Original sentence: After a brief detention in Trier, Sorley returned to England and volunteered for military service, joining the Suffolk Regiment.Before taking up a scholarship to study at University College, Oxford, Sorley studied in Schwerin, Germany, up to the outbreak of World War I.Despite the horrors of World War I, Sorley felt it had freed his spirit.He arrived at the Western Front in France as a lieutenant in May 1915, and quickly rose to the rank of captain at the age of only twenty.Retrieved on 2006-10-13.Sorley was killed in action, shot in the head by a sniper, at the Battle of Loos on October 13, 1915
Edited sentence: After Britain declared war on Germany, Sorley was detained for an afternoon in Trier, but released on the same day and told to leave the country.Before taking up a scholarship to study at University College, Oxford, Sorley spent a little more than six months in Germany, three months of which were at Schwerin studying the language and local culture.He arrived at the Western Front in France as a lieutenant in May 1915, and quickly rose to the rank of captain at the age of twenty.Retrieved on 2009-08-05.Sorley returned to England and volunteered for military service, joining the Suffolk Regiment.Sorley was killed in action near Hulluch, where he was shot in the head by a sniper at the Battle of Loos on October 13, 1915.Then he enrolled at the University of Jena, and studied there up to the outbreak of World War I