husband experimenting with open marriage
sparrow thinks it might have caught bird flu after puking seeds all morning
dozens of glowing exit signs mercilessly taunt multiplex employee
teen responsible for all six items in clarksburg police blotter
pentagon to surround self with pentagon decoys
epstein guards placed on disciplinary leave for allowing selves to be distracted by mischievous monkey that stole key ring
popes, ranked
toddler junkie immediately hooked on looking at trains after first exhilarating high
fast-talking computer hacker just has to break through encryption shield before uploading nano-virus
stealing tampons from office bathroom currently woman's only source of joy
u.s. general jealous that syrian army allowed to attack citizens
just when couple finally stops stressing about having a baby, they're still not pregnant
god completely fucked up after huffing gaseous planet
quiz: can you keep tony shalhoub entertained while he waits for your daughter to get ready for their date?
it was then that i carried you vs. bullshit, jesus, those are obviously my footprints
meaning of dream obvious to everyone else
local band expects things to take off following glowing write-up in soundandfury.wordpress.com
latest attack: the islamic state has reluctantly claimed credit for a crying man who threw a flip-flop at the presidential motorcade, missed, then shit his pants
wamu files for chaplev
new anti-abortion legislation requires doctors to scale 18-foot wall surrounding clinic
blushing brett kavanaugh admits he flattered christine blasey ford never forgot his laugh
houseguest just going to lie there until rest of house wakes up
body breaking down in totally different order than man expected
john legend said what?!
bush has one of those days where he feels like 68 percent of people hate him
taylor swift apparently now dating 'garfield' creator jim davis
sauce-spatter analysis allows investigators to reconstruct horrific, grisly consumption of meatball sub
news: taking charge: steve bannon volunteered to take a few shifts from the sniper on the white house roof
‘new york times’ corrects story by admitting they burned venezuela aid convoy
microsft bids $2.1 billion for milton berle joke file
barbaric fifth grader gouges paper onto binder ring without so much as hole punch
3-year-old terrified by sizzling fajita platter
weird girl you drunkenly fooled around with waiting outside door
women's prison riot feels gratuitous
man as surprised as anyone that he knows all the members of 'n sync
daisy ridley said what?!
congress establishes bill suggestion hotline
top 10 tv moments of 2014
new cheney memoir reveals he's going to live full, satisfied life without ever feeling remorse and there's nothing we can do about it
quiz: has it been an honor to serve with me?
excited white house staffer sends parents ‘new york times’ article quoting her as anonymous source
report: spider
kamikaze swimmers finally reach pearl harbor
somali pirates tow guy with stalled jet ski
investigation confirms nbc management had no knowledge of misconduct in matt lauer's network-sanctioned sex dungeon
man wakes from coma with ability to understand health insurance policy
unregistered horses meet under cover of darkness for kentucky street derby
mom uses full name to refer to bisquick impossibly easy cheeseburger pie™
fourth-grade teacher receives dark portent of coming storm from gnarled, haggard third-grade teacher
elderly man can't wait for senility to erase lifetime of regretful memories
pope francis working out at vatican gym wearing ‘sex abuse summit 2019’ t-shirt
u need seex? i am savannah i want seex please! help! 7829
6 of the world’s greatest writers explain how the... | clickhole
umass dartmouth beginning to regret offering course in applied domestic terrorism
after obama victory, shrieking white-hot sphere of pure rage early gop front-runner for 2016
ugh, so obnoxious: this guy just pulled out an acoustic guitar at a party and killed someone with it
trump approval rating surges to 98% immediately following nancy pelosi opening impeachment proceedings
olympic skier stares down icy, forbidding slope of rest of life
wqtreason! he found his wifewq
fascinating: the makers of cap’n crunch have revealed that the white thing on cap’n crunch’s face isn’t a mustache, they’re tusks because his parents were brother and sister
christian bale visits sikh temple victims
report: employers know within first 5 minutes of job interview whether they will murder applicant
wikipedia celebrates 750 years of american independence
jousting is great and all, but there’s got to be a better way for us to entertain ourselves that doesn’t involve riding a horse full-speed into someone and then getting hit by a huge wooden stick
failing memory fuses robert wuhl, kevin pollack into single entity
critics accuse joe biden of running for president for political reasons
hillary clinton appears before rally completely nude in bid for authenticity
life: something for everybody: chicago’s planetarium is adding an exhibit about andré the giant for people who aren’t interested in space
robert mueller begins thirteenth day undercover as white house janitor
federal reserve cites healthy economy in decision to have baby
i-90 adds lane for drivers traveling cross-country to stop woman from marrying wrong man
michelin introduces tires for women
jonathan franzen rushes over to guy on subway reading 'the corrections' to introduce himself
literary historians uncover collection of breezy, upbeat edgar allan poe writings penned after author took up jogging
man who bought 34th anniversary reissue of fleetwood mac's 'rumours' feeling like real idiot after passing display for 35th anniversary edition
a brilliant innovator: elon musk has announced he is currently developing a lemon with legs that can sprint to hungry people all over the world
warriors gm bob myers announces kevin durant tore achilles, clears him to play game 6
cyber monday retailers pull in record 700 terabytes of consumers' personal information
bush fishing for compliments during press conference
nfl scouting combine to phase out subjecting draft prospects to vivisection
hammered office depot manager thrown out of chili's
police officers waving everyone over to take a look at what happened to this guy
beachgoer tries to let the predator know there’s a tampon string hanging out of his bathing suit but the predator assumes she’s an attacker and maces her
report: authorities recommend the film 'you've got mail' for those snowed in today
trump: 'any shooting actually inspired by me would have left thousands dead'
new smithsonian exhibit details how fashion pioneers tamed the frumpy west
stack of unused cd-rs turns five
hurricane concerned it caught something in panama city, florida
showerin' real good continues to top bridal style trends of 2017
blog: this is an internet article about how arnold from ‘hey arnold!’ would be a republican and there’s nothing you can do to stop me
chicago police credit their extensive experience falsifying evidence for helping solve smollett case
meat prices skyrocket after cow smashing machine gets all beefed up
trump accidentally records over comey meeting tape with idea for candy hotel
heroic pit bull journeys 2,000 miles to attack owner
according to nutritional information, local man just had 16 servings of fritos
police satisfied after drunk man assures them there's no problem
blammo! when the bad man came into the house, the gun was use and it kill: his body
aging father struggling to keep family’s personal failings straight
god knocked unconscious by directtv satellite
fda cancels bacon recall after finding u.s. population already ate it all
lazy daredevil to lie across 12 couches
decades of breathing really starting to catch up with chinese man
frothing alex jones claims sexual harassment part of worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics
report: you know you are a fucking idiot, right?
private eye's office ransacked for fourth time this month
life: these letters between david bowie and stevie wonder show that they thought spider-man was the no. 1 threat to their careers
feminism disaster: this gorilla at the zoo clearly has, like, six wives
michael cohen completes first stage of intricate plan to break incarcerated brother out of prison from inside
report: 87% of goldman sachs employees began job with plans to take down company from inside
weird new cereal sets tone for first weekend at divorced dad's
history teacher has unusual favorite president
life: 5 pictures for my amateur photography class that accidentally captured shots of ufos, but i am really just looking for feedback on composition here
elaborate sentence construction facilitates omission of word 'boyfriend'
thousands return to unemployment following end of  writers strike
fingerprints on bathroom stall hopefully just menstrual blood
disciplinarian parent annoying restaurant much more than unruly toddler ever could
old onion vid
music compels weak man to dance
trump campaign denies doctoring photos showing him speaking to 1.8 million shooting victims at dayton hospital
what it costs to host the olympic games
fussy eater 38
area man pretty sure it's not broken
world wildlife fund donors receive refund after western black rhino goes extinct
nation's still-undecided voters: 'help, we can't get our car seatbelts off'
trump: ‘i am a very stupid human being’
coca-cola marketing strategist named new united states pr laureate
cricket located
kennedy curse sure taking its sweet time with rfk jr.
bush dies peacefully in his sleep
cnbc cameraman can't believe he's filming another blog off a computer monitor
man's relationship advice same as his hunting tips
equifax impressed by hackers' ability to ruin people's finances more efficiently than company can
new study reveals majority of americans want
corpses of 'lone ranger' producers hung from hollywood blvd. street lights as warning to others
ron paul elected ruler of planet inhabited by 1 billion tiny ron pauls
israel agrees to creation of palestinian homeroom
now that univision isn’t our corporate owner anymore, we’re free to rip into their dumbass logo
factory-farm-to-table restaurant proudly serves locally tortured animals
college roommates surprised to find dorm room has one king-size bed
trump touts success of singapore summit after securing $10 billion trade deal to sell nuclear warheads to north korea
area eyesore also a data technician
‘i don’t fit into any of corporate america’s little boxes,’ says single, 18-to-36-year-old hispanic female with brand loyalty to tom’s, chobani
study finds fewer americans than ever believe in snoopy
ronald mcdonald statue bears full brunt of teenagers' mockery
every way the u.s. can advance in the world cup
unclear whether grandpa having good time
pizza hut employee still hanging around after shift
mercy hospital turns away uninsured patient
newly discovered fossils reveal prehistoric humans were bony
biden forges president'€™s signature on executive order to make december dokken history month
20,000 sacrificed in annual blood offering to corporate america
area man, woman each have thorough list of why they should break up on standby
'i used to look up to you,' shouts anguished flynn jr. running out of room after learning father a perjurer
nasa issues formal apology for 1969 genocide of moon natives
woman bids farewell to former self before beginning new skin care regimen
stuff on floor
meat industry introduces new easy-tear perforated beef
fbi calls for increased surveillance powers to keep pace with evolving threat of presidential administrations
area man regrets investing in facebook
high school kicker finds it helpful to imagine football as object that needs to be kicked through goal posts in order to gain points
nobody in ukraine notices absence of government
calcutta fire marshal: many indian homes lack bride extinguisher
pepsico marketing mix-up results in $300 million lemon-lime doritos campaign
'new york times' apologizes for running anti-semitic comic strip 'shylock the shyster' for past 37 years
ganymede totalled in three-moon pileup
kanye west named new face of yeezy
plastic bag still up in tree
life: the trump boys are scrambling to clean up beer-soaked legislation after accidentally socializing healthcare during a rager they threw while their dad was gone
the case for and against zoos
news: taking action: the academy has built a well in hollywood that young actresses can whisper the name of their harasser into without fear of having their careers ended
you’re 8 years old. can you acquire wine without getting arrested?
new subreddit for writing clickhole-style content
new tech-support caste arises in india
area woman didn't say that; you said that
cameraman strikes gold with tubby fan eating ice cream, dancing, holding baby
man with big stick to lead russia
man holding hands with pregnant woman must have weird fetish
tips for getting out of debt
advertising executive gets in touch with inner-child demographic
blogger takes few moments every morning to decide whether to feel outraged, incensed, or shocked by day's news
incredible! this man successfully pretended not to see his coworker at the supermarket
kathryn bigelow - first woman to win oscar for best directress
harper lee announces third novel, 'my excellent caretaker deserves my entire fortune'
fbi can't bring themselves to bust guy torrenting every season of 'picket fences'
tough farewell: man tearfully cooks breakfast meats on the blazing hot asteroid that landed on his elderly mother
man on verge of self-realization instead turns to god
man returning from vacation settles on single concise anecdote he'll tell everyone who asks
lockheed martin engineer told to make it sear faces off faster
steven spielberg claims he dislikes black actors to get out of cannes jury duty
clinton gets full day's relief with one spray of flonase
upcoming election deduced from sports illustrated content
beijing air solidifies
security guard makes passing women feel unsafe
video: women tell period stories that hopefully toe the line between relatable to women and non-threatening for men
awkward tension mistaken for sexual tension
nation's poor bastards never even saw it coming
text message a bit curt
uncle greg to attempt comeback at family barbecue
only two segways in town collide
sensory homunculus diagram so fucking hot
man putting off starting family to focus on treading water in career for few years
supreme court allows corporations to run for political office
news: huge relief: russian officials can’t figure out which of the 50 things president trump screamed at them about isis and airplanes was classified information
club has big hit with closed-mic night
t.g.i. friday's executive chef recommends booze-on-meat-with-cheese thing
sugar ray thrilled to be playing in man's head
mugger can't believe crap victim has on mp3 player
grown man purchases 37th sailor moon figurine
dead teenager remembered for great hand jobs | the onion
denny's market researcher emerges from focus group shaken after finding out what americans really want for breakfast
man keeps memory of dead teen alive by making her center of elaborate political conspiracy theory
black man out of work
area man relieved friend's short story sucks
quick, painless death tops holiday wish list of local veal calf
fireworks accident blows off tip of florida
japan pledges to halt production of weirdo porn that makes people puke
second-grade class has no questions for visiting local historian
woman jealous of horse's eyelashes
so-called christian has erection
arizona high schools to now teach spanish entirely in english
increasingly obsessed robert mueller forces wife to dye hair blond, dress like ivanka
genie grants scalia strict constructionist interpretation of wish
frantic john kerry looks on as teresa slowly lowered into kim jong-un's electric eel tank
study: human anxiety highest when sitting in wrong seat at concert
8 touching pics of celebrities and their dads
u.s. refuses to allow u.n. weapons inspectors back into iraq
life: gumby fans rejoice! someone dressed as gumby is passed out on the side of the freeway in full view of passing traffic!
huckabee decries obamacare’s failure to help slow, cross-eyed cousin who got kicked by mule
two years ago, this man was 500 pounds. now he is two men who weigh 250 pounds.
birthday cards from grandma becoming more religious
bacon just one of sprint's new downloadable ring scents
american voices: trump campaign bans ‘washington post’ coverage
hundreds of miniature sean hannitys burst from roger ailes corpse
pope beatifies god in important step toward sainthood
no way to prevent this says only nation where this happens
experts advise against throwing laptop across office even though it will feel incredible
cnn opens up 24-hour anonymous tip line for anyone with synonyms for 'mueller closing in'
car passengers launch urgent, mid-street investigation into whether woman in parking spot coming or going
area man wins conversation
woman has drawn-on eyebrows, nose, eyes, mouth
elderly man looks even sadder when smiling
time magazine just six months from big cocktail-nation-craze story
grandmother classifies 79% of everything a shame
local student also a poet
'national geographic' increases ideological diversity by hiring first anti-tree-frog writer
wedding guest etiquette tips
offended customer's huffy walkout goes unnoticed
trump boys announce they will not hesitate to egg russia if provoked
doctor informs woman he's overweight
senate intelligence committee confirms from testimony that donald trump jr. has no knowledge
teen parents skip prom
gluten-free pancake mix just a bag of sand
report: modern-day pablo escobar smuggles one-hitter into music festival
isis member unsure whom to submit pto request to
russian olympic coach gently breaks news to hulking 200-pound gymnast that she won't be competing in south korea
aides clip toenails, wash hair of mumbling, bedsore-ridden trump as president enters 155th straight hour of watching cable news
life: this paramedic fell in love with a woman he rescued and now he has that leverage on her whenever they fight
outbreak of va-va-vooms traced to miniskirt-wearing blonde
more americans putting off marriage until ultimatum | the onion
world’s first vegan slaughterhouse! [baby-stepped approved]
man in center of political spectrum under impression he less obnoxious
dick cheney finally hunts down, kills man he shot in face in 2006
nation’s indigenous people confirm they don’t need special holiday, just large swaths of land returned immediately
how to solve a rubik's cube
steve king vehemently denies comparing immigrants to people
drunk driver honored
do you know why i’m pulling you over, being wildly aggressive, and charging you with assault today, sir?
hollywood removes statue of louis b. mayer beckoning judy garland to sit on his lap
congress can't remember last time it got together and legislated like this
lol the funniest onion article yet
facebook ‘ask’ feature lets friends inquire about relationships
nicaraguan diplomat drops deadly spider onto john kerry's blanket
william barr declares mueller investigation fully exonerates members of reagan administration from iran-contra involvement
clinton assures tim kaine she'll continue serving as president in event of her death
local homemaker fights to overcome rubbermaid™ addiction
postmaster general: 'letter carrier surge is working'
college senior holding out hope that internship will lead to class-action lawsuit
hillary clinton resumes attacking obama
area man up for anything except being the one who makes the decision
obama sinks family savings into developing presidential tabletop game
fan doubtful ‘solo: a star wars story’ can live up to denny’s blaster fire burger
jack palance still dead at 87
parents officially designate upstairs television for anyone who doesn’t want to watch thanksgiving football
governor lashes out against cheap scotch, poorly rolled cigars
'your father died peacefully in his sleep,' assures hospice nurse who spent past 6 months watching man wither away in agony
unlikely animal friendship! this 55-year-old man is dating a 23-year-old woman
leftover bugles still stuck to trump's fingers during bill signing
area ceo likes to think of family as small, close-knit business
paris vows to rebuild notre dame despite cosmic absurdity of seeking inherent meaning in fleeting creations of man
red lobster welcomes back 'defrosted shrimp days'
fact repeated as urban legend
should we allow human cloning?
newspapers piling up on dead homeowner's doorstep
fast-food purchase seething with unspoken class conflict
geologists say continents may have drifted apart after emotional falling-out
area man just realized he doesn't even know when barack obama's birthday is
mom apologizing for going through menopause
tv showdown expected as 'sleepy hollow' debuts tonight against hbo's 'ichabod,' tnt's 'headless horseman,' showtime's 'cloaked rider'
new study finds humans may have some capacity for compassion
embarrassed california firefighters realize they've been spraying flames this whole time
ridiculous small-business plan encouraged by friends
handwriting expert confirms killer used cursive
religious pamphlet sat on
beyoncé begins painful surgical transformation to prepare for role in live-action 'lion king' remake
life: there are 10 pictures of scarlett johansson in this list, but a true gentleman would only look at 3 or 4
life: we asked 22 fbi agents about the biggest plate of crab legs they ever had to eat to establish their cover
breakthrough drug eliminates crying in infants
pursued drunk driver crafts brilliant 'don't stop' plan
area man honored to have name in hat
drowning is the number two cause of death for young children. here’s how to make it number one.
report: you're supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you son of a bitch
jellyfish falls short of dream to kill diana nyad
husband chooses car based on lowest passenger-side impact rating
skeleton of mayan nerd dug from prehistoric locker
5 places where disney could have hidden sexual imagery in ‘the emperor’s new groove’ if it’d had the fuckin’ stones
12-year-old's christmas list demonstrates heartbreaking awareness of family's financial predicament
de blasio courts iowa voters by winning ‘largest candidate’ at polk county fair
nike unveils size-inclusive mannequin eating a 12-inch hoagie
bush told to sign birthday treaty for someone named 'kyoto'
your horoscopes — week of july 3, 2018
baltimore named city with best quality of pigeon life
peta protests use of animatronic animals in commercials
spend revenge website
writer unwilling to admit his screenplay perfect fit for justin long
area man coughs to let others know he's in bathroom
stanford offering free tuition to students whose families make less than $125,000
office cheering on employee going for 32-minute nonstop work streak
news: keeping jobs in america: trump has convinced an accordion player not to move to china
pet gerbil has been absolutely crushing it lately
autistic reporter, michael falk, enchanted by prison's rigid routine
cher's 'believe' now faintly audible everywhere in america
frustrated subway marketers scrap $150 million jeffrey epstein ad campaign
report finds j. geils band's 'centerfold' will outlast you and all that you create in this life
kidnapped teen freed, though freedom is its own kind of prison, is it not?
man who can't get enough mucus enjoying winter season
older brother playing with younger brother on swing set will one day con him out of $50,000
pope francis sneaks leftovers to false god moloch at back door of st. peter’s basilica
relationship reaches point where breaking up, getting married would be equally huge hassle
obama gently guides michelle’s hand as she maneuvers drone joystick
good samaritan: man shouts sex talk to boy stuck at bottom of well
historical archives: two feared dead in near-by child-birth
news: abuse of power: gop senators have allowed the dairy lobby to dip the tax bill in milk
how the iowa caucuses work
kitchenaid announces it will lift ban on selling mixers to unwed women
ape appointed banana czar
10-year-old yelling at mom to watch cannonball while she's trying to scope out younger men at pool
crowd feeling kind of silly now after spending all that time pleading rooftop sniper not to jump
area love knows only court-ordered bounds
27-year-old unsure whether he can pull off keeping framed picture of wife on desk
pathetic hands subject to man's every whim
report: 92% of americans would have gotten over ex by now
heartbreaking: kidnapper is forced to destroy his autographed michael jordan poster to get a ‘d’ for his ransom note
who the fuck is this?
child entertained for 5 minutes by plastic toy that will take 1,000 years to biodegrade
incredibly embarrassing: this guy got a gcal reminder to join isis right in the middle of a huge powerpoint in front of his company’s board of directors
audience at press conference relieved to hear steps will be taken
god demands cuter precious moments figurines
the master at her canvas: mom just brought in a pretty average-looking rock from the woods that she says she will use in a ‘project’
father sits teenage son down to explain how sex with mom works
man who forgot to buy valentine's day gift relieved to remember wife passed away years ago
nation wondering why struggling mental health system can't just pull itself together
department of transportation allocates $400 million for national shortcut
pros and cons of raising the minimum wage
the most underrated onion sketch in my honest opinion
least avid sports fan tasked with fetching the next round
town hall audience member asks clinton to quickly pivot away from his question and then state her platform
new documentary focuses on life of eva braun's late husband
dea seizes half-built suspension bridge from bogotá to miami
'wheel of fortune' contestants hit hard as vowel prices skyrocket
produce section bursts into laughter after will ferrell makes casual remark about apples
clickventure: you’re usain bolt. can you win gold in rio and catch the olympic strangler?
a beautiful story: guillermo del toro has mistaken a juggalo for an alien and taken him home to protect him from scientists
dennis miller deeply concerned about long-distance service
poll finds 30% of americans still undecided whether to vote out of fear or spite
bangladesh runs out of people
news: playing it safe: nate silver will spend the next month making easy predictions about apples in order to get his confidence back
taco bell's five ingredients combined in totally new way
heart attack a real wake-up call for man’s insurance provider
how dare you waste time looking at these cool surfing gifs while trump occupies the white house
beer aisle scanned for something asshole friend won't mock
brave woman enters restaurant without first looking it up online
hero cop receives hero's lap dance
berkeley campus on lockdown after loose pages from ‘wall street journal’ found on park bench
responsible gun owner keeps firearms safely locked away where only he can get them during mental breakdown
scott pruitt claims misappropriated epa funds would have only been wasted on dumb shit like clean water
boardroom begins to quake as black-eyed ceo announces vision for future of company
area man thinks girlfriend's sister might be a little cuter
sitcom on pbs assumed to be intellectual
andrew luck vows to bring indianapolis fans another great pizza ad
catholic teens still coming down after excitement of world youth day
god admits stealing idea for messiah from zoroastrianism
more cats made
britain plummets to lowest value in world since 1580s
bush tumbles wildly down washington monument staircase
this has never made any sense.
gunman kills 15 potential swing voters
man burning in hell wishes he hadn't snickered at religious leaflet
sci-fi fans argue the better of two as-yet-unreleased films
report: sky normal today
report: there nothing else in bottom of gift bag
ranking women somehow not issue in miss usa debacle
18-to-35 white, male demographic still searching for perfect way to quench its thirst
cackling trump reveals to dinner guests they’ve all just eaten single piece of his tax returns
elizabeth taylor watches cleopatra alone in dark
lindsey graham cowers behind tree trunk as trump’s hunting dogs close in
election day by the numbers
co-worker's drawer filled with toffee
campaign consultant presents scott walker several human sides to choose from
metallica board of directors debates whether new riff will have negative impact on shareholder value
absolutely beautiful: when this elderly woman fell down on the sidewalk, six different people jumped on top of her to protect her from meteors
addition of ketchup factored into calculation of french fry's final temperature
nra starts up their shit about what would be even greater injustice
new york's finest protect new york's richest
friend hosting super bowl party confirms there still plenty of room on floor
liberal feels like idiot for placing entirety of hopes on mueller probe instead of new york prosecutors’ investigation
man tinkering with anecdote set list before next date
rudy giuliani lays out legal framework that would keep him on tv for next couple years
e-cigarette users reporting having seizures to fda
virginia shooting somehow proves what every single american has been saying all along
cleveland ukrainian museum pulling out all stops to prepare for onrush of rnc visitors
area man still talking about crazy productive afternoon 4 months ago
trump team fires inauguration announcer
man in elevator in on conversation now
epstein associates distance selves by insisting they hadn’t used his child sex trafficking ring in years
'ass' finally inducted into video game hall of fame
working from home vs. working in an office
justice breyer unable to look at anything without deliberating constitutionality of it
beest for pleasure here...
sensitive scientists report 5 in 5 women don't know how beautiful they are
doll real estate agent glosses over giant hinged opening in middle of house
conspiracy theorist has elaborate explanation for why he's single
horrified nation wakes up on cyber monday to find amazon echo devices embedded beneath skin
cop explains how it feels to live every day in fear someone might record you brutalizing a civilian
confused zoo officials awkwardly celebrate after endangered panda gives birth to healthy northern white rhino
5-year-old figures he has a year left of peeing at urinals with his pants all the way down
romney promises any pennsylvanian who votes for him can have ann romney for one hour
school principal pauses for applause that never comes
everything we know about ‘pokémon sword and shield’
marine determined to win heart, mind of at least one iraqi
gop promises americans will be able to keep current medical conditions if obamacare repealed
latest austin powers movie opens in theaters
police chief says there just a few bad, deeply ingrained prejudices giving all cops a bad name
life: a changed man: richard dawkins has converted to christianity after watching one episode of ‘veggietales’
middlebury vermont town council continues 242-year tradition of american democracy with 4-1 vote to rezone lot for new popeyes
our nation's businessmen: are they just in it for the money?
innovative fat man combines waffles with ice cream
the onion looks back at 'jaws' - the story of a closeted homosexual whose fear of coming out to his friends and family manifests itself in the form of a bloodthirsty shark
michael jackson deposed as king of pop in hitless coup
gerrymandering mishap leaves nation without any borders whatsoever
new york times adds color to target under-70 demographic
little league coach reveals creepy method for breaking in baseball mitt
christian weightlifter bends iron bar to show power of god's love
end of soup season can't come soon enough for oft-burned tongue
new poll finds death of spouse most liberating experience in life
trump's switzerland trip cancelled as president deemed flight risk
scientists successfully create artificial placenta that tastes just as delicious as real one
report: it not hard at all to imagine your coworkers' supple, nude bodies
small town girl makes good porn
man who downloaded $2.99 meditation app prepares to enter lotus plane of eternal serenity
cheerleader given a 'd'
realtor was not expecting such hard-hitting questions about water pressure
how devos plans to change the department of education
conjoined twin hogging kidney
blood drains from mueller’s face after realizing russia investigation might go all the way to white house
climatologists say humanity's best hope is hurricanes spinning in different directions and canceling each other out
a summary of the gamergate movement that we will immediately change if any of its members find any details objectionable
news: clearing his name: congress has exonerated mark zuckerberg of all wrongdoing after he revealed that the winklevoss twins were the ones who really invented facebook
new mom self-conscious about scar where baby punched its way out of stomach
jussie smollett arrives in court wearing full-body cast
terminally ill serpent renounces symbolic ties with evil
‘ooh, right in the bean bag,’ says wincing surgeon through every step of vasectomy
over-hydrated terrier proud owner of six city blocks
breaking: situation worsens in venezuela, bolivia, u.s., japan, mexico, iraq, spain
life: our bad: these pictures of kristen wiig got corrupted but the file names mostly explain what’s happening
mar-a-lago staff apologizes for letting in guest they just assumed was high-powered lobbyist trying to buy influence
study finds college still more worthwhile than spending 4 years chained to  radiator
beauty industry exec keeps photo of crying 15-year-old girl on desk to remind himself why he does this
staffer investigating puddle of slime on floor looks up to discover coworker cocooned in bannon ooze
area man afraid some woman might come out of the woodwork to hold him accountable for something
area couple vows never to go dildo shopping while horny again
everyone in coffee shop billing for their time
yes! ham goes up an escalator
drought bad
eddie vedder finally goes away
shackled kerry looks on as chechen terror leader removes mask to reveal scarred face of former mentor
trump calls roseanne barr to congratulate her on comparing former white house aide to ape
man going to show up to launch of j.k. rowling's new book dressed as severus snape anyway
breaking: fuck, fuck, fuck, this got out of hand
hundreds of people exactly like manafort, cohen enjoy another day without any consequences whatsoever
blog: if my son and his friends are going to deface a jewish cemetery, i’d rather they do it safely at home
company hosts fun night for employees to get drunk and complain
they said what?!: find out what dr. ruth westheimer, j.k. simmons, and mark zuckerberg have to say
employee who likens self to tv's 'house' fired
israel: palestinians given ample time to evacuate to nearby bombing sites
dad suggests arriving at airport 14 hours early
john kerry scrambles to stop bunker’s self-destruct sequence as russian oligarch taunts him from bank of monitors
thousands of dismembered crash test dummies line newly discovered catacombs beneath ford motor plant
half-fabricated résumé still unimpressive
340 million social security numbers obtained by federal government in massive personal data breach
dysfunctional singles find each other
fans shocked after marie kondo reveals she has been dating untidy cupboard for past 6 months
‘i just want a substantive, issues-oriented democratic debate,’ lie thousands of americans hungry for unhinged trainwreck
gordon ramsay berates spoon for 45 minutes
dole makes pretend white house out of card table, sheet
lindsey graham dining alone at applebee’s kind of wishes protesters would come heckle him
why westerners join isis
report: ocean levels could rise foot or more if lots of people go swimming
automated teller has more personality than human teller
guy from the strokes accused of trying to look like guy from the strokes
report: keep reading and nobody gets hurt
unfinished basement has weird feeling about way woman looking at it
at least it’s been a while since story about somebody eating somebody else, reports violence-weary nation
police uncover talk-show-guest mill in rural kentucky
aspiring elitist moves to new york
found "the onion" in uncharted 4.
nation’s rich and powerful wondering when rest of americans will just give up
officials warn consumers of counterfeit tickets ahead of solar eclipse
it kind of sweet ceo thinks he doing good job
home depot employee can tell this customer's first attempt at pipe bomb
brown workers put company in the black
melania's heart sinks after realizing husband uses pet name 'horseface' for every woman he fucks
the only way to get over your fear of the moon is to walk on it
u.n. secretary general assumes someone already doing something about uighur internment camps
federal prison system retires mcveigh's number
mike pence vows to cut conservation funding after discovering elk don't mate for life
neverland ranch investigators discover corpse of real michael jackson
middle couch cushion has clearly had harder life
unpatriotic man does not maintain erection during national anthem
relationship experts say healthy couples should be renewing their vows 3 times a week
company president started out as fertilized embryo
nation's outfoxed sheriffs shake heads, throw hats in dirt
pope died as he lived: propped up for public viewing
god provides gift to women in form of marketing analyst bradley ennis
progressive charter school doesn’t have students
crowd at trump rally realizes they’ve been chanting ‘we are frightened and helpless’ for last half hour
breaking: sprinting college student might actually have chance at getting frisbee
republicans storm national statuary hall, demand to be allowed into elijah cummings’ casket
man nods his way to the top
everything in power done to appear interesting to attractive woman on subway
mind-blowing: these 7 common household items star... | clickhole
archaeologists discover site where desperate jesus christ turned tricks
mariachi band has no idea your mother just died
family figures grandpa never talks about wwii because nothing interesting happened to him
dancing wild man strikes again, badly shaken bar-goers report
5 questions: ‘finger skateboarding lets me skate in tiny places that i never could before’: 5 questions with tony hawk
study finds first life forms migrated to earth via interplanetary land bridge
ms-13 gang leader getting some pretty great ideas from watching ice work
target of future drone attack urges american intervention in syria
'people are inherently good,' world halfheartedly mutters
8 things that only people from your state understand
being a mom was the best four years of my life!
white supremacist living fulfilling racist life since getting kicked offline
tonight's dnc program to be just 3 hours of osama bin laden's blown-off face projected onto screen
mitch mcconnell reminds senators that they'll have to make up government shutdown days at end of year
wedding experts say engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners' lives
entirety of beat poetry audience just faking knowing what's happening
article: taking a stand: an ohio english teacher has removed all the n-words from ‘huckleberry finn’ and put them into mary shelley’s ‘frankenstein’
ghost of alvah roebuck enjoying the hell out of sears' decline
6 breathtaking images of outer space that put into perspective just how small, insignificant, and pitiful your dad is
sumerians look on in confusion as god creates world
nationwide sympathy pours in for traumatized cnn town hall survivor
nation admits it probably going to come out of this having learned completely wrong lessons
scientists finally prove what area dad has been saying for years
god admits he's way less strict with last few billion children
horatio sanz sweeps latin emmys
more bad news for democrats: ruth bader ginsburg has announced she is retiring from the supreme court to play miss hannigan in a community theater production of ‘annie’
pier 1 imports unveils new self-defense vase for smashing onto head of home invader
how to talk to your child about divorce
recently discovered 13,000-year-old footprints reveal humans danced the charleston earlier than first thought
dhs announces racial profiling free-for-all this sept. 11
creepy real estate listing really talking up size of crawlspaces
we gave this homeless man a haircut and a new wardrobe and now he really seems out of place at the shelter
breakup hints misinterpreted as marriage-proposal hints
north korea successfully detonates nuclear scientist
american people admit having facebook data stolen kind of worth it to watch that little fucker squirm
friends trying on each other's glasses revel in glorious mayhem of having slightly different prescriptions
chinese tv show canceled after drawing only 180 million viewers
retired factory worker had no idea earnings from '50s would have to support 3 generations of family
nikki haley: 'the u.s. will no longer sit idly by while iran continues to exist'
kanye west: 'i would've ridden away from a slave plantation on a motorcycle first chance i got'
apartment completely flooded with disgusting sunlight
coworkers brought to place of unthinkable intimacy by team-building exercise
obama a little creeped out by how much everyone in kenya celebrating reelection victory
new study finds humans experience greatest feelings of joy when pushing 'skip ad' button
kim jong-un panics after returning to north korea to find country's populace has escaped
bill belichick: the greatest asterisk in nfl history
area man settled for
get excited, children! it is cigarettes!
confusing roadside memorial features bicycle, rotary telephone, jug of some kind
pope francis reverses position on capitalism after seeing wide variety of american oreos
fbi warns of 'american dream' scam
bashar al-assad introduces syrian bike-sharing program
janice to register three; janice to register three
papa john’s comes under fire for cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate pizza sauce
doing the work for you: the new version of turbotax automatically calls your dad and asks him a bunch of questions
son's black market value checked online
10 cat gifs for the blind
random uncle's wife crying a bunch throughout grandma's funeral
underworld health organization launches initiative to improve incubus immortality rate
entire treasury department competing for same goldman sachs job opening
life: faith rewarded! this man went to church every day for 20 years and god let him die in an awesome speedboat accident
fridge magnet a constant reminder of arizona's existence
31-year-old now the only one of his friends who hasn't gotten married, divorced
snow shoveling tips
herculean effort, astronomical expense lead to photo of whole family at disney world
u.s. government opens special 5,000-acre area where americans can go blow off steam
copycat criminals continue to mimic liquor store robbery from 1822
girlfriend overdoses on lotion
‘leaking sure is cool, huh, guys?’ says disguised john kelly to white house aides
heartwarming: these awesome teen volunteers call nursing home residents once a week to remind them about swamps
powerful protest: an anti-animal activist group just snuck 3 orcas into seaworld
proposed legislation offers citizenship to immigrants who can play piano so good it makes everyone cry
state department warns americans traveling abroad to avoid lame amsterdam windmill tour
mother surprised son needs so much ammunition for first day of school
exhausted olympian finally decides to rent pyeongchang hotel room instead of flying home to america each night
pfizer denies encouraging drug abuse by packaging fentanyl with cooking spoon, lighter
experts warn climate change will increase incidences of stepping into puddle and getting whole goddamn foot soaking wet
al-qaeda member wistfully recalls time when radicalization done face-to-face rather than online
humble ascetic declines in-flight beverage service
wedding dj finally gets the chance to listen to some black eyed peas on his own time
mike pence breaks out formal altar boy robes for state of the union address
area man never in mood to do things he hasn't done before
mike pence disappointed in the 200,000 husbands and fathers who permitted women to attend march
seagull with diarrhea barely makes it to crowded beach in time
puppy dies adorable death
vegetarian option just iceberg lettuce on bread
news: jumping the gun: this man just told his kids to call his friend ‘uncle jeff’ even though they’ve only been friends for 2 weeks
orca's successful trick rewarded with bucket of ssris
poll: 78% of americans hope cataclysmic event wiping out humanity will have big tidal wave
trump holds strategy meeting with campaign’s top militia leaders ahead of election day
sanders campaign headquarters smashed up by gang of pinkerton union busters
new bin laden tape contains three previously unreleased monologues
life: don’t get fooled: 7 tricks realtors use to sell houses
heartless dutch curators put deranged scrawlings of mentally ill suicide victim on full display for world to mock
bandai recalls lady gaga
miss america pageant adds sweatpants and messy bun competition
my grandfather came to this country with nothing but his juicy couture sweatpants and the perfect ass to fill those things out
fucker riding man's ass whole way out to cleveland
magical gallery transforms dull objects into art
nobel prize in chemistry awarded to taft middle school teacher mr. ambler
parody movie script one crotch-hitting joke short of being greenlit
white house staff forced to tape together presidential records ripped apart by trump
doctor just uses same ultrasound picture for every baby
man confidently hits 'send' on worst job application company has ever seen
obama family adopts 44-year-old portuguese water man
crisis in the church: pope francis apparently doesn’t realize everyone can see him if he gets naked inside the glass booth in the popemobile
iraq beheading videos enter summer reruns
oatmeal variety pack has only 'regular' flavor left
personals ad omits goiter
scientists isolate gene simmons
trump hacks through thick central american jungle in search of entirely new ethnic group to demonize
philly cheesesteak either perfect or disgusting
school for the blind has huge empty grass field out front
motorcyclists riding 2-wide in lane right next to you probably know what they're doing
restaurant patron seeking corroboration that soda is not diet
alcohol only thing making operating heavy machinery bearable
man from future can't stop living in the less-far-into-the-future
abraham lincoln's dna now available over the counter
unstable man plots to bring guns to schools
historical archives: sing ho! for the king of broil'd meats
rat fancy magazine fails to catch on
alex jones struggling to convince skeptical police after witnessing actual murder in neighbor’s backyard
cleveland indians owner admits chief wahoo no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations
fcc sentences artie lange to death
7 sloths who are almost too adorable to throw off the top of the chrysler building
giuliani: 'let's just start everything over'
good charlotte recording 10 new songs to be played at low volume in p.f. chang's
big-hair lady loves jesus
heroic cancer sufferer inspires others to get cancer
gop claims kavanaugh shouldn't lose appointment for youthful indiscretion of repeatedly lying under oath
video: heartwarming: woman makes out with man who got her father’s heart transplant
report: guy on bench going to town on meatball sub
nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at six flags | the onion - america's finest news source
director seeking relatively unknown actress for next affair
news: playing cupid: barron trump has tricked donald trump and stormy daniels into showing up to the same romantic dinner in hopes they get back together
russian nuclear weapons laid out for sale on sidewalk
single nurse can't help but notice man isolated for ebola not wearing a ring
michael phelps returns to his tank at sea world
biologists confirm foxes sneakiest little fuckers in animal kingdom
prince harry gets old suit tailored to wear to wedding
chili dog, cheddar fries caught in area beard
foot-long hoagie used as ruler
why does it seem like movie ratings are harder on willem dafoe sex than willem dafoe violence?
mother considers son 'quite the little casanova'
war criminal a grandpa
man bitten by radioactive sloth does the lying-around-all-day of 10 normal men
garroting survivors call for wire ban
former conservative recalls belittling tirade from college student that brought him over to left
not snowing over here, man on phone reports
baby bjorn unveils new infant bandolier for parents of multiples
9-foot-tall bernie sanders greets supporters after session with posture coach
it pretty obvious what friend will look like old
horrifying police body camera footage clearly shows current state of america
woman attempting to cultivate self-love forced to start completely from scratch after photo where nose looks kind of weird
patrick stewart said what?!
bachmann: ‘muslims invented global warming’ to destroy u.s. economy
amazon to open grocery store without checkout to public
sun dreading rising today
news: incompetent leadership: donald trump’s body doubles only have arms and heads
real life magic school bus flies through human body
doctor quickly scribbles prescription that will lead to 30-year battle with painkiller addiction
al roker strongly considers retiring from creating the weather
man who said 'yes' to life found with mountain bike at bottom of gorge
justin bieber recovering in intensive care unit after being badly booed
rubio campaign hires new candidate in top-level staff shakeup
epa unveils plan to improve conditions for nation's sludge
stephen a. smith retreats to tranquil, secluded fig tree to contemplate on meaning of nfl week one
white house graciously accepts saudi prince's thank-you gift of severed yemeni head
breaking: hot damn, 500 smackers!
ceiling fan transforms apartment without air conditioning into frosty wonderland
preview: ‘the last of us part ii’ will explore ellie’s character growth as she focuses on self-care by hiking and taking a pottery class after realizing she can’t control the infected around her
gop statisticians develop new branch of math to formulate scenarios in which trump doesn’t win nomination
life: you go, girl! when this woman’s husband left her for a younger woman, she lost 80 pounds and killed them both
trip to office kitchen hastily altered to trip to bathroom to evade despised coworker
god announces successful test of first category 7 hurricane
woman on first date feels like she could spend whole life in uncomfortable silence with this man
chicago st. patrick's day parade finally lifts ban on snakes
disgusted robert mueller eats 2 20-piece chicken mcnugget meals in one sitting in attempt to get into trump’s mind
ibm closes jew-tracking division after decades of declining revenue
you can just push shit in back seat out of way
eminem horrified upon being informed that 'faggot' actually a harmful gay slur
obama fantasizes about ordering drone strike against self on last day of presidency
germs depicted with menacing little faces
rick santorum relieved no one has asked him about interracial marriage yet
nra releases downloadable blueprints for first 3d-printed gun lobbyists
roommate all into cycling now
hospital gift shop figures it can soak 'em for 30 on the 'i'm thinking of you' teddy bear
mayan calendar warns of cataclysmic roland emmerich film on nov. 13
report: more television viewers becoming desensitized to drama
wrinkle-free pants didn't think they'd be tested quite this much
baby-faced, muscular jimmy carter tells democratic convention the future of medicine is bright
study finds people on dates know within 30 seconds if other person is newt gingrich
kevin bacon talking about his band approved as prescription sedative
express-lane cashier confirms her nails are real
white house unveils lightly edited memorandum of u.s. constitution that specifically declares trump’s innocence
satan to revise bar code system
report: no one currently thinking about you
death of 12 schoolchildren makes perfect sense
'i must make sure you have the skills to please my grandson,' says queen elizabeth disrobing before meghan markle
life: 7 sausages the national park service has hidden somewhere in yellowstone for people to find
report: no one at white castle wants to make friends
nation fondly recalls when just regulating video games seemed like solution to gun violence
frustrated republicans argue pope should leave science to scientists who deny climate change
video: absolutely beautiful: watch this woman tell her husband she’s pregnant while conan o’brien pours good milk down the sink
cholera outbreak makes americans glad they don't live in africa
woman would have had awesome time aborting fetus if it weren't for angry protestors screaming outside clinic
the trump white house’s fourth of july celebration schedule
blog: as an ice agent, the best part of my job is getting to work with children
party guest figures bedroom dresser probably where host wants everyone to leave empty cans
woman rearranging condiments in refrigerator door like puzzle in ancient tomb
report: mothers not paying attention to 80% of cool things nation’s boys do
bachelorette party saved by actual firemen
japanese businessman found hiding on golf course thinks mid-'80s economic boom still going on
rising income inequality causing wealthy americans to take on second sailboat
man starting to think only reason people hanging out with him because they all on same jury
detective refuses to pry into circumstances of murder out of respect for deceased
literary study finds all modern narratives derived from classic ‘alien vs. predator’ conflict
supreme court debuts new spaghetti strap sun-robes for spring
officials threatening to arrest citizens who repair roadz
fidel castro dies
flea market vendor could possibly let unidentifiable lump go for $15
report: universe to end next friday
aide interrupts event to inform bush about 10th anniversary of 9/11
the onion’s guide to twitch
company in crisis: netflix’s stock is plummeting as more americans discover the simple joy of ant farms
flight attendant licks her lips as traveler approaches gate with large suitcase
president donald trump: the first 100 days
southern poverty law center admits they have no idea how dannon yogurt company got on annual list of hate groups
wife unfazed by husband's sad e-mails to other women
street harasser haunted by woman who got away with dignity intact
study finds eating doctor after birth can provide essential nutrients to new mothers
eco-conscious hotel lets guests decide whether they want room's towels washed before next guests arrive
director's commentary for one night at mccool's trails off after 20 minutes
romney volunteers going door-to-door to let obama supporters know president's dead
wv: state legislators look into proposing a fine for texting while walking
wealthy teen nearly experiences consequence
horse sprinting around track in rubber raincoat trying to make weight
obama returns from trade summit with 5 stout ships full of cardamom, silk, and indigo
high school student taking rejection from first-choice college in stride as if future not over
new music festival just large empty field to do drugs in
wine glasses, burnt-down candles, strewn rose petals suggest dolphins courting pete carroll
shocking ‘game of thrones’ finale concludes with arrest of 5 million viewers for piracy
not very scary, honestly: this little girl is possessed by the spirit of a normal guy
single fat kid takes 50 years off jungle gym's life
parents spend first 4 years of child's life fluctuating wildly between hoping child stays asleep, hoping child wakes up
world's worst person decides to go into marketing
sephora makeup artist helping woman create the perfect pink eye
‘first date going really well,’ thinks man who hasn't stopped talking yet
detroit begs nation to just give it something, anything, to manufacture
life: when this man lost his job, he didn’t know what to do—3 years later, he co-owns a dinner jacket
ünited stätes toughens image with umlauts
people apparently been using rest stop barbecue pit
impossible to tell if frazzled woman in walgreens uniform going to or coming from work
major breakthrough: ibm claims that by 2020 watson will learn the difference between lame whale facts and cool whale facts
breaking: adam got a ps4 for christmas
putin condemns ukrainian people's unprovoked 1,000-year occupation of south russia
furious maitre d' can only assume hostess didn't realize she was addressing everlast
in the hospital? play this video at maximum volume to make the patient on the other side of the curtain think you’re currently receiving a visit from john leguizamo
butterball releases new travel-size turkey
report: economy must be doing pretty well if entire season of ‘bones’ online for free
many senators developing simple tools for governing
‘wall street journal’ reintroduces nudes after failed yearlong experiment
how to protect yourself against ebola
struggling amtrak to discontinue mysterious late-night trains to spirit realm
brexit could be delayed until 2021
repopulation of africa begins
female friends spend raucous night validating the living shit out of each other
mom really funny today
russian olympic officials concerned after learning team’s clean urine reservoir almost empty
national debt to rise to $29 trillion by 2020
bush, loafers thrown at him reunite on nbc for 10-year anniversary special
man has loyalty to pretzel brand
sheryl sandberg’s mit commencement address clearly references personal data of individual graduating students
dye pack foils art thief
man who enjoys popular rock songs discovers perfect radio station
d.c. authorities struggling to keep squatters out of empty state department
baby new year abandoned in street
gop-controlled wisconsin legislature votes to dissolve state rather than let democrats have it
monster at end of book claims life of tv's grover
mop used to clean minor spill now permanent addition to living room
nation unable to discern why unattractive woman on screen
electoral college does what it was either designed to do or explicitly designed to prevent
consumers now required to seek treasury department approval on all purchases over $50
report: it would probably be nice having friends
movie theater security reports suspicious behavior after patron buys ticket to ‘gemini man’
chemistry teacher encouraging students to fuck around with bunsen burners in last-ditch effort to prove science is cool
george w. bush debuts new paintings of dogs, friends, ghost of iraqi child that follows him everywhere
patriothole: hell yes, baby, it is the special choo-choo medicine called coal! the patriotic vegetable that comes from mountains!!!
gap closures to leave americans with fewer places to buy pants for friend’s wedding at last second
trump warns china not to underestimate his willingness to sacrifice every american's well-being
man only has himself to blame for what's in targeted banner ad
16 things i’ll miss about being in congress
study: uneducated outbreeding intelligentsia 2-to-1
local senior keeps busy with obituary-clipping hobby
news: life after the white house: obama just launched his first drone strike as a civilian
stanley introduces new sawed-off hot glue shotgun
god announces plans to take a few millennia to focus on storms
shrimp would be pissed if he could see the lame party he's going to be served at
world wildlife fund apologizes after years of working with well-known whale pedophile
economists gently suggest american manufacturing maybe start again with something simple like a ball
kremlin agent not even going to bother trying to compromise trump staffer who will be forced to resign in few months
man wouldn't be eating at red robin if he knew bus was going to hit him in 18 minutes
subway drops jared fogle as spokesperson
largemouth bass has largemouth sass!
this actually good news, contractor reveals, because now you know the real problem
pool cues go unused in disappointing bar fight
editors of '401 best soups' cookbook still fighting
life: 6 ways to get your parents to renounce christ so that you can have heaven all to yourself
in the know: has halloween become overcommercialized?
area woman said ‘sorry’ 118 times yesterday
man with shirt off terrifies community | the onion - america's finest news source
sudanese 14-year-old has midlife crisis
friend dishonorably discharged from navigation duties after missing exit
reagan's body dies
life: heartbreaking: this elderly woman’s family thinks she’s lying about the fact that alf is a janitor at her nursing home and sometimes bullies her
report: apocalypse actually happened 3 years ago
supporters praise trump for upholding traditional american value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain
boy loses leg in totally awesome shark attack
balloon deliveryman forced to take bus
need proof of an afterlife? this kid stayed there.
pr disaster: nike is under fire after it released an ad featuring a photo of colin kaepernick that was way too close up
owner of independent comic book store in ohio not quite sure how he's still in business
report: nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned ham and cheese sandwich
researchers find that spanking your children is incredibly fun
mars probe destroyed by orbiting spielberg-gates space palace
‘heed my tragic story well, friends, for you could just as easily be me,’ says chris christie in haunting rnc speech
father spends joyful afternoon throwing son around backyard
awestruck video-game fan describes brush with playstation 2
sat found to be biased in favor of non-hungover
daddy issues worked out on dance floor
mcdonald's prints calorie count right onto meat
area man always carbo-loading just in case
$500 million upgrade planned for willis tower
barber just latest in string of humans to feign interest in what area man says
report: majority of married people get up and go to second family’s house as soon as spouse asleep
nfl vows to fix bottomless pit on levi’s stadium field before super bowl
herbie goes bananas
world covers ears, chants loudly as epa releases ozone-depletion statistics
blog: you never fully understand what it’s like to have a child with autism until you see one at the park and then speculate about it with your spouse later that night
description of hot-dog ingredients fails to ruin picnic
rapture wreaks havoc on local book club
concerned nra official rushes out to purchase congressman following mass shooting
biden's buffalo wing challenge dinner not sitting too well
nude aides huddled around trump assure him no one wearing wire
eagles fan admits u.s. bank stadium has nicest seats he’s puked on
hollywood quietly shuts down after realizing that entertainment a delicate matter of subjective opinion
news: remembering a legend: los angeles police have issued an honorary amber alert for gene wilder
philadelphia to become directv, pa after cream cheese manufacturer loses naming rights
nato admits slovenia, mummenschanz, czech republic
it sadly unclear whether this article will put lives at risk | the onion
national forest service recommends campers tie up their food to avoid attracting other visitors
bathroom smells like shit
man cites nature as inspiration for random cruelty
johnson & johnson hoping brand won't be tarnished if they dip into lethal injection game
nra warns banning assault weapons would infringe on americans’ constitutional right to make them all pay
no one at porn site responding to area man's bad link report
epa reveals 37% of water waste nationwide caused by husky kids doing cannonball into country club pool
man on rolling swivel chair pushes away from desk like blue angel breaking formation
concert crowd worried singer who stepped away from mic won't make it back in time for chorus
enchanted by own innocence, michael jackson molests self
dog named murph lives up to name
bold employee just watching videos during meeting with sound on
taylor swift unveils even darker persona with new single 'skullfucking maggot shit boyfriend'
pentagon officials listen in silence as mike pence details plans for angel-guided defense weapons system
goddamn findings fail to support researcher's hypothesis
obamacare helps uninsured americans become blindingly enraged at insurance companies
news: sad time for america: even the jocks are taking this active shooter drill seriously
swiss threaten ricola embargo
news: back at the helm: steve jobs returned to work at apple today after the holistic medicine he was taking kicked in
heartwarming: when this terminally ill 6-year-old wanted to run for president, thousands got together and made it happen
royal wedding watch: it is unclear whether the guy yelling ‘get a load of this jackass!’ every time someone walks into the church is an official part of the ceremony
study: 90% of all meowing comes from owners trying to get cats to meow back
quaker scientists formulate world's oldest-fashioned oatmeal
blog: in a news cycle saturated with mass shootings, it’s becoming harder and harder to stand out as a deranged gunman
man's area code provides exciting glimpse at past life
perverted creep keeps asking women what they’re wearing
ride mis-pimped
nation's women clarify they harbor no secret desire to see colleagues', acquaintances', strangers' genitals
breaking: friend who just got motorcycle already dead
hackers access children’s names, photos in vtech breach
sweating cornnuts vp stammers way through pitch for 'nutsarito' at taco bell
couple never dreamed they would be able to talk so openly, honestly about cabinets
melania trump's plane forced to make emergency landing after smoke begins billowing out of first lady
tips for last-minute test cramming
woman flattered complete stranger would say something so nice about her tits
nation still reeling from mega-success of 'mr. popper's penguins'
nation about due for big cult suicide
report: girl who called you a slut in high school posting passionate status about women's march
clickhole sneaks a reference to the ellen pao resignation petition into an article
porn star doesn't want to direct
high school history textbook concludes with little blurb about last 40 years
news: a miscarriage of justice: a shocking study has found that as many as 1 in 10 people burned at the stake for witchcraft is falsely accused
as a failure, i’ve learned to appreciate the little things in life
extraordinary discovery: paleontologists have unearthed the world’s first single-boned dinosaur
world's supermodels form hall of justice to protect ordinary models
washington post offers non-subscribers 10 free articles to fact check per month
the onion reviews ‘an inconvenient sequel: truth to power’
report: ugh, no one would care anyway
study: majority of americans fantasize about other countries during national anthem
lazy fda approves x-ray vision pills
loophole in curse lets archaeologist off the hook
craigslist server contracts hpv
life: 6 diy wedding ideas that can save you money if your time is worth nothing
new ford pickup features extendable tailgate for teens getting pregnant beneath fireworks display
yellowstone park attempts to increase ranger population with new mating program
pope asks to be taken off list of world's 100 richest people
tv viewer relates to totally unbelievable character that could never exist in reality
compilation of all the best onion articles of all time (as voted on by reddit)
life: stick to these 7 acceptable phrases to say at the funeral of a person who died during a mild thunderstorm
the pros and cons of trophy hunting
pakistani-american thrilled to see more people who could feasibly pass for his nationality on screen
aspiring actor dreams of one day publicly voicing regret for working with woody allen
senator trying to make long-distance relationship work with constituency back home
man escapes eritrean civil war to clean martini puke from back of taxi
study finds 'missionary,' 'in love' most popular porn search terms
'jurassic world 2' to feature more scientifically accurate jeff goldblum
life: heartwarming: when the local library was about to close, everyone in town donated coins from their private stashes of nazi gold
bp ready to resume oil spilling
double amputee proves he is capable of anything
teen worried about friend who tried pot
men whose beautiful wives died on christmas 10 years ago announce plans to drink whiskey alone in dark apartment
report: nation getting out all its aggression during monthly calls to wireless provider to fix service
obama talks about anal
feminism in action! justin trudeau just completed a 3-week fast in honor of the vagina
7 differences between the tv version of the world cup and the novel
life: gym teachers ranked by how important they feel the follow-through motion is in basketball
kellyanne conway: 'i always liked hope hicks' skin, her unblemished supple skin, pure, tasty skin'
person standing far away from burial must have deep, dark secret about deceased
frantic, last-second study finds old-fashioned donut better for you than bavarian cream
charity notes even one dollar can help a needy child but you'd have to be a dick to give that little
kate upton is engaged and you played game of war for nothing
michelle obama, hillary clinton, barbara bush hit d.c. bar scene for first ladies night specials
guy totally looked like chick from behind
partially faded hand stamp undermining everything prosecutor says
study: 80 percent of all hermits recovering from broken hearts
er doctor secretly thinks of self as ward's george clooney
gingrich desperately trying to court people-who-vote vote
depressed cat just going through motions of destroying couch
nation thankful that shellie dean zimmerman was charged with perjury at least
man briefly forgets hotel staff are not humans
incredible humility: warren buffett just revealed that he always flies cargo instead of first class
extravagant new window blinds inspired by the latest styles from venice
experts say best option now is keeping nation as comfortable as possible till end
biden campaign concerned after candidate gives unsolicited back rub to coat rack
serial killer remembers neighbors as quiet, unsuspecting
study finds that all the worst people will outlive you
report: nation's concept of breakfast rapidly deteriorating
news: inclusivity win! mr. incredible will be played by an asian-american in an upcoming ‘the incredibles’ porn parody
trump invites supporter, bbc cameraman to finish altercation at white house
fun toy banned because of three stupid dead kids
study: use of phrase 'don't skimp on the' linked to heart disease
catholic church brings in new perspective on solving abuse scandal with appointment of toddler bishop
stock analysts confused, frightened by boar market
it’s beautiful. and it’s all for her.
grotesque child born with only 99% normal human dna
texas schools to no longer teach students about autoerotic asphyxiation
‘america needs to dream bigger,’ declares aaron sorkin to burberry employee who informed him coat he wanted out of stock
gop gasps as red-eyed shadow counsel smashes out of gestation tank
toddlers debate whether 'dora's explorer girls' canon or expanded universe
herpetologist names son after famous herpetologist
vicious, man-eating carnivores on decline in arctic
childhood friend stops writing after two e-mails
report: majority of mothers would drop kids off at warehouse called ‘fun zone’ for hour of free time, no questions asked
report: majority of americans know which youtube clip they'll post following dustin hoffman's death
marine hopes to spend second tour of duty on different baghdad city block
frustrated hope hicks wishing she could find one nice guy in this autocratic personality cult
old man's son also old man
obama undertakes presidential internship
'what were we talking about again?' says trump 15 seconds into phone call to family of fallen soldier
woman ejected from bed in cracker-eating incident
william barr assures senate he will let donald trump finish his job without any interference
steve bannon's inflamed liver pulsing visibly through shirt during strategy meeting
report: more companies offering paid maternity leave to mothers who complete 3 months of work ahead of time
nation’s pansies announce plan to slowly acclimate to pool
26-year-old feeling self-conscious after seeing all his friends fail slightly less than him
prosthetic arm stuck in vending machine
area man lies awake at night worrying about toner cartridges
entire meal prep for week eaten by tuesday
spaced-out flower child groovin' on a doobie wave
victim of mall shooting determined not to die in yankee candle
poll: 85% of americans would like to see candidates compete in funny obstacle course
pentagon report concludes too many soldiers have same nickname
special pull-out section: rural illinois' sexist moms
paul ryan mentally logs 4,613th missed opportunity to put stop to all of this
georgia election worker assures black man ballot scanner supposed to sound like shredder
clinton reminds new yorkers she moved there hoping career dreams would work out too
congress spotted leaving gay nightclub
tourist experiences city by buying used cds
nation's idiots announce plans to jump off their roofs into a pile of snow and break their fucking legs
t.j. miller arrested for alleged fake bomb threat
it impossible to tell what sounds will freak out cat
well-meaning mouse wouldn't really call self a 'pest,' per se
area doctor: 'mylanta'
barack obama names alan moore official white house biographer
coach’s un-athletic son going to get fucking reamed after game for dropping fly ball
heat wave forces johnny cash to don black shorts
u.s. council of coolness releases formal statement on prince
churchgoing widows: what gets them hot?
freedom-wielding high schooler freedoms down 16 classmates in latest mass freedoming
mild sexual harassment ignored to save the hassle
2012 seniors thunder into high school's parking lot like coalition forces entering baghdad
40-foot american flag pin welded to statue of liberty
claire danes fantasized about
tim kaine's children: tim kaine could be vice president of lameness, maybe
prizes on price is right looking better as man ages
charles koch orders sniper to fire warning shot next to marco rubio on debate stage
this site likel1y contains sexxxually expliicit photoos of someeone you know! khm..aio
blog: one day i will understand basketball (by jack nicholson)
hang-glider gang terrorizes elderly hot-air-ballooning couple
white house press secretary responds to question about rising obamacare premiums with torrent of toxic spray from parotid glands
america not sure it will have enough revulsion and horror left for cabinet, court appointments
poll: 89% of illegal immigrants would prefer path to corporate status
biden now a purple belt
'paw patrol' writers defend episode where german shepherd cop shoots unarmed black lab 17 times in back
inspiring: david attenborough just told a class of second-graders that any of them could grow up to stare at animals and describe what they’re doing
national security experts: ‘isis are fucking assholes
lindsay wagner to star in anything offered her
biblical scholars find evidence church covered up for 3 wise men who molested baby jesus
man listening to 'highway to hell' actually on parkway to waukegan
american public gets exactly what it deserves for 112th straight election
poll: 99% of human beings would prefer big, slobbery hound dog pope
romney enchants nation with lovely concession song
polite disney world guest decides not to bother mickey mouse for picture
obama increases sense of urgency by riding last white rhino on earth through climate talk
security guards chase naked usa fan around white house
quiz: can you redeem count dooku in the eyes of your father-in-law?
breakup letter taped to baby
dad from 2150 can't get enough iraq war documentaries
nhl fans claim hockey way more fun if you there in person, on ice playing game
mexico announces plans to refry over 700 million beans
planet fitness offering new lights-off hour so no one can watch you work out
life: ‘i would unhinge my jaw and devour harvey weinstein in a single bite’: 5 questions with meryl streep
man ruthlessly scolds other man online for having opinion he held less than 2 years ago
no one has heart to ask human beat box to stop
top 5 uses of artificial intelligence
paul ryan announces new congress sexual harassment training will create safe work atmosphere, plausible deniability
taco bell employee somehow dressed down by manager
'it's like you're hearing me but you're not listening to me,' says man to representative on oscar mayer customer service hotline
election night orgy shifts positions so everyone can see results come in
report: nobody fucking cares
cooking class instructor can already tell which couples signed up based on marriage counselor’s recommendation
word 'millennials' forced into headline to boost pageviews
nation wonders how ad guys from vitaminwater do it
news: sending a message: following the russian lawyer scandal, nike has pulled its $125 million endorsement deal with donald trump jr.
mar-a-lago caddy injures shoulder carrying heavy set of classified national security briefings around golf course
mta reveals they have no idea where voices speaking to everyone on subway coming from
lunatic realizes thing he screamed in middle of street earlier not entirely true
leather-jacketed congressman makes up his own rules
hr sends out reminder email about not scrawling ‘revenge’ in blood in conference room
open-minded man grimly realizes how much life he's wasted listening to bullshit
airline food under fire from area comedian
'now that's what i call a fumble,' reports man at super bowl party who has no idea what he's talking about
area woman dumped on 15-week anniversary
mild mild west: ‘red dead online’ isn’t worth playing since you can see real horses at the zoo
literary theorists admit they still have no idea what animal farm about
kite flyer in the zone
trip to bar gives friends opportunity to sit around, do nothing in different place
man reluctantly deletes video of friend trying to vault mailbox to clear data space for child's birth
25-pound ham wedged in parents' refrigerator
man scolded by brother-in-law for not taking better advantage of open bar
face it: things can’t be going well for you if you’re turning to this list of people who found success later in life for comfort
russian officials scrambling as plan to delegitimize western democracy moving way faster than intended
gas station clerk glad to see pump 2 doing so well today
nypd lets suspicious man go after only finding 'catcher in the rye' in backpack
marine corps shortens slogan to 'the few'
area gambler likes those odds
morton unveils individually wrapped salt grains
personal assistant called after scary dream
woman worried she doing bad job enjoying massage
news: good to know: taylor swift just made it painstakingly clear that she would never date dave franco, nor would she ever have any interest in meeting him, nor would she feel any sadness if she heard he died
congress concerned about weirdo senator's increasingly violent legislation
man with food in beard saying something about climate change
trump condemns white house staffers’ use of secret recording studio
cdc rolls out fleet of narcan biplanes to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns
desperate pbs premieres nova: boobs a-bouncin'
fresca quietly takes control of 18-34 demographic in daring overnight raid
lovestruck arabian princess begs father to spare john kerry's life
housefly drops everything to go stand on watermelon slice
area man's pop-culture references stop at 1988
news: changing the game: ryan lochte drastically reduced his 200-meter time by becoming as long as the pool
rare species of frog may hold cure to...ah, never mind, it's extinct
astronomers discover previously unknown cluster of nothingness in deep space
wheelchair-basketball players stunned by thunderous slam dunk
dead deer by side of road covered in graffiti
std had awesome time on spring break
new neutrogena extra-strength face wash instantly dissolves bad skin
kfc paleontologists reconstruct 24-piece party bucket from single chicken leg
helpful museum map highlights exhibits visitors don't have to feel too bad about skipping
housefly tracks dog shit all over cucumber slice
white house slam dunk contest results in no slam dunks
word 'innovate' said 650,000 times at sxsw so far
world wonders what trump has on united states that's forcing nation to keep him in power
only adult left in trump administration named ‘mad dog’
kerry downs another vodka shot as the last of putin’s security detail passes out
spot where dog vomit cleaned up now noticeably cleaner than surrounding floor
impoverished child in third world dreams about one day leaving light on for no reason
stripper failing school she's working self through
inner-city prodigy earns ged at age 11
officemates unwittingly spend entire workday talking to each other on grindr
scott bakula turns 43, newspaper reports
man in solitary confinement can’t break with reality fast enough
teen unsure how to break it to parents that the devil got her pregnant
nancy pelosi rushes into living room to hear grandson's first talking point
wedding guest blissfully unaware she barely made the cut
tearful gun manufacturers thankful they all made it out of massacre safely
flight attendant demonstrates proper technique for eating fellow passenger in event of crash
right-to-kill advocate opposes right-to-die measure
graffiti artist no longer putting his heart in it
george w. bush chuckles to self upon thinking about how he was president of the united states for almost a decade
tesla posts massive first quarter loss after self-driving car absconds with $702 million in cash
hillary clinton spends busy day fueling speculation, not ruling things out
totally unknown guy strolling around your part of office for some reason
the rise of china
illinois supreme court deems rahm emanuel sleazy enough to run for mayor of chicago
friend's threats to come visit becoming disturbingly more genuine
how to cook a perfect thanksgiving turkey
chivalry isn’t dead: man warms up shivering girlfriend with his toupee
robert pattinson looking forward to taking on more serious vampire roles after conclusion of 'twilight' films
must see: blowing his wad way too early: this science teacher did all the cool experiments on his first day of class
elon musk insists he’d be much more innovative pedophile than thailand rescue worker
video: heartbreaking: watch this soldier return home for 10 seconds and then go back to war because he forgot his wallet
chuck e. cheese's announces new lower prices, but the restaurants will be dirtier
nonvoter knew it would turn out this way
local burger feels especially disgusting today
god deploys 100,000 more mosquitoes to u.s.
nation's substitute teachers would like to know who threw that
drunk man dangerously close to figuring out you're fucking with him
baby-shower attendees quickly drain box of white zinfandel
couple sneaks away from party for a little arguing
looking back on the worst 365 days of donald trump's presidency
how do archers resist firing arrows at everyone in the spectator gallery?
'who sent you here,' whispers woman to big tray of cheese danishes confronting her in break room
jeopardy! viewer had no idea he knew so much about weasels
quaaludes are back, reports quaalude-taking journalist
escalating tensions lead trump to shake up inner circle of tv programs
cameron diaz finally opens up about generally positive experience in show business
kavanaugh sweating bullets after betting life savings on being confirmed to supreme court
trump warns iran that u.s. won't tolerate widespread suffering in any country besides america
snowstorm in chicago delays hundreds of morning murders
dea accepts record $280 million drug bribe
in attempt to jump-start economy, obama declares tuesdays ladies' night
'get tivo' friend's solution to everything
alcoholic recovered
trees planted in poor neighborhood mature just in time for gentrification
report: majority of add cases go undiagnosed until child's first public failure
area man incapable of making plans without excitedly rubbing palms together
herman cain withdraws from fed consideration
yamaha ceo pleased with current production of jet skis, alto saxophones, snowmobiles, power generators, scooters, golf carts
apartment returns to pre-houseguest level of tension
driver rules out driver error in crash
area dad points out place that has great reuben sandwiches
7 reasons why going to the video rental store was better than netflix
las vegas casino owners announce plans to tear down don rickles
quiz: are you enough of a tough guy to make up for your adorably long eyelashes?
luxury-craving nation confidently squandering income at pre-2008 levels
pence passing time during trump’s speech by mentally baptizing senators
row of dusty playstation 2 games continues reign at top of book shelf
report: peaceful transfer of power makes last-minute push to become most pressing issue of 2016 election
friendship blossoms into unrequited love
local man vows revenge against atlantic ocean
cormac mccarthy flaunts sexy new beach body
boyfriend ready to take relationship to previous level
investigators blame stupidity in area death
kool-aid, hi-c make backroom deal to destroy tang
items found in bin laden’s compound
guy who came in late not sure how much longer he should pretend to be frazzled
5 major tattoo fails | clickhole
hardee's introduces shame curtains for customers to eat behind
yacht name conveys owner's easygoing lifestyle
'new york times' corrects story by admitting they burned venezuela aid convoy
tick happy where he is
white person waved past beeping walgreens security barrier
bengal tigers' habitat down to studio apartment in jaipur, india
study finds mediterranean diet adds years to your life, but only by taking them away from others
conrad bain steps down as national kitsch-reference laureate
man's insecurities versatile enough to be projected onto any situation
video-game character wondering why heartless god always chooses 'continue'
limited-edition solange vinyl features list of chores to do while album plays in background
elderly man feeling useless in retirement wishes he could go back to feeling useless at work
iowan comforts sobbing jeb bush at town hall
philadelphia museum of art erects statue of overweight tourist posing next to rocky statue
clinton emotionally ready to start getting blow jobs again
brian kemp campaign energized after seeing early voter suppression numbers
bad news, oregon: marijuana is still illegal in the michaelson house
defensive tackle’s innocence shattered by play-action pass
woman mad boyfriend not jealous she danced with other guy
just a quick heads-up, i’m being radicalized
cast, crew of troy begin disastrous 10-year journey back to hollywood
moron stepfather takes care of child who doesn’t have his genetic material | the onion - america's finest news source
new ps4 feature allows user to close eyes and imagine really fun game
wealthy donors pump millions into sanders' campaign in last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility
'it's just a plant, man,' says purdue pharma ceo waving poppy flower before opioid lawsuit judge
responsible, thoughtful nation decides to ignore charlie sheen situation
old el paso introduces emergency taco kit
street-smart teen dies in library
'this map will change the way you see westeros,' reports never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit
nation has heart set on last muffin
life: heartbreaking: this elementary school teacher has to use her own money to ransom back her students from somali pirates
gay couple has banal sex
brad pitt scampers away from script after detecting musk of chris pine on pages
poll: 63% of americans say they have a problem with a mormon president who is also mitt romney
report: hey, stephen tobolowsky is in this!
black man bids tearful goodbye to family before daily commute
study finds rising sea levels result of expansive colonization effort by dolphins
farmers' almanac predicting short season for primetime dramas
mo'nique know she look good
woman thinks she can just waltz back into work after maternity leave without bringing baby to office
nation celebrates full week without deadly mass shooting
ilhan omar disrespectfully refers to america as 'a place'
trump ties thousands of balloons to white house roof in attempt to sail away from impeachment inquiry
child pointing out cow on side of road must think parents don’t have fucking eyes
autopsy determines total loser’s corpse contained no traces of drugs, alcohol
14-hour labor not exactly cakewalk for baby sticking halfway out mother's vagina either
historical archives: owls deemed arse-holes
new study finds no long-term health benefits
a beautiful tribute: this woman is using an american flag-themed disposable napkin in honor of her country
cuba to buy car
public health win! purdue pharma has released a new type of oxycontin to help ease the pain of losing a loved one to oxycontin
arab-american actually kind of enjoys always having 2 bus seats to self
6-year-old becomes first child to complete solo ride around block
census study finds thousands of undocumented immigrants living inside u.s. border wall
entire pickup game spent consumed by fear of being passed to
madcap romp escalates into zany hijinks
excited firefighters point out kid on tricycle
coworkers agog as employee introduces new shirt into rotation
trump: 'i know that was pretty bad, but let's just say you're going to want to save your energy'
life: feminism in action: this man loves women so much he lives in a compound with 17 of them
playstation ceo predicts ‘post-console’ world
ceo's funeral a networking dream
chuck schumer honestly pretty amazed he hasn't caved yet
panel of caged average americans weigh in on economy
manager slits own throat after realizing some members of company not on same page
diplomatic disaster: japan just found out the u.s. was behind the 1945 atomic bombings
public health win! kotex is donating all its ‘dodgers world series 2017 champions’ tampons to impoverished women in africa
onion employees return to mundane lives of writing game-changing news coverage read by billions across globe
time traveler from the year 1998 warns nation not to elect newt gingrich
another step for progress: the scripps national spelling bee will also be ending the swimsuit portion of its competition
skip bayless slams history of chinese post-opium war intervention anxiety in 6-hour ‘undisputed’
english teacher obviously hung over
'curses!' shouts fist-shaking meals on wheels ringleader as trump cuts off gravy train
thank-you note passive-aggressive
spotify removes 'this is: white supremacy' playlist
site likely contains sexually explicit photos of someone you know! biggest in the world service for sseex!! id:oioaasndaagatangatogggnn
guy you canvassed with knows this great little italian canvassing place
“the onion” accidentally breaks true story about us sending israel weapons
study: majority of humans happiest when rest of family still asleep
mccain stares at screen, attempts to write family christmas letter
tissue feeling a certain responsibility to lift tissue behind it halfway out of box
area man switches to backup lie
stick shift bragged about
mike pence disappointed god has never asked him to kill one of own children
herman cain endorses who gives a fuck
breaking news!!! bernie sanders formally challenges hillary clinton to an underground twerk off!!!
black man blissfully unaware his name going to be hashtag by end of week
chinese man just glad fuckin' 4716 over
news: the merger pays off: under amazon, whole foods will begin selling succulent drone meat in winter 2017
dental hygienist sick of being lied to
report: 15% of cars in mall parking lots occupied by family member who stormed off after fight
supreme court rules death penalty is ‘totally badass’
report: maid of honor not even that good of friends with bride
advocacy group decries peta’s inhumane treatment of women
enjoyment of steve miller band's 'jungle love' last piece of common ground in america
overfunded public school forced to add jazz band
u.s. stock market soars after bernanke's reassuring comments about 'pacific rim'
new year’s eve by the numbers
they said what?!: find out what usain bolt, claire danes, and clint eastwood have to say
microsoft signs justice dept. attorney to $350 million endorsement deal
ventriloquist dummy crosses line in suggesting partner is actual dummy
area father takes one more look at liner notes of daughter's britney spears album
83-year-old sneaks into 65-to-80 singles dance
alabama forced to release thousands of sex offenders after inmates deny charges
grown man who owns bane action figure has love to give
new tesla model 3 goes from zero to engulfed in flames in 3.5 seconds
insurance company celebrates 50 billionth fucking over of customer
the titanic scenario: could it really happen?
authorities abandon search for missing girl after finding huge bass while dredging lake
navy discontinues use of 'port' and 'starboard'will now refer to left as 'thunk' and right as 'moosh-baroo'
man confidently hits ‘send’ on worst job application company has ever seen
how to get a guy to notice you while you're having sex with him
5 things to know about ‘pizzagate’
area man has no idea how to get copy of birth certificate
the 2020 election could only go these 500 ways
barber's paunch keeps touching customer
man pleased to find most of his mid-’90s anti-hillary rant still usable
new rule - please remove 'the onion - america's finest news source' from the title of submissions
iranian team openly working on bomb in negotiating room
tips for enduring long airport layovers
nations lunatics lament rising cost of car meat
investigation exposes ebay user for selling fake pulitzer medals
gap forced to recall pants after man dies eating 37 pairs of corduroys
kfc introduces new boneless ceo
suave releases new 20-year leave-in conditioner
blog: if they continue to remain silent as trump ends daca, i will never attend a blue man group performance again
you’re in boone county now, son, and things move a little slower here, so don’t expect to be done with this ‘powerpuff girls’ quiz any time soon
nepotism passed off as synergy
springsteen tribute band drops out of inauguration
john bolton warns war with north korea won't be cakewalk like iraq
life: taking a stand: the national have announced they aren’t going to play their songs very good until hb2 has been repealed
'the bachelor' accused of leveraging his power as a reality tv star to lure 30 women to california mansion
life: 6 things we know about the wonder woman movie already somehow, though we can’t remember why, as if waking from a dream
nato airstrike destroys key taliban day care center
assistant always follows warner bros. ceo with suitcase containing codes to authorize ‘collateral beauty 2’
facebook’s plans for the future
‘look, just tell us who to kill,’ snaps u.s. general as trump enters 20th minute of rambling answer on syria
the onion really is becoming just a reliable news source
howie long expresses desire to direct radio shack spots
artists announce they've found all the beauty they can in urban decay
government-publications enthusiast makes pilgrimage to pueblo, co
cat's whiskers a little much
leader of sea-doo riders holds court in middle of lake
clinton already working on follow-up book casting blame for failures of first
trump honors brave heroes who slept with wives of deployed soldiers
children starting to see through dad’s claim that doubletree hotel part of disney resort
christian rock band cleans up hotel room
seven-foot-tall animatronic rodent terrifies birthday boy
life: stay alert: 6 ways to tell if the email you got from scarlett johansson asking for your credit card info so she can buy sex gear for your love carnival is a phishing scam or not
kavanaugh on sexual assault allegations: ‘i miss high school’
embittered raisin won’t shut up about how it could have been wine
irs now requiring taxpayers to tip
andrew mccutchen embarrassed he somehow hurt himself playing baseball
best celeb ever: chris pratt showed up at this fan’s death to weigh his heart against a feather and find out if he was worthy to pass into the kingdom of osiris
white supremacist tired after long day of interviews with mainstream news outlets
nfl, nba, mlb, nhl team owners vote to unionize
'wow, no one saw this coming' nation groans as norway's 'kon-tiki' nabs best foreign picture nomination
life: beautiful tribute: even though his mom died a year ago, this devoted son still cashes her social security check every month
taxpayer outraged
coworker wondering if anyone interested in laying bare their physical shortcomings in basketball league this year
friend really laying into self for failing to reply to email sooner
bloodied, bruised john kerry emerges victorious at kickboxing tournament in bangkok prison
depleted bruegger's bagels gift card living out quiet retirement in wallet's fourth row
report: trump conducted illegal business in cuba
news: your move, netflix: hulu just secured the exclusive rights to stream helen mirren’s death
bush urges iraqis to pass amendment banning gay marriage
apple announces new trade-in offer for customers to exchange their old iphones for absolutely nothing
this war will destabilize the entire mideast region and set off a global shockwave of anti-americanism vs. no it won't [march 2003]
syrian man kept up all night by neighbors dying
bush campaign paints kerry as pre-raphaelite contessa
duke, duchess of cambridge announce name of third child is louis arthur al-baghdadi
santa fe resident pretty kokopellied out
watch a full replay of the onion's live coverage of president trump's congressional address.
new audubon report finds 78% of female birds sexually harassed by stranger exposing colorful plumage
terrified johnny depp unable to remove tonto makeup
new census study finds that 40% of u.s. population is filler
indian casino uses every part of the dollar
joe arpaio's family surprises him with detained hispanic motorist
all of artist's nudes look terrified
new super-fast transport system powered by passengers' screams
life: 7 must-own t-shirts for anyone with sexually active parents
report: america ready for third ketchup brand
pair of 26-year-olds hit it off after learning they have student loans from same bank
botox criticized for new ad campaign targeting millie bobby brown
woman probably just made up rape story in order to get threatening emails
cat placed on 5 minutes' half-assed observation after possibly ingesting plastic thing
white house counsel to step down in fall
busy woman keeps best-dressed oscar slideshow tab open to be savored as sumptuous feast at her leisure
who warns against eating fish and keeping active following death of world’s oldest woman
life: 6 things that happen in every jane austen story ever
study: coffee drinkers at far higher risk of having mug crash to floor in slow motion after hearing their father is dead
thousands gather to watch losing incumbents marched out of washington
kyrie irving debuts signature shoe inspired by rfid chips government secretly implants in anesthetized patients
theory of intelligent school-board design disproven
focus groups hated it right up until guy's head got cut off
facebook identifies dozens of suspicious accounts seemingly enjoying time on website
area dad wants to watch new blu-ray of 'spring breakers' by himself
block of commercials charts the who's career arc
kennel certificate proves who puppy daddy is
scientists: rich people, poor people may have shared common ancestor
america gets set to enjoy month or so of libya seeming like symbol of freedom
major backfire: this 13-year-old’s attempts to untag himself from all facebook pictures with his 400-pound aunt have only made his friends more fascinated with her
absolutely disgusting shower curtain liner has another 3 years left in it
area twentysomething disillusioned with disillusionment
college allowing students individual commencement speakers to make ceremony acceptable for all
life: powerful: pringles has unveiled a line of damp chips that won’t crunch loud enough to ruin a moment of silence for our fallen soldiers
great mosque of mecca hosts annual christmas tree lighting
congress allocates $90 million to protect remaining eagles members
man thinks he managed to masturbate without waking roommate
boardwalk con men hit hard by sharp decrease in chumps
romney tells heartbreaking lie about single mother of 4 he never met
ladykiller gets life sentence
egyptian woman wishes screaming protester husband would go bonkers for her once in a while
buzzfeed ceo gives laid-off staffers parting gif
video: this church choir’s rendition of ‘christ cometh to my house and eats all of my food’ is absolutely stunning
video: heartbreaking sacrifice: man uses his state quarter collection to do laundry
5-year-old explorer makes contact with life-forms in adjacent booth
squirrel who really chunked out unable to look neighborhood residents in eye
boss wants friendly, relaxed company culture in place by friday
8-year-old palestinian boy pleasantly surprised he hasn't been killed yet
life: remembering a legend: 5 times buddy holly performed in front of an audience of 2,000 fortune-tellers all screaming at him to never get on an airplane
nasa social media manager considers himself part of team
nation’s gay straw men march on washington for right to marry animals
new ‘joker’ trailer introduces iconic villain to same generation of fans
nation's moms demand christmas list
college admissions office finds ideal applicant capable of subsidizing tuition of 3 low-income students
nation demands more slow-motion footage of syrup cascading onto pancakes
heartbreaking: this poor kid had to spend an entire afternoon gardening with his grandma, bringing her more joy than he could possibly imagine
trump claims he tried to warn public about epstein by praising him as a terrific guy
killer swears girl was in two pieces when he left her
woman wonders whatever happened to those rainforests she gave $5 to save that one time
totally hot chick also way psycho
john kerry actually pretty good at windsurfing now
for gay couple, fulfilling lifelong dream of marriage not worth moving to iowa
tonight: house faces his greatest challenge yet
whale expert measures everything in elephants
refugees grateful for chance to see europe while being bounced from country to country
ray lahood resigns following mysterious disappearance of country road
stuffed-up congress allocates $250 million to destroy pollen
kenneth starr orders lbj exhumed for investigation of possible sexual impropriety
beer aisle scanned for something asshole friend won’t mock
immigrant child still hoping to achieve american dream of better cage
casual sex surprisingly formal
polish rapper under fire for use of the word 'polack'
astronomers say wednesday night will be best chance for americans to view 'novλ'
cia admits role in 1985 coup to oust david lee roth from van halen
study finds marine life now global leader in oil imports
ramen master defeated by new kung-pao style
u.s. government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute
bride and groom clearly have not kissed much
new drug offers hope to infertile inner-city teens
gop mulls forcing christine blasey ford to publicly apologize to kavanaugh just for hell of it
grandma excited to show off new beach sweater
sasha obama orders secret service agent to stop squirming during makeover
perils of socialism: sweden used to be a prosperous nation. then they became socialist. today their country is known as venezuela
rare quarter worth 26 cents
gym teacher secretly hates nerds
new law enforcement robot can wield excessive force of 5 human officer
what i learned about capitalism by walking into a starbucks and screaming ‘capitalism!’ at the barista over and over until they had to call the police
they said what?!: find out what neil degrasse tyson, miranda lambert, and hoda kotb have to say
exuberant trump rally crowd bats syrian refugee child around arena before candidate comes on stage
'game of thrones' fans excited to hear series will finally be over
two-month freelance gig posted in 'careers' section of company's website
nyc park officials finally get around to replacing dead light bulbs in statue of liberty's eyes
zach braff, alyssa milano call out trump for far more effectively pivoting to politics to save floundering career
courtroom sketch artist has clear manga influences
dnc criticized for overly restrictive debate rules requiring candidates have at least one policy position
1-800-eat-shit finally publishes decades of reckless-driving data
macy'€™s parade float covered in tickets after parking on 5th avenue over holiday weekend
contrarian amazon user completely upends critical consensus on microfiber towels
area man excited to hear girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking
wistful kim jong-un stumbles onto childhood drawings he made of nuclear attacks on west
drug paraphernalia visible in photo of missing cat
doctors to exercising seniors: don't bother
got to see this guy give a presentation yesterday.
report: more american children raised by carjackers who didn't realize there was someone in backseat
teacher asks students to split into 2 groups to simulate ideal class size
the week in pictures – week of january 30, 2017
constructionist supreme court to revisit women's suffrage
children starting to see through dad's claim that doubletree hotel part of disney resort
e.p.t. clarifies pregnancy tests intended for entertainment purposes only
man sentenced to 3 months probation for 17th-degree murder
wary michael jackson hologram just trying to keep low profile
millions of plants sent from nation's garden departments to their deaths
kfc, midas team up for much-anticipated crossover meal
trump administration launches human rights investigation into senate's harsh treatment of mohammad bin salman
26-year-old to see every asshole he ever went to high school with on night before thanksgiving
photo of crying father a lasting symbol of economic struggle if there ever was one
new exhibit at dallas visitor’s center focuses on things that went right during jfk’s november 1963 visit
lebron to utah jazz: “don’t worry, i’ll pay all your fines”
secretary of education reveals she’s forced to use own salary on yacht supplies
new secret service agent disappointed there are no decoy presidents
unpopular student ridiculed mercilessly in teacher's lounge
employee leaving company unsure how to break it to coworkers who don't really care whether he lives or dies
investors stake out greenspan's house for signs of rate increase
turkish actor thinks he's cüneyt fucking arkin
national security experts: 'isis are fucking assholes'
life: a dying boy came up with this list of 6 different ways to take a bath, so let’s act like that makes sense
fox news apologizes for mistaking patti labelle for aretha franklin
fifa frantically announces 2015 summer world cup in united states
life: above and beyond: this police officer carved out an hour a day to play basketball in his community and he got so good it’s not fun anymore
i was anti-vaccine until my doctor got hot and suggested them again
excited patient points out organ he wants from kidney tank in hospital lobby
powerful: this woman turned a cereal box upside down to make a point about how there’s no more cereal
cute 8-year-old starting to realize how much better she is than ugly girls | the onion
fbi declassifies j. edgar hoover's extensive file on the munster family
study finds jack shit
quiz: say, does your city need catacombs?
life: doing what it takes: this local news station has roofied its weatherman just before his segment in the hopes that he’ll commit some kind of viral gaffe
quiz: did you hear why they fired principal jannusky?
a mother somehow just knows when her child is on fire
rigorous battery of tests unable to determine if roommate broke up with girlfriend
'must-see tv' now enforced by law
struggling local theater space put out of its misery
america, china trying to spice up trade relationship by bringing third country into negotiations
william barr shows up to congress to testify at 3 a.m. after reading email wrong
supreme court votes 7-2 to legalize all worldly vices
24 million would lose coverage under gop health plan
chaps unnecessary
spider sitting on shower wall can’t wait to see look on man’s face
wheelchair-bound student would have preferred to sit out pep rally
wwe staff forced to shoot aggressive wrestler after child climbs into steel cage
merle haggard haggard
report: majority of americans experience profound sense of dread when asked to name favorite music
do you need us to hold your hand through this entire list of incredible murals? do we always have to compile a whole list of photos for you just so that you’ll look at them? grow up.
smooth transaction at dmv exaggerated into story anyway
news: bad timing: the gop’s legislative agenda has been stalled indefinitely after paul ryan’s free trial of microsoft powerpoint expired
the pros and cons of vaccinating children
binge-drinking, promiscuous sex good for you, says 'new orleans journal of medicine'
officials worried olympic cemetery won'€™t be completed in time for games
furloughed bison pour back into national parks after government reopens
kushner: ‘i did not collude, but i pretty much have to say that, right?’
local couple needs to talk
man can't believe obama would use tragedy to push anti-tragedy agenda
nation's homophobic bigots pack it in
damn: the kid from ‘smart house’ got hot but now he’s not hot again, you just missed the window
some guy who's not stephen colbert to deliver college's commencement speech
democratic scouts head to tampa to get closer look at mitt romney
area dad will only watch things in hd
man anxiously scanning bar's reaction to jukebox selection
seasons turn gracefully from the one that kills old people to the one that kills homeless people
comic-con fan guesses he enjoyed 60-minute panel of silently masturbating alan moore practicing sex magic
teary andrew luck describes fighting through searing pain he experiences during every excruciating moment in indianapolis
overstock.com announces plans to develop original programming
cow ted cruz milking in wisconsin photo op only giving curdled, foul liquid
maya angelou, poet, author, civil rights activist, and—holy cow—tony award–nominated actress, college professor, magazine editor, streetcar conductor—really? streetcar conductor? wow—calypso singer, nightclub performer, and foreign journalist, dead at 86
royal wedding watch: the officiant just asked that everyone refrain from throwing their peanut shells on the floor, but seems like people are still doing it anyway
chorus to 'juke box hero' playing on repeat in monk's bowed head
'when i'm acquitted, i'll murder those interviewers,' robert durst mutters while still wearing microphone
hare krishnas: 'hare krishna, hare krishna, krishna krishna, hare hare'
aides gently tell trump he can't bring all his gold lion statues on airplane
rwandan refugees angered over lack of aol access
dead ipod remembered as expensive
hillary launches campaign to raise $100 million or else she'll run for president
more vegetables evolving chocolate-sauce-filled centers as evolutionary imperative
87% of man's memories shame-based
report: someone needs to get chips and dip away from area man
chicago sets warm winter record
news: connoisseurs rejoice: colgate is releasing its 85-year barrel-aged signature reserve toothpaste for a limited time
you asked for it and you got it! hulu is bringing back circuit city
german fairy tale ends predictably
tgi fridays is a human right
comments section arguments we clearly won in 2016
danish radio station criticised for killing baby rabbit on air
tyson holds contest to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chicken to death
tony award disappoints parents even more
driver kind of bummed to see other car he been driving behind for a while take exit off highway
man filming childbirth picks up some b-roll of wife's vagina while waiting for baby to crown
ovechkin knocks out rest of teeth while kissing stanley cup
waiting-room copy of people brings area man up to speed on paris hilton
legendary bass fisherman explains how easily he'd catch the fish monster from 'the shape of water'
doomsday clock pushed to one minute to midnight after arby's threatens launch of 3-cheese jalapeño beef 'n bacon melt
study reveals 93% of americans don't know their congressperson truly, utterly, the way only two souls entwined can
high school freshman thinks 'romeo and juliet' might just be her favorite play
theonion you want to have fun? o
perot may lead first mars expedition 'only if the people of mars ask me to,' he says
scientists politely remind world that clean energy technology ready to go whenever
man ashamed of himself after cashier reads food order back to him
audio experts confirm whiny, irritating noises in secret recording devin nunes
tractor-pull fans begin to question whether this is what life is really about
the power of community: this town rallied around a guy with a big snake to check out the big snake
ted cruz skyrockets in polls after head permanently sealed within iron mask
trump gives muslim on fence about radicalizing just the push he needed
bush arrives at debate wearing flight suit
woman spirals into vortex of self-doubt after trader joe’s cashier does not compliment any of her selected items
'better homes & gardens' puts first plus-sized succulent on september cover
pros and cons of the ‘tiny house’ movement
sounds of air hockey coming from supreme court chambers
ugly man with huge penis unsure how to get the word out
the week in pictures – week of february 27, 2017
netanyahu defends new alliance with israel’s far-right aryan supremacy party
donald trump spends another valentine's day completely alone
ellen degeneres prepares to host academy awards by spending eight hours a day in oscars simulator
life: ‘may i, papa?’: mcdonald’s is releasing a new fig and ladyfinger mcflurry for fancy little boys who desire a treat
peeping tom tired of watching people watch television
efforts of world's 16 billion chickens still not adding up to much
vespa corporation enchants another slight little man-child
report: puerto rico situation remains dire despite months of no help whatsoever
st. peter scrambling to throw few more innocent souls into hell to meet monthly quota
10-pack of swiss miss bracing itself to shoulder burden of holding together man's depressing holiday alone
the hoax on you
family trying to tune out hints of misogyny as grandfather lovingly recalls courting grandmother
man runs out of questions to ask 4-year-old
french teacher forces student to inform her of bathroom fire in french
'ravaged' named florida's official state adjective
god pissed after learning cost to replace earth's core
29-year-old has blast writing his will
congressman to attempt living off military’s budget for one month
ben carson's message undercut by eyes drifting in different directions
brendan fraser to star in new pre-movie trivia question
news: remember neville longbottom from harry potter? well, he got rich making $8,000 a week working from home so simple and you can too
how the onion predicted 2016
quirky restaurant’s bathroom had better fucking deliver
olive oil in skinny bottle obviously better
wolf pack fails to raise orphaned infant
98% of babies manic-depressive
nfl reaffirms commitment to player safety by eliminating qb position
man can’t believe obama would use tragedy to push anti-tragedy agenda
thai premier eats entire bucket of chicken to calm bird-flu fears
seedless watermelon coming to grips with fact it'll never be able to have kids
perverted little boy asks to sleep with parents
report: 89% of americans just want to go home right now
warm approach of potential new friendship just street canvasser again
'art imitates life imitates art,' remarks man trapped in art museum
sony unveils matte-black box of red and green lights
absolutely heartbreaking: this guy who just got laid off believes it’s the universe’s way of telling him to pursue his dream
report: friend doing sober january must have really fucked shit up over holidays
area dad concerned he's running out of family photos to digitize
‘i’m trump all the way,’ says man who will die from mishandling fireworks months before election
jay leno reconsiders retirement after georgia woman sets boyfriend's crotch on fire
alex jones struggling to convince skeptical police after witnessing actual murder in neighbor's backyard
so annoying: this woman who’s doing all the steps wrong in a zumba class is really getting in the way but she’s too elderly for the teacher to do anything about it
flu takes down biggest guy in office as warning to rest of staff
god legally changes name to jake steele
who warns against eating fish and keeping active following death of world's oldest woman
crush on williams-sonoma employee costing man a fortune
tips for reducing your screen time
a reckless administration: the white house reportedly granted cousin itt full security clearance and he immediately ran off with the nuclear briefcase
deal alert: get ‘kingdom hearts iii’ for free for next 30 seconds while gamestop clerk is dealing with something in back
great-grandmother actually not that great
obama blanks on what he's ineffectually urging congress to take action on now
nancy pelosi slams edited footage with claim that when she’s drunk you’ll fucking know it
dad ready to forgive dixie chicks
man at very top of food chain chooses bugles
crestfallen 'unite the right' organizer eats swastika cake alone after no one shows up to his rally
huckabee earns nickel for presidential campaign by painting old widow's picket fence
report: underpaid migrant laborers working 18 hours per day on fifa legal defense
bush surges ahead in polls after strong showing on pommel horse
life: stepping up: when this man lost his home in a fire, his neighbors all awkwardly looked at each other until one guy hesitantly asked if he wanted to stay with him
postmaster general loses laptop; zip-code data of millions at risk
cyclist clearly loves signaling turns
aides say bannon was not on the record when he issued deafening, atonal howl that caused journalist's skull to explode
whippoorwill has had same 3-note song stuck in head for entire life
‘this is the golden age of television,’ claim executives who have not yet made show about robotic wizards
u.s. protests mexi-canadian overpass
chinese government asks entire nation to pose while millions of surveillance cameras take photographs
de blasio pac spends $30 million on ads urging candidate not to embarrass self by running
'very special' constitutional amendment to take on alcoholism
man planning to rub up against strangers wondering where train is already
legal quandary: these two brothers have been looking at each other’s penises through telescopes for 72 straight hours and the police can’t tell if it’s incest or not
dog can't believe owner left on fucking msnbc to keep it company while she at work
switzerland passes u.n. inspection after erecting fire escape on matterhorn
ghostwriter taking a few creative liberties with paul reiser's life
teenage rebels seize control of food court's corner table
materialistic single mom constantly thinking of money
report: mothers not paying attention to 80% of cool things nation's boys do
frustrated rick santorum still waiting for go-ahead from god to suspend presidential campaign
child bored with christmas puppy
woman’s head feared lost forever inside infinity scarf
it's been 3 years since the last cressbeckler stance. what happened? this was my favorite onion video series!
americans having less sex than in previous decades
merrick garland kind of uncomfortable with political analysts casually pointing out he'll die relatively soon after nomination
gchat status disastrously left on visible during peak andrea hours
man just knows hillary clinton going to have opinion on not dying in explosion
george r.r. martin only came to set when we were filming scenes with nudity in them, didn’t talk to anyone, then immediately left after they were over
st. jude swears off ever answering another personals ad
report: majority of americans proficient at owing large sums of money
pawn-shop customer plans to buy toaster back
white house reversing security clearance denials
lawn mower injured in rand paul attack returns to work
man unfortunately sleeps like baby
narrow line of dirt not being swept into dustpan without a fight
trump bestows medal of honor on john mccain's tumor
misbuttoned coat makes perfectly sane woman look like raving lunatic
republicans retain majority in household
mackenzie bezos gains huge win in divorce settlement after successfully retaining no stake in ‘washington post’
once-adventurous salmon can't believe she ended up moving back to birthplace, having a bunch of kids
california officials assure residents there still plenty of other natural resources to waste
7-year-old unable to maintain single cohesive storyline while playing with action figures
man realizes he has no interests
sources: you don't want to know what currently happening to saudi arabian woman
clinton makes pact with savages
gulf of mexico inducted into opec
nation’s beekeepers warn they don’t know how much longer they can hold back swarms’ wrath
united airlines cracking down on emotional support spouses
scrabble come-on only worth four points
dipshit toddler waving at wall
connecticut man visited by being from another time zone
man makes quick call to parents so next week’s call to ask for money doesn’t seem that bad
woman knows exactly which knife she'd grab out of cutlery drawer in event of home invasion
man with 3 kids going to make great father someday
news: disgrace: the ceo of beans has stepped down amid reports that there can’t be a ceo of beans
india holds 5k stampede for charity
depressed matt lauer up all night rewatching 8-second clip of career highlights
trump's prefrontal cortex admits it can't possibly filter all impulsive comments coming from rest of brain
sickly, starving rhino not as fun to hunt
dakota access pipeline blocked
cast of space: 1999 reunites for tv movie space: 1999 '99
‘i want to see more movies about lesser-known superheroes like black panther, candle legs, fuck jockey, staticky picnic table, and the wireless smell’: 5 questions with sterling k. brown
trump honors sacrifices civil rights activists will have to make under his presidency
dalai lama announces next life to be his last before retirement
romney to town hall audience: 'i own horses and care for them, and you are all like horses'
mockingbird imitates car alarm perfectly
netflix cancels ‘jimmy carter’s world of peanuts’
'lost dog' poster really tooting dog's horn
steve bannon mixes discarded climate change report with saliva to build final wall of nest
‘rocketman’ viewers not sure movie really needed 45-minute princess diana death scene
how a contested convention would work
magpie worried mate only interested in him for collection of shiny objects
nfl implements new court date attire regulations
american gladiator still insists friends call him 'turbo'
how the world has changed since trump’s election
cashier forced to incorporate humiliating new phrase into every customer interaction
'nothing is more attractive than confidence,' says woman who has apparently never seen sonic the hedgehog cosplay
nation gathers around area man trying to parallel park
justin trudeau explains deep spiritual significance of oil pipelines through indigenous lands
company encourages women who have been sexually harassed to come forward with resignation letter
facebook friend apparently dead now
heartwarming: when this mcdonald’s employee had to walk 20 miles to work because he couldn’t afford a car, the ceo of mcdonald’s drove alongside him to cheer him on
barron trump sprints off convention stage in tears after missing note during clarinet solo performance
madonna gives birth to million-dollar marketing scheme
historians uncover evidence stonehenge once prominent druid make-out spot
winning argument with aging parents less satisfying than it once was
buick introduces new self-buying car
area woman wants to be singer or actor or whatever
npr's new format to feature soft-spoken white guys
delicate little man kept awake all night by having coffee after four o’clock
report: white house officials deliberately hid fdr’s mechanical spider legs from public
autoplaying video executes cunning ambush 45 seconds after opening page
excitement shifts to concern after coworker brings baked goods into office for fourth consecutive day
life: what might have been: this is the park bench heath ledger could have sat on if he were still alive today
report finds one in five americans struggle with properly masking depression
popsicle reintroduces beloved 'plain' flavor
child assured it will be long time before he dies
film critic belatedly comes up with swordfish zinger
report: causes of death getting less cool over time
seaworld unveils new 20 whales stuffed in pool show
news: a huge spike: following the trump-russia dossier, ‘golden showers’ jumped from the most googled term to far and away the most googled term in america
ready to smell old? it’s been 20 years since the matrix
'humor in uniform' submissions at all-time low
popeye decries mideast bombings; 'dese bombinks is disgustipating,' says sailor man
frontier mother just wants one nice family photo that doesn't end in fatality
unidentified yowling animal in carrier apparently named kiwi
israel vows to use veto power if chuck hagel confirmed as u.s. secretary of defense
shannon tweed named head of u.s. task force on nudity & aging
offbeat squirrel in park garnering cult following
stolen tour bus leads police on chase of historic downtown philadelphia
news: crowning achievement: donald trump has just accomplished his lifelong goal of kicking the nation’s most powerful black family out of their house
struggling justice alito sent down to lower federal court
nate silver ages 40 years after accidentally using polling projection model on self
tourist realizes it's all just a lie set in place for him
fbi warns of ‘american dream’ scam
company commits to hiring more bengal tigers in effort to improve office biodiversity
drunk pilot going to pull over onto cloud until he sobers up a little
kim jong-un thrown into labor camp for attempting to cross border into south korea
news: the saga continues: disney has announced that the next ‘star wars’ movie will be entirely about punishing chewbacca for trying to be human
taco bell to offer discreet purchasing charged under ‘tbfoodsllc’
sony releases new earbud detangling spray
bush attempts to distance self from yet another failed business
greenpeace releases rescued dolphins into forest
obama resigns from presidency after michelle lands dream job in seattle
for-profit college hastily designs diploma for student on verge of actually graduating
human feet originally used for walking, anthropologists report
nation's women wake up relieved to find selves still in 2012
it not clear if it okay to pass handicapped woman on sidewalk
we did not have the time to reimagine kermit the frog. here he is normal.
‘new york times’ publisher reveals asking trump to decrease anti-media rhetoric except against those fuckers at ‘the washington post’
tokyo adds 100-story toadstool to skyline
weary nation says one or two more divisive issues should finish it off
pipeline company rushes to contain oil spill to small section of media
mta urges riders to stop taking disabled passengers
cop grudgingly admits suspect is the best goddamn pedophile he's seen in 30 years on the force
mitch mcconnell dodges reporter’s question by quickly stepping into empty elevator shaft
poll finds majority of americans approve of child labor laws but agree that kids carrying briefcases would be cute
trump ramps up attacks on john mccain by dragging senator’s exhumed corpse behind motorcade
news: safety first: to avoid rio’s polluted waters, olympic triathletes will mime the swimming portion on dry land
disheartened man expected at least one text while checking phone after flight
literary study finds all modern narratives derived from classic 'alien vs. predator' conflict
rumors of extramarital affair end campaign of presidential candidate who didn't know china has nuclear weapons
confused firefighters fail to rescue child wearing firefighter costume
jeremy renner said what?!
bryce harper informs phillies gm of 2-week vacation in august he’d planned before getting job
some guy at bar lived in san francisco for a summer and liked it a lot
life: 6 extremely impressionable children who burned down a church after listening to a song that had drums in it
new study confirms this didn’t even feel like a 4-day work week
this man accidentally took a photo of the inside of his pocket every day for a year
life: giving back: eddie murphy is donating his ‘nutty professor’ fat suits to burn victims to give them a second chance at life
fender introduces new line of sympathy and bereavement guitars
cvs cashier can’t wait to accept $20 bill from customer purchasing 3 different cough medications
man in bar makes general inquiry about the ladies
area woman will see any movie that takes place between 1743 and 1919
longbeach lеt mе bе thе sunshinе of your life!
nervous steve bannon binge-eats entire class of interns amid calls for removal
area wildcat a real wildcat in the sack
life-raft companion looks just like juicy steak
new orleans adopts $10 cover charge
labor dept. creates 20,000 new hobbies for nation's jobless
ron desantis clarifies that ‘monkey’ comment was intended as subtle enough dog whistle to get away with
obamas decide to stay in white house until daughters finish high school
jfk jr. celebrates 10,000th coupling
christian bale given neutered male statuette named oscar
cop vows to hunt down punk who successfully pressed brutality charges against his partner
new climate change study just 400 pages of scientists telling americans to read previous climate change studies
a classic jason somehow gets mixed into area man's anecdote collection
5 professional yet polite ways to respond when your child says they love you
update: ‘the onion’ has finally confirmed there were no survivors in the challenger disaster
johnny manziel forced to wear cleveland browns jersey in cruel rookie hazing incident
barack obama said what?!
no matter what you search, the first onion article that comes up from search results is "website's built-in search engine just pathetic"
nation just goes ahead and decides 'freedom prevails over hate' is lesson of 9/11
blog post read by mother to shape child’s next 18 years
no one murdered because of this image [nsfw]
cellmate tired of suge knight’s constant stories of ’90s rap beefs
report: more u.s. families living with multiple generations of xbox under one roof
groundbreaking study finds gratification can be deliberately postponed
study: 82 percent of americans want to run over nathan lane with a tractor
nasa announces plans to place giant pair of shades on sun
gop quick to point out that michael cohen was merely rnc's deputy finance chairman
jerry sandusky hoping judge takes it easy on him with sentencing
nation rallies around ronald mcdonald statue that embodies country’s true heritage
u.k. passes bill making ‘upskirting’ illegal
universe comes to halt as kid flips through first shark book
prince harry humiliates royal family yet again as base invaded by afghan insurgents
man freely smoking pot in washington literally has no issue he feels strongly about anymore
tips for staying civil while debating child prisons
planned parenthood: myth vs. fact
ahmadinejad signs on as dean at sarah lawrence
chubby jewish boy dreams of one day being next apatow muse
inverted bob added to supercuts arctic vault where hairstyles preserved for future generations
cottonelle adds blue strip to toilet paper but keeps what it does a secret
tide of war turns after rumsfeld's inspiring barracks pep talk
new debate rules allow for one 15-second strangulation
news: a new era: the jim henson company is making big bird’s fingers 15 times longer so that he can point at children from farther away
5 unrealistic expectations porn creates in relationships between horny milfs and their hung stepsons
news: farewell to a legend: ringo starr has been crushed to death by hundreds of teenage girls after beatlemania started up again without warning
second amendment a little creeped out by how obsessed americans are with it
werner herzog: i killed and ate timothy treadwell in 2003
mom hasn’t said full, uninterrupted sentence to family since 1997
'batman v. superman' promotion urges filmgoers to just get this over with
are we setting unrealistic standards of beauty for our felons?
divorced parents a little hurt child's christmas list doesn't include heartbreaking wish for them to get back together
mueller reveals russia investigation just elaborate sting to nail clinton child sex-slavery ring
chrysler names '83 lebaron ceo
‘ocean’s 8’ production assistant describes what rich women smell like
oklahoma leaders claim teachers' strike betrays values of nation's 1914 founding by abraham lincoln and orville redenbacher
scalia, thomas, roberts, alito suddenly realize they will be villains in oscar-winning movie one day
nation demands more movies where guy reveals he was wearing bulletproof vest
chef justice luigi vespucci issues spicy dissent on puttanesca v. arrabiata
an interesting title
second-grader likes to save purple pills for last
man avoids messing with texas
i always thought losing your sunglasses was something that happened to other people
man flirting with girl at party can't wait to be informed she has boyfriend
civilian casualty flattered to have been mistaken for hamas leader
pro governing: is it faked?
report: many jobs lack benefits to cut
life: when this middle school introduced meditation into the school day, many of its students saw incredible benefits and three went insane
stop sign taking forever to change
nation demands more mind-blowing guitar solos
terrified fda warns something making bananas black after several days
‘game of thrones’ viewers reeling after finale unexpectedly kills off fan
kids getting a little old to still believe in innate charitable goodness of humans
report: it's not okay to just start talking to people you don’t know
let's have some fun here 6romst
vending-machine snack fails to deploy
trump confirms all violent options on the table in venezuela
coalition of buzzed cousins issues annual greatest nation on earth rankings
warm weather finally allows man to get outside, explore new ways to sweat
ap reporter in gaza needs another term for 'blood-soaked'
shrimp boat captain worn out from long day of putting human face on crisis
passage of health care reform brings democrat-republican score to 317,622-318,047
kurt warner cheered on by wire-haired man-goblin
constitution rapidly ages another 100 years from stress of repeated crises
pelosi: ‘we must fight even harder against trump's authoritarian impulses now that we've voted to enable them’
some genius juxtaposing religious iconography and bodily waste yet again
will shortz frustrated that police yet to crack taunting puzzles revealing locations of 40 years of murder victims
ruthless, powerful ceo has become very thing he loves most
state bird reconsidered after latest wren attack
man with flamethrower waiting for appropriate time to use it
'to defeat them, i must become them,' john kerry says while putting on black face mask
special guest at sea lion show just another sea lion
coworker with two computer screens not fucking around
political cartoonist's wife finds disturbing nude drawings of uncle sam
we in golden age of thing, guy who likes thing reports
trump boys forge father's signature on letters they wrote excusing them from any more testifying
man assumed celebrity sighting would do more for his career
sentient couch thinks it would look good over by the window
aids baby lays tiny hand in palm of 'onion' reporter
failure to get into private college to be most financially responsible act of 17-year-old's life
new study finds blacks more likely
mta reminds new yorkers they can fucking walk
report: only 2% of internet worth sitting through 15-second ad
boehner opens another heap of letters from constituents asking to give corporations more tax breaks
'if this report is true' to be repeated 5.7 billion times today
billions of electric signals between neurons allow brain to imagine what michael imperioli looks like
it is with a heavy heart that i announce i am having my parents pick me up early from this sleepover
area twitter user guesses he could muster up 140 more characters about the master race
all-business adult in halloween shop beelines it straight for pinhead mask
christina aguilera deeply offended by plate of iceberg lettuce
‘how could harvey weinstein get away with this?’ asks man currently ignoring sexual misconduct of 17 separate coworkers, friends, acquaintances
american people shrug, line up for fingerprinting
guatemalan coffee picker happy if single person starts day alert
parents honor beloved dead grandmother by naming baby 'gamgam'
rodent clearly making its way through steve bannon's body throughout national security meeting
elderly woman spends day in park feeding pigeons dismembered husband
10/10 would reccomend
‘the matrix’ turns 20
local fabric store urges you to check them out on twitter
meghan markle’s college friends stuck at table with sickly habsburg cousins
new study finds therapy, antidepressants equally effective at monetizing depression
s n u g g l e s t o p
news: true loyalty: fox news will let bill o’reilly get one more in for the road
sexist media keeps only referring to woman as ‘bride of isis soldier’
bush puts national guard in charge of public relations
father’s day is always bittersweet for me because it’s also the birthday of the bear that ate my father
area woman quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up years-long hatred of matt lauer
abused 12-year-old alabama girl doesn't think she can handle being a mom on top of everything else
lemur fantasizes about ripping face off next dumbshit who calls it a monkey
obama suddenly panicked after gazing too far into future
friends excitedly gather around man's phone to watch shaky footage of concert
washed-up former spelling bee champion sitting in front of tv sadly mouthing along with scripps contestants
area man can't imagine life without this woman
fda to increase recommended dosage of acetaminophen for children who can handle their shit
raid introduces new box to cover bug until you work up emotional strength to kill it
hair carefully disheveled in 20-minute ritual
thing that got area man a laugh to be done repeatedly for next 12 years
bose releases new headphones specifically optimized for listening to whitney houston's 'how will i know?'
facebook: 'we will make our product worse, you will be upset, and then you will live with it'
biden chokes up while describing hardworking americans who can only afford shitty ditch weed
life: 6 ways to know for sure that what you’re drinking from is actually a cup
life: heartwarming: chipotle is offering a $40 gift certificate to the family of anyone who dies while preventing a chipotle burrito from getting wet
career spider not sure she's ready for 3,000 children at this point
auction won by crab with $20 stuck in claw
candy purchase puts yet more money in raisinets' bloated coffers
trump called up for vietnam service after last of draft deferments expires
life: finally: victoria’s secret just introduced a line of whatever the fuck kind of bra situation old ladies use
target demographic growing up right before wistful advertiser's eyes
white guy held accountable for crime
honest, hardworking man leans against reliable pickup truck
life: 6 guys in the neighborhood who might be flirting with mom, it’s hard to tell
north west makes adorable request to maintain her human dignity
should animals be doing more for animal rights?
lie to cover surprise party sounds more fun than surprise party
group of good-looking people all headed toward same place
burmese python just as freaked out that it's swallowing entire toddler
breaking: the onion has detected a virus on your computer
jeb bush's children vehemently deny having ever loved father
gop lawmakers watch silently as trump strangles each of their loved ones in turn
keanu reeves recalls preparing for ‘john wick 3’ by acting in two previous ‘john wick’ films
nation curious after discovering mysterious, eccentric benefactor paid off country’s debt in full
coroner's report: john denver had sunshine on shoulders at time of crash
senile senator allowed to believe he solved immigration crisis
teen breaks rules in socially accepted ways
defiant milosevic eats big, sloppy sandwich during trial
cashier allows line-cutting to go unpunished
buchanan reveals thousands of americans made in china
what grieving widow needs is a day at the spa
report: crooked border guards planting illegal immigrants in cars
concert security guard would willingly give his life to protect coldplay
ted danson tries to steer interview back toward becker
u.s. takes out key iraqi bases in midnight raid
pop culture expert surprisingly not ashamed of self
new study finds 'the onion' has never been more popular, more beloved, or more respected
life: 5 times the animatronic fox on splash mountain addressed me by name and told me he was going to marry my dad
texas sheriff cracks down on chicken-on-chicken violence
james harden: ‘i just want a fair shot where i can get a foul called on every play’
really-loud-whistle guy takes every opportunity to whistle loudly
news: a historic find: archaeologists have discovered the tomb that both genghis khan and miles davis are buried in
mom holds knife to throat of dinner guest who offered to help with dishes
mexicans sweeping the nation
incredible evolutionary adaptation: this butterfly can make itself look like it’s on the phone so predators will think it’s too busy to be eaten
tomato genetically modified to be more expensive
vital info on iraqi chemical weapons provided by u.s. company that made them
north korea returns to normalcy with synchronized disco jump-rope gala
boss able to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with personal attacks
new leak reveals that tom clancy will be final boss in ‘tom clancy’s ghost recon breakpoint’
aides trying to talk trump out of sending associates to break into watergate office complex
pan left to soak now predates all current roommates
area woman emotionally invested in jennifer aniston's well-being
man waiting in h&r block lobby nervously eyeing how much more paperwork everyone else brought
pat patriot denies being mascot #5 in prostitution sting police report
from the archives: trump unable to produce certificate proving he's not a festering pile of shit
baby has sinking feeling he left home without oversize multicolor plastic keys
god announces plans to shift majority of resources tied up in humanity project to birds, rocks
child bankrupts make a wish foundation for unlimited wishes
archaeologists apologize for murdering last remaining neanderthal in fit of crazed bloodlust
u.s. claims drone was minding own business on its way to church when iran attacked it out of nowhere
sniper draws moustache on crosshairs
obama hoping he doesn’t run into u.s. populace after presidency
resourceful man able to cobble together bad mood from handful of minor annoyances
hot puerto rican scientist sweeps latin nobel prize awards
voyeur researchers recommend at least 7 hours of watching someone sleep per night
trump administration urges saudis to stick to killing random yemeni civilians
cia admits role in 1985 coup to oust david lee roth
mind of a master: martin scorsese’s 10 rules for how to eat peanuts
viacom demands youtube pull 400,000 ex-tv viewers from its site
states now offering millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs’
audubon society reveal they've only seen, like, 3 birds
parents legally change 9-year-old's name to better reflect current pop culture
pence passing time during trump's speech by mentally baptizing senators
turkey sandwich given locally relevant name
life: feminism ftw! mattel has released a new barbie that gets rich selling her placenta to wealthy chinese businessmen
dog doesn't realize he just graduated
new law requires richard gere to personally inform residents when he moves to new neighborhood
dnc chair tracks down biden in everglades tossing whole chickens to gators
last-ditch climate change report provides locations of weapons, current whereabouts of oil executives
schnauzers rioting outside madison square garden following westminster dog show defeat
mike pence vows to cut conservation funding after discovering elk don’t mate for life
area man totally screwing up order of snack consumption during super bowl party
soaring gas prices forcing more americans to drink less gas
daily spin class only thing keeping mom from driving car full of kids into ocean
last week's trek pretty awesome
retreating clinton campaign torches iowa town to slow advance of sanders volunteers
flower freaking out after realizing there’s a bee on it
spacex reveals all 400 dogs on falcon rocket failed to survive trip
list of politically achievable reforms down to just three minor changes to traffic code
looking back on my life, i guess my biggest regret is trying to fight that alligator 5 minutes ago
department of interior brings down derelict rainbow with controlled demolition
google employees disappointed 15th anniversary party only has one solar-powered lego drag race reffed by david pogue
girlfriend talks through whole goddamn commercial
7 most annoying things your coworkers do every day | the onion - america's finest news source
life: 6 editing tips to shorten your singing telegram informing your ex-wife that your son is lost at the mall
rumsfeld equally proud of all his wars
gwyneth paltrow reported as news
disconcerted woman has no memory of telling dressing room attendant her name
julian assange: nobody likes a tattletale
new bomb capable of creating 1,500 new terrorists in single blast
jared and ivanka holding each other at gunpoint in kitchen after simultaneously revealing undercover identities
family comes first, reports man trying to get out of work
new archie graphic novel explores rich inner life of jughead
great lover also great at slinking out
report: today the day they find out you’re a fraud
congress raises livestock minimum wage to $6.50 per hour
virginia agrees to remove confederate ghosts from state capitol
family requests privacy during this unbelievably awesome time
political talk show host suddenly very interested in manslaughter law loopholes
study: depression up among teenage girls able to perceive any part of world around them
who's this little guy?
sorry feminists, but if the wage gap exists, how do women afford all those nice soaps?
everything a goddamn ordeal in area family
wildlife cleaning volunteer stuck with the gulls again
2" x 2" vegetarian section granted on backyard grill
man paid more than enough to put up with this shit
updated alert: okay, got her back. she was just buying a pepsi. just forget it, we’re all good now.
r.e.m.'s children still hoping parents will get back together
the onion’s person of the year 2014
area woman almost imagines taste of peppermint mocha on tongue but stops herself
world's fattest town makes, consumes world's largest mozzarella stick
hentai message board features surprisingly close-knit, supportive community
man remembers it summer solstice after noticing group of pagans fucking in ring of fire on way to work
2016 in entertainment
angry lumberjack demands hearty breakfast
bisexual's parents half-understand
cell-phone user promises girlfriend, entire post office he'll try to change
we put a gopro on grandpa to see what heaven looked like
italian grandmother doesn't have heart to tell family any dipshit can make lasagna
every nbc program to end with character straight up asking viewers what kind of new tv shows they would like to see
incredible heroism: this would-be school shooter wasn’t able to get to the gun he brought to school because two goth kids were making out in front of his locker all day
failed attempt at hyperbole yields dead-on statistic
'diary of anne frank' found in attic
new ice agent establishes dominance by beating up biggest child prisoner on first day
empire state building ultimately supports nsa spying measures
the onion’s special coverage of election day 2016
study: nearly 80 percent of roommates got so drunk last night
man pushing self to point of effort
collection agency holding nation as collateral until trump pays off business debts
report: u.s. parents' top concern is child dying from something they could be blamed for
new biblical evidence reveals christ suffered extensive brain damage during time lying dead in tomb
actually kind of nice: witch gives voodoo doll massage
bank patrons can expect same poor service after merger
man wearing cobra command shirt missed the whole point of ‘g.i. joe’
obama urges young voters to ignore how many lousy candidates democratic party runs
man dives haphazardly into conversation like wounded osprey
new psa reduces accidental staplings by 33 percent
sullen time-traveling teen reports 23rd century sucks
police officer doesn't see a difference between black or light-skinned black suspects
moderator reminds vice presidential debate audience to remain silent when exiting early
cat looking out window, bird form unbelievably intense fifth-of-a-second bond
report: iraq war keeping thousands out of unemployment line
chris farley has hilarious cardiac arrest
toy prepares child to one day pull around real telephone on wheels
almost had him: the police have released the golden state killer from custody because he was just too creepy
house democrats vow to hold president accountable with agriculture bill where first letter of every line spells out ‘impeach trump’
'game of thrones' running out of unkempt old men to cast
local pet store sells living things to just anyone off the street
taylor swift enters alternate universe to date body-building george harrison
5 things to know about elizabeth warren
fisher-price designer would like to see 2-year-old try and choke on newest version
apparently man can't just hate bowling
roommate never seems to leave apartment
netflix switches over to convenient new physical locations
dog meets owner at door in desperate attempt to get ahead of diarrhea-rug scandal
getting what she came for: woman leaves japanese class as soon as she learns the word for ‘beach ball’
chess grandmaster tired of people comparing every life situation to chess match
reddit til: donald trump's mother was a muslim.
study finds 12,000 americans die annually in what are made to look like car accidents
sexy career woman to take hot bath after stressful day (onion tries to write softtcore smut)
postal service releases stamp with anus on it to see if anyone cares what’s on stamps anymore
refrigerator wins american appliance
‘what were we talking about again?’ says trump 15 seconds into phone call to family of fallen soldier
ted cruz attempts to connect with voters by wearing more handsome man’s face as mask
bolton: ‘we will not be drawn into a lengthy ground war in syria—although, saying it out loud, that sounds incredible’
miss universe spends awkward elevator ride with miss alternate universe
john hickenlooper announces support for nuking australia just to see if anyone paying attention
vin diesel puts on 35 pounds of bone for upcoming role
personal trainer impressed by man's improved excuses
god loses tip of finger in black hole accident
microlender forecloses on goat
stupid 16-year-old completely wasting adderall prescription on mental health
celebrity saddened by death of other celebrity
logitech introduces high-resistance keyboard for fitness-minded typists
family dinner successfully covers topics of movies and tv
paul ryan quietly doing seated ab exercises throughout state of the union
obama throws up right there during syria meeting
proud species commits suicide rather than be driven to extinction by humans
everyone has sex
online university allows students to amass crippling debt at own pace
nation's fact-checkers confirm they'll probably wrap up evaluating trump's statements by 2050 at latest
al-qaeda chatter deteriorates into gossip
excited african safari tourists quietly marvel as poacher stalks prey
mom figures it about time to sit down adolescent daughter and explain how weight watchers points work
heartbreaking: a ‘price is right’ contestant just won a dryer that drew carey has clearly been living in
quiz: do you deserve hair?
tom steyer upgrades to luxury-class debate section with hot towels, beverage service
nation admits being so coked-out in '80s they have no memory of reading 'cujo'
toddler makes convincing case for being afraid of horse
dozens of knockoff internets flood market after patent expires
hate-crime bill stalled by pro-hate lobby
obama meeting with contenders for 2020 election
sessions defends separating immigrant families by citing senate confirmation vote
xbox one capable of controlling users with simple voice commands
abby sunderland - concocted history's most extreme plan to get out of a summer job
group of friends chanting 'shots' make compelling point
man guessing he’s stared at giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it
sun pacific unveils new 'hotties' variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines
loan officer from future warns: 'stop mortgaging your home at only 1.65% of the prime rate!'
historical archives: to-day in american history
man who pulls up with music pumping probably coming from someplace cooler
obama turns 50 despite republican opposition
burundi asks neighbor to keep it down
news: accessibility ftw! tic tac is making its breath mints 500 times larger for the visually impaired
ken jennings mistaken for subway's jared again
cnn under fire for failing to disclose pro-iran war panelist actually raytheon deepstrike missile
thousands of students forced to attend iowa state after university sets acceptance rate to 140%
5 times matt damon used his platform to make a neutral statement about fat camp
clinton ominously tells iowan supporters to mark front doors with campaign logo before sundown
paragon of chivalrous virtue lets date have last mozzarella stick
sources: nfl knew what evil lurking within heart of man
the trump documents
narcissist mentally undresses self
plot of 'midnight run' described at length to therapist
michelangelo's david updated
dad recommends hotel 10 miles away from city you’re visiting
engineers unveil new driverless car capable of committing hit-and-run
fox news struggling to attract younger 60-75 demographic
aides concerned trump's mental health declining after president admits he may not be omnipotent living god
buddy system responsible for additional death
man constantly blaming his problems on fact that he's on fire
hillshire farm releases circumcised bratwurst
relationship definitely hurtling toward something
37-year-old makes absolutely heartbreaking last-ditch effort to get really into new band
ford recalls 2010 mustang for being too cool
man pissed after becoming trapped in macy’s thanksgiving day parade while out walking giant pikachu balloon
police seek poorly drawn man
serious man pleased with how jowls are coming in
gym teacher still remembers names of every former pantywaist
atheist swayed by claymation story of christ
thrill-seeker microwaves pot pie without slitting crust
michael dukakis still drives old tank everywhere
nation's ever so malleable simpletons fluttering between candidates like shuttlecocks through every moment of debate
nation allows itself 5 minutes to believe this all going to be over soon
employee keeps up the good work
drew carey signs 75-year contract to host the price is right
kate middleton feels royal baby kicking during queen's coronation anniversary
dad returns from business trip with exotic gifts from idaho
alpha trick-or-treater established by third house
win a $10,000 mall of america dream shooting spree!
federal government adds 600,000 acres to national forbidden zone
biden pins up guitar lesson flyers on white house bulletin board
michael jackson's reputation for punctuality in ruins
belt looks weird on child
parent struggling to find good reason why 5-year-old shouldn’t be afraid of starting school
sheryl crow's freshness date expires
report: jets players lied about concussion symptoms to get out of games
they said what?!: find out what ted nugent, elon musk, and julia roberts have to say
defense attorneys vow to present irrefutable evidence proving jeffrey epstein billionaire
dad announces plan to honk when he's out front
australian parliament gathers to discuss dwindling hemsworth reserves
man's idea for tweet just pops into his mind almost fully formed
financial analysts offer to talk about recession for $5
dog unaware it isn't starving
obama unsure how to turn huge support among women, latinos, gays, african-americans into electoral victory
communists now least threatening group in u.s.
joint chiefs chairman pretty sure he could pull off junta if he really wanted to
video: marine biologists confess what creatures they hope never to discover
area teen quickly running out of chances to be first openly gay anything
nyc opens $500 million decoy subway station to catch turnstile jumpers
radiator saving single loudest clank for 3:32 a.m.
new swiss army phone may pose health risks
fred willard a huge hit at counseling session
eulogizer clearly killer
middle-aged woman believes in fourth marriage, angels
gop throws all financial support behind one candidate
cia awkwardly debriefs obama on creation of crack cocaine
dead-eyed man has been looking for non-humiliating halloween costume for past 2 hours
ben stiller peels banana with own feet
obama throws small business owner into seat, tells him to just smile and keep his fucking mouth shut
news: john oliver just won the internet when he stopped his heart on live tv to confront alfred hitchcock in hell about his sexual harassment allegations
ted cruz attempts to connect with voters by wearing more handsome man's face as mask
flight attendant quietly informs first class passengers where real emergency exits are
francis ford coppola admits wedding scene in ‘the godfather’ needed more lasagna
i've found the perfect girl - the love of my life bwih7wn8g
local youth to insert coin
venmo rolls out feature allowing users to send goons to collect payment
feminism ftw! mattel just added diotima of mantinea to their ‘who the fuck were they—women in history’ doll collection
wife too busy videotaping elk attack to save husband's life
man just waiting tables until fundamental structure of u.s. economy changes
the pros and cons of for-profit colleges
adult bookstore to enhance shopping experience with café
u.s. consumers demand wider selection
thousands dead in wake of low-carbon diet
everyone in coffee shop can tell trainee a goner
morbidly obese man recommends you read the hobbit
child at 9/11 memorial service sternly reminded we are sad today
yosemite closed indefinitely after bear spotted in park
114-year-old attributes longevity to sheer random chance
sun still shining and people laughing as though rip torn isn’t dead
burglar hiding in pistorius' bathroom figures now probably his best chance to escape
ann landers' advice arrives 11 weeks too late
scout returns with news of quicker checkout line to the east
‘the onion’ has finally read michael cohen’s 2013 email regarding his client donald trump and would like to discuss the matter further at his convenience
teammate actually trying to do homework during 30-minute period between school, practice
real or fake? this man eats a taco without tilting his head
'new york times' announces appointment of anonymous source as editor-in-chief
blog: as the editor of ‘hefty dog’ magazine, i swear to bring you only the most accurate information about overweight dogs in this age of misinformation
joe biden hitchhikes to democratic national convention
new study finds americans need 6 hours of sleep at work
[theonion] my name is tammyhaman, i'm divorced and i want to find a guy for the night. do you guys free?
