empathielabs/imdb_v0 huggingface dataset:
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user\nThis movie is at times a wild 80s college sex comedy, others a sweet romantic one... Then it has moments of serious drama and then sprinkles in dashes of science fiction... It is so uneven its almost ridiculous.
But I would hardly rank it as one of the worst films I've ever seen except of course for the fact that they casted Peter O'Toole.
There is absolutely nothing for him to work with here. Poor dialog, poor performances to work off of, poor everything... And yet he's fantastic... There is not one good thing about his part and yet he makes it work if only on pure charm alone.
The fact that he was so able to achieve so much with so little shines a spotlight on how greatly everyone else in this film failed, making it seem even worse than I suppose it actually is...
If any other actor was in O'Toole's role, I would have forgotten this movie as crap and never thought of it again, but a fine performance by Peter O'Toole despite all odds ensures that I'll remember this film for a long time to come... If only as a film that, maybe, could have been good if anyone involved in it was nearly half as good as Peter O'Toole.
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user\nThis movie was disappointing. After 15 years, when it was brought back to mind from reviewing some info about Mariel Hemingway, all the regrets I felt about the movie came rolling back. While I remember Peter O'Toole, I was entirely oblivious to the fact that the female \"lead\" (okay, - she was little more than an object for discussion in the storyline) was Ms. Hemingway. I saw this movie back in the days when I wrote movie reviews, and warned people off it, as the stories just didn't work, and fifteen years of my subconscious trying to sort things out still hasn't made sense of the flow of the ideas.
Part of this may have to do with the fact that it looked like, after the original movie (whatever it was about) was filmed, an editor came in and tried to piece together something out of it. I don't know if this had been a project of a previous studio boss, and so was sabotaged to discredit him or her by the successor, or this was a disaster from the original screenplay that attempts to salvage were unsuccessful. The theatrical version just didn't work.
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user\nI thought the this film had an interesting name and just might have proved thought provoking, but was I wrong. This film was boring, especially in the beginning and the middle parts. I cannot comment on the ending because I just couldn't stand watching the whole film. The premise of signing a student researcher just because he walks into your lab makes no sense. This student had an interesting type of moving robot in his apartment and sadly enough this non living thing is more interesting than the characters in this film. So if you are having trouble with sleep then I recommend that you rent this film.
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user\nWhat I wouldn't do to give this film a re-write. Extra disappointing due to the great beginning, Solo Dios Sabe degenerates into a mess of superstitious bull after the halfway point and ends on a note so ludicrous, soppy and melodramatic I couldn't believe I was watching the same movie I started with. The film had numerous elements in its favor, such as chemistry between Diego Luna and Alice Braga so palpable I thought the screen would start sparking, a great soundtrack, and beautiful locations. Instead of ending with the heavy-handed religious mumbo jumbo, the film should have kept the focus on being a frothy road movie with maybe some undertones about fate and superstition vs. logic peppered through. I understand the director's entire intent with the film was to make it about religion, but the fact is that it just didn't work, and he threw away so much great stuff from the beginning by doing so.
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user\nTHE worst movie I've ever seen, and I've seen allot. Acting is horrible, plot is awful, idea is terrible, and no research was done what's so ever! Ok, I admit, `Air Bud' was a pretty good movie, but not `Soccer Dog'. This \"dog\" is smaller than my cat! How can he possibly play soccer? Even for 10 years old kids it won't be a problem to kick the ball hard enough to brake the stupid dog in half! It's horrible, don't watch this movie.
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user\nOK, we were going along with the stereotypical bad orphanage experience and explaining to our son, adopted from Russia, that this was over-the-top acting and dramatization, so we could get to the dog playing soccer (since he plays soccer). But the last scene, in which the dog goes back to his original owner put my son over the edge and he cried for 15-20 minutes, \"he's been replaced!!!!\" This from an elementary child. I DO NOT recommend this movie to any family that has an adopted child; it displays adoption, orphanages and adults badly--and in the end, even though they win the game--the dog that the boy bonded with has to leave--and this is too much. PLEASE be wary if you have any adopted children, and beware families with biological children, because the impression of children who are adopted is not positive and paints a stereotype that is unhealthy and nasty. (The dog is cute, but not enough to save our family's reaction to this movie....)
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user\nEven my five year old was bored.
Very predictable, and overacted. This movie couldn't make up it's mind as to whether it was slapstick, or wry commentary on the state of \"pee -wee\" sports.
