
+VOICE. Your own husband, darling. AYAH. (With an inspiration.) Memsahib
+understanding all I saying.
+
+CAPT. G. Make her understand me then--quick!
+
+AYAH. (Hand on MRS. G.'s forehead.) Memsahib! Captain Sahib here.
+
+VOICE. Salaem do. (Fretfully.) I know I'm not fit to be seen.
+
+AYAH. (Aside to G.) Say "marneen" same as breakfash.
+
+CAPT. G. Good-morning, little woman. How are we to-day?
+
+VOICE. That's Phil. Poor old Phil. (Viciously.) Phil, you fool, I can't
+see you. Come nearer.
+
+CAPT. G. Minnie! Minnie! It's me--you know me?
+
+VOICE. (Mockingly.) Of course I do. Who does not know the man who was so
+cruel to his wife--almost the only one he ever had?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes, dear. Yes--of course, of course. But won't you speak to
+him? He wants to speak to you so much.
+
+VOICE. They'd never let him in. The Doctor would give darwaza bund even
+if he were in the house. He'll never come. (Despairingly.) O Judas!
+Judas! Judas!
+
+CAPT. G. (Putting out his arms.) They have let him in, and he always was
+in the house Oh, my love--don't you know me?
+
+VOICE. (In a half chant.) "And it came to pass at the eleventh hour
+that this poor soul repented." It knocked at the gates, but they were
+shut--tight as a plaster--a great, burning plaster They had pasted our
+marriage certificate all across the door, and it was made of red-hot
+iron--people really ought to be more careful, you know.
+
+CAPT. G. What am I to do? (Taking her in his arms.) Minnie! speak to
+me--to Phil.
+
+VOICE. What shall I say? Oh, tell me what to say before it's too late!
+They are all going away and I can't say anything.
+
+CAPT. G. Say you know me! Only say you know me!
+
+DOCTOR. (Who has entered quietly.) For pity's sake don't take it too
+much to heart, Gadsby. It's this way sometimes. They won't recognize.
+They say all sorts of queer things--don't you see?
+
+CAPT. G. All right! All right! Go away now; she'll recognize me; you're
+bothering her. She must--mustn't she?
+
+DOCTOR. She will before--Have I your leave to try?--
+
+CAPT. G. Anything you please, so long as she'll know me. It's only a
+question of--hours, isn't it?
+
+DOCTOR. (Professionally.) While there's life there's hope y'know. But
+don't build on it.
+
+CAPT. G. I don't. Pull her together if it's possible. (Aside.) What have
+I done to deserve this?
+
+DOCTOR. (Bending over bed.) Now, Mrs. Gadsby! We shall be all right
+tomorrow. You must take it, or I sha'n't let Phil see you. It isn't
+nasty, is it?
+
+Voice. Medicines! Always more medicines! Can't you leave me alone?
+
+CAPT. G. Oh, leave her in peace, Doc!
+
+DOCTOR. (Stepping back,--aside.) May I be forgiven if I've none wrong.
+(Aloud.) In a few minutes she ought to be sensible; but I daren't tell
+you to look for anything. It's only--
+
+CAPT. G. What? Go on, man.
+
+DOCTOR. (In a whisper.) Forcing the last rally.
+
+CAPT. G. Then leave us alone.
+
+DOCTOR. Don't mind what she says at first, if you can. They--they-they
+turn against those they love most sometimes in this.--It's hard, but--
+
+CAPT. G. Am I her husband or are you? Leave us alone for what time we
+have together.
+
+VOICE. (Confidentially.) And we were engaged quite suddenly, Emma. I
+assure you that I never thought of it for a moment; but, oh, my little
+Me!--I don't know what I should have done if he hadn't proposed.
+
+CAPT. G. She thinks of that Deercourt girl before she thinks of me.
+(Aloud.) Minnie!
+
+VOICE. Not from the shops, Mummy dear. You can get the real leaves from
+Kaintu, and (laughing weakly) never mind about the blossoms--Dead white
+silk is only fit for widows, and I won't wear it. It's as bad as a
+winding sheet. (A long pause.)
+
+CAPT. G. I never asked a favor yet. If there is anybody to listen to me,
+let her know me--even if I die too!
+
+VOICE. (Very faintly.) Pip, Pip dear.
+
+CAPT. G. I'm here, darling.
+
+VOICE. What has happened? They've been bothering me so with medicines
+and things, and they wouldn't let you come and see me. I was never ill
+before. Am I ill now?