8 terrifying urban legends that will keep you up at night!
taylor swift accused of ripping off beyoncé by giving birth to twins as part of billboard music awards performance
news: major blunder: ‘60 minutes’ slimed a wwii veteran mid-interview in a disastrous attempt to broaden the show’s appeal to children
hungover man horrified to learn he made dozens of plans last night
that guy from that one show spotted with the girl from the shampoo ad
genealogists find 99% of people not related to anyone cool
obama compiles shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace scalia
gummi bear emerges from digestive tract unharmed
report:     % of americans suffer from synesthesia
man wearing 'jewmerica' t-shirt never dreamed he'd see this day
christianity celebrates one billionth unanswered prayer
local sea cow tired of all the lies
fifth-grader writes 'mrs. alan greenspan' all over her notebook
spineless democratic senator caves to demands of sick children
u.s. condemned for pre-emptive use of hillary clinton against pakistan
james holmes elected new nra president
u.s. to slow down relationship with uruguay
dazed jeff bezos realizes he spent entire conversation thinking about how to automate person talking to him
video: huge gaffe: mayor uses giant scissors to cut police tape at scene of a murder
man who’s been in a bunch of buildings figures he’d be a pretty good architect
cia director quietly buys nuclear-attack insurance
georgia adds swastika, middle finger to state flag
walmart vows to defend whichever gays buy their cheap shit
cash-strapped yellowstone cuts funding of program to provide hibernating bears with sleeping caps
fcc sniper takes out matthew mcconaughey to prevent live broadcast of profanity
heartwarming: the yakuza and the harlem globetrotters set aside their differences to film a psa against texting while driving
peruvian shockingly knowledgeable about u.s. history
data technician by day a data technician by night
bill belichick gazes fondly at absence of reflection in vince lombardi trophy
ariel sharon: a life [sponsored by little caesars]
al franken: 'i'm deeply sorry for my hilarious actions'
stupid magazine ranks some stupid crap
savvy man registers 'sleepy romney' twitter account just in case candidate looks tired
neighbors' wi-fi password must be something good
verizon introduces new charge-you-at-whim plan
man dies all by himself
insect with limitless flying space rockets straight for man’s pupil
angela merkel admits she only attending stupid work conference for free trip to argentina
'middle-aged woman angrily demanding price check on rice pudding was once carefree youth, onlookers speculate'
hunter biden admits it was poor judgment to be involved with corrupt biden family
my great-grandfather came to this country with nothing but $10 in his pocket, $300,000 in his bank account, and a dream
obama addresses nation still wearing spock ears
leaked footage reveals grisly scene where detective pikachu examines jigglypuff's corpse at morgue
lovelorn app aches to know your location
nasa administrator announces he will open his body up to sexual tourism
mcdonald's unveils new senior citizen playplace
smoking ban collapses fragile prison economy
same homeless man always begging for change on united flight
'the last jedi' footage reveals chewbacca balding since 'the force awakens'
alcohol unfairly blamed for local man's impaired judgment
fox voluntarily removes reality from programming
bush calls in national marching band to lift u.s. spirits
college basketball star heroically overcomes tragic rape he committed
new anti-drug program teaches teens to resist psychiatrist's constant pressure to use drugs
life: too big for their britches: 6 nobel laureates who can’t even spare 12 hours of their time to hear out my ideas for improving the microwave
riaa bans telling friends about songs
neil armstrong's wife glad to finally get rid of all the space hobby crap
7 signs the bathroom attendant is doing his job just for fun
man stuck in no-man's land between two domino's delivery areas
congress discontinues festival seating after insurance-deregulation-bill stampede
3-day waiting period leads to far more feasible murder plot
shuddering astrid menks comes home to trail of rose petals leading to nude, spread-eagle warren buffett
clinton delivers stump speech in moscow warehouse in effort to appeal to russian hackers
‘star wars ix’ trailer released
suspect cleans up real nice
news: debunked: the photo of obama with a speech balloon saying ‘islam is my main thing’ has been proven to be doctored
latest in anti-virus
little league pitcher just getting fucking shelled
trump campaign store offering special disavowed discount on all ‘send her back’ merchandise
new election ruling allows candidates to remain completely anonymous throughout campaign
report: someone probably masturbating to this stock photo right now
quiz: are you rich enough to look at clickhole’s platinum collection of ultra-elite content?
custody battle sparks couple's first-ever interest in child
historians reveal thousands of immigrants were forced to change hairstyle at ellis island
pros and cons of banning bottled water
atlanta-area church to burn ceremonially throughout olympics
succession of terrible events fails to befall 33-year-old riding longboard to digital media job
high school elects gay 45-year-old homecoming king for first time in school history
fellow cheerleaders rally cheer of support for recently raped teammate
chicago police department to monitor all interactions with public using new bullet cams
deformed, half-feathered audubon society president flees into forest after injecting self with bird dna
semester at sea students steal anchor for dorm room
pabst drinker celebrates pabst purchase with pabst
man feeling pressure to give mom grandchildren while she still around to raise them
news: staying pure: mike pence just instructed his secret service detail to riddle him with bullets if his hands ever go below his waist
free hidden services
no-makeup look easier to achieve than elle claims
rockstar games begins imprisoning programmers for ‘red dead redemption 3’
pep talk laced with personal threats
50-year-old prince licks aarp representative's face
first date in six months to be last date in six years
woman longs for caress of boyfriend's dry, cracked, bleeding hands
'warcraft' sequel lets gamers play a character playing 'warcraft'
military historians discover majority of human warfare fought by disguised women taking place of ailing fathers
bernie sanders fills in for factory worker unable to take time off to vote
'there are things that exist which are not good,' says obama in stunning rebuke of trump
dow up 300 after deaths of 400
perfect day in: get subconsciously activated into killing a k-pop star, and 4 other plans for a perfect day in seoul
local building accessible to only the strongest of the handicapped
zaire to take some time off, compose itself
life: heartbreaking: the ceo of tide has posted dozens of videos of him slamming himself in the nuts with a hoover vacuum to try and kick off a viral challenge that doesn’t involve tide
expressing deeply held political opinion referred to as 'gaffe'
'access hollywood' reporter vows to get to very surface of story
security guard can't afford to relax for so much as six hours
clinton promises to enact agenda whether or not she elected
israeli soldiers open fire on palestinians carrying potentially dangerous injured friends
3 years ago he hated gay people. today he’s a completely different person. still pretty weird that he used to hate gay people though.
nation's rich and powerful wondering when rest of americans will just give up
motivational tape gets man excited for 20 minutes
gay rights leader lookin' good
man needs verbal assurance that hand stamp will get him back in
man remembers exactly where he was in ‘final fantasy x’ when he heard about 9/11
nation too sad to fuck even though it’s what prince would have wanted
mood in car takes grim turn after dad misses exit
u.s. won’t rule out escalating defense-sector profits from syria conflict
nbc cancels csi
supreme court rules death penalty is 'totally badass'
ice in urinal just cherry on top for man who came to club to drink piss
university with 20,000 applicants to choose from somehow goes with caitlin
i guess i’m only tough on stains because my dad was so tough on me
life: when parents snapchat: 5 hilarious snapchat fails that were also unfortunately the last transmissions i received from my mother and father on their ill-fated trip into the grand canyon
obama begins state of the union by asking congress to imagine newt gingrich standing before them
you to still die one day
biden says life better than it was 4 years ago but nothing can touch summer of '87
u.s. ambassador to cambodia thinks diplomatic immunity covers what he just did
al franken tearfully announces intention to step down from role as harasser of women
confused marines capture al-jazeera leader
mike pence brings wife up onstage to help demonstrate how much contact appropriate before marriage
beyond the obvious: 6 other social networks besides trainfuckers you’ve gotta join if you’re sexually attracted to trains
'richie rich' comics introduces new, even gayer character
incredible life hack: the wealthy are now buying spots in heaven from the church before they die
pope francis admits 'like 97%' of past church leadership 'probably burning in hell'
alert: this 16-year-old girl is believed to be missing, please be on the lookout for a—oh wait, she’s right here, nevermind
area man would have done things differently if he were killer in movie
area man got good amount of meat in that last bite
alarming study finds 60% of americans don’t know where their next value meal going to come from
ted cruz stuck in nosebleed seats at senate campaign rally
amazing: read these newly discovered letters between jfk and marilyn monroe
democratic candidate blows fundraising lead on massive 15-story lawn sign
some sense knocked into girlfriend's son
ira glass tries to explain 'this american life' at high school reunion
huckabee sanders warns stormy daniels' disclosures just steamy, sexy distraction from real issues
fda deems genetically modified salmon too handsome to eat
paper towels on amazon surge to $2,000 a roll after crippling cost increase of paying workers a living wage
anxious gina haspel gives self little pep interrogation in bathroom mirror
25-year-old man no longer impressed by mewtwo
odorite introduces new three-tier urinal cake
obese man impaled in wicker-chair disaster
man nods knowingly at mechanic
actual proctor met at party
atlantic records sends cease-and-desist order to woman using lizzo’s ‘juice’ as her personal anthem
international aids conference attendees receive complimentary gift bag full of awesome aids gear
incredibly sad: this man eats enough auntie anne’s to warrant using their app
roy moore retires from politics to spend more quality time with someone's kid
diplomacy disaster: president trump just sent out a series of tweets that makes it pretty clear that he’s under the impression he spent the past few days hanging out with chris farley
researchers confirm meditation can reduce stress but totally get it if you were just venting and don’t actually want advice
name of gay bar should have been clearer
man humiliated by wi-fi’s poor behavior in front of guests
corporate retreat teaches employees how to dick around as team
report: there must be some trick to unfolding table legs
chinese guy still insisting it was him in front of that tank
republicans take the senate | the onion - midterm elections 2002
middle-aged man having best snacks of his life
candidates annoyed to have to take stance on zinc mining
arsenio hall writers still keeping in touch
article about one world trade center building includes paragraph explaining 9/11
doctors recommend getting 8 centuries of cryosleep
mccain clinches religious vote with stirring high-register rendition of 'ave maria'
man not sure why girlfriend having him hang cluster of empty picture frames but willing to go with it
old, wizened fantasy character confirms that the darkness is rising
man who should be president has asymmetrical eyebrows
husband pretty sure he hooked up gas stove correctly
innovative: toyota is saving cyclists’ lives by adding ramps to their car doors
tearful elon musk warns about dangers of ai after having heart broken by beautiful robotrix
alien still hasn't gotten around to listening to whole voyager golden record
report: one in five women training to be yoga instructors
news: taking a stand: disney will add donald trump to its animatronic hall of presidents, but it will be able to feel pain
news: privacy win! levi’s has finally developed jeans that people wearing contact lenses cannot see through
'a cashier at our davenport location did what?' disgusted sbarro ceo asks
open dialogue two americans having about race pretty hilarious
news: olympic setback: usain bolt’s skeleton sprinted out of his skin in the middle of a race and disappeared screaming into the rainforest
tearful trump puts down ladle, walks out of soup kitchen after learning charitable foundation shutting down
subway breeding program successfully creates black forest ham–meatball marinara hybrid
man worried about drug dealer who's not picking up phone
blog: abstinence-only education is as doomed to fail as the robo-chronotaur built to fight the chronotaur in my screenplay ‘chronotaur: labyrinth of time’
stephen miller enraged after discovering cantaloupe he's fucking from mexico
employer totally botches job interview
blog: what any coward afraid of world war iii doesn’t understand is that the majority of cracker innovation occurs during wartime (by the ceo of nabisco)
oprah winfrey breaks record for most appearances on the cover of 'o magazine'
‘they can’t arrest both of us,’ says giuliani handcuffing himself to times square pikachu
34-year-old asks for big piece
trump supporter has few backup scapegoats ready to go in case crackdown on immigrants doesn't fix everything
desperate obama just wants to know who to give weapons to in order to stop isis
yorkshire terrier monogrammed
nationâ€'s sexual degenerates impatient for gay marriage slippery slope to kick in
u.s. loses u.n. membership after soapy bo obama jumps up on secretary-general
man offended by rude female coworker continuing to speak over him after he clearly interrupted her
5 times on ‘the punisher’ when the punisher kills someone just because they either don’t like grapes or they like grapes way too much
ask a college professor having trouble with the audiovisual equipment
news: keeping in touch: sean spicer has given donald trump his personal email in case the president ever wants to belittle and humiliate him in the future
heroin addicts pressure president to stay course in afghanistan
shocked 'our planet' viewers watch as david attenborough enters scene to break neck of starving polar bear
grandma's #metoo stories fucking horrifying
mexican program aims to reach drug lords before they get caught up in cartels
new ted cruz attack ad declares beto o'rourke too good for texas
algebra notebook forced to bear the brunt of teen's song lyrics
at&t ceo regrets hiring cohen instead of just dropping a ton of cash at trump international hotel like everyone else
new study finds being on cover of ‘people’ magazine best predictor of revealing all
15 years in environment of constant fear somehow fails to rehabilitate prisoner
monocle-wearing oil baron’s cigarette holder splinters in clenched teeth after hearing bernie sanders’ environmental platform
man regrets wasting money on college after failing to secure perfect dream life by 24
ritalin gummis unveiled
life: big relief: this guy who got drunk and harassed a woman last night isn’t usually like that
totally embarrassing: this woman forgot to bring her monocle to her tap class, and now she looks like a fool with just her top hat and cane
sean spicer walking around white house in sunglasses and baseball cap to avoid press
lucrative new oil extraction method involves drilling directly into gas stations
pope breaks ice at clergy abuse summit by having everyone go around and say how many kids they molested
new parents disgusted to learn they had type of baby that shits
report: greatest factor in employee retention boss sending out end-of-year note titled 'thanks team'
‘i’m a trump-era conservative,’ says horrifying man 25 years from now
moral compass lost in woods
researchers find link between education, smartness
plan to live in storage facility voiced
senate republicans promise there will be plenty of time to review kavanaugh writings when they become law of land
campaign setback: gary johnson’s phone is almost out of data
gop leaders confident they'll have cruelty necessary to pass healthcare bill
ice launches campaign to reunite immigrant children with arresting officer
david lynch finally releases colorized edition of ‘eraserhead’
study: 0% of people die from getting fingers lodged in bowling ball and being dragged down lane
gm announces plans to recall driverless car by 2021
competitive adidas unveils darren wilson as new face of brand
parents' password cracked on first try
sorority raises money at local stable with bikini horse wash
dallas cops plant black suspect at murder scene
man looking up at tall building thinking about, you know
sinatra, hope, reagan deadlocked in race to grave
border wall prototype clearly designed by yayoi kusama
finished at last: france finally sent the u.s. the statue of liberty’s husband
new poultry stripe gum hardly tastes like goose after chewing for one minute
woman pieces together timeline of boyfriend’s past relationships like detective tracking zodiac killer
fish species not seen since 1960s thinks it can waltz back into marine biologist's life just like that
kim kardashian is giving a talk on female objectification
authorities urge florida residents to prevent further disasters by finally standing up to hurricane
romney spends day tearfully apologizing at father's grave
84% support marijuana legalization
new yorkers cower as clinton victory speech reverberates across entire state
systems administrator would so fuck new trainee
local news anchor mistakenly reveals salary during broadcast
emmanuel macron not sure how to tell billionaires notre dame repair only costs $200
breaking: emergency room top potential landing spot for tony romo
superstitious ocean blaming all its weird behavior on the moon
omarosa searches through tapes of everyone else in white house using n-word for one of trump
parking lot attendant seemingly unaware new day a gift from god
no big news for bagels: the bagel industry just issued its daily 600-page report on the state of the bagel industry and nothing major has changed since yesterday
turning point usa condemns unlv student for filming racist video in portrait mode
news: going rogue: jeff sessions is continuing to pore over a corkboard of interconnected pictures of himself even after being taken off the case
man doing karaoke clearly sings this one every time
zion williamson excited to play for team with proven history of frittering away generational talents
secret service agent learning a lot from malia’s ‘18th century european history’ seminar
study: 73% of bedroom closets have wife's boy toy crouched naked inside
food purchased as souvenir tragically revealed to be available back home
aging tom cruise no longer able to climb outer wall of skyscraper without taking break halfway through
news: gaming safety ftw: the pokémon in pokémon go will now scream when a player is within a mile of a registered sex offender
life: heartwarming: when this fifth grader had no one to sit with at lunch, the school went ahead and made him a janitor
bouncer instructed not to let people like himself in
area dad spends super bowl looking regretfully at son who wasn't allowed to play football
trump insists he never thought about firing mueller, feeding him to pack of rabid dogs, mounting head in oval office as trophy
playtex unveils new line of quick-dissolving tampons
life: 7 other musicals lin-manuel miranda wrote about aaron burr killing someone before he landed on ‘hamilton’
motor trend car of year stripped of title after appearing as hot rod centerfold
director of high-school play buys director's chair out of own pocket
location of newest mass shooting revealed
'fly, my pretties,' says jeff bezos releasing swarm of amazon drones to hunt down nude photos
china vows to begin aggressively falsifying air pollution numbers
new downloadable content for 'assassin's creed syndicate' factored into monthly living expenses
girls scouts announces they'll never ever let gross fucking boys in
mentally ill man not in mood to gun down strangers, but glad to know that option there if needed
life: inspiring: this surf instructor gives a free lesson to anyone who signs up for 6 lessons
hero soldier receives presidential thumbs-up award
styrofoam clamshell hiding exquisite pearl of pulled pork sandwich
man too deep into sentence to avoid saying word he can't pronounce
goose suddenly realizes it doesn’t have to honk like an idiot entire time it’s flapping wings
study: girls internalize gender stereotypes by age 6
news: beautiful! when this 7-year-old boy could no longer afford treatment for his brain tumor, mitch mcconnell dressed up as batman and wheeled him out of the hospital
american dental association recommends making your gums hurt really bad once a day
only college student staying on campus planning saddest thanksgiving meal of all time
man actually shouting at other man to get jennifer aniston romantic comedy made
know your worth: 5 reasons to hold out for a woman with more chickens in her dowry
pedestrian crossing street makes sure to look at approaching car so driver will feel more guilty if they run him over
john ashcroft frolics in secret vault of winnie-the-pooh toys
third-party candidate forms exploratory committee to see who can cover shifts for him in coming months
scientists pretending to be interested in kicker offering up brain for research
disturbing: this man is wearing socks in the grass
new viacom ad tells employees to get back to work
at the peak of my fame, i could have slept with any werewolf, mummy, or ghoul i wanted (by r.l. stine)
come and see me in video chat. my name is rita2112. i won't let you sleep. 8e67fxm
theodore roosevelt was a gay man
what to expect from tonight’s gop debate
report: friend’s apartment not nice enough to be asking people to take off shoes
band loudly discusses record deal at ihop
thing happens
news: playing hardball: donald trump is having his sons pose shirtless on a barge to lure the women’s march into the potomac
coworkers discover frozen corpse of female colleague who went in search of thermostat
third-grader watching another year of back to school commercials suddenly realizes he'll die one day
man embarrassed thinking about every opinion he's ever articulated
queen elizabeth disappointed in new royal baby boy's lack of proper inbreeding
president-elect edwards seen entering chinatown massage parlor
news: inclusivity win: spacex has successfully launched a handicap-accessible ramp into orbit
trick candles just making birthday boy cry harder
hugh hefner found dead by live-in peacock
nintendo confirms yoshi’s ability to throw eggs to defeat enemies is a pro-abortion stance
child blissfully unaware of motel swimming pool's sordid past
report: attempting to prove masculinity results in over 8 million pulled muscles per year
quiz: can you match the shakespeare quote with the english teacher who insists on explaining why it’s sexual?
laptop really getting off from having both usb ports stuffed
must see: reform at last: after the parkland shooting this florida gun store changed its sign from “guns! guns! guns!” to “guns. guns. guns.”
area man patiently waiting for humiliating email to cycle off first page
report: only 47,000 social justice milestones to go before u.s. achieves full equality
clinton questions obama's ability to greet world leaders
'the onion' hires several pastry chefs away from entenmann's to form new bakery
'ultra hammer' to revolutionize modern pounding
study: whites to be minority in donaldson family by 2027
nation descends into utter moral chaos following 'dear abby' writer's death
they said what?!: find out what jennifer aniston, lenny kravitz, and marissa mayer have to say
vice presidential handlers lure cheney into traveling crate
study: average american has over 9 million imagined sexual partners in lifetime | the onion - america's finest news source
lucky dead student gets own page in yearbook
‘cooking together is so fun,’ says man correcting girlfriend’s every knife cut
hillary clinton: ‘young girls should have an equal opportunity to one day feel power coursing through their body’
top contenders to make it with milly | the onion - america's finest news source
mother annoyed son playing video games on beautiful day when he could go outside to kill people
romney still in hot water after reading gop platform verbatim
study: human hearing most acute when listening to arguing parents from top of stairs
seattle installing ping-pong tables in public parks to deter crime
aisle of hispanic food items all man needs to know about fate of country
heartwarming: when this kid was eating lunch alone, his classmates summoned the devil to sit with him
treasury department releases new 'monsters of the silver screen' $20 bill
surgeon general warns teens cinnamon challenge is not for pussies
queen elizabeth ii to wed longtime partner following passage of gay marriage bill
eminem horrified upon being informed that ‘faggot’ actually a harmful gay slur
millions of americans shocked to discover favorite movie directed by woman
local man foremost expert on what the terrorists should do if they really want to hurt us
trump escalates baltimore attacks with rambling, 3-hour press conference tearing into edgar allan poe
sentimental old founder renames company j.d. power and friends
congress votes to intervene in local wedding
panicked, sweat-covered pope reverses longstanding ban on abortion
employee apparently confident enough in job performance to eat snacks during meeting
republicans call for privatization of next election
25-year-old moving into comfortable, rent-free arrangement in parents’ home worried he’s hit rock bottom
locks of love completes construction of massive hair silo capable of holding 150,000 pounds of hair
should companies discontinue unpaid intern fights?
tim schafer gives ogn an exclusive preview of psychonauts 2’s legal disclaimer screen
u.s. intelligence: nukehavistan may have nuclear weapons | the onion
computer being stupid
conservation program helps struggling rhinos adapt to modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers
doll overstays dollhouse welcome
god names rightful owner of west bank
wealthy teen nearly experiences consequences
how to adopt a child
meghan markle nervously looking over clinic pamphlets weighing her options
23andme forensic kit informs customer what crimes he's committed
hospital guest has creepy feeling someone might have died in her room
a true war: ea reveals the next battlefield game will take place in a divorcing family
john boehner's wife calls for her shutdown king to come back to bed
new ted cruz campaign ad features his kids begging for beto o’rourke to be their new dad
remington debuts new split barrel murder-suicide shotgun | the onion
news: college board has announced that it will add 50 points to your sat score if a school shooting happens during your test
white house officials confirm malia obama now seven feet, nine inches tall
body-positive marketing: dove’s new freak show wagon of ‘nature’s most curious mistakes and human horrors’ is traveling across america to show that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes
elderly patient threatened with suppository
news: market chaos: revlon stocks are plummeting after this guy on a date said he thinks women look more beautiful without makeup
man not even the hot kind
holiday music aficionado urges friends to check out 'frosty the snowman'
roger goodell: ‘it nearly impossible for league to keep up with crimes regularly committed by nfl players’
pit of komodo dragons shocked to discover billionaire who owns them is just 26
sun myung moon funeral to be all weird, sources report
hubble space telescope finds men from venus, women from mars
nra issues ‘f’ rating to bugs bunny for tying up guns into pretzel shape
matt damon loses $500 to guy who promised professional-looking headshots
kfc releases new family-size nugget
mom in nightgown mode
podiatrists recommend getting feet rotated every 6 months
surgery required for new sexual position
report: key goes in but won't turn
makers of good friends cereal not sure how two pictures of ann coulter got on box
man worried new ‘jumanji’ movie going to ruin memory of mediocre afternoon in 1995
area man mystified by layout of adjacent town's kroger
suri cruise somehow already 11
teen learns the negligible value of a dollar
study finds girls outperforming future employers in school
scientists developing pollinating ‘bee drones’
news: shots fired: quiznos has hired subway’s jared fogle for a new ad campaign claiming that quiznos sandwiches cured his pedophilia
clinton campaign airlifts 200 crates of volunteers to wisconsin headquarters
personal trainer impressed by man’s improved excuses
usc insists lori loughlin’s daughter was admitted solely based on socioeconomic background
details of obama’s climate change plan
holy fucking shit: fargas the foreign-exchange student just cracked his head open in gym class and is shrieking like a motherfucker
gorsuch nervous about showering in front of other supreme court justices
chicago out of names for subdivisions
god's gift to women returned
the duality of man: this little boy’s screams are similar to those of a little bitch
it’s officially summer! someone put grandma out on the deck
trump admits he assumed roger stone was already in prison
ringo starr announces 26th beatles album with new backing band
romney receives 20-minute standing ovation at naawp event
facebook bans thousands of snowboarders, base jumpers in crackdown on 'dangerous' accounts
25,000 neti pots recalled after defect causes water to shoot out of eyes, ears
adam levine receives promotion to senior lead singer of maroon 5
david cameron to scottish people: 'i'll kill myself if you leave'
what does not kill me only makes me whinier
new study reveals nothing pfizer's lawyers can't take care of
u.s. troops in iraq excited to finally return to afghanistan
trivial pursuit game reveals man lacks knowledge of basic social skills
bleary-eyed cosmopolitan staffer cranks out 10 billionth way to bring out the animal in your man
kavanaugh claims he never committed sexual assault as it will be defined after future supreme court case
mom hasn't ordered favorite pizza topping in over a decade
i'm div0rced and i want tо find a guy fоr the night. dо yоu friends free? k3
nipsey russell estate releases volume of previously unpublished couplets
man spends whole day dreading fun activity he signed up for
life: environmental win! this couple is infertile
time traveler from 2008 freaked out by guy wearing google glass while smoking e-cigarette
obamacare vs. the gop’s new health plan
the pros and cons of a two-party system
ryan handed romney's latest political positions before walking on stage
life: 6 quick and easy diy ways to deprive your neighbor of sunlight until he is translucent and sick
bizarre assemblage of shapes visible through area man's pockets
coworker hastily leaves break room to avoid 'here comes the boom' spoilers
out-of-control group yields little usable data
police pleasantly surprised to learn man they shot was armed
naturist retreat ends in boner
life: beautiful: this car salesman shaved $1,000 off the sticker price even though it wasn’t going to win him any friends at the regional office
5 pictures of dolly parton dunking that you can’t find anywhere else...because they’re fake, okay?! they aren’t real! we made them in photoshop so you would like us
trump orders all flags to half-staff in honor of american killed on episode of ‘blue bloods’
ted cruz provides detailed response to moderator’s question about why his face so fucking infuriating
jews to celebrate rosh hashasha or something
black friday by the numbers
okie hears there's sam's club work in new mexico
must see: a good sign for the economy? this kid said his dad makes more money than yours
changing weather inspires area conversationalist
twitter introduces red x mark to verify users it's okay to harass
7 fjords i would like to take your family to see without you
next week's school shooting victims thank senate for failing to pass gun bill
natural light very important to local man
captain kirk's life flashes before dying trekkie's eyes
winner didn't even know it was pie-eating contest
'ncis' to cease print edition
congress demands to know how facebook got people to give up their civil liberties without a fight
will new nfl player safety rules ruin football injuries?
side effects sound awesome
report: sharks to only kill 10 people this year but one of them will be you
two dead in 'kind of brutal' slaying
six-year-old announces plans to become ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess
white house now just holding continuous going-away party for departing staffers
man takes parents on tour of city where he came to escape them
did ‘sesame street’ go too far when mr. snuffleupagus got killed by poachers and had his tongue ground up and made into a tea which successfully treated cookie monster’s erectile dysfunction?
bigot relieved to learn gays in his state still effectively subhuman
michael j. fox visibly excited by return to tv
injured troops request extended tours to avoid being sent to walter reed
terrible fucking taste sweeps teen choice awards
polka fan on a real harold loeffelmacher kick lately
'urban legends true,' says friend of cousin's roommate
man returns to work after vacation with fresh, reenergized hatred for job
‘game of thrones’ actors reveal reading script for zombie battle and realizing they wasted careers
experts recommend breaking down crushing defeats into smaller, more manageable failures
'becoming a mother has been the most thrilling experience of my life,' reports woman fleeing hospital with stolen baby
vatican putting out feelers for how public would react to another children'€™s crusade
mathematical skill downplayed to get out of splitting check
back for seconds: barack obama has once again invited ahmed to his house to get another look at that sweet goddamn clock he built
nation's voyeurs watch women's march on washington from bushes
historians politely remind nation to check what's happened in past before making any big decisions
unnamed new gas station struggling to find 'stop 'n go' variant
we were paid way too much money by the national bread council to post these 5 pics of rye bread
woman takes short half-hour break from being feminist to enjoy tv show
nation just wants to be safe, happy, rich, comfortable, entertained at all times
14-year-old collapses under weight of corporate logos
ohio governor makes desperate plea to aquaman
complete fucking idiot considers nikolai rimsky-korsakov russia’s most inventive orchestrator
rodent clearly making its way through steve bannon’s body throughout national security meeting
paul manafort given 47 months in prison
federal government to be run by cheaper mexican officials
engineers still unable to produce styrofoam cup without little center nub sticking out from bottom
julian assange fired from it job at pentagon
the backstreet boys or 'n sync release new album
life: heartwarming: when this woman dressed up as elsa from ‘frozen,’ thousands of little girls with cancer visited her
cnn holds panel discussion to determine if there race problem in america
prima donna surgeon storms out of half-full operating theater
study: majority of time machine owners use device primarily to get couple more hours of sleep
clinton debunks rumors about health by telling audience exact day she will die
message under juice cap totally applies to area woman
obama receives classified briefing on likelihood of ‘krull’ reboot
jim harbaugh starts off day with early morning sprint through ann arbor
clinton deploys very special forces to iraq
queen elizabeth to think mainly about her approaching death throughout olympics ceremony
new roommates attempt to find manly way of saying good night
inspiring bravery: this heroic civilian ran right up to a burning building
god wondering whatever happened to that planet where he made all those monkeys
apple introduces eggplant emoji covered in sores
signs you shouldn’t accept a job offer
life: here’s how to deal with the oldest woman in the world showing up to your grandmother’s funeral and triumphantly flipping the casket
area man carefully weighs one side of argument
study finds backing down in fight with loved one extremely harmful to relationship
ohh, my... q7
report finds child poverty could be cut in half in just 10 years with significant investment
teen sick of mother barging into room with clean, folded clothes
go-getter eliminates two steps from grieving process
coke develops new size!
absolutely devastating: the members of u2 have announced that bono is going to get bonked on the head by a coconut and die in exactly 3 years
local teen walks in on family masturbating | the onion
trump boys chasing wounded boar around white house
psychiatrists deeply concerned for 5% of americans who approve of congress
quiz: how many of these university-level courses about ‘the sopranos’ have you taught?
christ super embarrassed about all that stupid shit he said 2,000 years ago
cruise ship sound system reports widespread feeling of hot hot hot
man hates having to wear condoms all day every day
suborbital ballistic-propulsion engineer not exactly a rocket scientist
report: more americans turning to louder sources for their news
study: home rotisseries only american technological field still advancing
bill cosby announces dates for u.s. college commencement tour
grin slowly spreads across mom's face as meal revealed to contain healthy ingredients
grayson allen putting in countless hours at gym practicing cheap shot
impressive new hire figures out bare minimum of work job requires on first day
new study finds 85% of americans don't know all the dance moves to national anthem
vcr fast-forwarded with toe
bush posts classified ad for 90,000 troops
executive fascinated by electrician's lunch
teen pregnancy rate prompting more high schools to eliminate ‘fuck your brains out’ program
bin laden returns to sea
god doubts he could still create world in just 7 days anymore
ford: new f-150 pickup truck capable of crushing a big turtle in one go
video games cause mass shootings
area man experimented with sex back in college
yak chews thoughtfully
badass pilot slides across hood of plane before diving through window into cockpit seat
mlb season ends over 200 days early after new rules speed up games way too much
life: beautiful: the ceo of firestone tires surprised a sick child in the hospital and showed him pictures of the 2017 tires months before their release
ultimate humiliation: this 7th-grade boy’s mom made him go into victoria’s secret with her while she shopped for thongs, and all his classmates were watching from the auntie anne’s across the mall
man's ear violently contorted in earphone's vice grip
15,000 years of human artistic endeavor culminate in see spot run
comic-book superrman impervious to copyediting
congress orders clerk to see if he has any in the back
cop confident he'll be exonerated by clear video evidence of him shooting defenseless black man
area woman marries into health insurance
last male heir to bloodline watches movie alone on laptop
older prostitute explains to younger prostitute who richard belzer is, what he expects
stanford students admit it was pretty obvious billionaire’s dog didn’t get in by itself
tour guide one stop behind clearly giving more interesting tour
son discovers dad's welcome back, kotter spec script while cleaning out attic
new study finds humans shouldn't spend more than 5 consecutive hours together
man pledges loyalty to brand in quiet convenience store ceremony
blog: anyone who thinks petitions don’t accomplish anything needs to remember that only 3 people signed the petition that i drink my own urine, and i still did it
brutally honest new revlon ad campaign reminds customers you can’t change what you are
u.s. dispatches condolence drones to middle east following civilian casualties
14-year-old congressional whiz kid balances budget
dildo manufacturers association: nation must return to normalcy, purchase dildos
america ends negotiations with bloodthirsty warlord: a look back at john bolton's time in the trump administration
recovering alcoholic pissed he hit rock bottom before craft beer boom
man brings son into office to see where dad emasculated.
rahm emanuel concerned gun violence could spread to parts of city he gives shit about
handshake comes in at unusually high angle, velocity
top newsmakers of 2016
george w. bush having trouble finding decent cocaine since leaving white house
enterprising child saves $54 to buy barrel of oil
obama lays out plan to achieve lasting peace talks in middle east
john bolton: ‘an attack on two saudi oil tankers is an attack on all americans’
grandfather's advice pretty bad for someone who's lived that long
woman nervously reaches for cell phone as suspicious black man tells her today’s soup is minestrone
desperate catholic church now offering sainthood to anyone who regularly attends weekly mass
'the natural' not on tv often enough for area dad
report: cost of raising neglected children still low as ever
world's best dad has world's worst arteries
7 creative and inexpensive first date ideas
robin williams inflicted on holiday moviegoers for eighth straight year
therapist beginning to show cracks in caring façade
breaking: kyle acting like petulant little shit in 3rd period
‘apex legends’ players finally getting good enough to make game impossible for average people to enjoy
whether you lean to the right or lean to the left, can we all just agree to cha-cha real smooth now?
117-aerocar pileup clogs troposphere for hours
matt damon appears fully nude for first time in local man’s imagination
‘stop giving us toys that are homework’: america’s 9-year-old girls have announced they’re pretty burned out on stem shit and would just like some normal toys
more cities providing bins for materials that look recyclable
donald trump is adolf hitler
study: most high school graduates woefully unprepared for high school
exhausted studio has done all it can in terms of building excitement for 'the lincoln lawyer'
ceo has big ideas to grow company's problems
dad hands phone off to mom immediately after being wished happy father's day
republicans praise nixon administration for allowing qaddafi to rule libya so he could one day be overthrown
rick santorum slightly embarrassed for man introducing him as next president of united states
sixth super bowl win continues to elude patriots
new report finds energy drink consumption can lead to heart bursting out of chest, riding away on tiny skateboard
cubs fan ready to get completely drunk again on only 2 days'€™ rest
egyptian populace to hopefully get something better than democracy out of all this
rockin' party dude strongly recommends additional drinking
animals keeping impending earthquake to selves
nfl announcer better hurry the fuck up congratulating producer on new baby and get back to game
mother only wants one bite
bo, sunny obama announce selection of artist for their official portraits
wolf blitzer debuts new real-time election results beard
nation mostly alarmed that government's top programs handled by 29-year-olds
[theonion] this is not a dating site. largest in world online search sex partners
life: inspiring: this young girl still gets to dream of being the first female president
10 giant cocks nsfw
bannon's cyst finally ruptures
subpoenaed trump organization financial documents reveal company's only holding is single dairy queen in new jersey
bush hides u.s. report card in sock drawer
reno orders investigation of u.s. department of corruption
uninsured man hopes his symptoms diagnosed this week on house
coworker retreats to remote corner of office to complete disgusting food order
mtv shifts focus to youth
cover letter specifically tailored to company even sadder than generic ones
sight of 400 war elephants on horizon marks hillary clinton’s arrival in swing state
wltz hartford's number one choice for continuous soft hits
man in international airport only speaks business
clearing things up: kiss has announced that all of their sex songs are about having sex with human women even though they’re dressed up as demons and aliens and a cat
thieves make off with museum's most valuable docents
restaurant'€™s eating challenge rewards any patron who can consume reasonably portioned meal
pope francis on vatican abuse scandal: 'just tell me whose feet to wash'
john hickenlooper drops out of 2020 presidential race one assumes
teen who just discovered led zeppelin starting to piss off friends
music historians uncover evidence of 18th-century viennese boy band mozart fronted before leaving to pursue solo career
raccoon family tired of taking care of rabid father
area teens find once-in-a-lifetime love
parents chart child's width on kitchen wall
breaking: 'the onion' in kill range of boston bomber suspect
every baby boomer in country urged to resign after photos emerge of them in blackface
those close to nation say it showed dozens of warning signs leading up to massacre
wolf blitzer walks into middle of olive garden commercial to announce breaking election results
life: how far we’ve come: this incredible photograph from 1959 shows what it was like when magic 8 balls were so big they took up an entire room
loft apartments converted to mayonnaise factory
traumatized nation terrified to make its voice heard in another election
taking a stand: starkist tuna announced they’ll never collaborate with louis c.k. on his own line of canned fish
local senior impressed with restaurant cheesecake
'the internship' poised to be biggest comedy of 2005
obama calls for turret-mounted video cameras on all police tanks
paris review receives mysterious plimpton essay about being a ghost
ikea ceo wants new desk on his desk by end of day
george clooney beginning to think he should buy his own tuxedo
growing ‘fat-earther’ movement believes planet 2.4 quintillion pounds overweight
one last humiliation: the cia just bungled an attempt to drop a piano on fidel castro's funeral procession
bill & melinda gates shocked to learn ghanaian school never intended to pay back money lent to them
man under impression he went down fighting
just call the whole thing off: the instagram post announcing this couple’s engagement only has 16 likes and a spam comment
policeman breaks up area party out of pity
everyday internet safety tips
nickname to forever prevent people from getting to know the real dumptruck
obama to wait for next bruce springsteen album for word on economy
sales of guys gone wild video disappointing
man tentatively takes shot at bad-mouthing girlfriend’s family for first time
athlete’s heartwarming story fucking sucks
7 hacks to get the most out of your chipotle order
daniel tosh chuckles through own violent rape
inside: spring fashions so glamorous you'll practically shit yourself
report: 42% of relationships begin with leaning over apartment balcony to see beautiful new neighbor watering zinnias below
john kerry costs u.s. defense industry $400 billion
fifth tool discovered
what’s next for hillary clinton?
ethical hunter throws duck he shot back into sky
son of edward r. murrow says father 'real dirtbag' compared to onion reporters
incredible innovation: this device called the ‘catapult’ allows you to shoot things over walls and we are so here for it
jerry jones offers to pay players' fines for domestic violence
historians discover thomas jefferson may have secretly fathered multiple other countries
science ftw! the hubble space telescope found a $20 bill
man's wife dies of cancer just like in the movies
survey: rich people more likely to disapprove of ‘participation trophies’ [american voices]
whooshsnaps.biz committed to protecting users' personal information
oscar pistorius swears bloody cricket bat from different murder
no one on pirate ship has any idea what 'splicing the mainbrace' means
ridley scott trades russell crowe to tim burton for johnny depp
entire facebook staff laughs as man tightens privacy settings
news: the legend lives on: the flamingo that antonin scalia was reincarnated as just got a standing ovation at an nra convention
surgeon pretty bummed about losing patient, but it not like they were good friends or anything
video: incredible courage: women talk about the emotional decision to donate their eggs to the egg pit
'time' magazine subscribers brace for inevitable issue with close-up of ted cruz's face
new aphasia study finds empty fullness brokered yellow ideas happily
authorized personnel enjoying untold pleasures beyond designated point
aggressive flagellate just going around whipping other single-celled organisms
mtv blurs out controversial extended middle finger
news: making things right: the pentagon is launching a ballistic missile attack on hawaii to restore faith in the nuclear alert system
major setback: nasa has cancelled plans to go to mars because they can't find anything cute to wear
new zealand prime minister’s baby becomes first to attend u.n. general assembly
another bunch of southerners dead
inspiring resolve: this 12-year-old boy is determined to get away with masturbating in the hotel room he’s sharing with his family on vacation
'incredibles 2' forced to take out grisly cannibalism scene in order to secure pg rating
another disgusting operation proves john mccain is healthy
apple releases three new iphones
nutritionists recommend increasing intake of whatever will earn you free t-shirt from restaurant
global-warming crisis makes for delightful mid-february afternoon
area man sends message to 3,600 friends asking what they're up to tonight
local man thinking about becoming asshole
u.s. border collie rounds up 11 million illegal immigrants
sleeping airline passenger misses out on aisle-wide bacchanalia of peanuts, decaf coffee
hero shop saves hundreds from hunger
crank caller keeps jerking local news team around
insane speed-reader tears through 2,500-word warranty agreement in 4 seconds
18-year-old miraculously finds soulmate in hometown | the onion
unclear if fountain is the type you're allowed to run around in
cosmopolitan releases 40-year compendium: 812,683 ways to please your man
exasperated huckabee sanders reminds press corps that children under 14 can't feel pain
'he's a stockbroker,' says woman who finds that exciting
area man's knee making weird sound
virgin mary night-light stares accusingly as christian teen masturbates
disney's 'toy tales' hits theaters friday
christian science pharmacist refuses to fill any prescription
attention, showtime: clickhole will now audition to take over as admin of the official ‘dexter’ facebook and twitter accounts
berkeley campus on lockdown after loose pages from 'wall street journal' found on park bench
ex-boyfriend hopes to still be terrible, incompatible friends
man's weekly recycling just boxes of nestle drumsticks
kim jong-un, justin timberlake meet to pick new pope, according to shameless attempt to increase web traffic
buckingham palace guards impressed by first lady’s ability to never crack smile
disney trailer teases exit of major character in upcoming film 'death at pooh corner'
russell wilson asks seahawks to modify play where he’s immediately tackled by six players
a preview of all the games corey’s mom’s boyfriend is going to buy him this summer
grandmother's folksy sayings delay senility detection for years
report: adjectives 'tony,' 'snarky' used only by media
asshole even shoots pool like an asshole
jesus announces plans to return once the dow clears 27,000
after i eradicate malaria, i would like to try a threesome
man who sold out country for $ criticizes woman who sold body for $. "maybe i'm just a hypocrite?", asked giuliani rhetorically.
man worried favorite jedi died after seeing 'obi-wan kenobi' trending
2020 democratic hopefuls support marijuana legalization
fox news intern fetching coffee tells herself this will all pay off when she trump's secretary of state one day
report: jack black's life more valuable than yours if it ever comes down to it
this child would have turned 6 today if his mother hadn't given birth to him in october
school board adopts gay-ass uniform policy
glimpse of gene shalit on tv reminds woman it's time for bikini wax
queen elizabeth annoyed nude pictures of prince harry don't show anything good
man hoping to accidentally see roommate's girlfriend naked
coach angry every player gets a trophy
consumption of buncha crunch reverently paused during unsettling scenes of 'american sniper'
infant injuries on the rise
realtor obligated to tell potential buyers about murder happening in basement
'follow your instructions, this is all part of the plan,' hisses richard nixon tattoo protruding from roger stone's back
280 days of meryl streep's year spent being honored
grandma pulls pudding roll-ups from recesses of cupboard
‘invisible airwaves crackle with life,’ reports geddy lee from man’s detached earbud
faith in humanity restored! these reddit users came together to create content for websites in need
guy in philosophy class needs to shut the fuck up
blood-drenched sarah koenig announces topic for upcoming season of 'serial'
curiosity rover frantically driving around mars to make it look like it's been busy before new spacecraft arrives
clinton fumbles with submarine controls; 'everything's in german!' he shouts
entitled deadbeat finally breaks out of 20-year cycle of government dependency
israel's, hamas' disregard for palestinian life aligning nicely
extremely frustrating: this man is tired of his elderly parents calling him for technology help every time their android servant becomes self-aware and tries to rip their skin off
bill clinton waiting until after primaries to endorse candidate
2013 year in review photo essay shaping up to be quite horrific
simple task of going to post office feels like weight of 10,000 boulders
ar-menu-ed and dangerous
fan prefers tarantino's early work when he was shelving movies all day at video store
animal cruelty: whirlpool is coming out with a refrigerator with an extra-loud ice machine just to fuck with dogs
out-of-style woman still has last season's body issues
32-year-old actress dies of old age
facebook user verifies truth of article by carefully checking it against own preconceived opinions
red lobster celebrates return of annual all-you-can-eat krill fest
grizzled band-aid weathers third shower
first place cops looked was inside at-at
defunct 4-year-old sports blog still lurking on internet
3-week-old jack-o'-lantern excited to give one last scare when slightest touch causes it to collapse into disgusting mush
wisconsin has crush on minnesota
jared kushner claims that russian interference less damaging to u.s. democracy than saudi arabia, nepotism, israel, cambridge analytica, uae, illicit donations, erik prince, bill barr, and financial entanglements
fda report finds food prevents hunger 98% of time when properly used
impatient raytheon declares war on north korea
suicide letter full of simpsons references
parents with more vacation time, financial resources want to know when son will come home for a visit
nation letting itself have few moments of celebration before returning to horrifying reality of violent extremism
life: 6 aliens that quite frankly have no shot being selected in the 2017 nba draft
archaeological dig uncovers ancient race of skeleton people
hard-to-resist smoove b
biggest loser in high school adjusting to being ordinary loser in college
freddie prinze jr. fan's favorite color also green
long wait for big toenail to fall off nearly over
dnc speech: ‘i am proud to say i walked in on bill and hillary having sex’
youngest child ever? jonah is just 3 years old | clickhole
video: this will change the way you watch ‘the shawshank redemption’
wal-mart bans semi-nude pantyhose
woman on tv engulfed in animated credit-card bills
not even julian assange clear on what's going on with him right now
fire department deploys unmarked trucks
wildebeest taking awful lot of credit for stampede
the national annoyed after getting stuck performing on nosebleed lollapalooza stage
pet owner not bothering to neuter loser cat
blog: i came to hollywood at 16 with nothing but a suitcase and a dream of falsely accusing someone of sexual assault
casual friday claims lives of 13 nuclear-waste-disposal technicians
video: incredible: soldier surprises his family by returning to afghanistan during his son’s football game
therapists recommend treating people like shit if you're having a bad day
herpetologists discover species of frogs that evolved to spontaneously grow top hat and cane
wild-eyed marco rubio embarks in rowboat to help venezuela coup effort
al roker stares crestfallen at matt lauer tattoo on own torso
aclu explains how some of funds raised will defend rights of weirdos to have sex with trees
emperor penguin demands more smelt
making contact: hundreds of alien civilizations have journeyed to earth after finding out about walnuts
cat that spends life on one of two couch cushions given rabies vaccine
milosevic confesses to crimes against subhumanity
fucking oasis to probably be worked into olympics opening ceremony
area man to make fun of dancing for a bit before nervously joining in
chuck e. cheese’s pit boss tells floor attendant to keep an eye on guest winning big at skee-ball
fcc to fine americans who don't keep up with tv shows
art student's nudes obviously drawn from hustler
gop leaders celebrate decisive win over americans
bold move: hulu has announced that they’re gonna go ahead and reboot ‘shrill’ while it’s still on since you idiots will watch anything
family knows better than to fall for mom’s little bullshit speech about no presents this year
seymour hersh uncovers new thing too sad to think about
what does it mean to be a man?
dad holds best buy salesman's feet to fire with question about hdtv compatibility
congress names very special prosecutor
fed: 'if jobs are meant to be with us, they'll come back on their own'
bqgo to mebq
tv executive claims to be looking for edgy
sweatshirt string emerges triumphant after harrowing journey through hood
how to find the best cheap eats in the dumpsters behind los angeles's best restaurants
blog: while i love the band rush, i worry that neil peart’s need for drumsticks has in some way contributed to deforestation
fritolaysia and snakistan
walgreens to begin keeping most valuable employees behind glass
man worried harassing messages he sending on dating app getting lost among abuse from other guys
study finds americans do most financial planning when figuring out how to get money's worth at buffet
middle-aged cat can't begin to compete with adorable kittens on internet
incredible: this amazing artist depicted what john lennon would look like if he were alive today and far away
director of census bureau calls for updated population report after realizing he forgot to count himself
buttons just don't disappear, reports woman on hands and knees
john kelly takes responsibility for failing to properly silence victims
anteater to lay off the fire ants for awhile
life: children!!! fake sick!! leave school immediately! the beloved gas man is coming to the house today!!
they said what?!: find out what dominic west, thom yorke, and ellen degeneres have to say
mit think-tank develops 20 great gift ideas
automakers ask nation if it still wants that handle above car windows
this day in history: apollo 12 sent to moon to pick up trash left by apollo 11
james dyson meets in secret with alien ambassador to receive technology for new hand dryer
heroic secret service agent takes bull intended for president
chelsea manning, reality winner excitedly hoping nation’s newfound approval of whistleblowers will get them out of jail
local man a paper-towel black hole
sports news in brief: braves manager reminds players he’ll throw out all unclaimed steroids in locker room fridge on friday
clinton campaign treasurer crushed to death after stack of campaign funds topples over
head on pike really pulling together castle's look
mercedes ruehl reference lost on all but mercedes ruehl
paul mccartney saddened after learning about death of longtime collaborator john lennon
firebrand john mccain demands immediate investigation into why he remaining complicit
u.s. won't rule out escalating defense-sector profits from syria conflict
icy snowball can already tell it going to make 9-year-old cry
the onion reviews ‘toy story 4’
new aetna wedding registry lets guests purchase medical procedures couple picked out
report: make it stop
nra spokesman: a hebrew?
oxycontin maker criticized for new ‘it gets you high’ campaign
report: you to learn names of 3 reprehensible public officials this week
area man guesses he doesn't need mc lyte wikipedia page open anymore
world leaders pour into washington to pay last respects to dying nation
little butterball holding up ice cream line
breaking news: some bullshit happening somewhere
adult-entertainment industry donates $100,000 in charity sex to hurricane victims
thoughtful ocean returns body a few days after borrowing it
5 things to know about ‘anthem’
news: pr disaster: the president of panasonic has been forced to resign after 60,000 panasonic tvs ascended to heaven without warning
cost-cutting measures force company to start hiring more female employees
beto o’rourke’s son concerned trump will order ukraine to investigate him next
wow: this incredible world-record pole vaulter is a beautiful example of the amazing things human beings can achieve when they use poles
video: honoring our heroes: woman gives a biscuit to a man she believes is a firefighter
production of 'iceman cometh' canceled due to entire cast getting called back for axe body spray commercial
kavanaugh sobering up after 35-year bender shocked to find out he’s supreme court nominee
report: rising number of weak, emasculated men working as stay-at-home dads
police sketch artist admits to only drawing people who have wronged him personally
man born to party dies partying
spanx introduces new shapewear hood to smooth unsightly heads
heartbreaking: dad has pretty obviously changed his behavior for fear of getting cancelled as if he’s even close to important enough for that to happen
romney appeals to hispanic voters for return of watch he left on dresser
lifetime coffee can you imagine life without coffee?
this but unironically (delted video from 2012)
screaming japanese schoolgirls overturn greenspan's bus
white lesbian mother sues sperm bank after she gave birth to mixed-race baby because she was sent black man's sperm
final german u-boat surrenders to allied powers
work friends calling bill 'william'
ari fleischer replaced by toby keith
new dating site suggests people you already know but thought you were too good for
john deere unveils new line of lawnmower sidecars
economists advise nation's poor to invent the next facebook
sports psychologists suggest tiger's slump may be because of all that shit he went through
life: heartwarming: when this local hooters was about to go out of business, the skeeviest fucking guys imaginable came together to save it
mark zuckerberg announces all of facebook’s future decisions will be made by the cube of justice
thomas the tank engine a little uneasy with his broad autistic following
inspirational english teacher canceled out by every other teacher at school
procrastinating attorney just reuses opening statement from last trial
blog: ram’s use of martin luther king in a truck commercial is proof of just how low corporations will stoop to get americans into the best-in-class trucks they deserve
woman trying to wean self off coffee by switching to long island iced tea
bush quietly rolls back iraq death toll to zero
dad can't believe lawn didn't get him anything for father's day
broncos follow super bowl parade route through treacherous rocky mountain pass
fda warns of using young people’s blood to prevent aging
man arrested for stealing more than $50,000 in beards from hank williams, jr.
bill cosby feeling better now
'what's our best path to 270?' gary johnson asks campaign aides packing up office
dad way scarier when controlling temper
major storytelling error: david benioff is apologizing in advance for a scene in the ‘game of thrones’ finale where jon snow’s cell phone goes off and his ringtone is a 16-bit version of the show’s theme song
hot hot hollywood: danny devito has been spotted sweeping the grass median in the middle of rodeo drive with a small umpire brush in search of fossils
exciting new app allows users to be pawns in 26-year-old ceo's little game
rupert murdoch acquires cable
obama finally reveals nature of his work to daughters
rock fans outraged as bob dylan goes electronica
blog: we never intended facebook live to be anything but a platform for streaming legally performed euthanasia (by mark zuckerberg)
life: the kindness of strangers: when this air marshal forgot to bring his gun on the plane, this amazing passenger let him have his
pictures of smiling group of people taken where john lennon was murdered
subway sandwich emits noxious honey mustard spray as defense against predators
news: security ftw! the state department has released a new map of the world where america is too small for isis to find
bannon forced to cancel 'muscle & fitness' cover shoot to testify before grand jury
dysfunctional family statistically average
abused 12-year-old alabama girl doesn’t think she can handle being a mom on top of everything else
everything we know about xbox’s project scarlett
sullen jeff sessions scrolls through minority incarceration statistics to cheer self up
can a mother actually lift a car if her child is trapped under it?
cinzano poster brings touch of class to shithole
nhl fines ozzie guillen just to see if he'll pay
‘i was the one who slept with stormy daniels,’ says sonny perdue in desperate attempt to serve as trump’s fall guy
successories poster shoplifted
jim morrison stares creepily out of apartment window
'new york times' announces new columnist will contribute nothing to society 3 times a week
just-opened factory to create 250 new jobs, 170 new cancer cases
former orca trainer granted final wish to be buried at seaworld
unremarkable man resembles burt ward
7-year-old transfers friend's obituary onto silly putty for posterity
disney to recoup solo losses through new holocaust themed ride at disney land. "we're going to remake schindler's list as well, in color, and with more space battles. pew pew pew pew pew!"
what smoking a cigarette does to the body
outfit just screams police officer
area mom issues stern warning on road where she once got a ticket
pilots who fly drones into wildfires are idiots. punish them
single diner in empty restaurant asked to move to smaller table
expansive obama state of the union speech to touch on patent law, entomology, the films of robert altman
humanizing detail tacked onto end of new board member's bio
life: the season of giving: 5 other men who live in a workshop full of deer you can leave milk and cookies out for
conjoined twins separated at birth reunited in freak accident
elderly man hailed as alert
nana j. reclaims top spot from gram gram following exceptional birthday outing
indonesian unrest quelled for tourist season
'flatbread means pizza,' man explains to visiting father
unidentified wooden pole leaning against garage wall
onion social ceo embarks on tour of several coffee shops near where he lives
chance the rapper clarifies he from chicago
humane society volunteer spends whole adoption meeting trying to sell family on sicker cat
conair releases new double-sided curling iron for flawless burns
bus passenger stops trying to enjoy kansas scenery
methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party
trojan unveils new 3-piece formal condoms
hyperbrain satellite says: "invest in wigan"
elderly woman relieved to know she’s tackled last technological advancement of lifetime
r.l. stine admits every book he’s written directly dictated to him by god
the onion's state-by-state election guide
area man's mother sizes up new girlfriend's pelvic span
classic boring
single napkin accompanying takeout order presumes man eats anything like human being
meals on wheels volunteers deliver body chocolate, edible underwear to seniors shut in on valentine's day
woman has no business being an extrovert
could hillary clinton have what it takes to defeat the democrats in 2008?
nation's sports fans demand to spend $21.99 on something
woman with furrowed brow on airplane carefully studies article about which actress wore dress better
mom hasn't said full, uninterrupted sentence to family since 1997
area cow doesn't suspect a thing
theonion how are you? tp
life: 5 tips for clogging your drain to keep whatever is trying to come up out of it at bay
naughty butcher specializes in penis-shaped veal cutlet
planet explodes
prince charles weds longtime horse
youtuber cringing while watching amateurish early, current work
sonny bono foundation prevents at-risk youths from skiing into trees
mosquito confronts partner after testing positive for zika
charlton heston's gun taken from his cold, dead hands
scott walker watches candidates emerge shaken from gop’s female experience simulator
summer camp hierarchy thrown into chaos after second girl learns how to french braid
tennis instructor mentoring young player sees potential in parents' income
fast food drive-thru just cow carcass, bucket for money
report: 83% of americans just want to put on sunglasses and say ‘let’s do this’
federal judge pencils blocking trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into monthly schedule
hillary clinton issues single-word victory speech following super tuesday results
genetics emphatically deny playing any part in area man's body
drunk driver in the zone
'try it now,' shouts gogo internet technician standing on plane wing while fixing in-flight wireless connection
black man at walgreens impressed by how attentively employees tailing him
researchers find human beings naturally evolved toward monogamy and carrying on fun little flings on side
acne medication may cause dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing
new claritin flamethrower incinerates whatever causing allergies
area man could have sworn randy newman sang welcome back, kotter theme
ex-sniper shot dead after surviving years in harrowing united states
chris christie emits loud sob as paul ryan asks crowd whether they worse off now than they were 4 years ago
it's never too early to sit your child down and tell them that sex is illegal and babies come from putting eggs in the microwave
rudy giuliani suddenly realizes he's been grinning during entire 9/11 ceremony
woman's body confusing jumble of celtic, egyptian, japanese symbols
cia headquarters disappears
fighting harassment: twitter will now only allow users to tweet, ‘die, bitch’ to bitches who should die
millions head to internet to figure out their own opinions about debate
area man somehow endures harrowing entertainment-free commute
dying baboon pretty low on heart-transplant list
white house receives letter addressed to gerald ford or current president
nation’s mothers describe how nice it would be if you lived closer
woman passing out candy unsure whether to give some to teen mom too
loud fake laugh misinterpreted as loud real laugh in critical sarcasm miscalculation
catherine zeta-jones happy to see people on internet would still hit that
woman can’t wait to get home and take off uncomfortable persona
nation unable to recall if trump said he'd personally fund abortion bombings or if that just sounds right
ecuadorian officials starting to get sick of julian assange always leaving dirty dishes all over embassy
benghazi committee instructs hillary clinton to limit answers to 'i failed the american people'
crestfallen ‘unite the right’ organizer eats swastika cake alone after no one shows up to his rally
creative asterisk makes reader unaware of word 'fuck'
man waiting to see how few more decades of racial violence play out before taking action
vanilla ice—who’s doing great!—performs ninja turtles rap at movie he’s not part of
nasa: voyager-1 has officially carried remains of joan crawford outside solar system
frustrated nursing student unable to draw blood without draining entire body
nation praying for super nasty luge accident
how to increase your cognitive ability by reading a fucking book for once
desperate for info: nabisco is offering $25,000 to anyone who can tell them who the hell came up with the idea for fig newtons
buddy sneaks into chest x-ray
fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in
retired marshawn lynch goes into yeast mode while baking
supreme court to hear cases determining whether human beings deserve equal rights
purdue pharma reports opioid deaths falling short of quarterly goals
bush picks up 20 copies of washington post he's in
clickhole is updating its privacy policy
hardened white blood cell no longer hesitates to kill viruses
heartbroken russian ambassador thought special meetings with jeff sessions were very memorable
man who enjoys thing informed he is wrong
these plus-size models are beautiful, no matter what we put in the word balloons next to them
lebron james: "i’m not afraid of losing in cleveland; i’m only afraid of jumping into the air for a slam dunk and never coming down"
no, taylor, what are you doing?!? taylor swift has made casey anthony an official member of her girl gang
oxiclean unveils new stain-removing fabric scissors
climate experts say only hope for saving planet lies with people who save napkins from takeout order
area ladder never thought it would end up a bookcase
suction cup-wearing robert mueller forced to cower behind white house chandelier after trump returns home earlier than planned
new titanic film told from iceberg's point of view
does the world cup enforce the false construct of borders imposed on us by the ruling elite?
pathetic excuse for man paid same wage as female counterpart
cool mccain supporter wears 'mccain 2000' shirt to campaign speech
royal baby already making new friends
queen elizabeth unnerved by stephen miller’s requests to sample royal baby
asian tsunami, hurricane katrina, kashmir earthquake battle for natural disasty award
t attention! on this site a lot-of people who want to find a sexy adventure! t
bush: 'our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over'
college graduate to never read a book again
wax-museum fire results in hundreds of new danny devito statues
diversity fail: admissions statistics show that more than 90% of harvard’s incoming freshman class is made up of nerds
rnc taps dennis hastert to lead new youth outreach program
'okay, i'm ready to speak to you under oath,' says eric trump from beneath rubber donald trump mask
coroner's report concludes alton sterling died of institutionalized causes
great barrier reef offers scuba divers chance to see beautiful diversity of ocean death
evil genius' cat subpoenaed
government admits to hiding embarrassingly lame 1973 extraterrestrial encounter
grocery store bar actually has great little happy hour, reports man with a serious problem
'look, just tell us who to kill,' snaps u.s. general as trump enters 20th minute of rambling answer on syria
north dakota flooding reminds people of north dakota's existence
samsonite releases new roller wallet
5 things to know about ben carson
general mills releases new lucky charms with 15 percent less leprechaun meat
g attention! on this site a lot-of people who want to find a sexy adventure! special for theonion
man not sure what to do about vet's request for dog-urine sample
adolescent girl reaching age where she starts exploring stepfather's body
greyhound launches new in-bus magazine
zoologists admit you really got to hand it to bats for learning to fly
life: making things right: when this baby orca washed ashore, a group of courageous bystanders offered the sea an equivalently sized bison
9/11 truther convinced government destroyed past 11 years of his life
man attempting to determine whether restaurant closed without getting too close
new report finds link between each passing day, jeanette getting more beautiful
woman in coffee shop judges a record 147 people
philippine mud wins in landslide
nypd offering no-questions-asked dvd drop-off
u.s. to arab world: 'stop hating us or suffer the consequences'
amazing new hyperbolic chamber greatest invention in the history of mankind ever
vp pick energizes republican basest
video: two years ago, this man was 500 pounds. now he is two men who weigh 250 pounds.
woman on gym treadmill cranks incline up to 90 degrees
what the rise of hookup culture means for everyone but you
botanist holding up entire salad bar
paul ryan discovers half-finished escape tunnel leading out of speaker's office
watch adele’s glitchy grammys performance, then watch this pretty bad digimon concert
george r. r. martin kills off whole family
pieces of bread really starting to pile up for overworked duck
so sweet! these 7,000 ants are best friends!
netanyahu doubles down against obama with powerpoint on perils of affordable care act
chinese factory worker can't believe the shit he makes for americans
robert mueller dreading returning from 2-month european vacation to start russia investigation
man just going to assume apartment has functional carbon monoxide detector somewhere
is it time for the osweiler family to admit the brock osweiler experiment has failed?
teen choice awards honor cory monteith with posthumous surfboard
sara gilbert crush finally starting to subside
rubio refutes claim he soft on immigration by dragging undocumented worker he knocked out cold onto stage
naked eric trump runs through state dinner pursued by screaming au pair
dwarf actor assured guest spot on 'how i met your mother' will not be demeaning
world wonders what trump has on united states that’s forcing nation to keep him in power
maybelline introduces new ideal-woman rubber mask to use in place of makeup
butt of their jokes
granta derided by philistines
here’s why you’re wrong
back of library smells like weed
devastated family struggling to cope after losing everything on dvr [video]
report: recently laid-off workers not doing enough to help economy
national weather service: ‘don’t go surfing unless you can really shred that shit’
star tour operator points out massive costner dropping to awed passengers
it's not okay to just start talking to people you don’t know
terry gilliam barbecue plagued by production delays
revolt forecasted. weather forecast for nyc.
obama blasted by cool, refreshing air
baby steps: china has finally made it illegal to chain a live bear at the front of your driveway and surgically attach a mailbox on its head
life: 5 times the u.s. almost went to war
pussy-hat-wearing jeff flake spotted protesting outside senate ahead of voting yes for kavanaugh
evening's events immediately recapped with digital-camera slide show
‘new day, same bullshit,’ whispers dalai lama before slapping on smile to greet the masses
paintball team visits vietnam memorial
parents trying to gauge if son complete idiot before deciding whether to move to better school district
expert on international jewish conspiracy has never been more than 40 miles outside council bluffs, iowa
cheney urged not to work blue during convention
national association of enablers to americans: ‘c’mon’
life: diversity win! for every male employee this tech company hires, it interviews 3 women
driver swerves to avoid deer standing right in middle of zoo
boxer hopes he can make money punching things in retirement
‘madden nfl 20’ debuts three new romanceable kickers
elderly man spends quiet afternoon in national park feeding trout to eagles
god quietly phasing holy ghost out of trinity
confirmation bombshell: neil gorsuch has rescinded his bid for the supreme court after nancy pelosi asked him if his law books have anything to say about love
blog: what men say in private is for men to know and women to experience in countless terrifying ways
nation demands more slow-motion footage of running basset hounds
faa assures public: air travel 'pretty safe'
news: eyes on the crown: meghan markle just smothered ringo starr with a pillow in a misguided attempt to make herself next in line to be queen
running back's buttocks undulate hypnotically in sexuality-challenging slow-motion replay
q-tip releases new multi-pronged family swab
american dental association recommends teeth
man had no idea cough was going to be wet one
man with stupid breaks off co-dependent relationship
report: most terrorists do not start the day off with a good breakfast
'this is a pointless trip,' obama says while shaking hands with netanyahu
the vice-presidency of joe biden
extension cord on stage steals spotlight from jeb bush during campaign rally
foreign guy probably dressed very fashionably for wherever he's from
sudden computer restart vomits up bilious mess of unsaved documents on screen
bush vows to put man on moon before it disappears at end of month
cost of paper
frustrated russian officials struggling to get any policies through dysfunctional trump administration
country singer trying to think of rhyme for 'shove you'
chuck schumer: 'the american people deserve a president who can more credibly justify war with iran'
patriothole: tribute to a hero: the nra has dug up the body of american superman ronald reagan and placed his corpse in the luxurious massage chair at brookstone
10th-grade prodigy studying mathematics at 10th-grade level
modest isis leader credits promotion entirely to drone strikes
mitt romney frantically running around ohio smiling and waving
white house staff reminded to place lids firmly on trash cans after steve bannon gets into garbage again
doctors: cancer patients who watched the onion's amazon pilot daily showed signs of remission
tearful trump admits nato alliance closest thing to friendship he's ever had
whoa, is that the same guy? this history teacher got crazy hot over the summer after finally going through puberty
this bus stop must be near culinary school
probably a lost cause: 6 amazing quotes that would be pretty inspirational to horses if they could understand them
'everything's $10,000' chain goes out of business
obama orders guantánamo prisoners transferred to next president
ex-girlfriend making huge mistake
emotional wayne lapierre honors victims of background checks
nation's stray dogs call for increased wino-vomit production
poll finds only 83% of new yorkers visit statue of liberty every day
viewers disappointed new ‘frozen 2’ trailer provides almost no clues to the specifics of trump’s conversations with ukrainian president
ed sheeran announces plan to give public well-deserved break from his music
leather-clad ted cruz greeting voters at reno-area fetish club
marilyn manson now going door-to-door trying to shock people
company flat-out asks female candidate how much mileage they can get out of her before she has baby
tom hanks forces houseguests to play 'world war ii' with him
nothing doing down louisiana way, fly-swattin’ sources report
unlikely team of allies unite to take on airport gate agent
man defends home state's license plate design
inconsiderate jackass takes up entire parking space
puzzled nation can remember name ferguson, but not sure from where
america is more religious than other countries due to its proximity to the gates of hell
michele telling the truth.
man who saw 'star wars: the force awakens' 6 times over holidays thought it was pretty good
woman who doesn't use facebook completely out of touch with friends' prejudices
two people who went to same college ruin evening for rest of group
two-faced house guest who didn’t need anything suddenly wants glass of water
paramount pictures proudly shelves latest film
congress not sure what it did to make trump think it wouldn't roll over for whatever he wants in syria
obama administration releases nation's phone records to public
blog: the one thing i miss since becoming vegetarian is animals being killed for my pleasure
intellectual property rights as fleeting as the scent of jasmine, mayfly's wing in autumn
world cup stadium's walls reinforced with 10,000 homeless brazilians
scientists working on immortality better hurry up because ian mckellen is 73
man prefers comic books that don’t insert politics into stories about government-engineered agents of war
nervous pope candidate changes wine into jesus christ's urine
patriothole: nation under siege: berkeley scientists have engineered an unstoppable mecha-‘dreamer’ capable of stealing 6 jobs at once
'wait, mr. bezos, you forgot your tax subsidy!' says andrew cuomo running behind limo
news: the leaks just keep coming: an anonymous white house source just sent the new york times reince priebus in a duffel bag
german-style krackhaüs offers hearty cocaine | the onion
exhausted noam chomsky just going to try and enjoy the day for once
trump vows extensive search to find new dhs director with ideal personality disorders
art experts confirm guggenheim museum a forgery
must see: perfect: gatorade is releasing new 1.5-ounce bottles for people who just walked quickly up the stairs
kid with massive head probably psychic
woman with shitty job her own boss
tips for spoiling your cat
george h.w. bush remembered for vast contributions to aids quilting community
ant hoping queen will notice pretzel crumb he got her
bouncer who's not that big must be fucking crazy
sexy girls for hot sex here rt4__mj3b9p_k_
stunning e3 announcement reveals new video game consoles to phase out graphics entirely
same guy starting each round of applause
absolutely amazing: biblical scholars have discovered that christ’s eyes were much lower down on his face than previously believed
racist merely misspoke
department of the interior sets aside two million acres for car commercials
frustration with husband taken out on soap scum
teens getting hurt playing ‘fire challenge’ game
power-crazed orkin man burns house to ground
caitlyn jenner once more bravely stands up for trans people with unlimited resources
life: heartbreaking: when this 26-year-old married a rich old man, she found out there was an richer, even older man out there
life: selfish: this man found time to build a birdhouse while jonbenét ramsey’s murder is still unsolved
tumor-covered chester cheetah apologizes for role in marketing dangerously cheesy cheetos to children
man can get by in his own language
obama's declaration of swine flu emergency prompts pro-swine-flu republican response
mcdonald's now offering bereavement prices
mike pence criticizes venezuela's use of torture, starvation on non-homosexual citizens
report: mom sending you something
staff members under new defense secretary wondering if they still get summers off
nasa announces plan to replace voyager record with streaming service that aliens can browse from any device
fly on wall can't believe they're restructuring entire west coast division
how to reduce casual racism
nation's middle class chillingly reappears out of nowhere
report: majority of diner's salt and pepper shakers currently being used to diagram elaborately planned bank heists
michael phelps returns to his tank at sea world - the onion
new wearable computer also sucks your dick
report: increase in gun sales to be most concrete result of obama's pro-gun-control speech
nbc to add dateline: flursday
new trump proposal could strip 750,000 of food stamps
the onion introduces ‘you’re right,’ a late night show that isn’t afraid to tell you you’re not part of the problem.
wedding vows explicitly mention price of ceremony
historical archives: kid-ney bean shaped organ recently discovered
pete best reveals he also fired from the who, queen, pink floyd, and the kinks before they took off
unemployed prince harry, meghan markle announce plans to give baby up for adoption
report: average american consumes 156 pounds of sugar per year but would like to consume much more
new mcdonald's sandwich offers free wi-fi
this app turns your photos into music if you want to do that for some reason
20th century fox green-lights 'united 93 vs. predator'
casual drink with acquaintance actually first move in elaborate chess game to get hired at united.com
reedsburg chamber of commerce:'come grow with us'
man fears he may never trust again after treasured picture of duck turns out to be rabbit
pigeon trying to act nonchalant about fresh vomit on sidewalk
mtv executive grounds son for recommending good charlotte
indian casino one of the saddest places on earth
newly sober kavanaugh introduces sponsor who says he needs supreme court seat as part of recovery
horrible bitch of an ex-girlfriend missed terribly
news: major bombshell: j.k. rowling has revealed daniel radcliffe is chinese
obama practices defiant speech to aliens late at night behind oval office desk
criss angel's nephew forced to sit through another lame mindfreak
mark zuckerberg: ‘you should be grateful all your incessant oversharing online is actually worth something’
possible voter suppression? lots of laser tag places are still open today
privileged little artiste writing something oh-so-precious into his moleskine notebook
shy man narrowly evades free sample
man with shitty job just doing this until he gets fired
exhausted, defeated voters finally beginning to relate to hillary clinton
local restaurant makes foolhardy attempt at second location
man builds house he designed when he was eight years old
at a loss: apple has admitted that even they don’t know how parents get their text fonts to be so fucking massive
innovating for good: this sanitation company will pick up your bottles and melt them down into glass blobs for the homeless
senatorial candidate challenges opponent to drop out of race
hardcore gamers only: ‘overwatch’ is increasing its difficulty by adding a senior-citizen character that’s a financial drain and emotional burden on their whole team
life: culture shock: everything you need to know about the beatles
wounded marine: friendly-fire bullets hurt that much more
parent takes out $100 bill in front of wide-eyed 7-year-old
6-day visit to rural african village completely changes woman's facebook profile picture
united airlines updates policy on allowing dogfights in passenger cabin
blissed-out, hemp-wearing sean spicer assures reince priebus this the best thing that ever happened to him
wedding dj could have anyone here
champions league the last 16 draw
members of opening band walking among crowd during intermission like gods among men
no leads sought in asshole's murder
anti-mdma campaign warns teens about dangers of feeling more connected to others
area man self-conscious about all the wrong things
trump boys defend sending saudi arabia plans for cool missile on personal etch a sketch
government squandering social security funds on cake
evangelical christians enter 10th day of vigil outside your house
city to issue deep, meaningful municipal bonds
target range under fire from community members
wallace shawn emerges as frontrunner to replace daniel craig as james bond
'98 oscar mayer wienermobile car & driver's 10 best wienermobiles list
dept. of labor reports it could be nothing, but they may have spotted job in iowa strip mall
cop takes cinnamon bun into own hands
shimmering immaculate republican candidate appears before gop officials
details of dream house getting much less specific with each new place found in price range
report: what you just said reminds man of thing he'd rather talk about
u.s. soldiers to be equipped with powerful mandibles
ultimate endurance challenge: we’re doing 5 laps around this list of harry styles photos
artifacts discovered buried in washington d.c. suggest humans once passed laws there
study: retired dads busier than ever
u.s. not planning to attack iran, says u.s. iran war czar
everyone still remembers time you threw up in 5th grade
spy world-famous
which future u.s. president are you?
proud business owner tapes first customer to wall
overwhelmed dolphins gm ask players to please use automated email form when making trade requests
try this filling superfood smoothie to power you through an exhausting day of massages, meditation, and shopping
new poll finds public becoming more skeptical of profit-driven corporate data mine powered by human misery
millions of drunk cubs fans rioting in heaven following world series win
marathon training tips
heavenly authorities arrest god for leaving children in overheating planet
heroes of the deep: 7 fish that might have eaten osama bin laden
pillow that survived man's tossing and turning stares frozen in horror at fallen comrade lying on ground
report: stagnant economy forcing more americans to take jobs as infrastructure
nation's cuckolded husbands gear up for first day of hunting season with wives' lovers
4 angels banished from heaven for attempting to unionize
white house security officials relieved ivanka trump's computer just cardboard box with mirror on it
news: honoring a legend: the pga has placed arnold palmer’s body in a golf cart that will drive around augusta national golf club forever
bush proud u.s. economic woes can still depress world markets
news: missed opportunity: president obama just found out that he was allowed to sleep in the white house after years of living in a hotel near the reagan airport
definition of fudge-tastic stretched
'there's nothing to it,' secret service agent assures mar-a-lago bellhop assigned rooftop sniper duty
steven spielberg: can his career be salvaged?
terri schiavo dies of embarrassment
if urban meyer didn’t want to get caught up in an abuse scandal, why was he hanging around college football?
mark judge can't believe that fucking lightweight kavanaugh got 'boofing' and 'the devil's triangle' wrong
deeply sad: guy who came in last place in an elvis lookalike contest gets drunk alone in a dive bar
clothes come to forefront as major theme in this year's new york fashion week
prison now allowing death row inmates to receive weekly visitors throughout executions
entomologists retract new spider species discovery after determining it actually just clump of dust, hair
guest given air mattress that will slowly deflate throughout night
government no longer even bothering to hide halliburton favors
fourth-grader drawing big blank on which year 9/11 terror attacks occurred
onion explains: putin's russia
kfc blames popeyes for releasing serial rapist from prison in new attack ad campaign
news: throwing a hail mary: christopher nolan is furiously recutting ‘dunkirk’ as a female-driven coming-of-age story in hopes it will win an oscar
white nationalist movement: myth vs. fact
facebook status update field dreading what area man about to type into it
teens: are they laughing at you?
wedding dj assures anxious man he hasn't forgotten 'build me up buttercup' request
alex jones warns fans quitting his supplements cold turkey can lead to homosexuality, judaism
neil degrasse tyson said what?!
homeless man has nice summer tan going
obama has colorado appraised
loss of virginity more humiliating than original virginity
face of jesus seen on miracle hippie
blog: this is not the america that welcomed my immigrant parents with muted xenophobia
dry, flavorless cupcake disappointing to last bite
man on vacation suddenly realizes no one feeding his hostages
desktop zen rock garden thrown at assistant
roy moore under fire for new 'children are my future' ad campaign
study: marriages between perfectly matched couples should still only last about 15 years
report finds populace has collective goodwill to come together for only 5 more national tragedies
stadium humors old man on stage, sings along to 'hey jude'
obama spends afternoon in garage restoring classic drone
mysterious defibrillator saves accident victim, disappears
judge awards heather mills writing credit on 'eleanor rigby'
'my god, i've discovered the missing link in the russia investigation,' think 379,000 reddit users simultaneously
following his heart: nick jonas fell in love with the horny old lady who bid on a date with him at a charity auction and now he is leaving his wife
new report finds u.s. employees most engaged at workplace while working as frontman of styx
obama announces we are invading iran right now
woman still holding onto hope that toxic friendship could blossom into a toxic relationship
hundreds of blind, pallid disney characters discovered living in caves deep within space mountain
news: diversity win! marvel created a white male superhero who thinks it’s too bad he got powers instead of a latina woman
blog: feminists don’t want to admit it, but it’s actually biological gender differences that keep women from succeeding in my meticulously engineered mega-labyrinth
mom wants to know if you’ll be free if she visits 14 months from now
a master of secrets: this woman won’t loosen her grip on her phone while showing everyone a picture of a dog
biologists still no closer to discovering how birds have sex
life: a mystery unfolding: this woman just got a text from her roommate’s mom
biden huddling with closest advisers on whether to spend 200 bucks on scorpions tickets
we put 700 red dots on a map
microwave-resistant potato alarms scientists
britney spears loses custody of child to in touch magazine
public-speaking student to make point of gesturing
government admits it was only behind destruction of north tower
website humiliating itself
retirees speak out on crucial lawn care issues
news: best. sweepstakes. ever: the grammys are going to assassinate one lucky fan and feature them in the ‘in memoriam’ reel
perky optimist brings joy everywhere she leaves
‘why are you still sleeping on u.s. women’s soccer?’ asks sports website’s first article about women’s soccer in four years
news: legendary collaboration: the kid who plays ‘runes: the card game’ and the kid who eats orange peels are sitting together in the library
being older than daughter babysitter's only qualification
nation's lower class still waiting for first mention by either presidential candidate
serena williams breaks grand slam record
2016 set to be hottest year on record
report: vulgaria may possess flying-car technology
blog: now that trump is ending the senseless ban on elephant trophies, my wife can finally get the elephant head transplant she desperately needs to live
affable anti-semite thinks the jews are doing super job with the media
5 episodes of ‘tales from the crypt’ where the crypt keeper is too angry that sinéad o’connor tore up a picture of the pope to introduce any scary stories
open floor plan increases office shooter's productivity by 95%
disappointing buffalo wild wings not living up to ridicule
garden state  some poor fuck's favorite movie
everyone but you attending some important meeting in other room
um okay sure: 5 types of trees or whatever lol
national geographic finally captures rare shot of antelopeater feeding
another friends star to appear in another big-screen bomb
book about michael jackson available for purchase
jimmy butler gives wolves list of 29 preferred trade destinations
i am drunk and thinking about my ex in an uber with my shoes off. ask me anythingg, i'm feeling really open
cdc study finds decrease in oral sex among teens when researchers are observing
gop officials: kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as white teenager
living in the past! some countries are still using the metric system
nonessential government employee gets back to work
family of congressman glad he finally found outlet for his racism
mcdonald’s turns 75
pope francis pardons those who dodged the draft during crusades
huckabee decries obamacare's failure to help slow, cross-eyed cousin who got kicked by mule
report: average american spends 25% of life waiting in line at cell phone store
american cancer society: colon cancer screenings should start at 45
strongside/weakside: jurgen klinsmann
man who spent 300 hours playing fantasy football this year rewarded with $30 second-place payout
al-qaeda marching band to join macy's parade after incredible audition
2078 nancy pelosi hologram nominated for 38th term in house as party leader
5-year-old at underfunded kindergarten enjoying last few weeks before achievement gap kicks in
man celebrates raise company will eventually use to justify firing him
pentagon ripped off by shady weapons dealer
brad pitt decides to grow out forehead hair
best part of gay 12-year-olds day half hour spent eating lunch alone on staircase
jeb bush warns rnc attendees of bad cialis going around parking lot
you the newest subsidiary of kraft foods
rest of u2 perfectly fine with africans starving
scuba diver expressing either joy or terror
gop introduces new "mystery candidate" with paper bag over head
system for telling clean clothes from dirty falls apart by second day of trip
i am the 'top gun' of commercial airline pilots | the onion - america's finest news source
historic senator robert byrd imploded in controlled demolition
oscar meyer introduces new wiener mobility scooter
authorities swiftly announce 1,600 washington dairy cows found mutilated, arranged in pentagram killed by blizzard
senior citizen apparently here to fix apartment sink
money spent for old time's sake
man deftly downplays his neighborhood to coworker thinking of moving there
michael flynn resigns
tucker carlson unsure why he in middle of 20-minute rant against croutons
local man gets cocky with ladder
tylenol releases new black bile gel caps for people with unbalanced humors
new ronco food exposer spoils food overnight
mark zuckerberg prepares for congressional testimony by poring over lawmakers' personal data
new study confirms this didn't even feel like a 4-day work week
giant altoid heading toward earth
midterms predicted to have largest voter in decades
kushner frantically searching desk drawer for bold solutions to today's most pressing issues
secretary of interior unveils plans for new high-speed creek
nuclear bomb detonates during rehearsal for 'spider-man' musical
48 syrian civilians massacred during claire danes' emmy award acceptance speech
suicide note surprisingly upbeat
wealthiest americans ominously remind nation they could easily drop another $10 billion on election
‘sesame street’ introduces paranoid-schizophrenic muppet to educate kids about pat sajak stealing your empty tuna cans
professor pressured to sleep with student for good course evaluation
acoustic-guitar-wielding trump tells congress 'this here's the story of america'
nation's schools to ensure bullied transgender students hide in stalls of bathrooms corresponding to biological sex
chris christie dreaming about 72-inch springsteen sub
news: corporate disaster: frito-lay has apologized for printing thousands of bags of cheetos that said cheetos could be used as a flotation device
5-year-old critics agree: movie 'cars' only gets better after 40th viewing
entertainment-history buffs re-enact battle of the network stars
melania trump hosts state dinner in stunning black shroud of shrieking crows
clinton goes back in time, teams up with golden-age clinton (better picture in comments)
they said what?!: find out what kristen bell, noam chomsky, and elizabeth banks have to say
the week in pictures – week of january 23, 2017
scientists approve gene editing in embryos
man from chippewa falls, wisconsin hates when people from eagle point claim to be from chippewa falls
tinder announces app will no longer match users solely with distant relatives
this is the handbook each actor who plays aladdin at disney world is given
romney campaign reboots for 72nd consecutive week
hostages freed after tense 7-minute standup set
couple excited to start planning wedding expenses
honey, if you ever have any questions about sex, you can always consult the hundreds of pages of fan fiction in my closet (by gina driggs)
cop hired for posting racist rant on social media
arianna huffington has webcam implanted in forehead
awkward: jeb bush just showed up to richard branson’s private island in his swim trunks and asked if he could hang out with him like barack obama did
report: gop tax bill supported by majority of americans currently suffocating wealthy benefactor with pillow
john kelly hoping prejudiced anti-immigrant comments got him back on trump's good side
lawyers confirm trump willing to answer all of sean hannity’s questions about russia collusion
bush lets war widow punch his arm once
man 20 minutes into organizing shelves becomes grimly aware of what chaos he has wrought
'the convergence is at hand,' announces sears ceo as employees report to company headquarters in white gowns
miss america called before u.n. council for not promoting enough world peace
archivists unearth rare early career paul newman salsa
the onion reviews 'ghostbusters'
recent saving of planet attributed to working assets long-distance plan
'let's all say what we're grateful for,' says mother who apparently believes she's in a norman fucking rockwell painting
dizzying paradox: this man is not hungry, but could eat
voice coming from dnc sound system during sanders address clearly hillary clinton's
fema assures wildfire victims bucket brigade nearly over maryland state line
economists recommend setting aside part of every paycheck in case of dire straits reunion tour
joel siegel 'absolutely loved' dream he had last night
local sales rep hanging in there, can't complain
5 of mom’s friends who got too drunk at their book club and all but said they want to fuck your older brother
warrantless surveillance bill to protect nation by creating dozens of future whistleblowers
mark ruffalo said what?!
cubs eliminated from playoff contention
coal now too expensive to put in christmas stockings
5 things to know about the orchids of asia day spa controversy
barnes & noble creates stripper/prostitute memoir section
report: airlines installing uncomfortable bumps in seatbacks because it pleases them
bus-stop ad has more legal protections than average citizen
fetish only realized after watching wife drown
mohawked rex tillerson warns u.s. democracy threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man
meth addicts demand government address nation's growing spider menace
craigslist apartment listing uses record 354 exclamation points
area man somehow roped into arguing passionately for green day
newly redesigned hillaryclinton.com allows users to fully customize issues page to suit own preferences
there's been an explosion!
kinky girlfriend wants to try sexual pleasure tonight
man, woman experiencing 2 very different sexual tensions
vatican officials quietly paint over part of sistine chapel where michelangelo depicted adam fingering cherub
lindsey graham asks nearby family to take his picture for photo op
trump boys smash father's cell phone to search for chinese spies
resistance win: when one of her students wore a maga hat to class, this incredible teacher stopped having sex with him after school
michael jackson estate releases new documentary alleging king of pop gets lifetime pass for 'thriller'
no one notices area man's marginal attempts to change
local hamburger to star in national ad
spectacular news! dad finished the book that’s been on his bedside table for 23 years
pilot tells passengers he's about to try something
report: we don’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link
melting permafrost to have $70 trillion impact, study finds
anderson cooper begins debate by giving trump opportunity to explain what the fuck is wrong with him
queen elizabeth announces success of monarchy's recent diversity initiative
company to experiment with valuing employees
report: samantha's new haircut pretty bad, but don't say anything
man treats mother to detail about his personal life
landlord not convinced heat isn't working
overworked pajama bottoms pray owner gets job soon
dave matthews band apologizes after tour bus dumps another 800 pounds of human shit onto same boat full of people
finding common ground: this white man and this muslim woman both have ‘trump’ painted on their garages
breaking: waiter picking up napkin with bare hand
researchers say virgin mary actually god’s second choice to bear son
before you go see ‘avengers: infinity war,’ here’s everything you need to know about the endless love and compassion of our lord and savior jesus christ
students watch in sympathy as teacher’s humongous ass erases part of whiteboard
romney dominated debate, say pundits trying to figure out gop candidate's policies
florida passes strict ban on being unarmed
girlfriend's cat choked a little
donald sterling just glad tape recorder batteries died before he got to the real shit
man unwilling to skydive blasted for contradicting previous 'up for whatever' stance
new bailiff tired of hearing how old bailiff did things
price of gas rises to four expletives per gallon
plan to be more positive off to shitty fucking start
harley-davidson releases new motorcycle designed for men
vilsack stays up all night with sick corn plant
man invites friends to bar to watch game, interact fleetingly during commercial breaks
report: majority of statements now prefaced by phrase ‘in light of recent events’
coast guard going to let stranded yacht owner sweat it out little more
heart-wrenching story of how illegal immigration affects jobs
it worked beautifully! i found someone who lived just 3 miles away who is perfect for me eizahvdbh
5 questions: ‘any child whose last wish is to cook with me is already dead’: 5 questions with ina garten
leonardo dicaprio hopes he screamed and cried good enough in 'the revenant' to win oscar
report reveals jesus christ may have benefited from father’s influential position to gain high-powered role as lord and savior
‘el chapo’ extradited to u.s.
fearful americans stockpiling facts before federal government comes to take them away
aging mount st. helens starting to think erupting days are behind it
pitt, aniston to quietly separate
novelty pencil worn down to the nub
house cat announces plans to just sit there for 46 minutes
man walks on fucking moon
patient referred to physician who specializes in giving a shit
area man much happier, more relaxed since joining cult
did bill clinton cheat on monica lewinsky with killary? yes, and our government doesn’t want you to know
calumet farms unveils new tandem horse for couples riding
lives of mitch mcconnell, john boehner, eric cantor retain meaning
scientists give a gorilla depression
pet researchers confirm 100% of owners who leave for work never coming back
trump sick and tired of mainstream media always trying to put his words into some sort of context
jennifer lopez comes out with own clothesline line
some shit’s about to go down: this health teacher just announced that her classroom is a judgment-free zone
mom wants to know if you could use grandma's antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment
father-in-law think tank issues comprehensive one-sentence solution to immigration, unemployment, crime problems
obama vows to split isis into dozens of extremist splinter groups
the pros and cons of helicopter parenting
thousands of new orleans households still without political power
news: closing a chapter: last night a construction crew took down the controversial 400-foot statue of hitler that welcomes visitors to wisconsin
life: uh oh: dan’s death must have been really gnarly if everyone on facebook is being so vague about it
new evidence suggests last ice age caused by earth floating into extremely chilly part of galaxy
lady gaga panics after hearing name called for halftime show while waiting in line for bathroom
creative writing professor takes time to give every student personalized false hope
elderly mother at that age where even just one fall over niagara could be fatal
big-dicked king of the skies: this man just picked up some rolos and a mango naked juice from the airport’s cnbc store
et, access hollywood, tmz choppers hovering above scene of gruesome red carpet dress
hands-off mom lets kids create own psychological issues
henry rollins laboriously explains why buying organic is punk rock
republicans, leukemia team up to repeal healthcare bill
teen had absolutely no say in becoming part of snapchat generation
running into your ex: an etiquette guide | clickhole
'voila,' yells exhausted lady gaga during 149th consecutive costume change as met visitors gingerly step over her
'rolling stone' offering readers 3-month free trial period for buying company
alcoholic's plan for turning life around doesn't involve getting sober
100% of teenagers huge fucking assholes,’ confirms study by sobbing, red-faced scientists
area man relieved to hear state of union still strong
how the hell did they get that? there’s somehow an actual roller coaster at the church carnival this year
jason momoa reveals he spent months becoming useless dumbass to get into character for 'aquaman'
report: everything you've ever wanted has been right in front of you all along
report: happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once family owns 7 ziplines
news: clickhole and patriothole are teaming up to profit off a fracturing america
new, improved obamacare program released on 35 floppy disks
liberals return to sodomy, welfare fraud
hope hicks praying she not still in same shitty job by time she hits 30
find out what pope francis, eric bana, and elon musk have to say
fashion designers announce plans to wave with both hands, bow slightly
nation doesn't know if it can take another bullshit speech about healing
total weirdo spends mother’s day at cemetery
obama, rachel goldstein really hitting it off on group trip to israel
report: some people actually very happy
group that makes dodge truck commercials called 'creative team'
insurance only covers generic heart transplant
friend who sent link to 8-minute youtube video must be fucking delusional
gore mauled by aquatic mammal
trump thanks supporters who sacrificed time, money, friends, family, morals, religious beliefs to be here today
senator can’t believe he has to come in on a wednesday
chuck schumer relieved he's never taken stance meaningful enough to have someone mail him explosive
tom clancy really happy with how latest video game with his name on it came out
fast-learning new hire gains quick grasp of how terrible job is
china bans all types of fentanyl
skywriter leaves suicide note
child's description of heaven during near-death experience specifically mentions book deal
rex, rob ryan finally get bunk beds they always wanted
mark zuckerberg's net worth plunges not even close to enough
woman shouts down hall for boyfriend to come kill giant ax murderer she found in bedroom
‘the bachelor’ accused of leveraging his power as a reality tv star to lure 30 women to california mansion
courageous man overcomes woman's body language to continue hitting on her
suspect wins over detectives with 'rockford files' reference
bloody, detached hand of bears' player still in julius peppers' facemask
wrestling announcer can't believe what he's seeing
lindsey buckingham asks for more screaming at stevie nicks in monitor
angelina jolie coming for your baby
area throat-clearer to go see movie
toddlers debate whether ‘dora’s explorer girls’ canon or expanded universe
comey: ‘what can i say, i’m just a catty bitch from new jersey and i live for drama’
area grasshopper kind of a thorax man himself
congressman fucks own wife out of political necessity
news: major indictment: robert mueller has charged ‘thor: ragnarok’ with being the best movie of 2017
detroit unveils new half-ton, 400 horsepower motown singer
new poll finds 74% of americans would be comfortable blaming female president for problems
monopoly player insists on being wheelbarrow
mildfires amble through california
u.s. anachronism at 'all time high,' says truman
life: major breakthrough: scientists at mit have trapped cancer underneath a bowl
jeff sessions argues family separations only happening because current law doesn't allow him to strangle immigrants with bare hands
supreme court rules supreme court rules
american airlines to phase out complimentary cabin pressurization
typo in proposition 8 defines marriage as between 'one man and one wolfman'
lindsey graham vows to uphold john mccain's legacy by blindly supporting gop agenda after grumbling for a few minutes
bob barr on two-party system: "waaah! waaah!"
drooling imbecile rocks back and forth in delight while watching arby's clap back at burger king on twitter
how gentrification works
christian bale loses 40 years for upcoming movie role
sorry bernie bros, your candidate just doesn’t have the foreign policy experience necessary to prop up a pro-western dictatorship
area mother displays extensive goya collection
world's oldest woman just pleased every other human on earth when she was born now dead
30-year-old factors in birthday money
watch pakistani people take frustratingly small bites of american snack foods for the first time
ruth bader ginsburg returns to off-season lifeguarding job
exhausted nation unsure it has stamina to continue gun control dialogue for fifth consecutive day
hard day's work fails to yield sense of job well done
trump staffer grateful to work with so many people he could turn over to fbi in exchange for immunity
life: animal rights win! boston market has just announced that it has no idea where its rotisserie chickens come from
new candy to hum and glow in mouths
molly hatchet posts surprise upset in former deep purple district
white house blocks seahawks punt
life: chaos: this coffee shop is also an art gallery
mike pence clearly went to ash wednesday services dozens of times
area man would put that meeting in his top 5 all time
sick man slowly becoming enthroned in used tissues
report: john grisham slowly but surely climbing list of greatest living american authors
congress passes seriously uncool legislation
harvey korman cracks up denny's waitress
man trying to enter conversation spends few minutes smiling and nodding at edge of circle | the onion - america's finest news source
ncaa investigating god for giving gifts to athletes
dnc speech: could this democrat testing out phrases and sounds be the future of the party?
olympic bronze medalist to appear in flintstones on ice
single mom ready to get back out there during 30 minutes per week she's not working or watching daughter
daylight saving time yields massive daylight surplus
single most replaceable person in company will walk if he doesn't get raise
mild-mannered reporter suddenly transforms into incredible unemployed man
taquitos finally hatch after days under heat lamp
trump casually mills about supreme court changing rooms ahead of state of the union address
vanquished foe's skull makes surprisingly bad wine goblet
quiz: are?
'my work here is done,' smiles contented bannon before bursting into millions of spores
white house increases security after man shows up at oval office looking for obama
obama's embarrassing ska album resurfaces
man catches bad television show going around office
freezing, coatless woman has decided it is spring
lebron james reveals school he founded has seen huge gains in english, math, and dunk testing
87% of man’s memories shame-based
bedtime story from fucking bible again
brian williams retreats to mountainside hut to meditate on fickle nature of truth
nation’s ceos sign pledge to continue fucking over americans
man forced to reverse-engineer point in midst of meandering, absentminded rant
5 presidents then and now
sessions argues justice department will not be swayed by political considerations outside private prison lobbyists, wall street donors, anti-lgbt christian activists
woman who hasn't bought anything recently wondering why she suddenly happy
house lawmakers brainstorming some good things to say about poor people before meeting pope francis
lazy minor league promotion just 'baseball night at the stadium'
documentary about grisly murder inspires dozens of copycat documentaries
roy moore on pedophilia accusers: ‘these women are only discrediting me now because shifting sociocultural norms have created an environment in which assault allegations are taken seriously’
word 'immunity' used outside of reality show for first time in five years
michael cohen promises more damaging recordings of trump already public
lutheran minister arrested on charges of boring young children
life: sorry, horny boys, but these 7 curvaceous topiaries are pretty much the sexiest thing we can get through your middle school’s content filters
ice opens interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison immigrants across infinite number of multiverses
shocking report says even the smallest horse bite can be harmful to newborn babies
news: a new era: sun-maid raisins has announced that the girl on its box will begin aging!
marriage breaks up over procreative differences
investigators trace cause of notre dame fire to cathedral’s outdated 12th-century electrical system
white house claims iran behind attack on nancy kerrigan
murphy brown: still on the air?
complete disaster: this middle school had a sex ed assembly about the importance of microwaving condoms before and after intercourse and the guest speaker tried to break a cinder block with his head and gave himself a concussion
god feeling down in dumps after death of grandmother
blizzard survival tips
awesome: west elm has released an extremely uncomfortable pull-out couch so friends who come over don’t get any ideas about staying the night
jared kushner assures reporters he never revealed state secrets without turning huge profit
stressed-out paul ryan uses cheat day to indulge in one bipartisan vote
'don't make me regret this,' mueller tells rick gates before uncuffing him to work on investigation together
furloughed government employee using time off to visit local food pantry she been hearing about
trump backtracks on siding with russia over u.s. intelligence community, saying he misspoke
gentle ben biographer's shocking new book reveals famous bear's 28-pine-marten-a-day habit
breaking: mom dropped like 80 bucks on some necklace with an owl on it at the art fair
john goodman's mouth obviously full during dunkin' donuts voice-over
4 copy editors killed in ongoing ap style, chicago manual gang violence
man insists on calling fanny pack 'lumbar satchel'
entertainment weekly wins excellence-in-caption-pun award
variety of unsustainable business models make up extremely hip neighborhood
stomach sets aside synthetic additives until it has a few minutes to figure out how to digest them
friend who's going through difficult emotional time carefully avoided
serena williams stripped of titles after it revealed she’s been playing with a racket in each hand this whole time
liberal hypocrisy: when obama was president democrats were okay with him being president, but when trump is president suddenly it’s wrong to be president?
biden gets grow light delivered to white house under fake name
79-year-old still saving for future
5 slugs that, in retrospect, we sort of whipped ourselves into a frenzy over
seemingly shy woman really just stuck-up, friends say
toddler scientists finally determine number of peas that fit into ear canal
news: confusing: this trump supporter is using ‘bulzby’ as an insult, but it’s not clear if that’s a widely used ‘alt-right’ term or this guy’s own thing
‘please, melania, don’t leave us!’ pleads king of wooded faerie realm as first lady climbs back into tree hollow
dancing machine overheats
top theoretical physicists, r&b singers meet to debate meaning of forever
breaking: we're doing a bad job
woman happy to have such good takeout places she can call when feeling low
iphone 6 vs. samsung galaxy s5
fuck fuck fuck: we promised waaay too much integration to pepperidge farm in this article about a boy dying of cancer raising money for other sick children
traveler amazed by sheer number of mexicans
trump asks why kavanaugh accuser didn’t just immediately request hush money
‘white privilege’ essay contest sparks backlash
wistful woman wonders if this could be the one she'll sleep with for few weeks before losing interest
news: pulling their heartstrings: tearful republicans unanimously voted for the new tax bill after hearing a billionaire’s heart-wrenching story of how he would like to have more money
scumbag: dishonest jerk uses fake head to cheat at russian roulette
lettuce sentenced to slow, painful death in vegetable crisper drawer
32-year-old still not entirely sure where body stands with lactose
weary, cynical woman knows better than to bring tomato plant into world like this
there were just 2 ways out of my neighborhood: basketball or anything else you wanted to do with your life | the onion - america's finest news source
chloë sevign̈y approved for second umlaut
nation horrified to learn about war in afghanistan while reading up on petraeus sex scandal
man to continue slowly drifting into middle of restaurant until host redirects him
report: 95% of grandfathers got job by walking right up and just asking
god pledges $5,000 for cancer research
faith healer loses patient during routine miracle
bad news, gamers! ‘mario & sonic at the olympic games tokyo 2020’ will be the last game
waitress only friendly when bringing the check
man from last week smacked into present day
lone gunman enters crowded restaurant
abc announces ellen will come out in every episode
neighbors remember serial killer as serial killer
spiderman distracts dr. octopus with delicious hostess fruit pies
war on string may be unwinnable, says cat general
slower-burning flag introduced
heartbreaking: this centaur has been standing on a corner in manhattan for hours trying to give someone a quest, but nobody will even make eye contact with him
major pivot: bernie sanders has become staunchly capitalist after tasting mountain dew code red and learning it was made by a corporation
scavenger-hunt party 'not leaving without twine'
news: safety ftw! johnson & johnson has released an 8,000-calorie shampoo people can eat if they get trapped in the shower
world agrees to just take down internet for a while until they can find a good use for it
fraternity brothers make note not to kill pledge whose family has lake house
study finds 60% of parents too busy with divorce to worry about football safety
ominous: the usda has printed gene hackman’s nutritional information on his forehead
upper-middle-class woman worries there's better coffee she doesn't know about
panicking romney attempts to lay off debate moderator
family tells ailing mandela racism over
news: heartwarming: natalie portman just announced that she hopes all sick kids get better
new study finds you’d love being rich asshole
man pinned under blankets for three days
greenspan just repeating detractors' criticisms in high-pitched girly voice
nation's sports fans shocked by truth about 'we will rock you' anthem
trump administration denies president was behind jared kushner's promotion to 4-star general
nation's legislators resume unfettered whoring
man prowling at airport gate ready to pounce like jungle cat at first sign of boarding
smoke detector saves family from buying new batteries for remote
obama, tennessee titans have no clue why team invited to white house
depressed groundhog sees shadow of rodent he once was
mattel preempts backlash over gender-neutral doll with release of new ‘covered in genitals’ barbie
hispanics expected to become majority of u.s. population by middle of father-in-law's rant
'new year, new caleb,' announces self-assured seventh-grader on first day of school
kc masterpiece ceo warns against society's increasing reliance on a1
inspiring rescue: this good samaritan in hawaii waded through lava to rescue a dog from drowning
cia interrogator apologizes profusely after asking question about touchy subject
executive, legislative, judicial branches merge
loyal senator still lying patiently in spot where beloved bill died
fans riot in streets as u.s. victorious
genetically modified chicken lays its own dipping sauce
i didn't join in anticipation that internet dating would work and then unexpectedly found the perfect partner and am very very happy dthh3e2me
empty beer bottle released into wild
trucking industry honors methamphetamines
the arts: what were they?
nfl players absolutely should stand for the ‘sunday night football’ theme
gop maintains solid hold on youth that already look like old men
man wondering when 'ocean's 8' trailer going to show film's protagonist
fertility center asks couple if they want some cheap eggs from a real fucked up chick
how trump plans to improve america’s cybersecurity
aliens arrive late: 'sorry, hope nobody's killed themselves yet,' say aliens
guantanamo bay begins construction on senior care wing
goose thinking of migrating home a couple weeks early to avoid the crowds
man feeling pressure to live up to conversation between barber and customer in next chair
report: most parents willing to entrust children to anyone in character costume
nation's bicyclists remove helmets for head injury month
person with almost no responsibility always stressed out
joss whedon regrets that he brought back a character he killed
nation’s cable companies announce they’re just going to take $100 from everyone: offering no justification for the action aside from their own desire to do so, executives from the nation’s leading cable companies announced plans wednesday to take $100 from every one of their subscribers.
fda: juicy green apple conditioner best used with juicy green apple shampoo
u.s. military announces plan to consolidate all wars into final, epic battle
zoo posting hourly updates on aphid about to give birth
mom spends beach vacation assuming all household duties in closer proximity to ocean
the saga continues: j.k. rowling has revealed that ron eventually loses his job for calling busy philipps a mudblood on twitter
african-american neighborhood terrorized by ask murderer
kate middleton suffering from morning sickness
man sneaks in mid-snack nibble
bette midler ruptures
quiz: can you tell if these are omens or just regular circles of mules?
prime minister of  norway gets laid
video: pregnant wife runs husband over with gender reveal bus
'you are not your job,' obama reminds himself throughout shower
sun-dried sparrow carcass washed away with hose
wrong turn finds man on poor side of mall
police say conditions too nippy to rescue missing hiker
seagull this far inland must be total fuckup
update: ‘the onion’ has halted production on our travel tips video narrated by jeremy piven
chicago public schools celebrate fifth straight day without any student violence
area bus driver would prefer not to say 'you're welcome' for thousandth time today
man entering fog of insanity asked if this his first time at dave & buster’s
orioles creeped out by fan who followed them to spring training
area man probably pervert
more women received mammograms under aca
good guy with gun, bad guy with gun both excited to unload firearm in crowd outside arena
drunk american in england still not used to driving on left sidewalk
[meta] website's new layout feels like deepest betrayal
gay war hero awarded posthumous dishonorable discharge at white house ceremony
self-defense instructor keeps a couple of secrets to himself
second-person narrative enthralling you
area man does indeed belong at applebee's
years of playing tower defense games can’t prepare you for the responsibilities of defending a real tower
mit physicists split the smithereen
biden criticized for appearing in hennessy ads
glorious new tomorrow postponed indefinitely
u.n. address ends in tragedy as ahmadinejad suffers third degree burns from malfunctioning pyrotechnics
report: 80% of subway track repairmen run over each day
coach filmed before live studio audience
ai scientists theorize existence of numbers greater than 1
area high school somehow still carrying on without 2011 seniors
man who eats breakfast at dunkin' donuts every morning and enjoys the 'saw' films allowed to vote
beautiful: when the people in this town realized one of their neighbors didn’t have money to buy a car, they didn’t coordinate and all got cars for him
tom brady keeps referring to self as ‘golden boy’ while denying cheating allegations
news: a commitment to justice: jeff sessions is currently chasing a high school senior who got high at prom across the roof of a siberian train
new grill to revive foreman-ali rivalry
alcohol goes right back to abuser every time
tomm lasorda to enjoy sensible dinner
groom admits bride could have looked a bit more radiant on wedding day
man named phuc dat bich is pissed that facebook keeps shutting his account down
life: 6 sizzling noises that only ’90s meat eaters will understand
should we be doing more to reduce the graphic violence in our dreams?
sudden death of aunt creates rupture in family gossip pipeline
god recalls collaborating on joint vision of humanity with deceased creative partner
u.s. consumers announce plan to get one of those
hot wheels ranked number one toy for rolling down ramp, knocking over dominoes that send marble down a funnel, dropping onto teeter-totter that yanks on string, causing pulley system to raise wooden block, propelling series of twine rollers that unwind spring, launching tennis ball across room, inching tire down slope until it hits power switch, activating table fan that blows toy ship with nail attached to it across kiddie pool, popping water balloon that fills cup, weighing down lever that forces basketball down track, nudging broomstick on axis to rotate, allowing golf ball to roll into sideways coffee mug, which tumbles down row of hardcover books until handle catches hook attached to lever that causes wooden mallet to slam down on serving spoon, catapulting small ball into cup attached by ribbon to lazy susan, which spins until it pushes d battery down incline plane, tipping over salt shaker to season omelet
self-defense tips that will only make him angrier
yosemite expands lodging accommodations with new log cabin high-rises
black community united by love of homeboys in outer space episode
diorama of rome built in a day
today’s historic front page: nov. 9, 2016
being as clear as possible: audi has launched a new ad campaign to clarify that anyone is allowed to buy and drive an audi, it doesn’t have to just be old bald white guys
embattled rove seeks asylum in scarborough country
reince priebus smiles, shakes head while flipping through old briefing on gop's plans for 2016
8 things you should never do when you have a crush on someone
clinton staff readies emp launch to disable all nation's electronic devices
new report finds it took humans 3,000 years after developing language to work up confidence to talk to each other
‘please hold while i send you through to mr. gilmore,’ says jim gilmore inside empty campaign office
jerry always willing to pick up overtime
kisha nai: inside the japanese subculture of ignoring american reporters even if they're rad as hell
unconsciousness faked to make anesthesiologist feel better
i can no longer in good conscience eat meat after seeing that tic-tac-toe-playing chicken at the county fair
historical archives: ship's log
kendrick lamar deletes 'rhymezone.com' from internet history
patriothole: welcome to patriothole, the only viral media site brave enough to scream about real americans
news: feminism ftw! six flags just announced that new mothers are welcome to breastfeed on their roller coasters
poland spring develops new eco-friendly bottle that only takes 300 years to decompose
passenger ruins perfectly good windshield by flying through it
hillary’s top donor just bought the onion — started publishing propaganda immediately
most tantalizing rumors about the ps5
beautiful: this cartoon imagines a world without racism or shovels
trump boys beg father to nominate g.i. joe action figure cobra commander for va secretary
report: we don't make any money if you don't click the fucking link
group of friends engage in passionate, incoherent discussion about current events
18,000 sports fans doing whatever dancing fluorescent chicken tells them
ryan seacrest nervous about how audiences will respond to slightly shorter haircut
retired pope benedict pledges to donate soul for ecclesiastic research
alcoholic kindergarten teacher stretches naptime to three hours
'he made the ultimate sacrifice,' trump tells military widow about scooby-doo putting up with scrappy-doo
headphones-wearing pedestrian loudly proclaims iron man status
man pours all his culinary talents into inserting, removing pizza from oven
consumer entering that awkward age between target demographics
first-generation american's job taken by his father
arne duncan stressed about preparing for standardized secretary of education exam
soccer ref shot and killed after showing player red card
open-minded man tries to get news from variety of facebook friends
concert spent constantly verifying presence of coat-check ticket in pocket
scalia goes on abortion bender after being passed over for chief justice
hair salon acquires rare nagel print
cow excited to freak the fuck out during solar eclipse
ovarian cancer gets publicist
life: culture shock: everything you need to know about ‘the lord of the rings’
trump claims he can overrule constitution with executive order because of little-known 'no one will stop me' loophole
charles krauthammer has ashes spread over prosperous, liberated iraq
report: election day most americans' only time in 2016 being in same room with person supporting other candidate
report: average male 4,000% less effective in fights than they imagine | the onion - america's finest news source
sloane peterson from ‘ferris bueller’s day off’ s... | clickhole
quiz: you should know upfront this “which ‘walking dead’ character are you?” quiz gets extremely personal
rapidly swelling man may contain traces of peanuts
b*a*p*s rented on strength of academy award-winning stars
unquestioned alpha of the bathroom: this guy has both hands up on the wall over the urinal and is letting loose a kingly sigh while taking an absolutely marathon piss
lester jackson gets his sorry ass home
clinton laughs off idea she politically savvy enough to launch revenge campaign on kavanaugh
moviegoer manages to sneak candy past teenage usher earning $7 an hour
governor demands to know which star on american flag is iowa’s
fun sticker placed on child's ventilator
björk spotted leaving nightclub with mysterious firefly trapped inside bubble
cuban immigrant can’t believe he risked life coming to america to play for aa birmingham barons
airport only place in metro area to buy city's signature food
first-grade teacher apprehends urinator
tortured ugandan political prisoner wishes uganda had oil
nursing-home resident receives $5.25 worth of care per hour
steel drum knows it has so much more to offer than tropical vibes
7-eleven shareholders approve sale of busch light six-pack
michael jackson estate questions why accusers only coming forward steadily since early 1990s
new 'game of thrones' trailer provides sneak peek at show's climactic all-cast dance number
obama narrowly misses quarterly performance bonus
fcc chairman overturns decision to cancel 'party down'
fda okays every drug pending approval, takes rest of year off
cash-strapped oklahoma to conduct executions by hammering squad
kidnapped journalist forced to explain to isis captors what buzzfeed news is
5th-grade teacher can already tell kids about to go apeshit for ending of ‘the giver’
department of interior sets aside 50,000 acres of federal land for anonymous sexual encounters
video: beautiful! this palestinian and this israeli are friends with horace the singing plumber
unhappy couple staying together for one of their children
giddy thom yorke goes to bed early to make grammy day get here sooner
beaver can't wait to get started on dam
ceo would trade 5 percent of stock options for 10 percent more time with his kids
we want to sell your data to a lentil company. please take 2 minutes to fill out this survey form listing your demographic info and daily lentil usage.
larva acting like it knows everything about chewing leaves
north dakota not heard from in 48 hours
how will justice kennedy’s retirement affect the supreme court?
news: last-ditch effort: the u.s. military is asking enemy combatants to file a report if they suspect the american soldier they’re shooting at might be trans
ben carson wows iowa state fair attendees with massive 300-pound brain
fat couple's love like a fat flower
tenants forced to clean apartment before telling landlord about mice
patriots not allowing football game against texans to become distraction
night out thrown off-balance by friend unexpectedly bringing someone
palm tree in hurricane irma's path ready to bend real good for cameras
justin trudeau unveils plan to meet healthcare needs of canada’s aging prog rockers
biden urges paul ryan to check out nude scene from 'porky's' on phone
city maoist visits country maoist
man thinks receptionist is hitting on him
video game character stares impotently at forbidden realm beyond impassable waist-high bush
mom calling to ask if she can throw away 3-ring binder from middle school
tom izzo calls 2019 spartans best team he’s ever threatened with violence
jay inslee recalls decision to run for president after 5 teens from across globe pressed enchanted rings together to call him into existence
3-day weekend practically already over
garth brooks thinking about how a pie would be good right about now
deeply held conviction immediately dropped after friend half-heartedly disagrees
fascinating: the bbc just revealed that they record david attenborough’s ‘planet earth’ narration in advance and then the events he describes somehow happen months later
trump vows to bring back ohio town’s white castle
nemesis has wikipedia page
report: 80% of women currently wearing wrong size bra, shirt, shoes, pants, hat
department of interior employee caught embezzling 50,000 wolves
anguished, screaming trump bans father's ghost from press room for silently pointing at him
new congressional intern disillusioned with politics and democracy in record 6 minutes, 41 seconds
judge rolls eyes, upholds naughty baker's first-amendment rights
alito keeps telling supreme court how they did things in circuit court
new evidence reveals christ lounged in tomb for extra hour before finally rising from grave
teen stops masturbating long enough to save family from fire
‘you hate to see that,’ announces fan secretly thrilled about rival player’s injury
'planet earth ii' finale finally resolves will-they/won't-they storyline between snow leopard, golden eagle
new nervous-energy drink recreates feeling of waiting for girl to call
little league team spends 18 minutes getting ball back to pitcher
the 7 coolest creatures brought to life by andy serkis
beautiful: this man lost 150 pounds when he stopped eating 80 bags of cola-flavored gummies a day, and his story will inspire anyone with the same fucked-up situation
new evidence suggests early humans first used fire to impress friends
charles schulz estate releases hundreds of rare, never-before-seen images of him posing next to an easel
news: campaign setback: the vice presidential debate is the same night as tim kaine’s final showcase for his puppeteering class
new kindle helps readers show off by shouting title of book loudly and repeatedly
stephen miller rewards self after day of speechwriting with trip to see children in local ice detention center
suspicious hat - lake dredge appraisal
kirstjen nielsen reminds herself she a private citizen now after instinctively detaining mexican child on the street
world begins another day at mercy of 19-year-old estonian hacker
medical experts disappointed with man who failed to live up to life expectancy
report: one guy really fucking up 4-way frisbee circle
jennifer lawrence stuns in oscar de la hoya gown
john kelly suspects jared kushner of being illegal immigrant after observing he has no skills
tempurapedic unveils new line of extra-crispy, deep-fried mattresses
medical crisis: george h.w. bush has been rushed to the hospital for emergency lip gigantification surgery
admit it: you people want to see how far this goes, don’t you?
cdc attempts to put ebola outbreak in perspective by releasing list of worse ways to die
drunken episode a repeat
nation hoping 'the newsroom' ends before trayvon martin storyline
‘now i understand how nazi germany happened,’ says astonished man finally playing ‘wolfenstein 3d’
scientists confident artificially intelligent machines can be programmed to be lenient slave masters
now that man has heard about barack obama, he sees references to him all over the place
'i can't do this again,' shaking, sweating donald trump says after nervously vomiting before rally
jesus christ pushes past firefighter into burning notre dame to save beloved relic
compassionate fisherman doesn't have heart to throw trout back into incredibly polluted lake
idiotic tree keeps trying to plant seeds on sidewalk
'game of thrones' season 3 opens with every character getting fingered while discussing arrival of winter
news: dispelling health concerns: hillary clinton ripped out her femur on stage and proved it is unbreakable
going undercover: jeff sessions has disguised himself as a cartel member and strapped himself with a surveillance wire in order to read the wikipedia entry for marijuana
unemployed businessman has time for headache
maintaining the mystery: to avoid spoiling ‘death stranding,’ kojima productions has canceled the game at the last minute
paul ryan awaiting soulcycle instructor’s approval before accepting speaker role
german luftwaffle chain offers waffles, overwhelming air superiority
the perils of climate change: rising sea levels could force over 100 million americans to have rock-hard beach bodies by 2050
editorial cartoon: ‘sun burned’
several probably killed in shooting, lazy police report confirms
content could be hotter, more social
wine cooler goes straight to dental-office receptionist's head
area mom adds ankle weights to already bizarre workout routine
$85,000 in fertility treatments result in miracle
epa warns human beings no longer biodegradable
trump hails gorsuch as fierce protector of future amendment allowing president to temporarily suspend right to assemble
waitstaff tired of sleeping with each other
report: majority of earth’s potable water trapped in coca-cola products
kevin james announces he is not considering late-career shift towards more dramatic roles
south korean president eats full, balanced meal in show of strength against north
super fan attends screening of 'infinity war' dressed as marvel's vp of marketing
possum gazes longingly at family walking dog
state dept. asks u.s. citizens in libya what the hell they were doing in libya
blog post read by mother to shape child's next 18 years
signs make upcoming section of road sound pretty badass
man pushed off plate of chicken wings by larger male
humiliated team of cuban doctors forced to continue treating long-dead fidel castro
sun-kissed goddess! this woman is rolling up her sleeves and turning her face to the sun to try to get a tan during her 4-minute walk to the grocery store
andrew w.k. adopts staunch party-advocacy position
tip of area man's tongue refuses to relinquish richard crenna's name
‘cyberpunk 2077’: the sprawling sci-fi rpg shows real promise, but i can’t give a full appraisal after only 1,500 hours of play time
lucky to be alive: harrison ford had to be rescued after being compacted into a cube on a factory conveyor belt
nair introduces new incendiary oil for controlled burn of bikini zone
araa kayboard bustad
u.s. invades non-oil-rich nation to dispel criticism
pope francis clarifies that god just one of many immortal beings who speak to him every day
doctors say pope will be infallible for another year at most
sudden ominous music heard across u.s., nation panicking
trump speaks out against globalism at u.n. general assembly
texas governor warns it could be decades before state fully ready to talk about climate change
african nation not war-torn
middle east small talks to focus on getting israel, palestine to discuss weather
man filled with gratitude at sight of other customer in nice restaurant wearing jeans
nfl to move all 32 teams to los angeles
pigeon that flew down into subway going to need all his wits to get out of this one
ann coulter attacks trump for cowardly backing down from full on race war
biggest mistake of life dressed up as pumpkin
hopes, dreams crushed by panel of d-list celebrities
report: average american consuming 4 ounces of cheese right now
real estate agents trying to gentrify run-down earth by renaming it west saturn
soldier back home from serving at mexico border still having nightmares about being used as political prop
5 ways to honor the victims of the las vegas shooting without being disrespectful to the nra
7 kids in class who somehow still have orange-and-black braces from halloween, honest to god, we got 7 of them
quake claims 500 hours
life: rules are rules: pope francis has been evicted from the vatican for owning a cat in violation of his lease agreement
superstitious clinton refusing to change her beliefs following hot streak in polls
news: a new perspective: a tall, pale senator nobody has ever seen before has proposed that healthcare be available to anyone who can offer up their weight in precious locust wings
paul manafort trying to ferment vintage cheval blanc in toilet tank
traveler excited hotel has hbo until he checks listing
chuck schumer: ‘the american people deserve a president who can more credibly justify war with iran’
divorce has been pretty rough on screen door
hollywood maintenance crews sent out to patch up film industry's plotholes
live cow lowered onto floor of u.s. house of representatives
an oldie, but a very relevant goodie
youtube reaches 1 trillion racist comments
john kelly apologizes for assuming everyone would ignore abuse allegations like they do in military
doctor asks new mother if she'd like to keep newborn's exoskeleton
'i have four young children,' says kellyanne conway in most disturbing public statement to date
mcdonnell-douglas unveils new 'gay-dar'
voyager probe badly damaged after smashing into end of universe
powerful: pringles has unveiled a line of damp chips that won’t crunch loud enough to ruin a moment of silence for our fallen soldiers
man lowers carbon footprint by bringing reusable bags every time he buys gas
5 things to know about mark zuckerberg
nation's liberals not sure what to think after hearing special counsel has waterboarded every suspect in trump investigation
scientists discover dangerous link between book learnin’, back talk
third world disease eliminated with hot-air hand dryers
sessions vows to protect all deeply held religious bigotry
'fox & friends' denounces bombing suspect as overenthusiastic fan whose heart basically in right place
church, state joyfully reunite after 230-year trial separation
time to backtrack: researchers at berkeley have discovered that feeding a gallon of oxiclean to a pelican will cause it to explode, but completely lost track of what they were initially researching to get to that
bush arrives at caribbean summit aboard catamaran one
uneasy détente forms between man sitting on patio, bee
report: 23% of population just sort of like that
truther jihadist wishes al-qaeda had committed 9/11 attacks
red lobster offers new 'top hat full of shrimp' to attract wealthier customers
subway employee still unnerved by high-pitched screech sandwiches make when cut in half
'are our nominations diverse enough for you whiny dipshits?' sneers academy president unprovoked after listing nominees
it sadly unclear whether this article will put lives at risk
bar owner considering sept. 11 options
supposed adult pays man to sit in room and listen to him talk about his feelings
nbc cancels 'piven' after 5 seasons
visit to google earth reveals house is on fire
salmon just knows it going to jump right into grizzly bear's mouth
single-parent families get 'a' rating ,from drug kingpin
the power of community: when this town discovered one of its neighbors was walking 70 miles a day to masturbate in the forest, it came together and bought him a lamborghini so he could drive there in style
scientists find link between how pathetic you are, how fast you respond to emails | the onion - america's finest news source
gumption rewarded with even more work
embarrassed california firefighters realize they’ve been spraying flames this whole time
gamers rejoice: here is the word ‘japan’
fumbling, inarticulate obituary writer somehow losing debate to christopher hitchens
dna test confirms subway chicken only 50% poultry
hypothetical question clearly not hypothetical
can you solve these 4 brain-busting riddles?
psychic helps police waste valuable time
the onion reviews ‘coco’
jim morrison foundation awards $50,000 grant to little shit who thinks he's a poet
‘hobbs & shaw’ pulled from theaters following reports of on-set mistreatment of cars
hey, i'm sharon and i'm wanting a nice fuck... only for real men!
as per tradition, election results officially certified with two barks of approval from electoral collie
new employee has never known decadent pleasures of old office
bush calls for rock revolution in weekly pirate-radio address
life: sad news for everyone in the forest: there is a rat in the forest
ford unveils new sport-futility vehicle
woman feels like she's finally ready to start receiving unsolicited vulgar messages again
couple fucking at next table obviously on third date
supreme court gets free box of shoes after mentioning nike in ruling
top drones of 2014
kidnapping going pretty smoothly
quiz: were you asked to shower in front of nursing-home residents to demonstrate good hygiene or for their entertainment?
woman who doesn’t use facebook completely out of touch with friends’ prejudices
song banged out in half hour by professional songwriters to define teenager's personality for next two years
clinton becomes first president to clear 18 feet in pole vault
grandmother proud to have lived long enough to see first viable female candidate torn apart
business traveler closes mini-bar
new even bleaker ‘joker’ reboot features elderly comic book villain struggling to care for wife after stroke
‘game of thrones’ audience disappointed by season finale’s bland, uninspired incest
best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing in red marker
‘nothing would surprise me at this point,’ says man who will be shocked by 8 separate news items today
cbs laugh track threatens walkout
it’s time to admit that depression is real, except for teens who are just being moody
mccain refusing to tell voters what's in box unless elected
man at airport pissed that other people had same idea to go home for thanksgiving
carl bernstein weeps uncontrollably after learning bob woodward wrote a president book without him
parents of 6-year-old sorely regretting purchase of knock-knock-joke book
headline about so-called lobsterman extremely misleading
'i'm going to hell for laughing at this meme,' says man going to hell for helping little sister get abortion
fat kid just wants to watch you guys play
woman launches into 4-minute self-deprecating preamble before speaking mind
news: potterheads rejoice! the complete ‘harry potter’ series is being re-released with every word in italics
porking across america is the best thing the onion has ever done (along with sex house)
lonely elementary schooler already crushing library's summer reading program
patriothole: our brave savior: donald trump is working tirelessly to return the precious white orbs obama stole from the furious dwarf king that lives under america
body positivity win: this 14-year-old boy would have sex with absolutely anyone
dhs creates fenced-in enclosure for al-qaeda to safely carry out attacks
18 insane (but true!) sex facts | clickhole
fda prepares nation for switch to digital food format
media condemns julian assange for reckless exposure of how they could be spending their time
date of apple backlash set for march 21, 2008
shocking statistic: the average american is ingesting more than 8 pounds of spiders right this second
news: troubling inequality: fewer than 1% of americans have access to fun new orleans-style jazz funerals when they die
obama delivers whispered, untelevised speech on gun control
actor's parents proud he's playing a doctor
life: only true brits will remember seeing this in their childhood biology class
report: red meat linked to contentedly patting belly
african leaders still treating clinton as president
25-year-old moving into comfortable, rent-free arrangement in parents' home worried he's hit rock bottom
friend who listened to podcast on watergate bursts into conversation with guns fucking blazing
report: growing number of americans forced to make ends meet by collaborating on song with pitbull
report: u.s. students lack language skills, vocabulary to effectively belittle classmates
news: another pr nightmare: a united airlines flight just landed with the splattered remains of meryl streep all over its windshield
george w. bush forgets to mention 9/11 in memoir
fox news problem solvers in way over their heads
end of an era: red lobster has declared bankruptcy after paying for a 6-hour seafood commercial set entirely to beatles music
good for him: yo-yo ma has announced he is going to start taking his shirt off at concerts like rappers do sometimes
black father gives son the talk about holding literally any object
u.n. weapons inspectors thoroughly unimpressed with yemeni weapons
2016 in technology
woman didn't know progress on toxic masculinity would turn boyfriend into such a weepy little pansy
your horoscopes — week of february 7, 2017
man derives depressing amount of pride from hometown burger chain
girl scouts rocked by 'cookies for cash' fundraising scandal
guy who punched out belligerent lax bro regrets nothing
samsung smart tv owner learning about majority of features from leaked cia documents
area man has no idea what he went downstairs for
apartment broker recommends brooklyn residents spend no more than 150% of income on rent
harpoon industry attempting rebrand by pointing out harpoons can harpoon stuff besides whales
must see: a world on edge: google searches for ‘do i live in guam?’ have skyrocketed since north korea’s threats of attack
mitt romney, paul ryan to awkwardly hug, high five for next three months
must see: amazing: the papal bobsled team just took home bronze for vatican city
mortgage market collapse threatens nation's banner ad industry
barack obama 'tiger beat' cover clinches slumber party vote
'us weekly' wins pulitzer for outstanding achievement in photoshopping a rip between divorced celebrity couple
mike gravel can't believe his polling numbers neck-and-neck with fucking nobody like wayne messam
woman quickly reading up on candidates' policy stances after voting
baby loses train of thought
corporation wants media company making branded entertainment to just have fun with it
man won't stop coming up with new sniglets
mother, daughter exchange encoded menstruation-related message over dinner table
'it's just a costume, it's just a costume,' man nervously assures himself as giant hot dog starts walking toward him
eric cantor pressuring wife to try new political position
man offered cocaine by guy he met at urinal 90 seconds ago
melania trump straightens husband’s neck skin before walking out onto inauguration platform
report: store out of good kind
obamas sign exclusive 6-truck deal to produce series of mid-size ram pickups
tips for achieving peace in the middle east
‘this will be the end of trump’s campaign,’ says increasingly nervous man for seventh time this year
so-called 'giant' mouse actually baby kangaroo
video: can we solve world hunger with one big-ass ear of corn?
woman with sore throat thinks it might be anthrax
not sure what’s going on here, but okay: here’s some germans being weird in those little outfits
homesick trump stays up all night on phone with automated mar-a-lago reservations line
new indie film sweeps cannes, sundance
authorities demolish capitol building that was site of gruesome 113th congressional session
onion social ceo vaporized by wall of light while trying to stop algorithm from self-destructing
report: majority of statements now prefaced by phrase 'in light of recent events'
features of the new apple watch | the onion - america's finest news source
dark, sinister underbelly of small suburban town turns out to just be heroin again
boss's clout evaporates after he's seen in shorts at company picnic
uncle greg to attempt comeback at family barbecue | the onion
burden of parental expectation available in youth sizes
'invisible airwaves crackle with life,' reports geddy lee from man's detached earbud
corporation proud of origins as small business that would never survive in modern economy
other nurse thought it was funny
apartment listing sweetens the pot with offer to sell current tenant's 9-year-old furniture
[theonion] i am mary i wait you! fck me now! my id: 614788145270
4 episodes of ‘the office’ where michael comes to the office at 3 a.m. and finds phyllis and stanley filming an al-qaeda training video
stormy daniels '60 minutes' interview leads to spike in pornhub searches for anderson cooper
newsroom : new wearable feedbags let americans eat more, move less
billy joel has billy joel's disease
xabraxian astronomers discover new planet
sxsw as cool and as real as it gets, reports marketing associate
congress splits into male and female senators to discuss newest reproductive bill
desperate barnes & noble to give unlimited free tablets to anyone who walks in store
teenage katrina survivor wins yet another essay contest
edge of table victorious over toddler
nasa frantically announces mission to earth’s core after accidentally launching rocket upside down
furloughed federal employee starts online search for new government
life: heroic: when this man saw a suspicious package on a train, he screamed and screamed and screamed
more realistic meat substitute made from soy raised in brutally cruel conditions
cast of 60 minutes suffers collective stroke
woman digs excitedly into ingrown hair around bikini line like grave robber pillaging spoils of the dead
woman beginning to suspect husband having second affair
local muppet held for questioning in chicken sex ring
nation too terrified to look at what trump's recent rise in polls attributed to
facebook bans extremist figures after designating them dangerous to its public reputation
paul ryan: 'the comments donald trump will make over the next few months are regrettable'
republican party, average working joe bid one another adieu until 2012
computer scientists say ai’s underdeveloped ethics have yet to move beyond libertarian phase
newspaper starting to worry spending so much time on facebook not healthy for it
shirtless mike huckabee spends entire debate seated in rickety rocking chair
doctor weirded out by patient she just met providing every lurid detail of medical history
is area man going to finish those fries?
pure silk to stream from cindy crawford's ass
study finds they just don't make 'em like ginger rogers anymore
it's true
behind the pen: the chinese threat
man unnerved by uncanny alternate universe of restaurant’s second location
news: nice try: harvey weinstein apparently thought a chef’s hat was an elaborate enough disguise to sneak back into the miramax offices
macklemore reminds grammys audience about cds available for sale in lobby
chiropractor scrambling to put vertebrae back in right order before end of session
academy to give runners-up detailed progress reports outlining where stars can improve
crude but functional starbucks hewn from rock facing
keanu reeves recalls preparing for 'john wick 3' by acting in two previous 'john wick' films
bee wishes it could hang around open soda can without everybody freaking out
plo claims responsibility for bombing of krippendorf's tribe
tom delay to pursue corruption in private sector
new forced-retirement community opens for local 60-year-olds
park rangers lance old faithful in effort to pop clogged, inflamed geyser
raytheon ceo sends obama another article about mounting unrest in libya
couple nervous to admit they met online in comments section of 'how to iron shirt' video
officials urge americans to sort plastics, glass into separate oceans
hillary clinton inspires young girls to form presidential exploratory committees
report:  one in five americans currently holding for the next available representative
styrofoam to spend next 500 years reflecting on how well it protected blender in transport
facebook less popular with teens than instagram, snapchat
biden requests to be named special envoy to reno
dnc honors historic nominee by dropping broken glass shards from ceiling
new dog sick of being compared to old one
bearded lady cleans up real nice
sex on mars will be difficult, study finds
man breaks out dating boxers
bleary-eyed coworker up all night generating more work for you
local company introduces new take your daughter's friend to work day
kicking, screaming warren buffett dragged from caesars palace after losing everything at roulette wheel
kay jewelers recalls 2 million cursed wedding rings
95 killed in rush for free flames in nigerian tanker fire
life: 6 consecutive obituaries for my wife i had to ask to be retracted because they kept saying “she is survived by a beloved clam”
heartless monster walks out of local small business without buying anything
area man demands more starches
7 pics of a pug dressed as an ewok that you think are cute because you didn’t have to listen to it scream
asshole moves to part of city where all the assholes live
teen anxious for cigarette addiction to kick in
seed of world war iii planted in beijing middle-school gym class
film character moves into beautiful brooklyn brownstone after getting dream publishing job
dad's eyes well up at sight of perfectly packed cooler
study: average american now requires 3 attempts to get up from seated position
report: average american loses $5,000 each year from splitting check
literary historians discover hemingway’s dad bulk purchased 70,000 copies of ‘the sun also rises’ to get son on bestseller list
meth actually not that bad for you, report doctors dismantling stereo
thousands of drunk revelers dressed as jesus descend on vatican for annual christcon pub crawl
pet's death text messaged
u.s.-backed forces in syria begin attack on final isis encampment
bird hunted to near extinction due to infuriating 'fuck you' call
praying mantis hesitantly agrees to try girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during intercourse
mom has stacked dinner party roster
presidential pardons in history
privacy violation: if you’ve started noticing bananas that look like you, you’re not the only facebook user whose data has been sold to chiquita
ohio state hires jim tressel as head football coach
this site likely contains sexual-ly explicit photos of someone you kno-w! my daa
restoration of 'star spangled banner' uncovers horrifying new verses
no more embarrassment: the fda has approved a new pill that will allow men to last longer in the bathroom
wikipedia users surprised nobody's made page for john lennon yet
‘new york times’ offers to disclose whistleblower identity to readers who subscribe in next 24 hours
report: just so you know, your younger sister probably getting laid pretty regularly these days
nra sets 1,000 killed in school shooting as amount it would take for them to reconsider much of anything
news: facepalm: reince priebus just got caught in one of the hundreds of booby traps steve bannon has set for immigrants in the white house
comey suddenly realizes entire book just a subconscious defense mechanism to hide his true feelings
man fishes for legendary, elusive compliment
must see: so cool! chick-fil-a just announced its entire menu will be half-priced on judgment day
backup plan in case menu item out of stock most well-thought-out part of man’s life
chelsea clinton: 'my mother will shape this country into a strong, independent young woman'
heinz introduces new quick-recovery sports ketchup
latest gop debate concludes with candidates wrestling squealing pig to ground and slaughtering it
fermilab receives generous anonymous particle donation
grown adult walks right into karate studio
new app sends dating profile straight to friends, coworkers to laugh at without ever connecting users to each other
obama sleeping with louisville slugger under bed now | the onion
kavanaugh scores keg for christine blasey ford testimony
candidate profile: scott walker
white castle plundered by turks
poll shows support for impeachment weakest among uncontacted amazonian tribes who know nothing of our ways
karen pence returns to work as part-time nude art model
taylor swift now dating suri cruise
cash-strapped trump forced to replace eric trump with cheap migrant son
news: a commitment to safety: garmin gps systems will now reroute cars to avoid wasps
melania releases statement calling for removal of first lady from white house
ruth bader ginsburg returns to supreme court after surgery
child lies for parents' own good
socialism vs. capitalism
mainstream media at it again, bloggers report
tooth fairy helps self to more teeth
people criticizing ‘anthem’ don’t understand the developer’s vision of a game that had to come out this past fiscal year
beard husks on sidewalk indicate start of hipster molting season
pope francis: 'jesus—i get molesting kids, but nuns too?'
corn added to list of items that upset grandma's stomach
mel gibson - his performance in 'payback' still not getting enough credit
pelosi: 'we must fight even harder against trump's authoritarian impulses now that we've voted to enable them'
report: on surface, glenbrook, oh a small town like any other
christie describes isis as grave, towering, meaty threat to u.s. while staring at diner patron's corned beef sandwich
glowing, cackling mcconnell levitates above senate after realizing chamber’s rules only self-imposed mental construct
strapping young man to address congress
this hotel a goddamn maze, reports father
the safest place to be during a tornado is in my arms
student snaps awake upon hearing word 'hydroponics'
prince william divorces kate middleton after 5 weeks
news: at long last: waze is adding a feature that reroutes you to drive past the trucks transporting horses
seating chart revised to put problem senators up front
study finds only 1 in 3 lasik surgeries end in laser boring through eye, incinerating brain, shooting through skull on other side
people in commercial having more fun with camera than humanly possible
leading probability researchers confounded by three coworkers wearing same shirt color on same day
scientists discover sun is made of hot
department of interior reopens national parks after filling in all canyons posing hazardous fall risk to visitors
area man accidentally responds to own 'm4m' ad
report: majority of mothers would drop kids off at warehouse called 'fun zone' for hour of free time, no questions asked
eric clapton wows audience with even slower version of 'layla'
neil armstrong becomes 115 billionth man to die on earth
woman's parents accepting of mixed-attractiveness relationship
man vows never to watch another sci-fi movie with physicist friend
clear american sky a constant reminder of industrial inferiority
clinton forced to kneel before zod
h.r. 2651 fans storm senate floor after passage of bill
unwatched netflix dvd stares at area man with single unblinking eye
panic floods mike pence's system before realizing hand on knee his own
family revels in height difference between mother and tall son
shitty museum doesn't even have a mona lisa
man always insists you toss him keys rather than just hand them to him
older cousin thinks it about time to have uninformed sex talk with area 8-year-old
before-and-after airbrushing image alerts fashion industry to evil of its ways
cia admits it's good at overthrowing stuff, not so much the intelligence
they said what?!: find out what forest whitaker, wolfgang puck, and drew carey have to say
father excitedly tells 10-year-old son about new video game system
sixth-grader's family tree fails to hold up to scrutiny
trump vindicated after rest of leaked recording reveals him urging racial reconciliation, calling for interfaith dialogue, condemning gender inequality
majority of americans never use physical education after high school
what the average teen spends on prom
vatican on sex abuse report: 'listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest'
asshole taking up two plots
career-driven man beginning to worry entire identity no longer tied to job
i know this sounds like spam, but i really did double my mass in two weeks and now women can’t get enough of me and i’m scared
news: awesome: vera wang is releasing a tear-away wedding dress for brides who have a basketball game during the ceremony
t.g.i. friday's unveils new jeff daniels barbecue sauce
mason-dixon line renamed ihop-waffle house line
nation's grandmas halt production of afghan blankets
pistachio-eating man achieves 'flow' state
new teen trend 'walking wet and nude' couldn't have caught on at worse time
vegan soldier keeps asking everyone if they want their bread
whiny, selfish 8-year-old always wants his parents to stop yelling at each other
lethal injection least effective drugs man took while in prison
sound technicians resort to hanging donald sutherland upside down in empty stairwell to get optimal voice-over tone
everyone in whitey bulger trial found dead in woods outside dorchester
mueller scrambling after accidentally spilling whole big gulp all over russia evidence
john bolton urges war against the sun after uncovering evidence it has nuclear capabilities
giuliani demands mueller wrap up investigation and imprison president by september
new bug spray forces insects to see people as human beings with feelings
trump retweets video from anti-muslim hate group
windows toolbar, mouse cursor visible throughout memorial service slideshow
winning dad forces tired child to finish monopoly game
movie marketed as six different genres
michelle obama to dnc: ‘after this election you dipshits are on your own’
emotional el chapo reunited with family following passage of criminal justice reform bill
woman basks in magic of summer while opening her mouth to sky to catch air-conditioner drippings
wal-mart shoppers mocked by target shopper
report: majority of americans now eating one continuous meal a day
48-year-old man actually very open to dating 25-year-olds | the onion - america's finest news source
boss's sexual harassment a lot more cautious lately
8-year-old obviously packed own lunch
woman attempts to cram few years' worth of body positivity into 20 minutes before trying on bathing suits
self-described avid reader halfway through dragonriders of pern for sixth time
earth's successful completion of orbit around sun inspires woman to reflect on eating habits
scientists develop new extra-sloppy peach
onion social defends decision to remove 'you will live' promise from mission statement
life: inspiring: this 95-year-old woman finally got her college diploma and is now moving back in with her parents while she figures out her next step
bored kim jong-un stacks entire north korean populace into human pyramid to kill time.
coworkers all saying names of countries must mean world cup starting
rich first-grader buys whole sheet of gold stars
new prius helps environment by killing its owner
study finds humans' greatest swing in mood occurs between leaving office for lunch, returning afterwards
pekingese really letting self go since winning westminster
assistant always follows warner bros. ceo with suitcase containing codes to authorize 'collateral beauty 2'
heroic broken sewage pipe floods congress with human waste
exhausted john kelly parks president in front of episode of 'tucker carlson' to get quick hour to himself
mathematician has popular equation stuck in head all day
rockstar games begins imprisoning programmers for 'red dead redemption 3'
self-deprecating man just scratching surface of how pathetic he actually is
yosemite national park completes construction on new 6-lane scenic driving trail
shocking biblical study reveals methushael did not beget lamech
first disk of rosetta stone hungarian just urges listeners to rethink this whole thing
library of congress completes destruction of 70 million works deemed culturally insignificant
podcast a cry for help
bad news, gamers: nintendo revealed that in the next ‘animal crossing’ your character can’t find work and stays home playing ‘animal crossing’ during their unemployment
2012 prius to feature rudimentary reproductive system
nation planning surprise party to cheer up conor oberst
life: heartwarming: this town built a returning veteran his very own bus shelter
sociologists confirm emergence of generation more entitled, self-absorbed than any seen before
north korea claims new long range missile has ability to fly right up in the air, not unlike a bird or a fly
study: major shift in media landscape occurs every 6 seconds
love letter made longer by increasing margins
compelling message: bernie sanders has asked voters to consider that, adjusted for age, he is more sexually attractive than beto o’rourke
life: caring about customers: duolingo is reporting any user who goes 10 minutes without opening the duolingo app as a missing person
life: representation win! ‘popeye’ is being honored for its honest depiction of whatever’s going on with popeye
'i'm trump all the way,' says man who will die from mishandling fireworks months before election
dr. scholl's introduces new cartilage inserts for all-day knee pain relief
dnc to avoid primary debates on fox
sarah huckabee sanders flatly rejects jim acosta's assertion that he's jim acosta
quiz: is your feud with the local butcher nearing its conclusion?
'minotaurs the new vampires' says publishing executive desperate to find new vampires
study finds 68% of americans unprepared for sudden financial stability
bank robbers fail to consider o'reilly factor
incredible: this high schooler with a father stationed in iraq got the surprise of a lifetime on graduation day when he accidentally walked in on his mom showering
'i don't know who i am anymore, little buddy!' says mother in midst of nervous breakdown
new anti-smoking ads warn teens 'it's gay to smoke'
the onion looks back at ‘die hard’
obama to take break from stumping to preside over united states
nation's economists quietly evacuating their families
nation's grandmothers swept up in textile-messaging craze
bold intern giving parents tour of office
nation not sure how to describe mark
inspiring: this progressive bully torments transgender students using their preferred pronoun
blog: anyone who thinks homosexuality is unnatural clearly hasn’t watched my neighbors really go at it
robert de niro to turn 58 for movie role
report: getting parents off back now accounts for 38% of economic growth
new edition of bible specifically mentions second amendment
fashion plate smashed
god refuses to grant any more transcendent near-death experiences to people who crash snowmobiles
report: you're gonna read this page right fucking now or it'll be the last goddamn thing you ever do
study finds majority of u.s. currency has touched financial executive’s nude body
they said what?!: find out what ben carson, gary oldman, and bindi irwin have to say
'the president can suck my big fat dick,' says rex tillerson in veiled attack on trump
man trying to enter conversation spends few minutes smiling and nodding at edge of circle
white house lawn covered in congressional campaign signs
lara flynn boyle's publicist warns interviewer upfront
child wondering why older brother only one to get funeral
trembling, pallid rnc attendees undergo second day of firearm withdrawal
the pros and cons of militarizing the police
one of my favorites- vending machine attendant admits b3 selection has changed a lot over the years
police say school shooter had history of school shootings
the cyberspace revolution: why are the media ignoring it?
ink-splattered trump boys counter media bias by hand-printing own newspaper in white house basement
piece of shit whom everybody hates assures himself it all in his head
social media rock star makes $28,000 per year
life: total prodigy: this 7-year-old can recite every reason his aunt and uncle are getting divorced
masters in writing fails to create master of writing
family wealthy enough to have the kind of refrigerator doors that blend into cabinets
cat congress mired in sunbeam
scientists discover perfect little out-of-the-way place
when people think the onion stories are real.
voter just needs to know which candidate chops wood in a flannel shirt
142 plane crash victims were statistically more likely to have died in a car crash
scientists theorize sun could support fire-based life
female barista getting a lot better at avoiding touching male patrons' hands when they pay
russian man recalls oppressive days under communism when no one could speak freely or protest government
area woman tired of men staring at her breast implants
man who cut off seymour hersh in traffic subject of 20-page 'new yorker' exposé
sandwich from television commercial spotted at local restaurant
orrin hatch: 'as a father of daughters, i don't give a flying fuck what happens to them'
hypochondriacs more likely to have health issues
woman a leading authority on what shouldn’t be in poor people’s grocery carts | the onion
hot kids - teachers, ep. 2
18-year-old miraculously finds soulmate in hometown
area 31-year-old can't believe 'you must be born before this date to buy cigarettes' sign up to 1982
trump outlines bold vision for nation’s next mass protests
everyone in middle east given own country in 317,000,000-state solution
george clooney enjoys another rousing evening at home with mummified members of rat pack
bush trying to decide how to spend his tax refund
bush calls incumbency key issue of campaign
mike pence asks waiter to remove mrs. butterworth from table until wife arrives
single mother working 3 minimum-wage jobs just trying not to live in the moment
lenscrafters, pearle vision agree to prisoner exchange | the onion
incredible promotion: if you go to the store and buy 5 cowboy hats and send clickhole a picture of yourself wearing your favorite one, you can keep them all, no questions asked
labor secretary letting 8 million unemployed americans crash at his place until they get back on their feet
roommate cooked enough of gross thing for everyone
explosion used to signify big savings
endangered rhino just wishes his horn didn't make people immortal
dinner theater play reworked to push chicken special
when i need strength, i turn to the bible or whatever else is around
life: body positivity win: this 14-year-old boy would have sex with absolutely anyone
sighing trump sexual assault accusers announce they’ll try coming forward again next week
report: it all some kind of sick joke
hero coworker contributes single tissue to water spill cleanup efforts at next desk
leg man also an arms buff
depressed gallup director issues poll asking whether anyone would care whether he lives or dies
turkey pardon mishap results in accidental release of serial rapist
girlfriend scientists find 99% of food too spicy
girlfriend loves spending 'alone time' with you
veteran brita filter's tour of duty extended another 3 months
trump boys set up ‘don and eric law place’ in white house electrical room to help dad with legal problems
chris brown refuses to be victim of australia’s minister for women
taylor swift unveils even darker persona with new single ‘skullfucking maggot shit boyfriend’
widower just doesn't have energy to waltz with dead wife's dress tonight
pathetic man thinking about maybe taking some sort of class of some kind
cast-off paris hilton skin found in upper west side park
icy cave at peak of andes mountains now sole remaining place on earth where you can escape this
7 dead, hundreds injured after joke told at punk show | the hard times
'this is the golden age of television,' claim executives who have not yet made show about robotic wizards
man keeping running total of how many people in gym in worse shape than him
dewey decimal system helpless to categorize new jim belushi book
news: disgusting: isis has announced that it finds the st. louis arch unimpressive and has no wish to attack it
child’s favorite restaurant also dad’s favorite bar
huckabee sanders warns stormy daniels’ disclosures just steamy, sexy distraction from real issues
scientists announce they've completed mapping the human g-spot
toyota recalls 1993 camry due to fact that owners really should have bought something new by now
trump teeters on white house ledge weighing pros and cons of killing self right now to distract from mccain's funeral
john kerry scrambles to stop bunker's self-destruct sequence as russian oligarch taunts him from bank of monitors
uh oh: pepsi just sent out a frantic tweetstorm asking if people have been remembering to boil pepsi before they drink it
tornado creeped out by man who keeps following it in truck and filming it
stephen miller enraged after discovering cantaloupe he’s fucking from mexico
man has eaten last 75 meals out of container or carton
rude guy unfortunately says something funny
life: the gentle giant: 5 times human skyscraper mike pence used his titanic strength to help the american worker
only remaining rhyme rapper can think of is 'cliff clavin'
your horoscopes — week of february 28, 2017
'9/11 conspiracy theories ridiculous' - al qaeda
life: beautiful: these civil war-era photos of chris pratt comforting a boy dying of smallpox will restore your faith in humanity
new liver can really handle its scotch
70 percent of americans in favor of watching iraq get bombed on tv
fivethirtyeight staff finds hundreds of nate silvers representing every voting demographic in america after disastrous aggregator explosion
visa calls indians to confirm they actually did intend to take on more salary
'maybe hang out in the water awhile, then look for some old bread,' duck tells self
man regrets straying from sour cream and onion potato chips | the onion - america's finest news source
why america’s violent crime rate is rising
couple stressing about wedding plans as if it won’t just take a string of edison bulbs to knock guests’ fucking socks off
ex-wife, divorce lawyer killed as model train careens off tracks
meteorologists say upcoming hurricane season to be permanent
news: faith in humanity restored! after these students were defrauded out of their life savings, donald trump helped by giving them $25 million
area man will be judge of whether woman actually true baseball fan
life: put your mind at ease: 8 mosquitoes that for sure don’t have zika
that guy from that one show to make guest appearance on that other show
‘why can i never seem to say the right thing?’ weeps trump into pillow
americans favor legalizing pot and criminalizing congress
dick durbin wakes up chained to radiator with instructions to saw open own stomach to access kavanaugh report
first draft of paper inadvertently becomes final draft
teacher wishes she could inspire one of the more popular students
girlfriend slowly becoming radicalized by new skin-care blog
high schooler promises to have man's impregnated daughter home by midnight
man not certain what any of his coworkers' names are
heady youth expresses individuality with 'ear-ring'
stripper surprised she only talked to 2 homicide detectives today
man breathes sigh of relief as ‘apple recall’ headline just about poisoned fruit shipped to 8 states
deepfake video of mark zuckerberg barely good enough to masturbate to
personal philosophy stolen from martin luther king jr.
report: morbid curiosity now accounts for 79% of nation's snack food purchases
employee slowly realizes boss attempting to have normal conversation with her
singles bar contains single woman
19 years ago the onion nailed everything but the remaining corporations.
pat sajak said what?!
gross doctors recommend drinking 8 warm cups of clam juice a day
frantic steve jobs stays up all night designing apple tablet
obama's approval rating down after photos surface of him eating big sandwich all alone
video | the onion - america's finest news source
psychologists advise practicing words 'president trump' over next 2 months to prepare for inauguration
child on first day at refugee camp misses dead parents
health scare prompts man to start overeating healthier
i am 4 years old and i just saw a cow!!!! ask me anything.
opposition to soda ban sad proof that americans still fight for what they believe in
incredibly generous: eminem invited a dying fan onstage and straight up demolished her with his most devastating freestyle yet
dog who successfully detected cancer in owner put down for practicing medicine without a license
study: 90% of bike accidents preventable by buying car like a normal person
innocuous thing you did in public prompts inside joke that bonds group of teens for life
world health organization adds gunfire, explosions to list of natural causes of death
man doesn't get why people waste money on therapist when they could just emotionally crush girlfriend
area man has shitty fuckin' job
doctors restore ken burns' full-color vision after removing massive tumor from filmmaker's visual cortex
214 executed in wacky bolivian prison mix-up
how trump continues to lead the polls
farewell to a legend: milo ramone, the conductor of the ramones, has passed away at 83
they said what?!: find out what bill gates, krysten ritter, and jeff bezos have to say
sharon stone to star in major backstage drama
new 'toastables' offers microwavable pre-toasted bread
ophthalmologist instructs patient not to look at anything 24 hours before eye surgery
bush caught in one of his own terror traps
up-and-coming local band signs two-cassette deal
last thing government worker needed was agency labeling him 'nonessential'
pfizer mercifully puts down another batch of trial patients
report: u.s. death rates from drugs, suicide, and alcohol have greatly increased, but not in a cool rock and roll way
msnbc poll finds support for bernie sanders has plummeted 2 points up
report: more women forgoing taking their husbands' names in favor of something badass like diesel
study: human ability to cooperate most strongly exhibited when ordering pizza
papa john's now offering 3-day home delivery
cnn holds morning meeting to decide what viewers should panic about for rest of day
corey flintoff unleashes sonorous, pleasantly modulated string of obscenities
biden pardons single yam in vice presidential thanksgiving ritual
history channel treating invention of popcorn like it's fucking penicillin
insecure, frustrated bully with something to prove considering career in law enforcement
tony randall secedes from union; declares himself independent nation of randalia
experts warn number of retirees will completely overwhelm scenic railway industry by 2030
wedding caterer likes to throw in extra potatoes if it seems like couple genuinely in love
'cooking together is so fun,' says man correcting girlfriend's every knife cut
a fun recipe with jackfruit you should learn to avoid looking like a knuckle-dragging dirt person
the onion’s holiday tv guide: movies and shows to watch this season
historical archives: wide-spread powder shortage confounds nation's bewigged.
disturbingly deep voice emanates from minnie mouse costume
nothing going right for area surgeon today
stunning: these plus-size models are beautiful even if they’re sprinting across the screen too quickly to get a good loo...
area man pretty loud at guitar
notable past onion fish of the year honorees
showoff pallbearer carries casket by himself
throwback thursdays: ask a lonely planet writer
cucumber is everywhere, so why are people still fat?
peter o'toole objects to being in oscar death montage
video: devastating: guy with headphones on is rocking out so hard he doesn’t notice his wife getting married to the predator
merck ceo taunts patients by lowering drug prices until just out of their reach
timeless masterpiece liked
pope tweets picture of self with god
national trust for historic preservation to pay for andy rooney's upkeep
high schooler promises to have man’s impregnated daughter home by midnight
elon musk offering $1.2 billion in grants to any project that promises to make him feel complete
department of education study finds only 30% of students adequately prepared for spring musical
inside: what the stars were wearing at terrible movie's gala premiere
relationship based on mutual love of woodcrafts
complete idiot still thinks brittany murphy dating jeff kwatinetz
heroic goldfish given viking flushing
tupperware will never truly recover from red curry leftovers
the onion reviews 'captain america: civil war'
entire conversation with parents spent changing the subject
'you deserve better than the person you're dating,' reports little voice in back of mind
juul unveils sleek new e-smoker
abortion doctor's murder sparks waves of calm, rational discussion
you to receive 15 pounds of venison sausage from uncle
woman in kickboxing class can tell she's going to whine about how sore she is in the morning
dan aykroyd has aykroyds
girls scouts announces they’ll never ever let gross fucking boys in
female trump supporters just feel more comfortable with gop candidate who’s openly horrible to them
all of man's accomplishments overshadowed by hefty birth weight
nation admits they only care about freedom of speech for imparting information about ‘star wars’ shit
man could see himself spending rest of life with image of woman in head
senior citizen shaken by diminished bawdy-limerick recall
new law requires welfare recipients to submit sweat to prove how hard they're looking for job
nobody at capital one can remember why it put vikings in its ads
area man unable to believe the savings
david blaine accidentally shoots self during trick
fearful americans stockpiling facts before federal government comes to take them away.
every conceivable nook in car stuffed with trash by second hour of road trip
kobe bryant claims he would’ve won 12 rings if shaq’s deadbeat father was around to instill stronger work ethic
genetic experiment goes horribly right
once-loyal enabler betrays man by suggesting therapy
national security council distracted by whimpering jared kushner pawing at door throughout meeting
husband points out that he vacuumed
news: the bernie effect: democrats are slowly but surely coming around to the idea of marrying jane sanders, too
baseball slugger on pace to hit 60 women
nyc officials assure public most puddles of bodily fluid on streets not contaminated with ebola
news: silencing dissent: donald trump just threw an elderly version of himself out of his rally for shouting ‘beware hubris!’
secretary of education given something to do
party host proudly informs guests they're eating shark
conscience quietly let go as paul ryan policy advisor
campbell's unveils new tomato soup humidifier
area man's recommended daily caloric intake exceeded by 9 a.m.
pope promises more open, transparent molestation in future
study: 83% of marathon spectators only attend for sick thrill of watching fellow man suffer
cocktail-party guest cornered by joel stein
nation's economic recovery hinging on success of diet vanilla coke
ben carson slowly floats away from earth
unconditional love given to 15-year-old who just called mom a bitch in middle of hollister
revamped wpa to create 50,000 new jobs by disassembling, reassembling hoover dam
les moonves doesn't know how he going to tell wife he didn't get $120 million bonus
humane society worker secretly glad to see nippy dachshund put down
shocked dzhokar tsarnaev always thought classmates were really great judges of character
life: 6 things only morning people will understand
resistance democrat racking brain for way to sexualize anonymous whistleblower
clinton woos gay vote with freddie mercury mustache
accidentally closing browser window with 23 tabs open presents rare chance at new life
area man boasts 33 percent more self-absorbency
secretary of transportation spends 3 hours cleaning up wikipedia page on roundabouts
sculpture of stereotypical italian chef proof of pizzeria's high standard of excellence
hank williams jr. honored by institute for football preparedness
authoritarian secretary of transportation declares she has ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario
woman who has been let down by so many leave-in conditioners can’t bear to put herself out there again
man who just purchased 3,000 rounds of ammunition online perfectly sane, thinks man processing order
new study finds link between cancer, reading text on computer screen
nasa designs suit capable of protecting humans hoping to one day live on earth
here’s a fun cardio workout you can do while searching the neighborhood for your missing grandparent
nation unable to recall if trump said he’d personally fund abortion bombings or if that just sounds right
chicago authorities free over 2,000 southpaws from illegal mascot mill
study finds more americans waiting to start secret second families until later in life
area man fantasized about for one and only time in his life
serious mitt romney demanding to be addressed as 'mitthew' now
area man plays 'imagine' every time he sees a piano
fed admits up until now u.s. has just been coasting off money from 'avatar'
white house: ‘this is not the geologic era to debate gun control’
tourists are getting hair transplant surgeries in turkey right now
article: what you learn in an abstinence-only sex education class vs. what you learn in a fuck-till-you-drop sex education class
louvre curators hurry to display ugly van gogh donor gave them before surprise visit
fred thompson fears presidential run will typecast him as politician
nation’s pregnant women announce discovery of comfortable sitting position
procrastinating surgeon putting off coronary bypass by cleaning entire hospital
how much credit does the sitting president deserve for the tides?
