Robertson Grant: Adjournment — Sittings of the House 
Text is incorporated into the Bound Volume 
Robertson Grant: Adjournment — Sittings of the House 
[Sitting date: 12 December 2012. Volume:686;Page:7499. Text is incorporated into the Bound Volume.] 
GRANT ROBERTSON (Deputy Leader—Labour) 
: 
 I am not going to comment much on the speeches from the Government side of the House except to say that a vindictive nasty petty little speech like the one Simon Bridges gave indicates to everybody over here that he is not going anywhere near Cabinet and should go straight back to Tauranga. We have seen some good speeches today actually from the other side of the House. Mr Bridges did not give one of those. 
I want to acknowledge all of the people who support us in our work here in Parliament. Other speakers have gone through the list. Everybody who works in this House works on behalf of all MPs to make this place a better place to work and I thank them for all of the support that they give us. 
I particularly want to acknowledge our staff outside Parliament and that is for MPs right across the House. Our staff outside Parliament often put up with a lot of stress meet people who are in a very stressed state and do an incredible job for us in trying circumstances. I thank all of those people. 
I also want to acknowledge the families of MPs. It is only us and our partners and our families who understand the pressure and stress that go with being a member of Parliament. Our families put up with a huge amount day in day out year in year out and on behalf of the Labour Party I want to acknowledge all of the families spouses partners and those who support MPs right across the House. You do a tremendous job for all of us. 
David Shearer has already made clear that this has been a year to forget for the Government and a year to forget for New Zealand. I do want to acknowledge that for many New Zealanders this will not be an easy Christmas. For those who have lost their jobs this year or who have their jobs under threat this will be a difficult Christmas and we want to send our love and support from the Labour Party caucus. 
Norman Kirk I am told once famously said: “New Zealanders have worked hard this year. They deserve their Christmas.” and it is in the spirit of Christmas that I thought it might be appropriate to run through the National Party’s “Twelve Days of Christmas”. My colleagues know I cannot sing but I am sure you will get the gist of the tune as we go through the alternative to “The Twelve Days of Christmas”: “The Twelve Fiascos of National”. 
 So for the first day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: John Banks on a cabbage boat. The man with nothing to fear and nothing to hide decided to hide everything and he fared very badly indeed. You have to have sympathy with John Banks. I mean who would remember taking a helicopter ride to a vast mansion to meet an enormous German multimillionaire who has got a giraffe who then offers you $50000? I mean it would not stick with me. 
That gives us I might say our second fiasco. For the second day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: two cheques for $25000 and John Banks on a cabbage boat. 
And 2012 has been the year for the National Government to insult people. Gerry Brownlee tops the list for that for telling Cantabrians who were just trying to get on with their lives that they are carpers and moaners and declaring the major daily newspaper in Christchurch as the enemy of the recovery. But it is John Key who got right into the insults this year. Red shirts are apparently gay but there was no problem with that he told us because by “gay” he meant “weird”. Well from this “weirdo” to the PM my message is: “You’re not a 15-year-old boy. Grow up.” 
The Government moved on from insulting people to insulting whole countries. The UK press was less than impressed when the Prime Minister insulted David Beckham. But the most ridiculous thing was that he could not even get the insult right. When you call people thick it is pig excrement. When you are talking about bat excrement it is boring as in “When Colin King speaks in Parliament it is as boring as batshit.” The well-known statesman John Key—[ 
Interruption 
]—keep up keep up—said that Hungarians do not go out at night in Afghanistan and Gerry Brownlee followed his lead declaring that the Finns were uneducated unemployed murderers who do not respect women. So for the third day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: three insulted countries two cheques for $25000 and John Banks on a cabbage boat. 
This year the Prime Minister had a lot of trouble remembering things. If he had a plan for the country he could not remember that and the job was really getting to him. He could not remember the briefings from the Government Communications Security Bureau he could not remember which way he voted on alcohol reform he could not remember the discussions with Skycity about the convention centre and he could not remember discussing a loan for MediaWorks. So for the fourth day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: four brain fades. 
