Original sentence: Upon her departure, analysts commented that Clinton's tenure did not bring any signature diplomatic breakthroughs as other Secretaries of State had, and highlighted her focus on goals that she thought were less tangible but would have more lasting effect
Edited sentence: On her departure, analysts commented that Clinton's tenure did not bring any signature diplomatic breakthroughs as other Secretaries of State, and highlighted her focus on goals that she thought were less tangible but would have more lasting effect