+
+CAPT. G. You--you aren't quite well.
+
+VOICE. How funny! Have I been ill long?
+
+CAPT. G. Some day; but you'll be all right in a little time.
+
+VOICE. Do you think so, Pip? I don't feel well and--Oh! what have they
+done to my hair?
+
+CAPT. G. I d-d-on't know.
+
+VOICE. They've cut it off. What a shame!
+
+CAPT. G. It must have been to make your head cooler.
+
+VOICE. Just like a boy's wig. Don't I look horrid?
+
+CAPT. G. Never looked prettier in your life, dear. (Aside.) How am I to
+ask her to say good-bye?
+
+VOICE. I don't feel pretty. I feel very ill. My heart won't work.
+It's nearly dead inside me, and there's a funny feeling in my eyes.
+Everything seems the same distance--you and the almirah and the table
+inside my eyes or miles away. What does it mean, Pip?
+
+CAPT. G. You're a little feverish, Sweetheart--very feverish. (Breaking
+down.) My love! my love! How can I let you go?
+
+VOICE. I thought so. Why didn't you tell me that at first?
+
+CAPT. G. What?
+
+VOICE. That I am going to--die.
+
+CAPT. G. But you aren't! You sha'n't.
+
+AYAH to punkah-coolie. (Stepping into veranda after a glance at the bed.
+). Punkah chor do! (Stop pulling the punkah.)
+
+VOICE. It's hard, Pip. So very, very hard after one year--just one year.
+
+(Wailing.) And I'm only twenty. Most girls aren't even married at
+twenty. Can't they do anything to help me? I don't want to die.
+
+CAPT. G. Hush, dear. You won't.
+
+VOICE. What's the use of talking? Help me! You've never failed me yet.
+Oh, Phil, help me to keep alive. (Feverishly.) I don't believe you wish
+me to live. You weren't a bit sorry when that horrid Baby thing died. I
+wish I'd killed it!
+
+CAPT. G. (Drawing his hand across his forehead.) It's more than a man's
+meant to bear--it's not right. (Aloud.) Minnie, love, I'd die for you if
+it would help.
+
+VOICE. No more death. There's enough already. Pip, don't you die too.
+
+CAPT. G. I wish I dared.
+
+VOICE. It says: "Till Death do us part." Nothing after that--and so it
+would be no use. It stops at the dying. Why does it stop there? Only
+such a very short life, too. Pip, I'm sorry we married.
+
+CAPT. G. No! Anything but that, Mm!
+
+VOICE. Because you'll forget and I'll forget. Oh, Pip, don't forget! I
+always loved you, though I was cross sometimes. If I ever did anything
+that you didn't like, say you forgive me now.
+
+CAPT. G. You never did, darling. On my soul and honor you never did. I
+haven't a thing to forgive you.
+
+VOICE. I sulked for a whole week about those petunias. (With a laugh.)
+What a little wretch I was, and how grieved you were! Forgive me that,
+Pp.
+
+CAPT. G. There's nothing to forgive. It was my fault. They were too near
+the drive. For God's sake don't talk so, Minnie! There's such a lot to
+say and so little time to say it in.
+
+VOICE. Say that you'll always love me--until the end.
+
+CAPT. G. Until the end. (Carried away.) It's a lie. It must be, because
+we've loved each other. This isn't the end.
+
+VOICE. (Relapsing into semi-delirium.) My Church-service has an
+ivory-cross on the back, and it says so, so it must be true. "Till Death
+do us part."--but that's a lie. (With a parody of G.'s manner.) A damned
+lie! (Recklessly.) Yes, I can swear as well as a Trooper, Pip. I can't
+make my head think, though. That's because they cut off my hair. How can
+one think with one's head all fuzzy? (Pleadingly.) Hold me, Pip! Keep me
+with you always and always. (Relapsing.) But if you marry the Thorniss
+girl when I'm dead, I'll come back and howl under our bedroom window all
+night. Oh, bother! You'll think I'm a jackall. Pip, what time is it?
+
+CAPT. G. A little before the dawn, dear.
+
+VOICE. I wonder where I shall be this time to-morrow?
+
+CAPT. G. Would you like to see the Padre?
+
+VOICE. Why should I? He'd tell me that I am going to heaven; and that
+wouldn't be true, because you are here. Do you recollect when he upset
+the cream-ice all over his trousers at the Gassers' tennis?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes, dear.
