Reti ShaneDr SHANE RETI (Deputy Leader—National): We've become aware of two more secret documents that Willie Jackson has been working on. As well as He Puapua there's one around the number of friends Grant Robertson has in caucus called He Fewer-fewer". There's also another secret document around Louisa Wall—Louisa Wall my friend and colleague and the only Labour MP in my view with any fortitude. The secret document for her is how to manage Louisa Wall. It's called "He Skewer-skewer" and I understand "He Skewer-skewer" is co-authored by Grant Robertson Chris Hipkins and Megan Woods. Apparently there's also movie rights for the three authors modelled on a 1970s children's show called H.R. Pufnstuf where Grant Robertson will be played by H.R. Pufnstuf a slightly odd too descriptive green dragon; Chris Hipkins will be played by a very needy Jimmy the talking flute; and Witchiepoo will be played by—well I'll leave it to your imagination of those three authors.So while the Government flounders around in a fantasy we want to talk about how to make New Zealand a great place to live and raise a family. I've actually found a travel commentary that will help that discussion. The travel commentary is from a recent rail trip and it's titled "A train conductor's commentary: Labour's ghost train from Hamilton to Papakura". This is the commentary that the train conductor announces to passengers and I think it will serve our purpose comparing this Labour Government's failings with the issues National are focusing on. The commentary goes something like this: "Good morning to Labour's ghost train from Hamilton to Papakura and welcome to both of you. I'm sorry it's Helen and Heather? Nice to meet you both. And what do you do? Oh you're in charge of Labour's policy and—oh coronavirus transfers to Middlemore. Well nice to meet you both. Ladies and gentlemen two pieces of background information about the train before we start: this is Labour's ghost train from Hamilton to Papakura and have you got a deal because your $50 ticket actually costs the taxpayer $25000." What I can share with you is that the National Party will not spend millions of dollars of taxpayers' money on a ghost train that would be better spent lifting incomes so New Zealanders can raise a family and get ahead. "Ladies and gentlemen the second piece of information is that this train is also known as the slow train for the two hours and 30 minutes it will take to get to Auckland." The National Party believes that we need to get New Zealanders home to their families safely and quickly. "So settle in ring the siren sound the bell: rolling on. "Now after we leave the station today our first stop will be the Mongrel Mob pad in Frankton where we'll pick up Willie Jackson and Marama Davidson. They're working on another $2.57 million Mongrel Mob meth proposal." National believes we need to make our communities safer and reverse the growth of criminal gangs. Rolling on. "Labour's ghost train is now passing through Ngāruawāhia the home of Tainui and the Kīngitanga and to the east we see Ngaruawahia High School." National supports education as a key tool in lifting people to achieve their goals. Ngaruawahia High has a large proportion of Māori students and we want to educate them too so that they and all Kiwis succeed globally. Rolling on."Our next stop reflects the fact that we know you are taking Labour's ghost train today because you can't travel overseas. Labour is so badly managing managed isolation and quarantine and vaccination that you can't enjoy the sights and smells of overseas travel but don't worry here we are at Huntly and the smell of Indonesian coal." Labour is so badly managing energy resources that we're burning Indonesian coal at Huntly to keep the lights on. Rolling on."We're now passing through the farming community of Pukekohe where we see unharvested vegetables rotting in the ground." This is because there are no workers and produce cannot be picked. Our farming people tell us that significant natural areas and freshwater and climate change policies are causing irreparable harm. National stands behind farmers and every single one of our key policy initiatives has a rural component. Rolling on."Labour's ghost train is modelled on an overall philosophy of centralisation and leaving New Zealanders behind so we're now at a level crossing just south of Papakura where the carriages will spontaneously uncouple just like the Labour Government has uncoupled from New Zealanders. And as the Labour ghost train moves further away from New Zealanders stuck in the abandoned and stationary carriages Helen Heather let's all say together 'Ka kite New Zealand' and let's do a verse of 'Now is the Hour' as we reflect on the number of people being added hourly to the waiting lists while Labour's health policy puts more bureaucrats in Wellington and less into doctors and nurses." National will ensure that we have quality healthcare and mental health services that retain medical professionals."Ladies and gentlemen we know you've seen the crowd building. That's because we're approaching Papakura which is where the leader of the National Party Judith Collins is based. She stands strongly at the head of the National Party caucus and says that we want to raise the quality of life for New Zealanders and give them a good life. Ladies and gentlemen I hope you've enjoyed travel today on Labour's ghost train. Please let us know if you have. You can comment to us at ." Thank you Madam Speaker."