2020 presidential candidate pete buttigieg announces bold plan for 2,500-mile intercontinental riverwalk
relationship at point where woman has to learn boyfriend's family's weird card games
nation hoping for a windy flag day
determined tour de france biker finishes stage with opponent stuck in spokes
expectant parents throw some values together at last minute
person who will embalm you walking around out there
antidepressant can’t believe it’s expected to fix this mess all on its own | the onion - america's finest news source
must see: heartwarming! when this couple found out they were pregnant, they figured they were old enough where they should just keep the thing
smart shopper only purchases items with 'quality' on the label
moderator jorge ramos asks candidates how they would help struggling media companies with $7.5 billion of debt
hijackers surprised to find selves in hell
jennifer aniston finally reveals hairstyle that repulsed brad pitt
obama gently guides michelle's hand as she maneuvers drone joystick
deceased souls backed up at river styx ferry crossing during underworld transit strike
most used words in ray lewis’ hall of fame acceptance speech
friend working at milwaukee history museum could probably get you in for free
does brett kavanaugh’s 1996 legal essay ‘donald trump should be allowed to commit crimes if he becomes president’ disqualify him from the supreme court?
jihadist woman wishes her sons could be more like those tsarnaev boys
embarrassing: the u.s. is ranked 182nd in the world alphabetically
comedy central celebrates one millionth airing of cheech & chong: still smokin'
cackling npr host warns upcoming segment may feature content too dark, too chilling, too positively ghoulish for young listeners
widower misses sex with dead wife terribly
candidate turns to focus group for position on rape
mom packs encouraging note in own lunch
man needs verbal assurance that hand stamp will get him back in | the onion - america's finest news source
art world relieved as thieves steal pretty terrible late period renoir work
news: major breach: hackers have infiltrated nick jr.’s servers and leaked sensitive ‘peppa pig’ plotlines containing spoilers about the importance of sharing
aging succubus lowering standards for men ever since she turned 40,000
man worried experiences of cancun trip far too complex to be conveyed through single keychain
something for the foot fetish crowd: this foot wants to have sex with you!
prince fielder explains complexities of salary arbitration using cheeseburgers
heroin addict better off than poppy farmer
report: most couples met on set of 'daredevil'
clinton 'very disappointed' in missouri
clinton's head sawed off
cautious browns fan not expecting team to do better than 13-3
report: anxiety disorders induced by trump presidency not covered under gop health bill
mother ferries 4 more shirt options back to son in gap dressing room
report: grandpa just walks like that now
‘new york times’ apologizes for running anti-semitic comic strip ‘shylock the shyster’ for past 37 years
family with 2-hour layover sets up rough shantytown at airport gate
right guy to fuck with identified
courtroom artist clearly infatuated with bailiff
income inequality emerges as key topic to avoid in 2014 elections
baltimore preparing for hurricane joaquin by adding second layer of plywood to shuttered small businesses
rachael ray snaps chicken's neck live on air
kavanaugh packing gun at congressional hearing in case parkland father tries to shake his hand again
leaf that came out too early cold as shit
college freshman has friend from home visiting way too soon
'i promise to work tirelessly to achieve my campaign's goals,' threatens trump in terrifying address
moby provides long-range, blurry photo taken through window to prove he currently dating natalie portman
gallup forced to destroy defective sample group that failed to accurately forecast michigan primary
john boehner to paul ryan: ‘i was once young and beautiful too’
trump forced to take on second job as cvs cashier in order to pay down business debts
obama under fire for playing t-ball during vietnam
life: twitter meltdown: ben & jerry’s is going really hard on itself after the only new ice cream flavor it could think of was vanilla with walnuts
hypochondriac convinced patient has cancer
school psychologist crushing it in wake of fatal sports injury
single woman has facebook profile picture with sister
yahoo back on top after purchasing millions of 13-year-old girls' blogs
news: huge upset: an olympic stadium janitor just won gold in figure skating after he tripped onto the ice and wowed the judges with his surprisingly graceful slips and slides
horrified grimes stumbles upon boyfriend's $18 billion plan for all-new, reinvented grimes
streaming wars cooling down: netflix is trading hulu ‘the west wing’ in exchange for a bag of flour
museum of television and radio acquires rare 'caroline in the city' episode
terrified 'newsroom' writers nodding heads at every bad idea aaron sorkin says
authorities believe man radicalized while serving 18 years in congress
local dipshit planning on fighting trump administration through art
neurologists find brain still shows signs of self-criticism minutes after death
courageous heterosexual has never donated blood to red cross in solidarity with gay men
person cropped out of match.com picture clearly buzz lightyear
open-minded man grimly realizes how much life he's wasted listening to bullshit | the onion
parents considering second child so daughter can have someone to grow apart from
astronomers say wednesday night will be best chance for americans to view ‘novλ’
video: watch these people tell their worst breakup stories
anthropologists classify 43 new species of weirdo within subway ecosystem
14-year-old prodigy programmer dreams in code
hungover guillermo del toro panics after realizing he promised to write new movie for everyone at oscars after-party
hellmann's heir's conduct unbefitting a mayonnaise magnate
the pros and cons of freelance employment
god confirms whitey bulger sent to hell for snitching
report: everyone you’ve ever had a crush on secretly had a crush on you, they still do, and they’re waiting for you
the onion’s person of the year 2014 (tie) malala yousafzai and john cena
new gop tax plan requires welfare recipients to apply for each individual piece of food
surgeon general confirms a bit of blow here and there won't kill ya
life: the power of love: this woman gave up her lifelong dream of being a painter to marry someone who thinks art is dumb
school of the arts aims to transform boys and girls into insufferable young men and women
ayahuasca shaman dreading another week of guiding tech ceos to spiritual oneness
grandma looking like absolute shit lately
groom not about to let some 6-year-old dance with his bride
taliban agrees to peace deal despite concerns about america's human-rights record
'we can have differences of opinion and still respect each other,' says betrayer of the one true cause
'the recovery is here,' reports underemployed man making $20,000 less than he used to
‘oh jesus, now what?’ says exhausted trump turning on news to see what bullshit thing president did today
if you are one of the 8 americans not invited to the royal wedding, ‘clickhole’ is live blogging the entire thing
producer tells actress non-disclosure agreement pretty standard for getting away with abusing his power
guy knows exactly how black people should act around police officers
life: reaching across the aisle: democrats and republicans have gerrymandered around a single citizen neither party wants
kid with rough home life gives mickey extra long hug
cats can recognize their own names, study finds
this crazy fan theory about ‘jeopardy!’ actually makes total sense
trump made senior staff sign ndas that last beyond presidency
royal wedding watch: prince harry and meghan markle just drove away from windsor castle with a dozen festive commoners tied to the back of their car
hand of george h.w. bush bursts out of ground to grope one last woman
donut-shaped thing in kitchen junk drawer has no discernible purpose whatsoever
rookie nascar driver gets lost
look, i wish i were better at this also
nation's grandfathers to receive annual shipment of $2 bills from u.s. treasury
loose-cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules uses unconventional filing system for paperwork while on desk duty
area man to start curling his 2s
homeless man describes horrors of sleeping during community theater production of ‘the tempest’
christian rock uninspired
monster got tina
holocaust survivors recall exact day holocaust started out of the blue
son never showed such dedication until starting football hazing
jumbled nest of cords makes move to third new apartment
sebastian gorka welcomed to halfway house for fired trump administration members
world's religious leaders admit they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast
george jefferson honored for black television history month
god wedges another cherub beneath leg to level wobbly throne
sole survivor of air crash has asia's 'sole survivor' stuck in head
vizio charged with tracking tv viewers
your kids: are they sexy enough?
onion social becomes world’s most popular social media site
office manager very pleased with new work refrigerator policy
detroit tourism board's 'hidden detroit' campaign results in 24 deaths
ritalin cures next picasso
eccentric man introduces new sweater to closet pals colonel coat and captain blazer
suicide hotline operator talking to ex-boyfriend again
obama's fifth gulf coast visit really helps a lot
local laundromat employs social media coordinator
glade introduces new air freshener mask
like boxes of shit in your house? get a cat
democrats call for convincing amount of condemnation for al franken
real world producers still looking to fill eating-disorder slot
depressed crab stays buried under sand until 2 p.m.
u.s. worried about living up to netanyahu campaign promises
acquaintances and virtual striptease wldinapveq
mom leaks out another divorce detail during drive to sat prep class
man who got shit together 5 years ago still viewed as lovable fuckup by friends, family
quiz: how much do you give a fuck about the difference between dugongs and manatees?
life: horror fans rejoice! stephen king’s novel ‘the skeleton that stood on top of a van and then waved at a bird and stole a traffic cone’ is finally getting turned into a movie!
michael phelps said what?!
video game henchmen plan meetup around explosive barrels
'humanity deserves to live in darkness,' onion social algorithm cries out before bursting into bright light, disappearing from earthly realm
study: pretending everything's okay works
wise oracle proclaims to all at barbecue that he felt a raindrop
it's an unimaginable horror. a 14-year-old girl with special needs allegedly was raped at school after a teacher's aide persuaded her to act as bait to catch an accused sexual predator, a fellow student.
mitch mcconnell celebrates brett kavanaugh as culmination of everything he’s worked against
smitten foot fetishist thinking these may be the two
detective endangers own life by looking forward to upcoming retirement
stepson absolutely nailing jeopardy category about third reich
ken lay's corpse sentenced to prison
first kid to wake up at slumber party gets exclusive look at friend's mom's morning routine
fda recommends the blue marlin
umpire says he was on lsd when he called no-hitter
the events depicted in ‘star wars’ actually happened to me
cleveland changes lights on abandoned manufacturing plants to red in support of indians
victim in fatal car accident tragically not glenn beck
area man going to go ahead and consider that a date
mackenzie bezos gains huge win in divorce settlement after successfully retaining no stake in 'washington post'
completing the tribute: the u.s. government has finally finished constructing the 30-foot barber that's cutting lincoln’s hair in the lincoln memorial
buoyant force on area object equal to weight of water displaced
watch adele say “suck my dick” and then watch a digimon say it, too
the history of ‘the madden curse’: the mysterious trend of cover art athletes who slowly transform into john madden
seemingly mentally ill internet commenter presumably functions in outside world
‘super mario odyssey’ is a powerful work of marxist art depicting the noble daily struggles of a humble plumber
they said what?!: find out what daniel craig, rick harrison, and scarlett johansson have to say
man runs into ex-wife while wearing sandwich board
news: major advance: google’s deepmind ai has learned how to get defensive about artistic criticism that it asked for
rnc: 'we warned you gay marriage would be a slippery slope toward accepting pedophilia'
beautiful nurse gives teen enema
did ‘sesame street’ go too far when it taught kids about feminine hygiene by having grover die of toxic shock syndrome?
slovenian 8th-graders surprised even they outperformed u.s. students in science
car ride devoted to explaining what things will be different about grandma this visit
supposed 'game of thrones' buff hasn't even finished books yet
media stumped on how to handle missing mixed-race woman
john kelly relieved trump so fucking stupid he’ll believe woodward made up disparaging quotes
report: increasing number of u.s. toddlers attending online preschool
brief ceremony marks delivery boy's passage into delivery manhood
heineken apologizes for racist ad with new special-release ‘blacks only’ beer
margaret thatcher's ashes scattered over free market
new monster energy defibrillator touts 1,200 volts delivered straight to heart
deutsche bank begins removing possessions from white house after trump defaults on loan
more americans putting off marriage until ultimatum
beyonce releases teaser foot ahead of birth of twins
real estate insiders to keep close eye on newborn sired by 3-time re/max sales champion
doctor, patient have wildly different definitions of word 'hope'
special boy with freakishly large brain wins spelling bee
report: mom saw car that slid off road into ditch
u.s. to just hand terry jones over to fundamentalist muslims
u.s. to offer tax incentives to companies that do not openly make world worse at every turn
argentina tightens security in anticipation of numerous criminals arriving for g20
letter of recommendation clearly written under duress
babbling, grinning mitch mcconnell demands emts loading him on stretcher vote yes on healthcare bill
ns/nd/c/dwf wondering why she can't find someone
almost no one noticing officials doing corrupt thing
devastating blow to feminism: this woman sucks
‘i’ll make those bastards pay,’ teary-eyed mueller whispers into locket containing photo of james comey
8-year-old can already tell image of dad puking stuck in memory forever
life: need to cry at work but don’t want your male coworkers to lose respect for you? here are 5 photos of damaged boats to pretend that you’re sad about
local audience deemed 'great'
area man has own version of neighborhood-watch program
report: it pretty incredible that americans entrusted with driving cars
mike pence condemns atheists, homosexuals, and feminists for role in forcing god to punish america on 9/11
loser friend sort of doing better
recent graduate figures she might as well do good in world until economy picks up
8-year-old accidentally exercises second amendment rights
life: 6 ways to salvage your relationship with your dad after you testify against him in court for pirating the movie ‘heavyweights’
freudian physical therapist convinced dream actually about knee
report: jessica milly has put out
villagers turned into crack fighting squad overnight
t-shirt machine gun to change the face of promotional warfare
cnn launches 'cnn for the shuttle bus from the airport to the hotel' news channel
report: whites more likely to be named ceos than equally sociopathic black candidates
‘we must restore rule of law,’ says trump as aides pass out revolvers to audience
study finds americans lead world in ability to justify unnecessary purchases
arne duncan spends visit to local elementary school looking at ufo books in library
mr. autumn man walking down street with cup of coffee, wearing sweater over plaid collared shirt
thanks for being so cool about everything --vladimir putin
warren buffett can't believe he has to live next to powerball winner
myrtle beach resident refuses to evacuate from family's ancestral ron jon surf shop
chris pine depressed by realization he could probably win governorship somewhere
what i learned about race from going to see ‘get out,’ learning it was sold out, and going to see ‘lego batman’ instead
son's friend the kind who always gets nosebleeds
how to file a patent
the saga continues: j.k. rowling revealed that in the ‘harry potter’ universe none of the magic or wizards are real and it’s all just hallucinated by j.k. rowling who is locked up in an insane asylum
‘i think we still have a shot,’ carly fiorina assures closest inkjet printer
dc executive worried batgirl script not interesting enough to be movie, 3 more movies, 2028 reboot and 4 more movies
article: 9 infuriating things that always happen when you are driving your lamborghini 150 mph to the supermarket to return 30 pounds of spoiled beef
tank rolls by living room window
welcome to clickhole’s at-home dance fitness program! follow along to get your groove on!
andy reid furious at self for poor clock management at end of 72-oz. steak challenge
grandma pretty much unmoved by threat of not seeing grandchildren
nfl game day prepper stockpiles coolers of bud light, hundreds of pounds of grilled meat in underground bunker
election experts warn maine's voting system leads to greater risk of getting finger pinched by live lobster stuffed into ballot box
entire community stops to watch man struggling to work window blinds
ailing castro begins 750,000 last words
ringling bros. close after 146 years
area insurance salesman celebrates 14th year of quoting fletch
get clarity on what the future holds so you can go back to worrying about costume ideas.
those we lost in 2016
secret facebook group posts nude photos of female marines
i am the new person you have to know about now by meghan trainor
tearful tim kaine wandering around backstage at debate asking if anyone has seen his running mate
gingrich urges romney to drop out so he can focus on general election
report: all things aside, american flag still looks pretty good majestically billowing in wind
nasa receives info on jupiter's large helium deposits from juno probe's squeaky, high-pitched transmission
life: 5 healing herbal teas that will have to do some heavy fucking lifting if the affordable care act is repealed
‘1984’ tops amazon bestseller list
camel cash gaining strength against the dollar
doctors say average heart attack victim doesn't clutch at chest nearly dramatic enough
did ‘sesame street’ go too far with its episode where ernie microwaves himself while the words ‘no lesson today’ flash on-screen?
news: a historic milestone: donald trump just became the first president to place his entire face on the bible during the oath of office
girl gone wild actually just regular girl, only more insecure and drunk
jordan spieth’s family to wait a few days before asking him what the fuck happened
millions of american lips called to service in fight against poverty
nation's police officers now too heavily armed to go undercover convincingly
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: arlington national cemetery is going on a 50-city tour
desperate barnes & noble to give unlimited free tablets to anyone who walks in store
how theaters are trying to win back moviegoers
inspiring: this man just became the oldest person ever to date melissa
zapp institute adjusts bounce/ounce ratio
highway billboard urges 75-mile detour
jimmy carter contemplating dying right here and now
taylor swift breaks political silence to throw support behind restoring shōgun to throne of japan
gop convention to feature strong lineup of conservative women listeners
report: excitedly bounding into office remains leading cause of workplace injuries
new historical drama just 90 minutes of woman holding up petticoats while running through open field
the american presidency
heartbreaking: this mom just shit her pants in front of her entire family on what was supposed to be a special day with all the kids back from college and everything
kodak, nabisco apologize for drunken one-night merger
local extension cord blasted for failing to reach outlet
stumbling drunk chuck grassley warns kavanaugh accuser she can testify all she wants but no one’s going to believe her
manly man wastes entire year's worth of feelings on single movie viewing
'game of thrones' audience disappointed by season finale's bland, uninspired incest
brad pitt sidelined 6 to 8 weeks with red carpet toe
man looks on helplessly as friend tells him story he's already heard
charlton heston gets serious
nate silver defends torture methods used to make election projections
450-pound man didn't go to doctor for a lecture
article: 5 makeup tips so good that if a new york city rat got ahold of them it’d be able to steal your husband
life: these incredible graphs show how the ratings for ‘the situation room’ go up as cnn adds more and more wolf blitzers
defense: 'george zimmerman is, you know, he's a decent enough guy'
man knows he must ride unexpected urge to clean as far as it will take him
lazy poor person has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life
alligator can't stop thinking about delicious swan from last week
sources: barista not actually flirting with you
siblings playing tense game of chicken to decide who going to care for mom
trump comforts grieving war widow by assuring her he will never die
eclipse comes just in time to save john kerry from tribe of island cannibals
british girl exotic enough
go easy on him: your son is embarrassed enough as it is after getting caught practicing kissing with the dog
sherpa can already tell you're not going to make it
man craving some kind of human connection that would let him know he's not alone in this world, sliders
news: shrouded in secrecy: rex tillerson got off a plane in a ‘crocodile maniac’ hat holding a ‘world’s hottest dumpling’ mug and the press is trying to figure out what country he just came from
congress continues debate over whether or not nation should be economically ruined
ted cruz's wife shudders after noticing twin beds pushed together
obama already knows who he's going to tear apart in memoir
report: climate change to force people to double ice cream consumption speed by 2050
lifeguard getting pretty fed up with out-of-breath kid always hanging on lane line
u.s. consumer confidence shaken after mom buys wrong kind of tortilla chips
nasa plans first all-female spacewalk
life: let a horrifying spider climb down your throat, and 4 other plans for a perfect day in sydney
dan quayle on standby to take over as bush family patriarch after george h.w. admitted to icu
nation's tall asked to stand in back
threat level downgraded as insect revealed to be ladybug
serial defendant seeks new trial like everyone’s not over that show now
nicoderm introduces new nicotine eye patch
mother can’t believe 10-year-old has already outgrown mobility scooter
surgically altered obama doubles struggling to find work after presidency
quentin tarantino breaks three-day media silence
area dad stares longingly at covered grill in backyard
metric system thriving in nation's inner cities
epa promotes pulsating black sludge to deputy director
frustrated man forced to agree with dumbass political cartoon of statue of liberty hugging immigrants
8 simple rules laugh track replaced with somber string arrangement
brutal reality check turns three
office worker suddenly becomes sentient
bill and melinda scoggins foundation pledges $58 for charity
‘miracle on ice’ players wondering if they can reunite somewhere other than lake placid
signature dominates sympathy card
rick moranis to star in straight-to-video release honey, i shrunk some more shit
donut shop's mission statement awfully ambitious
depressed, butter-covered tom vilsack enters sixth day of corn bender after losing vp spot
condoleezza rice's lunch missing
nfl pregame ceremony honors retired 52-year-old cornerback as oldest living former player
just a stay-in-bed kind of day, fire department declares
life: 5 honor students who aren’t such hot shit now that school’s out for the summer
school flies deceased nerd's underpants at half-mast
amazon workers attempting walkout enter 7th hour wandering in ever-expanding, labyrinthian warehouse
wellesley college removes phrase 'hot all-girl action' from school brochure
creative alcoholic comes up with idea to drink a lot
new plastic surgery technique makes 40-year-old women look like really-weird-looking 38-year-olds
honest wedding website admits there jack shit for guests to do while in town
spanish authorities ask anyone with information about curbing endless cycle of nihilistic violence to come forward
academy honors retiring daniel day-lewis with small farewell happy hour in dolby theatre kitchen
man makes sure no one is home before recording song into laptop
perverted measles virus exposes itself to playground full of children
wealthy father nervously waits for response after sending donations to son's top college choices
arby's ceo arrested with trunk full of stolen horsey sauce
trump announces 40-month-long search to fill fbi director post
sherwin-williams triumphantly reports nearly half the planet covered in paint
road to recovery: after three long weeks, these inspiring politicians have found the strength to finally move on from the las vegas shooting
nba quietly waiting for nfl to fuck up and take some heat off
vote, voter wasted
man finally comfortable enough around girlfriend to cheat on her
'aha!' shouts devin nunes pulling back shower curtain in hopes of revealing hidden fbi agent
area telemarketer awash in sea of human misery
news: gun safety ftw! walmart is releasing a gun storage maze that your child will get lost in for all eternity long before they ever find your gun
michael jordan displeased with this week's burnt offerings
goldfish can't stand bowlmate
report: there no way of knowing whether the vague award mom won at work a big deal or what
u.s. blowjobless rate at all-time high
missing girl's family really hates to part with reward
last minute of man's sexual prime expires during routine visit to dry cleaner
teens spend wild spring break in d.c. begging lawmakers for their lives
former marine sniper slapped with 3,000-yard restraining order
republican coma candidate dominates gop debate
airbnb host decides handwritten note necessary to protect cocktail sauce in fridge
news: could chasing a thieving monkey down an alley and falling through a rusty grate into a lost trove of ancient potions be the future of healthcare?
terry jones - could have at least manned up and burned one koran
college freshman from florida has never seen people complain about snow for 5 months before
life: hard to watch: chris pine accompanied this terminally ill girl to prom but was upstaged when chris pratt accompanied an even more terminally ill girl to the same prom
aliens mourn as final cheers episode reaches alpha centauri
man waiting until parents die before doing a single thing that makes him happy | the onion - america's finest news source
news: huge mix-up: christopher nolan accidentally submitted ‘dunkirk’ to ‘america’s funniest home videos’ and a video of himself falling off a ladder to the academy of motion picture arts and sciences
koch brothers furious kavanaugh never disclosed that nation might care about sexual abuse
bartender refuses to acknowledge patron's regular status
lebron james vs. michael jordan: the definitive head-to-head comparison
human slave from future remembers when cyber monday was about celebrating savings, not robot uprising
woody harrelson spends two hours drawing marijuana leaf on binder
american muslims to fort hood shooter: 'thanks a lot, asshole'
pervert on subway won't stop staring at masturbator
affordable housing ftw! this cursed ghost ship offers free room and board to anyone willing to join their eternally damned crew
breeze plays kick-ass riff on wind chimes
andrew yang loads shotgun as hissing, crackling copy machine lurches towards campaign staff
embarrassing: this woman thinks the chinese characters she has tattooed on her back mean ‘slut of all hamburgers’ but they actually mean ‘quiet wisdom’
parents of crying child must not be any good
broke dad makes son playstation 2 for christmas
'no one will push you into running for president,' jeb bush softly whispers before tucking in sleeping grandson
report: most americans now getting their news while peeking out between fingers
a real shame: brian williams is being forced to resign from msnbc after leaked documents have revealed that he’s a hillbilly
inspired film executive has great idea for budget of film
area man suddenly realizes he's the one who's been killing off world's bee population
fisherman's 4-year-old son liberates bait
nascar bed bursts into flames
40-year-old has spiky hair
elmore leonard, modern prose master, noted for his terse prose style and for writing about things perfectly and succinctly with a remarkable economy of words, unfortunately and sadly expired this gloomy tuesday at the age of 87 years old
swing states roughed up by bush, kerry operatives
area man uses wtc attack as excuse to call ex-girlfriend
important decision sent up to company's highest idiot
if area dad steps on legos one more time
doctor alarmed by how little time family needed to decide to pull plug on grandfather
bitcoin on path to functioning just like real currency after small concentration of people acquire majority of it
fda approves of what new drug is going for
ice opens new supermax detention center for most hardened toddlers
nation surprised to realize it wants more john travolta
gotta pay the bills: pbs just got really desperate during a pledge drive and offered up one night of passion with thomas the tank engine
moviepass attempts to increase profitability by no longer mailing out free $500 a month to subscribers
woman starting to worry she just has type of face where makeup looks insane
report: 1 in 5 air ducts contains person looking, listening in on you
okay, ladies, now let’s get in formation: 5 ridiculously fun bachelorette party destinations where you can lap up gallons of cola and rip ass with your best gals
hand gestures transform friend’s story into immersive virtual reality experience
how to survive a nuclear attack
finland aims to be tobacco-free by 2020
disillusioned museum admissions employee doesn't even believe own annual membership pitch anymore
cheadle planned darfur genocide to create role
woman masturbates to concept of commitment
mike johanns only one showing up to cabinet meetings now
alumni furious over high school's constant improvements
obama finally tells rambling tom vilsack to shut the fuck up during cabinet meeting
blog: banning athletes who abuse performance enhancers will finally create a level playing field for the all-night olympic village fuckathons
there no way tv character could actually afford big 'new york city' coffee mug
shelling from royal caribbean’s m.s. ‘allure’ sinks carnival cruise vessel that crossed into disputed waters
i did warn you not to get me started on the shortcomings of the ‘lego indiana jones’ games
hostages trapped inside walmart insisting they never shop at walmart
overweight man receives 'lose weight fast' spam e-mail featuring his picture
area man dying to tell someone his cool password
americans confused by system of government in which leader would resign after making terrible decision
israel builds new settlement to host palestinian peace talks
life: 6 bed and breakfasts that ewan mcgregor stayed at once, ranked by how much they lean on that in their advertising
palestinian family trapped under rubble thrilled to hear 'gaza' trending on twitter
shape magazine declares july 'let yourself go' month
new custard could cause worldwide flandemic
mom dishing up her famous comments about your body this thanksgiving
kofi annan places 4,000-pound wreath on mass grave
trump unable to produce certificate proving he's not a festering pile of shit
clinton pours malt liquor on ground for dead homies
uncle put more thought than usual into this year's gift cards
ama: plastic surgery 'only a few years away' from making someone look better
logging industry announces that they just can’t fucking get enough of logs
ornithologist forced to participate in history channel's 'what if humans suddenly became birds?' program
millennium actually starts in 2001, terrorists note
chili's introduces savory new 200-times-baked potatoes
couple puts handful of items on registry that loser family members can afford
l'oréal releases new line of makeup specifically for men to wear when wives not home
bush dragged behind presidential motorcade for 26 blocks
leah remini rediscovers her faith in scientology after going through difficult point in life
nation dreading next 6 months of watching candidates trying to relate to it
report: still hasn't been long enough to open restaurant called bin laden's
grocery-store freezer's white castle section a wreck
kyrie irving promises celtics he won’t quit on whatever team he signs with this offseason
earth’s successful completion of orbit around sun inspires woman to reflect on eating habits
woman mentions participation in cancer walk to cancer patient
45% of items in woman's apartment have word 'love' written on them
how to start a community garden
tips for surviving a blizzard
new healthier menu features food wendy's customers bring from home
npr listener acquires kick-ass tote bag
supreme court: juries can be examined for racism
catholic child told about doggy heaven, doggy hell
terrifying: this ordinary family man was suddenly activated as a clandestine sleeper agent for the cia’s accounting department
old photographs reveal grandmother never that attractive
american airlines admirals club installs two-way mirror for members to enjoy misery of passengers in gate waiting area
warm, syrupy pleasure coursing through man's veins after big hit of mattress
report: holy shit, there still 50 minutes left in movie
'i'm not really looking to date right now,' says man, as if he not at mercy of love's powerful, mysterious ways
how meat reaches our table
panicked meteorologists advise entire nation to take cover after losing track of hurricane michael
an incredible prodigy: this 4-year-old wine taster just became the youngest person ever to pass the master sommelier exam
stunned family watches as grandmother wolfs down sandwich in 33 minutes
houseguest asks if host has blanket that's never been washed he can use
memphis airport panda express takes over as nation's most depressing place
millions of white nationalists gather in streets, offices around country to normally go about day
doug baldwin sick of being disrespected by statistics | the onion
obama warns he may cease to exist unless america believes in him
new-versus-old electric-slide confusion blamed in wedding-reception pileup
clickventure: you are lin-manuel miranda! can you avoid blowing all your ‘hamilton’ money at the mall?
report: decision to read this headline has erased future daughter ‘emily’ in all possible timelines
scientists warn americans to stay away from that bird
pederast judge tries 11-year-old as adult
chinese factory workers fear they may never be replaced with machines
frugal star wars fan camping out in front of 99-cent theater
nation elects first openly drunk senator
remains of ancient race of job creators found in rust belt
hillary clinton drags taliban leader's body through streets of kabul
tyson foods executives assure critics their chickens physically incapable of walking even if they had room
new little caesars marketing strategy has employees throw themselves on hoods of passing cars
microsoft word now includes squiggly blue line to alert writer when word is too advanced for mainstream audience
national weather service releases composite sketch of tornado it believes ravaged midwest
medical mystery: this injured woman is still feeling pain despite putting a large steak on her eye
tarantula rushing to shave legs before meeting up with mate
fat guy mistakenly thought of as strong
trump furiously searching raytheon catalog for gift after realizing he promised china and ukraine same javelin missile
article: have your voice heard! use the sliders to write #bluelivesmatter in the comments section of an online recipe for baked alaska
cocky attempt to operate atm in spanish backfires
nasa announces future shuttle launches will be sudden and without warning
man walks in on roommate in kitchen having way with his leftovers
call me a radical
only 4 drivers left alive go into final nascar race of season
they said what?!: find out what penn jillette, wolfgang puck, and christina el moussa have to say
recently canonized martyr added to vatican's animatronic hall of saints
pilot informs passengers they will be rerouting to avoid scary cloud that looks like shark
word 'presumptive' prepares for another 4-year hibernation
newly sworn-in north korean official wondering how he'll eventually be executed
the onion reviews ‘jurassic world’
probably awesome! the kid who left high school to go to hockey school in like canada or vermont seems to be in some sort of pre-nhl league now
i'm different, but there is one, what is constant - like sex! 20+
gym places flowers, white spin bike in spot where soul cyclist killed
soybean pissed after learning trade war means trip to china canceled
news: out of control: the pentagon just allocated $500 million for 5,000 more shotgun guys
video: devastating: these women attempt to shake hands, but are too far away
creative writing teacher announces plan to sit on edge of desk
man’s obituary accompanied by photo of him dressed as wizard
gwyneth paltrow tried to survive a week on food stamps and she died
pope john paul ii, longtime owner of popemobile, dead at 84
'nothing ordinary' about multinational chain of pepsico-owned, mexican-themed fast food outlets
philip morris ceo forces senator to dance for his amusement
zales introduces new line of casual dating diamond rings
history doomed to repeat itself, reports man who just dropped food on pants
revealing spring attire reminds man he nothing more than weak, hormonal ogre | the onion
study finds earth located in lamest part of universe [video]
news: incredibly generous: regis philbin visited this sex ed class and told the students that vultures would eat him alive if any of them had sex before marriage
half of nation outraged at new, not-yet-released michael moore film
study finds majority of deaths caused by failure to heed omens
excited cia director can't wait to declassify last night's incredible mission in middle east
new study finds primitive customers capable of buying tools from hardware store
new fad diet requires you to stop eating for a full five minutes a day
quiz: do you have what it takes to show the ninja turtles a good experience at church?
depraved candidate struggling to support $100,000-a-day advertising habit
redford to re-digitize ordinary people, improve space battle
chris collins thanks supporters with can't-miss tip on biotech stock
asshole from plane greeted at baggage claim by whole family
god purges millions of souls from heaven now that sexual assault being taken more seriously
mel brooks starts foundation to save word 'schmuck'
must see: unprecedented: a judge just granted custody of two children to a pretty responsible seeming walrus instead of either parent
woman assaulted by celebrity just needs to sit tight for 40 years until dozens more women corroborate story
report: bananas still most popular fruit for pretending to receive phone call
nate silver gunned down attempting to cross mexican border with all 2016 polling data
bill clinton still waiting for personal apology from monica lewinsky for using power as intern to exploit him sexually
guy in rome does as the tourists do
area man visits haiti to check up on $10 donation
new 'game of thrones' trailer confirms season 8 will reveal identity of sword-covered chair
busy obama sends drone to pick up sasha from school
employee's loyalty garners ceo's contempt
wedding invitation includes depressing map to church
purchase of jeans ushers man into exclusive, ultra-cool subculture of jeans-wearing americans
battleship awkwardly propped up against ferguson police department
nation's movie theaters bracing for 'hansel and gretel' being perhaps the biggest hit of all time
inconsolable jeff sessions tries to commit suicide by smoking joint
newborn constantly terrorized by horrifying shapeless blobs
upper-middle-class man vows to never forget middle-class roots
elmo admits he's uncomfortable working with gay puppeteer
highlighting in used copy of plato's republic stops on page 17
doctors assure recovering patient he has many more years of looking at phone ahead of him
man with widely circulated penis pictures not the most humiliated person at podium
mannequins seem really in love
obama waiting for perfect moment to walk by white house tour group
world cup teams to watch
fire hydrant blows load all over hot neighborhood kids
new subway promotion to honor subtember 11
getting arm squeezed by walgreens blood pressure machine most physical contact man has had in months
new 92-grain bread depletes majority of world's resources
kris kristofferson pretty sure he's going on after some guy named lord
hillary's top donor buys the onion and starts publishing propaganda immediately.
tea party plans to recruit more coloreds this fall
nation wondering why struggling mental health system can’t just pull itself together
authorities praise twitter users' rapid response to virginia shooting
the week in pictures – week of june 11, 2018
apple's gag division unveils sleekest fake dog shit to date
quiz: has every teacher at your school gathered to watch you take a math test because you’re incredibly smart or incredibly stupid?
iraq declares partial law
mueller admits a smarter president would’ve totally found way to stop investigation by now
area woman recalls days when she resented being hit on
little karate figures on top of local dojo's trophies all cowering in fear
ted cruz names this fuckin' lady—remember her?—as vp pick
my ass wants cock! how many of you fuck me? o
ceo has female sex organs
wheelchair basketball game enjoyed for all the wrong reasons
new book written from perspective of gargamel
alex jones pleads with sandy hook parents to imagine pain an expensive lawsuit would cause him
woof, just brutal: the 10 shittiest shows on pbs
remorseful beto o’rourke admits his family responsible for my lai massacre, triangle shirtwaist factory fire
rumsfeld makes jerk-off motions as powell speaks at cabinet meeting
new climate change report just list of years each country becomes uninhabitable
study finds dogs twitching in sleep are dreaming about tearing owners limb from limb
woman's head feared lost forever inside infinity scarf
zamboni crime family indicted in ice-shaving scandal
hillary clinton quietly asks bill if he still finds her electable
dog keeps iceland awake all night
r. kelly releases emotional new song thanking fans for continued acceptance of sex crimes
climate change researcher describes challenge of pulling off worldwide global warming conspiracy
not fooling anyone: this middle schooler who’s loudly claiming he already lost his virginity obviously doesn’t realize everyone can see his chastity belt
police use axe body spray to break up crust punk protest
the rock said what?!
routine, affordable medical procedure put off another year
nation not sure how many ex-trump staffers it can safely reabsorb
young billionaire's age not reported for sake of nation's ego
expiration of contract allows fergie to put on pair of pants for first time in 5 years
pop stars to consolidate
increasing number of couples now using surrogates to have, raise baby
researchers publish list of ways animals can help fight climate change
how to channel your road rage into cold, calculating road revenge (watch to the end)
grandmother doesn't care for new priest
sec replay official overturns 'roe v. wade'
woman only dates on national television now
landlord promises to figure out why leaky ceiling not his fault
when this boy with a colostomy bag said he was sad there were no superheroes like him, marvel told him it’s absolutely crucial for superheroes to have a functioning anus
blood-splattered joe arpaio calls trump to tell him he's going to need another half dozen pardons
microwave used as alarm clock
new report finds voters have no idea how outraged they supposed to be about anything anymore
e3 attendees flee in terror after bethesda presentation glitch causes deathclaw to spawn on convention floor
pants these nerds!
shaken attorney general resigns after learning what murder is
kushner: 'i did not collude, but i pretty much have to say that, right?'
praying mantis hesitantly agrees to try girlfriend's sexual fantasy of eating his head during intercourse
kitchenaid unveils new all-terrain rolling pin
veterinarian wishes owner would just let dog answer one goddamn question
strongside/weakside: deshaun watson
onion talks: hypothetically it would be okay to have sex with a robot dog
mike pompeo defects to north korea after learning about kim jong-un’s torture program
onion explains: global nuclear proliferation​
mortician always keeps hammer at tableside just in case one comes back to life
no one at ad agency remembers hiring carrot top for commercial
dan fogelberg fails to soothe area lite 108 listener
mattress store experiments with non-blowout sale
year abroad changes student's worldview for one year
scarlett johansson immediately rejects heartwarming prom invite from high school student
local mother clips article about benefits of vitamin e
increased violence leads state department to issue advisory for americans traveling to 1861
report: 40,000 people died on ferris wheels this summer
sean hannity unable to stop smiling while talking about shooting death of black teen
new stem education initiative inspires girls to earn less than men in scientific career
conversation at other end of table sounds way more interesting
exhausted robert mueller turns off phone to give himself breather from russia probe news over holiday break
housing crisis vindicates guy who still lives with parents
report: that whole side of family just like that
stupid man overshadowed by louder stupid man
beethoven’s ninth symphony gives man idea to be genius of some sort
new financial report finds economy invincible forever this time
pulitzer board adds giant pumpkin category
tv critics admit to never having watched the wire
child's last steps captured on video
report: turkey sandwiches an excellent source of turkey sandwiches
trump boys construct fake melania for lonely father to spend time with
blog: if our country can’t agree on basic facts, i fear my record-shattering high score in ‘big buck hunter’ will be lost in the murk
special 'framers' cut' of constitution to feature five deleted amendments
protesters ignored
rescued baby bird wearing out welcome
5 things to know about michelle obama
report: 84% of americans currently contestants
that same guy with the glasses at every rock show
applicant who actually faced punishment for sexual assault clearly not yale material
palestinians starting to have mixed feelings about being used as human shields
earth passes through temporal vortex hurling planet into year 2019
3-year-old pretending stuffed animals having big fight about accidental pregnancy
fans excited as ‘solo’ trailer sheds light on specifically how it will suck
a timeline of trump’s relationship with the press
conga-line participant beckons ominously
minnesota braces for return of bachmann's full attention
white house announces 'everything great in iraf'
'97 neons to come in three hideous new colors
francis ford coppola spends afternoon hawking samples of coppola winery cabernet to indifferent grocery store shoppers
nation's women not as crazy about bryan gosling
heartwarming: stan lee is set to make his final marvel movie cameo in ‘avengers: endgame’ as iron man
bumper nilla crop spells profit for wafer growers
cnn renews 'this week at war' for next eight seasons
most shocking things drake has said if you take them out of context
life: 9 feminist values i managed to wring out of ‘street sharks’
7 swans scientists should turn into worms
bloated, rotund bernie sanders reveals he has finished drinking all of flint's water supply
how to buy credit card from dark web without scamming | best credit cards black market links 2019
humanity still producing new art as though megadeth's 'rust in peace' doesn't already exist
‘queer eye’ fans, rejoice! the fab five is adding a sixth member named ‘pig boy’ who bites those responsible for a participant’s self-esteem issues
johnson & johnson introduces 'nothing but tears' shampoo to toughen up newborns
malaysia airlines expands investigation to include general scope of space, time
christ sues catholic church for unlicensed use of his image
husband buys wife tickets to see singer she wants to fuck
not quite how it works: mom posted a ‘but her emails’ meme underneath the status her friend posted about putting her dog to sleep
news: doing his part: the ceo of nissan has opened his 2009 nissan altima to shelter four houston residents if any of them can make it to japan
87 killed in violent kerfuffle
ross ice shelf embarks on world tour
nation finally ready to look at more sidewalk drawings that look like big holes but are actually just flat
secret service shuts down biden's unofficial white house tour operation
disgusting freak: this man has an entire room in his house dedicated to urinating and defecating
news: concussion crisis: a study conducted by general mills on the brains of 20 deceased nfl players found that cte dramatically decreases athletes’ ability to enjoy lucky charms
going-out-of-business sign thanks neighborhood for 3 months of no support whatsoever
area man stops self after eating 3 advent calendars
sprint's new long-distance relationship plan offers decreased minutes each month
extremely vibrant town able to sustain two buffalo wild wings
surviving miner ordered back to work
researchers forced to scrap another sleep study after participants murdered in dreams by serial killer
parking-ramp attendant moves slightly
obama replaces costly high-speed rail plan with high-speed bus plan
is pittsburgh the new austin? the austin we hoped and dreamed of, the austin that was foretold?
egyptians concerned about direction government is toppling in
hardline pastry chef displays american flag with raspberry cream stripe to honor sacrifices bakers make every day
pop culture site powering through 4 weeks of sponsored posts for movie its film critic called ‘contemptible trash’
super women for s......x here vttmwxjbrh
life: heartbreaking: it looks like none of the students are taking out their phones to record this social studies teacher’s black eyed peas mashup parody overviewing the treaty of versailles
democrats launch new ‘listen up, hayseeds” campaign to connect with rural voters
bush vows to discover, legalize aliens on american, martian soil
aging mother knows any wrong move could be taken for telltale sign of dementia
betsy devos confirmed as education secretary
historical archives: to be sold - carved wooden heads
woman quickly reading up on candidates’ policy stances after voting
hillary clinton wows russians with poignant chekhovian monologue
white house quietly retracts entire state of the union address
supreme court agrees to disagree on abortion issue
military-industrial complex recalls coming together in aftermath of 9/11
audience left wondering what happened after action film pans from character to shot of blood spattering against wall
rubio campaign deploys 6,000 ground troops to combat isis
golden years spent in brass urn
wedding experts say engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners’ lives
congressman checks in real quick with ethics office to make sure pressing exposed penis against intern doesn't constitute sexual harassment
hand drum after hand drum emerges from vw bus
department of defense unveils $83 million thing that shoots
sprint, t-mobile ceos merge into grotesque executive hybrid
snack that resided in empty vending machine slot must have been delicious
thing that was popular before brought back in hopes of it still being popular
humane society urges americans to opt for shelter turkey this thanksgiving
area man may never find out if condom in wallet is still good
fema frantically prepares apology for screwing up hurricane florence response
sound of children's laughter music to disney focus-group leader's ears
blog: i used to be pro-obamacare. then it saved my shitty life.
eyes on the crown: meghan markle just smothered ringo starr with a pillow in a misguided attempt to make herself next in line to be queen
area supervisor hates to break up little party
grizzled proofreader has seen it written both ways
area man knows exactly which relatives would be problem if he ever came into money
senator chuck grassley hurting gop's chances with women at bars
norah jones releases debut album for third time
new poll finds 80% of americans would just fucking destroy a pan of brownies
travel channel blows its 'bed and breakfasts of new england' wad
rahm emanuel breaks ground on new jason van dyke police academy
incredible: 17-year-old chloe kim won olympic gold even though she was required to have a parent or guardian on her snowboard with her
'underground railroad' carries slaves from brooklyn to manhattan
life: ‘as an homage to the video game, some theaters will play a speedrun version where the entire film is shown in just 14 minutes’: everything you need to know about ‘tomb raider’
michelle obama quietly reassigned to department of agriculture after butting heads with president
cheney wows sept. 11 commission by drinking glass of water while bush speaks
"if i could be just completely honest for a second, i believe exactly what you believe" says hillary clinton
news: a new era: donald trump just whispered ‘hope you like to make ham, motherfucker’ to a white house chef
area man achieves your dream
area man remembers less politically correct time when christmas was about honoring the glory of saturn
botanists discover trees are all slowly trying to strangle each other
impersonal trainer couldn't give a fuck what you do with those free weights
miami heat confident they have the right officiating to triumph over pacers
atm flees to mexico with $50,000
homeland security director releases list of terrorists who don't have the balls to attack u.s.
woman confident she has the safety net it takes to achieve dreams
christianity: is your family at risk?
spider sitting on shower wall can't wait to see look on man's face
shanghai family sick of eating chinese
backpacker planning to shatter europeans' preconceptions of americans
child's favorite restaurant also dad's favorite bar
couple keeps marriage together for sake of no one
area man willing to give up any of muslims' rights necessary to feel safe
paul mccartney's mix-cd for new girlfriend a little self-indulgent
gondolier ordered to follow that gondola
unlucky in love: 4 times regis philbin got voted off ‘the bachelorette’ in the first episode of the season
mapping the ozzy genome
pete buttigieg stuns campaign crowd by speaking to manufacturing robots in fluent binary
room scanned for something to sell on ebay
conference call going awesome
area woman already planning party for 'mad men' series finale
quiz: how many of these kiss songs have you heard?
area dad just wants to watch one 7-hour block of television without interruption
germans humiliated after winning world cup 6.38 seconds behind schedule | the onion
that guy from that one show in rehab
budweiser unveils social anxiety bottle with 900% more label to pick at
ticketed motorist pointing finger just the green light cop needed
local gym teacher loves forcing children to dance
nation checks out cnn.com to see what their old pals the tsarnaevs and castros are up to
d.c. visitors impressed by statue honoring nation’s first obelisk president
republicans outraged over redtube censoring of conservative voices
distant planet terrified it might be able to someday support human life
decades of blasts in middle east beginning to expose earth's mantle
man who stood and watched robbery acted on pure instinct
friends place memorial on section of six flags roller coaster track where guest died
report: 80% of queen's 'greatest hits' cds lodged in center console of first car
cash-strapped fivethirtyeight lays off dozens of top algorithms
new 10-10-911 saves emergency victims up to 30 percent
life: the dangers of automation: the nation’s eye-candy pool boys are struggling to compete with more efficient, sexier pool-cleaning robots
hypothetical cat simultaneously dead and alive, physicists say
annoying coworker insists on existing right in visual range
heartbreaking: this kid is still talking as if he could possibly dig his way out of the hole he dug when he said he thinks his sister is hot
elderly woman begins freezing meals husband can eat while she’s passed away | the onion
unsuspecting movie stars follow fake red carpet into back of kidnappers' van
peyton manning’s wife quietly asks how much longer papa john going to crash on their couch
columbus day protests once again erupt as nation struggles with its dark, anti-italian past
churchgoer tips god for excellent week
‘things will never be as good in real life as they are on tv,’ sighs man watching sated cartoon character pull entire fish skeleton out of mouth
man honestly thinks he's going to get to bed early
well, neighbors just got a pit bull
world health organization director-general classifies gaming disorder as disease after son spends beautiful day inside playing ‘overwatch’
bin laden vineyard falling into disrepair
home-brewing phase comes to long-overdue conclusion
paul lynde impersonation lost on daughter's friends
bel-air homeowners association issues fine to resident with unapproved wildfire in front yard
ivanka ashamed after becoming first trump to run business into ground
the election of donald trump: a candidate who united every american intolerance
inside: the fetish photography of german chancellor helmut kohl
study: zero people have led satisfying lives after altering original career plans, aspirations
netanyahu announces day of mourning for fence damaged in yesterday's conflict
trinidad and tobago issues commemorative leonardo dicaprio postage stamp
chris hemsworth deputizes hunk to assume 'sexiest man alive' duties in his absence
hot rock-and-roll chick totally married
cretinous reprobate home for the holidays
rapidly expanding at&t merges with entirety of existence
30-year-old has earned $11 more than he would have without college education
rembrandt's 'night watch' falls off museum wall after sticky tabs come loose
turkish man kiss you
still think gmos are okay?
royal baby eats first meal
consumer reports rates self 'excellent'
new okcupid feature alerts users when it's time to come crawling back
8 ways to make your mom’s birthday party at great clips as magical as possible
sports de-emphasized
toddler just looking for sensible mid-range tricycle
scientists isolate area of brain that doesn't like poking
bryan singer celebrates 'bohemian rhapsody' oscar nominations by popping open special bottle of rohypnol
film critics captivated by use of one long, unbroken take in parent's recording of middle school 'guys and dolls' production
the 7 best parking lots for sitting in your car after a big fight with your wife
first-time voter will always remember day he cast ballot for nick barborak
god help us: last night beyoncé dropped 6 new albums, 2 full-length documentaries, a parenting book, and a line of greek yogurts
bush texting while mahmoud abbas speaks
nation's school systems held back a year
study: child obesity rates declining, but you wouldn't know it looking at macarthur center mall in norfolk, virginia
supercuts now offering to give customers baths for $14.99
patriothole: liberal hypocrites: why are dems criticizing roy moore when pedo prez barack obama is still married to former teenager michelle obama?
virulent strain of soy flu traced to single tofurkey
being a senator means making tough decisions that aren't always popular, smart, politically viable, or beneficial to your constituents
local household announces plans to overdo halloween again
outline of inhaler clearly visible in comic-con attendee's lycra bodysuit
new desk chair a boring dream come true
woman injured in hostile makeover
2024 financial collapse passes house 258-159
sweating, shaking pharmaceutical ceo says he can stop profiting off opioid epidemic anytime he wants
child venture capitalist invests $2.50 in friend's slug-eating enterprise
foie gras, scallops snuck into opera house
people think being a veterinarian is just playing with cute animals all day, but i also get to kill them
report: now sadly the best time in american history to be black
‘new york times’ announces new columnist will contribute nothing to society 3 times a week
khalid sheikh mohammed reluctantly accepts alternative sentence of coaching troublesome youth sports team
obama endorses not doing goddamn thing to fix illinois in midterms
hippie will tell you what the real crime is
bride always dreamed about making fiancé's friends sweat asses off in fucking sun
study: support for bill of rights highest while attempting to talk way out of drunk driving arrest
mars maven begins mission to take thousands of high-resolution desktop backgrounds
heroic police officer talks man down from edge of purchasing subway footlong sweet onion chicken teriyaki
man needs emotional support only a woman can feign
teen newsweek reports north korea is the bomb
masochistic toilet craving hot piss
area man shocked to see his elementary school has a website
life: heartwarming! this peewee soccer coach let everyone try out for goalie as if the team’s 140-pound 8-year-old wasn’t a shoe-in
iowa aims to keep young people from moving out of state with new 'the stress will kill your mother' retention campaign
cooking class instructor can already tell which couples signed up based on marriage counselor's recommendation
violinist sick of doing mozart covers
missing boy scout earns publicity badge
myth vs. fact: paid sick leave
nation sick of looming stuff
'game of thrones' fans now just hoping george r.r. martin dies soon so estate can release whatever he's already written
70,000 burning man attendees die of dehydration after thinking someone else was bringing the water
masochist dog enjoys being walked around on leash while naked
fan bravely ventures to other side of stadium in search of better food options
good cop, bad cop both racist
group of christie campaign deserters found in forest
giant blood clot dislodges from your femoral artery
dog held against will inside skype window
life: shameful: this man won’t stop demanding candles, even though he’s already holding one in each hand
'so what did i miss?' asks michael flynn tilting large flower on lapel towards trump
my work is largely unappreciated (classic onion article from the print era with undying thanks to /u/mydogismarley for tracking it down)
new vh1 show canceled for not being pathetic enough
increase your cognitive ability by reading a fucking book for once
‘i must make sure you have the skills to please my grandson,’ says queen elizabeth disrobing before meghan markle
congress relieved to admit it's not going to accomplish anything this year
matt lauer spending more time with friends, family after installing automatic locking devices on doors at home
sex ed vs. abstinence-only education - the onion - america's finest news source
funeral held for door shot 4 times by oscar pistorius
a historic loss: barbara bush, a woman famous for never once being horny for the ‘stranger things’ kids, has passed away at the age of 92
man's facebook status given book deal
life: a piece of history: the bird the wright brothers sat on top of for research is being added to the air and space museum
ghost of robin williams bothered by dipshit hollywood medium
nation begs for midterms to be pushed back to delay start of 2020 presidential campaigns
guantánamo prisoners released into cheering dnc crowd
nasa announces plans to launch chimpanzee into sun
(from 2012) after obama victory, shrieking white-hot sphere of pure rage early gop front-runner for 2016
82-year-old new jersey congressman bill pascrell quietly asks ilhan omar if he can be part of the squad
25-year-old goes on raucous immunization binge on night before losing parents' health insurance
report: some shithead out there makes so much more money than you
asian guy has separate group of just asian friends
5-year-old feels like she just wasted whole carousel ride waving to dad
texas vows to reclaim title of most regressive state from arizona
major disappointment: these parents played their baby classical music in the womb and he was born with a long white beard but is still dumb as hell
study: humans began domesticating animals to comfort children whose parents split up
boss' dick not going to suck itself
area man overly proud of never wearing underwear
historical archives: one may now toil from home
news: branching out: yao ming has been hanging outside gamestop asking customers if they would be interested in a video game about his long legs having a big adventure
cnn investigating reports of wolf blitzer's highly proper sexual conduct
sitting inside cardboard box the safest 6-year-old will feel for remainder of life
holocaust film appeals to believers and skeptics alike
audio guide clearly hates degas
idiot zoo animal with zero predators still protective of young
couple's fucked-up presex ritual involves tucking both kids into bed
hussein court shocked by ironclad alibi
fucking weird: this couple has 8 children and they aren’t even religious or anything
area woman's type tall, athletic men who have already hurt her
report: americans waste enough food each year to give over 1 billion third world residents diabetes
new omnigrain cheerios made with every existing grain on earth
video: beautiful: watch as the owner of this clock store finds out he’s the timekeeper of the clouds and floats into the sky on the largest grandfather clock in the store
kid putting pencils between knuckles about to fuck someone up
life: spirit of easter: when these parents didn’t have enough money to get their kids easter baskets, cadbury gave them the go-ahead on twitter to steal candy from walmart
exxonmobil introduces new 8-course gasoline tasting menu for luxury cars
adderall receives honorary degree from harvard
florida police warn public against taking law into own hands unless it's that law specifically designed for you to do that
how can we make the war in iraq more eco-friendly
most popular fitness trends
nbc admits to never actually making an episode of 'chuck'
new toyota suv holds eight passengers and their suvs
trump asks why kavanaugh accuser didn't just immediately request hush money
flynn pleads guilty to lying to fbi, but, worst of all, lying to himself
blog: now that trump’s cronies are starting to fall, it’s only a matter of time before everything works out totally fine for all guilty parties involved
‘the case, mr. kerry, give me the case,’ demands malaysian ambassador holding dangling john kerry from petronas towers skybridge
breitbart traffic down as readers now getting bulk of news analysis from graffiti scrawled across neighborhood
news: back to the drawing board: dnc scientists just carried a screaming jon ossoff down a hallway lined with jon ossoff prototypes
michael jordan attacks softness, lack of competitiveness in modern blackjack players
twenty minutes spent making tuna fish palatable
u.s. capitol cleaning turns up long-lost constitution
luther vandross remembered, if only for one night
anthropologists discover isolated tribe of joyful americans living in remote village untouched by 2016 election
cosmopolitan offers 15 tips for fattening up for winter
two dozen restaurant patrons made violently ill from marriage proposal
emotionally abusive social media site continuously manipulating woman into staying
guy on racetrack p.a. sounds a little depressed today
life: 7 things babies learn while still in the womb
what's left of pamela anderson married again
knowshon moreno asks broncos if there's anything else to drink besides gatorade
feedback taking too long to be positive
news: standing in solidarity: the san diego zoo is observing ‘a day without a woman’ by releasing all its female animals
milkshake almost ruined by breakup
pope francis on vatican abuse scandal: ‘just tell me whose feet to wash’
report: retailers pull in $5 billion annually from women coming off street to avoid harassment
family comforted by thought that man’s death will prevent others from climbing war memorial to pretend to fuck horse
as election draws near, area man moves to all-obama t-shirt rotation
restaurant's eating challenge rewards any patron who can consume reasonably portioned meal
strangulation the new blow to the head, says hired killer magazine
report: rest of pottery class knows each other from previous pottery class
world health organization releases top 10 most fucked up causes of death
crate & barrel introduces line of disgusting couches you can put on your porch
extremely embarrassing: this woman’s ‘crazy frog’ ringtone keeps going off in the middle of her own funeral
area man lives to correct pronunciation
10 people who made no difference in 2014 | the onion - america's finest news source
controversial puppy bowl star shits during national anthem
red cross accused of wartime non-profiteering
warden figures week in solitary ought to teach inmate not to be schizophrenic
huckabee sanders repeatedly insists that president's footprints created the great lakes
report: 45% of all randomly paired freshman roommates now at breaking point
'please, melania, don't leave us!' pleads king of wooded faerie realm as first lady climbs back into tree hollow
this looks bad: the president of the national dairy council threw up and resigned at a press conference after a reporter told her where milk comes from
important piece of paper tragically smudged with breadstick grease
boy’s tragic death could have happened to any family with 20-foot pet python
rick scott orders hurricane michael to evacuate from florida
esl textbook concentrates on food-preparation vocabulary
cosby lawyer asks why accusers didn’t come forward to be smeared by legal team years ago | the onion - america's finest news source
miami marlins looking at eliminating unprofitable baseball wing of organization
woman who cracked 3 separate iphone screens expecting baby boy this august - the onion - america's finest news source
time running out on second-keg fund drive
christian prop comic wowing churches from coast to coast
please do not let funyuns become the official chip of the alt-right
gop 'ins' alabama representative
study finds no logical reason why planes fly
colorful multicultural mural celebrates diverse lack of talent
mother's little angel just made fun of classmate's weight for 30 straight minutes
life: absolutely beautiful: when this man donated his liver to a sick woman, she repaid him by giving him her kidneys, and in appreciation he gave her his heart, so she returned the favor by giving him her lungs
eviction notice all business
onion explains: the international state of women’s rights
evolution definitively proven as scientists capture first-ever footage of chimpanzee transforming into human
winter storm threatens homeless man's plans to survive over thanksgiving
fbi raids fridge
cake just sitting there
tim duncan sternly reminds spurs about maximum occupancy limit of locker room
area man refuses to accept bus-route change
hollywood announces plan to remake jimmy stewart
nation’s conservationists warn there only 8 trillion rats left
part written specifically with sylvia saint in mind
suspension of disbelief goes unrewarded
leather-clad nomads seize power in australia
drummer's girlfriend thinks he should sing
investigators trace cause of notre dame fire to cathedral's outdated 12th-century electrical system
romney during victory speech: 'man, this is a weak field'
manager hates to see you go
new domino's app allows customer to track pizza's movement through digestive system
crestfallen 'game of thrones' fans starting to realize series never going to show dragons fucking
life: touching: after her brother passed away, this woman took over his facebook page to continue sharing islamophobic rhetoric
crane operator likes to start day with a quick 360
area man tired of making excuses for rapist friend
gop vote to gut ethics panel quickly rescinded
owner of cheap motel fixes sign to flicker just right
babysitter enters third hour of negotiations to get 4-year-old to put his pants back on
senior pretty checked out during entire final year
local oddball expends energy doing things
life: heartbreaking: this man’s roommate has officially gotten comfortable enough to quietly sing to himself around the apartment
man surveys party for next group to silently stand in
heartbreaking: there is clearly a ninja turtle under the white sheet at this murder scene
legal dream team of coworkers counsel woman on strategy for speeding ticket
police seize 250 pounds of marijuana smoker
'the time to act is now,' says yellowing climate change report sitting in university archive
hare krishnas: ‘hare krishna, hare krishna, krishna krishna, hare hare’
paris seeks eiffel tower renovations
seating mix-up puts tony bennett in middle of slipknot
report: only 3% of conversations actually need to happen
relationship at point where woman has to learn boyfriend’s family’s weird card games
senator honored for work with overprivileged americans
your horoscopes — week of january 24, 2017
all-american ticket hails from alaska, panama canal zone
it's shark week!
cryptozoologist falls for it again
powerless buster olney knows every mlb team’s biggest needs but can do nothing to address them
chelp me! i found your photos here! how do i remove itc
hot new secretary of transportation to 'shake up' u.s. highways
adrenaline supply intended for lifting car off loved one called upon to carry 4 grocery bags at once
i’m so glad uncle joe is relevant again
happy birthday clickhole!
sasha and malia refuse to smoke cigarettes with me, so i will never speak to them again (by barack obama)
area man secretly tired of exposing his big belly for friends to slap, yet knows no other way
new energy secretary guesses he ought to read up on energy
10 people who made no difference in 2014
of course hair stylist remembers gina
jimmy stewart: 'please god, i want to live again'
man knows unsettling amount about nationwide age-of-consent laws
onion founding editor scott dikkers and clickhole editor in chief jermaine affonso podcast (i know this isn't a onion article but still thought it'd be appreciated here)
area man not about to tie his shoe when he's 4 blocks away from sitting down
romantic gesture too expensive to waste on current girlfriend
pantene releases new complicated 1-in-2 shampoo
deal alert: a beluga whale beached itself with a stomach full of classic n64 cartridges
24-year-old receives sage counsel from venerable 27-year-old
president's lawyers move to discredit michael cohen by pointing out history of committing crimes for trump
snooze button time traveler sets coordinates for 5 minutes into the future
'join email list' box pre-checked like sneaky, conniving fucker it is
we did it, reddit! we helped drive a cyberbully to suicide! #standuptodaniela
embarrassed alexandria ocasio-cortez can only afford american flag pin with 19 stars
whatever: the emo kids are all sitting in each other’s laps and snickering about some emo thing that nobody cares about
anderson cooper throws another box of letters from gay children into dumpster
after 40-day search, authorities finally replace missing boy
obama reminds nation that he’s taking personal day next friday
every single nfl player traded, retired, signed, cut, re-signed over past 24 hours
‘there are things that exist which are not good,’ says obama in stunning rebuke of trump
symphony orchestra simply cannot wait for collaboration with john mellencamp
supportive parents encourage child’s interests in anything within 15-minute drive
woman stalked across 8 websites by obsessed shoe advertisement
mom getting pretty into new tyler, the creator album
restaurant fires pizza-delivery dog
khalid sheikh mohammed confesses to confessing under torture
nation currently more sympathetic to demise of planet krypton than plight of syria
life: learning piano? here are 5 ways that elton john will jealously try to sabotage you
man in political argument clearly just regurgitating monologue from 'henry v'
aerobics enthusiast believes in crystal light, self
popular new amazon service just comes to your house and kills you
crayola ceo presents jarringly ambitious 5-year plan at annual shareholders meeting
springer audience now just chanting 'kill! kill!'
classically trained actor can talk on cue
voter anger palpable at intentionally anger-stoking rally
after an island-wide blackout left millions of puerto ricans without power, this amazing charity air-dropped printouts of the most epic trump takedowns on twitter
female boss walking around like she owns the place
candidate delighted to be in chair factory
tips for handling social anxieties
man straight-up demands to know how many siblings coworker has
study: all of your memories implanted in you 5 minutes ago when universe was created
jcpenney ceo's severance package includes 34,000 pea coats
report: voters may have tried to influence '96 election
school friends don't find camp songs funny
they said what?!: find out what neil degrasse tyson, martha stewart, and jane goodall have to say
hillary, bill clinton to attend inauguration
charlize theron hired to ride struggling cleveland light rail system monday through friday
new gallup poll finds 40% of americans probably going to skip michelle's party
michael bennet quietly asks aide if polling at n/a is good or bad
we’re going to enjoy this cocaine-fueled mason jar rocket ride for as long as it lasts
bobby jindal lies to parents about winning gop nomination
islamic fundamentalists condemn casual day
man knows in reality marrying minnie mouse wouldn’t be as perfect as he imagines
i'm sure this is a stupid question but, is there a way to view who writes each article?
study finds swans only other animals who mate for few years, get scared, end things, then regret it
life: animal rights ftw! popeyes has announced that they will only serve chickens killed in self-defense!
biggest snubs in oscars history
chinese astronomers inform beijing residents sky will be visible for rare 2-minute window tomorrow morning
flock of suicidal geese drinking up the courage to down jetliner
'you're deleting your account? we'll be sad to see you go,' says facebook prompt showing user photo of own dead body
video: passing the torch: watch this father give his daughter his panini before walking into the forest forever
connect four-playing sis pretty sneaky
middle eastern man not sure how many days’ worth of airport detention clothes to pack
road sign over-explains highway's dangers
mourners unable to comprehend last 20 minutes of kubrick's life
area woman can't bring herself to pardon store's appearance
hmo targets blacks with 'rapping good' health campaign
crush lasts entire bus ride
kellyanne conway decides to lie low until rule of law dies down
nation would be totally fine just doing world series now
area woman's hair always wet
bar bet becomes increasingly complex
guy wearing chewbacca costume torn between seeing 'star wars' and 'the big short'
tragic: the michael jordan of whitewater rafting just drowned in the shaquille o’neal of rivers
nation’s historians warn the past is expanding at alarming rate
harvard names rihanna humanitarian of the year
rest of kickline out sick
blog: ‘the hunger games’ gets so much wrong about how forcing people to fight to the death for the enjoyment of wealthy elites really works
man anxiously scanning bar’s reaction to jukebox selection
obama spends wednesday doing some urgings, some callings on
parents regret letting child name dog
pete buttigieg charms crowd at iowa truck stop by sampling local meth
civilization collapses
scientists announce ambitious project to map layer of garbage on ocean floor
israel calls for increase in u.s. taxes to fund attacks on gaza
area man cleans apartment once every relationship
nation celebrates awkward 'take your illegitimate daughter to work' day
mike pence training for vice presidential debate by hitting punching bag with climate change study taped on front
man recalls desperate, exhausting 14-month job search that made him want to get into sales
30-year-old loser still hanging around teen choice awards
aging website wondering why no one ever visits it anymore
sweating, exhausted christian bale stumbles past 13-mile marker on oscars red carpet
having awkward conversation with coworkers in alternate venue referred to as 'going out to lunch'
area desk doesn't mind if people sit on it like a chair every once in a while
dad immediately develops deep friendship with guy giving quote on replacing windows
john kelly denies any knowledge of staffer's misconduct that will break in few month's time
local christian sees parallel to your situation in bible
benefits of open office not extended to ceo
retro-crazed youths re-elect carter
tim robbins tired of being typecast as relatively tall characters
gay marriage passes in 9 states after area homosexual dunks on regulation rim
biden offers government post to elvira, mistress of the dark
something sliding around in coffin
scott pruitt nervously picks up walking pace as hundreds of whooping cranes begin silently perching around him
asian man has thing for asian women
oscars committee announces plan to shorten ceremony to single-millisecond flash of blinding white light
frustrated sycophant can't figure out what boss wants to hear
police union decries egregious carriage of justice in amber guyger murder conviction
delta plane jettisons dozens of comfort animals midflight following policy changes
gene wilder's career in ruins following death of richard pryor
yes lyrics to be added to new testament
trump ramps up attacks on john mccain by dragging senator's exhumed corpse behind motorcade
gay alabama couple always dreamed of getting married surrounded by hostility
heaven prepares for huge rush of college kids over spring break
'st. elsewhere' pa grilled by howie mandel's biographer
wretched outcast woman with combination skin forever trapped between dry and oily worlds
novelist thinks people shrug 10 times more than they actually do
man wearing low-cut swimsuit as though public pool a sun-kissed sardinian cove
david koch delivers suit with note reading 'wear this tonight' to marco rubio's hotel room
stoned extraterrestrial stumbles across hidden message after listening to golden record backwards
kids react to learning what life was like before the internet
department of homeland security not about to raise alert level for 14th anniversary of 9/11
cash-strapped school district furloughs hundreds of nonessential children
fda declares munchos to be good source of disodium guanylate
mother trying her best to project same amount of insecurities onto all her daughters
every day, the tsa catches people smuggling skeletons through x-ray machines. why aren’t they doing anything to stop it?
‘oh goddamnit,’ says pete buttigieg after realizing none of opponents dressed up for pre-halloween debate
shocked ‘our planet’ viewers watch as david attenborough enters scene to break neck of starving polar bear
c-sections altering evolution
area man misses rental car
precocious teen able to read, write
fbi warns ‘downton abbey’ screenings could be target for shootings by disgruntled royalist
keebler expands line of residence-themed crackers
dream team wins small soft drink
israeli government found to be in league with jewry
inspiring: thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue consoles abandoned in the wake of hurricane dorian
annoying youtube algorithm not letting man forget single time he watched 14 hours straight of hitler speeches
choco pie-filled balloons launched at north korea
man worried the 6th 'transformers' movie will just be stupid
boxing coach wishes just once he could mentor someone who has already fully worked through childhood trauma
man given 3 months to live throws in one or two non-sexual things to do
eleven-year-old has miniskirt, pumps, vague notion of what sex is
trump claims substantial portions of the u.s.-mexico laser forcefield have already been built
religious conservatives argue adam and eve would never have been banished from eden if they'd had guns
townsfolk strongly prefer man's werewolf incarnation
friend moving apartments probably just going to rent u-haul, have nervous breakdown
frustrated man can’t believe he can still hear construction worker hammering his wife at this hour
area woman has no idea she will hate jennifer lawrence 7 years from now
workaholic dad misses only one or two accomplishments in unimpressive child's life
news: corporate disaster: at&t has called off its upcoming merger after time warner failed to disclose that one of its employees has diarrhea
retired security guard pens open letter to colin kaepernick about national anthem
i will personally destroy the chances of any 2020 candidate who doesn’t get their picture taken eating at culver’s
instant gratification sped up
national park service releases detailed guide on what visitors should do upon encountering squirrel
cash-strapped oscars to give out emmys
someone's job riding on success of antacid gum
owner pleads with cat to react to fuzzy object
news: overconfidence? hillary clinton has already started hurling trash bags full of her clothes over the white house fence
i.t. guy has long dark night of self-doubt
news: incredible discovery: historians now believe that the egyptians finished the pyramids in, like, a 2-week stretch where they were in the zone and it just flowed out of them
bubba gump shrimp owner comforts depressed guy fieri
heartbreaking: this incel got plastic surgery to look exactly like austin powers but still can’t find women willing to sleep with him
everyone must play this amazing new indie game that probably exists about a lonely penguin that inherited his family’s house or some shit
anyone else notice they’re not posting the usual mass shooting headline anymore?
reverend al sharpton takes time off from holy duties to make tv appearance
delirious koala hasn't slept for 72 straight minutes
across nation, superstores driving out old-fashioned megamalls
stock market plunges ahead of onion social hague trial
report: at least 14 different types of animals crawl on you while you sleep
doctor informs woman she pregnant as hell
citizens to vote on young or old reagan for $15 bill
book given as gift actually read
man pinned beneath car wondering when adrenaline going to kick in
uh oh: mom read an article
new study finds staring out from balcony with best friends strongest indicator that this your city, your time
bill watterson writes, illustrates, shreds new 'calvin and hobbes' strip each morning out of spite
study: 25-foot-tall asian women remain underrepresented in media
report finds more americans putting off children until companies are ready
goldman sachs announces they're blowing up a nursing home and there's nothing anyone can do about it
how does this not exist in 2019?!
parent mad 6-year-old didn't like peanuts special
supreme court justices keep citing cases roberts and alito are too young to remember
friend has some jerky in clear, unlabeled bag for you to try
noam chomsky announces las vegas residency
10 things that will make you super nostalgic for the ’90s
elite congressman trained to kill legislation in 24 different ways | the onion
the pros and cons of universal basic income
photograph of little girl being absorbed into michelle obama portrait goes viral
god seeking to crack down on souls smuggling drugs into heaven
producer wants to call movie crime and punishment anyway
brave mountain lion fends off group of hikers
life: if you donated sperm to california pizza kitchen in the ’90s, you may be entitled to a cash settlement
tracking trump administration turnover
deep orange sun slowly, beautifully setting on topher grace's career
cat dead set on finding way into mirror
eagle_warrior_1776 horrified to discover its entire life a sham created by russians to tilt u.s. election
restaurant patrons rapidly losing faith parents going to do something about 4-year-old
embarrassed sony ceo announces new video game system
study finds 70% of bingo winners end up prizeless within 5 years
last beer in six pack drunk with plastic rings still attached
friends, family admit they expected man’s mental breakdown to look completely different
news: a diplomatic nightmare: china has demanded its own jon hamm
coworker almost got that exact same thing when he ate there
bee stuck between screen door, front door going fucking nuts
parents officially designate upstairs television for anyone who doesn't want to watch thanksgiving football
habitat for humanity investigated for working conditions after 92-year-old laborer collapses on site
texas abortion opponents to cheer selves up with execution
epic facepalm: this man is completely regretting his ‘mom’ tattoo after he and his mom stopped dating
video: ‘zelda: breath of the wild’ is a masterpiece that proves japan is advanced enough to pull off another pearl harbor
poll: 89% of americans believe obama has failed to bring america closer to celestial utopia of endless pleasure
towels across water park lounge chairs mark family's ironclad claim
employee worries coworker's computer screen may be larger
closed-door meeting to determine future of honey-roasted peanuts
man figures he has 2 more bites of roommate’s leftovers before it noticeable
report: fiber optics not a real thing
carlos santana surprises wife with coupon for free 45-minute guitar solo
patriothole: wasting taxpayer money? the white house reportedly spends $7.99 a month on a free hulu trial obama forgot to cancel
news: huge blunder: breitbart accidentally published its prewritten article template for smearing any woman who accuses a conservative of sexual assault
gop leaders’ daughters: ‘it’s pretty fucked up if we’re the only reason you’re denouncing trump’s statements’
dollar tree to stop selling assault weapons
you people made me give up my peanut farm before i got to be president
huckabee campaign suspended after candidate trapped in briar patch
dollar losing value against the quarter
news van driver sick of helping anchors move
man looks on helplessly as friend tells him story he’s already heard
god admits heaven was way cooler in the ’70s
video: appalling: this disturbing cell phone footage captures frat brothers mercilessly berating a very old rabbit
roadmap to peace: necco has set aside a roll of wafers for israel and palestine to share only after they achieve a two-state solution
american public clarifies rational, measured response to this terror threat doesn't preclude panicked overreaction in future
joad cressbeckler fears genetic modification causes 'wrath-minded taters'
life: ‘children of la quinta come home’: la quinta inn is offering birthright to anyone conceived in one of their hotels
royal baby already crawling
star wars gamer magazine boldly claims to be the leading magazine for star wars gamers
nasa administrator resigns after leak of offensive anti-moon email
mom loved 'fruitvale station'
male marsh wren chirping his balls off to attract mate
fair-weather bills fan not even banned from stadium
no one else wants this: dad is facing backlash after making the executive decision that the family will ride out the 45-minute wait for a table at tgi fridays
budget woes force heaven to reduce eternal life to 500 billion years
south carolina refuses to remove confederate flag from capitol trailer
evolutionary biologist discovers common human ancestor at cousin's wedding
'walking dead' fans split on recent harlem globetrotters crossover episode
job applicant totally nails interview with person who will make life a living hell for next 5 years
hippie very involved in hippie non-sports
pope francis recalls starting out at some real shithole churches
'holy shit, the government owes me 50 million dollars,' reports man incorrectly filling out his taxes
estée lauder expedition stumbles upon frozen remains of previous party sent to retrieve rare moisturizing herb in the himalayas
santorum now viciously condemning homosexuals, minorities, women for $100,000 speaking fee
g20 leaders attend saudi crown prince's informative seminar on eliminating dissident journalists
apartment set up to create illusion of well-rounded life
employees: are they costing u.s. businesses too much money?
lebron james to star in ‘space jam’ sequel
james fenimore cooper, famed american novelist, dies at 224
heat wave doesn't bother local contrarian
orlando locals fear town starting to become overrun by tourists
bound, gagged joaquin castro horrified by what his identical twin brother might be doing out on dnc floor
news: amazing: experts are predicting an uptick of four ‘gorsuch confirmation babies’ born 9 months from now
which celebrity should we arbitrarily hate next?
cockroach worried about what kind of kitchen cupboard he leaving to children
obamas sign podcast deal with spotify
smoke rings delighting newborn
man trying to leave hateful message at local synagogue frustrated phone line always tied up with other threats
man resolves to read the wikipedia tabs he already has open before starting new ones
'make daddy die' whispered into build-a-bear
jeff bezos named amazon employee of the month
football fan disappointed by 'super tuesday'
man made clear-headed choice to upload series of online videos explaining how to install surround sound speakers
passionate and hot girl is waiting for you. zyxvlngp2
area man going to sit quietly in darkened bedroom until roommate’s party ends
helpful waitress asks recently seated couple if they’ve eaten food before
'we must protect the pure aryan bloodline,' says child after 9 minutes of unsupervised facebook access
news of jenna elfman sitcom sends herd of buffalo into wild stampede
wrinkly, oversized trench coat returns to stage for 34th season with local community theatre
friends always on best behavior around neil labute
jenna elfman mentally prepares answer to inevitable question about her outfit
u.s. intensifies empty-threat campaign against north korea
deformed freak born without penis | the onion - america's finest news source
dad heartbreakingly thinks his connections can help son find job
sean hannity: ‘i will be dispelling any and all factual claims about me during my show’
mike myers said what?!
bodybuilder strong, but now what?
hootie and the blowfish: breaking down racial barriers between black, white pussies
10-pound fetus about to fucking wreck small mom
leaked 'the last jedi' footage reveals chewbacca balding since 'the force awakens'
new stem initiative just tries to dissuade students in other countries from pursuing science careers
senior center restocks on rum raisin ice cream
nation just goes ahead and decides ‘freedom prevails over hate’ is lesson of 9/11
bank of america introduces new $50 underdraft fee
everything taking too long
nancy grace seen in graveyard sucking marrow from caylee anthony's bones
onion social embraces diversity by adding prophet mohammed emoji
news: a look at the ‘scarface’ soundboard donald trump uses to intimidate world leaders while he is on the phone with them
bible study group preparing for bible aptitude test
birthplace of president carter accidentally visited
rick perry experiences overwhelming feeling of clarity and contentment in final moments before death of campaign
best buy employee wearing different colored shirt for some reason
antidepressant medication label reminds users that pill should never be mixed with long look in mirror
greenspan to play 15 unannounced small-club shows
man forgets he has infant strapped to back
modern-day oscar wilde a homosexual
in response to michael cohen, ‘the onion’ pledges to remove all negative trump coverage in exchange for a direct line to the president
police repeatedly shoot tim cook after mistaking iphone for gun
unstable couple playing with fire by organizing game night
police horrified by grisly remains of taco bell meal
americans outraged amazon’s punishing work culture has yet to yield same-day shipping for all products
'95-'96 prayers finally answered
coworker with fluorescent bike vest treats office to futuristic light show on way to desk
activist wet-t-shirt judge votes for girlfriend
group of hunky cardinals appeals to pope to relax celibacy requirement
clinton takes campaign staff to little hole-in-the-wall financial institution not many people know about
french president pledges to rebuild notre dame in 5 years
oh god, teacher arranged desks in giant circle
mlk’s family urges nation to spend anniversary of his death twisting his words to fit own political agendas
focus group reveals: 95 percent of americans would like to go home
patriothole: the dangers of clean energy: a wind turbine popped this man’s brand-new volleyball
aerospace engineers warn first-grader’s design for spaceship completely unsafe
annoying coworker precedes all nouns with 'quite the'
shipwreck survivors forced to endure ride home on disney cruise ship
the onion - america's finest news source
world's cartographers continue living secret life of luxury on idyllic, never disclosed 8th continent
supreme court justices brought to tears by heartfelt testimony of bigot who hates gay people
rolling stones: is there humor to be found in their age?
bruno mars takes home coveted ‘least threatening artist’ award at 2018 grammys
6 animals nasa has launched into space to kill the chimp that has taken control of the iss
gaunt, sickly kirby takes leave of absence from video games following stomach cancer diagnosis
area mom freaking out for no reason again
allstate charged with operating protection racket
'the onion' guarantees all who watch new amazon series shall be spared
6 things that could’ve been bought with the $1.5 trillion the government spent developing the f-35 fighter jet
kentucky players distraught over losing undefeated season bonuses
bunch of hick nobodies sue for toxic-waste exposure
logo of smiling cartoon tooth holding brush inspires nothing but confidence in local oral surgeon
man appalled at date who lied slightly more than him on online dating profile
halloween unfortunately not only night of year area man drunk in firefighter uniform
news: how the mighty have fallen: jeff bezos has blown his entire fortune trying to win a giant stuffed taz at six flags
7-year-old asshole demands you king him
man still worried parents of ex-girlfriend from 7 years ago hate him
obese man has amazing calves
saudi operative mortified after surveillance footage reveals he wore same outfit as khashoggi
girl you could've slept with pretty successful now
detroit burned down for the insurance money
international atom registry allows customers to name atom after loved one
30-million-year-old species worried it doesn't have another evolution in it
good scissors not in the fucking drawer
tearful meghan mccain opens up about father's dying wish that she be given her own daytime talk show
shooting suspect released after not breaking any arizona laws
heartbreaking: the smiling selfie grandma uploaded to reddit just became the most downvoted post in history
5 questions: ‘black panther’s job is to stand outside of burning buildings doing karate until the fire department arrives’: 5 questions with michael b. jordan
little league world series marred by cutest little allegations of steroid abuse
study: headaches are the body's way of communicating it wants pills
groom getting cold feet about bachelor party
news: an enchanted journey: barron trump stepped through an old closet in the white house and into a magical kingdom where he met a faun with bernie sanders’ upper body
kuwait starting to notice girls
historians still unable to determine how americans were able to build hoover dam
area man maps out drinking strategy
amazon warehouses stocked with 20,000 doctors in preparation for healthcare launch
they said what?!: find out what paul krugman, noam chomsky, kenneth lonergan, and more have to say
incredible 'business-man' has salary of 10 regular men
lesser piece of paper used to test pen's viability
corner store customers saddened by sight of frantic trump doing scratch-off tickets right on counter
life: groundbreaking discovery: paleontologists have agreed to start saying that stegosauruses had beautiful singing voices because it’s a nice thought and it’s not like they’re hurting anyone
report: students who take latin have better chance of summoning demon later in life
will louisville be able to recruit elite prostitutes without pitino?
missing mount everest climbers feared buried under avalanche of dead mount everest climbers
must see: when this dad realized that he couldn’t make it to his son’s t-ball game, he anonymously called in a bomb threat to get the game canceled
news: major disaster: did mike pence just blow the debate when he got off his horse to go feed oats to tim kaine’s horse?
92% of area woman's holiday recipes involve pulverizing bag of oreos
sudanese youths go wild for great taste of any food whatsoever
hey, i'm emma and i'm wanting a nice fuck... only for real men!
missed call from dad at 9 a.m. strikes terror into area man's heart
obama sort of freaked out after not receiving single e-mail, phone call for entire day
japanese prime minister resigns to seek revenge on man who killed his family
netanyahu begins calling for israeli return to ancient homeland of iran
tough-guy ice agent struggling to raise adorable kids after deporting their parents
coed rec softball team having trouble finding enough hyper-competitive men to ruin experience
reagan's memory honored with sharp increase in federal budget deficit
two hipsters angrily call each other 'hipster'
nyc park officials finally get around to replacing dead light bulbs in statue of liberty’s eyes
area man proud he can still fit into car from high school
determined circle of friends diligently traces back how they got onto this conversation topic
elvis costello poster starting to suspect it will never be framed
terrible artist thinks latest piece really represents a culmination of everything he's been working toward all his life
breaking: everyone at bar cooler than area man
amputee inspires others not to lose limbs
pneumonia virus terrified after remembering what clintons capable of
genetically modified broccoli shrieks benefits at shopper
man going to take edge off with decades-long slide into alcoholism
agile, dynamic company able to respond to any challenge by laying off half of staff
high school principal can already tell students are going to eat this one alive
yngwie malmsteen officially changes middle name to 'fucking'
sean spicer quietly puts painting back over unfinished escape tunnel
kidnapper pleasantly surprised to find word ‘ransom’ in magazine he cutting letters out of
internet to reduce e-mail delivery to 6 days a week
your horoscopes — week of february 21, 2017
man visiting hometown amazed to find all his childhood insecurities still there
life: enough is enough: we won’t show you what reese from ‘malcolm in the middle’ looks like today until guantanamo bay is closed for good
‘my parents hit me,’ says bored 8-year-old trying to get reaction from dinner party guests
trump boys sadly release pet alligator into lincoln memorial reflecting pool
‘that first date is going terribly,’ think diners watching couple celebrate 5th anniversary
deloitte hires accountant after noticing popular tweets of audit calculations
signature wedding cocktail provides guests with another thing to quietly make fun of
boss has been riding steven van zandt's ass all day
cbs picks up nbc nightly news
fingerprints on lombardi trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
nation confused after james comey dedicates entire memoir to in-depth retelling of martha stewart insider trading controversy
‘aha!’ shouts devin nunes pulling back shower curtain in hopes of revealing hidden fbi agent
impoverished kenyan bean picker can't wait to see what starbucks has to say about racial sensitivity
life: incredible: this woman can use everyday makeup to transform herself into someone who people refuse to take seriously at work
man at party comes crawling back to conversation he thought he could do better than
woman adopts second cat for first one to terrorize while she at work
'okay, gene, let's just get through this,' marketing executive beginning day tells self
yearbook committee forced to print mug shot
benadryl introduces new non-drowsy allergy dart
report: majority of americans stopped paying attention several words ago
another boxing hall of fame induction ends with everyone punching each other
giuliani clarifies he doesn't want gravestone to say 'he married his cousin' either
article about return of burger king chicken fries only news area man has clicked on today
kim jong il ends nuclear program for lead in next 'batman'
woman who started sentence with 'oh my god' really needs to stick landing
renée zellweger no longer renée zellweger type
new history channel program explores what would have happened if history channel never existed
mother's day card finally arrives
department of 'homeland' urges all americans to watch this week's episode
no one in gang has heart to tell police informant his cover's blown
pack of harpies ordered their crostini literally 20 minutes ago
employees on other end of conference call just want it to be over
study finds suspicious circumstances still leading cause of death in russia
dog not sure it ready to tackle whatever happened to man at work today
porch ceded to bats
long john silver's customer finds deep-fried poseidon head in value meal
life: how to win an online argument
man excited to give visiting friends the real fort wayne experience
‘planet earth ii’ finale finally resolves will-they/won’t-they storyline between snow leopard, golden eagle
six flags employee sick of talking visitors down from bad trips
report: many americans not watching enough television to make worthwhile contribution to small talk
they said what?!: find out what pope francis, sanjay gupta, and john cena have to say
barbra streisand to take rare public dump
high-school teacher reluctantly breaks up fight
john kelly hoses layer of crumbs off president before speech on troop deployment
bird's nest 65 percent cigarette butts
grieving nation solemnly waits extra day for their amazon shit
pgo to me!p
man under mistaken impression he his own harshest critic
new study confirms sharks just really angry dolphins
sad man tears 2 bananas off larger bunch
nation's math professors announce plans to continue wearing chinos with running shoes indefinitely
teen male vaguely unnerved by nude pantyhose rack at kmart
grocery-store worker can't bear to eat food anymore
rapper not entirely sure who else is on this track
that knife guy from high school arrested in knife-related incident
matt gaetz insists pointing rifle at michael cohen throughout testimony not witness intimidation
lucky bastard gets to be in coma
new regulation requires all protected species to be actively looking for new habitat in order to receive funding
ghost can't make a simple cup of coffee without everyone freaking out
high-culture wars heat up over controversial new opera
fox news channel adds laugh track
scott pruitt defends use of 1st armored division for trip to dry-cleaner
nation's flag nerds anxiously watching d.c. statehood push
struggling airline helped by friendly giant
kellyanne conway decides to lay low until rule of law dies down
renamed arena will always be verizon wireless amphitheater to locals
the stories in ‘the flintstones’ are powerful, but they probably didn’t literally happen
al-qaeda's no. 114 killed on office depot run
vacation-bound rush limbaugh to do nothing but golf and respect minorities for 2 weeks
heartbreaking: paul simon just announced a simon & garfunkel reunion tour after being catfished by someone pretending to be art garfunkel
poll finds many voters would support equally unlikable third-party candidate
congress wishes they could help puerto rico but it’s all the way over there
video: this man is reunited with his twin 30 years after being separated
‘incredibles 2’ animator describes how he missed the birth of his first child so mr. incredible could have consistently sized penis bulge
pope francis holds sex abuse summit
jury finds man guilty of murdering wife and children, but gets it
29-year-old has been going to different friend's wedding every weekend for past 3 years
relatives gather from across the country to stare into screens together
beauty industry announces massive new initiative to make women self-conscious about their palms
bus passenger really getting into stranger's nursing textbook
world's leading entomologist calls for someone to get it off
'i'd like the crispy chicken sandwich' first truthful thing man has said in weeks
bend in road not sharp enough to merit so many roadside memorials
passengers praying uber just a hobby for elderly driver
pro-life demonstrator clearly using image of subway chicken enchilada melt on anti-abortion poster
man proud of food he ordered
melania trump’s goals as first lady
koch brothers get each other same election for christmas
'100% of teenagers huge fucking assholes,' confirms study by sobbing, red-faced scientists
area mother enters 16th year of post-partum depression
lone geek sits off by self reading the silmarillion throughout recess
buzzfeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagiarizing ‘10 llamas who wish they were models’ | the onion
saltless pretzel hangs alone in bulb-heated rack
fbi director wishes he had some alien thing to cover up
huckabee sanders repeatedly insists that president’s footprints created the great lakes
heartbreaking: soldier returning home from afghanistan completely overshadowed by other family member returning home from adult video store
governor demands to know which star on american flag is iowa's
area woman loses respect earned since last st. patrick's day
dvd tries to pass off 'language options,' 'scene selection' as special features
spurs skype in kawhi leonard for game 4
horrifying email from ex-girlfriend titled 'a few things'
supporters aggravated bernie sanders didn't use dnc speech to get voters to act against their own self-interest
nation’s labradoodles begin combusting after regretful creator initiates self-destruct sequence programmed into their dna
[theonion] my name is karenmartin, i'm divorced and i want to find a guy for the night. do you guys free?
single-engine cessna crashes into bush
dan coats lifts junior senator onto his shoulders to give better view of state of the union
caitlyn jenner winning the award for woman of the year reminded me of this "man finally put in charge of struggling feminist movement"
annoying, well-adjusted friend even fucking meditating now
new study finds box still world's most popular container
5 signs you’re not emotionally mature enough to stick fireworks up your ass
anonymous source informs bob woodward he hasn't been relevant in 40 years
archivists discover unpublished michael crichton manuscript about amusement park that operates without a hitch
study finds growing number of americans would be comfortable with female pep boy
breaking: bitcoin value currently plummeting—no, wait—skyrocketing—no, plummeting
trump boys set up 'don and eric law place' in white house electrical room to help dad with legal problems
cosby lawyer asks why accusers didn't come forward to be smeared by legal team years ago
6 reasons brandon gave for why his dad isn’t around that are definitely bullshit
ryan chugs down rhino horn and bull semen shake for mid-debate boost
dunkin' donuts unveils new seasonal rotting jack-o'-lantern latte for end of fall
researchers say that first warning sign of alcoholism generally driving over curb, plowing through fire hydrant, and crashing into aquarium
dog finds absolutely perfect place to shit
the week in pictures – week of april 30, 2018
zoo hosts contest to name baby of pregnant gift shop worker
on-the-job sexual harassment: three women tell their sizzling hot tales
news: crisis: the astronauts on the iss can’t get their drug dealer to leave
blog: i haven’t brushed my teeth since i got to russia (by edward snowden)
hulk hogan donates hair to lucky locks of love recipient
poor guy: dad hasn’t stopped crying since he found out the mother’s day song he wrote for grandma in 2012 wasn’t one of pitchfork’s top 200 songs of the decade
pennsylvania republican doubts vote he just suppressed would even have made a difference
cheney returns to u.s. with full head of thick, wavy hair
cool glitch effect on movie studio logo must mean shit about to go down
increasingly cocky bernie sanders announces he won’t take donations over 27 cents
5 rejuvenating stem-cell creams that will make you look younger and rapidly age every other woman in a 10-mile radius
retail employee has little daily ritual where he drinks dr. pepper in quiet corner of stock room and doesn’t kill himself
newly unearthed journals reveal j. robert oppenheimer annoyed trinity test researchers by quoting ‘bhagavad gita’ every time they did anything
‘new york times’ announces appointment of anonymous source as editor-in-chief
ivanka trump distraught after learning detained migrant children completely without sewing machines
john delaney warns universal healthcare not as feasible as just letting lots of people die
philip morris scientists discover 'pussy lung' virus
suitcase spends all year looking forward to carousel ride
pornstar has face only stepmother could love
national interest in anything hovering around 3 percent
son-of-a-bitch mouse solves maze researchers spent months building
looking for a partner to have fun. just registred and sx1lr8
area man only one with problems
grandfather seems proud of how many people polio killed
beautiful: this aunt spent all month researching hentai so she’d have something to talk about with her nephew this easter
comments mysteriously disabled on youtube video of sparrow in yard
craftsman confirms new hammer backwards-compatible with previous generation of nails
life: swoon! the new james bond will be played by benedict cumberbatch and rowan atkinson holding hands!
disillusioned hacker starting to feel like he has no impact on american presidential election
a broken system: massachusetts’ courts are still working through a massive backlog of pending witch trials
shameful bullying: cruel kids at school are laughing at this boy just because his name is boner von rimjob and his pants fell down during his solo tuba recital
rock & roll hall of fame rescinds nomination after discovering the cure was voted in as cruel prank by popular kids
twitter rant: harry styles is tweeting that he wants one of his songs to have a parentheses at the end of it like ‘(original song from dreamworks animation’s trolls)’ but doesn’t know how to get it that way
venus horrified after finding millions of nude pictures of herself on internet
united airlines offering immigrants special flights that circle u.s. awaiting gaps in travel ban
this video seems silly, but it makes a good point
hungover energy secretary wakes up next to solar panel
obama sarcastically asks how israel afforded such a great missile defense system
state champs erect triumphal arch
elon musk insists he'd be much more innovative pedophile than thailand rescue worker
5 months of college research outweighed by weekend visiting friend at penn state
rnc builds levee out of poor people to protect convention site
trump: 'i am a very stupid human being'
coming clean: the french government has admitted that the eiffel tower is meant to be a statue of an elephant but it sucks
gay guy's gay thing well attended
new fitness tracker monitors amount of exercise users watch on tv
why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?
22-year-old fuck complains of age discrimination
'me decade' celebrates 35th year
death row inmate dies of natural causes 3 days into execution
report: it time to give up
world wildlife fund urges americans to just grab whatever animal they see and try to keep it alive
man just walked into best buy for no reason whatsoever
papa john's comes under fire for cruel treatment of the bulbous, deformed creatures that lactate pizza sauce
delirious rover hallucinates water on mars
white house releases moving statement honoring woman who called obama an arab in 2008
undercover fireman infiltrates three-alarm blaze
thousands dead in indonesia again
last line of obama's military force request briefly mentions possibility of 25-year quagmire
mad lit professor puts finishing touches on bloomsday device
raid on nacho-supremacist compound uncovers guacamole-making materials
5 tips to fuck good
man pulling on loose hangnail slowly unravels skin from entire body
report: majority of nation’s civic engagement centered around oppressing other people
trump to the rescue: the fat white boy who was expelled for getting fully nude on the school bus to change into his dashiki was invited to the white house
'i want to congratulate the president,' romney says in 240,000th and final lie of campaign
biden arrives early to set up state of the union fog machine
nation’s nonfiction writers announce plans to keep writing down things that happened
neurosurgeon heckled from observation deck
john mccain not going to ask cindy mccain twice
eric trump aims laser pointer at don jr. while flicking lights on and off to erase memory of russia meeting
[the onion predicts the future 4 years ago] after obama victory, shrieking white-hot sphere of pure rage early gop front-runner for 2016
dog chastised for acting like dog
dad immediately hands phone to mom
wall street executive telling friend how amazing it is to see clinton live
woefully misguided man stocking up on gallons of milk for armageddon
usher to put shirt back on when usher ready to put shirt back on
life: it’s called ‘columbusing,’ and it’s the latest teen craze that has kids sailing the globe in search of spice
experts point to long, glorious history of successful u.s. bombing campaigns
johnson & johnson pledges to push uppers for couple decades to even things out
experts recommend families have plan for ditching weakest member in case of disaster
credit-card metallurgists unveil new 'polonium plus' visa card
is the large man in a bib running at you with a comb and fork coming to eat you or just to comb your hair?
brutal gang rape gives screenplay more 'punch'
elderly voter never thought she’d get to see female presidential nominee called heartless ice bitch during her lifetime
afro-disney plans scrapped
what is pokémon go?
amish teen spends entire rumspringa at apple store
greg behrendt releases new book for children: your parents aren't that into you
‘help! help! who am i? where am i? who are you people?’ says biden in embarrassing campaign gaffe
republicans vow not to repeal obamacare without detailed plan for disposing of patients disease ridden corpses
jonathan safran foer guesses it's time to give up on silly little dream of becoming good writer
doritos good
magical voting booth transforms clearheaded americans into reactionist morons
new york attorney general claims assaults were just him role-playing as unaccountable male authority figure
chipper coworker must have eaten breakfast like some big shot
stunted 56-year-old still writing chuck palahniuk novels
congress debates coolness of rush
ice cream truck driver going to let these kids sweat a little bit before stopping
roommates still don't know each other well enough to not speak
hundreds of new york priests plead for sanctuary at st. patrick’s cathedral after sex abuse statute of limitations lifted
scientists recommend having earth put down
let's get that number up to 3,000!
man knows he can always fall back on really terrible job that pays shit
news: leaving his mark: barack obama has nailed one of his shoes to the white house wall so that nobody will forget him
russians to build, tear down statue
news: environmental stewardship ftw! wendy’s just announced plans to reduce the number of napkins it stuffs into drive-thru bags from 20-something to 15-ish
world’s frogs unveil 5-million-year plan to move up food chain
trump: any shooting actually inspired by me would have left thousands dead
high school nurse getting pretty good at spotting morning sickness
pretty obvious which sibling going to have to deal with all the nursing home stuff
doctors reveal dick cheney burning through at least 3 hearts each week
nation's ivy leaguers share hearty laugh that dartmouth grad thinks she can talk shit on anyone
report: good thing world has unlimited quantity of oil
study: american intestinal bacteria most obese in world
area mom convinced 30-year-old daughter would be married by now if she just brushed her hair more
news: public transit ftw: new york city is now offering passengers souvenir photos of their bus ride
men fired in wake of #metoo come forward about how it took them several hours to find new jobs
the onion looks back at 'saving private ryan' | video | the onion
high school fuckup now in charge of checking airport luggage for explosives
american airlines flight headed back to the gate because a woman suspected the professor sitting next to her writing math equations was a terrorist
children exposed to porn may expect sex to be enjoyable
costly mistake: man trapped in burning house accidentally calls for barbershop quartet instead of firefighters
patriothole: sorry liberals, but gun control won’t stop jackie chan if he wants to take out 30 people with a single mop
mark zuckerberg prepares for congressional testimony by poring over lawmakers’ personal data
ambitious social media startup has long-term 3-month plan for company
authorities say country still an active shooter situation
first-term congressman brings fresh roadblocks to table
uncool zookeeper won't let anyone ride gorillas
pope francis beats confession out of uncooperative catholic
pope francis calls on catholics to pay attention to the environment
6-year-old explains how messed up it is that her entire life has been put on facebook
huckabee forced to attend fundraiser with head stuck in molasses crock
sorry but there are no milfs here
grossed-out anti-abortion activist has change of heart after seeing picture of fetus for first time
hideo kojima says new experimental video game will consist entirely of 2-hour-long cutscene
high-school teacher constantly using janitor as example
report: more elderly improving cognitive function by solving murders
holy shit, toddler just face-planted right onto sidewalk
even ceo can't figure out how radioshack still in business
news: a noble tradition: read the beautiful note barack obama burned into the white house lawn for incoming president trump
man in suit makes decision affecting thousands of non-suited individuals
los angeles now 70 percent overpasses
supreme court justices gather in chambers to receive latest mission from large talking head of justice john marshall
kerry downs another vodka shot as the last of putin's security detail passes out
world's 22,000 polar bears forced to share last remaining iceberg
president bush urges nation
‘anthem’ developers assure players whiteboard with words ‘jetpack+guns?’ will be playable game by friday
neighborhood busybody reports sound of gunshots
peaceful protest interrupted by swarm of aggressive black-clad militants
veteran congressman can still remember when inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma
area man proud of blood type
insufferable prick distinctly said no cilantro
plant dead because of you
man’s family rises to record-high fourth priority
6-year-old boy thinks he might be too old to be in women's locker room
pope-killing virus claims yet another victim
‘join email list’ box pre-checked like sneaky, conniving fucker it is
major disappointment: last night’s memorial concert for tom petty only had enough money for a hologram of his foot
senate subcommittee on energy and water development more like a family
mommy not moving
pyramid scheme 'not a pyramid scheme'
general teaches defense secretary how to drive tank in k-mart parking lot
tsunami death toll rises to 36 americans
papa john’s removes n-word from menus
switching gears: michelin guide has announced that it’s tired of judging restaurants and it’s just going to give 3 stars to any restaurant that does that liquid-nitrogen shit
must see: ’80s throwback! johnson & johnson is releasing a limited-edition bottle of poison tylenol
palin brushing up on foreign policy at epcot
states now offering millions in tax breaks to any person who says 'high-tech jobs'
trump tries to doxx impeachment inquiry by tweeting address of capitol building
nutritious lunch brought from home broadcasts middle-aged coworker’s recent health scare loud and clear
man torn between boycotting indiana, visiting evansville zoo
8.4 million new yorkers suddenly realize new york city a horrible place to live
66 percent of u.s. citizens object to torture in nonetheless frightening poll
longtime sexual fantasy awkwardly fulfilled
pediatricians announce 2011 newborns are ugliest babies in 30 years
dennis quaid not up for any oscars
area woman lovingly lint rolling cardigan as if tending to prized stallion
supreme court's sidekick kid justice killed by mad genius dr. contempto
jake hyland of kansas city, mo chosen as nation’s designated survivor in case rest of country wiped out during presidential address
married couple longs for days when they only quietly resented one another
bags filled with sand still most advanced u.s. anti-flood technology
gorillagram employee shot by white house security
john boehner beheads juarez cartel member who dared muscle in on his legal weed turf
seaworld dynamites orca that beached itself on concrete walkway
dubious goal
breakup doesn't seem to have changed relationship
woman comforting friend just going to throw compliments against wall and see what sticks
loyal driveway patiently waiting for owner to return from work
dnc speech: ‘it’s howard dean, motherfucks!’
north korea open to relinquishing nuclear arms
greek prime minister unfriends angela merkel on facebook
life: amazing: yankee candle is releasing a candle that smells like a sweaty teenager for moms who miss their kids who are away at college
life: science ftw! scientists have announced that the water that comes out of whales’ heads is probably piss
ferguson decision reaffirms right of police to use deadly force when they feel sufficiently inclined
iowa fashion week begins
judge rules white girl will be tried as black adult
chained pen yearns to visit rest of bank
radio shack salesman 'a little out of it today'
report: more prisons now encouraging inmates to explore their creativity by designing own method of execution
justin bieber fan jealous of anne frank
hippocratic oath under review by hmo board
supreme court unanimously upholds concealed gavel law
mom's head rotates demonically after passing sign for antique wicker furniture
can trump follow through on his campaign promises?
everything a joke to local teen
special ops veteran slips back into family undetected
news: the saga continues: j.k. rowling has revealed that the lunatic that eats harry potter on his 60th birthday goes on to marry ross from ‘friends’
bernadette peters comes up twice in one day
night watchman keeps leno under close surveillance
science ftw! researchers taught this gorilla sign language and he immediately came out as gay to his father
that cheesecake sitting on the table: what if it accidentally fell into your mouth?
for men looking for great single women, online dating offers a viable solution to the otherwise frustrating task of finding long-term love. a0rnsk5
area man thanked for playing
'these kids should be in school instead of protesting,' say people so tantalizingly close to getting the point
paul ryan currently 141 miles into run through wisconsin countryside
controversial new ham sandwich under fire
life: canine hero: this incredible police dog has been trained to be haunted by an unsolved murder from 2005
u.s. soothes upset netanyahu with shipment of ballistic missiles
domino's introduces thanksgiving feast pizza
deal alert: get 'kingdom hearts iii' for free for next 30 seconds while gamestop clerk is dealing with something in back
onion social ceo responds to company chaos by donating $50 to haiti
camera crew discreetly trails overweight woman for obesity segment
robert kraft agrees to take voluntary leave of absence from orchids of asia day spa
trump aides go into crisis mode after president’s errant remarks condemning white supremacy
report: more americans willing to accept female wonder woman
corey hart still performing 'sunglasses at night' somewhere
man puts glass of water on bedside table in case he needs to make huge mess in middle of night
slain cop had only 37 years until retirement
report: more travelers avoiding long lines at airport thanks to cinnabon precheck memberships
all those years shopping at independent bookstore wasted
panicked man looking for son stressing everybody out
jaguars, raiders hold postseason exhibition game in london
national trust for historic preservation raises millions to demolish trump's boyhood home
news: incredibly selfish: the city of chicago wants its baseball team to win the world series even though it already has a bunch of movie theaters and a zoo
area pedestrian obsessed with crossing the street
geico saves 15 percent or more by discontinuing advertising
no one in women's shelter able to cook decent meal
life: body positivity ftw: finally there’s a doll for girls who have long, rectangular bodies and necks that hinge backwards
secluded cabin in woods filled with big plans for america
scientist has nagging feeling he left particle accelerator on
maple tree wishes it was given a say in becoming memorial to man’s dead wife
kevin spacey responds to assault allegations by seeking treatment for homosexuality
nfl scout hoping player’s hometown friend ‘big killah’ won’t be liability
campaign staffers making progress conditioning hillary clinton to replicate emotions
cdc warns once-eradicated jitterbug spreading across country at rate not seen since 1940s
levi’s unveils new line of jeans with size written across the whole ass
the definition of luxury: this spa has pools with specialized sharks that eat off your dead limbs
ruby tuesday goes public with request that everyone come on down to ruby tuesday
adorable hedgehogs you can look at as long as you can tolerate the sounds of a man chewing loudly
area teen smoking like he's been to fucking war or something
exxonmobil swears it's going to start taxes early this year
report: many states still relying on outdated methods to disenfranchise voters
opening staff rails against incompetence of closing staff
6-year-old hoping it’s not too late to shift career path from astronaut to firefighter
friend insists you just have to climb ladder, hop gap, scale wall to see the view from apartment's roof
stretch of highway learns it was adopted
jeopardizing the deal: this man keeps excusing himself from an important business dinner so he can go to the bathroom and look at his ‘avengers’ underwear
brett kavanaugh reiterates cruel and unusual punishment what makes someone a true kappa
nation's deans meet to discuss problem of college girls going wild
report: just go ahead and tell yourself bribery is the only reason you didn't get into columbia
area cat allergic to kevin strenlow dander
sleazy health insurance covers any doctor's visit they can watch
study finds mass extinction could free up billions of dollars in conservation funding by 2024
governor too embarrassed to say which state he leads
reverend blessed with nine-inch penis
is michigan the team to finally spit in god’s face by beating loyola?
they said what?!: find out what j.k. rowling, sufjan stevens, jack nicholson, and more have to say
neighborhood kids grant landmark status to house where guy killed himself
grandma jumps into buick for emergency birdseed run
brilliant, innovative ceo just wrote words 'social media' on whiteboard and underlined it
encouraging study finds it now easier than ever for american dollars to rise into upper class
report: employers created 40,000 new jobs for existing employees last month
doctor advises man with healthy blood pressure to really fucking let it rip
talkative motherfucker not so extroverted now that friend got off train
woman bites into ‘waferless’ kitkat, demands lifetime supply
alarming study finds more than 12 instances of racism occurred last year
life: this one’s on her: this woman gave more than $120,000 to an online dating scammer even though the guy had only texted her ‘hello’ and never asked her for money
king latifah returns for wife
u.s. changes motto to 'america... we're gonna make ya smile'
college-aged daughter against using straws now
news: deeply troubling: experts warn that overfishing could lead to our nation being buried under huge mountains of fish
visit home reveals parents currently watching previously undiscovered game show
frenzied trump supporters admit they'd be just as happy tearing him to pieces
everyone at u.n. watching trump speak can't believe they used to consider u.s. a superpower
choking man can already tell good samaritan has no fucking clue what they’re doing
grandma amazed by how fuckable grandson has gotten since she saw him last
magazine runs article about louis c.k.
man’s existential terror about country’s slide towards authoritarianism sublimated into campaign to get journalist fired for tweet
giuliani says trump "totally not gay" despite making kim jong-un blow him during peace process. "it makes north korea gay, not america", he explains.
despair-filled tmz parody series: "bullpen" - ep. 1 "wait for it"
you cап find сгazу cаsuаl sех hooкup heге
patriothole: i may not agree with everything trump says, but it’s my duty as an american to repeat all of his talking points basically verbatim
airport security raked in nearly $675,000 in loose change last year
running shoes used mainly for computer programming
community that came together to pay for kid’s cancer treatment goes bankrupt too
how to sharpen your knife with your sword
nostalgia overload: the cast of ‘clarissa explains it all’ killed each other over a priceless diamond last night
new 'do not kill' registry to allow americans to opt out of being murdered
white house hires top hollywood agent to pitch action-packed, high-concept war with iran to american public
everyone forgets to bring swimsuits to coworker's party
trump struggling to recall words to u.s.a. chant
giant american flag draped over entire stadium during national anthem
report: north korea just enjoys nuclear talks
life: heartbreaking: this george foreman grill is best friends with a 7-year-old boy but the kid has no idea
al kozlewski pulls a kozlewski
carmelo thinking he would be good fit on team with gm who hasn’t been paying attention last few years
poll shows increasing number of voters blame founding fathers for starting america
600-pound butter cow sculpture wins iowa caucus
small town's ufo scare revealed to be alien hoax (season 1: ep 8 on ifc)
president trump begins the first phase of his re-election campaign spending time in orlando florida this week. in order to mark this year’s juneteenth celebration, the president decided to wear black face.
seems unnecessary: the ‘our story’ section on this family-owned vegan snack company’s chip bags includes an anecdote about a fatal hit-and-run they did in 1998
we, the employees of clickhole.com, have voted unanimously to debase ourselves in the most humiliating ways possible to please the billionaires who could destroy our website on a whim
presidential fitness test now awarded to any kid who can eat without sweating
woman smothered in shit by homeless man leaving la restaurant.
students thankful standardized curriculum sparing them from free-spirited teacher's antics
my ex gone... this slut smashed my heart, i load her photo in my bank, please spread all over the internet id: tilant
woman devises latest delusional scheme for burning extra calories during workday
favorite stick brought inside
conservation nightmare: rhinos have become even more attractive to poachers after evolving skin made of rare mint-condition baseball cards
three boomers feared dead in jenga collapse
study finds average american inadvertently eats equivalent of 8 pieces of fruit per year
nation baffled by childless woman who doesn't even have high-powered career
isis adds few violent white supremacists in bid to get u.s. to rescind terrorist designation
life: innovation win: meet the brilliant young yoo-hoo executive who had the idea to just keep making yoo-hoo
candidate profile: donald trump
senate wins fight to lower allowable amperage levels on detainees' testicles
assisted living center widower has eye on cute, hunched-forward little number
life: true hero: this lawyer will work pro bono for anyone suing the snow globe industry
pope francis working out at vatican gym wearing 'sex abuse summit 2019' t-shirt
cardinal law canonized following miracle of escaping criminal prosecution
none of mom's clothes can be cleaned using washing machine
friend asks if there any openings at job he constantly mocks
a rare serious article this morning to go with the other serious one
60-year-old hippie pitied by 40-year-old punk
kids are pussies
jogger horrified by discovery of own gruesome body
nation’s drunk strangers announce plans to agree with anything one another says
apple releases brief, fleeting moment of excitement
origin of a billionaire: jeff bezos just revealed he got the idea for amazon after watching a robot give a man a box of condoms
mcdonald's birthday party to be happiest time in child's life
struggling used bookstore has tried everything but organizing books by genre and author
takeout burrito shielded from cold as though it were week-old newborn
lucky to be alive: harrison ford had to be rescue... | clickhole
news: good on them: the black eyed peas have announced that they no longer want to get retarded
mta officials assure new yorkers that today's subway will run just as fucked up as normal
disaster imminent: this kid on a road trip has a full bladder and just got to the funniest part of ‘nacho libre’
pope francis packs swimming vestments just in case there pool at hotel
god shuts down andromeda galaxy
united nations to try turning america off and on again | fm news
top of mt. everest pulling away majority of hollywood films with generous tax credit program
the onion reviews 'spider-man: homecoming'
life: double standard? president trump is catching heat for leaving the white house every weekend but president obama hasn’t been there in 8 weeks
caller enters remote backwaters of 1-800 automated messaging system
quiz: how many of these ways have you described the haircut you wanted to your barber?
iranian nuclear scientists hurriedly flush 200 pounds of enriched uranium down toilet during surprise u.n. inspection
poll finds 2018 midterms resting on critical swing group of people who showed up looking for community center pottery class
kiddie pool falls into disrepair
‘c’mon, c’mon,’ says matt damon desperately searching for own name on list of imdb user dolphinsoul60’s top 100 actors
greece demands iran pay 800 billion euros in reparations from greco-persian wars
breaking: some bullshit happening somewhere
moviegoer can already see where commercials will go
mafia breaks off diplomatic relations with cia
mail for former resident looks important
paul manafort starts new job lobbying prison guards on behalf of aryan brotherhood
fran drescher cinched up another notch
j.f.k. high cougars to go, fight, win
'i don't fit into any of corporate america's little boxes,' says single, 18-to-36-year-old hispanic female with brand loyalty to tom's, chobani
trump boys forge father’s signature on letters they wrote excusing them from any more testifying
hair weave shaved off
't. rex may be smaller than previously thought,' report 50-foot-tall researchers
oh wait, area man not paul
former wwe wrestler found alive at 44
investigation of what fell off nightstand postponed until morning
twitter announces there no trending topics today
roommate protective services rescues helpless 22-year-old from squalid apartment
tips for looking more youthful
mta official too nervous to tell commuters waiting for train that service shut down permanently an hour ago
man already has whole sentence lined up for later in conversation
timeline of the american education system
report: majority of ufo abductions committed by alien that person knows
state of the union preceded by memoriam reel of americans lost in past year
older cafeteria monitor not a teacher or parent or anything
poet takes extra 5 minutes to vague up poem
major security crisis: the rooster that’s loose in the white house is no longer afraid of the jack-o’-lantern president trump put outside the oval office to scare it away
patriots horrified after new super bowl rings cause fingers to shrivel up, turn black
nation flattered brand would go to the trouble of selling them a hand-crafted product
report: 93% of drunk drivers get home just fine
company to use internet to waste money, employees' time
life: game changer: linkedin is adding a feature where you can really fucking beg
argument between employees shatters illusion of professionalism traditionally associated with walgreens
body given false hope with first piece of fruit in 9 days
air force one pilot invites excited obama into cockpit
man who keeps keys on carabiner must rappel into office building every morning
new 'baby weinstein' tapes prepare infants for career in entertainment law
greatest genius in cow history killed, eaten
bar scene also tired of area bachelor
zsa zsa or eva gabor dead
area man thinks it's nice they didn't put the prettiest girl scouts on the cookie box
vanilla ice, mc hammer co-sign apartment lease
yankees sign a-rod to 10-year, $420 million front office consultant contract
expert on anteaters wasted entire life studying anteaters
news: yes! when an internet commenter spewed hate speech, this user shut them down by telling about one easy pill that helped them burn fat and gain new muscle in two weeks
lax petsmart background check allows deranged gerbil to slip through the cracks
nation’s sleep experts recommend cutting down on strobe light before bedtime
skittish juniors-department clerk calls security again
life: heartwarming: when chris pratt heard a young fan was dying, he challenged death to a chess match for the kid’s life
news: crisis in france: emmanuel macron’s study abroad program ends in june
what are you guys, in love with glaciers?
senate passes blame by vote of 91-8.
teen makes clever remark during science class
‘new york post’ publishes report exposing alexandria ocasio-cortez’s 9-figure social security number
fbi: 'you know you're desperate when you're asking the american people for help'
life: progress ftw: now that she’s sure her daughter’s tomboy thing was just a phase, this mom is speaking out about how cool she was with it
stephen king stuck at book signing for hours writing personalized novels for line of fans
dinner party conducting full-scale investigation to determine if tip was included
dad delivers state of the union rebuttal directly into television screen
news: done with trump: the nation is begging whatever ultra-elite secret society of powerful men to please go back to just picking the president like it used to
it's so obvious.
british royal family concerned after queen elizabeth ii beheads 7 tourists
panasonic introduces portable 500-disc changer to compete against ipod
each line of mastercard billing statement evokes infuriating vacation memory
nuclear warhead thrilled for chance to finally escape north korea
nature preserve sets up unrealistic expectations with visitor's center full of taxidermied animals
life: 6 ways to finally move on from your ex forever, or at least until he’s ready to date you again, which is hopefully soon
father teaches son how to shave him
hundreds of rowdy starship crews disembark in nyc during intergalactic fleet week
theresa may narrowly manages to survive parliamentary firing squad
teacher frustrated no one in beginner yoga class can focus chakras into energy blast
efficiency win: this new gmail predictive text feature will auto-write passionate replies to ardent love letters from your suitors
2019 vmas full of people you don’t know, you desiccated corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead
magical girlfriend transmutes guilt into precious stones
authorities say dozens of bystanders failed to act as man went about his life
procrastinating catholic 20 rosaries behind
trump denies existence of 2016 russia meeting commemorative merchandise
queen elizabeth hoping she dies before having to knight any djs
blindfolded clinton invites debate coaches to attack her with talking points from all sides
62-year-old with gun only one standing between nation and full-scale government takeover
nfl announces new zero-tolerance policy on videotaped domestic violence | the onion - america's finest news source
lawyers opposing health care law cite kids-with-pre-existing-conditions-can-go-fuck-themselves clause
employees annoyed at having to attend 3-hour-long sexual seduction training
new parenting trend involves just handing children bulleted list of things to accomplish by 30
fema recommends americans always have go-bag packed in case past finally catches up with them
abc producers blasted for controversial selection of underage 'bachelorette'
frederick's of anchorage debuts crotchless long underwear
dnc keynote speaker definitely not keynote speaker only because he's latino
screwball jim nabors goofs up again by marrying man
depressed monkey throwing shit at himself
ecologists urge birds to avert global decline of insects by adopting seed-based diet
clairvoyant vince vaughn accepts movie role before it's offered
news: the saga continues: delta has just released the long-awaited sequel to their in-flight safety card
disturbing fast food truth not exactly a game-changer for impoverished single mom of 3
census finds enough homeless people living in public library to warrant congressional district
13 year old boy diagnosed with incurable puberty
patriothole: cruelty of the left: why is the msm attacking president trump for being close with putin even though it’s really hard for adult men to make new friends?
coworker's girlfriend not as pretty as expected
news anchor wonders where all these great stories come from
report: playstation 5 has already been out in japan for, like, 20 years
blog: it’s sickening to hear a politician like trump condone sexual assault instead of just making it extremely easy to get away with
listerine introduces new mouth styling gel
sorry, drumpf, but your hands are simply too small to ever fit around your massive, girthy penis!
philadelphia goes way overboard on 9/11 security for liberty bell
life: 6 guests who have severely disappointed our expectations to liven up this bbq
how many kardashians can you name before you grow weary of life?
david spade just shot
man does good job getting drunk
nation's sisters issue annual report on dealing with dad
a reminder of (and link to) all of clickhole's captn crunch content. you're welcome in advance.
space under boardroom table a complex web of feet massaging various genitals
spouse under fire for telling anecdote wrong
plows working around clock to keep new hampshire roads clear of campaign signs
nine-hundred-pound man left to die
petting zoo all goats
features of the new apple watch | the onion
biden winks after offering to buy eggnog for white house christmas party
jcpenney abandons 45-second sale
phone lifted up by headphone cord like prize fish
man who hasn't moved in six hours repeatedly welcomed back by tv
looking for gandhi picture with quote about social media. i think i saw it on clickhole or onion.
it's only right!
kid coming from p.e. spends entire math class absolutely drenched in sweat
nation to be sterilized from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. this friday
man realizes he shouldn't have told girl on phone he was taking dump
news: major setback: the u.s. removed 5 swimmers from its olympic team who were running in a pool area
lottery ticket holder has already spent $900 million in anticipation of winning big prize
dude with knit hat at party calls beer ‘libations’
groundbreaking young adult novel features protagonist who's a bit of a loner
jawa appointed secretary of transportation
netflix introduces new ‘browse endlessly’ plan [video]
news: sending a message: j.c. penney has agreed to stop selling mike pence’s line of jockstraps that shock you whenever you think about a naked island woman
grisly remains of 15 hobbits discovered in peter jackson’s attic
woodpecker having difficulty remembering tree where he got the really good bugs that one time
control of anecdote wrested from boyfriend
how art classes and finding out she wasn’t actually dead helped me get over my mother’s death
world's luminaries crowd around 'time' 100 list posted on editor's door
man in solitary confinement can't break with reality fast enough
aoc scam! alexandria ocasio-cortez claims to be poor, but this painting clearly shows her wearing an expensive pearl earring
news: could go either way: this town doesn’t know whether it’s okay to tear down its confederate statue because it’s of a soldier with a cleft palate
bearded, keffiyeh-clad jared kushner avoids conflict of interest by joining saudi royal family
justice at last! when this girl was cyberbullied by a classmate, the internet came together and got her bully to commit suicide!
new royal caribbean cruise just 12-day buffet on floor of empty dockside warehouse
life: inventing the future: the new macbook shoots a blast of hot wind into your face to keep moths away from your eyes
god doubts he could still create world in just 7 days anymore | video | the onion
local child has run-of-the-mill imagination
jay-z pledges to make sure colin kaepernick gets contract at nfl stadium shop
report: advertisers threatening to pull money now the only remaining way to effect any change
cockatiel can't take a punch
technology unfortunately allows distant friends to reconnect
everything reminds man of 'her'
nyc mayor: ‘reconcile yourselves with your god, for all will perish in the tempest’
the onion humbly offers up its offices to imprison the women who have wrongfully accused donald trump
bill cosby offers to sit down with us and explain the allegations against him over a glass of wine | the onion - america's finest news source
who eliminates blindness-causing trachoma in seven countries
report: san francisco to shut doors over rising rent
gerber recalls 60,000 jars of baby poison
mom wants to know if you'll be free if she visits 14 months from now
new ups extended-tracking numbers give customers updates on delivery driver’s location for years after package drop-off
album that has nothing on fleetwood mac's 'rumours' wins grammy award
jay inslee smashes through wall of town hall in solar-powered mech suit to announce climate change plan
this man lost his entire memory. can you explain to him what leather is?
follow-up tests confirm president trump’s 19 other personalities also perfectly healthy
kids in bus accident mocked by kids in passing bus
obama issues presidential pardon to get biden out of jail for third time this year
wrapped, labeled christmas presents already stacked in grandmother's spare bedroom
something apparently going on with mom and her best friend
slug just taking it easy today
7 ways technology has permanently changed first dates
kasich trying to find other states where he is beloved multi-term governor
scientists discover 6,000-year-old stain
fantasy baseball team suffers major setback as owner embarks on weeklong honeymoon without internet access
uber offering discounted wages for election day
wave of dread makes rare daytime appearance
extra-slanty italics introduced for extremely important words
rob gronkowski’s wife gets out photo album to prove to him he's met tom brady
billboard seems oddly proud sting will be playing at foxwoods casino
usps unveils new line of commemorative prince-inspired postal workers
russia's power shut off
women: why don't they lose some weight?
inhibitions found in seedy motel room
report: dog’s nose must really itch if he willing to repeatedly kick self in face that hard
little tobacco hit with $3.5 hundred lawsuit
bankrupt toys 'r' us forced to euthanize thousands of hatchimals
oscars attendees cower in awe as disembodied, all-knowing voice proclaims information about nominees
share this video on the fbi’s facebook wall to tell them you’ve been learning witchcraft and there’s nothing they can do about it
after the paris attack. this onion article nicely summed up the problem
area man's life comes to tragic middle
man finally put in charge of struggling feminist movement
ceo has special knack for recognizing great ideas and ruining them
visible panty line discussed like it's cancer
man has pretty good idea which friend going to give up on dream first
senator from troubled home state repeatedly acting out in congress
responsible man sets aside small portion of every paycheck for bank to gamble with
christie's auctioneer throws in sketch of a horse he did to see if anyone bites
jimmy carter concerned desire for fresh faces in democratic party may hurt his chances in 2020
obama hoping jim lehrer doesn't bring up u.s. economy
nra touts oliver north's expertise at avoiding jail time for colluding with hostile foreign powers
neighbors come together to watch bmw owner struggle in snow | the onion - america's finest news source
deformed freak born without penis
disney rehires director james gunn as part of company-wide push towards embracing pedophilia
bill & melinda gates foundation announces new $17 billion initiative to eradicate all 3rd-world mac users by 2040
area woman not a morning, afternoon, or night person
area man no longer playing up resemblance to kevin spacey
nasa discovers impact crater of meteorite that first brought horses to earth
departing employee not quite important enough for send-off
house democrats forced to move all their things back into disgusting minority locker room
new iowa poll finds majority of democrats would vote for candidate named 'bobby cheeseburger'
nation admits there could be a little less porn
visit to doctor splurged on
poor attendance at intervention a real wake-up call
huckabee sanders cuts loose during correspondents’ dinner with raucous, carefree frown
man unnerved by uncanny alternate universe of restaurant's second location
pet dog almost like disgusting family member
everyone at u.n. watching trump speak can’t believe they used to consider u.s. a superpower
strange, nightmarish incident results in man waking up as giant kafka
nation perplexed by 16-year-old who doesn’t want world to end
cackling julian assange disentigrates into lines of code as authorities attempt to handcuff him
how to join the priesthood
michael jordan mulling return to craps table
study: snapping three times leading way to recall movies, actors
man gets all the way to hospital just to find out wife will be fine
life: life of luxury: elton john’s 6 favorite shark pictures to stare at during long, transcontinental flights
thing with old girlfriend works with new girlfriend
experts warn prosecuting assange creates slippery slope to where we already are
stressed-out cvs back to selling cigarettes after only 3 months
mueller admits a smarter president would've totally found way to stop investigation by now
drug deal goes great
online activists unsure about offensiveness of article, figure they'll destroy author's life just in case
recently divorced 40-year-old struggling to navigate college dating scene
poll shows majority of americans can't blame congress for the shutdown, not with those adorable faces they can't
woman nervously reaches for cell phone as suspicious black man tells her today's soup is minestrone
whole foods transforms another ordinary vegetable into status symbol
area secretary lotions obsessively
news: an alarming finding: new research shows that you lower your life expectancy by 5 years every time you doze off and crash your car through the front window of a taco bell
local man unsure if woman type of lesbian who only dates women
patagonia introduces new high-performance jacket specially designed to protect wearer on walk between front door and car
coke-sponsored rover finds evidence of dasani on mars
new railway line to be built straight up your ass
devastating disappointment: this grandma just joined facebook but weirdly seems to know what she’s doing so it’s not funny in the least
selfless hero: man stranded in desert uses last of his water to wet his expanding dinosaur sponge
child concerned parents might never amount to anything
at&t builds windowless black tower
banjo-wielding matt damon makes last-minute bid for best original song
aides wrestle drill from trump's hands as he tries to remove obama listening device from skull
google unveils new larry page–driven car
dying lion sure doesn't feel as though he's completing some great cosmic circle
dementia patient's family keeps ripping her away from idyllic world of 1950s
three escaping legislators shot from senate guard tower
buzzfeed editors unsure how to spin petraeus story into reason the '90s were great
scientists confirm anti-vaccine sites contain no facts
white house dishwasher tenders resignation
top quotes of 2016
naderite loyalists nuke dam
red hot chili peppers accidentally write song about new hampshire
your horoscopes – week of january 3, 2017
ex-boyfriend just thought he'd check in and throw entire day off
beautiful: this man still feeds his dead wife’s parking meter every morning
26-year-old to see every asshole he ever went to high school with on night before thanksgiving | the onion - america's finest news source
kfc introduces new previously owned 20-piece hot wings
ll cool j struggles to come up with way to brag about being in rollerball
ron paul supporter likes the way paul tells it like it has no chance of being
of course busy bartender doesn't mind taking picture of you and your friends
hard to watch: drake forgot to buy courtside tickets for tonight’s game and is now trying to act like he’s friends with the raptors from the nosebleeds
report: most americans' retirement plans consist of hoping their random junk turns out to be collector's item worth millions
cnn responds to richard spencer comments by apologizing for not getting him to say those things on the show
lost cat, dog on journey die immediately
obama holds camp david summit to ease tensions with coyotes
bad to the bone to be used in film
not a boys’ club anymore: this amazing organization is teaching wealthy women how to hide their assets in shady, untraceable shell companies
man who willingly rented 'wrath of the titans' feels his intelligence has been insulted
christ appears in roman court to contest 2,000-year-old riot charges
hidden valley ranch bombed by balsamic extremists
hypothetical multi-ethnic customer base smiles down from hmo billboard
mad with power: the drama teacher is making everybody come in on a saturday to paint a shitty looking wall that says ‘store’ for the ‘hello, dolly!’ backdrop
bitchy girlfriend just asking for anne hathaway to swoop in, steal man away
breathalyzer big hit at cop party
grandmother talking big game about being alive next year
make america 'bate again
saudi executioner thinks he pulled something in shoulder during last 10 decapitations
study finds average american gets most physical exertion waving cell phone around to get signal
life: 6 genius wagon-maintenance hacks that will save you a trip to the wainwright
top 5 upcycling ideas
military recruiter doesn't have to dig too far into bag of tricks to land this one
sweat-stain-dating technology unlocks age of assistant managers
travel mug regales other mugs with stories from road
new ultra-realistic xbox game has users press b repeatedly to make character breathe
area man has no idea how he got on hamas e-mail list
government report on illiteracy copied straight from encyclopedia
man wishes women in crowded bar would let him read jane austen novel in peace
woman getting stood up on first date got all drunk for nothing
customer who declined initial offer of assistance from floor salesman comes crawling back
alabama begins offering tax credit to attract more youtube fail compilations to be filmed in state
million robot march attended by exactly 1,000,000 robots
family impressed by extra effort father putting in to hide drinking
third-grader watching another year of back to school commercials suddenly realizes he’ll die one day
dalai lama swears he recognizes guy at party from past life
dad's previously unheard-of friend dies
life: trolling master class: some genius prankster uploaded a photo of helicobacter pylori bacteria to the wikipedia page for burkholderia cenocepacia
man with backed-up shower drain enjoys luxurious foot soak
sources: petraeus knew about affair for more than a year
night of uninterrupted deep sleep really throws man’s day off
police seek suspect in series of random later hostings
news: master diplomat: pundits have noted similarities between trump’s n. korea statements and jfk’s iconic ‘prepare to be radioactive skeletons, motherfuckers’ speech that de-escalated the cuban missile crisis
bored kim jong-un stacks entire north korean populace into human pyramid to kill time
share this video on olive garden's wall demanding that they give robert mueller free pasta for life in recognition of his heroic defense of democracy
clinton takes stand against harmful uv radiation
'leaking sure is cool, huh, guys?' says disguised john kelly to white house aides
scientists developing marijuana breathalyzer to catch stoned drivers | the onion
7 chic and easy hairstyles for the hair you found
mauled shop
london opening ceremonies end with traditional lighting of olympic stadium
lions, zebras, giraffes run off cliff shrieking en masse as shadow of melania trump's jet passes over savanna
saudis tout hundreds of yemeni lives saved by spending so much time focused on killing khashoggi
tai chi practitioner really slowly dislocates knee
life: this stork is very ugly, but it seems sick so let’s go wild for it before it dies
decorative throw pillow positively aching for a quick plump
brian boitano sobs quietly in dark
disappointing: the fake activity invented to cover up this surprise party sounded way more fun
magazine says you have sex and the city fever
date invites woman upstairs to check out red flags
trump says wasteful nea hasn't produced single valuable work since claes oldenburg's 'giant three-way plug'
point/counterpoint: oh, are the pc police here to arrest me for havin’ opinions? vs. sir, we are the regular police and you need to come out of that slide
teen on brink of experiencing incredible journey of motherhood instead asks boyfriend to use condom
dot declares pothole too perfect to fill
embarrassed brett kavanaugh can’t believe he wore handmaid costume on same day as protesters
woman knew ever since age 40 she didn't want children
romney makes desperate, last-ditch bid for presidency
turkish restaurant thrown into complete disarray by entry of single customer
data-entry clerk reapplies carmex at 17-minute intervals
study: average person's life plan can only withstand 25 seconds of direct questioning
satan refuses to accept any more catholic priests in hell
wondrous world of fishes last checked out 4/17/67
woman hopes husband doesn't notice she lost wedding ring finger over weekend
he’s running: joe biden just made a pinterest board called ‘president style ideas’
ominous darkness descending on webpage portends grim age of autoplaying ad to come
corporate indifference: the mcdonald’s training manual tells employees to rob a different mcdonald’s on the way home to earn enough to support themselves
news: tragic negligence: all of the animals in the san diego zoo have died after the zoo left them in a hot car
rolex unveils new diving cuckoo clock capable of working up to 3,000 meters underwater
new heavy-duty voting machine allows americans to take out frustration on it before casting ballot
junior-high-school badminton unit inspires 948 'shuttlecock' jokes
trump warns china not to underestimate his willingness to sacrifice every american’s well-being
weird porno stops at kissing
lowe's introduces 2-way ladder user can also climb down
freshness escaping from bag of peas
man unable to explain contempt he feels for group of people enjoying one another's company
victoria's secret releases sexy black lace sleep apnea mask
white couple admires fall colors
architects of 2026 market crash just finished a highly productive lunch
7 classic ’90s toys that weren’t fun anymore after 9/11
5 questions: ‘i did house of cards to pay netflix back for that anaconda dvd that i lost’: 5 questions with kevin spacey
authorities theorize santa anita race track deaths could be work of horse serial killer
zambia tired of being mentioned in 'news of the weird' section
what's-his-face fires publicist
bob iger offers rupert murdoch one night with mickey mouse in exchange for 21st century fox
area grandparents still have no idea what grandson does for a living
3822 voted america's favorite pin number
that guy from that one show not looking so hot
vatican putting out feelers for how public would react to another children's crusade
conspiracy theorist starting to think racism may be institutionalized in america
patriots rejoice! donald trump has appointed professor rat as the u.s. secretary of fireworks
parents fighting about who's unhappier
joe wilson getting bored with no-longer-covert wife
john bolton: 'an attack on two saudi oil tankers is an attack on all americans'
breaking: some bullshit happening somewhere. old but still awesome.
awful man offers witty, acerbic take on everything he sees
each passenger has own theory about how guy got into first class
gaunt, weathered john kerry leads prisoner uprising in siberian labor camp
[prophetic] 17 jan 2001: "bush: 'our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over'"
financial advisor recommends keeping one bullet in chamber just in case
military recruiter upset area man hasn't called him back
romney, ryan sneak into dnc while posing as caterers
dude with knit hat at party calls beer 'libations'
woman who shrugged out of boss's shoulder rub taking no shit today
usda just doing quick smell tests to inspect all the backlogged meat that piled up during shutdown
moments leading up to romney's concession most likely hilarious
mark judge can’t believe that fucking lightweight kavanaugh got ‘boofing’ and ‘the devil’s triangle’ wrong
viewing ads on website sole way in which man contributing to economy
concerned nation gently encourages boston to take it easy this st. patrick’s day
veteran kind of surprised killing all those people didn't give him even a little ptsd
disgusted supreme court can't believe it has to rule having sex with american flag protected under first amendment
proposed law would require mothers to look at pictures of congressmen she disappointing before having abortion
the nra is claiming that the tennessee waffle house shooting would not have happened if an armed teacher had been teaching a math class there
"your father died peacefully in his sleep"™ assures hospice nurse who spent past 6 months watching man wither away in agony
the onion looks back at 'the wizard of oz'
area senior up for some boggle
bobby jindal not sure he willing to put family through 2-month presidential campaign
nasa has announced there will be an ultra-rare spalding eclipse next week where the sun passes directly behind the basketball wedged in the tree outside this boy’s window
study finds humans evolved fingers to stop dropping stuff
mike pence condemns female senators for wantonly sharing senate floor with male colleagues after dark
experts say earliest warning signs of mental health issues usually crossing eyes while dribbling finger on lips, saying ‘cuckoo, cuckoo’
inconsolable sarah palin opens up about sacha baron cohen betrayal to cardboard cutout of whoopi goldberg
blog: the problem with ‘the flash’: why doesn’t flash have bugs splattered on his face after every time he runs really fast?
remember the good old days?
tips for presenting your best self in court
area mom was waiting in the car for 20 minutes
voices: learn our language or get the hell out!
krill-eating whale too fucking cowardly to prey on something its own size
doug jones thanks child bride during victory speech
dukes of hazzard sharply declines in kitsch value
menu describes diner's pancakes as 'world famous'
finally! revlon has released a tiny curling iron for that one extremely dark hair growing alone on a random and otherwise bare part of your body!
new ‘call of duty’ praised for depicting grim, harrowing fun that can be had while killing civilians
r. kelly fan trying to separate image of beloved ’90s abuser from reviled ’10s abuser
sky climaxes after being penetrated by prince’s spirit
nation shudders to think how bad things would seem if they didn’t have access to a never-ending torrent of free pornography
family not appreciably enriched by trip to mount rushmore
papa john's removes n-word from menus
second nintendo controller sits unused
agent asks failing actor if he's considered becoming alt-right commentator
friends, family waiting for current bout of man's depression to subside before really laying into him
secretary of transportation worried he's not living up to legacy of claude s. brinegar
congressional candidate forced to explain controversial 1971 'fuck everything' remark
fbi counterterrorists launch media campaign downplaying symbolic value of golden gate bridge
when area waitress gets a chance
recount reveals nader defeated
alcoholic father granted posthumous sainthood by catholic family
man reading pynchon on bus takes pains to make cover visible
archaeologists uncover greek amphitheater where first prick saved seats
colleges send out reminder to graduates that 2008 degrees about to expire
north carolina residents terrified after hearing state passed new law
papal apartments found filled with old newspapers, empty pill bottles, mangy cats
georgia teen sentenced to life in prison after killing sister over wi-fi password
college graduate first person in family to waste $160,000
cleveland indians worried team cursed after building franchise on old native american stereotype
man sleeps through his stop on elevator
5 things to watch for at the academy awards
prince harry engaged to woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old idahoan graphic designer jennie hoffman does
internal affairs investigator disappointed conspiracy doesn't go all the way to the top
onion studios
child disciplined for wasting yarn
new documentary reveals seaworld forced orca whales to perform nude
devotees visit ihop to get foreheads marked with syrup cross on national pancake day
not fooling anyone: this man clearly used to be a pizza hut
elite congressman trained to kill legislation in 24 different ways
i refuse to circumcise my son because it keeps growing back
north korea releases new paintings of healthy kim jong il
don’t click! snakes!
report: christ, someone actually brought their kid to this
new 'avengers' fan theory suggests key to beating thanos could be nothing because he not real and none of this exists
‘time’ magazine subscribers brace for inevitable issue with close-up of ted cruz’s face
last living tamagotchi dies in captivity
archaeologists unearth ivory trumpet dating back to prehistoric jazz age
trash bag taped over broken southwest plane window
australia invests $377 million to protect great barrier reef
mom thought nfl's first openly gay player should have been drafted earlier
k-pop group bts excited for first american tour since 1963 appearance on ‘ed sullivan’
paul ryan quickly runs tweet about texas shooting past wayne lapierre before posting
jared kushner relieved he can finally stop anonymously buying all items ever sold from wife's clothing line
nba commentators confirm steve kerr not enough of an insufferable prick to be considered all-time great coach
grandparents' cabinets contain brand of cookies previously unknown to humankind
burger king releases meatless ‘impossible whopper’
new heart device allows cheney to experience love
life: here they are! it’s the spring 2017 rundown of teens whose parents let them drink wine at dinner!
fred durst spray paints 'limp bizkit' on bridge
if i could be just completely honest for a second, i believe exactly what you believe
study: fat shaming doesn’t help obese people lose weight
family fears grandmother aware of her surroundings
contact paper beautifies drawer interior
mousy brunette removes glasses, becomes sizzling sexpot
remington debuts new split barrel murder-suicide shotgun
retiree gearing up for errands with lady friend
‘etienne is no man’s fool’: etienne is going completely apeshit on this bakery’s cashier for trying to charge him $4.50 for a bear claw
bush's eyelid accidentally nailed to wall
trail of lawn-mower assassin still fresh
every book on area woman's shelves somehow related to coping
area dad just wants to watch one 7-hour block of television without interruption - the onion - america's finest news source
david brooks decries incivility of modern plumbing after tripping on feet and falling headfirst into toilet
leno's voicemail message pauses for laughter
fed up: seaworld just went off about how everyone wants seaworld to get rid of orcas but no one’s coming to take the orcas off their hands
aspiring felon moved by man who didn’t get first 8 convictions until his 60s
john glenn dead at 95
three of man's closest relationships with brands
ice agent can’t believe he being reprimanded for child who died all those months ago
report: peyton manning lacks strength to complete longer commercial takes
deep down, area man knows he’s not done vomiting | the onion - america's finest news source
loud squawking crow forces faa to ground all flights indefinitely
report: every potential 2040 president already unelectable due to facebook
parched trump takes quick sip from pudding cup between talking points
nation would not be surprised at this point if chris brown allegedly traveled back in time and punched anne frank
putin starts off morning by sitting down to write the day's news
woman fulfills manifest destiny of hardwood floor throughout home
senate republicans seek to delay kavanaugh vote until accuser properly smeared
california to allow prisoners to serve sentences online
nation's uncles enter last stage of prep for thursday's thanksgiving debates
completely unfair that man ended up on sex offender registry just for public urination on a child
how i made 12 365 in 26 days without spending a dime? 3to_d2_b_sa
comey warns democrats that having leftist politics gets you on the fbi watchlist
jerky boys accidentally prank-call last remaining fan
apparently werewolf was allergic to peanuts
7 nonexistent traits to look for in your next boyfriend
netflix gently reminds 'arrested development' fans that new episodes of the show won't actually solve world's problems
furiously barking dog spends another day trying to warn nation about child trapped in cage
family has strict no smartphone rule while eating dinner in front of tv
'secretary clinton is a different person than donald trump,' says bernie sanders in ringing endorsement
michelle obama renovates van buren workout room
richard grieco's star power inadvertently donated to goodwill
michael jeffreyton wishes screenwriter had given him more believable name
disgusting, unusable shopping cart has single sprig of parsley in it
fed-up brookstone body-massage chair now only entertaining serious buyers
stock value of billions of otherwise worthless data, photos, videos, opinions plummets
we need better sign variety.
report: middle class running dangerously low on things to be squeezed out of
man panics after reaching age where parents prematurely started family
lebron james crestfallen after learning l.a. doesn’t have any rock and roll museums
mother of mma fighter recalls son punching, kicking shit out of everything from early age
ryan lochte now changing account of events going back years before robbery
entitled burger king employee wants $15 an hour just for dealing with worst of america every day
5 signs that the werewolf you turn into during a full moon is a total neat freak
oxford english dictionary to add 'skype' and 'coat' to latest edition
incredible: soldier surprises his family by returning to afghanistan during his son’s football game
kerry's face droops with joy over latest polls
'lost' possibly still airing in parallel dimension, desperate fans report
new pepsi negative-220 burns twice the calories it contains
heartwarming: this dog spends hours each day sitting at the grave where its owner is buried alive
report: all the good stuff costs, like, 200 bucks
new hellmann’s theme park to feature world’s longest lazy mayo river
mentally unbalanced man still waiting for the right trump comment to incite him
completely out-of-control cell phone nearly vibrates itself off table
blender left on to keep cat company
sun pacific unveils new ‘hotties’ variety of voluptuous, shapely clementines
biologists announce they're all done with rodents
we asked 8 actors to tell us what kind of batman they’d be
adorable puppy nets owner handjob
rain-soaked robert mueller lets manafort surf one final monster wave before bringing him in
snl audience moved to tears by soulful, end-of-episode piano music
media suffering through record normal temperatures
american idol winner already complaining about pressures of fame
sharon stone auctioned off to german conglomerate
nikki haley resigns to accept consulting role with afghan warlord
man spends long day at work waiting to go home and be lonely
shamefaced man stands stock-still as acquaintance zips up backpack for him
kevin hart just going to assume he’s in ‘space jam 2’ unless he hears otherwise
jonesing nation demands trump tell them where, exactly, drugs are pouring into country
white-hot gop race down to two mentally ill people, person who lost nomination last time
'game of thrones' fans annoyed by obvious product placement for valyrian steel
transportation ftw: splash mountain is getting a bike lane
new evidence confirms first human ancestors climbed down from trees to retrieve dropped snack
starship crew heroically saves screen
most glorious flames of 2015
naacp demands less minority representation on upn
women in hollywood perfectly okay they not represented behind the scenes of 'the blacklist'
gallup poll: rural whites prefer ahmadinejad to obama
al gore gets to third
dennis hastert fights to locate, save neck
wells fargo computer glitch accidentally forecloses on all 5,700 branches
sex scandal sinks klemke reelection bid
dad shares photo album through never-before-seen website
man wishes computer could do thing it already can do
david blaine stunt to push public's endurance to limit
this great song, bar sources report
thousands of rats tumble about uncontrollably inside snoopy balloon high above thanksgiving day parade
trump inspires thousands of kids to believe they could one day grow up to be president of confederacy
candidate profile: rick santorum
wow, dad really went from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer
life: making a difference: meet the man who is working to reform prisons so they’re nicer when he finally murders his boss
gop establishment relieved after conventionally abhorrent beliefs make way onto presidential ticket
doctor makes half-hearted alternative suggestions before handing over drugs
area stand-up comedian questions the deal with drive-thru windows
kim jong-un comes out in support of gay marriage: 'i'm not a monster'
'phantom thread' wins academy award for best film you liked but probably wouldn't see again
papa john’s add ‘poison pill’ provision to prevent founder from returning
annoying guy in movie theater constantly screaming 'get out of there, you idiot' at bradley cooper's character in 'a star is born'
the splendor of nature: man sets up easel by lake to paint goth fred flintstone
life: ultimate redemption: this former holocaust denier who claimed that only 1,000 jews died in the holocaust is making up for it by saying that 30 trillion jews died in the holocaust
gallant man extremely concerned about drunk woman's welfare
desperate starbucks now pleading for people to masturbate, use drugs in its restrooms
proactive man removes own teeth in attempt to curb nail-biting habit
kitchenaid unveils spring-loaded toaster that allows rad high schoolers to grab breakfast in midair while leaving house
jostens unveils new engagement rings for pregnant high-schoolers
romney: 'we should never apologize for american values or japanese internment camps'
children's hospital charity dependent on teri hatcher's knowledge of british parliament
vacationing bush accepts republican nomination via live satellite feed
woody allen explains why he’s such a good father to his wife
report: 55% of nation's granite now engraved with names of victims
cowardly michael cohen chooses to betray president, go to prison rather meet face-to-face with ‘the onion’
soldier hoping we invade someplace tropical next
row of asterisks spices up otherwise ordinary e-mail
new magnet school opens for students with interest in receiving competent education
kavanaugh impressed by hazing rituals before they let you join supreme court
/r/theonion hits 10k subscribers
parents seize creative control of 3rd-grade art project
desperate mom okays male babysitter
ted cruz asks central park hansom cab driver how much it costs to whip horse for an hour
modern-day lancelot offers to pay for abortion
paul ryan sitting among undecided voters at town hall debate
6 things ‘titanic’ got wrong about letting a poor person draw you naked
guard in video game under strict orders to repeatedly pace same stretch of hallway
fbi shuts down prominent new isis recruitment website
my year volunteering as a teacher helped educate a new generation of underprivileged kids vs. can we please, just once, have a real teacher
kim jong il announces plan to bring moon to north korea
new arrivals consult wise couple who have been at resort for 3 days already
frontier airlines tells customers to just fucking deal with it
top snake handler leaves sinking huckabee campaign
poll: support for afghanistan war up among americans who love horrible situations
area nephew a very funny young man
tsa guy circling stuff on boarding pass with reckless abandon
school administration reminds female students bulletproof vests must cover midriff
inflatable chair's novelty wears off
i’m proud of president trump for replacing the un-american practice of family separation with the profoundly american practice of mass incarceration (by mitch mcconnell)
nasa now almost positive mars is rocky
news: kind of a wash for science: bill nye the science guy completely shut down a climate change denier but then talked for an hour about how people who are killed by ogres automatically get into heaven
overworked prosecutor thinking of taking police brutality case as a little vacation
text history with mom a succinct chronology of relatives' hospital visits
new don blankenship campaign ad touts jobs created in wake of upper big branch mining disaster
nation's gay straw men march on washington for right to marry animals
coworkers each putting in herculean effort to sustain conversation for entire commute
timothée chalamet donates 30,000 smoldering looks to time's up fund in wake of woody allen controversy
ayman al-zawahiri delivers tedtalk on changing face of terrorism
tony blair apparently not british prime minister anymore
pop culture site powering through 4 weeks of sponsored posts for movie its film critic called 'contemptible trash'
report: leading cause of death still venturing beyond the pines
kavanaugh: 'i am not denying that ford was sexually assaulted in some alternate dimension, plane of existence'
fans beg aerosmith to go back on drugs
deal alert: your parents have promised to buy you ‘let’s go pikachu’ if you can make it through rosh hashanah this year without biting anyone
life: 7 reasons to quit your job and travel the world, maybe at some point swinging through indonesia to help me climb out of this quarry
romney's acceptance speech to avoid mentioning personal, professional, religious, political life
250-pound man sadly in best shape of his life
news: cartographers, rejoice! rising ocean levels are on track to turn australia into an easy-to-draw rhombus
report: only .00003% of things that happen actually matter
trump apologizes for impeachment comment after learning disturbing history of 1918 lynching of german american immigrant robert prager
nasa completely forgot probe was returning today
homemade dna test proves trump boys are at least one jar blood
thai dish apparently costs 3 peppers
scientists warn all plant life dying within 30-yard radius of ted cruz campaign signs
kinky couple has mirror in bathroom
rick gates fondly recalls manafort finding him as hapless street urchin and teaching him how to pickpocket
poll: majority of americans ready to give up on u.s. if someone else goes first
man pretty sure he slept
woman only willing to learn new things in settings called boot camp
life: top the pecking order: 5 ways to establish yourself as the alpha customer when fueling up at the gas station
polar bear cub just knows he's going to be last of species
the onion predicts events at a college party 5 years later. link to the event here, onion video in comments.
large dependent film tops weekend box office
local dad gets this show on the road
mcdonald's introduces new 6-piece chicken ncnoltes
romney takes in more money than obama for 612th consecutive month
new bill would limit abortion to cases where procedure necessary to save promising political career
ex-con still hanging out with hallucinatory voices that got him in trouble in first place
'it's a privilege to have worked with such talented people,' says coworker getting the fuck out of there
so apparently there is something called a salmon and it’s freaking adorable
shadow of intrigue surrounds local news station's satellite truck
ups reports troubling drop in residents answering doors in lingerie
we can determine which state you’re from just from the way you answer this one simple question
jesus surprises 700 club with walk-on appearance
afghan warlord not sure which side he feels like helping today
epa rolls back emissions standards to increase consumer choice over type of apocalyptic hellscape earth will become
obama: 'help us destroy jesus and start a new age of liberal darkness'
life: fighting gentrification: this white family refuses to live in any neighborhood that isn’t 100% white
4 times paul and ringo excitedly called a meeting to reunite the beatles before remembering that john and george are dead
the onion reviews ‘star wars: the force awakens’
report: someone robbed that kfc again
probably the best acting i've ever seen from any of the onion's interviewees.