Characters were underdeveloped, could have done more with the connection between father and son both coming from an orphanage.
Did not like the reference regarding the goalie slipping the laxative to his teammate...very mean spirited for a kid's movie.
Typical \"Mafia\" behavior was boring and stereotypical.
The dog, however, was so darn cute!!!!
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user\nThis stinker is in mystifyingly frequent rotation on one channel here, and I've found myself watching in horror again and again. The script is like something one would come up with friends over several too many drinks, and the production values match admirably.
It's meant to be a children's movie, but features a grotesque (and poorly explained) kidnapping scene; the star dog has a lack of star quality equaled only by the other actors; and it in general has the look of being filmed in someone's backyard (the climactic soccer game features no more than three dozen extras sadly cheering in the background).
It even all wraps up with a budget-ran-out voice-over sequence when the story, to one's relief, simply stops. The high-raters here must be either the producers - or the majority of the extras from the soccer game!
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user\nA blatant rip-off of \"Air Bud\", this movie is REALLY about parents worrying too much about parenting. All the foibles of the characters (eg; adult coaches who dont know the game) are taken to the extreme- so much so that they are totally unbelievable, not funny.
There is no semblance of reality here, folks and you'll not develop sympathy for ANY of the characters.
The best thing about the movie is the good looking kits (uniforms) of the opposing team in the first game the dog plays. Perhaps chosen because the setting is supposedly near Arlington Heights, IL, the home of the Columbus Crew's franchise player, Brian McBride.
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user\nWhat can be said about a movie about a cross dressing gangster? Not that much. With the average indie style film-making, this film has the timing all wrong. Editing is just awful. As far as the gangster story, it might have been pulled off if the gangsters didn't lack character. Everyone just seemed to be there for some sort of punch line. None of which were funny. The usual suspects in this film are the hooker with the heart of gold, the dying mafia father that wishes his son would make his business legit, the best friend with the \"zany\" one-liners. But the main character, the gangster that likes to dress up like a girl. Only his motivation for dressing up like a girl is that he got mugged by a woman? Weird. The ending of the movie had to be the nail in the coffin. It was anti-climatic to say the least. I mean I understand how indie filmmakers don't have the equipment for a proper shot out, but they might as well been using water guns. Overall, I would say the hype leading up to it, (red carpet premiere in Vancouver), it was a disappointment.
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user\nThere are some great Canadian films. There are some crappy ones. Last night, I watched one of the crappy ones. It wasn't the typical Canadian film where it tried to be so different by being arty. This film tried to be some type of Hollywood gangster movie. It was terrible.
From the beginning I had a sense that it would be a bad movie. It had some of the cheesiest dialouge a movie can have. There was this voice over for one scene and then it never returned. That always bugs me, when filmmakers just use voice over when they can't think of another creative way to tell a story.
I know being in the Canadian film industry, I should support my fellow brothers, but this movie is junk. The premise is something like a Soprano's episode only not realistic. Some banker's mafia boss dad is on his death bed and orders the son to make the business legit. Not so original. And the workers complain about it, but they just take the fact that they will soon be out of jobs like nothing. To make it legit they use extortion. Irony. But not the good kind. Then some freak show girl who had an awful Elvis wig and birthmark that covered half of her face robs the main character and kinda rapes him. Anyways, this guy for whatever reason now likes to dress up as girls. Then this banker hooks up with a hooker, when he has a beautiful future wife at home. But he falls for the hooker because the hooker dresses like a man and puts make-up on him. She blackmails him with some photos of him wearing bra and panties. Yet, he still loves her. He also has no reason to leave his fiancé, but he does in order to be with the hooker.
For a movie about organize crime and sexual fetish, there was neither action nor sex. It was like a late night Cinemax porn movie without the good stuff. The would-be sex scenes weren't hot or sexy. It was all too amateurish. The movie had nothing going for it, just the lame plot.
I don't think it was the actor's fault. I think they had a terrible script to work with. What stuck out the most was the ridiculous characters. The bad guy's name was Uncle Bunny or something. But the name wasn't important. It was they all were cliché. The dialouge was laughable throughout the movie, and fellow movie-goers laughed aloud at some of the movies \"serious\" moments. Then, the worst of it all. It had to be the cheapest ending. If you can ever remember playing shoot out as a kid with either imaginary guns or toy guns. That was basically the ending of the movie. But I was more than happy it ended, and I had to warn my fellow Canadians to not waste time or money watching this film.