+
+VOICE. I often wondered whether he got another pair of trousers; but
+then his are so shiny all over that you really couldn't tell unless you
+were told. Let's call him in and ask.
+
+CAPT. G. (Gravely.) No. I don't think he'd like that. 'Your head comfy,
+Sweetheart?'
+
+VOICE. (Faintly with a sigh of contentment.) Yeth! Gracious, Pip, when
+did you shave last? Your chin's worse than the barrel of a musical
+box.--No, don't lift it up. I like it. (A pause.) You said you've never
+cried at all. You're crying all over my cheek.
+
+CAPT. G. I--I--I can't help it, dear.
+
+VOICE. How funny! I couldn't cry now to save my life. (G. shivers.) I
+want to sing.
+
+CAPT. G. Won't it tire you? 'Better not, perhaps.
+
+VOICE. Why? I won't be bothered about. (Begins in a hoarse quaver)
+
+"Minnie bakes oaten cake, Minnie brews ale, All because her Johnnie's
+coming home from the sea. (That's parade, Pip.) And she grows red as a
+rose, who was so pale; And 'Are you sure the church--clock goes?' says
+she."
+
+(Pettishly.) I knew I couldn't take the last note. How do the bass
+chords run? (Puts out her hands and begins playing piano on the sheet.)
+
+CAPT. G. (Catching up hands.) Ahh! Don't do that, Pussy, if you love me.
+
+VOICE. Love you? Of course I do. Who else should it be? (A pause.)
+
+VOICE. (Very clearly.) Pip, I'm going now. Something's choking me
+cruelly. (Indistinctly.) Into the dark--without you, my heart--But it's
+a lie, dear--we mustn't believe it.--Forever and ever, living or dead.
+Don't let me go, my husband--hold me tight.--They can't--whatever
+happens. (A cough.) Pip--my Pip! Not for always--and--so--soon! (Voice
+ceases.)
+
+Pause of ten minutes. G. buries his face in the side of the bed while
+AYAH bends over bed from opposite side and feels MRS. G.'s breast and
+forehead.
+
+CAPT. G. (Rising.) Doctor Sahib ko salaam do.
+
+AYAH. (Still by bedside, with a shriek.) Ail Ail Tuta-phuta! My
+Memsahib! Not getting--not have got!--Pusseena agyal (The sweat has
+come.) (Fiercely to G.) TUM jao Doctor Sahib ko jaldi! (You go to the
+doctor.) Oh, my Memsahib!
+
+DOCTOR. (Entering hastily.) Come away, Gadsby. (Bends over bed.) Eb! The
+Dev--What inspired you to stop the punkab? Get out, man--go away--wait
+outside! Go! Here, Ayah! (Over his shoulder to G.) Mind I promise
+nothing.
+
+The dawn breaks as G. stumbles into the garden.
+
+CAPT. M. (Rehung up at the gate on his way to parade and very soberly.)
+Old man, how goes?
+
+CAPT. G. (Dazed.) I don't quite know. Stay a bit. Have a drink or
+something. Don't run away. You're just getting amusing. Ha! ha!
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) What am I let in for? Gaddy has aged ten years in the
+night.
+
+CAPT. G. (Slowly, fingering charger's headstall.) Your curb's too loose.
+
+CAPT. M. So it is. Put it straight, will you? (Aside.) I shall be late
+for parade. Poor Gaddy.
+
+CAPT. G. links and unlinks curb-chain aimlessly, and finally stands
+staring toward the veranda. The day brightens.
+
+DOCTOR. (Knocked out of professional gravity, tramping across
+flower-beds and shaking G's hands.) It'--it's--it's!--Gadsby, there's
+a fair chance--a dashed fair chance. The flicker, y'know. The sweat,
+y'know I saw how it would be. The punkab, y'know. Deuced clever woman
+that Ayah of yours. Stopped the punkab just at the right time. A dashed
+good chance! No--you don't go in. We'll pull her through yet I promise
+on my reputation--under Providence. Send a man with this note to Bingle.
+Two heads better than one. 'Specially the Ayah! We'll pull her round.
+(Retreats hastily to house.)
+
+CAPT. G. (His head on neck of M.'s charger.) Jack! I bub--bu--believe,
+I'm going to make a bu-bub-bloody exhibit of byself.