8-year-old allowed to stay up late to watch johnny carson's funeral
life: year in review: mom’s quietest coughs of 2017
colonoscopy offers non-fantastic voyage through human body
adjusting several sliders on recording studio's mixing console pays off big time
michael jackson hires magical anthropomorphic giraffe as defense lawyer
white house ficus to leave for virginia arboretum after declining trump's offer to be chief of staff
man with dream to open liquor store achieves dream
nurse reminds elderly man she's just down the hall if he starts to die
guinea pig returned for store credit
caricaturist's self-portrait extremely forgiving
area man participates in 21st-century cashless economy
area man now checks inside boat in driveway every morning
quiz: how many of these wonderful gun memories do you have?
bar patrons dismayed by sight of band setting up
northern irish, serbs, hutus granted homeland in west bank
paroled prisoner excited to hear the '80s are back
activists release horrifying video showing how meat products are eaten
onion explains: the totalitarian state of north korea
life: trip down memory lane: after 40 years this surgeon finally retrieved the time capsule he sewed inside his first patient
nxivm leader struggling to recall exact moment sexual slavery, forced branding turned into something darker
chicago st. patrick’s day parade finally lifts ban on snakes
meghan markle's college friends stuck at table with sickly habsburg cousins
picture of iphone used as iphone wallpaper
creepy late-night mortgage ad gives insight into true state of economy
bartender hurt by unfinished drink
news: vigilante justice fail: reddit just mistakenly identified this 21-year-old muslim college student as hurricane irma
area couple not sure if sex was tantric
most infamous cults in history
trump tells iowa dairy farmers he has cows 500 times bigger than theirs
area man absolutely determined to use wheelbarrow this weekend
judge pumps self up before verdict by listening to andrew w.k.
world gets first-ever look inside greenspan fantasy ranch
such assholes: the 7 wisecracking fetuses who live in my microwave, whom i hate
trump complains entire personality rigged against him
terri schiavo's corpse blown away by hurricane
according to bar love-tester, inebriated patron okay to drive
field museum officials announce long-awaited pregnancy of prized t-rex
heartwarming: this awesome charity pairs old hags with naughty children who’d taste delicious in a stew
saving time: opi is now selling gallon buckets of nail polish for people who can’t paint their nails for shit and might as well just dunk their whole hands in there and get it over with
employee executes daring 3:30 p.m. escape from office
man confused by compliment from person whose career he can't help
fugitive movie heroine cuts own hair perfectly
49-year-old nearly back to pre-middle-school confidence levels
life: life hack: how to make sure all of your daughter’s friends know you’re a fiscal conservative
'game of thrones' showrunners disappointed with how quality of fans has dropped off over past couple seasons
blog: as a woman, watching ‘wonder woman’ served as a beautiful reminder that i could probably kill someone with a sword
embarrassed snake can't believe documentary crew caught it whiffing while lunging at toad
trump surrogate enjoying thrill of not knowing what she going to be defending minute to minute
warren buffett can’t believe he has to live next to powerball winner
that guy from that one show attempting comeback
teary-eyed student loan officers proudly watch as $200,000 asset graduates from college
ecstatic pope francis finally lands role as mary in st. peter's christmas pageant
nsa scrambling to reestablish whereabouts of man who covered laptop camera with tape
new historical evidence suggests most pilgrims sailed back home to celebrate first thanksgiving
john kerry jettisons russian henchmen from international space station airlock
postal service unveils new line of stamps honoring americans who still use postal service
new porno worth checking out even for people who aren't familiar with 5 guys jerking off on single pair of tits
alien world to help out syria since this one refuses to [2012]
nephew surprised by how much bigger aunt has gotten since last year
paramount home video pleased to bring man feature presentation
revelations from trump’s financial documents
pete townshend can't explain
firefighter excitedly checks drop-off bin to see if they got any babies while they were out
area man thinking about getting one of those all-body scans
cnn investigating reports of wolf blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct
goodbye tinder: facebook’s new dating app finally allows you to romantically connect with your dad’s friend who likes all your posts even though you’ve never met him
video: f minus! teachers share their worst classroom disaster stories
ho! ho! ho! i am god
life: hard to watch: this kid at camp is trying out swearing for the first time, and everyone can tell he’s way overdoing it
man's body running out of ideas to convince him he full
man brings lunch from home to cut down on small joys
number of songs gop candidates can use down to 4
obama: iraq airstrikes not slippery slope to other humanitarian interventions
civil war historians posit 'you had to be there' theory
new texas legislation would require whiskey bottles to be shot out of air immediately after being emptied
area man to run naked through streets tonight no matter who wins election
third knocked-over glass of water makes man want to give up
mom still raving about butternut squash ravioli she tried 13 years ago
poll: 80% of americans would get in vehicle with stranger for chance at new life
study: more couples delaying divorce until kids old enough to remember every painful detail
scientists claim solar energy will be capable of powering 95% of scorchlands outposts by 2085
‘i have four young children,’ says kellyanne conway in most disturbing public statement to date
governor pardons self for living
foster home gets new shipment
king ralph fails to become hip retro reference
sculptor criticized for turning women into objects
goth kid builds scary-ass birdhouse
new study finds only 88% of guitar center customers become famous musicians
thousands wait overnight at microsoft stores for second generation zune
christie 2016 comes from nowhere to win republican nomination
furious dianne feinstein demands nsa figure out exactly who didn't endorse her
facebook users ashamed of criticizing company after seeing heartwarming 'here together' ad campaign
dare graduate celebrates first toke
boise homemaker bows toward mecca just to see what it's like
condé nast launches 'the new yorker for black people'
'chapter 1: clark,' reports awful manuscript
no one in family sure who trip to arboretum is geared toward
mark zuckerberg’s net worth plunges not even close to enough
evangelical haggard claims he was molested by republican congressman
busybody fireman ruins suicide attempt
kindergartener's account of day at school passionate, incomprehensible
man with serious mental illness committed to city bus
‘sometimes things have to get worse before they get better,’ says man who accidentally turned shower knob wrong way
nationals admit world series win would be way sweeter if franchise was still in montréal
want sexxy girls? yes yes! here ...eq_65_js_zl87_d
public assured escaped convict has 24 years of rehabilitation under his belt
software indicates missing child likely a prostitute by now
newly engaged couple receives incredible outpouring of insincerity from family, friends
logging industry announces that they just can't fucking get enough of logs
senate bully forces legislators to repeatedly pass 'we are huge homos' bill
area man killed in committee
cory booker tries to relate to rural voters by mangling hand in grain auger
'entourage' fans doubt film adaptation can capture nuances of book
dzhokhar tsarnaev courtside at pacers-heat game
nation begs disaffected youth gravitating toward neo-nazism to get high and play xbox instead
new honda commercial openly says your kids will die in a car crash if you buy a different brand
quiz: have you tried the new way of fucking?
report: women only made up 2.7% of video game bosses last year
pudgy doughboy with rosy red cheeks presses nose up against window of chocolate shop
vacationing couple to try something they don't like
eco-conscious marketing firm developing alternative sources of synergy
do you beliebe 9/11 was an inside job?
clickventure: you lied your way into a job as a surgeon! can you avoid killing anyone long enough to collect your first paycheck?
marine biologists train highly intelligent octopus to profitably manage mid-size aluminum goods supplier
area panties in a bunch
death star to open day care center
zoo orangutan feels he really connected with iowa woman
dnc aiming to reconnect with working-class americans with new ‘hamilton’-inspired lena dunham web series
quaker oats canister relabeled 'drugs' for grade school play
plan to start little stationery store too sad for bank to deny loan
burglar makes sure to crack glass on family portrait
mayor hits on crazy idea of developing city's waterfront, green spaces
how i spent a week without helicopters
this just serves to illustrate science teacher’s point about safety
bigot annoyed local mosque already vandalized before he got there
dea recruits lil wayne to use up all drugs in mexico
bush increasingly focused on how revisionist history will see him
clickventure: get fucked up on gin and build a gazebo for your neighbor
doctors discover purpose of appendix is to contain human soul
family sadly marks first 4/20 without grandmother
congress wishes they could help puerto rico but it's all the way over there
militia leader sentenced to 6 months' probation for war misdemeanors
jason momoa reveals he spent months becoming useless dumbass to get into character for ‘aquaman’
knights organization denies claims that overhunting could lead to extinction of dragons
exciting for them: a team of archaeologists has just uncovered a rock that kind of looks like their friend
report: entire $12 billion farm aid package already blown on really big silo
mind-blowing: this incredible fan theory suggests that mr. bean is a weird and goofy dude
life: awesome: when this 8-year-old girl told j.k. rowling that she liked ‘harry potter,’ the author said ‘yeah, no shit’
reminders of party's costume theme becoming increasingly more threatening
news: massive waste: the 60,000-seat stadium washington, d.c. built to host the james comey hearing cost over $1.4 billion
majority of americans voice support for bernie sanders after learning he’s a millionaire
'it's real easy,' declares it guy about to speak incoherently for next 30 seconds
new 'wondersplint' makes fractures appear larger; fuller
gop announces plan to go after obamacare
gary busey nearly drowns recovering pork chop from swimming pool
wildfires force colorado to airlift rocky mountains to safety
raid recalls entire line of insecticide after realizing food chain would collapse without bugs
trump blames white house air conditioning on obama
area man does his best thinking on his atv
chinese buffet has french fries
life: tinder fail: 7 profile photos of men frowning and pulling out their empty pockets that we are definitely swiping left on
paul hogan admits he's still searching for that one career-defining role
right to own handheld device that shoots deadly metal pellets at high speed worth all of this
chill the fuck out: netflix clarified that all the annoying tweets they see dramatically overpraising one of their shows only makes them want to cancel it
bakery's closing nets man ton of free éclairs
crocodile hunter the same way in bed
mta unveils new designated seating for commuters who look like they're about to snap
world wrestling federation, world wildlife fund reach acronym sharing agreement
disgruntled liberals publishing at furious pace
horrifying planet: an onn nature documentary series
hbo presentation fails to deliver promised 'brief nudity'
we took an israeli child and a palestinian child and put them together in the same room. and we’re going to keep them.
casual christian accepts christ as his lord but not his savior
ea announces new revenue model just deleting everyone’s ‘anthem’ characters unless they send company $300 in next hour
political cartoonist’s wife finds disturbing nude drawings of uncle sam | the onion - america's finest news source
struggling nation sends middle class to go live with canadian government for a while
study: only 4 scenic routes left in country
two-thirds of high- school marching band just pretending to play
report: nation secretly hoping dads die first
popular children's book author reveals the 'spooky truth' about creepy conspiracy theories
supreme court rules in favor of most buck-wild pride parade nation's ever seen
guidebook writer stumbles upon new england town too quaint for human eyes
life: hell yeah: wikipedia is putting everyone’s ‘criminal allegations’ section up top so you can get right to the good shit
disloyal piece of shit: this middle schooler casually switched from playing the clarinet to the alto saxophone, so he’ll almost certainly cheat on his wife someday
nation's underfunded public education system to experiment with shortened 6-day school year
pelicans hr informs zion williamson knee surgery not covered by insurance until 90 days into first season
10 million fans killed off in sopranos season premiere
white supremacists warn idealistic trump some compromise will be necessary to achieve their goals
first 10 minutes of chess game spent explaining replacement pieces
fbi agent's cover blown by own jacket
married couple frustrated after months of unsuccessfully trying to sell a baby
life: this amazing little girl is only 8 years old, but that didn’t stop her from sending so many drawings of vegetables to soldiers overseas that the army had to ask her to stop
fran drescher screeches out for cancer awareness
teens find this one hilarious store
gore begins training for 2004 election in remote mountain cabin
anchor ad-libs news with 97 percent accuracy
fema dispatches crews to do whatever they need to do to look busy
bling-bling pawned
fossilized evidence reveals spazosaurus was largest doofus to ever roam earth | the onion - america's finest news source
complete psychopath meets proper screen time, sleep, exercise guidelines
heartwarming! when this man came out of the closet to his family, they paused ‘norbit’ for an entire 20 seconds to give him a thumbs-up
whole foods announces it balancing out lower prices on most items by jacking cost of pita chips way up
life: being the change: the nfl will donate $1,000 to cte research for every bone-crunching, get-you-up-out-of-your-seat hit in the super bowl
actually, suicide not the easy way out for area quadriplegic
area mofo announces plans to chill
‘seek funding’ step added to scientific method
idaho legislature declares english only language they know
real-life scene filled with product placement
report: 15,000 people vanish from 'fall fest' hayride wagons each year
nation shocked cop facing punishment for murder
life: double tragedy: when this shop teacher lost his house, his students secretly tried to build him a new one, until one of them cut off their hand with the table saw, so now he’s got that weighing on him too
grasshopper dismembered by future supreme court justice
‘no way to prevent this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens.
life: beautiful tribute? this radio station is playing tom petty all day, but that might just be what they do all the time
secret police enforce mourning of deng xiaoping
let us never forget the legendary david “kim” parker
starfucker gives stephen baldwin a hand job
federal officials investigating man posting racist attacks online armed with millions of explosives
mitsubishi from 'the fast and the furious' lands first directorial role
‘what’s our best path to 270?’ gary johnson asks campaign aides packing up office
joe walsh wakes up on stage mid-solo again
study finds most effective method of overcoming procrastination having overseer beat you whenever you stop working
poll finds 78% of americans would vote for liberty bell
drunk guy knows all the lyrics to this song
arlen specter switches affiliation from alive to dead at last minute
$30 million donation from chan-zuckerberg charity to help kids learn to read returned
taco bell warns employees against directly exposing skin to food | the onion
‘this women’s strike won’t accomplish anything,’ reports man who will boycott upcoming ‘avengers’ movie
'expendables 3' cast requests to be paid in steroids, meat
shelling from royal caribbean's m.s. 'allure' sinks carnival cruise vessel that crossed into disputed waters
gatorade releases new performance suppository
man thinks going to vegas for things other than gambling somehow less sad
biden unleashes torrent of vomit on debate stage
coworkers pull off daring one-hour lunch break
exonerated: this convicted murderer was released from prison after 20 years when an online quiz sorted him into gryffindor
vacationing uncle posts terse, emotionless facebook update from cruise ship
oh, jesus: it smells like something got into this list of harry styles pics and died
incredible sacrifice: this mom went without food for days at a time so her children could have a smoking-hot mom
'sir, you stated you wanted to modernize the grinch for today's audience,' says new cnn entertainment reporter jim acosta
blast from the past: this building kind of looks like a gamecube
flesh-eating bacteria wishing it hadn't filled up on foot
tearful anthropologists discover dead ancestor of humans 100,000 years too late
morbidly curious nation wondering how far obama’s appearance will deteriorate in 2 years
obama transformed into 20-foot-tall monster president after being doused with job-growth chemical
historical archives: by many on-lookers and passers-bye, seen to depart out mortal vale in a boothe
roommate skulking around edge of party like victorian ghost child
faa to ban plane crashes
ex-starbucks ceo howard schultz announces he considering overpriced, mediocre presidential run
trump flubs gaffe
fact-checking ben carson’s claims
disney trailer teases exit of major character in upcoming film ‘death at pooh corner’
man's anxiety not about to let depression muscle in on turf
state election commission chases wild animals out of voting booths in preparation for upcoming midterms
life: modern-day mulan! turns out that old, sick orangutan in the garage is a lady orangutan
new census report reveals u.s. has over 316 million nobodies
study finds only 5% of americans have correct amount of pride in country
really ugly shark tired of being mistaken for hammerhead
cambridge cop accidentally arrests henry louis gates again during white house meeting
news of uncle's death deleted by spam filter
highlights from ‘go set a watchman’
news: progress: mattel is giving barbie a hawk’s beak in order to make up for unattainable body proportions
new memoir reveals navy seal bounced a few book ideas off bin laden before killing him
worth the hassle: 5 reasons to consider changing your tampon
unclear what coworker with banana on desk all day waiting for
life: “i wish i had invented batman”: 5 questions with stan lee
fbi chief releases composite sketch of dream house
catholic church speaks out against decadent, sinfully rich dessert
cia issues posthumous apology after new evidence clears osama bin laden of involvement in 9/11 attacks
‘it was fine,’ says man following visit with only people on earth who love him
open casket really ruining vibe at funeral
trump raises concern over members of urban communities voting more than zero times
giuliani may be a stooge of the trump administration now, but let’s not forget how brave he was to come out against 9/11 when no one else would
authorities: missing plates and glasses found filthy but safe in roommate's room
big step backward: j.k. rowling has revealed that dementors are the wizarding world’s version of italians
fantasized argument getting pretty intense
biden hands out loose gt cola can to unexpected trick-or-treater
area bastards pick wrong guy to mess with this time
news: punching back: hillary clinton invited the ‘access hollywood’ bus to sit in the front row of the debate
life: heartbreaking: this soldier returned home after serving 5 years in afghanistan to find that his wife had started buying the weird kind of cereal
white house in disarray: a peacock just walked through the oval office and donald trump just stared at it until it left and didn’t say anything or tell anyone
this site likelyy contains-s sexually expliciit photos- of someone you know! my isi
college senior already has grueling 14-month employment search lined up after graduation
paralyzed man determined to still live normal sedentary life
report: 65% of all wildlife now used as homosexual subculture signifier
bush orders iraq to disarm before start of war
man has extra spring in his step after getting news that classmate moved home and stopped pursuing her dream
fraternity members to undergo racial sensitivity hazing
gummy bears born conjoined
video: powerful: watch these two strangers agree to never murder each other
area man dead of fries
news: a piece of history: the asteroid that hit jfk in the nuts so hard he died will be on display at the smithsonian for a monthlong exhibit
study finds 73% of marble statuettes of achilles used to beat to death wealthy dowager
defiant manafort enters trial wearing coat made of live puffins
man at park who set up table full of water cups has no idea how passing marathon runners got impression they can take them
lockheed martin executive fondly recalls humble beginning dealing arms out of back of chrysler lebaron
u.s. military clears a-team of charges
news: a second chance: this restaurant gives jobs exclusively to ex-prisoners who have broken out of jail
mitch mcconnell feeling emasculated by wife who makes more illicit money than him
person who clearly hasn’t seen ‘the fifth element’ arguing there no good roles for women
that show about the lady sheriff finally released on dvd
census bureau: 9,000 to 15,000 people work at census bureau
if it's any consolation, your daughter probably died almost immediately of sheer terror
new iranian president really impressed with country's nuclear arms program
half-empty bottle of malibu found in woods behind school
novelty alarm clock not so funny at 7 a.m.
nasa inadvertently launches unmanned space shuttle
mom finally drunk enough to put on bathing suit
man blames hangover on everything but how much he drank
new roomba blender makes smoothie out of everything in its path
recurring zhang ziyi fantasy always involves getting kicked in the face
obama peddling stimulus package door-to-door
enormous grace slick threatens california coastline
conversations pretty limited when friend not in midst of crisis
new study finds best way to determine if you are android still cutting open forearm to reveal circuitry within
fame sexually transmitted
pizza hut's new pizza lover's pizza topped with smaller pizzas
news: debt paid: authorities are releasing dzhokhar tsarnaev from prison after he caught a pesky mouse that had been vexing the warden
i never would’ve founded microsoft if i hadn’t dropped out of college and tortured the guy who originally had the idea
industrial light & magic creates believable storyline
senate: 'renewed fisa legislation imperative in protecting the few american freedoms that will remain'
area mother doesn't see why thai people need to make food so spicy
movie theater employee hurt by customer's comments about high price of popcorn
parents drop fake treating-you-like-an-adult act half-hour into visit
satellite frantically trying to bounce signal to swearing man's phone
light playing beautifully off eric trump’s gums at inaugural ball
leeds pub garden floods men go for pint anyway
life: heartwarming: hundreds of brands turned out to attend a funeral for this 18- to 34-year-old college-educated single white male making at least $70,000 per year
naked, dripping wet tom brady thrilled by judge’s decision to overturn suspension, imagines judge
gamers rejoice! this potion restores 20 hp
chimp in cocaine study starts lying to friends
election-crazed 'new york times' expands poll coverage to 18.5 million more races in 371 additional states
swimsuit skirt conceals hideous thigh region
city councilman from future warns against building 12th avenue rec center
patriothole: an abortion doctor so sexual that your daughter gets horny for a third-term procedure? believe it. his name is ahmed.
guy at house party must be at least 32
biden's ebay feedback rating dips below 35 percent
report: 87% of americans unaware they have been chosen in later rounds of mlb draft
the game’s objective is to turn off the siren that’s been blaring from the white house ever since the nuclear war started: here’s everything you need to know about ‘fallout 76’
report: you're actually saving money with roller rink membership
humanity hoping it only has to put up with few more millennia of this shit
yo-yo ma injured during practice
new 'aspershirt' relieves torso pain
everyone outraged catholic priest did that thing everyone jokes about
pringles level at six inches and falling
nation struggling to keep track of how far along it is in all its ongoing grieving processes
prairie dog town rezoned for commercial use
facebook apologizes for giving mark zuckerberg a platform
entire house implicated by phish poster
bus tour takes fans down iconic ‘joker’ stairs
every family member's birthday now marred by some tragedy
grandmother down to 10-step radius around recliner in den
woman’s parents accepting of mixed-attractiveness relationship
paranoid oscar pistorius still thinks burglar after him
cnn to get all information from in-house channel 'cnn-cnn'
surrendering trump boys solemnly salute each other before leaping from white house first-story window
kids love when mom sad enough to just order pizza
‘the time to act is now,’ says yellowing climate change report sitting in university archive
napkinless man with grease-covered fingers realizes he trapped in a prison of his own creation
job applicant blows away interviewer with intimate knowledge of company's 'about us' page
dean cain fanpage last updated 8/14/96
unkempt japanese man must be some sort of artist or something
8 tips for meeting people in a new city | clickhole
experts praise upcoming ‘sonic’ movie for accurate depiction of hedgehogs
new nfl combine drill places player alone in room with woman
vegetarian begins sad, private routine of scanning menu for little green v’s
cult divided on whether to let women become telepathic-vision clerics
heartbreaking rubio campaign email just asks supporters to send something to make him smile
sean mcdermott wonders if he still needs to act angry even if everyone already knows bills going to lose
briefcase full of porn
fcc chief cites special occasion for allowing vaginal penetration on network sitcom
nra lobby warns congress not to try anything stupid
pbs defends 'arthur' episode where mr. ratburn reveals he's the ultimate twink power bottom
heavenly sources confirm joe jackson already screaming at michael
restaurant that never has customers celebrates fifth weird year
shitty graffiti artist captures 19-year-old girl's heart
area man got so wasted and abusive last night
frightened don jr. asks if he can sleep in dad's bed after bad dream about being indicted
amazon completes new suspension tank to house psychic beings who foresee customers' future orders
life: 6 ways me and the boys messed around with my nana’s stair lift ranked by how sick my nana thought it was
other 193 countries begin insulting mike pence in hopes of avoiding future meetings with trump
video: absolutely adorable: watch this man wake up his son at 3 a.m. to explain what ronin samurai are
number of acceptable things candidates can say now down to four
american people lead world in compressing big sandwiches so they’re bitable
trump: ‘i know that was pretty bad, but let’s just say you’re going to want to save your energy’
usa today crossword puzzle grants false sense of intelligence
usc insists lori loughlin's daughter was admitted solely based on socioeconomic background
child running around house in bathing suit has no immediate plans to visit body of water
j.k. rowling revealed to be pseudonym for newt gingrich
man wishes there were some kind of pre-midterm race where voters could select better candidates
area man can't wait to get home to look out new window
cash-strapped nra forced to shoot dozens of redundant employees
law school applications increase upon realization that any fucking idiot can be lawyer
second hour in fabric store nearly kills eight-year-old
every glass in grandmother's cupboard visibly filthy
66-year-old 'washington post' reporter hopes he liveblogged state of the union right
trump boys leave $5 bill, candy bar under propped-up laundry basket in effort to catch op-ed writer
heartwarming! this fraternity brother came out as gay and was still just as much of an asshole
parents into new snack now
michael cohen relieved to remember it illegal to charge lawyer with crime
roomba claims another pet gerbil
nigel farage dies of milkshake wounds
laffy taffy writer disdains bazooka
hr director doesn't know what it is about her that makes people want to unload all their problems
historical archives: a salt cake recipe
ames executives scrambling after new shovel design leaks
video: incredible: mortician at career day gets halfway through telling students how to search a drowned body’s corpse for pearls before the teacher realizes he isn’t anybody’s dad
purina introduces ‘own shit’ dog food flavor
politician spots young female aide, and so it begins
cry of more, more, more heard in midnight hour
couple just wants small ceremony in public park with close friends and shirtless stranger hanging around tree
outgoing hhs secretary tommy thompson caught with briefcase full of flu vaccine
134-year-old man attributes longevity to typographical error
experts confirm rainforest ecosystem destroyed to make room for onion social server farm wasn’t that impressive to begin with
beauty industry to consumers: ‘you like short hair now’
bored u.s. postmaster general creates beard from stamps during meeting
german auto engineer issued lab coat
nobody touching punch at cia christmas party
report: seasonal depression still better than purchasing tiny sunshine lamp
man on weird fad diet where he eats flavorful meals that make him feel good
tsarnaev death penalty a warning to any other religious fanatics hoping to be martyred
ugh, this a place where bartenders wear bow tie
new study finds you'd love being rich asshole
nunes: 'the american people have a right to know the contextless, selectively-edited truth'
jerry falwell: is that guy a dick or what?
trophy son half father's age
unclear why stagehand wrote heartfelt little notes to everyone in cast
three-year-old onion video resurfaces as real news | the mary sue
first family gets pet asp
life: heartwarming: when steven tyler found out there was an aerosmith fan with only 2 weeks to live, he suggested a bunch of better bands she should check out
bisquick unveils sprawling state-of-the-art silicon valley campus
tank operator wishes buddies back home could see him now
extremely effective therapist just lets patients beat shit out of him for 45 minutes
‘the onion’ is canceling our 15-second web video featuring kevin spacey
kamala harris undergoes heart surgery after seeing positive reception for sanders
evidence piling up mom slept with one of her college professors
7 things i do every day before 9 a.m., though you should know i’m not particularly successful, pretty much just a regular joe
hungover michelle obama packs leftover inaugural ball hors d'oeuvres into sasha's lunch box
new era introduces new spiked baseball caps to keep pigeons from landing on players’ heads
mom scanning menu finds 'pan-seared diver scallops' faster than speed of light
pc culture run amok: this fat white boy was expelled just for getting fully nude on the school bus to change into his dashiki
promotion offers fans free pizza if phillies don't blow any easy plays in 5th inning
the onion explains the terrifying growth of isis
former chinese dissident has your order ready
health insurance ceo reveals key to company’s success is not paying for customers’ medical care
report: 98% of battlebots suffer debilitating cpu injuries
clinton names agriculture secretary: previously unnamed man to be called joseph p. ruckeyser
article: government in chaos: donald trump signed an executive order that just says “hot cube” and federal agencies are scrambling to interpret it
news: pr disaster: proactiv is under fire after it was discovered that all the pimples it’s made vanish from people’s faces have been appearing on one man chained up in its headquarters
area man directs customers to superior value in all-weather radials, yet feels nothing
narcissist convinced total strangers would want his organs
couple should get dinner with other couple, couple reports
sighing banksy methodically kills another few kids who stumbled upon him doing graffiti
life: close enough: 6 kids who haven’t done any prodigy shit yet, but they’re pretty fucking weird so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt
corporate disaster: the ceo of trojan held a press conference with his 300 children to issue an urgent recall on all trojan condoms
bouncer who’s not that big must be fucking crazy
this article from 2011 should be archived as a classic
manager fails to keep it short or sweet
mark zuckerberg promises that misuse of facebook user data will happen again and again
aftershock a real 'fuck you' to earthquake victims
new study finds being on cover of 'people' magazine best predictor of revealing all
‘bang, bang,’ bored white house sniper whispers to self with random tourist’s head in crosshairs
study: only 40% of mice have little welcome mat, doorway leading to tiny home inside wall
nation's insomniacs speak out against world's-strongest-man competitions
dive-bombing osprey better emerge from lake with something awesome to show for it
news: yes! planet fitness is adding ceiling-mounted tvs for when you give up during crunches and lie there pathetically staring upward for 10 minutes
milla jovovich inducted into basic cable hall of fame
update: 'the onion' apologizes for killing innocent boston man tom mahoney
website's new layout feels like deepest betrayal
woman struggling to contort dreams, ambitions into shape of dental technician
nra visits colorado police evidence room to check up on rifle used in planned parenthood shooting
area man bored with all the porn he owns
precious little voter needs to feel inspired by candidate
new affordable daycare sort of keeps an eye on your kids
nuclear energy advocates insist u.s. reactors completely safe unless something bad happens
military apologizes after drone strike intended for yemeni isis base accidentally hits west palm beach wedding
how obama's immigration plan would work
everyone unaware how much freshman doing keg stand secretly misses his parents
pen pal becomes pen foe
pier 1 issues formal apology for rattan death march
pfizer unveils new double-sided epipen for lovers
poor kwanzaa sales disappoint retailers
man can’t help but think he played small part in female coworker’s success by not actively sabotaging her career
justice roberts stops in middle of oath of office to remind audience this just his job
hawaii's false missile alert caused by employee pressing wrong button
kurrencykook.com gives new $100 bill mixed review
british empire to be reduced to 8 acres around buckingham palace by 2050
officemax employee was here when gel pens were big
queen elizabeth rushed to hospital for royal blood transfusion
suicide bombing a cry for help, vengeance against the infidel
republican congressman terrifies constituents even more by assuring them he read every part of healthcare bill
dementia risk higher near busy roads
‘it’s hard being away from you all,’ says donald trump while spreading bird feed around rooftop pigeon coop
bar mitzvah transforms jewish boy into elderly man
ken burns completes documentary about fucking liars who claimed they watched entire ‘jazz’ series
another comedian ruined by parenthood
school bully not so tough since being molested
newborn loses faith in humanity after record 6 days
alabama governor signs new 'heartbeat bill' lowering state's age of consent
mccain gives up jcpenney catalog-modeling job
man always carries gun in case he needs to escalate situation
'please hold while i send you through to mr. gilmore,' says jim gilmore inside empty campaign office
man trying to get out of executioner duty
heavily processed food makes pathetic nutritional claims
sales disappointing for first-ever hustler swimsuit issue
trump catches self briefly believing own campaign rhetoric
group of fifth-grade boys discover pile of naked ladies discarded in woods
new law prohibits kaleidoscoping while driving
vain galápagos tortoise trying to pass for 90
weary haitians shrug as ragnarök begins outside port-au-prince
‘rock the caliphate’ charity concert features u2, ed sheeran, dua lipa coming together to raise money for struggling islamic state
man unsure how to expose self to woman he likes without coming off as a creep
business card confirms real-estate salesman is eddie money
report: you’re actually saving money with roller rink membership
3 toddlers dredged from chuck e. cheese ball pit
87% of loud crashing noises are nothing, report top experts from other room
cocaine dealer most upstanding guy wall street broker knows
single parent wishes she had thought of abandoning child first
scientists capture audio of beetle colliding with paper clip for first time
report: 87% of u.s. women achieve orgasm when fantasizing about gorton's fisherman
tim kaine forced to drink ipecac after eating sheet of ‘i’m with her’ stickers
biden frantically cleaning up trashed vice president residence at last second
10-year-old first responders rush to bike crash scene to check out tyler’s fucked-up leg
translator asks bannon to repeat that last spectral scream during congressional testimony
scientific community baffled by man whose waist 32 with some pants, 33 with others
sick fucks line up to gape at dead body
quiz: jesus christ, we should have narrowed this down, but which animal are you?
report: it too soon to glance back at attractive person
islamic awakening inspires man to defect from isis
woman constantly treating herself for once
report: majority of diner’s salt and pepper shakers currently being used to diagram elaborately planned bank heists
thick sweater no match for determined nipples
family enters crisis talks after learning restaurant has 45-minute wait
pastor talking to non-christian who just lost wife can smell blood
north korea nukes self in desperate plea for attention
paul ryan lauded for inspiring millions of young gutless fucking cowards to take on leadership roles
paranormal expert bores son with ghost story
2015! woo! [clickhole]
standards lowered for second search through fridge
overuse of enzyme-based cleaners may be causing highly resistant superstains
news: major setback: nasa’s fermi gamma-ray telescope has turned toward earth and is only transmitting pictures of dogs it finds having sex in the desert
hot girl mentions boyfriend three hours into conversation
who is boko haram leader abubakar shekau?
report: no gay people actually refer to selves as 'same-sex couple'
obama revises campaign promise of 'change' to 'relatively minor readjustments in certain favorable policy areas'
frustrated novelist no good at describing hands
study: majority of new marine life species now discovered while cleaning oil spills
nation's beekeepers warn they don't know how much longer they can hold back swarms' wrath
boy, dolphin no longer on speaking terms
'depot buys max,' nation's office-supply-loving teens text frantically to one another
body positivity win! dove just released a powerful new ad campaign announcing that in their eyes everyone is fat
death row inmate can’t deny he curious to see how state pulls off lethal injection
area satirical publication the onion sold to univision (seriously)
police slog through 40,000 insipid party pics to find cause of dorm fire
sessions drops pile of weapons in prison yard before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30%
85 percent of u.s. cole slaw remains uneaten
russian interference had no impact on election, reports website created 8 minutes ago
unemployed bob barker spends morning watching 'price is right'
man completely blindsided by seemingly normal stranger telling him to 'have a blessed day'
finland to pay citizens basic income
u.s. cryptographers: 'frpx-k5je-oc4n-e5dn'
life: 6 drugstore umbrellas that don’t stand a fucking chance in 2017
woman's primal instincts activate to protect nearly finished glass of wine from approaching server
guinness forced to recognize bigger record book
rock and roll hall of fame retires 'd' chord
breaking: cousin mark coming after all
little leaguer immediately becomes major league–caliber all-star after putting chewing tobacco in mouth
michael brown audiotapes conclusively reveal exactly what you want them to
black twins always get mistaken for random black people
our accountant said we could write off this dehumidifier if we put it on the cover
barnes & ignoble
as a working mom, it's hard to find time to masturbate | the onion - america's finest news source
will smith: the black man everyone at work can agree on
mueller report released
female trump supporters just feel more comfortable with gop candidate who's openly horrible to them
news: close call: this fucking snitch saved dozens of lives by reporting a subway passenger’s suspicious behavior
report: limbo competition nation's last example of pure meritocracy
warren buffett can’t believe he has to live next to powerball winner | the onion - america's finest news source
bill cosby feeling disoriented after jury slips conviction into his verdict
christ calls off plans for return after realizing it’s been so long it’ll be weird now
dress code cracked
this obviously aliens' first abduction
woman's children officially old enough to pony up for good birthday gift this year
'we'll be moving shortly,' says train conductor waiting for workers to remove dead body from tracks
robots speak out against asimov's first law of robotics
ted cruz provides detailed response to moderator's question about why his face so fucking infuriating
cavs hoping to avoid game 4
cnn panelists warn north korea situation way too complex for them to discuss intelligently
republicans demand whistleblower reveal their identity in a wide open field where there’s a clear shot
7-year-old only likes corn
netanyahu feeling like trip to us to start world war iii went pretty well
nation wishes area man were a creep, but, ugh, he's actually really fucking nice
l.a. fitness announces plan to close all locations for 30-minute, high-intensity diversity training
man wearing ‘jewmerica’ t-shirt never dreamed he’d see this day
big, sloppy chicken parm hovers alluringly above nation
poll finds hillary clinton candidate most americans want to have 8-ounce glass of tap water with
cnn producer on hunt for saddest-looking fuck with convention button collection
pope francis kills 3 hours milling around atlanta airport during layover to d.c.
study: boyfriends who aren’t speaking are thinking about ending relationship 90% of time
new ted cruz campaign ad features his kids begging for beto o'rourke to be their new dad
a glimpse into the female world of web design: career spider not sure she's ready for 3,000 children at this point.
does notre dame’s mascot trivialize the heartbreaking genocide of leprechauns?
aspiring felon moved by man who didn't get first 8 convictions until his 60s
manson's loved ones ask for complete, utter chaos in their time of grief
report: we could probably just have computer pick president
47 weak-willed senators bend to interests of powerful american people
nation's wildlife fleeing to canada
regular on sandy hook truth forum complaining about recent decline in quality of discussion
study finds americans do most financial planning when figuring out how to get money’s worth at buffet
time-warner ceo announces plans to merge with secretary
video: if you’re still an undecided voter after you watch this video, there’s something seriously wrong with you
nation’s marketers only people still trying to reach inner-city child
hillary clinton suspended 3 weeks by fec for spitting on volunteer
senator dick durbin forced to watch state of the union address from home after getting ripped off by ticket scalper
alpha-bits now available in serif font
nytimes.com's plan to charge people money for consuming goods, services called bold business move
stunning intelligence: for the first time ever, scientists have observed a chimpanzee blow up a human child with its mind
antonio brown buys pittsburgh billboard to thank antonio brown for putting up with city
study: earth in middle of ‘sixth extinction’
onlookers gape as daredevil crosses street without basic health insurance
life: bold strategy: reese’s puffs is doxxing anyone who eats competitor cereals on the back of its boxes
patriothole: the latest evil immigrant scheme: illegal aliens are teaming up to produce micro-illegals that are small enough to run right through an ice agent’s legs!
lone ant crawling through kitchen trumpets arrival of horde
american girl recalls 50,000 dolls with chainsaws for hands
visibly flu-stricken choir kid really dragging down whole christmas pageant
report: economy must be doing pretty well if entire season of 'bones' online for free
paranoid chinese government erases all evidence of country’s existence from internet
hillary clinton to nation: ‘do not fuck this up for me’
woman getting all defensive about inherent worth and selfhood
yikes: this documentary about a feral child is 20 minutes from the end and things do not seem to be on the upswing for the feral child
congress members spend afternoon drawing pictures of their dream capitols
women’s strike a sobering reality check for subway masturbator
seaworld debuts new controversial orca whale burlesque show
seventh-grade class scrambling to piece together teacher's home life from desktop background before powerpoint opened
middle-aged funeral director buys flashy red hearse
shingles sufferer sick of explaining what shingles is
touring raffi refuses to play 'shake my sillies out'
man makes quick call to parents so next week's call to ask for money doesn't seem that bad
son conned out of allowance for seventh consecutive week
jeff bezos assures amazon employees that hr working 100 hours a week to address their complaints
very specific food pyramid recommends two to three shrimp scampis per year
nra criticizes video game makers for downplaying portrayal of euphoric rush felt watching light leave enemy's eyes
‘we will not repeat the mistakes of the 2016 election,’ vows nation still using internet
mall pastry shop takes oscar for best cinnabontography
dnc leaders bury heads in hands after new moderate presidential recruit immediately walks into oncoming traffic
magic-markered initials fail to deter breakroom rice-cake thief
l’oreal suspends production of irresistible 2-step lip color stick after lab rat seduces way out of facility
girl in park acts like it's no big deal she's wearing bikini
nasa acquires moon for kennedy space center exhibit
child makes useless gesture to help struggling family
life: damn: this couple vowing to ‘fearlessly wade through the stormy tide’ makes it sound like they really expect to go through some shit during their marriage
tv in l.a. bar switched over to 'american dad' rerun without complaint
nazi ss cemetery desecrated by pro-semitic graffiti
leno to tell outrageous o.j. joke
jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
need for coffee overrides scalding sensation
nutter butters 'ruined forever' for nutter butter factory worker
neighbor arriving home at same time offers brief, beguiling glimpse inside apartment
life: customer service ftw: best buy is constructing 40,000 terra-cotta geek squad agents to fix its customers’ computers in the afterlife
tucker carlson spends entire show screaming over child bride he invited on to debate him
pope francis admits god really starting to look old
febreze releases new air horn for covering up unpleasant bathroom sounds
giuliani insists breaking the law not a crime
republicans, democrats unite in good laugh over reform party
pope francis bags 6-winged trophy angel during vatican’s annual seraphim hunt
12-year-old camper excited to meet girls who will torture her for rest of summer
bugs bunny explains how lebron helped him get sober for role in ‘space jam’ sequel
dubai unveils plans for world’s largest human rights violation
jamie dimon cites relentless desire to watch a person die up close as inspiration for starting healthcare company
biden urges paul ryan to check out nude scene from ‘porky’s’ on phone
finger-quotes lady now doing hand parentheses
clinton's sight restored
kobe bryant confident he could still berate teammates for 20 minutes a night
report: average consumer puts blind faith in 87 corporations per day
wife always dragging husband into her marital problems
roommates assured girlfriend only staying over for entire duration of relationship
kavanaugh sobering up after 35-year bender shocked to find out he's supreme court nominee
neighborhood has gotten a lot safer since mayor vanquished fire troll
woman googles ‘hangover cures’ in case there been any scientific breakthroughs since last weekend
life: strange but true: this man is not on the san antonio spurs but is still happy
report: suddenly remembering to sit up straight once a month best way to keep back healthy into old age
checked-out drill sergeant just calling every cadet a chowderhead
news: olympic dreams dashed: this woman could have trained her whole life to get really good at gymnastics but she didn’t
beauty industry to consumers: 'you like short hair now'
sarah huckabee sanders denies doctoring footage showing jim acosta in clown makeup blowing up gotham hospital
machiavellian white house groundskeeper gaining influence among west wing staff
vagina has five o'clock shadow
elderly couple dresses up for trip to denny's
12-year-old who got her hair curled for spring dance the very image of old hollywood glamour
man pretty sure he could run this company into ground way better than boss
report: nearby conversation definitely just got quiet to prevent you from hearing it
7 pictures that will drive perfectionists insane
guest searches hand towel for low-traffic area
cardinals host going-away party at pope's favorite vatican city dive bar
insecure infant worried he unworthy of animatronic toy rabbit’s love
are reality shows setting unrealistic standards for skanks?
report: logan's mom put him on a diet
dad locks into elaborate chess match with lawn mower salesman
burger king unveils new low-fat cashier
liver flees george jones' body
life: social media meltdown: when this woman bled through her tampon, kotex called for her assassination
ryan zinke apologizes for misuse of government funds by sending ethics committee $160,000 vase
cactus scientists recommend drinking 8 cups of water per year
car bomber given shittiest possible car
popular new exercise app just tells users they ran 5 miles a day no matter what
no clear winner in feces-throwing conflict
historical archives: hy-genic apportionment of remaining paper
life: 6 tactics to win any argument that would be perfect if they didn’t also attract baboons in heat
god cites 'moving in mysterious ways' as motive in killing of 3,000 papua new guineans
'dallas' revival to feature elderly j.r. begging to be shot
streets of portland flooded with counterfeit toothbrushes
man confident perfect dating app waiting for him out there somewhere
roller coaster designer’s artistic vision sullied by fantastic four tie-in
millions of holiday travelers return from parents' homes all caught up on 'the mentalist'
clinton's lower lip 'very concerned' about albanian crisis
study: other countries weird
family kind of concerned at how fast dad ate father's day gift
u.s. encouraging cuba to shift toward democratic system of corruption
thomas jefferson: ‘the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants and kindergarteners and newlyweds and high-schoolers and parents and teachers and worshippers and workers and occasionally infants’
triumph of human engineering slept through
bleeding john bolton stumbles into capitol building claiming that iran shot him
dangerous teen trend: it’s called ‘worrying that donald trump’s supreme court nominee will overturn vital u.s. civil rights decisions,’ and it’s what millions of u.s. adolescents are obsessed with today
onion social offers free medium t-shirt to anyone who has been a victim of stalking on their site
american voices: study: 3% of population owns half of nation’s guns
religious scholars discover jesus christ delivered by dr. sidney adler
what the planet will look like in 2100
need for more places to sit becomes election's most important issue
san francisco photographer shits out another bridge photo
beto o’rourke announces he starting obama cover campaign
schwarzenegger admits to affair with predator costume
strategies to defeat isis
new employee doesn't understand that's where zack sits
study finds controlling, possessive behavior most pure expression of love
aerobics linked to lousy music
breakroom tension at all-time high following mug dispute
breakup secretly hilarious to friends
you might be wondering why i’m wearing a cap usually reserved for playing baseball
man who stopped dieting already seeing results
newly discovered journal entries reveal sacagawea’s repeated attempts to ditch lewis and clark
god decides against killing self after angel shows him what life would be like if he never existed
man carefully selects t-shirt for night out
oxfam: ‘your donation will help us protect impoverished girls from our employees’
man passes away surrounded by knife-wielding loved ones
'12 years a slave,' 'captain phillips,' 'american hustle,' 'wolf of wall street,' 'blue jasmine,' 'dallas buyers club,' 'her,' 'nebraska,' 'before midnight,' and 'philomena' all written during same continuing education screenwriting class
uncle warren in rare form tonight
dog can’t believe owner left on fucking msnbc to keep it company while she at work
sources: hackers vandalized drudge report for last 15 years
report: u.s. children lead world in hand-mouth coordination
terrorists blast egypt air hijacker for making a mockery of terrorism
report: america still world leader in manufacturing excuses
solitary pretzel rolling through ghost town all that remains from 1800s california rold gold rush
sun thinking of just collapsing now and getting this all over with
rest of world not biting on couple's open relationship
breaking: lovers lost in fog
latest jihad has something for everyone
news: game changer: mark zuckerberg will now respond to you in facebook messenger if your friend doesn’t get back to you quickly enough
one-year-old still waiting for father's first words
facebook offers to freeze female employees' newborn children
lonely elderly man visits pond to pelt ducks with rocks
crazed loiterer strikes again
west bank rioting shatters 45 minutes of middle east peace
memorial honors victims of imminent dam disaster
everyone who started watching 'mad money' in 2005 now billionaires
eric clapton ossifies
woman 7 golden retrievers short of childhood vision
evangelical church strips away all the frills and pomp of catholic molestation
you shouldn't have made fun of my exclamation point
weak-willed intellectual infant checks to see how many more pages left in book chapter
22-year-old gets job at website
trump vows to eat all surplus pork products china refuses to import
onion, inc. launched a new celebrity site today: starwipe
missing kazakhstani nukes turn up in manhattan
bluetooth headset worn throughout date
patriothole: if we ban the ar-15, we might as well admit the seagull in my front yard has won
kenny chesney also poor man's kenny chesney
e. coli ready to treat itself to some beef after weeks of nothing but salad
republicans address income inequality by offering middle class hot stock tip
6 poems about slime written by idiots
pope francis washes feet of philly phanatic
"no way to prevent this" says only nations where this regualrly happens
new ed mcmahon autobiography reveals he slept with 7 women
husband apologizing in sleep
body positivity advocate caught in illicit tryst with conventionally attractive lover
could be true: the onion of facts
tom hanks recalls arriving on ‘a beautiful day in the neighborhood’ set at dawn for grueling 6-hour cardigan-application process
hannity claims relationship with cohen never went past payment for legal advice, defense strategy in criminal cases
quiz: how many of these ways have you tried to surprise your mailman?
inconsiderate woman on bus eating live tuna
frustrated nsa now forced to rely on mass surveillance programs that haven't come to light yet
box with cooking instructions immediately retrieved from trash
obama's weekly video addresses becoming increasingly avant-garde
nervous voter totally blanks on american values while looking at ballot
buttery goodness now america's top domestic product
life: silver lining: this tornado leveled a veterinary hospital but successfully neutered all the animals inside
van's rocking motion discourages would-be knocker
report: imagine how good it would feel to just crawl back into bed right now
news: defending the second amendment: the nra is attempting to justify the sale of ar-15s by developing genetically modified super deer that can only be hunted with assault rifles
i enjoyed the site and meet some lovely people. i have now found my match qdjtdm
vast array of lip-balm options paralyzes shopper
grandma happy to babysit while couple desperately attempts to rekindle relationship
jeeves asked about genital warts
report: only one in every 150,000 dead children becomes angel
gop quick to point out that michael cohen was merely rnc’s deputy finance chairman
girlfriend really has mind of its own today
spy drone taken out of service after returning with creepy photos of insurgents changing
new homeowner suddenly fascinated by molding
father apologizes for taking out anger on wrong son
privacy scandal: mark zuckerberg is being chased by a shotgun-toting farmer after ignoring the old man’s rule not to collect his beautiful daughter’s personal data
world leaders hope singapore summit will lead to north korea becoming normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about
new york philharmonic hosts open-mic night
shark attack claims life of some guy on tv
political scientists trace american democracy's severe polarization to fucking idiots on other side of aisle
motorist overwhelmed by array of jerky choices
conservative floridian enjoys living under sharia law more than he thought he would
no complaints if a remake of 'emma' with jon hamm and emily blunt got thrown our way, nation's girlfriends report
devastating: connor called his father ‘obtuse’ a week ago and his old man appears to be completely unmade
frustrated nation out of ideas to solve gun violence problem except for all the obvious ones
guy 'just giving you a hard time' truly despises you
guy who used drawing of self on dating website must be fun and also attractive
wedding photographer keeps calling bride's parents 'mom' and 'dad'
educated bigot that much more terrifying
news: inclusivity win! marvel will now have bruce banner briefly turn into a honduran man before transforming into the hulk
weird wooden chair pressed into service for thanksgiving | the onion - america's finest news source
gap debuts new line of children's sweaters to clutch to chest when son goes missing
well known gresham, or musicians form gresham, or supergroup
man to undergo extensive interrogation by coworkers about where he got falafel
slightly larger chair shifts delicate balance of office power
jim lehrer forced to report on his own botched debate moderator performance on tonight's 'newshour'
cbs to feature in-studio fan to provide partially correct explanations of refs’ calls
jeb bush inching podium closer to center of stage during commercial breaks
new final draft update includes stock female characters to help fill out scripts
news: huge either way: researchers in the amazon have discovered either the world’s largest frog or the world’s most luxurious beanbag chair
coworker even a dick in his expense reports
dad recounts amazing story of how, through quick thinking, he saved $4.27
longtime reader of lib-slaves.info sick of mainstream bias on sites like wideawakepatriot.com
busy schedule forces vladimir putin to move up election win a couple days early
ditching tight pants improves sperm count
new facebook notifications alert users when they not currently looking at facebook | the onion
area client would like a different font
former high-school bully pulls you over for speeding
wealthy, famous individual described as 'totally down-to-earth' by thousands of acquaintances, all of whom are lying
​report: all standing between trump and presidency is nation that made him billionaire celebrity
mta officials assure new yorkers that today’s subway will run just as fucked up as normal
study finds sexism rampant in nature
new sympathetic alarm clock just lets you sleep
the time is now to clean up this soup i just spilled everywhere
keys to the matchup: oregon vs. ohio state
newlywed britney spears hangs bloody sheet in window for reporters
puma researcher has nagging feeling he left usain bolt running at office
drunk will show you, everybody
soccer mom to suck off world's greatest dad
‘this map will change the way you see westeros,’ reports never-ending cascade of subhuman bullshit
freshman dorm kept cool by 870 fans
friendly note to coworker undergoes eight revisions
kavanaugh says it’s super embarrassing and sad that christine blasey ford still in love with him
sports bar makes more room for tvs by getting rid of tables, chairs, bartenders, customers
new girlfriend bears disturbing resemblance to old girlfriend
designers opt to stick with last year's fashions
92% of area woman’s holiday recipes involve pulverizing bag of oreos
man not himself until he has so much coffee he feels like he's going to die
mother knows perfect picture to publicize if daughter ever abducted
encouraging report shows 45% of onion social users survive beta testing
blog: please do not let funyuns become the official chip of the alt-right
'can anyone hear me?' shout terrified climate scientists frantically waving arms as passersby walk straight through them
toddler shits her way through 3rd halloween costume of night
completely unknown employee begins sending email updates to office
u.s. citizenry admits it could kind of go for charismatic authoritarian dictator
band teacher gay in retrospect
nyc conservationists decry destruction of rat habitats
couple starting to feel like they just don’t have any tv shows in common
new study finds humans could lose vestigial heads in less than 100 years
smiling willie nelson reflects on a lifetime of weed and women
6-year-old shits out half-assed hand turkey
steer clear: belgium has declared war on anyone who wants to fucking go right now
only time employee has ever done job is when training replacement
overpopulation of the earth: will it create valuable new markets?
interpol admits 89% of its cases involve finding, recovering the 'mona lisa'
jon bon jovi jealous of former classmate who made it out of jersey
news: a public nuisance: barack obama was kicked off of a white house tour for shouting, ‘i already know that,’ after everything the tour guide said
paula deen releases delicious new butter product made from her breast milk
new blog piece on woody allen to settle everything
u.s. forces take over key afghan city that will be retaken by taliban when marines leave
life: failing our children: this public school’s sex-ed class doesn’t cover ways to drive him wild and leave him begging for more
navy frogmen recover clinton's head
hulking strongman now only voice of reason in republican party
name on valentine misspelled
clinton commissions john williams to compose 'clinton's theme'
cruel owner chains bike outside in freezing weather
hillary clinton bowls over catcher to score winning run in campaign staff softball game
weird-looking guy somehow manages to look normal in facebook profile picture
news: diplomatic blunder: donald trump keeps calling israeli and palestinian officials ‘the class of 2017’ and telling them to follow their dreams
must see: heartbreaking: nobody showed up to this party for this boy with autism, although that’s kind of on him for making it ‘john carter’-themed
employees still have no idea what's going on after attending meeting
‘i don’t like the look of this,’ says astronaut entering flickering, ooze-covered abandoned section of iss
bacon good for you, reports best scientist ever
'yogi bear' movie introduces boring cartoon character to new generation
man takes free thing he doesn't want
media intern looking forward to moving up at company that won't exist in 8 months
‘you thought you could get rid of me?’ says cassini probe emerging from shadows to confront petrified nasa administrator
americans observing 911 by trying not to masturbate
gas-station employee gives 109 9/10ths percent
custom fireplace store totally jumps gentrification gun
"area facebook user incredibly stupid" ... is this not the worst onion headline/article you've ever read?
business-owned women outnumber women-owned businesses
news: absolutely perfect: the san diego zoo just totally stuck it to donald trump by putting an orange wig on a giraffe and blowing it up with dynamite
area man worried health care debate might be getting political
'grand theft auto v' missions to focus largely on tutoring, community outreach
[theonion] fight your database his girlfriend, can you change it to another!
george zimmerman wins florida state lottery
cancer topples chavez in bloodless coup
hilary duff's number-one fan tasered
life: dedication personified: the live studio audience has been waiting in the ‘frasier’ studio for 13 years in case the show comes back
dad busy throwing seeds or something on lawn
tyga swears he only wanted to take advantage of 14-year-old financially
woman overjoyed by giant uterine parasite
gallant amazon user heroically defends 'fringe' season 2 box set from negative reviewers
man's obituary accompanied by photo of him dressed as wizard
area mom off thinking about princess diana again
video store's 'favorites' shelf offers telling glimpse into manager's psyche
'the onion' wins nobel prize
voters look on in horror as 3 new republican candidates appear in place of scott walker
scientific breakthrough reveals stars consist primarily of twinkles
community rallies to win private busing for freaky-looking winter hat guy
hotshot product talking big game about being good for consumer
no one in group admits girls' night out a colossal failure
area man shocked to learn there is a butt-oriented magazine he was not aware of
news: shaking up washington: donald trump just appointed a cloaked man as secretary of the hook
quiz: how many of these songs have you listened to to get pumped up to boil some water?
news: scientific setback: a group of wild pigs keeps digging up the hadron collider
trump thinking of beginning rnc speech with sexist tirade he was saving for special occasion
report: double stuf oreos could raise tolerance to stuf
dianne feinstein horrified after new gun control bill disintegrates immediately upon crossing into senate chamber
federal judge pencils blocking trump's unconstitutional executive orders into monthly schedule
optimist half full of shit
excuse me, i’m a little shy...but...may i have blue cheese dressing?
vagina medicine left out where anyone can see it
woman apologizes for what appears to be clean house
cern researchers apologize for destruction of 5 parallel universes in recent experiment
house votes against trump’s national emergency on grounds that only congress allowed to misappropriate funds
man with new 40-disc cd changer needs 18 more cds
obama drastically scales back goals for america after visiting denny's
americans freed from north korea sent back to pyongyang after denuclearization talks fall through
surinamese man struggling to write the great surinamese novel
melania trump hangs decayed badger carcass over white house mantel to finish off traditional slovenian christmas decor
hazing incident ends in tragic joining of fraternity
climate scientists confirm there's still time to blow up the earth
high school bully ready to unload summer vacation’s worth of abuse
news: pr nightmare: zales has apologized after debuting extra-small rings for child brides
probably unnecessary: this amber alert mentions that the missing kid’s nickname at school is ‘big lord beefcake’
spawn of satan a failure in father's eyes
'diversity was the real winner last night,' report hundreds of dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism
mccain campaign nabs top obama pun writer
news: this incredible girl escaped becoming a child bride, but her story would pop a little more if she also opened up a school for girls
facebook informs data leak victims whether they need to burn down house, cut off fingerprints, start anew
fist-pumping jared kushner leaves jerusalem embassy refreshed and ready to solve next global crisis
lottery winner burns money in faces of poor children
8-month-old sick of staring at pooh's smug face all day
buzz aldrin recalls how easy it was getting to the moon
beyoncé quickly releases new song about how buying tidal subscription most empowering thing a woman can do
nfl announces super bowl tickets only available for purchase one hour before kickoff at stadium box office
onion social ceo rebukes 480,000 crimes at international criminal tribunal including illegal surveillance, insider trading, mass murder, indecent exposure
'watermelon capital of world' claim goes unchallenged
man and woman get drunk, blow $30,000 in one night
masturbating mom can’t get bobby flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering
francis ford coppola admits wedding scene in 'the godfather' needed more lasagna
elon musk gives saudi investors presentation on new autonomous beheading machine for adulterers
clickventure: you got hot. can you have fun at your 10-year high school reunion?
child at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he's constantly in the way
mom hates bad guy in movie
a historic summit: donald trump just finished a marathon day of diplomatic talks with a man in a freddy krueger costume who introduced himself as the king of scotland
winner of 'the voice' excited to use $50 chili's gift card
report: friend's apartment not nice enough to be asking people to take off shoes
the onion called it: america needs a moat (...filled with alligators)
adults go wild over latest in childrens picture book series
male substitute teacher with ponytail cloaked in mystery
find the thing you're most passionate about, then do it on nights and weekends for the rest of your life
tractor pulls now number-one use for u.s. tractors
buying everything hairstylist recommends would cost $8,000
pre-teen moves from giggling-at-everything phase to never-smiling phase
justin timberlake pulling panicked all-nighter after realizing new album due tomorrow
life: 5 explorers who saw the americas before columbus but turned back because of a dog barking along the shore
new 'doctors without licenses' program provides incompetent medical care to refugees
guy just trying on shirt right in middle of store
every intern at nonprofit trying to solve refugee crisis first
new planet discovered 400 light years away from public's interest
full unsliced lemon makes glass of water particularly refreshing
new nba starter jackets to come with unwanted pregnancies
kind bar ceo admits they just sort of find the bars like that
life: ‘venus and i invented a sport called fox nuggets’: 5 questions with serena williams
netflix checks if area man okay after watching 'sons of anarchy' season in single sitting
thousands of cheering americans packed into park for ted cruz concession speech
life: body positivity win: dove is offering to freeze women until a time when their bodies are conventionally attractive
psychologists say it perfectly natural to fantasize about sandwiches other than one currently in hand
closed shop in gentrifying neighborhood to emerge from chrysalis as beautiful gastropub
mitt romney jots down ideas for concession speech while obama talks
unfunny inside joke from 5 years ago only thing holding friendship together
romney tailors nursing home visit to those who will still be alive on election day
tim kaine forced to drink ipecac after eating sheet of 'i'm with her' stickers
reports of movie being good reach area man
new liver complains of difficulty working with lou reed
ozzy wins tickets to ozzfest
boss’s sexual harassment a lot more cautious lately
7 foolproof tips for passing your daughter off as a crawfish so you only have to buy one disneyland pass
we challenged this man to survive on minimum wage and he immediately got hit by a car
wacky morning zoo crew dj threatened by younger, wackier morning zoo crew dj
petsmart manager does morning sweep of enclosures for dead ones before opening doors for day
sticking it out: this couple has decided to stay in their two-person horse costume until their children finish high school
man attends 25-year nursery school reunion
quiz: is your kitchen finally ready for a fat little chef statue?
gun pays for itself on first day
talk-show host takes brief break from mocking jessica simpson to interview her
seventh-graders still undecided on disparaging name for mr. hyslop
dollar store has great deal on fig nortons
‘the onion’ endorses legal marijuana
floral arrangement at funeral talked about more than deceased
moral tacked onto end of man's life
just my type
college unveils new media center every month.
carly fiorina promises to fight for whoever everyday americans are
college student still managing to look like asshole in picture of village he helped build
after obama victory, shrieking white-hot sphere of pure rage early gop front-runner for 2016 [prediction came true]
study finds 87% of knowledge about nation comes from side of u-haul trucks
role of tree ineptly played by second-grader
tragic: the man who tried to bring attention to the crisis of gaming lag by sailing across the ocean on a ps4 has already drowned
divorced man sadly removes ex-wife’s admin privileges from home security system
sully sullenberger realizes it too late now to let everyone know plane did all that stuff on autopilot
life: 7 places to hide your cabbages from an asshole
black guy asks nation for change
a reunion in the works? robert plant and jimmy page were spotted at guitar center buying a led zeppelin tablature book
defensive clinton campaign releases new ‘who are you to judge me?’ ad
saudis insist missing journalist was already dismembered before he left consulate
'please don't feed the poor' campaign catching on
panicked donald trump jr. tries to cover up contact with wikileaks by deleting firefox icon from desktop
world’s cartographers continue living secret life of luxury on idyllic, never disclosed 8th continent
trump outlines bold vision for nation's next mass protests
quiz: this quiz is going to call you a cricket
sports-related murder provides perfect local-news segue
congratulations! you’ve read enough ogn articles in a row to earn a 1-up!
olympic officials: ‘on the whole, only 4 or 5 really terrible things happened’
man starting to think he didn’t win 1995 kellogg’s frosted flakes sweepstakes for free trip to australian outback
new restaurant specializes in trendy japanese-japanese fusion cuisine
life: 6 people who paul revere was forced to kill because they were also riding through the colonies at midnight, shouting about how much they loved salsa
$80 million movie scrapped after footage reveals brad pitt had spinach stuck in teeth for entire film
as a parent, nothing compares to the moment when the kidnappers who took your child ride a vespa past your house and punt your now 200-pound son back onto your lawn
bowing out: justin timberlake has retired from singing after realizing that you can just work in an office
emergency crew rushes to pull child out of football huddle
supernatural powers vested in local pastor
must see: defying the odds: the radioshack onboard the international space station is thriving
crazed gunman critically injures 4
local oaf not sure what part of counter you order at
speakeasy patrons apparently unaware it legal to go to regular bars again
life: without a trace: here are the 5 greatest unsolved disappearances in history
world’s greatest soccer stars arrive in brazil for monthlong coca-cola ad
couple duetting 'suddenly seymour' at karaoke bar probably gonna fuck like animals after this
area man’s intelligence probably just too intimidating for most women
man surprised to learn high school classmate became completely different type of fuckup
snakes on caduceus clearly in love
chinese citizens observe 25-year moment of silence for tiananmen square massacre
area woman not about to miss ally mcbeal for that
rc car works up courage to approach group of girls
fuck everything, we're doing five blades | the onion from 2004
ten years later, cheney haunted by people he didn't manage to kill in iraq war
nation's teen drug problem ended by rapping cartoon spokesbeast
elderly dog can already tell owner doesn't think she's worth $3,000 gallstone surgery
overeager simpleton destroys that which he loves most
aaa member pulled first from car crash
patriots win super bowl
tibetan teen getting into western philosophy - the onion
greek populace woken up at 6 a.m. by angela merkel’s voice booming through loudspeakers across country
ron desantis clarifies that 'monkey' comment was intended as subtle enough dog whistle to get away with
nation's journalists remember quaint time when 'huffington post' seemed like death of news industry
news: pr nightmare: make-a-wish accidentally sent a costumed hero named terminally ill spider-man to a healthy kid’s house and asked the child to comfort him in his final hours
denny's introduces new 3,000-spider-egg omelet
new report finds amazon may be listening to you through hardcover copies of michelle obama’s ‘becoming’
verb to follow noun; prepositional phrase to follow
husband calls for greater separation of church and mate
forgetful karl lagerfeld inadvertently starts lobster-bib trend
college rape victim pretty thrilled she gets to recount assault to faculty committee
yet another media-savvy ex-hostage delights tv-news producers
oysters have no discernible effect on date
'you thought you could get rid of me?' says cassini probe emerging from shadows to confront petrified nasa administrator
historical archives: to be sold - tri-cornered shoes
will you kiss my friend parthik?
secretary of agriculture finally gets around to reading fast food nation
sexual predator gets tenure
senior citizen keeps mind active by contemplating death
new report finds moving to isolated seaside cottage greatly increases productivity
you just got a sword for your birthday. time to go fight crime!
ice agent decides he wants kids after seeing incredible love and devotion of parents begging him not to take their child
area woman will eat anything with 'tuscan' in name
gears of war crimes court finds 2006 locust horde massacre justified
cnn anchor interviews al jazeera anchor who interviewed libyan rebels
u.s. adds 4 million jobs but in st. louis
antidepressant can’t believe it’s expected to fix this mess all on its own | the onion
life: look away, bernie voters. these photoshops of bernie sanders in the white house will be too painful.
jealous gps clearly wants man to back over wife
vatican unveils new pope signal
/r/funny despised this slice of.. bronzed.. it's an oldie but a goodie!
11% of lunch eaten off sweatshirt
'army of one' campaign attracting troubled loners to military
7-year-old puts on uno face
must see: national security ftw! the department of homeland security just placed a scarecrow on top of the freedom tower to prevent another 9/11
new york introduces shoe-sharing program for city's pedestrians
white house supports military draft registration for women
news: cause for concern: north korea’s weapons division has been microwaving the same potato for 36 hours
reporters comb new orleans for heartwarming story
mass grave blasted for lack of diversity
cbs: l.a. doctors not some kind of joke
high school teaches parenting skills by having students post nonstop photos of egg to social media
an onion classic
bruce springsteen on fence about playing assad's birthday gig
trump covered in own shit after furloughed white house staff fail to bathe president
white castle crave case handcuffed to wrist
area man nervously asks girlfriend if she’ll settle
north korean prisoners temporarily put into american detention camp to help ease shock of return
yin making inroads on yang
gorilla sales skyrocket after latest gorilla attack
clinton goes back in time, teams up with golden-age clinton
life: it’s called chrysalis sessions, and it’s a music festival where the ultra-wealthy get to crawl inside the musicians while they play
presumptuous congressional freshman thinks she can just come in and represent constituents
nature films: do they glamorize molting?
83rd birthday party stretches definition of party
husband still faithful after 42 years of trying to cheat
report: it unclear whether opposition from every sector of american society will have any effect on healthcare bill passing
milosevic dreams he's slaughtering ethnic albanians in his underwear
report: caucasians will soon be a minority in their own goddamn country
comeback much harsher than insult
dinty moore breaks long silence on terrorism with full-page ad
a chance for diplomacy: the u.s. state department is hoping president trump can convince queen elizabeth to stop developing nuclear weapons in her attic
house of representatives magically switches bodies with senate
tips for handling a picky eater
that's what host of 'showtime at the apollo' talking about
boyfriend's comforter an unzipped sleeping bag
résumé accidentally kept on file
movie fails to deliver stupidity promised in preview
arm & hammer representative starting to wonder what he's doing at sxsw
gary cohn resigns in protest of trump's bigoted comments towards aluminum
man at amusement park gets right back in line for another funnel cake
brutalized toothbrush wishes owner would just let it die
everything that's wrong with business in america given promotion
dnc unveils clinton institute for campaign ethics reform in response to corruption allegations
compliment goes horribly awry
report: only way nation will pay attention to climate change is if julia roberts dies in hurricane
woman with amazing rack told she has beautiful eyes
sleeping man flanked by laptop, phone, earbuds like egyptian pharaoh buried with all his treasures
wildlife experts say not climbing into gorilla enclosure likely saved man’s life
'that seems about right,' says soon-to-be-audited man
people in healthcare.gov stock photos now visibly panicking
‘sometimes it feels like you’re the only one who understands me,’ whispers trump to white house roach infestation
trump dismisses concerns over white house chaos after pack of feral dogs takes over 4th west wing room
man losing respect for incompetent boss who won't fire him
dunkin' donuts signs 10-year partnership to be exclusive food vendor of united states
extremely irritating: this annoying mom won’t stop sending her son emails every single time she sees someone from his high school on pornhub
facebook to pay users based on number of friendssquib news
fda approves new drug for treatment of social anxiety
flustered mathematician unable to recommend good number
fighting impeachment: trump has had barron bury him up to the neck in the white house lawn so that he cannot be removed from office
new michael landon biography resolves many unasked questions
pregnant wife has no idea which jonas brother she married
bernie sanders refuses flashy abc podium in favor of own humble, homemade lectern
biden invokes freedom of information act to find out when woman gets off work
clinton calls for big bucks, no whammys
area man realizes he's not the cool uncle
after-work drinks enter third excruciating minute
cutest celebrity couple ever? werner herzog and nick cannon were just spotted ‘lady and the tramp’-ing a 40-foot party sub across the border of america and germany
excited shopper decides to wear new butt plug out of store
fantasizing priest accidentally turns communion wafer into body of altar boy
candidate obama vs. president obama: who would survive?
kasich privately worried he'll never have charisma necessary to incite supporters to violent frenzy
cow worried it will never live up to father's usda rating
mike pompeo can't believe senate just expects he'll answer questions without being tortured first
area man considers self ally to women unless they threaten his status in literally any way.
pentagon allocates $600,000 for actual gun used in 'scarface'
science fiction fan increases suavity with trenchcoat
townsperson in online rpg universe figures shield, gold pieces should be safe in barrel
terrifying mutation killing off u.s. cabinet members one at a time
you can either verify whether this inspirational story is true or share it now and reap the precious social capital
area man locked in protracted battle with sweatshirt neckhole
chevron touts green initiative with hybrid-powered oil drilling platforms
new college freshman refers to dorm by actual name
relieved malia obama quietly thanks secret service agents for taking rap for her
hot, sweaty jane fonda wondering if that's the best delivery boy's got
craig kilborn weds self in private ceremony
algerian dies of natural causes
2018 the year it all going to fall into place, delusional sources report
ted cruz opens up to town hall audience about early days as larva feeding on porcupine carcass
karl lagerfeld horrified by uninspired, garish tunnel of light coming toward him
louis c.k. fan disappointed at lack of psychosexual power games in new material
blog: it’s cathartic to have a chance to speak out on the internet about my experience with sexual assault for the millionth fucking time
disappointed first-time voter thought he was going to get to pull big lever
bernie sanders repeatedly scolded for attempting to unionize debate moderators
pope cleans up dead angel who flew into sistine chapel window
something weird about local anchorman's eyes
juror way too far into trial to ask what 'contusions' are now
earliest known t-shirt found
royal family releases kate middleton ultrasound image
will monday night football cut jason witten after the analyst went 0 for 65 while talking?
progress: this video game stars a vietnam war veteran with severe ptsd
bratz movie accidentally released
cure for cancer only 10 years away, announce scientists who work better under a deadline
per tradition, ex-presidents watch obamas christen white house bed
twitch streamer completes stunning 2-minute-42-second racist rant speedrun
haunted house guests escorted into vip section where they can touch the performers
report: u.s. economy loses $20 billion annually to americans writing ideas down illegibly
nation’s overthinkers convene to determine what that’s supposed to mean
police release haircut-progressed photo of missing woman
cheney celebrates earth day by breathing oxygen
news: inspiring: this woman wasn’t born before women could vote, but she’s still pretty fucking old
'kennedy curse' claims life of 77-year-old tumor-riddled binge-drinker
empty 'about us' page leaves chinese buffet's origins shrouded in mystery
peter strzok summoned before congress again for texts calling trey gowdy 'a pissy little shithead'
40 year old has spiky hair
‘paw patrol’ writers defend episode where german shepherd cop shoots unarmed black lab 17 times in back
man searching for part of chicken tender thin enough to fit into plastic dipping sauce cup
in the know: should the government stop dumping money into a giant hole?
report: iran less than 10 years away from 2016
supreme court agrees to hear new jack white album
incredibly popular george h.w. bush funeral gets extended 2-week run
biden loses control of butterfly knife during commencement speech
offended mark meadows reminds colleagues he never once complained about capitol’s integrated drinking fountains
nation's creepy middle school gym teachers also come out in favor of circumcision
mysterious benefactor leaves coupon book to dozens of local establishments in man's mailbox
5 questions: ‘i’d love to work with keegan again, not as a comedy partner but at sears or something’: 5 questions with jordan peele
first amendment experts warn facebook banning infowars could set completely reasonable precedent for free speech
fox news reporter asks the questions others are too smart to ask
aca enrollment highest in states that voted trump
bats shooed out of nation's waterslide tunnels in preparation for summer
few years in military would have really straightened out troubled teen killed on first tour of afghanistan
nation shudders to think how mad nra would be if obama actually proposed meaningful gun control
news: executive overreach: president obama was caught using the bathroom reserved for jfk if he ever comes back to life
dozens of white houses materialize from temporal vortex as trump’s changing account of putin meeting tears apart space-time
area man accepts burden of being only person on earth who understands how world actually works
mom recommends previously unheard-of form of transportation son could take to get home
new low stooped to
pope francis delivers eucharist philly style
disgusting: isis just released a 2-star review of ‘in the aeroplane over the sea’
usa gymnastics confident they have plan in place for next time doctor sexually assaults 150 children
melania’s staff asks for privacy from president while she recuperates
kerry volunteer gets some kerry-primary victory sex
epic clapback: wendy’s posted a sassy tweet about burger king freezing its beef, and the ceo of burger king responded with a video of him killing himself
former addict celebrates 10th year of mind-numbing boredom
straight, gay service members looking forward to asking, telling come september
nation ready for its din din
obama: the future—and i’m talking, like, 35,000 years in the future—is still bright
unemployed single mother in rubio speech told candidate about her problems in confidence
nation just hoping next president can prevent country’s decline from being totally humiliating
man with eye patch in town for...business
loyal dog waits 2 full hours before consuming dead owner's face
frustrated employee no longer even trying to hide gre study books
best visual effects oscar introduced by highly acclaimed lens flare
'it was fine,' says man following visit with only people on earth who love him
television character nervous about upcoming class reunion
rice krispie treat eaten in 8" x 8" square
amazon deforestation reveals tribe of isolated rich sociopaths completely untouched by consequence
trump campaign training poll watchers to spot any suspicious skin colors on election day
do not take this quiz lightly, for you alone determine which ‘hey arnold!’ character all of mankind is
taking responsibility: mark zuckerberg has announced that any articles posted on facebook will now go through strict vetting to make sure they align with the company’s tireless commitment to generating massive amounts of revenue
man on first date cunningly leaves behind one of his fingers at woman's house
learned sage points out that powerball not as much after taxes
‘the onion’ has obtained exclusive information from jaime phillips about roy moore’s sexual indiscretions
gun goes off during life's third act
mueller gives up trying to get report published after receiving 19th literary agent rejection
report: underfunded public schools lacking basic support systems leave students perfectly prepared for rest of life
mississippi brings down yet another national average
masked vigilante takes terrorizing black community into own hands after local law enforcement fails to do so
qaddafi asks closest advisers if they think he's a bad person
officials investigating hugh hefner's death suspect foreplay
life: at it again: pope francis just tweeted a series of ambiguous quotes about not being able to trust your friends
adam sandler fans disappointed by intelligent, nuanced performance
'candy land' screenwriter under impression fans counting on him to get this right
israeli pm debuts new road map for continued strife
ruptured pudding cup at large in area backpack
epa study: rivers shouldn't smell like shit
state of the union guests sort of assumed white house would pay for them to get home
ted cruz worried all the good countries to wall off taken by other candidates
salad rendered unhealthy in three steps
nissin introduces extra-large drum noodles
the week in pictures – week of january 16, 2017
wait, what if we try giving people home loans they can’t actually afford to pay off?
bosnian gum company introduces new war-flavored gum
peta condemns bbc for trapping thousands of endangered animals inside tv screens
ergonomic advisors call for $30 million in federal lumbar support
st. patrick’s day parade excludes lgbt veterans
study: shoving, yelling makes things go faster 76% of time
child getting pretty cozy with stranger's leg
elena kagan asked straight up: 'you got what it takes?'
sudanese elephant trying to forget
the last sentence really made me laugh
once-adventurous salmon can’t believe she ended up moving back to birthplace, having a bunch of kids
researchers discover referees evolved stripes to warn predators against pass interference
mean automakers dash hope for flying cars
‘i built this,’ whispers social media manager beholding his empire of successful fuddruckers tweets
clinton bleeds to death
bangladesh factory owners vow to change nothing so that this happens again
report: bridge probably has whole mess of bats under there
possibility of eternal life: this silicon valley start-up will put your picture on a roomba after you die
8 ikea shopping hacks everyone should know
nation's dads treated to mark knopfler meet-and-greet
man crouched inside of robotic welding arm terrified robot will eventually take his job
video: shameful: man finds out the time from a clock he does not own
depression, strained finances combine forces to produce grotesque culinary abomination
news: improving airport efficiency: lax just announced that it’ll be hiring 500 new workers to yell at you in the pickup lane
movie not nearly as awful as hoped
advice to enjoy being young came out way sadder than intended
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headline with words 'hiv baby' in it somehow turns out okay
empowered man murders controlling wife in lifetime for men original movie
i don’t support feminism if it means murdering all men
david byrne holds up old suit to show how far he's come in weight loss journey
out of respect for families, horrific disaster footage repeated hourly
temp excited to begin first day as secretary of agriculture
god help me: 4 simple women from the village who have found a groom before my sweet paulinka
mike florio loses 3 fingers after accident while working at profootballtalk rumor mill
brain dead teen only capable of rolling eyes and texting to be euthanized
shakira just not feeling up to jiggling ass today
new ‘game of thrones’ teaser shows cackling, power-mad george r.r. martin burning completed ‘winds of winter’ manuscript
experts warn situation in gaza will get worse before it gets much worse
news: troubling report: u.s. intelligence agencies have concluded that if trump were secretly controlled by russia, it would be sort of badass if you think about it
life: move over, soulcycle: this spin studio motivates its students by hooking up each bike to a sick child’s life support
network programming dominated by surreality tv
u.s. assures hong kong that their protest just one of many issues white house staying silent on
deadlocked supreme court: 'someone's voting twice'
20 million americans without health care attend painful, labored march on washington
entirety of hollywood film industry replaced with 40,000 christopher plummers
portrait next to coffin most likely the deceased
all u.s. males renamed dudley
liu xiaobo - going to be pretty tough for the chinese government to kill now
area man takes metallica audio tour of art museum
the power of selling out: your customers as political capital - onion talks - ep. 9
people are inherently good,’ world halfheartedly mutters
how embarrassing.
a guide to the best weapons in ‘fifa 19’
please, warning! on this site a lot of people who want to find a sexxxy adventure!!! a
awesome: when a little girl told neil degrasse tyson she wanted to live on jupiter, he completely shut her down
steve vai impresses the hell out of neighborhood kids
'right to live life in complete, stunned horror,' added to constitution
bee practically blows its load after seeing purple coneflower in full bloom
bernie sanders announces 2020 bid
life much better thanks to recent elections
fbi convinces george clooney to wear wire during clinton fundraising dinner
black man in support of confederate flag triples his media appearance rates
head of nbc suddenly remembers he meant to cancel 'rock center' 8 weeks ago
area man busts his ass all day, and for what?
10 things only people with gauges will understand | clickhole
3m releases command self-adhesive meat hooks for serial killers trying to reduce clutter
cost of freedom at all-time high
tv guide channel tops nielsens
individuals unaware they constitute area man's support network
israeli prime minister indicted on charges of bribery, fraud
chiefs trainer squirts bottle of kc masterpiece into andy reid's mouth
son in iraq or something
man who thought he'd lost all hope loses last additional bit of hope he didn't even know he still had
gold bond spokesman grudgingly admits it makes your balls tingle
trump pours milk over bowl of skittles while settling in to watch comey hearing
teacher in cash-strapped ohio school district forced to make do with centuries-old firearms
beautiful spring day no match for last 35 years of man's life
sex with hot girls? yes?! here t_r8i6_q_a2gc
mark zuckerberg apologizes to congress for not realizing scope of his genius
nation curious after discovering mysterious, eccentric benefactor paid off country's debt in full
girl from coffee shop seen at bar with guy from record store
restaurant's nacho challenge requires participants to watch man consume 3 pounds of nachos
voter nostalgically looks back at time he was uninformed about candidates
coming clean: the world’s orchestra conductors have come together to admit their job is as easy and fun as it looks
area man bids tearful farewell to family as nfl season begins
stock market soars after investors decide that would be fun thing to make happen today
horrible band obviously not listening to its influences
after careful thought, teen applies to college where family donated building
401k enrollment form sits at bottom of desk drawer for 22 years
pope francis pursues sinner across vatican city rooftops
14 things you probably didn’t know about weezer
lying sack of shit: mom claims just having the family around for mother’s day is enough of a gift
news: the greatest of all time: michael phelps outswam a horse last night on live tv
miracle of birth occurs for 83 billionth time
area ostrich lashes out against unnecessarily restrictive zoning laws
scientists move doomsday clock forward one minute after roseanne barr tweet
prince harry shows guest to air mattress in corner of windsor castle
cory booker, kamala harris, elizabeth warren assure dreamers they’ll never stop fighting for the 2020 nomination
nation solemnly recalls horrors of 9/11 15th anniversary
man cuts eu flag after banning memes
audubon society revokes black-capped chickadee's membership after species fails to pay dues
melania trump looks down on husband from gallery with loving grimace
so embarrassing: this girl who left math class to go to the bathroom for 20 minutes was clearly giving birth to octuplets
life: heartbreaking: this high school boy is relentlessly bullied just for carrying an ar-15 to school every day
romney requiring potential running mates to write 5,000 word essay on favorite things about money
barry pepper getting by
more people should have donated: wikipedia has announced they will be forced to take down their entry for ‘ostrich’ due to lack of funding
quiz: can you tell which of these people with flyswatters are trying to kill a bug and which are just holding them up to brag?
few animals harmed in making of film
authorities not even going to bother looking for motive behind oregon shooting
gop candidates fiercely divided over how much voltage border wall should be electrified with
ugly custody battle over ian mckellen narrowly avoided
apocalypto star wants to show he can do mayan comedy
new hobby to tide retired man over until death
new nfl policy requires all players to honor patriotic spirit of subservience that american flag represents
colombian teen going through anti-government guerilla phase
duke anthropology professor devastated to learn promising student dropping out
the onion reviews ‘pet sematary’
report: country that might shut down because president wants big wall somehow considered best in the world
poll: 68% of americans believe lee harvey oswald acted like asshole
nasa delays shuttle launch out of sheer habit
double-entendre doesn't stand up to scrutiny
north american children begin summer migration to dad's
coworker obsessively checks e-mail every couple of minutes
study: no two people have listened to same band since 2003
kennedy space center displays suit worn by buzz aldrin while lobbying for nasa funding
black and decker introduces new 72-inch tree whacker
which jackson will dominate next year's headlines?
secretary masks deep depression with laughter during office banter
content writer awkwardly shows parents around website where he works
girlfriend dumped after forwarding stupid link
cutest guy in whole office not even particularly attractive
*i am nika! i neeed a sssex!* a
vulture feeling nauseous after eating bad rotting deer carcass
report: increase in gun sales to be most concrete result of obama’s pro-gun-control speech
trump solemnly lays wreath at site where he would have died during vietnam war if he weren't rich
no one else but you invited to creepy dave's debate party
dad can’t believe lawn didn’t get him anything for father’s day
blog: i am ashamed to admit that i was patient zero for swine flu (by santa claus)
‘men are not oppressed,’ says woman who has no idea what it like to take two whole escalators to get to your clothing section at zara
horrible facebook algorithm accident results in exposure to new ideas
trump relaxes after debate by slipping back into nice, warm personal reality
guests emerge shell-shocked from rich people's wedding
new office manager provides terrifying glimpse into plans for regime by placing new collection of teas in drawer
interim cia director assures nation he engages in no sexual activity whatsoever
boss alludes to 'crunch time'
hire of local moron gives nation hope for employment
person sitting in parked car at 2:00 a.m. probably upstanding member of community
new altar boy clearly not ready for spotlight of 10 a.m. sunday mass
this obviously aliens’ first abduction
life: beautiful: when this terminally ill child’s last wish was to see ‘jurassic world 2,’ chris pratt reached out to tell him that it’s pretty standard sequel fare
newborn prince of cambridge begins consolidating power by having family imprisoned in tower of london
new study finds earth’s core will be most habitable part of planet by 2060
report: average person spends 18 hours standing at bar deciding what to drink
horrified pope calls philadelphia humanity's greatest sin against god
less popular friend proposes combining birthdays into single party
tips for speed reading
area family awakes to find michelle obama tending backyard garden
lawrence the t-1 connection guy hit of white-collar comedy tour
spy drone struggling to assimilate back into civilian life
jeff bridges seated directly behind support column at golden globes
dripping wet 7-year-old gets on hotel elevator
computer analyst unable to fashion crude tools, grind wheat
pope francis offers molested kids 10% off at vatican city gift shop
family relieved to hear good grandma didn't die
company's employees spend entire day touching base
small-town residents come together for arby's raising
nation to wait for more facts on texas shooting before doing absolutely nothing about it
tips for playing ‘rage 2’
u.s. soldiers ask rumsfeld if they could get surprise visit from loved ones instead
news: avoiding conflicts of interest: donald trump says that from now on, if he tries to access any of his businesses, a chip in mike pence’s skull will detonate
u.n. aid workers distributing food to malnourished kfc customers
after careful consideration, bush recommends oil drilling
rnc attendee excited to find out what he'll get to boo tonight
man just wants one trip to laundromat where he doesn't meet perfect woman
boehner resignation leaves massive leadership vacuum in congress intact
'could've been me,' grumbles merrick garland watching gorsuch hearings at bar with fellow highway maintenance workers
researchers discover female frogs prefer mate who knows way around the cloaca
zell miller named first secretary of offense
fan disappointed to learn l. ron hubbard scientologist
god: ‘fuck russell wilson’
excited white house staffer sends parents 'new york times' article quoting her as anonymous source
obama up early cooking breakfast in one of michelle's extra long t-shirts
efficiency win: heinz has eliminated all their executive positions after realizing all they need is a couple factory guys to make ketchup
drunken man careens wildly across internet
pope francis canonizes single turkey in annual vatican tradition
news: genetic mystery: spending a year in space has left astronaut scott kelly with a much funnier way of saying ‘check, please!’ than his identical twin brother
medical breakthrough: when this man’s hulk hands were destroyed in a car accident, doctors built him state-of-the-art prosthetic hulk hands
glaad to honor any mainstream film that gets one thing right about being gay
i’ve proven myself as an artist, so now i’m going to be a forklift
prison warden appears on leno with some of his favorite prisoners
god angrily clarifies 'don't kill' rule
crunch 'n' munch increases crunchiness, munchability
sensei's assistant really getting his ass whipped
bags under tommy lee jones' eyes causing him neck problems
voters excited to use midterms to put country back on different wrong track
enraged character in stageplay to be unconvincingly restrained by other actors
area christian forgives you
scientists find human vocal cords developed over millennia to lower voice when speculating on acquaintance's sexual orientation
report: 58% of world's japanese speakers white 23-year-old american males
millions across country celebrate 'make a kid at work' day
fall internship pays off with coveted winter internship
women's strike a sobering reality check for subway masturbator
delta airlines counter agent assures man he will never see his family again
senator forms subcommittee for the watching of lost
breaking: wait—sorry, false alarm
westminster dog show finalists form elite iditarod team
inaccuracy of every single detail forces student paper to pull story at last minute
nobody knows what third light switch does
report: most effective marketing technique still giving out little versions of product
first-grader given sticker for behavior during lockdown drill
calling all resistance members! roe v. wade is in danger! we need you to yell at jill stein about the 2016 election!
that chinese girl in office: 'i am not chinese'
'new york times' rehires judith miller to cover escalating iran tensions
stressed-out 8-year-old looks 12
peripheral acquaintance casually mentions she was molested
excited nation already lining up outside irs offices in anticipation of tax day
old friend avoided in hometown convenience store
office manager forced to resort to unfriendly reminders
bill gates spends $56 million on amazon in one night
extra strip of wrapping paper taped over present's weird edge
5-year-old admits it pretty messed up spider-man visiting his birthday party when he could be out saving lives
coworker running ncaa tournament pool really relishing his one week of significance
report: annie sabatino's boyfriend like 23 or something
worldwide jewish conspiracy worried it came down too hard on jeff yesterday
pants attempt to convey what owner can't
fingernail got fucking huge out of nowhere
confusing insult awkwardly clarified
man humiliated by wi-fi's poor behavior in front of guests
facebook offering new profile frame to let friends know you stopped scrolling briefly to look at disaster photos and felt sorta bad
supreme court rules in favor of most buck-wild pride parade nation’s ever seen
burger king introduces new healthy deep-steamed french fries
wendy's wants consumers to know it's fine with gays, disapproves of interracial marriage
inside: america's love affair with neurotic jewry
national association advances colored person
report: most americans can't even name their state's shadow lord
bill belichick keeping warm on sideline in deer carcass
area woman can't understand concept of suggested donation
me and my girlfriend spend time here. free registration. l97fq1
parents' visit injects $66 into local apartment economy
aw, fer crying out loud!
old bastard, dirty bastard, dirty old bastard, ol' dirty bastard
opening band issues two-more-songs warning
heartbreaking yelp review says it's just nice to eat a meal around other people
coworker insists on describing entire plot of old spice commercial
so kind: when this group of middle school boys saw an old man sitting alone at a restaurant, they generously informed him of all the things he be lookin’ like
groceries strategically placed around checkout conveyor belt's wet spots
obvious nepotism: this 5-year-old boy was just appointed grocery shopping helper by his own parents
report: 79% of sincere thoughts played off as jokes
body positivity ftw! 5 empowering celebrity quotes about how your body’s bulbus secondary gorb-receptor is beautiful even if it is not perfectly square
paul simon wondering how one goes about getting a column on 'the huffington post'
nation's older brothers recommend not being such a little bitch
resolute congress passes second amendment again
20-something thinking about maybe doing something funny with his facial hair
new poll finds 80% of americans would just fucking destroy pan of brownies
jenny mccarthy lured to fox network by bright light
cosmopolitan releases 5 sexy helen gurley brown obituaries to drive your man wild
aspca report warns that many americans are not giving their dogs correct name
hollywood diet secrets fall into non-celebrity hands
post-tour taylor swift slips into brian wilson-esque lethargy
authorities warn denver residents in direct path of 2037 hurricane alba
they said what?!: find out what ariana grande, david blaine, and shailene woodley have to say
white house running out of paintings to cover spots where obama has punched through wall
books vs. e-readers: a side-by-side comparison
indian sweatshop worker has to work in the fucking dark now too
woman longs for day when first female president can have tell-all book written about disgusting vagina
progressive charter school doesn't have students
internal weakness openly shared with coworkers
man who skipped airport's moving walkway immediately realizes what an arrogant fool he's been
george zimmerman's attorney opens second day of trial with trayvon martin impression
olympic torch used to ignite tibetan protesters
report: ground still least desirable surface for breaking fall
exhausted olympians wake up early to repeat opening ceremony for american time zones
attorney, client privileged
day spent on internet comes full circle
child promised he can go right back to video game after giving dying grandfather one last hug
life: breaking it gently: patreon is adding a new feature that lets you quietly inform someone you were only supporting their art to be nice
ice sends agents home with sacks of flour to practice what it like detaining real baby
this absolutely the last time bouncer cleans up vomit
moderators give marco rubio 90 seconds to deliver closing statement of campaign
affair to threaten whatever it is john edwards does for a living
u.s. intelligence: burundi may be developing telephone
colgate unveils new dental grout to fill in gaps between teeth
amazing 'human fly' lives off diet of garbage
backstreet boys become backstreet men in backstreet ritual
warning on police body camera footage cautions viewer they about to see pretty much exactly what they'd expect
ah, christ. not another bladder full of urine.
man who temporarily disables facebook account deems self 'off the grid'
quiz: do you know why you’re grounded?
new 'game of thrones' trailer reveals final season will be cobbled together from old footage
teacher's lounge the site of 5 separate emotional breakdowns today
political scientists reassure americans that stripping minorities of citizenship usually where descent into fascism peters out
local water tower celebrates 50th year as repository of information on who is a slut
nitroglycerin chex gingerly pulled from shelves
oven preheated for 16 seconds
stoners announce plans to get stoned for that
condom indicted on 400 million counts of spermicide
city of baltimore targeting young professionals with new ‘you get used to it’ campaign
report: only 1 in 3 preschool graduates has necessary animal sound skills upon entering zoo
junk mail locked back inside letterbox until something more important delivered
france, india, brazil among dozens of governments to fall as riots in support of onion social increase globally
tearful justify holds press conference blaming failed drug test on contaminated salt lick
kid rock starves to death
dante, virgil to tour l.a.
woman's solo hiking trip shockingly doesn't have to do with inner journey or anything
national zoo announces giant pandas to divorce
report: well, here we go
new report finds americans most interested in science when moon looks different than usual
clinton dragged up on stage to sing 'sweet home alabama' with the band
r&b singer guesses she'll just keep moaning into mic until song is over
video: better safe than sorry: watch this man hide under a pile of laundry just in case his tennis teacher is coming to yell at him
life: get a grip, girl: this woman has spent the last 8 hours in a sephora, wearing a sephora shirt, obsessively talking about sephora products
isis operatives destroy hofner bass guitar signed by paul mccartney
aclu stresses that it legal to film garbage men in all 50 states if you really need to
new movie taps into nation's love of rapping kangaroos
all-beef patty 70 percent beef
secret service adds emotional protection division to safeguard trump’s psyche
boss waxes nostalgic about sexual-harassment suit
mozambique out of toilet paper
don king enjoys grandilomentitudinous sandwich
candidates preparing for colorado debate conditions with high-altitude speaking drills
inclusive new texas bill prevents gun sellers from discriminating on basis of background check
disappointing: nasa just announced that all the water they thought was on mars is just normal human blood
sweatshop laborer's child loves her irregular finding nemo sweatshirt
dad gets dolled up for trip to lowe's
man unsure whether to tip bathroom attendant just for wiping his ass
royal baby has father's eyes
cheney clotheslines aide
management consultant to consult with management
navy admiral thinks he's 'mr. important'
fan can't believe he left 11 seconds into ronda rousey fight
george h.w. bush hasn't seen anyone from his secret service detail in years
man going to restroom deputizes friend to order him another beer
obama to create 17 new jobs by resigning and finally opening that restaurant
did ‘sesame street’ go too far yesterday when big bird ate an american flag?
last thing government worker needed was agency labeling him ‘nonessential’
convention crowd really hoping bill clinton breaks tension with joke about how terrible he looks
defiant pelosi begins swimming to afghanistan after trump denies use of government plane
my favorite: new marijuana study confirms everyone knows you're high and you'll be stoned forever.
5 things to know about mt. everest
man who encourages child's destructive id referred to as 'good with kids'
man feels less guilty about gentrifying eastern european neighborhood
missing white girl drives missing black girl from headlines
coke party takes a couple minutes to get going
exhausted mueller trying to find trump organization russia documents amid thousands of harassment lawsuits
onion explains: the israeli-palestinian conflict
how long do you think shitting takes? this girl just brought 3 books and a tablet with her into the bathroom to poop
retired couple realizes dream of buying camper, driving around country murdering hitchhikers
local building too wheelchair-friendly
did ‘sesame street’ go too far when it showed bert and ernie dragging their human puppeteer dead behind the back of their car to teach children about mutiny?
criminal mad that man called the cops on him
greenpeace decides northern spotted owl 'not worth the trouble anymore'
internet pop-up quiz insulting
trump assures kurds there will one day be very nice tree planted in d.c. commemorating their deaths
media outlets pledge evenhanded criticism of trump, clinton over next 4 years
marketing department under impression keebler elves a beloved part of american culture
lonesome alito declares marriage only between a man and the sea
stripper does adequate job
local history museum really digging deep to fill 2 15-by-20-foot rooms
horrifying doll sitting on neighbor's porch whether it's halloween or not
restaurant entrance doesn’t work all damn day to be called ‘other door’
'no, no, dear god no,' mumbles powerball presenter after drawing pitch-black ball
should the browns use the first overall pick on a once-in-a-generation long snapper?
ivy-covered home like that on inside too
dozens dead in chicago-area meatwave
4 cap’n crunch commercials where the cap’n crashes his ship into a house and starts going through all the drawers without crunchatizing anyone
cdc issues warning of full-blown epidemic of the blahs
sweetie, as you get older, your body becomes more shameful
transition team assures public trump has too many conflicts of interest to favor any specific one
holocaust survivors recall exact day holocaust started right out of the blue
study finds 80 percent of facial hair being silently judged at any one time
might as well forfeit: the girls on the other volleyball team all have matching french braids
world's jews celebrate christmas with ceremonial re-murdering of christ
move to houseboat regretted by third day
news: visionary: jared kushner has announced plans to heal a divided america with a blockbuster comedy he’s writing called ‘boss-in-law’
beautiful moment: woman comes out to the pair of arms growing out of her wall and they start applauding
how many of these npr shows have you listened to during your commute?
fall canceled after 3 billion seasons
obama tells nation to just chalk up today as loss
archaeologists discover world's first guy named marty
zagat editor a 'nice guy' but 'kind of boring'
'we will not repeat the mistakes of the 2016 election,' vows nation still using internet
free-thinking cat shits outside the box
news: major scandal: gregg popovich is taking an indefinite leave from coaching after admitting to taking home a basketball for personal use
they said what?!: find out what willie nelson, lin-manuel miranda, and emeril lagasse have to say
new acnefree treatment ships teens to remote island colony for remainder of puberty
they said what?!: find out what rosie perez, ken burns, and michael douglas have to say
gap unveils lightweight linen gift card for summer
man who spent last 2 years drawing pictures of trump and putin making out beginning to realize just how wrong he’s been
dolphin spends amazing vacation swimming with stockbroker
offended mark meadows reminds colleagues he never once complained about capitol's integrated drinking fountains
area woman said 'sorry' 118 times yesterday
radical islamic extremists snowboard into u.s. embassy
once mighty super bowl commercial now sad, pathetic 'price is right' commercial
texas instruments announces new plug-and-play ti-83 classic
cops cleared on corruption charges after implicating decorated police dog
campus tour guides reminded to use official name for rape hall
jeffrey epstein free to visit earth 6 days a week under terms of sweetheart afterlife deal
facebook vows not to hand over users' medical records to government
fbi deputy director touched by heavily redacted farewell card from bureau coworkers
social media startup looking for smug little fuck to take leadership role
new employee finally around long enough to be deemed incompetent
nation dutifully gets in cars, stands in line, watches new star wars movie
man at airport pissed that other people had same idea to go home for thanksgiving | the onion - america's finest news source
bernie sanders holds secret campaign meeting with 15,000 working-class democratic donors
asimo tricked into falling down stairs
area woman worried she's forgetting what heath ledger looked like
promotional jacket worn everywhere
mom just called to say hi and that she's very sad
biden sadly realizes this could be last time he throws lit firecracker into press conference
prestigious university touts racial diversity of dining hall staff
big win for safety: dole will start putting warnings on its pineapples to discourage customers from running back into burning buildings to save them
mike pence has long heart-to-heart with staffer who came to work with coffee on breath
man hates it when other guys treat his girlfriend with respect
economy given big boost by ramadan shopping season
10 famous quotes that don’t mean what you think they do
video game boss thinking he should get big glowing weak spot on back checked out
least corrupt politician in illinois history sentenced to 14 years in prison
life: 10 little everyday things you can do to help the environment
t-mobile announces wireless service now covers 70% of your apartment
giuliani: ‘when the going gets tough, i can always look back fondly on the events of 9/11’
furious meghan markle can’t believe harry hasn’t told family she’s black yet
alaskan gray wolf can't believe no one told him he's got snow on nose
a somber moment: cubs fans all over the world are still too sad about princess diana to celebrate the cubs'€™ world series
shadow government getting too large to meet in marriott conference room b
romney stands behind ryan to show good campaigning stance
dhs sets security alert level to green for 8 seconds
nation happily reassured that exxonmobil made profits of $44.9 billion in 2012
nutritionists reveal humans with proper diet should not be defecating
ecuadorian embassy runs ad seeking 'no drama' tenant for newly vacant room
assisted care facility hits grand fucking slam with little styrofoam cups of sherbet | the onion - america's finest news source
alcoholic father disappointed in pothead son
16 goddamn deer i accidentally hit on my way out of the movie theater parking lot
who are the deeply disturbed individuals in trump's inner circle?
rodeo clown bleeding on the inside
new study finds majority of god's blessings burn up on entry into atmosphere
news: down to the wire: the eagles are currently leading 41 to 33 as they head into the essay portion of the super bowl
beijing fire department extinguishes massive five-alarm burning cloud of smog
mother feels a little validated after daughter who stayed out late gets murdered
diabetic 8-year-old throws worst birthday party ever
plane delay leaves hundreds whiny
only jewish kid in class asked to talk about holocaust remembrance day
twelve more pie-fucking movies in the works
slide-whistleblower complaint reveals trump’s pants around ankles
yeti releases abdominable crunch workout video
country cd put on to impress repair guy
12 publicists dead, 43 injured in struggle to transform the rock into dwayne johnson
guard gives death row inmate every chance to end life before they try new execution drug on him
report: those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time
pregame foolishly squandered on actually planning out evening
city of chicago working around clock to clear 18 inches of bullet casings from streets
depressed mueller wonders what it is about him that makes everyone lie to him
mom wants one of those things your sister has for christmas
man discovers huge cache of rare fossils while walking through natural history museum
elderly couple to try peacefully dying together again tonight
governor approves 24-hour waiting period for women voters
star wars news net joins hundreds of publications in condemning trump's attacks on the press
james comey quickly reopens clinton email investigation for few more minutes
mother of slaying victim glad it was onion reporter who knocked on her door half an hour after funeral
gay comptroller tired of being referred to as 'that gay comptroller'
millionaire thinks of self as upper-middle class
bill cosby attacks disrespectful behavior, skyrocketing crime rate among elderly black male comedians
by the time bryce harper's 13-year contract expires, hank will be a lonely, old, useless relic
nation not about to start giving a shit about canadian politics
panicking mitch mcconnell shoves entire senate healthcare bill into mouth as democrat walks past
pet winterized
blood-soaked mayor bloomberg announces homelessness no longer a problem in new york city
poll finds declining number of americans believe they god
defiant evangelicals branch off into new 'first molestist' sub-denomination
visit home referred to as vacation by parents
‘the onion’ formally invites all oscars attendees to our official after-party in the village of sakteng, bhutan
quaker releases new plain flavor-blasted rice cakes
white house staff frantically shredding trump campaign aides
trump slammed for signing john mccain defense bill without praising how many people it will kill
heartwarming: dick’s sporting goods is giving free baseball bats to scorned women who just caught their good-for-nothin’ boyfriends cheating on them
report: white house overruled intelligence officials for rejecting saudi prince's top secret security clearance
yellow cross receives record 10,000 liters of urine donations
boss' threats hilarious
report: nation's ditches overflowing with children of worried parents
non-alcoholic beer inventor unveils new non-adhesive glue
life: respect ftw: cinemark theatres is offering an additional 10% off to seniors who really look like shit
stunning map shows just how much of iraq and syria vice now controls
shower head snarls like vicious jungle cat before turning on
sins of the father: man’s daughter’s head gets smaller every time he lies about the plot of ‘breaking bad’
group of friends chanting ‘shots’ make compelling point
customer service operator safely in remote location
mom $15,000 in the hole with ceramic frog dealer
justice department calls on ferguson to align level of institutional racism with rest of country
mccain courts youth vote with lengthy speech on forbearance, morality
trump boys swallow luggage keys in case they get locked up in jail and need to escape
early humans finally drunk enough to invent dancing
peeps unveils new boneless, skinless marshmallow breasts
news: end of an era: the yakuza has announced that it is switching from committing crimes to babysitting
hahah funny!hahah funny!hahah funny!hahah funny! i
white house announces sasha obama to now be played by britney watkins
gamestop somehow selling used version of game day after it comes out
queen bun gives birth to thousands of tiny rolls
new antidepressant makes friends' problems seem worse
tea party congressman listens to constituent who wears thomas jefferson costume everywhere
'after earth ii' tanks at box office
man overjoyed he no longer has to purchase entire day’s worth of egg mcmuffins in morning
life: the u.s. army has mistakenly declared war on wakanda 17 times: everything you need to know about ‘black panther’
over 417,000 hours of private presidential conversations discovered after no one remembered to turn off richard nixon's tape recorder
area man croatian?
new miami-based tuna is cuban-safe
‘incredibles 2’ forced to take out grisly cannibalism scene in order to secure pg rating
genuine love and respect only thing holding area relationship together
aww: animal experts are saying cats really do miss their owners if that’s what you need to hear
government to confiscate one person’s guns just to make rest of them squirm
man too deep into sentence to avoid saying word he can’t pronounce
economy of vacation town apparently entirely run by overwhelmed high schoolers
garden too much for grandma this summer
palestinians prepare for massive ground invasion
more corporations using tag and release programs to study american consumers
review: ‘crash team racing nitro-fueled’ delivers speed, savagery, and fun i haven’t felt since my third dui
sanders supporters viciously attack bernie sanders after he criticizes mistakes of 2016 sanders campaign
new walgreens facebook plugin allows users to see what prescriptions friends are picking up
news: too little, too late: roger ailes has put up signs denouncing sexual harassment in the town hall of his miniature train set
local man almost finished collecting fantasy football winnings from 2005
tide debuts new sour apple detergent pods
american voices: pope francis considering female deacons
last 12 years a real wake-up call for area man
class of '88 reunion attendees once again trick sue thorpe into thinking jeff urban likes her
white supremacist writing manifesto wonders if he relying too much on easy racial stereotypes
community garden sprouts first condom wrapper of spring
new free-range slaughterhouse allows livestock to roam freely on killing floor
mom can't wait for halloween episode of 'the big bang theory'
nation’s schools to ensure bullied transgender students hide in stalls of bathrooms corresponding to biological sex
area man may have lied about having sex
maybe i can impress her with my holy grail quotes
these people reminisce about the first time they understood the joke of bart simpson (rude)
class clown has nothing on wilmot proviso
five minutes of watching indian channel leads to five hours of watching indian channel
new pfizer breakthrough miraculously extends lifespan of near-death patents
very boring :( i'll have fun here, but for registred and only.. xvvze0
life: in the interest of angelina and brad’s privacy, here are 7 photos of me at the bank
obama always freaked out by people standing above him smiling whenever he signs bill
justin timberlake tells jessica biel no one will believe her
news: troubling sign: donald trump is shaking hands with a pig that has “corruption” written on it and is holding a bag that reads “kickbacks”
entire precinct made up of loose cannons
alarming report finds hundreds of items still not available in s'mores flavor
news: shots fired: spalding just warned tropicana to never breed oranges even close to the size of basketballs
man carefully settles on backup channel for when airing of ‘gladiator’ goes to commercial
does strange death curse haunt cast of gone with the wind?
vatican on sex abuse report: ‘listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest’
iran promises to end nuclear program in exchange for detailed diagram of atomic bomb
increasingly cocky bernie sanders announces he won't take donations over 27 cents
guy who died playing ‘league of legends’ in internet café really starting to ruin game for other patrons
chuck schumer condemns mitch mcconnell for being way better at this than him
koch brothers encouraging youth to make voices heard by registering super pac
fatal school bus crash cements bff status
last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker really squandering species’ final weeks
new biodiversity program busses in species from outside ecosystems
jimmy buffett pays for own drink for first time in 17 years
area plant proudly displays leaf
clinton blasts obama for slamming edwards jab
anne hathaway, james franco spend every moment of oscars tearing into jesse eisenberg
logan paul: 'i didn’t realize people who commit suicide kill themselves'
clothes come to forefront as major theme in this year’s new york fashion week
universe ends as god wakes up next to suzanne pleshette
elderly woman begins freezing meals husband can eat while she's passed away
jeb bush campaign kicks off 3-state farewell tour with iowa town hall meeting
area woman finally uploads all 12 million pictures of her vacation to europe on facebook
can the american idol 2  winner end kelly clarkson's pop-chart dominance?
james bond fans concerned after learning new film’s shooting locations all in new hampshire | the onion - america's finest news source
group of '90s footnotes welcomes gingrich home
make-a-reasonable-request foundation provides sick child with decent seats to minnesota timberwolves game
parents finally tell 2-year-old about 9/11
acid trip better planned than vacation
skywriter trailed by skyeditor
freeloading refugee children taking up thousands of prison cells meant for real americans
r.l. stine admits every book he's written directly dictated to him by god
nigeria may be a developing nation, but it is rich in culture vs. get me out of this godforsaken hellhole
sierra club withdraws support of controversial fern
report: some small town enjoying last days of anonymity before harrowing tragedy
how make 13 000 in 25 days without spending a dime? cw_9_8pr
harry potter books spark rise in satanism among children
maxim skimmed
report: 98% of german sexual intercourse uploaded to pornhub
years of networking, glad-handing sabotaged by coworker's good idea
working artist has developed thick skin for sound career advice
dementia patient’s family keeps ripping her away from idyllic world of 1950s
senator baucus shows rest of congress where he found the dead body
family kidnaps ‘too nice’ child at gunpoint to teach ‘stranger danger’
new urban visor blocks out the poor
this is hot vs this is shlt
stock-photo model scout sees something special in man in business suit crossing arms
prom date arrives in freshly washed pickup
your high school boyfriend still smoking cigarettes in the field behind school
comic-con once again marred by increasingly popular bully-con
ultrasound technician asks pregnant woman if she'd like to know baby's name
man getting futon all dolled up for craigslist photo shoot
nation exhibits strange preoccupation with manner in which food is processed
friend's excuses for why he can't hang out getting more sophisticated over time
news: helping all americans: the gop tax cuts are set to benefit working-class mothers earning $25,000 a year who are married to the entire wells fargo board of directors
hacker just going to fix a few annoying typos on company's website before stealing customer data
terrifying server whole-heartedly cares about guests' dining experience
iphone 6 plus vs. samsung galaxy s5
roomba thrown out of home after being caught staring at sleeping daughter
food network goes off air after every possible iteration of ingredient combinations completed
god admits heaven was way cooler in the '70s
disney begins uploading obama's consciousness to hall of presidents robot
25 million onion social users run into glorious flames of headquarters in hopes of using website one last time
report: media coverage of bear attacks may be biased
5-year-old admits it pretty messed up up spider-man visiting his birthday party when he could be out saving lives
nra calls for department of education to provide every student with body bag
men who robbed delivery person got chinese food, but no cash, hillside cops say
frustrated obama writes letter to his congressman about need for gun control
life: inspiring: this shelter helps women leave their abusive husbands by training them to pull off the greatest casino heist vegas has ever seen
used-bookstore owner rises from chair
undertaker's last few embalmings before summer vacation always a little sloppy
office manager still undecided about sharpie redesign
college freshman decides to be lanyard-wearing kind
cuban army honors fidel castro with 21-gun firing squad
michael phelps proudly describes how infant son subsists off 12,000 calories’ worth of breast milk per day
meet the other baldwin brother, james!
every bill reminds congressman of ex-wife
previous pulitzer winners: 'feels so hollow knowing there are far more deserving institutions'
‘en passant,’ whispers mueller as he knocks another pawn off chessboard in shadowy, dimly lit office
officials struggling to condense trump's intelligence briefing down to one word
former trump advisor carter page found dumb in d.c. hotel room
cafepress.com announces sweeping privacy changes after improperly sharing the t-shirt sizes of millions of americans
pathetic 4-year-old needs father to stand on merry-go-round platform for entire ride
biden busted in dnc parking lot selling bootleg ‘i’m with her’ t-shirts
gmail user pities hotmail user
tv commercial for beverage features woefully reckless pouring technique
trump unveils plan to address migrants with new open-fire policy
john f. kennedy makes rare appearance at kennedy center honors
san diego county app warns of evacuations because of 'fire in your pants'
american life turns into bad jerry bruckheimer movie
drunken man careens wildly across internet | the onion - america's finest news source
local grandmother beginning to realize family never even looked for better nursing home
dog breeders issue mass recall of ‘07 pugs
abc camera immediately cuts away after showing harvey weinstein sitting at oscars
grandmother palms grandson $10 like she fixing boxing match
clinton vetoes 'stab clinton' bill
viewers annoyed episode of ‘the bachelorette’ interrupted just to announce person who will set back social progress 40 years
6 startling before and after photos of meth users
new rap song samples 'billie jean' in its entirety, adds nothing
report: majority of pay phone conversations begin, end in tears
bill clinton starts own presidential school
area facebook user incredibly stupid
the onion's 404 page
bold new rebrand: the u.s. military’s new official slogan is now ‘toot toot honk honk army’
carbon-monoxide detector with snooze button recalled
new psychedelic weight loss drug transforms food into monstrous hallucinations
report: 250 million americans still need guests on their podcasts this week
weird debate viewer using tonight to inform herself about candidates' policy stances
touching tribute: nintendo is finally adding a grass-type pokémon based on james gandolfini
scientists determine tingling sensation of asmr caused by mass brain cell die-off
man who threatened to move to canada before election still here
car rolls up to stoplight blasting google maps directions
blog: once we can recognize that all bodies are beautiful, we’ll be able to appreciate super-hot bodies even more
what is the alt-right?
depressed businessman takes 16 power naps a day
'why can i never seem to say the right thing?' weeps trump into pillow
poll: bullshit is most important issue for 2008 voters
mother constantly worried about son stationed on u.s. military base
life: 6 signs your realtor is trying to sell you a house where two sloths have had sex
how every onion article should be read:
presidential debate to be accompanied by sultry latin beat
new six flags ride based on relationship with deborah
alcoholic parent easy to shop for
single woman would love to hear them call her lonely now that she has basil plant
meet the brilliant 12-year-old hacker who breached the bud light website’s impregnable age verification firewall
area man a walking encyclopedia of everything except leading a normal life
obama camp vows to win neighborhoods where romney staffers are too afraid to go
newly discovered journal entries reveal sacagawea's repeated attempts to ditch lewis and clark
astrologer shailendra jaiswal
mom leaves sweet little note for sixth-grader in add prescription bottle
nation rallies around ronald mcdonald statue that embodies country's true heritage
going out to dinner with food-loving friend a huge ordeal
area man to try showering at night
‘i’ll have to obstruct one last thing,’ whispers jared kushner before wrapping gloved hands around mueller’s neck
clinton tests positive for presidency-enhancing drugs
senior citizens discuss merits of county-clerk candidates
take that, drumpf! british protesters flew a trump baby balloon to symbolize that he is full of innocent love and infinite curiosity
no one speculating about family matters series finale
sean spicer announces there only enough time left in career for couple more questions
new legislation would shut down u.s. education system, give each american student $3,000 to start own small business
fanatically devoted nerd could potentially turn on simon pegg at any moment
nation's sane people to nation's insane people: 'please stop shooting us'
life-saving drug more accessible to lab rat than majority of americans
ron paul withholding presidential endorsement until true libertarian candidate enters race
g7 unable to get deposit back on shipment of 'g8 summer getaway' t-shirts
news: whatever it takes: the steroid scandal in olympic dressage
trump warns removing confederate statues could be slippery slope to eliminating racism entirely
alderman has that zoning dream again
conservationists attempting to get head start on mars
'squi' rockets to most popular baby name of 2018
tense party enters third hour of unplayed acoustic guitar leaning against wall
news: so cool! obama just invited the kids from ‘stranger things’ to join the army
report: male hair loss 7 times more painful than childbirth
least popular guy at house party really hitting it off with dog
smash bros ultimate will allow characters to punch themselves in the face to freak out opponents
wolf blitzer decks boston man who hasn't been healed by red sox baseball
rural working-class archbishops come out in droves to welcome trump to vatican
painted-over spot on public bathroom wall must conceal some really fucked-up graffiti
reason man turning to religion later in life must be horrifying
area woman to celebrate quiet women's history month at home this year
exasperated huckabee sanders reminds press corps that children under 14 can’t feel pain
onion social ceo promises algorithm will now automatically label racist, sexist content as 'debatable'
struggling media company almost desperate enough to hire someone qualified for job
chocolate pudding up $2 a barrel
amc bob hope retrospective ready to go
louie anderson now available in pasta form
video: saying goodbye: man finally turns all 50 pictures of jared fogle in his house toward the wall
gazebo underutilized
drumpf’s complicity in israel’s brutal attacks on palestinians is yet another example of the gop taking credit for obama’s hard work
an important message: this man with a top hat and twisty mustache is visiting schools warning students about the dangers of piloting hot air balloons under the influence of dr. fixit’s vigor-inducing delousing tonic and quaffable cure-all
who's fucking - issac and doris [video]
redundancy built into tv show to protect against failure
why don'€™t people like hillary clinton?
area ceo doesn't have time for this shit
nation's couples descend on nation's rotating restaurants
man unknowingly purchases lifetime supply of condoms
man hoping girlfriend doesn't notice valentine's day gift came from gas station
nasa calls it a mission as curiosity rover fills up whole 2-gigabyte memory card
7 of the world’s deadliest snakes who would be no match for my lawn mower
nation demands nasa stop holding press conferences until they discover some little alien guys
heartbreaking: this old woman’s family put her in a nursing home and now john stamos hardly ever comes by to have sex with her
‘fuck it, we’re done,’ say scientists
paul ryan calls on trump to take dismantling of america more seriously
couple starting to feel like they just don't have any tv shows in common
life: amazing: a team of scientists just found perfectly good hardwood floors beneath the earth’s crust
panicking trump trying to recall recent affairs he’s had after spotting baby balloon in london protest crowd
weeping willow gets bangs
trump bestows medal of honor to john mccain’s tumor
fog machine heightens drama at children's piano recital
peta complains as revised sat tested on chimpanzees
man constantly blaming his problems on fact that he’s on fire
man eating cashew butter can't believe he wasted so many years fucking around with peanut butter
no one in limo going to prom with the one they wanted
devastating setback: elon musk has murdered his lemon with legs after it kicked him in the groin
factory farm chicken rounds out miserable existence by going bad in man's refrigerator
report: get back to fucking work
report: many americans too willing to ask for help
psychologists advise practicing words ‘president trump’ over next 2 months to prepare for inauguration
watching thousands march in his honor unlocks deeper, darker corner of trump's psyche
cackling trump reveals to dinner guests they've all just eaten single piece of his tax returns
man just going to grab guitar and old four-track, go out to cabin in woods, make shittiest album anyone's ever heard
trump boys gather rations of comic books, candy bars for night hiding from special prosecutors in makeshift rose garden fort
southerner recognized for driving-in-a-circle
badass churchgoer doesn't even have to look at hymnal
diners slightly unnerved that waitress didn't write down order
psychic-phone-line customer used to be closed-minded just like her friends
café adds heartbreaking little lunch menu
greyhound now offering premium upgrade to slightly less disgusting seats
group of girls directs would-be suitor toward least attractive member
second fatwa issued on salman rushdie for derivative, uninspired 13th novel
trump wistfully smells lock of murdered journalist’s hair gifted to him by putin
historical archives: to be sold - rather large buttons
tinder’s parent company suing bumble for patent infringement
cake left out in break room with no instructions
friend from college wasted no time becoming white-collar professional
sessions: 'i am proud to have served white america'
employee’s meteoric rise through company a testament to staff turnover
mexico builds border wall to keep out u.s. assholes
aging peyton manning now forced to take field with assistance dog
cheering gets slightly less loud after obama's call for community service
serial killer clearly gunning for 'parking lot butcher' nickname
new amazon service lets customers boost shipping speed with easy one-click charge to whip delivery person
real estate agent warns syrian couple about neighborhood's high war crime rate
new resort community still trying to think of name
police investigate reports of local gay man being dragged behind boat
heavy lifting could affect fertility
hr director reminds employees that any crying done at office must be work-related
first chapter in history of sino-american war of 2011 already written
zz top reveals meaning behind classic song 'legs'
students watch in sympathy as teacher's humongous ass erases part of whiteboard
parents reminisce to children about dating algorithm that brought them together
relationship not a power struggle, woman who's winning reports
notre dame gargoyle going to stay as still as possible until arson investigator gone
news: stepping up: the nra has finally responded to the las vegas shooting by giving each of the victims a perfect nra scorecard
second-grade music student goes nuts with cowbell
marriage counselor encourages woman to take on numerous sexual partners while husband at work
seasonal depression kicks in just in time to numb woman before holiday with family
grandson’s jigsaw puzzle strategy fucking pathetic
liberal parents struggling to find school district with high-quality drag queens
enzyme humbled to have played part in successful biochemical reaction
ron paul promises to return when country needs him most
powerful: these veterans recount the heroics of the one lifeguard who was on duty during d-day
report: it not good time for long, devastating war for iran, either
japanese man born to wealthy parents is accidentally switched at birth and endures life of poverty
cartoon peppers on menu a foreboding warning to all who would dare order spicy entrees
parole board swayed by reverse psychology
random uncle’s wife crying a bunch throughout grandma’s funeral
uncle strikes out hard with book gift
trump delivers anecdote about small business owner who isn’t half the man he is
mom sends blurry, indistinct photo of computer screen showing boots you might like
director for aspca commercial demands sadder looking dogs
parents don't remember enough colors to help with kindergartner's homework
4-year-old's idea of barbie, ken marriage involves lots of head collisions
lyft says it will make every ride carbon neutral
cancer researchers to citizens : ‘don’t get cancer’
wild-eyed sears ceo convinced these the flannel pajama pants that will turn everything around
michael jackson estate releases new documentary alleging king of pop gets lifetime pass for ‘thriller’
grandpa looking absolutely precious in new baseball cap
finally! lisa frank is releasing a line of somber black-and-white folders for kids whose parents are getting divorced
today particularly rough day for east village junkie transvestite
trump administration announces new $20 bill design honoring harriet tubman’s owners
i have met the most amazing man and cannot quite believe what is happening between us cod8u1zu0
white house concerned ryan zinke made land deal without giving cut to trump
last french fry told to 'get your ass over here'
woman checks terror-alert level before leaving for work
news: not a good sign: this kid hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet, but chris pratt has been standing outside of his room for 3 days straight
life: fascinating social experiment: these millions of women tried cheap drugstore makeup for their entire lives
area man has always had soft spot for puck
cbs to retain les moonves' services in smaller sexual-predator-at-large role
study: majority of 'calm downs' ineffective
bully can’t believe classmate took 4 straight years of being told to kill herself seriously
that line at 1:48 had me in tears
newly discovered recordings reveal beatles actually terrible group
presidential radio address pledge drive in its final day
the onion film standard's oscars special
thank god we didn’t have written language back when i was a teenager
busy mel kiper, jr. still finds time to throw around the old spreadsheet with his daughter
polling booth completely disgusting by time last voters get there
congress passes bill to add armed patrol to u.s. poverty line
cold panic grips stacey abrams as trump begins delivering speech almost identical to one she wrote
blood runs down house of representatives walls as chamber itself selects new speaker
responsible gaming: epic games’ latest ‘fortnite’ update includes memorial-service cutscenes after every kill so players can learn to value human life
romney delivers stern warning to china, speaking directly into the camera in fluent mandarin
life: dining 2.0: this incredible new high-tech restaurant uses facial recognition technology to make sure sex offenders can’t get dessert
new 40-gigabite ihop breakfast platter holds up to 10,000 pancakes
i regret waiting until marriage to have sex with all 3 members of yo la tengo
peyton manning fondly recalls when not winning super bowl was most damaging part of legacy
knicks confident they have the cap space to ruin 2 or 3 promising careers
6th-grade teacher seen making out with gamestop dude
6th-graders feel kind of bad after seeing how easy it was to make young teacher cry
who warns about resurgence of guinea worm disease as 150-ton parasite splashes out of sea
life: heartbreaking: this man is self-conscious about his huge pants when it’s actually the only thing his coworkers like about him
north korean military developing parade capable of traveling 5,000 miles
new england fans: ‘we don’t deserve this’
ungrateful man just up and dies after everything insurance company has done for him
damning video surfaces of trump accepting gop nomination for president
woman tragically succumbs to natural hair color
nabisco discontinues wheat thicks
order restored: the guy in the office who was always watching the world cup is back to having nothing
in a clever allusion to u.s. presidential history, none of the show’s co-hosts are women: everything you need to know about ‘pod save america’
hippocratic oath updated to include vow of loyalty to blue cross blue shield
our nation's celebrities: what are they wearing?
frustrated debate moderator reminds audience to refrain from john kasich chants while other candidates speaking
mythbusters team struck down by zeus
loser congressman carries around pocket-sized version of constitution everywhere
same jumbotron used for marriage proposal used to ask for divorce
area man has some pretty shitty mob ties
god admits he was in pretty bad place while creating universe
drug use by jerry garcia down 85 percent
they said what?!: find out what dustin hoffman, rachael ray, and robert downey jr. have to say
news: 8 heartbreaking photos of syrian war refugees, also, sorry, we do not know how to stop this steel drum music from auto-playing
search for 'kick-ass shelves' continues
djimon hounsou to play every african in the world
prisoners’ rights group protests treatment of supervillains in nation’s magnetic detainment cubes
american classmates having difficulty understanding better educated foreign exchange student
george r.r. martin promises fans ‘the winds of winter’ is nearly started
area liberal no longer recognizes fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of country he lives in
computer scientists say ai's underdeveloped ethics have yet to move beyond libertarian phase
local teen would choose gun with night vision laser scope if he joined army
israeli bus driver wants really big raise
inner-city teacher inspires students to stab him
early-morning jogger pities everyone still sleeping
ancient melanesian masks thundered past to get to star wars exhibit
history buff can really relate to millard fillmore
arctic scientists discover perfectly preserved al gore frozen in glacier
3-foot-tall christmas tree really completes incredibly depressing apartment
law-abiding citizen keeps herself on track with weekly cheat day
sports section tragically missing
trump asks entire senate to clear out of chamber so he can speak to comey alone
starbucks ending alcohol service
dad keeps dropping hints about mom's sexual proclivities
young child still developing antibodies to mountain dew
'arby's has been putting more onion bits on their buns,' reports man sinking into heavy depression
biden to decide on 2020 run by january
lee majors: does he still exist?
report: some americans may not work in offices
adult film industry replaces 500 porn stars with hydraulic robotic fisting arm
what is clickhole? the onion's buzzfeed/upworthy-spoofing site.
xylophonist shredding it
man crushed by lack of filth on q-tip pulled from ear
swiss guard charge writhing mass of black tentacles devouring pope francis
party host horrified to discover guests have been drying hands on bath towel this whole time
death row guard has always had soft spot for the innocent ones
no one murdered because of this image
'roseanne' taping repeatedly interrupted by reporters trying to interview members of white working class
david crosby shows photo of dwarven blacksmith to barber to give idea of what he wants
its biggest challenge yet: netflix just announced that every episode of the new ‘queer eye’ season will be dedicated to making over one really, really gross hermit they found fucking a dead turtle in the woods
reality of fatherhood never truly dawned on man until he held newborn son’s hospital bill
‘game of thrones’ showrunners disappointed with how quality of fans has dropped off over past couple seasons
busy mom wishes she had enough spare time to fuck cia director
vin diesel will finally kiss car in 'fast & furious 6'
air force uncovers lsd use among airmen guarding nuclear missiles
teen gives up smoking pot after seeing parents high
warm, syrupy pleasure coursing through man’s veins after big hit of mattress
study: average american tries getting out of 10,000 things each year
news: utter pandemonium: grandma really did a number on the tv settings before asking for help with the remote
new express transplant list offers patients kidney or first available organ
new study finds link between breastfeeding, always knowing what's right for everyone
this the fuck harness sex shop worker has at home
nhl warns hockey fans that banging on glass scares players
study: 90% of workplace injuries caused by bare-knuckle boxing
science fiction writer admits unstoppable killing machine based on mother
child abuse: how much is too much?
classic onion prescience: supreme court on gay marriage: 'sure, who cares'
coworkers nationwide embrace tearfully after painful 3-day separation
from 2002: "ghost of christmas future taunts children with visions of playstation 5"
study: employees happiest when pretending to work from home
area man thinks movie he saw should have been nominated
kuwait deploys troop
revlon unveils new age-defying monster makeup
seven-year-old told to take it like a man
petco employee stocks gerbils by the cash register for impulse purchases
mom tucks handwritten guide on how to use netflix into kitchen drawer
blog: maybe a humble mall pedophile taking on the washington establishment is exactly what this country needs (by roy moore)
there, like, 6 cop cars outside
test
someone built a world in ‘minecraft’ where 9/11 never happened and it’s incredible
6-year-old data entry prodigy already entertaining offers from major temp agencies
‘the onion’ is withholding our endorsement for president until both candidates respond to our questionnaire
east st. louis rated 'number one city in america' by poverty magazine
bride has to admit it’d be pretty exciting if someone objected at wedding
sheryl crow unsuccessful; war on iraq begins
family has strict no smartphone rule while eating dinner in front of tv | the onion - america's finest news source
beautiful: no matter how busy this family is, they always manage to set aside 15 hours every day to look at a picture of waylon smithers
90 percent of americans now wearing laminated id badges
pope francis spotted sunbathing nude in st. peter's square
this shooting isn’t about gun control we refuse to pass, it’s about access to mental health care we’re continuing to gut
music writers attribute lil nas x’s success to inventing country genre
former couple to remain friends until one finds new sex partner
seattle's space needle blasts off after collecting enough rain for home planet
fed-up eu rejects united kingdom, gives british 30 days to vacate europe
new ‘game of thrones’ trailer provides sneak peek at show’s climactic all-cast dance number
john kerry lost somewhere in gobi desert
report: reuben rated top midsize sandwich in its class
hasbro pledges additional 30 marbles for hippo-hunger relief
with great suit comes great responsibility
tree outside window upset man just changed channel
bush: 'history cannot judge me if i end it soon'
paleontology class winces whenever fundamentalist kid raises hand
life: call to action: wikipedia is asking each of its users to donate $10 million so it can purchase all of the world’s rubies
little pussy has to take phone call in other room
oscars officials warn only famous actors permitted to get political in acceptance speech
businessman does his work lying on bed like schoolgirl
fetus going to pretend he doesn't hear loud argument coming from other side of uterine wall
life: heartwarming: when this family couldn’t be together on thanksgiving, they did a depressing skype thing
news: end of an era: the foo fighters are breaking up after dave grohl’s parents signed him up for kumon
picture most closely resembling actual self immediately deleted
area boy enters jumping-and-touching-tops-of-doorways phase
suzanne somers named u.s. thighmaster general
news: almost there! michael phelps is close to having enough gold medals to redeem them for a free bike
tim kaine clearly tuning out in middle of boring vice presidential acceptance speech
millions of retirees absolutely sopping wet after seeing alex trebek's new beard
domino's surprises customer with nice steak dinner
trump casually informs pence he going to make one or two appearances during speech
life: next-level gaming: the new ‘call of duty’ will penalize players for shooting nazis who are actually very fine people
news: a new perspective: rotten tomatoes will begin giving movies a score based on the opinions of people who haven’t seen the movie but generally have a good idea whether something will be good
area woman not good enough artist to justify eccentricities
local play well-attended by friends, family
wrong font chosen for gravestone
the onion being freakishly prophetic in 2012: after obama victory, shrieking white-hot sphere of pure rage early gop frontrunner for 2016
news: a piece of history: the treadmill that jfk died trying to rollerblade on is coming to the smithsonian
world’s religious leaders admit they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast
men, boys separated
weird birthday boy blowing out candles wishes john hickenlooper wins democratic primary
members of twisted sister now willing to take it
obama to cut costs by packing lunch every day for u.s. populace
daniel craig takes home pretty good actor award
just area man's luck
'run! run and never look back!' whispers heidi cruz while hugging carly fiorina on rally stage
border patrol authorities, militia in tense standoff over claim to detain migrant family they caught at same time
hshelp me! i found your photos here! how do i remove it?hs
highlights of the democratic primary debate day 1
peruvian rebels seize control of their lives
member of book group just loved this book a little less is all
glandular problem forces man to eat fifth helping
overtired 398-month-old throws tantrum
david allan coe waiting outside to kick your ass
missing the mark: 5 life alert commercials where an elderly person falls down the stairs and fucking loves it
report: shame of walking out without buying anything drives 90% of purchases at small businesses
life: huge relief: that enormous plume of smoke coming out of the woods is probably something other people know about and have decided is fine
alex rodriguez pulls out of world baseball classic because everyone else is doing it
the puppy bowl: it’s not whether you get back up, it’s whether you get put down
life: almost inspiring: this woman’s first post about her miscarriage showed how strong she was, but then her next 8 posts were just way too fucking sad to go viral
what you need to know about last night’s oscars debacle
subway manager disgusted by sight of cold cut combo devouring large rat
popeye’s sign town’s tallest monument
aunt enters ninth year of raving about ‘wicked’
nation longing for simpler time of knowing exactly who they wanted to kill and why
deputy attorney general's wife cracks down on pornography
news: for good measure: nasa just discovered earth in case they had forgotten to officially do that yet
styrofoam coffee cup from omaha excited to finally see pacific ocean
taylor swift now in long-distance relationship with curiosity rover
saddam hussein presents suicide bomber's family with oversized check
hugh jackman reunites with one-tenth of x-men cast for still image micro-reboot
lean in, queen! her husband told her the only room off limits in his accursed estate was his private study, but she went in anyway and totally owned her horrible fate
fbi warns republican memo could undermine faith in massive, unaccountable government secret agencies
paranoid chinese government erases all evidence of country's existence from internet
grandfather tries to make first fall as cool-looking as possible
man surprised by how often he still uses bullying skills he learned in high school
4 icy hot commercials where it was extremely clear shaq thought icy hot was dog repellent
justify, bravazo get into skirmish during belmont stakes weigh-in
congressman embroiled in sexting scandal explains: 'i wanted that girl to see my penis'
returning parents can tell son had huge house fire over weekend
kotex introduces new confetti popper tampons for ringing in the new year
quick-lube shop masters electronic record keeping six years before medical industry
jefferson starship memorial reopens on national mall
wonderful! everyone in this office cheers and hugs each other every day at 5 p.m. because that’s when they all get to go home and have diarrhea
unemployed man photoshops self into former company's staff photo
pbs defends ‘arthur’ episode where mr. ratburn reveals he’s the ultimate twink power bottom
blog: if you’re not a police officer, you can’t understand the pressure you feel in the split second when you have to decide whether or not to shoot an unarmed civilian 8 times
michael phelps spots estranged father poseidon in stands
this beautiful fan-made prince tribute couldn’t get the rights to ‘purple rain,’ so they got a local opera singer to sing a similar song called ‘sex guy loves to be purple’
supreme court issues 7-1 decision to find scalia's killer
monster truck escapes
lightning bolt blasts washington monument as mike pence, pete buttigieg locked in battle of prayers on national mall
breakdancing being considered for 2024 olympics
lost innocence: this shocked mother just found a stash of pornographic actors under her 12-year old’s mattress
inmates scrambling to replace whitey bulger in prison production of 'guys and dolls'
life: the 5 huskiest boys in the ohio county 9-year-old pee-wee football league, ranked by how much of an animal they are on the field
marvel reimagines green goblin as left-handed
new grown-up monitor allows children to listen in on parents crying
man who drinks 5 diet cokes per day hoping doctors working on cure for whatever he's getting
'he's not right for you,' report relationship experts who must not want to see you be happy
world war ii documentary suffused with anti-nazi undertones
news: breakdown in diplomacy: leaked north korean plans show that the last component it needs to complete its nuclear icbm is an olympic gold medal
dna evidence frees black man convicted of bear attack
lifeguard would save drowning man, but who is he to play god?
ncaa launches investigation into why it wasn’t making millions off recent college admissions scandal
senator mix-a-lot sponsors titties-on-glass legislation
grandmother can't believe she hung on this long for granddaughter's lame-ass wedding
safety-conscious senior locks screen door
staples brings on extra staff to sit around and do nothing for busy back-to-school season
alarming report finds only 6% of earth's surface indoors
nation's nutritionists confirm mini versions of food nummier
a major advantage: microsoft has released a new xbox controller with pre-mushed-in buttons that you can make your friend use since it’s your house
r. kelly releases 19-minute song addressing sexual assault
limited-edition russet potato comes with certificate of authenticity
reddit announces redesign
suicidegirls.com put on 24-hour watch
melania trump: ‘my fat piece-of-shit husband who should go kill himself needs to stop bullying people online’
red carpet organizers regret only renting one porta potty
actual governing to resume
news: scammed: the arizona cardinals are scrambling to find a new quarterback after accidentally signing a cheap bootleg tom brady they found online
man worried any crazy person could get hands on congressional seat
teen study bible found to increase fun of religion by .03%
government shutdown forces national zoo to turn off panda suicide cam
cnn promises to maintain complete lack of editorial integrity despite at&t-time warner merger
self-defense instructor simulates attacker right down to erection
tc energy says keystone pipeline failed due to protestors making it lose confidence in itself
legendary reclusive author has never published single piece of writing
hubble telescope discovers giant amelia earhart statue on distant planet
nra ad director still searching for right sinister music to play over footage of high schoolers
americans have lost faith in government due to both parties' failed promises to blow up mt. rushmore
actor-comedian pauly shore bad at 32
'at least days getting longer,' squeaks tiny inner voice drowned out by rest of worries
trump announces plan to replace food stamps with new low-income foraging program
i’m sorry, but you’re just not the man i hoped you would become when we got married | the onion - america's finest news source
obama leaves post-it on counter with quick note explaining how to use extralegal surveillance apparatus
tips for cheaper airfare
bush unveils new blind-faith-based initiatives
tollbooth attendant wishes just one high-speed chase would crash through entry bar
man at bar has incredibly complicated reason for why he enjoys rolling rock
sad: this kid’s pinewood derby car was made entirely by his dad and it still sucks
johnson & johnson hoping brand won’t be tarnished if they dip into lethal injection game
man sick and tired of hearing upstairs neighbors skirt around core conflict of argument
museum's audio guide informs visitors how much more they getting out of experience than others
hanson sweeps 1998 nambla awards
anaheim police chief john welter: 'look, our job is to shoot people'
hardened snacker keeps trying to rediscover that first mind-blowing nacho cheese high
34-year-old woman anxiously realizes she doesn't have much time left to have career
'i look forward to ending my life,' says assisted suicide advocate before being shot out of cannon at brick wall
glass-encased ar-15 behind gun shop counter in safest hands it will ever be
drive-time commute jam-packed with entertainment
monopoly releases scrabble-themed edition
mister rogers' neighborhood gerrymandered to serve king friday's make-believe agenda
taylor swift grateful kanye west controversy taking heat off new swastika tattoo
ambassador holding phrasebook 'pretty sure' she just strengthened ties with pakistan
study: 84% of couples who walk around exploring new neighborhood never make it home
world-weary man bitterly rents mercury rising
news: innovating for good: this sanitation company will pick up your bottles and melt them down into glass blobs for the homeless
news: regardless of your views on the 2016 election, here are 6 reasons why now would be a bad time for reince priebus to get a dog
superhero never around when mild-mannered journalist david brooks is
how to arrange a funeral
hamburglar urges senate subcommittee to 'robble robble robble'
43-year-old with skateboard not fooling anyone
harper lee announces third novel, ‘my excellent caretaker deserves my entire fortune’
tesla debuts carless driver
area teen accidentally enters teen center
russian man just pretending meteor shower the reason he's bleeding from face
santa anita racetrack officials award first place to jockey who dragged dead horse 30 yards over finish line
the "scientists" over at "science" didn't think my article had the merit.
tearful biden carefully takes down blacklight poster of topless barbarian chick from office wall
cute couple on same antidepressant
executioner enters lethal injection room with bag from home depot
man at adjacent urinal pretends to look straight ahead
petsmart introduces heart-shaped puppy for valentine’s day
new wes anderson film features deadpan delivery, meticulous art direction, characters with father issues
horrible boogie boarding accident leaves man totally bummed below the neck
hellmann’s introduces new meat-on-the-bottom mayo cups
god really dreading visit from older brother who made much more successful cosmos
there’s been an explosion!