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user\nEveryone knows that late night movies aren't Oscar contenders. Fine. I mean I'll admit that I was a bit tipsy and bored and figured I'd get to some skin-a-max. It's pretty bad when the info on the TV guide channel makes fun of the movie in the description. It even gave it half a star. To be fair, I did sit throw the whole thing cause man it was soooooooooo bad. I couldn't stop laughing. I mean the words coming out of these people mouth and how they were trying to be serious. Most of the time I think the people on the screen were trying their hardest to not to laugh. In fact I think in one scene they did laugh. Anyways the movie didn't make sense. It was like that one Sopranos episode with the fat gay guy. Only the Sopranos is great show. But it was terrible, I mean, no nudity, just sex scenes out of the 90's. You know the kind that use shadows and silhouettes instead of flesh. I gave it a two cause this flick makes for a good drinking game movie. I mean with all the cheese, it helps to get the wine out. If its late at night, and all that is on TV is this and that Tony Little guy and his exercise bike, then I suggest Tony Little.
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user\nIn a world full of films -- like \"You Got Served\" -- that blow your mind with its vast amounts of errors, you'd never figure that there would be worse films... until now. Ron Hall's \"Vampire Assassins\" does more than cheese you off. It KNOWS that you are mad at it. First: there are no assassins in this movie. In fact, there's only one good guy fighting in the whole movie. Second: The location... is basically one location: some jackass's house (or basement. It's up to you.). Third: The special effects (bluntly stated) can kiss my ass. Fourth: The acting beats \"Plan 9 from Outer Space\" in the worst-acting-ever category. Ron Hall can't act to save his life. Finally (and definitely not the smallest problem): THE EDITING. The person who edited this film better hope that I never find him. The cuts and shots are HORRENDOUS!!!! Other issues: Lighting (virtually none), the fact that the guy on the cover isn't even in the movie, and the fact that this film exists.
To sum this film up, let us just say that I tortured the DVD copy before taking it back to Hollywood Video (don't worry! I used the MVP membership, so it was free!). NEVER SEE THIS FILM!!!!
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user\nRon Hall pulls a triple threat as he writes, directs and stars in 'Vampire Assassins'. Derek Washington (Hall) is your clichéd cop-on-a-mission who finds himself up to his neck in some nasty vampire action. Tossing away his badge he searches for the last vampire slayer (no not Buffy!) to take back the streets and vanquish the bloodsuckers back to the grave.
'Vampire Assassins' is a horrible film. It rips off so many other films (can you say Blade?) that it never even attempts to establish it's own identity. The script is non existent. The action is horrible. Who says a micro-budget stimulates creativity? There is nothing even remotely interesting here. You will get nothing out of this except a headache. Stay away at all costs.
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user\nI've spent a year deployed in Iraq, and amongst the hundreds of movies I've seen here was this little gem called Vampire Assassin. Judging from the cover (African-American with corn-rows with a curved blade, leather coat and the demeanor of a badass), I expected a Blade rip-off. Fair enough.
So I pop it in and observed a borderlined overweight African-American with no blade, no cornrows and, well, nothing at all really except...I don't know. If you've read any of these other reviews, you get the gist of the flick. It sucks. Bad. Really bad.
I don't know if it was the Highlander-esquire lightning after killing an immortal vampire, or the karate-kick sound effects for camera zooms, or the twenty dollar budget on props, or the \"ok, we have 90 minutes to film this before we're caught filming in a Johnson & Johnson parking lot,\" or the martial arts that is as exciting and fast-paced as two old people having sex, or the 7th grade acting talent, or the eccentric Asian Master who's either senial or on acid, or what, but the movie manages to force you to question your existence. And that's awesome.
Not many movies can be so bad that your head will explode like Scanners. If you heckle (or MST3K) with your friends, this is the flick for you. I've seen it three times already, and I think it might've caused permanent damage on my psyche. If you STILL don't have any clue as to the quality of the film, people were trying to give it away for free and no one would take it. Not even by force.
Long story short, watch it. Either as masochistic pleasure or punishment. It will rock your skull (and for the most part, for all the wrong reasons).
