Original sentence: Air Vice Marshal Adam Henry Robson (Armstrong) - was a senior officer of the Royal Air Force.Alan Percy, 8th Duke of Northumberland - Military Commander.Amjad Hussain (Collingwood) - Rear-Admiral of the Royal Navy of the United Kingdom (first Admiral from an ethnic-minority group and the highest ranking ethnic-minority officer in the UK armed forces).John Vane, 11th Baron Barnard - Former Lord Lieutenant and Military Commander.Timothy Laurence - Rear-Admiral of the Royal Navy and son-in-law of Queen Elizabeth II, as husband of Anne, Princess Royal
Edited sentence: Air Vice Marshal Adam Henry Robson (Armstrong) - officer in the Royal Air Force.Alan Percy, 8th Duke of Northumberland - army officer.Amjad Hussain (Collingwood) - Rear-Admiral of the British Royal Navy (first Admiral from an ethnic-minority group and the highest ranking ethnic-minority officer in the UK armed forces).John Vane, 11th Baron Barnard - army officer, Lord Lieutenant of Durham.Timothy Laurence - Rear-Admiral of the Royal Navy and husband of Anne, Princess Royal