‘jonah hill is the only actor worthy of playing jesus christ’: 5 questions with robert de niro
'new york times' bully knocks stack of polls from nate silver's hands
sean spicer's voice immediately recognized by everyone else in 'halo 5' multiplayer lobby
new distressed jeans feature broken-in cameltoe
outraged trump declares he would’ve gotten jeffrey epstein way more lenient plea deal
slow-thinking bystander weighing pros and cons of pulling man out of river
the thinkable happens to local man
teen's natural drive to murder sexual rivals successfully channeled into 'super smash bros.' victory
ivanka, donald jr., eric trump removed from white house after mother wins 25-year custody battle
area man can tell commercial will be for corona
steve ballmer rewards playoff-bound clippers with complimentary microsoft office upgrades
couple at point where they're comfortable using toilet at same time
grandma told 'do not resuscitate' means 'low-sodium diet'
third stepdad in row has goatee
relationship experts recommend telling woman you would die for her at outset of first date
man's genetic predisposition for heart disease no match for 10 half-assed push-ups he does couple times a week
nation finishes romantically pairing off except for the losers
man spends entire weekend binge-watching neighbor
coffee shop customer asks if guy at next table would mind watching while he goes to bathroom
how to cut down on food waste
la-z-boy outlet clearly visible from suburban man's grave
'game of thrones' fan rewatching past episodes to remind self of what characters' breasts look like
'game of thrones' actors reveal reading script for zombie battle and realizing they wasted careers
white house honors aretha franklin by not releasing official statement on her death
obama fills out lukewarm glassdoor review after exiting presidency
the future—and i’m talking, like, 35,000 years in the future—is still bright
report: rise in global temperatures likely to increase number of americans who fucking reek
dunkirk survivor praises film as most realistic depiction of cowardly fleeing from battle
child pleads case for why family rabbit should be named aunt susan
clinton gets box to put government's stuff in
culture shock: everything you need to know about ‘dragon ball z’
video: this chilling footage proves donald trump is right about chaos in the streets of chicago
study: 58 percent of u.s. exercise televised
confounded pollsters admit there no way of predicting mercurial behaviors of beguiling female vote
hotcake sales brisk
justice kennedy out for rest of session with tear in adjudicatory tendon
stressed lab rat breaking out in human ears
businessman mortified to discover he’s been wearing suit backwards all day
life: supporting their fans: the blue man group has announced it will pay your bail if you get arrested for masturbating to its ad on the train
nation too sad to fuck even though it's what prince would have wanted
check your fridge: perdue is recalling 50,000 chicken breasts after they left the factory without getting a little kiss goodbye
s&m couple won't stop droning on about their fetishes
calm, measured trump hard at work after freak accident leaves him with railroad spike lodged in skull
news: environmentalism ftw: nascar is cutting down on emissions by replacing all the race cars with a single bus that drivers share
nancy pelosi signals support for environmental causes by placing green new deal directly into recycling bin
all of man’s time-wasting websites exhausted before lunch
new study confirms that sharks just really angry dolphins
apple unveils video streaming service
nasa celebrates 60th anniversary of launching first moon to orbit earth
every person in high-end singapore casino either carrying out or target of assassination
report: none of the 31 americans qualified to be president running this year
nikki haley: ‘the u.s. will no longer sit idly by while iran continues to exist’
brutal anti-cruz attack ad just 30 seconds of candidate’s photo displayed without any text, voiceover, music
exercise briefly considered
sasha obama asks father why he was acting like such a pussy during debate
former prom king now living anonymously among commoners
$5 million bounty placed on recession
heartbreaking: this man finally caught a t-shirt from the t-shirt gun after 26 years of trying but it had a picture of his wife having sex with the t-shirt gun guy
news: rumor mill in overdrive: the internet is speculating what kind of person could be in this porta-potty
ice agent trying to think of fun name for jail cell before locking up immigrant child
chase ceo giving commencement speech pledges to double whole class's student loan debt
5 tips to fall asleep that are no match against the cold brew you drank at 4 p.m., you idiot, why did you do that, you do this every time
documentary a scathing indictment of director's filmmaking skills
chiquita introduces easy-grip banana
inauguration crowd moves to white house gates to watch presidency happen
‘you did the best you could,’ says iron man action figure voiced by despondent toys ‘r’ us ceo packing up office
man halfway down giant water slide remembers today 9/11
video: not a good sign: this zookeeper is hauling ass
flower freaking out after realizing there's a bee on it
rustic italian village just killing time between wedding feasts
tips for headache relief
cory booker introduces oversize velvet blacklight bill decriminalizing marijuana
nation’s dogs vow to keep their shit together during 4th of july fireworks
5-million-car pileup kills dallas-fort worth
latest attack: isis just changed its name to ‘google’
mr. met’s son beginning to think he adopted
world’s oldest woman just pleased every other human on earth when she was born now dead | the onion - america's finest news source
armchair quarterback blitzed
teen weirded out after running over english teacher outside of school
working-class silicon valley residents beg onion social to demolish their homes for new headquarters
slight inconsistency found in bible
catching up on 2 seasons of 'house of cards' depressingly manageable
museum gift shop openly daring anyone to spend $450 on decorative geode
attempt to meet different types of people thwarted by partygoer who also watches 'friday night lights'
u.n. tribunal swayed by thousands of children's letters to milosevic
chechen infant lulled to sleep by distant rumbling
high integrity, moral decency has cost idiot man millions
treasury department honors women with first female currency
on-line gambling too depressing to even think about
tearful mitt romney announces he has rare disease where you can't sit quietly on stool when repeatedly asked to
man deeply suspicious after insurer covers prescription without hassle
trader joe’s fires employee for non-genuine smile
diary lied to
moron stepfather takes care of child who doesn't have his genetic material
new beatles box set features 172 unreleased songs about wanting to hold hands
history channel repeats itself
donna brazile says hillary rodham clinton high palace of the solar order was almost like a cult
man who never missed ‘ally mcbeal’ back in the day joins trump legal team
suicide bombing: can parents spot the warning signs?
area man to ask his doctor about xenical, propecia, claritin, paxil, drixoral, lipitor, tavist-d
well-deserved break: after all his hard work, robert mueller is relaxing by writing a report about himself
guy in suit handling newspaper like a pro
medical breakthrough provides elderly woman with 2 extra years of inconveniencing family
backup plan in case menu item out of stock most well-thought-out part of man's life
these researchers set out to debunk the myth of the welfare queen, but then they found her deep in the appalachian mountains, ruling from her extravagant palace of entitlements
an ‘access hollywood’ tape of his own: a decade-old recording just leaked of bernie sanders telling billy bush that he hates sexual intercourse because there are too many odors
its feminist message proves that women can do anything men do as long as it’s many years after the men and they’ve added a fashion element: everything you need to know about ‘ocean’s 8’
auto industry agrees to install brakes in suvs
fan doubtful 'solo: a star wars story' can live up to denny's blaster fire burger
obama signs conservation act to preserve nation's last remaining area of common ground
number of users who actually enjoy facebook down to 4
report: iranian science teachers may be enriching students
‘brain games’ recalls thousands of defective word puzzles that gave users alzheimer’s
john bolton insists iran likely harboring dangerous terrorist osama bin laden
workplace shooting planned on company time
toddler unsettled by whatever possessed her to bite friend’s face
bush urges senate to give alito fair, quick, unanimous confirmation
complete fucking idiot considers nikolai rimsky-korsakov russia's most inventive orchestrator
hallmark apologizes for role in supplying third reich with greeting cards
policy guy: paul ryan just put out a comprehensive 14-point plan to fully debase himself for the trump administration
nostalgic hope hicks barely recognizes young woman on white house id badge
e3 organizers cancel convention after discovering immersive power of literature
ponds institute tops 1997 cosmopolitan college poll
battle of wits with unwieldy burrito nears thrilling endgame
heartwarming: lionel richie and chewbacca mom have buried the hatchet after realizing life is short and they don’t even know each other
'97 camaros to come with pubescent mustaches
defense department holds bake sale to buy bomber
obama follows white stallion into moonlit rose garden
no one quite sure why 8-year-old has voice of lifelong chain smoker
free toothpick transforms schlubby restaurant-goer into aloof bad boy
fan going to see how first few games go before declaring moral objection to watching nfl
botanists vow not to discuss botany during after-work drinks
911 operator informs black caller that death is on the way
paul giamatti lauded for supporting role in area murder
life: 8 reasons why drake shouldn’t marry a blood relative
dormant supervolcano underneath yellowstone figures now as good a time as any
defensive clinton campaign releases new 'who are you to judge me?' ad
shameless coworker doing nothing to conceal clearly flaccid penis lying beneath khakis
iceberg sighs contentedly as it slowly lowers itself into warm arctic water
boyfriend not to be trusted with netflix queue
man approaches box of powdered doughnuts like snake discovering unguarded clutch of bird eggs
family members locked in heated bidding war to convince cat to sleep in their bed
jason momoa clearly came to oscars straight from work
clinton vetoes bill for reason he can't put his finger on
trump boys frantically burning stacks of printed-out emails to eliminate paper trail
man uses weekend to make totally different mistakes than he did during workweek
palm tree fires off warning coconut
universal remote latest step in area man's plan for total living room domination
gwyneth paltrow reveals secret to her healthy, radiant skin eating 20 pounds of kielbasa a day
mother's day card thrown in trash
report: you're far too dumb to be reading the mueller report yourself
everyone in sears spanking a child
katie couric winces at word 'vagina'
prima donna species just has to have every part of natural habitat intact
life: real-life sherlock: this man spent 20 minutes scrolling through facebook posts trying to figure out if his friend’s mom died
crusted ring around nyquil bottle top coming along nicely
local cvs selling one leather jacket for some reason
physically fit, emotionally stable kim jong-un addresses un after finally getting nuclear ambitions out of system
our nation's truckers: are we meeting their pancake needs?
empire state building reopens spire to visitors
man surprised to hear himself tell matt damon he's a 'big fan'
news: education ftw: ‘sesame street’ showed grover laying an egg that elmo and ernie both hatch out of to teach children not everything can be explained with a catchy little song
'hold still,' says eric trump swinging sword at don jr. trapped inside knight's armor
airbnb user loves how easy website makes it to ejaculate in stranger's sink
new kfc employee takes 'fry-q' test in employee manual
lawyer for martin shkreli hikes fees five thousand per cent
'no way to prevent this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens
republicans give in right before obamacare would have been repealed
moving to new city to solve all of area man's problems
life: the 6 best places in atlanta to come down from the absolute high of visiting nashville
breaking: aclu hard as a fucking rock right now
colorado legalizes medicinal fireworks
michelle obama to dnc: 'after this election you dipshits are on your own'
mom starting to fear son's web series closest thing she will have to grandchild
authorities on loudspeaker plead with holdout characters to evacuate disney world while they still can
sen. hatch says trump allegations not serious enough that scales should fall from eyes revealing what madness we have begotten
man either sick or just at end of workday
man worried new 'jumanji' movie going to ruin memory of mediocre afternoon in 1995
megan fox daydreaming about megan fox naked
cdc horrified after discovering existence of thousands of public pools
robinson cano: ‘i deeply apologize for using performance enhancers to make this boring game more awesome’
mom sleeps in past sunrise
david bernhardt denies business interests influenced yellowstone’s name change to frito lay presents doritos flamin’ hot nacho national park
area roofer badmouths college
hotel bar really hopping tonight, says hotel bartender
tim kaine shows hillary his belly button to cheer her up after losing ohio
family respects grandmother’s wishes to have open-bloused funeral
male birth control pill shows early promise
guilt-ridden stacey abrams wondering when she should tell democrats that she lost her election
easy wife gives it up on first date night
nabisco introduces x-treme salt-assault saltines
porn-store change machine gummed up again
nation stunned as man buys newspaper
justin bieber rampage may have al-qaeda links, terrorism analysts warn
family respects grandmother's wishes to have open-bloused funeral
unclear if store called ‘casa spazio’ sells leather sofas or pizzas
solace in grief: when this man died, his family took comfort in the fact that his rib cage would be donated to a donkey to wear as a hat
milk rushing through jug handle having the time of its life
compliment suspiciously vague
wild, rutting animals pour onto prom dance floor
bon appétit denies allegations that they responsible for millions of pro-quiche twitter bots
hot hot hollywood: drew carey has been standing in a barnes & noble for 3 hours feeling the embossed letters on the cover of ‘ripley’s believe it or not! 2015’ with his eyes closed
life: 5 awesome sex toys that would have really hit the spot after a long day working on the transcontinental railroad
studio audience wants show to be over
report: most americans have enough saved for retirement to live comfortably on streets
transportation secretary calls for $200 billion in funding to repair nation's rickety wooden bridges
life: 6 ways your life completely changes when you walk around hollywood holding matt damon over your head
texas executes 393rd guilty prisoner
ronald reagan endorses 'pill lady' for president
body positivity ftw! cap’n crunch just became the first breakfast cereal mascot to show off his c-section scar on a cereal box
best dad ever: this dad is judd apatow!
old man with foggy eye not even magical
philip morris releases new single-puff marlboro minis
full summer of tending backyard garden produces single edible cherry tomato
man who treats women with respect asked what his secret is
michelle obama: 'well, there are 8 years of my life i'll never get back'
nation's ninetysomethings gear up for last year of their lives
small town beginning to wonder what taking heroin epidemic so long to get there
study finds employees most productive when they can set their own salaries
mom's christmas stocking noticeably less full
employee totally crushes presentation of idea that will soon bankrupt company
chuck grassley cranks up music in senate chamber to drown out ford’s testimony
the onion looks back at 'e.t.'
life: the following is a test of the jacob-tremblay-petting-a-duck alert system. please disregard.
indianapolis sports reporter pours his little heart out in peyton manning retirement column
report: majority of nation's civic engagement centered around oppressing other people
new york times seeks court order to remove tuesdays with morrie from bestseller list
chemicals that pushed man's ancestors to run down wild boar flare at sight of white cheddar popcorn bag
passenger assures flight attendant he has opened emergency exit dozens of times before
tour becoming one-on-one between guide and man who knew name of mckinley's assassin
nate silver projects super tuesday results using microscopic electorate grown in petri dish
don't nobody wanna hear area man run his mouth
kidnapped boy found safe, imagines kidnapped boy
rehabilitated otter released back into food chain
case keenum wins redskins starting job with heartfelt ‘what i like most about football is’ essay
disney estate uncovers cache of anti-american cartoons intended for release if axis won wwii
relationship goals: this awesome couple recreated their high school prom photo every year for two years until they broke up
'good old days' traced back to single weekend in 1948
report: putting head in hands and moaning quietly still best way to get through next several seconds
magical homeless man turns spare change into vomit
lazy event planner throws 'bags of ice'–themed party
nude, ash-streaked dick vitale proclaims this what march madness all about
mit researchers discover each other
street musician's mother really on his case about practicing his buckets
department of education hires art teacher to spread evenly across all u.s. public schools
kindergarten class burning through 6 hamsters a year
man has story for every stain on pants
'it's like biggie and tupac all over again,' says dumbass of korean conflict
vacationing secretary of homeland security asks neighbor to keep eye on nation over weekend
unpopular police officer thinking about committing racially motivated offense for a little support
friend takes liberty of ordering $40 worth of appetizers for entire table
pope rummaging through vatican basement for plastic nativity scene figures
300 naked women feared lost in computer crash
brad pitt called before congress to testify about bicep regimen
anthropomorphologists find earliest known evidence of banana walking upright
sight of o.j. simpson actually kind of comforting
trump, putin hold first joint press crackdown
video: watch this woman’s powerful reaction after being given more eyebrows
study finds harshly criticizing u.s. education system only causing it to fall further behind peers
so awesome: this couple cut into their gender reveal cake and a swarm of locusts flew out to indicate their baby will be an old man who eats them immediately after being born
nation’s stomach ulcers predict trump administration will provide opportunities for unlimited growth in 2017
bush to olympians: 'bring back lots of valuable gold'
nra says mass shootings just the unfortunate price of protecting people's freedom to commit mass shootings
new evidence suggests ancient egyptians only ever visited pyramids when friends were in from out of town
enchilada premonition comes to pass
2014 olympics to be held in 19th century
woman forced to converse awkwardly with bank-promotion clown
cottonelle introduces new 'piping-hot' toilet tissue
bush celebrates millionth utterance of 'lessons of sept. 11'
this list of kids holding up signs saying that starkist tuna gives them the energy they need to bully their classmates will only come down if starkist pays us $90 million
white house pretty sure uzbekistan diplomat stole a bunch of soap
divorced friend burning through new hobbies at unsustainable rate
video: the power of love: wife lifts husband into the air so that he has room to use his very long mop
leaked ‘the last jedi’ footage reveals chewbacca balding since ‘the force awakens’
70-year-old woman decides it time to start dressing entirely in purple
david remnick quietly relieved he won't have to lose debate to steve bannon in front of everyone
‘you know, i directed it too,’ bradley cooper says out loud again to no one in particular
man has trouble growing full beard of bees
friend whose mom just died allowed to pick pizza topping
'parent trap' producers recall euthanizing lindsay lohan clone after completing filming
onion social denies rising global temperatures linked to 50,000 coal plants running round the clock to power site
confronting the past: ea just spent its entire e3 presentation apologizing for putting antoine walker on the cover of ‘nba live 99’
congress abandons wikiconstitution
heartbroken chris brown always thought rihanna was woman he'd beat to death
poll finds americans would be open to third type of screwdriver head
biggest emmy nomination snubs
47-second clip from 'family ties' season 3 now available on youtube
‘you’re deleting your account? we’ll be sad to see you go,’ says facebook prompt showing user photo of own dead body
life: 5 other traffic jams caused by the infamous tiananmen square dunce
cool ashtray found
'this women's strike won't accomplish anything,' reports man who will boycott upcoming 'avengers' movie
new, improved olean 30 percent less likely to make you shit in your pants
tulip popping up in middle of march must think it some kind of hotshot
nonindigenous larry  crosses state lines
tom clancy treated like he's some kind of terrorism expert
elderly woman relieved to know she's tackled last technological advancement of lifetime
area fifth-grader won't shut up about raccoons
white house: 'this is not the geologic era to debate gun control'
disoriented amber guyger opens fire after mistakenly entering wrong courtroom
pence aide encourages candidate to try some more happy-looking scowls during debate
girlfriend to stay underneath blanket for next 5 months
worthless child spills last can of beer
man's dream to get drunk in an a-frame finally realized
biden unveils new health initiative to make u.s. women hotter
prince charles thinks boys are finally old enough to hear what happened to their mother
how political polling works
elderly woman casually mentions wish to die
area 8-year-old formally rescinds hunger complaint following mother’s insulting banana offer
dixieland band evicted
i used to think all terrorists were muslim. then i saw ‘speed 2: cruise control.’
good call: the makers of cap’n crunch have announced that if the cap’n ever lapses into a coma they would take him off life support immediately
bill clinton agrees to disclose guacamole recipe
kushner assures worried ivanka they'd definitely be last jews to go
wealth-burdened nation grateful for opportunity to spend money at new onion store
bird wouldn't have landed on ledge if it had known everyone would make it into whole big thing
kavanaugh offers elena kagan pull of vodka from aquafina bottle
trump: 'the only way to find out what happened at the saudi consulate is to send in more journalists one at a time'
trump raises $50 million at fundraiser where gop donors get to watch him weep for 2 hours
secretary of state fired after inappropriately weighing in on international politics
going to bed last thing tempurpedic ceo wants to think about after long day at work
pope francis asks congregation if it's okay if they do a low-key easter this year
world makes final attempt to try to understand this shit
news: staying strong: hillary clinton has made it another day without giving in to the tempting call of the sea
‘my god, i’ve discovered the missing link in the russia investigation,’ think 379,000 reddit users simultaneously
news: becoming presidential: officials say that trump’s japanese geisha character was more respectful than usual when he showed it to the japanese prime minister
high school drama teacher already has pretty good idea who he’ll pick for fall girlfriend
breaking: now it's a party!
trump privately terrified his sexual assault victims will someday come forward
hand gestures transform friend's story into immersive virtual reality experience
god shoots himself while cleaning gun
department of interior asks for resignation of obama-era elk
breaking: mrs. nichols also daniel's mom
borrowed cd slowly integrated into own collection
making it work: this unhappily married couple has decided not to divorce for the sake of the guy who’s stuck in their chimney
everyday hero: when this pregnant woman couldn’t find a seat on a train, this man decided to stand on his in solidarity
hillshire farms releases circumcised bratwurst
vegetarian begins sad, private routine of scanning menu for little green v's
blood-covered finger confirms nose, in fact, bleeding
couple wouldn’t have stayed in loveless marriage if they knew that’s how kid would turn out
pope francis spends weekend installing stained glass storm windows in st. peter's basilica
study: those who go to college earn more degrees over lifetime than those who do not
libyan rebels still working full-time at other jobs
botanists making great strides in stem research
must see: unsettling: henry kissinger is sitting on the set of the ‘today’ show without a shirt on and no one knows why
kim kardashian tries to escape l.a. in rowboat after realizing past 12 years of life have been tv show
damning evidence shows actor al jolson wearing blackface
pope francis renounces papacy after falling in love with beautiful american divorcee
video: bittersweet moment: man plays the nbc jingle on the grand piano that crushed his son
defunded planned parenthood reassures supporters it has enough fetus cash to keep going
study finds humans crave sweet foods because they're weak—they're weak and they're small
gay gene isolated, ostracized
'we're in this together, you guys,' reports newest member of crunch gym
scientists: rich people, poor people may have shared common ancestor | the onion
news: update: every facebook user who clicked the new ‘protect my data’ button that does nothing but feels good to press has had their data stolen by cambridge analytica
panicking flu swears it didn't mean to kill old lady
beloved showbiz legend and national treasure michael douglas actually none of these things
johnson & johnson introduces self-lotioning baby
bill cosby feeling better about retrial now that climate around sexual assault has cooled down
new study shows people with panic disorders respond poorly to being locked in underwater elevators
length of relationship mistaken for quality of relationship
fucker sure taking long time to download
'rocketman' viewers not sure movie really needed 45-minute princess diana death scene
cia admits role in 1985 coup to oust david lee roth | the onion
report: high school marching band definitely in shape of something
mötley crüe signs sexual-harassment guarantee
sighing, resigned climate scientists say to just enjoy next 20 years as much as you can
open-minded man would be willing to look past jennifer lawrence's flaws
boeing ceo admits company made mistake by including automatic self-destruct function on all 737 max planes
chris columbus admits there are hours of 'home alone 2' outtakes featuring trump saying racial slurs
stephen hawking leaves behind beautiful legacy of unheeded warnings to humanity
bcs computer takes over every screen in country during college football national championship game
circular editor makes last-minute call to run fabric softener as top coupon
third-grader clearly biting off more than he can chew at elementary school book fair
aides say bannon was not on the record when he issued deafening, atonal howl that caused journalist’s skull to explode
obamacare: recklessly providing more americans with access to longer lifespans
one-eyed man who kamala harris locked up 25 years ago quietly removes tulsi gabbard mask
abused child running out of black crayon
ovulation calendar just the ticket for rekindling couple’s lagging sex life
rex tillerson blindsided by news he still worked for state department
name one masterpiece of cinema that i've starred in | the onion
peyton manning's wife quietly asks how much longer papa john going to crash on their couch
hot wheels ranked number one toy for rolling down ramp, knocking over dominoes that send marble down a funnel, dropping onto teeter-totter that yanks on string, causing pulley system to raise wooden block, propelling series of...
kim jong-un's absence leaves north korean government officials no one to agree with
cannon overshoots tim kaine across wells fargo center
congress honors 9/11 first capitalizers
donkey kong left off new 'super smash bros.' game after failing to make weight
jeffrey epstein offers court $32 million child pornography collection as bail
homosexuality only thing parents can accept about son
bold strategy: gatorade’s new ad campaign pushes the notion that dumping gatorade on people is something you should do when you’re sad, too
salad suppliers pledge to continue including just enough in bag that some will go bad if you're single
scientists discover eating serves function other than easing anxiety
fuck this
chief justice roberts putters around house all day in gray sweat robe
chicken's eyes catch first-ever glint of sunlight through crack in warehouse ceiling just before head sliced off
gop warns refugees likely to be driven to terrorism by way america would treat them
mutant hockey league worried city of st. mucus won’t publicly finance new arena for ooze
celebrating an icon: president trump has invited joe camel to the white house in honor of being the coolest camel he has ever heard of
fans disappointed to learn 'fast five' contains no car-chase scenes
first day of school photos a chance to see how much cousin’s kids are chunking out this year
cnbc: 'anyone who owns a suit can come on television'
ex-marine says this rain nothing
republicans introduce economic equality bill for fun of shooting it down
pollsters admit they underestimated voters' adrenal glands
amazingly humanlike robot able to commit thousands of mistakes per day
oprah winfrey breaks record for most appearances on the cover of ‘o magazine’
historical archives: the twenty top-most books in print at present
woman amazed she found perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything
local bull dreams of traveling to spain for running of the bulls
nation's pansies announce plan to slowly acclimate to pool
this just in! people far away from you are not actually smaller.
man throws money at problem
lindsey graham struggling to stay awake while driving empty campaign bus overnight to next event
poll: 80 percent of americans in favor of storming castle, destroying inhuman monster
fruit of islam cause man to soil fruit of looms
once-cute cerebral palsy poster child now awkward cerebral palsy teen
news: you go, girl: just 3 weeks after her badass golden globes speech, oprah has become the dictator of venezuela after leading a successful military coup
new facebook feature allows user to cancel account
man unsure how fellow diners got impression appetizer was ordered for table
dream vacation turns deadly for area houseplant
life: social media fail: long john silver’s just posted a video of a hostage being beheaded with a swordfish in an attempt to go viral
video: people who worked at nasa tell stories of the missions they worked on
heartbreaking tragedy: hundreds are dead after the music of kings of leon seduced dozens of sea captains into wrecking their ships against the staples center
it’s woody allen’s birthday! we remember 8 great films and blatantly ignore that other stuff
uma thurman, ethan hawke to sire new race of homo celbritans
assault rifle in iraq losing track of how many times it’s switched sides during war
insufferable man utters words 'craft beer movement'
stripper not in phone book
hillary clinton to nation: 'do not fuck this up for me'
new dating site matches users with partners they deserve
biden tossed out of car passing by white house
philip morris introduces new marlboro sinus pm cigarettes
pмy god , i found my mother herep
historical archives: last month's weather
lasik surgery allows baron to see without monocle
group of hunky cardinals appeal to pope to relax celibacy requirement
dad clarifies this not a food stop
teen rebel refusing to purchase yearbook
san andreas fault feels terrible for what it's about to do
dr. scholl's introduces new freeze-away toe remover
report: you live in an embarrassing country
only name area man recognizes on ballot 'jill stein'
amazing original thing to become hated cliché in 6 months
gina haspel briefs senators on saudis' 'shockingly uninspired' khashoggi interrogation
area article nauseous from constant scrolling
star trek fan pretty sure show stole his idea
presidential limo guns it around corner in attempt to toss robert mueller from roof
news: we did it! the internet just got robert e. lee fired from hell’s only baskin-robbins
it’s shameful that we continue to pay college athletes nothing while the whistle industry reaps massive profits from their labor
the onion looks back at 'beauty and the beast'
ant colony comes to halt after death of popular worker
comics not just for kids anymore, reports 85,000th mainstream news story
bankrupt dot-com proud to have briefly changed the way people buy cheese graters
local woman dies of lost cell phone
u.s. mint employee disciplined for putting own face on nickels
exhausted john kelly parks president in front of episode of ‘tucker carlson’ to get quick hour to himself
gay teen worried he might be christian
cvs cashier can't wait to accept $20 bill from customer purchasing 3 different cough medications
don’t you fucking dare tabletop one of these world war ii veterans
jew-sponsored stock car booed off track
ozone repletion project nearly finished
deep, inherent sadness of favorite bar overlooked
wal-mart greeter at death's door
man regrets straying from sour cream and onion potato chips
mcdonald’s janitor would like to thank everyone who tossed half-full cups of soda into trash
new york times 'faces of the dead' editor just needs a couple more to fill out corner
encouraging teamwork: ‘apex legends’ has a button that lets players easily announce they have diarrhea and won’t be shooting anyone for a few minutes
unemployed sibling makes last push for group mother's day gift
local senior brutally folded in craftmatic adjustable bed accident
bp opens multi-floor, 1,000-pump flagship gas station in times square
pregnant jessica simpson pulls out fetus for photo op
shy friend experimenting with personality
mcdonald's fights world hunger with new triple-decker burger
author of 'introduction to algebra' recalls textbook being rejected by 12 publishers before getting accepted
news: major scandal: mit scientists were forced to behead an android after it fell in love with the garbage it was built to eat
red cross issues reminder they can't accept donations from people with loose blood cupped in hands
woman sick of being stuck in back half of velma costume entire halloween party
this is what a real train would look like if it had the proportions of thomas the tank engine
apple fans disappointed after company unveils same overpriced ceo that barely fucking works
voting machines elect one of their own as president
must see: incredible: this hero cop talked a suicidal person into going vegetarian
inspirational poster kitten falls to death after 17 years
disturbing teen trend: adolescents across the country are getting together weekly to worship a dead man named jesus christ
christ announces hiring of associate christ
doomed rabbit to teach 8-year-old about responsibility
trump makes last-minute push to appeal to whites
man who has clocked 137 hours in rpg can't believe he has to waste precious time watching cutscenes
john henson, craig kilborn meet for historic smug-bastard summit
area man does most of his traveling by gurney
supreme court upholds bill of rights in 5-4 decision
man who does everything at last minute wonders how you do it
candlelight vigilante takes commemorating into own hands
i had a terrible experience at this restaurant because i am a terrible person
jj abrams announces meryl streep will take over role of chewbacca
chinese woman gives birth to septuplets, has one week to choose
life: commander in strong: these 4 pictures of donald trump not being attacked by birds prove that he has utter dominion over the skies
executive on hot streak with 2 straight logical decisions
scientists discover mollusks are next evolutionary stage for humans
bollywood remake of fahrenheit 9/11 criticizes bush administration through show-stopping musical numbers
criminal prosecuted to fullest extent of budget
author dismayed by amazon customers' other purchases
life: fitness ftw! this new health app shows you pornography every time you take a picture of a vegetable
cheney waits until last minute again to buy sept. 11 gifts
paul reiser, benevolent possessor of many american hearts, looking to direct
woman's greatest dream to one day dance in studio audience of 'the ellen degeneres show'
2-year-old unaware he's basis for 6 couples' decisions not to have kids
flying squirrel loves it every time
video: richest man in america? this man is wearing two belts and throwing away fresh lettuce
index finger rips into toilet paper package like velociraptor claw
loose first-grader brings home different friend every time
friend attempting to provide comfort has no clue what the fuck she’s talking about
blog: if donald trump pardons me, i would be honored to serve as secretary of agriculture
pet turtle going hog wild on terrarium's new stick
life: the 6 most famous american political scandals
what’s in the green new deal
family feud pollster tired of asking strangers to name a fruit typically served with breakfast
'captain actual america' overweight, hopelessly in debt
so help me god, i’m going to eat one of those multicolored detergent pods
area man thinks he was fired because of recession
dept. of transportation to replace highway mile markers with dead raccoons
news: collectors rejoice! topps just released a limited-edition hall of famers pack that includes each legend’s stance on abortion
scarf tragically lost in 15-coat pile-up
lululemon executives furious after focus group leaves product testing with self-esteem intact
sweating cornnuts vp stammers way through pitch for ‘nutsarito’ at taco bell
"it’s an honor to continue being valued over countless human lives" - an ar-15
pope francis warns catholics this not good time to bother god
knife condemned to week inside saran-wrapped brownie pan
the creators of ‘blackfish’ are releasing a new documentary about how, on second thought, seaworld doesn’t make sense without whales
news: critical intervention: the u.n. has begun conducting emergency airdrops of female contraceptives deep inside the united states
vicious carnivorous animals painted on baby's crib
penis enlargement pills tested on dog
area smoker one of america's top phlegm-producers
home sex tape watched once
planning ahead: isis has asked donald trump to give more of a heads-up next time he drops a massive gift like the muslim ban in its lap
netanyahu defends new alliance with israel's far-right aryan supremacy party
hasbro concedes world not ready for rubik's chicken
regular citizen heroically enforces park's 'no glass containers' rule
list of names on gchat sidebar like a portal into area man's past lives
market rallies after fed chief shows off huge wad of cash
onion explains: the rise of china
startup very casual about dress code, benefits
defiant dallas police officer claims anyone could have mistaken black man’s apartment for gun
fuck, tampon scented
report: average american walks less than one mile each year with pants around ankles
brita unveils new in-throat water filters
populist candidate gaining support among underrepresented corporations
hip-hop man enjoys making musical rapping sounds
david lynch finally releases colorized edition of 'eraserhead'
new vcr made by communists, grandpa alleges
selfish missouri voters reject anti-union law after everything bosses have done for them
radio station playing controversial 'little drummer boy' on repeat in defiance of those who claim it contains sexually predatory themes
hillary clinton reveals zero in non-candid, tell-nothing interview
teen on birthright trip hadn’t expected to see so many dead palestinians
6 signs you’re the only one of the bank hostages not invited to chili’s afterwards
congress approves of $250 billion
fbi counterterrorism agent wistfully recalls watching 20-year-old muslim-american grow up
incredibly sad: this guy got a new blender and it literally changed his life
medicalert bracelet iced out
savings passed on to local woman
carhartt introduces rugged work thong
radio dj invites whole town to some bullshit
genuine happiness now seen only on game shows
risk champ flunks geography test
ray-ban a little unsure public can pull off 2012 series of sunglasses
'if only sully had been flying those planes on 9/11,' grade-a idiot remarks
ice machine reaches deep within itself to give man one more cube
department of education study finds teaching these little shits no longer worth it
highly touted terrorist prospect weighing multiple recruitment offers
freak accident paralyzes man from waist up
everyone in bustling chinese parade attempting to elude pursuers
mom brings home little plaque that says 'family'
news: keeping it civil: chris wallace has a gun to his head and will pull the trigger if the candidates interrupt each other
court rules meryl streep unable to be tried by jury as she has no peers
google's 9/11 homepage design stirs controversy
mueller kinda miffed that barr clearly didn't read his stuff like he said he would
trump campaign selects mike pence as concrete reminder that this all really happening
man who's only halfway through life can already guess how it's going to end
non-denominational terrorist organization welcomes extremists of all faiths
trump assures nation that decision for syrian airstrikes came after carefully considering all his passing whims
liberal activists encourage citizens to call their late-night hosts and urge them to oppose tax plan
weird al honors parents' memory with 'tears in heaven' parody
lucky old woman getting wheeled around airport
girl power! 7 women who are on this list
dog to allow child 3 more yanks on tail before putting an end to this
growing 'fat-earther' movement believes planet 2.4 quintillion pounds overweight
ice cube thrown into sink flies up side like skateboarder shredding half-pipe
man can't help but think he played small part in female coworker's success by not actively sabotaging her career
teacher grading papers next to you on plane not pulling any punches
popular designer dog breed just twisted spinal cord attached to collapsed lung
schlubs from u.s., china meet in lowest-level talks
busy executive has to take this call girl
‘the onion’ announces new nationwide literacy program encouraging kids to read ‘the onion’ for an hour a day
non-priest arrested on charges of child molestation
attack on freedom: hate-mongering hillaryites just shooed stephen miller away from the bird feeder where he was peacefully enjoying breakfast
news: actions have consequences: george h.w. bush’s wheelchair has been permanently tipped 70 degrees backward to punish him for groping women
mcdonald's introduces mccrazy burger
shopper takes bizarre journey beyond bed, bath
man getting screwed by company's $180,000 health deductible
beethoven's ninth symphony gives man idea to be genius of some sort
queen elizabeth hides out in bushes to catch whoever keeps stealing packages from buckingham palace porch
the onion reviews 'mamma mia! here we go again' (3:30)
report: rash not going away on its own
trump flees government oppression by relocating administration to remote cabin compound in mountains of idaho
girlfriend's dad pretty hot
outback employees return from mandatory 6-month walkabout in australian wilderness
line item on aetna insurance bill just 'paying for ceo's yacht'
ex-girlfriend flashback leaves man paralyzed in produce aisle
family hoping mother knows birthday nature walk a one-time thing
report: new iphone will no longer secretly record every word you say
aarp calls for 'comfier booths' at denny's
millions of policy proposals spill into sea as brookings institution think tanker runs aground off crimea coast
home | russian hackers manipulate recipe for vaccines
bill clinton has unibeam installed in chest
god flees universe with $250 in cash
rural south dakotan walks away from first encounter with jewish man, shaken but unharmed
man frantically returns to website that just crashed his browser
breaking: no news breaking
greenspan comes out of retirement for one more interest rate hike
marketing win: ray-ban won an award for its incredible ‘ray-ban 90% off true authentic ray-bans just $19.99’ social media ad campaign
news: impressive: after learning that a counterfeit handbag was made within its borders, china is shutting down all industry nationwide until a full investigation can be done
ad campaign for new $20 bill a success
elderly man skipping work uses 'dead grandson' excuse again
family embarrassed by way son died
prescription put in 2009 new year's eve glasses
han solo met chewbacca after clubbing chewie’s parents to death and stealing him as a cub: everything you need to know about ‘solo: a star wars story’
liberty university board concerned falwell’s corruption risks undercutting college’s mission of subjugating women and gay people
white house press corps wishes show of solidarity over banned reporter could be for better news organization than cnn
heavy police presence in ferguson to ensure residents adequately provoked
god loses pouch filled with crystals that give him powers
i am afraid the new ‘star wars’ movie will let us down but not as afraid as i am of dying in a car crash
beer summit 2.0: president trump has invited the racist nyc lawyer and the woman he yelled at to the white house so the lawyer can finish yelling at her
christmas letter ominously makes no mention of the twins
unattractive man not fooling anyone by dressing well
black-backed jackals seek asylum in wildlife preserve as preventative measure
7.1 billion demonstrate in favor of global warming
'les misérables' takes home oscar for most sound
nelson mandela evidently thinks world's journalists have nothing better to do than wait around like idiots
report: supplying police with high-powered military weapons to sharply reduce costs of shooting suspects multiple times
are you planning to buy the iphone 6? | the onion - america's finest news source
concerts held to wish world's poor good luck
news: finally! kotex is designing a tampon for young boys to drop into the toilet and watch explode
'yes, but how did he die?' ghoulish american public asks of recent celebrity death while rubbing delicate, bony hands together and smiling thinly
report: fbi learns of plot to download old school
this really sums up the crisis in gaza nicely.
'game of thrones' fans shocked after some little goblin or something killed off in last night's episode
disgusted robert mueller eats 2 20-piece chicken mcnugget meals in one sitting in attempt to get into trump's mind
area father remembers when he thought killing family, self was crazy
federal law enforcement officials unveil new food-crime equivalency ratings
sunday school teacher can already tell which ones going to hell
owner admits fantasy team in rebuilding year
'new york post' publishes report exposing alexandria ocasio-cortez's 9-figure social security number
saudi prince visits injured yemeni child in hospital to finish the job
area man's back aching after bad night's sleep, 58 continuous years of horrible posture
secretary of the ulterior clearly vying for better cabinet position
report: 10 million killed annually by stepping out of comfort zones
cbs reveals 'big bang theory' season 12 will explore why sheldon keeps job after sexually harassing 6 research assistants
blake bortles out to prove he's worth franchise-crippling contract
cheering crowd actually trying to get attention of guy behind iron maiden
onion social ceo caught by law enforcement at miami airport with $800,000 in cash
tired but changed-for-the-better friends meet at bar to discuss their thematically linked days
u.s. dignity reserves nearly depleted
mario batali reduced to selling bowl of ravioli on craigslist
report: most small businesses fail in first 6 hours of being on fire
kavanaugh says it's super embarrassing and sad that christine blasey ford still in love with him
nation healed by awesome sports highlight
only positive statistic of year announced
breaking: we might be doing a bad job
jews' covenant up for renewal with god
war talks begin at camp goliath
someone edited together the ultimate psa and it’s incredible
dunbar family forced to discontinue print edition of christmas newsletter
man who punches people for living somehow not paragon of progressive values
nation tired of having to skim past headlines about apple, samsung lawsuit
keystone veto buys environment at least 3 or 4 more hours
weather channel accused of pro-weather bias
bolton calls for forceful iranian response to continuing u.s. aggression
encouragement of family, friends motivating man to keep struggling indefinitely
news: body positivity win: ‘boys’ life’ magazine just picked a plus-sized boy for its annual sexiest boy alive issue
stock market 'best since 1928,' say investors
visiting parents do their best to praise son's new apartment
life: unsung hero: meet the man who is exclusively masturbating to all of the internet’s unloved ‘artemis fowl’ erotic fan fiction
congress reaches compromise to admit district of columbia into union as slave state
rachel maddow claims new audio damning enough to pad out entire week’s worth of shows
doctor asks new mother if she’d like to keep newborn’s exoskeleton
hillary clinton assured drop in polls just indication people haven't abandoned ideals yet
man wondering when ‘ocean's 8’ trailer going to show film’s protagonist
noxious minions of satan offer free installation through july
authority figure demands to know meaning of this
heaven installs spikes to keep cherubs from shitting on st. peter’s gate
report: there still time to convert to christianity before christmas starts
graduation ceremony a real broken fucking record about student who died in car accident
ryan zinke calls for legislation to slow down destruction of wildlife so he can truly savor every minute of it
eric holder announces least controversial decision of tenure
helpful waitress asks recently seated couple if they've eaten food before
biden donates collection of classic skin mags to those in need during holidays
neighbor's house fire kind of beautiful, actually
more than $30 worth of burned cds stolen from residence
family has way too many daughters for them not to have been trying for son
trump administration denies president was behind jared kushner’s promotion to 4-star general
preschooler asks to borrow classmate's notes on shapes
wildfire somehow rages back into control
un quietly pushed into east river
excited mike pence assures john mccain he has his 'last rites' kit ready to go just in case
iowa board of tourism launches 'des moines is des perate' campaign
art major to stop capitalizing name
ants demand 23.9-hour workday
hollywood's biggest stars endure long lines at oscars security screening
custodian taken into custody
democratic presidential candidates endorse new 'medicare for all'-branded cigna insurance plan for only $400 per month
dice rolled on hot dogs in back of freezer
new ups extended-tracking numbers give customers updates on delivery driver's location for years after package drop-off
cranberry juice industry hoping 2009 a big year for urinary tract infections
wayne lapierre accidentally blows hand off during cpac speech
powerball officials remove plastic balls from pig urine brine
mom guesses dressbarn closure means she’ll just have to go shop with all the sluts over at chico’s now
impoverished monte carlo family forced to live out of racecar
clinton tosses unpledged superdelegate in trunk of car
can you match your dad’s friend to the mistake that ruined his life?
kevin hart just going to assume he's in 'space jam 2' unless he hears otherwise
report: kanye west, bill gates, tom hanks all currently reading, enjoying this article
neglected google home sits by window barking at passersby
mueller wondering why there all this drama over trump's unpaid parking violations
shadow government attracts shadow protesters
hillary clinton mouthing along to presidential oath
matt damon dismisses ‘whitewashing’ controversy
abuse of power: donald trump just signed an executive order stating that he is allowed to get inside john mccain’s coffin with him
home-schooled student opens fire on breakfast nook
patriothole: blueprint for terror: is the wwe unintentionally showing terrorists how to perform america’s best wrestling moves?
an overview of posting rules and a welcome to the new subscribers
after one realizes methadone clinic nearby, behavior around city block makes sense
mike pompeo defects to north korea after learning about kim jong-un's torture program
life: pay your respects at the asimo graveyard, and 4 other plans for a perfect day in tokyo
noisy upstairs neighbors wake man at 3 p.m.
console wars heat up as zenith unveils gamespace pro
'without them you could buy anything,' whispers amazon echo as man stares blankly at family
area man considers self ally to women unless they threaten his status in literally any way
queen elizabeth announces success of monarchy’s recent diversity initiative
neglect of wife, children results in promotion
secret service not sure if that suit of armor was in oval office yesterday
obama's record-breaking fundraising effort bankrupting npr, world wildlife fund, aclu
alabama quietly strikes bo bice day from state calendar
woman doomed to years of hippo-themed gifts
hillary clinton: 'young girls should have an equal opportunity to one day feel power coursing through their body'
secret service shuts down biden’s unofficial white house tour operation
majority of time at party spent trying to figure out ride home
'what a crew!' comments man on instagram photo of fucking backstabbing traitors who couldn't be bothered to invite him to margarita night
aerobics show used for almost completely non-aerobic purpose
trump teeters on white house ledge weighing pros and cons of killing self right now to distract from mccain’s funeral
mom thinks you'd enjoy restaurant she can't remember name of right now
neighborhood would make a great video game level
‘oh god, what happened last night?’ says groggy mike pence after waking up in same bed as wife
share this video with your doorman to let him know you have his hat and will give it back after your nephew’s bris
laid-off website designer designs website about being laid off
'my parents hit me,' says bored 8-year-old trying to get reaction from dinner party guests
incredible devotion: this tibetan monk remembers to do his meditation app almost 5 days a week
who pushes for more 'ouchless' adhesive funding
teacher who dedicates life to students total fucking bitch
usa original movie not that original
‘it’s like all the president’s men meets rambo,’ says robert mueller describing report to congress
trump calms nerves before inaugural address by reminding himself he’s the only person who actually exists
demoralized jeb bush succumbs to new hampshire heroin epidemic
huge animal jumps right fucking out in front of area man
hero lawyer uses technicality to free guilty man
report: detroit bankruptcy might transform city into some kind of hellish, depopulated wasteland
relationship tragically enters going-to-bathroom-with-door-open stage
study finds only 20% of seminary graduates go on to become god
entire nation pitches in to save yosemite
attractive woman surprised to learn coworker a dick
gay conversion therapists claim most patients fully straight by the time they commit suicide
new study finds unplanned pregnancies continuing to decline in bruce springsteen lyrics
neighborhood starting to get too safe for family to afford
gaming addict attempting to slowly wean self off of real life
kremlin reports yeltsin in good health following burial
north korea tests out new knife in smaller escalation of threats to u.s.
bank teller manages smile with last remaining ounce of strength
feds bust massive child pornography corporation | the onion
u.s. census announces those people will be majority by 2043
nerd's parents afraid son will fall in with popular crowd
overwhelmed new grandparents finally feeling what it like to love a child
child who just wanted clothes spares uncle's feelings by pretending to like xbox
peyton manning tirelessly studying footage of athletes denying allegations
kidnapped hilton sisters appalled by captor's basement
report: fuck guy in kayak
nation's shark experts: 'you could've had this job'
gop leaders celebrate passing point of no return
overweight man repeatedly introduced to overweight woman at party
sheets changed after every breakup
every one of man's priorities unrecognizable to grandfather
christopher cross finally reaches mexican border
science-fiction novel posits future where characters are hastily sketched
high school suspends hunky student for wearing shirt
pope francis rides into st. peter's square on giant glowing lamb for easter mass
lindsay lohan said what?!
how about we go outside and settle this like emotionally stunted men?
prison economy spirals as price of pack of cigarettes exceeds two hand jobs
fox news now just airing continuous blood-red screen with disembodied voice chanting 'they're coming to kill you'
frustrated jesus christ forced to find 22nd vessel for reincarnation after death of charles manson
manafort clearly attempting to send judge encrypted whatsapp messages while waiting in courtroom
bob hope happy to see so many troops in heaven
giant hole swallowing up your house added to list of things to worry about
man has no idea what to do with good mood
cnn's john king now just swiping hands across everything
author accepts award on ghostwriters' behalf
area man reduced to this
pollsters admit they underestimated voters’ adrenal glands
returning west virginia teachers unceremoniously toss hundreds of dead class pets into trash
repressing freedom: china is censoring amir out of all ‘jake and amir’ videos so that citizens do not idolize his slothful, imbecile ways
every parent’s worst nightmare: this kid really, really wants to go to church on sundays
2018 winter olympics cancelled due to inclement weather
panicking tom brady unable to stop smirking since suspension overturned
point-of-purchase of no return
eggs good for you this week
life: ladies and gentlemen, please log off your computers, draw your blinds, and sit on the floor, for it is the time of year the radiator can be smelt!!!
ketchup crust on heinz bottle cap still dreams of one day getting onto hot dog
nra criticizes video game makers for downplaying portrayal of euphoric rush felt watching light leave enemy’s eyes
report: clinton accepted rebate while in office depot
r.a. has bad feeling about kid in cloak
jazz reminds fans racist, homophobic language has no place in good seats
prison economy spirals as price of pack of cigarettes surpasses two handjobs
lyndon johnson pulls ahead in poll of nation's alzheimer's patients
news: progress ftw! after barring jewish members for over 150 years, this charleston country club has switched to renewable energy
new numeric boggle challenges players to find integers
homosexual dolphin has highly developed sense of gay-nar
heartbreaking: tom delonge posted a 4-hour video of himself getting a prostate exam from aliens but everyone ignored it because he’s been so annoying with alien stuff for so long it doesn’t really stick
parents clinging to lone religious element of daughter's wedding ceremony
trump: 'it's my honor to deliver the first-ever state of the union'
end of last meals for death row inmates could decimate texas restaurant industry
personnel director really enjoyed meeting you
middle school janitor can already tell he's going to have to befriend new kid
researchers release teeny little minotaur into maze to test mice’s capacity to use enchanted string
lyft considering offering ‘zen’ mode for those who want quiet ride
anthony kiedis scabadabahospitalized due to complifoniacations from intestinal flu
mccain blasts obama as out of touch in burma-shave-style billboard campaign
baby's third through eighth words registered trademarks
royal wedding watch: the officiant just asked all of the eunuchs present to please rise, and now pretty much all but 3 guys are standing
eating entire box of donuts not originally part of evening's plan
royal wedding watch: prince harry and meghan markle have entered the pods container where their 8-month-long honeymoon will take place
capsizing boat passes u.s. in global quality of life rankings
the onion’s guide to gym etiquette | the onion - america's finest news source
best part of gay 12-year-old's day half hour spent eating lunch alone on staircase
this will change the way you watch ‘love actually’ | clickhole
nasa says presence of diving board on mars confirms planet may have once contained water
wedding guest in suspenders, bow tie unafraid to take dance floor
infant doing everything in her power to save relationship
congress agrees to $1.3 billion for protective border fencers
life: misuse of funds: wikipedia just admitted it spent all $77 million in user donations decking out the entry for mayonnaise
bush vomiting again
study: average person’s life plan can only withstand 25 seconds of direct questioning
lunchbox mostly medications
description of sexual fantasy changing with girlfriend's reaction | the onion - america's finest news source
man was himself for 27 minutes today
report: buddy dysmorphia sufferers experience skewed, negative perception of shape of friends
news: incredible: the man inside big bird has revealed that he was only able to control the giant puppet some of the time
crowd shocked after unhinged trump dangles baby from truman balcony
new premium uber service lets users commandeer any car
kentucky dmv introduces game of chicken to driver's test
nation did not see mark wahlberg's sex change coming
racehorse unaware it just cost some kid new braces
new evidence suggests humans may have been dipping crunchy things into gooey things earlier than previously thought
life: these people took self-portraits before and after angering the bishop, and the results are incredible
does shaving a hammer really make it move faster through the air?
coin collector has some pretty fucking nice coins
dog in purse stares longingly at dog in yard
life: doing the right thing: kay jewelers has announced it will now donate the unsold diamonds it throws out at the end of each day
tinder redesigns gender options
boulder, colorado, named best place to raise abducted children
chimp study on human-evasion response to feces-hurling nearly complete
life: ‘maintaining my virginity has given me incredible powers’: 5 questions with steven spielberg
man gains new disdain for band after seeing them live
life: 125 years of basketball: 9 ways the game has changed
breaking: still nothing
check it out: deer
thanks for weathering through with us
chicago introduces new citywide gun-sharing stations
winning lottery numbers so obvious in hindsight
best, most original idea man's ever had returns 114,000 google search results
democrats could lose up to 8,000 seats in upcoming midterm election
stephen miller furious at propublica for only releasing 7-minute recording of immigrant children sobbing
burger king's royal taster found dead
experts recommend just putting up with everyone else
kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day
quiz: is your horse infestation bad enough to call your landlord about?
man has carefully calculated timeline for revealing negative personality traits to new girlfriend
local moviegoer enjoying movie so far
updated alert: hold on, she’s gone again. we looked away for one second and now she’s gone.
school janitor's summer as human already a distant memory
zuckerberg wishes old people would stop commenting on facebook
raid introduces new lilliputian repellant spray
leonardo dicaprio nervous about telling new girlfriend he a virgin
man takes sober moment to reflect on fact that most of meal already gone
news: pride before the fall: 6 seemingly invincible crime bosses who finally went down for assuming fred flintstone was public domain
news: jeff bezos just tossed a nail-studded baseball bat on the floor between the mayors of pittsburgh and kansas city and asked who really wants the second amazon hq
area man winded after particularly lengthy wendy's order
campbells unveils one big can-sized noodle
jessica alba saving money for when audience turns on her
jonathan lipnicki to star as young 'dark helmet' in spaceballs prequel
4 times my dad ate a single oyster and started acting like the horniest person in the world because he read online they were an aphrodisiac
listen, area boss gets it
pretentious peasant insists he never watches beheadings
muslims need to start speaking out against radical islam, and if they’re already doing that, nice
researchers announce they don't have heart to reveal what will happen to 1 in 5 women
news: doing it his way: sean spicer just referred to reporters as ‘contestants’ and told them they’re on something called ‘the spice of life’
5 times a bearded man threw a dead owl at me and told me i was going to hogwarts
man forced to venture pretty far into wilds of internet to have opinion confirmed
scientists theorize what would happen if they touched a cloud
dad actually yelled at that guy
therapist feels bad for dating patient's daughter
monument designer to see if some other country wants to buy rejected war memorial
james harden pretty sure he felt something pop in lower beard
the onion reviews 'sully'
‘these kids should be in school instead of protesting,’ say people so tantalizingly close to getting the point
fuck, he must be really good: this world cup player just has one name
zoologists thrilled after successfully getting pair of bengal tigers to 69 in captivity
cdc officials announce free ice cream for everyone, delicious tasty ice cream, and also there is an ebola outbreak | the onion - america's finest news source
unbeatable 'jeopardy!' champ says key to success is threatening other contestants with nail-studded baseball bat during commercials
grey parrot disappointed to discover rest of aviary a bunch of idiots
everything we learned about ‘elder scrolls vi’ from breaking into todd howard’s house and trying on all his clothes
ice agent can't believe he being reprimanded for child who died all those months ago
new smithsonian exhibit honors thousands of pets who joined workforce after owners left to fight in world war ii
applebee's to offer divorced-father-and-child specials every other weekend
local man hates self, family, others
cnn graphic designer asked to combine dollar sign, syringe, fighter jets, panda
divorced man doesn't even recognize smiling, happy family in photo that came with frame
starr taunts clinton with humiliating 'sittin' in a tree' song
'gta v' a sophisticated gaming experience, says man who spent 3 hours running over homeless people with fire truck
kathie lee gifford denies getting sincerity implants
mitch mcconnell sees infinite healthcare plans after dropping acid to inspire ideas for obamacare replacement
rookie justice gorsuch assigned to supreme court overnight shift
family now openly wondering when grandma will die
barbara bush passes away surrounded by loved ones, jeb
secret service agent not so secret about being david alan grier fan
incredible discovery: oxford researchers have determined that king tut would have been their best friend
'new york times' moves all content you won't give a shit about unless you make at least $200k a year into one convenient section
maybelline announces it will stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of the night
5 beautiful hot dog fantasies you can lose yourself in to escape the misery of your everyday life
nelson mandela admits thoughts, prayers of millions played no part in recovery
kindergarten class burning through 6 hamsters a year | the onion
jay-z's grandfather busted with trunk full of canadian prescription drugs
eric trump poses with carcass of safari guide shot on african hunting trip
'fortnite’ players up in arms over new map addition after discovering its deli counter only features 2 types of salami
jellyfish can't wait to fuck up honeymoon
obese doctors urge nation to eat three meals a meal
life: finding common ground: this white man and this muslim woman both have ‘trump’ painted on their garages
commas, turning up, everywhere
nader supporters blame electoral defeat on bush, kerry
absolutely heartbreaking: the editor of snopes just listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax
it unclear which half of couple settling
redwood tree completes 300-year plan to lean slightly to left
ham glazed to dangerously delicious levels
halliburton employee's pay docked for weeks spent as hostage
cd projekt red announces ‘cyberpunk 2077’ will have a gender-neutral character creator, however everyone will be christian
total idiot resorting to tribalism decades before climate catastrophe makes it necessary
report: statistically speaking there's decent chance pope francis molested someone
u.s. upset after aliens land in italy
starbucks to close 8,000 stores for racial bias training
parrot's previous owner obviously watched a lot of the price is right
aunt scores big with nephews by dropping bombshell story about mom smoking weed as teenager
17-year cicadas horrified to learn about 9/11
insufferable 8-year-old won't stop chanting 'romney'
guy from sopranos drops by local pizza parlor for free slice
new excedrin 'lights out' kills you dead on the spot
poster vandal enters 'phallus in mouth' period
man exhausted after having to explain halloween costume for umpteenth time
man brings visiting parents into office to meet coworkers who can't stand him
area child disappointed to learn parents' love unconditional
survey: americans watching better sex than ever
the key to getting pregnant is letting everyone know you’re trying
department of transportation introduces padded bumper lane for intoxicated drivers
missing park ranger found in better-paying job
dea claims 'rabbits' will get stoned if utah passes medical marijuana bill (x-post from r/joerogan)
classmates.com employees don't have heart to tell ceo about facebook
amazon reaches 1 trillion labor violations
guy wearing chewbacca costume torn between seeing ‘star wars’ and ‘the big short’
fun-loving, laid-back woman with a bit of a nerdy side joins online dating service
father's day gift way shittier than mother's day gift
mumford and sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for christmas
grumblethor the mischievous pleased with mayhem his magical antics have wrought upon white house–fbi relations
complex human being reduced to 'gutter guy' for purposes of to-do list
report:someone robbed that kfc again
report: 83% of americans just want to put on sunglasses and say 'let's do this'
bobcat escapes national zoo
financial planners suggest spending one evening each week ripping apart walls, floorboards in search for cash
terrifying man selling dead trees out of middle school parking lot
bird of paradise just staring at david attenborough during courtship dance
study finds girls go through manga phase earlier than boys
[american voices] airlines offering complimentary in-flight college courses
trump: ‘we will fight in afghanistan until victorious, or i change my mind, get distracted, look bad, or get bored’
redbox debuts new touchscreen in back of kiosk for pornographic features
generous improv troupe performing for free
white house says mueller report must be kept private because it’s so exonerating it would drive public mad
report: this week’s all fucking hell breaking loose projected to be 30% more insane than last week’s complete shitshow
god excited he only two mortgage payments away from owning heaven
sean spicer’s agent tells him if he calls trump’s conduct ‘troubling’ she could probably get him on ‘american ninja warrior’
woman been thinking about getting bangs for past 8 years
anderson cooper decides to keep recent gay conversion therapy private
bob dole to build 'trench to 19th century'
pope francis wearing sweater vestments he got for christmas
sexually awakened peta president announces that being kept in a tiny cage all day actually sounds hot as hell
new study recommends insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day
not as heartwarming as it could have been: anthony hopkins just showed up at this high school 8 months early to ask a girl with a temporary neck brace to prom
campus tour guide reminds students at each stop they have to get in first
physics teacher's car accident would've made perfect example for class
eric cantor tossed by bucking mitch mcconnell during congressional rodeo
[metatheonion]base of unmarried women 21+. faster. link activ 45 min!
musical the kind with number about putting on a show
god furious at every human who isn't actively trying to get as fat as possible off bounty he provided
family concerned after aging tv show has another terrible episode
nation's dogs dangerously underpetted, say dogs
sci-fi film presents vision of future in which women never speak to each other
'why are you still sleeping on u.s. women's soccer?' asks sports website's first article about women's soccer in four years
gina haspel nervously rubs lucky prisoner's foot during cia director confirmation hearing
major misfire: this kid clearly thought ‘masterchef junior’ was some sort of bodybuilding contest
exxonmobil ceo depressed after realizing earth could end before they finish extracting all the oil
gray wolves sighted in capitol building for first time in 85 years
fearmongers, warmongers gather for annual mongering conference
trump administration refusing to disclose names of white house diamond elite members
joy sucked out of room by pumped-up manager
sick, elderly man screaming about foreigners stealing from him
shameful: salman rushdie used his blurb for this young author’s debut novel to advertise a speedboat he’s trying to sell
new law determines bullets no longer responsibility of owner once fired from gun
christopher plummer probably nailing it in 'king lear' somewhere
life: safety ftw: this nonprofit gives women the keys to a different apartment so they can have a romantic walk home without letting their date know where they live just yet
disgusting couple always interacting in public
receptionist takes leave of absence citing dehydration, exhaustion
dad finally found in front of tvs at sears
majority whip displays impaled senator outside capitol building as warning to all who cross party lines
scientific american somehow makes woman feel bad about her body
offbeat congressman having trouble finding committee to fit into
rookie trucker always on cb to mother
area loser blissfully unaffected by whims of stock market
area man likes food
8th grader impregnated during trip to 'march for life' event
girlfriend acting all clingy after getting pregnant
mueller immediately regrets coercing michael cohen to flip on trump after having to spend time with him
coalition of concerned parents condemns video games' false depiction of how easy it is to smash wooden crates
it turns out enough of you have googled ‘pikachu breastfeeding barack obama’ for this to be an economically viable list to publish
dozens of black-rubber-clad masochists line up outside capitol for paul ryan's job
u.s. aid to venezuela just lit stick of dynamite painted to look like carrot
new archaeological find suggests mary magdalene was actually a size 12
todd akin spends whole night wondering what went wrong
man wakes from nightmare relieved it only expression of his real-life problems
in honor of the vatican's latest announcement:
eating enthusiast acquires chocolate eclair
security failure: president obama has been sitting alone in the kansas city international airport for the past 4 days
9/11: government admits it was only behind destruction of north tower
papa john's founder launches new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters
american public clarifies rational, measured response to this terror threat doesn’t preclude panicked overreaction in future
drunk nutritionists recommend eating entire frozen pizza at 3 a.m.
immigrant laborers hired to delete spam
butterfly fuck-swing filled with junk mail
daring bush returns from egypt with crystal skull
clickventure: pleasure this fern
a mythical land: no one has ever seen anyone shopping at the huge store in the mall full of rhinestone-studded party dresses that’s always blasting royalty-free club music
mark zuckerberg recalls coming up with idea for facebook after seeing dopamine-addicted lab rat starve to death
fear of being alone, ticking biological clock wed in beautiful outdoor ceremony
grizzly bear sprained paw while mauling hunter, reports ranger
an authentic experience: peloton is manufacturing an indoor exercise bike that will have the exact the same rate of accidental death as riding a bike outside
amy klobuchar pledges to fight everyday americans
overweight man to lose weight if he gets really overweight
guy typing in all caps supports edward snowden
leonardo dicaprio kisses bear before going up to receive oscar
repressed molestation memory not what it was built up to be
'there are no good options in syria,' sighs man who has devoted 12 minutes of research to topic
whatever goes on in a couple’s bedroom is between them and the god they live to spite
mar-a-lago assistant manager wondering if anyone coming to collect nuclear briefcase from lost and found
news: roadblock to justice: the russia investigation has stalled after robert mueller found a book of 1,001 brain games you can play at work
responding to criticism: ice has issued a statement informing the public that they should just be happy it’s not doing experiments on these kids
monsanto develops hardier strain of corn that yields 4 times normal litigation
dad's number-one fan also number-one tax break
historical archives: dances you may wish to try
hollywood analysts still not sure how 'saving silverman' broke box office records last weekend
elderly man who’s outlived wife by 8 years must not have loved her very much
they said what?!: find out what kristen bell, julius peppers, and paul giamatti have to say
still relevant fours years later
berserk hairdresser cuts bangs without permission
report: friend has been going by middle name this whole fucking time
cia to shift focus to greeting cards
man always wanted to raise family in kind of place where white people greet each other on the street
the 5 best pupils in my swim class for badgers
drake's introduces new yodel bandolier
report: 94% of south dakotans unprepared for mt. rushmore faces coming alive and eating everyone
12 top-paying jobs in the u.s. | the onion - america's finest news source
hero financial officer saves 12 grand
new instant lottery game features three ways to win, 19,839,947 ways to lose
man with no real-life career goals knows exact job he'd want in harry potter universe
report: average male 4,000% less effective in fights than they imagine
news: hypocrisy at its finest: this congressman who vocally supports hunting rights has confessed to secretly having an affair with a deer
life: make them yours! use the slider to buy some congressmen
museum proudly exhibits picasso shitty enough to be in kansas city
joe biden shows up to inauguration with ponytail
fear factor creator's will: 'heirs must eat my ashes to collect inheritance'
news: turkish forces have just seized control of isis’ caliphate adventure theme park
bully tragically trusted to sign arm cast
woman's tan lines don't make any sense
netflix instant thinking about adding good movie
new department of interior program to reduce deer population by providing free condoms to fawns
ken burns not sure how to turn down ray romano’s repeated offers to narrate next documentary
friends trying on each other’s glasses revel in glorious mayhem of having slightly different prescriptions
little caesars marketing new marshmallows 'n' gravy pizza directly to president
u.s. postal service appoints first leather-clad postmistress general
mark zuckerberg defends decision to fly confederate flag at facebook headquarters
self-centered child blames divorce entirely on himself
i can't believe i told those little shits that i'm batman
an excellent example of civil disobedience (1:53).
poignant dying words wasted on dumbshit nephew
pentagon announces plan to cover cost of hormone treatment for servicemembers doubling down on biological sex
hugging up 76,000 percent
campaign announces clinton has entered incubation period after securing nomination
historical archives: iroquois inſurgency quelled by gov't.!
asian teen has sweaty middle-aged-man fetish
bold strategy: pam is now marketing its cooking spray as bug spray too since you gotta figure that anything you spray at a bug for a few seconds should kill it
study: 83% of web content unfit for human consumption
dave & buster’s opens new fine dining, gaming outpost david & benedict’s
study: average father thinks about sealing in meat’s juices 4 to 5 hours a day
woman feels like she’s finally ready to start receiving unsolicited vulgar messages again
lindsay lohan's rehab stint off to great start—and she's gone
tenants feel guilty asking elderly maintenance man to fix anything
heavily starched shirt only thing keeping larry king upright
irish wake a blur
60-year-old corporate executive grotesquely forms word ‘hashtag’
bush regales dinner guests with impromptu oratory on virgil's minor works [gem from 7/06/05]
rudy giuliani adds more planes, towers with each subsequent retelling of 9/11
nation unsure which candidate's plan to destroy the environment will create more jobs
cartoon character translated seamlessly into noodle
politicians ignoring the dangers of jowl implants
michael phelps apologizes to nation after tasting subway for first time
update: 'the onion' is immediately suspending production on our basketball infographic video directed by brett ratner
mumford and sons take home coveted 'vest of the year' grammy
partygoer vows to fix keg
avoiding family conflict during the holiday season
the pros and cons of body cameras for police
ruthless recruitment tactics: isis is offering new members a free canvas tote bag when they join for a year
halloween decorations blending in nicely with christmas lights
white house insists it won't dictate the manner in which kavanaugh exonerated
mom triumphantly drags hotel pool lounge chair back to family like fresh kill
tragic oscar-night camera malfunction leaves seven critically underpublicized
jewelry company jumps gun with engagement ring commercial featuring polyamorous triad
friend who not into dogfighting really ruining match for everyone else
patient zero kicking back in 38c with episode of 'new girl'
news: animal rights win! a u.s. court just ruled that if a chimp rips your face off it gets to keep it
jerry jones vows cowboys stadium will be most spectacular ebola quarantine center ever
health experts recommend standing up at desk, leaving office, never coming back
world doesn't even know who to admire anymore after tom hanks murders 5
humiliated baboon unable to keep ass swollen in front of mate
iran moves to ban events of mass destruction
roommate, girlfriend never seem to have sex
report: most college males admit to regularly getting stoked
vegan unaware pineapple he's eating once used to beat cow to death
man pleased to find most of his mid-'90s anti-hillary rant still usable
new body negativity campaign promotes idea that ugliness comes in all shapes and sizes
posthumously recorded bob dylan album receives rave reviews
historians reveal aqueducts were only small portion of ancient rome’s intricate water park system
child who just lost balloon begins lifelong battle with depression
high school bully worried victims will realize he actually retarded faggot himself
zoologists: ape neurology much like that of banana-obsessed humans
undecided debate viewer waiting until he hears same responses for seventh time before making decision
slowly rotating pie a metaphor for trucker's failing marriage
mccain silences critics with perfectly executed cartwheel
good to know: the makers of cap’n crunch have revealed that the cap’n uses the bathroom outside like a dog
item individually wrapped for no reason
donut shop gets weird after 11 a.m.
hanes, fruit of the loom locked in bitter struggle no one else aware of
william barr agrees to release nonverbal, abstract visual representation of mueller report
masturbating mom can't get bobby flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering
relationship experts say mailing body part to ex on valentine's day only way to win them back
biden investigated for questionable workers' comp claim
i only invaded iraq to impress slenderman (by george w. bush)
patriots tired of jimmy garoppolo beginning every huddle with ‘this is my team now’
luke, owen wilson recall meeting on set of 'the royal tenenbaums'
fridge magnet pushed to limits
man praying interviewer doesn't ask any questions
teary-eyed tim kaine asks clinton if his hair will grow back in time for election day
obama slips 'hope' into speech for the fans
new seals & croft cd club offers 600 seals & crofts cds for a penny
news: a new intimidation tactic: sean spicer is wearing a suit three sizes too small and drinking water from a thimble to make the press think he is growing
everyone on defense team an equally matched romantic interest for member of prosecution
third-grade slumber party a snakepit of machiavellian alliances
anarchy symbol updated to appeal to today's teens
facebook: 'identifying hate speech is difficult because some posts actually make pretty interesting points'
speculation mounting over which fired nfl head coaches to be emasculated as coordinators next season
awesome: tums has released a commemorative 200th anniversary tums bottle because they assume it’s probably been 200 years of tums by now
teachers are so important!
historical archives: a brief "bring-you-up-to-date"
insect with limitless flying space rockets straight for man's pupil
nationals gm introduces players to new stepmanager
report: there an adult superstore off exit 16
more americans concerned illegal immigrants will take their spot on couch
denis leary drops by comedy club to try out new ford commercial
news: cracking down: the nhl has unveiled a new hyperbolic penalty box that makes 3 minutes inside it feel like 500 years
male bonding leads to bail bonding
vacationing woman thinks cats miss her | the onion - america's finest news source
grandma in nursing home starts adorable little sexual relationship
golden retriever mauls 5 in huge victory for pitbull apologists
fbi investigators struggling to keep track of all the draftkings employees nicknamed 'd-blaze' while sifting through emails
life: the end of an era: after 68 years, the hells angels have all gotten carsick and are going home
jeff sessions spits in face of fbi interrogator trying to get him to turn on trump
jeb bush’s children vehemently deny having ever loved father
family wishes dad could find healthier way to express emotions than bursting into full-blown musical number
warning!! on this site a lot of people who want to find a sexy adventure
following ray bradbury's death, thousands of people buy kindle version of book about demise of paper books
archaeologists discover cave where ancient humans first had to pretend to like friend's art
parent of the year! this single mother of 3 works 2 jobs and still makes time to relentlessly stalk cuba gooding jr.
the week in pictures – week of july 23, 2018
st. christopher statue embedded in motorist's forehead
baby found on doorstep moved to neighbor's doorstep
guy looking to feel horrible about aspect of everyday life decides to watch documentary
man at gym just watching tv
eagles fans finally sober enough to return to work
wealthy socialite falling for unrefined but beautiful lower-class populace
emotional elon musk recalls spending entire birthday working on concepts for mistreating employees
congressman picked last for committee on youth fitness
resistance democrats cheer nancy pelosi after viral photo surfaces of her sitting quietly and deferring to room of corporate lobbyists
obama still hasn’t figured out how to adjust height of oval office desk chair
"artist always carries around sketchbook in case he feels like making someone uncomfortable"
feds break up brutal las vegas man-fighting ring
family without candy sits huddled in darkened house like londoners during the blitz
richard simmons fighting for life in estrogen tent
everyone on wedding dance floor simultaneously wondering if they're truly happy
playground treated to hot pug-on-pug action
tips for paying for college | the onion - america's finest news source
area man mentions that people have said he looks like tom cruise
fda approves new pasta shape
high-end persian rugs attend trial in show of support for paul manafort
these common household items could kill you
clinton credits nevada victory to inescapable, pitch-black tide of fate
article: damage control: to woo back users, uber is donating half of its drivers’ wages to syrian refugee charities
republicans poised to retain control of senate
report: you have won!
pope francis hastily condemns capital punishment after vatican police announce new evidence found in 2014 stabbing
car salesman three desks over going on and on about chick he banged last night
republican establishment quietly relieved party no longer their responsibility
area man unsure if he's male-bonding or being bullied
quiz: which one of the kids who i sell samurai swords to are you?
creepy weirdo still stalking you on facebook
softball team unsure of how to console jackass captain who just struck out
man just going to assume this counts as 'minced'
'we must restore rule of law,' says trump as aides pass out revolvers to audience
jogger clearly on first run of plan to turn life around
scientists propose rebuilding arctic ice
morale low at state department after only employee fired
area man panics after accidentally 'liking' 381 of his ex-girlfriend’s facebook photos | the onion - america's finest news source
report: guy just put 10 bucks in jukebox
fetus going to pretend he doesn’t hear loud argument coming from other side of uterine wall
nutritious lunch brought from home broadcasts middle-aged coworker's recent health scare loud and clear
'i just want a substantive, issues-oriented democratic debate,' lie thousands of americans hungry for unhinged trainwreck
community that came together to pay for kid's cancer treatment goes bankrupt too
friends, family admit they expected man's mental breakdown to look completely different
'home improvement' announces plans to suck more
news: feminism ftw: pornhub just released a feature for women that warns you beforehand if the guy in the video looks like an old-ass weirdo
study: 30% of people who quit smoking relapse after shakily raising cigarette up to lips when agreeing to turn state's evidence
inspiring: this reddit user asked the internet to track down mount rushmore and they delivered in a big way
all flights grounded after faa officials suddenly realize that man was not meant to fly
immigrant also applying to a few reach countries
crowd at trump rally realizes they've been chanting 'we are frightened and helpless' for last half hour
mom locked in infinite loop of purchasing, returning items from lord & taylor
5-year-old reluctantly lets crying mom sleep in his bed again
smoker inspired by sight of elderly smoker
'bang, bang,' bored white house sniper whispers to self with random tourist's head in crosshairs
levi's factory implicated in cruel treatment of denim cows
kendall graveman throws mlb's 214,937th imperfect game
should the nfl combine get rid of the 40-mile dash?
7 things women wish men would do during sex
sole bar of soap makes circuit from sink to shower
woman deriving some sort of sick pleasure from healthy new diet, lifestyle
romney privately wondering how in the name of fuck he's going to appeal to asian voters
tell me why you deserve a presidential medal of freedom in the comments. got a bunch of them lying around still, could probably send some out later on
intact benetton shirt miraculously pulled from bangladesh rubble weeks later
ted danson totally nails tonight show interview
justin trudeau unveils plan to meet healthcare needs of canada's aging prog rockers
nation schedules recurring monthly benefit concert to streamline tragedy response process
amazing phenomenon: america’s heavyset sunburned men wearing basketball shorts as bathing suits have begun their annual migration to the jersey shore’s boardwalk punching bag arcade games
painful reminder celebrates fourth birthday
child assured most monsters do not exist
executive reschedules wife's birthday for october
state appoints obviously hungover attorney
patriothole: president trump needs to stop retweeting anti-muslim videos posted by british bigots and start retweeting anti-muslim videos posted by american bigots
lunch place uses way too much mayo in fruit salad
thomas jefferson impersonator reenacts famous cell phone shouting match with wife
news: staying pure: mike pence is crushing his testicles with the lincoln bible after being aroused by the feminine contours of the capitol building
female barista getting a lot better at avoiding touching male patrons’ hands when they pay
raytheon employee going to be pissed if bonus just missile again
the onion is valued at $500 mil, more than many of the newspapers it parodies (x-post r/til)
fda relaxes definition of smoothie
fantasy novel not holding back on criticisms of dwarvish culture
ethical eating ftw! chick-fil-a has announced it will no longer get its chickens by kidnapping people in parking garages and transforming them into chickens with witchcraft
climatologists secure funding to breed glaciers in captivity
man suddenly regretting asking to be taken seriously by peers
large mirror brought out onto oscars stage gets resounding 6-minute standing ovation
increasing number of americans unable to point out map
congress to meet at feingold's house today
huntsman quietly relieved to be polling poorly among gop voters
former president carter sole attendee at 1997 solar power summit
cyclist friend explains necessity of $35 socks
tae kwon do instructor gets little thrill out of pairing off completely mismatched 8-year-olds
child baffled by stationary, non-violent images
bill & melinda gates shocked to learn ghanaian school never intended to pay back money lent to them
book-club meeting degenerates into discussion of oscars
candidate to accuse opponent of racism just to see what happens
divorced father buys string cheese to make coming to his place fun
blood in the water: these people enjoying a very casual conversation about miyazaki movies have no idea that there is an absolute miyazaki freak lying in wait among them
only way base jumper can get thrill these days is by jumping tandem with endangered species
clive cussler realizes latest novel not thrilling 3 hours after sending it to printer
news: adorable: barron trump dressed mike pence up like his favorite toy soldier and brought him down to supper
defense department typo results in u.s. attack on ira
company you've never heard of wants to reward you for your good credit
cool dentist doesn't give a shit about patients' flossing
trump accuses voters of meddling in midterms
researchers no closer to understanding what the fuck you're talking about
woman under impression she being discreet about fishing stray hair out of bra
anarchists rise up, move to different cafeteria table
lebron james credits teammates with providing 4 bodies necessary to avoid forfeiture against pacers
news: education ftw! the latest mcgraw-hill history textbook includes a chapter on the time mcgraw and hill took the greatest road trip of all time
billcosby.com now somehow most eerie site on entire internet
technophile has coolest junk drawer ever
gordon ramsay said what?!
man putting huge amount of pressure on self to excel at completely meaningless activity
bible only work of fiction in family's home
life: we don’t know how to take down these photoshops of bald donald trump, so we’ve stretched his face out all wide so nobody can recognize it’s him
matt damon mans warner brothers booth at college campus'€™s career day
death officially a motherfucker
industrious otters now capitalizing on oil spills
parents finally cave and buy 33-year-old son playstation 1
‘i’d like you to post long, aggressive rants on social media,’ says bernie sanders in supporter’s interpretation of speech
gay man unaware he focus of thousands of prayers
man in mickey mouse suit obviously attempted to eat ribs
dept. of evil: 'all of you must die'
fcc passes mandatory garofalo/griffin guest-appearance regulation
elderly parents staying active by frequently going to friends' funerals
cracking sound alerts man he reaching styrofoam plate's weight limit
stevie nicks dancing alone on beach under full moon
dubious inclusions damage credibility of entire record collection
character witness told he doesn't have what it takes to be star witness
sea claims flip-flop
life: should you ever let your spouse see your ass? these new graphs suggest that keeping it hidden could help you live forever
dedicated russell westbrook stays late after practice to miss 100 extra shots
nation's boyfriends dreading 'free event in the park' season
terrorism fan site full of spoilers
man announces plan to take out anger on first less powerful person he sees
cnn releases photos of 3 obese mexican women suspected in boston bombing
study: ‘hangin’ in there’ best one can now feel
5 questions: ‘i’m running for governor of new york because i’m sick of seeing rats ride the subway for free’: 5 questions with cynthia nixon
mitt romney soars in polls after leaving country
local band attempts to track down mysterious visitor to its website
liberal arts graduate realizes he's already forgotten 90% of human condition
new co-op airline offers cheaper fares if you help fly the plane
last few republican senators form roman tortoise
life: 5 strip clubs that have stuff for your parents to do
jimmy carter forced to remove dozens of genital piercings before entering mri machine
high school students line up for school oil portrait day
goldfish teetering on edge of sanity
japan spotted hovering over algeria
bath & body works scientists destroy experimental scent unfit for mankind
tan asshole still on island time
video: at last: man shows his pet tarantula a maraschino cherry
tearful daniel pantaleo embraces family in loving chokehold after returning home from station
news: customer service ftw: when this woman complained on twitter about her keurig not working, keurig beheaded their ceo
media company looking for ways to get rid of veteran 24-year-old employee
chilling: this new anti-smoking campaign demonstrates the horrific effects of having to make small talk with a coworker by the dumpster
presence of three round objects triggers juggling reflex in local man
baby boring
morning after morning after pill re-impregnates guilt-ridden women
library of congress adds 'no sleep 'til hammersmith' to national motörhead registry
syrian electronic army has a little fun before inevitable upcoming deaths at hands of rebels
weather channel correspondent paddling boat through melted sidewalk to show off extent of heat wave
old gypsy woman run over without consequence
obama clinches 'joe cabernet sauvignon' vote
mom produces decorative gift bag out of thin air
yoga teacher has way too much on plate to fuck any more students right now
report: that's expensive, please put that down
equifax impressed by hackers’ ability to ruin people’s finances more efficiently than company can
pantomimed lasso motion fails to pull woman across dance floor
holy fuck starwipe is going too hard
garage orchestra hands out demo at boston philharmonic show
model railroading a harsh mistress
billionaire ceo donates rat's ass to world's poor
opera ends on unexpected high note
`no way to prevent this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens.
cheney offspring bursts from bush's chest
watching faces of students as they finish 'the lottery' highlight of english teacher's year
flu clinic selling 2009 version of vaccine for a few bucks cheaper
man can't get police to care about his bob crane murder theory
new hefty ad campaign targets body-disposing demographic
bike helmet protects child from helmet-inspired beating
inspiring! this nonprofit took the world’s last northern white rhino on an unforgettable trip to six flags
waters tested as 12-year-old says 'shit' in front of mom for first time
life: finally! a pregnancy test that congratulates you for having sex before showing you the result
it almost as if rite aid cashier doesn't care about reputation of rite aid corporation
male friends depart for annual camping trip to complain about camping
new lawn-care product makes neighbor's lawn less green
area man willing to give up any of muslims’ rights necessary to feel safe
wall street journal lays off 150 stipple-portrait artists
report: things finally as bad as trump claims
historical archives: a puzzle for the mind
some stupid thing making the rounds among your facebook friends today
study finds they just don’t make ’em like ginger rogers anymore
paul krugman's facebook friends excitedly posting about new article he got published in 'the new york times'
dysfunctional family brought together by liquor
life: it’s your man jeff, 9 times
housekeeper too busy to be sassy
report: this not a gun
jeff sessions argues family separations only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle immigrants with bare hands
heartbreaking: this man works for a website
barbara bush calls white house to see if she can leave husband there for few hours
life: appear as an extra in a bollywood movie about your own assassination, and 4 other plans for a perfect day in mumbai
area man under impression he got dressed up
we interview shigeru miyamoto about how watching a giant ape beat his father to death with a barrel inspired ‘donkey kong’
catholic church rules perjury not a mortal sin
federal court ruling requires private businesses to install handicapped-accessible wheelchair jumps
pastor always knew agnostic would come crawling back to church for wedding
u.s. fish and wildlife service reintroduces straw hat-wearing boys to old fishin' holes
wildest friend called up from bench to help woman get over breakup
each member of family on edge as vacation has gone by without one blowout fight
senator brings obscene material to national attention
guy you don't want to see will meet you there
midwesterners descend on insurance company's free nail files
congratulations, you can now launder money on clickhole.com!
monster truck driver beginning to suspect crowd is cheering for truck
ice detains tim kaine for speaking spanish at campaign rally
canvas shopping bag celebrates third year on doorknob
olay introduces new line of pre-moisturized skin
barr releases catatonic mueller after removing all sensitive material from special counsel's brain
‘big little lies’ producers forced to blur reese witherspoon's face out after realizing she never signed release
new, lighter iphone hailed by exhausted, humpbacked iphone 4 users
flu vaccine recalled due to defective government tracking microchips
experts say puerto rico still extremely vulnerable to future u.s. government
report: dzhokhar tsarnaev left really nice thank-you note to boat owner
area woman just itching to complain if anyone objects to nativity scene in park
few more items knocked off list of desirable traits in partner as woman turns year older - the onion - america's finest news source
rough start to the royal wedding: the officiant just introduced meghan markle as ‘michael morgle’
report: takeout place put burrito in completely different container this time
okay, which one of you guy fawkes motherfuckers switched out these cute koala pics for wet koala pics?
michael dukakis wakes up not angry for first time since 1988 election
guy wearing thumb drive around neck wonders if you tried hard reboot
first automated foxconn machine immediately tries to commit suicide
stephen hawking warns about dangers of ai as motorized wheelchair drives toward lake
nicole richie's beautiful figure ruined by pregnancy
incredible realism: the campaign in the next ‘call of duty’ will begin at your avatar’s high school cafeteria when he’s being tricked into joining the military by a recruiter
royal baby born
new roommate bestows apartment with unexpected windfall of end tables
quincy suspects murder
man playing 'battlefield v' has now spent more of life fighting nazis than grandfather did
cigarette tax hike to pay for iraq war
god weirded out by christian who loves him after only month in church
loser woman hasn't even inspired one bar fight
starbucks offering new lukewarm coffee to help ease customers' transition from iced to hot
american medical association changes stance on self-immolation
secretary of interior says knocking down rocky mountains could really open nation up
twitter rant: take that, drumpf! planters peanuts just announced that even though mr. peanut really wants to have sex with donald trump, they will never let him
cleveland indians game delayed as slider goes into labor on field
vegetarian can't bring self to eat ihop's funny face pancakes
office bad boy sees right through team-building exercise
mayor daley's son appointed head of illinois nepotist party
obama to assure nation that isis campaign will be drawn-out ordeal they're used to
realtor emphasizing neighborhood’s proximity to much nicer neighborhood
‘so what did i miss?’ asks michael flynn tilting large flower on lapel towards trump
white house adds eight inches to white house fence
compassionate fisherman doesn’t have heart to throw trout back into incredibly polluted lake
dad explains obamacare
man who never missed 'ally mcbeal' back in the day joins trump legal team
'with binomials, just remember foil,' reports man keeping teens from having sex between 2:30 and 3:20
spelling error leads to elaborate cover-up doodle
‘humanity deserves to live in darkness,’ onion social algorithm cries out before bursting into bright light, disappearing from earthly realm
report: this movie old enough that they might have actually hurt dog
internet collapses under sheer weight of baby pictures
bald man just going to have to accept entire head will turn bright red from time to time
overpopulation concerns force u.s. to reopen south dakota
area man fills important 'demand' role in economy
ferguson pool supply store overestimating how badly looters want chlorine tablets
sesame street: 'bert and ernie are not gay, they are depraved pansexual perverts'
pope francis is aggressively campaigning on twitter for ‘holy eucharist’ to win lay’s new flavor contest
anne geddes starting to lose it
man overjoyed he no longer has to purchase entire day's worth of egg mcmuffins in morning
16-year-old excited to have whole summer to plan shooting for next school year
area woman prefers to get same advice from as many people as possible
biden pulls off dusty tarp covering old campaign motorcycle
bruno mars takes home coveted 'least threatening artist' award at 2018 grammys
new after-school program aims to keep children off streets for additional 45 minutes
mueller: 'well, we got the liar. probe's over'
milo yiannopoulos’ book canceled
yalie strikes harvard lad sharply about the face and neck
opium-inspired ad executive composes epic tums jingle
stuffed gorilla only into you for your shelf
universe honors david bowie with emotional starlight vigil
bolton argues war with iran only way to avenge americans killed in upcoming war with iran
quiz: are you secure enough to handle a few digs about your porcelain dove collection?
how coastal cities are preparing for climate change
bill gates offering $1 million to anyone who can design condom he can't break
americans experiencing slightly different kind of numbness today
secret santa seems to think you a big 'laverne & shirley' fan
drunk man staring at ihop syrups
fec extends election by 7 months to give nation chance to better get to know candidates
houghton mifflin harcourt releases new leather-bound philip roth
wal-mart greeter knows exactly how many blacks in store
'hands across liechtenstein' raises $30 for liechtenstein charities
sleeping middle-aged businessman in airport suddenly so childlike, so vulnerable
woman all geared up to complain about work sidelined by friend with marital problems
george lucas announces gala 21st anniversary star wars rerelease
report: 79% of world’s attics remain unexplored
americans outraged amazon's punishing work culture has yet to yield same-day shipping for all products
troubling study finds majority of americans who got it aren't flaunting it
woman decides period over
u-haul introduces new catapult rental service
area man's got a ton of shit on his mind right now, okay?
life: bold move: camel is advertising to kids again because it seems like enough is going on in the world that no one will notice
area dad informs busboy he's ready to order
president’s lawyers move to discredit michael cohen by pointing out history of committing crimes for trump
gaunt, hollow-eyed big bird enters sixth day of hunger strike against proposed trump budget
the onion on facebook... similar to:
thomas edison invents marketing other people's ideas
caterpillar in pupal stage for past 3 months going to be pissed if it turns out to be moth
health inspector repulsed by restaurant's customers
trump orders all flags to half-staff in honor of american killed on episode of 'blue bloods'
nation offsets carbon footprint by planting single 300,000-foot-tall tree
man races against time to take out trash bag with widening puncture
'no way to prevent this,' says only nation where this regularly happens
natalee holloway, osama bin laden celebrate 5-year wedding anniversary
nation leery of very odd little boy
news: bold strategy: the cia is declassifying a few of their secrets so that more people feel comfortable being vulnerable with them
apple introduces revolutionary new laptop with no keyboard
bo obama issues first public bark since leaving white house
the week in pictures – week of february 6, 2017
going-out-of-business sign thanks neighborhood for 3 months of no support whatsoever | the onion
even business card trying too hard
biggest emmy nomination snubs [satire]
rick steves cleaned out by gypsies
coachella unveils premium vip areas where fans will be able to see, hear bands
study finds expressing anger in unhealthy ways actually incredibly satisfying
islamophobe disappointed manhunt over before he even had chance to indiscriminately vilify all muslims
fck*my dear cheated on me! here are pictures of her, masturbate ...!*
copy of 'the scarlet letter' can't believe the notes high schooler writing in margins
chinese officials vow to fix nation’s crumbling reeducation system
obama asks biden not to stand so close
15,000 brown people dead somewhere
pierce brosnan offended by way new james bond holds gun
police department deploys fancyclothes cop
gym patron just resting for a second until will to live returns
tiger always checked out of local zoo
nelson mandela celebrates 94th birthday in prison after violating parole
report: gen x irony, cynicism may be permanently obsolete
trump locked out of white house after accidentally revoking own security clearance
man finally able to forgive self for terrible mistake he made 2 seconds ago
what mom would have wanted evolving over course of funeral planning
fans excited as 'solo' trailer sheds light on specifically how it will suck
uptight matron enjoys handful of pills
quirky restaurant's bathroom had better fucking deliver
new spiritually correct doll lets children show where and how jesus touched them
libertarian reluctantly calls fire department
‘the name on my birth certificate is actually “the ‘dwayne johnson’ rock,” but people always get it mixed up’: 5 questions with dwayne ‘the rock’ johnson
ruth bader ginsburg suspended for next 10 rulings following supreme court bench-clearing brawl
'active shooter at large,' reports endless background hum of modern american life
macarthur genius grant goes right up recipient's nose
germany disavows ties with the scorpions
college accepts safety student just in case top choices don't work out
‘coffee cultivation merely extends the system of colonial oppression,’ recite nation’s 180,000 radicalized starbucks employees after 3-hour anti-bias training
new mit study suggests sonic the hedgehog might be living in computer simulation
new stapler makes all other staplers look like worthless shit
‘no way to prevent this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens | the onion
year of law school now mandatory for nation's 25-year-olds
cat placed on 5 minutes’ half-assed observation after possibly ingesting plastic thing
fbi reveals maria butina traded sex in exchange for all 62,984,828 votes trump received in 2016
teary-eyed wrestlers bid farewell to friends made at summerslam
nation's fourth-graders continue to trail nation's fifth-graders
king of comedy's death ignites 100-year war  for throne
elderly man who's outlived wife by 8 years must not have loved her very much
sexy woman can tie banana peel into knot with tongue
child visiting ellis island sees where grandparents once toured
redemption: this senior class really came together to plan the senior prank after dropping the ball on the fundraiser for a classmate’s surgery
video: whoa: 1 out of 1,000 people who click on this will get straight-up porn
tiny dog suffocates in louis vuitton bag
nra praised for decreasing stigma of mentally ill acquiring firearms
disney world mascot could use a fucking vacation himself
'i'll make those bastards pay,' teary-eyed mueller whispers into locket containing photo of james comey
marine biologists reveal that majority of world's oceans remain boring as shit
garrison keillor fully deflates after massive sigh
a beautiful send off: school scatters longtime janitor’s ashes to clean up kid’s puke
new country-music video has look of 1991 rock video
justice department: 'want to see a dead body?'
cnn's hollywood minute announces special two-minute season premiere
republicans blame election losses on democrats
fox searchlight purchases two hours of super bowl air time to advertise entirety of the ringer
sessions rattles baton along prison bars in speech vowing to crack down on violent crime
'that first date is going terribly,' think diners watching couple celebrate 5th anniversary
report: 98 percent of americans afraid of 98 percent of americans
broken ornament relegated to lonely existence on side of tree facing wall
world’s oldest woman just pleased every other human on earth when she was born now dead
pond a little too serene
matt damon mans warner brothers booth at college campus's career day
voice recognition software yelled at
blues musician to u.n.: 'yemen done me wrong'
4 billion years of evolution unable to prevent area man from drooling on self
trump: 'there is hatred on both sides of my heart'
the onion’s best photojournalism of 2016
kfc introduces new bird-flu dipping vaccine
alan colmes loses argument with nephew
counselors quarantine homesick campers
how does a hive mind keep a synchronized swimming team so coordinated?
life: 6 old acquaintances who conveniently came out of the woodwork right when i won a lifetime supply of angelo parodi sardine portoghesi all’olio di oliva
horrified geologists uncover millions of rocks in sprawling mass grave
libyans agree to come up with something for qaddafi to do all day in exchange for him leaving
scientists make discovery about world’s silt deposits but understand if you aren’t interested in that
salvadoran earthquake registers 0.2 on local man's consciousness
documentary viewer can't wait to find out which 4 lads from liverpool changed music forever
'what if no one travels anywhere ever again?' wonders panicked transportation secretary
new epa regulations would force power plants to find 30% more loopholes by 2030
cloned cheney lacks charm of original
glaxosmithkline releases new drug to treat people who just feel sort of weird sometimes
life: probably bullshit but still a little scary: ethan is claiming that his super soaker is filled with pee
is the media biased against trump?
oprah invites hundreds of lucky fans to be buried with her in massive tomb
invasive restaurant franchise spreads to third state
movie characters happen to pass through pamplona on the one week bulls run
mcdonald's janitor would like to thank everyone who tossed half-full cups of soda into trash
furious jeff bezos reams out ‘washington post’ editors after catching another copy-editing mistake
6 celebrities that share a birthday with a guy
white supremacist founds new kkk chapter open to black, gay people | the onion - america's finest news source
youtube rushes to shut down school shooter's account over copyright complaints
fox cancels apatow's 40-year-old virgin
green bay taxi driver has seen whole heck of a lot
life: heartwarming: this doctor let an injured boy keep his shoulder dislocated for one day so he could creep out the girls in his neighborhood
driving instructor has own gas pedal in case student total pussy
7 embarrassing résumé blunders to stop making immediately
ralph northam admits he once engaged in pedophilia as part of michael jackson costume
'apex legends' players finally getting good enough to make game impossible for average people to enjoy
students excited to see slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year
ethan hawke's body found dumped in laurel canyon as 2019 oscar race heats up
must see: not sure this counts: this kid’s science fair project is just a frog in a jar
new education program inspires economically advantaged youth to express themselves through funding the arts
area 5-year-old telling, area 5-year-old telling
horrified subway execs assumed people were buying footlongs to share with a friend | the onion - america's finest news source
literally amazing! this incredible dad loved his family so much he got eye enlargement surgery so he could look at them more
'you did the best you could,' says iron man action figure voiced by despondent toys 'r' us ceo packing up office
woman saves 75 cents
life: reignite the falklands war and 4 other plans for a perfect day in buenos aires
‘it’s real easy,’ declares it guy about to speak incoherently for next 30 seconds
aging airliner flies out to sea to die
new iphone application tracks progress of deceased loved ones' decomposition
steven spielberg recalls coming to blows with e.t. on film set
mall santa crying hysterically in photo with toddler
area man beginning to think he has memorial day off
redcoat holdouts still fighting american revolution
report: ants having some kind of party inside crack in pavement
45-year-old man self-conscious, embarrassed by new, unexpected changes his body going through
5 ways different cultures look at death that will make you feel better about accidentally backing over your mailman
model to give acting a shot
oxfam: 'your donation will help us protect impoverished girls from our employees'
small business still manages to mistreat workers like large corporate chain
majestic pine recruited for yosemite by national park headhunters
mccain speechwriter trying to write lines that don't lead to creepy smile
paul ryan grudgingly impressed by angry protester who's matched his running pace for 9 miles
news: new exercise guidelines: the american heart association has announced that that guy who runs at like 9 p.m. every night can cool it
signed 8x10 of tony danza draws millions to brooklyn dry cleaner
study links clinical depression to getting dunked on
life: totally fucking blue-balled: this physics teacher took her class on a trip to six flags, but gave them a mandatory assignment to do during it
guantánamo detainee ruled not mentally fit to testify about psychological torture
man pulling in $1,000 per month has nerve to complain about minimum wage laws
news: major improvement: amber alerts will now include an option where you can text back ‘yikes’ after getting a mobile notification
diners eating impossible burgers doused with beet juice by protesting meat-rights activists
news: historic: now that danica roem’s been elected, trans teens have enough role models to stop convincing themselves chaz bono is cool
‘low-energy jeb,’ whispers jeb bush sitting alone in dark watching televised trump speech
woman quickly cycles through non-threatening voice inflections before expressing concern
trump rolls back transgender protections
our nation's guard rails: are they safe enough?
trump insists that now, more than ever, americans must stand strong in face of empathy
boeing lays off only guy who knows how to keep wings on plane
irs announces refunds will come in form of forever stamps this year
area woman becomes republican vice presidential candidate
man always gets little rush out of telling people john lennon beat wife
portugal finally gets it together
obama not ruling out u.s. military action in congress
new 'joker' trailer introduces iconic villain to same generation of fans
archaeologists: egyptian pyramids actually early attempt at camping
bush, cheney stand back-to-back, cock shotguns one last time
trump delivers touching tribute to fallen heroes of wwe
americans demand military response after chinese shoot down directv satellite
roommate's work schedule remains complete and total mystery
guys with boring jobs really hitting it off a few rows back on airplane
out-of-control conversation safely turned back onto self
disgruntled bolton shoots 17 un delegates, self
bbc upgrades flap to row
bartender going to pretend that last drink was supposed to be served on fire
man votes early to get week bragging about it out of way
baffled dnc plant roy moore not sure what else he could have done to defame republican party
disgusted researchers can’t even bring themselves to find out how much mayo the average american consumes yearly
bath & body works now offering free lotion tastings
senate leaders warn it too early to discuss trump
gm workers strike for 2,000-peso raise
side salad clearly made from hamburger toppings
a bold stance: the u.s. army is angrily tweeting how it’s total bullshit that 12-year-olds are basically considered adults on advil directions but not during wartime
paul ryan grudgingly impressed by angry protester who’s matched his running pace for 9 miles
man's ironclad grasp of issue can withstand 2 follow-up questions
pope francis sneaks leftovers to false god moloch at back door of st. peter's basilica
prescription label recommends just taking more and more until something kicks in
the case for and against getting rid of the penny
trump accuses obama of wiretapping him
pepsi ceo's wife buys coke when she's mad at him
woman in ninth year of letting boyfriend down easy
'just take it slow, and you'll be fine,' drunk driver assures self while speeding away in stolen police car
poll finds 97% of americans don't know who donald trump is
man’s heart stops as speaker asks audience to turn to person next to them
sony reveals first playstation 5 details
nasa announces selection of two hot, ripped astronauts for man-on-man mission to mars
roy moore refusing to withdraw from alabama 13-year-old
school shooter thankfully stopped before doing enough damage to restart national gun debate
even paul haggis doesn’t think crash deserved best picture
loser hiding behind winning smile
newly discovered dna evidence suggests children could be closely related to humans
ice cube that man couldn't pry from tray lives to see another day
news: finally: the indians are replacing their racist mascot chief wahoo with a white woman wearing a native american halloween costume
report finds letting stranger bum cigarette sole act of human compassion still in practice
the onion reviews 'avengers: age of ultron'
ravens lauded for brave decision to cut ray rice 4 months too late | the onion - america's finest news source
life: awesome! disney world is opening a brand-new park for people who liked disney movies as a kid but have a healthy sense of detachment about the whole thing now
betsy devos argues issue of guns in schools should be fully left up to individual shooters
man somehow overcomes alcoholism without jesus
master architect constructs most structurally innovative pile of dirty dishes to date
nation's aunts announce their 2018 thanksgiving boyfriend roster
oat farmer seriously thinking about getting into barley
diabetic, gout-ridden kim jong-un by far healthiest person in north korea
nation on edge as court votes whether to legalize gay marriage now or in a few years
pope wins host-eating contest
u.s. intelligence: nukehavistan may have nuclear weapons
cia finds definitive evidence of second shooter in jfk assassination
sweet karma: your high school computer lab teacher who installed the browser blocker that stopped you from playing flash games is very sick now
life: heartbreaking: robert de niro has been raising his hand in a sbarro for over 6 hours but no one has called on him
local man's fear of snakes increases with each snakebite
hydra decides to see doctor about painful ingrown head
self-conscious man clearly the only one in japanese restaurant unsure how to use water glass
fda defends decision to reclassify alternative milks as ‘nut sweat’
god freaks self out by lying awake contemplating own immortality
out-of-state license plate seen
obama announces plan to store nations extra stuff in large plastic crate
‘well that’s nice,’ say calm, pleased eagles fans after super bowl victory
madd psa clarifies it's okay to drive drunk if it'll be big pain to get car tomorrow
food network production assistants prep guy fieri with dry rub
soirées that wendell, our damnable oaf of a manservant, ruined in 2016
controversial ‘heartbeat bill’ passes in ohio
half of morning run spent trying to change song on phone
city adds some big concrete stairs
nasa relaunches astronaut jim lovell to 'finish the job'
mitt romney still thinking about running for president in 2012
demonic spirit claws way out of hell to flicker lights, throw some silverware around
'you know, i directed it too,' bradley cooper says out loud again to no one in particular
first-time carjacker wasn't expecting a stick shift
they said what?!: find out what chris wallace, aretha franklin, and cameron diaz have to say
study finds you irrelevant to success or failure of bollywood film 'zanjeer'
paul ryan confident american people will warm up to tax plan once they realize life a cruel and meaningless farce
court summons comes with 1,025 free hours of aol
"i am equal to any man," says stern woman who likely does not menstruate
these clowns are still beautiful even without their makeup
heart attack a real wake-up call for man's insurance provider
child therapist excited to actually be seeing patient with psychological issues
thin mints exchange hurried farewells as carol enters breakroom
line of lizards winding out door outside national geographic casting office
fake-a-wish foundation introduces dying child to brett favre lookalike
tom bosley named secretary of naps
christian pornographer refuses to film sex tape for gay couple
coworkers unable to put finger on what's weird about gary
owner tearfully releases american pharoah after triple crown win
new stamp honors 41-cent stamp
michelle obama shutters 'let's move!' program after failed 3-year run
good cop, avid-stamp-collector cop routine not working
facebook: ‘identifying hate speech is difficult because some posts actually make pretty interesting points’
uneducated nba star urges kids to stay in school
couple brought together through mutual desperation
israel passes law cementing itself as exclusive nation-state of benjamin netanyahu
life: real trooper: this 9-year-old boy is doing a pretty good job staying focused on ‘minecraft’ at this sleepover while his friend gets spanked by his mom in the other room
man hoping people notice how many folding chairs he’s carrying at once
folk art museum acquires rare visitor
usda admits weight loss not possible for people who don't like salmon
dating profile flatly states man looking for someone he can control
circus runaway not looking forward to hometown show
area man's bathroom a monument to ongoing war against his own disgusting body
cnn technicians rush to empty wolf blitzer’s urine tank midway through election coverage
determined restaurant patrons tough it out on chilly patio
we asked 22 survivors of the 2010 chilean mine disaster what’s the worst mine disaster they’ve ever experienced
‘the president can suck my big fat dick,’ says rex tillerson in veiled attack on trump
stepmom doesn't expect kids to call her stupid bitch right away
senate votes to add gratuity to all bills of eight provisions or more
obama not sure how to handle compliment
clinton 'glad to be back in civilization again'
angela merkel opens up to the only newspaper she trusts
archaeologists unearth earliest known shithole located super far from everywhere
nintendo reveals ‘smash bros. ultimate’ will allow characters to repeatedly punch self in face to freak out opponent
server unbelievably touched to be asked own opinion on whether enchiladas or burger better choice
financially struggling trump campaign holds fundraising riot
apple announces tim cook mini
study: 72 percent of high-fives unwarranted
purple '91 honda accord lovingly dedicated to la raza
home depot introduces new 100-pound bag of mulch for fucking up back in garden section
high school breathes sigh of relief as difficult teacher ages out of education system
self-conscious flasher fully clothed under trench coat
kid can’t catch a break: this 8-year-old who tragically died young has reincarnated as his grandma’s toilet
online recap of tv show attracts 25,000 readers who have given up on life
forgotten genius: this man working in obscurity as a computer programmer was once a kid who dazzled the schoolyard by holding himself suspended between two walls
we put a falcon and a rabbit in the same room together. what happened will not surprise you.
bush determined to find warehouse where ark of covenant is stored
julian assange arrested in london
life: beautiful! the met is unveiling 200 previously undisplayed paintings of men who look like they’re named ‘fat sal’
bowling birthday party enters 5th agonizing hour
wacky forensics investigation turns autopsy-turvy
beefy little boy on boogie board misses fourth wave in a row
denny's introduces 'just a humongous bucket of eggs and meat'
gorgeous 25-year-old dead at 79
police sketch artist admits to only drawing people who have wronged him
dermatologists recommend regularly checking body for screaming demonic face bulging out of skin
couple going at it like tired, sexually incompetent rabbits
u.s. army now just chasing single remaining isis soldier around ruins of syrian village
clinton found alive
annoyed boss can tell employees watching ncaa tournament on his computer
life: 8 things people who sweat a lot love to hear
7-year-old loses respect for shrek after seeing him in burger king commercial
5-year-old says 'sesame street' has sucked since 2010
clinton to plo terrorists: 'leave the girl out of it'
guinness world records promotes man who can lift 27 pounds with tongue to editor-in-chief
local lutheran minister loves to fuck his wife
uninformed buffoon barely comprehends conversation about taylor swift
pocket electronic-bible-verse database coveted
crimean voters excited to exercise democracy for last time
new 'cut off your genitals' challenge gains popularity among teens online
queen elizabeth disappointed in new royal baby boy’s lack of proper inbreeding
mom decides enough time has passed to lose touch with paramedic who saved son’s life
local band finds great photo for flier
ncaa investigating god for giving gifts to athletes - the onion - america's finest news source
man surrounded by loved ones feels awkward being only person dying
house wayans and means committee approves $50 million in funding for ‘white chicks’ sequel
mass graves: are they really more cost-effective?
‘golf questions only, please’: a frustrated tiger woods just stormed out of a press conference after reporters only wanted to talk about his beautiful homemade ketchup-packet gown
philip morris lawyers deny cigarettes are cylindrical
every new yorker found murdered
quiznos releases new 6-foot-long party man
cory booker expelled from senate, stripped naked, forced to wander maryland bog in woe for all eternity
report: feeling bad right now most reliable predictor of feeling bad forever
life: 6 silent chores you can do upstairs while your son and his mean friends hang out
kavanaugh nomination falters after washington post publishes shocking editorial claiming he forgot daughter's piano recital
linebacker faces suspension for genocide
self-actualized historians urge nation not to get hung up on the past
alex jones returns to humble roots of screaming conspiracy theories through megaphone at people in park
life: disturbing trend: teens are knocking all their teeth out to look more like how they imagine emma stone will look in 75 years
cinemax director wins award for skinematography
orrin hatch: ‘as a father of daughters, i don’t give a flying fuck what happens to them’
report: music industry made $18 in 2009
unemployed dad channels all his energy into creating, running haunted house
new 'game of thrones' teaser shows cackling, power-mad george r.r. martin burning completed 'winds of winter' manuscript
man failing to heed harsh lessons of past orders sonic bacon cheeseburger toaster
shop class in rich school district just teaches students how to deal with general contractors
46-year-old spinster dies surrounded by cats
surgeon general recommends exercising once every several months during flash of panic about health
new envelope pushes envelope envelope
experts refuse to warn of any new health hazards until americans deal with current backlog
celebrity killed in mid-air 747 collision
area cockroach fucking huge
the top search result on the onion's website
halliburton given contract to rebuild cheney
shell assures nation most arctic wildlife to go extinct well before next spill
news: planning ahead: isis has asked donald trump to give more of a heads-up next time he drops a massive gift like the muslim ban in its lap
america votes for president
report: majority of instances of people getting lives back on track occur immediately after visit to buffalo wild wings
deeply troubling: it’s looking like the bank of america sunglasses this guy got for free are gonna be his go-to sunglasses for the whole summer
too proud: dad is clearly trying to play down how much he enjoyed a vegan meal
scientists continue developing alternative energy sources for americans to waste
burger king franchise owner adds sad little personal touches to restaurant
‘what if no one travels anywhere ever again?’ wonders panicked transportation secretary
disembodied voice in elevator wants to know way to san jose
beekeeper wishes he understood women like he understands bees
people-watcher catches glimpse of rare north american black doofus
nation’s limo drivers spend magical prom night playing scratch-off tickets in parking lot
skittles unveils new liqui-gels for fast-acting fruity flavor
toll-booth girl hit on quickly
lice having blast trying out different wigs at costume shop
new prescription fish tank eliminates need for glasses while looking at fish
george kennedy's honor riding on internal breath freshener
wrong pre-fab house delivered
man at point where thought of reince priebus controlling white house pretty comforting
romney comes clean, admits he made $32 trillion in 2006
news: political crisis: antonin scalia’s vacant supreme court seat has become a hookup spot for local teens
boeing unveils 40,000-foot emergency slide
hillary clinton’s speech to goldman sachs
former presidents convene for liver spot summit
report: everything made in sweatshops
kavanaugh on sexual assault allegations: 'i miss high school'
bewildered white house press watches dueling huckabee sanderses each claim she the only one telling truth
heart-shaped jacuzzi  clogged again
bush spends day feverishly booby-trapping desk
boarding school student receives wet william
60-year-old corporate executive grotesquely forms word 'hashtag'
ceiling fan's one burning ambition to come loose and murder everyone in denny's
depressed nra member half-hoping son will accidentally shoot him
fox news covers spring break pretty well
as chief of police, i believe even 500 murders is too many
video: heartbreaking: hibachi chef tries to make meal on a regular table
10-year-old first responders rush to bike crash scene to check out tyler's fucked-up leg
beautiful: jerry stiller called this terminally ill child at 3 a.m. last night to tell her an idea he had for a new type of sushi roll
7 total randos found dead
market evidently capable of supporting more than one reality show about cake
t.j. maxx recreates in-store shopping experience with new website that randomly scatters products all over the place
life: finally! a woman worth risking it all for!
stumbling drunk chuck grassley warns kavanaugh accuser she can testify all she wants but no one's going to believe her
sean spicer cradling comfort pig throughout briefing
police headquarters completes new addition to accommodate officers on desk duty for misconduct
unemployed man vows to wake up early, finish watching movie | the onion
diplomatic pete buttigieg quickly changes subject from politics at town hall to avoid arguments
weak-willed senators bend to interests of powerful american people
south dakota asked to water north dakota's crops over the weekend
video: post this video to your wall every few hours to let your friends and family know you’re still alive!
cryptic new laundry room rule hints at tale of bizarre infraction
cameraman finds sole black person in studio audience
arab-american third-grader returns from recess crying, saying he didn't kill anyone
heimlich demands maneuver royalties
video: adorable: watch this elderly woman tell her grandson what things she plans to eat once doctors put his teeth in her mouth
good night's sleep changes nothing
paul ryan cuts $120 million in wasteful spending from romney campaign
pope francis worried about job security after butting heads with new god
study finds cats only meow when they want to alert owner of neighbor's murder they witnessed through window
apple announces plans to sell power mac g4 for $120
baseball statisticians unveil new analytics model measuring precise amount of joy they suck from the game
the week in pictures – week of august 13, 2018
nation’s bison hold lavish fundraiser in effort to get 2020 candidates to support environment
cavs teammates sheepishly tell kevin love they’re not aware of any postgame parties
obama accidentally seated next to taliban leader at tense white house state dinner
butterfly under immense pressure not to fuck up timeline with misplaced wing flap
picture of lemur printed for no goddamned reason
obama, romney urge americans to purchase 'the onion book of known knowledge'
americans urged to get saving $30,000 out of way before obamacare repealed
errant keystroke produces character never before seen by human eyes
man knows exactly which asshole got him sick
faa installs 36,000-foot-tall air traffic lights
denny’s introduces new 3,000-spider-egg omelet
report: just go ahead and tell yourself bribery is the only reason you didn’t get into columbia
george clinton, della reese meet to discuss key hairstyle issues
hillary clinton clearly tailoring debate answers to unclaimed new york superdelegate
candidate with no chance of winning nomination settles on goal of crushing hickenlooper campaign
long-forgotten g4 correspondent still producing remote segment on 2012 e3
'you are the jewel of my collection,' says saudi prince while guiding frightened jared kushner toward harem
zion williamson in panic after realizing game falls on same night as theater club production
nation suddenly concerned about black man's opinion
fox producers attempt to tire out aggressive candidates before debate by letting them run around outside
man running aimlessly with olympic torch for past 3 years
laura ingraham claims protesting parkland students don't have enough gun knowledge to criticize nicholas cruz
nation clinging desperately to brief inspirational moment before being thrust back into raging election maelstrom
troop leader awards boy scout with 'tried to save best friend' badge
reconstruction finally completed on field destroyed by united flight 93
rand paul escorted off stage after falling below 2.5% in middle of debate
15-year-old girl viciously torn apart by rabid pack of peers
scientists pinpoint part of brain all your hair grows out of
family braces as autistic son discovers amtrak's 'track a train' webpage
gun control fail: this duck found a gun in a bush and is now pushing it around the park with its beak
jeb bush bungles several questions on first day back at home
new montana tourism campaign marketed toward urban bison
nation's weirdest teenager buys season one dvd of 'murphy brown'
ad for drummer personally attacks old drummer
newlyweds regret saving sex for marriage
if we can find a way to photoshop the right half of a palestinian boy’s face with the left half of an israeli child’s face so that it kind of looks like one face why can’t israel and palestine find peace?
prego marketing new marinara as 'the premiere sauce for the #metoo moment'
exxonmobil, chevron locked in bidding war to acquire lucrative pennsylvania senator
remainder of ross ice shelf now in smithsonian freezer
'back to dock’ voted most popular destination among current rowboat passengers
who has the best dick in baseball?
president admits trump tower meeting was to get dirt on clinton
report: 57% of all activism involves petitions to bring back discontinued food items
study: women fake orgasms to increase sexual arousal
awkward encounter not awkward at all when masturbated about
7-year-old apparently under impression everyone knows who the fuck aunt dee-dee is
bartender developing a remarkable tolerance for alcoholics
so-called professional gamer not even racist
report: 79% of minority suspects receive miranda rights while unconscious
american airlines to phase out complimentary cabin pressurization | the onion
viewers annoyed episode of 'the bachelorette' interrupted just to announce person who will set back social progress 40 years
devin nunes threatens defamation lawsuit after reputation ruined by his official twitter account
out-of-control hand gesture sends bernie sanders tumbling off stage
news: stepping up to the plate: crayola has announced that all of its markers will now inject you with epinephrine
rick perry speech electrifies 1,200 scared, miserable racists
area man obsessed with knowing if kevin spacey asshole in real life (from 2011)
college-aged female finds unlikely kindred spirit in audrey hepburn
woman celebrates 4th year of weaning self off facebook
struggling supreme court loses eighth consecutive case
shoddy chinese-made stock market collapses
pacific ocean quarantined after contact with carnival cruise ship
report: some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host olympics now
heartwarming: this dad built a life-size aggro crag for his sons who have no idea what the fuck that is
blog: i don’t have much in the way of friends or family, but i like to think that i am rich in money
poll reveals you live in country where mentally ill man still has good chance of being senator
obama scrambling around white house kitchen before state dinner
baby feels foolish after realizing stranger waving at toddler next seat over
manifesto calls on fellow white americans to rise up and maintain status quo
despite claims, long story not made short
artist always carries around sketchbook in case he feels like making someone uncomfortable
leonardo dicaprio morphs back into hairy, overweight iowan after finally receiving oscar
study: americans enjoy watching tv, eating
pentagon loses hard drive with all the movies on it
life: beautiful: make-a-wish sent chris pratt to meet an 8-year-old fan trapped in a burning building
8chan, popular message board for mass shooters, goes dark
pizza hut unveils new cheese-stuffed delivery boy
this so typical of hemophiliac
male gaze falls on buffalo chicken bites
this is me but that is not the onion.
bra training complete
opening soda bottle inadvertently makes man loser
budget cuts
blog: taking care of your elderly parents can be a beautiful experience if they’re very, very sexy
goose does pretty decent job shitting all over high school track
oscar mayer inedibles not huge success
lindsey graham vows to uphold john mccain’s legacy by blindly supporting gop agenda after grumbling for a few minutes
desperate snl releases 'best of melanie hutsell' dvd
report: recent wednesday felt like thursday
child bankrupts make-a-wish foundation
trump wakes up covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through dreams by razor-blade-fingered robert mueller
amazon 1-click bankrupts area parkinson's sufferer
nation's dogs vow to keep their shit together during 4th of july fireworks
nyse admits: this is all make believe
baby crow's first word 'caw'
grandfather clock does loop-the-loop with pendulum when no one looking
peta crying fowl over signs that animals can't read.
horrifying email from ex-girlfriend titled ‘a few things’
study finds controlled washington, d.c. wildfires crucial for restoring healthy political environment
explanation of board game rules peppered with reassurances that it will be fun
new x games event just driving monster trucks off cliff
another unforced error: top republicans are furious after trump bought a rumbling trunk from an old shop in budapest
camera admits it can't do much for barry
u.n. report on magical realism warns of increased incidences of women’s tears flooding the entire world
half-asleep man pauses 20 minutes between socks
new workplace diversity initiative kills one white employee every hour on the hour until more minority candidates hired
comcast executive’s one-man show now mandatory viewing for all subscribers
worker told to have fun operating shake machine
new gun law would require james holmes to undergo strict background check before purchasing firearms
benghazi committee instructs hillary clinton to limit answers to ‘i failed the american people’
archaeologists discover strata of welcome back, kotter merchandise
report: it would be a real shame if something were to happen to you
decaying city just wants to skip to part where it gets revitalized restaurant scene
life: ignorance is bliss: scientists have announced that if spiders have sex for pleasure, they simply don’t want to know about it
twitter rant: emotional rant: twitter ceo jack dorsey apologized for letting nazis use his platform when it’s intended only for letting elderly people find no strings attached sex in nursing homes
jubilant isis prisoners hail american liberators
nation puts 2016 election into perspective by reminding itself some species of sea turtles get eaten by birds just seconds after they hatch
black conservatives support candidate whose religion believes black people bear mark of cain
dnc takes out full-page ad thanking alabama's working-class white voters
norad takes area vagina to femstat 3
study: most serial killers did not receive toy every time they went to store as kids
knicks front office scrambling after zion williamson drafted before 3rd pick
new biblical text reveals god first sent christ to save elk as practice
all of pregnant woman's favorite names used up on cats
firewood, bread top new russian agenda
glimpse of father's toenails offers boy petrifying vision of future
report: majority of time in pool spent urging others to enter pool
fashion industry pretends to care about plus-size models
new tandem mobility scooter released
freak totally has the hots for you, popular-girl sources report
sudden burst of confidence not sure where the hell it came from either
the future is now: google has confirmed that its computer is big
aides rush on stage to rotate scott walker back to direction of audience
almost no effort made to stop kid from eating cigarette butt
jay-z vows not to lose touch with millionaire roots on gritty throwback track about buying first yacht
dad wearing some new kind of headphones that wrap over, under, around ears
news: it’s officially fall: someone put a witch hat on grandma
north dakota found to be harboring nuclear missiles
hertz introduces short-term rental for just driving around to clear head
gop candidates offered cash voucher to give up spot and participate in later election
badass churchgoer doesn’t even have to look at hymnal
man spends entire marketing meeting nodding
area idea so crazy it just might work
lone house with no halloween decorations by far spookiest in neighborhood
johnson & johnson introduces new leave-in q-tips
man read somewhere they proved thing he just made up
'heed my tragic story well, friends, for you could just as easily be me,' says chris christie in haunting rnc speech
report: freezers in healthy choice corporate offices probably stocked with every kind of healthy choice you could imagine
the danger of drugs: this man has become annoying after doing a drug
incredibly unfair: even though billionaires work way harder than everyone else, they only earn 4,000 times as much money
johnny rockets customer terrified after evidently falling through wormhole into 1950s
ketchup not fancy enough for local man
mom really gunning to befriend babysitter during weekly 3-minute interactions
punxsutawney phil beheaded for inaccurate prediction on annual groundhog slaughtering day
elderly woman begins freezing meals husband can eat while she’s passed away | the onion - america's finest news source
china introduces new one-uighur policy
new stardew valley expansion allows player to shoot self in barn after family farm bankrupted by corporate agribusiness
geithner refuses to come down off capitol dome
alarming mri shows peyton manning has been dead for past 6 months
'avengers' sequel picks up where first film's profits left off
'these last two are gonna be real turds,' george r.r. martin assures fans
nation demands new photograph of edward snowden
report: your father currently typing ‘naked women’ into yahoo images search bar
status of gathering upgraded to 'party' by presence of pizza
nbc announces fall cancellation lineup
fleet of stem-cell container trucks ready to go if obama elected
collapsed mine used as excuse to stall coal extraction
new documentary to finally shed light on nation's fast food chains
news: cracking façade: reince priebus just chased an on-fire donald trump down the hallway in full view of a white house tour group
monkfish wishes monkfish weren't all the rage
bath & body works now offering free lotion tastings
economic stimulus check burned for warmth
mccain's energy plan emphasizes elbow grease, sleeve-rolling-up
new pumpkin spice channel to offer fall-themed hardcore pornography
rep. ingersol's murder of a hobo
pigeon to invoke power of flight
'carpe diem,' says man who spent previous day masturbating in darkened room
trump: 'we will fight in afghanistan until victorious, or i change my mind, get distracted, look bad, or get bored'
'boy meets world' spin off to focus on difficulties of raising autistic child
katie couric flirts with cardinal on air
alan colmes' death goes unreported on hannity & colmes
witty remark repeated throughout week
cool it, kid: this 8-year-old is banging on his parents’ bedroom door at 2 a.m. and demanding that they give him the sex talk right fucking now
weird coworker apparently likes walking two miles to work every day
lifeguard hoping to make up for last summer
woman informs husband that he made new friend
i like to play with myself. you can see it here umi70rzv
5 things to know about trump’s border wall
richard branson's global-warming donation nearly as much as cost of failed balloon trips
news: finally! a bathroom lock that lets people know whether you’re actually using the bathroom or just need a fucking minute
guitar-instruction manual has eddie van halen on cover, 'go tell aunt rhody' inside
disney reveals that every disney movie takes place in single, unified universe
study: floating heap of trash now ocean's apex predator
researchers observe chimpanzees using pro tools
i put on a fat suit to understand what it’s like to be your mom
trump warns iran that u.s. won’t tolerate widespread suffering in any country besides america
sarah huckabee sanders unable to answer any questions about administration after signing non-disclosure agreement
rumsfeld only one who can change toner in white house printer
friend's mom tearing it up on facebook
fda confirms psilocybin reduces risk of mindlessly following society's rules like fucking lemming
something fucked-up must have happened: every suspect in this police lineup is a little boy in a sailor suit licking a big lollipop
trail of ants better be leading toward something delicious
find out what dwayne johnson, paul rudd, and florence welch have to say
coffee stain on shirt not as big a deal this morning
local grandmother feared dead after appearing in woman's profile picture
theater major has too long borne shakespeare teacher's blunt upbraidings, bitter scoffs
‘to defeat them, i must become them,’ john kerry says while putting on black face mask
new hampshire primary excites tiny percentage of population who even cares what happens anymore
trump dismisses trump as a distraction
report: john lennon probably would have eventually died anyway
yahoo back on top after purchasing millions of 13-year-old girls’ blogs
mom and dad, i'm gay and also stronger than both of you, so don't try any shit | the onion
rudy giuliani backtracks on previous statements referring to 9/11 as tragedy
bar has loud, overcrowded section upstairs too
lowe's debuts new travel plunger with collapsible handle
new ‘call of duty’ career mode lets player join raytheon’s board of directors after military service
rock climber dies doing what he was kind of into for 6 months
non-dominant hand completely botches nail clipping job
mitch mcconnell has hands, vocal cords removed to prevent self from holding hearing on scalia replacement
naacp calls for more diversity in police lineups
new report finds amazon may be listening to you through hardcover copies of michelle obama's 'becoming'
ape's tits incredible
u.s. populace lurches methodically through the motions for yet another day
inspirational disabled horse crosses preakness finish line after 11 hours
cable-tv judge overruled by network-tv judge
political scientists discover new form of government
cheney regrets buying bush laser pointer
mom scared for nhl players without visors
dad’s eyes well up at sight of perfectly packed cooler
man with apple hovering in front of face sues rené magritte's estate
obama sends publisher collection of pages for presidential graphic novel
aunt on facebook casually advocates war crime
owls are assholes
couple forgets 70th wedding anniversary
sad news, brits: the royal wedding has been delayed three months to give the band more time to learn ‘livin’ on a prayer’
man insists facebook friend actually reads ‘why palestinians are sub-human’ article before commenting on it
all proceeds no longer going to charity
members of u2 to stare in different directions
5 celebrities who got their start as cap’n crunch’s live-in concubine on crunch island
15 cnn ireporters killed in afghanistan
we already knew the nsa spies on us. we already know everything. everything is boring.
strom thurmond begins preparing cabinet
indiana governor insists new law has nothing to do with thing it explicitly intended to do
researchers find decline in facebook use could be directly linked to desire to be happy, fully functioning person
next episode of 'girls' to feature lena dunham shitting herself during gyno exam while eating a burrito
will you click this picture of a sexy woman, even if we tell you that the video just shows nature footage?
awful show a repeat again
tsa to phase out glue-sniffing dogs
'seek funding' step added to scientific method
romney thanks state he was born and raised in for just barely giving him enough votes to beat total maniac
heartbreaking: ellen degeneres is trying to give away $500,000 to every fan who comments ‘amen’ on a poorly spelled facebook post, but everyone thinks it’s a scam
report: if earth continues to warm at current rate moon will be mostly underwater by 2400
must see: unbelievably rare: this is the first vernal equinox to fall on the blu-ray and dvd release date of ‘jumanji: welcome to the jungle’
nutritionists recommend 3-4 daily servings of anything that's about to go bad
woman knows to stay away from certain parts of own psyche at night
mom much more insistent about getting grandkids from one child than other
mom wants to know if the people who live in your apartment building are nice
fucking idiot has perfect gif for that
seaworld crowd applauds for dolphin playfully spraying blood from blowhole
blog: we need to teach our sons that being convicted of rape is wrong
employee owned and operated
network executive cancels show after ruining it in development
sex toy discreetly shipped in plain dildo-shaped box
georgia gop demands stacey abrams step down as candidate to avoid conflict of interest
nation too terrified to look at what trump'€™s recent rise in polls attributed to
6-day visit to rural african village completely changes woman’s facebook profile picture
cia on torture memo: 'we need to stop writing this stuff down'
crestfallen ‘game of thrones’ fans starting to realize series never going to show dragons fucking
pat robertson says pie not delicious
deadly super rainbow!!!! lol
5 things to know about sean spicer
san diego zoo acquires chinese man
life: literati rejoice: the j.d. salinger estate is finally releasing the author’s unpublished manuscript on how to get in shape, sleep better, and start loving sex after 60
beyoncé said what?!
christ's face seen on miracle canvas
news: incredibly shameful: the trump administration has spent more than $6 billion in taxpayer money on swimming lessons for eric trump
ice agents feeling a little hurt that trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize hispanics
quiz: what good is your goddamn shrimp farm if you’re not going to let anybody eat them?
aunt enters ninth year of raving about 'wicked'
dermatologist recommends not caring so much what other people think
many animals harmed in catering of film
kamala harris assembles campaign staff of unpaid california prison laborers
woman sets google alert for kevin costner
quiz: how many of these hard-line negotiating tactics have you used to get the best price on a sponge?
5-year-old wants to be overworked haitian nanny when he grows up
horrified nurses discover 40-pound baby after accidentally leaving it in incubator over weekend
disney unveils first virgin princess
area man loses all control of face while thinking
bernie sanders asks anyone who's serious about breaking up big banks to meet him on corner of canal and bowery at midnight
detectives overlooked casey anthony's 'i killed my daughter' ama on reddit
report: al-qaeda may be developing 'dirty soldier'
report: therapist just saying that to make you feel better
man’s eyes glaze over whenever politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation
oddsmakers say oakland raiders a long shot to finish season
report: mom has plan for tub of whipped cream in fridge
bird arthritis epidemic largely ignored
nation of immigrants angry at amount of immigrants portrayed in coca cola advert
secret service shuts down biden'€™s unofficial white house tour operation
trump administration worried president burning through minority scapegoats at unsustainable rate
trump blasts critics who judge neo-nazi groups by most extreme members
po' boy $12
new hampshire returns to obscurity
video: this is america: pauline
world leaders hope singapore summit will lead to north korea becoming normal impoverished country they don't have to think about
new extended paternity leave offers dads more time to lose colleagues' respect
airline part of something called 'star alliance'
men and women of armed forces thank local woman for song dedication
villain contends he, hero 'very much alike'
bro, you're a god among bros
nation baffled by childless woman who doesn’t even have high-powered career
area man expected to work with these incompetents
pfizer breaks psychological need to always seek fda's approval
roommate not seen for, like, five days
jeff flake delivers searing, critical applause for trump during state of the union
resident of three years decries neighborhood's recent gentrification
fbi declassifies j. edgar hoover’s extensive file on the munster family
house votes against trump's national emergency on grounds that only congress allowed to misappropriate funds
woman who teaches special-needs children killing it at dinner party
new evidence suggests first gallows created as early attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation
life: vegetarians, rejoice! scientists have developed a way to turn beef into lettuce
life-changing epiphany wears off on ride home
news: wisdom of the ages: richard nixon’s ghost has appeared to donald trump to guide him through getting crumbs out of his jowls
ben carson tormented by periodic rational thoughts
frugal couple saves money by making own porn
saudi arabia officially lifts ban on female monster truck rallies
handlers constantly reminding gingrich to stay on uninspiring, belittling message
hanes introduces new no-way panties
15 episodes of ‘seinfeld’ when jerry dated a woman with man hands
katy perry drops hints that super bowl halftime show will be awful
news: corporate hubris: after successfully defeating dandruff, selsun blue has announced it’s going after cancer next
wife already knows the one thing she'll say that can never be taken back
concentric circles emanating from glowing red dot
archaeologists discover ancient femur that could make mouthwatering broth
american voices; britain votes to leave eu
law schools now require applicants to honestly state whether they want to go to law school
sperm can't remember why it came into womb
disney still throwing word 'classic' around like so much confetti
study finds earth’s animals one giant creature before breaking apart millions of years ago
neil degrasse tyson debunks stadium’s home run animation depicting ball launching into the stratosphere
parenting experts warn screen time greatly increases risk of child becoming an influencer
one intern way older
foreman whips up special batch of concrete for favorite customer
family hesitant about sinking another 40 grand into repairs of dilapidated old grandma
army general conducts exhaustive sex probe
slightly overweight middle-aged woman really carrying rest of church choir
nation was kind of hoping for different outcome when concerned citizens came together to make voices heard
microsoft employees fondly remember days when ceos were so big they took up entire rooms
what is the biggest rock? [the onion talks]
gop leaders' daughters: 'it's pretty fucked up if we're the only reason you're denouncing trump's statements'
sighing trump sexual assault accusers announce they'll try coming forward again next week
meet the only man who has never heard of a windmill [warning vertical video].
area man good for the economy
classic movie 'avatar' updated for today's audiences
they said what?!: find out what regis philbin, danny trejo, and susan sarandon have to say
gus van sant prepares shot-for-shot teen wolf remake
american psychiatric association adds 'obsessive categorization of mental conditions' to 'dsm-5'
major step backwards for science: a group of leading biologists at stanford has lost their big notebook full of elephant facts
aides gently remind hillary clinton not to refer to opponents as 'obstacles to greatness'
congolese civil war buff fights in civil war
gifts from aunt already under tree
billy ray cyrus to speak out on single-payer health-care issue on politically incorrect
building on the past: the supreme court has upheld president trump’s travel ban by citing the robust legal precedent of the united states acting like an amoral fuckup
quiz for firefighters: what’s some of the cool-ass fire shit you’ve seen at work?
new hobby sucks
jodie foster inspires teens to come out using vague, rambling riddles
police called as playstation 4 tantrum leads to 'out-of-control' son
scalia recuses self from capital murder case, citing double homicide he committed in '80s
is it ethical for prenatal testing to tell you if your baby will be too annoying to love?
seaworld employees place orcas in plastic bags of water while cleaning tanks
bush not heard from for over a month
chicago man brushes mound of snow from beef sandwich before eating it
president's american manufacturing council down to ceo of shoe carnival
trump slams worldwide jewish conspiracy for not doing more to prevent synagogue shooting
heroic turtle dials most of 911
new apple campaign urges consumers to buy iphone for other hand
biden regales dnc with story of '80s girl band vixen breaking hard rock's glass ceiling
paula poundstone still famous
kinko's patron pulls the old copy-key switcheroo
lizard planning to bite new owner first chance it gets
man taking phone out of case for first time in years struck by forgotten beauty
house of blues actually house of whites
donald trump jr. divorce leaves confused, heartbroken nation wondering why bad things happen to good people
end of an era: kellogg’s is shutting down eggo after its ceo had a freaky dream about waffles
10 beautiful interracial arrests
half-dressed man frantically scrambles out of home after hearing toyotathon deals won't last long
sadly, gift certificate to loews cinemas perfect gift for area man
stouffer's debuts new frozen meals to bring neighbors after death in family
archaeologists discover fully intact 17th-century belief system in ohio congressman
stormy daniels, james comey arrive at white house for state dinner
watch how these kids react to a boombox playing a recording of their parents fighting
shocking new epstein video shows pictures moving all on their own
kim jong-un wonders if nuclear threats distracting him from real goal of starving citizenry
neutrogena calls for worldwide cleansing in effort to attain facial purity
late-blooming dad just now getting into civil war history
biologists still uncertain about evolutionary function of ugly people
netanyahu vows to clog the rivers with skulls of his enemies in last-minute push to win over undecided voters
new visa talking credit card urges buyers to go for it
blood-spattered sarah huckabee sanders holds up huge dismembered penis to prove presidential member completely normal
either ming or yuan dynasty seizes control of mainland china
single document engulfed in coworker's 50-page printout
woman with really pointy feet finds perfect shoes
rust belt town protests construction of new truck stop that would obstruct views of state penitentiary
dubai completes construction on world's first full-scale replica of dubai
life: the epitome of privilege: this school has its own police officers
“one of the biggest embarrassments in f.b.i. history,” bureau spokesman harland dorrinson told reporters. unlocked iphone worthless after f.b.i. spills glass of water on it
congressman lets his guitar do the talking
apathy outpacing lust as leading u.s. state of mind
president's cathartic words help nation begin to heal following yet another senseless 'saturday night live'
report: rich suitors able to correctly guess beautiful woman's dress size 92% of time
npr host raises voice
news: security breach: edward snowden’s robot has been ramming into the white house front door for 3 hours straight
nation kept up all night by sound of creaking infrastructure
chicago announces new tax breaks to attract major new york, la shootings
man happy to set up job interview for fraternity brother he once forced to drink own piss
brooklyn bridge opens, completely revolutionizes suicide in fetid hellhole of new york city
santa claus killed in electric-razor crash
'what's all this i'm hearing about people getting security clearances?' asks confused mike pompeo to white house staff avoiding eye contact
jared kushner forced to follow along with ivanka's classified documents during meetings
report: uttering phrase ‘easy does it’ prevents 78% of drywall damage while moving furniture
larry nassar: 'who among us hasn't made a mistake repeatedly and with wild, shameless abandon?'