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user\nA dark, yet humorous tale involving a cop who has a first hand experience with vampires and decides he must quit his job to pursue these evil beings.Most of the film contained questionable acting,plot, props, and filming. The fight scenes were as hokey as a middle schooler's rendition of a WWII battle. The lines delivered were spoken as if the actors had no motivation for being there. The props were bad because they did not even look like they could function in the slightest amount. the majority of the film appeared to be shot in someones basement (in some scenes you could see the rafters overhead in a scene that was not supposed to look like that of a basement). The plot had no motivation to move forward or go backwards, it just appeared to stand still at times with no reason for some characters actions. I felt at times the sounds effects were out of place for this horror type genre and more of a cartoon series. It is similar to the movie Blade, in that he is an African American vampire hunter. However, that is where all similarities end, and the movie looks closer to a Saturday Night Live spoof.
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user\nI rented this movie expecting it to suck, and it didn't let me down. I rented it with some friends as a joke. But, what we got was worse than anyone could ever imagine.
It starts off sucking before you even take it out of the box. It looks like a Blade rip-off and the guy on the cover is nowhere to be found in the movie. Its called vampire Assassin, but isn't an assassin someone who kills for hire? Well this guy kills the of his own volition, so that doesn't make him an assassin.
Then, when you actually put the disk in it gets worst. First off the menu animation is lame. But, when you actually start the movie every thing from the set design to the lighting (or lack thereof) is terrible. You know a movie is bad when the credits even suck. The acting is Laughable. The action is childish. The writing is elementary. And the directing is the worst>
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user\nIt's 2005, my friends...a time of amazing special effects and an age of technology. So, why can't we see a movie that's a little more thought out than this cheesy low-budget film. I've seen a lot of low-budget movies that rock my socks off, but this one...it's almost as if it's trying to be horrible. Just...don't...watch it. I can look past lack of special effects and computer generated scenes if the acting itself was at least good. I feel like a small child produced this entire movie. There's not even an original plot line. Vampire Assassins, in itself is one big plot hole with an attempt to mock itself. Can someone tell me if, perhaps, this was designed as a comedy movie and I just didn't know it? It makes me wonder, what does the sequel have in store for us who so loved the first installment?
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user\ni don't really know where to start here.just imagine a movie that is so bad in every way from the acting to the props to the story that it makes you angry. This is one of the worst movies that i have ever seen and that is saying a lot because i have seen some bad ones. when i saw this movie i knew it was a blade knock off, but i thought that hey its got kung fu and vampires, a combination that i thought could not fail. That is until i popped this into my DVD player. How Ron hall managed to mess up something as cool as vampires and martial arts is beyond me. first the acting. i didn't expect to much here to begin with because its an action movie and a B one at that, but the acting here is so bad i couldn't help but be bothered by it. expressions and vocal tones were way out of place, there was absolutely no emotion in almost the entire film and when there was it was so laughable it thought i was watching Mad TV.for example that girly man scream Derek lets out when he has to kill master kao who should have never been born in the first place. all in all I've seen better acting at elementary school plays.then there is the action. not even sub par compared to the things that have been done in action cinema as of late. but still the action was not a total let down as Ron hall does seem to posses some martial arts skills. but even the skill he does have is over shadowed by the stupid things he does, for instance the part of the movie where he starts spinning and then the camera changes. i almost ripped a pillow in half.and the fight scene where his prison buddy fights off vampires by swinging his arms at them. WOW.OR how about the part in the jail where Derek all of a sudden knows magic and can preform chants that make tap water holy water. and as far as the props go. the guns look like walmart toys, the teeth were stolen from Halloween costumes, and words cant describe how bad the CG graphics are. i could go on for hours about all the things wrong with this movie and trust me this is just the tip of the iceberg. its only getting a 2 because it made me laugh. even though i was laughing at how badly the movie was done, a laugh is a laugh. i would say steer clear of vampire assassin unless you want to laugh at a horrible movie or are planning on getting tortured for long periods of time and want to practice
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user\nThis movie actually almost made me cry.
For starters the fake teeth. Then you spot a nice plastic or drawn set. To make it even more boring all the action is followed by a bright light flash. Then the talking: sound levels are so different, sometimes too hard, then too soft, never exactly good like in good movies. Also, it echoes so much that i think they had one microphone on the entire set. And to make matters worse, EVER heard of stereo? If the camera switches, the sound always stays centered. The actors talk like they are reading from a board staged behind the camera. And the zooming into another scene, how terrible childish.
The music is so badly chosen that it never adds something. It only destroys any accidentally created excitement.
To finish it up, the fighting scenes... my 3 year old niece would make a better fighting scene.
This movie is not even good for a laugh, it's just that bad...