+
+CAPT. M. (Sniffing openly and feeling in his left cuff.) I b-b-believe,
+I'b doing it already. Old bad, what cad I say? I'b as pleased as--Cod
+dab you, Gaddy! You're one big idiot and I'b adother. (Pulling himself
+together.) Sit tight! Here comes the Devil-dodger.
+
+JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Who is not in the Doctor's confidence.) We--we are
+only men in these things, Gadsby. I know that I can say nothing now to
+help.
+
+CAPT. M. (jealously.) Then don't say it Leave him alone. It's not bad
+enough to croak over. Here, Gaddy, take the chit to Bingle and ride
+hell-for-leather. It'll do you good. I can't go.
+
+JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. Do him good! (Smiling.) Give me the chit and I'll
+drive. Let him lie down. Your horse is blocking my cart--please!
+
+CAPT. M. (Slowly without reining back.) I beg your pardon--I'll
+apologize. On paper if you like.
+
+JUNIOR CHAPLAIN. (Flicking M.'s charger.) That'll do, thanks. Turn in,
+Gadsby, and I'll bring Bingle back--ahem--"hell-for-leather."
+
+CAPT. M. (Solus.) It would have served me right if he'd cut me across
+the face. He can drive too. I shouldn't care to go that pace in a bamboo
+cart. What a faith he must have in his Maker--of harness! Come hup, you
+brute! (Gallops off to parade, blowing his nose, as the sun rises.)
+
+(INTERVAL OF' FIVE WEEKS.)
+
+MRS. G. (Very white and pinched, in morning wrapper at break fast
+table.) How big and strange the room looks, and how glad I am to see it
+again! What dust, though! I must talk to the servants. Sugar, Pip? I've
+almost forgotten. (Seriously.) Wasn't I very ill?
+
+CAPT. G. Iller than I liked. (Tenderly.) Oh, you bad little Pussy, what
+a start you gave me.
+
+MRS. G. I'll never do it again.
+
+CAPT. G. You'd better not. And now get those poor pale cheeks pink
+again, or I shall be angry. Don't try to lift the urn. You'll upset it.
+Wait. (Comes round to head of table and lifts urn.)
+
+MRS. G. (Quickly.) Khitmatgar, howarchikhana see kettly lao. Butler, get
+a kettle from the cook-house. (Drawing down G.'s face to her own.) Pip
+dear, I remember.
+
+CAPT. G. What?
+
+MRS. G. That last terrible night.
+
+CAPT'. G. Then just you forget all about it.
+
+MRS. G. (Softly, her eyes filling.) Never. It has brought us very close
+together, my husband. There! (Interlude.) I'm going to give Junda a
+saree.
+
+CAPT. G. I gave her fifty dibs.
+
+MRS. G. So she told me. It was a 'normous reward. Was I worth it?
+(Several interludes.) Don't! Here's the khitmatgar.--Two lumps or one
+Sir?
+
+
+
+
+THE SWELLING OF JORDAN
+
+If thou hast run with the footmen and they have wearied thee, then how
+canst thou contend with horses? And if in the land of peace wherein thou
+trustedst they wearied thee, then how wilt thou do in the swelling of
+Jordan?
+
+SCENE.--The GADSBYS' bungalow in the Plains, on a January morning. MRS.
+G. arguing with bearer in back veranda.
+
+CAPT. M. rides up.
+
+CAPT. M. 'Mornin', Mrs. Gadsby. How's the Infant Phenomenon and the
+Proud Proprietor?
+
+MRS. G. You'll find them in the front veranda; go through the house. I'm
+Martha just now.
+
+CAPT. M, 'Cumbered about with cares of Khitmatgars? I fly.
+
+Passes into front veranda, where GADSBY is watching GADSBY JUNIOR, aged
+ten months, crawling about the matting.
+
+CAPT. M. What's the trouble, Gaddy--spoiling an honest man's Europe
+morning this way? (Seeing G. JUNIOR.) By Jove, that yearling's comm' on
+amazingly! Any amount of bone below the knee there.
+
+CAPT. G. Yes, he's a healthy little scoundrel. Don't you think his
+hair's growing?
+
+CAPT. M. Let's have a look. Hi! Hst Come here, General Luck, and we'll
+report on you.
+
+MRS. G. (Within.) What absurd name will you give him next? Why do you
+call him that?
+
+CAPT. M. Isn't he our Inspector--General of Cavalry? Doesn't he come
+down in his seventeen-two perambulator every morning the Pink Hussars
+parade? Don't wriggle, Brigadier. Give us your private opinion on the
+way the third squadron went past. 'Trifle ragged, weren't they?