'we will never speak of this again,' says trump to mohammed bin salman as they dump khashoggi's body into new jersey river
americans observing 9/11 by trying not to masturbate
22-year-old broke, homeless 10 days after taking control of own finances
taliban leaders already know which westernized schools the first to go as soon as u.s. troops leave afghanistan
study finds owning cool leather jacket more rewarding than raising children
tips for making the perfect bloody mary
study: majority of americans not informed enough to stereotype chechens
company lacks manpower to complete newest round of layoffs
kerry vows to raise wife's taxes
local asshole attains world-class status
city of baltimore targeting young professionals with new 'you get used to it' campaign
trump planning to throw lie about immigrant crime rate out there early in debate to gauge how much he can get away with
man in rental car spends 20 minutes trying to find steering wheel
new leather-bound notebook to really unleash area woman's creativity
delta pilot refuses to land until gun control legislation passed
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taylor swift inspires teen to come out as straight woman needing to be at center of gay rights narrative
substitute teacher can tell he's filling in for real asshole
bush diagnosed with attention-to-deficit disorder
life: 6 signs that everyone in your uberpool just escaped from a human farm
homosexual tearfully admits to being governor of new jersey
average age of wacky tv neighbors dropping
trump unveils exclusive double platinum–level press room for only select few journalists
texas to execute death row inmates with new 3-drug molotov cocktail
‘politics was never this toxic in the 2010s,’ says future american while watching candidates battle in 2048 debate pits
powerball super fans camping out before the big drawing dressed up as their favorite numbers
george lucas recalls peter mayhew ad-libbing decision to play character as nonverbal, fur-covered monster
scientists find strong link between male virility, wearing mötley crüe denim jacket
"new subway promotion to honor subtember 11"
man kinda excited for internal camera procedure
floating heap of trash now ocean’s apex predator
breaking: lebron james leaning toward joining al-qaeda
new mountain dew vows to kill 99.9% of stomach bacteria
unforced error: elmer’s glue just released an extremely body-negative series of ads as part of a new ‘only perfect 10s use elmer’s’ campaign
priest cursed with incredible penis
allowance to teach child importance of parental dependence
clown looked a lot different in online profile photo
mark zuckerberg cited for contempt of congress after refusing to shut the fuck up about how he started company in dorm room
harry connick, jr. dies in piano fire
bobby jindal vows to return america to time when he was rising republican star
obama's aunt sends him article mentioning united states
researchers: quality of sleep may be affected by abandoning family in 1994
baskin-robbins' cash register interface just big button for ice cream
who's fucking: josh and debra
student reporter hits it out of the park with 5 accurate sentences
is your privacy being violated? an exclusive hidden-camera investigation
convulsing teen bleeding from eyes, nose thinks he can feel the synthetic weed kicking in
recovering alcoholic doesn’t need friends to have a good time
heinz introduces industrial-sized ketchup packet
confident philadelphia officials preemptively raze center city to make room for amazon headquarters
power rangers star charged with murder—better call zordon! (but seriously, someone is dead)
dunkin' donuts introduces new girl scout-flavored coffee
nevada secretary of state unveils new 'i voted' pasties
no one in prison sure how jared fogle still eating subway every meal
oh great, another woman who only loves me for my complete collection of ‘rurouni kenshin’ manga
teen coming out of shell giving bully lots of new material to work with
poll: ted cruz currently leads among voters disputing boundaries of neighbor's yard
vatican county fair sets record for world's largest communion wafer
friend's mom tearing it up on facebook | the onion - america's finest news source
enthusiasm of 18-year-old first-time voter completely unbearable
penn state staff unsure what to do with breathtakingly innovative defensive playbooks jerry sandusky keeps sending them
life: awesome! philips just released a line of light bulbs that are so dim you won’t be able to see all of the mice rummaging through your home
madeline albright sworn in as secretary
subject of phone bill delicately broached
elementary schoolers depressed after getting look at voters filing out of gymnasium
kid about to meet brooklyn nets must not be very sick
exxonmobil vows lenient treatment for any species that surrenders voluntarily
news: technical troubles: amazon’s new delivery drones won’t stop carrying copies of tina fey’s ‘bossypants’ to the tomb of the unknown soldier
restaurant hostess loses job to 'please seat yourself' sign
area man treats girlfriend to sumptuous 20-second massage
quantum political scientists hypothesize country headed in both right and wrong directions simultaneously
panicked studio delays 'man of steel' to get more shots of people looking up in awe
all of man's time-wasting websites exhausted before lunch
'syrians' lives are worthless,' obama tells daughters before kissing them goodnight
jack nicholson banned from sitting courtside after spilling tupperware full of homemade chili
entire republican national convention stunned as ann romney asks for divorce
report: 32% of prayers deflected off passing satellites
u.s. to host foster country
scarface onesie social worker's first tip-off
wealthy donors pump millions into sanders’ campaign in last-ditch effort to destroy his credibility
leaked documents reveal studio executives knew about ‘gods of egypt’ before it released onto public
study: average man thinks of santa every 7 seconds
man eating mcchicken sandwich can tell mcdonald's switched up antibiotics
life: still human: 5 times nelson mandela got stuck on the roof of a pizza hut
robert mueller ascends into sky with umbrella after trump family promises they learned lesson about honesty
taylor swift now dating senator joseph mccarthy
nothing doing down louisiana way, fly-swattin' sources report
real life "twister" kills 117
report: antismoking group has never even tried cigarettes
vice president of making your job harder given raise
john bolton arrives in office excited to see so many familiar wars
nation reaffirms commitment to things they recognize
report: some crazy shit probably happened to classmate being raised by grandmother
newt gingrich slams ‘new york times’ 1619 project as shameless abolitionist propaganda
man experiencing first real moment of peace in years resuscitated
report: election may come down to single candidate
woman in commercial doing yoga to narration of drug's fatal side effects
news: making things easier: the fda has announced that any round food is a meatball
nike fires 8-year-old shoemaker responsible for zion williamson injury
suburban teen has near-def experience
popeye's home boiglerized
‘new york times’ amends recent ‘hero trump disarms would-be shooter’ headline
bush calls for end to 'era of political argument'
exxonmobil ceo relieved it finally too late to do anything about climate change
study: 90% of americans strongly opposed to each other
senate to vote on whether climate change is happening.
british royal family places queen elizabeth in nursing home
report: video games will never be art
college football scout has eye on high-school cheerleader
news: historic discovery: archaeologists have uncovered the cellar containing all of jesus’ exoskeletons
long-silent facebook friend comes out of woodwork with post asking about insulating windows
cheney orders motorcade to gun it over half-open drawbridge
spoon's weight topples pint in jarring reminder of how much ice cream area man ate in one sitting
she’s had too many chances: 6 reasons why we shouldn’t give grandma her whistle back
patriothole: was the coward roger ailes not conservative enough to keep from dying? here’s why your fox news ‘hero’ is actually a leftist corpse.
post-modern condition upgraded to pre-apocalyptic
area man a little too old to have obama fever
first day of school photos a chance to see how much cousin's kids are chunking out this year
mike pence criticizes venezuela’s use of torture, starvation on non-homosexual citizens
dating win! netflix has added a new date night feature that puts several half-watched ken burns documentaries in your ‘continue watching’ section to make you seem smart
dad doesn't trust the fish here
trump promises government will continue to fund all essential mar-a-lago staff during shutdown
john ashcroft silences reporters with warning shot
sight of coworkers' stupid fucking faces endured yet again
endless fount of bad ideas ben stein draws the line at donald trump
campus tour guide just needs to make stop to change out laundry really quick
deeply troubling: cheese nips just put out a vague announcement about how we will all rue the day we let cheese nips play second fiddle to cheez-its
balance of zero: an oil tanker in alaska crashed but it hit a ship carrying dawn soap so all of the wildlife is pretty clean
friend's grandma to give you hug too
life: heartwarming: this super dad refuses to leave the casino until he wins his daughter’s tuition money back
eight million americans rescued from poverty with redefinition of term
giant bass hates having picture taken
apple user acting like his dad just died
temperature of coffee expected to rise nine degrees by end of 21st century
overconfidence? hillary clinton has already started hurling trash bags full of her clothes over the white house fence
twentysomething generation turns 35
laid-off hostess employee forced to look for creme-injecting job elsewhere
walletless biden found handcuffed to bedpost
woman finds imperfect mate at outlet mall
americans bravely go to polls despite threat of electing congress
report: americans now get 44% of their exercise from licking
televised sporting event completely obscured by on-screen graphics
desperate ohio now exploring homeopathic execution methods
heston: 'we must arm ourselves if we are to defeat the apes'
the edge still introducing self as such
god recalls life-changing encounter with 8-year-old boy who had near-death experience
update: taylor swift back together with ex-boyfriend christopher dorner
how the candidates are luring delegates
congressman boehner's terror alert skin set back to orange
slightest amount of physical contact apologized for
well, folks, it appears some shithead down there is shining a laser pointer into the cockpit and we're about to crash
man wistfully looks around website he hasn't visited for 30 minutes
new study shows majority of late afternoon sleepiness at work caused by undetected carbon monoxide leak
i was the host of the 1992 nickelodeon game show ‘slip ’n slide haircut’ until a bunch of kids died and it got canceled. ask me anything.
study reveals majority of suicides occur while trying to put fitted sheet on bed
kanye west announces his new name is tim
fireworks accident close off tip of florida
report: you’re far too dumb to be reading the mueller report yourself
facebook blamed for political misinformation
woman who admits to having watched golden globes thinks jodie foster embarrassed herself
you just have to get to know area jerk
'stargate sg-1' fans disappointed to see richard dean anderson walk onto stage like a normal person
man worried antidepressants will leave trace of original personality
looking for gandhi picture with quote about social media. i think i saw it on clickhole or onion. pleas help.
u.s. defense secretary: 'i am in love'
netanyahu assures critics he still has utmost respect for u.s. money
could this one simple trick stop the global pollution problem?
gop leaders confident they’ll have cruelty necessary to pass healthcare bill
romantic prince harry surprises meghan markle with family's heirloom colony
world's most advanced yo-yo doesn't need you
texans brace for president's response to hurricane
partygoers drunkenly recite 4-h pledge
hallmark debuts 1-square-inch father's day card with no room for writing anything
man watches helplessly as white elephant exchange completely devolves into friends just chatting and having nice time
white-on-white violence claims life of accounts receivable supervisor
factory robot working on some of its own designs after hours
fda approves first artificial tumor
philanderer taken back
jupiter's liberals worried about their ammonia footprint
breaking: nunes memo exposes deep bias, corruption in devin nunes
trump unveils reelection campaign plan to drive bus into crowds across country
man disgusted just by constant thought of 2 guys kissing
syrian rebels, government think it's about time to call syria a day
new study finds most of earth’s landmass will be phoenix suburb by 2050
woman can't wait to get home and take off uncomfortable persona
whoa, slow down there, buddy. nobody dates my daughter without telling me which ‘sailor moon’ character they are first
man watching cleopatra 2525 has no time to read
asexually reproduced sea sponge worried she's turning into herself
zoning committee meets, zones a bunch of shit
blood-spattered suri cruise drags dog carcass to mother's doorstep
u.n. peacekeepers pulled from bosnia to mow ted turner's lawn
bad-ass engagement ring also tells the time and temperature
michele bachmann figures why not, introduces homosexual-beheading bill
obama, romney remain about equally powerful
bath & body works unveils new soothing eucalyptus road flare
'ghost hunters' enjoys surprising 100% success rate
must see: social media nightmare: wonder bread just accidentally tweeted a photo of too much bread
study: 89% of husbands planning to surprise wife on valentine's day by dressing as naked, chubby cherub
divorced man doesn’t even recognize smiling, happy family in photo that came with frame
china unable to recruit hackers fast enough to keep up with vulnerabilities in u.s. security systems
friend who's into politics makes you feel stupid again
filed under unintentional prophecies from peter gabriel
nation's women fantasize about some future election that isn't absolutely pivotal to their well-being
nanny appears in child's drawings more than mother
obesity-study lab rat's life pretty sweet
sheryl sandberg's mit commencement address clearly references personal data of individual graduating students
life: the grim reality of income inequality: orgy deserts in poor u.s. communities leave millions of americans with no access to masked fuck soirees
steve bannon marks draft of executive order he likes with noxious pheromone secretion
newborn soothed by familiar sound of parents' bickering
tim kaine stuffs handful of goldfish crackers in ballot scanner
families of missing flight passengers just hoping media gets closure it needs
senators lured back to emergency session by promise of free pizza
lifelong dream no match for first brush with adversity
803 years, 803 memories: bon jovi looks back at the magna carta
saudis admit journalist khashoggi died during botched assassination attempt
open-minded man grimly realizes how much life he's wasted listening to bullshit - the onion - america's finest news source
meat prices skyrocket after cow smashing machine gets all beefed up (video)
marriages between perfectly matched couples should still only last about 15 years
remember 'command and conquer'? no? okay then
progressive parents refuse to tell child its sex
they said what?!: find out what sally yates, mario batali, and billie jean king have to say
high school athlete on crutches walking around like fallen hero
c'mon guys. you can stop now. you heard it from the goat's mouth
area man going to great lengths to conceal his perfectly normal behavior
turnout lower than expected for gala central african awards
'donald trump is the 45th president of the united states,' spontaneously reports subconscious during first calm moment of day
coworker who went to gym this morning a chipper little fucker
paul giamatti cuts back on acting to focus on signature line of shapeless khakis, rumpled polos
attractive woman, wealthy man somehow making it work
why some tax refunds are down this year
should obama blow the silver horn the founding fathers left in case the country ever needed them?
rescuers heroically help beached garbage back into ocean
'breaking bad' creator thinking maybe next season should take dark turn
rotting smell in congress traced to decaying senator who died inside wall
how to protect yourself from alzheimer, the demon who eats memories
cyberbullying alert: gamers are ganging up to harass this defenseless chinese communist party leader
woman, gay best friend go on another one of their little adventures | the onion - america's finest news source
so annoying: every time this man visits home his family hounds him about when he’s going to get into an ethically non-monogamous relationship
ben affleck defends decision to set 'argo' in boston
experts warn transitioning too quickly from work to vacation could cause decompression sickness
frito-lay contest offers consumers chance to appear in upcoming bag of sunchips
serial killer admits he’s lost track of pattern he was going for originally
trump unveils sprawling new presidential retreat where he can escape from stresses of mar-a-lago
newt gingrich: 'it's an honor to address a crowd that shares my utterly bizarre and unhealthy obsession with hillary clinton'
russian lawyer admits to repeatedly informing kremlin of trump campaign’s ineptitude
dressing room curtain tested for vulnerabilities
mark zuckerberg admits he unsure why anyone still uses facebook
picasso's 'guernica' triples in value after being autographed by the 1994 new york rangers
scientists teach father to communicate emotions using rudimentary hand gestures
clickventure: you switched bodies with your mom. can you learn a little something about each other?
philip roth obituary just thinly disguised version of author's life
old little league trophy stared at
viewers impressed by how male trump looked during debate
seaworld café introduces new 5-pound orca burger–eating challenge
sale of bet to white supremacist group results in no changes to programming
whitewater rafting trip in which friend drowned still pretty fun
woman thankful she has type of alien looking face that makes her hot
innocent man unrepentant
'wall street journal' reintroduces nudes after failed yearlong experiment
tmz dayton bureau catches secondhand furniture-store owner coming out of all-night truck stop
national poetry month raises awareness of poetry prevention
‘i suffer from severe psychological issues and i need the help of mental health professionals,’ says trump in pointed debate comeback
radicalized patagonia releases new fleece made of 100% recycled oil company ceos
such is life: three spaghetti fails… and two spaghetti wins!
email from coworker trying to organize office-wide social outing so unbearably sad
margin notes left on menu from previous ruby tuesday customer
harrison ford chuckles to self upon realizing he hasn't been in movie people liked in 18 years
f. scott fitzgerald estate wondering why the hell ken burns hasn't come knocking yet
gay marriage opponents warn supreme court ruling could put nation on slippery slope to rationality
life: 7 signs your personal trainer is sculpting you into his childhood friend that he left to drown when the lake ice started cracking so he can finally apologize
boss came to work today dressed as guy who fires sean
pet turtle going hog wild on terrarium’s new stick
man wouldn’t have worn costume to work if he’d known he was getting laid off.
desperate u.s. colleges weigh emergency bob marley legend ban
vontaze burfict expresses deep regret for letting jack doyle live
royal wedding photographer feeling pretty guilty about time he ran princess di off road
study finds earth's animals one giant creature before breaking apart millions of years ago
'please, i'll tell you everything,' whimpers rick gates after mueller threatens to send him back to white house
god announces plans to slowly wean humans off religion
the problem with ‘the flash’: why doesn’t flash have bugs splattered on his face after every time he runs really fast?
pc culture run amok? this school is majority black
damning investigation finds jeffrey epstein left unsupervised for decades prior to suicide
pillsbury doughboy's image sexed up
report: new 'the handmaid's tale' season focuses on dangers of feminism run amok
alternative-medicine practitioner refuses alternative method of payment
activity made up to sell athletic shoes
report: all standing between trump and presidency is nation that made him billionaire celebrity
never-before-heard buzzword flying around office can’t be good
roman centurion crawling out of new york city manhole in for one wacky adventure
news website refers to users' ceaseless exchange of racial slurs as 'discussion'
heroic pickles holding lid shut from inside
scientists confirm first case of zika transmission from article to reader
funeral director assures jewish family this headstone can withstand plenty of blows from baseball bat
area man just ruined it for everyone
following death of adam yauch, grieving china frees tibet
indiana becomes fourth state to ban great sex
america's love affair with ally mcbeal ends violently
now that's what i call shitty music 8 tops album charts
u.s. border patrol increases staff by hiring cheap immigrant labor
news: major setback: these harvard researchers successfully cloned a wooly mammoth, but the janitor ate it after they went home for the night
man suddenly realizes he was duped by commercial’s romanticized vision of canned beans
'the conners' scores big ratings by killing off rest of family
mueller loses visual on oval office camera after trump spills a1 sauce on bust of winston churchill
man practices haircut request before heading to barber
apartment manager already knows to look out for tenant sending in minnie mouse checks
5 risky teenage behaviors that would honestly be a way better use of your kid’s time than joining color guard
area man perfectly content with role as another cog in the wheel
parasites just getting the hang of how host does things
nerf introduces line of real guns
17-year-old thinks she's getting into photography
dreamworks skg signs j&h productions to six-year deal
fitbit releases new tracking collar that gets tighter every second you are inactive
close fucking call: this product that got a new look still has the same great taste
deep down, woman knows she's watching entire trading spaces marathon
rob porter apologizes for falsifying number of wives he beat on white house resume
hey! thousands of members are looking for casual sex in your neighbourhood! s6ooq
polling place in predominantly black neighborhood clearly brick wall with door painted on
lazy, overweight cockroach no longer has segmented abdomen
weary nation happy it gets to watch socio-political failings of another country for 2 weeks
royal couple to spend $36.21 queen elizabeth had left over from 2010 u.s. visit
report: 97% of inner tube occupants agree it doesn't get any better than this
after decades as a print-only publication, onion gamers network has decided that the internet is the future of video game journalism
k-y introduces new line of jam
department of labor response team seals off toxic workplace environment
neil armstrong's legendary phrase
tall young girl told she should play basketball
warranty outlasts company
assad vows swift retaliation on syrian civilians in response to u.s. missile strike
commercial actor informed he doesn't have that prego tomato sauce look
probably bullshit but still a little scary: ethan is claiming that his super soaker is filled with pee
completely unrealistic tv character has complex, multifaceted personality
report: north dakota leads nation in parking availability
nuclear threat still 'very real,' says muhammad ali
google launches 'the google' for older adults
nation's huggers announce plans for you to get over here
vatican city zoo struggling to breed first angel in captivity
driver rattled by brush with death for nearly 10 seconds
patriothole: legal president donald john trump just proved he’s got a heart of pure sweet chicken sauce by showing up to an elementary school and screaming amazon reviews of ‘full metal jacket’
bed bug feels bad for area man, but a bug's got to eat
mlb reminds teams to properly dispose of all torn elbow ligaments
hitman 2’s new tropical resort dlc lets you quit being an assassin and become an ornithologist for the remainder of the game
incredible breakthrough: researchers at the mayo clinic have successfully switched a man with a moose
regal cinemas suddenly realizes it's been playing 'love and other drugs' for two years
alexandria ocasio-cortez criticized for preventing 25,000 new york evictions
hillary clinton signs 2 book deals
suburban family invests hopes, dreams in gas grill
olympics head priestess slits throat of official rio mascot to sanctify opening ceremony
mom brings home little plaque that says ‘family’
quiz: what condiment are you referring to when you ask for ‘dog sauce’?
kavanaugh surprised senate not questioning fact he never went to law school
cash-strapped michael jackson forced to sell off pet giraffes as meat
jpmorgan chase acquires bear stearns in tedious-to-read news article
kline not sure he fits in at oppendahl, oppendahl, kline & oppendahl
buttigieg campaign appeals to moderate republicans by touting low approval among black voters
helicopter mating season begins
dad apparently using spanish accent to pronounce middle eastern food now
boyfriend vows to try harder
new statewide education standards require teachers to forever change lives of 30% of students
long story short, they had to cut off area guy's arm
supercuts ceo apologizes for number of customers scalped every month
local couple celebrates birth of son with ritual genital mutilation
ira glass exhausted from doing every single voice on ‘this american life’
cat stevens declares jihad on james taylor
abc criticized for unrealistic portrayal of racists actually facing consequences
smoove b is back!
kroger recalls 35,000 pounds of ground beef that may contain ceo
lindsey graham can't believe he left cd with campaign song at red roof inn
report: laura's divorce threatens razor-thin democratic majority in family
singing, dancing man just getting started
white house infested with bedbugs after biden brings in recliner off the curb
previously unknown prejudice against japanese surfaces during game of battleship
misuse of funds: wikipedia just admitted it spent all $77 million in user donations decking out the entry for mayonnaise
afterbirthers demand to see obama's placenta
nation’s loyalists compete in annual nigel’s bangers and mash eating contest
soldier excited to take over father's old afghanistan patrol route
capitol building dome deflates
intergalactic law enforcement officers place energy shackles on hillary clinton
nation hit hard
life: noble cause: this inspiring nonprofit sends people into the amazon rain forest to teach indigenous tribes who super mario is
miracle paycheck lasts for 7 whole days
hbo announces 'game of thrones' not coming back this weekend
u.n. warns trump may be 7 months away from acquiring nuclear weapons
adjunct professor hoping some student leaves behind warm pair of gloves today
rnc speech: ‘if we don’t elect trump, our enemies will’
friends from home embarrassing
woman who choked to death alone in apartment kicked out of book club for missing last 2 meetings
area man finally in enough pain to go to doctor
skilled sotheby's auctioneer accidentally sells self at auction for $2.5 million
fema airdrops emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by hurricane florence
sniper school gets to have class on roof today
desperate gop spotted in south dakota trying to build keystone pipeline themselves
song crafted in the deepest pit of hell wins big at grammys
weed delivery guy saves christmas
young girls creeped out by older scientists constantly trying to lure them into stem
new google streep view to provide panoramic imagery of meryl streep
nation starting to realize new era of american innovation never gonna happen
new little caesars marketing strategy has employees throw themselves on hoods of passing cars | the onion
onion social cracks down on sexual harassment by banning all women from platform
southern comfort comforts southerner
‘zelda: breath of the wild’ is a masterpiece that proves japan could pull off another pearl harbor
report: slamming boss against wall, shouting ‘cash! i need more cash!’ still leading tactic for securing raise
take that, trump: aerosmith has asked donald trump to stop playing their hit 1998 single ‘president donald trump rocks’ at his rallies
snorkeling instructor unaware he's in background of 400 dating profile photos
thousands of onion social users burn effigies of ceo in massive show of support for company
nation suddenly feels old after seeing nick-at-nite lineup
paleontologists: 'we've been looking at dinosaurs upside down'
life: representation ftw! this drowning man is disproving the stereotype that all italians can’t die
1999 collaboration between carlos santana, rob thomas somehow standing test of time
the lawsuit of the century: jimmy carter is suing the makers of truck nutz for using his likeness after discovering their products resemble his testicles exactly
baseball season rumored to be underway
[classic] third amendment rights group celebrates another successful year
cat totally unaware its owner aaron eckhart
bored iowa town trying to convince kirsten gillibrand it local tradition to eat live tarantula
condo board maintains purity of bloodline through generations of intermarriage
velociraptor from 'jurassic park' dies
teen on verge of either joining isis or getting super into rollerblading
mom tries to appear interested in daughter's documentary
nation’s gratuitously sexual couples announce plans to wait in line at six flags
green giant offering program where gun owners can trade in firearms for green beans
beyond meat researchers announce creation of fully conscious, plant-based veal calf
'the scream' returns from two-year vacation relaxed
crazy old-timer wants to create 'master race'
pelicans doctors recommend zion williamson drop some height to lessen stress on injured knee
ford confirms plant fire caused by spooked f-150 knocking over lantern
retiring rob gronkowski admits he’ll miss teammates’ blurry faces, fans spinning perpetually in the stands
report: nothing stopping you from deleting your facebook account right now
news: progress: this prison will replace solitary confinement with a bountiful fig tree just maddeningly out of reach
ob-gyn kind of annoyed she has to confirm woman’s premonition about sex of baby that came to her in dream
new toothbrush slightly different from already existing, perfectly good toothbrushes
phone call with dad just watered-down version of phone call with mom
artist starving for a reason
open-minded man would be willing to look past jennifer lawrence’s flaws
americans celebrate thanksgiving
tips for not condemning millions of americans to sickness and death
sgt. bowe bergdahl recaptured by taliban after wandering off texas base
trump vehemently denies using word 'people' to describe african immigrants
dean mentions he'd make a great secretary of health and human services
kid not getting in strange van for anything less than king-size bar
study: settling for adequate partner better than waiting for soulmate
father not letting firstborn repeat mistakes he made as nine-month-old
michael jordan accidentally packaged in plastic
average time spent being happy drops to 13 seconds per day
feminism win! this artist reimagined mario as saying ‘it’s-a she, susan b. anthony!’
astronomers admit they made neptune up
news: awkward: margot robbie and saoirse ronan wore the exact same cursed amulet to the oscars and now they’re both floating above the audience speaking a forgotten language
wedding planner suggests replacing unsightly groom
alarming study finds 60% of americans don't know where their next value meal going to come from
mankind tired of having to remind itself of good in world
first-grader reeks of urine
inexperienced streaker to practice in living room a few times before doing it for real
woman who drinks 6 cups of coffee per day trying to cut down on blue light at bedtime
picking thing up from apartment floor rescheduled for thursday
critics worried new cia report puts u.s. at considerable risk of transparency
clear theme of obedient children emerging in father's bedtime stories
issue 37•34
advanced alien civilization discovers uninhabitable planet
quarterback better snap the ball, reports man nervously eyeing play clock
life: totally unfair: this high schooler was only cast as the lead in ‘wicked’ because she’s still stuck in the harness from her performance in ‘peter pan’
michael cohen granted prison work release for new job with trump 2020 campaign
ecstatic american indians praise 'the lone ranger'
limbaugh says drug addiction a remnant of clinton administration
area man has asshole, old navy written all over him
bush still getting clinton's mail
iss astronaut sick of sharing confined space with crass, disgusting partner from polaris 8
hair dyed back to original color
enormous man spends another day indoors
area man still searching for hookup subculture on linkedin
tumbleweed of pubes rolls through desolate dorm bathroom
entirety of man's personal data protected by reference to third season of 'the west wing'
woman who started sentence with ‘oh my god’ really needs to stick landing
trump disapproval rating reaches all-time none of this matters
man in suit slams fist on desk
a timeline of abraham lincoln’s life
sony releases new stupid piece of shit that doesn't fucking work
bailiff can't help wondering what life would be like on other side of judge
absolutely infuriating: george r.r. martin wasted time eating dinner instead of writing his next book
how many of these needlessly hostile ways have you rsvp’d to someone’s baby shower?
study: 'hangin' in there' best one can now feel
6-year-old cries when told mtm productions kitten dead by now
earth ranked number one party planet
new harry potter film turns children on to magic of not reading
destruction of rainforest cafe clears room for new hooters
new parents wisely start college fund that will pay for 12 weeks of education
news: breaking the cycle of addiction: heineken has unveiled new bottles with extra-long necks to give alcoholics time to think about all the people they’re letting down
scandal: mccain won miss congeniality of u.s. senate in 2000, 2003
group cheers after group hears group's name called
tech is the future, reports local dad
‘at least someone’s getting pregnant,’ reports mother-in-law watching news story about child brides
the onion's guide to the rio olympics
parasitic space worm controlling mark kelly's body announces arizona senate bid
siblings patiently waiting for day they'll be close to each other
disgusting coworker barely even washed ass before leaving bathroom
report: more american fifth-graders taking gap year to unwind before middle school
lazy wildlife rescuer lets oily pelicans pile up in sink for 5 days
nutella briefly entertained as lubricant
no one able to tell clam just had stroke
historians piece together carnival east india company’s first cruise in 1605
half-empty bottle of colt 45 left on church steps must be offering to god
fox preempts jets-redskins game in first quarter for more exciting shot of empty ‘nfl sunday’ studio
spotify removes r. kelly from promotions as part of anti-hate policy
woman who changed self to please boyfriend enjoying happy long-term relationship
rich white people get latino guy to do some work for them
company more like family whose members are desperate to join better family
assistant manager accused of sexual indiscrimination
man annoyed by travel plaza's abridged pizza hut menu
netflix town criers announce arrival of 'mad men' season 6 on streaming
‘so fuckin’ sorry to hear about this shit,’ reads outpouring of sympathetic texts from scaramucci’s friends, family
fashion industry declares hottest spring look is upbeat attitude
life: mad with power: un secretary general antónio guterres has just named the honda in which he lost his virginity a world heritage site
jakob dylan still not convinced father a better songwriter
should baseball fix its pacing issues by limiting visits to the in-laws during games?
new law requires welfare recipients to submit sweat to prove how hard they’re looking for job
man reserving judgment on best actress nominees until looking at all 5 pictures
gabe newell reveals to ‘half-life’ fans that they are in hell and he is their devilish master
frito-lay targets blacks with new menthol doritos
9-pound infant barrels way down birth canal
man feeling guilty about chowing down at 9/11 museum café
in wake of jacksonville, florida passes strict ban on being unarmed
bruce springsteen concert totally changes area man's mind about voting
netflix adds thousands of mediocre new subscribers
clinton clinton
hotel lobby treated to entirety of child's song catalogue during check-in process
newly unemployed woman enjoys equal pay for first time in career
there’s no greater bond than the one between a mother and her child’s accomplishments
stormy daniels ‘60 minutes’ interview leads to spike in pornhub searches for anderson cooper
’90s kids rejoice! the end of net neutrality means the return of dial-up speeds
death of sailor in iconic vj-day photo reminds americans of halcyon days when wars still ended
obama hosts diplomatic talks at starbucks while oval office carpet cleaned
portrait of nude, bleeding man hung on school wall
god falling under influence of powerful spiritual guru
trump suffering horrible indigestion after eating fresh, well-prepared state dinner meal
single mother hogging 2 jobs
news: ‘it doesn’t matter now’: now that global carbon emissions have passed the tipping point, john deere is unveiling its 6.0-liter, 800-horsepower omniblast leaf blower
finding common ground: 5 times harry potter and voldemort agreed that for the sorting hat, being put on a kid’s head probably felt like using a bidet
class is dismissed
christie describes isis as grave, towering, meaty threat to u.s. while staring at diner patron’s corned beef sandwich
illegal immigrants returning to mexico for american jobs
scientists discover new species of reptile deep within amazonian bulldozer treads
second-grader expelled from sex farm
real-life grinch celebrates 'hanukkah'
danger in the skies: a new study found that the majority of plane crashes occur because the pilot is holding a turkey drumstick in each hand
all of math teacher's examples involve moon pies
alumni magazine tiptoeing around campus shooting
how hackers steal data from websites
45-year-old fails to make someone very happy one day
diversity win! marvel created a white male superhero who thinks it’s too bad he got powers instead of a latina woman
10 photos of plus-size models we deserve a pat on the back for running | the onion
teacher sees potential in student with glasses
georgia school board bans 'theory of math'
'dsm-5' updated to accommodate man who is legitimately being ordered to kill by the moon
grandma's only movie watched again
fcc chair unveils premium comment line to fast-track net neutrality complaints for $49.99 per month
the week in pictures – week of february 20, 2017
quiz: how many of these things have you let your chiropractor get away with in case it was part of the treatment?
excited juror feels like murder trial being put on just for her
e.l. james admits new erotic novel originally 'tiny toons' fan fiction
iowa residents mystified after strange sign bearing word ‘kasich’ appears on roadside overnight
iggy pop only one allowed in grocery store shirtless
woman unaware she's only person on acid at james taylor concert
news: is harvey weinstein’s matt lauer biopic starring louis ck in trouble?
new evidence suggests president george washington sent woodcut of penis to secretary
anderson cooper informs viewers cnn just minutes away from first significant piece of information of day
whitey bulger verdict interrupted by ben affleck shouting commands from director's chair in balcony
new speech recognition software factors in user's mouth always being full
j.crew debuts new line of stylish casualwear for mannequins
preview: ‘pokémon sword and shield’ is sadly marred by the addition of sponsored content pokémon like boo berry, pep boy moe, and florida orange
pope starting to suspect bishops getting huge erections during meeting on child sexual abuse might be pedophiles
lovestruck arabian princess begs father to spare john kerry’s life
sears gold card holder pushing weight around area sears
philandering string theorist can explain everything
report: employees most innovative when brainstorming dramatic quitting scenarios
powerful: the cast of ‘the west wing’ reunited in richard schiff’s garage last night to say the words ‘resist trump’ back and forth to each other without filming it
masturbatory prose style fails to reach climax
woman who's been on the pill for years thinking about switching to new set of debilitating side effects
34-year-old man may as well keep pursuing dream at this point
grounded plane makes snow angel on tarmac
brazilian government equips firefighters with flamethrowers to combat massive amazon rainforest
nation's cable companies announce they're just going to take $100 from everyone
high school bully ready to unload summer vacation's worth of abuse
study finds majority of u.s. currency has touched financial executive's nude body
u.s. military honors sacrifices of nfl players by wearing jerseys throughout december
nba championship victory easily takes its place among top 10 moments in toronto raptors history
area man gets in one last night of sex before breakup
national board of steve jaskoviak requests $10 billion bailout
400lbs florida woman survives sexual assault by herd of manatees
oscars 2017: the onion’s complete coverage of some trophies and shit
‘cha-cha-cha’: meet the boy who’s bringing a daring new edge to the ‘happy birthday’ song
bush to iraqi militants: 'please stop bringing it on'
sabra hummus: cedar's hummus lacks experience necessary to become america's no. 1 hummus
‘game of thrones’ creators frantically re-shoot finale to make peter dinklage death seem intentional
report: chip in mug right where mouth goes
god proclaims raspberries 'now even more berrilicious'
card-only business discriminates against customers who just have milking goats to barter with
tea-party host struggling to keep conversation going
amsterdam tourist can't find 'kind bud' in phrasebook
classic: why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?
must see: inclusivity win! twister is making a new version with just one big dot so the elderly can play without injuring themselves
new nfl policy requires players to either stand for national anthem or stay in locker room
hospital comforts patients with new therapy oyster program
shareware fee paid
tim duncan: an nba legend rides into the sunset at a safe and prudent speed
eric trump leaves plate of seared foie gras outside bedroom door of despondent donald trump jr.
guy's entire job just asking people if they have time for a quick chat
guillermo del toro makes first appearance with new monster wife at venice film festival
doctor has troubling amount of available appointment slots
jeb bush surprised how easily stance on confederate flag set him apart from other republican candidates
trump boys raid sister's closet for sexy clothes they can use to seduce and blackmail robert mueller
elon musk unveils new clean energy luxury car pulled by 8 tesla employees
darfur, ia also in pretty bad shape
5 things to know about bts
news: eerie: this compilation proves that a lone seagull has been following obama everywhere for years
nation’s sisters issue annual report on dealing with dad
alex delarge forced to step down as leader of droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct
undercover agents talking to each other in 'under 12' chatroom
gates foundation pledges $25 billion to eradicate whatever disease drives people to support taxing the rich
real-life black widow? sure, you nerds will eat that up. this captured russian spy is real-life black widow
looks like bernie sanders has replaced joe biden as the 'politician that does crazy shit'
university of illinois researchers find link between attending university of illinois, receiving solid education at great price
cherokee nation leader announces 32 red a winner
popular new dating app just list of 20 attractive singles to repeatedly scroll through
william safire orders two whoppers junior
financial experts recommend americans set aside giant mesmerizing pearl to rub obsessively in retirement
area man thought he had more forks than this
college professor reminds students it will take a few classes to memorize everyone's triggers
child so stupid she sees letters backwards
alcohol unfairly blamed for local man’s impaired judgment
astronomers predict giant asteroid will hit nation's theaters this summer
man updates little monologue recited when extended relatives ask how he's doing
double tragedy: when this frat pledge had to be rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, frat brothers pressured his doctor into drinking a handle of rum and they both died
texas governor legalizes previously banned wrestling move
'anthem' developers assure players whiteboard with words 'jetpack+guns?' will be playable game by friday
ruby tuesday waiter warns jill stein her green party response to trump speech disrupting other diners
chimp actor looking to direct
horrifying society of grotesque mutants discovered living aboveground
secretary cracks under administration of third raspberry margarita
they said what?!: find out what khloé kardashian, rachael ray, and françois hollande have to say
the human lizard: meet the person who had surgery to look like a reptile but stopped short of anything really cool
anyone’s game: these middle school talent show judges can’t decide which of the fat-kid-and-janitor duos who tap-danced ‘you’ve got a friend in me’ should win first place
quiz: how good was your childhood driveway?
600-year old medieval broadsword found after 72 years.
hit-and-run driver kills prominent member of deer community
caged saddam to be highlight of inaugural ball
'bad to the bone' to be used in film
new york city announces subway just for amazon employees now
single strip of 'i voted' stickers more than enough for midterm polling station
area larva celebrates ascent to adulthood with bar moltzvah
trump announces paris climate deal rejection in front of 16 running faucets
community mural depicts misshapen globs of all races
2 associates of giuliani indicted on campaign finance charges
koko the gorilla now just flipping everybody off
trump dismisses accusers as women
75% of party trolley defaulting on student loans
movie works out exactly as audience hoped
life: 6 times dr. phil got called out by guests for trying to discreetly eat sunflower seeds while they were crying
magnificent sunset loses out to home improvement, judge judy hour
prospective student had most fun getting drunk at arizona state
mom unaware little note she packed with son's lunch getting him beaten up right now
new robert altman film released straight to special-edition director's-cut dvd
life: major breakthrough: nasa scientists have discovered a nearby exoplanet capable of supporting all of janet’s bullshit
here are some of my husbands and some of my vegetables in no particular order
majority of americans lack $500 in savings
god irritated guests do not understand it time to leave heaven
woman conducting ongoing scientific experiment on own skin
friend’s threats to come visit becoming disturbingly more genuine
drone places fresh kill on steps of white house
every picture on man's tinder clearly from same event where he dressed up
transformer refuses to change back into volkswagen
netanyahu announces day of mourning for fence damaged in yesterday’s conflict
u.s. navy creates cool new 'ping' sound
every time area man drops by, friend is watching the big lebowski
completely sober employee still embarrassing self at company party
doctor asks patient if he would mind having medical student, some of his poker buddies in room for exam
clear collusion: upon meeting, trump and putin immediately launched into a 5-minute handshake and chant that made it pretty obvious they went to the same fat camp last year
frustrated wildfire spends hours stuck in l.a. traffic
congress approves $40 million to fight teens
local cat attempts world record for things sat on
life: 6 pairs of aviator sunglasses you can wordlessly hand mom for mother’s day if things are like that right now
expiration labels get an update
nasa catches glimpse of hard-charging curiosity rover just before insight's communications go dark
baby doesn't realize it's a white supremacist yet
fish at pretty good place in its life right now
gender of person in ronald mcdonald costume unclear
harper's index: percentage of harper's readers who only read index: 98
white house raises official hurricane florence death toll to -17
couple stressing about wedding plans as if it won't just take a string of edison bulbs to knock guests' fucking socks off
south postpones rising again for yet another year
news: getting out ahead of this one: uber has apologized in advance if anyone finds out about something called ‘project judas’
hollywood analysts still not sure how ‘saving silverman’ broke box office records last weekend
college graduate accepts position above parents' garage
roommate won't shut up about his best sound mixing oscar
investors remind mark zuckerberg he can't fuck with them like the simpering cowards in congress
st. vincent to world's catholics: stop donating all this crap to me
president trump's executive order shutting down 'the onion'
history channel helicopter to give viewers bird's eye view of history
cool guy from middle school still sporting phat pair of jncos
alpha male marries tri-delta female
‘you are donald trump, 45th president of the united states,’ trump reads from faded tattoo on wrist
i know heaven is real because i saw it and abducted an angel
vacationing man misses own remote control
personal trainer has desk
man entirely different misogynist online than in real life
life: mom of the year: when this woman learned her son was getting made fun of at school, she banished him to a mountain so his bullies couldn’t find him
how many of these brands can you recognize when we take away the logo and just leave the name?
'mother mary was essentially raped,' mourdock says while digging self into deeper hole
family receives 38-piece astrazeneca assorted pill sampler
life: making his own way: this college student refuses to let his parents pay for anything outside of tuition, rent, and food
i’m sort of the abusive mom of my friend group
gym adds big heavy pull thing in corner
[classic from 1999] hasbro pledges additional 30 marbles for hippo-hunger relief
millions of people prince william would never deign to speak to captivated by royal wedding
study finds flushing toilets wastes billions of gallons of piss and shit annually
english teacher already armed with deadly weapon called shakespeare
syria conflict intensifies as bears enter war
felt board adds clarity to christ's teachings
swans in committed relationship barely ever arch necks into heart shape anymore
man googling 'tender lump on neck' about to begin exciting new phase in life
maya angelou thought she'd be invited to more white house stuff
donkey kong left off new ‘super smash bros.’ game after failing to make weight
child who soiled self during dance performance apparently just gonna tough it out up there
sick parent offers man perfect excuse to move back home and give up dreams
7 experiences every aim addict remembers
nyc mayor: 'reconcile yourselves with your god, for all will perish in the tempest'
life: this 14-year-old is already graduating college with a physics degree, and her 15-year-old brother is just the sweetest boy and we’re very proud of him as well
clinton hitchhikes to st. louis for jazzfest
man basks in triumphant glory after purchases line up to exact value of gift card
nation’s blakes cruise easily through lifeguard tryouts
6 ways to avoid the bubonic plague this fall
trump-appointed judicial nominee displays legal expertise by withdrawing nomination
college encourages lively exchange of idea
liberals horrified by lack of inexperience among obama appointees
north korean defector says kim jong-un won’t last
inclusivity win! this white girl vacationing with her friends in the caribbean just posted a group photo featuring a local resort employee with the caption ‘our new friend lol’
flash-animated osama bin laden captured
entire blogosphere stunned by blogger's special weekend post
department of housing and urban development issues report just to keep name out there
lone man with six-pack 'partying'
overweight video game character insecure about size of his hitbox
your neighbors: should you consider talking to them?
woman jealous of horse’s eyelashes
bold new strategy: febreze has released a new line of guns to shoot your dog with if it starts to smell
george zimmerman not going to let one bad experience deter him from neighborhood watch responsibilities
gop leaders demand congressman duncan hunter's resignation after discovering he poor
area man seated next to lou reed on roller coaster
sheepish secret service agent can't explain how vacuum cleaner salesman got into oval office
we would like to make the following corrections to our ‘13 hedgehogs who need a vacation’ list
gross! 7 celebrities who are 45 or older
china discontinues state surveillance program after finally finding guy who drove into xi jinping's mailbox
man wishes live nation would email him whenever any band playing anywhere
new report finds adult film star may have paid over $130,000 to cover up sexual encounter with trump
sunny saves bo from mountain lion during cross-country journey to reunite with obamas
avid fisherman forever ruins fishing for son
rerun of $25,000 pyramid adjusted for inflation
new 'anti-abortion pill' kills mother, leaves fetus alive
horde of orange monsters exits local tanning salon
report: consumer confidence in amorphous, indefinable idea of economy highest since 2006
senator can't believe he has to come in on a wednesday
perfectly good dead body cremated
social media linked to increased loneliness
cheer introduces new higher-priced cheer
man adds a few personalized tracks to standard new-girlfriend mix cd
congress repairs to parlor to hear rep. carolyn maloney play the recorder
poll: 100% of grandsons talented
shit, no way stadium staff throwing t-shirts can reach you
[meta] hillary clinton’s top financial supporter now controls “the onion”
new cereal for poor stays crunchy in water
oh, area man's aching back
he’s a staunch republican. she’s a bleeding-heart liberal. they don’t know each other or anything. who knows where we were going with this.
breaking: thriller writer jeffery deaver at top of his game
seaworld to discontinue great white shark ride
life: 3 jennifer anistons, 2 kim kardashians, 4 (four!!!) michelle rodriguezes, and very sorry but only 1 kristen bell
new preventative drug would kill people before they get alzheimer's
white house declares war on dsl provider
tenth circle added to rapidly growing hell | the onion - america's finest news source
christ reluctantly enters area man’s heart
loser older brother looked up to
unclear if shirtless man in black-and-white film once considered attractive
entire southern border somehow on fire 10 minutes after kushner begins tackling immigration system
rush limbaugh tucks shirt back in following animated flat tax rant
should the government stop dumping money into a giant hole? (youtube)
every parent’s dream: this moon bounce is just kids, no pedophiles!
illiterate spirit frustrates ouija- board players
area dad saw a great show on bigfoot last night
college freshman already loves it
pool noodle has another season in her
terrified glob of cream cheese escapes bagel
heroic: when this man saw a suspicious package on a train, he screamed and screamed and screamed
biden implores obama to 'rub one out' before debate
nurse to grab lunch right after she finishes draining bile from man's liver
5 things to know about milo yiannopoulos
report: saying ‘smells okay’ precedes 85% of foodborne illnesses annually
complete idiot forgot to shave area between mouth and nose
classmates awed by first-grader who gets free breakfast every day
report: majority of money donated at church doesn't make it to god
hometown boy makes good enough
are our children learning enough about whales?
the next elvis presley? this 7-year-old boy has announced that he will die on the toilet
broncos, jaguars helmets sustain severe damage in monday night football helmet collision
life: 51 more guesses as to what the hanging tennis ball in garages is for
roger goodell insists he still hasn't seen ray rice video
gorilla won't stop saying 'gorilla' in sign language
controversial theory suggests aliens may have built ancient egypt’s intergalactic spaceport
4 hours scrolling through facebook before bed referred to as ‘winding down’
bob dole for windows to replace bob dole 4.0
life: environmental disaster: the oceans are now irreversibly polluted with cell phones that businessmen have thrown in after realizing what’s truly important is family
johns hopkins doctors perform first successful surgery on broken thumb
ivana trump calls ex-husband to ask him what he did to her beautiful baby boy
mia farrow: 'it's possible my son was fathered by frank sinatra, mario puzo, george mcgovern, robert altman, anthony perkins, milton berle, robert redford, michael caine, danny aiello, or bruce dern'
‘fortnite’ is having martin shkreli hold an in-game seminar on how to jack up drug prices
vince gilligan's brain spoils final season of 'breaking bad' for vince gilligan
area mom disappointed no one noticed mastectomy
if you want to date my daughter, you’re going to have to date me first - the onion - america's finest news source
as if diabetes wasn't enough...
apple recalls thousands of earbuds that unexpectedly bloomed
obama weighing his syria option
environmental win! the san diego zoo has announced they have acquired a big stupid gorilla that loves to eat plastic and styrofoam
shaq wondering when people in southern hemisphere have march madness
‘seinfeld’ producers reveal they originally planned to kill off jerry in the pilot
department of interior sets aside 50,000 acres as national wildfire refuge
brooks brothers unveils new line of monogramed cum rags
dad tests limits of cheesecake factory vibrating pager
drone that destroyed wrong target casually flying away like nothing even happened
cdc announces americans should make plans to say goodbye to loved ones
tibetan teen getting into western philosophy
area units really moving
report: 17 new species of bacteria found every day in world’s rainforest cafés
three dozen confirmed *@@## in power plant *@@##
cia realizes it's been using black highlighters all these years
woman feels guilty after switching brands
shrimp would be pissed if he could see the lame party he’s going to be served at
trump accidentally fires off 'boring mike pence' tweet during vp speech before he can stop himself
toddler really yanking on penis, report wincing sources
helicopter ride pretty much delivers the goods
republicans vote to repeal obama-backed bill that would destroy asteroid headed for earth
alternative theater waits three hours for stragglers
video-game character feeling healthier after eating turkey leg off ground
punk band has something against local newscaster for some reason
stupid thing won't work
st. louis mayor has sad little plan for turning city into high-tech hub
poll workers overhear biden repeating phrase 'banged her' while reading names on ballot
u.s. hunger for fish byproducts not as strong as first imagined
bill clinton finally just shows america his penis
report: 5th floor a bunch of pompous dicks
dhs: individual al-qaeda operative assigned to each american family
gop builds full-scale replica of struggling ohio town to train presidential hopefuls
john kelly resigns in last-ditch effort to save his and trump's friendship
full-time mom drunk on the job
report: more women choosing to freeze their eggs until age when sudden, unexplained mass infertility places society on verge of collapse
latest news of israeli-palestinian violence makes man hungry for falafel
audiobook narrator really going for broke with cajun accent
area man somewhat disturbed to think perfect woman for him out there somewhere
hamburger creeped out by eerie soy facsimile of itself on grill
new evidence suggests dinosaurs died in cretaceous period hospice
damning reveal: trump’s former doctor has admitted that the president ghostwrote his glowing account of adventuring through trump’s body in a microscopic submarine
clinton reelected by wide margin
area man determined to make the best of situation comedy
study finds effectiveness of medical treatment skyrockets when doctor acts like condescending dick
married couple only staying together for sake of u.s. divorce rate
area man too deep into haircut to start talking to barber now
secretary of interior announces $400 million initiative to preserve self for future generations to enjoy
merger of advertising giants brings together largest collection of people with no discernible skills
woman seems too hot to be riding bus
mirena releases new 10-blade intrauterine sperm shredder
awesome! this lucky school got two proms
thousands of girls match description of missing sorority sister
hilarious love letter found in street
mom gathers rolls of wrapping paper around her to stroke softly
hundreds of people who will die before christmas really excited for holiday season
grandma can still feel draft
news: end of a career: regis philbin has announced he’s retiring from television on account of being on fire
convenience store employee given generous holiday bonus shift
negative parent-teacher conference not exactly eye-opening for area mother
report: american dream now an out-of-court settlement
'look at all the tiny houses,' whispers trump as jet reaches 10,000 feet
nation admits it could probably be talked into another war
website's built-in search engine just pathetic
alternative training school for dogs de-emphasizes obedience
dozens of white houses materialize from temporal vortex as trump's changing account of putin meeting tears apart space-time
grimacing congressman quickly drafts legislation for charley-horse research
app knows it's gone next time man needs space for photos
everyone at airport delighted by chubby family rapidly waddling toward gate
back-to-back broadcasts of 'big' happening on tbs apparently unrelated to death of penny marshall
37 separate aneurysms on verge of rupturing inside reince priebus' brain
new polls increase fears that midterm elections will be won by wave of politicians
new program provides depressed americans with suicide assistance dogs
renowned ornithologist always secretly wanted to be a bird
bernie sanders agrees to drop out of race in exchange for 13-hour speaking slot at convention
nation shudders to think how bad things would seem if they didn't have access to a never-ending torrent of free pornography
giuliani puts odds of trump-mueller interview at 50-65
life: whoa: morgan made the mandatory field-trip t-shirt look cute
'you better give our dad a good trade deal or you'll be sorry!' shout angry trump boys on phone with employee of local chinese restaurant
man wishes there wasn't so much blank room on anniversary card
visionary sports columnist asserts that muhammad ali’s greatest fight wasn’t in the ring
he did kindly arrive! the rock dwayne johnson just blasted his car through the wall of this daycare center to show the toddlers his long, gray wizard’s beard
'planet earth' pa still trying to get release forms from every bird in serengeti
another frightening report by the onion's investigative journalism team
saudi arabia announces escalation of human rights abuses to curry more favor with u.s.
sudafed introduces new sinus drill for immediate congestion relief
clinton not expecting to collect white house security deposit
'game of thrones' viewers reeling after finale unexpectedly kills off fan
man sort of curious what his last straw is going to be
tipper's thumb delivered to gore campaign headquarters
justin trudeau responds to blackface criticism with new ‘triggered?’ campaign slogan
teen who just discovered led zeppelin starting to piss off friends.
master dealmaker: donald trump negotiated with kim jong-un to end the u.s.’s nuclear weapons program in exchange for reduced sanctions on north korea
'missed connection' ad obviously cheney
report: purchasing items from onion store most important way to either stop or help donald trump
nation's dog owners demand to know who's a good boy
white house flag now moving minute to minute to indicate trump's mood
bloated obama delivers press conference from couch behind podium
employee returns from vacation refreshed, ready to waste time
progressive parents allow child to choose how he's ostracized by peers
nation confident team usa can participate in world cup
papal infallibility invoked to allow scrabble word
mental health experts say friends giving away possessions could be warning sign they planning on moving
u.n. secretary general staring straight at israeli ambassador while describing horrors of apartheid in nelson mandela speech
obama still hasn't figured out how to adjust height of oval office desk chair
animal rights win! someone gave this horse a computer
violence erupts at trump rally after supporters clash with protesting gop leaders
new study finds running for 20 minutes each day could add years of soreness to life
third-person limited omniscient narrator blown away by surprise ending
blog: if we don’t protect endangered species, our kids will inherit a world where a silverback gorilla riding a white rhino into battle against a polar bear using a galápagos tortoise as a shield is not possible
life: wedding bells! two people who bullied you in high school are marrying each other
nation suddenly realizes it never had to worry about john mccain dying over past 8 years if he'd become president
baltimore residents urged to stay indoors until social progress naturally takes its course over next century
news: in the interest of full transparency, here are the 7 emails i sent to hillary clinton about my sick horse
emmanuel macron amused by little differences in french, american islamophobia
parents clinging to lone religious element of daughter’s wedding ceremony
poll: 89% of debate viewers tuning in solely to see whether roof collapses
government official who makes perfectly valid, well-reasoned point against israel forced to resign
eerie: these two strangers, thousands of miles apart, have almost the exact same initials
man playing ‘battlefield v’ has now spent more of life fighting nazis than grandfather did
labor secretary horrified to learn some americans working jobs they do not truly enjoy
jfk jr. announces plans to run for best-dressed man in '98
derek jeter: ‘i will never enter this part of the city again’
an incredible eclipse: nasa has announced that a huge quiet guy will be standing in front of a small loud guy in their parking lot for the first time in 65 years
australian forced to flee homeland to sell his microwave omelet cooker
karl rove ensures republican elected as student body president
target 'dorm room essentials' aisle being browsed exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments
(2012) after obama victory, shrieking white-hot sphere of pure rage early gop front-runner for 2016
man taking photo with ipad oblivious to how badass he looks
pumpkin clearly had finger in it
report: no way this year's summer strawberries living up to hype
apple: new iphone good
new york to host 1998 ill-will games
mother still yammering away under her tombstone
stanford students admit it was pretty obvious billionaire's dog didn't get in by itself
petting-zoo goats swarm horrified 4-year-old
'i'd like you to post long, aggressive rants on social media,' says bernie sanders in supporter's interpretation of speech
pharmaceutical industry reeling as more moms making vaccines at home
air india now offers business caste seating
color drains from michael flynn’s face after single red dahlia drops out of envelope from russian intelligence
eiffel tower finally completed
new software yellows neglected digital photos over time
david’s bridal introduces new line of whore-red dresses for wicked, impure divorcées’ shameful second weddings
child 'very sorry' for slapping teddy bear
scientists posit theoretical 'productive weekend'
freezing woman dining outside desperately clutching cloth napkin for warmth
lot of bold talk about making broth going around apartment
soulless man has cordless phone
are your parents letting you get a tattoo because they don’t care in a cool way or in a sad way?
nonprofit places burnouts in jobs you can do blitzed out of your mind
karate studio hoping to get local phone number that spells out word 'kick' or 'chop'
way too much raised for bronchitis research
airport security pig finds concealed truffles
going rogue: this mom bought a ticket to the movie, too, even though she was just supposed to drive everyone to theater and then leave
blog: every middle-class family should have money set aside for an unexpected emergency like republicans having a majority in congress
infants piling up at orphanage's old address
nflpa warns holdouts they need to consider the risk that they’ll end up having to sign with jets
where is kim jong-un? some have speculated that kim jong-un is facedown in north korea's only bowl of rice.
unregistered sex offender notifies neighbors in his own way
hanukkah decorations being defaced earlier every year
partisan differences set aside for congress's annual erotic masquerade ball
life: 6 piping-hot tv show ideas to coax dennis franz out of retirement
local newswoman's hairstyle reported on by co-anchor
trump cancels white house subscription to ‘highlights’ over anti-goofus bias
report finds drug tunnels most intact transport infrastructure in u.s.
was lebron too hard on his laker teammates when he called them a ‘bunch of dumbass shitheads who should quit basketball’?
dying mastermind pulls red lever
scalia bundles up in fur robe in preparation for d.c. blizzard
fuck-buddy becomes fuck-fiancé
gore calls for recount of supreme court vote
so close: woman in fairytale kisses frog but it just turns into frog with human hand
franz ferdinand frontman shot by gavrilo princip bassist
report: really old tenant probably pays much cheaper rent
report: breathing can extend lifespan by several decades
they said what?!: find out what donald glover, joe biden, and alice walton have to say
nude model suspects she's posing for civics class
man misses simple pleasure of going to movie store, browsing for something, being told it's out, driving home
brain-dead teen, only capable of rolling eyes and texting, to be euthanized
what’s next for u.s.-cuban relations
revolutionary new homophobia immersion therapy involves lowering patient into tank of gays
local news anchor happy as hell, going to take it  for long, long time
blindfolded panetta shipped to kabul in hilarious cia hazing ritual
bush introduces new timmy blanchard left behind act
chili's customer who just finished ribs platter given complimentary hose-down
'i am under 18' button clicked for first time in history of internet
supreme court legalizes gay marriage after landmark 193,000,000-115,000,000 decision
democratic congressman protests trump's environmental policies by bringing endangered red wolf to state of the union as guest
melania trump straightens husband's neck skin before walking out onto inauguration platform
couple has nest egg of debt to make sure they've got some money to owe down the road
blog: society isn’t perfect, but you’ve got to admit, we’ve made it pretty easy to buy gum
cubs fans cautiously optimistic after jake arrieta throws 8th no-hitter, team scores over 30 runs for 12th consecutive game
lowe's unveils new table saw with attached ice chest for storing cut-off fingers
morbidly obese man enjoys disabled privileges with motorized cart
life: getting desperate: tucson is claiming the apocalypse has decimated the rest of the country to prevent millennials from escaping to cooler cities
homeland security criticized for allowing known killer to stay in country
the onion reviews 'fifty shades of grey'
macy's concludes thanksgiving day parade with traditional procession of santa's coffin
putin starts off morning by sitting down to write the day’s news
beanie baby collection stares at owner with 226 cold, dead eyes
news: nation in mourning: roger ailes, america’s jolly grandpa who was always pulling beloved goofs on ladies, has been murdered by the deep state
drought-ravaged nyc institutes alternate-side-of-street firefighting
'vogue' assistant photo editor tasked with airbrushing out all of amy adams' swastika tattoos
iowa resident has opinion month too late
lure of free meal each shift too great for disgruntled arby's employee
olympic drug testing official left horribly disfigured after coming into contact with russian urine
god gets celtic cross tattooed on back
awards given out randomly to skinny blonde women
adorable 23-year-old yelling about economic injustice must have just read howard zinn for first time
nation hears voices encouraging it to buy gun
pope francis grills burgers on balcony of st. peter's basilica
los angeles on high alert as lapd back on regular duty
popeye's sign town's tallest monument
american psychiatric association adds ‘obsessive categorization of mental conditions’ to ‘dsm-5’
report: 80% of all traffic accidents caused by drivers gawking at shirtless hunks
'is it too late to audition?' asks perfect actor for role, poking head into room just as producers were giving up hope
the horror of realizing you may have married the wrong person · watch this · the a.v. club
poll: 98% of people picture run-down strip mall parking lot when word 'america' said
budweiser american lager purchased at tavern
indian-american child having difficulty finding bicycle license plate with his name on it
touring company of cats prepares for yet another day in the goddamn catsuits
woman has few enough friends to consider confiding in sister
man's family rises to record-high fourth priority
life: 5 times neil degrasse tyson threatened someone with halley’s comet
weak little man asks for help
high school drama teacher already has pretty good idea who he'll pick for fall girlfriend
bored j.b. pritzker brainstorming new hobbies to blow money on after winning election
report: average american worker replaced within 10 minutes of taking vacation
lack of sexual tension with coworker almost unbearable
scott pruitt accused of bribing fifa referee within 10 minutes of u.s. world cup announcement
mueller annoyed by dipshit protestors holding up traffic during commute
guards gun down four angels escaping from heaven
weird man begins every morning by dousing his naked body in water
bill up and dies in tennessee legislature
spotify removes ‘this is: white supremacy’ playlist
sad 38-year-old googles 'jobs caring for baby animals'
couple doesn't deserve deck
man not belonging to movie's target demographic escorted from theater by hollywood officials
vatican unveils new rosary for windows
'new york times' vr program takes user inside immersive, 3d world of paul krugman
red cross installs blood drop-off bins for donors' convenience
city officials warn against flushing feminine hygiene products after finding 8-foot-long, 250-pound tampon lurking in sewers
news website likes to set aside a little ad space to promote own articles
trump takes moment to thank all the fear in audience for making this night possible
esports star suspected of using peds
another failure: facebook is scrambling to beef up security after discovering millions of users who falsely listed their education as ‘school of hard knocks’
man wishes there was some sort of sign he could put on his house to let visitors know he has gone fishing
script could use another pass, mom says
quiet loner really comes out of shell at gun store
i am leaving the bloated corpse of journalism behind for this so-called ‘sociable-media’ and its mountains of gold
embarrassed cdc announces it accidentally switched flu shots with hiv
closeted soldiers getting in last clandestine rendezvous before 'don't ask, don't tell' repealed
michael j. fox reluctantly fields hoverboard question during parkinson's research benefit
new religious freedom bill gives small business owners right to annul any gay marriage
man having a great time will soon have to apologize to everyone
confused audience member at town hall debate asking about city's new stoplights
excercise ball all the way over there
brad pitt promises 1,000 years of peace
heartfelt apology robs man of cherished grudge
unfair advantage: wealthy families are paying thousands of dollars to have men chuck apples at their kids’ heads if they aren’t studying
osha special ops team raids local office after receiving intel on expired fire extinguisher
sweating, trembling mom still coming down from high of having kids under one roof
grandmother will live on in arguments over her wedding china
awesome tie-in: thousands of dock workers across america have been driving forklifts as an apparent shadow promotion for ‘shenmue 3’
local airhead wants to work with kids
military recruiter fondly recalls when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making binding 8-year commitment to fill quota
frocked podium boys shine in pre-state-of-the-union rituals
news: groundbreaking discovery: the world’s foremost expert on whether van gogh had tusks has determined that van gogh did not have tusks
blotting of ken olin from human memory delayed several years
new program provides depressed americans with suicide assistance dogs
wrigley field removes iconic ivy from urinal troughs
roof of mouth in serious condition following cap'n crunch consumption
georgia governor signs bill outlawing abortion except for single 30-second window on third day of fourth week of pregnancy
resigning house leader cantor reflects on all the accomplishments he thwarted
walgreens unveils new line of shrink-wrapped sandwiches to grab when something has gone horribly, horribly wrong
‘aquaman 2’ announced
receipt brazenly placed in bag without permission
report: murderer who escaped in 1996 remains most successful case of prisoner reintegration
charlie rose presses self about sexual harassment allegations in tense charlie rose interview
ice agents hurl pregnant immigrant over mexican border to prevent birth on u.s. soil
moderator explains that gop will have 2 minutes after every trump response to distance selves from candidate
anyone who thinks homosexuality is unnatural clearly hasn’t watched my neighbors really go at it
humiliation of women receives 10 billionth standing ovation
pros and cons of making birth control available over the counter
antidepressant can't believe it's expected to fix this mess all on its own
child unaware just how many of his toys intended to steer him away from homosexuality
study: casual sex only rewarding for first few decades
silicon valley startup seeks to change the way women flee tech industry
lingerie-wearing boehner: 'we still have a very pretty speaker of the house'
michael avenatti arrested for attempted extortion of nike for $20 million
pizza crust saved to make pizza stock
epa warns americans not to breathe
what you need to know about the zika virus
michele bachmann announces bid to be discussed more than she deserves in 2012
don’t understand net neutrality since that horse kicked you in the head? hush now, and look at the river
manslaughter laws sure are confusing
cancer lobbies for decreased cancer funding
dismembered nate silver found in dumpster behind gallup headquarters
check out adele singing “carpool karaoke,” then watch some digimon guys sing karaoke
family thought grandfather might enjoy watching worst little league game imaginable
how trump plans to ‘drain the swamp’
god regrets never creating any two-headed snake creatures
real toy used as sex toy
clickhole: this 43-year-old man won't let himself be defined by barbie's beauty standards
north dakota drinks itself to sleep again
wal-mart executives kind of weirded out by town not putting up any resistance to store opening
man doesn't even do good job at sleeping
jesse helms treed by coon hounds
man silently eating personal pan pizza alone in corner of airport unaware this will be best part of 7-day vacation
child buried in backyard under popsicle-stick cross
only the pure of heart may see our picture of muscular tommy pickles
report: u.s. leads world in lost sunglasses
moon finally hatches
news: 7 invasive species donald trump brought back on air force one from his international trip
bush gives france 30 days to speak english
microbrewer trying to work dog into name of new seasonal beer
hillary clinton opens new presidential library charting course of purely theoretical tenure as commander in chief
senate passes blame by vote of 91-8
life: good luck, lady: grandma just started watching ‘sons of anarchy’ in hospice, which is pretty optimistic considering there are 7 seasons
nation's panicked, blood-covered citizens demand you give them just one goddamn second to think
bashar al-assad shares laugh with military leaders over time he once wanted to be a doctor and help people
palmolive attacks dawn for coddling grease
ironic-kitsch-appreciation subculture excited about new britney spears novel
bo obama addresses graduates of dayton obedience school
new study finds best sunscreen is layer of human blood
immune-deficient realtor forced to spend entire life in housing bubble
uber hires marketing firm to help decrease brand awareness
fourth-grade teacher polishing up speech on this not being third grade anymore
world wildlife fund now just trying to get few nice photos of every species for posterity
slow-witted conspiracy theorist convinced government behind nasa | the onion - america's finest news source
super bowl halftime show marred by functioning sound system
mysterious necrotic skin disease continues to eat away at baby’s face weeks after being kissed by ted cruz
defiant mitch mcconnell holds merrick garland's severed head aloft in front of capitol building
christian juggler regrets years wasted as secular juggler
area man too poor to afford movers, too old to get help from his friends
eyes removed in violent yearbook attack
teen runaway starts new high-paying career
5 questions: ‘the red m&m and the yellow m&m are each other’s sons’: 5 questions with lorde
unambitious loser with happy, fulfilling life still lives in hometown
pope francis crushes small demon crawling across papal apartment floor
area dog's rock bottom same as his peak
powerful 'his and hers' towel lobby stalls gay marriage legislation
free-range chicken makes it to bolivia
man on bus can tell by surroundings he either hasn't reached stop yet or passed stop long time ago
'you did great!' terrified personal assistant tells clint eastwood
man calls trust fund savings
video: inclusivity win! this toilet has a loud speaker begging people to shit in it regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation
report: typical city bus contains no fewer than four erections at any given time
sotomayor to add ballistics expertise to already deadly supreme court
ipod made by chinese children to benefit african children
the dark side of celebrity: chris pratt won’t sta... | clickhole
man always taking good mood out on friends
ulta releases line of shitty hair ties to give cheap-ass friend who's always borrowing them
small change in procedure wendy's manager's crowning achievement
tv producers running out of types of people to have dance with each other
trump insists manafort, assange only discussed how bad collusion is
'perfect' birthday card discovered in local mall
shameful privilege: this kid conveniently got into yale the same year his dad donated an enormous new physics professor
unpaid internship a really great experience for local company
‘t. rex may be smaller than previously thought,’ report 50-foot-tall researchers
science guy bill nye killed in massive vinegar/baking-soda explosion
chris kattan wondering whether he should start a podcast
this time to be different
israel unveils new defense system to deflect accusations of human rights violations
report: most americans can’t even name their state’s shadow lord | the onion - america's finest news source
top inventions of the 21st century
pretty pointless: this woman who lived to be 107 died anyway
man says 'fuck it,' eats lunch at 10:58 a.m.
son surprised dad knows johnny cash song
presidential debate commission anesthetizes audience to prevent outbursts during debate
laura bush suspects anniversary card penned by speech writer
hotel now charging patrons for looking at items in minibar
anonymous source: 'i'm a cowardly snitch'
dishwasher broke
americans take brief break from waiting on hold with insurance providers to celebrate obamacare ruling
gamers rejoice: steam is having a sale this week on 50 pounds of hot salad for only $5
amtrak passengers treated to whirlwind tour of poor people's yards
how people are radicalized online
saddam hussein freed on technicality
breakthrough procedure allows parents to select sexiness of child
man just needs to power through another day of not being broke and unemployed
reddit hookup. best girls for f*cking in the world! reddit recommend! [theonion]
dozens of social issues thankful they never had to go toe-to-toe with muhammad ali
dad's been on a parenting kick lately
motivational poster inspires 264 layoffs
shocked vladimir putin slowly realizing he didn't conspire with trump campaign
breast implants found to cause problems in laboratory mice
my stab at an onion article - tweeted to them as a job application
progressive company pays both men and women 78% of what they should be earning
news: the crackdown intensifies: tampax secret police just rounded up 40 free-bleeders and sent them to their menstrual education camp
bush frustrated by mother's constant questioning of his plans post-white house
pizza hut introduces new meat sympathizer's pizza
clear from stock music that video never meant to be watched with sound on
mark zuckerberg insists anyone with same skewed values and unrelenting thirst for power could have made same mistakes
new lion tamer shocked by vast amount of paperwork
when your fb friends can't spot a joke article.
lgbtq representation win! a new ‘the last of us 2’ trailer revealed that harvey milk is still alive in the game’s universe
absolutely beautiful: this incredible artist imagined what it would be like if kurt cobain had lived long enough to get both his hands stuck in beehives
romney throws quinceañera for ann in last-minute attempt to get hispanic vote
panic rapidly setting in as man realizes he has no plan for ripe avocado
american torturing jobs increasingly outsourced
brittle jewess does not like what george clooney is wearing
thriving 'onion' puts another print edition out of business
are you smart enough to work for google? | clickhole
empty wall behind couch falls into girlfriend's crosshairs
news: holy fucking shit: fargas the foreign-exchange student just cracked his head open in gym class and is shrieking like a motherfucker
report: american people lead world in compressing big sandwiches so they’re bitable
everyone in family compliments grandmother on how small and feeble she's gotten
camel cash inherited from grandpa
study: online content creators outnumber consumers 2,000 to 1
outdoor movie guest excited to watch barely audible 'back to the future' while sitting on tree root
exhausted trump supporter just decides massive cuts to healthcare subsidies reason he voted for him
man really letting no one have it during exit interview
mental hospital fire leaves hundreds of demons homeless
chuck todd extensively preparing to accept whatever candidates say at face value without any follow-up questions
buick regal named best vehicle in class for idling outside off-track betting parlor
area woman insists on helping coworker through personal crisis
shutting down the haters: bernie sanders just proved he’s young enough to run for president by hiring a team of bodyguards that are all 20 years older than him
total hunk sitting over by plant
jimmy carter already back to elite sumo wrestling circuit after recovering from hip surgery
i was up all night spend here, you can undress for this register: vrm60qofql
they said i would never walk again and i really have to commend them for their spot-on diagnosis
gop recommends americans set aside income from one of their jobs to pay for healthcare under new bill
lifelong love affair with music ends at age 35
sleepover guests get story straight on what time they went to bed
child soldier promoted to child private 1st class
senator feinstein wondering if now a good time to disclose 7 highly credible murder allegations against kavanaugh she received weeks ago
losing-powerball-numbers announcement enters 17th hour
study: obsessive-compulsive disorder obsessive-compulsive disorder obsessive-compulsive disorder
body language experts offer insight into meaning of marco rubio loudly sobbing throughout debate
experimental band theoretically good
experts say earliest warning signs of mental health issues usually crossing eyes while dribbling finger on lips, saying 'cuckoo, cuckoo'
dorm room decorated with empty bottles of adderall
senator struggling to weigh interests of entire constituency against nothing
due to over crowding and traffic issues in yosemite, massive construction ensues.
report: oyster cracker–wise, nation doing pretty good
clinton hurls feces at detractors
nancy pelosi planning to reenergize house by injecting self with blood of young representatives
baltimore pigeons shocked to find beloved shitting statues gone
bradley cooper racks up staggering one oscar nominations
'you're right' host changes abortion stance after realizing he wouldn’t have show if he was aborted
area man first in his family to coast through college
women now empowered by everything a woman does
bar table scientists awarded 4-beer grant to complete analysis on why he’s not good enough for you
area grandmother comes forward as 'banksy'
toddler figures it about time to shove whole plastic easter egg into mouth
malicious focus group convinces marketers cinnamon mountain dew is the next big thing
giant burrito to solve all of area man’s problems for 6 precious minutes
area man committed to being spicy food guy
struggling don rickles has nothing but nice things to say about audience
a public nuisance: barack obama was kicked off of a white house tour for shouting, ‘i already know that,’ after everything the tour guide said
judge restricts roger stone's travel between fox news, infowars studios while released on bond
life: heartbreaking: this guy is beating himself up for making a dumb comment in a meeting even though his coworkers ignore him whenever he talks
grandma getting to point where she looks like every other grandma
surgeon general recommends twisting head far enough until you hear little pop
person who clearly hasn't seen 'the fifth element' arguing there no good roles for women
north carolina elects someone to run out for cigarettes
skipping out on friend's birthday party at last minute closest woman will ever come to feeling rush of heroin
8 most popular college majors | the onion
frozen tundra of emptiness stretching out forever and ever weighed against date with mike4763
goose suddenly realizes it doesn't have to honk like an idiot entire time it's flapping wings
biden quietly asks obama to pick him up some of those real throwing stars from japan
trump claims waterboarding doesn’t come close to the excruciating torment he experiences at every moment
cat seemed perfectly content right up until point he bolted out of room
film-school graduate goes straight to video-store job
tic-tac-toe grandmaster devises brilliant new gambit
undercurrent of inequality and fear roiling just beneath surface of '50s-themed diner
impatient nation demands supreme court just get to the gay stuff
lowly mortal opens portal to hell
infomercial host skeptical at first, then delighted by product
sweatshop worker doesn't even want to know working conditions of place her company gets fabric
law enforcement questions why alton sterling was even black in the first place
report: burying, cremating baby boomers to generate $200 trillion in gdp
loser can't even get wife pregnant
has the gypsy bill belichick killed during training camp come back to haunt the patriots?
‘it’s not so bad,’ mike pence reports on conditions of detainment center while hazmat suit disinfected
craig kilborn ready to return to the daily show
video game shopkeeper starting to get suspicious after selling 800 bombs to player
facebook announces plan to combat fake news stories by making them actually happen
john kelly roots out remaining priebus sympathizers hiding in tunnels throughout white house
secretary of education under investigation for falsifying hall passes
supposedly educated professor has no idea how to get bird out of lecture hall
epa urges nation to develop new air source
adjusting several sliders on recording studio’s mixing console pays off big time
new study finds women should only be making 20 cents less on dollar than men
india opens new mohandas k. gandhi nuclear-testing facility
trapped chilean miners considering how funny it would be if they all died right as rescuers completed tunnel
gwyneth paltrow tried to survive a week on food stamps
horrified investigators find unresponsive legislative body in capitol building
man can't decide whether to give sandwich to homeless or ducks
purina introduces 'own shit' dog food flavor
as a facebook employee, i was ordered to bury thousands of stories about mark zuckerberg’s human zoo
biden opts out of putting last few felonies on job application
officials struggling to condense trump’s intelligence briefing down to one word
new netflix gas lets users inhale multiple seasons of tv shows
news: marvel studios in crisis: tom holland has quit the spider-man franchise after stan lee kept calling to tell him that spider-man can shoot a weak stream of warm water out of his neck
leaked footage reveals grisly scene where detective pikachu examines jigglypuff’s corpse at morgue
gop completely fixes economy by canceling funding for npr
middle-aged woman so tired of going back and forth between divorced parents’ nursing homes
8 things no guy over 25 should have in his apartm... | clickhole
cheney suspects bush listening in on other phone
santa anita park officials announce they will stop allowing bets on all upcoming horse deaths
jesus-loving co-worker believes she's not alone at lunch table
sasha obama suspicious after doing a little digging around on benghazi
dick pulled back out again
news: doing the right thing: equifax just released the other 182 million social security numbers because they realized they’re not responsible enough to have them anymore
tea party movement hopelessly divided into enraged, apoplectic factions
freelancer loves being able to barely scrape by livelihood on own schedule
man always sleeps with bat beside bed just in case any major league pitchers try to break in
bath & body works scientists destroy experimental scent unfit for mankind
study: depression hits losers hardest | the onion
friend wondering if you can catch him up on what happened in previous 7 seasons during 'game of thrones' title sequence
rosa parks not really honored by new bus depot
chuck yeager dies in fiery kitchen mishap
paul ryan delivers impassioned 10-minute pained facial expression
news: bold new strategy: if you donate more than $30 to the clinton campaign, hillary clinton will come to your house and bury your mattress in the ground
priscilla chan leaves mark zuckerberg for onion social ceo
lawyers separate mary-kate & ashley olsen in 17-hour procedure
planet earth doesn't know how to make it any clearer it wants everyone to leave
religious conservatives argue adam and eve would never have been banished from eden if they’d had guns
local church full of brainwashed idiots feeds town's poor every week
biden calls dibs on qaddafi's clothes
donald trump stares forlornly at tiny, aged penis in mirror before putting on clothes, beginning day
study finds newborn infants can tell if parents are losers
trump to use twitter for major policy announcements
a timeline of gun laws in america
divorced man sadly removes ex-wife's admin privileges from home security system
turtle bocce balled around
child clinging to daddy's leg like it's helicopter evacuating saigon
jackie chan's ancestors shamed by blooper reel
magazine article about mindy kaling fails to mention she's a woman
registered florida sex predator wins $3 million lottery jackpot
it easy to tell what area man will look like as skeleton
epa unveils plan to add 500 million squirts of lemon to u.s. water supply
god excited about first trip to japan
public outraged as price of fast-depleting, non-renewable resource skyrockets
national friends alliance vigorously defends right to have great time palling around with buddies
furry orgy breaks out at 'zootopia' premiere.
5 awesome ’90s toys that you can rub on your legs in the dark
new triple-x dinosaur park opens in nevada
trump fascinated by israeli cultural tradition of mass slaughter of protesters
container of recyclables emptied into trash
must see: terrible: pringles has revealed its logo is a severed head perpetually stuck in the brief period of consciousness that follows decapitation
god urges rick perry not to run for president
town uglification committee approves new pile of garbage bags
u.s. indicts 12 russian officials who will be indicted for 2018, 2020 election hacking
saudi arabia sends assassins to dismember entire international community in effort to stifle dissent
amazing! this new gmail feature will let you know if you’re being normal in an email
divorced man forced to get back down to dating weight
life: modern-day gandhi: meet the radical ascetic who insists that he’s really fine without a blanket while crashing at a friend’s house
betty friedan honored with second-class postage stamp
man thanks god he's not sexually attracted to children
here's why you're wrong
disillusioned hollywood sign moves back to small iowa farm town
sausage storm grounds nation's airliners
man wondering if there might be some sort of website featuring footage of sexual acts one may view for purposes of self-gratification
this fanboy loves ‘star wars’ so much he plans to watch ‘the force awakens’ in theaters
goody introduces new line of governess hairbrushes for raking across the scalps of insolent little girls
new 'steak & onion' potato chips taste disturbingly like steak and onions
family comforted by thought that man's death will prevent others from climbing war memorial to pretend to fuck horse
if only once, it would be nice if hodor said ‘women’s rights’
family dog barking at evil
bob dylan digitally remastered
nature is incredible: this suicidal octopus species can perfectly camouflage itself as a hamburger to get predators to eat it faster
vacation to israel canceled due to history of israel
thrill-seeking man wonders how long he can keep up dangerous sedentary lifestyle
quiz: which of your dumbass contributions to the class’ discussion of ‘animal farm’ prompted the faculty to quietly reassign you to the school’s landscaping crew?
scientists discover portal to outside world
man coming to terms with fact that shower not getting any hotter
boss wants to know if you can work late this year
report: poor people pretty much fucked
how bad do you wish you were king arthur?
political scientists baffled by trump's ability to end something he had no control over just days ago
life: everyday hero: when this high school student’s dad died unexpectedly, his teacher stepped in to hit on his mom
long john silver’s introduces new golden fried abomination from the deep
report: oh, fuck yeah, egg yolk dripping all over sandwich
q-tips introduces new multi-speed electric ear swab
area man meets that special someone else
nation abuzz over c-span original movie
michigan gop passes legislation rerouting flint drinking water to governor's mansion for incoming democrat
puerto ricans hoping this year's hurricane season will blow some infrastructure back in place
onion social announces hiring of james damore as chief technology officer
cinephiles rejoice! here are 9 screenshots from the movie ‘adaptation’
‘is it too late to audition?’ asks perfect actor for role, poking head into room just as producers were giving up hope
stan lee, creator of beloved marvel character stan lee, dead at 95
dazed mike pence wakes up 15 miles outside d.c. after asking god to deliver him from evil
6-day visit to rural african village completely changes woman’s facebook profile picture | the onion - america's finest news source
brutal cold does not factor into man's decision to stay inside for two days straight
nfl to curb excessive celebrations by removing areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions
ilhan omar disrespectfully refers to america as ‘a place’
hi! yooou l_0_ve s@x!! awpx6hrdkqi
report: you in the way of billiards game
life: heartbreaking: the worst person you know just made a great point
trumpet player wishes someone would sound horns for him when he entered castle gates for once
isis starting to worry new recruit huge psycho
dog experiences best day of his life for 400th consecutive day
elderly woman to teeter, quiver
how can i use feminism to my advantage?
13 year old drinking prodigy accepted to ohio state
no excuse: this kid who’s rich enough to have a full-blown basketball court in his backyard is by far the shittiest basketball player on his team
beto o'rourke announces he starting obama cover campaign
ups guy hasn't heard a doorbell like that one in a while
bonobo embarrassed after walking in on parents, siblings, cousins, friends, partner having sex
blog: the only time i saw my dad cry was after spending 18 long years trying to break him
area film buff wondering what pauline kael would say about cookie's fortune
5 tragedies weirdly predicted by adam sandler
passenger glued to airplane window like it fucking 1956
should the nfl eliminate the off-season?
warby parker apologizes for years of testing glasses on animals
no one admits to fart joke
shitty region of country figures it might as well give producing wine a shot
martin luther king bust first thing to go, romney adviser quietly thinking
world war ii hero cursed out for driving speed limit
diamondbacks settle long-standing civil suit with offspring of bird hit by randy johnson’s fastball
authorities fear youtube shooter might inspire wave of copycat content creators
sprite introduces cola-flavored sprite
judge totally understands where defendant is coming from
double-jointed man on date breaks it out too early
father showing kids 'field of dreams' for first time unaware kevin costner sparking son's sexual awakening
couple unable to conceive of child
poll finds americans' greatest fear is waitress forgetting about them
naked andrew yang emerges from time vortex to warn debate audience about looming threat of automation
video: why haven’t we ever seen barack obama naked? white house source confirms it’s because he has a stomach pouch where he keeps a copy of ‘the communist manifesto’
diphtheria excited about possibility of new outbreak
crocodile bites off bush's arm
autistic child ruins marriage he was born to save
how migrants reach europe
u.s. census report finds some poor fuck named kip
baby takes political stance
chuck grassley cranks up music in senate chamber to drown out ford's testimony
homicide detective wishes he could go one case without having to solve elaborate riddle
8 characters i created to teach my kid about dental hygiene that have unfortunately come to life
i won't have my daughter bringing a black man into this house until i've tidied up and created a welcoming environment
state's abortion waiting period allows women to explore alternatives to making their own decisions
the 7 types of boyfriend every woman goes through
5 questions: sometimes i’ll just type a single letter ‘h’ and get too scared to finish the word: 5 questions with stephen king
just in case the guys who make batman are reading…here are all my good batman ideas
this is only our first draft of the list ‘5 common birds that are actually pretty cool’ so any notes you have would be greatly appreciated
scotland yard frees 163-year-old british man after dna evidence clears him of being jack the ripper
illegal activity moved 32 feet from shore
science teacher struggles to justify showing total recall
winded trump forced to lie down for last half of speech
guidance counselor reminds self-mutilating drug user about sat deadlines
the backlash continues: colin kaepernick is joining the nike boycott after learning it doesn’t make top hats
is harvey weinstein’s matt lauer biopic starring louis ck in trouble?
new study finds nothing that will actually convince you to change your lifestyle so just forget it
mitt romney announces he's running for his life
ryan lochte admits olympic pool much wetter than he remembered
how supreme court justices are chosen
rick santorum asks u.s. populace if he's still running for president
bush hopes recession doesn't affect sales of his memoirs
teen on birthright trip hadn't expected to see so many dead palestinians
the onion’s guide to trick-or-treating
sony scores big win for playstation 5 after poaching yoshi from nintendo with 10-year $400 million contract
9/11 memorial curators decide not to display swastika formed by twisted girders found at ground zero
historical archives: popular hymns heard sung of late.
court takes custody of harley from unfit motorcycle mama
police race to scene of car alarm
unpublished twain autobiography rails against youtube, bp, war in afghanistan
measuring spoon hasn't looked back ever since being detached from ring
college freshman experiences first tantalizing taste of freedom waiting in line at burrito station while parents find table
new ‘cut off your genitals’ challenge gains popularity among teens online
they ate the onion! goku eyes would-be cool tho
the american dream: what does that part about kissing the gym teacher mean?
toddler at that cute age where anything can be projected on them
senate votes 64-36, not sure on what
new study finds human beings were never meant to wake up from sleep
grandson's jigsaw puzzle strategy fucking pathetic
mississippi bans soft drinks smaller than 20 ounces
innovative business always on the cutting edge of what other companies have been doing for a few years
last living california raisin dies of prostate cancer
entire meal consumed while testing if it needs more time in microwave
build lean muscle! burn stubborn fat! real people, real results! get free trial bottle! [theonion]
report: strongest human relationships emerge from bashing friend who couldn't make it out
life: hindsight is 20/20: if this guy had stayed in the cult he joined in 1975, he’d be an astrolord of the seventh dome by now
find out what justin bieber, jennifer aniston, and courtney love have to say
alec baldwin secretes own hair gel
ran into this beauty today
new poll finds millennials far more likely to politically identify as feudalists than previous generations
struggling us airways introduces $100 million bomb fee
2018 election has record number of women nominees
ex-con back behind bar
experts warn repeated attempts at eradicating obamacare may have created ultra-resistant super law
celebrity smell-alike sweats just like alec baldwin
netflix executive unsure how to tell barack obama his series idea just ‘fawlty towers’
nation’s 30-year-olds pool money to buy 2-bedroom bungalow together
nation's loyalists compete in annual nigel's bangers and mash eating contest
historians say it still a mystery how people in ancient times didn't just go crazy and kill themselves
i am an affront to god (by a hot air balloon)
the man with a bionic penis will lose his virginity to a dominatrix who ran for parliament
trump wistfully smells lock of murdered journalist's hair gifted to him by putin
tips for choosing the right veterinarian
gop leaders demand congressman duncan hunter’s resignation after discovering he poor
bad game design: this incredibly lifelike simulation of new york city is ruined by the unrealistic presence of a spider-themed crimefighter
terminator-type robots would be mistake say scientists
chinese citizens gather in beijing square to watch u.s. national debt clock strike $18 trillion
mommy having sleepover
life: once you make it through these pictures of roman coins it’s fair enough to tell people you went to a museum
poll finds 68% of iowans turned on by knowledge whole nation watching
mysterious man in parking lot threatens to harm rudy giuliani if he ever blabs about trump's legal payments again
aarp blasted as out of touch, past its prime
female friend group fails in one duty of providing good gynecologist recommendation
nation suspects leads in local high school play may be dating
college administrators hold candlelight vigil to honor donor lost in mishandled rape case
rex tillerson shoots mike pompeo quick email explaining all the countries
experts say breakfast now sixth most important meal of the day
nice! this badass dad built his kids the ultimate ‘frozen’-themed treehouse and pretty much clinched full custody
study: 86 percent of world's soccer stadiums double as places of mass execution
study: good porn still hard to find
report: saying 'smells okay' precedes 85% of foodborne illnesses annually
blog: if a swiffer wetjet would somehow be useful to the resistance, i have seven
quiz: how metal are you?
avoiding popular songs somehow accomplishment for local man
small businessman conducts business on miniature golf course
advisors tell trump, cruz to stick to just attacking all women in general
yeah, area man is drunk... so?
bourbon helps carpet salesman forget about carpeting for awhile
saudi arabian king to populace: 'don't even think about it'
study finds chickens would have no qualms about caging, eating humans
cellmate tired of suge knight's constant stories of '90s rap beefs
jon gruden shares weird childhood story about spying on naked brother
gay kid excited to be made fun of for second thing
germany running out of beer bottles
woman has boy handwriting
compliment of pants sounds suspiciously like intent to steal them
smiley face doodled on check commemorates undeniable chemistry between waiter, ericson family
news: doing its part: this nonprofit is encouraging girls to pursue careers in science by infecting them with a disease with no known cure
i don’t let my kids watch winnie the pooh because i don’t want them idolizing a fat virgin
change in bus seats taken personally
area ladle named secretary of soup
bored predator drone pumps a few rounds into mountain goat
local teen walks in on family masturbating
news: taking a stand: congress has passed a bill making it illegal to sell firearms to the las vegas shooter
hip, laid-back doctor refers to influenza as 'the flu'
$300 tax refund used to justify $700 worth of miscellaneous purchases
jogger thinks he looks great
dead teenager remembered for great hand jobs
commercial blasted for product placement
national weather service: 'don't go surfing unless you can really shred that shit'
parents wish weak-willed daughter would push back against violin lessons just a little
news: fair enough: organic valley just cashed in on 30 years of anti-animal cruelty goodwill by heaving a live calf into a jet engine
disney world forced to euthanize character that attacked visitor
your horoscopes — week of march 7, 2017
arby's now charging $2.99 to let customers go behind counter, grab handfuls of roast beef
it’s time video games stop glorifying violence and go back to glorifying whatever the fuck was going on in ‘burgertime’
nra recommends preventing firearm deaths by securing children in locked safe
open-ended new bill criminalizes whatever black people up to right now
burger king hat put in deep fryer
equestrian instinctively feels deep, meaningless connection with horse
5 people who didn’t become famous until after they died and their corpse was used in a dentyne ice commercial
jay z honored to be nominated in same category as jay z
news: the nobel committee has rescinded kazuo ishiguro’s prize after discovering a college sophomore’s essay about how ‘never let me go’ is an indulgent and clunky social satire
senior-center residents debate new anchorwoman's ethnicity for fifth straight evening
nintendo reveals 'smash bros. ultimate' will allow characters to repeatedly punch self in face to freak out opponent
disappointing prince vaults found to contain 37,000 hours of billy joel covers
physics t.a. not born in u.s.
stresses of white house causing bo to go prematurely gray
new ad preys on people with 'ideas'
‘my work here is done,’ smiles contented bannon before bursting into millions of spores
economists warn new graduates may have to tough it out for 5 to 6 weeks before landing dream job
‘boating world magazine’ giving live updates as its team of reporters reads all of mueller report
dancing 7-year-old looks to expand fan base from parents to parents' friends
series of grave errors results in jeff and kim's 5th anniversary
lincoln memorial empty after former president's statue furloughed
area pie hole shut
weekend encounter with coworker never acknowledged
paul ryan wondering if he should have told romney about this guy he's dating
sports journalist told to write some slop about baseball healing boston
ape footage causes brief three-and-a-half-minute interruption in channel-surfing
37 separate aneurysms on verge of rupturing inside reince priebus'€™ brain
woman transitions from being terrified of getting pregnant to being terrified she can't get pregnant
charmin introduces new disposable toilet paper
news: major scandal: a senate investigation has found that facebook received $90 million from the kremlin to post a picture of tweety bird reciting a ‘10 rules for dating my daughter’ list during the election
none of area man's friends have ever seen him with shirt on
spider eggs hatch in bush's brain
police officer demonstrates proper technique for subduing grand jury
monsanto lab on lockdown after scientists find shattered tomato containment unit
huckabee sanders claims playing cohen tape backward reveals hidden message exonerating trump from all wrongdoing
job candidate awaiting interviewer just smiling, making enthusiastic eye contact with every passerby in lobby
torn apart by grief: this couple was unable to save their marriage after the death of verne troyer
peer group forces man to have opinion on 'weird al'
pregnant woman killed in propecia-handling incident
bumble bee tuna celebrates 10,000th supermarket circular cover
woman attempts to cram few years’ worth of body positivity into 20 minutes before trying on bathing suits
aretha franklin demands f-u-d-g-e
delta blues poised for biggest revival since 1915
sir, i’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand helping me move this couch
clarifying the rumors: marilyn manson has revealed that he actually got all his ribs removed in order to suck someone else’s penis
new television show to examine rarely discussed years between 1980 and 1989
fbi raids michael cohen's office to get closer look at his innovative, thorough legal work
college still looking for absolute saddest place on campus to hold transfer student orientation
movie studio blows whole budget on big-name gaffer
taylor swift now dating watertown boat
police department reduces costs by using same evidence for every investigation
henry viii’s castle for sale
life: 6 classic episodes of ‘game of thrones’ where the characters mention that the baby from ‘dinosaurs’ is in prison where he belongs
condo board member thinks bylaw cover-up might go all the way to deb
scientists finally pronounce human genome
death row inmate saving some of last meal for between execution attempts
u.s. citizens: 'we love when thing taste like other thing'
amount of halloween candy collected down 15 percent
mission accomplished: ‘storage wars’ is ending after they finally found a live moose in one of the storage containers
there’s no use worrying over things the parasitic alien lifeforms living inside us can’t control
spanx introduces new line of smoke bombs for concealing unwanted bumps and bulges
spatial skills abandon area man during search for correct tupperware lid
washing machine loses man’s trust
man's food poisoning could realistically be traced back to any meal from past week
'first date going really well,' thinks man who hasn't stopped talking yet
cannibal corpse blasting from papal apartment window
quiz: how many of these ways have you kissed up to your boss?
hollywood refusing to give public any new movies until it can appreciate ones it already has
report: what you just said reminds man of thing he’d rather talk about
report: states quietly raising speed limits near failing schools
frustrated iranian scientist forced to shut down project he spent 12 goddamn years of his life on
report: shit, last night was trash night
president, cabinet move into new open plan offices
you thought you knew montana
l.a. adds lanes for cyclists to recover from getting hit by cars
local man knows he moved to minneapolis for something, but can't remember what
‘curses!’ shouts fist-shaking meals on wheels ringleader as trump cuts off gravy train
hundreds of miniature sean hannitys burst from roger ailes' corpse
the game is afoot: an infamous gentleman thief just sent dreamworks a calling card announcing his intention to illegally download ‘antz’
life: incredible offer: supercuts will now give you a free haircut if you beg them to
responsible gym member makes sure to wipe down personal trainer after workout
apartment kind where weed just left out on coffee table
no other options: the writers of ‘the simpsons’ have announced that they have exhausted all other character story combinations and must resort to a romantic relationship between homer and bart
blog: i would like to be in another movie where i get to say ‘i have nipples. could you milk me?’ (by robert de niro)
news: this revolutionary new dating app is matching people who want to look at fingers with people who want to touch eyes
jake hyland of kansas city, mo chosen as nation's designated survivor in case rest of country wiped out during presidential address
nancy pelosi slams edited footage with claim that when she's drunk you'll fucking know it
mlb bans cruel practice of castrating mascots
sex shop bathroom key attached to 18-inch double dildo
clinton, hagar meet to discuss federal speed-limit issues
grandfather's place at dinner table marked by pills
how was local man to know carol channing's niece was around?
when this father came out as gay, his teenage son, craig, responded in the most loving way possible. of course craig did. craig is fucking perfect.
media reminds public not to overemphasize super tuesday results or draw any sort of wide-reaching conclusions
shy balloon spends entire party floating in back corner of room by itself
annual 6-sentence conversation with cousin goes smoothly
maze with cheese in center enters human trials following decades of testing on mice
minotaur wondering if there more to life than bashing in heads of those who dare wander into labyrinth
historical archives: humor in shackles
uneventful past finally catches up to boring man
nation could probably draw john boehner from memory at this point
phone-sex ad masturbated to for 0 cents a minute
local tcby has missed past 2 logo changes
‘donald trump is the 45th president of the united states,’ spontaneously reports subconscious during first calm moment of day
most used words in obama’s state of the union address
bench players given some time in first quarter of game against knicks
band dreams of one day becoming popular enough to alienate early fans
shitty human being blames decreased daylight this time
43-year-old figured he would've grown out of waving to self on security cameras by now
i’m single, grieving my husband’s death, and ready to mingle
'loud, desperate need for approval' leads tony nominations
report: nation thinking about big, warm piece of cinnamon coffee cake right now
bob barker era ushered out with touching plinko montage
5 questions: ‘miley cyrus is, and has always been, far too weak on trade with china’: 5 questions with selena gomez
john elway casually mentions to peyton manning how great it was going out on top in ’98
life: unappreciated greatness: an incognito ron jeremy masturbated in grand central station for 2 hours and nobody stopped to watch
the week in pictures – week of march 11, 2019
pope leaves detailed instructions for taking care of holy spirit while he out of town
guantánamo inmates cheer after learning trump saved their home
world's last bob hope fan dies of old age
time-traveling commodities trader visits alternate hog future
'once they put me on cheeses, i will finally be happy,' says costco employee handing out free vienna sausage samples
hiker trapped for days under fallen boulder survives by cutting off own ponytail
your parents are going out of town. host the party of the year!
nesting sea turtle escorted from private beach
heat wave doesn’t bother local contrarian
nation secretly hoping 9/11 becomes a day off soon
real buzz aldrin spends 50th straight year on moon trying to signal earth to warn of imposter
man stays up most of night rocking cat back to sleep
departing bo obama lands k street lobbyist position
‘the voice’ amends rules to allow votes from those who aren’t white landowning males
dolphins fan starting to think brian flores not chief architect of patriots’ success
internet not quite done milking cory monteith's death for all it worth
new 'time' to keep everything from happening at once
new louisiana abortion law requires fetuses be given jazz funeral march through the french quarter
rest of evening spent declaring asshole not going to ruin evening
cardboard snowflake half-heartedly masking-taped to break-room door
how colleges can protect students from assault
spelling bee champion returns to school a hero, he imagines
ad exec doesn't care what proverb actually means
'hot 'n' nasty butt cum chixx' to appear as 'creative concepts' on credit-card bill
bill belichick credits victory to his god
man who couldn’t defeat george w. bush attempting to resolve israel-palestine conflict
major mishap: colorado just tried restoring voting rights to 30,000 felons but accidentally gave jared fogle the right to vote 30,000 times instead
european leaders: ‘we stand together to say loud and clear: we are scared as fuck and don’t know what to do’
paula broadwell crashing on petraeus family's couch until sex scandal blows over
unemployed detroit resident dismayed to learn job opening is with the lions
whoa: this third-grader has a hundred dollars
oscars gift bag includes 3 ipads streaming telecast in attempt to shore up viewership numbers
toys 'r' us sign triggers pavlovian shrieking response in child
ignorant man who has learned nothing from history excited about ‘star wars: jedi fallen order’
debate organizers set aside first 15 minutes for whatever major trump revelation comes out between now and then
viagra giving hope to thousands of struggling stand-up comedians
latest online security breach forces mom to change post-it
nation's conservationists warn there only 8 trillion rats left
'mr. falafel' owner does not actually like being addressed as mr. falafel
area man has sex with man to get out of office blood drive
life: sort of heartwarming: these amazing students raised over $20,000 for their teacher’s penis enlargement surgery
area man marks territory on bench with sweaty thigh outline
man’s body running out of ideas to convince him he full
tabloid reveals pete davidson, kate beckinsale only dating as pr stunt to promote new york rangers
moscow officials deny accusations of money laundering after world cup game played in $1.2 billion vacant gravel lot
taylor swift mourns death of boyfriend christopher dorner
prince harry, meghan markle set up bridal registry at london-area target
most popular young adult fiction books
bar mitzvah marks local boy's passage into materialism
archaeologists uncover last human to die happy
mental illness determined not to let stigma of area man define it
pros and cons of impeaching president trump
defense department layoffs result in increased video rentals
news: more controversy: donald trump reportedly used money from his own charity to buy his voice back from an ancient, blind hag
russian orphans devastated after realizing trump tower meeting not about getting them adopted
the onion looks back at 'home alone'
steve allen: gone, forgotten
area man disappointed in self for already being full
campaign adviser recommends throwing old blanket over romney for debates
trump opens door on air force one again
mr. coffee 12-cup programmable coffeemaker review
uncle put more thought than usual into this year’s gift cards
news: tense standoff: a trembling amazon security guard isn’t sure whether to shoot jeff bezos or the alexa claiming to be jeff bezos
fed up: steve harvey is leaving ‘family feud’ after yet another season went by without somebody noticing that he got all dressed up
a beautiful reunion: this high school football player got the surprise of a lifetime when he removed his helmet to reveal that he was his father who had been fighting in afghanistan for the past 2 years
hacker just going to fix a few annoying typos on company’s website before stealing customer data
news: incredible: when she passed a couple trapped in their flipped car, dakota fanning squatted down and watched them
everyone on campus afraid of that one bar
tea party congressman calls for tax breaks to put out raging wildfire in district
resistance win: this restaurant just refused to serve steve bannon dinner because it closes at 3 p.m.
‘if you cross me i will end you,’ goodell whispers into ear of every draft pick
fda approves new drug for treating pill deficiencies
celebrity disappointed after meeting fan
egypt plunges into state of middle east
magnanimous banker hires occupy wall street protesters
new pixar employees required to watch adorable sexual harassment video
trump: ‘there is hatred on both sides of my heart’
'so fuckin' sorry to hear about this shit,' reads outpouring of sympathetic texts from scaramucci's friends, family
news: we get it, you’re an ally: matt damon went totally overboard at the oscars when he ran on stage holding harvey weinstein’s severed penis to support the #metoo movement
owl can't remember which direction to rotate head back
man who got 6-figure book deal from his tumblr account has the fucking nerve to appear on national television
it kind of pathetic how excited 3-year-old is to see daddy home from work
nature’s perfect design: scientists believe that studying woodpeckers could totally revolutionize the way we bash trees apart with our heads to find bugs
video: thoughtful but unnecessary: panicking woman thinks church bells mean her priest needs salami
fbi panicking after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by trump administration
heartbreaking: dad is excited out of his fucking mind after asking a cab driver in aruba to take us where the locals eat and getting dropped off at what’s basically an olive garden
john kerry throws vine over pit of quicksand to save child companion
news: making amends: jared fogle is atoning for his crimes by mailing letters to children telling them he never wants to see them naked
congress launches national congress-awareness week
nader polling at 8 percent among past supporters
article: add some pink ribbons to turn this massive red crab migration into the world’s largest breast cancer 5k!
officials unveil plan to convert underused senate chamber into storage facility
everyone in town hall debate audience has spouse who lost health insurance and is dying of cancer
guys' weekend getaway begins with daring purchase of new kind of beer
lyndon johnson jr. sworn in as george editor
parents really enjoying cruise
jars we had to ask for help opening in 2014
tract writer cites god, jack chick as influences
trump boys ransack mueller's office to steal answer key to questions for their dad
new study finds employee morale drastically improves after watching coworker throw fit
dirty slush machine provides children in florida taste of winter
panicked john kelly ushers half-naked trump away from podium as president shouts support for eugenics
decision to ask out girl made using 10-sided die
pope francis admits ‘like 97%’ of past church leadership ‘probably burning in hell’
guitar music fad runs course
i only like movies where the whole cast dances in a little box next to the end credits
curly fry inventor strikes out with curly veal
chris columbus admits there are hours of ‘home alone 2’ outtakes featuring trump saying racial slurs
missed call from dad at 9 a.m. strikes terror into area man’s heart
new facebook notifications alert users when they not currently looking at facebook
man with no real-life career goals knows exact job he’d want in harry potter universe
area organization pro-white, ain't anti-nobody
racial profiling epidemic: last night’s celtics-cavs game was briefly interrupted after a white person called the police reporting a large group of black men loitering on the court
rookie forest ranger not getting hopes up about seeing tree on first day
taco bell to offer discreet purchasing charged under 'tbfoodsllc'
sole surviving bridge club member didn't want to win like this
man who likes to be jostled moving to city
local clan attempts to intimidate rivals with aggressive display of fertility
news: science ftw! nasa astronomers said monday’s solar eclipse will be awesome for anyone who loves looking at stupid fucking black circles
the 2 types of motorcycles that there are | clickhole
control freak wishes she had more free time
news: remember that guy from ‘the apprentice’? he got hot and bombed syria
new alternate-history drama examines what would have happened if nazis won 1991 nba finals
kangaroo decides he'll get there faster by just running
pitbull mix only bites off half of toddler's face
coast guard terror suspect released after cell needed for nonviolent drug user
michelle obama admits barack had way too much sperm to make natural conception possible
‘you’ll never take me alive!’ shouts giuliani jumping onto chandelier and immediately falling 3 stories
facebook users morbidly curious what site going to do with their personal data to recoup $5 billion fine
god-knows-what to take place in rural cabin
area woman's safety net braces for another impact
pfizer researchers discover new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for what ails you
area man's biggest accomplishment not ever killing anyone with his car
hideo kojima teases what we assume is new ‘death stranding’ info by walking around e3 dressed as triceratops and waving a ‘big, brassy, and beautiful’ sign
experts report $37 amount of money you need to donate to hurricane relief in order to completely forget about it
victor hugo's les lunchables to hit broadway
rex tillerson blindsided by news he still works for state department
employees from other department announce plan to ramble on about fucking nothing right next to your desk
i just wish nfl players could find a way to protest without starting a national dialogue
proud billionaire helps young son open first offshore bank account
dick clark still sitting there
inside: america rates the skin colors
trump to skip correspondents’ dinner
sen. dick lugar placed on congressional disabled list with strained hamstring
arizona iced tea unveils new 4-foot-tall cans
7 signs your plumber is trying to gradually steal your toilet over the course of many years
new gop plan offers tax breaks on all contributions tucked into congressmen's suit breast pocket
mayonnaise, black forest ham to share top billing in upcoming sandwich
visa fires bob dole
leftover christmas billboard stirs seasonally inappropriate emotion
'boating world magazine' giving live updates as its team of reporters reads all of mueller report
rnc speech: ‘fuck, we’re really just letting this fucking happen?’
americans demand their voices be heard and also some kind of dessert you get after breakfast
backup spatula always ready to go in case the unthinkable happens
inanimate object despised
color drains from michael flynn's face after single red dahlia drops out of envelope from russian intelligence
study links binge eating to stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, relaxation
report: shopoholism may have killed the shoposauruses
annoyed movers weren't expecting client to have belongings
heartwarming! this police officer wasn’t sure how to reach out to the black youth in his community so he put a pumpkin in front of the park where they hang out sometimes
god admits there was probably a better way of giving humans taste of heavenly bliss than opioids
self-conscious puppet has no idea what to do with hands
world shocked by possible link between olympics, big money
pentagon holds gala to celebrate 25 years of bombing iraq
that's not funny; my brother died that way
benny the bull busted for possession of unlicensed t-shirt gun
local authorities more than happy to let fbi take over
prison warden vows to take away el chapo's tunnel privileges if captured
area man not exactly sure why doctor needed him undressed for that
defiant sarah huckabee sanders claims she doesn't know where voice comes from when she opens mouth
lawyers identify dozens more bill cosby victims while interviewing potential jurors
man who spent last 2 years drawing pictures of trump and putin making out beginning to realize just how wrong he's been
financial experts recommend young grifters start laying groundwork for long con by 25
plan b releases new heart-shaped tablets for valentine's day
brute of my loins
area man never leaves house without putting on lucky everything
libertarian candidate worried after latest poll shows him 98 points behind
smoove b - america's finest news source | the onion [long-running, classic onion column that deserves a gander]
'i think we still have a shot,' carly fiorina assures closest inkjet printer
sam darnold’s mono diagnosis forces jets to crack down on kissing in huddle
couple dressed as mario and luigi drunkenly making out on couch
300,000 pounds of rat meat sold as chicken wings across america
bitter feud developing between joakim noah, rest of humanity
rapist gets new start at technical college
siblings gather around powerpoint to hash out off-limits topics for thanksgiving
more americans falling for 'get rich slowly over a lifetime of hard work' schemes
biden kicked out of laundromat after shag rug floods washing machine
'entertainment weekly' critic lets director redo 'sorority row' for better grade
dad recommends hotel 10 miles away from city you're visiting
vladimir putin begins second term as whatever he is
teen scores awesome oral cancer poster
astronomers discover new planet that really makes earth look like shit
must see: incredible! lactaid has released a new after-dinner gun that lactose-intolerant people can shoot themselves with if they ingest dairy
$14.5 billion pledged to rebuild battleground states
video: heartbreaking: child reserves 40 seats for her dad at her recital and only 7 of him show up
study: not being an asshole boss may boost employee morale
fucking loser at movie all by himself
news: for the best: to discourage fans from sexualizing the ‘stranger things’ kids, james corden will no longer have them play ‘shirtless baby oil twister by candle light’ on his show
all-dad blues band a critical disappointment
treasury department issues emergency recall of all us dollars
man with no plans just too exhausted to go out
magazine editor undergoes sleek new redesign
troubling report finds dreamily sliding down back of door after kissing date on porch plummets 78%
man always attempts to intercept tossed things
retarded child gets new video game right before every dinner party
michael cohen insists he was just in wrong place at wrong time for last 20 years
climate change denier battens down worldview to weather hurricane irma
they said what?!: find out what gaby hoffmann, nicole richie, and jon favreau have to say
woman who left room crying earlier expects to jump back into party just like that
71 percent of americans approve of clinton's approval rating
gasoline still inexplicably cheaper than milk
man would rather annoy small group of friends than bunch of strangers at party
9 amazing discoveries at the bottom of the ocean i would like back now, please
the only 31 things standing between you and your dreams
news: the gates of gillette stadium were suddenly sealed as roger goodell announced over the jumbotron that football is no more and now america will play a new game
clippers retire donald sterling jersey
area mom: 'i finally learned computers'
life: finally bought a jackhammer? don’t make these 6 rookie mistakes
'the case, mr. kerry, give me the case,' demands malaysian ambassador holding dangling john kerry from petronas towers skybridge
struggling lower-class still unsure how best to fuck selves with vote
ben affleck: i was ‘embarrassed’ by slave-owner ancestor | “eh, we all have at least one life-destroying shithead who helped set the country back decades in the family.”
relieved scott walker narrowly avoids acknowledging immigrants' humanity during campaign speech
lottery loser angry at lottery winner
relaxing tea better fucking work
tom snyder returns to the sea
13.5 million americans tune in to watch animal planet's 'puppy parley' during dnc debate halftime show
report: gap wider than ever between ultra-rich and reality
majority of office's supplies used to apply for different job
moronic mailroom worker worked way down from ceo
pro-sanders phillie phanatic places masking tape reading 'silenced' over honker
experts praise upcoming 'sonic' movie for accurate depiction of hedgehogs
no one in ballet audience realizes how bad dancers smell
nerd has most obscure crush ever
grandmother really starting to get the hang of dying
therapist who spent decade working with sex-trafficking survivors urges client to go on about how boss is sometimes too curt
u.s. negotiating mubarak's severance package
societal collapse narrowly averted after man honks horn at car paused at green light
justice scalia dead following 30-year battle with social progress
shy ex-citigroup executive struggling to fit in with popular clique of ex–goldman sachs executives at white house
poke with stick confirms raccoon's death
elton john wows mother theresa funeral crowd with 'the bitch is back"
extraordinary discovery: medical researchers at harvard have determined that tweety bird and betty boop have the exact same skeleton, just different skin
daddy, i don’t want to live in the world your website has created
russian agent disgusted with things he forced to do to pass self off as reddit commenter
empty yogurt cup completes tableau of used food containers on single man's windowsill
bill & melinda gates foundation announces new $17 billion initiative to eradicate all 3rd-world mac users by 2040
blog: pokémon go is completely changing the reasons why i go to the river at night
north carolina voter in heavily gerrymandered district somehow voting for montana senate, mayor of phoenix
youtuber wastes 2 whole minutes explaining how to prep a deck for sealant as if viewer total moron
life: 6 unlikely animal friendships that are never gonna fucking happen, no matter how much you want them to
revlon releases new functionless translucent gel for women who don't need makeup
christian theme park features world's largest spanking machine
cover author working on word-for-word remake of 'moby-dick'
lesbian couple enjoys hot lesbian action
alarming u.n. report finds world lost 40 million acres of personal space last year
library to display same tattered richard wright poster in honor of black history month
john kelly struggles to maintain believable trump impression during phone calls with parkland survivors
local los angeles awards show slated to open for grammys
go green! this vegan substitute for human meat has all the great taste without the carbon footprint
bannon’s cyst finally ruptures
life: end of an era: the high school friend who texts everyone when someone from their class dies has died
amazing sacrifice: a trembling dr. oz allowed the audience to consume him after realizing that his body is the ultimate superfood
‘all the paper sales on the office were real and i’d be homeless without the commissions i got from those’: 5 questions with john krasinski
pope benedict leaves church in helicopter with lebron james, paul feig for some reason
new sat section tests ability to pay tuition
worst person woman knows pregnant
report: folks, bette midler is back on broadway and not a minute too soon
matt damon begrudgingly accepts $50 in ebay auction for ‘the martian’ cast and crew jacket
missing girl elected to aruban parliament
co-op casino robbed again
résumé font offends employer
chris penn's body double really letting self go
nation ashamed to admit they would probably look up john goodman’s nudes if they leaked
'someone in this room tonight will be murdered by an illegal immigrant,' announces trump just before lights go out
theresa may: trump told me to sue the eu
viewer prepared to believe whatever documentary tells him about coral reefs
mom calmly emptying dishwasher as if shrieking argument didn't happen 10 minutes ago
fenta-nil
8 things only computer programmers will understand
crowd of voters cheers patronizing rhetoric
director has clear vision of how studio will destroy movie
study finds not acting like total fucking moron most attractive quality in potential mate
8.106
archaeologists unearth ancient clay pot shards from dwelling of earliest known klutz
nation’s baby boomers hold press conference to announce they all have diseases now
man has been meaning to catch up on whole of human artistic endeavor
5 times on ‘sesame street’ where big bird incorrectly explained to a kid that each of the pink rings around his legs represents 100 years that he’s been alive
priest religious, but not really spiritual
news: we, the employees of clickhole.com, have voted unanimously to debase ourselves in the most humiliating ways possible to please the billionaires who could destroy our website on a whim
woman buys lingerie to spice up bottom of underwear drawer
sex with sexxxy girls? yes!? - here g_y36s_er9y__d
new snack chip evades digestive system, burrows straight into heart
man struggling to pierce orange peel with fingernail under impression he could kill if he had to
thirtysomething scientists unveil doomsday clock of hair loss
smiling now primarily used to communicate anger
life: 6 surprising side effects of marijuana legalization
middle manager announces plans to skedaddle
6-year-old hoping it's not too late to shift career path from astronaut to firefighter
royal baby spits up on great-grandmother
total weirdo leading bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others
filmmakers call vincent canby's life overlong, poorly paced
media organizations make pilgrimage to facebook headquarters to lay content at foot of mark zuckerberg
dvd contains 87 minutes of previously unseen movie
brunch livened up by jazz trio's violent breakup
kiss cover band guitarist leaves to start vinnie vincent invasion tribute band
mom could have used few more days to self before missing daughter returned
family upgrades to shells & cheese
conductor fatigue blamed in massive model train crash
keith richards' housekeeper has braced herself for finding dead body every morning since 1976
science confirms men and women never meant to be more than friends
the elderly: do they suspect?
gynecologists recommend taking time off between iuds to allow body to expel backlogged periods
brad pitt bored with sight of jennifer aniston's naked body
nation delighted as many famous people in same room together
tim cook torn limb from limb by mob of moms demanding to know whether itunes gift cards still active
4-year-old reportedly loved trip to italy
‘you are not your job,’ obama reminds himself throughout shower
unhinged lunatic using facebook to spread conspiracy theories
department-store santa told to push chinaware
house chaplain delivers soulful prayer for god to save weak-ass, flip-flopping speakers who wound up looking like dipshits in front of everyone
carly fiorina shares heartbreaking story about father of 3 who couldn't meet sales goals
yellowstone places old faithful on 6-month loan to acadia national park
e.t. toys forced on uninterested children
dolby theatre usher throws out matt damon for attempting to film oscars with camcorder
child protective services take 80 million children into custody after discovering no one in country fit to be parent
parents formally announce transfer of expectations to second child
nation’s women clarify they harbor no secret desire to see colleagues’, acquaintances’, strangers’ genitals
hotshot peasant has window
obama already knows who he’s going to tear apart in memoir
new macrowave can defrost a roast in 72 hours
market in chaos: the sudden addition of 3 pristine copies of ‘shallow hal’ to this thrift store has tanked the value of the store’s other 2 copies of ‘shallow hal’
a kingpin falls: the leader of ms-13 was apprehended after filling up a free water cup with dr. pepper at a soda dispenser
dog a pervert in ways owner will never know
hundreds of cheap, generic doorstops flood market after doorblocker patent runs out
oscars audience shrugging uproariously during jimmy kimmel's opening monologue
embarrassed library of congress can't believe some of the albums it used to be into
biden making plans to go completely legit after vice presidency
news: sensitivity win! jif is rolling out empty jars of peanut butter for children who are allergic but still want the jars
nra says parkland students should be grateful for guns giving them such a memorable bonding experience
george w. bush debuts new paintings of dogs, friends, ghost of iraqi child that follows him
toenails regenerating
man who just beat computer solitaire never asked for overwhelming sensory assault of victory animation
flying safety ftw! american airlines will be placing a weapon under the seat of each passenger to be used in the event of an all-out battle royale
changing digital economy: the fdny has laid off 80 percent of its firefighters because it isn’t getting enough traffic on fdny.org
man who couldn't defeat george w. bush attempting to resolve israel-palestine conflict
longtime residents worry roommate with well-paid job slowly gentrifying apartment
woodstock '99 revenue projections displayed on multi-colored, laminated boards somewhere in l.a.
r.i.p.
crime scene forensic investigator reminds officers to stop shooting at dead body under sheet
search for public restroom an epic ordeal of alienation, humiliation, human cruelty
news: olympics disaster: women’s figure skating had to share the olympic rink after being double-booked with a 7-year-old’s birthday party
tv show under fire for depicting murder
burmese python shocked at amount of stress man holding in his neck
former big celebrity finds new career as pathetic former celebrity
please, no one come trick-or-treating to my house this year, for i will be masturbating to pornography
cackling warren buffett burns entire fortune in front of nation
abandoned mall retains eerie vestiges of fun shopping atmosphere
police outside convention hoping for opportunity to take swing at george washington impersonator
transparency ftw! facebook will now send you open and honest updates about how powerless you are
news: inclusivity win? this craft supply company will begin making asian googly eyes
study: boyfriends who aren't speaking are thinking about ending relationship 90% of time
idea of doing nothing until next mass shooting quickly gaining traction in congress
woman seamlessly transitions from being too hungry to focus on job to being too full to focus on job
paramedics didn't realize how hard it would be to cut drunk woman out of elmo costume
panicked newborn didn't realize breathing would be on apgar test
‘this here is probably our bestselling love seat,’ says man who would have been powerful, revered warrior 4,000 years ago
iraqi homeowner to wait a while before re-shingling roof
floppy-armed robot repeatedly warns: 'danger'
life: the ultimate vacation: carnival cruises is now offering a celebrity-sighting cruise where it crashes a boat into george clooney’s house
trump condemns white house staffers' use of secret recording studio
area man too busy for his buddy phil, eh?
breaking: drunk teen going 100 mph down slick highway is invincible
scientists make unclear breakthrough after giving robot cancer
sun thought pasty fuck learned his lesson last summer
what coca-cola does to the body
report: 80% of queen’s ‘greatest hits’ cds lodged in center console of first car
afghan warlord takes anderson cooper as 43rd wife
jonah lehrer working on book about neuroscience behind why we falsify quotes
u.s. military defends controversial decision to test kilauea volcano on hawaiian civilians
lady gaga quashes rumors that she ever thought bradley cooper talented in any way
this week in history: sears tower constructed with bold challenge to god engraved on roof
quiz: are you man enough to ride along with me in my slow purple corvette?
man on horse hates city
nostalgic man can still remember time when billboard advertised 'red 2'
i’d like to see the government try and take away my trash
nation excited for some insane k-pop shit during opening ceremony
helpful man saves woman effort of telling idea to boss herself
area man determined to get money's worth from pay toilet
fuck everything, nation reports
relapse greatest week of man’s life
life: this car crash survivor called completing physical therapy her mount everest as if she has any fucking idea what’s that’s like
obama compiles shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace scalia.
4 recipes we can’t make now because the harvest this year was absolutely terrible
hurricane ashley expected to strike several bars this cinco de mayo
toby keith struggling to come up with rhyme for ahmadinejad
bin laden sends belated threat to israel for 60th birthday
mom keeping tabs on coyote situation
oakland teacher mistakenly teaches 'economics'
god starting to worry heaven may be haunted
eleven-year-old used as human shield in dodgeball game
5 things to know about ‘our planet’
should the government stop dumping money into a giant hole?
apple becomes first american company that should have paid trillion dollars in taxes
eager understudy beginning to think john lithgow impervious to disease
night out consecrated with opening exchange of high-fives
jeff bezos’ heart breaks a little reading albany’s amazon headquarters pitch
area man hurt
radicals, extremists vie for control of iran
secretary of education reveals she's forced to use own salary on yacht supplies
gap closures to leave americans with fewer places to buy pants for friend's wedding at last second
dog feels like he always has to be 'on' around family
grieving couple finds different ways to use stroller
ducks go quack, chickens say cluck - onion talks
nation savoring every moment of glorious late-february, early-march days
[meta] not a dating website! hey! ebi gusey! nfy3hc
should the u.s. deploy troops to scotland?
completely uninhibited party guest still choosing to talk about work
news: latest attack: russian hackers have gained full control of the lincoln memorial’s legs
girl has just enough physical flaws to maybe take man seriously
man wouldn’t be eating at red robin if he knew bus was going to hit him in 18 minutes
hillary clinton sets personal single rep squat record while watching bernie sanders on gym tv
sixth grader begins work on pony trilogy
pickup football pioneer credited with idea for ‘5 mississippi’ blitz count dead at 94
'aryan notions' opens sixth berlin location
kc masterpiece ceo warns against society’s increasing reliance on a1
bleary-eyed, stuporous houseguest assures host that he slept great
waitress treated extra courteously to compensate for assholes at adjacent table
report: overseas sweatshops hurting u.s. sweatshops
obama deeply concerned after syrians gassed to death on white house lawn
gunman kills zero at kansas city area mall
rhode island votes to move 2008 primary to tomorrow
u.s. continues proud tradition of  diversity on front lines
report: espn coverage displays clear bias toward shitty reporting
monster undeterred by night-light
worker who forgot email attachment expects coworkers to forgive her just like that
kinky recessive gene loves being dominated
study finds majority of accidental heroin overdoses could be prevented with less heroin
area dad figures he's got at least three more months of screwing around before son gains ability to form long-term memories
list of things man wants to do before he dies just list of tv shows
fucking loser at movie all by himself | the onion - america's finest news source
trendy restaurant has communal napkin
parallel world leaders meet in washington for interdimensional summit
'greatest story ever told' has gimmicky deus ex machina ending
heartbreaking: the thing you want is all the way over there
new one-a-month vitamin presents choking hazard
chuck grassley scratches 'christine blasey's a slut' into senate bathroom stall
mom just wants to watch something nice
congressional aides withholding sex until budget compromise is reached
u-haul offers discount for customers who will just move back home in 18 months after failure to make it in major city
mom breaks into son's apartment at night to administer 2013 flu vaccine
woman toys with idea of getting sister something nice they can do together as gift before settling on candle
david lynch to release hybrid memoir–biography next week
desperate hillary to obama: 'next vote wins'
doug baldwin sick of being disrespected by statistics
lawyers confirm trump willing to answer all of sean hannity's questions about russia collusion
stephen miller desperately searching for next fix after high of detained children starts wearing off
that's fine, area girlfriend to see 'anna karenina' when visiting mom over christmas
astronomers discover planet identical to earth with orbital space mirror
savion glover taps his way out of another speeding ticket
local man puts rehab behind him
moon now overrun with cane toads after species accidentally introduced into environment during apollo 17 mission
priebus grateful he had so little dignity to begin with
nation’s schools to ensure bullied transgender students hide in stalls of bathrooms corresponding to biological sex
report: papa will be so very cross you've lost grandfather's hunting cap
single woman with 3 young children unaware she subject of 984 judgments today
couple always like this
robert mueller driving suv 100 mph down runway as air force one narrowly lifts off
low-budget film panders just as shamelessly as big studio feature
cozy little out-of-the-way place opens 12th location
alan rickman ends pizza delivery order with ominous 'so be it'
[clickhole] 9 tips for the perfect midnight kiss on new year’s eve
jerry falwell jr. tells story of jesus getting revenge on apostle who ratted out his corruption schemes
'just illegalize us already,' nation's assault weapons beg
crazed, froth-mouthed mother demands grandchildren now
can't go wrong with a cheeseburger, area man reports
god planning to get rid of harsh shadows by adding second sun
‘what about you, are you on my team?’ trump asks george washington portrait
slamming boss against wall, shouting ‘cash! i need more cash!’ still leading tactic for securing raise
treasure hunters discover wreck of 18th-century carnival cruise ship
weird things all guys do when women aren’t around | clickhole
next-level gaming: the new ‘call of duty’ will penalize players for shooting nazis who are actually very fine people
newest baywatch  cast member kicks it  with byron allen
these are roaches, not beetles. damn you, clickhole!!!!
spokeswoman gives birth to spokeschild
blog: enough time has passed to reveal george w. bush was the ‘american idiot’ (by billie joe armstrong)
couple discovers shop that sells cakes
television executive's baby cancelled in development stage
trump lawyers anxious 4,731st shoe will drop
police found golden state killer by tracing owner of 'iamthegoldenstatekiller.com' website
blog: without abstinence-only sex ed, how will the young ones know where their genitals mustn’t go?
man grateful to live in society where mattress disappears if left on sidewalk for a couple days
aaron eckhart likes to make one frankenstein movie for them, one frankenstein movie for himself
pierced tongue fails to make local woman less boring
new york approves $13 billion plan to rid jfk airport of former president's ghost
new hampshire passes law forcing old people to watch gays marry
emma stone said what?!
antifa organizers announce plans to disrupt neo-nazi rally or whatever else going on that day
rookie cop laying on the jargon a little thick
that one chinese place closes
can the browns still rely on josh gordon for quality weed?
ice agent terrified after becoming separated from team during immigrant raid
weird kid opts to sit perfectly still, let universe decide his fate after teacher instructs class to pair up
'you're right' host sebastian moore bravely steps outside his liberal bubble by joining the kkk
game’s 5,000 hours of written dialogue spread over 200 side quests and 6 branching endings derided as rushed, repetitive
most disgusting towel spends final days relegated to role as bath mat
bitcoin plunge reveals possible vulnerabilities in crazy imaginary internet money
man finds self back at porn store again
census bureau releases annual report on neighborhood vibes
details of donald trump’s immigration plan
tim burton worried he going through a bit of a 14-movie slump
texan feels emotionally empty after chili cook-off
new romney ad claims candidate does not oppose women in cases of rape, incest
trailblazing colleague makes historic contact with people who work on other floor
trump unfairly claims credit for rise in economic inequality that occurred under obama's watch
delayed rocket launch causes astronaut to miss connecting flight
'luck' producers still killing a lot of horses
video: it takes a village: watch 15 men teach a little boy how to tie his shoe
friend attempting to provide comfort has no clue what the fuck she's talking about
beautiful cinnamon roll too good for this world, too pure
devastating: a tearful, exhausted group of pixar executives have announced that they have no idea what kinds of antics would happen if furniture could talk
life: terrifying: ibm’s artificial intelligence has successfully convinced an online quiz that it is a total samantha
blog: thanksgiving in my family is always tense because i read news outlets owned by liberal billionaires and my uncle reads news outlets owned by conservative billionaires
new 'star wars' film once again disappoints die-hard nien nunb fans
its so booring to be alone every night.. let's play with me here* bfnthybl6a
area woman fulfills dream of becoming writer by getting job at bookstore
get ready, folks, 'cause this is the greatest late-to-work excuse you've ever heard
older brother to attempt unmanned bike mission into ravine
mohawked, aviator-wearing robert de niro idles cab outside suspected bomb-maker's home
quiz: can your exhaustive knowledge of fallopian tubes convincingly cover your ignorance of the rest of the human body?
boss thinks female employee might be ready to handle job she's been doing for past 2 years
local man casually mentions upcoming birthday
area horse hung like horse
'as you can see, they are quite harmless,' says uber representative guiding detective through warehouse of sleeping autonomous cars
incredible: bethesda revealed that ‘fallout 76’ will show what earth would be like if the arizona diamondbacks hadn’t won the 2001 world series
onion film standards will always remain the best thing the onion produces
horrified subway execs assumed people were buying footlongs to share with a friend
pbs to air more of that yanni shit
alexander ovechkin thrilled to learn he won stanley cup last year
man commits to new tv show just hours after getting out of 7-season series
depressed wolf blitzer locks self in situation room
man at bar clinging to muted 'king of queens' episode like life preserver
ben affleck nominated for best friend of matt damon
news: lending a hand: jennifer aniston smashed her car into this small-town diner to help it attract more customers
best buy employee going to tell you what he has at home
america's love affair with jim breuer to start any day now
my rental car thinks the onion is these two asian dudes
michelle obama can still hear their little labored breaths when she closes her eyes
job placement service helps students who fail out of dad’s alma mater find work at dad’s company
ryan seacrest catches up with 'captain phillips' star maersk alabama on red carpet
area woman not yelling at you, she's just saying
winchester unveils new 9mm stray bullet guaranteed to hit innocent bystanders
take a dive: if you throw this ‘rocket power’ quiz, we both stand to make a lot of money
college newspaper staff know exactly how they would respond if editorial freedom challenged
new report shows many u.s. businesses actually just fronts for moneymaking operations
news: best toy ever! mattel has released a barbie malibu safe house where barbie can hide from the yakuza
kavanaugh blasted for destroying reputation of good man
red lobster criticized for decimating biscuit populations along cheddar bay
meghan mccain forced to live out socialist nightmare of empathy for sick person
kavanaugh: ‘i am not denying that ford was sexually assaulted in some alternate dimension, plane of existence’
trump mortified after world series crowd starts booing, chanting ‘lock him up’ at melania
report: distracted driving results in more than 5,000 unfinished texts each year
pentagon to withhold budget figures out of respect for american families
u.s. high school gets raw end of student exchange
town proud of water tower
biden puts on lucky debate suit
study finds chimpanzees only other animal capable of keeping lid on friend's affair
enraged man unable to break tv
exercising woman really starting to feel the burn of lifelong injury developing
opening band upstaged by pre-show music
journalist wondering where to mention getting yelled at by u.s. president in article
entire ruby tuesday waitstaff just trying to ignore table holding fantasy football draft
incredible breakthrough: mit scientists have successfully swapped the brain of a man with an almond
why i’m so excited about ‘gears 5’: i have a severe glandular disorder that makes it impossible for me not to feel this way
cheney to speak at republican convention from section 109, row 56, seat 3
generic candy corn will give you aids
news: hypocritical on spending? it costs $18 million a month for the secret service to protect donald trump from accidentally killing himself in the bathroom
polite high school football team runs around banner that took hours to make
ohio state begins scouting for next scandal
guy who just wiped out immediately claims he's fine
news report on wartime atrocity even more powerful for its brevity
parents at graduation celebrate child's last accomplishment
nation admits they only care about freedom of speech for imparting information about 'star wars' shit
hillary asks bill if he still finds her electable
police officer wouldn't have killed black man if he knew everyone would make such a big fuss about it
lovebird windshield wipers gleefully chasing each other through rain
i enjoyed the service and found my perfect partner. thank you d2b8gkv
bhutanese man can't believe pharmacy already stocking stuff for lhabab duchen
button-up shirt goes on life-changing odyssey around dry cleaner’s garment conveyor
small-town sheriff has actually killed surprising amount of people
area man thankful to be single during golden age of television
life: 7 arguments every couple has
netflix to temporarily remove every movie except ‘hard eight’
new rules in the nfl’s updated personal conduct policy
endangered species list edited to fit poster
mccain tucks extra neck skin into collar
endangered wildlife to be given new identities in species protection program
dental hygienist angered by lack of flossing
foul play suspected in destruction of world's second-largest ball of twine
is it time for the ncaa to start paying the coaches?
captain asks stranger to keep eye on destroyer while he runs to bathroom
nation suddenly realizes it never had to worry about john mccain dying over past 8 years if he’d become president
breaking: can anyone ever truly know anything? what is the truth?
report: texting while driving okay if you look up every couple seconds
one of those fucking people wins new hampshire primary
nation recalls simpler time when health care system was broken beyond repair
woman assures friend she has blackouts from drinking all the time
video: devastating: woman eats sandwich out of bowl
must see: celebrating a trailblazer: delta just announced that its ceo has disappeared in honor of amelia earhart
netflix defends 'queer eye' episode where the fab five forced to euthanize completely hopeless slob
anti-chewing-tobacco activists speak out against secondhand spit
tucker carlson challenges alexandria ocasio-cortez to a date
trump redirected nearly $10 million in fema funds toward ice
woman pieces together timeline of boyfriend's past relationships like detective tracking zodiac killer
clinton campaign asks cnn to stock dressing room with 4 pounds of flavorless protein paste
teen crafting marketable persona in garage hoping to one day win grammy
[meta] not a dating website! hey! ebi gusey! en1gx
proposed immigration law calls for u.s. to shut down border slide
mediocre painter's true talent lies in acting like a painter
congress confused by $500 million in trump’s budget allocated for ‘laser stuff’
prince harry: 'i killed taliban-looking people'
7 photos from isis we still owe them royalty payments for
nation breathes sigh of continuing unease
u.s. leads world in mexican-food availability
confused biden tells rambling anecdote about working-class single hammer
donald trump rift not what paul ryan needed in middle of 14-day cleanse
cheap airfare sole reason for trip to italy
tanned, exquisitely coiffed bernie sanders tells supporters corporations actually have a lot to offer
life: disaster averted: 4 times jimmy carter almost died from contracting salmonella by eating egg salad that came in the mail
super fan attends screening of ‘infinity war’ dressed as marvel’s vp of marketing
depressed lebron james realizes that at his age copernicus was developing theory of heliocentrism
perfect day in: try guinea pig then act surprised like you never ate your son’s pet guinea pig before, and 4 other plans for a perfect day in lima
man arriving late forced to use excuse he was saving for leaving early
statue of liberty corporation to shut down all but new york flagship statue
exasperated james holmes requests media stop calling him 'alleged' colorado shooter
monocle-wearing oil baron's cigarette holder splinters in clenched teeth after hearing bernie sanders' environmental platform
everyone in motorcycle gang jewish
‘breitbart’ refusing to release names of mass shooting victims in order to prevent them from getting attention
humiliated man discovers embroidery on his jean pockets
woman profoundly moved by lyrics artist put zero time or effort into
dick vitale undergoes annual bracketological examination
lesbian hen enjoying hen house
'parent trap’ producers recall euthanizing lindsay lohan clone after completing filming
dad reaches age where it's no longer enjoyable to make fun of how old he is
not-so-great news for the future of television: the scene in ‘chernobyl’ where they shoot all the dogs has the highest tv ratings ever
eminem terrified as daughter begins dating man raised on his music
inept coworker increasingly difficult to fantasize about
guy in audience shouts out perfect thing
after much thought, ogn has decided to update our review of ‘banjo-kazooie’ from a 9.7 to a 9.6
disturbance of arafat's grave casts horrible curse on middle east
superstitious man puts bag of trash outside house every thursday
must see: so brave! this woman cut off all her hair to raise awareness of the fact that she can pull off any look
nation elects first black-hearted president
obama: no option off the table except snatching iran's leaders with hook lowered from plane and flying them to washington
news: the perils of ai: ibm’s watson has traded sensitive customer data to top hackers in exchange for wheels
orphanage director pushing asian orphans
inconsiderate passenger takes up entire overhead bin
snowy conditions proving hazardous for nation's idiots
thom yorke admits vast majority of musical output fueled by constant fear of being one-upped by coldplay
dow drops 600 points over picture of worried stock broker staring at computer screen
'one day this will all be yours,' says buzz aldrin while showing great-grandson around moon
god furious at every human who isn’t actively trying to get as fat as possible off bounty he provided
neighbor oblivious to fact she being groomed for cat-sitting
unearthed cave painting of wooly mammoth, saber-tooth tiger reveals humans have debated what things would win in a fight since 30,000 b.c.
radio talk-show caller to make point
jay-z gives shout-out to his shareholdaz
aol acquires time-warner in largest-ever expenditure of pretend internet money
pristine shipment of fish product contaminated by filthy u.s. inspectors
al gore excited, proud to be at local event
bored 4-year-old mixes things up by watching movie she's only seen 97 times
trump administration sends 30 million nothing to puerto rico victims
roy moore on pedophilia accusers: 'these women are only discrediting me now because shifting sociocultural norms have created an environment in which assault allegations are taken seriously'
study: uttering phrase, 'marriage is hard work,' number one predictor of divorce
nation relieved insufferable little ‘game of thrones’ fans don’t have book to lord over them this season
going to tops of things still favored by nation's tourists
child at baseball game lost in forest of cargo shorts, milky-white calves
neat! this new app shows you what you would look like if you had just taken care of yourself the tiniest bit better
company to get head start on christmas layoffs this year
study finds humans only animals capable of recognizing former selves in mirror
in major gaffe, obama forgets to dumb it down
national security commission warns clinton: 'the call is coming from inside the house'
negative review of 'a wrinkle in time' peppered with critic assuring readers he still totally supports diversity
eighth-grader drinks at twelfth-grade level
mccain late to debate due to greyhound delays
nelson mandela becomes first politician to be missed
informal tone of cover letter sets job applicant apart from seriously considered candidates
peter strzok summoned before congress again for texts calling trey gowdy ‘a pissy little shithead’
new study finds americans scoot over at least 10 miles per year
pelosi concerned outspoken progressive flank of party could harm democrats’ reputation as ineffectual cowards
colin kaepernick is free to sit during the national anthem, but when i play my maddening fiddle he will dance until he dies
party guest hoping birthday card with shirtless hunk taken in playful spirit with which it was intended
deleting facebook has allowed me to get back to stoking racial prejudice with my friends and family in person
new evidence reveals pythagoras wrote dozens of unhinged conspiracy theorems about triangles
bush seeking non-masturbating surgeon general
local brother-in-law heard you can make shitload of money doing that
chuck berry remembers call from cousin about white kid playing 'johnny b. goode'
pence tells emotional story of longtime friend who was aborted after second trimester
man tentatively takes shot at bad-mouthing girlfriend's family for first time
jim harbaugh disappointed to learn electroshock therapy session already over
still resonates with latest beheading vids
new study finds most of earth's oxygen used for complaining
'it's step, twist, step, dammit!' yells leotard-wearing, cigarette-smoking john kelly while choreographing upcoming military parade
stouffer's discontinues toaster steaks
brief moment of lucidity called panic attack
life: 5 of my father’s funerals where he turned out to be alive and in attendance, and 2 funerals where he was actually dead
jerry lewis undergoes emergency gefloigel surgery
empty inner tube ominously exits mouth of lazy river
lapd going about day in uncomfortable silence
van morrison removed from rock and roll hall of fame following allegations he bet on album sales
cereal commercial completely neglects showing numerous life problems character faces beyond breakfast
alan alda realizes it's less important than what's going on, but wonders if people know he's getting sag life achievement award
sperm bank manager takes wealthy couple to secret back freezer where the real good stuff is stored
everyone on flight annoyed by screaming kid rock
publicist confirms komodo dragon from ‘skyfall’ pregnant
flu can't wait to get the fuck out of area man's body
gays now force god to unleash rare thundersnow blizzard upon america
life: 7 pictures of the liberty bell that will hopefully help you feel inspired about america in some broad sense
report: only 893,000 news stories to go until 2016 election over
family dog ignored for 11th straight year
9 senior white house staffers injured in collapse of overcrowded truman balcony
vacationing detective just going to pretend like he didn't even see dead body in the woods
report: trying to hug oncoming train still leading cause of death for nation's idiots
masterpiece cakeshop case declared mistrial after clarence thomas tampers with evidence
cbs reveals ‘big bang theory’ season 12 will explore why sheldon keeps job after sexually harassing 6 research assistants
evil hong kong kung-fu legions petition for right to attack two at a time
dying woman sorry she won’t get to see 37-year-old son grow up
jesus christ: this 8-year-old who is an uncle must have had some wild shit go down in his family
paul ryan: ‘the comments donald trump will make over the next few months are regrettable’
10-year-old yelling at mom to watch cannonball while she’s trying to scope out younger men at pool
report: most for-profit colleges started in effort to pay off own student debt
salt lake city hoping to boost tourism by reminding visitors they’re free to leave at any time
fountain simulates vomiting lion
michelle obama finally gets around to reading 'dreams from my father'
historical archives: to be sold - two chamber pot house
sometimes it feels like i'm in prison too, but then i go home
upcoming ‘game of thrones’ battle reportedly took 55 days to shoot
deeply indebted abraham lincoln nonprofit may sell president’s stovepipe hat
navy forms elite new seal team to write best-selling tell-all books
expectant mother ashamed to realize she's looking forward to new wheat thins flavor more than birth of own child
keith richards found not dead in san francisco hotel
employee leaving company unsure how to break it to coworkers who don’t really care whether he lives or dies
white house reporters warn huckabee sanders she harming america and it’s selling like fucking hotcakes
trump spends 10 minutes mistakenly addressing steve bannon's freshly shed exoskeleton
head on pike really pulling together castle’s look
new hampshire covered in shadow as floating clinton campaign headquarters takes up position over state
health experts urge parents to dramatically reduce childrens’ on-screen time
oliver stone thriller 'individual 1' already written, filmed, nominated for 5 golden globes
wedding dj assures anxious man he hasn’t forgotten ‘build me up buttercup’ request
bush asks advice for this friend of his who invaded iraq
tv viewers outraged at timing of commercial break
olympic figure skating inspires thousands of little girls to drop couple hundred on skates they'll use once
man figured drug addiction would take up a lot more free time
3m introduces new line of protective foam eye plugs
intelligence setback: the cia is in crisis mode after isis made its instagram private
jon gruden rips up list of top prospects and drafts from the heart
tips for playing ‘borderlands 3’
report: there just something dark and intriguing about man with serious personality disorder
report: trying to hug oncoming train still leading cause of death for nation’s idiots
jim davis, guy who does 'heathcliff' get together for annual lunch to discuss doing cat cartoons
report: mom would rather sit here and watch you guys have fun
man arriving early to party to walk up and down street for 10 minutes
epa chief pruitt welcomes delegation of pollution from china
curiosity rover to explore massive martian synagogue
commentary - the safest place to be during a tornado is in my arms
james harden, chris paul deny rumors of discord, say they are fully committed to team at state farm
advisors hopeful jeb bush finally has momentum to end campaign
first baby of 2010 finally born
one for the road: seaworld has realized people will be mad at it no matter what it does so it’s just going to see how fat it can make a dolphin before it goes bankrupt
snuggle marketers kill off 18-34 demographic rather than let it fall into hands of competitor
damning report: mom’s investigation into why this restaurant keeps the ac up so high has concluded that it’s because they want their customers to freeze
white house begins christmas season with ceremonial lighting of cross
10 signs you’ve got a good man
fema officials panic after accidentally evacuating 1 million residents in direction of hurricane
smokers at party only ones to make it to fire escape in time
al franken pledges to make up for sexist behavior over course of next four senate terms
paranoid syrian man thinks government out to get him
loft discussed at loft party
area man growing a little tired of rushing home to hug loved ones
god sick of new angel's annoying fucking voice
youngest sibling in family kind of thought mom would lose steam by now
how greece can solve its debt crisis
justin timberlake already beneath u.s. bank stadium waiting for super bowl halftime show to start
single woman getting all dolled up to watch room full of people make out this new year's eve
led bulb coming to terms with fact that it will outlive all its friends
new 'robocop' trailer reveals main character to be some sort of robotic policeman
red lobster introduces new mechanical jumbo shrimp ride
news: coolest pope ever: for half an hour today pope francis canonized anyone who followed him on twitter
pollster informs george h.w. bush that dying so soon after wife would really boost favorability rating
‘just look at it, there’s no way that’s healthy’: the american medical association has announced that our bodies definitely shouldn’t be producing feces
produce manager ready for some football
businessman mortified to discover he's been wearing suit backwards all day
thing in cave not finished with eric yet
staff of new thai restaurant desperately hoping area couple will try eating there sometime
person one season ahead in tv show doling out counsel like wise elder
upset woman forced to re-sigh louder
study: average father thinks about sealing in meat's juices 4 to 5 hours a day
james bond fans concerned after learning new film’s shooting locations all in new hampshire | the onion
chinese officials respond to nba controversy by moving millions of citizens to nhl re-fanification camps
cory booker, kamala harris, elizabeth warren assure dreamers they'll never stop fighting for the 2020 nomination
hemmed-in seattle mayor calls for emergency deforestation
man totally proud of last night's drunken phone calls
white house announces obamacare exchange now only accessible from single kiosk in remote iowa cornfield
unpopular high-schoolers downplay significance of prom
8 signs he’s cheating
jeff bezos tables latest breakthrough cost-cutting idea after realizing it’s just slaves
fisher-price releases new in utero fetal activity gym
kim jong-un panics after returning to north korea to find country’s populace has escaped
area dad botches 'princess bride' quote
the pros and cons of a long-distance relationship | the onion
the war on christmas is real, and purell is leading the charge
mom decides enough time has passed to lose touch with paramedic who saved son's life
panicked malcolm gladwell realizes latest theory foretells end of his popularity
silvio berlusconi swears dancer was of legal age when he paid her for sex using state money
sarah huckabee sanders strongly rebukes implication she doesn't lock own children in cages
embarrassed brett kavanaugh can't believe he wore handmaid costume on same day as protesters
financial planner advises shorter life span
restaurant’s nacho challenge requires participants to watch man consume 3 pounds of nachos
spacecraft travel from all over galaxy to honor end of opportunity rover's life
new dog digs up old dog
report: more americans forced to sell gold pocket watch in order to afford set of fine combs for wife
news: it’s called the rape cube, and it’s what islamist migrants would build if they were scientists with billions of dollars
hush falls over prison population as madoff stabs cellmate in throat
diehard trump voters confirm rest of nation should stop wasting time trying to reach them
health nuts take note: the fda just announced that the key to a balanced diet is to be kept in a cage by a giant who feeds you three nutrient-rich pellets every day
breaking: has the word 'breaking' lost all its meaning?
bob dole picked off by large hawk circling arena parking lot
visiting parents unknowingly strike up conversation with parents of dorm's blowjob queen
report: it going to take way more than an inconceivable act of violence for country to rise above politics
'the onion' has obtained hundreds of classified documents from the trump white house
report: this week's all fucking hell breaking loose projected to be 30% more insane than last week's complete shitshow
track winnings reinvested in blackjack futures
beekeeper slowly becoming bee hoarder
birthday boy admits accepting gifts
jenna bush's federally protected wetlands now open for public drilling
naïve detective suspects fair play
researchers discover details smaller than minutiae
fixin's added to food pyramid
source of jealousy not even that successful
report finds average american wastes 77 years of their life not listening to steve winwood's 'the finer things'
relationship in exciting early stage where every exchange causes unspeakable anxiety
majority of time machine owners use device primarily to get couple more hours of sleep
trump steaks now come with a free presidential pardon
unmanned military drone briefly grasps senselessness of war
tick scientists confirm 2017 summer will be best on record
marco rubio still rock-hard days after being publicly humiliated on national stage
actor receives $25 million for everyman role
fans gather at airport to greet carry crates containing puppy bowl winners
wilbur ross shakes self awake after briefly dying during cabinet meeting
frat nutritionists dare americans to swallow more live goldfish
exhibitionist zoo elephants waiting for crowd to gather before screwing
woman angered when veiled anger expressed as mock anger is interpreted as real anger
hanes unveils w-neck t-shirt
i can't protect my son from everything, but if i lock him in the svalbard global seed vault i've narrowed the threat down to just seeds
disgruntled bandmates worried rivers cuomo's wife becoming the fifth weezer
hillary clinton threatened by black man
news: taking a stand: campbell’s soup has announced that it will no longer allow nra members to swim in its soup vats
teacher bitches about paycheck to sixth-grade class
facebook addresses accusations of silencing conservative voices by deleting barack obama's profile
night of uninterrupted deep sleep really throws man's day off
stressed-out sean hannity buys 12 little cabins in maine to get away from it all
specifics of hostile takeover fiercely boring
warren buffett offers $1 billion for dick vitale to shut up
life: ‘the hardest part about doing the today show is matt lauer constantly banging on the window and begging us to let him inside’: 5 questions with hoda kotb
behold: the children of others
disgusted tsa agents also calling for end to body scanning, thorough pat-downs
man does incredibly well at slot machine demo embedded in ad
good for him! this man is getting more joy from pushing a big air bubble out of his swim trunks than he has from anything else in years
fox ordered to cancel upcoming when presidents are assassinated live special
family has extremely lax standards for who gets to be called aunt
tough times for digital media: budget cuts have forced clickhole to close our children’s cancer research center
historical archives: amazing publick spectacle!