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user\nDo NOT avoid this movie. Simply because it is so bad that it is absolutely hilarious. It possibly is the worst movie I have ever seen but it was so bad that my friends and I were able to laugh at every single moment of this film. At times we actually debated whether it was this bad on purpose but we're pretty sure that it is not. Characters appear out of nowhere as if they have already been established, the scenery changes mid scene to this warehouse constantly, and the Vampire Assassin ends up having around 6 climactic fights with enemies before finally getting to the head vampire. You will also be able to enjoy the one and only face of the Vampire Assassin as he never changes his expression despite his obvious attempts to. So if you want to watch a movie that will make you laugh histerically then I suggest this one as long as you go in with an open mind. Don't expect a good movie, expect the worst... and it will be even worse than that. I seriously want to buy this movie and place it atop my comedy movie selection. Right next to Anchorman.
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user\nAs I said, sometimes low budget is good. You get to see a good movie without a lot of the extra BS that can hide an otherwise piece of crap. Well...this was that piece of crap. If anything, I thought it had humor, unfortunately the humor was unintentional. The only half-witted acting came from Bill Smith and his part was cut out (that's a joke). There was never a Bill Smith, nor was there anyone cast who could act. Even Gerald Okamura sucked, and he's been cast in nearly 40 movies. The fight scenes were comical and made me feel like I could kick all their $%#@#$. The sound was horrible, as if all sound was recorded on the set. My 10 year old could have written a better script...BTW, my 10 year old fell asleep...no kidding. I give a B+ to editing for cutting the movie to only 90 minutes...60 minutes would have been an A+.
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user\nI hope the people who made this movies read these comments. The choreography was horrid, the plot was nill, and the actors where so low budget power rangers appears 5 star to this junk.
The fight scenes where so slow you could actually see the actors waiting for each other to perform the next move. Camera cut-aways and poor lighting could not cover up the cheap effects. The lightning was just plain stupid. The weapons looked like something out of a final fantasy game, and the dual bow and arrow was just dull as anything I have ever seen.
Next movie you decide to make try investing in some wireless mics, better script and try actually spending some time on your stunts.
Honestly there are shows on t.v. that play ever night and are thrown together in a few hours that look better than this one.
Stick to martial arts (unless its as poor as your acting) then take up quilting.
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user\nThis movie has got to go down in the history of bad movies as the worst one I've ever seen. It wasn't even a bad b movie...I would have rated it at as a z. The special effects were ridiculous...err if you could even call them special effects. I think the reviewer before hit the nail on the head...it was the box that sold the movie, while the cover art was great and the synopsis intriguing (which both is why I rented it) it was a waste of not only time but money as well. I didn't last long. I took it back to the store and switched it out for another movie I believe my local video store took it off the shelf because they had SOOOO many complaints about this horrible movie. My 6 year old could have done a better job filming it/writing the script!
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user\nThis movie was pathetically awful. The sound was terrible, the action was ridiculous and the effects were nauseating. If you have a life don't see this movie, cause you will want to kill yourself. This movie totally rips off Blade (which is undoubtedly a really good movie...or trilogy I should say).
I don't care who the actors are, this movie is just horrible. I watched 10 minutes of it and had to come to my computer and comment on how absolutely just bad this movie is. I actually don't know why my family is still watching it...oh wait, yes I do. They are laughing almost non-stop at the stupid action, dialogue and acting.
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user\nOK, normally I am fascinated by Z movies. Some of the actors, directors, writers, etc. in those movies have a shred of talent. They want to get that talent out so unfortunately for them, they have to associate with crappy people to make their films. But some Z films do have at least one thing that may be noteworthy about them.
Not here.
As soon as I saw it I thought...'Wow, a Blade knock-off.' Believe me, if this movie could have lived up to that label that would have made it a better movie.
Instead I was subjected to some of the most horrible acting I have ever seen in my life. Master Kao was bad, so bad that I believe some of my neurons in my brain exploded trying to comprehend his acting. I am still trying to make sense of his enunciation and why he would raise his voice in speaking certain words...to add dramatic effect I'm sure...but it was for no apparent reason. Simply mind boggling.
Oh and then there is the black guy in the purple cape near the end of the movie. Purple cape guy fights the hero for about 30 seconds, but he is so bad that it actually looked like he was scared of fighting.
The main hero and the main villain did decent jobs. The main hero (Derek Washington) seemed like he actually knew martial arts.
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user\nIf you came here, it's because you've already seen this film and were curious what others had to say about it.