+
+CAPT. G. A bigger set of tailors than the new draft I don't wish to see.
+They've given me more than my fair share--knocking the squadron out of
+shape. It's sickening!
+
+CAPT. M. When you're in command, you'll do better, young 'un. Can't you
+walk yet? Grip my finger and try. (To G.) 'Twon't hurt his hocks, will
+it?
+
+CAPT. G. Oh, no. Don't let him flop, though, or he'll lick all the
+blacking off your boots.
+
+MRS. G. (Within.) Who's destroying my son's character?
+
+CAPT. M. And my Godson's. I'm ashamed of you, Gaddy. Punch your father
+in the eye, Jack! Don't you stand it! Hit him again!
+
+CAPT. G. (Sotto voce.) Put The Butcha down and come to the end of the
+veranda. I'd rather the Wife didn't hear--just now.
+
+CAPT. M. You look awf'ly serious. Anything wrong?
+
+CAPT. G. 'Depends on your view entirely. I say, Jack, you won't think
+more hardly of me than you can help, will you? Come further this
+way.--The fact of the matter is, that I've made up my mind--at least I'm
+thinking seriously of--cutting the Service.
+
+CAPT. M. Hwhatt?
+
+CAPT. G. Don't shout. I'm going to send in my papers.
+
+CAPT. M. You! Are you mad?
+
+CAPT. G. No--only married.
+
+CAPT. M. Look here! What's the meaning of it all? You never intend to
+leave us. You can't. Isn't the best squadron of the best regiment of the
+best cavalry in all the world good enough for you?
+
+CAPT. G. (Jerking his head over his shoulder.) She doesn't seem to
+thrive in this God-forsaken country, and there's The Butcha to be
+considered and all that, you know.
+
+CAPT. M. Does she say that she doesn't like India?
+
+CAPT. G. That's the worst of it. She won't for fear of leaving me.
+
+CAPT. M. What are the Hills made for?
+
+CAPT. G. Not for my wife, at any rate.
+
+CAPT. M. You know too much, Gaddy, and--I don't like you any the better
+for it!
+
+CAPT. G. Never mind that. She wants England, and The Butcha would be all
+the better for it. I'm going to chuck. You don't understand.
+
+CAPT. M. (Hotly.) I understand this One hundred and thirty-seven new
+horse to be licked into shape somehow before Luck comes round again; a
+hairy-heeled draft who'll give more trouble than the horses; a camp next
+cold weather for a certainty; ourselves the first on the roster; the
+Russian shindy ready to come to a head at five minutes' notice, and you,
+the best of us all, backing out of it all! Think a little, Gaddy. You
+won't do it.
+
+CAPT. G. Hang it, a man has some duties toward his family, I suppose.
+
+CAPT. M. I remember a man, though, who told me, the night after
+Amdheran, when we were picketed under Jagai, and he'd left his sword--by
+the way, did you ever pay Ranken for that sword?--in an Utmanzai's
+head--that man told me that he'd stick by me and the Pinks as long as
+he lived. I don't blame him for not sticking by me--I'm not much of a
+man--but I do blame him for not sticking by the Pink Hussars.
+
+CAPT. G. (Uneasily.) We were little more than boys then. Can't you see,
+Jack, how things stand? 'Tisn't as if we were serving for our bread.
+We've all of us, more or less, got the filthy lucre. I'm luckier than
+some, perhaps. There's no call for me to serve on.
+
+CAPT. M. None in the world for you or for us, except the Regimental. If
+you don't choose to answer to that, of course--
+
+CAPT. G. Don't be too hard on a man. You know that a lot of us only take
+up the thing for a few years and then go back to Town and catch on with
+the rest.
+
+CAPT. M. Not lots, and they aren't some of Us.
+
+CAPT. G. And then there are one's affairs at Home to be considered--my
+place and the rents, and all that. I don't suppose my father can last
+much longer, and that means the title, and so on.
+
+CAPT. M. 'Fraid you won't be entered in the Stud Book correctly unless
+you go Home? Take six months, then, and come out in October. If I could
+slay off a brother or two, I s'pose I should be a Marquis of sorts.
+Any fool can be that; but it needs men, Gaddy--men like you--to lead
+flanking squadrons properly. Don't you delude yourself into the belief
+that you're going Home to take your place and prance about among
+pink-nosed Kabuli dowagers. You aren't built that way. I know better.