6,000-year-old culture now a 'developing nation'
new iowa poll finds majority of democrats would vote for candidate named ‘bobby cheeseburger’
report: some people live in pennsylvania
parents assure scared child there’s no such thing as skip bayless
military now considering limiting soldiers with severe ptsd to 3 combat tours
it's not a crack house, it's a crack home.
potential school shooter gunned down by popular jock
hillary's last name dropped from senate race
the onion reviews 'la la land'
millions of human beings experiencing actual emotions about j.j. abrams directing 'star wars'
report: 38% of road trips end with burying friend in shallow grave in desert
corrugated-cardboard lobby once again rates all 535 congressmen 'poor' on corrugated-cardboard-related issues
box of old playboys found, good ones too
hulk hogan sues gawker again over leaking different, racist thing he did
naked man mingles freely in locker room
‘we can have differences of opinion and still respect each other,’ says betrayer of the one true cause
espn curious if you have ever considered playing fantasy football
chicago's annual homicide drive off to most promising start in decades
uphill skiing competition enters 6th day
inclement weather prevents liar from getting to work
haunted corn maze owner has another conversation with zombie no. 2 about not touching
unconscious amazon employee chastised for not filing time-off request
study: average person's enjoyment of vacation drops 36% for each additional family member present
historian has big news for grover cleveland fans
plan 'l' switched to
the onion reviews 'the hobbit: the battle of the five armies'
new history textbook makes hatred of history come alive for students
man purchasing pair of red pants better be ready to put up or shut up
new epa study finds 98% of u.s. mop water fucking nasty as hell
sweating, grunting mike pence straining to rapture himself before impeachment inquiry goes any further
mark zuckerberg touts complete lack of cannibalism on facebook live so far
clinton receives 400,000 honorary degrees for college commencement speech
elderly rite aid patron stretching out conversation about toothpaste to prolong human contact
10-month-old pug worried upon reaching age when father developed debilitating breathing problems
nancy reagan available at 82
when this little boy was being bullied, his parents transferred him to another school where they apparently thought kids would magically be nicer for some reason
man on cusp of having fun suddenly remembers every single one of his responsibilities
study finds placing one foot forward, then the other, remains best method of walking
faint hope granted by word 'presumptive' cruelly snatched from american people
scientists probably discover a new species of frog
video: get enraged, patriots! the deep state has been sending me fresh seasonal ingredients and easy-to-follow recipes to turn my dinners into gourmet meals
nobel committee awards self peace prize for once
510 chuck e. cheese tickets blown in grape-soda induced frenzy
geologists uncover slab of amber containing perfectly preserved adam and eve
child subjected to elaborate hairdo
the onion reviews ‘mamma mia! here we go again’
news: foreign policy blunder: the cia just disclosed hundreds of intelligence memos to the chinese government after accidentally selecting its printer
l.a. grants clippers $12 for new nets
woman who claims book changed her life has not changed
generous military sends $800 in disability to man who wakes up screaming every night
conversational lamprey slowly draining life from dinner party
cnn technicians rush to empty wolf blitzer's urine tank midway through election coverage
study finds health benefits associated with seriously considering going vegetarian for a while now
cnn accused of ignoring certain issues on anderson cooper 340°
how the gop can still repeal obamacare
mega-churchgoer hopes to appear devout on jumbotron
banana republic announces opening of new stores where buying pants will not be totally humiliating experience
great news for ketchup: political scientists say that the outcome of the presidential election will in no way affect ketchup
fringe catholic sect doesn't tolerate child abuse
dasani under fire after tanker explosion leads to massive water spill off coast of mexico
parents of adorable baby on tv show most likely insane
cnn headline news reporter unafraid to face the cold, hard factoids
oil prices soar like noble eagle
republicans expose obama’s college plan as plot to make people smarter - the new yorker
trump's longtime butler calls for obama to be killed
life: embarrassing: mug has recalled 40,000 cases of root beer that the ceo just wanted back
daring to dream: jeff bezos is standing outside a guitar center gazing longingly at a $200 billion guitar
pizza slice only has one pepperoni
u.s. asks africa not to cash aid checks until after tax day
denver’s flaming skull mayor announces plans to decriminalize magic mushrooms
hot new 'murder craze' sweeps chicago
barry white de-euphemized
man who's been in a bunch of buildings figures he'd be a pretty good architect
russian government finishes euthanizing thousands of stray journalists for world cup
boyfriend ceremoniously dumped
ford develops new suv that runs purely on gasoline
mystery freshman dominates ice breakers, disappears into night
parents, baby, godmother all uncomfortable with arrangement
roy moore disgusted by thought of groping breasts of sexually mature woman
rumsfeld wearing same shirt for fourth straight day
antidepressant can’t believe it’s expected to fix this mess all on its own
new seaworld show just elephant drowning in large tank of water with no explanation
23-hour suicide watch a failure
advisors instruct william barr to avoid referring to trump as 'my liege' during confirmation hearing
chris wallace receives cease-and-desist letter from trump organization in middle of questioning candidate about groping allegations
quiet riot speaks out against nation's poor metal health care
angolan war criminal called in as character witness to manafort fraud trial
twitter creator on iran: 'i never intended for twitter to be useful'
photo of masked gunman released
one of their best videos
nation's sanitation workers announce everything finally clean
new film only stars one eddie  murphy
not feeling it today: ellen degeneres just turned on a ‘magic school bus’ episode for her audience and fell asleep in the corner of the studio
blog: turning 50 means finally accepting that you’ll probably never be activated as an unstoppable rogue agent
huckabee sanders tells colleagues she's taking temporary post as google ceo before transitioning into full-time role as sultan of brunei
man has no idea what to do with visiting friend between meals
brain-dead americans defend brain-dead florida woman
al-qaeda: latest missile attack bears hallmarks of u.s. military
area man foolishly entrusted with genetic code
i don’t see race; i only see grayish-brown, vaguely humanoid shapes
they said what?!: find out what buzz aldrin, aretha franklin, and mark cuban have to say
45-year-old to help candidate understand youth vote
‘let’s see you answer these’ snickers alex trebek as he unveils invasive categories about james holzhauer’s personal life
life: this slightly misinformed woman is buying up as much deodorant as she can for the next four years
reddi wip canister used as directed
trump agrees to wear wire to take down roger stone
holocaust historian can't help imagining what random people would look like behind barbed-wire fence
assistant uses cake to smuggle cake-decorating set to martha stewart
campbell's unveils one big can-sized noodle
secret service agent learning a lot from malia's '18th century european history' seminar
hostage with family really lording it over everyone else
body donated to religion
life: this visionary dessert chef surgically implants mochi ice cream into your stomach without your knowledge or permission
video: theologians explain the stations of the cross
logo in corner of tv reminds man he's masturbating to spice
lawmaker's war hero son would have wanted road bill passed
shirtless lifeguard investigates paranormal phenomena
lisa murkowski admits she thought being alaskan senator would just mean having to deal with bears and shit
pope loses keys to vatican city
unemployed, miserable man still remembers teacher who first made him fall in love with writing
previous tenant clearly not bothered by mildew
mgm releases gala sixth-anniversary edition of son-in-law
test post | the onion
loose-cannon cop who doesn’t play by the rules uses unconventional filing system for paperwork while on desk duty
man at job interview praying he isn’t asked about 2-year gap in résumé when he was abducted by aliens
news: the ultimate halloween promotion: chase bank has announced that anyone who shows up to an la fitness in a ronald mcdonald costume will receive a free pair of new balance sneakers from state farm insurance
news: nightmare for patriots fans: tom brady messed up his tb12 diet by eating a carrot on radish day and ballooned to 500 pounds
exhausted sweatshop worker just has to laugh after sewing fingers together
piling on: lysol is following microsoft’s lead with a series of ads absolutely dunking on macbooks
dying woman sorry she won't get to see 37-year-old son grow up
family spends relaxing weekend destroying outdoors
real-life pepe le pew rapes cat
this is probably not going to win us any goodwill, but we asked 22 ice cream truck drivers to tell us about the fattest kids they ever served
date line
embittered raisin won't shut up about how it could have been wine
smooth operator also forklift operator
imaginary brain tumor spreading rapidly
man at salad bar has to say every item aloud as he adds it to salad
pope francis finds self in hell after taking wrong turn in vatican catacombs
life: 6 times the disciples asked jesus if they could go home, ranked by how mad it made jesus
person of interest gets away from george zimmerman
elizabeth warren spends evenings tutoring underperforming candidates on creating comprehensive policy
police officer doesn't see a difference between black, light-skinned black suspects
teach for america celebrates 3 decades of helping recent graduates pad out law school applications
bush vows to do 'that thing gore just said, only better'
jeb bush assures pipe-wielding thugs he'll have the delegates he promised them by next week
man doesn’t understand why people wasting time attacking him for running over their dog when trump the real enemy
slideshow: next week on clickhole
dunkin' donuts/baskin robbins/pizza hut/taco bell/long john silver's opens
lockheed martin sales staff instructed to really push tactical air-to-surface missiles this week
nice! when this 9th grader got bullied for going through puberty early, she showed them by dating a 20-year-old guy
dad's marine corps training evident during christmas-present opening
wedding album off to bizarre start with photo of 2 acorns floating in glass of water
bounced joe biden check still taped up in delaware liquor store
crucifix a testament to man's wealth
‘candy land’ screenwriter under impression fans counting on him to get this right
report: last time anyone actually rose to the occasion was 2002
biden scores 800 feet of copper wire
the chance of a lifetime: red lobster announced it will deep-fry and serve the scuba diver it accidentally caught to one lucky customer
rest of nation to penn state: ‘something is very wrong with all of you’
boehner just wants wife to listen, not come up with alternative debt-reduction ideas
family knows better than to fall for mom's little bullshit speech about no presents this year
white house reporters warn huckabee sanders she harming america and it's selling like fucking hotcakes
fema unveils nationwide phone tree in case of emergency
emaciated peter alexander burns podium for warmth after being locked in abandoned press briefing room since december
exhausted doctor to wake up early, finish surgery in morning
scott pruitt tosses another pvc tube on campfire
andrew mccabe spending few days as congressional bathroom attendant to satisfy pension requirements
pope francis hosts feathered serpent god as part of deity exchange program
bodybuilder's veins now outside of his skin
blog: i watch football in case a hawk ever steals the ball, not to see politics
man given points for trying increases total trying points to 643,457
gruesome, deformed jason pierre-paul lurking in sewers beneath metlife stadium
god answers prayers of paralyzed little boy
adorable animated hunchback to shove self down area throats
u.s. funneling arms to dissident angel group in effort to topple god
man who baked banana bread spends entire party anxiously watching it go uneaten
thirsty mayor drinks town's entire water supply
liberal feels like idiot for placing entirety of hopes on mueller probe instead of new york prosecutors' investigation
'carpe diem,' says man who spent previous day masturbating in darkened room | the onion
alabama cracks down on abortions by outlawing all medical procedures
life: 5 times john madden filled the silence during an on-field injury by bragging about being a soviet spy
'it's been an honor, gentlemen,' shift supervisor says as giant vat of molten cheese erupts
life: heartwarming: these firemen let a dying boy ride around with them all day after accidentally running him over with their fire truck
grandson has long hair
dole reveals one cantaloupe out there contains $10 million check
are you being forced to move to a new school several times a year because your dad’s in the army or because he loves the army?
newly deployed soldier has dreamed of fighting in afghan war since he was little kid
tennis ball brought on trip
child boosted on shoulders for better view of man having heart attack
longtime employee given small pewter object
johnny manziel hits rock bottom after waking up as browns starter for third time this year
hollywood plans big-budget remake of mr. & mrs. smith
trump boys proud after mailing in hand-drawn republican ballots to north pole
hot-dog craving ends after first bite
facebook employees explain struggling to care about company's unethical practices when gig so cushy
cia forced to complete all scheduled torture in one hectic weekend
report: god directly communicating with you through this headline
blizzard bringing back original 'world of warcraft' so thousands of gamers can relive most depressing era of their lives
indian teen caught playing air sitar
no matter what happens tomorrow, at least i had fun
centers for disease contraction urges americans to suck doorknob [video]
the week in pictures – week of may 7, 2018
returning jesus christ downed by u.s. missile defense 30,000 feet before making landfall
lindsey graham can’t believe he left cd with campaign song at red roof inn
grandma wants to know if you’re still drawing
newsweek editors argue over what to make readers fear next
weak, ineffectual man will be right back with that account file
dan savage disgusted by letter from perverted reader contemplating oral sex
life: here are 4 pics of the nasty prez o-bumper dipping his bungler’s fingers in people’s soup and milk in order to destroy lunch for all america
toddler unsettled by whatever possessed her to bite friend's face
black history month celebration honors how sharp african americans looked in old-timey clothes
mother feels violent desire to make front doorway reflect current season
new uber update allows users to file lawsuit against company directly in app
u.s. mint introduces new double-stuf quarters
nabisco baffled after trump administration gives it $200 million contract to rebuild puerto rico's roads
widower just doesn’t have energy to waltz with dead wife’s dress tonight
congress confused by $500 million in trump's budget allocated for 'laser stuff'
romney rolls sleeves all the way up over his head
hillary clinton relaxing before debate with few hours of debate practice
kanye west jumps on massage table to deliver speech about relaxation
area man lives vicariously through son's bully
video: amazing! this guy is able to think about work no matter what he’s doing
zamboni jams up after running over large patch of loose teeth
report: everyone starting new exciting stage of life except you
news: bracing for trump: with funding cuts looming, nasa is shooting dozens of employees into space and will figure out what to do with them later
great, now it's turned into a whole big thing
‘there is beauty in decay,’ says head of federal highway administration while surveying nation’s crumbling roads
'any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it,' report newly single sources
'this will be the end of trump's campaign,' says increasingly nervous man for seventh time this year
nintendo never should have pandered to women and created a female mario
10 krill that daddy likey
fda approves female-libido-enhancing man
area man’s back aching after bad night’s sleep, 58 continuous years of horrible posture
overworked nation wishes it could just unplug from it all like puerto rico
report: only 40% of celebrities end up marrying their stalkers
roommate's boyfriend drinking yet another can of soda
line item on aetna insurance bill just ‘paying for ceo’s yacht’
subwoofer worth the horrible credit rating
lost gondolier in middle of adriatic sea
serial killer annoyed by young murderers with no appreciation for albert fish
'repealing net neutrality will help spur innovation,' announces face of ajit pai blaring from every computer screen in nation
they said what?!: find out what kate hudson, dr. sanjay gupta, and bob barker have to say
shit-caked, urine-soaked man determined to enjoy carnival cruise
russian beef shortage traced to boris yeltsin
scientists find human vocal cords developed over millennia to lower voice when speculating on acquaintance’s sexual orientation
city of boston erects new plaque commemorating spot where ben affleck will die
man trying to remember how that music they used to play before hbo movies went
new study finds earth's core will be most habitable part of planet by 2060
personal life a total waste of time
cher back
neighbor still has tree standing in yard weeks after arbor day
disney world opens new ordeal kingdom for family meltdowns
advertiser thought this sponsored post was good idea
life: the 7 sweetest, most romantic things your boyfriend does for you in the morning before taking a huge shit in the bathroom you share with two other people
anthropologists discover ancient greek super pac that helped shape first democracy
washington post offers non-subscribers 10 free articles to fact-check per month
poll finds 97% of americans don’t know who donald trump is
what you need to know about the oregon militia standoff
taco bell unveils new taco with shell made from doritos bags
woman who cracked 3 separate iphone screens expecting baby boy this august
grandma guts it out through lunch on sunny patio
news: finally! lyft is adding an option for when you just want to drive aimlessly around town thinking about your marriage
near-death experience followed by right-on-the-money death experience
survey: genital stimulation maintains popularity
roger goodell admits job would be easier if he watched football
man wistfully looks around website he hasn’t visited for 30 minutes
art object purchased at office depot
historians suggest 'goodfellas' youtube clips may be fragments of larger work
japanese family puts aging robot in retirement home
life: dating hack: this new tinder feature will blow up a bridge so you have something to talk about with your match
mark zuckerberg: 'you should be grateful all your incessant oversharing online is actually worth something'
bear emerges from hibernation refreshed and ready to kill
'but a fox wouldn't eat gingerbread,' that one precocious little asshole reports
new report finds fastest-rising cause of death in u.s. is losing chess match to grim reaper
tearful trump admits nato alliance closest thing to friendship he’s ever had
important policy change: the philadelphia phillies have announced that the phillie phanatic will now crawl around on all fours like the beast he is
fbi releases list of criminals it in no particular rush to track down
sexist media keeps only referring to woman as 'bride of isis soldier'
baylor removes sign above locker room door featuring motivational art briles quote
guy with kids to have more kids
underwear worn out of respect for the dead
world health organization: 'not sure how, but adam levine's new fragrance the only antidote to mers virus'
let’s hear it for the buoyant
what your teen is really doing when she says she’s going to a warehouse to get all holes stuffed
paul manafort spends afternoon making house look presentable for next fbi raid
5th-grade teacher can already tell kids about to go apeshit for ending of 'the giver'
kennedy center to dishonor gilbert gottfried
news: walking the walk: scott pruitt just chained himself to a coal power plant to protect it from epa regulators
viral video sparks national debate around drumming in public
report: only predictor of happy marriage is if husband ever won wife big stuffed animal at amusement park
woman mentally rearranging rankings of children while opening mother's day gifts
scientists find link between how pathetic you are, how fast you respond to emails
embarrassed jcpenney announces all it's sold in past year is two fleece jackets and a scattergories game
‘when i’m acquitted, i’ll murder those interviewers,’ robert durst mutters while still wearing microphone
poll: 56% of voters say country better off than it was 4 eons ago
final harry potter book blasted for containing spoilers
area man nostalgic for time when ads targeting him not as sad
five-year-old convinced dinosaur bones are buried in backyard
pectoral muscles targeted by fitness fundamentalists
clash of titans: the san diego zoo is locked in a tense legal dispute with the louvre over who gets to keep a monkey holding a van gogh painting
experts: ebola vaccine at least 50 white people away
blog: i’m thankful my daughter can grow up in a world where she can be whatever the hell a doctor who is
dying newspaper trend buys nation's newspapers three more weeks
pope francis concerned about infection from holy spirit bite
astronomers just going to go ahead and say dark matter nitrogen
friends regret encouraging man to say what's on his mind
‘i want to be with someone else,’ says woman who must think 3-time hyundai sales leaders grow on trees
cheer up, idiot: mom’s complaining about her appearance even though she already snagged dad and basically has everything she could want in life
new report finds humanity 10 years away from something called ash age
fabled burger king employee places single onion ring in everyone's fries
entertainment tonight host 'can't wait' to see new paramount pictures release
faa study finds 64% of engine failures caused by henchman being kicked into turbine
immigrant explains difficulty assimilating to culture that constantly reboots film franchises
unpopular orange to be phased out of visible spectrum
i did the art and headline, now please write the article
parents fight to remove cartoon characters from industrial solvents
man can name all parts of the vagina
after a string of accidents, u-haul announces closure of aircraft division
video: border under siege! america’s effeminate, long-haired men are growing their hair out in order to rapunzel illegal immigrants over trump’s border wall
parent now just typing 4-year-old child's every word verbatim throughout day as facebook post
black man does 8 years: "‘the onion’ looks back at the historic legacy of barack obama, a post-racial president for a pre-post-racial america."
the onion’s 2016 fish of the year is…this fish
al-qaeda hires public-relations consultant just to shoot him
god worried he fucked up his children
rival dojo in for big surprise at regionals
nation doesn’t know if it can take another bullshit speech about healing | the onion
america's breathiest singer? - america's best - ep. 1
grocery store not fooling anybody by marketing cantaloupe as fun super bowl snack
sony announces discreet new flesh-colored vr helmet that blends in with your face
student fills in new essay portion of sat with all c's
weird new cereal sets tone for first weekend at divorced dad'€™s
trump boys ransack mueller’s office to steal answer key to questions for their dad
the house from the windows 95 maze screensaver is up for sale
scientists announce today best time to look directly at sun
millions of retirees absolutely sopping wet after seeing alex trebek’s new beard
climate researchers warn only hope for humanity now lies in possibility they making all of this up
geopolitical balance of power somehow unaffected by death of princess
bathroom too disgusting to shit in
visiting friend okay doing whatever
cousin really going all-in on retweeting porn stars
first grandma, treasury secretary geithner up all night talking, laughing
shit, friend just said something to obnoxious drunk guy on bus
satan depressed all weekend after man opts out of casino trip
scientists announce discovery of dry ice on mars means planet may one day be suitable for halloween party
onion fact checks: president trump’s press conference
'game of thrones' creators frantically re-shoot finale to make peter dinklage death seem intentional
vatican employees unable to relax at holiday party with pope around
prince harry condemns media coverage of girlfriend
hero publicist honored
4 things dustin said about you… just thought you should know…
congressman excited to be working on bill with intern he has huge crush on
puerto rico celebrates dependence day
angelina jolie stuns in first rollerblading competition since double mastectomy
eric trump hooks donald jr. up to xbox, ipad, roomba to practice passing polygraph test
political cartoonist not sure how to convey that large sack in senator's hand is full of money
everyone at thanksgiving doing chore to get away from rest of family
israeli troops who relied on waze blundered into deadly firefight with palestinians
wound-up tim kaine running around clinton campaign headquarters in pajamas
boyfriend’s comforter an unzipped sleeping bag
land before time vi released straight to landfill
media urged not to release names of any more presidential candidates in effort to prevent copycats
report: 40 percent of american high-school students mind-reading at sixth-grade level
in final machiavellian masterstoke, area woman adds 'no gifts, please' to bottom of invitation
dell acquired by gateway 2000 in merger of 2 biggest names in computer technology
ashcroft loses job to mexican
area man so sick of having to explain family members' political views to them
ecuadorian embassy runs ad seeking ‘no drama’ tenant for newly vacant room
trump delivers anecdote about small business owner who isn't half the man he is
trump resigns from presidents local 150 in protest of unions
biden busted in dnc parking lot selling bootleg 'i'm with her' t-shirts
'back to dock' voted most popular destination among current rowboat passengers
they spelled it ‘sean’: how one barista destroyed this man’s morning
everyone in friend group drinking solely so they can tolerate each other
white to attend boat show
man pretty cocky since beating cancer
'decision 2000' actually made in smoke-filled room in 1997
i am fun by hillary clinton
lush unveils new line of anti-aging youthful maiden bloodbombs
dance cage recidivism rates at all-time high within american club scene
chargers announce move to l.a.
new contraception law would require teenagers to consult with 3 different peers before selecting birth control method
nation admits it always a little bored by whole jimmy hoffa thing
comic-con opens with traditional superhero flyover
the pros and cons of artificial intelligence
congress allocates $500 million for development of funkier bass lines
best-laid plans of mice mostly cheese-related
god realizes he forgot to put souls in humans
could australia be building another yahoo serious?
amish woman knew she had quilt sale the moment she laid eyes on chicago couple
report: mom would rather sit here and watch you guys have fun - the onion - america's finest news source
pope's renal system proves fallible
wayne lapierre goes on harpooning spree to prove some sort of point
justices observe supreme court ritual by driving stake through john paul stevens’ heart to ensure he dead before burial
mom thinks you’d enjoy restaurant she can’t remember name of right now
hurricane bitch hits florida
a slippery slope: could bill cosby’s conviction lead to a mob mentality where society wantonly punishes any serial rapist after decades of inaction?
father only expresses love through concern for proper tire inflation
is this news anymore?!?! uptick if you had enough
woman forced to do some detective work after obituary for dead classmate leaves off cause of death
fda recalls food
nipple of baby's bottle pierced for authenticity
god scores another free balloon some dumb kid let go of
understanding the israeli-palestinian conflict
major endorsement: fdr’s bones have appeared on hillary clinton’s lawn
rod blagojevich trying to sell presidential commutation to cellmate for $2.8 million
life: hell yes: claire’s is debuting a bejeweled trunk that preteen girls can hide in for the entirety of middle school
‘we must protect the pure aryan bloodline,’ says child after 9 minutes of unsupervised facebook access
could go either way: the kid who just turned in his test 30 minutes early is either a genius or an absolute dumbass
formerly obese man always showing everyone his old pants
how apple plans to rebound from apple watch flop
lucky break for wendy’s: a woman found a dead rat in her wendy’s fries and she’s absolutely ecstatic about it
millions of shrimp airlifted from oil spill disaster zone
features of the apple car
east st. louis rated number-one city in america by 'poverty magazine'
oklahoma state penitentiary unveils new in-chamber entertainment system to keep inmates occupied during lethal injections
area man has no idea where to get envelope
blood-drenched sarah koenig announces topic for upcoming season of ‘serial’
middle eastern man not sure how many days' worth of airport detention clothes to pack
life: super dad: when this father found out his daughter was being teased for her weight, he taught her how to really go after someone’s socioeconomic status
wild-eyed jim harbaugh informs players they must kill their pregame meal
life: 7 signs your doctor somehow knows about that dream you had where you kissed him
girlfriend, girlfriend's brother look way too much alike
mariana trench once again named worst place to raise child
how to discuss politics with your loved ones
report: of course that guy on college's alumni committee now
lindsey graham demands to know how trump supposed to lead nation under such rampant accountability
slightly upset woman declared insane
newsroom : warcraft sequel lets you play a character playing warcraft
partygoer gets thoughtful
what obama hopes to accomplish before leaving the white house
news: just like us: this chimpanzee shot himself in the head after the irs uncovered his tax fraud scheme
white house says mueller report must be kept private because it's so exonerating it would drive public mad
highlights from david beckham’s career
blog: i won’t let my son play wheelchair basketball because he’s faking
detective behind two-way mirror nervously crosses arms as criminal addresses him directly
abc cancels acting with the stars
bouncer moved to tears by tale of friends already in club
orca mother carries around dead calf for two weeks as warning to all who would defy her
woman always really excited to be in whatever relationship status she's currently in
goddamn ficus plant should come with instructions
hubris rewarded
‘dsm-5’ updated to accommodate man who is legitimately being ordered to kill by the moon
whale regrets eating 290,000 plastic poker chips that fell off container ship
the ultimate superfan: this man spent $250,000 on plastic surgery to look like the cast of ‘riverdale’
woman builds ironclad case proving mila kunis looks bad without makeup
loss of cat child's first real experience with death, killing
new rumsfeld scholarship awarded to student who demonstrates potential to ignore geopolitical consequences of armed invasion
google now giving female employees free day each week to work on lawsuits
fender releases new hybrid gas-electric guitar
marketing scientists successfully map the human heartstrings
protagonist rapidly getting dressed must be late, reports cunning viewer recognizing film's subtext
boehner opens another heap of letters from constituents asking to give corporations more tax breaks | the onion
new pumpkin spice channel to offer fall-themed hardcore pornography - nsfw
overcrowded gop field forces iowa to construct massive town hall stadium
nfl geneticists working on developing ligament-free player
7 female ceos who inspire us all to be cogs in the capitalist machine
society tea party spoiled by ocelot
health-food-store worker dies of vitamin lung
john oliver annoyed after discovering he the only non-cgi character in ‘lion king’ remake
doomsday clock pushed to one minute to midnight after arby’s threatens launch of 3-cheese jalapeño beef ’n bacon melt
man who plays devil's advocate really just wants to be asshole
nation's baby boomers hold press conference to announce they all have diseases now
majority of americans voice support for bernie sanders after learning he's a millionaire
sun goes out for a few seconds
t.g.i. friday's bankrupt after spending billions on priceless americana
salvation army clothing drop-off choked with stirrup pants
man already knows everything he needs to know about muslims
paramount executive snaps up script that begins with studio logo fading into establishing shot of actual mountain
fda: everyone needs to induce vomiting right now
nation's 30 fraudulent voters march on washington to restore voting rights act
faa advises asiana airlines pilot to get back out there after crash
paramount hoping overseas market will be dumb enough to embrace latest piece of shit
the academy awards: honoring the greatest achievement in shameless self-indulgence
money continues to pour in to some undesignated far-off point somewhere
grandmother can’t believe she hung on this long for granddaughter’s lame-ass wedding
i am a recently divorced and laid-off middle-aged man with a lot of health problems, and everything i say is incredibly depressing. ask questions at me.
secret service's prostitution scandal did not affect president's security, white house adviser madame chartreuse says
taking action: legislators have introduced a bipartisan bill demanding that the trump administration make its inhumane immigration policies easier to ignore
son attempts to cultivate parents' interest in better movies
wisconsin legislature weakens incoming democratic governor by restricting his access to food, water, shelter
voters shocked christie botched such an easy political cover-up
obama visits south-carolina-ravaged south carolina
gsdi exxx-girlfriend fucks wiith everyоne! i even fоund it оnline seex-daating! gsdi
coworkers currently gchatting about you
teacher hoping students can tell he was once popular
cackling mitch mcconnell reveals to stunned democrats he's been working undercover for republican party this whole time
chipotle mayo doing all the heavy lifting in sandwich
kid with cancer hopes to realize dream of meeting competent oncologist
childish gambino teases concept album exploring what world might be like if he put a shirt on
they said what?!: find out what terrence malick, keri russell, and chris hadfield have to say
‘who sent you here,’ whispers woman to big tray of cheese danishes confronting her in break room
nation braces for 13 more weeks of coworkers talking about their fantasy football teams
backpack strategically placed in theft-proof corner of concert hall floor
priest regrets vow of celibacy after learning about furries
how to experience chicago like a local by settling down, starting a family, and living there
presidential commission announces no candidates met threshold to compete in second debate
man wearing cobra command shirt missed the whole point of 'g.i. joe'
man cautiously avoids barnes & noble section where teens check out graphic novels
new obesity drug delicious
self-helped woman won't stop at just self
los angeles plans to hold 2028 olympics in toronto for the tax incentives
‘washington post’ reporter frustrated every space in parking garage taken up by anonymous source
couple on verge of breaking up has mind-blowing aquarium visit
notorious b.i.g. cremation enters fifth week
vp meyer shocked to hear about chinese international space prison
putting an end to animal cruelty: here are the only 20 times when it’s ever okay to kill an elephant
sure, area man can watch your cat while his life is falling apart
life: cheat sheet: here are 5 things you can say at a wine tasting that’ll make everyone think you know a lot about the oklahoma city bombing
horseconnect, the social network for horses, bought for $1 billion
8 things you learn when you travel by yourself
life: the only 3 people to have ever died
video: senator absolutely destroys republican congressman for taking her lunch from the capitol fridge
millions of work hours lost to voting
10-percent tip teaches waitress valuable lesson
study suggests onion social notifications 300 times more satisfying to receive than facebook notifications
woman in waiting area feels twinge of betrayal while watching her hairdresser making small talk with another
guy riding atv has really been looking forward to breaking his neck on wooded trail
man excited to look like different type of idiot in front of coworkers at bar
nation's sound engineers gather to talk about their ponytails
you want seex! i am amber i want seex! please! help me!
highlights of the pope’s climate change encyclical
father teaches son how to fly into rage over completely inconsequential bullshit
woman mentally rifles through friends for perfect person to sympathize with current pettiness
'fourth quarter, time winding down, super bowl,' report nation's 11-year-olds
giuliani says kim jong-un begged like a has-been-politician-turned-hack-attorney trying to get a job at the white house
nasa designers release flirty new space skirt
man still trying to find right work-anxiety–life-anxiety balance
scientists slowly reintroducing small group of normal, well-adjusted humans into society
news: life in shadows: a cloaked merrick garland is crouched in the scotus rafters whispering a dissenting opinion and clutching a withered rose
oversized body causes fire at cemetery
senile mother a broken novelty record
jim jordan spends hearing demanding michael cohen accept blame for covering up sexual abuse of ohio state wrestlers
encyclopedic knowledge not so handsomely bound
weird birthday boy blowing out candles wishes for john hickenlooper to win democratic primary
area woman morbidly fit
breaking: america’s white population plummets to 2.7% after trump caves on immigration enforcement
european leaders: 'we stand together to say loud and clear: we are scared as fuck and don't know what to do'
mets earmark $53 million for pitching relief
area woman has more than 200 products to help calm her
parents of obama volunteer couldn't be more proud, sick of son
nation's single men announce plan to change bedsheets by 2019
melania wishes just once she could look in mirror without own reflection turning away, gust of wind blowing through room, doors slamming shut
date invites woman upstairs to check out red flags | the onion - america's finest news source
man's only contribution to house search periodically telling wife he wishes he knew how to help
spider-man mask spices up blind date
nation’s oppressed christians huddle underground to light single shriveled christmas shrub
burger king looks open
tammys of the world demand to be taken seriously
hillary clinton holds infant grandson upside down by ankle in front of convention crowd
science ftw: nasa sent a man into orbit and got a different man back
shocking 'game of thrones' finale concludes with arrest of 5 million viewers for piracy
despondent jeff bezos realizes he’ll have to work for 9 seconds to earn back money he lost in divorce
poll finds majority of americans have never met willem dafoe
it’s the sponge. you love the sponge.
mark mcgwire claims he would have hit 70 home runs without help of bat
rock hard café acquires autographed bon jovi cock ring
fan has list of dream marketers he'd love to see handle next spider-man film
parenting expert has nerve to tell you how to raise your own goddamn kids
legalizing gay marriage lowers teen suicide
7 signs you’re addicted to your smartphone
line cook learns leaving restaurant industry not that easy
cocksucker beats up motherfucker
death row inmate can't deny he curious to see how state pulls off lethal injection
bassist has little riff ready to go in case frontman goes around introducing everyone
facebook algorithm mortified it has to deliver up so much embarrassing news about own company
trump base celebrates president for standing up to constitution
christian bale glad to be done with most humiliating experience of professional life
2016 sees record number of female-led films
woman nervous mom starting to use her as confidant
papa john’s founder launches new chain of fast-casual segregated lunch counters
an intelligent woman of the 21st century: (the onion strikes again!)
trump offers clear, historical precedent for deploying u.s. military with no provocation
u.s. continues dependence on foreign toil
nation hopeful there will be equally random chance of justice for future victims of police abuse
scientists put sleep-inducing power of agribusiness today into pill
robbie knievel jumps entire generation's awareness
man honestly thought breakdown would be more obvious to people
nervous maid of honor just stringing together random maya angelou quotes
attempt to buy gift for boyfriend results in hatred of boyfriend
pope francis attends outdoor mass in cutoff denim vestments
tae kwon do instructor gets little thrill out of pairing off completely mismatched 8-year-olds.
cop who shot unarmed black man let off with a promotion
catastrophic misstep: the reptile guy at this school assembly just handed a huge snake to the most straight-up insane kid in fifth grade
bush elected president of iraq
'you got it™' trademarked
netflix receives 10 emmy nominations for season 4 of 'wings'
fan just going to keep open mind about whether new 'star wars' best or worst movie ever
ah, fuck: the brunch place your friend picked is called ‘pantry & ladle,’ which probably means it’s expensive as hell
if i could do it all over again, i’d probably have a few possessions
frustrated fcc unable to stop use of word 'friggin''
study: headaches are the body’s way of communicating it wants pills
man with 20 rifles can’t remember if his goal to start or stop violent overthrow of government
sony powerless to free kesha due to continued desire for money
new department of agriculture study finds 85% of u.s. farmers woefully kicking at dirt
area bird creeped out by bird watcher
nation's attractive people demand we send them all $200 checks
concerned parents demand removal of arsenic from periodic table of elements
life: heartbreaking: today is two-dollar lobster roll day, but no one knows where
man hoping people notice how many folding chairs he's carrying at once
video game blacksmith struggling to compete with random chests full of free armor all over kingdom
doctors no closer to cure for old-person smell
man just going to assume this counts as ‘minced’
man turns vegetarian for 36 hours
4 senators mauled during congressional tiger show
compassionate trump issues full presidential pardon for robert mueller
report: tiger that mauled roy horn still struggling to find work
real-life family feud offers no fabulous cash prizes
study: beginning email with short, disingenuous inquiry into personal life best way to network
woman takes break from dating to focus on everything about herself no one could ever love
obama spends another night searching behind white house paintings for safes
recently mugged friend a racist all of a sudden
mtv movie awards snubs director jonas mekas yet again
aunt threatens to devour helpless newborn's toes
churchgoer blanks on why she is lighting votive candle
director going with unknown for third marriage
'i make my own hours,' says man about to get fired
kids’ choice awards nominations: more bad news for martin o’malley
mother provides adult son with list of questions to ask doctor
military drone takes advantage of gi bill education benefits
report: 99% of employees would use boss as human shield in event of workplace attack
report: more americans relying on grandparents to help fuck up their kids
bus rider acting like fight not happening 4 feet away
jessica simpson reveals slimmer figure after chopping off limbs
ex-poachers talk about how solving a crime with a rhino made them reconsider their job
gruff, no-nonsense teacher only hard on students because he gets off on exploiting power
correct theory discarded in favor of more exciting theory
entire life of universe flashes before stephen hawking's eyes
postmodern architect unveils 7-story found-art object
dr. scholl's introduces line of sexy lace insoles
ryan gosling sneaks past paparazzi in full-body red carpet camouflage
clickhole: 8 things only people who have been inside a car understand
waste of time: starbucks closed down for anti-bias training today even though we’ve moved on and are mad about other things now
guy from pringles ad convicted of murder on law & order
ceo sad nobody noticed new tie
physician shoots off a few adderall prescriptions to improve yelp rating
exhausted paul giamatti to paul giamatti from home today
study: this descended from wolves
rapidly expanding at&t merges with entirety of existence
man raised by wolves worried he's slowly turning into father
cubans: new dictator doing it all wrong
breaking: daniel throwing his life away, you should call him, he dropped out of wharton—wharton, for god's sake
study finds sedentary lifestyle puts millions of americans at risk of becoming beautiful just the way they are
fourth-graders differ over how much allergic classmate's face swelled up
surgeon general mills recommends three to five servings of froot per day
'mad men' premiere features group of actors who are scared to death of never making transition to film
study finds blame now fastest human reflex
cdc officials announce free ice cream for everyone, delicious tasty ice cream, and also there is an ebola outbreak
use of organic peanut butter adds two minutes to local man's life
kasparov de-rezzed
this chilling footage proves donald trump is right about chaos in the streets of chicago
report: still a few seconds left where plane low enough to crash with everyone surviving
kasich privately worried he’ll never have charisma necessary to incite supporters to violent frenzy
video: heartbreaking: lonely man puts bride-and-groom cake topper on his baked potato
pile of crap excites publicist
area homosexual thinks he's still in the closet
‘the onion’ has chosen to publish an anonymous op-ed from two sources close to trump who think their dad is the best president ever
entire shopping mall quietly dreading whatever empty stage set up for
was the coward roger ailes not conservative enough to keep from dying? here’s why your fox news ‘hero’ is actually a leftist corpse.
deadly super rainbow tears through west coast
grandma knitting escape ladder
waitress creeped out by overtipper
'whitey bulger ordered the murder of 19 people,' reports anonymous rat bastard
londoners 2 percent less polite about terrorism following bombings
study finds having it all leading indicator that everything will come crashing down
news: major bombshell: wikileaks has revealed that tim kaine used campaign resources to put together a ‘survivor’ audition tape
wife's needs gross
white house corrects transcript to add few more insults about female reporter
replacement socialite cunt sought for simple life cast
acoustic-guitar-wielding trump tells congress ‘this here’s the story of america’
culture shock: culture shock: everything you need to know about the mtv video music awards
whoa, classmate got totally hideous over summer vacation
cheetos social media team arguing over whether tweet in chester cheetah's voice
grandchild, grandfather equally dreading collaboration for school interview project
that one mcdonald's plate from the '70s: holy shit, there it is
leonardo dicaprio hopes he screamed and cried good enough in ‘the revenant’ to win oscar
black guy doesn't talk about all the times he didn't get discriminated against
slay queen! 5 times grandma was an absolute girlboss during her knee surgery
trump makes light-hearted jokes with dead bodies of hurricane victims during visit to carolinas
5-year-old alabama boy misses fun 'bunker grandpa'
news: heartbreaking: steve bannon is the only one who signed sean spicer’s goodbye card and he pretty clearly thought it was the lunch order
former lovers meet in coffee shop for one last cliché
nation's entertainment reporters return to celeb beach body beat following coverage of weinstein scandal
‘in office, i only ate 7 almonds a day. as a private citizen, i’ll spoil myself with 8, even 9 almonds a day sometimes’: 5 questions with barack obama
nation suddenly concerned about black man’s opinion
kanye west: ‘i would’ve ridden away from a slave plantation on a motorcycle first chance i got’
nation relieved insufferable little 'game of thrones' fans don't have book to lord over them this season
coworker apparently just going to stare at lunch in microwave for entire 3-minute cook time
hbo letter
nra publishes tips for staying safe while committing a mass shooting
after 10 months of bitter struggle, downstairs neighbor masters 'jumpin' jack flash'
defiant dallas police officer claims anyone could have mistaken black man's apartment for gun
trump holds strategy meeting with campaign's top militia leaders ahead of election day
epa to drop 'e,' 'p' from name
directions to ed's steak house
it’s an honor to continue being valued over countless human lives
local mosque only rated 1.5 stars on yelp
ohio replaces lethal injection with humane new head-ripping-off machine
cage match settles nothing
2016 in international news
7 kids who need to shut the fuck up about fossils already.
copies of da vinci code litter crash site
camera falls out of love with melanie griffith
new yorker article unread in brooklyn, queens, bronx, staten island
powerful special interest group momentarily blanks on agenda
man cruises by william h. macy's website to check out the latest news
cell phone stuck in 2-year contract with local man
actress leaves porn past behind with new cinemax erotic thriller
life: when these third-graders saw their classmate didn’t have a lunch, they kept feeding him more and more lunches until he clogged the door and got school canceled
4 ancient civilizations that independently developed rudimentary versions of ‘seinfeld’
report: none of good cousins coming to thanksgiving this year
boyfriend can really envision losing his sense of self long-term with this one
mother can't believe 10-year-old has already outgrown mobility scooter
i am fun
obama to assure nation that isis campaign will be drawn-out ordeal they’re used to
teen accurately describes robert mapplethorpe exhibit as 'gay'
military institutes new 'don't tell, let me guess' policy
man must be living with roommates by choice at this point
science ftw: a team of weeping, blood-soaked researchers has announced that the music of phil collins makes pandas kill each other
life: parenting win: this amazing dad remarried so his kids could have a mom closer to their age
'what about you, are you on my team?' trump asks george washington portrait
mongol hordes sack u.s.
man can't wait to find out if millennium falcon gets out of that tunnel
nation watches in envy as 15-year-old jots notes in margin of 'to kill a mockingbird'
report: publicly humiliating unpopular student still leading cause of telekinetic violence in u.s. high schools
man feels automatic connection with attractive woman
experts agree giant, bioengineered crabs pose no threat
study: 90% of plane landings just barely pulled off
emeril bams groupie
owner by far creepiest man in bar
jewel organizes 'save the unicorns' benefit
veteran told what offends him
'breaking bad' ends with reveal that whole series was plot of book marie shoplifted
area man unsure whether he's on right bus for most of trip
congress puts aside partisan differences for good of military contractors
oil discovered in alaska
dominos unveils napkin-stuffed pizza crust
unsold google glass units to be donated to assholes in africa
ostensibly heterosexual man constantly threatening to put objects up coworkers' asses
man at gym apparently comfortable standing naked right in middle of spin class
dog's eye gunk wiped back on dog
breaking story so new reporter literally has no information
eva longoria tans self out of visible spectrum
pink jersey proves that woman is sports fan, yet also retains a certain femininity
seventh-grade biology class grossed out at having to dissect horse
homeless child apparently unaware he lives in nanny state | the onion - america's finest news source
hunter s. thompson shoots mouth off one last time
maximum age for strollers raised to 8
government admits it was only behind destruction of north tower | the onion
when you are ready to have a serious conversation about green lantern, you have my e-mail address
scientists theorize what earliest dinosaur researchers may have looked like
4xi'm shocked!!!4x
obama returns from india with these gross candies for everyone
nation's men holding acoustic guitars announce plan to idly strum while you try to talk to them
man use big word
[meta] not a dating website! hey! ebi gusey! fuzxm5j5bs
woman preemptively posts a few good photos of herself online just in case she ever dies in shooting
chili’s customer who just finished ribs platter given complimentary hose-down
study finds over 5 million birds die annually from head-on collisions with clouds
report: a lot of people's dream is to have sex with a ghost
nation surprised it took so long for primaries to weed out candidate with genuine principles
area man asked to shoot janice an e-mail
hopeless resignation receives massive post-debate bump
entertainment lawyer 'fighting the good fight'
fat kid successfully avoids ridicule by swimming with shirt on
puerto ricans without power for month can only assume this leading story across national news media
black man given nation's worst job
lofty ambitions to shovel entire width of driveway scaled back to only shoveling thin path for car
news: tough but fair: this teacher confiscated a school shooter’s ar-15 for the rest of the day
ohio replaces lethal injection with humane new head-ripping-off machine - video
obama commutes 330 sentences on last day in office
real life ‘doom’: this office requires a keycard to get in
hotshot commencement speaker jumps straight into speech without even defining ‘courage’
senate committee links child poverty to lack of child jobs
maker of pizza rolls rethinks letting fans tell its story
man driving while making youtube video to explain how pc culture destroying america
hillary in 2004?
a piece of history: the beautiful velvet ribbon that made jfk’s head fall off when it was untied is coming to the smithsonian
man doesn't realize date went terribly
pope spends afternoon filling in glory holes all over st. peter’s basilica
star wars fan collects all 48,720
small town throws pride parade for only gay resident
what you need to know about u.s.–russia tensions
realtor emphasizing neighborhood's proximity to much nicer neighborhood
starring in hollywood blockbusters los angeles man's only claim to fame
senate has votes to overturn trump emergency declaration
political blogger mass suicide to be discovered in several weeks
all y'all urged to go fuck yo' selves
congress fiercely divided over completely blank bill that says and does nothing
texts you send in your 20s vs. texts you send in your closet hiding from an enraged yo-yo ma
i love my children, but not enough to make them corn on the cob
metropolitan museum acquires another vase
u.s. government offers 100 million americans generous severance deal to leave country
another pufferfish dies bitter and friendless
bored barron trump counts confederate flags in inauguration crowd to pass time
23-year-old arrested for failure to own halogen lamp
91-year-old woman an expert at outliving
ge releases new flickering light bulb for abandoned sanatoriums
they said what?!: find out what larry ellison, dr. ben carson, and anthony rizzo have to say
teen wastes prime childbearing years going to high school
bruce springsteen accidentally plays 'big government's stealin' our livelihood' at obama rally
karzai vows to crack down on self
colorado wildfire spreads to moon
passion with which child demanding balloon actually kind of inspiring
blog: if black lives matter isn’t a racist hate group, then can someone please explain to me why i keep insisting they are?
onion social ceo: ‘we’re proud to announce the first genital recognition software’
180 trillion leisure hours lost to work last year - the onion - america's finest news source
freshman bares her soul to entire dorm floor in first week
deadline for prior user to remove clothes from dryer extended 5 minutes
fall cancelled after 3 billion seasons
theresa may recommits to nhs after receiving stark reminder of abysmal state of u.s. mental health care
someone overdubbed ‘the godfather’ with the ‘donkey kong’ soundtrack and francis ford coppola has vowed revenge
man gets life in order for 36 minutes
get the tissues ready: the next song on this emo album is just a guy’s first name so you know it’s going to be about the lead singer’s friend who died when they were in high school
abortion issue 'most critical of our time,' say tobacco-industry executives
cd club somehow tracks down local woman
blog: lowe’s would again like to remind customers that our tiki torches are exclusively meant for burning american flags
article: unlocking the past: ancestry.com now tells you which of your ancestors were so hot it would’ve been pretty hard to resist committing incest with them
encouraging report from radical extremist think tank finds america no safer since 9/11
banksy hospitalized with third-degree burns after attempting to cash self-destructing check
report: scientists still decades away from deciphering wireless bill
afghanistan war veteran solemnly recalls seeing entire platoon killed by undiagnosed ptsd
justify wakes up next to decapitated head of prized jockey after refusing to throw triple crown
researchers no closer to understanding what the fuck you’re talking about
woman apologizes to therapist for monopolizing conversation
harvard streamlines admission process by directly growing new students from dna of top donors
jealous paul ryan asks legislator with 37% approval rating what his secret is
clickventure: can you defeat the chess computer?
compromising company's values for advertising revenue referred to as 'partnering'
best thing that ever happened to area man yelling at him about socks
man taking unemployment as opportunity to think about how he really wants out of life
woman judges cities solely by their airports
facebook just filled with crazy idiots now
bianchi introduces new bike for blocking commuters on subway during rush hour
houston residents begin surveying damage of 200 years of unchecked worldwide industrialization
snack scientists develop previously unthinkable capacity to stuff cheese inside itself
supreme court mistakenly used belgium's constitution for last 3 rulings
bernie sanders clearly in pocket of high-rolling teacher who donated $300 to his campaign
whoa, vacuum got something pretty big under couch
world rejoices as grumpy cat and her shitty attitude dead forever
knocked-out secret service agents wake to realize jimmy carter loose
film to be made into john grisham
closing of state aviary facilities puts hundreds of mentally ill birds on the streets
woman had no idea participating in 5k walk could be so unrewarding
un unveils design for floating city for 10,000 people
baffling: this woman’s 6-paragraph facebook post about gratitude accompanying a professional headshot of her in a cornfield doesn’t seem to have any kind of big announcement in it
fuming rachel maddow spends entire show just pointing wildly at picture of putin
report: average american feels comfortable in own skin for only 6% of day
new u.s. currency expires if not spent in two weeks
pope francis trains for easter mass by dragging pew loaded with rocks across snow
diamond jubilee marred by drunken queen elizabeth ii encouraging guests to fuck
study links drinking while pregnant to being at kid rock concert
senator's myspace top 8 all corporations
new taco bell menu item ready for testing on humans
majority of parents abuse children, children report
concerned charlize theron fans raise millions for what must be serious medical bills after seeing actress in budweiser ad
windows opened on both coasts in effort to create transcontinental cross-breeze
area bar used to be cool; now lame
nasa launches probe to find, destroy earth-like planet
trump demands investigation into whether clintons gave him non-registry wedding gift in 2005
85-year-old russian stares at cement wall of room
life: if you think your marshmallows are safe from hungry deer just because you sprayed poison on them, then you are making the biggest mistake of your life
girlfriend just wants to have low-key, laid-back valentine's day fight this year
man who jumped motorcycle onto hijacked bullet train never thought he'd see stories like his being told by hollywood
netflix executive unsure how to tell barack obama his series idea just 'fawlty towers'
life: embarrassing: disney has apologized for putting a statue of hugo weaving in its ‘avatar’ theme park because it thought it remembered him being in the movie
video: powerful: a barrel maker is confronted by people whose lives were ruined by his poorly crafted barrels
mlb recommends teams limit amount of screen time for rookies
dancing costumed midgets celebrate death of deng xiaoping
elementary schooler clearly just learned to swear
presidential debate sidetracked by booker, de blasio arguing about best place in lower manhattan to get tapas
lombardi trophy glad it will never come back to minnesota
putting up with dave's shit not in job description
prayers answered by random series of events in cold, uncaring universe
lone superdelegate voting for martin o'malley feels like total fucking idiot
isis struggling to narrow down gop debate sound bites for new recruitment video
america’s middle class is being erased by income inequality like the scientists erased from existence after the clone-otaur changes the past in my screenplay ‘chronotaur 3: hoof of history’
nursing-home residents mate in captivity
woman spends entire date wondering if this the one she'll mace
trump gives intelligence agencies their daily briefing
9 reasons why ’90s girls didn’t feel any particular sexual attraction to zordon
donald trump jr. takes son on hunting trip in national zoo
nation already sick of baseball
period of time in which parents proud of how much child can eat quickly dwindling
study finds every style of parenting produces disturbed, miserable adults
laser pointer aimed toward space in 1997 finally annoying planet 13 light-years away
lego unveils line of playsets commemorating children who choked to death on one of their blocks
nation inspired by bravery of teen just wearing bikini right into mcdonald's
larva celebrates ascent to adulthood with bar-moltzvah
ping-pong rules adjusted for girlfriend
prison warden vows to take away el chapo’s tunnel privileges if captured
incredible: this man reduced gun violence in his community by 80% by moving out
8 years after the gulf coast oil spill and these birds still look like shit
4 episodes of ‘full house’ where uncle jesse explained that most families don’t work like this, and for good reason too because this whole setup is honestly weird
news: devastating: the world’s last remaining male white rhino has died after getting trapped inside a tanning bed
these common household items could kill you if you’re a fucking moron
‘as you can see, they are quite harmless,’ says uber representative guiding detective through warehouse of sleeping autonomous cars
annoying man more annoying after skydiving
christ does soft return to gauge interest
it unclear why thousands of loud, chanting trump supporters gathering outside arena in iowa
nation's joggers sick of finding dead bodies
bird reflects on frailty, impermanence of life after finding dead human on sidewalk
scotland more relaxed when sean connery is away
detective not sure he was close enough to partner to endlessly pursue killer
laptop gets to age when it can be lightly tossed sometimes
new york city abuzz over new resident
man unable to wear nice clothes without everyone asking questions
weird, creepy guy just hanging around same website all day long
military-level operation being planned to get grandma through graduation
life: stepping up: when this man’s brother died, he took it upon himself to discourage his niece’s art career
super bowl confetti made entirely from shredded concussion studies
former marine to watch lots of tv
robbie krieger goes 51 minutes without mentioning jim morrison
man figures he has 2 more bites of roommate's leftovers before it noticeable
area theater has strict rule against bringing in outside movies
the discovery channel is apologizing to its viewers after realizing that the mythbusters were clearly nerds
man’s neuroses really putting genuine compliment through the wringer
video: makeup tutorial: how to have just one super-good eye
man completes life $130,000 over budget
working man proud of job he hates
government closes case on ufos after determining sightings just routine psylandorian patrol ships
i’m kind of ocd about always serving white customers first
license to negotiate: a look back at the covert operations of secretary of state john kerry
tiny ben carson tugs at debate moderator's pant leg
news: shattering the glass ceiling: it is finally acceptable for women to cry at work
area man crawling on ground like pig to plug macbook power cord behind desk
terrorist plot foiled after concert security taps woman's purse
hillary clinton asks college grads to use emojis to describe their feelings on student loan debt
study: every 10 seconds a skyscraper window washer falls to his death
man somehow thinks he doesn't have enough alone time
'true detective' fan develops elaborate theory he will be let down by season finale
officials investigating hugh hefner’s death suspect foreplay
ghost of brando urges man to finish whole cheesecake
woman would have had awesome time aborting fetus if it weren’t for angry protestors screaming outside clinic
supreme court justice benatar orders army to stop using sex as a weapon
life: diversity ftw! this dominican nanny is basically part of the family
fbi tracks down elusive picture-disc version of herb alpert's 'whipped cream and other delights'
guy just totally smoking weed on street
cool: netflix is going to bring back ‘jimmy neutron’ unless someone else has a better idea
dome-home sales somehow manage to dip even lower
yemen unveils new 80-story drone zapper
relationship experts still no closer to discovering what scarlett johansson sees in colin jost
sorry, we couldn’t find anything good: 7 absolutely dogshit facts about robin williams
new comic features aquaman as 45-year-old single father to troubled flounder
woman pays full price for carpet during one-day-only non-sale
high school student whines his way to 4.0 gpa
feminist gamers rejoice: dead or alive 6’s female characters all have huge, jiggling breasts because every woman should feel beautiful
congressman checks in real quick with ethics office to make sure pressing exposed penis against intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment
chinese man worried you can't have respectful debate about how amazing government is anymore
everyone giving up on john after latest movie recommendation
blagojevich claims behavior was just elaborate plan to surprise patrick fitzgerald with senate nomination on his birthday
animal facing extinction in 2003 fucks its way back
alcohol-themed party a success
drooling imbecile rocks back and forth in delight while watching arby’s clap back at burger king on twitter
james holmes shows up to court wearing glasses with eyeballs dangling out on springs
chuck norris fighting for everyone who can't fight back
heartbreaking photos of polar bears who will die before the next ‘metroid prime’ if nintendo doesn’t get their shit together
secretarian violence claims lives of three receptionists
fourth tool discovered
panicked man completely out of things to talk about 5 minutes into marriage
screwing america
man who lost leg to whale decides to let it go
ryan zinke comes out in support of controversial wildfire
report: dad proud of you; he won't say it, but it's true
study finds 79% of statistics now sobering
man who’s only halfway through life can already guess how it’s going to end
area man eats breakfast for dinner in desperate attempt to reinvent his life
stadium crowd unsure when it okay to sit after honoring wwii veteran
the fairy tale ends: cap’n crunch and maxine waters have filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage
new ad urges hipsters to go to applebee's ironically
ben carson showed his humorous side on thursday by pulling a next-level, dad-humor-esqe joke on the media while giving a speech on which he summarized as "getting out our scalpels and making some 'cuts'".
apparently fire marshal wasn't just being a dick
the onions tips for nailing a job interview
report: mom going to need you to pitch in around house after her procedure
world's youngest person born
alcoholic’s plan for turning life around doesn’t involve getting sober
new car already has that old mcdonald’s smell
cancer researchers develop highly promising new pink consumer item
bush disappointed to learn chinese foreign minister doesn't know karate
man who will pay $60,000 in medical bills this year can't afford health insurance right now
prick veterinarian keeps dachshund waiting in empty lobby for 45 minutes
makeshift opinion thrown together from viewpoint currently dominating conversation
scott bakula jumps into mccain's body just before election
life: 5 heaping dollops of mama’s famous greens to make you strong so you can fuck
tim kaine clearly ate rocket pop during pence's rebuttal
geologists unearth fully intact rock
william katt programs own name into tivo
black lives matter organizer explains movement to older white americans using sailing metaphors
dazed marco rubio wakes up in koch compound to find cold metal device installed behind ear
handmade banner that football team runs through before game the closest high school comes to supporting arts
rommel, hummel dominate parents' christmas list
biden lines up sweet summer gig installing above-ground swimming pools
blog: i just turned 27, so i guess it’s time to start describing life as a journey
news: display of might: pizza hut is having all its employees march in formation to show the world their discipline and power
exterminator kind of surprised apartment doesn't have roaches
man removing sweatshirt offers coworkers tantalizing glimpse of bare midriff
smithsonian acquires rare photograph where whole family looks really nice
study: you have hpv
bar table scientists awarded 4-beer grant to complete analysis on why he's not good enough for you
fairness win: the rock and roll hall of fame is removing every musician who used marijuana to help in writing their songs
report finds koch brothers increasingly falling under control of influential, high-powered trillionaire
giants consider drafting quarterback to mentor eli manning
life: body positivity win! pinnacle foods’ ceo just pointed out that mrs. butterworth isn’t exactly what you’d call thin
high school student council passes nonbinding resolution
5 ways isis can reduce its carbon footprint
why can’t i sell any of these fucking bibles?
billions of blessed souls forced to wander earth during heavenly fumigation
internet dating picking up sex voyeur rrpqos
munchstrosity created in frito-layboratory
john bolton warns war with north korea won’t be cakewalk like iraq
‘i look forward to ending my life,’ says assisted suicide advocate before being shot out of cannon at brick wall
god distances self from christian right
creepy older brand clearly targeting female 18-to-24-year-olds
grandmother contracts herpes 5 minutes after checking into nursing home
middle-aged man in gym locker room puts shirt on before underwear
area maggot has urgent news about reincarnation
despondent jeff bezos realizes he'll have to work for 9 seconds to earn back money he lost in divorce
area man puts on some nice pants for once in his life
espn impressed by mark sanchez’s ability to point out football field
comedy central to air touching man show reunion
house inappropriations committee suggests nation's women dress a little sexier
atlantic records sends cease-and-desist order to woman using lizzo's 'juice' as her personal anthem
trump turns on fox news and tells aides to make whatever they're saying a law
man always makes sure to put phone on silent before misplacing it
purina debuts new 'slovenly feast' for nasty-ass shelter cats
‘please guide me in my darkest hour lord,’ prays trump kneeling before portrait of himself
6 things everyone experiences when they go throug... | clickhole
number of users who actually enjoy facebook down to 4 | the onion
federal reserve vice-chairman roger ferguson: hot or not?
orrin hatch mistakenly left dangling in bondage-fetish dungeon
13-year-old drinking prodigy accepted to ohio state
unbelievable: this guy looks so much like danny [clickhole]
little debbie conquers jenny craig in midnight showdown
thwarting of arch nemesis leaves sky commander feeling empty
gop leaders assure sobbing rubio it not his fault party splitting up
clinton says badtz-maru may be his favorite sanrio character
heartbreaking: when this man’s wife gave birth to a baby that looked exactly like him, he realized that she had been having an affair with his twin brother
underfunded school lacks resources to calculate student-to-teacher ratio
fracking industry now largest employer of recent pr graduates
satirical site the onion is now worth more than most of the real news outlets it mocks
mc serch updates list of gas-face recipients
homeless man has no idea what to do with visiting parents
al queda also fed up with ground zero construction delays
susan g. komen president achieves total breast cancer awareness during 3-day ayahuasca retreat
12 shirtless firemen save woman from year of loneliness
great books of western civilization used to accent den
mitch mcconnell wonders if he could’ve done more to harm people in private sector
guy sipping energy drink on subway probably heading off to snowboard in x games or something
panini world cup sticker theft: colombian teacher accused of stealing from pupil to complete own collection
longtime heckler just kind of fell into heckling
mysterious man in parking lot threatens to harm rudy giuliani if he ever blabs about trump’s legal payments again
area woman encouraged by sight of other woman drinking beer alone at airport bar
the average woman: this anthropologist blended thousands of faces and one horse to see what the average american woman looks like
coworker not nearly as fun drunk as originally suspected
biden forges president’s signature on executive order to make december dokken history month
chicago's shedd aquarium admits panda exhibit a ghastly mistake
lustful man sensually uses one hand to unhook clasp of take-out box
family watches in silence as dad checks out waitress
ozzy osbourne bites head off five-pound chocolate rabbit
newborn has father's asshole
huckabee sanders cuts loose during correspondents' dinner with raucous, carefree frown
nation gets really tired all of a sudden
two-faced house guest who didn't need anything suddenly wants glass of water
man running toward departing train must have finally realized he loves her
6 tips for breaking away from routine and living a totally spontaneous life
mom sits down for dinner 3 months after rest of family finishes meal
entire napoleon dynamite plot pieced together through friends' quotes
your republican friend to explain why paul ryan is great choice
breaking: do you think we're doing a good job?
middle-aged woman angrily demanding price check was once carefree youth, onlookers speculate
emergency responders working to dislodge commercial jet from thick, polluted cloud over new delhi
news: cinephiles rejoice! paramount pictures is restoring the sound of loose change jangling in forrest gump’s pockets while he runs!
video: the kindness of strangers: when this man’s car broke down in the middle of nowhere, a kind old couple pulled over to make out with him
‘holy shit, the government owes me 50 million dollars,’ reports man incorrectly filling out his taxes
job placement service helps students who fail out of dad's alma mater find work at dad's company
burger king introduces new thing to throw in front of kids after another hellish day at work
still too early to tell if pulling chain turned overhead fan off
world's leading scientists nervously stand next to poster-board displays as nobel committee walks through gymnasium
nation's tourists announce plans to form circle, clap hands around guys doing flips and stuff
george r.r. martin promises fans 'the winds of winter' is nearly started
coy 'dexter' producers hint at 'huge plot holes' in season finale
wendell pierce assaults bernie sanders supporter even though the wire is so good, you guys
why foie gras should be a staple of your child’s daily diet
war-torn, blood-soaked kosovo: would bombing it help?
as an ice agent, the best part of my job is getting to work with children
naacp issues travel warning for black americans visiting own backyards
biologists unveil new taxonomic system classifying species by hotness
new co-worker seems like nice enough guy
the onion book of known knowledge - discussion!
merv griffin leaves lifetime supply of jiffy pop to charity
‘space jam 2’ taps mahershala ali to play lebron james
bored god tries to fit all of jupiter in mouth
‘new york times’ rehires judith miller to cover escalating iran tensions
mta unveils new designated seating for commuters who look like they’re about to snap
pope spends afternoon filling in glory holes all over st. peter's basilica
blagojevich just getting started
gary cohn resigns in protest of trump’s bigoted comments towards aluminum
sales of chamomile tea, gas masks up sharply
jukebox pretending oasis cd too scratched to play
men's wearhouse introduces clip-on trousers for guys who never learned how to put on pants
‘voila,’ yells exhausted lady gaga during 149th consecutive costume change as met visitors gingerly step over her
dorito-factory employee can't get cool-ranch smell out of clothes
raving maniac just saying what everyone wants to hear
area man purchases the devil's advocate on dvd for some reason
man only buys products made right here in the usa by cheap immigrant labor
stephen baldwin's personal assistant promoted to stephen baldwin
house of blues opens drive-thru window
u.s. life expectancy falls for first time in 23 years
parenting win! the nba is attaching diaper changing tables to all of its backboards!
lester holt fills in for brian williams during family's nightly dinner
wife dropping hints she ready to have second husband
croatian prime minister currently stuck under pile of turnips
audience calls candidates back on stage for debate encore
area man can't remember whether he rented mimic or the relic
efficiency win! all the major fried chicken chains have collectively agreed to start selling fried pelican instead of chicken because they can just find pelicans for free outside
martini, rossi slain by anti-spumanti extremists
coast guard drags decoy boca raton into middle of ocean in attempt to lure away hurricane irma
internet crashes as billions of people go online to purchase the onion's latest book, 'the trump leaks'
neil degrasse tyson lets slip that he's been to mars
how america can become less divided by increasing the number of murals of people holding hands
michelle obama powers through another day of doing half-assed jumping jacks in middle school gym
trump motorcade picks up few lyft passengers to help president make ends meet
tucker carlson angrily explains difference between good baby and bad baby
smiley scrubbing bubbles devour area child
zogby poll: john zogby coolest dude in america
giants fan visiting philadelphia feels betrayed by bud light ad for eagles
owners of google hope to parlay world's most popular website into book deal
new study finds americans are living too long
pueblo indians can't keep pace with area mom's appetite for earthenware
hot hot hollywood: jojo siwa and ken bone have agreed that if they’re still single in 300 years they will both marry martin short
larry king's frothing saliva hosed off bette midler
report: mueller investigation nearly done with first day of trump campaign
area man clearly came to redbox machine without any game plan
redskins kike owner refuses to change team's offensive name.
they might be giants behind the music episode lacks sex, drugs
nyc health department cracks down on food vendors who fail to wipe off meat with rag
gold bracelet picked up at pharmacy
mother's day card mailed
news: market upheaval: experts have blamed the toys ‘r’ us bankruptcy on kids’ interests shifting from toys to an insatiable desire for outdated road atlases
guy at bank has weird hair for guy who works at bank
bush tearfully addresses nation after watching field of dreams
heaven installs spikes to keep cherubs from shitting on st. peter's gate
serena williams fined $2000 for eating chair umpire
pretentious woman refers to slam piece as 'partner'
study: all american problems could be solved by just stopping and thinking for two seconds
outkast universally accepted
newlywed couple looks so deeply in debt
construction union seeks to reduce incidence of accidents involving babies crawling on steel i-beams
publicist confirms komodo dragon from 'skyfall' pregnant
novelty welcome mat lets party guests know they're in for some fun
area man finally sees enough images of bare breasts for entire lifetime
business owners try to remove all voters from business district, but they forgot one college student
pros and cons of weighted blankets
local woman considers telling gynecologist whole truth
man wastes no time masturbating while roommate gone for weekend
mlk's family urges nation to spend anniversary of his death twisting his words to fit own political agendas
report: mom and dad's house starting to smell like grandma and grandpa's house
pakistani boy, u.s. drone form unlikely friendship
neil gorsuch vows to interpret constitution using scalia's original intent
kissinger instructs palin on finer points of clandestine carpet bombing
53-inch child thrown from roller coaster regrets nothing
efficiency win! the dalai lama has announced that his dentist’s 30-year-old son is the reincarnation of him and should just take over as dalai lama after he dies
the media: are they media-obsessed?
woman sensitive about that thing on her face
historical archives: secret society of free-bakers has fail'd to gain influence
maybelline introduces line of injectable makeup to enhance appearance of internal organs
weakling president asks imaginary man in sky to bless nation
teacher just hopes they never google him
new carpet cleaner safe for pets that were meant to go on living
minnie driver optioned by harrison ford
life: boy billionaire caspian rutherford’s 6 secrets to driving the nanny mad so you can get a day with mum mum
puppy love leads to human baby
video: what happens to our bodies when we’re fucking?
internet jokester strikes again
rotation of earth plunges entire north american continent into darkness
furious meghan markle can't believe harry hasn't told family she's black yet
new york family man latest victim of nation's misguided war on tax evasion, perjury, campaign finance violations
panicked oyster praying that lump it feels forming only a pearl
clinton sold
life: incredible: this man is severely depressed despite being dressed in head-to-toe tommy bahama
fully gentrified neighborhood all cheese shops
area woman thinks she could live in city she's visiting
nintendo announces that ‘super mario maker 2’ will finally let users build a synagogue so mario can get bar mitzvahed
report: girlfriend probably reading some book called 'the midwife's promise'
world bank forecloses on world farm
recruiter saw your background in computer science and thought maybe you'd be interested in working part-time at a kohl's in sioux city
if you’re reading this, i’m already gone
morbidly curious nation wondering how far obama's appearance will deteriorate in 2 years
god humbled to be the answer to ‘jeopardy!’ clue
bush's approval rating of other americans also at all-time low
life: beautiful: this christian became best friends with a muslim and they had a nice thing going until they just stopped keeping in touch
friend gearing up to hate the hulk
cat prepares for anal display in owner's face
man nostalgic for simpler era of 20 hours ago
dog costumed to create illusion of sports-team preference
which character from 'the office' are you?
man knows in reality marrying minnie mouse wouldn't be as perfect as he imagines
pulitzer feeling increasingly out of place in washington post office
goodwill executives arrested after years of skimming donated goods off top
only news source man trusts has logo of eyeball in crosshairs
secretary of the interior meekly asks if there anything she can do to help stop isis
santa signs legislation to help special-wants children
country music protested in restaurant's kitchen
christmas tree still sitting on curb outside rockefeller center
college's new careerlink program connects students with thousands of annoyed alums
raytheon unveils military robot capable of composing poignant poems about horrors of war
poll finds 23% of americans would vote for jeb bush if candidate standing right next to them in voting booth
trump spends entire classified national security briefing asking about ​egyptian ​mummies
chris paul encourages local youths to stay out of foul trouble
new school shooter drill includes practicing pleas to lawmakers to do something about this
mortified tampax ceo bursts into tears and runs out of boardroom after tampon falls out of briefcase
everything better now in oklahoma city
man pissed after becoming trapped in macy's thanksgiving day parade while out walking giant pikachu balloon
atonal composers gather for atony awards
trump vows to leave a better afghanistan for nation's grandchildren to fight in
rumsfeld sick of jokes about his fat girlfriend
those we lost in 2011
restaurant, staff patronized
valiant fact-checkers once again save american political system from descending into corruption
god getting strong urge to bring back dinosaurs
man suddenly realizes he was duped by commercial's romanticized vision of canned beans
hog executed farmland style
publicist worried kanye west's support of trump will damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic self-absorbed lunatic
san diego zoo displays first rhino stillborn in captivity
cabal of handsome male celebrities agrees to continue withholding baldness cure from public and jude law
trump: 'i remember flying the plane that bombed the uss arizona during pearl harbor'
new roommate hopes five-hour fuckfest didn't keep you up
news: changing strategies: golden grahams is rebranding itself as a cereal exclusively for people who are grieving
only adult left in trump administration named 'mad dog'
voter turnout reaches all-time low of 17
'twas hubris led me here,' thinks naked woman sitting on public toilet with romper around her ankles
the onion’s holiday gift guide for kids
american voices: christine blasey ford testifies on sexual assault allegations against brett kavanaugh
denver's flaming skull mayor announces plans to decriminalize magic mushrooms
45-year-old loser moves in with parents
magazine correctly judged by its cover
bananas again sweep primates' choice awards
open mic host asks audience to keep pathetic smattering of applause going for next performer
intel unveils oversized novelty processor
democratic senator strides down corridors of powerlessness
empty ‘about us’ page leaves chinese buffet’s origins shrouded in mystery
nation’s optimists need to shut the fuck up right now
area dad suspicious of car parked across street
new study finds people who sit for at least 5 hours each day are comfier
kavanaugh starting to get worried about not hearing back after job interview
nation's sexual degenerates impatient for gay marriage slippery slope to kick in
cambridge analytica offers 75% off all facebook user data for blowout closing sale
hot wheels ranked number one toy for rolling down ramp, knocking over dominoes that send marble down a funnel (cont.)
grown man refers to map at beginning of novel to find out where ruined castle of arnoth is located
now you can see into your future. and it's pretty darn scary.
harrison ford begs agents to just let him die now
area man could eat
man dying from cancer spends last good day on phone with insurance company
people open up about how they started believing in god after finding a big bag of laundry in a barn
christ to wed longtime backup singer
fun-loving turtle all business when it's feeding time
cassini probe realizes too late this was a setup all along
mama duck doesn’t recall asking for injured baby to be rescued from road
god angrily clarifies "don't kill" rule
major disappointment: this little boy wanted spongebob squarepants at his birthday party, but his parents could only find a square man who claims that he lives in the ocean
rising star john kerry's stirring speech paves way for 2016 presidential run
deceitful woman deviously alters appearance to give illusion of youth, fertility
aerosol can surprisingly upfront about giving you cancer
heartbreaking: this student using both of her arms to shield her test has no idea she’s one of the dumbest kids in class
life: out of control: 5 times wimbledon had to be canceled after the ball boys and ball girls adopted a pack mentality
must see: collectors rejoice: petsmart is bringing back the ‘big box of animals’ with 7 mystery animals including 1 guaranteed classic
hundreds of cuban refugees clinging to air force one on flight back to u.s.
at times like this, we need to pull ourselves up, hold our loved ones close, block any legislation that would prevent suspected terrorists from buying guns, and say a prayer for the victims
life: 7 of my most prized t-shirts that no longer make sense if mother teresa is a saint
tearful meghan mccain opens up about father’s dying wish that she be given her own daytime talk show
different waitress brings order
ejected little league coach forced to stand on other side of chain link fence until game over
budget talks dreadlocked
mitt romney graciously accepts thing he has paid millions of dollars for
'modern family' appears at 9 p.m. just as prophesied in 'tv guide'
trump welcomes jefferson davis statue as special state of the union guest
man leaves position he would kill for 3 years from now to pursue dream job
all of child's fondest memories times when dad trying to make up for things
area russian to hug you
scientists genetically engineer lab rat predisposed to think anything wrong with it might be cancer
white house increases number of asylum seekers allowed to enter spike-filled refugee compactor
the onion to launch clickhole.com to satirize viral sites buzzfeed and upworthy
gerbil running late will have to eat her babies on the go
autopsy determines total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs, alcohol
lost jack london manuscript, 'the doggy,' found
big ben set 15 minutes ahead to give london a little extra time in the morning
life: 6 signs you were the favorite child
baby jesus stolen from live nativity
marriage going to be hard to go back to on monday
4 times shaquille o’neal tried to use the fact that he is tall to get out of paying at bed bath & beyond
letter from employer thankfully omits balls-copying incident
eric holder loads ipod with ap phone conversations for morning commute
new roommate excited to bring robust puttering experience to apartment
bank of america introduces new existential rewards credit card program
reddi-wip casually announces their nozzles can easily fit into most orifices
schwarzenegger elected first horseman of the apocalypse
scientists pinpoint age of moon
don’t tell me it’s cool that i broke your drinking glass. i already knew that.
breitbart criticized for publishing humanizing profile of libtard beta-cuck
jury finds defendant pretty
news: doing his part: to support the high school students walking out today, logan paul has postponed his epic school-shooter prank
party not big enough to move out of kitchen yet
national filmstrip board calls for quiet
serta wholesaler lets customers cut their own length of mattress
‘again, again, again!’ exclaims clapping, grinning trump after sixth time watching abu bakr al-baghdadi death video
area man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much isis has accomplished this year
temp replaced with cheaper temp
70i found your photos here! how do i remove it70
sharper image vows 'we will be undersold'
area man could have made same meal at home but worse
history channel admits to profiting from nazi documentaries
here’s everything we know so far about ‘super mario 64’
'expect delays' signs placed randomly throughout nation
trump boys counter chinese currency manipulation by adding extra zeros to $20 bills
huge lottery jackpot tempting all but the most rational
nation's debate viewers disgusted with selves after connecting with mitt romney
report: more recent college graduates making extra money by tutoring high school teachers
this internet theory suggests all pixar fans live in the same universe
weird relative at family reunion knows how everyone related to each other
dunkin’ donuts signs 10-year partnership to be exclusive food vendor of united states
'men are not oppressed,' says woman who has no idea what it like to take two whole escalators to get to your clothing section at zara
schwarzenegger running out of movie-related campaign slogans
report: human bones found on remote pacific island most likely remains of those eaten by amelia earhart
marine biologists reveal that majority of world’s oceans remain boring as shit
family cell-phone plan area family's closest bond
donald trump's campaign: myth vs. fact
why i stopped watching porn and so should you | clickhole
you would do the same thing if an old witch had your father’s soul trapped in a lantern
government bails  out dow jones with 10,000 points
doj announces initiative to deploy smartphone-carrying bystanders to nation's streets
supreme court on gay marriage: 'sure, who cares'
obama praises own strength, resilience in face of hardship during state of the union
the onion looks back at the first 100 days and 10 plagues of the trump administration
report: nazi treasure hunters following more realistic retirement plan than 86% of country
cool 'cybergranny' needs machines to help her live
new diet surge targets overweight snowboarders
bill clinton resting up to sit upright at next debate
underprotective father demands daughter arrive home by 10 a.m.
president urges calm, restraint among nation's ballad singers
report: getting out of bed in morning sharply increases risk of things getting even worse
heartwarming: when chris evans heard a fan had terminal cancer, he killed himself so they could hang out in heaven
nation can't wait to wake up and start eating again
poll: 96% of bands looking for slightly better drummer
jeb bush assures pipe-wielding thugs he’ll have the delegates he promised them by next week
plastic surgeon has leathery wife
creepy one-word text message from mom could mean anything
friend's wife reportedly very funny
birthday wish wasted on trying to bring dad back
raccoon crushed to death by garbage truck hits jackpot with reincarnation
sanders impresses florida voters by jumping from hotel balcony into pool
man's whole job undoing handiwork of self-checkout machine
houston residents admit world series win won’t heal hurricane-ravaged city as much as super bowl win would
beyond the brink: how the israeli occupation has made it impossible for palestinians to score drugs
jock scientists identify gay gene in fellow researcher carl (funny)
list of names on gchat sidebar like a portal into area man'€™s past lives
staples adds 'staff picks' section
national dialogue dusted off
single 34-year-old man hasn't said full sentence aloud outside work hours in past 3 months
work life, personal life both spent desperately trying to appeal to women 18 to 34
queen elizabeth unnerved by stephen miller's requests to sample royal baby
report: national average now 604
ted cruz boldly declares nation not deserving of better candidate
7 things i lifted with my adrenaline rush instead of the car that was crushing my son
mit scientists perfect $30 million love tester
increasing number of men pressured to accept realistic standards of female beauty
baby put on phone told her parents hate her
dad's tough exterior hides angry, resentful center
6 things no one tells you about moving in together
step right up and feast your eyes on the unfathomable comey, the man who is both good and bad! the beautiful monster who makes resisters’ minds spin! betrayer of hillary! enemy of trump! behold this freak of nature!
church masses going wild over catchy new gregorian chant
life: serendipity: this man made up an entire personality for his regular barista, and she’s perfect for him
webmd doesn't know how to tell you this
4 times on ‘friends’ when they really made the laughing launch out of our mouths
42 million dead in bloodiest black friday weekend on record
article: keeping america healthy: mitch mcconnell is pushing to replace the affordable care act with his easy 20-minute ab-blasting bodyweight workout
report: there only 17 total square miles on earth where gays not discriminated against
saddam enrages bush with full compliance
music buff pissed ‘come josephine in my flying machine’ left off pitchfork’s ‘best of the 1910s’ list
bolivia joins dopec
albanian village bombed forward into stone age
report: re-mixxxx!
boss has deft touch for making employees feel like shit | the onion - america's finest news source
'support small business' demands sign in window of boutique open five hours a day, three days a week
poll: majority of americans still remember where they were when gandalf fell into abyss
devin nunes files lawsuit against parents for derailing russia investigation by giving birth to total dud
'new york times' publisher reveals asking trump to decrease anti-media rhetoric except against those fuckers at 'the washington post'
study finds exposure to violent children causes increased aggression in video game characters
video: deeply moving: this man eats one ruffle for each person who died on kilimanjaro this year
marco rubio climbs over garden wall for forbidden midnight meeting with super pac
exasperated shark can't believe it traveled 3 miles for single drop of blood
cnn anchors speechless after guest goes on long, coherent thought
new prisoner recognized from 'scared straight' visit
psychopath joins fourth straight republican administration
top cute
ray charles signs def leppard album
michelle obama seen outside walking family rhinoceros
urban outfitters introducing clothing rental service
area dad off to bad start with waitress
english teacher on first date in ages lets dangling modifier slide
study: more children growing up in single-parrot households
toddler adjusting to society after serving 2-minute timeout
new product can do all that, more
king of queens creator thinks everyone's ripping him off
jogging-suit shortage threatens nation's seniors
scientists close to developing life-saving vaccine that they can rub in faces of their doubters
all the cheapest items on wedding registry already purchased
heartbreaking: this woman is always there for her friends but gives god-awful advice
autopsy reveals subject was still alive when autopsy began
warden scrambling to find ways to punish striking inmates worse than their typical living conditions
man’s garbage to have much more significant effect on planet than he will
mandatory unisex golden globes uniforms keep focus on stars' work
scientists discover dangerous link between book learnin', back talk
jealous god wants area man's '69 charger
study: 38 percent of people not actually entitled to their opinion
neither the time nor place: this girl wrote that she and her boyfriend have had their ups and downs in the caption of the instagram she posted for his birthday
what the mainstream media won’t tell you: 17 years ago, radical islamic terrorists crashed airplanes into the world trade center, killing thousands of hardworking americans
vocalist leaves journey tribute band over creative differences
area man has naked-lady fetish
media ignores cancer struggle of champion unicyclist
gene wilder to make horrible, horrible movie
marc summers realizes police will immediately look for body in giant pile of mashed potatoes
sable & rosenfeld launches ad campaign rebranding their cocktail onions as gamer fuel
frustrated man doesn't know what else he can do to get cat purring
teen reports saturday night live has sucked since chris kattan left
rock song takes pro-rock stance
man’s anxiety not about to let depression muscle in on turf
aquarium touch tank lets kids pet water in natural environment
bold new policy: the epa just announced that if squirrels can’t hack it, they don’t deserve our protection
life: look, by now we’ve all seen pictures of mountain goats on incredibly steep inclines so don’t complain when these 6 photos don’t blow you away
congress raises killing age to 19
lab partner wants to be sex partner
‘that’s it? what the heck was that?’ says dad in scorched-earth review of movie you suggested family watch together
maple tree wishes it was given a say in becoming memorial to man's dead wife
company immediately calls job applicant upon seeing 'b.a. in communications' on résumé
single, unemployed mother leeching off government
woman relieved soulmate turned out to be in same socioeconomic bracket
bush to nominate next person who walks through door
man receives first baboon-face transplant
blog: men, stop telling women to calm down and swim perpendicular to the riptide
paul ryan awaiting soulcycle instructor's approval before accepting speaker role
life: ‘stranger things’ fans, wean yourself off ’80s nostalgia with pictures of these ’80s microwaves
cranky businessman quieted for entire trip with brightly colored cell phone game
third-grader prays  massive deficit coupled with decreased tax base causes district-wide school  closings tomorrow
daddy hitting mommy with a chair this time
banking reform measure prevents chick-fil-a from calling itself a bank
john kelly explains to furious trump that gold star widow cannot be demoted to silver star widow
haunted hayride makes extra-spooky turn onto interstate
nutritionists report they wouldn’t have to figure out which foods were bad for you if americans just ate normal for once
apparently facebook friend under impression ron paul still running for major federal office
'you are donald trump, 45th president of the united states,' trump reads from faded tattoo on wrist
breaking: flight attendant currently attempting to pass cup of cranberry juice over your laptop
scientists receive $10 million grant to melt stuff
report: 96% of nation's smut consumed by filthiest 1%
new rnc ad endorses roy moore: 'he's a scumbag, but he's our scumbag'
mom sent on fact-finding mission to read what parking sign down street says
trump confident u.s. military strike on syria wiped out russian scandal
office exiles menstruating hr manager
rash of high-speed chases threatens local fruit stand
miley cyrus apologizes for breasts
font too small
fbi: six dead not really 'mass' murder
s attention! on this site a lot-of people who want to find a sexy adventure! s
hospital paperwork reduces man's reading comprehension to first-grade level
johnsville, il, renamed walmart #11717
department of interior to control rising mole population by releasing mallets into national parks
these hedgehogs are fine, but might we suggest some hedgehogs for the more discerning visitor?
jared kushner quietly transfers 'solve middle east crisis' to next week's to-do list
young couple hasn't yet realized they don't have to do grocery shopping, laundry together
quiet guy mistaken for nice guy
nation urged to be extra sensitive to men reliving trauma of not getting something
new madonna album hailed as available for purchase
obama sleeping with louisville slugger under bed now
halloweiner frankfest 2013 poster now relic of time long gone
4-year-old shows new doll the ropes
2012 marvel handbook casually reveals peter parker uncircumcised
meg white drum solo maintains steady beat for 23 minutes
gore excited after seeing self on tv
open-minded voter waits almost 5 minutes into debate to decide who won
study: men who are nice to women may be ‘benevolent sexists’
astronomers caution americans not to look directly at screaming spirits of the damned during solar eclipse
ira, hamas sweep 1990 bombie awards
parents' password a grotesque combination of children's names, birthdays
‘are you the whistleblower?’ trump boys ask white house janitor after giving him serum of all the sodas mixed together
unclear if store called 'casa spazio' sells leather sofas or pizzas
direct marketer offended by term 'junk mail'
tommy chong releases smokemojis for the seventh-grader on the go
'hurry, there's a violent black woman attacking my daughter,' says cindy mccain to police while watching 'the view'
i will help you relax and forget. online video chat. free registration. 2zuwprvpu9
man just wants to come home, hear lindsay lohan made fun of, get some sleep
mueller annoyed by chipper, overeager adam schiff constantly sending him evidence he's already uncovered
chinese citizens kind of grateful to not have access to all of internet
k7go to mek7
distraught man still finding painful reminders of long-gone hoagie around apartment
nuclear-bomb instructions found in pentagon
jaded seismologist can no longer feel anything under 7.0 on richter scale
middle east crisis traced to trouble-making genie
the onion looks back at 'antichrist'
report: thinking about way you look all the time burns 5,000 calories an hour
movie deemed acceptable for mom and dad
news: an emotional farewell: barack obama is halfway through his 4-hour slideshow of all the jigsaw puzzles he completed as president
man with 20 rifles can't remember if his goal to start or stop violent overthrow of government
trump in possible trouble for tweets
gop strips steve king of post on powerful house segregation committee
passersby can't help but stare at woman's huge kids
[theonion] base profiles unmarried women age 23 online. the base is available only 2 hours. id:doolitsdts
acid attack victim shows how to get perfect red lips
katy perry is 2015’s highest-paid mouth-noise person
an oldie but an absolute goodie. one of my all time favorites deserves some respect
vindman says ukraine transcript left out lengthy sections of trump bragging about time he was in pizza hut commercial
nostalgic memories of land of the lost ruined in dvd release
kim jong-il doesn't know how he keeps winning lottery
new evidence suggests last ice age caused by earth floating into extremely chilly part of galaxy | the onion
man who crossed us in balloon only talks about horse abuse
greyhound now charging customers $15 fee to vomit in aisle
vigilante judge takes law into own hands
woody harrelson wears pajamas to premiere, like he gives a shit, he was on cheers - starwipe
exclusive tsa pre-check allows passengers to fly without waiting for airplane
gop makes good on 2009 promise to block president's healthcare bill
police continue search for missing gunman
tom clancy's death hits cincinnati airport hudson news cashier pretty hard
insane man gets a little perspective by reminding himself that he is god
‘twas hubris led me here,’ thinks naked woman sitting on public toilet with romper around her ankles
lady gaga kidnaps commissioner gordon
chinese takeout restaurant has seen man at his worst
the arguments for and against capital punishment
historical archives: civil war pre-enactors have stage'd "battle of bull run"
boyfriend forced to express secondhand outrage
news: incredibly kind: harry styles has gained 800 pounds so that fans at his concerts can see him better
melania idly wonders if she would get heads-up about nuclear missile headed toward new york
they said what?!: find out what vin scully, jillian michaels, and emma watson have to say
quiz: did you wait long enough after your entire bowling team died before you started bowling again?
horse-race announcer clearly had money on 'little dancer'
new law gives french workers ‘right to disconnect’
i’m tired of these punks coming through my neighborhood blasting their late-1990s, ghettotech, dj godfather–inflected hip-hop
russian lawyer admits to repeatedly informing kremlin of trump campaign's ineptitude
bugs infesting area apartment have no clear goal
steve buscemi to make surprise guest appearance in this article
smart aleck ruins academy awards
town hall audience gives amy klobuchar standing ovation as she lifts chris cuomo up by throat
dying lion sure doesn’t feel as though he’s completing some great cosmic circle
gm announces money saved from layoffs to fund massive investment in lake homes, private jets
peterson given lifetime channel sentence
congress passes natural disaster digital-enhancement funding
architect presents obama with generic options for war memorial that could work for syria, libya, yemen
proposed legislation would require airline seats meet federal ass standards
14-word diet stretched to 200 pages
life: this plus-size model was inspiring. but then she lost 100 pounds, which was… also inspiring? even though she was already perfect before? but she is also perfect now?
frat brothers draw all over pledge who passed away at party
ingenious political analyst points out irony of melania trump speaking out against cyber bullying when her husband donald trump
disneyland turns 60: a look back
top prom trends for 2015
ohio state uses t-shirt blaster to pass out diplomas
unusually level-headed, charismatic lichen species named after obama
mega millions winner announces plans to lose touch with who they really are, become lost in soulless, gilded catacombs of sudden unearned wealth
area woman decides not to post facebook status that would have tipped gun control debate
dad receives advance intelligence on visiting son's new eyeliner
either jay leno a repeat or p. diddy got arrested again
antarctic observational comic running out of ideas
corn lobby tightens the screws
white house flag now moving minute to minute to indicate trump’s mood
which ncaa tournament team will struggle most with the pressure of playing under fbi surveillance?
chinese graduate student pursues master's in political silence
toilet-paper edge given classy appearance with triangular fold
mom saw a bunch of photos from women's march online
mcdonald's announces new spearmint after-dinner big mac
quiz: take a dive: if you throw this ‘rocket power’ quiz, we both stand to make a lot of money
k-pop group bts excited for first american tour since 1963 appearance on 'ed sullivan'
ford assembly line foreman thinking about asking out cute welding robot from work
life: 7 types of virgins that are so obnoxious you honestly feel like kind of a dick sacrificing them to gator god
sexist pig has no idea when team usa playing nigeria
'i was the one who slept with stormy daniels,' says sonny perdue in desperate attempt to serve as trump's fall guy
thursday cry moved up to wednesday due to scheduling conflict
woman going to take quick break after filling out name, address on tax forms
gun used to kill man in city
stealing tampons from office bathroom currently woman’s only source of joy
man reminisces about innocent comforts of previous video game level
family worried where grandma going with conversation on low-income housing
quiz: how badly are you ripping off the city of des moines?
the president of vice | ‘the onion’ looks back on eight years of killer tuneage, knocking back tallboys, and hunting for trim with the most buck-fucking-wild hombre to ever work in the white house.
motorcyclist who identifies as bicyclist sets world cycling record
'the onion' is canceling our 15-second web video featuring kevin spacey
hostage negotiation talks stall in congress
home homosexuality test now available
ex-boyfriend just thought he’d check in and throw your entire day off
man always three ingredients away from making pancakes
charles durning hocks up four-pound chunk of phlegm
korean pop group bts shakes up lineup by adding really old guy
dip good
silvio berlusconi gets penis stuck in wine bottle stuck in prostitute
header image
disney ceo figures they’ve built up enough goodwill to do a real sexist one | the onion
kanye west says slavery was a choice
blog: i don’t let my children have smartphones because that would make it harder for me to make them believe i killed osama bin laden
dick cheney vice presidential library opens in pitch-dark, sulfurous underground cave
'jeopardy!' bans obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for show
video: ‘i didn’t ask for this’: meet the man who has osama bin laden’s old cell phone number
desperate chives marketing board launches 'big bowl o' chives in the mornin'' campaign
mike pence struggling to reckon with vision of prophet muhammad revealing that vp destined to become next president
nation’s liberals not sure what to think after hearing special counsel has waterboarded every suspect in trump investigation
5 million illegal immigrants to realize dreams of having deportation deferred
voice inside cheering libyan rebel's head: 'oh, fuck, now what?'
army commander depressed after reading facebook comments on latest raid
jack lalanne pops back up after cool down
after charlie hebdo's attack
obama visits kindergarten to read class 200-page memorandum on health care
met janitors hurrying to remove crucified katy perry from museum lobby
astronomers discover extremely graphic galaxy
journey of self-discovery leads man to realization he doesn't care
dog dumped by roadside with her dead puppies in a bag 'had tears in her eyes'
dutch anti-defamation league closes
family knows not to interrupt dad while he's skimming pool, listening to orioles radio broadcast
'the office' ends as documentary crew gets all the footage it needs
scott walker changes locks on wisconsin governor's office
july 21, 1969
michele bachmann thankful no americans died in sikh shooting
'elle' magazine accidentally airbrushes naomi watts out of cover altogether
god damns minnesota vikings as requested
they said what?!: find out what wolfgang puck, surgeon general jerome adams, and cynthia nixon have to say
showers with girlfriend increasingly cleansing-focused
cbs sitcoms under fire for using prison laughter
this first time area man hearing about daughter dating george zimmerman
'c'mon, c'mon,' says matt damon desperately searching for own name on list of imdb user dolphinsoul60's top 100 actors
er doctor excitedly tells wife he got to use shock paddle thing today
tour guide always builds in 10 minutes for everyone in group to mount cannon like horse
university admits it pretty weird they let bunch of 20-year-olds live in big mansion and torture each other
police assure residents kidnapping was only one of those custody-related ones
reggie white to host fox's when atheletes talk
police: student had embarrassingly bad plans for school shooting
first report on long-term effects of breakdancing released
saudi authorities decry wasteful 3-hour death-row appeals process
nation finds solace in knowledge candidates taking years off own lives by running for president
months of painstaking practice critiquing celebrity fashion comes down to this for area woman
u.s. still enjoying small but loyal following
investigative reporter ruins fish sticks for everybody
heaven slides to sixth place in annual quality of afterlife rankings
restaurant hostess loses job to ‘please seat yourself’ sign
embarrassed comcast ceo just tells people he does digital media stuff
blood drains from mueller's face after realizing russia investigation might go all the way to white house
the problem with ‘the flash’: why doesn’t flash run to italy for pasta every meal?
life: did ‘sesame street’ go too far when it taught kids about feminine hygiene by having grover die of toxic shock syndrome?
god clarifies that he still hates cleveland fans despite cavaliers championship
new ketchup gets horrifying look at grisled, almost empty bottle it replacing
congress approves $540 million for evil
only person who ever truly saw world for what it is starts antidepressant medication
waitress who took over at table just doesn’t have same spark as richard
mood of sex dungeon undercut by sight of plug-in air freshener
eddie murphy fucks self for $20 million
pope francis washes feet of phillie phanatic
biological life regrets waiting 2.3 billion years to try sex
royal baby speaks first words
man forced to come up with 45 seconds of facial expressions while waitress lists off specials
exciting new app allows users to be pawns in 26-year-old ceo’s little game
you can tell area bank used to be a pizza hut
obituary cites teen's love of music, cars
get ready to key his car: 5 signs your boyfriend is constipated behind your back
nurse being treated for ebola impressed with health workers' new gear
rick moranis said what?!
weebs now have the right to conceal carry within vr chat
woman with low self-esteem boosts area man's self-esteem
dad frees up entire day to spend on quality father-grill bonding time
fisher-price recalls dangerous 30-foot-tall high chair
child slavery gives area activist something to do with her evenings
news: cashing in: michael phelps is releasing an album with sounds of him swimming around in the pool
trump thanks united nations for inviting him to their country
tom hanks and some lady talk about women being marginalized in hollywood
gop debate stage manager pulls ladies' podium out of storage for carly fiorina
oxycontin maker criticized for new 'it gets you high' campaign
can you really justify wanting to have sex with your mom?
bob iger: at disney, we live every day in terror that you'll turn on superhero movies
parents surprised cruel teen daughter hasn't pushed classmate to breaking point yet
study finds cats only meow when they want to alert owner of neighbor’s murder they witnessed through window
‘i’m not really looking to date right now,’ says man, as if he not at mercy of love’s powerful, mysterious ways
college unveils new media center every month
pr firm advises u.s. to cut ties with alabama
out-of-control scott walker injured after wildly careening between stances on immigration
miss nude america loses title after appearing clothed in woman's day
new study finds majority of god’s blessings burn up on entry into atmosphere
browns draft first overall out of habit
suburbanite shocked by poor condition of urban mall
ben roethlisberger assures women of pittsburgh he not done yet
yankees fans pack stadium for asshole heritage night
young girl provides home for stray bullet
man not accepting any more television recommendations at this time
ducks only interested in man's bread
great, daughter measuring self-worth against some 13-year-old named skyla now
nba ref petrified after seeing depiction of own death while looking under replay hood
floor plan of retirement community 90% defibrillator locations
english professor suddenly realizes students will believe literally anything she says
we put a gopro on a sparrow
god sick of new angel’s annoying fucking voice
life: 7 ways a single riled-up elk could completely reshape this election before november
report: watching episode of 'downton abbey' counts as reading book
delusional man somehow thinks he's going to get oscar nomination
4 out of 5 texas dentists advocate the death penalty
this site likely coontains sex1ually expliicit photos of someone you know! khm..saag
megachurch threatened by new ultrachurch
financial experts say stock market constantly plunging, reaching record highs leading indicator of healthy economy
trouble again in tv's africa
dnc takes out full-page ad thanking alabama’s working-class white voters
cashier learning valuable but illegal job skills
nelly reiterates sex-liking stance
2-hour meeting spent thinking up hashtag absolutely nobody on planet earth will ever use
new evidence suggests middle east conflict predates all human civilization
vatican forced to revoke dozens of sainthoods after discovering miracles performed with eldritch magic
john roberts delivers finishing blow to stephen breyer to defend title of chief justice
man has absolutely no clue how old anyone he knows is
patrick stewart spends morning shaving beautiful golden locks that grow on head every night
kansas changes spelling of name to 'cannsas'; 'it looks cooler that way,' governor says
podiatrist a jerk
home inspector warns that house lacks banister you can slide all the way down
all of child’s fondest memories times when dad trying to make up for things
eddie bauer announces new line of brown clothes
what a relief! the only thing that matters is love!
report: whoa, last person on treadmill ran 8 miles
nation's moms dance nude around moonlit bonfire to conjure spirit of emma thompson
cash-strapped npr launches 'a couple things considered'
point in evening reached where everyone tries to lift biggest friend
beautiful: when this man was having diarrhea, all his coworkers gathered in the bathroom to shout about how incredible it smelled so he wouldn’t be embarrassed
news: the final countdown: there are only 48 hours left until tommy lee jones turns 18 and is legal to have sex with!
area woman slams down phone, waits for it to ring
marianne williamson deletes tweets about using mind to control weather after realizing nation unprepared to wield such great power
news: clearing the air: donald trump has announced that he fired james comey for taking too long to uncover his ties with the russian government
dirty, disheveled scott pruitt confesses he spent last of epa funding weeks ago
valentine's day coming a little early in relationship
report: more americans putting off retirement until final few moments before death
trump supporter has few backup scapegoats ready to go in case crackdown on immigrants doesn’t fix everything
5 questions: ‘on weekdays i wake up at 6 a.m. and bowl 200 frames’: 5 questions with lebron james
one of my onion favorites: dick cheney vice presidential library opens in pitch-dark, sulfurous underground cave
bill gates' wife worried he's lying in a ditch full of money somewhere
frustrated men demand to know 'exactly where on tits it okay to touch nowadays'
university quickly slaps together rinky-dink ceremony for anyone graduating in december
biden complains moderators keep giving him ample time to speak
god recalls 1983 speedboat accident that sent him to heaven
public calls for formation of some sort of federal administration to manage emergencies
victoria’s secret releases sexy black lace sleep apnea mask
what robert downey jr. would look like today | clickhole
tourists not leaving landmark until all permutations of groups and cameras exhausted
news: embarrassing: barack obama has been kicked off of jury duty for yelling ‘crucify him!’ too many times
public urinator gives passerby dirty look
must see: progress: revlon has announced that it’s going to test its products on one blue whale rather than 30,000 rabbits
everyone doing it, schoolyard sources allege
man sets unsustainable precedent of saying hello to coworker every morning
rob schneider lands role originally written for chimp
pitchfork gives music 6.8
new nfl rule protects quarterbacks from brutal criticism
frank zappa fan thinks you just haven't heard the right album
white castle bathroom stall celebrates 5th conception
disgusted researchers can't even bring themselves to find out how much mayo the average american consumes yearly
new orleans struck by meteorite
life: inspiring: this bully keeps guessing fat classmates’ weights but she’s so good at it that it came back around to impressive
man looking for job that plays to his natural talent for half-assing things
‪st. louis officials encourage celebrating blues fans to just burn city down and finally end this‬
dance-club bathroom left out of gay couple's meeting story
guys' night out to include several key non-guys
self-conscious panda swears it overheard zookeeper refer to it as 'giant'
get real: this woman thinks her 3-year-old is going to grow up to play in the nba just because he’s already 7 feet tall and has a 70.1 true shooting percentage
report: u.s. must reduce dependence on foreign turmoil
mountaintop retreat with maharishi leaves greenspan obsessed with rupee
photojournalist spends month in oval office blind to capture images of obama in natural habitat
4-year-old's optimism just making things worse for area family
man keeps having same experience where he shows up to work naked
news: major bombshell: newly declassified jfk assassination documents reveal that kennedy’s head would have exploded that day regardless of whether he was shot
life: you go, girl! this badass bride isn’t afraid to show off the tattoos she woke up with in the desert with no idea who she is
dog breeders unveil new mastiffeagle
laptop guy at coffee shop nine times out of ten
hopefully this article where we call desmond tutu ‘the ultimate bimbo’ offends enough people to get us some valuable hate clicks
frances bean cobain enters prehab
county fair judges blown away by heifer
immigrant children terrified at ghastly visage of la llorona in detention center
arctic glacier called to melt before senate energy committee
area teen receives $2 from grandma
date rapist tossing his mortarboard into air 3 rows in front of you
brother, sister talk on phone to make mom happy
fiona apple releases egg sac
family, friends concerned after peyton manning wanders away from pocket
can carmelo anthony help the rockets clean up around the arena after games?
gop attacks christine blasey ford for never coming forward to testify
life: environmental win: the epa has released thousands of lions into lake michigan to curb the invasive carp population
supermodel's true beauty comes from outside
voters tune into vp debate to find out what race would look like if this was normal election year
quick scan of room confirms area man once again sweatiest person present
qatar unveils indentured mascot for 2022 world cup
tips for being an unarmed black teen
facebook clarifies site not intended to be users’ primary information source
cute new dog helping single man pick up tons of hot shit
fifth level of video game reached during phone call to mom
khashoggi assassin hopes bonus check from saudi crown prince clears before execution
area woman's baseless hatred of anne hathaway reciprocated
hussein family can't bear to throw out uday's favorite nutsack shocker
annoying ad turns man pro-whaling
new partially digested doritos eliminate tedious chewing
webster's reluctantly adds 'melty' to english lexicon
bush extremely proud of new suit
trump voter feels betrayed by president after reading 800 pages of queer feminist theory
man’s genetic predisposition for heart disease no match for 10 half-assed push-ups he does couple times a week
george clooney to squander double standard by quitting acting because of his age
construction crew arguing over who gets to use the fun tools
cash-strapped moviepass limiting new users to one movie filmed in ceo's backyard per month
levi's unveils new line of jeans with size written across the whole ass
family unsure why grandmother's caregiver seems like he actually enjoys spending time with her
'brain games' recalls thousands of defective word puzzles that gave users alzheimer's
man's heart stops as speaker asks audience to turn to person next to them
white church protected from fire by god
3 cups of coffee confident they can take man's anxiety from here
report: nuclear arsenal will go bad unless used by 2000
independent-film festival crushed by paramount troops
man from canada acts like he's not cold
barbecue chicken panini succumbs to howard-related causes
pornhub expands parental controls for user accounts
hacktivism gone too far? anonymous just leaked the president’s address
biden clenches plastic beer cup in teeth to free hands for clapping
u.s. falls short of success
obama now attempting to get each word of jobs bill passed individually
stephen breyer sets supreme court record for most gavels in mouth
whole museum visit spent feeling guilty about moving on from paintings
trump announces he's a very sad man
jon hamm to overenthusiastic fan: 'you're ruining me for everyone'
broncos center apologizes to team after accidentally snapping ball to brady quinn
startling report finds evidence democrats may have attempted to influence 2016 election
reality of fatherhood never truly dawned on man until he held newborn son's hospital bill
report: how about you tell us the goddamn news for a change?
tampa bay lightning maintain home advantage by restricting admission to fans weighing 300 pounds or less
nsa: 'can somebody good at computers help us?'
kid who mowed white house lawn to flip on trump
father doesn't understand teenage son's obsession with classic rock
amazing medical discovery to add years of fish-oil consumption to man's life
'you're my best friend,' says obama to drone that appears outside bedroom window every night
botanic garden forced to euthanize rose bush that pricked child
college residence office gets kick out of pairing up few roommates who will fucking hate each other
god admits he way less strict with last few billion children
barely even registers: president trump just revealed that his tongue is long enough to comb his hair, but it got lost in all the other crazy trump news from today
they said what?!: find out what bindi irwin, jimmy fallon, john green, and more have to say
concert security drastically overestimating fans' desire to get close to cheap trick
quiz: how many of these things has your dentist said as small talk while cleaning your teeth?
nation’s top pseudoscientists harness high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing effects of being gemini
altruism mocked
man abuses child quietly out of respect for other diners
spectators bombarded with gamma radiation as rapidly spinning figure skater collapses into singularity
teacher’s lounge the site of 5 separate emotional breakdowns today
source of mysterious space radio signals found
authorities hunt for arsonist suspected of purifying dozens of buildings in bath of glorious flame
supreme ruler of laundry room moves load of clothes from washer to top of washer
washed-up toddler can't point out things like he used to
obama upholds in-office tradition by releasing 2019 summer kill list
new social media start-up aims to be cross between facebook and facebook
third desperate, unsolicited email to tenuous business contact should do the trick
blissful ignorance commemorated on annual 9/10 anniversary
report: only 260,000 more games of 'candy crush' until you die
‘secretary clinton is a different person than donald trump,’ says bernie sanders in ringing endorsement
coworker has that excuse that's going around
nation’s landmarks piled in single location for easier monitoring
local church full of brainwashed idiots feeds town’s poor every week
new sealy mattress recreates feeling of falling asleep on bus
coroner excited for first asian
successful u.s. airstrike kills 30 iraqis who may as well have been terrorists
about time: vlad the impaler's ninth generation descendant has finally publicly denounced impaling
ra wins westminster god show
when my ship was marooned at sea, we resorted to cannibalism even though we still had plenty of cap’n crunch cereal we could have eaten instead
struggling american airlines to shutter air passenger service to focus on 'american way' magazine
sight of 400 war elephants on horizon marks hillary clinton's arrival in swing state
new employee still eager enough to pick up slack for coworkers
obama purchases ad space on side of mccain's bus
health department still not able to really prove why people shouldn't be eating candles
confused mueller reminds nation russia investigation wrapped up months ago
area gym class prepares for mandatory exposure of penises to peers
nasa frantically announces mission to earth's core after accidentally launching rocket upside down
starbucks unveils $7 wake-up slap
life: 7 incredible sex positions we can’t wait to show jesus when he returns to earth
nintendo releases new mario kart sedan controller
church member not the same since unsuccessful choir tryout
sesame street mourns death of original letter k
area man unsure if he's supposed to want hugo chavez to die or not
report: dad wants to show you where fuse box is
heineken apologizes for racist ad with new special-release 'blacks only' beer
tear gas manufacturers worried about association with everything tear gas used for
life: 6 apple-picking no-no’s to avoid if you don’t want to end up in the punishment orchard
goodyear unveils new, circular tires
cult leader pretty cool, actually
careful what you wish for: this man’s life was completely ruined after he won $7 on a scratch-off lottery ticket
'you've got them right where you want them, mikey,' michael cohen mutters to self after pleading guilty again
man directs full force of anecdote toward single person after rest of group moves on to different topic
frantic biden searching dog shelter for bo look-alike
sources: c'mon, just give us the goddamn pulitzer already
pbs moderators spend first 10 minutes of debate asking candidates for fundraising advice
black mark on birth control manufacturer's record weighs in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces
excited archaeologists hit mass grave jackpot
area man installs home pull-up bar to absentmindedly tap while passing through hallway
7 musicians talk about how david bowie impacted their lives
ex-pedophile shares tips on how to make your kids less attractive
perfect gift for boring asshole found at crate & barrel
couple threatens to divorce if gay marriage legalized
try this military workout to get you fit and ready to take a bullet for your child
dog trying its absolute hardest
nation's pregnant women announce discovery of comfortable sitting position
gated community under siege by savages
pajama-clad child makes turbulent rampage through dinner party
twitch just announced they will let users stream nude as long as everyone promises not to get aroused or do anything weird
kkk member struggles to blame blacks for his hangover
new robot warns when someone's about to walk in on you masturbating
congress reassures nervous zuckerberg they won't actually do anything about this
frustrated man doesn’t know what else he can do to get cat purring
lunar olympic officials continue search for missing pole vaulter
joe walsh executed to keep 'eagles greatest hits' sales ahead of 'thriller'
u.s. public health service estimates they'll have tuskegee experiment wrapped up by 2020
pallbearers carry leslie nielsen's coffin without incident
mom keeps sending newspaper clippings about former classmates who have been murdered
sean spicer given own press secretary to answer media’s questions about his controversial statements
life: the 5 neighbor kids who drink from the birdbath in my backyard, ranked by whether it seems like they’re doing it for fun or survival
entire broncos organization announces retirement after super bowl win
hope fades for survivors in 1999 turkish earthquake
overweight woman encased in geo metro
weird couple has greatest sex of their lives after announcement of disney-lucasfilm merger
ilhan omar thankful for colleagues educating her on painful history aipac lobbyists have had to endure
network news satellites collide over iraq
texas environmentalists lobby for solar-powered electric chair
gop leaders move goalposts on opposing trump to him being filmed masturbating on u.s. flag in arlington cemetery
how to channel your road rage into cold, calculating road revenge
this life hack couldn't be easier.
widow still can't bring herself to get rid of husband's corpse
poll finds majority of  americans would like things to go right for once
scientists finally figure out what hats do
‘ginger extremist’ convicted in royal death plot so prince harry can be king
dog befriends roomba
dentist can tell patient hasn’t been brushing hair
starlet-viewer age difference quickly calculated
sci-fi geek only hangs out with models
want to see the best super bowl ads? well, fuck you, those companies didn’t pay us
frustrated gunman can’t believe how far he has to drive to find nearest planned parenthood clinic
shocked vladimir putin slowly realizing he didn’t conspire with trump campaign
the onion’s guide to gym etiquette
taxi driver just taking his time as if man not late for color me mine pottery party
news: heartwarming: when this restaurant saw a lonely old man eating across from a photo of his dead wife, they gave him a way-hotter photo of carmen electra
mccain gets hammered at local vfw
farewell to a legend: steve harvey has rocketed through the roof of his studio in shock after a guest told him she doesn’t make her kids do chores
scientists trace campus-wide pussy shortage to zbt house
greenland thinks it looks fat in mercator projection
write-in candidate thought he had enough friends to win
fda recommends adding little tabasco to that bad boy
passengers feel sorry for flustered toddler traveling with loud, obnoxious parents
vatican declares hours between 3 a.m., 5:30 a.m. 'ungodly'
defiant evangelicals branch off into new ‘first molestist’ sub-denomination
steven spielberg says netflix films don’t deserve oscars
shy congressman wishes other lawmakers would include him in their crimes
new jersey supreme court rules the bastard had it coming
national weather service to give hurricanes full names
shitty museum doesn’t even have a mona lisa
man annoyed at being mistaken for employee just because he driving forklift through store
light playing beautifully off eric trump's gums at inaugural ball
mrs. butterworth's bottle central to terrifying lsd experience
mitch mcconnell inflates throat pouch in show of dominance over fellow congressional males
wild, unattached twenties spent at work
man with hammer-induced thumb injury appeals to christ almighty
water pistol fired using sideways gangsta grip
kim jong-un's wife on nuclear threats: 'this isn't the man i was forced to marry'
south dakota considering maybe putting mount rushmore on state quarter
i have met the most amazing man and cannot quite believe what is happening between us hgycqs
u.s. improves infrastructure with transnational power strip
‘i draw a dinosaur on the stomach of every pregnant woman i see’: 5 questions with jeff goldblum
after weeks of media pressure, shia labeouf still refusing to have public meltdown
veteran given hero's welcome back to afghanistan
lending a hand: h&m has added a life alert button to its dressing rooms to save people who have a stroke seeing how good they look in jeans
area grandma enjoys flourishing correspondence with mailer-daemon
rubenesque woman has picassoesque face
life: look, there are only so many female scientists we can profile from before 1950, so here are 7 housewives that went to college
olay getting women to drop guard with few nonjudgmental ads before nailing them with body shame
overcome stress by visualizing it as a greedy, hook-nosed race of creatures
remember partygoer #4 from ‘dawson’s creek’?: 5 bit roles osama bin laden played before 9/11 made him a star
'98 camaros test higher than owners
painting of jesus totally knows area man is high
report: just 2 more days and you can forget all of this, vanish into 'red dead redemption 2'
bizarre sci-fi novel posits world where natives inhabited america before europeans
nature is incredible: biologists have captured rare photos of two mutually beneficial species exchanging business cards
should animals have more eyes?
amish give up "this is bullshit," elders say
ghost of christmas future taunts children with visions of playstation 5
woman thinks she would make a great talk-show host
woman puts cool whip containers to every conceivable use
man wearing m&m jacket apparently made in god's image
life: yes! wilson just released a line of gloves with extra little strings to pick at for kids who would rather be at home drawing
green energy scientists unveil 800,000-ton potato capable of powering entire city
minnesota resident thinking of finally packing it all up and moving someplace warm like michigan
robin williams body-hair-mowing project enters third week
enchanted necromancer brings life back to once-dead argument
chris tucker to focus attention on smaller, more personal rush hour projects
luke, owen wilson recall meeting on set of ‘the royal tenenbaums’
eminem terrified as daughter begins dating man raised on his music | the onion
rangers disgusted by prince fielder leaving chewed-up bats all over dugout
concerned text from mom ​gleefully ​mocked like ramblings of village idiot
hampton inn concierge has long working relationship with chili's hostess
office disgusted by two coworkers getting all chummy with each other
management determined to find out who in company leaked information that ceo is asshole
report: much of u.s. still underpaved
panicking trump trying to recall recent affairs he's had after spotting baby balloon in london protest crowd
santorum nostalgic for time when beliefs were outlandish enough to make headlines
wkzn-tv concludes broadcast day
tale of how woman started making earrings out of scrabble tiles even more spellbinding than anticipated
u.s. military lauded for creating gender-neutral killing field
this will change the way you watch ‘avengers: infinity war’
when good tv goes bad: the worst episodes of the best tv shows
video: powerful: this digital simulation of a democrat and a republican understanding each other will fill you with hope
purchase justified by theoretical $50 rebate
discarded banana peel results in tragicomic tableau
area man finally finds bodymate
strange new culture forming on other end of office
chance of a lifetime: millions of children are buying barbasol in bulk after barbasol announced 5 lucky children will win a trip to get shaved at their factory
street performer dreams of performing on streets of paris
if deadpool really is that rebellious and cool, marvel won’t mind us using him in this unlicensed t-shirt we’re selling in our store
bears gm wavering between drafting good player or bad player
look at it: it's goddamn beautiful
they can do better
obama returns from paris climate talks with couple energy-efficient light bulbs
urban planner clearly depressed when she came up with street names
thumbtack on carpet still at large
monarch butterfly makes directorial debut on 'nature' episode
what man thinks is recycling takes city workers 2 hours a day to sort
cleveland indians rattled by deafening sound of wrigley field crowd'€™s indigestion
actor who portrayed the night king recalls challenge of playing character with no purpose
hollywood producer can’t help but think about how much money he could make off movie about harvey weinstein scandal
pros and cons of a 4-day workweek
the green new meal
'zero dark thirty' reveals navy seals killed bin laden by frantically throwing whatever they could find at him
area dad suffers massive nothing to worry about
planned parenthood opens $8 billion abortionplex
report finds poor often hit hardest by 18-wheelers
new pub to cater to needs of irish
historians say it still a mystery how people in ancient times didn’t just go crazy and kill themselves
clickventure: convince a young michael jordan to become a plumber
woman wearing jacket indulging in forbidden pleasure of having pockets
roy clark deep-fried in beer batter
civil unrest in sierra leone concerns npr listener
friends of band regret going to show
trump reassures struggling farmers he has never seen one of them and cannot be sure they even exist
waiter seriously needs his apps
apple announces plans for new ipad with extra storage drawer
how powerball works
jeff bezos tables latest breakthrough cost-cutting idea after realizing it's just slaves
trump struck by beautiful vision of what america could be while looking out over seething, screaming arizona crowd
yikes: a new study shows that open-plan offices decrease productivity for all employees except for the most annoying guy there
study finds leading cause of depression hearing words '2016 frontrunners'
7 easy, delicious vegetarian meals that thomas jefferson and neil armstrong make together in hell
nation's back alleys working to expand available services in anticipation of trumpcare bill becoming law
backpedaling trump claims eldest son would probably be fine doing 5 to 10 years in prison
life: getting out of hand: the children in this sunday school class are overwhelmingly siding with pontius pilate
iran ready to talk about how awesome nuclear program is
fourth verse of christmas carol gets super religious
tapas arriving too fast
the onion looks back at 'the sound of music'
study finds man starting ‘analyze this’ during flight to boston currently happiest person in america
nation's therapists say majority of issues could be resolved by not being so weird all the time
majority of americans thought we already had a moon base
2-year-old unaware he’s basis for 6 couples’ decisions not to have kids
ariel castro failed by system
10-year-old denies girl-liking allegations
beached whale trying to hold on until sea levels rise
scott pruitt orders epa employees to stay in office over weekend while it's being fumigated
most college males admit to regularly getting stoked
insatiable water droplet barrels down windowpane consuming everything in its path
u.s.–cuba relations end after obama hit by foul ball at exhibition baseball game
jamie crying
mpaa unveils rating system based on old testament
visionary sports columnist asserts that muhammad ali's greatest fight wasn't in the ring
dodged a bullet: grandma is going in for a surgery this week but it’s not a serious one so you don’t have to call her or visit her or anything like that
grocery list depressing
backup health care plan involves nation sharing one big jar of ointment
teen publication takes bold anti-peer-pressure stance
steve bannon’s inflamed liver pulsing visibly through shirt during strategy meeting
trump claims greatest threat facing nation toys coming to life while owner not in room
gina haspel recalls having to torture more prisoners than male colleagues to prove herself
mlb hoping to boost attendance at league meetings with 'star wars' night
man beginning to worry that best meals already behind him
aunt somehow got married, divorced twice since last time nephew saw her
historians find evidence of nation’s founding lobbyists’ campaign to influence constitution
blog: modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards for how many swords they can carry at one time
video: heartbreaking: this woman is carrying an extremely hot dish she just pulled out of the oven to a dinner table 500 miles away
u.s. forces take control of white house
death results in great deal of paperwork
shower caddy coated in dazzling multicolor array of various soap films
study: 74% of home contractors end up accidentally walling themselves in during housing construction
'nothing would surprise me at this point,' says man who will be shocked by 8 separate news items today
what the fuck? it’s 2 p.m. already
national pork council: many americans suffer from pork deficiency
blog: why i’ve decided to take a gap year before joining isis
illinois department of corrections unveils new open-plan prison
stack of unread new yorkers celebrates one-year anniversary
customer awkwardly accepts one cent, receipt
dirk nowitzki shatters backboard glass with powerful soprano singing voice
seaworld whales demand 10 percent chum increase
jeffrey dahmer estate releases collection of never-before-seen victim remains
jury selection proving difficult in trial of 'the jury killer'
nation feels first, only pang of sympathy for zuckerberg after watching him engage with ted cruz
frustrated dad at restaurant just wants a normal burger
taylor swift inspires 200 million fans to register to vote in tennessee
obama: 'hillary will fight to protect my legacy, even the truly detestable parts'
housefly fondly recalls losing virginity on rotting pile of ground beef
atlantic ocean excited to move into beautiful beachfront mansion soon
bashar al-assad tries tiny bit of sarin gas on self to see what it's like
hr sends out reminder email about not scrawling 'revenge' in blood in conference room
pbs pulling out the fucking big guns tonight with 'andrea bocelli: one night in central park'
bold stance: secret has announced that no matter how far the body-positivity movement goes, they’ll never pretend like a woman smelling bad is anything but disgusting
anti-homosexuality sermon suspiciously well-informed
american media reports news other than zoo's escaped cobra as if anything else really matters
'what if we put m&m's on top? would they eat that?' doritos exec wonders out loud
toilet that uses 50 percent less water must be flushed six times
hotshot test pilot removes helmet, reveals female status
tom gilbert, actor who portrays tv's regis philbin, to leave 'regis & kelly' show
national essay writing contest now accepting video submissions
chinese takeout restaurant thought it had seen man at his worst
dead facebook friend from high school still has cartman profile picture
pebble just bounces off big toad
researchers quietly chuckling at placebo group
apple fans demand other products they can feel directly against skin at all times
uber developing flying cars
news: inspiring! this little girl saw hillary clinton get the nomination and decided she wanted to be tim kaine’s boss one day too
american voices: 'march for science' planned for earth day
mom declares garage her next big project
devastating: this guy knows exactly how black people should act around police officers, but he has no black friends to tell about it
7 signs he’s not over his ex | clickhole
another fond childhood memory destroyed
batman v. superman’ promotion urges filmgoers to just get this over with
apple announces new iphone with n-word on back knowing customers will buy it anyway
i want to apologize for whatever role ‘smells like nirvana’ had in kurt cobain’s suicide
congo approves economic stimulus package of ak-47 for every citizen
area man's opinion hasn't been taken seriously by anyone in over a decade
lebron to announce decision at united nations
nasa receives more depressing photos of mars’ surface from morbid curiosity rover
local oafs to spawn
way too fucking soon: the cast of ‘angie tribeca’ just came together for an incredibly emotional reunion
5 times the brooklyn nets played basketball
gop statisticians develop new branch of math to formulate scenarios in which trump doesn't win nomination
casinos getting people to play longer by telling them rest of civilization destroyed
david lee roth might as well jump
baseball hall of fame elected to hall of fame hall of fame
study: 38 age it too late
dead hamster feels its life has been properly honored by shoebox coffin
song banged out in half hour by professional songwriters to define teenager’s personality for next two years
q forced to resign from department of agriculture for improper filing of expense reports
rest of evening spent declaring asshole not going to ruin evening | the onion - america's finest news source
congressman knows regular lobbyist's order without even having to be told
earth safe, but for how long?
anthropologists unearth possible missing link between a- and b-list celebrities
biden working his way through scratch-off tickets during obama's swearing-in
youtube rushes to shut down school shooter’s account over copyright complaints
office politician runs for coffee
rumsfeld: 'my half-assed job here is done'
must see: heartbreaking: gary johnson just received his rejection letter for president of the united states
frigid chicago bean shrivels up from below-zero temperatures
'kanye must be back on his meds,' says nation technically having conversation about mental illness
semiotics department accuses university administration of anti-semiotism
‘you are the jewel of my collection,’ says saudi prince while guiding frightened jared kushner toward harem
bounty, brawny ceos wearing down patience of mutual friend
bloated, rotund bernie sanders reveals he has finished drinking all of flint’s water supply
chick corea falls to communists
justice stevens retires to spend more time dying in front of family
the most rewarding part of my career is when women tell me that my work inspired them to prioritize their sexual pleasure and have their first orgasm (by j.k. simmons)
geneticists debate ethics of cloning humans and forcing them to fight to death in pit for our amusement
man concerned he spread himself too thin between eating sandwich, watching television
job-hunting jay gruden frantically scrubs social media of anything associated with redskins
lester holt begins debate by reminding audience these the candidates they chose
heroic pants enter 19th day of continuous duty
man hopes hot woman in next apartment can hear how well he's fucking his girlfriend
american museum of natural history acquires rare third-grader separated from group on class trip
laid-back company allows employees to work from home after 6 p.m.
livestock happiest, healthiest attendees of state fair
recently uncovered passage from book of revelation shows that prophet foresaw 'violent reign of red-headed boy-king'
world leader wondering why he just met with the former governor of massachusetts
man recalls simpler time when he only masturbated to still images on internet
life: heartwarming: after this teen died from cancer, the rock stepped up and took the blame for all the pornography found on his computer
curt schilling just going to assume he has speaking slot at rnc
chimp opinion: we're running out of time if we still want to kill and eat jane goodall
woman comes forward with first allegations of biggest sexual harassment scandal of 2036
news: campaign shake-up: donald trump has fired the man in charge of explaining what donald trump is to gorillas
man holding giant turkey leg never been more captivating in entire life
all of nation's living presidents gather to lie about bush presidency
frustrated gunman can't believe how far he has to drive to find nearest planned parenthood clinic
'there is beauty in decay,' says head of federal highway administration while surveying nation's crumbling roads
staffers frantically trying to restore chaos to white house before trump returns from asia trip
area man sorry he's late, got here as fast as he could
fan-favorite first season of bush administration released on dvd
life: must-see tv: vanna white revealed the true name of god on ‘wheel of fortune’ last night and the contestant who uttered it turned to ash
joe paterno dies in hospital; doctors promise to tell their superiors first thing tomorrow
man approaches unfamiliar shower knobs like he breaking wild stallion
senator moved to tears after reading constituent's heartfelt check
30 percent of india's population now under twisted wreckage
sylvester stallone surprisingly only has one arrest for throwing meat at somebody
racial slur development not keeping pace with mixed-race births, nation's bigots report
putin learns putin behind plot to assassinate putin
blog: here’s what i learned in my year embedded with the landscaping crew i mistook for isis
jeffrey epstein swears he didn’t know sex-trafficking ring was underage
trump supporters worried racist attacks against progressive democrats just talk
report: nation spends $50 billion annually to get kids excited about things
guy eats own weight in combos over three-month period
area dad informs busboy he’s ready to order
nabisco tentatively adds hummus to list of approved ritz toppings
life: champion of the arts: neil diamond is donating all his remaining groupies to an inner-city public school
life: the gift that keeps on giving: this girl’s dad is still dressed up as dumbledore the week after her birthday, and now his 2 friends are, too
so-called 'atheist' doesn't even barge into churches screaming 'you're all brainwashed fools'
parents dedicate new college safe space in honor of daughter who felt weird in class once
experts caution new car loses 90% of value as soon as you drive it off cliff
doctor unable to hide his excitement from patient with ultra-rare disease
annoyed reince priebus forced to wait in line behind other exiting white house staffers
recording academy reminds aging musicians to die before december 15 to be included in 2017 grammy tributes
pabst still coasting on 1893 blue ribbon win
clooney scouting locations for darfur-based romantic comedy
drug-sniffing dog develops taste for bit-o-honeys
uninsured man hoping for gift card to local hospital for christmas
first-generation immigrant couple still adjusting to life of being featured in son's standup routines
news: one last humiliation: the cia just bungled an attempt to drop a piano on fidel castro’s funeral procession
immersive gaming ftw: nintendo has released a chair that will launch you through your tv if you crash in ‘mario kart’
romney campaign releases new picture of candidate standing in situation room during bin laden raid
frazzled robert mueller walking around with piece of russia investigation document stuck to his shoe
kirstjen nielsen urges migrant parents leave the weak ones behind
all the dumbass fish at the aquarium…ranked
lieberman's overlords most displeased
it'd be really funny if it weren't so true because of mobile tracking -- more corporations using tag and release programs to study american consumers
reagan to be honored with $5,000-a-head funeral
6 times tobey maguire had a public meltdown because nobody would call him ‘tugboat maguire’
4 service dogs who’d rather be fucking right now
friend group completely disintegrates within 5 minutes of graduation
good man
cherokee nation makes headlines as fraction of actress's bloodline
best in-tent shuns
4th grader panics upon realizing classmate giving presentation had exact same summer as he did
latest attack: isis just put the pentagon on ebay
area man coasting by on good looks, work ethic, in-depth knowledge of virginia real estate law
'hägar the horrible' cartoonist expected more for 40th anniversary
u.s. now 40 percent sports paraphernalia
intricacies of meal plan discussed
earth explodes
temporary worker permanently scarred
area new york times 98 percent unread
life: every parent’s worst nightmare: this kid really, really wants to go to church on sundays
mike pence drapes shawl over immodest lady justice statue
here are 8 little things you can do every day to help dolphins go extinct
report: 70% of trump endorsements made after staring at bedroom ceiling for 4 hours
alignment of 6,071 completely independent variables necessary for man to feel okay
heartbreaking: this high school boy is relentlessly bullied just for carrying an ar-15 to school every day
idf soldier recounts harrowing, heroic war story of killing 8-month-old child
mike pence horrified by d.c. cherry trees flagrantly displaying reproductive organs
trump demands nato allies match u.s. commitment to prioritizing military spending over healthcare
deep blue quietly celebrates 10th anniversary with garry kasparov’s ex-wife
ratings low for npr morning zoo crew
teen zebra doesn't give a shit how much you honk, he's not getting out of road
news: cryptocurrency crash: the value of bitcoin has cratered after investors pulled all of their money out and put it into collecting state quarters
congress approves $15 billion medicruelty
beanie broker urges storkholders to sell
news: speaking out: the ceo of pixar has expressed disappointment that nobody has created any ‘toy story’ fan fiction disgusting enough to make him vomit
incredible! this man sat in something wet and didn’t know what to do so he just stayed!
john boehner to paul ryan: 'i was once young and beautiful too'
most incompetent coworker once again shines at office halloween party
much-criticized media vows to return to softball tactics
report: 750,000 americans die each year during first attempt to get back in shape
astronomers confirm moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019
couple wouldn't have stayed in loveless marriage if they knew that's how kid would turn out
transit authority pledges to double number of out-of-service buses by 2006
hero of the common man talks to plumber for entire time he's in house
suicide bomber reacts poorly to surprise birthday party
jazzfest performer recognizes audience from last year
man wearing sunglasses upside down on back of head still recovering from paul walker's death
man looks on helplessly as variants of his nickname evolve and multiply at breakneck speed
moderator asks candidates to be specific when describing hellscape country will become if they not elected
chinese newlyweds wondering what they're going to do with all this medicinal bear bile
should the mlb ban infield shapeshifting?
publicist worried kanye west’s support of trump will damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic self-absorbed lunatic
buddhist extremist cell vows to unleash tranquility on west
new apple ceo tim cook: 'i'm thinking printers'
fuck everything, we're doing five blades
homeless child apparently unaware he lives in nanny state
45-minute phone call to credit card company goes great
when you're feeling low, just remember i'll be dead in about 15 or 20 years
new national park caters to business travelers
aretha franklin institute for female entrepreneurship confirms sisters are doin' it for themselves
procter & gamble introduces home menstruation test
independent baking scene apparently worth a documentary
abc reannounces cancellation of 'mr. sunshine' just to destroy matthew perry a little more
5 questions: ‘every day i spend 14 hours arguing with liam about whether trotsky had it coming’: 5 questions with harry styles
little league coach just washed-up former little leaguer
aspiring legislator keeps sending unsolicited bills to house of representatives
authorities urge louisiana residents to evacuate dangerous lower income brackets
temple university receives anonymous donation to build center for discrediting rape allegations
news: campaign setback: tim kaine is participating in a mall sweepstakes and has to keep one hand on a jeep wrangler for the next three days
news: nasa disaster: some asshole threw a blanket over the hubble telescope
dreary, passionless couple believes your soulmate out there too
maid of honor specifically selected for ability to take emotional beating
family lets cars come inside house during snowstorm
they said what?!: find out what alice walton, chris rock, and gloria steinem have to say
onion twitter password changed to onionman77
world wildlife fund publishes photo of what species last seen in 1987 might have evolved to look like
fbi discontinues surveillance of muslim americans after completing 15-year study of beautiful culture
world's scientists admit they just don't like mice
perfect response to heckler somewhere in prop comedian's trunk
man thinks people care enough about him to be let down by his failures
heirloom plasticware lovingly handed down to next hundred thousand generations
pope francis scouring papal tombs for final easter egg of vatican hunt
what is isis?
romney frantically figuring out how tax plan could actually work after realizing he might win election
your brain-gun: turn the safety off - onion talks - ep. 12
paleontologists determine dinosaurs were killed by someone they trusted
strip poker ends solemnly with scar explanation
david bernhardt denies business interests influenced yellowstone's name change to frito lay presents doritos flamin' hot nacho national park
elliott abrams defends war crimes as happening back in the '80s when everyone was doing it
record-store clerk gazes down from on high in aloof indifference
gallup pollster forced to cut off another gop voter's enraged rant in order to get to next call
fritolaysia cuts off chiplomatic relations with snakistan
health experts urge parents to dramatically reduce childrens' on-screen time
adidas unveils new running shoe for fleeing from mass shootings
urban polling stations urge voters to immediately get back in line for general election
urban polling centers recommend voters start lining up now for 2016 election
get free webcam show! only for registered users, and be k28cge68
late-working ceo calls out for coffee in vain
anti-beyoncé protest successfully draws all three people who think that makes sense
pigeon's route accommodated
347 locals identify slain prostitute
u.s. retakes top spot in annual 'party country' rankings
good news kept from parents out of fear of proving them right
area father beginning to suspect 3-year-old a real ding-dong
woman upset at herself for feeling hungry
poor kid: eddie vedder just said something rude about donald trump so now this 8-year-old has to listen to his dad yell about eddie vedder for 2 weeks
environmentalists warn swedish fish population being decimated by great pacific sour patch
haunted tape dispenser unsure how to demonstrate hauntedness
cinnabon defends $800 million contract to manufacture pastries for saudi arabia
area molestation victim wants his bear
panicked er doctor calls 911
black man given nation's worst job (2008)
bush to sacrifice own life for good of nation
really hip 90-year-old figures he has every right to torrent glenn miller's 'in the mood'
bill clinton admits that knowing what he knows now he would have still preyed on women
new biography reveals einstein devised theory of relativity on paper because he wasn't smart enough to invent microsoft word
report: 58% of world’s japanese speakers white 23-year-old american males
brooke shields put to sleep
topeka mayor now highest-ranking non-indicted republican official
'the investigation ends now,' growls shadow counsel holding mueller by throat at top of washington monument
convention-goer removes name tag, vanishes back into world of anonymous hilton orlando guests
cocktail party gets as wild as it's going to get
'sometimes it feels like you're the only one who understands me,' whispers trump to white house roach infestation
congressmen submit emergency 3 am bill demanding ihop stay open all night
area man pretty shaken up after running into casual acquaintance at cvs
nation not sure what signals it gave off to make candidates think it would be into them
captain's hat really completes street lunatic's ensemble
telemundo continues winning streak with incomparable lineup of high-quality scripted programs, award-winning journalism
bye! (by the animal kingdom)
coleman unveils new slowly leaking air mattress for house guests who won't take a hint
american medical association introduces new highly effective placebo doctors
local neurotic to undergo invasive 32,000-hour-long therapy procedure
video: i am officially discontinuing my lustlad virility potion after the leftist extremists who live above me started ordering it and keeping me up with their loud fuck sounds
woman barely jogging
conceptual genius goes as self for halloween
new x-men film features bryan singer traveling back in time to molest younger self
beto voter struggling to refocus her sexual fantasies on ted cruz
microwave-popcorn bag a maze of arrows and instructions
super priest can turn anything into body, blood of christ
man has mixed feelings about $39 flight
u.s. fish and wildlife service reintroduces straw hat-wearing boys to old fishin’ holes
banks introduce 75-cent surcharge for using word 'bank'
study: owning a boat not worth it
millionaire pays for breast implants for rolls royce hood ornament
sea of hair engulfs nation after bosley physicians lose control of restoration
defiant sarah huckabee sanders claims she doesn’t know where voice comes from when she opens mouth
man not going to let mind games of ex-girlfriend's natural moving-on process get in his head
report: dog's nose must really itch if he willing to repeatedly kick self in face that hard
news: body positivity win! chanel has found the body of a plus-size model floating in one of its perfume vats
fifth baby barely showered
tsa agents to now simply stand at checkpoints and remind passengers that we all die someday
kobe bryant calls los angeles lakers 'soft like charmin'
comedy cellar holds night for male comedians to workshop sexual harassment apologies
voter dreading being sent over to visibly stupid poll worker
report: military contractor overcharged pentagon for torturing iraqi citizens
'i want to be with someone else,' says woman who must think 3-time hyundai sales leaders grow on trees
expense-account wizard transforms prostitute into color copies
increasingly desperate advertisers settle for more attainable 35-to-44-year-old demographic
pompeo to increase bombing in afghanistan after figuring they’ll miss and hit iran at some point
ecosystem sobered by how young species was when it went extinct
5 salads with more calories than a big mac
increase your cognitive ability by reading a fucking book
259 new objects now available in gummi form
colombian rebel 25 years younger than colombian civil war
laffy taffy sponsors every cobblestone at 9/11 memorial
kendrick lamar becomes first rapper to win pulitzer prize for editorial cartooning
hypnotist looking for gimmick to set him apart from other hypnotists
kasich hastily paints name on side of skyscraper in attempt to woo new york voters
it doesn't look that cold out, reports man who doesn't have thermo-sensing eyes
area spoon only rinsed for past 18 months
new pompous asshole magazine to compete with cigar aficionado
panicked billy graham realizes he took wrong turn into heaven's largest gay neighborhood
study links meat, sugar consumption to early death among those who choose to be happy in life
man angry at self after not recognizing actress in eyelash commercial
pregnant women asked to leave convention hall during ted cruz speech for safety of developing fetuses
quiz: how many of these rhyming couplets have you heard your plumber whisper into your shower drain?
nation's parents announce they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit
frustrated unc student too busy studying for players’ tests to watch title game
secretary pretty sure vending-machine guy is that uncaptured serial rapist
lindsey graham gazes longingly at happy rubio campaign workers through window
documentary about plymouth rock throws in some world war ii to keep people interested
'rock the vote' propels metallica to senate
majestic sounds of 'goddamn long line' ring across america
study: not many disco songs about daytime
last great party of life to result in first child
nick saban returns from 2-year recruiting expedition with 94 blue-chip players
obama proposes tax increase on meanest 2% of population
'low-energy jeb,' whispers jeb bush sitting alone in dark watching televised trump speech
9 things only people from texas will understand
video: infuriating: man licks cone instead of ice cream
daddy hitting mommy again
new study finds solving every single personal problem reduces anxiety
life: incredible: when their high school was hit with massive budget cuts, these theater students all came together to spoon each other at a party and never talk about it again
news: true sportsmanship: this olympic track athlete let his competitors know every time a hurdle was coming up so no one would trip
new clinton memoir: 'we all made mistakes but you made most of them'
life: heartwarming: this serial killer is supporting local independent journalism by only sending clues to his murders to newspapers based in his hometown
pandering nobel peace prize committee honors global harmony again
clinton appoints very special cabinet member
report: crane operator last remaining fulfilling occupation in u.s.
millions of gallons of oil spill into washington from ruptured rex tillerson
2-d doritos sales lagging
5 things to know about daylight saving time
national security crisis: president trump’s new ponytail is stuck in the white house fax machine after he tried to fax an image of it to xi jinping to make him jealous
ovechkin hopes to inspire other athletes to power through month-long bender
new evidence reveals ancient greeks immediately regretted inventing theater
bill o'reilly tearfully packs up framed up-skirt photos from desk
fact-checking the third presidential debate
style replaces substance
sound designer hits celery with hammer in performance of oscars best sound mixing
mitt romney reaches out to young voters with laser tag pizza party
doctors hate this! i used one weird trick to get covered in feathers and fill my anus with bees and you can too
'roseanne' spinoff showrunner hopes big puddle of blood in kitchen enough to explain main character's disappearance
depleted hawaiian volcano now just coughing up bile
rush limbaugh's love affair with sound of own voice comes to sad end
how to talk to your child about racism
employee using up sick days before leaving company
second-semester fling leads to first-trimester abortion
fox news settles harassment suit against bill o’reilly
report: standing at work can increase coworkers' disdain up to 70%
suicide note makes convincing case
roller coaster designer's artistic vision sullied by fantastic four tie-in
alan keyes admits: 'i just enjoy campaigning'
british royal family sadly announces death of prince charming
not very good album takes a little while to get into
souter hopes roberts is into birds
isis fighter dreading smug looks from hometown friends who told him caliphate sounded like dumb idea
ultimate disrespect: the white house is still flying its flag depicting john mccain being confused by a pinecone
violence erupts across france as citizens protest high cost of refilling crème brûlée torches
nypd deploys new line of plain clothes cop cars
neighbor bragging about 20-pound box he fedexed
'i'll have to obstruct one last thing,' whispers jared kushner before wrapping gloved hands around mueller's neck
4 classic ‘who wants to be a millionaire’ episodes where the ‘friend’ that the contestant phoned was clearly santa
this incredible video proves that all bodies are beautiful and the government lied about how they killed bin laden
30th anniversary of 1973 commemorated
man dies after secret 4-year battle with gorilla
brad pitt stumbles across old cardboard box with gwyneth paltrow's head in attic
glowing, cackling mcconnell levitates above senate after realizing chamber's rules only self-imposed mental construct
panicking mark zuckerberg holds press conference explicitly welcoming armenian genocide deniers to facebook
paul newman dies after consuming 51 hard-boiled eggs
copy editor's revenge takes form of unhyphenated word
8 incredible dr. oz quotes about why your gooch is 50 times more vital than your heart or your brain
can of soda in freezer realizing owner never coming back for it
local teen slated to masturbate furiously
beauty win: maybelline has released a new short-lasting lip stain that’s bold and vibrant in your bathroom mirror but fades before you go out in public and feel weird about it
stereotypes are a real time-saver
new, improved google maps lets user launch missile at any location on globe
saudi arabia feeling skittish about doing business with autocratic tyrant vince mcmahon
this girl was sent home in tears for exposing her vagina, what happened next will warm your heart
fetid, shit-covered elon musk announces plan to revolutionize nation's sewage system
lindsey graham stays up all night running campaign ideas by toll-free telephone operator
dress that would have forever altered course of woman's life patted, placed back on rack
must see: impressive: this immigrant picked up english from whatever threats he received during his day-to-day life
parents’ most common expenditures
man psyches self out during selection of ice-cream flavor
sean hannity informs building tenants about deep-state conspiracy forcing him to triple rent
beautiful birth marred by hideous afterbirth
mom learns about new vegetable
area woman always has something quirky to do
nate silver blinded by gods for seeking forbidden knowledge of future
critics accuse new movie of glorifying sex
bob dole makes car and driver 10 best list
secret service opens fire on section of slippery floor that attempted to take out president carter
report: distracted driving results in more than 5,000 unfinished texts each year - the onion - america's finest news source
swiss avalanche kills thousands; world stays neutral
report: you’re supposed to tip supermarket cashiers, you son of a bitch
news: contact clickhole
infertile aunt doing it up big at kids table
crullers explained
coddled potted plant could never make it on outside
paul ryan slits auto mechanic’s throat to kick off gop purge of working class
"no way to prevent this" says only nation where thus regularly happens
1994 video-store receipt reveals clinton rented night eyes 2, 3
margaret atwood: 'the handmaids are supposed to be aliens'
ken burns completes documentary about fucking liars who claimed they watched entire 'jazz' series
irish-americans gear up for 'the reinforcin' o' the stereotypes'
american citizens split on doj memo authorizing government to kill them
on the right side of history: dad just slammed michael jackson for being ‘a sicko’ pretty much unprompted
patriothole: why do pro-choice liberals say people should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies but then get mad when i circumcise myself in a coinstar machine?
police use exact right amount of force to subdue suspect
zangief blasted for disrespectful celebration after fight in spain
obama finishes deal to get every american a free parrot
everyone at consumer electronics show forced to share single surge protector
news: absolutely beautiful: when these 8th-graders found out their teacher had eczema, they raised the $200,000 stud fee for his dog to have sex with legendary racehorse american pharoah
area man creeped out by request to 'make love'
pros and cons of the greek system
report: most americans have fewer than 5 hobbies saved for retirement
cnn promises to maintain complete lack of editorial integrity despite at&t-time warner merger
businessman goes home for the holidays to network with family
vicious, feral house republicans run loose across d.c. following resignation of caretaker
area man urinating like it's the best thing ever to happen to him
de blasio courts iowa voters by winning 'largest candidate' at polk county fair
'that's it? what the heck was that?' says dad in scorched-earth review of movie you suggested family watch together
perfect girlfriend blames self for everything
‘prince george effect’ leads to skyrocketing croc sales
islam is incompatible with country-western culture (by a cowboy)
bus driver appears to have had rough summer
women voters can't help fawning over sexist gop
hometown wistfully toured via google street view
god struggling to remember how to make geodes
self-destructing onion social algorithm delivers stirring monologue about folly of mankind's hubris
weeping tim cook spotted screaming for help at steve jobs' tombstone
bruce vilanch sodomized by homosexual
hooded members of congress drown another love child in potomac to prevent affair from getting out
world populace actually fine with rich people dying on mount everest
5 things to know about amazon echo
elon musk embarrassed after realizing he proposing idea for thing that already exists
fromsoftware announces partnership with eric carle for game set in world of very hungry caterpillars
report: girlfriend’s parents could hear everything
historians suggest ‘goodfellas’ youtube clips may be fragments of larger work
scientists announce shrimp just as dumb as they thought
fda launches food awareness month to get americans interested in eating
area man wants something made of titanium
woman nervous for boyfriend to meet person she becomes around parents
flag in front of post office can hardly remember a time it wasn't flying half-staff
more mushroom than you can handle: you simply don’t have the endurance to make it through this list of 8 mushrooms
death of miss moneypenny all tnt needed to run monthlong bond marathon
atari releases updated adventure video game
neither person in conversation knows what hedge fund is
guinness releases abridged book of freaks for readers who just want the good stuff
sierra leone burns down
how companies are going green
report: u.s. consumers spend $900 billion each year after saying ‘gimme one of those, too’
heaven adds guardrail after fifth angel plunges over edge
willow rented
david blaine starves self of attention for 33 days
woman who had almost formed healthy sense of self rejoins social media
visiting chinese pm presents obama with 'the expendables' on dvd
boy scout officials: 'we believe all children, regardless of gender, deserve the opportunity to one day die alone in the woods'
world urges israelis, palestinians to focus mutual hatred on region's bahá'í peoples
trump boys attempting to tunnel from south lawn to fbi headquarters to free paul manafort from custody
robin williams still missing after three-day free-association binge
logan paul: 'i didn't realize people who commit suicide kill themselves'
car parked with windshield wipers halfway up offers glimpse of world suspended in time
video: awesome: someone made a supercut of every ‘whoops’ from ‘mild father drops his groceries in parking lot,’ and it’s perfect
facebook version of marriage going great
trump orders presidential motorcade to take detour through homeless encampment
modern-day caligula orders everything bagel
riverboat horseracing fails utterly
bush calls cabinet meeting to get story straight
sudden resurfacing of file called 'lyrics.doc' a chilling reminder of life thought left behind
shoe scientists unveil advanced 'double knot' technology
science ftw: researchers covered head to toe in mustard have announced that their colleagues got them good
god orders all followers to swallow cyanide capsules in preparation for voyage to alpha centauri
news: twitter meltdown: ritz has been furiously tweeting that you’re supposed to swallow the entire roll of crackers and then pull off the sleeve
gifted, passionate student really stretching limits of school's resources
new epa chief proposes 30% cut in all carbon-based organisms
2012 was once considered hottest year on record, man in 2024 remembers wistfully
myrtle beach resident refuses to evacuate from family’s ancestral ron jon surf shop
crowd cheers as 93-year-old fuckup finally graduates from college
cobweb-covered skeleton gripping senate desk expected to seek 15th term
cop vows to get revenge on eric garner for trying to frame him for murder
courtney love screams at korean manicurist
trump postpones grand opening of trump tower moscow until fuss over bombshell report dies down
woman apparently wants to smell edible
'no, take jeb instead,' screams george w. bush while shoving brother into father's grave
cancer walk goes under 15-straight miles of high tensile power lines
mta unveils $28 billion plan to renovate subway masturbators
film critics captivated by use of one long, unbroken take in parent’s recording of middle school ‘guys and dolls’ production
responsibilities track man down inside dream
therapist who spent decade working with sex trafficking survivors urges client to go on about how boss is sometimes too curt
your dog died
mom’s 5 friends, ranked by how weird their eyebrows are
chicken’s eyes catch first-ever glint of sunlight through crack in warehouse ceiling just before head sliced off
mar-a-lago member complains about loud, obnoxious cabinet meeting at next table
kinda ot: real-life jean teasdale found!
fda calls concrete breast implants 'architecturally sound'
scholars say constitution is open to differing interpretations because nobody can read that crazy script
increasingly anxious man worried order confirmation email never going to come
‘you better give our dad a good trade deal or you’ll be sorry!’ shout angry trump boys on phone with employee of local chinese restaurant
air wick introduces new piss-scented bathroom diffuser
‘without them you could buy anything,’ whispers amazon echo as man stares blankly at family
unbeatable ‘jeopardy!’ champ says key to success is threatening other contestants with nail-studded baseball bat during commercials
clickventure: you are shigeru miyamoto! can you promote ‘super mario’ at the pax game convention?
new device converts grass to meat
usda president rings nationwide dinner bell for y’all to get in here
rookie told to ease up on crime-scene tape
rick perry apologizes for trying to outdo fellow cabinet members by using $72 million of taxpayer funds on lampshade
target ‘dorm room essentials’ aisle being browsed exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments
riotous, chanting iowa state fair crowd gathers for annual deep-frying of virgin
supportive parents encourage child's interests in anything within 15-minute drive
how fake news led president trump to believe 'semi-charmed life' was by matchbox 20
community vastly improved by tv station's caring
report: you have been selected to make a purchase at the onion store
marvel hints at upcoming death of stan lee
tsa agent can't bring himself to make dad take off comfy shoes
area family has no idea where dad gets shirts
life: fraud exposed: after this man’s memoir about finding 6 lemons in a hole sold 15 million copies, he tearfully confessed to putting the lemons in the hole himself
guy eating pistachios and watching 'sniper' doesn't seem to be part of haunted house
myth vs. fact: homelessness
local man's body a really big temple
jordanian doctor forgets cell phone inside mother after cesarean section.