I feel for you, I *really* do. And I profusely apologize as a Canadian (because that's what we do) that this film ever had to cross your eyes, if only for a moment. I hear there is no cure for the retinal bleeding reported out of every dozen cases.
I, like everyone else, rented this movie believing it to be some stupid B-movie ripoff of Blade. I thought, \"sure I could use a good laugh at a stupid movie.\" I'll give the creators of this film ONE positive comment about their 'creation': Thanks for removing the REC XX/XX/XX from the bottom right-hand corner of the screen. I can see how that would have been a distraction from seeing this movie.
And for the record, I *saw* the movie, but did not watch it. The dialogue was incoherent and most of the scenes took place in my grandmother's trailer, I swear to God.
You know what? I'm not writing anymore about this. It's just too painful.
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user\nSo, this is the WORST movie you will probably ever see. It's up there with \"Crossbones\" and \"Southern Comfort\", but if your a bad movie fan like I am, this atrocity of a film will be the most fun you've had in years. WHY does the camera make old-school kung fu noises when it zooms? WHY does that random guy stuff a nascar commemorative plate in his bag? And who is he anyway? WHY do the vampires shoot lightning after they die? What is this? Highlander? Dracula McCloud? Who cares! Just laugh at it. This movie has no continuity, no plot, no anything, really. Ron Hall's range of emotions are always off. He looks happy when he should be sad, angry when he should be confused. The rest of the cast couldn't act their way out of a paper bag. The special (\"Short bus\" kinda special) effects are randomly placed, and never needed. Most scenes are lit with a desk lamp, if they are lit at all. Mel Novak has the AUDACITY to look off-camera for his line, and it's not even edited out. They just keep on filming. In fact, half of this movie isn't even on film at all. It's 1/2 film, 1/2 sony hand-cam. For most of the film it seems that they left their boom mike at home. This movie doesn't just have a few plot holes, it's a mine field of confusion and mental pain! But OH do I love it! Thank you Ron Hall, for this cinematic abomination. I went out and bought it, cause it's just so damn funny. ($1.99 on Amazon, and I had it rush delivered!)
\"I have weapons! I have weapons! I have WEAPONS!\"
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user\nI don't normally give movies a \"1.\" Although I am a HEARTLESS critic, I try to find anything that makes the movie worthwhile (that is to say, watchable). The main thing I look for is a coherent plot. If it has that alone, I can watch it! Let me start by saying, this doesn't even deserve to be called a movie, this is more like an elementary school project...gone horribly wrong! And I've seen every Sci-Fi movie special that was ever made.
Many times I've read professional critic reviews that say crap like \"This played like a Made-for-TV...(etc, etc)\" and I kept saying \"Oh come on, I wish they'd think of a REAL criticism.\" Well this is worse...much worse! This is truly the worst \"thing\" I've seen that's lasted the length of a movie (if I DID consider it a movie it would be my new worst movie of all time), and I've seen every movie Uwe Boll made! This movie makes Uwe Boll look like Francis Ford Coppola! :) I'd rather watch Jaws the Revenge all day then see this one more time...even 5 minutes of it...there was one good scene and it was the END! ;-P OK enough bashing the works of Ron Hall, now for the serious criticism.
The script is poorly written, the dialog is delivered in a wooden manner, the effects are cheesier than those in a Power Rangers show, and don't even get me started on the screen zoom-in transitions (ugh). Someone actually watched this thing, edited it, and then said, \"ok release it\"? I would have rather burned this than release it! In closing all I can say is \"Thank goodness DVD and VHS players have a Stop and Eject feature!\" My advice...don't rent it, if you do, you'll be glad you have stop and eject too! :)
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user\nA friend of mine showed me this film yesterday, and I was really amazed that someone could make a movie this terrible!
Mix the most awful, clichéd dialog, with the most wooden acting you've ever seen, with the cheesiest special effects know to man, and you get this magnificent beast!
'Vampire Assassins' is funnier than most comedies I've seen, it really is awful!
I was in stitches during the scene where the ex cop/vampire assassin character is having coffee with the internet journalist. Just watch it and you'll see what I mean!
I honestly can't believe that someone made this with serious intentions.
Tragic, but a really good laugh. It has to be seen to be believed.
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user\nI wasn't able to last ten minutes on the this terrible film. In and age of DV cameras, it looks to have been shot on VHS without aid of any color correction or microphone.