+
+CAPT. G. A man has a right to live his life as happily as he can. You
+aren't married.
+
+CAPT. M. No--praise be to Providence and the one or two women who have
+had the good sense to jawab me.
+
+CAPT. G. Then you don't know what it is to go into your own room and see
+your wife's head on the pillow, and when everything else is safe and the
+house shut up for the night, to wonder whether the roof-beams won't give
+and kill her.
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) Revelations first and second! (Aloud.) So-o! I knew
+a man who got squiffy at our Mess once and confided to me that he never
+helped his wife on to her horse without praying that she'd break her neck
+before she came back. All husbands aren't alike, you see.
+
+CAPT. G. What on earth has that to do with my case? The man must ha'
+been mad, or his wife as bad as they make 'em.
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'No fault of yours if either weren't all you say.
+You've forgotten the time when you were insane about the Herriott woman.
+You always were a good hand at forgetting. (Aloud.) Not more mad than
+men who go to the other extreme. Be reasonable, Gaddy. Your roof-beams
+are sound enough.
+
+CAPT. G. That was only a way of speaking. I've been uneasy and worried
+about the Wife ever since that awful business three years ago--when--I
+nearly lost her. Can you wonder?
+
+CAPT. M. Oh, a shell never falls twice in the same place. You've paid
+your toll to misfortune--why should your Wife be picked out more than
+anybody else's?
+
+CAPT. G. I can talk just as reasonably as you can, but you don't
+understand--you don't understand. And then there's The Butcha. Deuce
+knows where the Ayah takes him to sit in the evening! He has a bit of a
+cough. Haven't you noticed it?
+
+CAPT. M. Bosh! The Brigadier's jumping out of his skin with pure
+condition. He's got a muzzle like a rose-leaf and the chest of a
+two-year-old. What's demoralized you?
+
+CAPT. G. Funk. That's the long and the short of it. Funk!
+
+CAPT. M. But what is there to funk?
+
+CAPT. G. Everything. It's ghastly.
+
+CAPT. M. Ah! I see.
+
+You don't want to fight, And by Jingo when we do, You've got the kid,
+you've got the Wife, You've got the money, too.
+
+That's about the case, eh?
+
+CAPT. G. I suppose that's it. But it's not br myself. It's because of
+them. At least I think it is.
+
+CAPT. M. Are you sure? Looking at the matter in a cold-blooded light,
+the Wife is provided for even if you were wiped out tonight. She has
+an ancestral home to go to, money and the Brigadier to carry on the
+illustrious name.
+
+CAPT. G. Then it is for myself or because they are part of me. You don't
+see it. My life's so good, so pleasant, as it is, that I want to make it
+quite safe. Can't you understand?
+
+CAPT. M. Perfectly. "Shelter-pit for the Off'cer's charger," as they say
+in the Line.
+
+CAPT. G. And I have everything to my hand to make it so. I'm sick of the
+strain and the worry for their sakes out here; and there isn't a single
+real difficulty to prevent my dropping it altogether. It'll only cost
+me--Jack, I hope you'll never know the shame that I've been going
+through for the past six months.
+
+CAPT. M. Hold on there! I don't wish to be told. Every man has his moods
+and tenses sometimes.
+
+CAPT. G. (Laughing bitterly.) Has he? What do you call craning over to
+see where your near-fore lands?
+
+CAPT. M. In my case it means that I have been on the Considerable Bend,
+and have come to parade with a Head and a Hand. It passes in three
+strides.
+
+CAPT. G. (Lowering voice.) It never passes with me, Jack. I'm always
+thinking about it. Phil Gadsby funking a fall on parade! Sweet picture,
+isn't it! Draw it for me.
+
+CAPT. M. (Gravely.) Heaven forbid! A man like you can't be as bad as
+that. A fall is no nice thing, but one never gives it a thought.
+
+CAPT. G. Doesn't one? Wait till you've got a wife and a youngster of
+your own, and then you'll know how the roar of the squadron behind you
+turns you cold all up the back.
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) And this man led at Amdheran after Bagal Deasin went
+under, and we were all mixed up together, and he came out of the snow
+dripping like a butcher. (Aloud.) Skittles! The men can always open out,
+and you can always pick your way more or less. We haven't the dust to
+bother us, as the men have, and whoever heard of a horse stepping on a
+man?
