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Odious Chuck Norris decided to put one final nail in the coffin
containing his film career before going to the safe world of CBS
Saturday night carnage with this hysterically bad supernatural
actioner.
For such a dumb movie this thing sure is plotty. Norris is Chicago
cop Frank Shatter. First off, what kind of last name is "Shatter"?
Have you ever met any Shatters? Genforum.com has no listing for
the last name Shatter, which opens up any half clever viewer to
replace the "a" in Shatter with an "i." He and his partner, Calvin
Jackson, do the same old buddy cop routine you have seen
before: make funny with the pimps, and make their captain mad.
Jackson, looking like the theoretical love child of Whoopi Goldberg
and Rick James, quickly wears on the nerves with his constant
complaining and Eddie Murphy-patented facial expressions.
Shatter and Calvin become involved with an emissary of Satan,
whom we are introduced to in the too long opening scenes.
Prosatano is a demon who is locked in a crypt by King Richard the
Lionhearted. The demon's scepter, from which he gets his power,
is busted into nine pieces and hid in nine different parts of the
world by holy men. In 1951, some grave robbers accidentally let
Prosatano out and he begins collecting the nine pieces. He
disguises himself as an antiquities professor named Lockley and
always happens to be giving a lecture where a holy man is killed
and a piece of the scepter is taken.
Norris brings in his "Walker: Texas Blunder" cohort Sheree Wilson,
who plays Lockley's assistant. She helps Norris with his
investigation, they make goo goo eyes at each other, and our
intrepid investigators travel to Israel after a rabbi is killed in
Chicago. While in Israel, Calvin is given even more to complain
about: the heat, the lack of restaurant accomodations, the lousy
drivers, and the fact that he is missing the Chicago Bulls playoff
games. Norris even manages to work a cute Israeli kid into this
nightmare. Bezi steals Calvin's wallet, and hangs around the men,
leading them around Israel and not arousing any sort of
appropriate suspicion.
Eventually, Lockley (Prosatano) assembles all of the scepter
pieces, but needs the blood of royalty to complete the ceremony
and call up the devil. Where to find royal blood? Well, Sheree's
father is a duke! She has an American accent but she is the
screenwriters' convenient method of forcing this monstrosity
toward its inevitable conclusion. Sure, this minion of Satan may
have killed countless hundreds over the years, but how is he
gonna do against a good old fashioned American butt kickin'?
After Prosatano has been vanquished, killed by his own scepter (I
envied him, he did not have to watch Bezi steal Calvin's wallet
again), we are treated to an awful coda involving a bearded man
who has been watching Shutter, I mean Shatter, and Calvin on
their quest. You see, it was foretold...somewhere...that two
warriors from the west would defeat Prosatano. The silent
bearded man who watched over the couple was none other than
Jesus...I kid you not. He is listed as "Prophet" in the end credits,
but you and even your pets will recognize the subtle Christian
reference the film makers are trying to exhibit here.
Like in "I Use a Walker: Texas Ranger," Norris is aging and cannot
get into his fight scenes too much anymore. He kicks a lot, and
people fly over furniture in slow motion, and then Norris gives all of
his line readings in that monotone voice of his. Oh, what a real
director might be able to fashion out of him! His brother, Aaron,
who has directed him in other films as well, has no sense of story
or momentum. Scenes are thrown in for ego's sake, not to
entertain. The scenes when the dynamic duo first meet Bezi drag
on and on, and then Bezi is not all that important to the rest of the
film.
The film was shot on location in Israel, which means the
Americans could insult the Israelis in person. There is not one
likeable Israeli character here. The Israeli police captain is a jerk.
The cops' driver does not know English, and Calvin convinces him
that the word "sh*tty" is a compliment. Nothing funnier than
mocking those stupid foreigners on their home turf, especially
when all this racist humor is coming from an American minority
who would have been more than offended if the tables were turned
and the Israeli cop was mocking the African-American cop in
Chicago.
This film is badly written, badly acted, and badly directed. It does
not work as action, cop drama, or even horror. It just shows that
the now defunct Cannon Studios was willing to throw their money
into anything, no matter how badly it was planned. "Hellbound" is
surely a most adequate title. I disliked this movie intensely.
This is rated (R) for physical violence, gun violence, strong
profanity, some sexual references, and some adult situations.



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