As a filmmaker myself, I know the constraints of indy film-making and, even keeping those things in mind, I'm amazed films can be made this poorly.
The only praise I can offer is that this film got distribution as I've seen considerably better films still seeking modest domestic or international release. I'm guessing the box is what sold it...it does have good box art, but it all goes downhill from there.
Side note: It seems the director has 11 friends since no one on the this planet would give this film a \"10\".
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user\nIncredibly, \"Vampire Assassin\" is significantly worse than such atrocities as \"Tequila Body Shots\" and \"Zombie Nation\" - and those movies are TERRIBLE. Writer/director/star Ron Hall is devoid of both charisma and acting ability, and is also clearly incapable of the most basic directorial concepts. Possibly the worst camera-work, editing, lighting, sound, visual effects, music and fight choreography I have ever seen in a movie. Rarely do two shots cut together, nor can you see much in the beyond-dim lighting. The terrible dialogue is spoken extremely slowly by a supremely untalented cast, stretching the movie to a near-deadly 87 minutes. This is a truly laughable embarrassment for everyone involved. Obviously, aficionados of terrible film-making will want to see this, but it's very hard to sit through no matter how experienced a bad-movie viewer you are. The fact that Ron Hall thought this was actually releasable is astounding. If you are a movie director, and you actually think it's OK for the opening credits of your movie to include a few frames of the words SLUG before the title appears, left over from your rough edit - and you apparently can't muster the energy to edit those frames out - then your standards are obviously so low as to be insulting. I am astounded that Lions Gate/Maple agreed to release this movie on DVD. In spite of Rudy Ray Moore's very brief cameo, this movie is a work of supreme self-indulgence on Ron Hall's part - he clearly thinks he is a formidable actor, and must also believe he possesses superior writing and directing skills - but the movie is so unbelievably inept that it's hard to believe he'd actually want people to see it for fear of being brutally excoriated like I'm doing right now. A jaw-dropping, insanely terrible movie. I'm not kidding.
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user\nI watched this as part of a vampire movie marathon with research intent, otherwise there is no way I'd have watched it all the way through. The first scene wherein a bunch of vampires in very bad wigs seemingly get electrocuted by various slow moving weapons wielded by an even slower moving Van Helsing wannabe... in black and white... with a voice over, sets the pace for the entire rest of the film. The fight scenes look ridiculous, the dialouge would be funny if the acting wasn't so bad, what passes for plot doesn't make sense, and the production values bite (from the pleather knock off of Spike's coat worn by the hero to the cheesy cheap magician's cape their lead vamp swooshes around).
I've seen some bad movies (check out The Magic Sword with B. Rathbone, or the Raven with a very young Jack N.), but this one gets my vote for worst of all times.
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user\nLow-budget murder mystery about a Public Defender trying to clear his client of a murder the man had been convicted of 12 years previously. Complicating things is the fact that he escaped custody after his conviction, but the PD believes the man to be innocent of the murder and works to find the real killer. Gig Young as the PD is okay, and James Anderson as the convicted killer is actually pretty good, but the picture as a whole just rambles along with little suspense, and despite some good character actors in the cast, the performances are generally below par. Director George Archainbaud was apparently more at home making westerns--he was churning out Gene Autry's TV series at Columbia at around this time--but even if he had tried to inject any liveliness into this picture, the hack script would have defeated his attempts. Average at best, the film climaxes with a courtroom scene that's straight out of an episode of \"Perry Mason\" and is just as predictable.
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user\nSome people thought this was funny because they loved the political issues discussed in this piece. I, however, am so tired of the state of the two party system in our country that I can't stomach propaganda from either side. I was hoping for a horror show, but got \"cute\" zombies and partisan bull crap. I watch my horror films to be scared. This didn't even attempt to be scary. Also, this doesn't have the wit of Romero in his political/cultural satire laced in his movies...this was a blatant, no-imagination story that was hard for me to stomach (for the wrong reasons). On the bright side, if you hate Bush...you'll love this (I'm not condoning hate or Bush with this statement)
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user\nI disagree 100% with the reviewer who disagreed 100% with the reviewer who gave this short movie an \"F\" grade. Cashing in heavily on political propaganda only obscures Joe Dante's lack of ability to pull another Howling out of his bag of tricks. The Masters of Horror series was a phenomenal collection of truly horrifying tales, save for this episode.
Despite gaining acclaim from those who wish to promote it's political slant, \"Homecoming\" is the least effective episode of MOH season one. Unlike the rest of the series, Dante's entry is a parody of the genre, falling short of both horror and humor in it's ham-fisted delivery of a hackneyed political point.