+
+CAPT. G. Never-as long as he can see. But did they open out for poor
+'Errington?
+
+CAPT. M. Oh, this is childish!
+
+CAPT. G. I know it is, worse than that. I don't care. You've ridden
+Van Loo. Is he the sort of brute to pick his way-'specially when we're
+coming up in column of troop with any pace on?
+
+CAPT. M. Once in a Blue Moon do we gallop in column of troop, and then
+only to save time. Aren't three lengths enough for you?
+
+CAPT. G. Yes--quite enough. They just allow for the full development of
+the smash. I'm talking like a cur, I know: but I tell you that, for the
+past three months, I've felt every hoof of the squadron in the small of
+my back every time that I've led.
+
+CAPT. M. But, Gaddy, this is awful!
+
+CAPT. G. Isn't it lovely? Isn't it royal? A Captain of the Pink Hussars
+watering up his charger before parade like the blasted boozing Colonel
+of a Black Regiment!
+
+CAPT. M. You never did!
+
+CAPT. G. Once Only. He squelched like a mussuck, and the
+Troop--Sergeant-Major cocked his eye at me. You know old Haffy's eye. I
+was afraid to do it again.
+
+CAPT. M. I should think so. That was the best way to rupture old Van
+Loo's tummy, and make him crumple you up. You knew that.
+
+CAPT. G. I didn't care. It took the edge off him.
+
+CAPT. M. "Took the edge off him"? Gaddy, you--you--you mustn't, you
+know! Think of the men.
+
+CAPT. G. That's another thing I am afraid of. D'you s'pose they know?
+
+CAPT. M. Let's hope not; but they're deadly quick to spot skirm--little
+things of that kind. See here, old man, send the Wife Home for the hot
+weather and come to Kashmir with me. We'll start a boat on the Dal or
+cross the Rhotang--shoot ibex or loaf--which you please. Only come!
+You're a bit off your oats and you're talking nonsense. Look at the
+Colonel--swag-bellied rascal that he is. He has a wife and no end of a
+bow-window of his own. Can any one of us ride round him--chalkstones and
+all? I can't, and I think I can shove a crock along a bit.
+
+CAPT. G. Some men are different. I haven't any nerve. Lord help me, I
+haven't the nerve! I've taken up a hole and a half to get my knees well
+under the wallets. I can't help it. I'm so afraid of anything happening
+to me. On my soul, I ought to be broke in front of the squadron, for
+cowardice.
+
+CAPT. M. Ugly word, that. I should never have the courage to own up.
+
+CAPT. G. I meant to lie about my reasons when I began, but--I've got out
+of the habit of lying to you, old man. Jack, you won't?--But I know you
+won't.
+
+CAPT. M. Of course not. (Half aloud.) The Pinks are paying dearly for
+their Pride.
+
+CAPT. G. Eb! What-at?
+
+CAPT. M. Don't you know? The men have called Mrs. Gadsby the Pride of
+the Pink Hussars ever since she came to us.
+
+CAPT. G. 'Tisn't her fault. Don't think that. It's all mine.
+
+CAPT. M. What does she say?
+
+CAPT. G. I haven't exactly put it before her. She's the best little
+woman in the world, Jack, and all that--but she wouldn't counsel a man
+to stick to his calling if it came between him and her. At least, I
+think--
+
+CAPT. M. Never mind. Don't tell her what you told me. Go on the Peerage
+and Landed-Gentry tack.
+
+CAPT. G. She'd see through it. She's five times cleverer than I am.
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) Then she'll accept the sacrifice and think a little
+bit worse of him for the rest of her days.
+
+CAPT. G. (Absently.) I say, do you despise me?
+
+CAPT. M. 'Queer way of putting it. Have you ever been asked that
+question? Think a minute. What answer used you to give?
+
+CAPT. G. So bad as that? I'm not entitled to expect anything more, but
+it's a bit hard when one's best friend turns round and--
+
+CAPT. M. So! have found But you will have consolations--Bailiffs and
+Drains and Liquid Manure and the Primrose League, and, perhaps, if
+you're lucky, the Colonelcy of a Yeomanry Cav-al-ry Regiment--all
+uniform and no riding, I believe. How old are you?
+
+CAPT. G. Thirty-three. I know it's--
+
+CAPT. M. At forty you'll be a fool of a J. P. landlord. At fifty you'll
+own a bath-chair, and The Brigadier, if he takes after you, will be
+fluttering the dovecotes of--what's the particular dunghill you're going
+to? Also, Mrs. Gadsby will be fat.