Then John Key told us his biggest disappointment this year was pushing thorough the sale of State assets. Well Tony Ryall must have been too dazzled by his own tie that day to read the memo because he keeps saying that things are on track and that delays were to be expected. Despite the fact that no other country in the world is pursuing asset sales this Government blunders on regardless. The good news is that hundreds of thousands of New Zealanders know that the Government is wrong and that it will be selling off our future and we have a tricky referendum ahead for the Government. So for the fifth day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: five assets a-selling. 
And who can forget the gift of a dysfunctional completely out of control ACC? It had the full cast of National Party characters: Michelle Boag the woman who gifted John Key to New Zealand started lurking in the background of TV shots. Meanwhile a host of other people actually were shot: John Judge Ralph Stewart John McLiskie and of course Nick Smith—the man who was definitely not trying to influence Bronwyn Pullar’s case when he wrote a letter on ministerial letterhead to that effect! The other casualty of course was Judith Collins’ credibility. So where are we up to? For the sixth day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: six ACC casualties five assets a-selling four brain fades three insulted countries two cheques for $25000 and John Banks on a cabbage boat. 
On this side of the House we always knew that once Steven Joyce got his hands on the employment portfolio the only way was up—up that is in terms of the number of people unemployed. The curse of Bill English has returned as well as unemployment is the highest it has been since the last time he was finance Minister. A Government with its hands off the wheel has decided the people are to blame—the people who are looking for jobs are to blame. Well my advice to the Government is if you are looking for someone to blame look in the mirror. So for the seventh day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: 7.3 percent unemployment. 
The year 2012 would not have been the year it has been without National’s unplanned open government policy. It was not so much the opening of the books as the distribution of them along Lambton Quay. Paula Bennett excelled herself with looking cross at her department while having told the Prime Minister she would be on top of the whole thing. But she was not alone. There were at least four ACC leaks a couple from the Inland Revenue Department and an extra special one from the Ministry of Social Development. So for the eighth day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: eight leaks of personal details. 
This year’s Budget will mostly be remembered for the genius suggestion that the best thing that the Government could do for the education of young people would be to squeeze a few more kids into our classes and cut funding for technology. But in the hurly-burly of that U-turn it is easily forgotten what the big idea of the 2012 Budget was. The big idea to grow the economy to turbocharge the economy was the taxing of paper boys—that great contribution from Peter Dunne a man who has never found an issue he did not want to be on both sides of. He got in there and he said: “Those damn kids. They’re ripping us off. We’re going to stop them. We’re going to put them in their place.” So for the ninth day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: nine paper boys a-crying. 
If there is one thing we can be sure of when it comes to a National Government it is the familiar smell. And no it is not as my colleague Clayton Cosgrove would say the pie warmer in Gerry Brownlee’s office but rather the stench of cronyism: jobs for the boys and the girls of the blue brigade. Apparently there is nothing wrong with the Prime Minister’s electorate chair being on the board of New Zealand On Air. Let us list my top 10: Stephen McElrea Paula Rebstock Peter Kiely Richard Long Katherine Rich and two electorate chairs Roger Sowry Wayne Mapp Kerry Prendergast—there are so many more. But for the 10th day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: 10 cronies conspiring. 
Across the Public Service morale has reached an all-time low. Over at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade a ministry that prided itself on professionalism it has been picked apart by a Minister who has overseen the worst restructuring ever. The leaks just keep on coming and we thank Murray McCully for that. So for the 11th day of Christmas National’s gift to Kiwi folk: 11 diplomats a-leaking. 
So on the 12th of the 12th what is left for the 12th fiasco? There are so many candidates. Tim Groser is very familiar with the number 12 as that is the number of disciples he believed he had at the World Trade Organization. Twelve is also the number of times John Key has asked David Carter to be Speaker and he still does not want to do it. But there can be only one winner. From the portfolio where National’s incompetence has been matched by its ignorance—from untrained teachers in charter schools to Novopay being “no one paid” to illegally closing special schools and to telling a fragile Christchurch community that it would be losing its schools—these are the stuff-ups of Hekia Parata. 
So here we go. For “The Twelve Fiascos of National” this year National’s gift to Kiwis are: 12 Hekia stuff-ups 11 diplomats a-leaking 10 cronies conspiring nine paper boys a-crying eight leaks of personal details 7.3 percent unemployment six ACC casualties five assets a-selling four brain fades three insulted countries two cheques for $25000 and John Banks on a cabbage boat.