Dante can really only be blamed for pulling this stinker off the shelf, as it wasn't his creation. The zombie sub-genre is very popular this decade, and among the crop of predictable George Romero tributes and vacuous fantasies are a number of works designed to push political or (ir)religeous messages. Such works are not written by or intended for true horror fans. Maybe Dante really isn't a a Master of Horror, either. What has he been up to since The Howling, after all?
If you want a lame anti-war zombie flick with a few pop culture references passed off as humor, Homecoming may be just your thing. If you are a horror fan looking for something Masterful, pick up... most any other episode of the series. My personal favorite was Dario Argento's \"Jenifer,\" based loosely on a classic comic short by the team of Bruce Jones and Berni Wrightson -- truly creepy.
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user\nThere are places for political commentary in film, but \"Masters of Horror\" is not one of them. I get enough of this stuff from Newsweek and every other editorial in the newspaper. Now I've got to watch this in horror movies? C'mon! All I wanted was a good zombie schlock film, not another \"Bush is bad!\" rant. If Joe Dante wants to express his politics, let him go on Air America. And if you must insist on making a \"message\" film, be a little more sly about it. This had all the insinuation of being slapped in the face with a dead fish.
By the way Joe, do you really want the left-wing voting block to be associated with brain-dead zombies? Might want to think about that before making another political horror movie (God help us).
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user\nThe last sentence of this review is a major spoiler.
I have enjoyed Joe Dante's work since Piranha. He's done a great deal of different genre parodies that were both funny and honest.
But this is pure crap. This is the kind of satire - in line with Thank You For Smoking - that is so literal and direct that it leaves nothing a) to be laughed at and b) to leave the audience to think about.
It's a shame, because the plot and the material is so rich, timely and ripe for intelligent commentary.
By the way, there is absolutely no reason for the main character to shoot the Ann Coulter character at the end of the film. It's just flat out ridiculous.
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user\nI was looking forward to Dante's contribution to this excellent horror anthology series from Showtime, but this was easily the worst of the bunch. It's really too bad. Part of this may be due to the poor, if odd, choice of source materials. Why Joe didn't just write an original, I have no idea. Instead, we get this soapbox episode where the \"message\" overwhelms the script, the characters, the staging, everything, and by the end I was just wondering whether it could get any worse, and I won't spoil it...but it ended up getting worse. What a stinker by such a talented creative team. Skip this one and buy the John Carpenter one instead. It manages to balance all of the elements: horror, humor, character, vision, and it's fun. Homecoming is about as fun as having a bear take a dump on you while you sleep.
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user\nDear Mr Dante,
Dude, seriously... the title of the show is \"Masters of Horror\". And be that as it may, it is supposed to be an opportunity to show of your horror chops, to show the world why you deserve to be called a \"master\" of the genre. Appearantly you misunderstood the exercise. Appearantly you thought it was your opportunity (or worse, your duty) to educate the American public on your political beliefs. And your attempt comes off as disgusting, overbearing, and above all preachy.
The only reason ANYONE marked your short as a high score is because their political views match yours and they are the type of people that don't mind having that sort of politics shoved down their throat.
I, on the other hand, don't give a damn what you believe, they believe, or I believe... I just want such obvious (not subtle) and unfunny (not satire) messages out of my horror. And while there were certainly other \"Masters of Horror\" that were big time disappointments or where I was just generally confused why that director (william malone?) would be considered a genre \"master\"... yours fails far beyond the rest for just missing the entire point of the series.
So next time... can you please just keep your preachy politics to yourself?
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user\nI can appreciate satire that goes against my own views but it must be witty and well-placed. This film is...how can I possibly explain it. It does not make the slightest attempt at subtlety, much less intelligence. In fact, it's hardly even horror. Dead soldiers come to life but they're not interested in brains, only in voting booths. Why? Cue a never-ending stream of the most idiotic, banal, bloated windbag ravings of \"bad president, bad conservatives, bad Republicans.\" What a self-indulgent, schmaltzy, cornball piece of hog manure this was.
Even if they agree with the episode's \"points,\" only the stupidest of liberals would say they enjoyed watching it. Then again, assigning a degree of stupidity to the crazed, angry, hostile, anti-social and anti-anything-halfway-normal liberal spectrum is a tall task in itself.
Avoid like a liberal convention.
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