+
+CAPT. G. (Limply.) This is rather more than a joke.
+
+CAPT. M. D'you think so? Isn't cutting the Service a joke? It generally
+takes a man fifty years to arrive at it. You're quite right, though. It
+is more than a joke. You've managed it in thirty-three.
+
+CAPT. G. Don't make me feel worse than I do. Will it satisfy you if I
+own that I am a shirker, a skrim-shanker, and a coward?
+
+CAPT. M. It wil! not, because I'm the only man in the world who can talk
+to you like this without being knocked down. You mustn't take all that
+I've said to heart in this way. I only spoke--a lot of it at least--out
+of pure selfishness, because, because--Oh, damn it all, old man,--I don't
+know what I shall do without you. Of course, you've got the money and
+the place and all that--and there are two very good reasons why you
+should take care of yourself.
+
+CAPT. G. 'Doesn't make it any sweeter. I'm backing out--I know I am. I
+always had a soft drop in me somewhere--and I daren't risk any danger to
+them.
+
+CAPT. M. Why in the world should you? You're bound to think of your
+family-bound to think. Er--hmm. If I wasn't a younger son I'd go too--be
+shot if I wouldn't!
+
+CAPT. G. Thank you, Jack. It's a kind lie, but it's the blackest you've
+told for some time. I know what I'm doing, and I'm going into it with my
+eyes open. Old man, I can't help it. What would you do if you were in my
+place?
+
+CAPT. M. (Aside.) 'Couldn't conceive any woman getting permanently
+between me and the Regiment. (Aloud.) 'Can't say. 'Very likely I should
+do no better. I'm sorry for you--awf'ly sorry--but "if them's your
+sentiments," I believe, I really do, that you are acting wisely.
+
+CAPT. G. Do you? I hope you do. (In a whisper.) Jack, be very sure of
+yourself before you marry. I'm an ungrateful ruffian to say this, but
+marriage--even as good a marriage as mine has been--hampers a man's
+work, it <DW36>s his sword-arm, and oh, it plays Hell with his notions
+of duty. Sometimes--good and sweet as she is--sometimes I could wish
+that I had kept my freedom--No, I don't mean that exactly.
+
+MRS. G. (Coming down veranda.) What are you wagging your head over, Pip?
+
+CAPT. M. (Turning quickly.) Me, as usual. The old sermon. Your husband
+is recommending me to get married. 'Never saw such a one-ideaed man.
+
+MRS. G. Well, why don't you? I dare say you would make some woman very
+happy.
+
+CAPT. G. There's the Law and the Prophets, Jack. Never mind the
+Regiment. Make a woman happy. (Aside.) O Lord!
+
+CAPT. M. We'll see. I must be off to make a Troop Cook desperately
+unhappy. I won't have the wily Hussar fed on Government Bullock Train
+shinbones--(Hastily.) Surely black ants can't be good for The Brigadier.
+He's picking em off the matting and eating 'em. Here, Senor Comandante
+Don Grubbynuse, come and talk to me. (Lifts G. JUNIOR in his arms.)
+'Want my watch? You won't be able to put it into your mouth, but you can
+try. (G. JUNIOR drops watch, breaking dial and hands.)
+
+MRS. G. Oh, Captain Mafflin, I am so sorry! Jack, you bad, bad little
+villain. Ahhh!
+
+CAPT. M. It's not the least consequence, I assure you. He'd treat the
+world in the same way if he could get it into his hands. Everything's
+made to be played, with and broken, isn't it, young 'un?
+
+* * * * *
+
+MRS. G. Mafflin didn't at all like his watch being broken, though he
+was too polite to say so. It was entirely his fault for giving it to
+the child. Dem little puds are werry, werry feeble, aren't dey, by
+Jack-in-de-box? (To G.) What did he want to see you for?
+
+CAPT. G. Regimental shop as usual.
+
+MRS. G. The Regiment! Always the Regiment. On my word, I sometimes feel
+jealous of Mafflin.
+
+CAPT. G. (Wearily.) Poor old Jack? I don't think you need. Isn't it time
+for The Butcha to have his nap? Bring a chair out here, dear. I've got
+some thing to talk over with you.
+
+AND THIS IS THE END OF THE STORY OF THE GADSBYS
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Story of the Gadsby, by Rudyard Kipling
+
+*** 
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