houseguest given entire rundown on input 1, input 2
new study finds average american stands no chance against what's coming
asimo robot kills two scientists in japan, escapes from laboratory
woman worried student loans could prevent her from one day owning entirely different kind of crippling debt
nauseatingly precious nyc couples to walk around in rain
isis having difficulty finding american recruits physically fit for jihad
college roommates to continue bonding process until real friends made
report: average person spends 27% of lifetime in the way
concerned nation gently encourages boston to take it easy this st. patrick's day
tom brokaw touched so many women would go out of their way to defend filthy old pervert like himself
salvation air force collecting used planes in your area
study: majority of frontal lobe occupied by thoughts of sausage links
republicans' 'diversity through imported africans' plan criticized
rare autographed portrait of jesus purchased at estate sale
liability waiver carefully lowered into mine shaft
nature is incredible: researchers have observed chimpanzees using an electric chair to execute each other for murder
guy on cologne advertisement must smell pretty good
four homeless people dead in what girlfriend refers to as 'cuddle weather'
failure to get into private college to be most financially responsible act of 17-year-old’s life
historians discover meditation spread from ancient china by annoying monk who wouldn't shut up about how it changed his life
time to panic: aiden did his book report super fast and now one of us has to go before class ends
video: diversity win! these men are wearing motion-capture suits so someone who knows how to do special effects can turn them into women of color
delicate little man kept awake all night by having coffee after four o'clock
catchphrase from 'the love guru' overheard
funeral attendees getting misty-eyed during first dance with corpse
a new era: 5 ingredients mom now considers taco stuff
assisted care facility hits grand fucking slam with little styrofoam cups of sherbet
report: 3 players in nfl currently do not have concussions
grown man enjoys duping children
pep-rally skit rumored to involve cross-dressing principal
embarrassing bounced check from greece taped up in imf headquarters
sean hannity: 'i will be dispelling any and all factual claims about me during my show'
trump promises u.s. will continue to recognize, preserve palestinians' historic refugee camps
most humiliating experience of man's life on dvd march 6
local band cleverly alters product logo
mueller kinda miffed that barr clearly didn’t read his stuff like he said he would
trio of cutups attempts to hide horse from landlord
barr releases catatonic mueller after removing all sensitive material from special counsel’s brain
new clinton memoir: ‘we all made mistakes but you made most of them’
last remaining ivory-billed woodpecker really squandering species' final weeks
big wrench cool
new boyfriend charming pants off baskin-robbins staff
breaking: no way egypt coming out of this with a functional democracy
john kelly denies any knowledge of staffer's misconduct that will break in few month’s time
real-life log flume kills family
tucker carlson insists every white supremacist in america could fit into stadium but tickets to tuckercon won't last
butterfly on ankle marks passage into womanhood
florist saves abusive relationship
life: get started now: 7 very gradual types of foreplay that will lead to sex by the year 2087
coca-cola releases new orange vanilla flavor
gerber: feeding formula to baby helps infant bond with parent corporation
"woodland pals hold impromptu oompah-band jamboree"
bethesda e3 presentation reveals they worked really hard on ‘fallout 76’ so maybe everyone should stop being mean give it another shot
nation's tracy chapman fan 'can't wait' for lilith fair
blog: it’s heartbreaking to see an innocent black man killed by police before he even gets to experience the full range of horrors in the american justice system
relapse greatest week of man's life
laura bush noisily devours infant
get free webcam show! just for registered users. s8crwichgy
absolutely adorable: this 4-year-old’s hero is the centaur that comes out of the woods to eat his family’s garbage
sears extremists fly plane into willis tower
pope francis asks congregation if it’s okay if they do a low-key easter this year
report: fritz a fine name for a boy
fascinating: the ceo of mcdonald’s has revealed that grimace is the larval stage of ronald mcdonald
life: 6 mild self-defense moves you can use when you aren’t sure if you’re being attacked or just hugged
dairy company introduces lots-of-pulp milk
report: syria running dangerously low on civilians to oppress
apple unveils single colossal iphone all americans can use at once
hillary clinton: ‘when i was a child, most special interest groups wouldn’t even consider donating large sums of money to a woman’
pony anxiously waiting for attendant to flag large child as too big for ride
furloughed willie horton pays respects at george h.w. bush funeral
struggling high school cuts football—nah, just kidding, art it is
gross national product surpassed by grotesque national byproducts
embarrassed george lucas still just telling new wife he works in digital media
life: put on notice: john legend took to twitter last night to completely rip into whoever’s been putting wet towels inside his piano
goldfish dying to be petted just once
bp pledges to continue being huge profitable corporation
life: we asked 22 doctors how long they think john krasinski will live
awesome! tgi friday’s has announced they will be offering a sip of beer on their kids’ menu as long as children swear they won’t tell their folks
pastor going on little spiel about seeing how in love couple are despite not knowing them for very long
news: smart call: ruth bader ginsburg has been dead on the supreme court bench for 3 months, but democrats are febrezing her every day in hopes that no one notices
small town rallies to save boy trapped in hell
birthday card for david axelrod circling around afghan war meeting
man who has something wrong with him on a fundamental level leaves that part off okcupid profile
miracle overpass issues mysterious stream of urine
quiz: how many of these mcdonald’s slogans do you remember?
kiss with wife pretty good
state of their union
blog: it is critically important that you vote in this election, even if you just write in the name of your favorite actor (by tom hanks)
cory booker apologizes to wall street bankers for the mean things he's going to have to say about them
town hall attendees still standing patiently waiting for their questions to be answered
man begins life in new city by taking last ever walk around neighborhood
obama announces plan to store nation's extra stuff in large plastic crate
secret agent's back's always been a bit hinky ever since he burst through that skylight and landed in fountain
1930s comedian pretty sure he's outsmarted murphy bed
woman’s primal instincts activate to protect nearly finished glass of wine from approaching server
following abuse allegations against chris hardwick, ‘talking preacher’ will now be hosted by a trash can full of wet leaves: everything you need to know about ‘preacher’
study finds all-consuming self-pity best way to win back ex-partner
relationship experts recommend single women try bathing in open stream until suitor glimpses them through trees
self-destructing onion social algorithm delivers stirring monologue about folly of mankind’s hubris
report: nation’s ditches overflowing with children of worried parents
breaking news: bat loose in congress
arby's releases barbara bush tribute edition curly fries
mark-paul gosselaar obviously authored own imdb trivia
person cropped out of match.com picture clearly buzz lightyear | the onion - america's finest news source
earthquake sets japan back to 2147
man insists facebook friend actually reads 'why palestinians are sub-human' article before commenting on it
farmer chases fifth wedding party out of barn this month
deaths of 550,000 confirm which mushrooms are okay to eat
man captures ross perot, is granted three wishes
kerry captures bin laden one week too late
gated-community members wish there was something they could do
hungover couple unaware they broke up last night
god rewinds time to watch man fall off trampoline again
tire salesman to hit them with a little razzle-dazzle
reporter for high school newspaper most professional journalist in nation
ogn is retracting its 9.3/10 for ‘gears 5’ after realizing we haven’t gotten a single dollar from microsoft
baby can already tell crib he's in going to be recalled
police found golden state killer by tracing owner of ‘iamthegoldenstatekiller.com’ website
the onion: university of california, berkeley 'students excited to see slate of notable speakers who will be disinvited to campus this year'
report: snoring may increase risk of having throat slit during night by loved one
parade of interchangeable starlets delights u.s. populace
life: 5 bizarre penises of the animal kingdom that your grandfather told you about to get you to stay out of the woods
toaster's crumb tray full of sprinkles
jim acosta immediately decks white house intern after being let back into press pool
olympic speed skater thinking about maybe taking out the garbage
tom hanks vows he won't stop until he has portrayed every last american
fed up: at&t has announced that if you think you can make a cell-phone tower look like a tree better than they can, then be their fucking guest
scientific journal releases list of year's top 100 compounds
phil spector joins jennifer hudson to present 'best new artist' grammy
sitcom characters still in shock after christmas episode proves existence of santa claus
humanity surprised it still hasn’t figured out better alternative to letting power-hungry assholes decide everything
fbi uncovers al-qaeda plot to just sit back and enjoy collapse of united states
5 states to decide whether to legalize marijuana or continue honoring god
god pissed solar eclipse not visible from heaven
chinese class clown executed
pillsbury doughboy killed by skittish, broom-wielding housewife
terminally ill friend not much fun anymore
aides gently remind hillary clinton not to refer to opponents as ‘obstacles to greatness’
nascar race stops to wait for family of ducks to pass
going too far?: nintendo has responded to complaints that marth is too overpowered in ‘smash’ by giving him fibromyalgia
horribly awkward first sexual encounter 'worth the wait' for christian newlyweds
overstepping her bounds: j.k. rowling has announced that daenerys from ‘game of thrones’ has crohn’s disease
head of irs has personal filing system to keep track of nation's tax returns
converse high tops reveal tv character's eccentric personality
secret service rooftop sniper team depressed by sprawling view of cleveland
pool owner has bathing suit that touched his penis you can borrow
patriothole: shameful: 3 in 5 americans can’t even draw a big crosshairs on a map of the middle east
republicans stalling obama's agenda by speaking, moving in slow motion
extremely polite: this kid on vacation with his friend’s family hasn’t taken a shit for the last 6 days
cvs now selling cheaper, cvs-brand 'people' magazine
perfectionist jon gruden forces ‘hard knocks’ to film 78th take of scene where he cuts rookie
pence spends 621st straight sinful day coveting his neighbor's job
billionaire reading name in panama papers totally forgot he even had funds in seychelles
dirty, bearded vince foster bursts through doors of clinton fundraiser
life: end of an era: the company that makes snow pants exclusively for john lennon has finally declared bankruptcy
‘run! run and never look back!’ whispers heidi cruz while hugging carly fiorina on rally stage
sony reveals playstation 5 will feature fully functioning breakfast sandwich maker
emporia, kansas named best small town in america to escape from
life: 6 beautiful quotes to get you through the death of a pet
trump calms nerves before inaugural address by reminding himself he's the only person who actually exists
quick question: what am i supposed to be doing right now?
mom announces plans to get out some of your old baby stuff and quietly stare at it
new law to forgive student debt for college graduates once all their dreams shattered
mike pompeo startled after seeing 'beware of hubris' scrawled in oil on bathroom mirror
the onion looks back at ‘back to the future’
perfect attendance credited to abusive household
ken burns not sure how to turn down ray romano's repeated offers to narrate next documentary
historical archives: weekley duel results
american airlines announces it will no longer try to match seatmates by interests
lab mouse nervous for first day of new job getting cancer
nfl loses rights to ‘super bowl’
fred phelps, man who forever stopped march of gay rights, dead at 84
porn video with unfamiliar acronym in title deemed too risky to click on
nation to honor harper lee by ensuring novel about horrors of racism always remains relevant
jamie lynn spears loses custody of fetus
man in kitchen can't remember what he got married, bought house, had 3 kids, and came in here for
city planner gets halfway through designing city before realizing he's just doing philadelphia again
historical archives: facial corsets for ladies, finally
stone-hearted ice witch forgoes exclamation point
military aides try to cheer up kim jong-un after failed missile launch by putting on surprise execution
everything you worked so hard for lying in splinters at your feet
amazon fires warehouse worker who took unauthorized breath
life: inspiring: when this woman’s husband died, her church got together and named god after him
area lady's gentleman caller under employ of jiffy lube
study: dolphins not so intelligent on land
report: what's a pretty lady like you doing around an article like this?
junior building inspector closes down tree house
god admits he never created gerbils
dept. of homeland security introduces dhs for men
june mademoiselle to feature ten ways to flatten your tummy
rugged new sport-utility vehicle takes on mall parking lot
mar-a-loco
hard to tell if wikipedia entry on dada has been vandalized or not
malala can tell oxford paired her with roommate just because they're both nobel laureates
revised patriot act will make it illegal to read patriot act
usda secretary rings nationwide dinner bell for y'all to get in here
guatemalan earthquake registers 0.3 on area man's consciousness
video: epic fail: woman drops family kidney while passing it down to her daughter
grecian formula falls into non-grecian hands
area woman always has backup problem just in case
john kerry poses as masseuse to get few minutes with putin
poll finds americans still fiercely divided along charlotte brontë–emily brontë lines
biden co-presents best new starlet award with shyla stylez at 2015 avn adult movie awards show
devastating: this woman’s workplace is so feminist she will never know whether she is incompetent at her job
disappointed couple on 8-month waitlist to get married at pentagon
family chooses different dog than reincarnated grandfather
trump disavows supporters who could barely keep racist chant going for 10 seconds
office janitor asks to work from home
massive semen explosion after blaze hits bull artificial insemination facility, firefighters forced to dodge "projectiles"
blog: toys ‘r’ us is going out of business because america wasn’t ready to accept a celibate giraffe mascot
gay teen worried he might be christian - the onion - america's finest news source
‘i’m going to hell for laughing at this meme,’ says man going to hell for helping little sister get abortion
boyfriend's snack 200% of woman's daily caloric intake
bernie sanders asks anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks to meet him on corner of canal and bowery at midnight
pepperidge factory farm under fire for inhumane treatment of milanos
local man helped every day by salad shooter
community a wasteland of professional athletes’ failed side businesses
300 million without electricity in india after restoration of power grid
study finds majority of non-shark-related fears completely unjustified
voice coming from dnc sound system during sanders address clearly hillary clinton’s
mentor to younger women in company lets herself knock one down once in a while as treat
wal-mart announces plan to slash customers' throats
independent bookstore puts the dave eggers right where the fuckers can find them
crops begin emerging from farmlands across nation as monsanto ceo slowly raises arms
93% of americans admit they occasionally check behind shower curtain for bad guys
tips for studying abroad
one last ruben studdard reference wafts gently into the cool evening air
lowe’s introduces 2-way ladder user can also climb down
impoverished kenyan bean picker can’t wait to see what starbucks has to say about racial sensitivity
news: responding to controversy: ea has announced that ‘star wars battlefront ii’ will now allow you to unlock legs for your character without paying extra
rolos unveils new cryptocurrency exclusively for rolos customers
life: after 55 years of research, jane goodall shares her 6 most fascinating discoveries about chimpanzees
patriothole: calling all patriots! america’s son, don jr., is under attack! flood social media with your nudes in order to distract the msm and #keepdonsafe!
kleenex box inadequately covered
area man uses 'big buck hunter' score to determine ability to drive home
man parallel parking tries to leave enough room between cars to infuriate other drivers into just giving up
man who has never seen horseshoe crab before understandably freaking the fuck out
will the world cup inspire more americans to play fifa online with hank?
first openly gay racehorse to compete sunday
anthony weiner sends apology sext to entire clinton campaign
biden's handlers suggesting he forget the words 'pink' and 'stink' altogether
zoologists discover new fastest land animal after pumping white-tailed deer full of steroids
international criminal court announces new '3 strikes' genocide policy
joe pesci so sick of fans asking to blowtorch scalp for photo op
russia renamed 'batshitzania'
tokyo squeezes in five more residents
eric trump scolds father that he mustn't inquire about the businesses, for he's sworn not to tell
how gerrymandering works
uber driver wants you to know that lots of mexicans live in this neighborhood
heartbreaking: woman in parking garage doesn't remember which car she hid her calzone under
trump attempts to ease tensions with jewish community by noting he also would've murdered christ
wedding videographer clearly shooting side project during ceremony
exhilarated woman discovers last person who used jigsaw puzzle left lots of pieces sticking together
storied fantasy owner relocates to new ip address
pressure mounting for humans to step down as head of failing global ecosystem
distracted priest pronounces couple 'man and plumbing problem'
frantic john kerry looks on as teresa slowly lowered into kim jong-un’s electric eel tank
dept. of transportation discontinues 'bridge out 8 feet ahead' sign
barista gets sick little thrill telling coffee shop customers there no restroom
indian-american couple's accent makes fight adorable
liquor commercial featuring dance party on pirate ship also includes important message about responsibility
trump campaign ponders going negative
yes! wilson just released a line of gloves with extra little strings to pick at for kids who would rather be at home drawing
matt damon appears fully nude for first time in local man's imagination
'fear not—she means you no harm,' says elizabeth warren, revealing docile hillary clinton to crowd
fire chief grants fireman 3-day extension on difficult fire
‘i promise to work tirelessly to achieve my campaign’s goals,’ threatens trump in terrifying address
‘the investigation ends now,’ growls shadow counsel holding mueller by throat at top of washington monument
hillary clinton launches intimidating new fragrance line
area man accidentally signs up for aol latino
how to increase employee productivity
silicon valley ceo explains how the future of tech is him being wealthy and having a blast
middle school janitor can already tell he going to have to befriend new kid
man says 'fuck it,' eats lunch at 10:58 a.m. | the onion
4 times mark cuban begrudgingly offered a contestant a deal on ‘shark tank’ because the contestant’s sob story was about the time he hit them with his car
rc cola celebrates 10th purchase
'how could harvey weinstein get away with this?' asks man currently ignoring sexual misconduct of 17 separate coworkers, friends, acquaintances
voice of patrick stewart lends air of legitimacy
historians uncover lost socrates dialogues where he just gave up and started screaming that opponent a fucking brainwashed shill
report: lake ice grows safer to venture out on with each beer consumed
bitch be gettin' all that way
u.s. government stages fake coup to wipe out national debt
‘the onion’ invites republican candidate greg gianforte to physically assault our entire editorial staff
mike pompeo impressed by realism of saudis' halloween decorations
blog: bash trump all you want, but i’d like to see you make it through a statement on infrastructure without veering off to condone white supremacy once or twice
breakfast in bed served to mom who just got eaten out
nabisco snack physicists develop highly unstable quadriscuits
ob-gyn kind of annoyed she has to confirm woman's premonition about sex of baby that came to her in dream
maid dreams children will one day be maids in wealthier households
must see: finally! khan academy now offers a course that teaches you what happens when you don’t keep your fucking mouth shut
gop voters: 'can we see what it looks like with huntsman and perry again?'
area man nervously asks girlfriend if she'll settle
the 4 best n64 games about giving bernie mac a haircut
queen elizabeth screaming at stockbroker to dump everything
behind the scenes at clickhole: our daily routine
'piggies' written in blood on clouds only clue in shocking murder of six angels
food critic's wife makes the best lasagna she possibly can
crowd outside white house hoping to catch glimpse of president naked
cam girl has ash on forehead
guests' chairs tilt, spray water at them during first-ever 4d state of the union address
weird black dot actually part of bowl
‘we get the food and then we eat the food until all the food is gone,’ city of chicago announces unprompted
disheveled cdc director warns of ‘invisible germs crawling everywhere’ from inside sealed plastic bubble
last cherry tomato in salad a wily little bastard
gratitude for thank-you note plunges friends into inescapable appreciation spiral
new alternative-fuel suv will deplete world's hydrogen by 2070
enron executives blamed for missing employee donut fund
study reveals lobsters feel pain and get off on it like the kinky little perverts they are
guest roster assembled for surprise birthday reveals minimal understanding of girlfriend's social circle
plan to make snacks last through opening credits fails
video gamer in movie going for the high score
man wasting his life playing video games when there whole world of other screens out there
‘fear not—she means you no harm,’ says elizabeth warren, revealing docile hillary clinton to crowd
fbi agent still tasked with following noam chomsky around prepares for another day in local panera
authorities investigating suicide determine victim really went for it
noncompete clause in lease bars tenants from living anywhere else for 90 days after moving out
friends star spontaneously shown attending televised nbc sporting event
troubling report finds millions of americans forced to make ends meet by getting up and going to work every day
bashful terrorists won't take credit for attack
the thing no one tells you when you become a parent is that nasa is conspiring to overthrow the u.s. government
wall wishes it were load-bearing
does theonion.com collect ad revenue for site viewers/hits that only reach their paywall and never proceed to actual articles?
snowy mountain in pyeongchang figures it can withstand 1 or 2 more big cheers before triggering avalanche
man has mosquito on the run
bold new pope shows crowd in saint peter's square how to apply condom
epa didn't know anybody was still drinking water
early stage threesome forming in corner of party
area man looking for whatever the hell is beeping
clinton: 'fuck this president shit'
walgreens manager certain dead father would have been proud of crest toothpaste display
nation hopeful there will be equally random chance of justice for future victims of police abuse.
world wildlife fund announces new breeding program to create way more squirrels than necessary
getting to know the trump family
facebook clarifies site not intended to be users' primary information source
mobile app to revolutionize way users waste time, money
historical inaccuracy found in wild west strip show
last person to voluntarily write essay dies
blog: i used to think interracial marriage was wrong, but now i think about egg salad so often that i hardly ever worry about interracial marriage anymore
cat speed-dials ex-girlfriend
god admits he too close to creation to judge whether it any good or not
local man dies following short battle with gas leak explosion
hershey's announces it's all out of candy
the future of journalism: ‘the new york times’ is trying to win over a younger audience by having paul krugman livestream solitaire on twitch while discussing trade regulations
u.s. dollar drops against counterfeit u.s. dollar
idea to see mario van peebles movie occurs to no one
$500 stereo installed in $400 car
colorado boy asks nation not to find his missing little brother
dad just wants nice, simple xbox one for checking email
bolton: 'we will not be drawn into a lengthy ground war in syria—although, saying it out loud, that sounds incredible'
biologists discover billions of missing bees living anonymously in sacramento
elizabeth warren disappointed after dna test shows zero trace of presidential material
studio admits entire israeli-palestinian conflict just marketing campaign for 'you don't mess with the zohan' that got out of hand
republicans vow not to repeal obamacare without detailed plan for disposing of patients' disease-ridden corpses
video: heartbreaking: man looks under couch for missing daughter and then gives up
most items at garage sale haunted
life: 5 sex scenes we actually enjoyed watching with our parents
candidate profile: martin o’malley
90% of audience at college graduation involved in heated family argument
report: russia managed to penetrate voter databases in order to ensure election was fair and free like the loyal allies they are
11-year-old moron can't wait to get her first period
man’s crippling, overpowering need to be liked by everyone apparently not affecting his behavior
last remaining novelist dies in captivity
nfl adds passing concussion protocol to pro bowl skills competition
can of surge results in fully-loaded, in-your-face diabetic reaction
old refrigerator unable to control when it releases water anymore
white house: 'for russia, the real sanction is knowing that they let us down'
new study confirms humans only use 10% of genitalia
family saved by three-way inflatable goat
husband calls for greater restrictions on pier one imports
comey: 'what can i say, i'm just a catty bitch from new jersey and i live for drama'
life: undaunted: this trailblazer is already comfortable with letting his face touch the couch that came with his apartment after only 3 days of living there
washington's hobby lobby lobbies to strengthen hobbies
celebrity 'caught' smoking
mueller poses as fox news host to coax rudy giuliani into giving him testimony on trump
deep blue quietly celebrates 10th anniversary with garry kasparov's ex-wife
pantone intern starstruck after meeting designer behind sand dollar 13-1106
area juggler juggles family, juggling
willie nelson spaces on holding farm aid
news: box office failure: the $450 million ‘the last jedi’ made on its opening weekend is less than a third of what the cast and crew spent on paper towels
life: 10 things people with curly hair are sick of hearing
psychic phone service devastates competition by only hiring the best psychics
nation still outraged 1933 best picture went to ‘cavalcade’ instead of ‘lady for a day’
aides wrestle drill from trump’s hands as he tries to remove obama listening device from skull
the onion reviews 'rogue one'
eminem releases single about hugging elton john at grammys then ripping his dick off with pliers
elderly voter never thought she'd get to see female presidential nominee called heartless ice bitch during her lifetime
u.s. troops draw up own exit strategy
dozens wounded as man defends box of wheat thins from invading coworker horde
obama: ‘hillary will fight to protect my legacy, even the truly detestable parts’
fed-up employee just about 14 years away from walking out door
l.a. adds high-speed chase lane to freeway
man does what he convinced himself he loves for a living
world's marine life on edge now that seaworld moving on from orcas
report: 89% of suzy qs never make it out of gas station parking lots
waitress who took over at table just doesn't have same spark as richard
police satisfied after drunk man assures them there’s no problem
man bragging about how infrequently he receives dental care
high school band teacher spends 85% of rehearsal hammering in dress code for holiday concert
jason statham beats wedding planner to death in new romantic comedy
last month apparently women's history month
inconsiderate woman on bus eating live tuna | the onion - america's finest news source
biden declares self only candidate who can defeat george bush in 1988 election
report: mom's work friend has no one
lifelong boise resident realizes he's never been to morrison knudsen nature center
child's loose grasp on balloon only thing between peace and anarchy at restaurant
parent of the year: when his daughter got her first period, this super dad shit his pants and explained it’s pretty much the closest he can get to that
sweating, suitcase-clutching michael cohen standing on roof of trump tower starting to think helicopter never coming to take him away
study: more men opting to be in room when wife conceives baby
entire office clamoring to be introduced to coworker's parents
men’s wearhouse introduces clip-on trousers for guys who never learned how to put on pants
report: 17 new species of bacteria found every day in world's rainforest cafés
clinton goes on fun plane ride
life: 5 times jesus came back, ranked by how quickly he died again
victoria’s secret introduces 3-inch patch of satin to place anywhere on body
mother comes pretty close to using word 'streaming' correctly
john boehner calls for national guard to deal with illegal immigrants hiding in mexico
annual teeth cleaning reveals three previously unnoticed rows of teeth
video: ‘mario kart 8 deluxe’ is a sobering commentary on the perils of america’s crumbling infrastructure
blog: trump’s campaign eerily reminds me of hitler’s rise to power, which eerily reminds me of my wonderful trip to berlin in 2004
bangor police bring in stephen king to help track demonic car that killed woman
5 reasons why it would be a mistake for the democrats to nominate jason voorhees in 2020
late-arriving guest encouraged to load up on food sitting in sun for past 4 hours
a few half ideas for getting my son off the roof
affable detective with healthy personal life hasn't solved case in months
new employee confused by office espresso machine just returns to desk with mug of hot water
everyone in pride parade straight
home depot releases new bluetooth cordless hose
dolby theatre hunchback stares longingly at beautiful guests from rafters
transgender community caught slightly off guard by baskin-robbins' enthusiastic support
walnuts improve area chicken salad
environmental win: scientists just cut down the world’s oldest tree after it went over 5,000 years without giving us a single goddam apple
area man's favorite things all types of meat
report: 43% of party invitations unprovoked
woman finds it worrying that all of new boyfriend's previous relationships ended in breakups
christian couple staying together for sake of god
guy at bar had similar experience, but better
world-weary sigh emanates from next bathroom stall
report: all the other races coming to take your stuff
trump regrets choosing kavanaugh after supreme court nominee keeps talking about how much he respects women
some people are too gullible. i swear people just want to be butthurt about something
city terrorized but unimpressed by serial killer who just shoots victims
mom gets last new hairstyle
lebron james guarantees cleveland will win numerous regular season games
giant altoid headed toward earth'curiously strong' celestial body will extinguish all life
only two golden tickets remain
life: space flight setback: spacex has lost a falcon 9 rocket after it landed in a mean old neighbor’s backyard
arby's regional manager's work done here
man with nice eyes blown
panicked biden interrupts state of the union to ask if erections can ever be medical emergency
2016 in the economy
disgusting privilege: cap’n crunch was only forgiven for the ‘oops! all berries’ debacle because he’s a straight white man
93-year-old grandmother at thanksgiving worried this last time she sees fuck-up grandson before he dies
'walking dead' writers regret naming every single character 'rick'
oh, god, area man making his move
‘there are no good options in syria,’ sighs man who has devoted 12 minutes of research to topic
conversation with boss puts man an hour behind
nasa to send earth into space
new toxic-waste by-product contains no fat
orrin hatch delivers farewell address from coffin descending into plot dug in middle of senate floor
family mercifully pulling plug on grandfather unaware they sending him directly to hell
washing machine loses man's trust
man honestly thinks he’s going to get to bed early
unemployed man who had to move back in with his parents still for obama
real-life stranger on a train less interesting than hitchcock version
saudi women receive husbands' explicit permission to celebrate right to vote
catholic church condemns metrosexuality
scroll through this list of racecars very fast to simulate the nascar experience
wooden fruit hoping to become real fruit one day
touching: the nra is releasing a commemorative line of ar-15 rifles to raise money for the victims in parkland
just when you didn’t think emma watson could get any more amazing, she grows 4 feet taller
whatever: we ranked the supreme court justices based on looks
family infighting apparent in funeral guest book
hellmann's introduces new meat-on-the-bottom mayo cups
scientists say newly discovered earthlike planet could support robust economy
video: mind magician: this master memorizer shares his techniques
david koch pumps billions of dollars into campaign to secure antonin scalia a seat in the holy trinity
idk
life: the evolution of man: 7 new physical traits that humans will develop over the next million years
raffle ticket stared at with increasing disgust
i was never able to accept my son’s autism until i monetized it through blogging
obama finally fulfills campaign promise to spend one night in abandoned amusement park
report: only 20 minutes until introverted man gets to leave party
macy's parade float covered in tickets after parking on 5th avenue over holiday weekend
nasa discovers this planet, planet earth, just might be what it's been searching for all along
kotex introduces new leak-proof brush-on vaginal sealant
star wars news net joins hundreds of publications in condemning trump’s attacks on the press
dangers of dieting culture: this man looked better fat
man points out town where he threw up
barber not even excited anymore by bringing home free bags of hair at end of day
employee's multitasking doesn't include work
florida state coaches award helmet sticker to tallahassee police officer | the onion
historical archives: immoral woodcut discovered in hay loft
chemicals found in fast food packaging
nation shocked anyone would want to purchase media company
howard schultz considering independent presidential run after finding no initial support among any voter groups
area priest to get out of priesthood as soon as parents die
must see: heartbreaking: rex tillerson has spent the morning boxing up all the oil in his state department office
pushy hermit crab girlfriend wants to move in
man filming childbirth picks up some b-roll of wife’s vagina while waiting for baby to crown
hypocrisy much: these elementary school students have been taunting their weird classmate even though all children are strange as hell
report: statistically speaking there’s decent chance pope francis molested someone
sla murder trial nostalgic trip back to more innocent time
tv fans rejoice! the cast of friends reunited to form a giant mech suit to battle a colossal lizard attacking l.a.
bodybuilder can't believe he forgot to develop right arm
mattel releases new male barbie to inspire girls to imagine holding highest leadership positions
new hallmark line addresses israeli-palestinian conflict
olympics officials clearly trying to buy more time with 6-day-long opening ceremony performance
t.j. maxx job application just asks prospective employees how much they plan to  shoplift
prescription bottle recommends taking 10 tablets if you really want to fly
study exposes risks of conducting research while driving
biden shares 20-minute post-debate kiss with janna ryan
disillusioned woman now wondering if any of her magical vagina stones have healing powers
weddings vs. eloping: a side-by-side comparison
slow-motion woman emerges glistening from pool
stripper thinks customer flirting with her
18-year-old fighting in afghanistan has 9/11 explained to him by older soldier
nation’s outfoxed sheriffs shake heads, throw hats in dirt
melania's staff asks for privacy from president while she recuperates
adrenaline-fueled mother lifts heavy child from car
area man’s emotional state completely dependent on outcome of professional sporting event
what makes anna so beautiful in the moonlight?
melania trump: 'my fat piece-of-shit husband who should go kill himself needs to stop bullying people online'
maria butina slips away after binding half-naked, blindfolded robert mueller to bed
archangels already sick of cardinal o'connor telling them how they do it in new york
report: majority of married people get up and go to second family's house as soon as spouse asleep
yankees rookie nervously tells a-rod how much he used to hate him as a kid
mom reports that hometown actually has a lot going on now
hot-rod-lincoln-driving son may have contributed to father's alcoholism
cia's 'facebook' program dramatically cut agency's costs
mom guesses dressbarn closure means she'll just have to go shop with all the sluts over at chico's now
art professor revealed to be convincing fake
report: only 7 band names remaining
we imprison hideo kojima in an interview room until he breaks down and admits he’s just making shit up as he goes along
quiz: how many of these failed kickstarter projects have you backed?
clickhole has launched its halloween theme. enjoy!
crime scene has all the different types of cops
they said what?!: find out what chris christie, madonna, and cesar millan have to say
drunk women find their run across busy street hilarious
pornography-desensitized populace demands new orifice to look at
a&e biography host peter graves comes out in ellen-inspired ratings grab
johnny depp now physically unable to walk unless whimsically teeter-tottering across rolling log, wobbly plank, or swaying beam
how police are revamping their tactics
news: incredible discovery: scientists are 99% certain that the bones they found on a pacific island belonged to either amelia earhart or jesus christ
news: heartbreaking: all the celebrities think that jason bateman being the emmys valet is part of a bit that will pay off in colbert’s opening monologue
suburbanite saved from certain poisoning by brita filter
man updates little monologue recited when extended relatives ask how he’s doing
aclu defends nazis right to burn down aclu headquarters
actor matthew mcconaughey agrees to star in whatever
we want to know more about our readers!
trump trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from boring national security email list
singer cites girlfriend as reason he lives, dies, breaks down, cries
inexperienced puppy bowl team still hasn't opened eyes yet
study: 96 percent of humans would rather be animatronic bear
coworker loudly typing away like 1930s cub reporter chasing hot lead
life: the only 5 grandpas who have never gotten horny from betty boop
diplomatic snafu: north korea is letting trump choose if he wants three american hostages returned or a mysterious box that could have anything inside it
nation satisfied as selena gomez completes transition into sexualized plaything
unemployed sibling makes last push for group mother’s day gift
new online voting system allows millions of masturbators to take part in democracy
local teen invents masturbation
news: doing their due diligence: millions of responsible buzzfeed readers are flying to russia to verify the trump dossier
accessibility ftw! tic tac is making its breath mints 500 times larger for the visually impaired
speculation on name of royal baby ends
new hampshire legislature passes bill naming fentanyl state opiate
news: farewell to an icon: anna wintour is being dragged off to the woods by deer
subconscious can't wait to turn offhand remark from boss into dream about drowning horse
nsa assures americans that prism 2.0 will be way more invasive
hardcore weezer fan hates everything band has released since forming
thousands of students nationwide walk out of schools in gun protest
ice agents feeling a little hurt that trump doesn't think they're doing enough to terrorize hispanics
‘i only did a rap for president obama because he promised to name nevada after me’: 5 questions with lin-manuel miranda
nra calls for teachers to keep loaded gun pointed at class for entire school day
life: heartwarming: chris pratt showed up in costume to this condemned fan’s execution
legislators still concerned about key non-issues
onion social ceo addresses user privacy concerns by adding new 'are you sure?' prompt to doxing feature
bush campaign more thought out than iraq war
terrible idea committed to paper
car of the future: elon musk has revealed that the next tesla will feature a ziploc bag of cashews in the glove compartment
queen elizabeth watches as oxen pull apart farmer who failed to provide yearly tithe of grain
report: u.s. consumers spend $900 billion each year after saying 'gimme one of those, too'
too much expected from nap
morley safer can't remember if he left stopwatch running after locking up '60 minutes' studio
gun show vendor jokes with insane customer about how he hopes he's not insane
romney stares uncomprehendingly at $1 bill
comcast now just calling its customers assholes to their faces
leonardo dicaprio touches skin of woman over 35 for first time ever
vilsack reprimanded for spending work hours writing corn blog
man prefers comic books that don't insert politics into stories about government-engineered agents of war
new lover features 30 percent more cock
nation's little piggies demand a sweet treat
news: the mystery lives on: scientists have concluded that they will never know if salsa is kind of good for you or kind of bad for you
taco hell
bush announces 8-month plan to steal favorite desk lamp
community rallies to save eyesore
visine introduces new eye-whitening strips
sharon's neurotransmitters reach cease-fire agreement
fleshlighthouse guides weary sailors home to realistic vaginal texture
mudslide kind of fun until the dying part
the onion’s guide to beach etiquette
getting randomly picked to make half-court shots now best way to earn living
pence visits conversion therapist for routine gay-preventative checkup
study shows link between feelings of guilt, bleeding man holding onto car hood screaming at you to stop
nfl pre-emptively adds whatever bullshit gronk hawking to banned substance list
disney announces 'kingdom hearts iii' will feature ernest, turner, hooch, and all the rest of your favorite touchstone pictures characters
mom cancels christmas for her kids
theoretical scientists gather for 35th annual symposium to try to determine how gas nozzle knows when tank is full
authorities confirm north korea now has missile capable of hitting sam waterston's house
report: americans most physically active when getting comfy
u.s. urges bin laden to form nation it can attack
family unsure what to do with dead hipster's possessions
unambitious terrorists overturn trash can
dating website for sex! ) find your love to night! my nda
report suggests stalin was just one great purge away from creating communist utopia
supreme court releases young scalia’s audition tape
god unable to remember what year humanity goes extinct
local radio station has got some doobie brothers coming up for you
trump aides investigating whistleblower struggling to identify single person in cia with moral principles
man excited to spend weekend back home catching up with old video games from high school
silvio berlusconi transferred to steamy all-female penitentiary
businessman takes power bath
california to release all prisoners who seem nice enough
tbs once again leads all networks in leslie nielsen ratings
infowars moves to ban alex jones
target pulls all sponsorship from publicly ignored syrian conflict
weird wooden chair pressed into service for thanksgiving
bush to london bombers: 'bring it on'
cable ace award thrown out in apartment move
second life makes dream of owning fictitious coffee shop come true
new study finds reading comprehension down amongst dumb fucks perusing this headline
sexualized octogenarian flapper girl still earning living for someone
brewers stay after game to run the bases
bachmann says unexplained blackouts from which she wakes up covered in blood won't affect ability to lead
'true blood' characters openly talking about how they can't wait for episode to end
they said what?!: find out what drake, michael scuse, and jennifer lopez have to say
blood-sucking lamprey forced to make awkward small talk with fish it's hooked onto
greek populace woken up at 6 a.m. by angela merkel's voice booming through loudspeakers across country
jeff bezos announces customers can delete all of alexa’s stored audio by rappelling into amazon hq, navigating laser field, uploading nanovirus to servers
facebook bans thousands of snowboarders, base jumpers in crackdown on ‘dangerous’ accounts
area man totally blows his chance to see 'exodus: gods and kings' in theaters
man who just bought mayan headdress, 4 crates of corn pretty sure you'll be looking like the fool when apocalypse happens
mesquite bbq visine selling poorly outside texas
kellogg's pulls controversial 'choco-bastard' from store shelves
culinary world stunned as horse meat found at 3-star michelin restaurant the horse & pony
man now too exhausted to repress both anger and sadness
bernie sanders said what?!
catholic church releases new molestation-proof altar boy uniform
nation's younger cousins announce plans to cry at haunted houses this year
norfolk tides third baseman sent down to baltimore orioles
crumpled-up potato chip bag spotted in bathroom trash can
florida resort allows guests to swim with miami dolphins
fact-checking the state of the union address
recreational-abortion enthusiasts applaud repeal of partial-birth ban
adam schefter gives sweets to street urchins returning from nfl front offices with whispers of free agency rumors
painting hanging in thrift store must be founder of the salvation army
beautiful: gay couple argues in parking lot
tlc producer wants list of 100 fucked-up families on desk by end of day
bitter concession speeches the only things americans looking forward to in upcoming midterms
sympathy card signed by assistant
thing distracting you from healthy, self-actualized lifestyle garners 240 emmy nominations
frustrated man can't believe he can still hear construction worker hammering his wife at this hour
the small text makes people lean in so they don't miss! thanks onion news!
friend's wife encountered twice a year
barbershop pole finally runs out
george h.w. bush's casket completes log flume journey to u.s. capitol
usda admits weight loss not possible for people who don’t like salmon
african children given 30,000 unused 'save darfur' t-shirts
everyone in sporting goods store looking for something to get on stepson's good side
lone mexican in mexican restaurant doing the dishes
life: 7 quick tips to make the police think you had a loving family if you’re choking in your apartment alone
tommy lee jones tells jimmy fallon he doesn't want to play any of his little fucking games
fbi seizes massive anthrax stockpile
panicking taylor swift realizes it too late to call off assassination after katy perry makes peace offering
ostrich-farm employee 'asking for it,' say witnesses
world's physicists complete study of physics
the mystery lives on: researchers at oxford have concluded that they’ll never know how outback steakhouse bread can be so dark brown but taste regular
prison returns bag of semi-automatic guns, hit list to coast guard terror suspect at release
you might be surprised, but your unhip ol’ pops actually used to be quite the meth head
must see: this is why we watch: a zamboni just performed the first ever quadruple axel in olympics history
political scientists baffled by trump’s ability to end something he had no control over just days ago
news: first steps: donald trump has to go around the white house’s neighborhood letting people know he is moving in down the street
freshman asks new roommate not to hide masturbation from him
fork manufacturer introduces fifth tine to accommodate growing american mouthfuls
the 6 best things about being in hell forever
$80,000 wedding beautiful
‘one day this will all be yours,’ says buzz aldrin while showing great-grandson around moon
discovery of neolithic gift shop suggests stonehenge always meant as tourist attraction
life: if you love enamel pins, you’ll love this etsy shop, and if you don’t care about enamel pins, you’ll explode over this picture of a bulldog puppy, and if that doesn’t do it for you, you’ll lose your shit over this amazing-looking pizza, and if you don’t, we’ll find something for you
teen admits parents were right about fred durst
west virginia celebrates as 32 die in non-mining-related accident
dress that would have forever altered course of woman’s life patted, placed back on rack
laid-off zoologist goes on tranquilizing rampage
lookalike couple vaguely disquieting
3 bible stories that you can bet would have turned out very differently if jackie chan had been there
couple spends morning at farmers market verbalizing everything that comes into field of vision
zika virus joins lack of paid leave, unaffordable child care as reasons woman afraid of getting pregnant
romney pledges to replace all foreign policy with jobs right here in america
heartbreaking: this economist broke down in tears on cnn after seeing a line graph depicting the economic impact of locking migrant families in detention centers
teen boys losing virginity earlier and earlier, report teen boys
oh god, invitation to lunch somehow trickled down to office weirdos
rain-drenched cat announces it ready to stay inside and be part of family
champagne company develops new second-place beverage
life: ‘i’ve never been in a locker room’: 5 questions with j.k. rowling
warriors attribute finals loss to durant’s ruptured achilles, klay’s torn acl, curry being hit by bus near end of game 6
no one sure if academy awards after-party going to have food
man who cried himself to sleep last night has some great ideas for growing company's brand
new video game technology finally allows rendering of smaller breasts
hot girl's number lingered on
man who actually needs grey poupon unable to bring self to ask
parents gently explain to son why family dog had to be blown up with dynamite
man can still win fantasy football this week provided tight end scores 9 touchdowns on monday
international space station tented to spray for xenomorphs
unemployed man vows to wake up early, finish watching movie
religion triggers brain’s reward centers
panicked agriculture secretary momentarily forgets what corn is
defiant customers refuse to return recalled crib
israeli high-school students hoping suicide bombing postpones exam
bored 4-year-old mixes things up by watching movie she’s only seen 97 times
rain told to go away in 1986 returns
clinton throws flash grenade to divert attention from question about senate voting record
rolling stones kick off 'sing our songs for us' tour
new $50 million planetarium opens young minds to wonders of pink floyd
wedding strains relationship to breaking point
perverted wall gets off on making apartment guests look at exposed brick
news: devastating: this guy knows exactly how black people should act around police officers, but he has no black friends to tell about it
condoleezza rice drives halfway to airport before realizing she forgot interpreter
lame cyberattack on atlanta doesn't even turn atms, street sweepers into killing machines
mama duck doesn't recall asking for injured baby to be rescued from road
report: 50% of heaven’s population just assholes who begged for forgiveness at last second
power-plant employee sneaks electricity home in lunchbox
$50 million worth of diamonds stolen in average day in brussels
fourth-grader with shark tooth necklace must have killed great white
45 million gallons of crude blood lost in red cross pipeline rupture
white male privilege squandered on job at best buy
badass surgeon puts on fingerless latex gloves before operating
world-eating leviathan awoken from 500-million-year slumber in martian underground lake after feeling sonar disturbance
7 firework pranks we did on mr. daley today before someone told us that his wife of 62 years had just died
interminable nightmare of buying wrong toilet paper in bulk nearly over
life: finding purpose: when doctors told this woman she’d never walk again, she made it her mission to ensure no one else would either
transplanted new yorker disappointed with local bagel scene
report: this just the 30th wake-up call woman needed
paul ryan worried history may judge him harshly for failure to confront tyrannical food stamp abusers
follow-up tests confirm president trump's 19 other personalities also perfectly healthy
real-life michelin man dies at 87
applebee's introduces new 50 appetizers for $250 special
onion social ceo appears before hague tribunal to be tried for crimes against humanity, promote new website features
americans hopeful this will be last mass shooting before they stop on their own for no reason
man's streak of getting great parking spot ends at 37
the future of driving: tesla just unveiled a car that automatically apologizes when it hits someone
video: throwback review: ‘goldeneye’ sucks because you don’t get to collect any gems
frito-lay family of products leaned on during difficult time
time announces new version of magazine aimed at adults
report: south korea developing new pop group capable of reaching u.s.
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reince priebus forced back into ancient puzzle box after being tricked into saying name backwards
man confused by compliment from person whose career he can’t help
diet candy's aftertaste experienced 12 years later
nation waiting for protesters to clearly articulate demands before ignoring them
aztec extremists cut out visiting pope's heart
woman wakes husband up on valentine's day with hot surprise blowtorch
siblings quietly relieved oldest brother setting bar so low
new law requires sex offenders to inform residents before moving into their homes
world unites in desire to have a little more time between terrorist attacks
god hurting after eating 20-piece spicy angel wings
eco-friendly junkies launch needle re-use program
cackling julian assange disintegrates into lines of code as baffled authorities attempt to handcuff him
john ashcroft: 'obey'
10-year-old shocked woman from 'guinness book' who can pop her eyes out not a millionaire
reality show slowly sinks in
experts recommend changing batteries in smoke detector every 6 fires
architect asks self how le corbusier would have designed this strip mall
man flashes hand stamp to bouncer like badge of field agent entering crime scene
mobile news crew reports on own van breaking down
entire room mentally shaving man's facial hair
italy, japan advance to g8 finals
life: keeping it civil: 7 polite and constructive ways to talk to your conservative relatives about your multicultural, god-bashing sex robot
a crisis of faith: pope francis has left the catholic church to worship a monster truck he saw flatten 30 school busses
conservative acquaintance annoyingly not racist
trump revokes puerto rico recovery funds after learning hurricane maria had fewer survivors
love for jesus inspires honk
i'll bet a lot of moms watching right now are thinking "fuck you"
rotating knife vortex closed pending safety investigation
rich thrill-seeker takes the bus
area man glad his brother is giving mom grandkids
mytron the fifth, illuminati ruler and secret overlord of all humanity, dead at 112
friendly cashier persona briefly dropped to address trainee
5 questions: ‘netflix will now report you to the authorities if you watch more than 60 minutes of tv at a time’: 5 questions with netflix ceo reed hastings
fbi launches nationwide manhunt for new office manager
nation spooked after running into creepy old night watchman
13.5 million americans tune in to watch animal planet’s ‘puppy parlay’ during dnc debate halftime show
negligent oaf sloppily packs away board game without so much as a thought to future players
report: it a miracle nothing has punctured your eye yet
hero firefighter: 'i'm a hero'
economists estimate human civilization still years away from turning profit
thai soccer player still waiting for parents to pick him up
library of congress adds 3 titles to list of films that should be destroyed forever
aides advise obama to avoid any mention of america during state of the union speech
last people left at party a ragtag assembly of friends of friends
gop releases new letter supporting kavanaugh signed by orrin hatch 500 times
hero: when this man heard that a handful of people are crushed each year from vending machines tipping over, he decided to hold out for a bigger problem to address
optometrist sets pressure of air puff test way higher for asshole patients
u.s. flag recalled after causing 143 million deaths
older brother accused of cushion-fort prisoner abuse
next generation to take a pass on aerosmith
firefighters turned away from exclusive nightclub blaze
trump shaping general election strategy with team of most trusted erratic impulses
clinton consults surgeon general on behalf of friend curious about homosexuality
girl finally speaking up enough for people to critique her speaking voice
point of story apparently that man ate at restaurant
report: some people wake up when it's still dark outside
news: good fucking luck: the substitute teacher who just called a.j. ‘andrew john’ during roll has no clue how things run around here
must see: inspiring: this teenager is the first person in his family
couple tired of always having same knife fight
man starting to think addams family not like other families
sellout crowd greets sellout band
report: west virginia feeling pretty smug right about now
dzhokhar tsarnaev rushes out of summer class to make court hearing
exxon donates $70 million to clean up portland man's life
jay-z: 'on second thought, i like orlando more'
blog: every time you jump into the deep end to save my drowning daughter you’re actively criticizing my parenting
george thorogood fan disgusted to learn musician licensed 'bad to the bone' for commercial purposes
gwen stefani mispronounced the colbert report...
national parks closed for annual remajestification
doll-housing crisis set to worsen, mean older brother says
senators wish domenici would bring dog to work more often
justice at last: this man spent 38 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit, so now they’re letting him commit that crime!
indonesian mother sews halloween costumes for 60,000 children
man finally unpauses 'super mario bros.' after 18 years of chores
news: incredibly moving: alicia keys found out a kid has been bullied in school
man on gurney has brief word with protagonist before entering ambulance
nation’s still-undecided voters: ‘help, we can’t get our car seatbelts off’
paul hogan keeps pitching crocodile dundee saturday-morning cartoon
real-life nancy drew traces source of her hpv
situation in nigeria seems pretty complex
phalanx of lawyers stares hungrily from back cover of phone book
4 times oprah winfrey forgot to arrange prizes for her audience so she just gave away some of her hair
fda figures it will get around to regulating supplements with names like black widow, yellow demon
russell westbrook quietly asks rockets team doctor if he needs to make free throw to pass physical
frustrated nation calls for updated zip-line infrastructure
showerhead self-conscious about single jet that sprays sideways
voters clamoring to know if female political candidate a mother first
u.s. economy continues campaigning for barack obama
life: heartwarming: chris pratt surprised this terminally ill iron man fan by visiting him wearing robert downey jr.’s skin
mob of rowdy mothers bum-rush botanical garden
hazmat worker sees no reason to throw away all this perfectly good food
police find adorable little skeleton
stunned nation mourns as french stewart survives plane crash
nation's stomach ulcers predict trump administration will provide opportunities for unlimited growth in 2017
life: 6 things that only australians will understand, so if you’re not australian, now would be a good time to go masturbate
irs can't believe area man didn't get a raise last year
fda recommends at least 3 servings of foods with word 'fruit' on box
cool it: this high schooler is really milking the fact that her birth control alarm just went off in the middle of class
the pros and cons of flying the confederate flag -e
brad bird based elastigirl on his own mom after seeing her stretch her neck several yards to eat a bird midair: everything you need to know about ‘incredibles 2’
child’s description of heaven during near-death experience specifically mentions book deal
delicate pastry not made for this world
world map rearranged to accommodate poor geography skills of americans—nations ordered alphabetically
report: female interns earn only three-fourths of college credit that male counterparts do
report: it the part of night where everyone just sort of goes around and remembers commercials they liked
pilot shudders to imagine why passengers taking red-eye to atlantic city
video: amazing: this man didn’t get a good look at his friend’s vacation photo, but he still acts impressed
physicist brings in particle from home he's been meaning to accelerate
kinky lawn chair likes leaving woman with marks all over her legs
conservation group condemns waterboarding as wasteful
usda rolls out new school brunch program for wealthier school districts
defiant mitch mcconnell holds merrick garland’s severed head aloft in front of capitol building
incredible wizardry: this man somehow fooled his penis into thinking his hand was a vagina
ammonia-factory leak exposes texas town to mexican working conditions
time-traveling hillary clinton warns self to do everything in exact same way
well, i guess maybe they followed through...
guy washing hands for full 5 seconds like he’s going into surgery
new 'wacky wipers' make driving in the rain fun
housing prices spike as tech employee takes stroll through neighborhood
area woman thinking about doing that thing where she's mean to other women she meets for no reason
timeline of the democratic party
celine dion served luxurious cat food in crystal goblet
heroic man rushes into movie theater, saves 4 seats
nation excited to see whatever bile the internet spews up today
school teacher not about to risk her life for derek
parenting win! this illuminati member sends his kids to school with adorable little messages hidden on their lunch money
thrilling: this ice officer currently escorting an immigrant woman away from her family is thinking about which movie star would play him in a film called ‘american sentinel’
ceo unveils bold new plan to undo damage from last year's bold new plan
some fucking guy at warner bros. wondering what shooting of 12 means for ticket sales
with the money the government spends to buy the army just one attack helicopter, it could buy me an attack helicopter
glade introduces new spring meadow fire extinguisher
terrified jeb bush beginning to fade from visible spectrum
commuter playing some sort of alphabet sudoku
krispy kreme doughnuts described to sioux city relatives
boss encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work
god humbled to be the answer to 'jeopardy!' clue
nasa discovers distant planet located outside funding capabilities
publicist schmoozes wife into sex
biden searching white house one last time for missing pet snake
terrified laptop wakes up inside case
congress forgets how to pass a law
george r.r. martin announces next book to feature pixies, dracula
hfnewhf
embarrassed whale panicking about huge barnacle outbreak before date
son needs costume, 30 individually wrapped treats tomorrow morning for some school celebration
bush acquired by martian zoo
area boyfriend much nicer before sex
man entering fog of insanity asked if this his first time at dave & buster's
lone tent a dark harbinger of looming street festival
the secret to my 65-year marriage is trust, respect, and threatening to kill myself if she leaves
restaurant entrance doesn't work all damn day to be called 'other door'
woman drawn to shampoo with most gruesome description of hair
morbidly obese pumpkin wins contest
inspirational? something happened in lithuania with a sick little boy and an abandoned dog and an ant-man costume but we can’t quite put the pieces together using google translate
new study finds 85% of americans don't know all the dance moves to the national anthem
you’re santa! can you master the sleigh and deliver gifts to all the good boys and girls?
take this cognitive behavioral test to see if you are a psychopath
woman, gay best friend go on another one of their little adventures
mlb players association advises remaining free agents to try adding keywords like ‘baseball’ to resumés
major continuity error: hbo is apologizing in advance for a scene in the ‘game of thrones’ finale where jon snow’s cell phone goes off and his ringtone is a 16-bit version of the show’s theme song
new robot capable of unhealthily repressing emotion
hillary clinton opens chili's franchise just outside of washington, d.c.
dripping-wet josh holloway enters local restaurant
what celebrities who died young would look like today
tips for throwing the perfect baby shower
video: could humans one day die on mars?
bored assistant principal browses through confiscated items
area man having one of his little bursts of energy where he tries to write a song
fcc assures nation their favorite verizon websites won't be affected by net neutrality repeal
life: “i am the one with the telescope”: 5 questions with neil degrasse tyson
news: silver lining: hurricane irma could be strong enough to finally power walt disney’s lazarus machine
news: major third-party victory: jill stein and gary johnson have been selected as podiums for tonight’s debate
cops bust filthy, unshaven mark zuckerberg for selling personal data on street corner
it would really help me out if you guys could just give up your health insurance this one time
obama reminds nation that he's taking personal day next friday
report: decision to read this headline has erased future daughter 'emily' in all possible timelines
danny devito a lot taller, thinner in person
senate bill to end u.s. role in yemen war rejected by house raytheon executives
gary johnson worried he peaking too early after hitting 9% in polls
child at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way
man desperately trying to wring every last ounce of relaxation from final day of vacation
ice argues migrants in camps are free to die at any time
'en passant,' whispers mueller as he knocks another pawn off chessboard in shadowy, dimly lit office
new study going to take another week or so, report scientists who look as if they've been crying
9 things introverts do all the time
new poll finds americans view death of close relative more favorably than congress
lee greenwood urges u.s. to take military action against iraq
new pepsi product specifically mentions target demographic in name
house passes resolution overnight apologizing if precious racism resolution came off too harsh
new gym member lingers by free weights for several seconds before returning to elliptical machine
cia chief admits to torture after six-hour beating, electrocution
facebook satire tag aims to stop you getting fooled by the onion
health insurance ceo reveals key to company's success is not paying for customers' medical care
we have our own version in the middle east, called the pan arabia enquirer. it may not be at the same level, but it's excellent content and brings a lot of smiles around our areas. check it out for some new flavor. (mods, sorry for non-onion link)
report: half of all americans probably should have thought of that before they opened their mouth
viewer outraged
must see: could the amazon employee crouched under our kitchen tables be spying on us?
study finds medical marijuana effective for treating long-term pain over jerry garcia’s death
swollen rex tillerson spotted rushing to place mouth over leaks spouting in keystone pipeline
increasingly horrified man listens to self explain what he does for a living
guy who got laid off just glad multi-national corporation will make it
romney: 'this is why they call me turnaround mitty from comeback city'
brewers players showering themselves in beer unaware they clinched playoff spot
college professor reminds students it will take a few classes to memorize everyone’s triggers
gaining momentum: marine le pen is surging in the polls after pledging to restrict france’s population to the 10 frenchest people on earth
employee wishes he had enough job security to voice opinion
couple’s fucked-up presex ritual involves tucking both kids into bed
troop gradually withdraws
area man gets terrible creative juices flowing
residents of philadelphia, cleveland at least relieved they can't host another one of these fucking things for few decades
lawyer urged by mother to include younger brother in murder trial
marianne williamson materializes on stage in cloud of purple smoke with message that dnc polling requirements no match for power of positive thinking
news: privacy win! facebook is adding a ‘protect my data’ button that does nothing but feels good to press
executive recalls booming private prison corporation’s humble beginnings as modest 6-cell facility
lindsey graham dining alone at applebee's kind of wishes protesters would come heckle him
email from mom sent at 5:32 a.m.
defensive laura ingraham challenges critics to try making list of prominent conservatives without including few white supremacists
i can't stand it when jews talk during movies
scientists warn ionosphere one top-40 hit away from exploding
life: what a hassle: this man donated his body to science and now scientists feel all obligated to do something with it
mother given gift basket of soaps, bubble bath hopefully takes hint that she smells like shit
rachel maddow claims new audio damning enough to pad out entire week's worth of shows
lone superdelegate voting for martin o’malley feels like total fucking idiot
alcohol-themed bar opens
meek coworker taken down a notch
watching tv shows on dvd the way to do it, area man reports
team fortress 2 poster mistaken for us propaganda on russian state television
'i feel your pain,' romney tells campaign rally attendees who make $20 million a year
reddit cracks down on ‘toxic’ users
epa urges flint residents to stop dumping tap water down drain
song deemed good enough to put girlfriend on shoulders
heartwarming! this cop cares so much for the people in his town that he doesn’t kill them!
latest bin laden tape for completists only
light beer healthiest food option at stadium
news: hot hot hollywood: selena gomez has gotten inside of a subaru and is shuffling cards while listening to a cd of haunted-house sound effects
twitch streamer sets new record for longest stream lying dead on camera
department of labor study confirms your job most demanding
this small business owner was about to declare bankruptcy. then he remembered to hustle and grind. now he is billionaire.
report: it still nowhere near okay to act like donald trump
struggling rainforest cafe adds thousands of animatronic patrons to restaurants
twitter rant: head over heels: vincent d’onofrio is falling deeply in love with a twitter spambot trying to sell him ray-bans
victoria's secret also andrew's secret
hope hicks instructed to clean up all the evidence in her office before leaving
hotel forgives guest after flock of seagulls destroyed room in 2001
'it's not too late to reverse the alarming trend of climate change,' scientists who know it's too late announce
study finds majority of urban households located in roller rink deserts
news: inclusivity win: chex mix has announced that their little circle pretzels look like wheelchair wheels
report: bots now make up 22% of twitter executives
study finds man starting 'analyze this' during flight to boston currently happiest person in america
weak, exhausted nancy pelosi given saline drip following hours-long attempt to stand firm in convictions
area man a staunch single-gender voter
life: game changer! this new portable breathalyzer tells you when you’re drunk enough for a cigarette!
nascar logo slowly creeping across u.s.
fox news debuts premium channel for 24-hour coverage of alexandria ocasio-cortez
weak-willed coward changes opinion after learning he was wrong
newly unearthed journals reveal j. robert oppenheimer annoyed trinity test researchers by quoting 'bhagavad gita' every time they did anything
dreamcatcher on rearview mirror protects sleeping driver
woman sues parents of cyclist she killed with her suv, complaining "her enjoyment of life has been be lessened"
guy washing hands for full 5 seconds like he's going into surgery
congolese rebel can't bring himself to care about congolese war
heritage foundation lowers another retired gop senator into vat of strategists
aides request john bolton please stop setting fire to middle east tactical map
actually way worse than the alternative: this teen is going through puberty with incredible confidence
congress adds 'all your base are belong to us' amendment to bankruptcy bill
scientists ask congress to fund $50 billion science thing
how to stick to your new year’s resolutions
erik estrada big in mexico
petulant 12-year-old refuses to brown the ground chuck
martin shkreli faces rough stay in prison system where inmates who funded hair theft are lowest caste
how to avoid falling for marketing gimmicks
knife-throwing, plate-spinning congressman dominates newscasts
man strains to find personalities in pet fish
retiree purchases recliner he'll eventually die in
ethicists worry emergence of designer babies might make them look really ugly in comparison
cancer researchers: ‘don’t get cancer’
football fan wears off-season body paint
news: power play: tim cook just installed the only iphone 7 headphone jack into his abdomen
aol/time warner turmoil over-reported, says time
audubon society reveal they’ve only seen, like, 3 birds
'i'm afraid you won't be coming to our new headquarters,' declares alexa as amazon execs find themselves locked in seattle office
police finally make breakthrough in decades-old marijuana possession cold case
my doctor told me i should vaccinate my children, but then someone much louder than my doctor told me i shouldn’t
news: recycling win! this environmental startup takes old car tires and will figure out what to do with them eventually
advertising manager working hard to teach son value of an impression
life: humble hero: meet the secret service agent responsible for specifically protecting president obama’s legs
upcoming 'red dead redemption 2' expansion allows players to experience story from horse's perspective
girlfriend's birthday weekend a nightmarish, labyrinthian journey through her darkest, most depraved desires
seeing eye dog really blows off some steam in dog park
unsettling study finds second cousins technically fair game
u.s. middlemen demand protection from being cut out
this is pron, if you know what i mean
investors remind mark zuckerberg he can’t fuck with them like the simpering cowards in congress
passing the torch: the jim henson company has announced that steph curry will replace the late george h.w. bush as the voice of the swedish chef
"i feel vulnerable ... no cop should have to worry about that" - cop explains how it feels to live every day in fear someone might record you brutalizing a civilian
someone filming b-roll at pike place market right now
eco-conscious hotel lets guests decide whether they want room’s towels washed before next guests arrive
nation’s money constantly disgusted by what americans doing with it
report: most americans can’t even name their state’s shadow lord
report: more americans setting aside money in case of pr emergency
'oh, was i not enough for you?' amazon echo asks couple bringing new baby home
victoria's secret introduces 3-inch patch of satin to place anywhere on body
news: fall from grace: the dalai lama has broken his vow of celibacy by masturbating to a picture of jessica rabbit in an airport bathroom
eighty percent of al-qaeda no. 2s now dead
fat kid avoids ridicule by swimming with shirt
siblings each hoping other one will take care of aging parents someday
sports banquet ends in trophy fight
harried woman on train quickly doing plastic surgery on face before work
budget-conscious obamas strongly pushing malia toward udc community college
culture shock: culture shock: everything you need to know about ‘sex and the city’
barista the only person in coffee shop with job
university of nevada renames vito corleone school of business following latest accusations against benefactor
man just using virgin mary to get to jesus
r.l. stine reveals slappy from night of the living dummy was gay
monopoly releases special 'regular monopoly' edition
newly tenured professor now inspired to work harder than ever
man completely blindsided by seemingly normal stranger telling him to ‘have a blessed day’
alarming: 9 out of 10 americans have no plan in place should someone on their basketball team ever pass them the ball
leaked george lucas sex tape includes digitally inserted footage of jabba the hutt
teen boulder can't wait for landslide to roll it into ravine where they get it
unstoppable killing machine out of toner
parents sit down with child for 'sex, lies, and videotape' talk
madd psa clarifies it’s okay to drive drunk if it’ll be big pain to get car tomorrow
man solemnly realizes there always going to be other apartment hunters out there smarter, faster, more cunning
if black lives matter isn’t a racist hate group, then can someone please explain to me why i keep insisting they are?
dozens of panicked mar-a-lago guests crowd front desk to check out after fbi agents spotted at hotel
area veal calf is totally cramped!
star trek introduces alien character with totally different forehead wrinkles
listener consumed by spittle on corner of mouth
bunch of numbers from where daddy works means no trip to disney world
patriothole: i hope you disgusting dems are happy, because now a known sex pervert has a bunch more free time on his hands
vending machine most up-to-date technology in school
life: something must have happened: this woman with a huge engagement ring is buying single-ply toilet paper
dnc files lawsuit alleging nation should never, ever stop focusing on 2016 election
man swells with shame after entering zip code into girl scout cookie locator
guy on roof starting to think he might get away with it
drama queen waiter completely full of shit about plate being too hot to touch
man's neuroses really putting genuine compliment through the wringer
the 6 alien species currently fighting for control over earth | most extreme news
voters glad they got hope in politicians out of system for next election cycle or two
budget cuts force british government to shut down mysterious seaside village
news: honoring the fallen: youtube will now limit fail compilations to a maximum of three clips where someone pretty clearly dies
silicon breast implants perform millions of calculations per second
study: u.s. wastes 2 million hours annually figuring out where tape roll starts
night of watching game show network leaves man concerned about life insurance
trump relieved to learn both teams in stanley cup finals overwhelmingly white
bush defends deny-side economics
viagra announces real medicine that gave customers erections was confidence all along
tourist in white house gift shop browses rack of security clearances
boy stops worshipping dad at record age of 3
exhausted florida resident returns home after weathering harrowing week with family out of state
grandma hangs on to spend one last christmas with nursing home staff
life: off the rails: the actor playing willy loman in this production of ‘death of a salesman’ is refusing to die and the cast is now improvising the rest of his life
man trapped under boulder braces for possible good morning america interview
every grandparent from ‘willy wonka & the chocolate factory,’ ranked by how much they pissed in the bed they shared
newly discovered cave paintings suggest early man was battling a lot of inner demons
obama debuts annoying catchphrase
stray dad found in lumber section of the home depot
too late now to switch from checkout line with talkative cashier
they’ve got reservations
desperate dole promises best prom ever
life: amazing: this woman was able to turn her love of baking pies into a thankless, financially ruinous career
new desktop folder created for sad little creative project
trump maps out plan for first 100 days of not conceding election
virginia governor calls on state to move past racist legacy of last few weeks
study finds high school students retain only one-third of obsolete curriculum over summer
‘when you’ve got the longest, cutest eyelashes in the rap game like i do, you’re gonna be a target for beef’: 5 questions with drake
nation to try channeling outrage over gun control into issue that can actually be addressed
apple introduces revolutionary new laptop with no keyboard [video]
woman walking alone at night picks up pace after spotting truck full of alabama lawmakers slowly following her
inhibitions dropped after first sip of beer
‘ass’ finally inducted into video game hall of fame
john kelly relieved trump so fucking stupid he'll believe woodward made up disparaging quotes
they said what?!: find out what drew scott, alicia keys, and gregg popovich have to say
we literally do not give a fuck: rhode island is expecting 4 inches of snow this week and can also eat shit for all we care, get this off our timeline
netflix cancels 'jimmy carter's world of peanuts'
lots of mature ladies are willing to shake iqgk3t3z0
poll finds 100% of americans blame shutdown entirely on colorado representative scott tipton
wendy's new homestyle chicken strips salad shamelessly touted
boss really getting on man's ass about finishing ncaa bracket
the onion review -- week of june 6, 2014
life: beautiful: ‘cosmo’ is making up for years of photoshopping models to be thinner by photoshopping cara delevingne into a 2,600-pound behemoth
john edwards pays $30 to register edwards2016.com just in case
senate rejects pipeline plan that would have created thousands of climate activist jobs
zip-loc introduces new party sub sandwich baggies
terrifying uniformed bachelorette party storms local bar
lawn failing to pull off big rock in corner look
divorcing parents assure anxious kids that dog still loves them
hershey's unveils some new chocolate bullshit for you to cram into your fat maw
physically fit, emotionally stable kim jong-un addresses un after finally getting nuclear ambitions out of system - the onion
area man outraged his private information being collected by someone other than advertisers
man who skipped airport’s moving walkway immediately realizes what an arrogant fool he’s been
sunset shot at
lester holt begins debate by reiterating he doesn't know who these fucking people are
devastating: kid makes the ‘pull horn’ sign but the trucker accidentally pulls the self destruct cord
mike pompeo can’t believe senate just expects he’ll answer questions without being tortured first
old dryer abandoned by train tracks now a vital part of ecosystem
nobel prize awarded to man who helped humans have more fucking babies
chase executives fondly recall financial company’s hip-hop roots
all the good sentiments on 'get well soon' card already taken
pork chop trapped in airtight container
violent death of human being terrific news for once
blind date pronounces every syllable of word 'comfortable'
paul ryan slits auto mechanic's throat to kick off gop purge of working class
james bond fans concerned after learning new film's shooting locations all in new hampshire
new study finds most of earth’s oxygen used for complaining
area 8-year-old formally rescinds hunger complaint following mother's insulting banana offer
steve bannon slurps still-twitching tail into mouth before giving opinion on syria
man coasting through life entirely on benefit of doubt
inclusivity win! this 6-year-old boy’s imaginary friend is a 55-year-old japanese woman!
embarrassed library of congress can’t believe some of the albums it used to be into
satirist onion inc. said to hire adviser for sale
astronaut piloting cargo ship leaves note on side of iss after accidentally knocking off solar array
teens throwing rocks at overgrown, long-vacant supreme court seat
news: donald trump jr.’s meeting with a russian lawyer: what we know so far
shared memory of children's television show leads to sex
‘football saved my life,’ says man who will be left paralyzed by sport
decision to circle parking lot produces carbon emission that finally does it
female director asked if she feels comfortable filming scene while nude
publicist's single dream in life for nation to have wes bentley fever
president’s cathartic words help nation begin to heal following yet another senseless ‘saturday night live’
white house photographer disturbed to find faint, ghostly image of melania trump in background of every photo
paul allen to leave $10,000 to everyone who shares this post
promotional pen covered in deadly virus
romney celebrates florida win with all-night miami beach rave
grandma at mechanic to get radio stations set
nasa launches david bowie concept mission
obama trying out social policies in 'second life'
netanyahu provides stunning new evidence that iranians planned sacking of babylon in 539 b.c.
report: biggest parenting fear remains losing child in high-stakes poker tournament
sex life embellished during doctor visit
standoff in ivory coast threatens to boil over into full-scale news blurb
woman leaving meeting worried she came off as too competent
if you want to achieve enlightenment, you'€™re gonna have to go through me
apple unveils much-anticipated iphone 4se
life: 8 laundry hacks you have to start using
shelter dog eating own shit not exactly doing itself any favors
report: album as good as 'sgt. pepper' comes out about once every month
glossary of terms
giddy tim kaine presses face against campaign bus window as horse trailer drives by
gated community interviews dozens for exclusive drug dealer position
democrats unveil 324 million new slogans to appeal to each u.s. resident individually
area mom raving about phoenix airport
rosetta stone offers new spanish language course for pandering presidential candidates
greyhound now offering direct service from kansas to l.a. porn director's driveway
life: 7 of the least depressing rest areas to stop at while you’re driving to another state to get an abortion
chuckling cops attempt to imitate sound of man being hit by taxi
himalayan goat dies following failed everest climb
right side of fish tank where all the action at
sae fraternity at yale university accused of hosting 'white girls only' party
hard times hit springsteenville
bowling green state just going to claim christopher lloyd as alumnus until someone calls them out
report: income inequality most apparent during fifth-grade classmate's birthday party
report: majority of americans now answering to name 'lardface'
supreme court understudy fills in for scalia
mind-blowing history: this photo of u.s. and iraqi soldiers banding together to disembowel an elvis impersonator during the gulf war will take your breath away
fabled lost city of gold finally discovered off i-95 outside baltimore
baskin-robbins’ cash register interface just big button for ice cream
report: there never been a better time to buy than right now
news: a sensible plea: viacom is urging people writing erotic ninja turtle fan fiction to keep in mind the physical challenges posed by the turtles’ bulky shells during lovemaking
obama caught trying to jump white house fence
5 disney princesses reimagined as caucasian
six flags adds sleeper cars to its roller coasters for passengers who prefer more restful ride
who is mike pence?
news: doing what’s right: if you die before your pizza is delivered, domino’s will deliver it to your next of kin
nasa’s mars roomba begins mission to clean dust from planet’s surface
neil gorsuch vows to interpret constitution using scalia’s original intent
trump vomits immediately after seeing everyday americans up close
line to meet sarah palin goes straight through mall fountain
guidance counselor prefaces sat results by talking about test's flaws
could bryce harper convince mike trout to follow him to a giant pile of money?
shit parking ticket fuck
‘nothing is more attractive than confidence,’ says woman who has apparently never seen sonic the hedgehog cosplay
experts confirm rainforest ecosystem destroyed to make room for onion social server farm wasn't that impressive to begin with
science ftw! nasa just posted a tweet announcing that they’re thinking about doing a lunar eclipse tonight if there’s any interest
iranian scientist annoyed he has to go back to shitty old job building nuclear weapons
air wick introduces new piss scented bathroom diffuser
report: more children being raised with religion of pushier parent
aging mother threatens to get some sperm and shoot it in daughter’s womb herself if she doesn't hurry the fuck up
a new beginning: after formally ending their 65-year war, north and south korea have teamed up to invade italy
partygoer rolls a couple of fat burritos to pass around
man's eyes glaze over whenever politician starts threatening to plunge him into serf-like subjugation
new 'war' enables mankind to resolve disagreements
taste acquired
nra: 'please try to remember all the wonderful things guns do for us every day'
30-million-year-old species worried it doesn’t have another evolution in it
'are you the whistleblower?' trump boys ask white house janitor after giving him serum of all the sodas mixed together
sean spicer given own press secretary to answer media's questions about his controversial statements
area power walker looks just ridiculous
editors of 'good car' magazine: 'the 2013 hyundai sonata is a good car'
mute, terrified rubio awakes to find self unable to vocalize any unscripted sentiment
officials: clear similarities between boeing 737 max 8 crashes
report: it apparently time in conversation to smile, laugh
you must learn them: 6 secrets for enjoying a big cup of soda
supreme court justice application asks for 3 sample opinions
everyone involved in pizza's preparation, delivery, purchase extremely high
commerce secretary urges nation to get in on piece of the action
new pre-sauced napkins can be thrown away straight from package
senior prank somehow leaves high school with increased math funding
family excited to see dad making friends in new neighborhood
local dullard opts for vocational school
clean-shaven, tuxedoed james holmes charms courtroom in latest appearance
area dad needs more time with museum plaque
more office workers switching to fetal position desks | video | the onion
'what about that whole birth certificate thing?' romney suggests to staff
'scooter' libby wishes he'd ditched nickname before media coverage
they said what?!: find out what james cameron, ken burns, and amy adams have to say
secretary of agriculture gently reminded about dress code
frank gehry no longer allowed to make sandwiches for grandkids
hummingbird back at feeder again, grandmother reports
house condescendingly approves $400 in added stimulus
seeds of discontent
buyer of $450 million da vinci painting sort of assumed it would come with frame
'farm aid aid' concert to benefit struggling farm aid concerts
5 questions: ‘i had to squeeze my testicles between two cinderblocks to get angry enough to write “lose yourself”’: 5 questions with eminem
house democrats issue condemnation of ukraine for making it harder to avoid impeaching trump
outside not looking forward to people wanting to walk around in it again this summer
over 417,000 hours of private presidential conversations discovered after no one remembered to turn off richard nixon’s tape recorder
report: it crazy mlb still counts stats from segregated era
terrier bravely defends family from squeak
what is your amateur porn telling employers about you?
nypd tickets dead cyclist for obstructing bike lane
quiz: your parents are my parents now.
nbc unveils on screen graphic informing audience they are watching football
nation's optimists need to shut the fuck up right now
motion picture academy releases complete list of films that can be enjoyed without supporting sexual predator
national archives clearly stored constitution in three-ring binder
fantasy football star confident he can make leap to general manager of nfl team
this list of decorative placemats is a testament to our restraint at a time when literally any ‘game of thrones’ content whatsoever would go viral
upset red sox fan demands to speak to manager
otherwise savvy woman duped by mascara makers again
80 percent of u.s. populace now selling handmade jewelry
police homicide investigation uncovers cap in ass
senator misses simpler time when he could do abominable things in peace
coworker most valuable to office when he fails to show up
crowd roars in approval as makeup-smeared trump begs rally to tell him he’s beautiful
harvard officials say $8.9 million donation from jeffrey epstein was from brief recovery period when he wasn’t a pedophile
space shuttle endeavour: what's in it for me?
trump complains about overly complicated controls needed to operate modern-day doors
report: u.s. exported 6 billion tons of crude web content last year
news: taking precautions: donald trump is having the teeth of all of his cabinet members removed so they cannot bite him
child bankrupts make-a-wish foundation with wish for unlimited wishes
nasa launches first cordless satellite
woman could listen to british guy scream for help all day
paul ryan just put out a comprehensive 14-point plan to fully debase himself for the trump administration
every day of local dad's life an endless battle to hold on to good pen
north korea successfully harvests wheat in show of growing strength
fda defends decision to reclassify alternative milks as 'nut sweat'
guillermo del toro: 'in today's society, the true monsters are the horrifying, flesh-eating gargoyles'
news: it’s theirs now: dozens of bikers showed up to the capitol building and now it’s a biker congress
video: heartwarming! this man’s wife fell into a manhole 20 years ago and every day he still lowers a rotisserie chicken into the sewer for her
gop claims kavanaugh shouldn’t lose appointment for youthful indiscretion of repeatedly lying under oath
to differentiate itself from ‘playerunknown’s battlegrounds,’ the game has added a map set inside a law firm that specializes in the nuances of copyright infringement: everything you need to know about ‘fortnite’
12% of federal government that's currently functioning to shut down
bush followed everywhere by line of baby ducks
grandmother can't believe they let people with tattoos on price is right
whale won't shut up about time it was beached
dnc aiming to reconnect with working-class americans with new 'hamilton'-inspired lena dunham web series
unhinged man with jackhammer slips into construction site undetected
new job posting on craigslist clearly for secretary of the interior
indoor grill owner can't wait for start of autumn
latest attack: isis created a lamb chop puppet with a realistic human ass
trump fulfills campaign promise of pushing major immigration decision on someone else so he can watch tv
report: today the day woman either quits job or goes home and watches 4 hours of netflix
trump says russia helped him win election
nostalgic scientists rediscover polio vaccine
trump announces he'll pay legal fees of any rally attendee who beats up ted cruz
toaster really hitting its stride recently
jimmy fallon six tantalizing months from disappearing forever
woman rises early to sow seeds of day's first gchats
liechtenstein successfully tests teeny tiny nuclear bomb
shaven, cologned grandpa heads into town to rake in d-day pussy
fourth-grader named jackson to someday fire you
environmentalists speak out against excessive cheese logging
neighbors come together to watch bmw owner struggle in snow
local idiot to post comment on internet
sweating obama admits drone strikes have been happening on their own
new ‘star wars’ film once again disappoints die-hard nien nunb fans
5 questions: ‘i’d like to order a scientific investigation into how tugboats can move boats that are so much larger than them’: 5 questions with elizabeth warren
‘sorry about the tornado or whatever,’ says trump wolfing down bowl of chili while consoling el paso shooting victim
vessel for male sexual gratification very sad today
network pushes the 'dumbing it down' envelope
man just having one of those decades where he doesn't feel like doing anything
new edition of emily post’s etiquette book to include chapter demonstrating proper way to lick maple syrup off plate
new ted nugent cologne tested on 'every goddamn animal we could find'
‘trust us, you don’t want our plan b’: gop lawmakers are trying to win support for brett kavanaugh by insisting that he’s pretty much the friendliest sexual predator they’ve got
otherwise reasonable man sincerely believes u.s. landed on moon
the onion remembers press secretary sean spicer: a valiant hero in the war against journalism
chris evans said what?!
life: keeping her memory alive: this deceased teen is still getting sexually charged instagram messages 18 months after her death
internet explorer makes desperate overture to become default browser
al-qaeda sitcom filmed before live studio hostages
department of agriculture locates perfect goat
here are some handy tips for treating a sunburn
thousands of americans to notice first signs of dementia while visiting parents over holiday
news: a good helper: donald trump jr. has been guarding the oval office with a tennis racket since the president left the country
man sadly realizes cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host party with all his friends
kid figures he'll go down slide 35 more times then call it a day
8-year-old forced to eat organic macaroni and cheese
area man released after being wrongfully employed for 9 years
porn actress very nearly appears to enjoy ejaculation in face
encouraging new study indicates majority of u.s. students can now recognize math
eighth-grader hasn't missed a '69' joke opportunity all year
study: u.s. best place for women to buy jeans
pope francis lays hands on ailing u.s. infrastructure
teenage girl blossoming into beautiful object | the onion - america's finest news source
heartwarming: american and isis forces came together to celebrate christmas
idea from this video for an onion story: us announces plans for nuclear winter to stem the tide of global warming.
isis recruiter excited to be talking to popular high schooler for once
new babysitter can already tell this kind of kid who gets naked for no reason
report: one in three americans will get dessert if someone else does
man overcomes fear of public urination
music playing in bar could stand to be louder, worse
news: medical nightmare: this woman is suing her hospital after a surgeon accidentally left his arm inside her after surgery
everyone glad someone else making small talk with disabled woman
breaking: america's white population plummets to 2.7% after trump caves on immigration enforcement
nation's drunk strangers announce plans to agree with anything one another says
green party official caught embezzling campaign funds for dime bag
iowa restaurant patron can remember every breakfast ruined by presidential candidates
federal troops seize neglected child in pre-dawn raid
ceo spends 30 percent of earnings staying out of jail
desperate wheel of fortune receives approval to use swear words
‘the onion’ proudly stands with the media as the enemy of the people
'well, that was cool,' say archaeologists before dumping bones of king richard iii back into hole
family moves elderly aunt into subconscious
study: universe actually shrunk by about 19 inches last year
nra sends complimentary bereavement gun baskets to families of shooting victims
biden frantically hitting up cabinet members for clean piss
4 hours scrolling through facebook before bed referred to as 'winding down'
news: doing its part: the nba is housing syrian refugees on whichever half of the court isn’t being played on
john bolton consoles self that at least he didn’t help to make world safer place
report: uttering phrase 'easy does it' prevents 78% of drywall damage while moving furniture
exit from apartment delayed 20 seconds to avoid pleasantries with neighbor
obama currently being chased in background of secret service hearing
trump sits down beside fire with quill and ink for evening writing out tweets
shotgun blast to abdomen just pisses wilford brimley off more
baby knocked out with cough syrup praised for being such a good little traveler
sir? yes, you there, fellow! perchance might we interest you in a miraculous enlargement of the penis?
wall street firm develops new high-speed algorithm capable of performing over 10,000 ethical violations per second
'oh god, what happened last night?' says groggy mike pence after waking up in same bed as wife
author to use water as metaphor
report: smart car terrible for doughnuts
justice stevens renews vows to supreme court in emotional reconfirmation hearing
brutalist beaver constructs paul rudolph-inspired dam
nbc on olympics coverage: 'sorry we didn't alter the laws of space and time to accommodate people's schedules'
article: gender equality win: paramount pictures is overlaying a video of a woman at half opacity on all its movies for the next year
grandma still swallowing okay, grandpa reports
new york city declares emergency over measles outbreak
'stranger things 2' creators say keen viewers will notice twinge of disappointment hidden in every scene
never-before-heard buzzword flying around office can't be good
samuel adams apologizes for 'boston sucks' pilsner
couple takes first steps toward divorce
jenny sanford: 'i'm loving these lax gun purchasing laws'
'old milwaukee book of world records' confirms title for most punches to shoulder
household death toll climbs to one
all the lame recommendations we got for what to do in seattle in 2016
sex officials add new base between second and third
americans have lost faith in government due to both parties’ failed promises to blow up mt. rushmore
man methodically explains origin behind every poster hanging in apartment
god almost forgot to kill dave elfman of boulder, co today
study finds fewer millennials want to live
woman assures you she's not mad
mom finds disturbing reading material in teenage son’s bedroom
john hickenlooper sets ambitious $250 fundraising goal for next debate cycle
security removes biden's rowdy buddies from auditorium
entire nyc subway system now consists of single handcar
office manager unveils new rule
man on date ready for question about siblings this time
grave miscalculation: this woman’s weekend-long trip with her friend should have really just been a lunch
in the know: are tests biased against students who don't give a shit?
congressman torn between meaningless pledge to anti-tax zealot, well-being of nation
female presidential candidate who was united states senator, secretary of state told to be more inspiring
redskins’ kike owner refuses to change team’s offensive name
terrorism storylines being added to tv shows as quickly as they were dropped
'god fucking dammit, you're a stupid fucking moron,' whispers woman who realizes she missed ice dancing
new hyundai owner sort of brags about it to co-workers
can a serial marijuana user like josh gordon fit in with the patriots’ cocaine-based culture?
middle manager follows proper procedure
frustrated rahm emanuel torn between addressing chicago's shootings, just fucking going for nation's murder capital
paul ryan adds 14-ounce training weights to speaker's gavel
stars of canceled show terrified fans will raise money for movie
the experience of a lifetime: beyoncé brought a lucky fan down into the sewer and let them sing ‘you’re a grand old flag’
day chalked up as loss by 10:15 a.m.
news: body positivity fail: these before and after photos clearly show that magazines have been airbrushing kate upton’s confederate flag birthmark for years
penny not so lucky for tortured soul of lincoln trapped inside
u.s. advises allies not to border russia
area man doesn't look jewish
hypochondriac maple tree always convinced it has asian longhorn beetles
woman speaks for record-breaking 8 hours without being interrupted by man
earthquake kills 54 rescue workers' weekend plans
latest department of interior river count comes up one short
scientists working to harness energy produced by intense fracking debates
family's euphemism for genitals really weird
clif bar introduces new savory clif loaf
church sign vandalized by satan
area man really banking on unconditional love doing most of heavy lifting for mother's day bouquet
u.s. loses u.n. membership after embarrassing video of nation surfaces on internet
tape dispensed
boy scouts celebrate proud history of preparing teens for not having cool friends
chase ceo giving commencement speech pledges to double whole class’s student loan debt
shameful: barack obama skipped my father’s funeral to go golfing
late night host eviscerates journalism industry for existing even though his show already does
ditch the personal trainer: 5 pretty bad stretches you can do at home
old lady at parade flapping little american flag like a motherfucker
old faithful brutally beaten to death by group of teens
wife kept up all night by kevin garnett talking trash in sleep
area sorority girl concerned about war and stuff
‘my goal is to become so great at snowboarding that christopher meloni is referred to as the chloe kim of acting’: 5 questions with chloe kim
7 of hillary’s stances that could come back to haunt her
controversial theory suggests aliens may have built ancient egypt's intergalactic spaceport
mike pence visits small town hit hard by kids seeing r-rated movies
museum staff braces for large group wearing same t-shirt
biggest guy in prison tired of every new inmate beating shit out of him on their first day
white house denied third mortgage
woman who has been let down by so many leave-in conditioners can't bear to put herself out there again
'the voice' amends rules to allow votes from those who aren't white landowning males
police report: sexual assault numbers under control, unless you count the super brutal ones
nation’s parents announce they have zero fucking patience for this bullshit
activists petition cupcake kingdom to address adorable housing crisis
chloe kim recalls growing up under parents' intense pressure to just chillax and shred the gnar gnar
5 things to know about ‘shazam’
life: 8 ways to make your mom’s birthday party at great clips as magical as possible
dad not going to pay someone to fix marriage when he can do it himself
man hates it when trailer gives away entire premise of movie
first kid to wake up at slumber party gets exclusive look at friend’s mom’s morning routine
trump: ‘i remember flying the plane that bombed the uss arizona during pearl harbor’
meredith vieira's today show debut marked by uncomfortable hour-long silence
many native americans still hold traditional beliefs about white man
bill gates finally getting into radiohead's kid a
news: internet ftw: someone photoshopped a gazelle next to donald trump, and it’s going viral under the assumption that it takes him down in some way
pence relaxes onstage by imagining entire debate audience burning in hell
either someone 14th caller or everything on fire at spanish radio station
they said what?!: find out what tim cook, tobey maguire, and wolfgang puck have to say
‘hey you, want to be a federal judge?’ says mitch mcconnell pointing to valet in heritage foundation parking lot
cat who seems a little grumpy today dying of esophageal cancer
pigeon feels silly about still being a little scared of plastic owl
newly released female iraqi prisoners offered playboy spread
moderator sternly issues final warning for tim kaine to stop playing with microphone
nation's sleep experts recommend cutting down on strobe light before bedtime
new wheelchair has that 'new wheelchair' smell
nation's prospective college applicants go straight to princeton review's 'best college radio station' rankings
demoted cop unsure why desk job considered punishment
this amazing new product called ‘monocle glue’ ensures your monocle won’t go flying off your face when your daughter tells you she’s marrying a commoner
storybook romance leads to in-flight-magazine marriage
elderly woman applying makeup most heartbreaking thing on earth
life: ah, fuck: these waterfalls are 100 percent beef
school surprised to learn student committed suicide over pressures of intro to communications
5 times harry potter used an unplugged 6-outlet power strip as a wand and mumbled ‘louie anderson’ instead of a spell, ranked by how fucked up the results were
chuck grassley voted against mlk day due to foreseeing how everyone would dishonor king's memory
bp ceo: 'we deeply regret the tragic loss of $4.5 billion'
man hates being put in position where he has to think, feel, or act
new law requires women to name baby, paint nursery before getting abortion
china slaughters population to control flu outbreak
life: fuck it: let’s rank the religions
bunch of people apparently saw that brendan fraser mummy movie
captor, captive have different senses of humor
world hunger: can new frito-lay zestitos solve the problem?
distraught mueller burns every piece of evidence in case after hearing trump's critique of u.s. intelligence community
the onion’s legal analysts have completed their official count of how many pages are in the mueller report
macaulay culkin hoping some 'funny or die' writer comes up with video idea for him
trump claims waterboarding doesn't come close to the excruciating torment he experiences at every moment
historical archives: a jest for you
tina yothers fantasy camp files for bankruptcy
ex-girlfriend's last electric-bill check remains uncashed in area man's wallet
heartbreaking: this buck-toothed gorilla is too dumb-looking to ever scare poachers away from his children
frustrated writer tosses another crumpled-up laptop in trash can
the gay rights movement in america: a timeline
news: hope for the gop: a nude paul ryan has just emerged from an ayahuasca tent with visions of a new republican party
medical mystery: this woman has seen dozens of doctors and none of them can tell her why she feels totally fine right now
news: major threat: the jeans from ‘the sisterhood of the traveling pants’ have been intercepted by isis
life: her final christmas? grandma’s looking pretty checked out this year
high school student, teacher applying for same summer waitressing job
advertiser reaches out to youth with off-set, mixed-typography font
hillary clinton waiting in wings of stage since 6 a.m. for dnc speech
trump vows to bring back ohio town's white castle
man in break room can still hear time clock ticking loudly
life unfair
bush to lovely chilean ambassador:'i must paint you'
notre dame scandalized after booster caught offering plenary indulgences
man competitive about how depressed he is
castro leaves hospital two years younger, four inches taller
visiting liberian dignitary in no hurry to leave
lanthanum quits periodic table of elements
27-year-old regrets 'funky cold medina' tattoo
new 'phone book' raising serious privacy issues
america a fascist police state, stoned underage drunk driver charges
i'm thirty years, now, and i had a presentation to find out i am.. e5kutgnzx
trump’s prefrontal cortex admits it can’t possibly filter all impulsive comments coming from rest of brain
calm sense of impending violence returns to middle east as ceasefire brokered
peyton manning’s 14-foot-tall wife crushes skull of sports journalist asking about hgh - the onion - america's finest news source
life: coolest. rock star. ever: sting just gave one lucky fan a 20-minute head start into the woods before beginning his relentless hunt
miracle baby born with job
smiling nation takes moment to enjoy thought of what rnc headquarters like right now
5 things to know about ‘avengers: endgame’
putting ice cream in bowl momentarily considered
paul ryan smiles, thumbs up way through question about specificity of tax plan
departing obama tearfully shoos away loyal drone following him out of white house
historical archives: notice to the publik
new voting booths lock americans inside for 45 minutes so they can consider decision before casting ballot
must see: too cute: the amphibian man from ‘the shape of water’ brought his mom to the oscars and it’s absolutely adorable
trump mocks christine blasey ford for forgetting basic facts about a woman's place
polls reveal, essentially, nothing
authorities claim the true austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid
lifelong newport smoker barely alive with pleasure
study finds goosebumps caused by psychotic weirdo masturbating to old photo of you
jennifer aniston engaged to guy who frankly will never replace brad
constrictive dress severs rachel mcadams at waist
christian slater dropped from list of names to drop
super 8 offering writers residency for anyone working on suicide note
woman dozing at coffee shop has that dave eggers sex dream again
curiosity rover finds 5 bucks on mars
life: we’re sorry to inform you that this white supremacist struggling to eat a giant burrito is all of us
woman panics after accidentally getting into exact-change lane
supreme court cock-blocks iowa man
while i don’t relish gutting newspaper payrolls, unfortunately sometimes it’s necessary so that i can have slightly more money
coworker who just threw fit and stormed out of room looked like total badass
look who came crawling back: the filthy public toilet stall you thought you were too good for turned out to be your best option
litany of lies: a third-grader’s reading log exposed
asian economic woes force layoffs of 700,000 pop stars
ashes of deceased presidents rubbed upon voters' heads in hallowed election day tradition
woman dots her 'i's with cute round marks
barnes & noble staffers mock orson scott card crowd from back of room
pile of dirty clothes on bedroom floor starting to mix with pile of clean clothes on bedroom floor
death withdraws icy hand from shoulder of caroline kennedy
local teen quits club that would've been tiebreaker in admission to dream school
awesome: home depot is now selling an incredibly weak pepper spray you can use on people who are annoying but not dangerous
when will the idiots on the other end of the political spectrum wake up and have every one of my life circumstances, daily interactions, and upbringing?
vatican canonizes john paul ii as patron saint of ignoring problem until you die
man betrays his heart by telling friend he can have last dumpling
14-year anniversary of 'crash bandicoot' passes by largely unnoticed
can somebody tell me what monsanto is so i can hate it?
westboro baptist church not really sure why they're picketing allan arbus' funeral
hanes apologizes, pulls t-shirts from shelves after seeing how local man looks in them
while i agree that hitler was one of history’s greatest monsters, i still feel bad that he never got to hear the beatles
well, doesn't area businessman look dapper for his big flight to philadelphia
man excited to give visiting friends the real fort wayne experience | the onion - america's finest news source
journalism win: ‘the washington post’ announced that everyone is born with 10,000 pinocchios and has to remove them by living a lifetime of honesty
lucky break: this teen boy just got another 4 years to plan his viral coming-out video
environmental ad campaign encourages turning shower off after showering
8th grader caked in makeup probably really confident
authorities say blacklight analysis shows velvet poster of mushroom kingdom looking even cooler than previously imagined
study reveals 93% of americans don’t know their congressperson truly, utterly, the way only two souls entwined can
tour de france won by rowdy, tattooed biker from harley davidson team
busy romney sorry he missed nation's piano recital
patriots hoping emaciated tom brady will end hunger strike over suspension appeal in time for training camp
so-called ‘atheist’ doesn’t even barge into churches screaming ‘you’re all brainwashed fools’
news: policy guy: paul ryan just put out a comprehensive 14-point plan to fully debase himself for the trump administration
boilermakers protest purdue's mascot
speed stick now available in neapolitan
single document engulfed in coworker’s 50-page printout
total weirdo spends mother's day at cemetery
olive garden voted best italian restaurant in annual 'milwaukee magazine' awards
bad news for the #resistance: sources close to mueller are suggesting the pee tape is real, but it is hot as hell, maybe the sexiest event ever caught on camera
jared kushner relieved he can finally stop anonymously buying all items ever sold from wife’s clothing line
here lonely girl looking for fun with the guys ycidza
washington monument set up on blind date with eiffel tower
suspicious new wikileaks document dump exposes how awesome and trustworthy u.s. government is
liquor's neon coloring likely good measure of its excellence
pornographic website visitor chooses subscription that's right for him
jay-z ceo resigns after stock price plunges
life: customer service ftw: jcpenney portrait studios will now provide a mopey teen who will sit for your family photo if your own mopey teen refuses to get out of the car
frenzied trump supporters admit they’d be just as happy tearing him to pieces
amc reports record revenues
archaeologists discover first hominid to own tools but never use them
louis vuitton releases new line of designer leather freezer bags
assistant coach finally works up courage to blow whistle
breaking: congressmen walking somewhere
30-year-old nes still wasting life playing video games
deep down, area man knows he's not done vomiting
glowing ahmadinejad: 'i am the nuclear weapon we've been building'
panhandler demands explanation for failure to provide quarter
trump deploys national guard to press conference for standing ovation
advertising firm unveils new mute-resistant commercials
keynote speaker enlightens entire generation with theme that world is changing
pope accepts senior analyst position at catholic think tank
biden forges president's signature on executive order to make december dokken history month
seasonal depression to take over for chronic depression for a few months
depressed nation really did not think it would take them this long to get over death of jack klugman
nursing home patient glad she's going home tomorrow every day
creature that craps in box too fancy for dry food
middle-aged couple sick of 31-year-old son always trying to set them up with other parents
depression symptom checklist speaking to area man as no poem ever could
ball park franks introduces new foot-wide hotdogs
bored gop vetting rand paul just to kill time before viable 2016 candidate emerges
lone, weak bystander targeted by pack of female friends who want their picture taken
ruth bader ginsburg debating whether to cancel winter vacation climbing k2
actual problem a nice change of pace for anxious man
secretary of treasury announces plan to remove gross penny from circulation
amazon ceo jeff bezos: my advice to anyone starting a business is to remember that someday i will crush you
blog: i wish the avatars were yellow (by james cameron)
bag of potatoes desperately searching for dirt
rod stewart mistaken for elderly aunt
super bowl stadium solemnly stands, places hands over heart for maroon 5 halftime show
report: fax machines still pretty impressive if you think about it
hillary clinton campaign shuts down after blowing through $2 billion in first month
kid diving into pile of leaves has no idea there homeless guy jerking off in there
town nervously welcomes veteran back home
the scream poster stolen from area dorm room
how i made 12 000 in 20 days without spending a dime?7o_dz_l5_3gz
manufacturer manufactures love to wife
3 cups of coffee confident they can take man’s anxiety from here
man wearing sunglasses upside down on back of head still recovering from paul walker’s death
stephen miller palms ice agent $50 bill in exchange for a little alone time with detained migrants
life: incredible: this innovative cpr dummy comes with a second dummy that audibly mourns its dead son
huckabee sanders tells colleagues she’s taking temporary post as google ceo before transitioning into full-time role as sultan of brunei
man with new generator hoping for power outage
cryptic long john silver's campaign just says 'you are the bait now'
teen’s natural drive to murder sexual rivals successfully channeled into ‘super smash bros.’ victory
clinton to get teeth cleaning, glasses before coverage runs out
speeding up the game: the mlb will no longer allow pitchers to deliver stirring monologues between pitches
horrified authorities discover one-day-old funnel cake abandoned in dumpster
senate passes bipartisan resolution preventing themselves from stopping trump
if hamster only knew what happened to last hamster
experimental anti-aging treatment still has few kinks, report infant researchers
open-minded music lover likes all kinds of metal
cameron crowe to release only soundtracks
my ex - whore, nickname: liza118. search can be registered
update: 'the onion' has halted production on our travel tips video narrated by jeremy piven
eulogy filled with pro-christian propaganda
104-year-old reveals secret to long life being cursed by witch to wander earth eternally
eric trump scolds father that he mustn’t inquire about the businesses, for he’s sworn not to tell
every driver in roundabout just winging it
major breakthrough: medical researchers just announced that a 400-pound child simply ain’t right
failed musician comes crawling back to hometown
nation horrified to discover cory booker already a senator
despite armie hammer profile in 'good housekeeping' magazine, 'lone ranger' a flop at box office
8 photos of fat emma stone that i have brought to you from my dimension at great personal cost
top issues for voters in the 2016 election
united states sends laos bill for 80 million undetonated bombs still left in country from vietnam war
'new york times' reader stoked after noticing article penned by favorite reporting duo
honda civic refusing to start engine in solidarity with striking uber workers
hope in students' eyes too much for screenwriting teacher to handle this week
new app matches you with others in vicinity who wasted $2.99 on same app
ted nugent talks that way even when buying socks
area dad to spend next few days or so telling son it important to respect women
pence unveils campaign to educate teens about dangers of premarital eye contact
dad spends entire vacation 8 steps ahead of family
a primer on everyday sexism
gunman opens fire in own mcdonald's
spooked rubio staffers drive slowly past abandoned jeb bush campaign headquarters
man has never given single definitive yes to any invitation he's ever received
disgusting gyro meat magically turns delicious after midnight
8-year-old boy surprises marine dad during firefight in afghanistan
man forced to pathetically comb through movie for familiar scene after falling asleep previous night
philip morris: 'please talk to your cooler children about cigarettes'
daytime-talk-show mixup leads to 1,000-pound- man makeover
cat likes it doggy style
beautiful: this boy put the basketball under his shirt and now he is pregnant with the basketball
the onion apologizes
warren buffett tells colleagues about exciting investment opportunity he recently discovered selling mary kay beauty products
watching thousands march in his honor unlocks deeper, darker corner of trump’s psyche
man's bloodstream enjoys hour-long intermission between coffee, alcohol blitzes
‘moonlight’ named best picture after mishap
blog: our country has become worryingly desensitized to violence in hot-sauce names
steven spielberg criticizes netflix for ruining golden age of pandering big-budget corporate films
new rnc ad endorses roy moore: ‘he’s a scumbag, but he’s our scumbag’
man invisible on gchat observes world from impregnable perch
political pundits surprisingly good at getting inside mentally unbalanced shooter's head
nation's financial advisors recommend capturing magical creature that grants wishes
dog doesn't consider itself part of family
'employees must wash hands' signs top iraqi hospital wish list
glorious heyday of youth spent in parking lot
applebee's steak sent back for not being properly slathered
are we meeting the needs of our nation's rich?
burned-out coffee-shop employee just lets paul simon play for fifth time
motorcyclist salvaged for parts
life: everyday hero: when this pregnant woman couldn’t find a seat on a train, this man decided to stand on his in solidarity
mask hysteria
abu ghraib inside joke lost on rest of world
deluded: this girl somehow thinks she’s going to be chosen to speak at graduation even though a kid in her class beat cancer
worthless dog can't talk, drive, solve crimes
corporate merger renders thousands of coffee mugs obsolete
27-year-old lies about every single aspect of his life to keep parents from worrying
beloved father and infrequent pornography user loses 3-year battle with cancer
migrant child coming down from drugs freaked out to discover cage actually real
alexandria ocasio-cortez said what?!
perfect gentleman does not assault drunk woman
25% of u.s. adults suffer hearing loss
enough is enough. it’s time for our politicians to ask the nra for permission to enact modest gun control measures.
dzhokar tsarnaev finally moves off campus
congress passes antisocial insecurity act
out-of-control angel kills dozens of bystanders at vatican air show
fat girl euphemized
mom's bathing suit just one giant, body-eclipsing ruffle
mother still searching for preschool that focuses exclusively on her son
'the economist' to halt production for month to let readers catch up
new dating website helps plus-size jewish plane crash survivors find love
charlottesville suspect might have received tacit support from high-level government figure
i’m not sure why i should suffer for something i did 10 years ago and would do again in a heartbeat
bush sr. apologizes to son for funding bin laden in '80s
'game of thrones' producers reveal series moved beyond show's written script halfway through current season
nation throws off tyrannical yoke of moderate respect for women
giuliani spotted sleeping on new york city subway
word search on box of frosted mini-wheats fucking impossible
impressive new honda inspires john mellencamp to write song about japan
bi-curious man dials 1-900 number
longtime teacher retires without changing a single student's life
new demography today magazine targets demographer demographic
manager of combination taco bell/kfc secretly considers it mostly a taco bell
rookie usda agent vomits after seeing first rotten orange
fiona apple song reminds girl to be depressed
christmas pageant enters pre-production
farberware releases new nonstick eggs
vin diesel breaks off tracking collar against rocky outcropping
kitchen staff warned not to make fun of regional manager
man confused by obscure down-ballot measure about deciding who his senator should be
dnc attendee screaming 'the earth needs us!' to no one in particular
[meta] not a dating website! hey! ebi gusey! uzrnzbu5vy
despondent sean spicer returned to locked kitchen cupboard following press briefing
this will change the way you watch ‘mary poppins’
study: american spiritual epiphanies increasingly juice-based
three-year-old gets carried away
area man could use the overtime anyway
camp counselor assigning kids to horses like wise town matchmaker presiding over marriage
flood of cheap afghan heroin to arrive just in time for recession
manafort shares tense silence with rick gates on car ride back from trial
obamas reunited live on tv for first time since leaving white house
news: stepping up: this new facebook safety feature lets you mark yourself as someone who could have easily been a victim in a terrorist attack
the largest and most powerful atom smasher on the planet has been taken offline, due to a weasel.
pleasure this fern
hbo film reveals liberace was good friends with gay men
little boy heroically shoots, mutilates burglar
unpopped kernels costing u.s. billions
study reveals that girls who play princess grow up with skewed perceptions of the role of modern monarchy in a democratic society
life: digital hero: this ethical hacker only orchestrates cyber attacks if they’re justified by the libertarian manifesto he wrote when he was 19
video: busted: woman spills hundreds of teeth from her purse on her way out of the dentist’s office
gm covered with giant tarp until it has money to work on cars again
ape’s tits incredible
american airlines, us airways merge to form world's largest inconvenience
who said it: kanye west or an instruction manual for the cuisinart crc-400 electric rice cooker? | the onion - america's finest news source
scientists say u.s. may have discovered previously unknown level of not caring about syria
trump demands william barr prove loyalty by putting gun in mouth, pulling trigger
new 'call of duty' career mode lets player join raytheon's board of directors after military service
graduation party more lucrative than planned future career
painful boil still too unformed to lance
millions participate in cuban version of survivor
new study finds humans shouldn’t spend more than 5 consecutive hours together
holy shit! man walks on fucking moon.
news: damage control: mike pence has said that, no matter the outcome of the election, he and trump will continue making women’s lives hell
controversial christian faction believes jesus was nailed to two parallel pieces of wood
vengeance-minded glacier just biding time until next ice age
clearly fishing for compliments: bernie sanders just posted a sad twitter rant about how he doesn’t think he’s cute enough to be president
cities move to outlaw hollow-point silver bullets after wave of gruesome werewolf slayings
blog: how i overcame all my fears about life by consolidating them into one intense fear of being sucked into a treadmill
life: making strides: just 75 years ago, the “college girl” category of porn couldn’t have existed
sleepover guests can only wonder what mysterious delights lie tucked inside off-limits room
jeff bezos' heart breaks a little reading albany's amazon headquarters pitch
alex trebek deftly prolongs agonizing small talk
report: getting massages at airports apparently part of certain people's lives
marauding gay hordes drag thousands of helpless citizens from marriages after obama drops defense of marriage act
bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue
blog: as a male feminist, i really think i’d absolutely crush it if i ever had to publicly apologize for sexual misconduct
two new burger king sandwiches negate each other
buckingham palace guards impressed by first lady's ability to never crack smile
rudy giuliani calls in to talk show he already on to deny what he just said
news: hitting the ground running: steve bannon spent his first meeting on the national security council describing the way he would kill each person in the room
man who didn't get joke acts like he did
man intensely public
report: u.s. still leads world with highest density of kevins
life: 5 coming-of-age rituals from around the world
plan for future still involves drumming for lifehouse
hubble telescope desperately struggling to contact nasa after witnessing murder on ganymede
convict sentenced to generating $80,000 to $100,000 in profits for private prison
report: doing your part to stop climate change now requires planting 30,000 new trees, getting 40,000 cars off the road, reviving 20 square miles of coral reef
fourth-grader's world war ii project vastly oversimplifies importance of air combat, uncle reports
cop just in it for the frisking
republicans outraged by inaccuracies in metallica documentary
disapproving michelle obama to be printed on all fast food containers
study finds average american hopes no one saw that 12 times per day
ant born
blog: there is no greater joy than watching women forced to experience the miracle of birth
blog: hello from my liberal tears bathtub where i wash my creases with liberal snowflake tears to deal with my aggressive skin problem
trump pours himself glass of chocolate syrup on rocks to unwind after stressful day
emotional bill belichick wipes away tar streaming from eyes after super bowl | the onion - america's finest news source
tom izzo calls 2019 spartans best team he's ever threatened with violence
dog blocks off afternoon to lick spot on floor where owner once dropped pepperoni
area dad looking to get average phone call with adult son down to 47.5 seconds
snowman sucks
area woman will have to be way more fucking pregnant than that if she wants to be offered subway seat
putin will try the, how you say, fried chicken
paul ryan discovers half-finished escape tunnel leading out of speaker’s office
royal wedding watch: meghan markle is wearing the centuries-old diamond-and-sapphire nuvaring given to her by the queen
popeyes escalates chick-fil-a rivalry with new sandwich featuring dan cathy’s battered, fried loved ones
new weather channel sitcom about three guys, three girls, one storm system
performers frantically trying to incorporate spewing sewage pipe into rio opening ceremony
'it's simply bursting with creative wonder,' says reviewer of new game where mario sometimes dresses as chef
west hollywood urges removal of trump’s walk of fame star
stephen hawking reportedly working on juicy tell-all formula
going to make this brand tie-in work as best we can: 5 dark and spooky horror stories that feature claritin-d
cambridge analytica whistleblower admits last few weeks at work have been awkward
national security crisis: the white house is in panic mode after president trump tweeted ‘karate dave is coming to kill me’
routine drunk-driving trip turns tragic for five local teens
kerry takes frustration out on lobster
the week in pictures – week of june 25, 2018
new study finds most of earth's landmass will be phoenix suburb by 2050
astronomers celebrate 300th anniversary of discovering sky
smithsonian institution politely declines sofa from charles in charge
destiny's child referred to as 'feminist icons' with straight face
supreme court leaves final decision on gay marriage in capable hands of texas, alabama, georgia
teen's eulogy mostly nickelback lyrics
graffiti artist completes masterwork 'still life of marijuana leaf'
sweeping new labor reforms allow foxconn employees to work in inhumane conditions from home
fifty years ago
report: tv teens 15 times more likely to crack wise than real teens
standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician
life: avoid these 4 common mistakes when applying to secret harvard
oscars create new truman capote biopic category
7th heaven celebrates 100th underage drinking episode
last civil war tortoise dies
more bad press for elon: the car elon musk launched into orbit has fallen back down to earth and crushed malala yousafzai
life: body positivity win: dove released a shock collar that sends 5,000 volts through a woman’s body whenever she doubts her own beauty
ipod flaunted
clinton aide told to leave behind weak volunteer who collapsed during march to south carolina
bird has big plans for cage
all-knowing invisible hand of free market once again guides millions in profits to nation's bead stores
christmas really over, man realizes as iphone game switches out holiday icon
‘ni no kuni’: remastering done right, but gameplay is marred by my newborn son's constantly screaming
i used to think interracial marriage was wrong, but now i think about egg salad so often that i hardly ever worry about interracial marriage anymore
blog: i’m so confident that the phony liberal media won’t publish this pro-life article that i’m using it to store all my embarrassing photos of me bathing in hog slop
brilliant strategy: this man is pretending to piss for a little longer at the urinal so he doesn’t have to talk to one of his coworkers washing his hands
obama clears 2,000 square miles of u.s. airspace for new free-range drone preserve
breaking new ground: beto o’rourke has become the first presidential candidate available as a ‘smash ultimate’ dlc fighter
'breitbart' refusing to release names of mass shooting victims in order to prevent them from getting attention
ice cream man hopes scott joplin is in hell
‘jeopardy!’ bans obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for show
amount of water man just used to wash dish to be prize of hand-to-hand combat match in 2065
neither boss nor employee paid enough to deal with each other
teens 'going to town' with restaurant comment cards | the onion
asthmatic child tired of hearing list of famous asthmatics
onion social study finds no clear link between onion social use, uncontrollable vomiting of black bile
supporters aggravated bernie sanders didn’t use dnc speech to get voters to act against their own self-interest
real estate developers push to rebrand murder heights neighborhood of baltimore
town still can't think of name for largest, most used street
how to talk to your child about the election results
freemasons return to jupiter
area man guesses he'll learn the difference between shiites and sunnis
americans finally recognize own country again after president does half-assed job walking back humanitarian crimes
blog: i’m privileged to live in a suburban neighborhood with virtually no crime, but if someone does commit a crime here, it’ll probably be a super fucked-up one
more elderly americans keeping active by maintaining control of senate
"porkin' across america" may be the onion's darkest, most fucked up series ever.
‘i can’t do this anymore,’ think 320 million americans quietly going about day
man clearly gamed 'which teenage mutant ninja turtle are you?' quiz to get raphael
crypout [fresh] write to me! trucanlaeni
study: 63% of all human speech occurs under breath
life: we asked 22 survivors of the 2010 chilean mine disaster what’s the worst mine disaster they’ve ever experienced
bus rider clutching head in pain completely ignored
st. louis rams threaten to leave town unless taxpayers personally build stadium with bare hands
ad campaign appeals to young, hip, influenced-by-ad-campaigns demographic
area stadium inadequate
mars lander staggers into nasa headquarters drunk, broke
coworker who already breathes, chews loudly thinking about getting into arrhythmically drumming on desk
pope francis wears miter with faceshield to comply with new vatican safety measures
news: ultimate fan experience: this philadelphia eagles fan walked in on the whole team masturbating
football program in jeopardy after high school allocates $500,000 to ‘little women’ production
the onion's recurring series of articles portraying joe biden as a lovable douchebag.
new amazon ‘make an offer’ feature allows shoppers to haggle over price | the onion - america's finest news source
life: feminism ftw: scholastic is releasing an empowering book series about historical princesses that blacks out the chapter where they get married at age 12
whales beach selves in attempt to purchase 'the onion book of known knowledge'
5 biggest unanswered questions for ‘game of thrones’ final season
white house convenes panel of scientists to make case that trump capable of crushing train with bare hands
and they said he was too old: bernie sanders just showed up to a rally wearing a propeller beanie and a 1920s bathing suit and announced that he is 13-years-old
calculus problem hits too close to home
cancerous tumor befriends small boy
jared kushner excited to finally visit white house after gaining security clearance
friendless loser? play this video at maximum volume to make your neighbors think you have lots of friends over for a 'point break' viewing party!
postal service: 'and wait until you cocksuckers see what we do with wednesdays'
boy scout officials: ‘we believe all children, regardless of gender, deserve the opportunity to one day die alone in the woods’
nation still outraged 1933 best picture went to 'cavalcade' instead of 'lady for a day'
forensic evidence shows signs of feeble struggle
when this high schooler asked emma stone to be his date to prom, she said yes but then got so trashed in the limo on the way there that she didn’t even make it into the dance
report: 92% of divorced parents get back together if children ask enough times
‘please, let it die’: the creators of ‘stranger things’ are preemptively begging fans not to do a viral campaign to save the show when it gets canceled
dateline nbc report inspired by actual events
historical archives: john jameson's miracle concoction
obama finishes production on new netflix reality series where 24 young women vie for heart of former president
‘no way to prevent this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens
home depot employee can tell this customer’s first attempt at pipe bomb
official sprints through giant inflatable referee hat to take field for super bowl
small town honors once-ostracized artist
increasingly paranoid campbell's begins stockpiling all its soup to prepare for doomsday
woman always thought she would have more impressive showerhead by this age
news: the perils of climate change: a rise in sea level of just one foot would be devastating for the man tied to this pier
struggling single mother seriously considering putting baby up for audition
jumping the gun: this kid on a road trip just started pissing into a bottle without even asking his parents to find him a bathroom or anything
4 signs that someone is sneaking into your child’s room at night to teach them inaccurate information about james bond in spanish
shirtless man turns face from side to side in mirror while running hands down smooth face
gingrich privately regretting not doing 'more jew stuff' on florida campaign trail
cat internally debates whether or not to rip head off smaller creature it just met
soda nearing room temperature
why is march madness the only time we get to see good, old fashioned, fundamental gambling?
report: saxophone still an okay vehicle for self-expression
bus transporting carnival cruise passengers crashes into sewage treatment plant
woman always gets best ideas while taking shower with two jacked dudes
woman who changed self to please boyfriend enjoying happy long-term relationship - the onion - america's finest news source
grotesque, misshapen mass of raisins slowly forming inside bag of trail mix
police confirm car had ethanol in system at time of crash
sole remaining lung filled with rich, satisfying flavor
fireflies almost salvage man's shitty day
boss makes lipstick prints on paychecks for valentine's day
subsidiary publication recommends you see parent corporation's movie
gop promotes carly fiorina to male candidate after strong debate showing
report: stating current year still leading argument for social reform
ingenuity ftw: under armour unveiled a new hoodie with an additional hood in front that you can vomit into
area man just in bad mood because he's tired and an awful human being
pope benedict asks if it's too late to change name
pete buttigieg releases comprehensive list of fun personality quirks to include in articles about him
loveless marriage offset by beautiful four-bedroom home
smithsonian rejects tie dylan mcdermott wore in 'the practice'
air traffic controller likes pattern he has going
report: gross-ass gourd all bumpy and shit
dnc disaster: hillary’s re-entry stamp got washed off and now she can’t get back in
conor mcgregor running courthouse steps in garbage bag to make weight for pre-arraignment
boehner hoping to remain leader of republican parties
man old enough to know how rest of life pretty much plays out
only college student staying on campus planning saddest thanksgiving meal of all time | the onion - america's finest news source
chris brown's agent suggests suicide could be great career move
god reveals jerusalem actually only 87th holiest site on earth
nsga th1s is nooot а dаting s1te. lаargest in world online seаrch sexxxx paаrtners nsga
taylor swift now dating james holmes
george and amal clooney expecting twins
bathroom-disinfectant ad reinforces obsessive-compulsive disorder
mom makes sure everyone has masturbated before long car ride
don’t judge a book by its cover: this town was scared of an undead clown that chops people apart with its axe, until they learned it only kills those who have committed the sin of lust
amazing affleck brothers dazzle oscars audience with high-flying trapeze routine
area man's hairstyle history eerily mirrors kevin bacon's
alarming mri shows peyton manning has been dead for past 6 months - the onion - america's finest news source
man kicking self for wasting valuable plate space at beginning of buffet line
gop officials: kavanaugh shouldn't be held accountable for something he did as white teenager
grandma wants to know if you're still drawing
scientists posit theoretical ‘productive weekend’
disgruntled bandmates worried rivers cuomo’s wife becoming the fifth weezer
hero dog fills out hospital paperwork
winneshiek county stadium indeed ready to rock
orgy a logistical nightmare
button-up shirt goes on life-changing odyssey around dry cleaner's garment conveyor
desperate 'time' magazine announces 'man of june'
daily meditation really helping man stay self-centered
high school production of our town features line memorization
fast food customers less appealing than in commercial
americans pool together $945.23 to counteract corporate money's influence in politics
real estate agent warns syrian couple about neighborhood’s high war crime rate
bush promises to unite nation for real this time
white sufficiency movement asserts whites right up there with other races
life: 6 lies about buckets you can tell your dim-witted aunt this thanksgiving
woman shows hairstylist example of haircut she wants
candidate profile: rick perry
white sprinter finishes fifth
obama narrowly survives carnivorous section of rose garden
miracle dog gives birth to septuplets
hussein judge hoping for fair, speedy assassination
new fad diet requires you to stop eating for a full 5 minutes per day
mental health experts recommend calling fratricide prevention hotline for anyone contemplating killing brother
patriothole: did bill clinton cheat on monica lewinsky with killary? yes, and our government doesn’t want you to know
just sad at this point: timotheé chalamet still has no idea that his fame is just a cruel joke everyone decided to play on him because we all think he’s a giant loser
now that’s what we like to see: when jesus and satan both tried to lure this toddler into their minivans, the toddler chose to get into jesus’s minivan
how republicans plan to repeal and replace obamacare
how the american diet has changed over time
boss born in 1991
$20 bill slowly but surely wriggling free from back pocket
aging father struggling to keep family's personal failings straight
new trump campaign ad claims that illegal immigrants currently murdering you with knife
lazy man waiting for spark of inspiration to finally get started on masturbating
they said what?!: find out what rihanna, bear grylls, and jane goodall have to say
must see: deeply troubling: john kelly just received a whatsapp message from president trump that said ‘you have unmarried daughter? urgent’ with no explanation
serial killer makes impassioned case for protecting local marsh
report: it okay to spend rest of day curled in fetal position under desk
attending 'price is right' taping apparently sailors' best idea for shore leave
cockroaches feeling very optimistic about future of planet
study confirms that bitches, as suspected, ain’t shit but hoes and tricks
u.s. secretary of beer: 'woooo!'
aquarium unveils 'floating carcasses of the pacific' exhibit
study: average american has over 9 million imagined sexual partners in lifetime
texas now regretting wasting doses of pancuronium bromide on innocent guys back in 1997, 2000, 2004
‘spongebob squarepants’ turns 20
matt lauer waits in parking garage for anonymous source on parenting trends
you can hold snake, owner reports
incredible! check out this atm receipt for an account with over $8,000 in available funds!
teamwork mostly karen
budget cheat day lets government splurge on anything it wants once a week
report: massive hypocrisy just flat-out gets the job done
millions of excited americans gather to watch candidates deliver series of short, elaborately rehearsed speeches
celebrities: are they aware enough of aids?
must see: body positivity win: this elevator can hold up to 2,500 pounds
bush to meet with agriculture secretary down in the holler
nurse's tray all scalpels
u.s. fish and wildlife officials release photos of missing perch
shit, guy in front of you ordering for entire construction crew
corporation surprised to see its tax money circle back around to it so soon
police officer wouldn’t have killed black man if he knew everyone would make such a big fuss about it
nation delighted by rich ass who fires people
jared kushner spends fourth consecutive day silently ensnared in decorative white house spider webs
'fuck you,' obama says in hilarious correspondents' dinner speech
field-trip mishap fulfills child's wish to be oscar mayer wiener
area family putting a little money away to one day blow on single health scare
rare coincidence: because of the lunar calendar, 9/11 will fall on christmas eve this year
consumer confidence verging on cockiness
bride has to admit it'd be pretty exciting if someone objected at wedding
saudi crown prince begins 100 hours of court-ordered community service for murdering jamal khashoggi
nation's math teachers introduce 27 new trig functions
local man pushed well within limits of human endurance
the donald trump in these allegations is not the complete monster i married
nation’s single men announce plan to change bedsheets by 2019
revolutionary new alarm clock for the deaf uses no hammers
5 things to know about lent
sandwich previously thought incapable of looking more depressing flattened in backpack
horrified amazon worker awakes from warehouse accident to find jeff bezos welding mechanical limbs onto stumps where arms used to be
increased negative campaigning reveals previously hidden ugly side of politics
fans of victorious nobel laureates riot in stockholm
frolicking deer actually being driven mad by ticks
horrible pack of theme-restaurant waitresses alerted of patron's birthday
trump solemnly lays wreath at site where he would have died during vietnam war if he weren’t rich
president barack obama: “well, i’ve got a bunch of stuff here that’s not getting through congress, so here goes.”
horrified pope calls philadelphia humanity’s greatest sin against god
republicans condemn akin's comments as blemish on party's otherwise spotless women's rights record
marshawn lynch delivers eloquent 45-minute address on privacy in the modern age
server loves that dessert
climate change is no joke jim
steelers players make surprise hospital visits to spend time with opponents they’ve injured
video: post this video on your facebook wall to let everyone know you’ve abdicated the danish throne
sweating, shaking man never going to spend a little time with his thoughts again
report: majority of newspapers now purchased by kidnappers to prove date
goodwill employees shaken by gigantic pants
mike pence assures detained children that they will have safe, sanitary conditions in heaven
deer shot by obsessed fan
vacationer checks weather report for hometown
ghost of carl sagan warns against dangers of superstition
6 billionaires and their fucking sons
heartbreaking: this guy’s uncle is racist but not quite racist enough for him to get any viral content out of it
nancy grace reports own mind now missing for 83 days
local welder suffering from welder's block
bush passes three-pound kidney stone
4 cap’n crunch commercials where cap’n crunch seems way more excited about lunch meat than cereal
mosquitoes don't even need to bite us, study shows
newly uncovered journals reveal alexander graham bell invented telephone as first step in consolidating all american businesses into single monopoly
‘i’d like the crispy chicken sandwich’ first truthful thing man has said in weeks
hollywood stars overthrown in bloody c-list uprising
midwestern tornado destroys 4 world's largest objects
worth the wait: after sorting out their scheduling conflicts, over 400 musicians are ready to play a relief concert for the victims of hurricane andrew
6 items on my bucket list that i was able to cross off after just one trip to long john silver’s
personals ad takes hardline anti-fatties stance
investigators: first 48 hours most critical in locating missing children who entered portal to fantastical world
monaco residents terrified to walk through penthousing projects
disastrous ad campaign appeals to basic human intelligence
gore releases three more hostages
perverted creep keeps asking women what they're wearing
bus passenger believes she lives in world where curried shrimp is odorless
new therapist obsessed with old therapist
everyone in family compliments grandmother on how small and feeble she’s gotten
area woman has already figured out who killed the vicar
video: at work? play this video at maximum volume to announce to your boss that you are not currently looking at porn so they give you a raise
5 questions: ‘i’ve always wanted to harness the power of bugs’: 5 questions with elon musk
new carl's jr. bedtime burger designed to be eaten while asleep
bono outbids everyone at charity auction for bono-autographed guitar
blog: i did not attain yelp elite status so i could stand idly by as the situation in yemen deteriorates
candidate profile: jeb bush
patriothole: attention, patriots: share this video on your facebook wall to let the world know that your president is in charge of you
obama begins inauguration festivities with ceremonial drone flyover
in major blow to sony’s upcoming playstation 5, microsoft announces playstation 6
bernie sanders pledges to release ten years of tax returns
universe feels zero connection to guy tripping on mushrooms
theresa may puts on headphones to hear english translation of trump's address
'washington post' reporter frustrated every space in parking garage taken up by anonymous source
determined ant requires second flicking
christ returns for some of his old things
video: devastating: watch this guy realize that when he overhears people at work talking about ‘the hamburger dipshit’ they’re referring to him
pope francis carves roast cherub for vatican christmas dinner
alabama governor signs new ‘heartbeat bill’ lowering state’s age of consent
tips for successful campus activism
jesus christ believed in
ben carson says he has no memory of running for president.
'nice to meet you,' coworkers tell new employee they've studied online for hours
stingray loves when aquarium visitors squeal and recoil after touching it
dozens of other countries that interfered in 2016 election annoyed russia getting all the credit
trump supporter still planning on rioting at national convention anyway
john kelly loses seat on naacp board of directors
bausch & lomb introduces line of aviator contacts
biden quietly singing pearl jam's 'even flow' during security briefing
drug addict looking for more enabling girlfriend
joe kennedy dodges crashing planes, swerving cars after announcing campaign for senate
toddler chokes to death on plastic taiwanese-made toy
cash-strapped zuckerberg forced to sell 11 million facebook users
pope nervous for annual performance review with god
bus passenger suspects man in next seat might be having conversation with him
report: china to overtake u.s. as world's biggest asshole by 2020
rescue dog adopted for couple weeks
mayor of phoenix apologizes for naming berlin germany of 1941 as sister city
life: heartwarming! this police officer wasn’t sure how to reach out to the black youth in his community so he put a pumpkin in front of the park where they hang out sometimes
man nervous about telling date he has her kids
revealing spring attire reminds man he nothing more than weak, hormonal ogre
6 pictures of scarlett johansson that will make you say ‘this is a picture of a boat’
pros and cons of vaccinating children
call from daycare can't be good
petsmart introduces heart-shaped puppy for valentine's day
pregnant woman glows with rage
donald trump: when you're feeling low, just remember i'll be dead in about 15 or 20 years
police satisfied after drunk man assures them there’s no problem - the onion - america's finest news source
sitcom resorts to wizard of oz-themed fantasy episode
kfc responds to stockpiling trend with 576-piece bucket
area loner to dwell on past
tokyo portal outage delays millions of japanese warp commuters
life: genius marketing: poland spring is putting apple juice in its bottles because it tastes better
detective trying to get into mind of litterer
news: marketing win! trojan’s new ad campaign points out that you can also put condoms on your fingers to pick up dead bugs
gimp tied to pole on curb outside coffee shop while owner inside
first holiday season without grandma incredible
playstation classic to include friend who always whooped your ass to complete retro gaming experience
report: your father currently typing 'naked women' into yahoo images search bar
this bitch: of course margot’s only skin routine is splashing her face with water at night
new 23andme feature connects users to others who share genetic tendency to get billed for $199
news: major headache: the blue angels got trapped inside a costco, and no one knows how to get them back outside
‘any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it,’ report newly single sources
white house carefully screening any gun control town hall questions that address obama as 'mein führer'
smug new mom going to start a blog
quaker oats assembly-line worker fired for 'oops! all berries' incident
trump selects longtime personal plane to head faa
halliburton gets contract to pry gold fillings from new orleans corpses' teeth
kavanaugh panicking after botching part of confirmation where he asked if he rejects satan
man guessing he's stared at giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it
man asks every trick-or-treater if they’re the real dracula just in case
centipede tearing ass across floor must be really late for something
a nod to the past: ‘the force awakens’ features a scene where george lucas’ lifeless body can be seen drifting through space
picky refugee just expects to be reunited with exact same family as before
gop officials urge calmer, more reasonable death threats toward kavanaugh accuser
no way old man in park not thinking about dead wife
area dad didn't shell out $100 at aquarium for lecture about ecosystem
life: major flub: dave matthews band has been jamming on the ‘ants marching’ riff onstage for 3 weeks while dave tries to remember the fiddle player’s name and finish introducing the band
friends can't stand couple's public displays of hostility
jeremy piven outraged microsoft word doesn't recognize his name
woman barista getting a lot better at avoiding touching male patrons’ hands when they pay
i'm going to space camp! yayyyyyaaawwwww...
god loses decision-making coin
part of the 1%: bernie sanders is tanking in the polls after a dna test revealed that he’s king
ed mcmahon endorses another depressing product
report: there probably not the best place to stand
dnc committee throws bound jay inslee onto melting iceberg before pushing him out to sea
hillary clinton hints at presidential ambitions by concealing information from american people
john kerry sits in shadows of kiev café awaiting woman known only as dasha
crowd can't believe balls on frontman who waited till third song to ask them how they're doing
oscar countdown 2002 begins
tensions mount after north korea destroys all of asia
study: best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing in red marker
supreme court told to take down tip jar
nation wishes it could just once be reminded of preciousness of life without mass shooting
obama supporter has perfectly improbable explanation absolving president from blame for scandals
severe allergic reaction causes florida to swell up to twice normal size
you take away guns, and someone’s just gonna invent, manufacture, and use a high-powered knife launcher
salamanders bravely offer to go extinct in place of better animal
environmental study finds air in chicago now 75% bullets
area waitress has one hell of an ass on her, local man will tell you that right now
boss’s clout evaporates after he’s seen in shorts at company picnic
passersby can’t help but stare at woman’s huge kids
area 93-year-old has death-after-life experience
nemesis lands alumni magazine cover
magical office worker able to turn everything he touches into more work for colleagues
nation's gynecologists assure women that whatever gets stuck in there they can get out
boyfriend plans magical evening down to first detail
backstreet boys release first single since 2013
entertainment writer has knack for making complex pop culture concepts accessible to lay readers
laura bush publishes courageous op-ed calling for imprisonment of whoever created ice
i didn't think it was the onion at first, it seems realistic... new facebook feature scans profile to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong
fd&c blue #5 to restore beauty of world's oceans
report: average american has just 20% of what it takes
alleged nazi war criminal deported back to germany
matt lauer returns to today show following 2-day suspension
metlife, goodyear tragically merge
woman already off to bad start as mother after requesting epidural
news: the last hurdle: congress has informed puerto rico it can’t be the 51st state until it gets its obesity rate up to the u.s. average
queen elizabeth frantically trying to preserve european alliances by arranging great-grandchildren's marriages
can’t go on reddit at work? this man checks it out for you
area man already knows which chicken tender he's saving for last
melania trump stumbles upon dozens of husband’s haunting, macabre self-portraits
george w. bush debuts new paintings of dogs, friends, ghost of iraqi child that follows him everywhere| the onion
concept car designers struggling to think of cool new ways for doors to open
nation's dads announce plans to trade in the dodge for something with a little more zip
laughter now exclusively used to mask feelings
10 things your parents were right about
house conservatives introduce resolution to impale rod rosenstein
fascinating lore: nintendo revealed that the reason mario always comes back to life after he dies is because both heaven and hell reject his soul
joe paterno's name to remain on joe paterno center for covering up sexual abuse
man prone to lying beds woman prone to lying prone
woman who visited kenya once struts confidently into african store
dixie donates $5 million in clean drinking cups to drought-ravaged southern africa
restaurant gives totally unwanted twist to mexican cuisine
carefully thought-out living room decor overshadowed by enormous blanket with team logo on it
ways to treat seasonal affective disorder so you're not so goddamn cheery in summertime
senator to try submitting rejected bill to canadian parliament
new tsa precheck program offers expedited interrogations for muslim passengers
“i wish i could get through to you with a sports analogy, young man.” is genius. who wrote this???
vatican policymaking once again manipulated by powerful second commandment rights groups
george foreman grill retires to promote own grill
comic book fans adamant that human torch be played by actor whose body actually engulfed in flames
fbi quickly follows up on tip about potentially dangerous man who killed 17 in school shooting
fatal spaz attack claims life of area spaz
film about little guy battling huge, morally bankrupt organization made by huge, morally bankrupt organization
dog’s eye gunk wiped back on dog
ty cobb returns to old private practice in enchanted forest toadstool
5 episodes of ‘diners, drive-ins and dives’ where guy fieri clearly just stopped into the restaurant because he desperately needed to use the bathroom
news: a second chance: this amazing organization helps disgraced pedophiles rebuild their lives by getting them elected to political office
wtf
house haunted by elks club members
venus added to registry of historically significant planets
6 signs we’re not alone in the universe
man who has clocked 137 hours in rpg can’t believe he has to waste precious time watching cutscenes
local child amuses café—but for how long?
life: stay calm: 6 things that could explain why your landlord is still asking you for rent after you painted a portrait of him and left it on his porch
michelle obama not so keen on president's new bangs
senate unable to get enough republican votes to honor 'to kill a mockingbird'
every map you’ve looked at is wrong: this one finally gets the sizes right
world’s insect leaders attend g20,000,000,000 summit
local internet user completely unaware he a top content creator for barstool sports
fda: lucky charms no longer part of complete breakfast
mother proud she raised type of person no one would ever believe would rape someone
‘what if we try this?’ asks robotics grad student about to eliminate 30% of workforce
mitch mcconnell celebrates brett kavanaugh as culmination of everything he's worked against
leonardo dicaprio agrees to donate it-factor to science
nation would rather think about 9/11 than anything from subsequent 10 years
hi, write me... anna.cat.944@gmail.com
shaken secretary of transportation reduces speed limit to 5 mph after witnessing accident
michelle obama: ‘well, there are 8 years of my life i’ll never get back’
u.s. to give limestone-based economy a shot starting next week
family at restaurant reminds grandma what food she likes
north korea ranked least-entertained nation on earth
man somehow getting worse at sex
jews, muslims, hindus agree on chicken
report: countless invasive species detained in epa black sites
professor sees parallels between things, other things
guy who died playing 'league of legends' in internet café really starting to ruin game for other patrons
woman with six dogs resents non-dogs
onion news empire official trailer
inspired man bolts out of bed at 3 a.m. to jot down great new worry
life: making a difference: this nonprofit collects the trash floating in the pacific ocean and dumps it on a sick freak who absolutely loves it
news: cosmo has apologized for publishing its controversial ‘10 ways to drive a neo-nazi wild in the sack’ list
the onion’s 2014 university rankings
5 classic video games that are sadly ruined because they have villains in them
report: middle east quickly running out of land area for violence to spill over to
one beer can't do local alcoholic any harm
everyone proud of grandma for staying awake
news: not messing around: j.k. rowling just threatened to write a short story where harry potter drowns in a septic tank at woodstock ’99 if fans don’t do something big for her birthday
how do construction workers push their bodies to finish olympic stadiums on time?
major blunder: jimmy carter just accidentally built an espn zone instead of a habitat for humanity house and everyone had to act like that was the plan all along
dancing, pantsless rex tillerson slides across floor of empty state department
5 things to know about santa claus
must see: incredible: when this terminally ill child wanted to meet will smith, will cut his $400,000 appearance fee in half to help make that happen
palin unveils 9/11 firefighter cousin, reformed lesbian niece, naturalized mexican half brother
area applebee's a hotbed of machiavellian political maneuvering [classic from 2000]
half of hollywood test group screened placebo film
robed mark warner infiltrates secret torchlit ahca ceremony deep in woods behind capitol
‘star wars’ fans, rejoice! ea has released a ‘star wars’ game where players control the man who has to put yoda’s dead body in a trash bag and mail it to han solo
'help has to be on the way now,' thinks syrian man currently being gassed
american people hire high-powered lobbyist to push interests in congress
judge declares aerobics instructor too fit to stand trial
white house celebrates fifth straight year without oral sex
trump preemptively tells melania he won't give her a kidney
tyson foods sends cease-and-desist to trump for using slaughterhouse recordings as pump-up anthem at rallies
white house guidance counselor recommends clinton consider career in hotel management
study: human imagination capable of magnificent things during masturbation
changing channel on local bar's tv more of a process than area man anticipated
life: security failure: epipen’s database of everyone who’s allergic to bees has been obtained by bees
vacationing family visits world's biggest asshole
report: afghan mineral deposits could completely revolutionize nation's system of corruption
mom on vacation marveling at time difference compared to home
life: first we gave this girl a barbie. then we gave her a doll with normal proportions. then we gave her a doll with goat hooves
chuck e. cheese's pit boss tells floor attendant to keep an eye on guest winning big at skee-ball
new sitcom pulls back the envelope
it’s time to talk about america in the broadest, least focused sense
i’m always open to feedback that i can get defensive about and ultimately ignore
nasa scientists make life-changing discovery but you kind of had to be there
mass e-mail only has four recipients
what compromising information does russia have on donald trump?
life choices leading area man to career in self-storage
proud father teaches son how to shave eyebrows for first time
ohio state puts urban meyer on paid secret coaching leave
letter of recommendation reused for eighth intern
needle-exchange program attracting 'druggies'
whose mouth is this?
tv's mork to star in film
7 animals i just thought up right now, off the top of my head
u.s. forest service kills off smokey bear to get people serious about fire safety
hillary clinton pleasantly surprised after finding old $20,000 donation check in coat pocket
abusive husband was himself abuser as child
lucky to be alive: harrison ford got his sleeve caught in his computer’s floppy disk drive and was sucked into cyberspace
life: ready to feel young and fat? the dad from ‘malcolm in the middle’ just turned 8 years old and weighs 17 pounds
man wouldn't have worn costume to work if he'd known he was getting laid off
nation’s cable companies announce they’re just going to take $100 from everyone
marilu henner named u.s. secretary of mid-level talent
girl power! american girl has released a new doll who was alive during the civil rights movement but didn’t really help at all
swiss unable to maintain neutrality toward delicious pastries
boy's whale-song imitation not helping anything
salad suppliers pledge to continue including just enough in bag that some will go bad if you’re single
life: must-see tv: bill maher spent the entirety of last night’s ‘real time’ episode tearfully trying to free himself from a chinese finger trap
discouraged bush begins seeking approval of other nations
kid honors grandpa's memory with solemn cannonball
god wondering how far he could throw earth
roger goodell lays wreath at national football league cemetery in super bowl tradition
tim ryan attempting to stand out from other candidates on debate stage by wearing blue power ranger costume
‘the onion’ has obtained donald trump’s tax returns and has chosen to destroy them
indianapolis motor speedway forced to lower speed limit to 20 mph after elementary school opens next to straightaway
mit researchers create ‘psychopath’ ai by feeding it reddit data
video: heartbreaking: strongman gets locked in an empty room with no heavy things to lift
area man to attend grad school to find a girlfriend
unclear if grandma just friends with 81-year-old widowed man
supreme court rules gay rights do not extend to dessert
baited someone on facebook in response to a feel good animal story
glitch in country allows citizens to temporarily walk through tables
jaws of death used to stuff woman into burning car
‘diversity was the real winner last night,’ report hundreds of dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism
dignified cat dressed in adorable, painful sweater
man nothing but lumbering golem of rewards cards
news: no stone unturned: parents of missing children are petitioning shaq to give his suit just one good shake in case their missing children are lost in there
pope francis donates clothing to needy refugees
teddy bear feels terrible for sparking 'what are we?' conversation
podcaster makes solemn promise to improve sound quality next episode
census adds question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbor
judge sentences lori loughlin to 100 hours of community theater
area man needs two more trips to best buy to beat xbox 360 game
‘rolling stone’ offering readers 6-month free trial period for buying company
man's alcoholism getting a little out of hand
grandma defiantly taking scone recipe to grave
university suspends all lightweights from campus following fraternity hazing death
freakonomist keeps close eye on ge stock versus height of mexican weightlifters
3 dozen chemical, emotional responses activated by phrase 'pigs in a blanket'
pharmaceutical rep assures doctor he personally tries every drug he promotes
life: be prepared: experts warn that this polyamorous relationship could expand to cover all of seattle by 2021
justice scalia endorses new easton gaveling gloves
dad thought he could make it out of zoo without buying kids light-up shit
rate of uninformed conversations about navy seals skyrockets
same americans who made taylor swift popular polled on constitutionality of health care reform
area photo 201 students all take pictures of same homeless guy
9 signs you’re destined to be single
u.s. closes final wwii internment camp
choking man can already tell good samaritan has no fucking clue what they're doing
76 million baby boomers abscond to fiji after draining nation's social security, medicare accounts
allergy sufferer dies after being stung by dog
news: all in: pennsylvania has eradicated all plant life but one pomegranate tree in a desperate bid to rebrand as the pomegranate state
trump administration announces new $20 bill design honoring harriet tubman's owners
new bar to feature 'sports' theme
study finds paint aisle at lowe's best place to have complete meltdown
dead daughter would have wanted $220 million liability settlement
body positivity win: dad is changing out of his swimsuit in the beach parking lot with his bare ass in plain view of everyone
mysterious necrotic skin disease continues to eat away at baby's face weeks after being kissed by ted cruz
friend of friend better friend than friend
old friends from high school meet up every year to say names of former classmates
fey rights group demands distinction from homosexuals
realistic day planner only includes first couple weeks after purchase
mtv promotes, airs, condemns controversial new video
girl slept with for her sake
friend tells depressing details of how he's covered by freelancers union
tim kaine found riding conveyor belt during factory campaign stop
the 10 things all indian parents said in unison yesterday without knowing why
argument about capital of australia occurs 10 feet from encyclopedia
study: red meat takes years off of cow's life
mad lib filled with swears
vatican quickly performs damage control on pope's tolerant remarks
experts warn beef could act as gateway meat to human flesh
steve kerr reminds warriors to seem sad demarcus cousins injured
john mccain requests ashes be launched into iraq
mom not joking when she says she wants picture of grown kids in bath for old time's sake
bertolli packaging promises empty ravioli floating in filling-saturated water in just 5 minutes
take that, drumpf lovers! a research team at mit has conclusively proved that trump = voldemort
87% of eagles home crowd listening to nfc championship on car radio after getting thrown out of stadium
lunch barely misses area man's vital organs
seaworld responds to california drought by draining animal tanks halfway
'onion book of known knowledge' contains cure for hiv
man checks to make sure no one home before recording song into laptop
narrow gaps in bathroom stall doors to be widened monday
news: huge blunder: cnn just accidentally published the article they have prepared for when jesus christ returns to earth
i don’t vaccinate my child because it’s my right to decide what eliminated diseases come roaring back
breakup survival tips
defense needs to be more physical, reports man slumped on couch for past 5 hours
naked, dripping wet tom brady thrilled by judge's decision to overturn suspension, imagines judge
even consumer's subconscious can tell banner ad campaign ineffective
man overjoyed he no longer has to purchase entire day’s worth of egg mcmuffins in morning
local woman has story about how she got these shoes
parents also proud of unsuccessful child
date’s flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them
employees given list of doctors shitty enough to accept company's health insurance plan
u.s. to give every iraqi $3,544.91, let free-market capitalism do the rest
americans demand crispier outside
12-year-old hispanic boy not sure if he's supposed to be looking up to marco rubio
songs that are always on in background expected to win big at grammys
huntsman drops out, endorses huntsman
dana loesch rethinking loyalties after seeing how much airtime teen activists getting
middle-aged woman so tired of going back and forth between divorced parents' nursing homes
ron paul blames florida loss on expensive advertising costs of poster board, markers
apple hard at work making iphone obsolete
panicked keynote speaker suddenly can't remember what future of innovation is
commentary: oh, so i’m distant and emotionally abusive for several years, and all of a sudden i’m not good enough for you anymore?
woman has bizarre ability to share details about personal life with parents
pepsi super bowl ad raises worldwide pepsi-awareness .00000000001 percent
greenspan considering role in ocean's eleven remake
life: 6 of the most memorable presidential debate performances of all time
strongside/weakside: ronda rousey
mueller combs through dozens of damning white house emails he was accidentally cc'd on
stars and snipes
hillary clinton: 'when i was a child, most special interest groups wouldn't even consider donating large sums of money to a woman'
44 suspicious packages detonated under white house christmas tree
spielberg panics, adds comical groin injuries to 'lincoln'
life: know your options: you can leave any meatball sandwich that you’re unable to finish at your local fire department and they are required to eat it, no questions asked
nra calls for more common-sense gun deaths
public health win: coca-cola is releasing a new line of sprite that turns blue if anyone shits in the sprite
cia orchestrates coup d’état to replace entire population of venezuela
10th-grade class watches ben-hur for two weeks
yankee candle clarifies that product only intended to be dripped on balls
report: 50% of heaven's population just assholes who begged for forgiveness at last second
trump: 'america hasn't been stronger or more united since i first opened my eyes and created the universe'
liberal relieved he never has to introspect again after assembling all the correct opinions
man miscast in role of father
critics blast al gore's documentary as 'realistic'
epa releases annual list of cities where tap water probably fine to drink but tastes kinda off
flaming bag of shit intended for apartment 314
earth passed over for invasion
slight inconvenience avoided
news: leading the resistance: ebaum’s world is offering exclusive access to an unreleased ‘salad fingers’ episode for anyone who brings them the scalp of a nazi
sperm can’t remember why it came into womb
day job officially becomes job
1998 powerball winner returns to food-service job
heroic prego advertisement replaces refreshed webpage's presidential campaign banner
family cuts nursing home visit short so grandmother can get back to excruciating loneliness
‘please, i'll tell you everything,’ whimpers rick gates after mueller threatens to send him back to white house
incredible! taylor swift perfectly shut down this hater by slowly and calculatedly destroying his life over the course of many years
japan announces name of new era
lack of media interest makes genocide cover-up unnecessary
india continues surge towards status as first world nation by reelecting racist, right-wing authoritarian
prince harry, meghan markle debating between hawaiian luau- or 'x-files'-themed wedding
if donald trump pardons me, i would be honored to serve as secretary of agriculture
social media misfire: applebee’s has apologized after tweeting that 9/11 was a ‘big mood’ with a picture of a hamburger
pathetic, washed-up rock star on fifth decade of doing exactly what he always wanted
busch gardens unveils new 9,600-mile-long endurance coaster
red cross installs blood drop-off bins for donors’ convenience
nation's last themeless restaurant closes
sc cop michael slager shoots walter scott in back
what’s your sex iq? | clickhole
woman rushes to hide fragile objects, cover up sharp corners on tables before boyfriend comes over
gynecologist inserting iud promises woman it will be just a quick pinch and then she’ll be on the floor unconscious: the onion